Original subtitles

(Jeff Ross) I don't know, man.

I want to try something crazy up here right now.

If you think you have thick skin

and you think you can take a joke...

Yeah? Come up here, bud.

All right. Wanna come up here, buddy?

Wanna come up here? Come on up.

This is the ugliest police lineup I've ever seen.

(laughter and applause)

You are adorable. What's your name?

(laughter)

Michael. Michael?

Where you from, Michael?

College Station. College Station?

Oh, are you a college student?

No. No?

(laughter)

I got locked up before...

I got locked up before I could go to college.

You got locked up before you could go to college?

Oh, yeah, that's what happened, sure.

Like you were going to fucking Harvard and all of the sudden...

You look like... You're one of those rare people

who looks like a child

and a child molester at the same time.

(laughter)

You look like a sweet guy, like you wouldn't hurt anybody.

You're not a violent guy.

I don't know about that.

Oh, shit, next.

(laughter)

Come here, come here, come here.

How you doing, man? What's your name?

I'm good.

Forty.

Forty? Yeah.

Come here. Why they call you Forty?

Hmm?

Why they call you...

(laughter)

You're not under oath, you realize that, right?

Just a nickname, that's all.

A nickname. Yeah.

What's your job when you get outside?

You have a regular job?

Uh...

(laughter and applause)

Let's talk to Curious George over here.

(laughter)

My name's E.T.

Your name's E.T.?

Oh, I thought you looked familiar.

(laughter)

How old are you?

19.

Oh, my goodness, man.

Your breath is giving me the breath penalty right now.

(man) Hey, do the walk.

What's that?

(man) Do the walk. Do the walk?

What's that mean, do the walk?

(men) Do the walk! Do the walk!

What's the walk? Wait...

(cheering)

(cheers and applause)

I'm confused.

Is this a jail or a zoo?

(laughter)

*

(train whistle blowing)

Hello, I'm Jeff Ross.

They call me the Roastmaster General.

Like most of us, I'm fascinated by the American criminal.

I always wonder, what are they really like?

Why are there so many of them?

And do they have a sense of humor about their situation?

So I decided to roast 'em.

They're outlaws, they deserve it, right?

And if you can laugh at yourself,

you're one step closer to freedom.

But prisons and jails are closed-off places,

and they don't like outsiders looking in, for a reason.

I've seen people get killed.

I've been stabbed.

Lots of fights. Lots of riots.

I've got hit in the face a couple of times.

I've seen people get stomped to death.

They got knifes this long. Yeah.

And stabbing each other.

(Jeff) Not a single lockup in America had the guts to let me in,

except one, where they have 600 guys, 150 ladies,

and about 60 officers who could all use a little break.

So, screw it.

Armed with nothing but some insults,

I'm heading into a Texas County jail for a few days,

to kill or be killed.

*

A lot of jails would never let me come in here and do a show,

so thank you. Oh, you're welcome.

Why? Why did you say yes?

Well, we are proud of the facility here

and we're proud of the staff here.

We convey expectations

and if people do what we ask 'em to do,

there ought to be a positive incentive for doing that.

More than 90% of the people who are here

are gonna go home someday,

so you have to ask yourself,

when somebody gets out of jail,

do you want them to have been in an environment

where they were mistreated and they come out angry

or where they saw an environment

where people were taught personal accountability

and how to behave

and that that can lead to good things? Right.

Who do you want to live next door to?

*

When's the last time someone did a show here?

Never.

You look a little scared.

It's a little scary in here.

You don't have to worry about that.

I'll protect you. You have a gun?

No, I do not.

We're not allowed to carry guns in the facility.

So, what, do you just ask people politely

to stop beating me?

No, we'll actually assist in trying to get them off of you,

but we don't escalate.

We try to de-escalate the situation.

Where are we headed?

We're headed to 3A.

What's in 3A?

3A is maximum security inmates.

They are in here for aggravated assaults

with deadly weapons, murder.

Is it dangerous? It's dangerous.

Everywhere is dangerous in here. Right.

We never... We never relax while we're here.

Ever. Okay.

So. If I die, it's on you.

No, we'll die together.

All right. All right.

Blood brothers. Yes.

Blood brothers and sisters. Yes.

Brown, can you open your slider again?

You ready? Yeah.

You go first. Don't be scared.

You first. Don't be scared, come on.

(Jeff) What's up?

What's up?

How you guys doing?

What's up?!

Jeff Ross.

Randy Gray. Nice to meet you guys.

(man) Wave to the camera.

Saturday night, who's coming to the show?

(all exclaiming)

I thought I'd come take a look around, get ready for the show.

This a barbershop over here?

Yeah, it's the barbershop.

