Original subtitles

MELIANDE PRODUCTIONS presents

FUCK FUCK BRAZILIAN STYLE

Screenplay by: I. WILL IMPROVIZE

Cinematography

Production Manager

Editing

Music by

Make-up

Production Assistants

Assistant Director

Electricians

Sound Technicians: Those Lazy Bastards at Szankovski's

Executive Producer

Producers: ?

Directed by J. A. Nunes

Hi! I am Siri. ( siri = crab )

I cannot speak, but even so I was asked to tell you my story.

Since my voice is telephatic, and I have total control over it,

I have chosen this beautiful voice that you are now listening.

Well, let�s get to the point.

Long as I remember, I�ve been a dwarf.

Left home when I was a kid, and went to work for Mr. Julio and Mrs. Lia.

For them, I was like part of the family.

Come here, Siri, I'm gonna teach you how to swim.

Come here, boy! That's it!

That's right... Move your hands and feet... There's no secret!

See? It's easy! Just keep moving.

Your hands, your feet... It's easy, isn't it?

Yeah, that's it...

- Honey... Your juice... - Oh, thanks!

- Goodbye, honey. - Goodbye, love.

Take good care of her, OK, big boy?

Mr. Julio left early every single day.

and I took care of the house and of Mrs. Lia.

There was even time for some leisure.

Oh... Come here, my hero...

My hero... Oh, my great little hero...

My hero...

My little big hero...

Oh, no! Again?

Even with your helmet on?

- Hi... - Hi, baby... You're home...

- I brought you a gift. - Aw, thanks, you're so nice...

- And one for you too, Siri. "Every friday, he brought us gifts."

"For Mrs. Lia it was always perfumes, jewels, expensive stuff."

"But for me..."

We had an old friend of the family coming home for dinner.

I knew I was gonna have a lot of work.

Siri...

Go to the kitchen and bring me some butter!

Ah! Rub it on Claudinha's bunghole.

She ain't no Maria Schneider, but I'm gonna fuck her ass.

Listen, you ain't no Marlon Brando either, you know?

Gimme... You can go and rest now.

Turn around!

Baby... By the viscosity, it feels like this is margarine...

Well, it is margarine indeed. We are not in Paris, this is Brazil.

My butt only accepts butter!

A man has got to fuck what a man has got to fuck...

Come here, baby!! Don't run away!!

Come back here, Siri! Come back!!

Open this door, Siri!! Open the door!!

Come on, hurry up!

Come on Siri, I promess I won't hurt you...

I'll put some butter on it!

Come on my little Siri, open this door!

Come on, open the door, or I'll break it down!

Open that fuckin' door!!

Why, you little... Piece of shit...

I drink, I do... But I'm surviving...

Some people never drink and end up dying! I drink, I drink

I drink, I do... But I'm surviving...

Some people never drink and end up dying...

Some people are already stepping in their grave...

One for the saint and... Ouch! Oops!

Shit... What the fuck!

One grave here... Well... Let me see...

I'm gonna pee right here!

Let me get my stuff out... Here we go...

Oh, yeah... That's what I'm talking about...

What a delicious relief...

Some people already have their feet on their grave...

Hey, what the fuck!?!?

Calm down, boy, what the fuck do you want with me!?

Hey, my umbrella! Give it back to me!

Help! I'm being robbed! My umbrella!

Hey! Come here! Gimme me back my umbrella!

You fucking thief! Come here!

Sunnuvabitch!!

I told you, he is not here! Yeah! He is working at the island!

Carlinhos and Marinho took 6 bitches to their apartment.

Doing what? Are you sure you don't know?

Yo, voodoo chicken, where the fuck are you going?

You little shit...

I'm out of here.

Now I know why Mr. Julio gave me all those dildos!

Motherfucker was trying to fuck my bungholio!

But he won't. I'm going far away from here.

He will never see me again. WTF!?

I ain't no fag, Mr. Julio. I am really macho!

Old Siri's ass was made for exit only.

No entrance allowed!

WE RENT ROOMS FOR BOYS OF ALL AGES AND SIZES

(portuguese music with a gay accent)

Ouch! Fuck me, Jesus!

What do you want, little one?

We do have rooms. Do you have money?

Oh, Amanda! Amanda!

Yes, Manuel?

Set up a room for the boy here.

Take the money first, eh?

Look, Smokey! Your new room mate!

