Original subtitles

- What are you doing?

- Yes, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Wait!

- Can I open them yet?

- Yes.

Cheers.

- Cheers.

- To you, too.

♪ And we'd all see what you could do ♪

♪ 'Cause if you only rise, you could make it work ♪

♪ To the other land ♪

- OK, are you recording now?

Are you recording?

♪ There, tell them ♪

♪ Everybody's asking of them ♪

♪ And when you get there, tell them ♪

♪ Everybody's asking of them ♪

♪ Have you seen the stars today ♪

- Everything that glitters is gold.

♪ Seems to me they've gone away ♪

♪ Opened up like 27 ♪

- This is, this is something I would like to do,

but of course, you know.

♪ And if you're lonely ♪

♪ Then I could build a boat for you ♪

♪ And then, you'd owe me ♪

♪ And we'd all see what you could do ♪

♪ 'Cause if you only rise ♪

♪ You could make it work ♪

♪ It could take you to the other land ♪

♪ And when you get there, tell them ♪

♪ Everybody's asking of them ♪

♪ And when you get there, tell them ♪

- Oh my God, we look so young in these.

Why are you up so early?

- I'm off to Katelyn.

She's such a darling, but remodeling her house

will take longer than reconstruction.

- Ooh, this one's before Mexico, Jesus Christ!

That's my birthday, that's incredible, look at that!

- You know where I'd like to go with you?

You remember Mexico?

Chichen Itza, that, uh, El Castillo,

that pyramid in the middle.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, that's where I'd like to celebrate with you.

Us standing up there, the sunlight going down.

Beautiful!

Like it?

There is so much work to do, you have no idea!

I'll be back for the party.

In time, promise!

- Hey, hey, I'll tell you

what I told Travolta, not in the face!

- Nobody drinks anymore, it's all about G.

- Yeah, but like, can't you die?

- Only if you do too much.

- Happy birthday!

- Henry!

- Hey, hey, uh, Dennis.

- All I can taste is whiskey, where's the sour?

- Right, you know how Daddy likes it,

Dennis, careful, he's in a mood.

I mean, remember last time?

I'm not getting fired again!

- High kick!

- Ah, yeah, not now.

You're good to go, thanks.

- Well, the ratings are down everywhere,

I mean, the only thing that's not going down on it is him.

- Listen, we need a gimmick, we need a sensation,

something to trigger the show.

Something to survive the next season--

- I've got a good idea, have another angioplasty,

or better yet, become a transsexual--

- Oh, stop!

- No, no, seriously!

- A brain tumor would get us at least two more seasons.

- Guys, I'm serious.

- Get two seasons out of that.

- I'm in perfect health, I've never been in better shape,

'cause when I was sick, you always stood at my side.

That really showed me that you loved me.

- Yeah, but that's, no, no no no.

We, we, we care about your health,

and we have every confidence in you,

so why don't we just take a moment and, uh,

look at some of your new sketches for the restaurants--

- There isn't much to see, that,

that's the fuckin' problem.

- Look, we design interiors, not stunts for the show.

That's your job.

- Wh-what did you just say?

We do?

So we do wait for the order of the next season,

and we do pay for all your nice and pretty things.

- I'll get you another whiskey sour.

- Yes.

Double!

- You know, we could, uh, up the flesh factor on the show.

- Hey!

- What are you doing?

- Eating.

- Are you new or something?

You don't eat in front of gay people!

I haven't had chips since I came out!

You're welcome.

- No-no, you left a drifter with crotch rot

stick one in?

- No, fucker, I didn't know he was homeless, OK?

I thought he was from Echo Park!

- Wasn't there a smell?

- No, he had really nice shoes, OK?

- How long have you been standing there?

Uh.

Farleigh, Farleigh?

Hey, Farleigh!

Farleigh!

Thank God, you gave me a scare.

I'm just exhausted.

- Oh, come on!

- You know, let's just go to sleep,

I, I have, I have a really early morning, OK?

- Church?

- Yes, church.

No, I'm serious, I really should sleep.

Good night.

Uh, before I forget it, um,

could you take the Porsche tomorrow to a car wash?

Thank you.

- I just got it waxed like a week ago.

- Yeah, but it needs to look perfect.

I got somebody who comes by tomorrow to take a look at it.

- Why?

- Because I agreed to sell it,

and I think I found a buyer.

- Sell it, the Porsche?

- I need to liquidate some assets, Dennis.

- But what will I drive?

- Has it ever occurred to you to get a job?

- A job?

- Yeah.

- You're joking.

- No,

no.

You live a very costly lifestyle, my boy.

- Like what kind of job?

- Well, what are you good at,

besides swilling champagne and going to the gym?

Which, by the way, it lately seems you've been doing

more of the former and less of the latter.

Why does it have to be so loud?

Can you turn on the lights, please?

- Meet me in the War Room

in a half an hour and bring me a Xanax or five.

- Spanker of the House again or wife?

- The missus has been so good

about staying out of the picture,

well, she decided to steal my congressman back.

- How is she planning to do this?

- Convince him to run for a second term.

- What, they live up in Pasadena.

- Well, she wants him back in Washington

for the next six years.

- Lonnie, do you think I have crow's feet?

- Dennis, what is with the fucking crow's feet?

What is wrong with you?