How you doing? Jeff Ross.

Nice to meet you, man.

What are you in for? Come here.

Assaulted a police officer.

You assaulted a police officer?

Yeah. Oh, my goodness, that's serious, dude.

What was happening?

They tried to take me to jail for something I didn't do.

And you didn't want to go?

I didn't want to go.

And who won that argument?

The police.

Obviously, they did, you know what I'm saying?

For real. They did.

What's that tattoo over here?

42-32.

What's that mean?

Dirty White Boy.

Dirty White Boy?

Yes, sir.

Who's the fucking baddest motherfucker

in this dorm?

There's a bunch of them. There are murderers in here.

Well, alleged murderers.

This is high-security dorm right here.

You coming to my show tomorrow?

I'm gonna try to. (man) Hell, yeah.

Yeah? Sure.

You gotta be on your best behavior.

Yeah. I don't want to get shanked onstage or nothing.

Oh, no.

You bust that shank, doggie.

No, we ain't gonna shank him.

You ain't gonna shank him?

No, we ain't gonna shank him, man.

Shank you very much.

(laughing)

This is where the white dudes hang out?

Sometimes.

Does anybody ever get offended by your tattoos?

Sometimes.

Anyway, good luck with the rest of your stay in jail.

How many years? 99.

Dude, you should get fucking six million years

for every Jew that died in the Holocaust.

(laughter)

Fuck this, man.

(Dicky) You know, we believe that

personal responsibility is important

and we have an inmate behavior management philosophy that we use.

And so for the folks that are gonna get to go to your show,

we told 'em that they had to behave for a month

with no disciplinary action or anything like that.

And so we had almost half of our population do that.

Wow. Yeah.

So I'll be performing for everything

from DUls to murderers.

Right.

They'll all be in the room with you.

Can you sit the murderers in the back?

No, they're gonna be up front.

Why is that?

So that if we need to move 'em, you know,

if somebody misbehaves, we can move 'em out.

(inmates chanting) Jeff Ross, Jeff Ross!

Jeff Ross, Jeff Ross!

(man) Everybody give it up for the Roastmaster General,

Mr. Jeff motherfuckin' Ross!

(cheers and applause)

What's up?

What the fuck is up? What the fuck is up?

What's up?

What's up, what's up?

What's up, buddy?

What's up?

What's up, motherfuckers? Are you ready for a show?

(cheers and applause)

(man) Hell yeah!

(Jeff) You ugly motherfuckers ready to party?

(all) Yeah!

All right.

Hell yeah, where my murderers at?

(chuckles)

Sit them in the back, shit.

(laughter)

Waller, you okay over there?

Come here a second, one quick second.

I need you to give everybody permission to laugh tonight.

Will you, please?

Yes, we all need to laugh.

Thank you, darling.

We're going to have a good time.

Thank you.

All right, I'll see you back at the hotel.

(laughter and applause)

(whooping)

(Jeff) Wow.

This is all right.

Shh!

How fucking fat are you, dude?

Extra, baby!

Who gains weight in jail?

This guy, right here!

Damn. What'd you do, rob a bakery?

Pretty much.

Fuck it.

What was your first phone call in jail?

Hello, Domino's?

Hell yeah.

This is a trip right here.

This is some gig, man.

(man shouting)

No one wants to talk to you.

(laughter and applause)

Frank.

I played basketball with him yesterday

and nobody would play with us.

Whoa.

I go, "Why don't you want to play with Frank?"

And they all went, "Hoo-hoo-hoo."

This is all right.

We got the fucking whites-only section up there.

What's up?

Wow, happy Hanukkah, fellas.

(Jeff laughing)

(man) Welcome to Bryan, Texas.

What's that?

(man) Welcome to Bryan, Texas.

Welcome to Bryan, Texas. Thank you.

What are you, the mayor? Shut up.

(laughter)

Now look at this guy. How you doing, man?

What do you got? How you doing?

Damn, we got Crips and cripples in here.

Damn!

What's up?!

How you doing, man?

This is awesome.

What's your name, sir?

I'm Robert. Robert?

Nice to meet you, man.

They all love you. They know you, man.

Look at it.

I see you're in a wheelchair, I hope you're okay, man.

What'd you do, bust a handicap in somebody?

Look at that smile right there, man.

You look great.

You look like Flava Flav's grandpa.

Yeah.

Man, look how covered up you are.

Holy shit, dude.

Can I actually show everybody? Come here for one second.

Oh, my God.

Dude.

Dude, look at this shit.

What's your name, man? What's your name?

What up, Nigger, I go by Ghost.

Ghost.

Why, you're about to disappear?

Look at you, man,

three more tattoos, you'll be a black dude.

Thank you, Ghost.

