All language subtitles for The.Selling.2011.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org

"Battle not with monsters,
lest ye become a monster,

and if you gaze
into the abyss...

the abyss
gazes into you."

So, you know,

there's that
to think about.

I'm sorry. What?
It's a quote, babe.

Yes, I know
it's a quote, sweetheart.

But how does it pertain
to this situation?

He's saying the mortgage
is a monster.

Right.

And if you do battle
with it, you will...

Become a monster.

No.
No.

Become a mortgage?

I'm s...

Maybe I should
read it again.

No, don't read it again.
Yeah, I'd like to hear it again.

I-I said hear it.
I mean, I'll read it.

Look, what kind of real estate
agent reads "Nietzchee"...

and tries to get his clients
to no buy a house?

Nietzsche.
Sorry. She...

Nietzsche.

It was the quote of the day.
Yeah.

Listen, we appreciate your concern,
but this... this is our dream.

I understand that. But let me help you
find a house that's more within your means.

We don't want a house within our means.
We want this house.

Isn't that right,
honey?

So the abyss
is the debt of the mortgage.

Right.
Sign.

A-And the debt
will consume us.

- Yes, that was the...
- Keys, please.

Yeah.
Thank you.

Congratulations
on your new home.

Oh... Oh!

Okay. Thanks.
I'm gonna keep this. Yeah?

Sure.

- What?
- I told them not to take the loan.

You're hopeless,
Richard.

You're 100% completely hopeless.
Why?

Because I won't ruin a couple
lives so I can make a commission?

Yes. That's what you do.
You're a real estate agent.

You convince people to buy houses
even if they can't afford them.

I don't think that's what a real estate
agent does. You know what your problem is?

Can you keep your hand on the
wheel, please? You're too nice.

Oh, really?
What's wrong with being nice?

Nobody ever got anywhere
by being nice.

There are plenty of successful nice people.
Yeah?

Name one that isn't freakishly
beautiful or Tom Hanks.

Are you sure this is the place?
This is the address.

It's a little big for the money, don't
you think? You know these probate deals.

There's got to be
something wrong with it.

A coat of paint and some elbow grease,
we're gonna flip this bitch in no time.

Do you know anything about flipping a
house that you haven't seen on television?

No, I do not.

Pretty neat, huh?

Oh! Sorry. Didn't mean to startle you.

After all, you're the one who's
supposed to be scary. Right? Right.

'Cause your name's Richard Scarry.
Richard Scarry.

So, come on. Let's have a look!
Huh? Okay!

You didn't tell me she was your contact.
Would you have come?

What do you think? Look, I know she's
not your favorite person in the world.

Mary Best cannot be trusted.
Yes, but she's hot.

Come on!

Yeah! Come on!
I'm not getting out of this car.

Stop being a Cameron Frye.
I'm not being a Cameron Frye.

You are being
a Cameron Frye.

I'm n a Cameron Frye.

My God.
I'm a Cameron Frye.

You're gonna love it.
Oh, I already love it.

Yes.

Attic. The owner
can't find the key.

So you would just need to get
a locksmith to open it for you.

You know what?
I'm gonna give you two a minute to talk.

No. What? Why not?

Why not? Mary Best is involved.
That's why not.

The woman never does anything
that's not out of self-interest.

Don't look a gift bag
in the mouth.

Horse.
What?

Gift horse. Not bag.
They both have mouths.

Look, the point is,
this house is a good investment.

The plumbing's good, the bones are good.
There is nothing wrong with this house.

Plus, she is very hot.
Mary, what's wrong with the house?

Dude, she's outside.
No, she's listening on the stairs.

Did you guys say something?
What's wrong with the house?

Nothing. The owner inherited it from his
grandmother along with another property.

I'm helping with the main house. I thought
you gentlemen would be interested in this.

Totally.
We're totally interested.

- What's wrong with the house?
- Oh, for... Nothing!

The... The Sleep Stalker
used to live here.

Sleep Stalker?
And what's a Sleep Stalker?

He was an alleged
serial killer.

Unbelievable.

But they never found
any evidence...

that anything happened
in the house.

Which means we wouldn't be legally
obligated to tell anyone about it.

Exactly. I only told you guys
'cause you're my friends.

We are not investing
in a murder house.

Murderer's house.

Technically, just a place where
an alleged murderer used to live.

I'm gonna talk to him.
Yeah?

And I will call you later.
Fabulous.

I'm Frederick Loren,

and I've rented the house
on Haunted Hill tonight...

so that my wife
can give a party.

A haunted house party.

She's so amusing.

There'll be food
and drink and...

Hi! I'm home.

Mom?

Don't be worried. Mom?

It's not what it looks like.
What are you doing?

Maybe it is what it looks like.
Where's your cane?

I forgot it.

How can you forget
something you can't walk without?

Shouldn't, not can't.
That's an important distinction.

Give me a break.
I have cancer.

Yeah. Don't think that entitles
you to special treatment.

How's your leg?

I'm fine.

Ice pack or heating pad?
Uh, ice pack, please.

How was your day?
Fantastic. I love my job.

Ohh.

You're a terrible salesman,
sweetie.

Thanks.
No, y-you're a good human being.

You're just
a terrible salesman.

Why does everyone seem to think
they're mutually exclusive?

You're very sweet.

How was your day?

It was very good. Very good, thank you.
TV and I, what did we do?

We... We solved
three murders,

we fell in love twice...

and we prevented
one nuclear attack.

Sounds exciting.
Sleeping pill?

Uh, yes, please.

I got some news.

Bad news?

No, no, not bad news.
Just... Just news.

They denied the claim?
Yeah.

That's bad news, Mom. You know what?
We can appeal the decision.

And what are you supposed
to do in the meantime?

All right.

Tomorrow I want you
to call the doctor,

have him start the treatment while
we wait for the appeal to go through.

Honey, no, no, no.
That's $15,000 a month.

We don't have that kind of money, Richard.
Not at the moment.

But I'll get it.

If this doesn't work, I'm selling
your liver on the black market.

If this doesn't work,
you can sell both my livers.

Get out.

- What?
- What?

- What did you just say?
- Dude, I didn't say anything.