- What about a new someone, like a new Spanker.

- Are you outta your goddamn, corn-fed mind?

I'm no spring chicken!

I invested the best years of my life in that dickwad!

No, it is time to dividend collecting, my friend,

and it's the same reason you had to fight

for Diedre fucking Diamond's aging pussy!

We are not 22 years old anymore,

with the world at our fingertips

and people beating down our door trying to fuck us!

- Speak for yourself.

- Face facts, wild one.

We made our beds and it's about time we lied in 'em,

'til our geezers die, we get their money,

and then we start this whole cycle all over again

except this time, we're the ones

who get to fuck that hard cock.

Or a tail in your place, Lonnie.

My point is, there's no guarantee I'll find another speaker

and even if I do, he'll probably wanna get married

or have children or something awful like that.

You may think you look like you did 10 years ago,

but women, when they meet men at age 30,

want them to have fucking careers, not a resume

filled with one-night stands and party-attending!

- Meow.

- Truth hurts, Gugana.

- You two, queerty, last time I checked,

the sell by date on chicken of the twink ass,

it expired around age 24 and you, my friend,

are well past that sell by date.

Crow's feet don't lie.

- Bartender, another round, please!

- Honestly, I don't give a fuck if he goes back to Arizona.

I just want my rent and my Barney's card paid.

- Well, tell him you love him.

- That sounds hard.

- Tell him he doesn't have to be a congressman

to make you happy, that you'd rather him retire

and live on a congressman's small pension to be with him.

- True love, that's playin' dirty.

- Well, so does he,

if Paulette's stories are even half true.

He'll respect the hardball tactic and be flattered

that she's the only woman who loves him for his real self.

- Dennis, that is either stupid or fucking brilliant.

Thank you, drinks are on me.

- Farleigh's punishing you for getting old.

You're not old.

- Oh, no, then why's he taking the Porsche away from me?

- Maybe he needs to free up some cash.

- No, bullshit, he's richer than Zuckerberg.

- So you need a job?

Is there anything you can do?

- I thought boy toy was gonna be it.

If only I'd gone to college like you.

Everything that seems mildly interesting

or even tolerable says college degree required.

- I thought you went to college?

- Four months at Bard, then I met Farleigh.

It's been Dicklick Manor ever since.

- I think you're overreacting.

- No, I don't think I am.

The only job I've ever had was a swimsuit model.

Two weeks in a banana hammock qualifies me for nothing.

Call boy seems to be about it.

- Ya fuck for things, not money.

If you fuck for money, it makes you a whore.

- You know what?

- Hmm?

- Maybe all I need to do is convince Farleigh

that I'm just as desirable as ever.

- How you gonna do that?

- Are you free tonight?

- Hello, anyone home?

Where's Javi?

- A long day?

- Where's Javi?

- I gave him the night off.

- Why, I'm starving!

- Because I thought my guy needed pizza tonight.

- Pizza, Javi won't let me eat pizza anymore.

- I know, that's why I gave him the night off.

- Good boy.

- Seemed like you could use a little more comfort food

and a little less tofu stir fry.

- Would you like some verve, we're also celebrating.

- Celebrating what?

- I got a job.

- Really, where?

- At a travel agency.

- They still have those?

- Yes.

- Are you qualified?

- Not yet.

Dinner first.

- I'm not hungry--

- Oh, lies, you just said you were starving!

What in the hell kind of hot mess are you?

- What, fuck face, you said Farleigh likes 'em young,

so this is what all those fags are wearin'!

- That's perfect!

My God, it's just very convincing.

- Can it, homo, your pizza's gettin' cold.

- Your dream, I'll be right back.

- Yeah.

- Do you have a few singles for a tip?

- Yes, sure.

- He's so cute, he deserves a big one.

- Why, uh, I take it, I take it.

- Listen, you had it, you had it--

- No, no, lemme get--

- He's cute.

Whoa!

What the holy hell's going on here?

- Hey man, uh, who's this?

- This is my boyfriend,

just what is going on here?

- I'm sorry, I, I thought you were alone.

- You must be kidding, I leave you alone for a minute

to go and get change and you--

- I thought you said you were gonna get changed

into something more comfortable.

- I'm quite comfortable as it is,

thank you very much.

- I, I'm sorry, I thought, we had a connection at the door.

Um, you're just, you're very--

- Very what?

- You're very fuckable.

Look, please don't tell my boss about this!

- Uh, wait, wait, wait!

Your tip. - Yeah.

- Does that happen often?

- What can I say, I'm fuckable.

- Jesus Christ!

- My ankle, I think it's broken!

- Oh my God, are you OK?

- No, I am fucking not OK, what does it look like?

You are your stupid candles!

Take me to the hospital!

- I'm sorry.

- Now, Farleigh, slow down.

I have something for ya.

- Oh, really?

- It's been in my family for generations.

It's not antique, it's vintage!

- First day at work!

Well, aren't you gonna wish me luck?

- Let's see how long it lasts.

Javi, have the impression that this cane looks from Kohl's.

- No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!

- I'm so sorry, we only hire PhDs and higher,

including me, as a doctor of philosophy--

- You know, I'm just bored,

and walking's kind of my gift.

- Absolutely, you're a legend around here.

Wonderkid at 17, scores sugar daddy

at his first Fashion Week.

