All language subtitles for The Unicorn s02e02_English

Can I just sayhow great it is

that you finallyfound Shannon?

But...

No, no "but."

You know, what are
the odds, right,

that you meet somebodyby chance in a cemetery,

and then, months later,

you manage to find them again?

That's great.

But...

No but!

What's with the buts?
There's no but.

It's just... my alarm bells
are going off, okay.

She sounds so complicated.

I mean, you got the kid,
you got the ex-husband,

you got the pre-airbags Volvo.
I mean... alarm bells.

I thought you said
there were no buts.

FORREST:No, no, no.

No, technically that was
an "it's just."

Thank you.There she is.

Look at her, y'all.
My college girl!

Ooh, killin' it!

Ben, I've been in college
for three days.

Not even a quiz yet.

I haven't actually
killed anything.Uh-uh. Come here.

I'll tell you what
you're killing.

Hmm? Hmm?You know what you're killing?

Everybody else's chances
at valedictorian.[laughter]

[laughs]

Stop it.

Did we order dinner already?

'Cause Kai is eating sunflower
seeds from the bird feeder.

Kai, put that down.

FORREST:
Oh, there's this cute place

off Glenwood that I pass
every day

on the way to my new office.

Countertops?That's not a restaurant.

They sell stone countertops.

Really?Yeah.

I wanted to try it
for so long.

DELIA:Okay, well, look,

about Shannon, um,I wasn't gonna say anything,

but since you brought it up...

No, I didn't. Wasn't-wasn't me.

That's not an accurate
description

of what happened at all.Nope. Nope.

Look, here's the thing.
Unrealistic expectations

can be so crushing.

Like, 'cause you spendso much time

imagining this total stranger
to be some perfect person,

and, really, what do you
even know about her?

Oh, I know a lot.

For instance?

Uh, it's not what I know
up here.

It's what I know in here.

MICHELLE:Hey, how about we order from

the Marsh Creek MiningCompany?Ooh.

Wait, that's a restaurant?

Uh, no, no, no, no.
That's so greasy.

What? Come on,
I start high School tomorrow.

Do you really want me
to be known as the girl

whose entire head is
one giant pimple?

And everyone's gonna be like,"Oh, my God, look,

"it's the new girl

"who doesn't have a head,
just the biggest zit

I've ever seen."
Is that really what you want?

Okay, okay, you said
Shannon's a chef, right?

Yeah.Her place do take-out?

I don't know.Is it her place,or does she just work there?

I don't-- I don't know.

Okay, well, why don't we look itup? What's her last name?

I don't know.

Okay, you're right.

I get it. There's a lotabout Shannon that I don't know.

And you're worried that
I'm being unrealistic.

Yes.But you also thought

that I would never find her,
and I did.

I was right about that.

And I'm right about this, too.

Tomorrow night'sour first date.

I'm taking her out to dinner.

For the ceremonial unveiling
of last names.[laughter]

Know what, not only am I
gonna get her last name,

I might even get her
middle name.

What?!Whoa, watch out, player.

I'm eating croutons, folks.

This is whatit's come to.

Okay, let's order some dinner.

All right,
why don't we just, uh,

try that new place off the park,Super Noodle?

The kids' bookstore?

Oh, come on, now...now that'sintentionally misleading. Right?

Okay, I hope you guys
don't mind I finished

the last of the yirgacheffe.

There's still plenty ofSumatran Peaberry left, though.

That's salt, my dude.

[laughs]

[a la Ed McMahon]:
You are correct, sir. Yes.

[chuckles]

Ed McMahon?

Hey-oh!
[laughter]

Dimitri. Sick vid.

[laughing]:
Oh, yeah.

[laughing]

Oh, it's so cool.

FORREST: They have
a group text.

All of them, all together.

They share jokes and stuff,
and... I'm not on it.

Well, I'm sure it'sjust an oversight.

I mean, you're new.