He's a scary-looking motherfucker right there, dude.

He got two teardrops melted together and shit.

Where my innocent people at?

(all cheering)

Where are my guilty people at?

(man) Right here!

How many people have lied so much,

they don't even know the truth anymore?

(scattered cheers)

Oh, man.

I came here today because I'm a big believer in second chances

and I know most of you, almost all of you will come out of here

and be back in the world before long,

so on a personal note, I wanted to see

if I could roast you guys a little bit

and see if you had a sense of humor about your situation.

And also, while I was here,

I was kind of hoping I might meet some NFL players.

Are there any here?

From the Patriots? I don't know.

Aaron Hernandez, that guy... (man) Yeah!

All right.

You're a big fan, huh? Yeah, big fan.

That guy had just signed a $40 million guarantee.

All he had to do was not kill three people.

(man) That's hard.

What's that?

It's hard.

It's hard to not kill three people?

I guess you would know, man.

It all started with O.J.

O.J. was my hero, that broke my heart when he got...

Man, he deserves to be in jail, that guy.

I'm not saying he's guilty, but his last birthday,

he cut the cake 47 times.

(laughter)

It was a vanilla cake, so...

Man. And of course he got away with murder,

'cause he had the most expensive legal team in history, man.

His lawyer, did you notice, was Kim Kardashian's father,

so you know that family is really talented

in getting black guys off.

Fuck, yeah.

You almost laughed, you fucking drug addict, look at you.

Dude.

Yeah, I'm here because, you know,

this could have been me, too.

I've been on my own since I'm a teenager.

I lost my parents when I was young

and I understand that not everybody in here

is a terrible person.

Some of y'all just did something when you were desperate

or didn't get enough of an education

or didn't get enough love and none of us are above the law.

We all slip up on the outside.

I've drank and driven a car.

I've lied on my taxes.

I shot Suge Knight.

But if I ever got in real trouble,

if I had to come into jail,

I already know it's all about survival.

I've been here a few days watching you guys,

paying attention to what's happening.

First day in jail, I'd walk in here,

I'd find the biggest-looking, meanest motherfucker in here

and suck his dick.

Let 'em know who's boss.

Come on.

(inmates chattering)

All right, to your health.

Radioactive right there.

(laughter)

Young man, he's too young to be in prison.

We got fucking Bill Cosby's rape baby over here.

Oh! (Laughter)

Wow, I wouldn't feed this to my dog.

(laughter)

Then again, my dog never shot nobody, so...

(all) Ohh!

Jail is serious, man.

Jail is serious, dude.

I had lunch here today.

Whoever is the cook should be arrested for attempted murder.

(cheers and applause)

(Jeff) Man.

You guys made me feel so much better already.

I had a rough date the other night.

I went out with this chick,

she was not into my Bill Cosby impression.

(imitating Bill Cosby) Now why is the coffee making you sleepy?

I put the Roofie in the puddin'.

(normal voice) That guy's in a lot of trouble, man.

27 women have accused him of terrible, terrible things.

That's heartbreaking, 'cause as a comedian,

Bill Cosby was another one of my heroes,

and all those years, Bill Cosby was like, "Hey, hey, hey!"

All those women were like, "Hey! Hey. Hey."

But Bill Cosby will never get in real trouble 'cause he's rich.

It's the poor people who go to jail in America.

There's racism, but there's also classism.

Right now, there's men in here locked up

for possession of less marijuana

than I have in my lungs right now.

(cheers and applause)

Am I allowed to ask why you're here?

I guess you could, man. I got caught with some weed.

Did you hurt someone? No.

I got a drug charge.

First felony charge of my life.

Really? Yeah, first...

First drug charge of my life.

I was in front of my house, I was parked the wrong way.

I was on some drugs,

but that wasn't why I was parked the wrong way.

Weed helps me adapt, man.

I'm serious. I got glaucoma, man.

I'm serious.

We're a free country, but we lock up more people

than any other place in the world.

The system's broken.

It's mostly minor, nonviolent drug offenses.

Marijuana is...

(man) Great.

It's medicine.

I live in California.

I got a prescription, man.

Medical marijuana saved my life.

I was dying of anorexia.

(laughter)

Just this morning.

(laughter)

When I was a kid, I had to risk my life to buy marijuana.

I used to have to go to the park at midnight in the rain

and pretend to play chess,

buy some weed off a guy who looks like this right here.

(giggling)

I knew you looked familiar.

(man) Just trying to make a living.

Just trying to make a living?

No, dude, you gotta change your ways, dude.

You can't... You can't get...

Plus, you guys are guilty mostly of thinking small.

You gotta think like the big corporations in America.

You can't sell meth to a teenager.

