Original subtitles

Dear spirits, if you're listening,

my name is Esther, and before we get started,

"I do want to let you know, I am 5'1" and a size extra-small,

in case you left behind any cute clothes

you want to point me in the direction of.

Oh, also, apologies, dear souls, for I have lost

the official Ouija widget, but I have here the shoe

from your sister game, Monopoly, which was made in the same manufacturer,

so, fingers crossed, we're good.

[BENJI USING A GHOSTLY VOICE] Esther...

Esther, get your unwashed hair away from those candles

before you start a grease fire!

Benjamin, we talked about this.

Spirits don't sound like that. (HIGH VOICE) It's up here!

They're higher!

I've got a showing in 15 minutes. You gotta wrap up this séance.

I can't. Oh, please don't.

Please. I'm so close to pinning down Elma.

I have no idea what time zone the afterlife is in,

but it is not Pacific Standard.

Well, when you make contact,

be sure to thank her for getting brutally murdered here

and making this house completely unsellable.

Well, I won't lead with that.

Also, let her know that ghosts aren't real, so she doesn't exist.

Ooh. Benji, don't say the "g" -word, OK?

The P. C. Term is "phantasma."

Is there a ghost here? Ghosts! Ghosts, are you here?

Ghosts, throw something at me!

It's not me, it's him. I'm good.

She just wants free clothes out of you.

Just if they're there. I don't want them to go to waste. Nobody does.

- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com -

Right this way.

Obviously, this is the very retro-chic kitchen.

Ooh, I love this stove!

The color is called "aqua." It has lead in the paint,

and that's why it really pops.

Well, we just love this place,

so what are the next steps?

Oh, yeah, great, well, we just open up escrow,

get some inspectors in here, I fulfill my legal obligation

to you guys to let you know

that an unsolved homicide occurred here,

and then, um, we just sign some papers,

and before you know it, you guys are making marinara

in the home of your dreams.

Please buy this house. Please.

I mean, if you think of all human history,

someone's been murdered pretty much everywhere.

But you guys have to have a house

where no one's been murdered.

You know what, try a house on the Moon.

- [ENGINE STARS] - Elon Musk yourself up there.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[BENJI] I'm gonna be stuck here forever.

Dean's gonna have me here from ten to six every day,

nine to seven on weekends, for the rest of my life.

Does this mean you're cool if I eat the courtesy cookies?

You're not even sympathizing. You just want cookies.

That's real estate. You give away free cookies and waters.

That's, like, the whole job. You're doing the job!

I... I think I'm just gonna curl up in a ball and take a nap.

I read this thing that said that's the best thing to do in prison.

Oh. I read the best thing to do in prison

is make a shiv out of a popsicle stick.

I feel like you didn't click on the link

and you just read the headline.

[ESTHER] And this here is known as a "kitchen island."

I didn't know what they were

until I went to a rich kid's house, but there you have one.

Oh, my God. I love the floors. They are so kitschy.

I like to say this house has "resting kitsch face."

- [ALL CHUCKLE] - Hello.

Oh, and this is my associate, Benji.

Uh, I was just showing Pilar and her husband here

the intricacies of this house.

I love the imperfections on these countertops.

Oh, yeah, they add character.

And if you look closely, you can see where a dead woman's tooth

maybe scraped against it. It's just a theory I have, and there's...

Do you mind if I borrow her for a sec for a little, quick realtor chat?

- Go ahead. - [BENJI] Thank you.

Esther, right this way.

(WHISPERS) What are you doing? Stop. Bringing. Up. The murder.

Benji, do you know a thing about sales?

Exploit your flaws, find what makes you you,

and lean into it!

For this house, it's phffft... murder!

Guess they... they're into it, sort of, right?

- Yeah. - [PILAR] Esther,

do you know where the body was actually found?

Yes, I do. Great question.

So her hands were covered in blood. And she...

dragged them all the way down the hallway

into this very living room, and then...

blood print, blood print, blood print!

Aah! She fell right here, and she died.

Why is why we just got brand new Berber carpeting

with Scotchgard stain repellent.

I could have my period right now. No one would know.

Nothing would absorb.