Get out.

Really? You went with
the Sizzler voice?

- What?
- Sizzler.

- It's the same voice.
- Get out!

See?

That wasn't you,
was it?

- You?
- No.

It's funny though.
It kinda did sound like the Sizzler voice.

Hurry up!
I'm hurrying.

Come on!
Try it now!

It's still locked.
Give me the keys.

- What?
- Give me the keys! Quick!

Okay.

- Did you get them?
- Get what?

My keys.
I just threw 'em to you.

No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.

Did you just
lose my keys?

- You left them in the house, didn't you?
- No!

Yes! But I didn't see you
reminding me to pick 'em up!

You didn't have to pretend
like you still had them!

- This is so ridiculous.
- Wh-Wh-Where are you going?

- To get your keys.
- You can't go back in there. It's haunted.

You want me to call my mom,
ask her to pick us up?

- You think she would?
- Ohh!

Listen, buddy,

I can't let you
go in there alone.

You're a true friend, Dave.
Just hurry up.

It's dark and spooky
out here.

Hi.
It's me again.

Just gonna get our keys,
and then we'll get out.

Where are the keys?
In my jacket on the landing.

- Okay, I got 'em.
- Good. Now run!

Did you get the locksmith
to open the attic door?

What? No.

It's open.

Oh, good.
Maybe you should go investigate.

Would you get out
of the house now!

Richard!

Richard!

I don't hear
any "getting out" sounds.

Richard. Richard.

Richard.

Richard.

Richard.

Richard.

What are you doing?

Really? In a haunted house you
just appear out of nowhere?

What are you doing?
Where's that flashlight?

You're not goin' up there,
are you?

Well, Dave,
I have a theory.

I think someone
has been living up here.

What, like...
like an evil spirit?

No, like a squatter.
Oh, like, an evil squatter?

Perfectly understandable.
The place is empty. Who cares? Right?

Until one day, someone buys the
place and starts cleaning up.

Uh-oh.
You think you're caught.

So you decide to pull a little Scooby-Doo
action to scare the people away...

so you don't
get in any trouble.

How many people did the Sleep
Stalker not kill in here?

- Twelve.
- Twelve?

Allegedly.

Fantastic.

Get out.

I'm not sure how I feel
about this squatter theory.

- There's nothing here.
- What?

There's nothing here.
The place is empty.

- What was that?
- The door just closed of its own accord.

Oh, God, please don't say
it must have been the wind.

Why?

Get out.

Richard!

Richard!
Richard, are you...

I'm coming!

Not a squatter! Not a squatter!
Not a squatter!

- I'm here!
- Open the door!

It's locked!
I know it's locked! Open it!

I can't!

- Richard!
- Dave!

- Did you try the lock from your side?
- Of course I tried...

- For Pete's sake!
- Get out!

I'm trying!

Ohh!

Did you get the keys?

Thanks for picking us up,
Mrs. S.

My pleasure. It's nice to get
out of the house a little bit.

But I hope
you can find your keys.

Yes, it was very careless of
me to lose them the way I did.

- Haunted?
- Yes.

Like, by a ghost?

Try ghosts.
Plural.

The Sleep Stalker's victims.
Twelve of 'em.

Point being, you sold us
a stigmatized property...

without telling us what was wrong with
it, which is A: unethical and B: illegal.

And C: unethical.

You're right.
You're right, Richard.

It is absolutely not ethically
or legally justifiable...

to withhold information about a
property from a potential buyer.

And if I had known anything about
whatever it is that you're talking about,

I would have told you.

And unless you can prove
otherwise in a court of law...

I would really focus on getting rid of
the property as quickly as possible.

And how do you
propose we do that?

Pretend like you don't know
it's haunted.

God, I love
to hate her.

Hello.

It's us again.

From last night.

- My name is Richard Scarry.
- Dude, don't tell it your name!

- This gentleman here...
- Don't tell it my name!

Is my partner, Dave Ross.

Uh, business partner.
We're not together.

What?

Look, here's the deal.

My mom's sick, and we need to sell this
place in order to pay for her treatments.

So we're gonna stay here
until we do that.

That's what we have to do.

So... that's
what we're gonna do.

Oww!
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Oww!

O-Oww! Oww!

Stop it!

No, no, no, no.
No, no, no!

Get off me!

What do you want
to do for lunch?

I don't know.
What do you want to do?

I don't know. I was thinking about
a burrito. Ooh, that sounds good.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Burritos it is.

Do you have
my keys?

- Dude, how does my face look?
- Good. Good. Much better.

It looks better?
Yeah, the aloe is working.

'Cause I gotta tell ya,
it both itches and hurts a lot.

I'll get you an antihistamine once we
get in the house. Just a little farther.

Uh...
What?

I can't do it.
I can't go in.

Yes, you can. It's just a few feet,
and then you can come back out again.

Okay.

Any time you're ready.
I can't do it, man.

How are we supposed to get the furniture
into the house if you won't enter it?

No, not there. Turn it around
the other side of the room.

I need to frame
the fireplace.

Well, what do you think?

Fantastic.

Maybe we should do it
without the furniture.

No. The house is just having
a little fun with us.

Ghost humor, right?

Listen, I know
this is scary for you.

You've been used to having things
your way for a long time...

and now there's these strangers coming in
here, moving you out of your comfort zone.

I get that.
But life is change, you know?

So is the afterlife too,
I imagine.

So you gotta be flexible,
bend like the reed,

make compromises...

You okay?

Maybe we should do
without the furniture.

You ready for this?

You're not coming in,
are you?

Can you get
the cheese plate?

Today we have what is known in the
real estate world as an open house.

That means for the next couple hours
people are gonna walk in and out of here...

with the intention
of buying.

All we're asking from you is a couple
hours of non-paranormal activity.

That means no whispering,
no moving objects, no bleeding walls.

Don't give it
any ideas.

No chills up the spine,
no closing and locking of doors,

no opening of cabinets, no ladies in
white, no gentlemen in black,

no creepy little English children
at the end of the hallway,

no naked ladies in the bathtub who
turn into old women when you kiss them,

no spectral music, no making people
think they've peeled off their face,

no feeling of foreboding,
dread or impending doom.