- I'm here to get my car, but I don't see it.

You know where it might be?

- Is every OK with Farleigh?

- Sure, why would nothing be OK with Farleigh?

Wow!

Was I supposed to track that?

- It'd be nice if you knew where it was.

♪ What lies in store ♪

♪ Something that is lost ♪

- If you need money, you know,

I heard the accounting department is looking for people.

- You know, we do have a program that Starbucks

does pay for your college tuition when you work with us,

so that's something you can find out on the website.

Do you have the card?

- Thank you.

- Hey.

- Dude, what--

- I've been lookin' all over for you.

- Aren't you supposed to be

at a travel agency or something'?

- I need to borrow some money.

- Are you stoned?

What about this job of yours?

- There is no job.

- You've been lyin' to Farleigh for the last three weeks?

Oh my God, Dennis.

- Please, it's just a loan.

- Does it look like I got any money?

- I'm up shit creek!

- Then why don't you hock

some of that jewelry you got?

- But these were gifts.

- Gifts?

Wow, true story,

Farleigh was designing a Standard Hotel on Sunset,

I was takin' a course to become a life coach.

The Vanity Fair party was comin' up

and you know that's everything to me.

And then all of a sudden, Farleigh

and by what, you ask?

A boy, do you know who that boy was, Dennis?

That boy was you, everything I thought I built with Farleigh

was taken away from me, just like that watch and that ring!

- These used to be yours?

- Oh, oh, and that $40,000

Tiffany love bracelet, the one that you leave

layin' around like fuckin' costume jewelry?

Yeah, that one, too.

- I had no idea--

- Oh, eh-eh, all of a sudden,

I was bein' asked if I wanted to stay on

as the in-house chef.

- I was your replacement.

You never said anything.

- 'Cause I got class, bitch.

- Do you think there's someone else?

Some little skater dude from Venice

with second-grade highlight and low-riding shorts

that lets his ass whisper,

andquot;Come ride the innocence out of me?andquot;

- Dennis, you never pay much attention to his work.

I think he's shootin' today,

why don't you go surprise him, wish him luck?

- I hate being around those cameras!

- Dennis, you peacock around all day anyway,

I don't understand, what's the problem?

- Wait, I need gas money.

- Really, Dennis, really?

God, you're,

here, go, go, bye, bye, bye. - Thank you.

- Action!

- And as we all know, it's been rumored

that she has had affairs with all of her husband's generals,

quite a party girl.

- Look, Farleigh, this is a common perception

of Pauline Bonaparte.

What Pauline Bonaparte is trying to do,

she's just trying to say up yours to the French nobility.

She's not trying to act like a pute,

she's trying to be a revolutionary, you see?

- Yes, I, I, um, I'm just impressed.

But well, that is when street--

- Meets chic.

- Oh my.

Dennis?

- For you.

- Uh, well, what are you doing here?

- I just wanted to wish you luck,

is that so unusual?

- Um, no no no, um, c-can we take a break here, please?

Can we take?

Oh, well, Dennis, uh, join us!

I would like for you to meet Jasper.

- The pool boy?

- Yes, uh, Jasper has been working

in a pool-related capacity.

- What's he doing here?

- I made him

the lead designer of this project.

- What?

Is this restaurant underwater?

- I love your sense of humor!

No, I am mentoring him.

- Mentor this, Mr. Chips.

- Quite a party, what, what is the most impressive thing

that you would chose,

that would occur to you here at this sculpture?

- Um, well, this, this is a,

uh, it's a naked woman and a, and a child.

Eh.

- I caught Farleigh with the pool boy.

- What, what pool boy?

- The little Latin shit who picks leaves out of our pool

is Farleigh's new designer.

- The one you called the Colombian Keane painting?

Oh, you caught them fucking?

- No, not fucking, designing.

- Well, that's probably all it is.

- He's on the show.

- Ooh, yeah, that's not good.

- Darling, I need some help.

- I'm in the foyer!

- And who, pray tell, is our visitor?

- Uh, it's a buddy of mine from the gym.

- Hello, ma'am, I'm Dennis, it's a pleasure.

I've read your column ever since I was a little boy.

- You're much too kind.

- Eh, Dennis got into a fight with his boyfriend.

- How could anyone possibly fight

with a young man so handsome and divine?

Lonnie, darling, let's get this one a drink.

Perhaps an Arnold Palmer,

they could be so refreshing in this heat.

- Sure.

- Of course.

- You know, men, especially the powerful ones

with fragile egos, can be so difficult sometimes.

Eh, Hilary, Clinton that is, once told me

after a beau and had a legendary spat,

andquot;You just need to get back in the saddle

andquot;and ride them to the finish line!andquot;

- I'll remember that.

I'm very sorry to have stopped by unannounced.

Clearly, you two are off to some kind of engagement.

- Oh, it's just some silly gala raising money for something.

I have won an award, I do believe.

That's how they force ya to attend.

Oh, Lonnie, darling, I am in dire need of a Kir.

- I should go, I can talk to Lonnie later.

- Oh, I wouldn't hear of such a thing!

I do not allow wounded little birds

back into the wild to be devoured by the alley cats,

and certainly not one as adorable as you.

- Oh, I'll be fine.

- You should join us at the gala.

- I couldn't impose, besides, I'm hardly dressed.