Sell Viagra to his grandfather.

I'm lucky I never got in trouble.

I sold joints at my prom, I was a messed-up kid, too, man.

Then I think about this country.

America was practically founded by a marijuana dealer.

George Washington,

father of our country, grew hemp on his plantation.

That's true.

And the first state to legalize marijuana?

Washington state.

Coincidence?

Who gives a shit?

The point is...

(laughter)

The system is broken.

Incarceration in America is a $75 billion industry.

That's what... They say crime doesn't pay?

It pays, it just doesn't pay you motherfuckers.

Right now, in some states, there's guys locked up

for stuff that's now become legal in that same state.

How crazy would that make somebody?

Right now, there's people in prison in the state of Florida

for shooting a black teenager.

That's practically a misdemeanor in Florida right now.

'Cause it's too easy to get guns in this country.

How many people here have owned guns in their lives?

Damn. (Man) It's Texas.

I know it's Texas, man.

(man) Everybody's got a gun.

Walmart sells guns 24 hours a day.

They sell booze till midnight.

(man) Yeah.

So if you really want a drink,

you can buy a gun and rob Walmart.

Makes no sense. (Man) Yeah.

The political system's broken, too.

We never learn, it's the same thing over and over again.

You guys can't vote,

but our votes don't count on the outside either.

'Cause there might be a bush in the White House

by the time you get out.

Hillary's.

(Jeff) How many times you been back here?

(man) It's like...

This is my third felony. I'm only 23.

How many times you been in here?

About ten, 20.

I've got 36 priors.

The recidivism rate is phenomenal.

Why do you think people come back to jail so much?

A lot of people are institutionalized.

It don't take but a few months to get that way, man.

Get used to people telling you when to go to bed,

when to wake up, when to eat.

Some people come down here

and learn something from their mistakes,

some people just dumb, don't learn nothing,

and go back out there and do the same thing.

(woman) A lot of times, I tell 'em, I say, you can break the mold,

you can be the one who steps away and says,

you don't have to do this,

and when they're talking to you,

they say, "You're right, you're right.

I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna do that."

And then they bond out

and then it could be just a short while later

or it could be a couple years later and here they come again.

Like me, personally, every time I come down,

I learn something, I better myself,

I try my best to better myself, you know,

but this time, hopefully, is my last,

I pray it's my last, you know.

Who's getting out soon?

I am.

How long you been in here?

Been in here a month.

A month?

You look like you've been in here since Shawshank times.

(laughing)

I'd say, turn your life around,

but you look like you got 30 days to live, shit.

(laughter and applause)

Anybody getting their GED,

high school diploma while they're here?

Right? That's awesome, dude.

Congratulations.

I bet the prom sucks.

What's the worst part about being in this place?

The SHU, man.

What's that mean, the SHU?

Locked down 23 hours a day.

In solitary?

In solitary.

It messed me up when I went back there.

It messed me up, too. It messed me up.

What did it feel like?

It feel like you in hell, really.

Why did you go in there?

Fights. Uh, starting a riot.

Talking to the guards and all that, you know.

What does it do to your brain, being by yourself?

Crazy.

It really run you insane.

It's all rubber, huh?

All rubber, so you can beat your head on it

and it will never hurt you.

Wow.

Do they get a bed or a toilet?

Nope, they don't get a bed, but they're...

They do have a toilet. It's right here.

This is the toilet?

This is the toilet.

We tell them to use the bathroom in here.

They just squat over this hole? Mm-hmm.

Is that why they call it the hole?

"Send 'em to the hole." Sure.

What's the longest somebody could be in here?

However long it takes to seek treatment.

Do you think it's torture?

Pr... Possibly, but...

We have to, you know, dot our "I"s, cross our "T"s.

We can't make...

We can't have anybody kill themselves on our watch and...

So we do the best we can.

I took a little tour of solitary.

I spent some time in a little solitary cell yesterday.

That really messed up my head a little bit.

How many guys have spent time in the SHU down there?

Really, that many?

Man, did it mess you up?

It would mess me up.

People need companionship.

They need someone to talk to.

You go into solitary for too long,

how do you keep your sex drive alive?

(laughter)

What do you do? Wait for a bug to crawl by?

Slow down, little lady.

Let me see those legs.

I got solitary, but you're getting the death penalty.

(mimics gunfire)

(Jeff) Is it heartbreaking for you

when you see someone come in or out of here?

(Waller) Sometimes it is,

but most of the people that we put in here

are in some kind of mental crisis.

(Dicky) What some people may not know

is that our nation's jails right now

are the biggest mental health institutions in the country.

Wow.

There's more mental health treatment going on in jails

than in hospitals. Really?

