All language subtitles for Alone Together - 02x04 - Murder House.TBS.English.HI.C.orig.Addic7ed.com
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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,195 --> 00:00:02,536
Dear spirits, if you're listening,
2
00:00:02,547 --> 00:00:04,715
my name is Esther,
and before we get started,
3
00:00:04,716 --> 00:00:08,678
"I do want to let you know, I
am 5'1" and a size extra-small,
4
00:00:08,679 --> 00:00:10,304
in case you left behind any cute clothes
5
00:00:10,305 --> 00:00:12,098
you want to point me
in the direction of.
6
00:00:12,099 --> 00:00:15,142
Oh, also, apologies,
dear souls, for I have lost
7
00:00:15,143 --> 00:00:18,854
the official Ouija widget,
but I have here the shoe
8
00:00:18,855 --> 00:00:22,483
from your sister game, Monopoly, which
was made in the same manufacturer,
9
00:00:22,484 --> 00:00:25,945
so, fingers crossed, we're good.
10
00:00:25,946 --> 00:00:27,988
[BENJI USING A GHOSTLY VOICE] Esther...
11
00:00:27,989 --> 00:00:31,409
Esther, get your unwashed hair
away from those candles
12
00:00:31,410 --> 00:00:32,910
before you start a grease fire!
13
00:00:32,911 --> 00:00:35,079
Benjamin, we talked about this.
14
00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:38,582
Spirits don't sound like that.
(HIGH VOICE) It's up here!
15
00:00:38,583 --> 00:00:39,917
They're higher!
16
00:00:39,918 --> 00:00:42,670
I've got a showing in 15 minutes.
You gotta wrap up this séance.
17
00:00:42,671 --> 00:00:44,338
I can't. Oh, please don't.
18
00:00:44,339 --> 00:00:47,341
Please. I'm so close
to pinning down Elma.
19
00:00:47,342 --> 00:00:49,927
I have no idea what time zone
the afterlife is in,
20
00:00:49,928 --> 00:00:51,887
but it is not Pacific Standard.
21
00:00:51,888 --> 00:00:53,639
Well, when you make contact,
22
00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:55,141
be sure to thank her for getting
brutally murdered here
23
00:00:55,142 --> 00:00:57,498
and making this house
completely unsellable.
24
00:00:57,509 --> 00:00:59,009
Well, I won't lead with that.
25
00:00:59,010 --> 00:01:01,970
Also, let her know that ghosts
aren't real, so she doesn't exist.
26
00:01:01,971 --> 00:01:04,348
Ooh. Benji, don't say the "g" -word, OK?
27
00:01:04,349 --> 00:01:06,350
The P. C. Term is "phantasma."
28
00:01:06,351 --> 00:01:09,353
Is there a ghost here?
Ghosts! Ghosts, are you here?
29
00:01:09,354 --> 00:01:10,813
Ghosts, throw something at me!
30
00:01:10,814 --> 00:01:12,731
It's not me, it's him. I'm good.
31
00:01:12,732 --> 00:01:14,666
She just wants free clothes out of you.
32
00:01:14,677 --> 00:01:17,648
Just if they're there. I don't want
them to go to waste. Nobody does.
33
00:01:18,511 --> 00:01:21,526
- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
34
00:01:22,701 --> 00:01:24,618
Right this way.
35
00:01:24,619 --> 00:01:27,329
Obviously, this is the very
retro-chic kitchen.
36
00:01:27,330 --> 00:01:29,832
Ooh, I love this stove!
37
00:01:29,833 --> 00:01:32,626
The color is called "aqua."
It has lead in the paint,
38
00:01:32,627 --> 00:01:33,877
and that's why it really pops.
39
00:01:33,878 --> 00:01:35,379
Well, we just love this place,
40
00:01:35,380 --> 00:01:37,047
so what are the next steps?
41
00:01:37,048 --> 00:01:38,998
Oh, yeah, great, well,
we just open up escrow,
42
00:01:39,009 --> 00:01:41,427
get some inspectors in here,
I fulfill my legal obligation
43
00:01:41,428 --> 00:01:42,970
to you guys to let you know
44
00:01:42,971 --> 00:01:44,689
that an unsolved homicide occurred here,
45
00:01:44,700 --> 00:01:46,908
and then, um, we just sign some papers,
46
00:01:46,926 --> 00:01:48,990
and before you know it,
you guys are making marinara
47
00:01:49,001 --> 00:01:50,085
in the home of your dreams.
48
00:01:51,438 --> 00:01:53,897
Please buy this house. Please.
49
00:01:53,898 --> 00:01:55,649
I mean, if you think
of all human history,
50
00:01:55,650 --> 00:01:57,693
someone's been murdered
pretty much everywhere.
51
00:01:57,694 --> 00:02:00,112
But you guys have to have a house
52
00:02:00,113 --> 00:02:01,794
where no one's been murdered.
53
00:02:01,805 --> 00:02:03,449
You know what, try a house on the Moon.
54
00:02:03,450 --> 00:02:05,576
- [ENGINE STARS]
- Elon Musk yourself up there.
55
00:02:05,577 --> 00:02:06,636
[TIRES SQUEAL]
56
00:02:08,746 --> 00:02:10,456
[BENJI] I'm gonna be stuck here forever.
57
00:02:10,457 --> 00:02:12,740
Dean's gonna have me here
from ten to six every day,
58
00:02:12,751 --> 00:02:14,825
nine to seven on weekends,
for the rest of my life.
59
00:02:14,836 --> 00:02:17,153
Does this mean you're cool
if I eat the courtesy cookies?
60
00:02:17,164 --> 00:02:19,288
You're not even sympathizing.
You just want cookies.
61
00:02:19,299 --> 00:02:21,633
That's real estate. You give
away free cookies and waters.