- That is easily fixed, you appear to be

about my Lonnie's size.

I'm sure we will find him something.

Lonnie, darling, we have a third at the gala!

- Did Diedre commit to posting this story?

- Nope, no such thing as free press, darling.

- The money goes to a good cause.

It's her boy toy that's insufferable.

- They say he's Ivy League.

- Ocean League is more like it.

- Diedre says his cock is huge, oh,

and that other boy, Ethan--

- Did sitting wars at the charity table become fashionable?

- Paying for sex, I applaud.

Paying for love, tragic!

- Excuse me,

like you think you're so important

because you're ran Fox for three months in the 1990s.

Who cares, who fucking cares?

I know this guy, and you're full of shit.

- Let's get outta here.

- What about Diedre?

- Let's go!

I just can't do this anymore, like I really do love Diedre!

- I know that.

- I'd give anything to have an Arnold Palmer

and my Kindle in the Adirondack chair in the backyard.

- Do we, wanna cut out?

- I don't wanna go home.

- Me either, I've got Diedre's Amex in my pocket.

I think we should go all out and get a suite.

- Ooh, money bags!

- How the fuck am I supposed to run this household

if he's runnin' off with my staff and not tellin' me!

- Isn't it the issue that he isn't telling me?

- No, no no no, don't you dare feel defeated!

And don't you dare give up.

Farleigh is your man, you fight for him!

- You didn't.

- Yeah, well, I didn't love him, did I?

Not like you do.

He loves you, you have history.

- He does?

- He left you a note.

- Why are you helping me?

- Because we have history.

Go take a nap, you look like shit!

- Good evening, darling.

- Good evening, how are you?

- Specialty, always on us.

- Thank you, sir.

- I think you'll care to love.

- Well, I should be seeing as I do.

Good evening, how are you?

- Good. - How are you?

- Excuse me, thank you.

- You know, and do you see?

- It's classy.

- And do you see the reflection of the moon

on, on, on the roof?

Dennis, you remember Jasper?

- Yes, of course.

- Yes, of course.

- So, it's time for you boys to get to know each other.

Jasper is the one who is going to be the breakout star

of Hard Nock Design and you,

you are and you always will be, my muse,

so it is imperative to me that you get along.

- Dennis, I hope you don't mind,

we, uh, we already ordered the wine.

I hate red and they have, what, two bottles of French?

Farleigh, here, can't live

without the Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc.

- Yes, I know.

- What's your, uh, what's your story, Dennis?

- I went to college and never finished, how about you?

- I tried to convince him to continue it and finish, but--

- The point of going to Santa Monica City is, what,

to be an assistant accountant?

Can't do anything important there.

- Where does one do something important, Dennis?

- I don't know.

One of the Ivys, Brown maybe.

- No, I think we're going to go

with the Sonoma Sauvignon Blanc, please?

- Good choice. - Thank you.

- You seem very precocious for a barrio boy.

- Dennis, that was both racist and class-elitist.

- No, it's OK, I don't mind.

It's, uh, I'm very proud of my background.

It may not be what you value, but it's real.

That's enough for me.

- Oh, you're so generous.

- So tell me again, how did, um,

Jasper show you his authenticity?

- Well, it was actually at the pool.

- Ah, your favorite spot to display your talent.

- Well, Farleigh, here, was having a little trouble

with the entrance and, uh--

- That's never been your problem with me!

- The entrance of the restaurant, come on!

The stone, the stone wall,

the facade was just too oppressive!

- It's true, yeah, he through a pencil into the pool.

I've never seen him so riled up.

- And he fished it out and started to sketch,

and he, he brought that, that,

that creativity that he changed the, the rhythm of the stone

that made it weightless, and that was the moment.

That was the moment when I realized it would be a crime

not to take the boy out of the hood and into my show.

- So where did you develop this talent, Jasper?

Your parents still live in East LA?

- Uh, no, I never, never met my parents, actually.

They died when I was very young, so.

- I'm sorry for your loss.

- It's OK, it happens, eh?

- You always tell me that I inspire you,

but I know that I could never be your creative partner.

It's, pff, I can't create anything.

You're talented and smart.

no matter the cost.

- Sometimes I realize why I love you, Dennis.

- That's sweet.

Who's ready to order, huh?

- So, did you like the food?

- Si, it's fantastic.

- Yes, it was excellent.

Oh, there he is, all right.

I'll give Jasper a lift.

Jasper, you drive?

- Nice seeing you, Dennis.

Hope to see you again soon sometime, eh?

- No worries, I'll be right back home.

- Got Jasper home safe?

- I did.

- It's six a.m.

Do you love me?

- Dennis, um--

- I love you.

- Somebody got married!

- Get the fuck outta here, how did that happen?

- Well, I didn't come home,

and yesterday morning when I stumbled in,

Diedre was out of her mind with worry.

She thought I left her after her friends

treated me like shit, anyhow,

she was so relieved that I got back that she, uh,

immediately proposed marriage,

and, yeah, we did it at the Caesars.

- All right, man, congratulations!

- Thanks.

- You need a houseboy?

- What are you talkin' about?

- My days are numbered.

Farleigh's fucking the pool boy, a.k.a. the lead designer

on the new cycle of his TV show.

- Honey, we have to get Farleigh out of the house,

you can work him a lot better without that pool slut around.

