All language subtitles for home_improvement_S01E08

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While we let that cream softener dry,
I'm going to ask you a question.

When you're pounding those nails,

do you hit your thumb more than you hit
the head of the nail? Sure you do.

Tool tip from old Tim is
use a household bobby pin to hold the nail.

You secure it, no problem.
Al, you want to hold that for me?

The point of the bobby pin
is that you can do it yourself.

But Al, you're such an important part
of the show. I want your help.

Good reflexes, Al.
Do you play lacrosse or something?

There you go. We've set the nail.
and no one's injured any appendages.

Before we say goodbye.
we get tons of cards and letters.

and I'd like to share
a real special one with you.

Thank you, Al.

Lisa?

Here you go, Tim. Special delivery.

- This is from Rock Lannigan of Bay City.
- OK, thank you. Lisa.

Rock writes. "Dear Tim. I'm the foreman for
K&B Construction Company in Bay City."

"My crew and I watch you all the time:'

"We love your clothes, especially the
Italian look with the triple-pleated slacks."

Thanks, fellas.

He goes on to say:

"Anyway, my crew and I put in
a damn hard American day's work.

and we get tired of eating a cold lunch
out of a metal pail." And who wouldn't?

"So we did something about it."

"We started cooking hot gourmet meals
on the job site using the tools of the trade:"

"Me and the boys call this
'cooking a meal with power and steel'"

This was an inspiring letter.
A very inspiring letter.

So inspiring. I invited these guys from
K&B Construction down here to Tool Time

to demonstrate
cooking a gourmet meal on the job site.

So don't miss us next time
when we will do cooking with what?

More power!

You're right.
See you next time.

Hey. Dad, they just vaporised
the whole building.

- Did they get the general yet?
- Yeah, just now.

I missed my favorite part - that's where
they suck the blood out of his head.

You're not watching
Red Planet Death again?

No, honey, no. This is
Madame Butterfly.' the Backstage Look.

- What are you looking for?
- Jalapeño peppers.

I'm going to make up some of that four-star
Happy Trails rootin'-tootin' chilli of mine.

I don't know about the rootin'.
but there'll be plenty of tootin'.

Just consider yourself lucky
I'm not making my rip-roarin' chilli.

- Mom, look what I colored for you.
- Ohh!

Honey, that's beautiful.

That's some good-looking airplane.

It's not an airplane. It's Mom.

I… I thought those were propellers.

They are.

- We're going to the park.
- Can I come with you?

- No. You're not coming with us.
- Hey, hey! Hold it there.

There is no reason that
you can't take him with you.

Mom, we don't want people to know
we have a geek for a brother.

Brad, take your brother
to the park with you.

All right.

Get your coat, doofus.
We'll meet you out here.

Jill, where is that Happy Trails
chilli cookbook of mine?

Why do you need a cookbook? You're
just gonna dump in whatever you want.

I want to throw the book in there. Maybe
those pages will soak up the extra oil.

Mom. Brad and Randy left without me.

Those little snakes. Here.
I'll take you to the park myself, honey.

That's OK.
I'll just go upstairs and play with my trucks.

What are we gonna do about Brad
and Randy? They keep tormenting Mark.

That's why we had Mark.
So they'd leave us alone.

You just don't know
the kind of things that they do to him.

Like, a couple of days ago. I made him
a chunky peanut-butter sandwich.

and they told him that the chunks
were ground-up rat bones.

So? Older brothers torment younger
brothers. It's the way of the world.

I did it to my younger brothers. This kid's
gotta learn how to deal with this by himself.

I don't believe that older brothers have a
special privilege to be obnoxious little pigs.

No. I think that you and I should
get together as a parental unit

and have a nice long talk with
Brad and Randy about their behavior.

These are kids without
central nervous systems, all right?

- We have to learn to out-torment them.
- I see. Stoop to their level?

Exactly.

You want to teach
Brad and Randy a lesson?

Tonight, when I'm cookin' that chilli.
I'll cut up this cauliflower.

and we'll tell them
we've got rabbit brains in there.

No, we're gonna talk to them.

We'll tell them how much
they're hurting Mark's feelings

and how much that behavior
disappoints us.

And if that fails…

old Peter Cottontail
hops right into that chilli.

Come on. Mom.
We want to go back to the park.

Boys, sit down.
Your mom has something to say to you.

I believe that we have something
that we both want to say to them.

Yeah, right.

OK, whatever your mom is saying.
I'm saying it.

Just she's the one saying it, which doesn't
mean I'm not saying what she's saying.

Say what I'm saying.

You guys promised Mark that
you would take him with you to the park.

and then you ran off and left him here.

- We waited in the yard. He never came.
- You waited five seconds.

- You didn't say how long we had to wait.
- Don't get smart.

Hey. I think you're missing the point here.

