All language subtitles for home_improvement_S01E17

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Good night, everybody.
See you next time.

- Nice going, Al.
- It wasn't my fault.

- Yes, it was.
- No, it wasn't.

Thanks for wrecking another show, Al.

Well, you're the one that stuck your foot
in the joint compound, Tim.

That you left right behind me on purpose.

- I did not.
- Did too.

- Not.
- Too!

Could you help me
out of the bucket, please.

- OK, here. Brace yourself.
- Al, Al, Al, Al, Al, Al!

Tim, Tim, Tim!
Mr Binford's looking for you.

Oh, great! Great!

The sponsor shows up,
and I'm stuck in a bucket.

Al, thanks for the book.

It means a lot to me.

Oh, Al.

- What was that all about?
- Nothing, Tim.

It's just she and I are both
big Bob Vila fans.

You know, he's in town
signing his new book.

Isn't that wonderful! Let's get
my shoe out of the bucket, please.

Well, I can't believe it. I actually got
to talk to the pioneer in home repair.

The pioneer?

Without Bob Vila, there would be
no Tool Time. He paved the way.

Listen, Al. Any paving done on Tool Time's
done by me, the big asphalt.

Taylor! Oh. Taylor!

- Back here, Mr Binford.
- Hi, Borland.

- Boy, have I got a surprise for you.
- Well, great, boss.

Guess who's gonna be on the show
tomorrow afternoon.

Bob Vila.

- Really?
- Hell of a idea, isn't it?

Great.
He's the pioneer of home repair.

Darn right.
We'll sell some tools too.

Oops. I see a vision.

- A competition.
- A competition?

friendly but fierce.
Between our Taylor and Bob Vila.

We'll call it "Stump the Tool Man".

- A very good idea, Mr Binford.
- Don't suck up to me, Borland.

Every red-blooded male will be calling in.

wanting to know if Taylor or Bob Vila
is king of the home repair.

John, do we really need
competition on the show?

You're not afraid, are you, Timmy?

Of Bob Vila? No, no, no.

Good. You'll represent me -
be selling a hell of lot of tools.

Have yourself a good time
and kick Bob's butt.

OK. "Stump the Tool Man".
Ask me a hard one.

OK. You're attaching mo-by-fours
to a concrete foundation.

- What tool do you use?
- Piece of cake.

Electropneumatic rotary hammer drill.
Low vibration, variable speeds. Yes!

- Come on, another one - hard one.
- Come on, Tim. Give it a rest.

There's no way you are ever gonna
know all the stuff in these books.

Honey, Bob Vila knows everything
in those books.

That's because he wrote most of them.

That sure makes me feel better.

Are you afraid big, bad Bob
is gonna make you look foolish?

Better men than him
have made me look foolish.

That didn't sound right, did it?

- Ask me another question.
- Wait a sec.

o .

Oh, hello, Mrs Woolitt.

He did what?

Oh. I am so sorry.
Well. I promise it'll never happen again.

Listen. I'll send him over right away
to apologize.

Oh, you did?
Oh, well. OK. That'll be fine.

Thanks. Goodbye.

Randall William Taylor, get in here.
I wanna talk to you.

Middle name. He's in trouble.

Randy yanked the shoes off
of a kid at school

and filled them with Cheez Whiz.

Mom, you don't understand.
He's a total geek.

- Don't call him that.
- What am I supposed to call him?

How about "the whiz kid"?

Tim!

Well, cheese and everything…

Randy, this is not like you.
Why would you do something like this?

Mom. Curtis is
the most annoying kid on Earth.

- It's true. He drives everybody crazy.
- Well. I don't care.

Curtis is coming over here,
and I want you to apologize to him.

- OK, honey. Ask me another one.
- All right. One more, and that is all.

What is an adze?

A-d-z-e.

- That's a tool?
- Yeah, it's right here.

"Adze: a medieval wood-shaping tool."

Get real. What are the chances somebody
will call and ask about that?

Might be good.
If I'm the one calling.

. . y.

pretty sly.

What are the chances
Bob Vila's gonna know that?

I know why I love you sometimes.