- That's not a bad idea.

- They are shutting down next week

while they wait on building inspectors.

- Perfect, give him a gift.

- A romantic getaway.

- You'll have to leave that pool slut in charge

for a little while, you don't need much time with Farleigh.

You got this!

- I think I'm losing.

- Dennis, you're one hot piece of ass,

and you're charming as all get out.

- Damn straight!

- Farleigh loves you, seduce him again.

- There's just one problem.

- Aw, baby, those crow's feet are barely even noticeable!

- That's not what I'm talking about, bitch,

my problem is I'm broke.

I don't have any money to be able

to book a romantic getaway.

- OK, well, we got ya covered.

- Farleigh knows I don't have any money.

- How 'bout that travel agency ruse you pulled?

Just tell him you gotta go look at a property.

- Where?

- Yeah, where?

- My wife and I, we have a place.

It's gonna be all right, darling.

- Excellent, already medium rare.

- I need a boat.

Uh, yes, now, please.

- That's like two hours!

- Javi, I have this, thank you.

- I told you to let me handle the arrangements!

- I'm going in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa, I gotcha, I gotcha, I gotcha.

Looks like you two ladies could use a hand.

- Why, yes, I think we could.

- Baggage, huh, who needs it?

- So, are you coming or going?

- Uh, coming.

- Oh, good, us, too!

- I hear you got the last boat.

- Yeah, you looking for a ride?

So I work in social media and Wall Street Journal,

and I got it basically--

- Amazing, so I have to talk

about it a little bit.

- And then drunk shopping is basically

number one destination.

- Oh my God, totally!

- I set out an entirely separate budget

and set up a different bank account just for this trip.

- Thank you, ladies, for the ride.

- Girl, blow the fuck off!

- I am!

- Thank you, thank you.

- Hey, come on.

You have it, your bags? - I'm good.

- I have a twisted ankle, I'm not dead.

- Keep that still, please.

Gentlemen, can we have someone help this guy, please?

You OK?

One more.

- Let's get this bag off the boat.

- Thank you.

- Tell me we're gonna have more service here!

- Can't be less worse, this better be Xanadu.

Oh my Lord, is this the house of that shrew Diedre Diamond?

- I don't know, she must've rented

this place out through my agency.

- If it was, I don't know what to say.

A weekend spent in this debris of a storied career!

This is camp heaven, will you look at this?

Diedre Diamond with the stars of yesteryear, there's, uh--

- Looks like you're happy I stole him away from LA.

- Jack Lemmon, Tony Danza, Tony Dana.

Oh, Bill Clinton, yeah, of course!

- Should we find the liquor and go step outside?

- I could look at these forever!

- You know I hear the beach is clothing optional.

♪ Say you love me ♪

♪ To my face ♪

♪ While in your embrace ♪

- And this is like, this is--

♪ Just say you want me ♪

♪ That's all it takes ♪

♪ Hearts gettin' torn ♪

♪ From your mistakes ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't wanna fall in love ♪

♪ If you don't wanna try ♪

♪ But all that I've been thinkin' of ♪

♪ Is maybe that you're mine ♪

♪ Babe, it looks as though ♪

♪ We're running out of words ♪

♪ To say ♪

♪ Just say you love me ♪

♪ Just for today ♪

♪ And don't give me time ♪

♪ 'Cause that's not the same ♪

- I understand, but whose idea

was that freestanding oyster soleil bar?

And where is Jasper now,

then go find that little fuck!

- Something the matter?

- Yes, something's the matter!

Gordon told Jasper that he wanted that oyster soleil,

fucking Jasper thought it was a brilliant idea

to change all plans and install a freestanding bar,

which, of course, had to fail

the final inspection of the ADA!

- ADA?

- Americans with Disabilities Act,

'cause in this country, even if you are crippled,

it is your God-given right to sit

at the oyster bar.

Fuckin' Jasper!

- Well, what does this have to do with Jasper?

- Gordon Ramsey's gonna have a fit when he's been told

that his celebrity opening has been postponed,

and we don't have anyone to tell him on camera!

I'm here and fuckin' Jasper has gone missing, vanished!

God knows where!

Christ, I should have never allowed him

to take so much responsibility!

Dennis,

this season has to be the best.

If not,

the show is what runs my business, you understand?

Even if I make it back in time, I, I, I,

I don't know if I can reassemble the crew.

- Can you call a friend to go on camera?

Nate Berkus?

- That ugly queen?

Over my dead body!

Javi, get me back on the next flight to America, wherever!

- But what about our trip?

- Do, uh, excuse me?

Haven't you heard, you are not the Queen of England,

and unless you have a private jet,

the next available flight is the day after tomorrow.

Now, you need some sunscreen.

- OK, OK, what's the update?

- So we weren't able

to get Gordon with the camera team--

- No, the camera team is not enough.

If Gordon Ramsey, if Gordon Ramsey yells

and there's no one there to be humiliated,

how can this be reality TV?

No, I'm, I'm in the middle of a swamp!

- You like my boat, huh?

- I've been eaten by snakes!

Very nice here.

- Dennis, oh my fucking God!

- Hello, ladies!

- You guys have to join us, we just got here.

- Brit, they're busy!

Their dad's not gonna wanna take shots with us!

- Rubbish!