Do I make myself clear?

I take your silence
as implied consent.

Thank you.

I'm not gonna lie.

No one's asking you to.

Unless, of course,
someone asks you if the house is haunted.

Which nobody's gonna do,
so don't even worry about it.

Unless they do,
in which case, lie.

I see a car.

Uh, no.
No, no, Mr. Gruenwald.

No, it starts at 5:00 p.m.

No, plenty of time. Just come early
because parking may be an issue.

What are you doing? I'm pretending
to be on a very important phone call.

It establishes high status.

Uh-huh.
Hi. Welcome.

- Hiya.
- I'm Richard Scarry.

Richard Scarry?
Really?

Yeah, just like
the children's book author.

What children's book
author?

There was a children's book
author named Richard Scarry.

Would you like to see the place?
Yeah, sure.

How you doin'?
Dave Ross, Realtor.

Dave Ross, Realtor.

Go for Dave Ross.
Uh-huh.

Hi. I'm Richard Scarry. Scarry?

Yes, like the
children's book author.

Oh, really?

What kind of children's
books do you write?

No, I'm not
a children's book author.

There's a children's book author
with the same name as me.

Ohh.
Well, that's...

Hello. No, sir.
The auction has not started yet.

Uh-huh. 5:00.

Would you excuse me? I seem to be
getting a real phone call at the moment.

I... just... Hello!

Hello.

Hello? I...

Went to voice mail. Sorry about that.
My name is Richard Scarry.

Like the
children's book writer!

Yes, that's right.
I love him!

Can I show you around? Nope.

There's cheese, in case you wanted...
some... cheese.

Hi. Welcome.
I'm Richard Scarry.

Yeah, grab one of those.

Don't acknowledge
my existence.

Okay! Hey, everybody!
It's almost 5:00.

So if you wouldn't mind coming out to the porch,
we're about to get the auction started.

Good cheese.
Thanks.

Anything I should know about the house
before I decide whether or not to live here?

Well...

it was built in 1906.

Five bedrooms, four baths.
There's a sun porch.

Has anyone been murdered in the house?
I'm sorry?

Because you're legally
obligated to inform people...

if there have been any murders in
any house you're trying to sell.

I-I don't know about any of what you're
referring to happening in this house.

What about Oliver Crandall?
Oliver... Wh-Wha...

The Sleep Stalker?

Well, there was someone
who lived here many years ago...

who was accused but never
convicted of any wrongdoing,

but I don't know
what his name is.

Is this house haunted,
Mr. Scarry?

What?
This house.

The one you're about to auction off.
Is it haunted?

Haunted?
Yes. Haunted.

This house? Haunted.
Yes. Uh-huh.

The previous owners never told us
anything about it being haunted.

Then why has it not had a tenant
for longer than three months?

Perhaps the previous owners
weren't very good landlords.

I have in my hands written testimony
from former tenants of this house...

telling of horrible
things that happened here.

Nobody told us anything
about this house being haunted.

Have you experienced any supernatural
activity while you've been in the house?

Huh?

Do you yourself
believe this house...

to be haunted?

No, I do not.

Now, whether or not this young
lady is making these accusations...

out of a genuine,
if misguided concern for others...

or if she's perhaps trying to scare away
potential rivals for the property, I don't know.

But what I do know
is this...

The walls are bleeding
behind me, aren't they?

Yep. They sure are.

Real wall blood!

Amazing.

That was great!

Who are you? Oh!
Ginger Sparks. Ghostblog.

What? Ghostblog. The blog?

You say that like it's
something we should know.

We're a Web site dedicated to
protecting the rights of the non-living.

By blogging?
Yes.

Are you going to buy the house?
What?

Are you going to
buy the house?

Is that why you
scared everyone away?

So you could buy it for yourself and
create some kind of ghost habitat reserve?

Um, I'm a waitress.

Get out.
Here's my card.

I don't want your card.
I want you to get out.

- You don't have to be rude.
- Get out of my haunted house!

Don't forget to go online and sign my
petition for the Bill of Ghost Rights.

Get out of
my haunted house!

Get out.

Oh, shut up!

Hey, no,
I have it right here.

Oh! W-W-Wait!
D-Don't!

Richard.

- Yeah?
- You're not eating the brownies, are you?

- No.
- Good. 'Cause there's marijuana in them.

- What?
- Pot. Skunk.

Boom. Ganja.
It's in the brownies.

You might have told me.
I just did.

Hey.
Hey, pretty lady.

Oh, hey.
There's some pasta in the fridge.

Mmm, no, thanks.
I just wanna sit for a little bit.

- Tell me about the auction.
- People are scared to buy right now, the way the market is.

You sure it has nothing to
do with the bleeding walls?

What?

The bleeding walls.

How do you know about that?

I'm your mother.
I know everything.

It's so weird
that you and Dave talk.

- We're friends.
- Yeah. That's weird too.

Who's gonna buy a house
that has bleeding walls?

The Red Cross.

I think they screen
for evil blood.

The poor souls in that house
are not evil.

They are victims.
They probably just want something.

If you can figure out what they
want, they'll go away.

So how do you propose
we find out what they want?

- Okay, what was he called again?
- The Sleep Stalker.

You want me to do it?
No, no, I'm fine.

♪ Ba-ba-ba ♪

All right, Sleep Stalker. Okay.

"American serial killer in the
1950s." Blah, blah, blah, blah.

His name was Oliver Crandall.
Right.

He was called
the Sleep Stalker...

because he claimed to have
committed the murders in his sleep,

like sleepwalking,
but with killing.

I didn't know that was a thing.
Me neither.

They caught him when
he went to a psychiatrist...

to complain about bad
dreams he was having.

Where he was killing people.
Yeah.

The dreams led them to the bodies.
I thought he wasn't convicted.

Oh, no.
He wasn't. He wasn't.

He hanged himself before
he could go to trial.

Huh.

This is really
not helpful, is it?

- No, not really.
- Oh.

For a free information kit and
prospectus, call 1-888-50-SUPER,

or go to
SuperFundInfo.com...

Doughnut?