Look, in case I get in trouble. I'm gonna
look at the camera. I'll scratch like this.

and I'll say.
"Let's go to a female caller:'

You call this number, and Kathy will patch
you right through the switchboard to me.

OK.

That must be Curtis.
Randy!

- Come on, Mark. Let's get out of here.
- I want to meet him.

No, you don't.
He's a bigger geek than you are.

wow!.

Curtis. I believe that Randy
has something that he wants to say to you.

Sorry about the Cheez Whiz.

Thanks. I feel much better now.

- Curtis, this is Randy's dad, Mr Taylor.
- Hi, Curtis. How are you?

- My father and I watch Tool Time.
- Good.

We really like Al.

We all like Al.

He is a geek.

See ya, female caller.

Good luck, big, bad Tim.

May I please have something to drink?

Yeah, Randy, would you
get your guest a soda?

Mrs Taylor, you look
a lot older than my mom.

How old are you?

Old enough not to answer that question.

That's what my grandma says.

Thank you. Welcome, everybody.
This is Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

and welcome to a special live edition
of Tool Time. Today on the show we're…

It's special
because we have a very special guest.

Why don't we let the audience decide
how special the guest is, Al?

I'm sure a lot of you have seen his show
and maybe read his books.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Mr Bob Vila.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

What a great audience.
A just wonderful audience.

Thank you. It's just so great
to be here on your show. Jim.

It's Tim.

- I'd like you to meet my assistant.
- Oh, Al and I've met.

- How you doing? Good to see you again.
- The pleasure is mine, Mr Vila.

- Call me Bob.
- I can't.

Well, why don't we get started.
Bob, you can sit down over here.

Before we get to our project,
we have a little friendly competition

called "Stump the Tool Man."

- Oh, that'll be fun.
- It sure will.

Now, if you have any questions
about home improvement or tools.

I want you to call 555-TOOL.

That's 555 T-O-O-L.

Why don't we go to that first caller?

- Hi. This is Clarence.
- Hi. Clarence. What's your problem?

My wife is always changing her mind
where pictures should be hung.

Hey, we can't help with that. Women can
never make up their minds, can they?

Tell me about it.

Our walls are so full of holes,
they're starting to look like Swiss cheese.

- Got any ideas?
- Oh, yeah.

I'd slap some ham on that wall
and have a sandwich.

Uh… you know, the cheese and…

Anyway, the best way to fix a nail hole
would be use joint compound.

Get a putty knife…

I really think spackle
would be a better idea.

- I agree with Mr Vila.
- I'm sure you do, Al.

Clarence, you want to use the spackle
with that putty knife

and very carefully fill in all those little holes.

Then sand them smooth and touch them
up with paint. The walls will be like new.

Well. I believe this round goes to Mr Vila.

- We're not keeping score, Al.
- I am.

Hi, there.

- Hi, this is Chet.
- Hi. Chet.

Tim. I try to catch your show
whenever I can.

- Thank you, Chet, I appreciate that.
- And, Bob, I never miss yours.

- Hey, thanks a lot.
- I'm looking forward to your new book.

Quit the chitchat. Chet,
and let's get with that question.

Well. I was wondering…
I'm remodeling my house.

and I would like to know
what was the name of that wood

that you used on the ceiling of
that old cracker house in Naples, Florida?

What?

The house we had on the show -
yeah, that was pecky cypress.

- Thanks, Bob.
- I believe that's mo points for Mr Vila.

- Well, how am I supposed to know that?
- Perhaps if you watched Mr Vila's show…

This isn't fair. We should get a question
we have an equal chance of answering.

Why… why don't we
go to a female caller?

- Hello?
- Is there a female caller there?

- Timbo, is that you? I got this…
- Is this Tim Taylor?

Do we have a female caller out there?

Randy, have you seen a piece of paper
with a phone number on it?

No. Mom.

Yes. Mother.
I'm having a very nice time.

No, our house is definitely cleaner.

Curtis, have you seen a piece of paper
with a phone number on it?

I threw my gum away in it.

Yes. Mother. She's very nice.

No, much heavier than you.

Mother? Mother?

And to make sure they line up,
it's a good idea to use a dowelling jig.

cos remember, a job worth doing
is a job worth doing right.

Goes without saying,
doesn't it, Bob?