Look, Brittny, maybe you're right.

So, what do you say, let the adventures start

and order some margaritas!

- Yes, oh my God!

- I know we gonna have some talk up there!

- OK, so he's here visiting family.

- No, girl, he's here for work.

- OK, yeah, we meet him at the ATM.

- Oh my God, he's so hot!

- Uh-huh, oh my God!

He's here, he said he might join us!

- Yes!

I think he might be from, like, Europe or something.

- Oh, now I'm even more intrigued!

I love playing gay European.

- I'd love to see him, too.

- He's not European, he's like a Colombia person.

- Well it doesn't, ooh! - Oh!

- Jasper?

wait!

- I'll handle this, excuse me.

- You know him?

- This is so twisted, did he follow us?

- Will you explain what's going on?

- That pool boy is a homewrecker.

- I told you he was a mo.

Wait, and what are you doing cheating on Dennis?

- I'm not, that's Dennis' boyfriend.

- Your dad?

- Oh my God, should we leave?

No, no no, you can't.

Brit, phones down.

OK, here's the deal.

We all love chasing men who don't want us, right?

I mean, it makes the indifference that much sexier.

Listen, you have to give Farleigh

a chance to come chase you!

I mean, you have to trust that he's gonna come back.

- Come on, let's go in.

- So are you planning on telling me what's going on?

- Ah, it all seems rather complicated.

- No doubt.

- He said he freaked out.

- About what?

- The job, the show, what it would mean,

and when he screwed up that oyster bar inspection,

it seems to have hit him all at once.

- So he followed us down here?

- No, his uncle lives right outside of Cartagena.

- What?

- His uncle, uh, wanted to see him,

and with the pretext of a long-overdue visit,

he's got an airline ticket from him.

- Bullshit, that's about as real as your reality TV show.

- Dennis, Javi got us tickets to the next available flight.

We'll be back in Los Angeles day after tomorrow.

Set my chair up here.

- I'm not your manservant.

For fuck's sake!

There.

- Can I have a smoke?

- Come on, Dennis, we can make this work, can't we?

I have some questions I'd like to ask him about you.

- Don't, don't worry about my uncle, please.

- You're hiding something.

- Dennis, I'm not hiding anything,

I just have to make things right with Farleigh, you know?

- Mm, I'll say!

I've never seen him so worked up!

You're good for him, much better than me.

Did you check on him when he got back?

- You've been drinking, Dennis.

- Answer the fucking question!

- No, no, I didn't check on him.

- He depends on you, and when you leave him

to fester like that, it torches--

- What?

- If you hurt Farleigh in any way at all,

I will kill you.

- Good night, Dennis.

- I thought we might all go see Jasper's uncle today.

It's beautiful out,

good day for a visit, don'tcha think?

- What do you think you are doing, Dennis?

- Me?

- He's taken ill.

- Really.

- Yes, pushing him in the pool, excuse me!

How do you feel, my boy?

- I didn't mean,

didn't mean to get so sick.

I'm sorry if I ruined your day.

- It's not your fault.

We need to play it very easy and slow,

so we have you back on set

as a normal, functioning human being.

- Yes, thank you.

- Yes.

- Wow!

Well, someone ought to enjoy the day.

- Allow me.

My name is Peter, care for a cigarette?

- Gracias.

How did you know this is just what I needed?

- I've spent enough time in Tangiers to know

the look of a man who needs tobacco.

- You spent time in Tangiers?

- That's one of those places, you know?

Hard to avoid.

- Do you live around here?

- Here, I am just visiting.

Do you have a lover?

- I'm not sure anymore.

- How's it that you aren't sure you have a lover?

One tends to have one or not.

- Affairs of the heart.

- This person is, no doubt, a fool.

- I think I'm the fool.

- Life is cruel.

- Hmm.

- Hey, would you like to see where I'm staying?

- I would.

- It's a delight to play host.

- So, is this your place?

- In a way.

- Why are you so vague?

- You're a charming guy,

but I want to present myself carefully.

I would find it gross to flaunt wealth

or possessions in front of you.

- I'm from Los Angeles where that's a ritual mating call.

- Wealth is so unimportant in the long run.

That's why I don't want to play that game.

- Only rich people say that.

- Yeah, but maybe they know it to be true.

- And what, pray tell, is more important?

- Beauty,

perhaps, if there is such a thing, love.

- You don't believe in love?

- I think it's a bit like God.

You'll never really know he's real until you know.

- And how do you know?

- You meet him.

I'd like you to stay, and not just for the night.

The one who is waiting, does he love you?

- I don't know anymore.

- I could love you.

Stay with me.

Tomorrow, I have to take care of some personal things

in Cartagena, but after that, we can stay here forever.

but I can't.

- Well, because I still love him.

- You back?

- I am.

Where is everybody?

- Asleep, we'll all be going

to Jasper's uncle tomorrow morning.

- We are?

- Yes.

He just wanted to cancel it,

but I told him he can't do that, that's very impolite.

His uncle wouldn't stand for such a thing, and me neither.

- Sounds good, I'll make sure to shave.

- You better go to sleep,

- Aren't you coming?

- Perhaps in a bit, I,

I still have some work to do.

- Are you sure this is your uncle's neighborhood?

- I should've never brought you guys here.

I should've come on my own.

