All language subtitles for When We First Met (2018) eng

November 1, 2017

Hi. Sorry to interrupt.

I just wanted really quickly to
say thank you so much for coming

and for sharing such
a perfect evening with us.

It's been so perfect

that I think the only day
that could possibly rival it

is the one that resulted in all
of us being here in the first place.

And that night was
exactly three years ago today.

And it was on that night that I knew
I had met someone really, really special.

Aw.

It was the night
when we first met.

When We First Met

October 31, 2014
# I'm sexy and I know it

# I'm sexy and I know it

Excuse me.

Whoa, Black Elvis.
It's a good song.

Oh. Cool.
Going to Coachella?

Excuse me. Coming through.
What is she dressed as?

Whoo-hoo!
- Hey, watch it, buddy!

Whoo! Hulk smash!

Are you okay?
- Oh, my God. I think so.

You are A League of Their Own, right?

Yeah.
- I love that movie.

Okay. What character am I?

I'm getting, like,
a Tom Hanks vibe from you.

No?
- No. I'm Dottie Hinson.

I'm Geena Davis's character.

Okay, that makes more sense.
- Are you my lesbian cousin Shannon?

Yes. I was gonna ask if you
wanted to join my softball team.

I have a second guess.
- Who?

Are you Garth?
- Excellent!

You know, the key to
doing a good Garth impression

is to make your mouth
into a tiny little butthole.

That was good.

Noah.
- I'm Avery.

It's nice to meet you.

So, what is
your favorite drink?

Grapefruit juice with vodka
and three maraschino cherries.

Okay. Where are you from?

All over the place.
Kind of an army brat.

I don't really like that term,
but that's what they call it.

Well, I was a regular brat,
and I still don't like that term.

Let's see it.

Okay, so, it's
a work in progress.

Okay. All right.
- It's not totally done.

Ta-da!

Oh, it's good!
- You hate it.

It looks drunk, admittedly.

You're quite the
artist. - Thank you.

See what's going on over there

between Sexy Grumpy Cat
and the hipster Where's Waldo?

Look, they're gonna fall in...

Oh-ho! Now watch.
Everyone's gonna jump in.

Let's party! Whoo!

Whoo!

Maybe not. - Wow. Now
they're making out in the pool.

That's kind of tacky.
Wait. I think I know that guy.

His name is Patric with no "K."

That's a bad name.
- We went on one date.

He literally spent the entire
time teaching me about sea turtles.

Well, at least you
know someone here.

I just came with
my roommate, Carrie.

And there she is, making
out with Jell-O Shot Doctor.

Hey, do you
wanna get out of here?

Yeah.
- Yeah?

Do you like jazz?
- Do I like breathing?

God, this place is so awesome.

How'd you find out about it?

Well, I kinda know
a guy that works here.

Ooh!
- It's me.

I'm that guy.
- Yeah.

Did you get that?
- I got that, yeah. Yeah.

Actually, I am the piano man...

who's got magic hands.

Oh, my God!

So, is there anything
you'd like to hear? - Mmm.

Do you know
any Count Basie?

Whoa! You are a jazz fan.

I am, mm-hmm.
- Wow. I love Count Basie.

I'm more of an
Oscar Peterson fan. - Okay.

His friends call him "OP"
for short. Do you know him?

No. - He's dead,
so you can't know him.

Well, I appreciate a guy
who knows his music history.

In that case, sit back and relax
and enjoy this Count Basie classic.

Okay.

# Well

# You know you
make me wanna shout

# Kick my heels up and shout
Throw my hands up and shout

This is not Count Basie!

# Now don't forget
to say you will

# Don't forget to say
Yeah-yeah

# Say you will
Say it right now, baby

# Come on, come on

# Say you will

# Say it right now

# Oooh-ooh

# Say that you love me
- # Say

# Say that you need me

# Say that you want me
You wanna please me

# Say
- # Come on now

# Say
- # Come on now

# Say, say
- # Come on now, come on now

Uh-oh! Piano solo!
You said piano solo, didn't you?

Oh, my God!
New mission! - What's up?

Okay, okay. Hey, do not
forget to tip your piano man!

This is gonna be great.

All right.

These things
are so much fun.

Ready? Okay.
- Yep.

No boring high school
yearbook poses. - What do you mean?

The whole point is to do
something different in every photo.

I'm smiling.

I know this might
come as a shock to you,

but I've never actually
taken a photo booth photo.

What? - Yep.
I'm a virgin.

So be gentle with me, please.

Virgin, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, not anymore.

Come on.
This is the best part.

So we just stand out
here and wait? - Shh. Listen.

There's real film
developing in there.

It's the sound of history.

How we lookin'?

Well, your technique
could definitely use some work.

But you're cute.

Hmm? - Come on.
Let's do it again.

Yeah, okay.

So, this is it.

Wow.
- Yeah.

Your place is... is incredible.

Honestly.
- Thanks.

Really? You've got one?

Yeah. Why? Do you play?

Oh, do I play?

Oh, you are so
dead. I am a master.

Really? You're a master.
Okay. - I am. Ready?

No! Don't spin it! - Is that
a rule? I've never heard that.

Yeah, that is a rule.

Aah!
- Ohh! Laser!

One step closer.

That's what you
get for cheating. I win.

Whoo! Crowd goes wild!

Mmm. I haven't had
Cookie Crisp in, like, ten years.

Oh. Best late-night food ever.

It's the best.
- Mm-hmm.

So then I got the
job at the piano bar,

and the first night
playing was just amazing.

So I dropped out of
business school the next day.

You know what they say. Do what you
love, you'll never work a day in your life.

Yeah, super-super-poor
people say that.

Can I get you
another refresher? - Yeah.

Oh. She's gulping it down.
- A little bit more. Thank you.

Who's this?
Is this your grandma?

Oh, no, that's actually Dorothy.

She lives at the retirement
home I did a fund-raiser for.

I organize
benefits for charities.

So, like kids,
the elderly, animals.

You name it, I do it.

Who are you?

# You know,
you know, you know

# That you do

And that was it.

That was the moment
I knew that it was love.

To Ethan and Avery!

Cheers!

Yeah. I'll take
one. Thank you.

Mmm.

I'm gonna need two.

Ah.

Oh, a little boost.

Excuse me.

I'm gonna go.
- Yeah.

Thank you.
I'll be right back.

It burns!

Hey, Noah!

Noah?
- Hey.

Hey, you okay in there?
- Not so good.

My Aunt Cindy said you puked
on her a little bit as you walked by.

She puked on me first.

Okay, I'm coming in.

Okay? - Oh, I
wish you wouldn't.

I'm coming in.

Hey.

How are you?

You dying in here?
- I'm...

I'm... so good.

You hit the
open bar too hard.

You think this is about...

drinking?

This was about...

food poisoning.

Taquitos.

Or the seven-layer dip.

Why so many layers?
You don't need seven.

Ethan. - Noah.
How you feeling, buddy?

Oh, so good.
I'm so glad he's here now.

Got you a
Vitaminwater, some saltines.

I got Pepto chewables in the glove
box. Let's get this stuff in your system.

Mmm, yeah. Thank you.

You are a peach.

Oh. What are these, crackers?

Mm-mm-mmm. Mmm!

Feel better already.
- Awesome.

Let me know if
you need anything else.

Baby, by the way,
that speech? - Yeah?

It was beautiful.
- Thank you.

Everybody in the room was
so moved. - I was so nervous.

I love you so much.
- I love you.

Also, my parents want to team up for
that Skype call whenever we have a chance.

So, um, just meet
me at the laptop?

Yes. I'll be right there.
- Okay.

Feel better.
Okay? - Mm-hmm.

Keep your head up.

Okay.

You wanna go maybe
walk around a little bit?

Just really slowly.
Careful, careful. - I'm fine.

Okay. Okay.
- These aren't good.

Candid.

That's a candid.

Candid.

Hey, Carrie.
- Hey, hon.

Noah. Haven't
seen you in forever.

Hey, Carrie. - I've got
a shoot tomorrow morning.

So I was wondering,
cool if I can leave a little early?

Maybe you can take Noah home.
He's a little... He shouldn't be driving.

I'm fine.
- Candid.