- Thanks.
- We don't care for any, thank you.

We don't?

No! We don't!

Oh, come on!

You guys aren't still mad at me about
that whole house thing, are you?

What do I need to do
to show you that I'm sorry?

Buy the house back?
Go out with me.

- Pay for Richard's mother's medical bills.
- What?

- Go out with me?
- Richard, your mom's sick?

It's not something
I care to discuss.

Hey, kiddo.

Now, I know I'm not your
favorite person right now, but...

would you
mind if I prayed for your mom?

Sure. Fine.

Okay.

Uh...

Right now?

Our dear heavenly Father,

we know you have a plan and we
do not question your will, but...

please look after Richard
and his mom...

in your perfect way...

and help them through
this difficult time.

Amen.

Amen.

So who is this guy?

Father Jimmy, the most terrifying Sunday
school teacher the world's ever known.

I believe it. If any man can stand up
to the forces of darkness, it's him.

Hi!

Richard!

Father Jimmy.
Thanks for coming.

Oh, sure. What's a little
exorcism between friends?

Never mind the fact that I haven't
seen you in church for, what, 10 years?

Yes, well,
I was there in spirit.

There in spirit!

You were always
such a funny little boy.

Ah-ha-haa.

I could hardly keep a straight face when
I was giving my Sunday school lessons.

"Father Jimmy, what about all the innocent
people who lived in the town of Jericho?"

That was
a serious question.

Hi, I'm Father Jimmy.
It's a pleasure to meet you.

This is my partner,
Dave Ross.

Oh. B-B-Business partner.
We're not together.

Sure.

Won't you come in?
Oh, I'd be happy to.

I'm anxious to see the inside of this place.
I grew up in a house just like this.

You don't say.
I just did.

What is with you
and the whole gay thing?

I don't want people
to get the wrong idea.

People don't suspect us of being
homosexuals until you start denying it.

Here we are.

What? What's wrong?

That stained glass
is beautiful.

Beautiful!

When was this house built?

1906.
Wow.

And look at that crown pillar.

And the stairs! They're so wide! They
just don't make them like this anymore.

Maybe you should
buy the place.

I'm afraid the diocese doesn't pay
me enough money to afford a home.

God, I hate renting.

Sorry.

So... where's this demon?

I don't know that
it's a demon necessarily.

We're pretty sure
it's 12 lost souls.

Or demon.

Or both.
Probably a demon.

The attic. Most of the trouble
seems to be in the attic.

- There's an attic?
- Hmm.

Wow!

Creepy!

So this is where the
murders took place, huh?

I guess.

So how do we get started?

Right. Right. Right.
The exorcism.

So...

your mother tells me
that...

you don't believe in God
anymore, Richard.

Uh, well, uh, I...

You know, there is some religious
content in this exorcism.

That's not going to offend
you, is it? Uh...

I'm just teasing you.

But seriously, though,
you're a good boy.

I'd hate to see you
rotting in hell.

That's all
I'm gonna say.

Okay.
All right.

Okay. Good.

Let's bust some ghosts.

"I cast you
out, every unclean spirit,

every satanic power,

every onslaught of the infernal
adversary, every legion,

every diabolical group
and sect,

in the name and by the power
of our Lord Jesus Christ."

- Amen.
- Not yet.

Sorry.

"I command you, begone...

and fly away
from the Church of God...

from the souls
made by God in His image...

and redeemed by the precious
blood of the Divine Lamb."

What?

Was that you?

Uh...

"No longer dare,
cunning serpent,

to deceive the human race,

to persecute God's church,

to strike God's elect
and to sift them as wheat.

For the Most High
commands you,

He to whom you once so proudly
presumed yourself equal.

Come to the knowledge
of truth!"

Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh!

That was not me either!

"The Father commands you.

God, the Son, commands you.

The sacred mystery of the cross
commands you,

along with the power of all mysteries of
Christian faith.

The exalted Virgin Mary,

Mother of God,
commands you!"

Maybe we should skip a
couple of the "command yous."

I think
that would be fine.

"The faith of the holy apostles
Peter and Paul commands you."

The, uh... Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.
Blood of martyrs...

Prayers of holy men and women commands
you... Command you...

- Everyone commands you.
- Yeah! Here!

Down.

"Bow down...

before God's mighty hand.

Tremble and flee
as we call...

on the holy and awesome name of
Jesus,

before whom the
denizens of hell cower,

to whom the heavenly virtues and
powers and dominations are subject,

whom the cherubim and seraphim
praise with unending cries...

as they sing...

♪ Holy, holy, holy ♪

♪ Lord God ♪

Are you okay?
Amen!

Yep.
That should do it.

Are you sure? Don't you need to
sprinkle the holy water or something?

Right.

Okay, done.
This house is clean.

Get out.
Gotta run.

I got a-a-a... a thing.

Yeah.

Aah!

Great house!

So, good exorcism?

Ehh.

Hi. Welcome.
Thanks for coming.

Ted. Nancy.

George. Suzette.

Vivian. Mavis.

Felipe. Welcome.
Thank you for coming.

The place was built in 1906,
so lots of history here.

Just perfect
for a couple starting out.

Just perfect for a couple
on a fixed income.

Just perfect for someone
looking for a fresh start.

Perfect place for your cats.

Uh-huh.

This is the pantry.

Lots of cupboard space.

A bit drafty sometimes.

This is the kitchen.

Running water.

Like any old
house, it has its quirks.

Get out.

What?
What?

Bleeding walls.

Sometimes
the bedroom closet...

becomes a portal
to the spirit realm.

Get out.

What?

Get out.
Get out.

What?
Get out!

That does not happen
in the master bathroom.

I don't want you to get out.
Then why did you tell us to get out?

He didn't say it.

I don't recommend ever
going up into the attic...

for any reason
whatsoever.

But the attic is my favorite
room of any house. Not this one.

So what do you think?

Seriously?

I don't know...
No.

How much?
We're not interested.

Mmm, no.

How much?

No!

Good evening.
What can I get you to drink?

I think I'm a little lost.
I'm looking for the Ghostbl headquarters.

What?
The what headquarters?

Ghostblog.
It's a blog about ghosts.