I have to see a counselor every week here

to unload my baggage.

I've been through a lot

and I still possess a lot of things inside of me

that nobody can even imagine,

that I saw as a kid.

Violent things? Yes.

Without going into too much history, you know,

in the '70s, they closed about a half a million

in-patient mental health facility beds

and there was no safety net,

and so today, unfortunately, we see a lot of those people

living under bridges and in jail.

And so it's an issue that our communities have to address.

So you have a personal connection

to keeping these people mentally healthy

and physically okay and so on.

It's my community. Right.

(man) For a person like me, I think this place is awesome.

(Jeff) Yeah?

Saved my life a lot of times. Wow.

Here in Brazos County, I slept under bridges,

park benches, shit like that.

Got real bad off on that dope and come in a place like this,

you get three meals every day, you get...

(clears throat) You get a bath, shower every day, you know?

So I'm feeling pretty good right now.

In the best shape of my life coming to fucking jail, dude.

Wow.

So you have everything from guys who got arrested

for not having the proper fishing license

to murderers. That's right.

At my show, in your jail.

What if I talk about the death penalty onstage?

I mean, that's a big issue in Texas.

Texas does have the death penalty as everybody knows,

and there are people here

who could be subject to that penalty.

This is a heavy state for the death penalty, man.

I have mixed feelings about it.

I kinda understand it.

You kill somebody, you might have to pay the ultimate price.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.

Some of you look like you've given more than others.

But it's how we do it that seems inhumane.

You put somebody in an electric chair and fry 'em...

That's cruel to me.

I think if you're on death row,

you should be able to decide how you die, right?

"Hey, Phil Johnson, you killed three people.

We find you guilty."

"Yes, Your Honor, I'd like to ride a roller coaster

without a seat belt."

"I'll allow it!"

"Your Honor, I'm a really big Lakers fan.

I'd like to eat Magic Johnson's Band-Aid."

Uh...

If I had to figure out how I was gonna die on death row,

I already know how I would want to die.

I'd want to OD on the three "P" s...

Pizza, pot, and prostitutes.

(cheers and applause)

I'd roll 20 fat joints, I'd order 20 large pizzas,

I'd order 20 fat hookers.

Whatever kills me first, I'm okay with.

I figure the hookers will eat the pizzas,

and I'll die of the munchies.

I feel like if you can laugh at yourself,

you can do anything in this world,

and I want to try speed roasting volunteers in the audience.

I'll take as many of you guys as want to come up.

All right. Both of you guys can come up.

All right, three? Huh?

That guy up there, back there, four, huh?

Come on, come on, five, right there.

All right. Come over here.

Let's talk to Mexican Uncle Fester first.

What's your nationality?

What's that? What's your nationality?

I'm Jewish.

You don't have no Mexican in you?

No, I don't want any either.

(laughter)

I'm Jewish, but don't tell those fucking Nazis up there.

Let me see those tats, dude.

Let me see those tats. Come on.

Don't be shy, let me see those tats.

(scattered cheering)

(Jeff) Oh, my God.

Whoo!

Dude, let me just tell you something.

You know, the war is over, but tattoos are permanent.

(Jeff laughing)

Dude, that shit's supposed to be tilted.

You know that, right?

(scattered laughter)

All right, well, fuck it,

you'll fix it in your next lifetime.

Anyway, what's happening, dude?

What's your name? Robert Regalato.

(raspy voice) Robert Regalato. Yeah.

Why is your voice like that?

What'd you fucking blow a horse?

Are you all right?

(laughter and applause)

Dude, don't get too close, all right?

Dude, every time I turn around,

he gets creepier and creepier-looking.

Come over here, man. How you doing?

(inmates shouting)

Oh, shit, how do they know you?

They roast me all the time.

You do? You get roasted all the time?

I don't give a fuck, so...

(laughter)

You don't give a fuck?

You look like you get a fuck every now and then.

This fucking guy. Look at his fucking boots.

Dude, my boots... My boots are not fancy, dude.

I'm sorry you're so dressed up.

Making fun of my clothes, your shit don't even fit.

(laughter and whooping)

Dude, this is just for fun, okay?

I don't care how many shirts you put under that,

you're not gonna be tough, all right?

How long you been in here, man?

You look so young.

I've been in here nine months.

Nine months?

Oh, just till she has the baby?

I didn't say shit to that bitch.

Shh, be nice, come on, man.

You're on TV right now.

Say hi, you're on "Cops."

Hi!

I sell drugs.

And look at this guy behind you.

He looks like he could use you as a dildo.

Come here, come here, come here.

How you doing, man? How you doing?

What's your name? Paul.

Paul? What's going on, Paul?

Not a whole lot. Not a whole lot?