You don't look fine.
You look like shit.

You know, uh, honestly,
I... I'll take an Uber.

Cool.
- Hey, Avery!

Oh. Yeah. One second.

Um, really? Are you sure?

Yeah. I... I'm actually not...

Feel better, okay?
Thank you. Bye, Carrie.

Bye.
- Bye.

Ooh. That had my Uber on it.

You really are a mess.

All right, fine. Let's go.

Oh, they're so beautiful.

Let's go, train wreck.

Mm-hmm.

You stole an
Avery-Ethan plate? You dork.

Candid!
- You delete that. Okay?

Don't want any evidence
that this ever happened.

Nope. Sorry.

I photograph weddings for a living.
Capturing misery and regret is what I do.

Perfect. - What is
your deal tonight anyway?

It's kind of a long story,
so I'd rather not get into it.

Yeah, okay. Cool.

Oh, you don't want to hear it?

Yeah, 'cause I don't
want to tell you. - Okay.

Fine. I'll tell you.

All right?

Frickin' drag it out
of me, why don't you?

It has to do with the fact that I'm...

in love with Avery.

Are you serious?

Why would you go to a party
celebrating their engagement then?

I guess I just wanted
to prove that I could do it,

that I'm not gonna spend my life
obsessed over the fact I missed my shot with her.

You're doing great with that
so far. - You know what, Carrie?

I am.

I am, considering the facts,

and I'll be doing even
more better when I find my...

Dignity?
- Oop!

Oh!

Jack Daniel's.

Okay.
- The nectar of the gods.

You're a real sad
sack of shit right now.

Can I tell you a story?

Has to do with when
Avery and I first met.

Just give me the abridged version.

It all started three
years and one day ago.

The year was 2014.

A time filled with hope and dreams.

I can still remember
the exact pitch of her laugh.

That's not how it happened.
- I think you're mistaken.

No, I was at that party.

I was just... preoccupied.

Wait. Where are we?

We are at my home, sister.

No, this is a bar. I'm not your...

Oh, I'm dr...
- Noah, get back in.

Oh!

Je...
- You okay?

I'm fine.
- Jesus Christ.

No, I'm not Jesus Christ,
I'm Noah. - Oh. Okay.

Get in the truck.
- No, I need to keep my buzz going.

Get... Oh!

I'll take it.
- Seriously?

Think you should sit down.

Sorry. So sorry.

There's my friend Max.
- Noah!

Oh, my God, you are drunk.
Gotta get you some help. Excuse me.

Can we get some ginger whiskey,
a blueberry Red Bull, and who is this?

You didn't pick up an escort,
did you? You are very lovely.

Hey, I'm Max.
- And I'm leaving.

I have a photo shoot
in Lafayette Park tomorrow morning.

That's where I take my wedding photos.
'Cause I am a photographer, not an escort.

What a coincidence, 'cause my
office actually overlooks that park.

Oh, yeah! That big dumb
building full of douche bags.

Yeah. I'm the vice
president of the douche bags.

You're obviously in great hands.
- No, no, no, no, no.

You gotta hear
the rest of the story.

'Cause this is the
part that gets truly tragic.

You know when you are
about to fulfill your destiny?

I waited too long,
and then I got hugged.

You're so awesome.
- Mmm.

Oh, this is so nice to have a
good guy friend, I can't even tell you.

I left never knowing
what went wrong.

Bye!
- Bye.

But I figured I would at least
get a second chance with her.

Until fate...

kicked me in my ball
sack the very next day

when she met Ethan.

Can I help you with that?

And you know why
she needed more cereal?

Because I ate all of her Cookie Crisp.

Like a... chubby, nine-year-old slob.

Wow. Your mental recollection
of that moment feels super-accurate.

Ethan has nothing on you.
- He kinda does.

He's, like, the nicest guy ever.
- He's, like, Mormon nice.

But that night, me and Avery,
we had something, and it was real.

We bonded. We were
laughing. And she said I was cute.

Okay, "cute"?
You're clinging to "cute".

Noah, my little brother's cute.
That doesn't mean I wanna have sex...

I'm not...

You get it.

I get that you have sexual
thoughts about your little brother,

and I also get that you're mean.

You can tell that I'm in
an emotional state right now.

Noah, relationships are all about
energy and attraction and intangible things,

things beyond your control.

Okay, you may be a great guy,

but you were never
gonna be that guy to Avery.

I just think it's, you
know, time to move on.

I've been telling him for three
years. You have something on your lips.

Let me get it with mine.
- Does that ever work for you?

Yes.
- It does, yes.

And with that,
Max can take it from here.

Feel better, Noah.

It was lovely meeting you, by the way.
We'll talk soon, at dinner or something.

Doubtful.
- She's right.

Why would Avery ever want
to be with me? Look at me.

Look at me, Maxie.
I got a Play-Doh face.

People love your Play-Doh face.

I got a disgusting face.

Noah, I hate seeing you like this.

Let's get you out
of here. On your feet.

Whoo!

Oh! Oh!

Help me help you.

Ooh, here's a tip.
Here's a tip from my tip jar.

Don't fall in love!
She's gonna rip your heart out!

So sorry about my friend.

You okay? You all right?

Focus. Focus.
- Where are we going?

I'm gonna go score
us a ride. Just sit tight.

Um... Okay.
- What are you doing?

I'm... Okay, look...

I'm sitting tight, baby!
- All right! Sit tight!

Oh. My old friend the photo booth.

Let's give her a spin.

Yeah, still have
these after three years.

You truly are a sad sack of shit.

If only I could have a chance...

to do everything different,

I could be the kind
of guy she would want.

I could be exactly the kind
of guy Avery would end up with.

Oh, son of a bitch.

Mmm.

What a crazy dream.

Hey, little witch.
Halloween was two days ago.

Piss off.

What the hell?

Halloween lasts a week now?

It's good to be a kid today.

All right, 75 cents, your
change. There you are. Thanks.

Could I get a big-ass bottle of
Advil and a blueberry Red Bull, please?

No problem.

Hey, um...

Could you tell me what
day it is? - It's Halloween.

Yeah, but, I mean... Halloween...

has definitely already happened, so...

And what year is it?

It's 2014.

Now, do you need anything else?

Yeah.

Okay, uh...

you know...

could I just get my blueberry
Red Bull so I can get going?

Red Bull doesn't make
a blueberry flavor though.

Just makes one flavor. Red Bull.

That's their flavor. Red Bull.

Red Bull... Red Bull...

Holy shit.

You all right?

Ohh!

Hey, where you going, man?

Max! Excuse me.

Hi.

Hey. Max? No? You know Max?

Max!

Yo. Over here.

Corporate Asset Management.
Please hold.

I gotta talk.
- And I gotta listen.

But you got 15 seconds, tops.

Something unexplainable
is happening to me, Max.

Look at all these papers. They all
have the exact same date on them.

Where am I?

How did I get here?
What is happening to my life?

Did I not tell you the day
you dropped out of business school

something exactly like this
was gonna happen to you?

Exactly like what?
- Like a quarter-life crisis.

No.
- Yeah, you are.

How many times did I tell you I could talk
to my boss and he would offer you a job?

You and I, we're supposed to be the Anna
and Elsa of the corporate assistant game.

From Frozen?
- Max, I need my Diet Sunkist, yeah?

Five minutes ago, dummy.

Of course you can have a playdate at
Julie's house, sweetie. Go, shit-weasel!

I'm on it, sir. He's a sweetheart.

But you're not an assistant.
You're a vice president.

Not yet.
- You are though.

Okay, I'm working there.

Costigan assured me that within
three years and an attitude for gratitude,

I'll be at the top.

I'm investing in myself.
See this watch? Guess how much that cost.

$25,000.

Good guess. Wow, you know quality.

I bought it cash. Well, one percent
down. The rest is on extended layaway.

But it's a Breitling.
It's so expensive.

Don't even know how to
pronounce it. Not too much.

I don't want to be too jacked, but
I want to be able to tell time with ease.

Oh, my God.

It's her.

That's good! There you go!

All right, give me a natural one.

Cheese!

You guys are gonna love
these in 30 years. Oh, yeah. Classic.