[PILAR] This place is amazing.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

So, uh, how do you guys want to go about making an offer?

Are you working with an agent, or...?

No. Oh, God, no. We do not want to live here.

Can we take some more selfies

where the body was actually found?

Just 'cause my followers are gonna be obsessed with it.

I knew you guys were too hipster-y to be able to afford a home.

Do you wanna add me on Insta?

- Um... - That's a "no."

You see how long that "um" took?

[BENJI] Dean's gonna kill me.

Benji. Did you know that Elma's stuff is still in the attic?

I mean, this thing is heavy and could 100% be a murder weapon.

Esther, a team of detectives went through this place

with gloves and forensic brooms.

Do you really think the girl with sticky jelly hands

is gonna crack the case?

Don't underestimate a fresh perspective, OK?

Flamin' Hot Cheetos were invented by a janitor.

Sounds like urban myth.

Is this the house where the lady got murdered?

Yeah. What do you want?

We saw it on Instagram. How much is the tour?

Um, $30 a... a person.

But we have a group discount, how many?

Um, there's six of us.

Perfect. Hopefully, there won't be five

by the time we're done. Phffft! [HISSES]

Eighty, 100, 120, 140...

We made $160 on accident!

- Off one show! - Imagine if we tried.

That's really impressive. If we just did

a couple shows a day, six times a week,

we'll have enough money to pay rent on that place.

And then you won't have to sell it.

And I will have the job I never knew

I always dreamed of. Forensic performance artist.

- Well, we need a marketing plan. - OK.

Um, my MySpace pull has kind of dwindled, as you know.

- I would think. - But I can make fliers!

Great. You handle marketing. I'll handle casting, costumes,

lighting design, set design. I mean, I know we don't wanna overdo it,

but we also don't want to underdo it.

I don't think we've ever been this excited about something together.

[BOTH] Except for "Babe, Pig in the City."

- What a movie. - I know.

Look, dude, literally everyone that gets on this bus

has an idea for a death I should put on my tour.

I just got pitched a spooky dog that OD'd on grapes.

I get that. And that's why I'm goin' to you and not Tinseltown Murder Mobile.

Oh, that hack! He's still goin' to the Viper Room.

River Phoenix died in '93. That stone has been bled dry.

Dude, this house is so scary. Every time I turn a corner,

I'm expecting Jack Nicholson with an axe.

The woman who used to live there got bludgeoned to death.

- Is there parking? - So much parking.

Is there a ramp? Law says I gotta have a ramp.

15 bucks and a trip to a hardware store, I'll build a ramp so smooth,

colostomy bags won't even jiggle.

Tell me about the lady. Is she a soap star,

porn star, child star? All three?

She's way cooler than that. She's a part-time librarian...

She's not even famous? Look...

This is a "Hollywood Death Tour," OK?

If I wanted to see a regular person die,

I would just ride the Metrolink. Thank you!

[RICK SINGING] All right, let's do this!

Hey, are you guys interested in a pop-up murder experience?

Hey! Get away from my customers!

Murder house tour, tonight at 8:00!

There's no seat belts in that death van, I checked!

Get out!

[CHUCKLES]

- Hey, Esther. - Hey, Jeff.

Listen, I was thinking that my entrance

would have a bigger impact

if I jumped out of the closet and scared people.

OK, that's very haunted house vibes,

and we're trying to recreate history.

This is supposed to be authentic?

You got me dressed up as some old white lady's trashy older brother.

- I look like I drive a fan boat to work. - Wha... Is that bad?

Esther, I just don't think Elma would wear this to bed.

I mean, she had a lover.

Tara, you just have to understand

that nightgowns are very sexy to Elma's generation.

You've got bare ankles showing.

Bare ankles are the side boob of the '50s.

Also, if Jeff's gonna jump out of a closet, can I wear these?

[HISSES]

No. I love the effort,

but it's just not what we're going for.

Hi, folks! Uh, I'm Mark. I'm playing Elma's lover, Ron.

He's my lover?

- Maybe she would wear this. - See?

So excited about this opportunity.

Um, listen, I don't want to cause any trouble,

but could I... could I get my wife a comp?

