Original subtitles

I couldn't sleep last night for the wife snoring.

Didn't you give her a nudge?

She's in the next bedroom!

Have you always been that close(?)

She sleeps with her sister.

She says I'm the wrong temperature to sleep with.

I think she's hinting that your thermostat has gone.

What temperature does she like?

Subtropical.

I keep thinking there's a monsoon any minute.

They like to be warm.

That generation had more clothes on in bed than they wear for going out these days.

You needed the honeymoon just to find your way about.

What you doing, Alvin?

Eh? Oh! I'm prospecting - looking for gold.

What a wonderful grasp of the unlikely the man has. ..Have you found any yet?

I've only started. It can take years.

That's a long time to have your feet in water.

I'm wearing two pairs of socks.

Alvin, you've got your health, strength and two pairs of socks -

what more could a man ask(?)

If you find any gold, don't forget - it's no good unless it's hallmarked.

PHONE RINGS

Mortgage department. Barry?

Glenda? What's wrong? Is it a fire? Are you all right?

Did you get my golf clubs out?

We haven't had a fire, we've had a surprise.

That competition you entered - you won! Great! What did I win?

Something really useful -

a model of a dinosaur.

You don't like it?

How did you guess? Get yourself home and do something with it.

What do you do with a dinosaur? Getting rid of it springs to mind!

Come and get it, Barry!

Maybe you'll grow to like it.

Come home! Now, Barry! Glenda, I...

It's true what they say - women are different.

They don't like the same things as we do.

How can you not like a model dinosaur?

Another three inches...

Thanks.

Right, let's hear it.

What's the story?

I was just thinking... in the event of fire,

we ought to have a ladder permanently upstairs.

YOU need something permanently upstairs.

Get yourself back upstairs and get those jobs finished.

Ey-up, Howard.

Do you really need all that to reach Marina?

Keep your voice down - walls have ears.

And these ears have walls that need wiping down.

Come on in, and get on with it!

Is there any truth in the rumour that your good lady invented radar?

They all have it, even in the next bedroom.

There's no answer to it, except an honest face and a ready lie.

Listen, I'm being held prisoner by the lady of the house.

I was wondering if... No, Howard.

You've not heard it yet. We've heard it all before, Howard.

I wouldn't ask, only it's an emergency.

How is the emergency? Well?

Things have to be kept quiet.

All I can tell you is that I've forgotten someone's birthday.

I can't get out to buy anything, and I wondered if some kind friend might pick up something for me.

What sort of something? Something suitable for a lady.

Oh, well, that lets me out - it's too complicated for me.

How much are you spending? I think it's the sentiment that counts.

You don't have to go mad. I see. The floor's the limit.

I'll have to go back.

I'm only out on yard exercise. Don't let me down.

He lives an interesting life for a small, dozy idiot.

I just wish he'd conduct his love-life on a personal basis.

I think WE see more of Marina than he does!

Where is it? It's in the garage.

You REALLY don't like it. I can't think why you wanted it.

I thought it might look great on our bedside table. No, you will not put it on our bedside table.

OK. I'll keep it in the office.

Did anybody see it being delivered?

Get rid of it.

I thought it would be small and cuddly.

No, Barry, that's me.

Get rid of it!

HE TUTS

What's the matter, woman?!

Stupid lummox! Look at my dust!

What are you doing, dressed like that?! I'm walking the river.

Oh, I suppose it serves me right for asking.

I'm looking for gold. You're not.

You're going for a brush to sweep that up!

People went to the Klondike to scratch about in rivers, when there's a good one here at home.

There's no gold in our river.

Some old prams and a bicycle wheel, maybe.

How do you know? Have you ever looked? Have you seen anybody look?

Stands to reason, you dozy oaf.

Hey...this yard's a bit bare.

It wants some ornaments or something. It needs cheering up.

It needs SWEEPING up, that's what it needs!

I wish I could keep it, it's got a nice face. It's got too much face.

It's got too much everything.

Get rid of it, Barry!

I'm not going to be known as "her with the dinosaur"!

What do you get for a girl who's got everything... crammed into one little skirt?

If the buttons go, there'll be windows out all down the street. ..Hello, Barry.

Glenda was wondering - which sort of makes it urgent -

if you could give me a hand to move something. Husband in need. Been there.

No problem, Barry. We know the system, lad. Lead on.

Glenda doesn't like it, so, what with us being a democracy, I have to get rid of it.

I hope it's house-trained.

I can see Glenda's point - you'd never get it off the bed.

A bloke fancies his dog as a killer, this would make him think a bit.

What's so funny?

You know what we're looking at - Marina's birthday present.

Do you think new clothes are going to make all that difference? No.

But put it like this - instead of being badly dressed and hopeless,

you could be better dressed and hopeless.

Here, put this on.

It's a velvet smoking jacket.