Hey! Hey!
- There we go.

Uh, no. Reception's that way, buddy.

No, you know me.

Nice try. - I know
that your name is Carrie.

You're Avery's best friend.

It was just last night
I was puking in the bathroom.

I almost passed out in your
truck. That truck right there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, Noah, what are you doing?

She's being weird, man.
- I'm so sorry.

You have to excuse my friend.
He gets weird when he's hitting on chicks.

Wait. Don't I know you?

From Instagram!
What's your handle? It's, um...

@CarrieGoFYourself.
- Great.

Mmm. - No, no, you
guys know each other.

It was last night.
We hung out at the piano bar.

Right after Avery's engagement par...

You guys...

I feel like I'm going crazy right now.
Like, what's happening? Am I crazy?

Seriously, dude, she
said get lost. - What?

Okay, weirdo? This is my day.

I said get lost.
- Wait a second.

If you don't know me
and you don't know her,

that means that last night...

just... just didn't happen.

Which means that...
that tonight didn't happen.

So I still have a chance to
meet her before she meets him.

And then all that means

is that I just
traveled back in time!

Okay, Noah, seriously, stop.

Don't do this. You
sniffing paint? - Okay, no.

Listen, I'll explain it later to everyone.
I'm gonna tell everybody about this.

But right now I
have someone to meet.

I'll talk to you soon.
- Wait, what do you...?

Oh, my gosh.

What an animal, that one, right?
I'm Max. We can talk about it all over dinner.

Piss off.
- Okay.

I'll DM you later, CarrieGoFYourself.

My apologies. Give me
a natural look. Just kidding.

# I gotta get back in ti... i... ime

Up top!

Whoo!
# Back in time

Whoo!

# Gotta get back in time

What is the plan?

Not Garth. He is too cute.

So what would Ethan wear?

Mmm.

Tonight calls for something

a little more... debonair.

Count Basie.

Searching "Count Basie."

d I'm sexy and I know it d

Dottie Hinson!
If it isn't the cutest catch...

Nope.

I'm Angus Young. AC/DC.

No? d I been thunderstruck d

God! I feel like a damn dinosaur!

Worst Halloween ever!

Mistaken identity.
Thought you were someone else.

Oh.

Oh, God, it's Carrie. Shit.

Uh... Oh! Hey, Jell-O Shot Doctor!

Yo, hey, Doc!
- Hey.

No, I'm good with that, thanks.
See that girl in the basketball jersey?

She was like,
"I'm super into that doctor over there."

Really?
- Yeah.

Figures. I am on it!

Okay.

Hey!

Okay.

How are you?
- I'll come back.

Okay.
- Yeah.

No pressure here.

Just use everything
that you've learned about her

to make her fall in love with you.

You're like a spy, Noah.
You're like a love spy.

You're like a sophisticated,
charming, sexy, not-at-all-creepy,

international... Uh-oh.

Hey, watch it, buddy!
- Whoo!

Hulk smash!

You must be Dottie Hinson.

Yeah.

Ashby.

Noah Ashby.

So, what's your favorite drink?

Mine is grapefruit juice

with some vodka and
exactly three maraschino cherries.

That's my favorite drink too.

That's insane.
- What?

It's like we have some sort of...

cosmic connection or something.

I guess that means something.

I don't know.

You know, I forgot to ask
you earlier, where are you from?

You forgot?

Uh, yeah.

I'm kind of from
all over the place.

Kind of...
- An army brat? Yeah.

I have such an
appreciation for the armed forces.

How did you know
I was gonna say that?

Just because your... your demeanor.

And you said that
you move around a lot.

So... Oh, my God.
Look at this guy.

Hipster Waldo over there.

Oh, my gosh, I think I
know him. His name is Patric.

With no "K." Yes.

Yes. You know him too?
- You know...

Oh, my God.
They're gonna fall in.

Oh, you were so spot on.

Now they're making out in the pool.

So tacky.
- I know, right?

I ran into him once at this benefit.

Oh, which one? I put on benefits.

Which bene...? Um...

It was a... Well, which
one was it? I go to so many.

It was Kids Without... Toes.

Which is a big one.

They say it's the
harelip of our generation.

That's so sad.

These kids, they can't walk very...

'Cause they don't
have toes, so th-they...

It's like they have hooves
and... That's not important.

What is important was, this
guy cornered me about sea turtles.

Sea turtles! Yes!

I was like, "Dude, I get it.

They are our most
elegant oceanic guardians."

But it's not about turtles.

It's about the toes.

Or the lack thereof, in this
case. It's so sad. It's so sad.

How do you think tonight's
going? It's going pretty good, right?

I feel a good connection
here. Do you like music?

I mean, of course you do. You like
breathing, right? Let's get out of here.

You know, I'm thinking
you look like a Count Basie fan.

Yeah, he's my favorite.
How did you know that?

I was just getting
Count Basie vibes from you.

Uh-oh. What's this
hand about to do?

You know this one?

I love this song.

You know his name
actually is William Basie?

Born in Red Bank, New Jersey.

Eventually won nine Grammys for hits
such as "Little Darlin'" and "Corner Pocket."

Of course, he did die
of pancreatic cancer in 1984.

Those are just a few small
facts, in case you wanted to know.

You know a lot about Count Basie.
- Hey, I know my music history.

This is great!

These things are
so much fun. - Okay.

This is gonna be great.
- Ready for this?

Yes.
- Pose hard.

Wow, you're really good at this.

Have you done this before?
- I'm actually 100 percent self-taught.

Wow. - Yeah. I've
never even had a lesson.

Really?
- I'm a natural.

That's amazing. - Come
on. This is the best part.

Okay.

That one is great.

A lot of first-time photo booth
couples give off an obvious "cute" vibe.

Mm-hmm. Nope.
- Not us.

Not us. We gave
off a real, authentic...

Sort of natural thing we
have between us. - Oh, sorry.

Drunken text from my roommate Carrie.

She says, "Ugh. Made out with Dr. Douche
and puked from too many Jell-O shots.

Home in two minutes to
come cry in your lap." Bad night.

She's coming here
right now? - Mm-hmm.

Okay, uh, I should... I should
actually... I'm gonna get going, 'cause I'm...

Really? She's gonna
be here in two seconds.

Okay, uh, do you have
a back door or anything?

I almost forgot.
How do you think tonight went?

If tomorrow you
were to meet a tall,

conventionally
good-looking, successful guy,

would this awesome connection we
have still be what you're most excited about?

Sorry. What?
- It doesn't matter.

Avery, you should
put a sock on the door.

I know you.
- Mm-mmm.

I know you. - I don't
know you. You're a stranger.

No, you're the freak
at my wedding shoot today.

Mm-mmm.
- You two know each other?

It's getting late, and I feel
that alcohol is an issue here.

This one seems...

This is the psycho
I was telling you about!

The one who knew me,
said he was at our house,

claimed to be some sort
of time-traveling nomad

and spent last night
in the back of my Bronco.

Seems like she's a little...

You didn't guess I was an
army brat. You already knew that.

Because you're
a stalker! - A stalker?

I knew it!
- I'm not a stalker.

I'm wearing a tuxedo.

Stalkers wear, like,
trench coats and no underwear.

And I am clearly
wearing underwear. Look.

Oh, my God!
Get out! - Rape! Rape!

Rape? Why would
you say rape? It's not r...

Carrie!
- What we have tonight...

that was cosmic, right?

Don't touch her, asshole!

"Don't touch her asshole"?

Yes, Carrie!
Hit him! Hit him!

Hit him harder!

Hit him in the balls!
Hit him in the dick!

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Whoo.

Oh, looks like today's apology day.

One sec!

Hi. Can I help you?
- Hey, man, I just...

I wanted to come by and
apologize for me at the party.

Oh, you're here
for the party. Uh, cool.

Yeah. Come on in.
We're still setting up, but, uh...

You're having another
party? - Grab a drink.

You must be one of Avery's
friends. Avery, your first guest is here.

So, you guys go to high school
together, or... Wait. Northwestern?

I'm coming.
- What?

Oh, my God.

Hi.

Oh, my God.
- What?

You know what? I'm gonna go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

It burns!

It's him!