62
00:02:21,634 --> 00:02:23,882
That's, like, the whole job.
You're doing the job!
63
00:02:23,893 --> 00:02:26,303
I... I think I'm just gonna curl
up in a ball and take a nap.
64
00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:28,808
I read this thing that said that's
the best thing to do in prison.
65
00:02:28,819 --> 00:02:30,434
Oh. I read the best thing
to do in prison
66
00:02:30,435 --> 00:02:32,770
is make a shiv out of a popsicle stick.
67
00:02:32,771 --> 00:02:34,521
I feel like you didn't click on the link
68
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:36,315
and you just read the headline.
69
00:02:36,316 --> 00:02:40,110
[ESTHER] And this here is known
as a "kitchen island."
70
00:02:40,111 --> 00:02:41,259
I didn't know what they were
71
00:02:41,270 --> 00:02:43,670
until I went to a rich kid's
house, but there you have one.
72
00:02:43,681 --> 00:02:46,992
Oh, my God. I love the floors.
They are so kitschy.
73
00:02:46,993 --> 00:02:49,620
I like to say this house
has "resting kitsch face."
74
00:02:49,621 --> 00:02:51,330
- [ALL CHUCKLE]
- Hello.
75
00:02:51,331 --> 00:02:53,540
Oh, and this is my associate, Benji.
76
00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:55,918
Uh, I was just showing Pilar
and her husband here
77
00:02:55,919 --> 00:02:57,711
the intricacies of this house.
78
00:02:57,712 --> 00:03:00,088
I love the imperfections
on these countertops.
79
00:03:00,089 --> 00:03:01,870
Oh, yeah, they add character.
80
00:03:01,881 --> 00:03:04,384
And if you look closely, you can
see where a dead woman's tooth
81
00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:07,053
maybe scraped against it. It's just
a theory I have, and there's...
82
00:03:07,064 --> 00:03:10,431
Do you mind if I borrow her for a sec
for a little, quick realtor chat?
83
00:03:10,442 --> 00:03:11,975
- Go ahead.
- [BENJI] Thank you.
84
00:03:11,976 --> 00:03:13,236
Esther, right this way.
85
00:03:13,247 --> 00:03:16,563
(WHISPERS) What are you doing?
Stop. Bringing. Up. The murder.
86
00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:19,233
Benji, do you know a thing about sales?
87
00:03:19,234 --> 00:03:21,568
Exploit your flaws,
find what makes you you,
88
00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:23,237
and lean into it!
89
00:03:23,238 --> 00:03:27,075
For this house, it's phffft... murder!
90
00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:30,327
Guess they... they're into it,
sort of, right?
91
00:03:30,328 --> 00:03:31,787
- Yeah.
- [PILAR] Esther,
92
00:03:31,788 --> 00:03:35,040
do you know where the body
was actually found?
93
00:03:35,041 --> 00:03:36,917
Yes, I do. Great question.
94
00:03:36,918 --> 00:03:40,546
So her hands were
covered in blood. And she...
95
00:03:40,547 --> 00:03:43,799
dragged them all the way
down the hallway
96
00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:46,552
into this very living room, and then...
97
00:03:46,553 --> 00:03:49,012
blood print, blood print, blood print!
98
00:03:49,013 --> 00:03:52,432
Aah! She fell right here, and she died.
99
00:03:52,433 --> 00:03:54,643
Why is why we just got
brand new Berber carpeting
100
00:03:54,644 --> 00:03:56,478
with Scotchgard stain repellent.
101
00:03:56,479 --> 00:03:58,564
I could have my period
right now. No one would know.
102
00:03:58,565 --> 00:03:59,566
Nothing would absorb.
103
00:04:01,526 --> 00:04:03,860
[PILAR] This place is amazing.
104
00:04:03,861 --> 00:04:05,320
[CAMERA CLICKS]
105
00:04:05,321 --> 00:04:07,739
So, uh, how do you guys
want to go about making an offer?
106
00:04:07,750 --> 00:04:09,403
Are you working with
an agent, or...?
107
00:04:09,414 --> 00:04:12,995
No. Oh, God, no.
We do not want to live here.
108
00:04:12,996 --> 00:04:14,324
Can we take some more selfies
109
00:04:14,335 --> 00:04:15,973
where the body was actually found?
110
00:04:15,984 --> 00:04:18,375
Just 'cause my followers
are gonna be obsessed with it.
111
00:04:18,376 --> 00:04:20,961
I knew you guys were too hipster-y
to be able to afford a home.
112
00:04:21,590 --> 00:04:24,342
Do you wanna add me on Insta?
113
00:04:24,353 --> 00:04:25,895
- Um...
- That's a "no."
114
00:04:25,906 --> 00:04:27,426
You see how long that "um" took?
115
00:04:27,427 --> 00:04:29,387
[BENJI] Dean's gonna kill me.
116
00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:34,474
Benji. Did you know that Elma's
stuff is still in the attic?
117
00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:37,998
I mean, this thing is heavy and
could 100% be a murder weapon.
118
00:04:38,009 --> 00:04:40,443
Esther, a team of detectives
went through this place
119
00:04:40,454 --> 00:04:42,045
with gloves and forensic brooms.
120
00:04:42,056 --> 00:04:44,420
Do you really think the girl
with sticky jelly hands
121
00:04:44,431 --> 00:04:45,577
is gonna crack the case?
122
00:04:45,588 --> 00:04:48,006
Don't underestimate
a fresh perspective, OK?
123
00:04:48,017 --> 00:04:50,352
Flamin' Hot Cheetos
were invented by a janitor.
124
00:04:50,363 --> 00:04:51,467
Sounds like urban myth.
125
00:04:51,478 --> 00:04:53,857
Is this the house
where the lady got murdered?
126
00:04:53,868 --> 00:04:55,006
Yeah. What do you want?
