All language subtitles for home_improvement_S01E22

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You know, all this week, Al and I have done
our Tool Time salute to painting.

And I got to thinking about
something a little disjointed.

Women have been telling me
that they think men are insensitive.

That we don't listen.
Boy, that really irks me.

- How about you, Al?
- Well, Tim, I think…

Exactly my point, Al. You know,
men are sensitive to other things.

for instance, when a woman sees
a hot rod, what does she see? A car.

When a man sees a hot rod
he sees all the love and care

that it took to make the details
of the hot rod.

To illustrate my point.
I've invited a good friend of mine.

Fred Axelby, from Axelby's
Street Rods, down here on the show.

He's actually the one who motivated
me to build my own hot rod.

Let's get him out here
with a big Tool Time welcome.

Lisa, bring him on out.
A big hand. Come on.

- Here you go, Tim.
- Thank you, Lisa.

- Fred, good to have you here.
- Great to be here, Tim. Great to be here.

Good deal, All right, what are we gonna do
on the next show?

Well, Tim, first we're going to apply
120 coats of hand-rubbed lacquer.

Do you suppose a fender has
120 coats cos it's cold?

- I really doubt it, Tim.
- Well, it sounds like a lot of work, though.

Oh, it is, Tim. But it's worth it
if you're a real detail man.

Details.
See, it's exactly my point.

Ah, well, there…
there is one detail, Tim.

Al, we don't have any more
time for details.

Join me next time
when we put this fender back…

Yeah, we just put
that primer on backstage.

- Was that the detail, Al?
- Yes, it was, Tim.

Well, anyway, thanks for being with us.
I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

hoping all your lacquer finishes
are glossy. See ya next time.

You know, Tim, a little thinner
will take that right off.

- Great. Good night, Lisa.
- Listen. I've got some bad news.

Murray called. He can't make
the poker game tonight.

Oh, no. We can't play
with three men.

- Well, maybe we should call it off.
- No. We're not calling it off.

I don't care if I have to drag
some idiot off the street.

- Excuse me, Tim.
- Al! Hey.

- Yeah?
- Um…

We need a fourth player for our poker
game tonight. Do you wanna join us?

Oh. I haven't played
in about ten years.

Perfect.

Why don't you come over
about 7:30 then?

OK. Who's playing?

Well, it'll be Fred, myself, you,
and Charlie, my brother-in-law.

- I think you've met him.
- Just the guys, huh?

- You bet.
- OK, well, what should I wear?

Well, Al, I can't speak for
Fred or Charlie.

but I'd like to see you
in something simple yet revealing.

- What you're saying is it doesn't matter.
- That's what I'm saying, Al.

- Unless you get an evening dress…
- I'll see you at 7:30.

OK, buddy.

Oh, that smells!

- Do we have to eat it?
- No, honey.

This isn't food. I'm gonna give myself
a facial tonight before I go to bed.

- Will you stir this for me? Hi.
- Hi. I got everything I need.

Chips, soda, all ready for
that poker game. Whoa!

- Looks like your mom made some dip.
- Don't eat that!

I know. It's for the company.

Is that your mother's recipe?

No. It's not a dip.
It's an organic face mask.

See, what I do is. I put this in
the refrigerator for a little while.

and then when I put it on my face
it makes it all pretty and tight.

It looks just like this.
Hi, everybody. I'm so beautiful.

Hey, Mom, can Brad and I
stay home tonight?

No. It's poker night.
Men only. No children.

But Dad, Mom and Aunt Robin want to
take us to an arts and crafts fair.

Great. That's a good thing to do.

Men's handiwork,
craftsmen, men, wood…

- You'll love it.
- Aw, man.

Well, Tim, if the boys don't want to go,
maybe we should just all stay home.

No! When your sister gets here,
she goes. Charlie stays.

- It's a man's night tonight.
- "Man's night."

Yeah. Man's night. Cigars, smoke,

scratching parts of you, burping,
body noises without any kind of apology.

"Oh, excuse me.
I'm sorry. I fluffed."

How is that different from
any other night?

Well, there'll be other men
doing it with me.

I'll get it. Charlie, open your wallet
right now, cos I got the…

Hi. Robin, Where's Charlie?

Last time I saw my husband he was
on the corner of Fulton and fourth.

Why?