And what are you, the bouncer here?

Jesus.

You got bigger tits than the women's dorm.

This was so fun. What's up, dude?

How you doing, man? All right.

What's your name, man?

Jason Crockett.

Jason Crockett? (Man) Crash!

They know you? (inmates shouting) Crash, Crash!

How do you know...

Oh, Crash? Why they call you Crash?

'Cause I crash a lot.

(laughter)

Guess that explains the three missing teeth, huh?

Least you're wearing this helmet.

(giggling)

Am I allowed to ask why you're here, Jason?

Sure, drugs. Oh, yeah?

I'm an alleged dope dealer.

Alleged?

And in reality, you're what, a kindergarten teacher?

(chuckling)

No, I feel you, man.

I hope it works out for you. Yeah, me too.

What do you see in your future, Jason?

Hopefully not 25 to life.

All right.

Tough to argue with that.

You sold drugs in the state of Texas?

You get 25 years to life.

If you did that in Colorado, you'd be driving a Cadillac.

(Jeff) Wow.

Baking a cake.

You're a regular chef, man.

Yeah, that's what I plan to do when I get out.

Be a chef?

Yeah, I'm going into culinary arts.

Wow! I'm gonna use my FAFSA.

Expand my mind and stay out of here.

Yeah. That's good, man.

Positive attitude.

Yeah, it's kind of rehabilitation.

Use the skills that you learn in here,

take it back out and do something different.

When do you put the knife in there?

After it's done. (Chuckles)

How you doing, man? All right.

What's going on?

(inmates shouting)

Shh.

Dude, what are you, a UFC fighter?

Part time.

I didn't know UFC stood for "ugly fucking Chicano."

What is this?

(laughter and applause)

Damn!

Dude, you're a truly scary-loo... (door slamming)

Someone just escaped.

(laughter)

Shit.

Wait, are you guys laughing extra loud

'cause somebody's trying to build a tunnel right now?

Just making sure.

Back there, come up here, you guys.

Come up here, come up here, man.

What's up, dude?

How you doing, man? All right.

I'm Jeff. Insane.

Insane? Yeah.

Okay, uh...

Insane...

I assume they call you that

because you're the most well-adjusted, nicest guy here.

So you're right.

Right? So you're right.

I'm right.

And when did you grow those pubic hairs on your chin?

Couple years ago.

(chuckles)

All right, Insane.

Can I check out some of your tattoos?

Yeah.

Jesus.

Dude, that's like $20,000 worth of tattoos.

You could make bond for all these motherfuckers

if you didn't have those tattoos.

What's this one over here?

That's my... That's my daughter's name.

It's supposed to have been a rose.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. (Laughs)

Supposed to have been a rose,

now it's just a penis with warts on it.

What's the worst part about being locked up?

Missing my family.

I bet. Do they visit you?

They visit me every now and then.

Yeah. What's your daughter's name?

Liaza Serenity.

Oh, that's beautiful. (Chuckles)

If she was here right now, what would you say to her, honestly?

I'd tell her I love her and Daddy'll be home soon.

That's good enough.

(cheers and applause)

(Jeff) I hope so.

You have kids waiting for you?

Yeah, I got two kids.

How old are they?

Six and three.

You miss 'em?

Yeah, all day every day.

I got kids, man, so I do want 'em to be positive and get out.

Stay in, stay out. You know what I'm saying?

Who's waiting for you on the outside?

My family, my wife, my kids.

(man) My son was right there when I got arrested.

So he saw that. Yeah, he was crying.

He knew what was happening?

Yeah, I talked to him the other day.

He asked me where I was.

He said, "Daddy, you in jail?" And I was like, "Yeah."

He already knows about jail.

I told him about it, all of it, jail, the streets, everything.

So that would be the worst-case scenario,

is your son grows up and winds up in here.

Mm-hmm.

Frank, come up here for a second, Frank.

Oh, my God.

Frank, how you doing, man?

I'm chilling, I'm all right. Yeah?

How come I saw you in a cell all by yourself today?

What the hell happened?

I'm not even making that shit up.

I'm getting ready for the show,

I was like getting my shit, getting...

Walking down the hallway and I see Frank like

in a giant room behind glass by himself going...

Dude, what were you doing?

No, they put me in there so I could calm down.

My wife come to see me today and she had a ticket

and she got arrested 'cause she had a warrant,

and I went off a little bit.

All right, first of all, she came to see me.

She happened to stop and see you.

I'm just teasing you, Frank, you know that, man.

I don't want to get you all riled up.

I ain't tripping, I bet you pay good, shit.

(laughter and applause)

Fucking awesome.

Why are you so jittery? Are you okay?

Are you nervous?

No, not really.