- Under no circumstances

would I have allowed you to come here alone.

- I would've been fine.

- You would've been abducted!

- If only!

- Here we go.

- Does anybody see this long-ass gun?

- Wh-what's his name?

- Enrique, it's me, Jasper.

- So can we go, OK.

- I want to, uh, introduce you to my friends.

This is Farleigh, Javi.

In the back is Dennis.

- Have a seat.

- Thank you, gracias.

- I didn't know you were traveling with friends!

- Si, si.

- Hola.

- And I welcome the unexpected.

Please excuse the dramatic arrival,

but these days, one must take extra precautions.

- You're Peter Cardones.

I recognize him from his work.

He's one of the most influential South American artists

to have emerged since the 1990s.

- You have quite an educated eye.

- His sculptures and installations

draw on architecture and geography to explore

the psychological, biological,

and economic aspects of urban oppression.

- Yeah, that's right.

- Well, he's been to every major museum

in the world, and so--

- So, what have you been up to, my boy?

- Ah, the question of the hour.

- I, I've been designing.

I'm even, uh, even going to be on his TV show.

- Hard Nock Design?

- Well, uh, didn't know I had a following

in Colombia, thank you, I'm flattered.

- I don't think, uh, a reality show is a great idea.

- Oh, we are very excited to have Jasper on board,

to have him take the lead on all of our project.

- It's true, Tio, I mean, this,

this show can change my whole career.

Eh, it's, the exposure from a show

like this, it's, it's priceless.

- But you won that big award at college!

What was it called again?

- You went to college?

- I, I think that college

might be overstating it a little bit.

- Overstating it?

Jasper is a graduate from the Rhode Island School of Design.

- You went to RISD?

- So you haven't answered my questions.

Why do you need to be on TV?

- I want access to a bigger clientele.

A TV show is like, it's like a big commercial.

- Or a soap opera?

- Sir, I take offense on that.

My TV show is as authentic and artistic as your work,

just in a different way.

- I mean, Tio, I've tried many avenues of work,

but it's, I mean, you know how difficult it is

to get your material recognized.

- Now that's the trouble with your generation.

You wanted instant applause, instant approval.

- Tio, it's like you and your privileged friends

worked very long before you found success.

- We changed this country.

We showed passion--

- But that's a luxury where there is--

- You have to show passion, aggression, revolution!

You are an artist!

- If the world were upholstery,

I'm just an interior designer, that's it!

- Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!

I must insist that you do not put your hands on him.

- You are being extremely rude!

- You make my boy think he can fuck his way to greatness?

You are pathetic, that's what you are!

To fuck an old man is to trade youth for possession,

- I don't have to listen to you, you are pathetic!

You are

an outdated cabron!

- Not good enough for your nephew, but good enough for me?

- Because you are damaged, you will never grow

or know what love is.

- Beg your pardon?

- I won't let my Jasper get involved into this!

He will not sleep his way to the top!

That's for whores, that's for actors!

- Javi, let's go.

- Tio, you think you love me, but you obviously don't.

We have to go, Dennis.

- Of course, I love you!

- No, it's time to go, Dennis.

- Listen, I gave up my life to raise you.

I let you fulfill your dreams!

I let you go to America!

- You let me?

- Si, I let you!

- Let's go!

- Get your faggot asses out of here!

- It's a Philippe Starck lamp!

- Go, go, go, go!

- Run.

- It's a piece of art, don't shoot!

- This is nuts!

- Go, go, go!

- Let's go, let's go, come on!

- What in goddamn hell was that?

What in goddamn hell was that,

you could've gotten us killed!

- I know, I'm sorry!

- And not only did you put us all in danger,

you're a liar!

- I know, I'm a complete shit.

- Why deny your past,

there's nothing to be embarrassed of.

- I didn't deny anything!

I came in here in street clothes,

and you start speaking Spanish to me

and creating this story, OK?

I just didn't correct you!

- I didn't need a story.

- You wouldn't have let me on TV without a story.

- I would have.

- But the producers wouldn't have.

- Come on, my boy.

I know it's not your fault, I know.

Everything will be fine now.

He can't hurt you anymore, huh?

Huh?

- I can't believe this happened!

Have your bags packed by seven a.m.,

the water boat will be here,

and if you're not down at breakfast by six,

you do not get a fruit cup!

- How's the eye?

- It's fine.

Jerk.

- Excuse me?

- I saw you laugh when I got punched.

- It was funny,

and long overdue.

- It was your fault.

- I'm gonna shower, wash off the grime.

- Brittny, hi, it's Dennis.

I need to borrow your hotel room at 6:30.

No, you guys can't be there.

I need to show Farleigh the parasite that Jasper really is.

He hasn't seen what I've seen.

Hey.

I called Nate Berkus, he's gonna cover the show with Gordon.

- Ah, no, not him.

- Don't be mad.

The girls invited us to their hotel.

Jasper and I are gonna meet them for a sunset cocktail.

I don't care if I lose everything,

I don't care if I lose Farleigh,

I'm not gonna see Farleigh hurt.

- You're going with Jasper?

- I'm trying to be nice.

- It becomes you.

- And leave us some tequila.

Remember, seven sharp!

Ready to go, I told the girls I'd meet them early.

- What about Farleigh?

- They'll meet us.

Brittny, Heather?