He said he'd rather walk than let me drive
so I took off without him.

We were supposed to play
poker tonight.

Tim, I think she's upset.

How can you think about poker
when my marriage is falling apart?

Well, I figure if it's falling apart.
I better win something from Charlie

before the alimony starts.

Tim, you are an insensitive cretin.

- You're right, Dip?
- Tim!

Robin! Robin!

- Hey, Charlie.
- Are you nuts? Hey, Tim.

I told you you could drive here.
Why did you leave me there?

I didn't like your attitude.

- Charlie, what happened?
- I was driving over here, Jill.

and she started nagging on me.
"Let me drive. Let me drive."

So I pull over. I get out of the car so she
can scoot over, and she took off on me.

Buddy, a little advice.

When you're arguing in
the car, don't get out.

For your information,
I wasn't nagging!

Oh, well, what do you call that screaming
in my ear for 14 blocks, Rob?

- I wasn't screaming in your ear, Charlie.
- Oh. God, it's started.

They'll be at this for hours. You gotta get
your sister out of the house so we can play.

Tim, she's is my sister.
I gotta help her.

Well, take her to that craft fair.
Knit a rug. Blow some glass.

I don't care,
but get her out of the house.

We'll get them out as soon
as they calm down, OK?

Dad, Aunt Robin locked herself
in our bathroom.

Does this mean we're not gonna go
to the arts and crafts fair?

You're going to the arts and crafts fair

as soon as your Aunt Robin
is ready to go.

- Robin, give me those keys!
- No.

- I want them now.
- OK, fine. You want your keys?

There are your keys.

Aunt Robin, are we still going to
the arts and crafts fair?

No, honey.
I'm not going anywhere.

- Yeah! We're not going to the art fair!
- We're not going to the fair!

Oh, great.

I can't believe she threw my keys
into the bushes.

Yeah.

- That must have been 30 feet.
- She's always had a real good arm.

Maybe I ought to just find my keys
and get out of here.

No. The guys' poker game is the last
thing you've got left in your life.

- Don't give up everything to her.
- Well. I've only been married 23 days.

and every day it's been
the same thing. Nag, nag, nag.

"Pick up your socks, pick up your
underwear, pick up your dishes."

Charlie, pick up your keys.

Let me tell you something about women.
Women are a product of their mothers.

And their mothers before that,
and their mothers before that.

This nagging is a genetic thing.
It goes way back, you know?

Maybe to caveman days.
The Serengeti's quiet.

You could hear a pin drop.
But out of a cave hole:

"Hey. Grog, get your hairy butt
out of that bed."

"Did you drag this wildebeest
across this floor?"

"I've been down on my knuckles
and knees all day."

"I washed your loincloth this morning."

"Use some leaves, will ya?"

Why do you think man
invented the wheel?

So he could leave home
now and then.

Crazy, All right, my deal.
Seven card stud. Everybody antes.

Why do they call it "stud"?

Well. I think it's
because you're here, Al.

Charlie, you should have seen this
'40 Chevy project I was working on.

Oh, that pick-up down
at your shop. Beauty.

It's lime green. It's metal flake.
About a mile deep paint job.

This thing is just unbelievable.
It's got a…

- ..454…
- ..454, big Chevy V-8, tunnel rams…

- ..dual quads, polished heads…
- ..350 turbo trans.

ten-inch torque converter.
I mean a sweet piece of metal. Ooh!

This is it, right here. Men talking.
Cigar smoke. Cars.

Don't mind me.
I'm just getting a soda.

You're not down here to get a soda.
You're down here…

Charlie. Charlie, please. Robin, come on.
This is the third soda in 10 minutes.

Jill and I are thirsty.
Do you have any chips?

Yeah. There.

You want some dip?

Chips will be fine.

You know, she's gonna keep interrupting
the game if you don't apologize.

Hey.

Never apologize.

It's admitting you're wrong. I have never
once apologized to any woman.

Freddie, how many times
you been married?

Three.

Why do you suppose that is?

I can't find a woman
who understands me.

Let me jump in here, if I could. Charlie.
Jill and I have been married 12 years.

Good marriage for one reason.
Every day I get up early morning.

Look her right in the eyes and say.
"Jill. I'm sorry."

- For what?
- Everything.

Just being a man, having an Adam's apple,
just breathing. That's it.