It's not 'cause I'm new, Delia.
It's because I'm old.

The next oldest
guy there

is, like, 35, and
they call him "gramps."

I bet not one of them
has ever sent a fax.

Not one single fax.

Well, I'm sure they'd send one
if you asked them to.

Why would I ask them to?You seem to want them to.

No, no, it's just

that I feel completely left out.

Well, honey, why don't you
talk to your guy--

what's his name-- Dimitri?

Oh, my main dude Dimitri.Yeah.

Ask your main dude
to add you to the group text.

Oh, I don't know.

They might call me thirsty.

Thirsty's a word they use
all the time.

If you have to ask,
you'll never understand,

so I don't want to ask.

[quietly]:
Okay...

[Wade sighs]

Uh, hey, buddy,

Is, uh, is your mom home?

She's yelling at my dad.

SHANNON: Pick up your
phone, you jerk.

You were supposed
to be here an hour ago.

Call me back. Hi.Hi.

I am so sorry. Ugh!
Frustrated.

My ex was supposed to
be here to watch Bert,

and, um, he's not.

Ah, well, that-that's okay.

No, no, it's not.

I was really looking
forward to tonight.

I mean, I shaved my legs
and everything.

I-I don't know why... I don't
know why I just told you that.

Hey, you know, I have kids, too.I know stuff happens.

It's-it's not a problem.

We can, we can do this
another night.

I have an idea. I don't know.
Is this crazy?

Is it crazy for us
just to eat here?

I could whip something up.
You've already met Bert.

And you shaved your legs.

I still don't know why
I said that to you.

Um, yeah?Yeah.

I would love to.
Great.

Okay.Okay, come on in.

So this girl Riley
from my algebra class,

she was like, "Hey, want
to sit together at lunch?"

And then Riley's friends
from her middle school

came and sat with us,
and I was all, "Score!"

Wow. So you met your crew
on day one?

Yeah, I thought so.

And then they started talking
about anime.

What about anime?I don't know.

I don't know anythingabout anime.

But that's all they talk about,and I do not want to be one of

those weird kids who onlytalks about anime at lunch.

So? It's just one lunch.

No, because then,
when the bell rang,

they all said,
"See you tomorrow, Grace."

So that's it, I'm
officially one of those

weird anime kids who's
obsessed with folding robots

and girls with cat ears
and lightning for hair.

I got this.

Hey.

I couldn't help but
hear that story

about the girl
from your algebra class.

Yeah. I'm sure it sounds dumb.

It's just hardstarting a new school.

It is, but that's not
what I'm getting at.

See, I'm in this econ class,

and you need a lot
of algebra for that.Mm-hmm.

So could you remind me,
how do you do algebra?

Oh, my God, look at that.

That looks amazing.
What is it?

Well, it's a tomato puréewith layers of artisanal cheese,

uh, tender bitesof spiced pork,

and it's all wrappedin a delicate puff pastry.

Have a seat.Ah.

It's, uh, it's basicallyjust a homemade Hot Pocket

because I haven't beenin the store in forever.[both laugh]

Well, uh, cheers.Cheers.

[music plays indistinctly
in background]

Mm.

You know, I knew that
we were kindred spirits.

I mean, you work with food,

and I work with plants,
but we both take

whatever we've got to work with

and we create something
special from it.

Aw.

Wade, do you want to
hear a joke?

Uh...

Yeah, uh, sure thing, buddy.

Okay, a gynecologist
walks into a bar...Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Do you even know
what that means?

Nope. But then a naked ladyorders a screwdriver...

SHANNON:
Okay, you know what?

It's bedtime. It's bedtime.Okay.

Come on, I'll be five minutes.

I mean, who am I kidding?
He's gonna want a story.

It's gonna be, like, 15.

[sighs]

I kind of want to hear
the end of that joke.

See, you can't solve for "X"
until you isolate it

on one side of the equation.Oh, right, of course.