127
00:04:55,017 --> 00:04:57,863
We saw it on Instagram.
How much is the tour?
128
00:04:57,874 --> 00:04:59,889
Um, $30 a... a person.
129
00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:01,651
But we have a group discount, how many?
130
00:05:01,662 --> 00:05:03,545
Um, there's six of us.
131
00:05:03,546 --> 00:05:06,201
Perfect. Hopefully, there won't be five
132
00:05:06,212 --> 00:05:09,882
by the time we're done. Phffft! [HISSES]
133
00:05:13,556 --> 00:05:17,392
Eighty, 100, 120, 140...
134
00:05:17,393 --> 00:05:20,520
We made $160 on accident!
135
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:22,200
- Off one show!
- Imagine if we tried.
136
00:05:22,211 --> 00:05:23,982
That's really impressive. If we just did
137
00:05:23,983 --> 00:05:25,638
a couple shows a day, six times a week,
138
00:05:25,649 --> 00:05:27,694
we'll have enough money
to pay rent on that place.
139
00:05:27,695 --> 00:05:29,696
And then you won't have to sell it.
140
00:05:29,697 --> 00:05:31,198
And I will have the job I never knew
141
00:05:31,199 --> 00:05:34,493
I always dreamed of.
Forensic performance artist.
142
00:05:34,494 --> 00:05:36,620
- Well, we need a marketing plan.
- OK.
143
00:05:36,621 --> 00:05:39,581
Um, my MySpace pull has kind
of dwindled, as you know.
144
00:05:39,582 --> 00:05:41,291
- I would think.
- But I can make fliers!
145
00:05:41,292 --> 00:05:44,086
Great. You handle marketing.
I'll handle casting, costumes,
146
00:05:44,087 --> 00:05:47,381
lighting design, set design. I mean,
I know we don't wanna overdo it,
147
00:05:47,382 --> 00:05:49,299
but we also don't want to underdo it.
148
00:05:49,300 --> 00:05:52,019
I don't think we've ever been this
excited about something together.
149
00:05:52,994 --> 00:05:55,055
[BOTH] Except for
"Babe, Pig in the City."
150
00:05:55,056 --> 00:05:56,682
- What a movie.
- I know.
151
00:05:56,683 --> 00:05:59,851
Look, dude, literally everyone
that gets on this bus
152
00:05:59,852 --> 00:06:02,771
has an idea for a death
I should put on my tour.
153
00:06:02,772 --> 00:06:05,482
I just got pitched a spooky dog
that OD'd on grapes.
154
00:06:05,483 --> 00:06:08,777
I get that. And that's why I'm goin' to
you and not Tinseltown Murder Mobile.
155
00:06:08,778 --> 00:06:11,571
Oh, that hack! He's still
goin' to the Viper Room.
156
00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:15,158
River Phoenix died in '93.
That stone has been bled dry.
157
00:06:15,159 --> 00:06:17,703
Dude, this house is so scary.
Every time I turn a corner,
158
00:06:17,704 --> 00:06:19,746
I'm expecting Jack Nicholson
with an axe.
159
00:06:19,747 --> 00:06:23,376
The woman who used to live there
got bludgeoned to death.
160
00:06:24,127 --> 00:06:25,836
- Is there parking?
- So much parking.
161
00:06:25,847 --> 00:06:27,661
Is there a ramp?
Law says I gotta have a ramp.
162
00:06:27,672 --> 00:06:30,716
15 bucks and a trip to a hardware
store, I'll build a ramp so smooth,
163
00:06:30,717 --> 00:06:32,217
colostomy bags won't even jiggle.
164
00:06:32,218 --> 00:06:33,969
Tell me about the lady.
Is she a soap star,
165
00:06:33,970 --> 00:06:36,596
porn star, child star? All three?
166
00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:40,392
She's way cooler than that.
She's a part-time librarian...
167
00:06:40,393 --> 00:06:41,935
She's not even famous? Look...
168
00:06:41,936 --> 00:06:45,814
This is a "Hollywood Death Tour," OK?
169
00:06:45,815 --> 00:06:47,774
If I wanted to see a regular person die,
170
00:06:47,775 --> 00:06:50,611
I would just ride the Metrolink.
Thank you!
171
00:06:52,862 --> 00:06:54,807
[RICK SINGING]
All right, let's do this!
172
00:06:54,818 --> 00:06:57,409
Hey, are you guys interested
in a pop-up murder experience?
173
00:06:57,410 --> 00:06:59,068
Hey! Get away from my customers!
174
00:06:59,079 --> 00:07:00,544
Murder house tour, tonight at 8:00!
175
00:07:00,555 --> 00:07:02,706
There's no seat belts
in that death van, I checked!
176
00:07:02,707 --> 00:07:04,076
Get out!
177
00:07:04,584 --> 00:07:05,585
[CHUCKLES]
178
00:07:08,052 --> 00:07:09,745
- Hey, Esther.
- Hey, Jeff.
179
00:07:09,756 --> 00:07:11,590
Listen, I was thinking that my entrance
180
00:07:11,591 --> 00:07:12,685
would have a bigger impact
181
00:07:12,696 --> 00:07:14,593
if I jumped out of the closet
and scared people.
182
00:07:14,594 --> 00:07:16,845
OK, that's very haunted house vibes,
183
00:07:16,846 --> 00:07:19,222
and we're trying to recreate history.
184
00:07:19,223 --> 00:07:21,266
This is supposed to be authentic?
185
00:07:21,267 --> 00:07:24,479
You got me dressed up as some old
white lady's trashy older brother.
186
00:07:24,490 --> 00:07:27,355
- I look like I drive a fan boat to work.
- Wha... Is that bad?
187
00:07:27,356 --> 00:07:29,649
Esther, I just don't think
Elma would wear this to bed.