It's who? Who?
- Carrie!

It's who?
- Oh, my God, he's back!

No, it's a misunderstanding!

Why do you keep
hitting me with trees?

That's the guy from three years ago!
That's the stalker from Halloween!

That's the stalker?

You don't understand.
We're old friends, Ethan!

How do you know my name?

How do you
know my name, stalker?

You're right. I am a stalker.

A-And I'm crazy,
and I've got a bomb.

He's got a bomb.
- You're right! I've got a bomb!

I've got a bomb!

I... It's fine. I'm sorry my bomb
threat ruined your magical evening.

Have a great life.

Yeah? You'd better come back
with more than a bomb next time, pal!

Ethan! Less than a bomb.

Less than a bomb!

Okay.

So, you woke up here.

How did you get here?

Look for clues.

Okay.

Peppermint patty. ChapStick.

A receipt?

For the peppermint
patty and the ChapStick.

Oh, my God.

The photo booth.

Oh, shit. Sorry.
- Dude!

What kind of car do
you drive? - An Impreza. Why?

Yeah, that's the one. It's getting
towed right now, so you have time. Save it.

That's my mom's car.

Well, your mom has a sick whip.

All right, come on.

Come on. Take me.
Take me, take me, take me.

Take me, take me...

Holy shit.

Oh, I owned your ass,
space-time continuum.

I traveled through time.

Max?
- Yo. What up?

Hey, what's up, man?

Uh, I know you got
a big date tonight, but...

I need your help.

Nope, that is not
what I wanted to do.

Hello?

Yeah. Hey, sorry. I don't know
why I hung up, but I do need your help.

Uh, there's this girl.
Her name's Avery, and...

We are already so late.

What if she meets another guy
before I have a chance to get there?

What are you talking
about, bro? It's gonna be fine.

And listen, I'm the one who had to
cancel on Carla, JC Penney underwear model.

Intimates, bro.
She's got an old soul.

Okay, dude, I'm serious.
You get more girls than any guy I know.

I need your help.
- You look good. Great start.

Well, thank you.
I appreciate you loaning me your shirt.

But I don't know, man. I have...

I have leather strips in my armpits.

This isn't me.
- Exactly.

'Cause Noah doesn't
get that caliber of a girl.

You gotta dress the part.
You gotta be ahead of the curve, bro.

You gotta feel it. Look at me.

"Man, what's up, girl?" Try that.

So something's funny off in the
distance, I squint, lick my lips and look at her?

And you bring the
attention back to her.

This is stupid.

It's great.

Are you doing a Joker
impersonation? - No, this is like...

It was good.
- That was... Okay.

Did you think that was bad?

I'll do it one more
time. Follow what I do.

What's up, girl?

What's up, girl?
- Um, w... we'll work on that.

You need a triple-A plan:
assertive, ambitious, asshole.

There's something about
confidence that a girl just loves.

They smell it.

Girls are attracted to guys
who know what they want

and aren't afraid to go
for it, which usually isn't you.

And I don't like this part,
but if all else fails, be an asshole.

Be an asshole? - Yeah.
Not hard asshole. Soft asshole.

I gotta be a soft asshole.
- Let me hear a soft asshole kind of dis.

Your... Your goatee's...

It... It's stupid. I've never liked it.

Okay, wait.

You have beady little satanic eyes.

Wow. That makes me doubt
myself, but in a sexy kind of way.

'Cause girls can't resist a guy
that makes 'em feel bad at first.

What are the three A's?

Assertive, ambitious, asshole.

Soft asshole.

Keep the shoulders down.
Let's do this. - Triple-A. Always there.

# Let's go

# Give it to me, baby
Do it how you do it, yeah

# It's a party,
we can do it like it's New Year's

Arr, matey. Hey.

Don't talk to him.

No, she's not in here.

I'm gonna go check outside again.
- No, no, no. You're gonna stay here.

Be cool. Don't make it seem like
you're chasing after her. Don't be a stalker.

Oh, shit. There she is.

I was supposed to stop that drunk
Hulk asshole from bumping into her.

I blew it. Great.

It's not over. Okay?
Maxie steps in now.

I'm gonna distract her friend,

the basketball player
that doesn't know how to swim.

No, she's a Dunkin' Donut.

Oh! That's good!

Yeah, it's pretty good.

Anyways, look, engage your girl.

Bring up her ex. Girls hate that.

Stay close.

Ooh! Can I talk to you
privately about something in private?

Uh, about what?
- We're gonna get her a club soda first.

And then I'll talk to you
about the private stuff.

That's clever.

Mmm!

I like that jersey.

And I am not
afraid to tell you that.

Yeah, I liked it a lot too
until the Hulk smashed it.

I think it looks
really good. - Thanks.

What, are you, like,
dressed as a tranny or something?

No! No. I... It's from a movie.

That's cute.

Yeah, I don't really dig
costumes. That's why I kinda...

You came as nothing,
which is really endearing.

Okay, bye.
- No! Wait, uh...

I'm gonna get you a drink. Okay?

Two beers, please.
- Hey, this one? Total marathon.

But the stripper out front?
Sprint. My speed. Know what I'm sayin'?

Yep. Okay, thank you
very much, Bill Cosby.

But before you go, make her
earn it. Don't just give it to her.

Yo, what's up? Me again.

So, this'll be fun.

You tell me something about
yourself, and if I find it interesting...

Ding! I'm-a give you a beer.

What? - Are you deaf?
You couldn't hear that?

You know, I think I
figured out who you are.

Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

You are a giant,
human being-sized asshole.

Thank you for the beer.
Have a great night.

Wait. Okay, wait.

Be back, girl.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, where you going?
- Anywhere that you aren't gonna be.

Ew. I hate it when
girls are this into me.

And please, do me a favor.
Don't talk to me like your ex-boyfriend.

I'm not.

If he talked to me the way you're
talking to me, I would punch him in the face.

You would?
- But you're a total stranger.

So I could probably kill
you and get away with it.

Go ahead. Shank me.
- God, I wish I could.

Do it.
- Okay, I will.

I don't believe you.
- Okay.

Whoa!

Great. Yep.

Yes, I'm fine.
Thank you. How'd it feel?

That felt really great, actually.

Can you at least
help me out? - Fine.

Here. Take my
hand. I'll help you...

Oh, my God!
- Whoo!

What the hell!

Whoo. Whoo!

You dick! - I'm the
dick? How am I the dick?

You're the one who pushed me in.
- You told me to push you in!

I told you to shank me in
the ribs for emotional closure.

You're the worst.
- You're the worst!

You're the worst.
- No, you're the worst.

Now we're the people at the
party that make out in the pool.

I don't care.

You're the worst.
- Okay, here we go.

Okay. Yeah.

You know what?
I'm gonna put a sock on the door.

No, wait. Here, just...

Here. Okay.
Bedroom's this way. Let's go.

Oh, not today, tree.

Oh-ho!

Oh, my God.

Twice. Okay.

Very good.

Mmm.
- What are you doing?

Being the big spoon.

Since when do we spoon?

Since we started
dating and fell madly in love.

What are you still doing
here? You hate sleeping over.

Okay, what's going on here?

God, please. You were
not that drunk last night.

Remember?
I texted you at midnight.

Had a shit day at work and
my mother was harassing me

about when I'm gonna
finally find a decent dude.

Which isn't gonna happen
if you and I keep doing this shit.

If you weren't so good at sex,
this would have ended a long time ago.

Wait, what's that?

We're good at sex with each...?

Oh. Yeah. Okay, that's cool.

Okay, on the count of three, what
is, like, our favorite position, sexually?

One, two, three.

Is it doggie style?

Is that our favorite?

Can you just get dressed? 'Cause I'm
busy today. You really can't stay here.

Yes, I will get dressed.

But did you want to
have morning sex real quick?

Just to get the
day started? - Here.

Don't forget
your, uh, leather pants.

Oh, my God.

I went full asshole.

Oh, great, it's you.

Oh, great, you.

What the hell is...?
Hey, what's up?

Why are you...?
Why's he here?

Hey, man. Uh,
Noah, right? Yeah.

That's right.

Haven't seen you around.
How's it going? - Mm-hmm. It's going...