If I were you, Mom, I would
start with the fundamentals.

Like these division problems.

That's your homework, Noah.

These first two are wrong.

Go.

[both chuckle]

Look at my coed.
She just never stops.

And, Grace,

learning from the master,
I see.

That's right.

That sure is.Mm-hmm.

[laughter]

DELIA:
Hey, everybody. Addie!

Honey, let's go.

We've got time for half
a Great British Bake-Off.Oh, shoot.

Natalie and I should
get going, too.

We have school in the morning.

I mean, unless I get lucky
and get crushed

by a tree branch
in the middle of the night.

Natalie, let's go!

Is Grace okay?You know,

new school; it's hardto find your place.

Oh, my God,
it never changes.

Forrest is having the same
problem at his new job.

Change is hard.

Not for you, baby.Right.

'Cause I'm killing it.

Killing it.

I just hate to see
Forrest this upset.

I'd reach out to his
colleague Dimitri myself

if I didn't know
it was a bad idea.

But you do know
it's a bad idea, right?

Is it?Yes!

I just said it was.

Guess I'll just have to
watch him suffer pointlessly.

Definitely will.Yes, you will.

I just said I will!

So I spent two years working
on a vegan farming co-op.Mm.

And then I spent a summer
apprenticing for a butcher.

Wow.Lost a lot of friends that year.

[both laugh]So let me ask you this.

Yes.Uh, if I were

to get a whole hogfrom my uncle...
Mm-hmm.

...you could dress it for me?Yes, I could.

That is so unbelievably hot.

Is it?That's so hot.

Okay. All right.Oh, that's so hot.

Oh...Ah!

That is so unbelievably
unfortunate.

Too late for another?

No. Not even kinda.
You do that,

and I'll go check on Bert,
because he's been sleepwalking

and peeing in his sock drawer.

Oh, yeah, you better go do that.

[sighs]

Do you know what'sgoing on in this show?

No, it doesn't make any sense.

Hey, I'm at eight percent.
How much you got?

59.Oh, juice me.

I don't want to miss it ifthey add me to that text chain.

FORREST:
I'm not sure about this
coconut sparkling water.

It almost tastes like

the outside of a coconut,
you know?[phone chimes]

Deels.

Hmm? Uh, just writinga quick e-mail.

FORREST:
Yeah, it's, like,
hairy-flavored.

I don't think that's what
they were going for.

[sighs]

[exhales sharply]

[door closes]

Who the hell are you?!

[screaming]

Who the hell are you?!Who are you?

Who am I? Who are you?

[shushing]

SHANNON:
What is going on?

I-I caught this guy
in your house.What?

I live here.
Put the ladle down
before you bend it.

What-- Who-who the hell
is this guy?

SHANNON:
This is Doug.

My ex-husband.Your...

WADE:
W-What's he
doing here?

What-- Like I said, I live here.

In the garage, but this
is where the food is.

Uh, well, and the batteries,
supposedly.Doug, this is Wade.

Ni-- Oh, niceto meet you, Wade.

Uh, what, do you work with Shan?

Uh, no. No, actually,
I'm her date.

Oh, good for you.

Crap, I'm supposed to be
watching Bert.

Yeah, how's that going?

Uh...BERT: Why is everyone
talking so loud?

Can I watch
a MythBusters?No way.

Yeah, sure.What are you doing?
It's almost 11:30.

I'm just trying to smooth out
your date.WADE: Uh, you know what?

It looks like you guys
got a lot to work out.

I'm just gonna...No, no, no. Please don't go.

This is just gonna
take a minute.BERT: Mom?

Why are all
my socks wet?

[sighs]Aw, buddy,

you're still doing that?SHANNON:
No, don't do that.

Do not make him feel bad.Yeah, we gotto find a way

to lock those drawers.That is not
the solution,

and you know it.
I'll be right there, bud.

WADE:
Uh, I guess, uh,

I'm gonna go.