A garment of great style, which comes at a token rental with an option to buy.

Take your tie off.

I like it! The casual look. I can see romance around the corner.

It's the hair. That's not romantic hair.

It's all I've got. There are alternatives.

Pricey, but alternatives.

I must have magic fingers. Look at that transformation.

Mr Wonderful - that's you!

Is it real hair? Of course it's real hair!

Just don't linger near any ferrets.

Back!

You look quite white, Miss Davenport. I'm highly sensitive.

My life has been devoted to literature. People don't realise the risks. Of literature?

Oh, yes! It inflames the imagination.

I have seen a dinosaur

emerging from that alley.

A dinosaur?!

We can't let Marina see it - it's got to be a surprise.

It'll be a surprise, all right!

Come on, we'll take it round the other way.

Stay here, Smiler.

Could you be a lady looking for love? I might have to go home first and change.

Not with me! Could you show an interest in him with the handcart?

He's a stranger. I couldn't promise anything more than basic goodwill.

It's Smiler in a wig.

Oh... Well, then, I'll always give what I can for a local charity.

He needs his confidence building. Tell him he looks good.

From some points of view, such as nothing happening elsewhere, he DOES look good.

Why don't you introduce me to this attractive, tall person?

You see, smoothy-boots - you've cracked it!

She's only just saying that. How can I convince him?

Within reason, of course.

Marina!

What are you doing?!

I should have thought that was obvious. I was doing this...

Should you be doing that to people in the street?!

I don't think I've ever enjoyed not being able to breathe before.

You see? You are going to be the Errol Flynn of the handcart.

Did HE wear a wig?

Glenda's new neighbour?

Davenport? Miss Davenport?! Her from the library?

A bit arty, isn't she?

Well, of course Glenda feels sorry for her.

She feels sorry for anyone who doesn't have a Barry.

If Miss Davenport wants to come, she'd better come.

Listen,

I want to make a short detour and startle this bloke from our street.

He's seen you in tights - there's not much further you can go.

I look great in tights.

Always reminds me how much I dislike spaghetti.

You're as daft as a brush.

I'm a pioneer. They always laugh at the first man to try something -

it's the price you have to pay. You wait till I'm Sir Alvin.

You're more likely to be cer-tified!

What's he doing? Getting wet.

What's he doing as well as getting wet? He's prospecting for gold.

No wonder his wife left him.

I thought she'd died. Well, you can't leave further than that.

Are you sure he comes this way?

I only ask because of your general unreliability.

He walks his dog here every day, showing it off.

He thinks it's a killer. Killer?! Then don't involve me!

We had no dealings with killer dogs in the vice squad. It's NOT a killer! It's like its owner -

full of wind and water. A sort of hurricane. What does he call it?

Rip.

I seem to remember, the trick is not to let it get near your throat.

I wasn't planning to. The most it'll see is my reversing lights.

Here he comes.

Come on! Come out of there, will you?!

Do as you're told!

What have you got there? Oh, it's too much animal for me. I'll have to let it go. It's terrifying.

They need a firm hand. What do you call it? Rover. Fido. Fido. Rover.

Actually, it's Dino. Dino.

What sort is it?

The bloke I got it from said it was a very old breed.

Come out, you brute! It's too much for me!

They do, they need a firm hand.

Come on, Rip, we'll shift it.

He wants Marina's present delivering to Marina's house,

which has a certain logic to it if you think about it.

We need some transport.

We need more than that.

They can't send the girl a naked dinosaur.

It ought to have, um... well, a ribbon round its neck

and a card saying, "Happy birthday! From your own primitive man."

He'd kill us! It would do him good - he's dropped me in it often enough.

By the way, your dinosaur's got a parking ticket!

You deal with it.

Miss Davenport works at the library.

Makes you wonder how people find the time to read books.

Have you always been Miss Davenport, or are you just between marriages?

I've never met the right man.

I don't think anybody's met one of them. They come in flat packs

and you have to make of it the best you can.

I suppose I concentrated on my career.

Miss Davenport writes books, as well as working among them.

Stories of the heart...

love, romance...

Nothing unpleasant.

She lent me The Blacksmith's Daughter to read. It was lovely.

Have you an interest in metalwork, Miss Davenport?

No.

The heroine was a great beauty.

She rose from humble beginnings to a place in high society.

And not from making horseshoes, I bet.

She had some wonderful adventures.

Miss Davenport makes you feel every emotion.

I'm afraid I am rather a creature of emotion.

We all were at one time of day.

But Mum taught us that if we went outside and scoured the steps, it would usually go away.

I love these quaint Northern customs.

Miss Davenport admits she's still a romantic.

Absolutely! I'm sure none of us could live without a touch of passion

or poetry

or the smell of wood smoke on an autumn morning,

the dew on spiders' webs,

the thrill of a sunrise,

the sweet sadness of lovers' partings.