There's no comps! And if that's a problem,

I will send you right back to where I found you

in Craigslist casting. Understood?

- Understood. Not a problem. - Great.

Guys, I'm sorry if I'm a little worked up,

but a woman died here. And we owe it to her memory to get this right.

I didn't spend 15 hours at the Burbank public library

going through microfiche for nothing.

Isn't all that stuff digitized?

Yes, they informed me of that at hour 16.

Oof. What library is open for 16 hours?

I thought your "jump out" idea was strong.

Well, I thought that your vampire teeth were very sexy.

[CLEARS THROAT] If I may.

You may.

- You may all day. - [BOTH LAUGH]

- Ooh. - [TARA CHUCKLES]

So, where you guys from?

- [CREEPY MUSIC PLAYING] - [ESTHER] Benji, this is a packed house.

How did you find all these people?

I just fliered where creepy people hang out.

You know, I started at the Spencer Gifts,

but you know where the creepiest people were? The seafood buffet!

I mean, I wouldn't feel safe alone with any of them.

They're perfect!

Hey, Esther, uh, there's something you need to see by the pantry.

[ESTHER] Oh, is it the blood spatter?

(LOUDLY) Right this way, Esther!

[JEFF EXCLAIMS] Ah! Ah! What the hell?

[TARA] Wha...?

Jeff, are you OK?

Yeah, I was gonna do, like, a scary, "jump out" thing,

but this door wouldn't open.

I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. You're welcome.

- [TARA] What happened? - Somethin' fell on me.

[GROANS] What is this?

Whoa! This could've killed you!

That's a big jar o' honey! Oh, it's got a honeycomb in it.

That means it's fancy. I read a pamphlet about this stuff.

I'm paraphrasing, but it's made from super slutty bees.

What does that mean?

Jeffrey, this is what happens when you disrespect Elma.

Elma, girl, I'm sorry, and it won't happen again.

All right, a ghost threw honey at me,

and now I'm bleeding, so... I'm out.

Jeff, I'm sorry. Did you sign a waiver?

You know I didn't.

So, Benji...

Congratulations. You're our new Elma's brother.

Trick handshake!

And now, the culmination of that horrible night,

where Elma took her... [GASPS]... final breath.

Before you decide who the killer was,

we will hear from each of the suspects,

starting with me, Lauren Van Vleet,

Elma's mysterious - yet, mysteriously beautiful - neighbor.

I was a movie star until pictures started talking!

Then, the roles dried up, and I had nothing to do all day

but sit at home and listen to that damn Elma's dog

- barking, yip-yip-yap all day. - [RECORDING OF DOG BARKING]

Was it enough to drive me to murder?

Did I kill Elma with this bronze schnauzer

pseudo-antique from Pottery Barn?

[GASPS] I thought you came for a cup of sugar!

Not a cup of... murder!

Oh!

[ESTHER] Ha ha ha ha ha!

Or was it me, Mark?

I mean, Ron. Elma's lover. Slash accountant.

A little bit of wine, a little bit of sex.

A little bit of... murder?!

Ron, you were always a lover of numbers,

but this just doesn't add up!

- [MARK GRUNTS] - Aah!

(SOUTHERN ACCENT) I didn't go no money when our daddy died.

She got it all! She didn't care none

that I was eatin' cans o' tuna

while she was up here in this castle.

(WHISPERS) Why are you doing that accent?

- (WHISPERS) Making a choice! - (SOUTHERN) Maybe I killed her

with this here fancy ashtray!

[GASPS] But you gave me that for my birthday!

Not my death day!

- Aah! - Yeehoo!

[THUNDER]

My blood is on someone's hands. But whose?

My soul can't rest! Aah...

[MOANS MELODICALLY]

What?

[MOANING CONTINUES]

[ESTHER] Thank you. Thank you so much.

I can't help but think Elma would've loved that show.

Oh, yeah. Except for the part

where she got bludgeoned to death.

I can't believe we pulled it off. Pretty soon, instead of

sitting around here all day doing nothin',

I'm gonna be home, sitting around all day doing nothin'.

But you'll still come play the part, right?

I'm good. I don't need it.