I think you have
the wrong place, dude.

Oh... Oh, gosh!
I'm so sorry! I...

It's okay.
Oh. It's you.

Yes, it's me.

Well, if I had to spill on
someone, I'm glad it was you.

I guess I am too. Listen, I wanted to
apologize for the way I treated you...

Look, I'm really busy.
Our busboy got arrested!

Sounds like
an interesting story.

Um, do you need some help? What?

Do you need some help?

Okay.
Okay!

What's that?
Your share of the tips.

Oh. That's okay.
You keep it.

You're not much of
a businessman, are you?

You noticed.

Tell you what.
I'll keep it as a retainer. For what?

You want my help
with the house, don't you?

Or did you just come here
to bus tables and apologize?

Uh...

11:30, tomorrow,
at the house.

I'll need a rope, a goat
and a bottle of vodka.

I'm sorry.
Did you just say you needed a goat?

What do we need
a goat for anyway?

I don't know.

She said she'd
be here at 11:30?

It's 12:30.
She'll be here.

Yeah, we hear you.

You seriously got a goat?

You told me to.

Ironically!
What are we supposed to do with her?

Love her and pet her.

Hi!

Did you get
the vodka?

No, we got the goat,
but we couldn't find any vodka.

Mixers?

You didn't tell me to get mixers.

Ugh.

Who wants to tie me up?

Good girl. You stay here.

So what are we doing in here?
Séance.

With a goat
and a bottle of vodka?

Yep.

I'm not
a full-on medium.

Alcohol lowers inhibitions
and willpower,

making it easier for a spirit
to inhabit your body.

Look, I don't think
this is such a good idea.

You want to get rid
of these spirits, right?

Tie me up. Best way to do that
is to find out what they want.

Séance is the best way
to communicate.

They don't seem to have much trouble
communicating when they want to.

They're trying to push through
into the material world.

There's a knife in my bag.
And that takes a lot of effort.

That's why you're only getting cryptic
messages like... "Get out."

I don't know. "Get out" seems
pretty clear and to the point to me.

Well, trust me.
There's more to it than that.

Make it tight.

So why am I
tying you up?

Safety.
Safety.

These spirits are angry,
they're in pain, they're lashing out.

If you give them a physical form to inhabit,
they may not use it in the most benign way.

Oh. Hello.

Are you here
to see the house?

Get out!
Creepy man! Creepy man!

Creepy bad man!
Time to go.

Creepy man coming.
Doesn't look good. Time to go.

Stop it! The spirits
in this house are in pain!

We need to find out what they
want so we can help them!

Nope! Whatever you're doing up here
ain't workin', kid. Don't be...

Get me out of the chair.
Are you okay?

Get me out of the chair.

Get me out of the chair!

Get me out of the chair!

Please.
I won't tell anyone.

I promise.

I promise.

- How did you tie these things?
- I don't know. I just tied them.

- There's a knife over there.
- No.

Please.

Where the hell is that...

knife? No! No!

No! No!
Dave?

Please, don't...
Dave?

I won't tell anyone. I promise.
Just let me go. Please. Please.

No. Don't.

Dave?

Dave? No.

Dave!

Dave, it's me! Dave!

Richard?
Dave?

I couldn't stop myself.

I could see what I was doing,
but I couldn't stop...

Dave!
It got on my face!

Ginger? Ginger,
are you all right?

We're gonna need
a bigger goat.

But it doesn't
make any sense.

What doesn't
make any sense?

Oliver Crandall!

Where's
your light switch?

Why are you
asking me these things?

We are
in your apartment.

Oh.

You okay?

I'm fine.

Crandall didn't die in the house.
Uh-huh.

So, how could his spirit
be in the house?

I don't know.

Uh, unless
it's an imprint.

Ow!
What's an imprint?

It's like a recording.

If an event is so big,
if the emotions are so high,

it can leave a mark on a place,
and the event can play back.

Well, it's probably
an imprint then.

No, it doesn't really
fit the profile...

'cause imprints don't
express autonomous behavior.

And... whoo... these spirits
you have are self-aware.

Let's not worry
about it tonight, okay?

We'll just go to sleep and we'll
worry about it in the morning.

You're not such a bad guy,
Richard Scarry.

Thanks.

I'm sorry I ruined your life.

You didn't ruin my life.
Yes, I did!

No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.

Now, don't... don't cry. Oh!

Just... Just go to sleep.
It's hot!

Okay. Well, just don't
have a cover then.

I'll see you tomorrow.
Good night. Don't leave.

Please, you don't
have to do this.

I won't tell anyone.
I promise.

Richard?

- Mom? Mom?
- I'm in here.

Mom? Honey,
I think I need to go to the hospital.

Okay. Grab my arm.
Okay.

How ya doin'?

I like morphine.

I told you marijuana
was a gateway drug.

Don't be a buzzkill, dear.
Sorry.

- Hey, guys.
- Oh.

Hi! Are
we ready for X-rays?

We are very, very excited
about those X-rays, Tim.

"Tim"? Yeah, I've got cancer.
I ain't dead.

Here we go.
Mmm.

What's your name?
Brendan.

- Brendan. Hey, Brendan.
- Brendan's a little shy.

Oh. Don't be shy.

Richard?

Richard? Richard?

Hmm?

Are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah. Fine.

Just haven't been getting
a lot of sleep lately.

Oh. I'm sorry
to hear that.

Um...

Listen.

I've been thinking a lot about
what happened with the house,

and I'm wondering if maybe I
should take it off of your hands.

I mean, I wouldn't be able to
pay full market value, of course,

but I figured since, you know,
what's going on with your mom,

it might help.

Anyway, why don't you
think about it? Okay?

- Mary?
- Hmm?

Thanks.

Mar.
Hi!

How ya doing?
Great.

What was that about?

She offered to
buy back the house.

- Well, that was very nice of her.
- Yeah.

- She must have found a buyer.
- Yep.

God! I want her so bad!
What do we do? What do we do?

Act natural.

I also wanted to apologize for last
night... the me-trying-to-kill-you thing.

No worries.

Shh.

How'd you do that?

It is possible that I've hacked
into her computer before?