Guess they're running late.

- Should we go back to the lobby?

- Oh, look, tequila!

They said meet 'em for a drink.

- I, I don't know I should be drinking their tequila.

It's good, it's strong.

- Since we've found ourselves alone,

I suppose I'll say my piece.

I want to ask your forgiveness.

- Excuse me.

- I've treated you horribly.

- I, I, I wouldn't say that you've treated me horribly.

- I have, it's just, you know,

I'm jealous.

- Y-you're jealous of me?

- Your beauty, your intelligence.

- Um, well, Dennis, this stuff about RISD, I--

- Hey, I think that's cool, it sounds fun.

Wish I did college.

Maybe then Farleigh and I could communicate

the way you two do.

Woo,

Don't wanna ruin my shirt before dinner.

- Yeah, it's nice

- I suppose I should just come out with it already.

I'm stepping aside.

Farleigh clearly loves you, and you him.

- I, I don't think that you, that you understand, Dennis.

- No, I do, I do, it's fine.

Seriously, it's fine.

Farleigh and I had a great run.

What's funny is it's just I'm beginning

to understand what Farleigh sees in you.

I can't help but see it for myself.

I suppose after all this time, I'm...

a little bit in love with you, too.

- I can't believe you just said that.

What time is Farleigh coming back?

- 7:30.

Slow down, slow down!

Slow down, slow down! - Why, why?

- Slow down!

- I don't wanna slow down.

- This is, um, unexpected.

- You could say that.

- What about Farleigh?

- What about Farleigh?

- You were after him.

- Farleigh has to be, what, 50 years old?

I'm not after Farleigh.

- But that night, after the party,

Farleigh spent the night.

- He spent the night, it's not like he didn't try, but,

- I'm the one you want?

- Yes.

- Why?

- Because every time I'm with you, my heart goes crazy.

- My plan was to ruin you.

Get dressed, get dressed.

- What?

- Farleigh's gonna be here any minute.

Jasper and I--

- Why?

- Because I did it to hurt you.

- Jealous.

- I wish you had ever looked at me

the way I've seen you look at him.

- But I don't love Jasper.

- The first time he came to our place,

I knew I would lose you to him.

- Then why did you hire him?

- Because I thought I could still have him first.

- I'm not ready to leave you.

I love you.

- I know, and I loved you.

I do love you.

You know,

people always told me that

I was a fool to keep you.

But, um, I was the young boy

who could not grow up, I

Hey!

Javi, can you call, uh, 911, please?

- What you wanna hit, is desire, in season six--

Shut, shut the fuck up for a second.

Remember that it's designed for life

and no, this isn't art.

I cared about Farleigh as much as anybody,

so just give me a smile, something to, OK.

You good?

- Si.

- Here we go.

I don't know why they have,

this has happened so many times.

I beg your pardon.

- Been inside?

- I have, it's a madhouse.

I hear they're giving your boy Jasper the show.

Out with the old, in with the new.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to--

So how's life in probate?

- I have to find a new place to live.

- I thought he left you everything?

- Farleigh was up to his eyeballs in debt.

It's no wonder he was wanting me to get a job.

- Did you get anything?

- Couple hundred thousand.

Stashed it away in some sort of trust.

- See, he did love you!

What are you going to do with it?

- I applied to college, I wanna teach art history.

- Good for you, you always were the smart one.

How's the kid doing?

- He keeps leaving messages.

I can't return the calls,

but I can't just seem to delete the messages, either.

- You are smitten, I can tell.

- Don't tell Lonnie, OK?

He thinks I love him.

- Come on, it's starting.

Hey, you don't have to do this.

Come on, lemme take you home.

- Damn, the fuck is this?

- I've watched you do this for 10 years.

Trust me.

I can't help but feeling guilty.

- We've been through this, it wasn't your fault.

- I didn't want all this, not without him,

and yet, here I am.

- Farleigh left me the, the deed to the house?

- No, I'm giving it to you.

- You don't want it?

- It's a mausoleum now, it was always Farleigh's.

I know you want it,

you and Farleigh built this house together.

- [Javi] We have history you know.

- I miss you.

- There you are.

I was hoping I'd at least get to see you tonight.

- I'm sorry I left.

- Well, meanwhile, the network wants to replace Farleigh

- Javi's looking for a new pool boy.

- You know, Dennis, you weren't the only one that loved him.

- I got you something,

- What?

- A job, I convinced the producers

to keep you on as Nate's assistant.

It's not much, but it's better than pool boy wages.

- Dennis.

- Yes.

- I love you.

- You don't understand love.

- I, but I mean it.

- Hold your breath.

♪ Oh, take me out to see ♪

♪ With you arms around ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm too scared I might drown ♪

♪ And I'll back out 'cause I'm fragile anyhow ♪

♪ Can't you see that it's new ♪

♪ And it's not in your head ♪

♪ That I'd rather be that instead ♪

♪ My arms run black and blue ♪

♪ When I'm around you ♪

♪ And with everything we do ♪

♪ It's still not breaking news ♪

♪ Can't you see that it's new ♪

♪ And it's not in your head ♪

♪ That I'd rather be there instead ♪

♪ She looks out for him ♪

♪ While he's off broken ♪

♪ And distracted by other things ♪

♪ And would she bite her tongue ♪