We are a family.
If one of us is hurting, we're all hurting.

If you hurt Mark's feelings, you hurt my
feelings and your father's feelings. Right?

Right.

And Tim. I think you have something
that you want to say here.

- You guys like cauliflower?
- Tim!

All right, all right, all right.

However much fun you think it is to
torment your younger brother, it's wrong.

But Dad, what about all those terrible
things you did to Uncle Steve?

- He's your younger brother.
- Uncle Steve is a major pain in the…

- This is different.
- Why?

Because Steve knew I was kidding.
that's why.

Well, then why doesn't he come
to any family reunions?

- Because he lives so far away.
- No, he doesn't. He just lives…

Hey, hey. You know…

We're not talking about your Uncle Steve.
We're talking about you mo.

That's right.

And we want you to start treating Mark
the way that you would like to be treated.

You know, that old golden-rule thing.

OK. We're sorry.

- Honey?
- Yeah?

- What are you doing?
- Looking for something to put that chilli in.

How about a trash bag?

I'm looking for that big pot
we take on cookouts with us.

Oh, OK. You know, I think that our talk
with Brad and Randy really helped.

Cos they've been really nice to Mark
for almost an hour.

Whoa!

Look at this thing. That old strobe light
I had in my dormitory room.

- Very groovy and far-out, man.
- And it wasn't even on half the time.

Whoa!

All these old eight-track tapes.

"In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"

In-a-gadda-da-vida, baby

OK, smart guy.
Who sang "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"?

I just was.
In-a-gadda-da-vida…

Who sang "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"
so people wanted to hear it?

You are an evil woman.

"Evil Woman", sung by
Electric Light Orchestra, 1976.

- Lucky guess.
- Luck! Not luck, skill.

All right, brainiac.

Who sang "Play That funky Music"?

Wild Cherry. Also 1976.
Released on the Epic label.

- Come on.
- "Come On". Tommy Roe, 1964.

- Stop.
- In the name of love

Supremes, 1965.

Let's face it - when it comes to this song
title stuff. I am the high priestess of pop.

- Well. I'm pretty good myself.
- Oh, yeah?

Name the first song
that we ever slow-danced to.

What?

Name the first song
that we ever slow-danced to.

- I'm waiting.
- Give me a minute. Give me a minute.

- We were at the Glitter Ballroom.
- Mm-hm.

We were dancing close.
You had an angora sweater on.

- doused in Shalimar or something.
- Yeah. Yeah.

I had just the right amount
of Jade East on.

- Our bodies were pressed close.
- Tim, what was the name of the song?

Did it have the words
"cold shower" in it?

No. But if you think of the song.
I'll be upstairs.

"Touch Me in the Morning". Diana Ross.

I'll touch you in the afternoon
if you think of the name of the song.

I remember the song that we heard in the
back of my Corvair steaming the windows.

So do I. "The Minute Waltz."

- Throw it to me.
- Forget it. You got us in trouble.

Mom said you're supposed to
be nice to me.

You see Mom anywhere in this back yard?

Now get lost.

But you've got to play with me.
We're brothers.

We're not your brothers.

Yes, you are.

I'm gonna let you in on a secret.

We're aliens from outer space.

You're a big fat liar, Randy.

My name isn't Randy.

It's Zelnot.

I'm Zorton.

No, you're not.
You're Brad and Randy.

No.

Brad and Randy are gone.

We sucked the blood out of their brains
and took over their bodies.

We have many powers.

We can read minds.

No, you can't.

I'll prove it.

- Zorton.
- Talk to me. Zelnot.

I'm thinking of a number
between one and ten. What is it?

- four.
- That's right.

How'd you do that?

I'm telling Mom and Dad.
You're in big trouble.

Hey.

They're not your mom and dad.

They're aliens too.

- Are not.
- Are too.

Our spaceship's coming
to pick us up tonight.

Yeah. And we're gonna leave you here
all alone for the rest of your life.

- You don't scare me.
- Hold it.

You better walk backwards
until after we leave tonight.

Why?

Because aliens can't suck your blood
if you're walking backwards.

Yeah. Our real lips are
in the back of our heads.

- Mark, what are you doing?
- Nothing.

Why are you walking backwards?
You could hurt yourself doing that.

Better than getting
all my blood sucked out.

- He's got a good point there.
- Have you been talking to your brothers?

- What have they been telling you now?
- They said you're all from outer space.

Honey, you know that's not true.

Jill, sometimes you wake up
early in the morning, and you look…

They said you have lips
in the back of your head.

Jill, sometimes you wake up early…

Mark, come here. Come here.

Now. Look here.
Do you see any lips there?

- Not really.
- There. See?

You have got to stop
listening to those mo.

Come here and give me a hug.

You want to go and get yourself
some Earth juice?

Yeah.

Aliens. Those guys never stop.
I give up.