Are the drugs in your ass starting to kick in?

Frank, you kinda look like what happens

when the morning-after pill kinda works.

(Jeff) What about the women?

Do you think they'll have a sense of humor

about their situation?

Yeah, I think so.

Everybody likes to laugh.

(women laughing)

(Dicky) If you will, put your hands together

and help us welcome my good friend, Jeff Ross.

(cheers and applause)

Wow. What's up?!

Crazy.

What's happening?

All right, how you doing?

This is awesome. (Cheering)

Wow. How you doing?

This is crazy.

This must be hell,

all these women wearing the same outfit.

(laughter)

Orange is the new very black, look at you.

Man!

You're beautiful.

What's going on?

Have you been in here long enough to find me attractive?

Whoo! Huh?

Oh, look at this, this is awesome.

We got Justin Bieber here.

Take a bow, take a bow.

This is a trip for sure, man.

I have never done a show for all women before

and I've never done a show inside a jail before,

so this is huge for me.

Thank you.

Good thing about a jail show is,

nobody gets up and walks out.

(laughter)

I wanted to fit in with the guys,

so I shaved my head like an inmate.

(cheers and applause)

Now I find myself touching...

Doing this all the time,

which is good, 'cause it keeps me

from touching my balls in public.

Wow.

One guy, 50 female prisoners.

This is like the first scene of every porno I've ever seen.

I feel like I should be delivering a pizza or something.

How many people have been in here more than once?

No kidding.

What is this, summer camp?

How you doing, darling?

I'm good. How you doing?

Hold on, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's your...

I'm Big Mama Joe, that's my name.

Big Mama Joe. Wow.

It's raining men, hallelujah.

It's raining men, hallelujah?

Yeah. No shit.

You look so... Move back, stop it.

You're making people nervous.

Seriously, Kev, come on.

You can't follow me.

Stay over there. We're doing a show over here.

This is between me and Big Mama Joe.

That's right.

And her three illegitimate daughters behind her.

There you go.

There you go.

I'm making some child support payments...

(muttering) What's that?

Child support for them three illegitimate kids.

Child support?

How about some boob support?

(laughter)

You're all right.

Big Mama Joe, you're not my mama, are you?

I might be. You are adorable.

You are my favorite smurf, by the way.

This is so much fun.

It means so much that you ladies

would have a sense of humor about your situation.

Oh, wait, what is this right here?

Is that a baby in there?

Yeah. Really?

Can you come here for a second?

Can I see it? Oh, can I...

What's your name?

My name's Autumn.

Autumn? Autumn.

Oh, wow.

Why are you here? Did you rob a sperm bank?

No. (Laughter)

You look so cute. No.

Are you eating for two? Yeah.

Did you steal for two?

That's awesome.

This is good for the baby,

it's good for the baby to hear you laughing.

That's good for the baby's development.

Imagine if I was licking your pussy right now,

how good it would be for the...

(cheers and laughter)

For the baby's development.

I'm sorry if I go too far. I'll be careful.

Who's got the balls to come up here?

All right, come up here. One, two, three.

All right, we got it.

Four, over there, over there.

(cheers and applause)

All right, come on down, ladies.

That's it?

And one more?

What's going on? How you doing?

Doing great, how are you?

What's your name? Country.

Country? Wow.

Man.

Why do they call you Country?

Because that's how I talk.

Obviously.

How long you been here, Country?

I've been here about seven months.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Wow. How you holding up?

I'd be a lot better if I could be outside and free.

Who's waiting for you out there?

My two kids.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

That must be so hard, I can't even imagine.

Mm-hmm, it's hard, but I'm making it.

So you have to call the baby-sitter and say,

"I don't know when I'm gonna be home, but..."

"I'll pay you soon." (laughing)

"Help yourself to whatever's in the fridge." Yeah.

This is so fun. Hold on, Country.

Let's talk to...

Unfold your arms. Loosen up.

It's gonna be okay.

You look so beautiful in orange.

Thank you.

What's your name? Kat.

Kat? Yeah.

Me-ow. (Laughter)

What's the hardest part about being in jail right now?

I miss my kids.

You miss your kids. Yeah.

Well, and they can't come visit, can they?

I don't want them to.

You don't want them to see you up here.

Especially with that hairstyle.

No shit. Right?

I'm sweating like a hooker talking to...

What's that? What'd you say?

I said I was sweating like a hooker

talking to a beat cop.

(laughter)

Well, we got a beat cop, you're the hooker.

It's all working out.

This is so fun.

Let's talk to the librarian for a second.

(laughter)

Come right over here.

How you doing? I'm good, how are you?

What's happening? What's your name?

I'm Holly. Holly.

Holy Holly.