188
00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:31,026
I mean, she had a lover.
189
00:07:31,027 --> 00:07:32,694
Tara, you just have to understand
190
00:07:32,695 --> 00:07:35,322
that nightgowns are very sexy
to Elma's generation.
191
00:07:35,323 --> 00:07:36,698
You've got bare ankles showing.
192
00:07:36,699 --> 00:07:38,867
Bare ankles are the side boob
of the '50s.
193
00:07:38,868 --> 00:07:42,621
Also, if Jeff's gonna jump out
of a closet, can I wear these?
194
00:07:42,622 --> 00:07:44,080
[HISSES]
195
00:07:44,081 --> 00:07:45,665
No. I love the effort,
196
00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:47,751
but it's just not what we're going for.
197
00:07:47,752 --> 00:07:52,297
Hi, folks! Uh, I'm Mark.
I'm playing Elma's lover, Ron.
198
00:07:52,298 --> 00:07:53,299
He's my lover?
199
00:07:54,634 --> 00:07:56,635
- Maybe she would wear this.
- See?
200
00:07:56,636 --> 00:07:58,303
So excited about this opportunity.
201
00:07:58,304 --> 00:08:00,722
Um, listen, I don't want
to cause any trouble,
202
00:08:00,723 --> 00:08:02,527
but could I...
could I get my wife a comp?
203
00:08:02,538 --> 00:08:04,217
There's no comps!
And if that's a problem,
204
00:08:04,228 --> 00:08:06,185
I will send you right back
to where I found you
205
00:08:06,196 --> 00:08:07,813
in Craigslist casting. Understood?
206
00:08:07,814 --> 00:08:09,731
- Understood. Not a problem.
- Great.
207
00:08:09,732 --> 00:08:12,776
Guys, I'm sorry
if I'm a little worked up,
208
00:08:12,777 --> 00:08:17,155
but a woman died here. And we owe
it to her memory to get this right.
209
00:08:17,156 --> 00:08:20,075
I didn't spend 15 hours
at the Burbank public library
210
00:08:20,076 --> 00:08:21,910
going through microfiche for nothing.
211
00:08:21,911 --> 00:08:23,495
Isn't all that stuff digitized?
212
00:08:23,496 --> 00:08:25,288
Yes, they informed me of that
at hour 16.
213
00:08:25,289 --> 00:08:28,167
Oof. What library is open for 16 hours?
214
00:08:29,544 --> 00:08:31,461
I thought your
"jump out" idea was strong.
215
00:08:31,462 --> 00:08:34,506
Well, I thought that your
vampire teeth were very sexy.
216
00:08:34,507 --> 00:08:36,132
[CLEARS THROAT] If I may.
217
00:08:36,133 --> 00:08:38,093
You may.
218
00:08:38,094 --> 00:08:41,805
- You may all day.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
219
00:08:41,806 --> 00:08:43,601
- Ooh.
- [TARA CHUCKLES]
220
00:08:43,612 --> 00:08:44,725
So, where you guys from?
221
00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:49,688
- [CREEPY MUSIC PLAYING]
- [ESTHER] Benji, this is a packed house.
222
00:08:49,689 --> 00:08:51,064
How did you find all these people?
223
00:08:51,065 --> 00:08:53,127
I just fliered where
creepy people hang out.
224
00:08:53,138 --> 00:08:54,877
You know, I started
at the Spencer Gifts,
225
00:08:54,888 --> 00:08:57,533
but you know where the creepiest
people were? The seafood buffet!
226
00:08:57,544 --> 00:09:00,354
I mean, I wouldn't feel safe
alone with any of them.
227
00:09:00,365 --> 00:09:01,573
They're perfect!
228
00:09:01,584 --> 00:09:04,236
Hey, Esther, uh, there's something
you need to see by the pantry.
229
00:09:04,247 --> 00:09:06,037
[ESTHER] Oh, is it the blood spatter?
230
00:09:06,038 --> 00:09:08,947
(LOUDLY) Right this way, Esther!
231
00:09:08,958 --> 00:09:12,794
[JEFF EXCLAIMS] Ah! Ah! What the hell?
232
00:09:13,045 --> 00:09:14,421
[TARA] Wha...?
233
00:09:14,422 --> 00:09:15,839
Jeff, are you OK?
234
00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:19,134
Yeah, I was gonna do, like,
a scary, "jump out" thing,
235
00:09:19,135 --> 00:09:21,720
but this door wouldn't open.
236
00:09:21,721 --> 00:09:23,805
I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding.
You're welcome.
237
00:09:23,806 --> 00:09:25,725
- [TARA] What happened?
- Somethin' fell on me.
238
00:09:26,851 --> 00:09:28,143
[GROANS] What is this?
239
00:09:28,144 --> 00:09:30,353
Whoa! This could've killed you!
240
00:09:30,354 --> 00:09:32,981
That's a big jar o' honey!
Oh, it's got a honeycomb in it.
241
00:09:32,982 --> 00:09:36,151
That means it's fancy. I read
a pamphlet about this stuff.
242
00:09:36,152 --> 00:09:39,154
I'm paraphrasing, but it's made
from super slutty bees.
243
00:09:39,155 --> 00:09:40,822
What does that mean?
244
00:09:40,823 --> 00:09:43,909
Jeffrey, this is what happens
when you disrespect Elma.
245
00:09:43,910 --> 00:09:46,953
Elma, girl, I'm sorry,
and it won't happen again.
246
00:09:46,954 --> 00:09:48,538
All right, a ghost threw honey at me,
247
00:09:48,539 --> 00:09:50,999
and now I'm bleeding, so... I'm out.
248
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:53,793
Jeff, I'm sorry. Did you sign a waiver?
249
00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:55,629
You know I didn't.