You got a standing ovation.

Well, there weren't that many, like, seats available, so...

Tara, can you excuse us?

I don't want you to give him a false sense of confidence.

We'll do notes in five.

OK.

She's taking the pizza?

You were so good in this role that I think Elma may have died

just so you could play her brother in my show.

Thank you, yeah. I got really wrapped up in the character, and...

Hi. You guys both did a great job of bringing home

that somebody died right here in this house.

It's a terrible thing. I'd like to buy it.

It is not for sale. I'm so sorry. Right, Benji?

Esther, everything's for sale. Especially this house!

- Sold, sir! - What? No!

Are you working with an agent?

Benjamin Leonard. You cannot sell this house.

Did you just call me "Benjamin Leonard"?

Isn't that your middle name?

No, you're just assuming my name is "Leonard"?

- I mean, look at you. - OK, "Esther Leonard."

Don't give up on yourself.

Imagine if the surfer girl had quit after the shark bit her arm off.

Who would have spoken at my high school assembly?

Who would have inspired me to achieve such greatness

as a murder house tour?

Bet on yourself, Benjamin.

I'm not betting on myself, OK?

I'm not the horse you bet on.

I'm the horse you make glue out of.

Then bet on me, 'cause I'm smart.

And this is my best idea since I started wearing

Cinemark polo shirts to get into movies for free.

And that's free popcorn, too.

That was the greatest Goodwill find ever, but...

Thank you.

I'm sorry. I work for my brother.

This is his house. It's gotta go.

[BENJI] So, James, the pipes are in great shape.

The wiring is all up to code. We're gonna get that railing fixed.

Oh, and of course, we're gonna get this fake blood cleaned up.

No need to touch anything. I like it just as it is.

I wonder how long it would take to crawl across this room.

You're a fun guy, James. Very spry.

Well, Benji, we created something amazing,

and now it's gone forever.

I guess I can reuse the fake blood

to decorate Christmas cupcakes in a few months.

What am I supposed to do? You think I'm gonna find another buyer, man?

Look at that guy.

They say a house chooses you.

I've never heard that.

Do you know if these floors are sloped or flat?

Would blood pool or run?

Can I see a copy of the survey report?

Uh, yeah, of course, dude. I got one right here.

OK.

I thought I had it. Um...

I can just run to my office and print up another one.

Feel free to hang out.

Don't turn Esther into a jacket, I'll be right back!

No problem. I'll stay here and test out how scream-proof the walls are.

- Cool. - [ESTHER] I guess I'll keep him company.

and say goodbye to Elma's spirit for one last time.

Thank you. Yeah, if he gets bored,

maybe grab some of those doll heads out of the basement.

Let him pet their hair, or...

- You got it. - See ya!

James, I thought maybe I could just sit down with you

and give you a little presentation

on some of the commercial possibilities for this property.

That's the survey report right there.

Oh! How did Benji's papers get mixed in with my prospectus?

Here we are, in a house of mystery.

Mm-hmm.

So, as you can see, this isn't just real estate.

This is a multi-platform franchise opportunity.

With products. Like this murder mallet.

This Elma bobblehead that bleeds realistic blood.

We're waiting on approval from her estate, but we think we'll get it.

Fascinating.

But, you know, I must confess. I'm not here to buy this house.

Let's just say I'm a lot closer

to this murder than you'd imagine.

I'm sorry, do you have diplomatic immunity?

Can you just block a driveway?

OK, tone it down, Willow.

You can't just park wherever you want.

There's rules. Of driving and parking.

Hey. It's OK.

I'm here to talk about a partnership, OK?

I need you. Uh... Your little house

has been gettin' a lot of buzz.

Oh, that's great. We've been working real hard on it,

but unfortunately, we gotta end our murder business. I gotta sell the house.

What? You don't just end a murder business.

I want you on this tour.

I'm gonna bring three busloads of people a day,

they're gonna be buying stuff.

I hear the guy playin' the brother is outstanding.

Are you tryin' to butter me up right now?

- You know I play the brother, right? - I am.

- [LAUGHS] - I'm just good with characters.

I went to international summer camp, so dialects just flow out of me.