How does he...?
How do you know Avery?

Uh, we're her friends,
which is more than you can say.

Why don't you take your frosted
tips, get on your "douche bag-mobile."

We'd all appreciate it.

Oh, my God.

That's what I drive now?
- Oh, I see what he's doing.

Awesome.

Sorry to keep you waiting.
I'm ready. Oh, thank you.

What are we doing? We
Crossfitting? Pilates? Hot yoga? I'm down.

Just a little park run today,
actually. That is, if Carrie can keep up.

Yeah, if Carrie can...
That's... you are... Ethan's funny.

You know, I was just actually
saying to a personal friend of mine

that I don't run in
a park setting enough.

So I'll join you guys.

Oh, okay.

Come on.
- All right. Whoo!

Let's go.
Let's go. A-let's go.

Come on. All right.

Uh... Good one, Noah.

Oh, God. Oh.
These pants are not breathable.

Ethan, you're barely sweating.

Yo. Yo. Hey, Ethan.

I'm thinking we should get to
know each other a little better, right?

You're probably
married with kids now?

Uh, single. Actually,
just got out of a relationship.

You and Stacy
broke up. I'm so sorry.

Man, she... she seemed
like the one. That's too bad.

Are you okay?

We can slow down or
take a break if you need to.

I don't need a break.
You might need a break.

In fact, I was thinking
let's... let's get physical! Yeah!

Okay. Diggin' the
energy. Let's go.

All right. Now we're talking.
Let's, uh, hurdle this thing.

Whoo. Yeah.

Good idea, Noah.
Try some harder ones.

We're going harder.
We're gonna do a harder one.

Yeah, okay. All right!

Watch the ankles.

Okay.

Here we go. Whoo!

Yeah.

Aaah. Aaah!

Quickly! Quickly!
Quickly! - Right behind you.

Ethan, you
have so much energy.

Stepping it up on
this one. - All right.

Whoo!
- Yep.

Oh!

Oh!

Yeah. Oh, that hurt.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I think I'm gonna
need some face stitches.

Are you sure?
Just looks like a little scrape.

I... I feel like it's...
it's worse than just a scrape.

I think you and Carrie should just
go ahead without me, and Avery and I...

Actually, it's not that bad.

If you guys wanna keep going,
I have a first aid kit in my truck.

I'll make sure he doesn't bleed out.
- Okay.

Thanks, Carrie.
Feel better, all right?

Yeah, feel better.
- Ice it.

Okay.
- Thank you.

Come on.

Look. Look what's happening. Right now.

She's escaping with him, and she...
she hates me.

She doesn't "hate you" hate you.

You're one of those guys
girls sleep with sometimes,

and as a result,
we wind up hating ourselves.

Okay. What can I do to change that?

You're the guy
who strolls in for a quickie,

then you disappear for two months.

What?

I have no control
over any of this.

I make a decision, and then I wake up
three years later with the consequences.

Way to take responsibility, pal.

Oh, hey, look.
Look, look, look, look, look.

I'm just trying to be the type of
guy that Avery would want to be with.

Noah, if you're
screwing with me,

I will cut your nuts off
and wear them as earrings.

Carrie, I am
being 100 percent real.

Candid.

You look like shit.

So you're saying
you're in love with Avery?

No, dude, just no.

What do you mean, "No, just no"?

Ok, all due respect, I'm pretty
sure the closest you've been to love

is taking photos of
strangers at weddings.

Oh, yeah? Well, you drink
coffee with whipped cream in it,

so I can't take
anything you say seriously.

It's comforting me.

And I know emotions
don't penetrate you,

so you wouldn't
understand how this feels.

It's not like I've never
had my heart broken before.

Well, I have a
hard time believing that,

because every time we've talked,
you've been pretty impenetrable.

Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Because this is easily the
longest conversation we've ever had.

Let's just say I learned to...

What, move on?

Yeah. Something like that.

I mean, there has to be a way that
I could prove I'm as good as Ethan is.

Those two are just buds.

Right. Yeah, buds.

Because I've been love-blocking
them since the second we met.

They're like love magnets,

and no matter what happens,
they're gonna smash into each other

over and over
and over and over.

Okay, I get it. You're
extremely threatened by Ethan.

He's stable, he's secure.

As long as I've known
Avery, she's been driven,

but, yeah, she wants the home
with the white picket fence, family.

She's a sucker for all that.
It's not really my thing.

You're absolutely right. Yes.

I have to be that guy.

It makes... It
makes perfect sense.

She wants someone
to build a future with,

and that's what Ethan
can give her that I can't.

Yet.

I could totally be that guy.

I went to business
school, for Christ's sake.

Okay, Avery. You
want something different?

I understand. Well, I'm about
to be the man of your dreams.

Come on. Let's go.

I'm ready.

Okay.

Yes.

Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.

Perfect.

Max?

I'm here for a job, my man.

You gorgeous son of a bitch.

Get in here, bro.

Yes. I'm so proud of you.
I've been waiting for this so long.

Me and you are gonna run
this place together someday.

I hope so.
- Max.

Go get my lettuce cups already.

All right. Right away, sir.

Okay, no.
You handle the mail.

Turn in my r�sum�.
I'll go get the lettuce cups, okay?

All right. Thanks, buddy.

Also, real quick.
What are lettuce cups?

Uh, it's lettuce but
in the shape of a cup.

Okay.

No, no Hulk smashing.

Hulk smash.
- No more smashing.

Hulk sitting.
That's what Hulkie's doing.

Okay, let's get
this good stuff in ya.

Let's get you hydrated before you
barrel into a crowd full of innocent strangers.

Okay? There you go.

Hulk drink.
- Yes, Hulk drink.

Good Hulk.
Doing good, Hulk.

There he is. Best
costume of the party award.

Angus Young? AC/DC?

You just made
my night complete.

Thank you so much.

For those about to rock,

we salute you.

Thank you so much for
this. Best Halloween ever!

Yes, it is.
Oh, you're still doing that walk.

Very good. Right?

So this is all
anyone really wants, right?

Someone to support
and take care of them.

Someone secure who's also, like...
like a mythically nice person

to be the rock
in their time of need.

Right?

There she is. There's
that girl I was telling you about.

Dottie Hinson.

They're calling your
name. You're on deck.

Oh, am I?
- Mm-hmm.

You are a patriotic toddler?

I am the American dream.

Are you?

Okay. I like that.
- Hey.

Do you wanna hang out, and
then get a house in the suburbs,

adopt a golden retriever,
have 2.8 kids together?

I mean, I do like dogs.

Maybe we should get a drink first.
- That's probably a good place to start.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Gar�on.
- Hey, Noah.

We'd like to order your
most expensive bottle of wine.

Ooh, you're fancy.
- Mm-hmm.

Noah, that's a $500
bottle of wine, dude.

Then we would like your most
reasonably priced bottle of wine.

So $95?

Yeah. Uh-huh. Yes.

That's perfect.
- Coming right up.

This is really nice.

You just think
this is "nice"? - Yeah.

This is gonna be one of
the best nights of your life.

I can deal with
best night of my life.

And it's starting right now.

Whoo!

Thank you.

All right. That was good.

Right now we're gonna dedicate
this next tune to my main man, Noah,

and his beautiful,
lovely new lady friend, Avery.

How did he know
your name? - Noah.

What did you do?
- We're gonna miss you around here, bro.

This entire evening
is dedicated to you.

You like Count Basie?
- I do. I love him.

Luckily, that's
basically all that Danny knows.

So what did he mean when he
said that they're gonna miss you?

I used to work here.
- Oh, you did?

Yeah, that piano
bench right there,

it's still warm to the
touch from my butt cheeks.

I got a hot butt. I don't
know if you know that or not.

No, not yet.
- You check it out?

Why would you quit
though? This place is amazing.

I'm just taking an
extended leave of absence

to live a more grown-up life.

Oh. So, like, boring?

I'm wearing a red,
white and blue onesie right now.

Do I look like the kind of guy
that would aspire to live a boring life?

No.

Very not boring.

What the hell?

What?

What, am I fat?

I'm fat now.
Great. I'm fat now.

Great, I'm fat!

This is all working out, isn't it?