You want the password? No.

It is "princess."
What are you guys doing?

- Hackin' into Mary's computer.
- Cool.

What's going on, guys?
Corporate espionage.

Cool. You should, like,
have a lookout or somethin'.

Probably.
Yeah.

Good idea.

Fine.

Bingo. "Dear Ms. Best,

We'd love to see the property,
and if it is indeed haunted,

we are willing to pay
above the listed price."

What?
She has a buyer!

Who would pay more
for a haunted house?

The Members of the
International Witch Association.

What is that, like hippie witches
or sexy Halloween witches?

She just flushed!

Ooh! Write down the information!

Where's the pen?
Get a pen!

She's washing her hands!
Hurry, hurry!

Wait, wait.
Go, go!

I gotta log out!
I gotta log out!

Uh, okay.

Okay, let's go.

- And, um...
- Okay. Come on, come on, come on, come on!

Go, go, go, go, go!

- So, you guys are witches?
- That's right!

- Like hippie witches or...
- You want to look inside?

Okay. This is the attic,
where all the evil happens.

- Cool!
- Yes, very cool.

Very evil.

Lots of evilness
in here.

Usually.
Not right now.

But, um, very spooky the
first time I came up here.

So I'm brushing my teeth,
minding my own business.

Put my toothbrush away,

and...

Put my toothbrush away,
and...

Slam! Door closed,
I turn around.

Dave's on the phone, he's, like,
"What was that?" I said, "I don't know.

I turned around.
Dead girl, slit throat!

Tied up. She asked us to tie her up. She
was drunk. She asked us to get her drunk.

Normally there's
a dead girl in the corner,

um, doin' one of...
these th-things.

She says, "Get me out
of this chair! There's a guy coming!"

There was a guy coming. It was Oliver Crandall,
but we couldn't see him because he was a ghost!

She was... Never mind.
So Dave picked up a knife...

It bleeds, you say? Yeah.

Not on cue,
of course.

Watched pot
and all that.

But then he, like, got possessed.
He was, like, "Must kill!"

And I'm, like, "Dave, don't kill!"
Then I threw him on the ground!

I guess it's like when
your car's making a noise,

and you take it to the mechanic, and then
it won't make the noise for the mechanic.

Dave had been drinking too,
so he started vomiting.

Do you want to see
the bedroom?

Yes.
Hmm, yes.

I finally find two people crazy
enough to want to buy a haunted house,

and you decide it's a good
time to start acting normal.

Well, it certainly
is lucky...

Ginger uploaded all that
bleeding-wall footage to Ghostblog...

so I could show them
on their phones.

Otherwise they might not
have wanted to buy the place.

Oh, yeah.
Did I not mention that?

I sold you, bitch,

to a couple of witches who are gonna
get all up in your ghostly grill...

with some hexes and whatnot.

So good-bye.
Have a nice afterlife!

You are officially
not my problem anymore!

Hey, pretty lady.
How you doin'?

I've decided
to become a drug addict.

- Expensive habit.
- Yeah, I know, but you can become a dealer.

There's more stability
than real estate.

And I could cut you a deal.
Yeah.

- - The doctor
says your leg is not broken.

- Nice.
- He also says you can come home tomorrow.

Nicer.

Andsold
that house today.

Oh, I knew you would.
I knew you would.

Everything's gonna be okay.
Yeah.

Did you really think you could
get away from me so easily, Richard?

- Nurse!
- Richard, what's the matter?

- Mom?
- Come give me a little kiss!

Richard, why are you
acting so strangely?

Honey?

Sweetie, is something wrong?
I'm fine.

You sure?
Sure, yeah.

I just have a... thing
I need to...

Hang on. Okay. Richa... Richard!

Ginger Sparks.

The house is haunting me now!
What?

Whatever it was that's haunting the
house has attached itself to me!

- It just possessed my mother!
- What? Is she all right?

I don't know! I think so. She seemed
to be okay if I kept my distance.

What? Proximity affected
the possession? Miss!

That's amazing. I bet the spirit
transferred itself from the house to you,

and your mom was picking it up
like a radio transmission... Miss.

because of
her pain medication.

Hold on a second.
I have another call.

Hello? Kill!

Hold, please.

- It's on the other line.
- What's on the other line?

The ghost! The spirit!
Whatever it is is on the other line!

It's telling me to kill
in a creepy voice!

How'd it get your number?
I don't know!

Excuse me, miss?

I'm having a conversation on the phone.
We're ready.

Oh, okay.
Richard?

It's
taking control of the radio!

Hold on. Just meet me at
my apartment in 10 minutes.

Okay!

You know what? You take this,
and you write down what you want.

You give it to the guys in the kitchen,
and they'll get it for you, okay? Bye.

- - Kill them now! Now!

Kill them now!
Kill them now!

Mmm.

What are you doing?

Kissing is a powerful
biochemical experience...

that signals your brain to
release feel-good endorphins...

like dopamine, serotonin and
norepinephrine into your system,

creating a feeling
of bliss or euphoria.

You follow me?
Kissing good?

Yes. And a malevolent spirit has
attached itself to your psyche,

feeding off
your negative energy,

energy you create
when you're stressed.

Best way to fight back is to
reduce your negative energy output.

Through kissing?
Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Better?
Yes.

Good.

I've been reviewing the Sleep Stalker case.
It's fascinating stuff.

I don't think it was Oliver Crandall
I saw in your attic last night.

No? Keep your eyes closed.
Lie down.

It's important you try to
stay as relaxed as possible.

Apparently, Crandall claimed to have
heard voices telling him to do things too.

Here.
Put your head on my lap.

I think there is something in the
house that predates Crandall...

some sort of spirit or entity that
attached itself to Crandall's psyche...

and slowly took control
of his subconscious,

committing the murders while
Crandall slept. Mm-hmm.

And now it's trying to do the same to you.
But not to worry.

I think we got to it before it had a
chance to take over your subconscious,

unless you've been having
nightmares about murdering people...

you haven't told me about.

Hmm... Richard?

You haven't been having nightmares
about murdering people, have you?

Um, hey, Richard.
Maybe you shouldn't get too comfortable.