It's time for the master tormentor
to take over.

If you want to torment them.
you should just ground them with no TV.

Ha!

That would be a penalty for earthlings.
We need a penalty suitable for aliens.

OK. I am behind you. I think.

Are you gonna make
Brad and Randy say they're sorry?

Well, you have mo choices.

We could make them apologize
or we could get even.

- Get even.
- That's my boy.

Last time. I promised
construction-site cooking.

That's why I invited the guys
at K8B construction down to the set.

Rock Lannigan.

Dwayne Hoover and Pete Bilker.
How you doing, Pete?

- Hi, Tim.
- Nice beard.

Thank you, Tim.
I grew it because of Al. He's my hero.

Yeah, mine too.

- Rock, what have you got for us today?
- I'm a riveter. I work up on the high steel.

And. I'll tell you, it makes it darn hard
to get a hot lunch up there.

But I've come up with an easy way to make
a delicious grilled-cheese sandwich.

You hear my stomach growling?

You're gonna love this one, Tim.
The fellas call it "cheddar ȧ la Rock".

I use only sharp Wisconsin cheese.

because, after all.
in Wisconsin, cheese is cheese.

American cheese from American cows.

Look out!

I spread on a generous dollop
of oleo with my trowel.

Then I take the cheese
and I stick it between the bread.

Good place for it.

And then I…

Tim, I kind of hate
to give this little secret away.

Come on, Rock, let it go.
It's a Tool Time crowd.

All right, all right. Pete.

I sprinkle on a little oregano
for flavoring.

- And then I fire it up.
- What do you use to heat that with?

That's one of the secrets of cooking on
the job site. I go straight for my blowtorch.

And that's no ordinary blowtorch.

That's a Binford 3000
Turbo Ignition Switch torch.

You betcha, Tim.

See, the trick - you got to toast it
nice and evenly on both sides

so that you seal in
that delicious Wisconsin flavor.

Try that, Timmy.

It's hot.

Might want to let that cheese
cool down a little bit there.

Thanks, Al.
Dwayne, what do you have for us?

You know. I'm out on the job site, way out.

nowhere close to
your ordinary kitchen utensils.

So I got to improvise.

Now, this here is the dipstick
off my '87 mo-ton pickup.

With this. I make my southern specialty.
shish-ke-billy-bob.

Now..

The important thing to remember, Tim,
before you start cooking.

is to get all that oil off your dipstick.

Now… I like to alternate
my meat and my vegetables.

- How do you feel about that, Al?
- I'm still thinking about that dipstick, Tim.

I prefer to use USDA Choice cube steak.

pearl onions, green peppers.

and just a touch of
summer squash for Color.

No need to make mealtime
a drab affair, huh, Tim?

Perish that thought. Dwayne.

Now, for the seasoning.
I turn to my assistant. Pete.

That would be me.

I like to lightly dust the kebab with…

just a hint of sage
and some tarragon.

- Well. I prefer rosemary, but…
- Dwayne, rosemary's much too harsh…

Pete, this is neither
the time nor the place.

Now, ordinarily, Tim, I would wrap this
in tinfoil and put it on a hot engine.

But we don't have time for all that.
Hold that, Al, will you? Thank you.

Now. Pete's got one… Pete's got one
all cooked up and ready for us to taste.

- There you go, Tim.
- Give that a whirl.

Yeah. How do you like that?

This is delicious.

I detect a hint of 10W-30
on that thing, though.

- Dad. Dad, Brad and Randy are coming.
- All right, son. All right.

The master tormentor is ready to
teach them a lesson they'll never forget.

The spaceship will be here any minute.
You know the plan. Get out of here. Go, go!

OK, this is gonna be great.

First we'll get him down on his knees,
then we'll get him to close his eyes,

then we'll sneak back in the house
and lock him out.

Look, he's out there waiting for us.
What a geek.

Mr Zelnot, where's the spaceship?

- It'll be here in mo minutes.
- You have to wait over here.

And remember, when your mom and dad
come out, say goodbye real fast.

But don't hug them.
or your arms will melt.

Yeah. Now get down on your knees
and close your eyes.

And whatever you do, don't move.
or your skull will cave in.

- What is it?
- I don't know.

The other door.

Help. Mom! Let us in!

Well…

I think the master tormentor has done his
job. And now I have a little surprise for you.

You remembered.

- Harry Nilsson. "Without You".
- That's right.

I'd be a whole lot happier.

I'm just kidding.

The master tormentor
is now the master rememberer.

Tell me something. Did you do all of this to
teach them a lesson, or just cos it was fun?

- What do you think?
- I don't think they learned a thing.

I think you're wrong. I think those boys
learned a valuable lesson.

They won't be messing with anybody
for a long time.

Back to bed, boys.

Those kids look a lot like
your side of the family.

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