Sure.Uh...

There. Yeah.Ah. Here.

Her ex-husband lives with her?

No. No, he lives
in the garage.Oh...

An attached garage?Yeah.

Yeah, but, uh, he, you know,he only comes in the house

if he has to use the bathroomor get some food or something.

Real talk,
isn't an attached garage

just a room that you
put a car in?

Okay, Ben, yes,he lives in her house.

Do you really want to keeppicking this scab?No, no.

I got it.[phone chimes]

Oh, wow. Deels, Deels.

DELIA: Mm.Deels, Deels,
Deels, check it out.

What?Check it out. I just got
added to the work text chain.

[laughs]Well, now,

you see?

I knew it wasjust a matter of time

before you got inwith that crowd.

Oh, man, I'm so jazzed.

I mean, I expected
to be jazzed,

but I'm even more jazzed
than I thought I'd be,

[laughs]:
and that was pretty jazzed.

Well, good.[phone chimes]

Hmm.What? What is it?

Oh, nothing. Nothing.

No, it's just, Sequoia
from generational branding,

she sent this funny
thing about, uh,

the fruit cart guy in the
lobby downstairs and I...

Just trying to think
of, uh, a good reply.

Well, do you have to?

Yeah, of course. I got to
make my mark on this thing.

I don't want people regretting
they added me, you know?

Guys?Yeah?

Flag on the play:

Shannon lives with her ex.

Of cour-- Of course she does.

Of cour-- I mean, why doesnobody listen to my alarm bells?

I mean, they've just beenring-ding-aling-ing

for anybody to hear,this whole time.

God, there's so many memes
flying around on this chat.

Hey, is, um,

Kermit sipping tea
still a thing?

DELIA:Oh, honey, it's a,it's a text chain.

Just type the letter "K"
and be done with it.

No way. I worked my butt off
trying to get in this thing.

I'm not gonna blow it now.

Wade, I'm so sorry.

[sighs]
Don't be sorry.

I hate want to admit it,
but you were right.

I just built the whole thing uptoo high in my head.

Look, I-I just want
what's best for you.

And I'm sure Shannon's great.

It's just, her life sounds

so chaotic-- not that there's
anything wrong with chaos,

but I mean, come on,
chaos is terrible, so...

FORREST:Guys,

is the "Cash Me Outside"meme too played or what?

Forrest, not right now.

Am I better off with the lady
pointing at the cat?

Forrest, please.I mean,

w-where do you find good memesanyway, huh? Oh, God.

Memes, memes,memes, memes.

God, this is so hard!

Can't believe I--
What was I thinking? I...

Forrest, I've got something
to tell you.

Uh-huh?I'm the reason that
you're on that text chain.

I e-mailed Dimitri and
I asked him to add you, okay?

You e-mailed Dimitri?

My main dude Dimitri?

Yeah.

[gasps] Do you have any idea
how humiliating that is?

[groans]

Yeah...Uh...

[both stammer]

Honey...

Honey, I am so sorry.

You're gonna undo this.You're gonna e-mail Dimitri

and you're gonna tell himto take me off the list.

No.

No. I got to do it myself.

But I don't wantto be off the list.

God, what have you done to me?

I just wanted you
to make friends.

Forrest, where are you going?

I don't know. This way.

Come on, you're hogging the TV.

[shushes] I'm on the fifthepisode of
Ghost Princess Seven.

Riley said it's the bestepisode and she's so right.

Why does Ghost Princess Seven
have a tail?

Because she's the anointed one.

The one who can unite
the seven spirits

to defeat the overfiend.

Oh, God, are you turninginto an anime kid?

What? Just because
I like some anime

doesn't make me an anime kid.

Great. Now I missed
what the oyster said.

[door opens]

Looks like you coulduse a tutor.

You know what? I could.[chuckles]

It just so happens that, uh,

I could teach youa thing or two...No, Ben, I need a tutor!