Richard.

Richard!

Hi.

Richard?

That's my name.
My name is Richard. Yes?

Are you okay?

Wonderful.
Fantastic. Alive.

Why? Am I acting strange and unnatural
as though I were possessed or something?

No!
Because I'm not.

Possessed, I mean.
Okay.

You look tense. Would you like
to release some more endorphins?

Um, maybe later.
Something wrong?

No! Then why are you
backing away from me?

I'm not
backing away from you.

You're not Richard.
What gave me away?

What are you?

You know, I'm not sure.
Gonna be Richard from now on out though.

Or am I more of a Dick?

You're an A.U.E.,
aren't you?

I'm not familiar
with that term.

Ancient Unnamed Evil.
I think I prefer Dick.

Somehow, some time,
a long time ago,

something happened that punched a
hole through our dimension and yours,

and now you're trying
to get through it,

and the hole's
not big enough, so...

you're trying to create enough
negative psychic energy...

to increase
the size of the rift.

How do you know all this?
I read a lot of books.

Oh!

- Sorry, Richard.
- That's okay. Pain's good.

Reminds us we're alive.

Would you like to be reminded
you're alive?

Richard!

Ginger?
Richard?

Richard?

That was weird.

Richard's consciousness is trying
to reassert control of his body.

You can't do it, can you?
You want to know why?

It's 'cause Richard's still in
there, and he won't let you kill me!

You're right.
He likes you too much.

I'll just have to find someone
he won't mind me killing.

And what are we gonna do
with you in the meantime?

Oh.

This is Mary.

Hi!

You... You know what? It may have.
Hold on just a sec.

Uh...

Those aren't
your brownies.

No, they're Best's. Hey, did you see
America's Next Top Model last night?

Uh, no.

Are you gonna watch it,
or can I tell you about it?

Uh, I'd kinda like to see it
for myself, thank you.

- Totally understand. Who do you want to win?
- I don't... know...

Excuse me.

exactly. You should seriously
consider Gabrielle...

because she has just, like,
really got it together.

I know she's not, like, a conventional choice
'cause she's a little bigger, huskier,

and she doesn't fit into most of
the clothes the other girls do.

Right. But I don't know.
She's got a real good spirit about her.

I think she looks good in a one-piece.
That's important.

She photographs great. Oh!
They did this awesome photo spread.

You totally would've loved it. It was a tribute
to the folk singers of the '60s and '70s.

- Uh-huh.
- She made an awesome Joan Baez.

- Right.
- But you can't discount Veronica...

'cause she actually
was Eva Cassidy in it.

That was pretty sweet.

I'm not really that familiar with
them, but I celebrate their catalogs...

now that I've seen it.

Tyra totally had a meltdown at one of the girls
and started screaming at her for no reason.

I think it's because they made
fun of her on The Sou again.

Totally understandable, but, um...
Oh, so you can't discount Veronica though.

- She's been totally solid the entire season.
- Sure. Yeah, yeah.

I discounted her at first because
I'm not really fond of her.

- She's kind of got Carrie Underwood dead eyes.
- Uh-huh.

But Tyra really likes her,
so I think she'll pull it out in the end.

Sure.
She's got a good chance though.

Hey, Betty! Did you see America's
Next Top Model last night?

Ed, what did I tell you
about talking to me?

Not to do it unless it's about business?
Ka-ching.

This is sort of business. Shh.

The show's my business.
Ed?

It's sort of about real estate.

- You think there's a chance...
- Ed!

Good boy.

You're meaner
than Tyra.

Hey!

Let me out!

Oh!

Hey, did you get
a brownie?

- Hey, Richard. Did you get a brownie?
- Not yet.

They're good.

Oh! Hello.
Hi.

Oh! Caught ya. What?

The brownies.
They're so good.

You know, a client
made them for me. Aw.

Aw. I was just gonna go put 'em in
the fridge so I wouldn't eat them all.

Uh-huh. Sure you were. Okay.
Maybe I was gonna have one.

You should!
They're delicious!

Only if you have one with me.
Oh, I just brushed my teeth.

I'm not having one
unless you have one.

Well, I mean, if you're gonna
twist my arm.

Hmm. So good, right?
Mm-hmm.

One more for the road?

I mean, I shouldn't.

Doesn't matter what you do
some of the time.

It matters what you do most of the time!
Most of the time!

You're so bad. Shh.

Mmm.

Is this the line?
Yeah.

Ed?

You okay in there?

He's probably embarrassed.
Maybe we should give him a minute.

I really have to go.
Yeah. Me too.

You know,
there's a gas station across the street.

You wanna go there?

Why not?

Oh!

I'm okay. I just got... I got a
little light-headed all of a sudden.

Let me help you.
Thank you.

- Watch your step. Oh, geez.
- Everybody's sleepy today.

They sure are.

Are you doing something
different with your hair?

I sure am.

Oh. Whoa. Easy. Easy. I'm okay.

You've been really cool lately.
Oh, you've been cool lately.

You've been cool.

Let me out!

Hey!
I'm stuck inside!

Let me out!

Please let me out!

Hey!

It's gonna be 50 bucks.

Where are we going?

I'm taking you home.
Mmm. Okay.

Duck down.
All right.

Go for Dave Ross. Dave!

- Ginger? What's goin' on?
- Get to the house, quick!

Why? What's happening?
Richard's possessed!

- Possessed?
- Yes, possessed, like you were the other night.

He's probably looking for his next victim.
Oh, come on. That's...

- Just get to the house!
- And do what?

I don't know.
Stop him. Slow him down.

I'll meet you there.

Betty? Wha...

Good. Just stay there. Don't move.
I-I'm gonna come back.

I'll be back.

Good. Stay there.
I'll be back.

Mrs. Scarry?
Yes.

Richard's in trouble.
He needs your help. What? Oh!

Can you travel?
Yes, yes.

He's been possessed by an Ancient
Unnamed Evil, and he might kill someone.

Oh, no.
Do you have a car?

No. Do you have a car?
No.

Oh. You know what?
We're gonna steal an ambulance.

Okay!

Morning, sleepyhead.

Richard?
Mmm. Not really.