Why should I apologize?
She's the one who drove off…

It doesn't matter who's at fault here.
If you don't apologize.

we're not gonna play cards.

- Robin!
- What?

Come on down here.
Charlie wants to say something to ya.

Now, when you apologize to a woman
just look at the floor and nod.

All right, All right.

You know, the apology might be more
effective if you really meant it.

Guess which one of us
at this table's not married?

Boom.

You wanted to say something?

I'm sorry.

- Good apology.
- Very good.

- Honey, I shouldn't have driven off.
- Oh, that's OK.

So this means from now on,
when I want to drive the car I can?

Hey. I said I was sorry, not stupid.

Oh, no!

- Quarter to you.
- Already in.

- All right.
- I fold.

Really? You folded every
hand tonight, Al.

I prefer to be cautious.

There's a reason they
call it gambling, Al.

- I'll call.
- OK. Two pair, queens and eights.

I haven't had a decent hand all night.

Well. I haven't seen Robin for a while.

- Maybe she's OK now.
- Mm-hm. No. She's not OK.

I know I'm a bit of a slob, but she used to
think it was cute before we were married.

Now I can't get her off my back.

You want her off your back?
Do something unexpected.

Like the laundry, but make sure
she knows you're doing it.

"Honey, where's the fabric softener? I'm
doing the laundry." And then when you…

Start mumbling like. "I can't seem to get
the whites as clean as you get them, hon."

They love that stuff.

You know, Tim, the trouble with your
whites may be you're not presoaking.

- Thank you, Al.
- Let's ante up.

You know, I've been married 12 years.

And the reason I have a good marriage
is because of one word. Compromise.

And who does all the compromise
in a relationship? Men.

It's always 60-40.
Now let's play some cards.

- Three kings. Is that good?
- I fold.

Me too.

See. I like everything to be 50-50. I like
a he to be a he and a she to be a she.

Robbie, can I give you just
a little piece of advice?

- No.
- Well, you're gonna hear it anyway.

Marriage is about one thing -
compromise.

- And guess who gets to do most of that?
- We do.

It's 70-30.

Unless you count childbirth,
and then it's 97-3.

Yeah. I know.

Now, listen, you need to
learn to let some things go.

because you know you make
everything such a big deal.

Just eliminate the things
that drive you the craziest.

Well, that would be Charlie.

He is such a slob, Jill.

He leaves his clothes on the floor,
his wet towels on the bed.

- I wish he was more like Tim.
- Hah!

At least Tim helps you out
around the house.

Well, of course he does.
I trained him.

Without me he'd still be in the backyard
eating out of a trough.

How did you train him?

- Well, first I got rid of the trough.
- Come on. What did you do?

I just used positive reinforcement.
You remember that puppy

that Dad brought home that we had
so much trouble house-breaking?

- Puddles?
- Yeah.

I did the same stuff with Tim
that we did with Puddles.

This is good. You taught him
to roll over and play dead?

No, Tim already
knew how to do that.

All right. A quarter to you. I'm in.

- I'm in.
- Me too.

Al folds.

- I'm in.
- Well, you don't say.

Welcome to the game, Al.
It's about damn time.

How much is the most you can raise?

Well, there's a three-dollar limit.
Daddy Warbucks.

OK. I raise that.

Oh, he must have something good.
I'm out.

- I'm out. He better have something good.
- I'm sticking. What do you have, Al?

A flush. All black cards.
Read 'em and cry.

I hate to burst your bubble, Al,

but a flush is all the same suit.

Clubs, diamonds…
All the same something.

Oh.

Then I fold.

Ante up. Let's play.

Jill and I have been talking and
I realize your car means a lot to you

and I think we should discuss it.

- In a minute, Rob.
- No, we need to talk now.

Unbelievable. You wait till
I get three aces…

- I fold.
- I fold.

- I fold.
- Oh, hold on.

Thanks a lot, Rob.
You blew the whole hand.

Oh, well. I guess I'm the only one
worried about this relationship.

Ah, now, come on. I'm not worried
about the relationship.

I thought the best thing
about being married was knowing

we're always gonna be there
to work it out.

- You mean that?
- Yes.

- You're not mad about the three aces?
- No!

But I'm crazy about the four Tops.

- I missed you, cupcake.
- I missed you, too, pookie.

All right, now that we got that over with,
can we play cards now. Chuck?