Still waiting for that female caller.
Still waiting for that female caller.

- Hello?
- Hello. What's your name?

This is Jill - ene. Jillene.

Hello, Jill… Jillene.
What's your question?

Well, it's kind of a hard one.

Well, I think one of us
will be able to answer it.

OK.

Can you tell me the name
of a medieval wood-shaping tool?

Ooh, that's hard. Um…

Maybe you'd like
to handle this one, Bob.

I'd love to. I think Jillene's probably
thinking about something called an adze.

Nice try. Bob, but the tool you're…
How the hell did you know that?

Let's get back to our project.

As you recall, last time we were trying
to put a new doorway into an existing wall.

As you can see by our mock-up here.

we've got our jack studs in place.
Now we're gonna put our header in.

So, are you planning on using
a doubled-up mo-by-eight?

No. I'm not. Bob.

I'm thinking about using
that beefy boy over there.

a four-by-eight big piece
of American Doug fir.

Doug fir. Hm. OK.

And, folks, it's a good idea to use your
framing square at this point in the job.

cos you want to make sure this header
goes in there nice and level.

Excellent point, Mr Vila.

Yeah, there's nothing worse than trying
to hang a door in an opening that isn't true.

- How true, how true.
- Al, I was gonna get to that.

Tim?

We'll be right back
after these messages from Binford.

Cut! Cut!

Just what in the world
do you think you're doing?

You've associated the name of
Binford Tools with the killing of Bob Vila!

That's a little harsh, the word "kill", isn't it?
I winged the guy.

I started this company with one wrench
and the sweat of my brow.

I'm not about to flush it
down the crapper now.

- You don't understand.
- No, you don't understand.

I've got six daughters
and nobody wants to marry 'em.

Mr Binford, I always thought
Maureen was quite lovely.

Can it. Borland.
Doc, what does it look like?

Well, he seems to be OK.

but I think we should get him
to the emergency room to get checked out.

Good idea.
OK, Bob. Let's go.

Listen, that was just
a little ol' piece of wood that hit you.

I took a grenade during the war.

Yeah, listen. I've got a fine miter box
I want to show you, too. It really cuts the…

Well, Al. I hope you're satisfied.

- Well, what did I do?
- Well, you distracted me.

That's why I whacked him,
Mr Negativity.

I think you did this on purpose because
he beat you at "Stump the Tool Man".

Oh, come on. He didn't beat me.

You even cheated.
You had Jill call in.

That wasn't Jill.

I would never have my wife call in.

Well, you don't have to worry about that
since you'll never be married.

Al, that came out wrong.
I didn't mean it like that.

You'll have a wife one of these days.
If you don't, you'll have a girlfriend.

Somebody who really likes you.
Not just some desperate woman.

Boy, he's so sensitive.

Really? Tomorrow?

Well…

Mr Vila must be a good sport.

OK, yes, sir. I will tell him.

Goodbye.

What's going on?

Bob Vila agreed to be
on the show tomorrow.

Why? Does he want to get hit
in the head again?

No. Curtis.

Don't you think you're cooking
the carrots too long?

No. I don't. Curtis.

- I don't like them when they're soggy.
- They're not going to get soggy. Curtis.

We should have a green vegetable
with those. Zucchini would be nice.

You know what would really be nice.
Curtis? If you would just shut the…

Say it. Mom.

Randy, honey, would you take Curtis
up to your room now? Please?

All right. Let's go. Curtis.

- Oh, hi, honey.
- Hi.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

I just hope I don't hear
the name Bob Vila again.

Well, Mr Binford called.

God. What now?

Somebody has agreed to come back
and be on the show.

I'm not saying who,
but it was someone you hit with a board.

Bob Vila?

Is there somebody else?

No, Jill. I'm cutting back.
I'm just knocking out one guy a week now.

Mr Binford thinks that you should
work things out with Bob… on the air.

Work what out? It was Al's fault.
He distracted me and I hit him.

Don't get snippy with me.
I didn't hit him with a four-by-four.

It was a four-by-eight.

Oh, but you were the one that said.
"He won't know what an adze is."

Now it's my fault? I didn't say,
"Why don't you take the question, Bob?"

I have a rough day.
I come home looking for a little support.