250
00:09:55,630 --> 00:09:57,650
So, Benji...
251
00:09:57,661 --> 00:09:59,603
Congratulations.
You're our new Elma's brother.
252
00:09:59,614 --> 00:10:01,698
Trick handshake!
253
00:10:01,844 --> 00:10:06,056
And now, the culmination
of that horrible night,
254
00:10:06,057 --> 00:10:10,393
where Elma took her...
[GASPS]... final breath.
255
00:10:10,394 --> 00:10:13,063
Before you decide who the killer was,
256
00:10:13,064 --> 00:10:15,982
we will hear from each of the suspects,
257
00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:19,444
starting with me, Lauren Van Vleet,
258
00:10:19,445 --> 00:10:24,449
Elma's mysterious - yet,
mysteriously beautiful - neighbor.
259
00:10:24,450 --> 00:10:29,996
I was a movie star
until pictures started talking!
260
00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:33,708
Then, the roles dried up,
and I had nothing to do all day
261
00:10:33,709 --> 00:10:37,587
but sit at home and listen
to that damn Elma's dog
262
00:10:37,588 --> 00:10:40,966
- barking, yip-yip-yap all day.
- [RECORDING OF DOG BARKING]
263
00:10:40,967 --> 00:10:44,845
Was it enough to drive me to murder?
264
00:10:46,389 --> 00:10:49,933
Did I kill Elma
with this bronze schnauzer
265
00:10:49,934 --> 00:10:51,977
pseudo-antique from Pottery Barn?
266
00:10:51,978 --> 00:10:55,772
[GASPS] I thought you came
for a cup of sugar!
267
00:10:55,773 --> 00:10:59,109
Not a cup of... murder!
268
00:10:59,110 --> 00:11:00,110
Oh!
269
00:11:00,111 --> 00:11:02,238
[ESTHER] Ha ha ha ha ha!
270
00:11:04,323 --> 00:11:07,867
Or was it me, Mark?
271
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:11,955
I mean, Ron. Elma's lover.
Slash accountant.
272
00:11:11,956 --> 00:11:15,667
A little bit of wine,
a little bit of sex.
273
00:11:15,668 --> 00:11:19,004
A little bit of... murder?!
274
00:11:19,005 --> 00:11:22,882
Ron, you were always a lover of numbers,
275
00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:25,510
but this just doesn't add up!
276
00:11:25,511 --> 00:11:26,512
- [MARK GRUNTS]
- Aah!
277
00:11:28,639 --> 00:11:31,016
(SOUTHERN ACCENT) I didn't go
no money when our daddy died.
278
00:11:31,017 --> 00:11:33,727
She got it all! She didn't care none
279
00:11:33,728 --> 00:11:35,812
that I was eatin' cans o' tuna
280
00:11:35,813 --> 00:11:37,797
while she was up here in this castle.
281
00:11:37,808 --> 00:11:39,436
(WHISPERS)
Why are you doing that accent?
282
00:11:39,447 --> 00:11:41,609
- (WHISPERS) Making a choice!
- (SOUTHERN) Maybe I killed her
283
00:11:41,610 --> 00:11:43,820
with this here fancy ashtray!
284
00:11:43,821 --> 00:11:46,990
[GASPS] But you gave me that
for my birthday!
285
00:11:46,991 --> 00:11:49,743
Not my death day!
286
00:11:49,744 --> 00:11:50,994
- Aah!
- Yeehoo!
287
00:11:50,995 --> 00:11:53,414
[THUNDER]
288
00:11:55,791 --> 00:11:59,836
My blood is on
someone's hands. But whose?
289
00:11:59,837 --> 00:12:02,840
My soul can't rest! Aah...
290
00:12:04,508 --> 00:12:07,344
[MOANS MELODICALLY]
291
00:12:07,345 --> 00:12:08,428
What?
292
00:12:08,429 --> 00:12:11,139
[MOANING CONTINUES]
293
00:12:11,140 --> 00:12:14,935
[ESTHER] Thank you. Thank you so much.
294
00:12:17,355 --> 00:12:20,065
I can't help but think
Elma would've loved that show.
295
00:12:20,066 --> 00:12:21,589
Oh, yeah. Except for the part
296
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:23,151
where she got bludgeoned to death.
297
00:12:23,162 --> 00:12:25,390
I can't believe we pulled it off.
Pretty soon, instead of
298
00:12:25,401 --> 00:12:27,072
sitting around here all day
doing nothin',
299
00:12:27,073 --> 00:12:29,919
I'm gonna be home, sitting
around all day doing nothin'.
300
00:12:29,930 --> 00:12:31,951
But you'll still
come play the part, right?
301
00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:33,286
I'm good. I don't need it.
302
00:12:33,287 --> 00:12:35,121
You got a standing ovation.
303
00:12:35,122 --> 00:12:37,665
Well, there weren't that many,
like, seats available, so...
304
00:12:37,666 --> 00:12:39,170
Tara, can you excuse us?
305
00:12:39,181 --> 00:12:41,461
I don't want you to give him
a false sense of confidence.
306
00:12:41,462 --> 00:12:42,754
We'll do notes in five.
307
00:12:42,755 --> 00:12:44,048
OK.
308
00:12:46,425 --> 00:12:48,468
She's taking the pizza?
309
00:12:48,469 --> 00:12:51,888
You were so good in this role
that I think Elma may have died
310
00:12:51,889 --> 00:12:54,057
just so you could
play her brother in my show.
311
00:12:54,058 --> 00:12:56,935
Thank you, yeah. I got really
wrapped up in the character, and...
312
00:12:56,936 --> 00:12:59,312
Hi. You guys both did a
great job of bringing home
313
00:12:59,313 --> 00:13:01,481
that somebody died
right here in this house.
314
00:13:01,482 --> 00:13:04,692
It's a terrible thing.