Great, partner! Great!

That is your bed.

Check it out, bro. I am the boss around here, OK?

So don't fuck around with the dago bitch, huh?

Don't you mess around with her, understand?

One more thing: do you snore?

Fart?

Cause if you snore...

And if you fart, I'll stick a cigar up your ass!

(this is that song from the intro of Paul's Boutique)

Come!

Where is the dwarf?

Motherfucker fell asleep!

Listen here, boy... Hear me well...

This can go on like this! Just can't!

First month... no pay...

Two months! No pay!

Three months!!! You didn't pay me either!!

Six months!! Ah... You don't pay again!!

Out!! Ah... Get outta here!! Ah...

Well... I'll have to pack my shit.

Soon I would have the same destiny as Smokey.

My savings were just as small as I am.

It was over long ago.

And finding a job... You know, right?

What is left in the third world

for a black illiterate dwarf who can't talk and hates work?

Little one, we must have a serious conversation.

or else, my hubby is gonna get pissed off.

Did you get some money?

Well then... Let's see what else you have here.

After all, it's been 3 months since your last payment.

Let me see what you have in this fridge.

Oh no, mister dwarf! You can't run away!

Come here, come here.

Let's see what you have here!

So this it it, you little perv? And you didn't want to show?

Forget about the money, I will talk to Manuel...

Hear me? You perverted squid, I mean, you naughty Crab...

Oh, Amanda!

Fuck me Jesus, Manuel is here!

Get your dicks and hide, or else he will fuck us both!

Amanda!

Where the hell is that woman...

Amanda!

I am here, Manuel...

Fuck me Jesus, you better be exactly where you say...

Holy prick! I finally bought the cockroach spray pump...

I don't want them to eat Siri before that boy pays me!

Great idea...

I'm thinking of something...

Are you sure cockroach poison is harmless?

I guess not...

I don't know... The kid is so damn weak...

He's so wimpy...

I'll take care of you until you get better...

Hmm, my little Siri with a dozen dicks...

The real problem is this dummy's cough...

Without a sound, how can I understand how bad is...

your lung infection?

Ah, I see you are cured!

Take a leak and brush your teeth, then come have breakfast.

Holy fucking shit! Hah... You've hit your thumb real hard!

(portuguese music)

You must take care of that thumb.

I'v seen a lot of people lose their feet because of that.

Manuel, fry another steak. The kid prefers them soft.

Fuck me Jesus, shit...

I should be frying his balls, that's it...

Sweet B'jezuz!!

Shit! What the fuck is that!

"Once again I had to hit the road."

One way or another, I was guilty of the porkchop's death.

"I was afraid of the cops."

"I kinda liked mr. Manuel."

He was nice to me.

Poor thing. He died without ever biting the pen behind his ear.

Dad! Dad!

There's a dwarf with a hard-on at the bathroom you made!

- WHAT!? - Yeah, dad! Real hard!

I chopped the m.f.'s dick off!! Let's get the fuck outta here!!

You son of a bitch! I'm gonna rip your balls!

What the fuck are you thinking? You fucking faggot...

I don't grab no dick! WTF, you motherfucker!?

I'm fucking MACHO, you hear?

Shiiittttt...

Is the meanie gone?

Oh, I am so nervous! I want a popsicle...

Aw, don't be so rude, biatch!

Oh! Look! A cockroach!

Oh, wow! What a naughty little dwarf!

Come here, baby! I'm gonna take you home!

Hey, y'all. Check this out. My new little friend.

Solange, could you get him some food?

Dad! Dinner already?

Come here. Let's have some coffee.

WANDERING PORNO SHOP

- Good evening... - Hey!

What are you selling, shorty?

- Bianco, read it for me, I can't see a thing from here.

- "Wandering Porn Shop", you illiterate redneck.

And WTF is that? Turn around, dude.

And now, Bianco? What does it say?

I'd rather be a horse than an ass like you...

"Fine sexy articles, cheaper than an ass hole!"

Very nice, but the price is a little too much!

What now, Bianco?

"For men, women, fags, dykes, and all kinds of transgenders!"

Shiiiaaattt...

Well, me and Bianco here could use some action...

Maybe next time.

Broke again, you sucker?

See you later, shorty!

What a lovely little fish I just got!

If it was a little whiter, it could be a cod!

SUCKY SUCKY MASSAGES 'FOR MEN'

Oh, no, mr. dwarf! Stop wanking!