Ohh...

It's comfort weight.

Oh!

Noah, you're a boss.

You have arrived.

Hi, Mr. Noah.

Hey, babe, you're up.

I'm way up. I am so up.

I missed you last night.

Oh, that is so,
so good to hear.

Mmm.

You want some breakfast?
- I would love some.

Okay.

Oh.

I love our house.
It's awesome.

It's large, you
know, yet kind of cozy.

And obviously I'm wealthy, but this
is tastefully decorated. It's not gaudy.

Are you okay?
You're acting weird.

Oh, I'm okay.
I've never felt better.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Look what came just
in time for the party tonight.

Okay.

What do you
think? Too cheesy?

That is the most
beautiful plate I've ever seen.

I love it. You're
big-spooning me. It's perfect.

And I love the
message too. "Forever"?

Oh, my God!
Look at this ring!

Oh, what?

I'm, like...

I'm a rich dude.

I know. - Oh, I
am good to you, huh?

Come in here.
- Okay.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, come on.
Mom! Dad!

Carrie. What are
you doing here?

Well, I'm not trying to win
house guest of the year or anything,

but I did pick up your
engagement photos from the lab.

Ooh. - She's a...
You're a house guest.

She lives here with us.
You're our house guest. Okay.

Oh, well...

not for very long.

Okay.

I kind of have some
really, really exciting news.

Not to one-up you, but my
gallery showing was last night,

and I sold my
entire collection of photos.

That is so exciting.
- Wow.

Congratulations.
- That is huge.

What will I do without you?

This house gets so creepy when
Noah's traveling and I'm home alone.

What? No.

No, it's not creepy.

And no one's gonna
feel alone. Not in this house.

You know what? You could
stay here as long as you want.

If it makes Avery
happy, it makes me happy.

Mmm! Goddamn,
that coffee is good!

Oh, my God.

This is my favorite car.
This is my, like, all-time fav...

Of course I would have
this car. It makes perfect sense.

Uh-oh, uh-oh.

Uh-oh, that dog's barkin'.
That dog is a-barkin'.

Right.

So you're gonna be
home on time today, right?

For the party? Of
course. Yes. I'm excited.

This is a big
deal for us. - Yeah.

Let's make
some memories. Right?

Sorry about this.
7:30 in the morning.

Yeah, here.
Don't forget this one.

You left it on your
nightstand. - I have two phones.

I know.

No, decli... All right.

Now this one. Okay.
- Incoming call from...

No, thanks.

Sorry. Uh...

Incoming call from work.
- No, I don't wanna answer.

Where's the button to...
- Incoming call from work.

I don't know how
to... No, thank you.

Incoming call from...
- Decline the call!

Hello? Anyone here?

Someone tell me where I sit?

What the...? Okay.

Hello?
- Surprise!

Congratulations, Noah.

Ever since your
first day as an assistant,

no one has worked
harder or wanted it more.

Son, you've earned this.

Earned what exactly?
- This.

Your new office,
Mr. Senior Vice President.

This is my office, huh?

Mr. Chun came from Shanghai
specifically to be here for this.

Congratulations, Mr. Ashby.
This is great news.

With our biggest accounts,
your success is our success.

It's a ton of Chinese.

Thank you so much.

I speak Chinese?!

That's so cool!

I don't even
know what I'm saying.

Well, according to
most prognosticators,

with our large-cap portfolios
outperforming this bear market...

What is Mandarin for
"Get a room, you two"?

it should elicit
fortuitous returns.

Absolutely right.

Whoo.

Holy shit! I know
some big ass words!

I don't know what you
said. Yes. You seem happy.

He's so awesome!

So I'm happy.
Is this kid great?

Let me give you a tour of the place,
Mr. Chun. Show you under the hood?

All-star.
- Thank you.

Thanks a lot, Terrence.

Thanks a lot, Darryl. Bill.
I know your names. Big Jeff.

Little Tony. Hey,
Claudette. Rob. Carl.

Thank you, Courtney.
- So great.

Sharon. She's got a
sick kid. I feel bad for her.

I don't know how I know
that. I know everyone's name.

Max! What's up,
my man? Whoo. We did it.

Yeah, "we."
Did it. Yeah.

Yes, we did.

Do you mind if I steal you from
the parade and talk to you real quick?

Uh, yeah, sure.
Come on.

Welcome to Noah's lair.

Ooh, this is sweet, dude.

Whoa.

Look what we got here.
Mr. Senior Vice President.

May I?
- You may.

Ah.
- This is cool, right?

I... am accomplished.

Yeah.
- It's pretty incredible.

Mm-hmm.
- That's cool.

Are you okay?
- Hey, do me a favor.

Can you look at this on
my back for me? - Sure.

What am I looking for? That mole?
Yeah, I'd get that checked out.

No, look for the knife you
stabbed me in the back with

when you stole my promotion.

I've been busting my ass for
three years trying to get this.

This has been my
plan, Noah. It's my plan.

What are you talking about?

That's good.

Play dumb and act like it wasn't me
who got you a job here in the first place.

Me who doctored
your pathetic little r�sum�.

I literally begged
Costigan to hire you here.

Okay. Then there has to
be something that I could do.

You know?
I'm the senior VP.

You're my best
friend... - "Friend"?

No, no, no, no.

We haven't been friends for
years. You used to be chill, really cool.

And then you turned into a
corporate ass-kissing piece of shit!

So we're what? Enemies?

Fuck you.

Oh, uh, can I borrow your pen?

Yeah.

I'll leave you two.

I lied.

Oh, my God.

It's just from stress eating.

Oh. Um, sorry to bother you, sir,
but you shouldn't be in here right now.

You're 20 minutes late for
the meeting with the Avalon execs.

You know what?
I think...

I am gonna need
an hour of personal time.

Thank you.
- Uh, it's...

That's impossible.

Closing this deal will pay for your
wedding and your honeymoon in Fiji.

I'm gonna go
to Fiji with Avery?

That would be pretty awesome.
When will this meeting be over with?

In an hour.
- Good.

Then you have your flight to Charlotte.
- I'm going to North Carolina today?

You return late afternoon,
and then you prep for...

Just let me see
that. What is this?

It says that I'm booked every
day for the next three months.

What if I bailed on that business trip
and took a very well-deserved half day?

Sir, no. You would be fired
instantly. Seriously, do not do that.

Remember Davis?
He's homeless now.

I drive by his tent on
the way to work every day.

It's kind of cute. He's got his
dog out there and everything, but...

Anyways, congrats on your
engagement. You're a lucky man.

I'd like to go over a couple of quick
scheduling changes that you've got.

Omaha on the 15th...

I made it. I made it.

So, sorry I'm late.
Have you guys seen Avery?

Sorry I'm late.
Have you seen...?

Those snacks look
good, but I can't have any.

I'm putting myself on a diet.
Have you guys seen Avery at all?

Avery's parents.
Really nice to meet you.

Meet us?
- Again.

Nice to... It's good to see you.
Honestly, it's good to see you.

Cousin Shannon.
Wow, you do look like Garth.

I could tell.

Thank you.

Wow. Okay.

Well, now that I have your attention,
if anyone has seen my beautiful fianc�e,

please let her know that her
presence is requested at the piano,

where I would
like to kick things off

with a song that I played for
Avery on the night we first met.

Ohhh.

I used to do this for a living.

# Well

# Well, you make
me wanna shout

# Shout

That's not how the song
goes at all, so let's try that again.

Is the piano out of tune? Something...

All right. A-one
more time! Hit it!

# Well

# You know you
make me wanna...

# You know

# You know you...

I, uh, must be rusty.

But, you know,
the jet lag is kicking in.

As soon as Avery joins the duet,
I feel that I will have my groove back.

Has anyone seen
Avery, by the way?

Hey, dude.

That was beautiful.
- Thank you.

I don't believe when
you say that. - Good.

Been a while since I've played.
Have you seen Avery anywhere?

She's with Ethan.

What?

Holy shit. What
happened to him?

We think it might have been
the taquitos. Right, Ethan?

So what happened?

Did your flight get
delayed, or did you hit traffic?

I am so sorry. I truly
tried to get here as fast as...

Okay, why is
he here exactly?