- That's all they're talkin' about, is you. - [ESTHER SCREAMS]

Get away from her!

[GRUNTS]

- What are you doing? - Saving you.

We're in the middle of a reenactment,

and now we have to start over.

- [GRUNTS] - James, back to one.

Wow. This is a good murder house!

Shoe thing was a little over the top, but we can workshop that.

This is my life's work. I'm Esther.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So, you're a journalist?

Yeah, sorry I had to string you along,

but I needed to get in the house to test out my theories.

But I'm never gonna publish this book anyway,

because it doesn't add up.

I can't even find the murder weapon.

Well, the mallet

or the bronze schnauzer statue, that's my theory.

No, the angle's all wrong. See, there's nothing in this house

that matches her injuries.

And frankly, killing somebody with a calculator

felt like the weakest part of your show.

And it's the weakest part of your merchandising plan.

Guys, I'm a new business, OK?

Knock knock. Hey. I'm just here to take some pictures.

My uncle, he's a personal injury lawyer, and he told me to.

You'll be served with papers soon.

Jeffrey! My uncle is an alcoholic, and I haven't seen him in two years.

How dare you say the word "uncle"?

Look, I'm sorry you're hurt, Jeff, but I don't have any money.

And I gave you stage credit!

Yeah, but if I hadn't been in your little crazy show,

then a jar of old lady honey wouldn't have fallen and hit me on the head.

W-what jar of honey?

Oh, there's this jar of honey with a human heart in it.

- What? - I'm just kidding.

I know you're into weird stuff. It's just got a honeycomb in it.

I don't remember reading about a jar of honey in the police reports.

Oh, they probably missed it.

It was on a really high shelf in the pantry.

High shelf in the pantry. Wait a minute!

OK, Esther, you're Elma, fixing a late night cup of tea.

"I have an itch only chamomile can scratch."

You head to the pantry, where you keep a large jar of honey.

Seriously, this is why bee colonies are failing. That's a lotta honey.

But your lust for the sweet things in life was your undoing.

As you fumble for the honey, it falls, hitting you on the head.

- Bang! - Aah!

Stunned and confused,

Elma puts the jar back on the shelf.

The police don't notice it. It's never seen again,

- until it hits your friend on the head. -Uh!

Elma doesn't know it yet, but she's already dead.

And then, the schnauzer.

No.

Bleeding everywhere, Elma wanders,

disoriented, into the living room.

She heads towards the TV to stream season two of "True Detective."

But mercifully, she dies.

Ooh!

So you're saying the killer was a late-night sweet craving?

I'm saying, this was a random accident.

There goes my book. I'll be lucky to get a blog post outta this.

Whoa, whoa, hold up. There was no murder?

Hey, I'm out. That's a damn shame.

This was gonna bump Fatty Arbuckle from my tour.

Parking by his place is a bitch! Peace.

This isn't a murder house. This is just a regular death house.

I can sell that tomorrow!

Dean is going to fist-bump me repeatedly.

Well... can I name your blog post?

- Sure, what do you got? - "Murder, She Wasn't."

No. It's not very good.

OK.

Esther, you're credited as an "amateur murder enthusiast."

- What? Amateur? -I'd say that pretty much sums it up.

I am certainly not an amateur. I was paid $500 for my work.

Well, I made $200 if you factor in

the party store's fascist return policy for used fog machines.

Guys, I can't lie. I'm feelin' a little woozy.

Benj, could you help me to your room, so I could lay down for a second?

- Yeah, sure, bud. - [JEFF] Whoo!

We make good crutches, 'cause we're more or less

- the same height. You like that? - Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'm a better crutch, 'cause my shoulder's a little softer.

- I retain water there. - They're very delicate.

Pride's a tricky thing for you. The things you brag about and don't...

[SCREAMS]

[LAUGHS] I told you it was scary!

- No, it wasn't. - [JEFF] Nice work.

I feel like I should pursue horror.

- Yeah! - I felt really good

about my performance.

It's a good niche.

I'm gonna go home.

- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com -

That means she pissed herself. Are you guys happy? I wasn't scared.

I can handle it, but you know she can't.

Really disappointed.