I'd like to buy it.
315
00:13:04,693 --> 00:13:08,655
It is not for sale.
I'm so sorry. Right, Benji?
316
00:13:08,656 --> 00:13:10,990
Esther, everything's for sale.
Especially this house!
317
00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:13,910
- Sold, sir!
- What? No!
318
00:13:13,911 --> 00:13:15,704
Are you working with an agent?
319
00:13:17,832 --> 00:13:21,042
Benjamin Leonard.
You cannot sell this house.
320
00:13:21,043 --> 00:13:22,836
Did you just call me "Benjamin Leonard"?
321
00:13:22,837 --> 00:13:24,170
Isn't that your middle name?
322
00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:26,381
No, you're just assuming
my name is "Leonard"?
323
00:13:26,382 --> 00:13:28,967
- I mean, look at you.
- OK, "Esther Leonard."
324
00:13:28,968 --> 00:13:30,802
Don't give up on yourself.
325
00:13:30,803 --> 00:13:34,222
Imagine if the surfer girl had quit
after the shark bit her arm off.
326
00:13:34,223 --> 00:13:36,182
Who would have spoken
at my high school assembly?
327
00:13:36,183 --> 00:13:38,226
Who would have inspired me
to achieve such greatness
328
00:13:38,227 --> 00:13:39,811
as a murder house tour?
329
00:13:39,812 --> 00:13:41,813
Bet on yourself, Benjamin.
330
00:13:41,814 --> 00:13:43,773
I'm not betting on myself, OK?
331
00:13:43,774 --> 00:13:45,024
I'm not the horse you bet on.
332
00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:46,734
I'm the horse you make glue out of.
333
00:13:46,735 --> 00:13:49,028
Then bet on me, 'cause I'm smart.
334
00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:51,156
And this is my best idea
since I started wearing
335
00:13:51,157 --> 00:13:53,783
Cinemark polo shirts
to get into movies for free.
336
00:13:53,784 --> 00:13:55,577
And that's free popcorn, too.
337
00:13:55,578 --> 00:13:57,996
That was the greatest
Goodwill find ever, but...
338
00:13:57,997 --> 00:13:59,164
Thank you.
339
00:13:59,165 --> 00:14:01,624
I'm sorry. I work for my brother.
340
00:14:01,625 --> 00:14:04,503
This is his house. It's gotta go.
341
00:14:06,336 --> 00:14:08,506
[BENJI] So, James, the
pipes are in great shape.
342
00:14:08,507 --> 00:14:12,238
The wiring is all up to code.
We're gonna get that railing fixed.
343
00:14:12,249 --> 00:14:14,804
Oh, and of course, we're gonna
get this fake blood cleaned up.
344
00:14:14,805 --> 00:14:18,683
No need to touch anything.
I like it just as it is.
345
00:14:18,684 --> 00:14:21,103
I wonder how long it would take
to crawl across this room.
346
00:14:26,609 --> 00:14:29,528
You're a fun guy, James. Very spry.
347
00:14:32,156 --> 00:14:34,657
Well, Benji, we created
something amazing,
348
00:14:34,658 --> 00:14:36,659
and now it's gone forever.
349
00:14:36,660 --> 00:14:38,119
I guess I can reuse the fake blood
350
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:40,246
to decorate Christmas cupcakes
in a few months.
351
00:14:40,247 --> 00:14:43,249
What am I supposed to do? You think
I'm gonna find another buyer, man?
352
00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:44,960
Look at that guy.
353
00:14:47,588 --> 00:14:49,088
They say a house chooses you.
354
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,426
I've never heard that.
355
00:14:50,437 --> 00:14:52,508
Do you know if these floors
are sloped or flat?
356
00:14:52,509 --> 00:14:54,427
Would blood pool or run?
357
00:14:54,428 --> 00:14:56,262
Can I see a copy of the survey report?
358
00:14:56,263 --> 00:14:58,389
Uh, yeah, of course, dude.
I got one right here.
359
00:14:58,390 --> 00:14:59,391
OK.
360
00:15:00,976 --> 00:15:02,112
I thought I had it. Um...
361
00:15:02,123 --> 00:15:04,354
I can just run to my office
and print up another one.
362
00:15:04,355 --> 00:15:06,189
Feel free to hang out.
363
00:15:06,190 --> 00:15:08,691
Don't turn Esther into a jacket,
I'll be right back!
364
00:15:08,692 --> 00:15:11,986
No problem. I'll stay here and test
out how scream-proof the walls are.
365
00:15:11,987 --> 00:15:14,572
- Cool.
- [ESTHER] I guess I'll keep him company.
366
00:15:14,573 --> 00:15:17,002
and say goodbye to Elma's spirit
for one last time.
367
00:15:17,013 --> 00:15:18,393
Thank you. Yeah, if he gets bored,
368
00:15:18,404 --> 00:15:20,705
maybe grab some of those
doll heads out of the basement.
369
00:15:20,716 --> 00:15:21,921
Let him pet their hair, or...
370
00:15:21,932 --> 00:15:23,748
- You got it.
- See ya!
371
00:15:23,749 --> 00:15:27,293
James, I thought maybe
I could just sit down with you
372
00:15:27,294 --> 00:15:28,836
and give you a little presentation
373
00:15:28,837 --> 00:15:31,339
on some of the commercial
possibilities for this property.
374
00:15:31,340 --> 00:15:33,675
That's the survey report right there.
375
00:15:33,676 --> 00:15:37,553
Oh! How did Benji's papers
get mixed in with my prospectus?
376
00:15:37,554 --> 00:15:39,305
Here we are, in a house of mystery.
377
00:15:39,306 --> 00:15:40,723
Mm-hmm.
378
00:15:40,724 --> 00:15:43,101
So, as you can see,
this isn't just real estate.