I'm-I'm leaving anyway.

Um, don't eat the
taquitos or seven-layer dip.

Poor thing, wait. You wanna
lay down on our bed for a minute?

I think he wants to
probably lay down in his own bed.

Here. Here you go, big guy.

We'll get you some fresh
air, some Pepto chewables.

I have 'em in the glove
compartment, so I'll take him.

Are you sure? But you just got here.
I'm sure everybody wants to say hi.

Maybe Carrie can take
him home. - It'll be quick.

So... you look so good,
by the way. - Thank you.

Thanks.
- I love you so much.

Okay. Let's go
ahead and get you home.

Forever.

Please don't
puke in my back seat.

Um...

Look, I'm sorry. I'm...

I mean, those
taquitos are a silent killer.

No. No, it
wasn't the taquitos.

Was it the seven-layer dip?
- It was...

Look, I made it up.
Okay? - Oh, did you?

Because I'm a liar,
okay? I'm no good.

I even stole a plate.

What kind of
asshole steals a plate?

A beautiful plate. I've
never stolen anything in my life.

I don't know what's come over me.
I've just become this... terrible person.

You're too nice.
- No.

If that makes sense.

Like, I, you know...
sometimes I'm like,

"Ah, Ethan. I don't really like
Ethan, because he's such a nice guy."

No, I'm not. Okay?

I've been coveting thy
neighbor's wife in my mind.

Hey, not cool!

It isn't cool, and I would
recommend that you stop doing that.

I'm just gonna...
I'm gonna tell you,

I might have told Avery
that I'm in love with her.

What? Oh!

Did you catch your nose?

Did you break your
nose? Is your face okay?

Look, I...

I deserved that.

Okay? I'm...

I'm sorry. I...

I know I have... I have no
right to say these things. I just...

Ever since I met
her, I've felt like...

you know, it should
have been Avery and me,

and if I didn't tell her,
she would never know.

I'm sorry.

What did she say
when you told her?

She said she wished
things were different.

Noah...

do you mind if
I just have a quick...

Just like a...
just a quick nap?

Just a...

Yeah.

Go ahead, buddy.

I'm gonna regret this.

There you are.

Avery texted you like ten
times. She went to bed worried.

Well, I've been
driving around all night,

thinking about how
I've ruined all of our lives.

At least you kept it light.

Oh, are you okay?

Why doesn't Avery love me?

You've known this
whole time, haven't you?

Why didn't
you say anything?

Um...

Noah, I know
she cares about you.

Deeply.

But, no, it's...

it's not love.

And she'll probably do...
whatever she has to do to make it work.

I just think she
doesn't want to f... fail.

Hey, it's not you.
You're a good guy.

Sometimes relationships are about...

intangible things.

Oh, yeah.

Yep. You've said that before.

I have?

Kinda.

I like it when we talk.

I like it when we talk.

But you're right.

Avery deserves to be happy.

Yeah.

And she should
be with the right guy,

even though that
right guy isn't me.

So I have to fix it.
I have to go back in time and fix it.

What? What?

Where you going?

To play Cupid.

What?

Okay.

Weird life, Noah.

# I'm sexy and I know it

Now...
- Where's the emergency?

It just looks like
a party. - Yeah.

It's a... It's a
party emergency.

Look, I know we just met.
- Technically, we didn't meet.

You came banging on my door,
screaming you needed my help.

I do need your help, because tonight
is the first night of the rest of your life.

What?

Honestly, thank you for coming.

This is gonna be great.
- What? Wait.

You stay right here, and
you're gonna save the day.

Okay? Easy. I'll be back.
- What do you mean?

Okay?

Whoo!
- Hey, watch it, buddy!

Whoo-hoo! Whoo!

Hulk smash!
- Oh, my God.

Hi.
- Hi.

Uh, wow, uh...

Great costume. - Yeah,
it's from A League of Their Own.

I actually haven't
seen the movie.

Yeah, I haven't seen it either.

I needed a last-minute costume,
and my friend Carrie had it laying around.

Did you say it
wasn't your favorite movie?

Who are you?
- This is Norm. He brought me here.

Do you guys want
a drink? - No, it's Noah.

And I think you
guys should talk.

Honestly. 'Cause
there is a connection here.

I'm gonna mingle. I love
this song. I love this party. So...

Whoo!

I'll get my own drink. You should
really see A League of Their Own.

I'm disappointed that
you haven't. All right.

Thanks, Noah.

How long have you known
each other? - Uh, like eight minutes.

What?

# Ooh, you got it
- # Watch me

# You got that good

# Give it to me, give it
to me, hit me right now

# Give it to me, give it
to me, hit me right now

So let me guess.
You are a Dunkin' Donut?

Two bucks for
you, sir. - Mmm.

Not one person at this party
has gotten that. You're good.

Thank you.
- You're Cupid.

Oh, good one.
- Mm-hmm.

Cheesy.

Well, at least
I'm not that guy.

All right, I can guarantee this is
gonna be gross, and you get it first.

Hey, I'm Noah.

Carrie. Nice to meet you.

Do you wanna
do shots? - Uh... yeah.

Uh... okay. Let's go.

Come on.

Comin' in.

Here you go. One
for you, one for me.

Aw! So cute.

Thank you. - Scored
us the whole bottle.

What made you come
up to me? - I don't know.

I thought that
you had a familiar face.

I'm wearing goggles.
You can't even see me.

I love this song.

You wanna dance?

Uh... yeah.

You think you
can handle all this?

You think you can handle all of this?
- I can't.

# Tonight's gonna be a wild night

# It'll be the highlight
moment of our life

It's a dance-off.

# Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah

# It's okay to dance
Till the light's out

# All my friends
To the top we climbing

# Hands in the air,
everybody ready

# One wild night

# We're so excited

# We're all united

# It's how we like it

# One wild night
- # One wild night

# One wild night

# One wild night
- # One wild night

Sorry.

Sorry.

Looks like this party's dead.
You wanna go somewhere else?

Yeah. I think I know a place.

Let's go get Ethan
and Avery. Should we?

Let's do it.
- Let's do it!

It's so bright.

It is.

I mean, of course
they'd be naturals at that.

They look good together.

They do.

Cute.

That's their first kiss.

You play piano.

I got honorable
mention in a talent show once.

Oh, really?

And you play Oscar Peterson.

Well, you don't
play OP. OP plays you.

That is true.
That is true.

All right.
Not bad for Cupid.

So did Avery get
you into him or...?

Avery's music knowledge
is 100 percent stolen from me.

If it were up to Avery, she'd be
listening to Jonas Brothers or Linkin Park.

Peruse at your own will,
if you want to get schooled.

Okay.

This is your
playlist? - Mm-hmm.

There are some
deep cuts in here.

So you...

You're the
one that likes jazz.

Yes.

And you like
A League of Their Own.

I hand-made her costume.

So the foosball table in your
living room is yours, not Avery's.

How'd you know I had a
foosball table in my living room?

Avery.

She told me earlier.

Candid.

Right. Um, I'm
probably cross-eyed.

Hmm.
- No?

That's what I look
like in my prom photo.

Oh.
- I know.

Oh, my God!
That is horrible!

You were actually
worse than that. You were this.

Wait. Cross-eyed
and droopy. Huh?

Oh.

I... I think you look good.

I'm really glad
I came out tonight.

Yeah, me too.

I almost didn't.

Why?

Ah, I'm going through
this, like, really weird breakup.

I knew he'd be at the party, and
I wasn't sure how I'd feel about him.

You know, you either want to strangle
him, make out with him, cry in the bathroom.

You... He was at the party?

Yeah.

Who was he?
Was he the AC/DC guy?

No. No. But...

Was he Hulk smash?

No. I believe you
made fun of this guy though.

Jell-O Shot Doctor?

What?

I... I-I did not know that.

That's all right.
How would you know?

You ever keep spinning
around in the same relationship

over and over and
it's just going nowhere?

Yeah. Yeah, I've been
in that relationship before.

Hey! Guys, come
take pictures with us!

Nah.
- Mmm, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Let's do it. No, come on.

Yep.
- Be a team player.

You're wearing a jersey,
for Christ's sake. Come on.

