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WHEN I WAS DEAD A comedy in three acts.

The husband: Ernst Lubitsch.

The wife: Louise Schenrich.

Mother-in-law: Lanchen Voss.

Mr Ernst Lubitsch,

We shall await you this evening for the Championship Tournament.

The Chess Club.

You're staying here.

At the chess club.

One o'clock in the morning.

Apparently someone once died playing chess.

Finally.

Checkmate.

He's in for some fun now.

Sleep, little one, sleep.

In my house, I'm the one who wears the trousers.

Those aren't trousers, they're long johns.

Dear husband,

I don't wish my life to be soured as a result of your passions,

so it is probably best that we divorce.

One of us must leave the house by the end of the day.

Louise.

Dear husband, I don't wish my life to be...

You know where the door is, don't you?

Chop chop.

Dear wife,

When you read these lines I will no longer be among the living.

Adieu for ever! Yours, Ernst.

Moritz Verbinder, Marriage Agency

At the marriage broker.

Do you have anything in stock?

Come to Kaiser Café tomorrow afternoon.

I'll introduce my daughter to you there.

All this gadding about is really rather pointless.

What have you ever done for me?

An intelligent young man

is sought as a valet in a noble house.

Enquire at: 117 Hohenzollerndamm.

That's my house.

You're hired.

This could be lovely.

Ernst begins work.

Entrance for servants and delivery men.

I like this man.

The old lady is just jealous.

May I introduce myself to the untidy lady?

Do you have any old clothes to sell?

Twenty-five marks for the lot.

Throw this picture in the bin.

WHEN I WAS DEAD Act III

The new candidate is expected at dinner.

Our guest will sit here.

Let him wait.

My blessed husband.

After the meal.

A few days later.

Ernst must pick up his mother-in-law from the theatre.

Tell nobody about this.

If you do, I shall never recover from the shame.

Only if you leave here immediately

and never let us set eyes on you again.

Make like a banana and split.

The next morning.

Didn't you know you've been dead for ages?