Not yet anyway.
Soon though.

What's going on?

It's kind of a long story.

Nutshell version: I have to kill you to
stay in this body permanently. Got it?

Good.

Wait!
Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Um, you're not Richard?

No.
Who are you?

Apparently
an Ancient Unnamed Evil.

And you're trying to
get into this world?

Mm-hmm.

Why is that exactly?
Good question.

You see, I've always existed
in a nonphysical state...

not alive, not dead,
just being.

It's very boring.

Uh-huh.
Yeah, I can see that.

But, uh, my point is, why...

I mean, you come
into this... this world,

and you choose
Richard Scarry...

to be the vessel
of your... your, what...

unnamed evilness?

I mean, see, you then,
for all intents and purposes,

will be Richard Scarry.

You're gonna have all
of Richard's problems, which...

Well, not necessarily.
Absolutely.

What are you gonna do?

What, are you gonna go back
to school and get a degree...

in architecture?

You know, you'll be a 30-year-old man
with no job, no money, no prospects.

What do you suggest
I do?

Well, I'm glad you asked.

See, I know a lot of people.

I have a lot of...
clients... you know, wealthy clients.

Businessmen, investors.

I could show them to you,
and if you see...

something that you like...

- I don't know anything about business.
- Politics then!

It doesn't matter.

The point is, why settle on the first
thing that comes along, you know?

This is your life we're talking
about on the physical plane.

I mean, that's...
that's a big choice.

Right?

You're good.
What do you mean?

You had me going there
for a second.

I'm serious. I can get you a better deal.
That's what I'm trying to say.

I'm sorry.

But, you know, Richard
was right about one thing...

You just
can't be trusted.

Oh!

No!

Throw me the key,
Richard.

Give me the key.
Mary.

Give it to me! What are you gonna
do, hurt your friend...

You just...

I was in the middle
of a sentence!

Wait for me!

No!

No!

Richard! What do you
think you're doing?

- No!
- Look at me when I'm talking to you!

- I'm not Richard, lady.
- Don't you take that tone of voice with me.

Mr.... What was it?
Ancient Unnamed Evil.

Ancient Unnamed Evil,
or whatever it is you are!

I don't care what dimensional
rift you crawled out from under.

I carried that body in me
for nine months...

and spent 12 hours in labor
to pop it out.

That body belongs to me!

It is mine, and you will not have it.
Do you understand?

Seriously?

Richard Randolph Scarry,

I want you to take back control
of your body at this instant!

- Do you understand?
- He can't hear you!

Do you hear me?
I'm gonna count to three!

- And then what?
- One.

Two!

She's really counting.
Three!

I'm telling you,
Richard is...

- Mom?
- Oh, Richard!

No, not really.
He's gone, Mrs. Scarry!

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have a ritual sacrifice to commit.

Hey!
Give me back my son!

Ow! Stop it!

Or else what?

You'll make me angry.

You try to be nice,

have a little respect
for the host body's family.

Where does it get you? I think there
was something in those brownies.

You're not gonna hurt me.
Oh, no?

Maybe not last night when
Richard was still fighting.

But he's long since
given up now.

You wanna know why?

Because he's weak!
Because he's a pushover!

Because he lacks
that killer instinct!

Oh, Je...

There's my boy.

You can fight me
all you want, Richard,

but you gotta
go to sleep sometime.

Oh! Ah!

Ah! Hey, hey.

- Richard!
- Stay back, Mom!

- What are you doing, Richard?
- He's gonna kill himself.

What? It needs 13 sacrifices to
break through this dimension...

and bind itself
to Richard's body.

Don't you dare!
Well, I mean, if that's what it takes.

Come on, Richard.
We can work something out.

All I want to do is live.

You want my body?

You want to know
what it's like to live?

Well, everything that lives
has to die.

You know what
your problem is, Richard?

You're too damn nice.

Oh!

Oh, God.

Stay with me.
Stay with me. Come on.

Stay with me.

Thank you, Richard.

Hey.
Hey, there's my boy.

Mom?
What are you doing here?

I had them put us
in the same room.

Why aren't you in bed?

Mom!
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

You'll wake them up.

You know, I like her,
by the way.

I think she's... she's odd,
but you could do worse.

Aren't I supposed to be...
Dead? You were.

For three minutes.

We got you back here
in the ambulance.

But I stabbed myself in the heart.
Almost.

You were
very, very close.

Oh. Wow.

I really can't do
anything right, can I?

Well, you're
an all-right son.

Ah. Thanks.

Pull another stunt like that,
I will kill you myself. I was possessed.

I don't care.

You don't
get to go before me.

Not that I'm gonna go,
because I am not gonna go.

I love you, Mommy.

And I love you... more.

I've known you
longer.

And oh, boy,
you missed a lot.

TV and I, we...
we were framed for murder.

Really?
Yes, we were.

We had to go on the run
to clear our names. Wow.

I know. I know.

And then we uncovered a plot
to take over the earth...

by this hostile
alien species...

who did not look anything
like any aliens I have seen.

You remember that
science teacher you had?

Hey.
Mary!

What are you doing here?

Oh. Thought I'd bring this
to Richard for his room.

It's the middle of the night.
Yeah, well, I couldn't sleep.

Figured I'd come down here
and see how he was doing.

Chip?

Thanks.

It's funny... you and Richard are
the closest thing I have to friends,

and you don't
even like me.

I like you.

Thanks.

You wanna have sex
with me?

Wh... What?

Sex, with me...
you wanna have it?

What... What is this,
some kind of joke?

No.

Oh. Crap.
What?

I'm dreaming.

No, you're not.
Yeah, I am.

No, you're not.
I am totally dreaming.

All right. Touch my boob.
You see?

You would never say something like...
Touch it!

Fine.

Does that feel like
a dream boob to you?

I don't...
I don't know.

Come here.

Why?

Come... here.

I'm-I'm sor...

Don't...
come... free.

It don't... come... free.

Don't... come... free.

It don't... come... free.

Don't... come... free.

It don't... come... free.

It don't... come... free.

Don't... come... free.

Mary.

It don't... come... free.

It don't... come... free.

It don't... come... free.

It don't...

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