- Do you want to go home?
- Let's go.

- Yes!
- Charlie, where you going?

- We're playing cards here.
- Bye. Robbie.

- See you next month, Tim.
- Bye. Charlie.

Charlie, we can't play with three guys.
Charlie!

- Maybe Jill would like to join us.
- No, she wouldn't.

- Oh, thanks, Al. I love poker.
- Hey, you can't sit down at this table

unless you can bench press
150 pounds.

Al, sit down.

Come on, Tim, I can play poker.
What are you doing here?

You want Chicago, high-low,
anaconda, what?

- What's anaconda?
- It's a snake, Al.

Now, shut up for a minute.
You can't play at this table

unless you know the compression
ratio of a 327 Chevy engine.

Boy, you are really tough
on your wife.

Talk about it, Mr Three-Alimony-Payment
Man. I'm very good to my wife.

- Then you should let her play.
- Yeah. That's right.

OK, great. OK, great.
Let's just lift up the felt,

put down some doilies,
get the sewing machine out.

This is supposed to be
men playing poker tonight.

You can't play poker
with three people.

- How about canasta?
- Well, now you're talking.

Wilson, can I ask you a question?

I believe you just did, Tim.

Heard a lot of noise
coming from your house tonight.

Yeah, that's Jill's sister and her husband.
Newlyweds. They're always fighting.

Well. I seem to remember a couple of
newlyweds that moved in next door to me

that I thought would
never stop fighting.

Jill and I. Boy, is that odd.

We've been married 12 years
and I still get so mad at her.

- Angry. Just cos she's a woman.
- So, what is your question?

How do women and men
even stay together?

It has to do with barbed wire, Tim.

Huh?

As a boy I used to spend summers
at my Uncle Leonard's farm

and at the edge of his property
he had a huge oak tree.

Running through the middle of that tree
was an old barbed-wire fence.

- It went right through the tree?
- Right through the middle of the tree.

When a tree is planted close to
a fence it has nowhere to grow.

As it expands and grows bigger
it extends over the fence

and slowly envelops the wire.

The two separate entities gradually
become one.

Am I the tree or the barbed wire?

Well. I don't think you're the tree, Tim.

Ah, the point is, the two were joined
without destroying the tree

or losing the integrity of the fence.

It's almost as if they
belong together.

Like Jill and me.

Oh…

Well. I don't know, Tim, but it looks
like everything in the universe

is in harmony tonight.

Not quite yet, Wilson.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm sorry your poker night
turned out to be a bust.

Well, it certainly wasn't your fault,
and I do apologize for being so rough.

It's just that sometimes I don't know
where my fence ends and your tree begins.

Huh?

I just wanted one night
of playing poker with the guys.

- With the guys?
- That was it.

Well. I think that
I can give that to you.

Just call me Murray.

So, how about those Pistons?
Think they'll win the series?

You're pathetic.

- What's the game?
- Depends what we're playing.

- High card?
- What are the stakes?

Winner has to kiss the loser.

Murray!

I had no idea.

- I'm in.
- All right.

Oh…

Come here. Murray.

Give me that cigar.

Before we go. let's take one
last look at this fender.

Boy, that hard work paid off, Al.

We applied 120 coats of lacquer.
Mm-mm-mm.

"We", Tim? Well, you did the first coat
of lacquer. I did the next 119.

Well, like I said, between us
we applied 120 coats.

You know, this fender
reminds me of a good marriage.

Stick with me on this one, All you see on
the outside is a shiny lacquer finish.

You don't know about
the hard work that went into it.

Like a good marriage. You see a good
marriage on the outside

but you don't know about
the hard work that went into it.

The enamel finish
and the marriage

both need hard work and dedication
to make them come out right.

The only difference is…

you want your mother-in-law
to steer clear of your marriage.

but right in front of your fender.

Just kidding, Nana.

Well, that's it for me, Tim "The Tool Man"
Taylor with my buddy, Al, saying so long.

See you next time.

Why are men so loud?

I think the testosterone
affects their hearing.

You know. I just attached my TV
to my stereo. 80 watts a channel.

And I still can't listen to it. The wife's
always going. "Turn it down. Turn it down."

I got the remote control.
"I wish I could turn you down that easy."

What is it with women
and loud music?

I think it's the estrogen.

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