379
00:15:43,102 --> 00:15:45,937
This is a multi-platform
franchise opportunity.
380
00:15:45,938 --> 00:15:48,983
With products. Like this murder mallet.
381
00:15:50,609 --> 00:15:53,352
This Elma bobblehead
that bleeds realistic blood.
382
00:15:53,363 --> 00:15:56,198
We're waiting on approval from her
estate, but we think we'll get it.
383
00:15:57,366 --> 00:15:59,367
Fascinating.
384
00:15:59,368 --> 00:16:03,329
But, you know, I must confess.
I'm not here to buy this house.
385
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:05,415
Let's just say I'm a lot closer
386
00:16:05,416 --> 00:16:07,584
to this murder than you'd imagine.
387
00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:14,716
I'm sorry, do you have
diplomatic immunity?
388
00:16:14,717 --> 00:16:16,134
Can you just block a driveway?
389
00:16:16,135 --> 00:16:17,384
OK, tone it down, Willow.
390
00:16:17,395 --> 00:16:19,220
You can't just park wherever you want.
391
00:16:19,221 --> 00:16:21,180
There's rules. Of driving and parking.
392
00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:23,224
Hey. It's OK.
393
00:16:23,225 --> 00:16:26,102
I'm here to talk about
a partnership, OK?
394
00:16:26,103 --> 00:16:27,603
I need you. Uh... Your little house
395
00:16:27,604 --> 00:16:29,230
has been gettin' a lot of buzz.
396
00:16:29,231 --> 00:16:31,357
Oh, that's great. We've been
working real hard on it,
397
00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:35,945
but unfortunately, we gotta end our
murder business. I gotta sell the house.
398
00:16:35,946 --> 00:16:38,656
What? You don't just end
a murder business.
399
00:16:38,657 --> 00:16:40,199
I want you on this tour.
400
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,243
I'm gonna bring three busloads
of people a day,
401
00:16:42,244 --> 00:16:44,120
they're gonna be buying stuff.
402
00:16:44,121 --> 00:16:46,816
I hear the guy playin' the
brother is outstanding.
403
00:16:46,827 --> 00:16:48,544
Are you tryin'
to butter me up right now?
404
00:16:48,555 --> 00:16:50,335
- You know I play the brother, right?
- I am.
405
00:16:50,336 --> 00:16:51,711
- [LAUGHS]
- I'm just good with characters.
406
00:16:51,712 --> 00:16:54,630
I went to international summer camp,
so dialects just flow out of me.
407
00:16:54,631 --> 00:16:57,428
- That's all they're talkin' about, is you.
- [ESTHER SCREAMS]
408
00:17:01,305 --> 00:17:02,764
Get away from her!
409
00:17:02,765 --> 00:17:03,766
[GRUNTS]
410
00:17:05,642 --> 00:17:08,144
- What are you doing?
- Saving you.
411
00:17:08,145 --> 00:17:09,645
We're in the middle of a reenactment,
412
00:17:09,646 --> 00:17:10,897
and now we have to start over.
413
00:17:10,898 --> 00:17:12,273
- [GRUNTS]
- James, back to one.
414
00:17:12,274 --> 00:17:14,734
Wow. This is a good murder house!
415
00:17:14,735 --> 00:17:18,279
Shoe thing was a little over the
top, but we can workshop that.
416
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,281
This is my life's work. I'm Esther.
417
00:17:20,282 --> 00:17:23,242
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
So, you're a journalist?
418
00:17:23,243 --> 00:17:25,204
Yeah, sorry I had to string you along,
419
00:17:25,215 --> 00:17:27,518
but I needed to get in the house
to test out my theories.
420
00:17:27,529 --> 00:17:29,332
But I'm never gonna
publish this book anyway,
421
00:17:29,333 --> 00:17:30,792
because it doesn't add up.
422
00:17:30,793 --> 00:17:32,418
I can't even find the murder weapon.
423
00:17:32,419 --> 00:17:33,684
Well, the mallet
424
00:17:33,695 --> 00:17:35,880
or the bronze schnauzer statue,
that's my theory.
425
00:17:35,881 --> 00:17:38,716
No, the angle's all wrong.
See, there's nothing in this house
426
00:17:38,717 --> 00:17:40,028
that matches her injuries.
427
00:17:40,039 --> 00:17:41,886
And frankly, killing somebody
with a calculator
428
00:17:41,887 --> 00:17:43,638
felt like the weakest part of your show.
429
00:17:43,639 --> 00:17:45,807
And it's the weakest part
of your merchandising plan.
430
00:17:45,808 --> 00:17:48,267
Guys, I'm a new business, OK?
431
00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:50,812
Knock knock. Hey. I'm just
here to take some pictures.
432
00:17:50,813 --> 00:17:53,523
My uncle, he's a personal injury
lawyer, and he told me to.
433
00:17:53,524 --> 00:17:55,108
You'll be served with papers soon.
434
00:17:55,109 --> 00:17:58,486
Jeffrey! My uncle is an alcoholic,
and I haven't seen him in two years.
435
00:17:58,487 --> 00:18:00,738
How dare you say the word "uncle"?
436
00:18:00,739 --> 00:18:03,491
Look, I'm sorry you're hurt, Jeff,
but I don't have any money.
437
00:18:03,492 --> 00:18:04,751
And I gave you stage credit!
438
00:18:04,762 --> 00:18:07,025
Yeah, but if I hadn't been
in your little crazy show,
439
00:18:07,036 --> 00:18:09,978
then a jar of old lady honey wouldn't
have fallen and hit me on the head.
440
00:18:09,989 --> 00:18:11,119
W-what jar of honey?
441
00:18:11,130 --> 00:18:13,376
Oh, there's this jar of honey
with a human heart in it.
442
00:18:13,377 --> 00:18:14,448
- What?