Get in here.
- Come on.

Come on.
- Ready?

We're all very happy.
- Whoo!

Okay, now we're a little scared.

Now Carrie just vomited.

Ugh.

Now Carrie fell out of the...

Now we hurt Noah.
- Sorry, sorry. Oh, no!

Where the hell am I?

It's 6:45 a.m.
Rise and shine.

Aaah! Whoo! On a scale of one
to titties, how epic was last night?

W... We're friends, right?

What are you talking
about? We're best friends.

I mean, technically, you
did go home solo yet again,

but what's important is we
shared a kick-ass experience.

I brought home Haley,
the dietitian. Old soul.

Hey, where's Avery?

Avery's probably with Ethan.

So they're dating?
- Yep. Engaged.

So, um...

where's Carrie?

Her friend?

Uh, I don't know.
I haven't seen her in a few years.

You said she got back with
her ex and fell off your radar.

What's with all
the questions, bro?

Jell-O Shot Doctor?

No, she says that they...
that-that she doesn't like him.

So that can't...
- What's wrong with you?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about
me and Carrie, Max.

I... I'm talking about fate.

Fate is a tricky lady.

When you try to figure her
out, you just get more confused.

All I know is the mistakes
I've made and the ladies I've laid

have made me
who I am today.

If I were to go back and relive
it differently, I wouldn't be me.

And I like me.

I thought things were
supposed to happen for a reason.

That's what
strippers and idiots say.

Things happen
randomly for no reason at all.

But they create
opportunities, Noah.

And you learn from those
opportunities, even the missed ones.

The question is, can you
recognize that next opportunity

when it matters the most?

I've been watching these
speeches online. Really inspirational.

This kid, 15 years old.

Not a lot of subscribers, but...

Noah!

I made us breakfast, most
important meal of the day!

Gotta go!

Noah?
- Wow.

Hey, you just missed Avery
and Ethan. Everything okay?

Carrie, for the
past three years,

I've been pining over
what I thought was destiny,

but no matter what I would do,
Ethan would end up connecting with Avery,

and I would always
seem to connect with you.

'Cause this whole time,
it was meant to be me and you.

Wasn't it?

What the hell are you doing?
- What do you mean?

Jesus!
- Okay, I thought...

I thought this was the
moment that... that... that...

when our mutual feelings
would come together and...

blossom.

What are you talking about?

We've barely hung out.
- That's not true, exactly.

A long time ago,
we met at that party.

We had a great time, I wound up
getting back together with my ex-boyfriend.

Yeah. Why did you do that?

What kind of question is that?

There's been times
when you've hated me,

and there's been times
when you've hit me with trees.

And then there's been times

when... you've
been my only friend.

And there has to be one
moment over the past three years

where you thought about us.

And you wondered.

Okay, maybe.

But... I don't know.

I'm getting ready for a date.

With who?
Jell-O shot guy?

His name is Phil.
- Phil is a stepdad name.

You ready?

What's up, player? Phil.

Hey, Phil. Noah.

All right. Two minutes?
- Yes.

Cool.

Well, are you happy?

You know what?
We're late.

Where you going? Hmm?
Avery and Ethan's engagement party?

No, actually,
that was last night.

No, it's tonight.
It's supposed to be...

Oh, my God, of course.

I got Avery and Ethan
together one day earlier this time.

So... Shit!

Oh!

Goddamn time travel.

What?

You were right.

Relationships are
about intangible things.

They're about moments.

The real moments and
who you share them with.

And the realest moments that
I've had over the past three years

have been with you.

You know, I know you don't
understand, but I'm gonna fix this. Okay?

I'm sorry. I... Bye, Noah.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

Well, hey, hey, yo.

Hey, Chad.
What's up? - Hey, Noah.

Where's the photo booth?
- Uh, what photo booth?

That one.

It's right there.
- No, the one with, like...

The mahogany, the wood and the...
- Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They got rid of it.
A while back, man.

What?

Sorry?
- No.

That-That can't happen.

I... I don't know
what you're talking about.

I'm stuck here.

The girl I love is dating someone
else. Is that what you're saying?

Yeah. Story of my life.

No, it's not the story of your life,
because you're not a time traveler, Chad!

Can I get a drink?

Classic Noah.

Welcome to Boogie Booth.

Three, two, one.

Get ready.

Three, two, one.

You're doing great.

We're almost done.
- Hey.

What are you doing in here?

Obviously, I am taking
a personal photo collage

of hopelessness.

Okay.

What are you doing here?
- What do you mean?

We came to see you play.

And you didn't show up to our
party last night, so we were worried.

Hey, buddy. Yikes.

You need a
water? I got you.

No. Give me...
- Thanks, honey.

Come on.

What are you
doing taking photos

in a piece of junk like this?

Well, it's the only
one they have, so...

Your photo booth at
home takes way better photos.

What?

Something happen to it?

Oh, my God. Do you have any idea
what I went through to get that thing?

You got me the
photo booth? - Yeah.

Why?
- Because we're friends.

Oh, my God.

It...

It makes perfect
sense. I need you.

What?

I need you in
order to meet Carrie.

I was supposed to meet
you at the Halloween party,

and everything else was
supposed to happen after that.

Here. Got you a ginger ale.

Oh, you really are perfect.

You guys are
perfect together.

I gotta go back
and I have to do everything

exactly how I did it the first
time, and not change a thing.

Because everything
does happen for a reason. Right?

Or maybe it doesn't.
Or maybe Max was right.

Or maybe I'm just
a stripper. - What?

I love you. I'll see you
at the engagement party.

Oh, my God.

He knows it was last night, right?
- I don't think so. He's very drunk.

Oh!

Oh, my God.

You look so good in here!

One last time.

Whoo! Hulk smash!
- Jesus.

Are you okay?

d Ooh d

It's the sound of history.

Wow. You really like Cookie Crisp.

I love it.
You should get more.

Tomorrow. At 1:00 or whenever.

And don't go to the store right
down the street. Go to the one on Third.

Wow, that's very
specific. Thank you.

Oh, my God, it is so nice
to have a good guy friend.

It is.

Bye.
- Bye.

Hey.
- Hey.

Cheers!
- Cheers.

Cheers.

Thank you. You too.
- Thank you.

Hi. Oh, my God.
How are you?

Candid.

Oh, Noah. Hey, I
haven't seen you in forever.

It's been a while, huh?
I've been, um... been traveling a lot.

Yeah?

Yeah.
- Cool.

You, uh... You look good.

Oh. Thank you.

You look good.

Thanks.

So, do you believe all that?

Believe what?

All that stuff about them

finding each other and
falling in love all in one night.

I don't know.

I mean, normally
I'd call bullshit, but...

some things are meant to be.

Yeah.

You know, I know
you probably have like a...

a photo shoot or
something cool tomorrow.

But did you wanna go
get a drink or something?

Oh, you wanna ditch?

Yep, I wanna just leave
and not say goodbye to anyone.

Just disappear. Vanish.

I'm catching a vibe
that you also want to do that.

Are we shits
for leaving early?

Uh... Mmm.

Nah. They don't
need us anymore.

You like jazz?
- No.

I'm kidding. I am jazz.

Well, then come on. Let's go.
- Yeah?

Candid.

No, that's mine.
That's my thing.

Seems like it's my thing
now, I'm holding the camera.

No, that...
- Candid.

Okay. I've done
that already. We're good.

# You make
me want you, babe

# Hey
- # Hey, little girl, set my soul on fire

# You're the
gasoline, my one desire

# You make it worth the chase

# I will follow you

# To the end of the world

# With you

# I will follow you

# To the end of the world

# With you

# Jump off the edge

# Hey

# Jump off the edge

# You caught my eye
Pretended to look away

# I made up an excuse
'Cause I needed something to say

# Hey, little girl
With the crooked smile

# You got a love so
warm make a heart run wild

# You make me wanna stay

# Hey
- # Hey, little girl, set my soul on fire

# You're the gasoline, my one desire

# You make it worth the chase

# I will follow you

# To the end of the world

# With you

# I will follow you

# To the end of the world

# With you

# Jump off the edge

# Hey

# Jump off the edge

# Hey

Corrected by
suadnovic