You had a rough day? I got stuck
in this house all day with that little…

Curtis.

Mrs Taylor,
after seeing Randy's room.

I don't think my mom
would want me to eat here.

What a shame.

Well… goodbye.

It's starting to get dark.
Could someone drive me home?

Get your coat.
I better run you home.

If you're gonna drive him home,
make sure there are air holes in the trunk.

- Howdy, Wilson.
- Hi-ho, neighbor.

- What are you cooking?
- Boiling up some willow bark.

It's an old folk remedy
for a headache.

- I got aspirin.
- No.

Tim, it wouldn't be the same.

Mankind may have given me the
headache, but nature will take it away.

- Sure could've used that today.
- Mm? Bad day today?

The worst. I yell at Jill.

I insult Al, and I knocked a guest out
on my show with a four-by-eight.

- Hmm-mm-mm. That is a bad day.
- Well…

Who was your guest, by the way?

You wouldn't know him.
He's the pioneer of home repair.

Oh, you mean Bob Vila!

- You know him?
- Oh, everybody knows Bob.

I can see how a guy like that
might intimidate you, though.

He knows an awful lot about tools.

That's just it.
Why would he intimidate me?

Why does everybody think
he knows more about tools than I do?

Well, does he, Tim?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hm.

He even knew what an adze was
without cheating.

Yes, the old medieval
wood-shaping tool.

- How am I supposed to top that?
- Oh, you can't, Tim.

OK, so I go back on my show
and look like a fool again.

Tim, Tim, Tim. The first step
for greatness is humbling yourself.

Maybe you shouldn't try to have all the
answers, and instead ask more questions.

You see, Tim, a truly wise man
always has more questions than answers.

So… would that make me
wiser than you, Wilson?

Well, what do you think, Tim?

Well, we've finished putting in that door.
And something is still missing.

The light switch to our beautiful chandelier.

But before we install the light switch.
I'd like to point out another bright spot.

my assistant, Al,
who is a very special guy.

Well, thank you, Tim.

And I'd also like to mention to you ladies
that he's single and very available.

Uh, Tim, are we ready
for our special guest?

Oh, right you are, Al.

Let's welcome back to the show
a fully repaired and healed-up Mr Bob Vila.

- It's not like I'm gonna hit ya.
- I'll just hang back here with Al, all right?

fine, fine. Cos I'm a humble enough guy
to admit when I've made a mistake.

And we had a bad accident
on the show last time.

and I want to say
that I take full blame for that.

Tim. I accept your apology.
Can I go now?

Well. I was hoping you'd help us
put in the wall switch.

Well, you're the expert, Tim.
You really should install the switch.

Well. I have to be humble enough to say

that I really don't know
all there is to know about home repair.

Well, Tim, you surprise me.

Oh, come on, Al. This is Bob Vila,
the big kahuna of home repair.

I think the audience would like to see him
in action. What do you think? Come on.

Well, what the heck.

I mean, electrical work is not my strong
point, Tim, but this is pretty simple stuff.

I assume you've knocked out the hole
and fed the wires through there.

- That would be these three here.
- And then the very important thing

is to make sure they're clamped down
securely with a lock nut connector.

I was in Scotland this year,
and I actually saw the lock nut connector.

Connect away, Bob.

Tim, are you sure
you turned off the electricity?

That goes without saying, Al.

Well, now that we've said it,
have you done it?

Tim, it's your show.
I think you should install the switch.

Oh, you're the guest.
Go on, go on.

Al, would you do this? Please.

I don't think so, Bob.

Oh, come on, you guys.

- What the heck. I'll put it in.
- Go for it.

It's a simple socket switch.

Wiring is very simple.
I just thought Bob'd like to take a shot at it.

Wiring is very simple with these…
I got a little… There. OK.

Now, green, of course,
like the ground, is green.

White is hot and… No, white…

Well, hot…
What is this one here?

- Curtis is coming!
- Oh, no.

- Curtis is coming!
- Brad, get the lights. Everybody hide.

Don't make a sound.

Is anybody home?

Hello!

I saw your lights on!

My mom said I could stay overnight!

But you have to let me in first!

I know you're in there!

Hello!

He's fakin' it.

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