Finish off your shower, and wash your bunghole carefully.

Folks, this is Siri. From now on, he will be our bouncer.

This is the Tangueira. A fine girl, from the land of Gardel.

I wish she could sing the Fado...

�Hola! �Como te va, chiquitito?

You already know Smokey. He's still the same.

Now he's our manager!

Nice to see you again...

Well, and that is Slurpy. The name is self-explanatory.

That is Mr. Ambrosio, our associate.

He only takes care of the bar.

But anyway he's our associate.

Good morning! Good evening!

Good night!

Yeah, I know you!

I know you... I remember you...

Well, now that we all know each other...

let's celebrate with some pusstrawberry ice cream!

Howdy, par'ner! Is this the home of Dr. Massage?

No?

Damn! My neck hurts real bad, you gotta help me!

- Howdy doody! - Buenas!

I'd like to see the masseur!

Make your choice!

- Choose what? - One of the three!

But are you all doctors?

Better than that. We are all masseuses.

Then I want this doctor here!

Come in!

Take off your clothes. Lay down here.

Well! You didn't take your clothes off?

Do I really have to do it? My pain is on the neck!

Sure, darling. But take the time to do a full body massage.

Tell me, are you liking it?

So far, so good... So far, so good!

Bye, honey! *kiss* Come back often!

Best damn massage I ever had, mrs.! The best!

(the boy... the boy...)

"Spaceship" Take one!

And so there was this spaceship from Uranus. It came to

learn from me, "the chosen one", everything about sex & fucking!

The SFX dept. screwed up, but now we're gonna make it.

Fucked up once again. But the problem was solved.

Now the ship will land one way or another!

The ship is F.U.B.A.R. Burned to ashes.

You know how brazilian cinema is.

If it's not shit, it fucks. But if it's shit, it's fucked.

But the producers figured it out. And on the next day...

the ship was talking to me, telepathically!

Absorbing information about our world...

Penis = Dick, Prick, Rod, Wang, Cock, Schlong, Dong, Dork, etc.

Masturbation... Equals to... Wanking...

What is "wanking"?

Well, wanking... I cannot explain!

I will have to show you.

Relax, it's just some mosquitoes... This spray will get rid of them...

What? No, we're not doing any product placement...

This isn't a Rede Globo soap opera.

OK, I'll scratch you.

Alright, I'll scratch the cabin now.

Is this the place?

The itch is getting worse?

Be cool. I'll keep scratching.

Get off, spear chucker!

I'm pretty sure I know you from somewhere!

I got my eye on you!

Let's go...

Hey, Amanda! This girl just arrive from the country side.

She will work here with us.

Smokey!

Yes, my liege?

- Get the girl a room and fix her, get her ready for work. - OK!

Now you will have a hands-on lesson.

What do you want?

Didn't Amanda tell me to fix you ready for work?

Well. Here I am.

This is a "blow job". A "rusty trombone".

Very good. Keep it up, you're doing well for the first class.

This? Well... This is "eating pussy". It's a "muff dive".

Now this is an "analingus". A.k.a. "tossed salad".

This is "fucking"! "Screwing"! "Banging"! "Humping"! "Boning"!

No, it isn't all at the same time. They are all synonymical.

I know it's complicated. That's why I prefer wanking!

It is more hygienic!

Holy fucking shit!

Shorty, you didn't grow either to the top or to the bottom...

But to the front... you grew way too long!

What the fuck is that shit!?

Well, that's my story.

The ship learnt everything about sex, and went back to Uranus.

In retribution, they gave me 100,000 L of space sperm.

which I sell in these little bottles.

I sell them (in dollars) to people who suffer from sexual problems.

It is the best aphrodisiac there is!

With this, even corpses can have sex!

And me, I have always been broke. But now I'm doing real good!

Ahh! Great gang bang! Great gang bang!

I wanna get into this gang bang too!!

I wanna get in, yeahhh...

Yeahh!! Check it out!! I'm going in!!

I some of that shit!!

I'm going to a gang bang! Get out of my way! Here I come!

Yo! Give me some space! Give me a slot, I want a hole!

Go fuck yourselves! Fuckers!

I wanna get inside the gang bang! Shit! WTF?

Oh! I forgot something. Do you see all those plants around the toilet?

It's because I only shit when I'm behind the bushes.

THE END (subtitles by: Danelectro)