What's your stor... Shh.

(woman) Tell him your last name.

Why, they teasing you?

You got a funny last name?

Yeah, it's Hooker.

(laughter and applause)

That's why I came up here, Jeff.

Holly Hooker?

What? Yeah, yeah.

Get outta here!

Do you need reading glasses?

(laughter)

Do you accept... Do you accept collect calls?

What's that? Do you accept collect calls?

(laughter)

Come here, come here, come here.

How you doing? (Chuckles)

How you doing? I'm good.

What's happening?

Mmm... nothing.

Is anybody waiting for you on the outside?

My babies, my two babies.

Everybody has two babies, that's a lot of babies.

That's not bad.

Big Mama had two since the show started.

(laughter)

That's your next woman. What's that?

Ain't she your next girlfriend?

She would be, but she has to get back to work

at the Country Bear jamboree over at Disneyland.

What's your name? I'm Shaina.

Shaina.

Were you arrested for, what?

Theft. I'm guessing it was...

Theft, really? Yep.

I figured you were here for arson,

'cause my pants are on fire right now.

(cheers and applause)

So, come here, Shaina.

Theft, that's pretty heavy.

Are you allowed to tell me what you stole?

Baby food.

Cut the bullshit.

Baby food? Baby formula.

Baby formula? Mm-hmm.

From what, another baby?

(laughter)

Are you married? Not yet.

Not yet?

What do you think's more important?

Sense of humor or penis size?

Shh...

Both.

(laughter and applause)

All right, well,

I have an 11-inch sense of humor, so...

All right, ladies.

Group hug, group hug.

Thank you.

Thank you, ladies. Thank you.

(inmates shouting)

(Jeff) My turn.

Here you go.

A lot of air balls here.

At least something's free around here.

Look at the white guys just not even participating.

They don't even want to play.

This basketball's got more lumps

than your mama's ass right here.

(laughing) Man.

Oh, shit! Oh!

Is this normal, for the white guys and the black guys to hang

or is it just 'cause I'm here?

Ain't no racism in here, man.

Everybody love everybody.

I love Africans, Asians.

We still the same, we all made the same.

We all gotta do the time, so there ain't no point

in hating each other doing it.

That's a good point.

Right here, right here.

"Brazos," that's an old Indian word,

it means "My lawyer sucks."

(laughter)

(guitar playing)

I feel connected to you guys in ways I never thought I would.

I'm a big believer in second chances.

(man) Amen, man.

Bill Gates, when he was a teenager,

he got arrested for driving without a license,

went to jail for a couple days, came out,

went in his garage, invented the computer.

Now he's the richest man in the world.

So my advice to you guys, when you get out of jail...

rob Bill Gates.

(laughter and applause)

Whoo!

You know who Nelson Mandela is?

Nazis, you know who Nelson Mandela is?

He was a great black man, so go fuck yourselves.

Nelson Mandela was in prison for 27 years,

and he used that time not to go crazy.

He used that time to completely change who he was.

He became Morgan Freeman, the greatest actor of our time.

I wrote a song for you guys.

(guitar continues)

(whooping and cheering)

(whistling)

Come on, black guys, help me keep the beat.

* The food in here stinks

* The two-tone turkey made me ralph *

(inmates) Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

* I had to toss a salad just to get that taste out my mouth *

* Stuck in Brazos County

* Where the food just sucks *

(man) Yeah!

Hey, but listen, dude.

* That's what you deserve *

* When you rob a taco truck

(guitar continues)

Let me see that haircut.

He's got the little thing on the back there.

Dude, what is that shit?

Can I see the back of that for a second?

No, I thought a squirrel ran by, I was like, "What the fuck?"

(laughter)

Dude, you got the beard on backwards.

* This guy, he don't like me

* He's in here for manslaughter *

* I hope he don't figure out I finger-banged his daughter *

* Stuck in Brazos County

* With you bunch of thugs *

Yeah!

* And those guys up in the balcony *

* With the swastika tattoos

* Look like they could use a hug *

(guitar continues)

* Thank you, Brazos County

* My time here today has been intense *

Yeah. (Man) Yeah!

* And I'll see y'all again on the outside *

* Soon as y'all hop that fence *

(cheers and applause)

Good night, everybody.

Thank you.

(cheering continues)

Thank you.

Thank you.

(cheers and applause)

Thank you.

Cheers.

(man) Cheers.

Oh, my God. Mmm.

That tastes better than freedom.

(laughter)

You got me.

(laughter continues)

All right!

(Jeff) Enough with the bread already.

Forty, you've been around. What's the story?

Any words of wisdom you want to pass on

to the younger people that are here?

Stay in school. Don't be a fool.

(laughter and applause)