I need a tutor
who understands algebra.

But baby, y-you are...

Don't tell me I'm killing it!

You keep telling me I'm
killing it but I'm not.

I'm drowning.

And I know how
proud of me you are,

but I don't know why I
thought I could do this.

I feel like I'm failing you.

Failing me?

Baby, you think I'm proud of youbecause you're great at math?

I'm proud of you'cause you're doing something

incredibly brave.

What?

Going back to school.

After all this time?

Of courseit's gonna be hard.

But don't let thatfreeze you up.

'Cause you aremy superstar.

Stop saying that.But you are.

Tell me another womanwith houseful of kids

that's doing whatyou're doing right now.

Go ahead, I'll wait.

There's Tina in my stats class.

Oh.

Tina in stats, huh?

Four kids?

Two kids.

Two kids?

Get out of here with two kids.

Two kids is nothing.[chuckles]

Ain't got four like you.Mm.

You got this, baby.

Now let me see that book.Now watch.

Act like I don't knowmy numbers.Hmm.

Help you out.So, where are we...

Yeah, you gonna need a tutor.

See you tomorrow, everyone.Orlando.

Good night.

Hey.

[chuckles]:Hey.

You're not concealing
a whisk, are you?

[chuckles]

I'm sorry last nightwas such a bust.

I just wish you would've told
me that you live with your ex.

Well, I thought we weregonna be out at a restaurant.

Okay, all right, but...Why does it matter so much?

Because I...

I think that this
could be something.

But we got to be
up-front with each other.

Look, my-my friends
keep telling me,

"You know nothing aboutthis woman," and you know what?

They're right.
They're right, I don't.Yeah.

You're right. You're--Okay. You're right,I should have told you.

But it just--I really wanted our first date

to be, like,fun and sexy, you know?

And then you couldget to my baggage.

Because the way I live,it's-it's real screwy.

You know?
I work late most nights

and Doug is always
out of town for work.

And we can't afford
two houses, so we want

to provide a-a normal,stable environment

for Bert and, I don't know,
is it ideal?

It's a mess,
but it's-it's the way it is.

We can't all havethese easy, clean divorces

the way you obviously have.

Right.

What?

I-I didn't mention this?

What?

Uh, I'm not divorced.

My wife Jill, she-she died.

Oh.

But I'm the one keeping secrets.

I mean, don't-- I'm sorry.

Sorry, don't get me-- I feel,I feel terrible. You poor thing.

Uh, thank you, but...But how could you nottell me that?

I-I should have.[laughs]:Yeah. Yeah.

You bet your ass
you should have.

Okay. I'm sorry.

Wow.

You're a widower.

And a father,you own your own business.

You must get laid a ton.

Uh, uh, no. No.

Uh, I'm not that kind of guy.

Uh-huh.

I mean, I could be.[both laugh]

But I am not. I'm not.All right.

But honestly, I re-- I could be.O-Okay. I got it.

Hey, could...

Could we do this
again tomorrow night?

I'm working the dinner shiftthe next two nights, and...

[sighs]Doug is away all weekend.

So yes, the answer's yes.I would love to.

I would love to, but...

anything we dowould have to involve Bert.

He doesn't scare me.

He will.

BOTH:
[chuckle] Okay.

Okay.All right.

Hey, Shannon?Yeah.

What's your last name?

What? You want me
to give away all my secrets?

No, ma'am.

[both chuckle]

All right. Okay.Okay.

Uh, guys, guys,I'm so embarrassed.

Uh, I know about the e-mail,

about putting me
on the group chat,

and it's just...

so not cool.

Seriously, I sympathize.

Low-key, your mom
sounds just like mine.

My mom?

Dude, I'm so with you.

I'm like, "Mom, I'm an adult.
Just let me grow up already."

[laughter]You know whatI mean? Like...

Yeah. Yeah, it's...

Moms: the worst.

The worst.Yes. Oh, my God.You get it.

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