- I'm just kidding.
443
00:18:14,459 --> 00:18:16,996
I know you're into weird stuff.
It's just got a honeycomb in it.
444
00:18:17,007 --> 00:18:19,709
I don't remember reading about a jar
of honey in the police reports.
445
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:20,860
Oh, they probably missed it.
446
00:18:20,871 --> 00:18:22,654
It was on a really high shelf
in the pantry.
447
00:18:22,665 --> 00:18:25,346
High shelf in the pantry. Wait a minute!
448
00:18:25,347 --> 00:18:30,810
OK, Esther, you're Elma,
fixing a late night cup of tea.
449
00:18:30,811 --> 00:18:33,479
"I have an itch
only chamomile can scratch."
450
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:37,150
You head to the pantry, where
you keep a large jar of honey.
451
00:18:37,151 --> 00:18:40,236
Seriously, this is why bee colonies
are failing. That's a lotta honey.
452
00:18:40,237 --> 00:18:42,822
But your lust for the sweet
things in life was your undoing.
453
00:18:42,823 --> 00:18:45,409
As you fumble for the honey, it
falls, hitting you on the head.
454
00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:47,744
- Bang!
- Aah!
455
00:18:47,745 --> 00:18:49,120
Stunned and confused,
456
00:18:49,121 --> 00:18:50,913
Elma puts the jar back on the shelf.
457
00:18:50,914 --> 00:18:53,332
The police don't notice it.
It's never seen again,
458
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:55,960
- until it hits your
friend on the head. -Uh!
459
00:18:55,961 --> 00:18:59,505
Elma doesn't know it yet,
but she's already dead.
460
00:18:59,506 --> 00:19:01,048
And then, the schnauzer.
461
00:19:01,049 --> 00:19:02,717
No.
462
00:19:02,718 --> 00:19:04,844
Bleeding everywhere, Elma wanders,
463
00:19:04,845 --> 00:19:07,388
disoriented, into the living room.
464
00:19:07,389 --> 00:19:11,642
She heads towards the TV to stream
season two of "True Detective."
465
00:19:11,643 --> 00:19:13,394
But mercifully, she dies.
466
00:19:13,395 --> 00:19:14,897
Ooh!
467
00:19:17,065 --> 00:19:20,568
So you're saying the killer
was a late-night sweet craving?
468
00:19:20,569 --> 00:19:22,403
I'm saying, this was a random accident.
469
00:19:22,404 --> 00:19:25,364
There goes my book. I'll be lucky
to get a blog post outta this.
470
00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:28,201
Whoa, whoa, hold up.
There was no murder?
471
00:19:28,202 --> 00:19:30,787
Hey, I'm out. That's a damn shame.
472
00:19:30,788 --> 00:19:32,914
This was gonna bump
Fatty Arbuckle from my tour.
473
00:19:32,915 --> 00:19:35,847
Parking by his place is a bitch! Peace.
474
00:19:35,858 --> 00:19:38,461
This isn't a murder house. This
is just a regular death house.
475
00:19:38,462 --> 00:19:39,962
I can sell that tomorrow!
476
00:19:39,963 --> 00:19:43,549
Dean is going to fist-bump me
repeatedly.
477
00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:46,185
Well... can I name your blog post?
478
00:19:46,196 --> 00:19:48,387
- Sure, what do you got?
- "Murder, She Wasn't."
479
00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:50,306
No. It's not very good.
480
00:19:50,307 --> 00:19:51,517
OK.
481
00:19:53,644 --> 00:19:56,562
Esther, you're credited as
an "amateur murder enthusiast."
482
00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:58,815
- What? Amateur? -I'd say
that pretty much sums it up.
483
00:19:58,816 --> 00:20:02,360
I am certainly not an amateur.
I was paid $500 for my work.
484
00:20:02,361 --> 00:20:04,570
Well, I made $200 if you factor in
485
00:20:04,571 --> 00:20:07,865
the party store's fascist return
policy for used fog machines.
486
00:20:07,866 --> 00:20:11,118
Guys, I can't lie.
I'm feelin' a little woozy.
487
00:20:11,119 --> 00:20:14,163
Benj, could you help me to your room,
so I could lay down for a second?
488
00:20:14,164 --> 00:20:15,866
- Yeah, sure, bud.
- [JEFF] Whoo!
489
00:20:15,877 --> 00:20:17,708
We make good crutches,
'cause we're more or less
490
00:20:17,709 --> 00:20:18,709
- the same height. You like that?
- Yeah, yeah.
491
00:20:18,710 --> 00:20:21,380
I mean, I'm a better crutch,
'cause my shoulder's a little softer.
492
00:20:21,391 --> 00:20:23,047
- I retain water there.
- They're very delicate.
493
00:20:23,048 --> 00:20:25,677
Pride's a tricky thing for you.
The things you brag about and don't...
494
00:20:25,688 --> 00:20:27,051
[SCREAMS]
495
00:20:27,052 --> 00:20:29,762
[LAUGHS] I told you it was scary!
496
00:20:29,763 --> 00:20:31,389
- No, it wasn't.
- [JEFF] Nice work.
497
00:20:31,390 --> 00:20:33,933
I feel like I should pursue horror.
498
00:20:33,934 --> 00:20:35,476
- Yeah!
- I felt really good
499
00:20:35,477 --> 00:20:36,561
about my performance.
500
00:20:36,562 --> 00:20:37,562
It's a good niche.
501
00:20:37,563 --> 00:20:38,906
I'm gonna go home.
502
00:20:38,917 --> 00:20:40,596
- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
503
00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:43,442
That means she pissed herself.
Are you guys happy? I wasn't scared.
504
00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:46,362
I can handle it, but you know she can't.
505
00:20:46,363 --> 00:20:48,240
Really disappointed.
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