At least, Miss Davenport, you'll be handy for the Co-op, living near Glenda.

Ah! Just what we need - a handy vehicle,

complete with crew.

We don't do dinosaurs. They leave scales all over.

You must have had a bad one. This is in peak condition.

Looks worse than Waldo. Him in the wig looks worse than Waldo.

Get that thing out of sight!

It'll kill any passing trade.

You two, conceal this thing down the alley.

We want to gift-wrap it.

We need some ribbon. What sort of ribbon?

Something attractive, smarten it up a bit.

Something that says, "Hello! I'm your birthday present."

I'll bet they never said that since the vice squad.

Who's it for? Is it for a lady? That neck is crying out for a nice choker or pendant.

Ah! Here comes the generous donor himself.

We'd like to keep it a surprise,

especially from him.

Did you manage to get me something?

Did we manage to get you something?!

You're talking to the can-do people.

What did you get?

It's a surprise.

Oh, I think you'll be surprised.

It's supposed to be a surprise for the person you're giving it to, not the person it's coming from.

Lucky you, then - this is a double surprise.

And don't forget - we're always here for those little accessories.

What have you lost?

Not as much as you when Pearl gets hold of you.

What have I done? It's a lie!

You're in trouble.

Why am I in trouble?!

You've forgotten her birthday. I heard them talking. Whose birthday?

Your wife's - Pearl's.

I've got the wrong birthday!

I haven't forgotten.

There's a present on its way, even as we speak.

What were you doing in the inspector's office?

Volunteering for Christmas duty.

You're not going to turn into a creeper, are you? I couldn't adjust to you becoming ambitious.

Have you no integrity?

Whatever happened to bone idle?

You can't accuse me of not being bone idle. I know what I'm doing.

I know what you're doing - working at Christmas.

The alternative is all the family round, opening presents, kids going barmy,

too much too eat, in-laws pretending to be cheerful...

You know what I'm gonna do, don't you?

I'm gonna put my name down for Christmas duty.

What was that?!

It were a dog. That were no dog.

Do you want bone idol or don't you?

You're right, it were a dog.

Taking it walkies? We're looking after it for a friend.

Howard says to turn back - he's got the wrong birthday.

It's not Marina's, it's Pearl's.

So it's going to Pearl now and not Marina.

Happy birthday, Howard!

No wonder gold is so expensive.

What are you doing, staring like you're weird?

I'm not staring, I'm appealing.

Not to me, you're not.

Appealing for help. Give us a lift down - I can't get down. Course you can get down.

Any fool can get down. Do you think I'd sit here if I could get down?!

Who knows? Who'd have thought you'd be squatting down in the river?

Well, that's what's done it. Me back's locked.

This isn't some kind of trick? If it is, I have a few of my own.

Stop blabbering and give us a hand. Would I willingly put myself in your hands if I had the option?

Come here. I'm going to put my hands round your neck.

It IS a trick - I knew it!

It's not desire, it's desperation.

Come on, then. I'm gonna shuffle off the wall.

Be careful what you're shuffling where.

Getting to know your new neighbour?

We can't stand each other.

Don't just lie there - tell her!

She's marginally better for falling on than concrete.

Oh! For me? What a surprise!

They're for Pearl.

Did you get the present? Of course we got the present!

What are friends for?

Let's be having it, then. She thinks I've forgotten her birthday.

Probably because you forgot her birthday.

I got mixed up, that's all. I knew it was SOMEBODY'S birthday.

Do you think you're well-trained enough to have a wife and a concubine?

What does he mean, concubine?

It's like a woodbine,

but it's considered reckless if you have more than one packet a day.

I don't smoke.

It's a very close female companion, you muffin.

Tell him, Entwistle.

It's what they made do with in the ancient world, before they invented central heating.

I've got central heating. Then you'd better hurry home - your boiler's steaming.

Can I have the present, please?

She'll see thee coming. What about the surprise?

Take the flowers, and she'll think that's all she's gonna get, then surprise her. I'll do that anyway.

I'll hide the present in my pocket, and she'll think that all she's getting is the flowers.

You don't want to crunch it up, shoving it in your packet.

Of course. Go and take her the flowers, and we'll leave the present on the doorstep.

Don't let me down!

Howard! We've stood by you through thick and Marina!

Go! All your friends are behind you.

You can rely on us. It's not for nothing I was called Unduly Truly.

Go and put happiness into Pearl's life.

Ta-da!

You forgot, didn't you? Who reminded you?

How could I forget your birthday?!

Of course I didn't forget.

If I forgot, how come there's a present for you on the doorstep?

For me? You bought me a present?

Not just the flowers? It's on the doorstep.

PEARL SCREAMS

Howard!

There's that dog again. It's found its owner.

He's very affectionate.

I love a happy ending.

Subtitles by Vicky McDonald BBC Broadcast