Original subtitles

Son of a bitch!

What I wouldn't give for a different nightmare.

You had the dream too, dog?

Honey!

Honey!

Aretha!

Hey.

This is very important.

I had the dream again. The dog had it too.

Maybe it'll be on the 6:00 news...

if we only had the 6:00 news.

You look so good.

How'd you sleep?

Are you kidding?

Separate bedrooms is one thing, but this is ridiculous.

What's for breakfast?

Coffee, feta cheese, bread, feta cheese...

And for a change, a nice feta cheese omelet.

Well, that sounds great.

I love feta cheese.

Nino.

Come on, let's go take a piss.

Come on, Nino. Time to get moving.

It's all here, dog.

Beauty, magic, inspiration.

And serenity.

Not to mention silence, amazement...

intimacy, enchantment.

- Oh! You look great! - Thank you.

We gotta work on the theater.

- How about work on my theater? - Bread.

Good.

You're gonna drive me crazy.

I've forgotten what it's like to be sad after sex.

Hello, Mary.

- Morning, Dad. Morning, Aretha. - Morning, sweetheart.

I had the dream again.

Lower this thing! I can't hear anything.

- I had the dream again. - I had a dream too.

I was smoking pot at a Go-Go's concert.

Meet you after my swim.

You need a good breakfast. You've got a lot of work.

No kiss?

What's with her?

Oh. It's called puberty.

Mary, have some feta.

Some body.

Come on, baby. Let Kalibanos woo your poo.

Double your pleasure, double your fun!

Son-of-a-bitch dog!

Get him, Nino!

I told you not to spy, you creep.

- Dirty, stinking dog! - Get him!

I kill you!

Son of a bitch! Don't bite me!

Boss, hello. I saw a big scorpion. About this big.

Boss, you need new shoes.

I get you better shoes. Marco from Sicily...

Will you stop that?

Were you spying on my daughter?

No! Me, I am this rock. This rock, that's me.

- Touch her, I'll kill you. - I don't spy!

- Did you hear? - What?

If you touch my daughter, I'll kill you.

You understand what I'm saying to you?

Yes, boss. I understand.

Later we go fishing, boss?

Don't call me "boss."

- I no call you "boss." - Not at all.

I don't want to hear any "boss" from you anymore.

Okay...

Ah, no "boss."

We go fishing, eh?

Nino!

Nino! Come.

Well...

isn't this just so perfect?

Man in his element. Balance, harmony.

You know what Lao-tse said, don't you?

"Nature. And it speaks true, why not man?"

I hate New Year's Eve parties.

You say that every year.

Then you're the one that doesn't want to go home.

But those parties are with people we know.

- Everybody living will be there. - Everyone dead will be there.

Noisy, pretentious and very nervous.

We are noisy and pretentious and very nervous.

Will you quit it?

I should have stayed home and watched Guy Lombardo on TV.

Guy Lombardo's dead.

- Really? - Yeah.

- How sad. - Yeah.

Who's Guy Lombardo?

Antonia, pleasure to see you.

- How are you? - Fine, fine.

- Terry Bloomfield. - Oh, yes, sure.

Antonia Dimitrius. My wife, Betsy. Betsy Bloomfield. Hi.

Have you met my husband, Phillip?

Hi. Love to talk to you later about something.

Happy New Year.

I need a drink.

- I just saw John Travolta. - Who's John Travolta?

- Dad, you're kidding. - Give him my best regards.

Here comes Alonzo.

A perfect way to end the year. Hi.

Enough. Okay? Just enough.

What's the matter, pumpkin? Don't be that way.

Antonia. Phillip.

- Welcome to my home. - Thank you.

Happy New Year, my friends.

In seven minutes is Happy New Year.

Gabrielle. We met an hour ago and we are already in love.

Gabrielle, you're so beautiful. This is my wife, Antonia.

And Alonzo, this is our daughter, Miranda.

At that age, they don't like kisses.

Oh, I understand. I have only a son, but all he wants to do is kiss.

Well, Phillip, you happy?

I hope next year will be more fun.

Phillip is a moody man. But he's a genius, so all is forgiven.

I'm no genius, boss.

- You know the Alonzo Building? - Of course.

- Phillip designed it. - Oh, I love architects.

There's Woody Allen.

- Who's Woody Allen? - Dad!

- Who's Woody Allen? - You know Woody Allen.

Have fun. And don't forget, we fly to Atlantic City on Thursday.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

- Here, darling. - Thanks.

Do you realize the Split Enz are in Atlantic City?

I'm afraid to ask who the Split Enz are.

- Who are the Split Enz? - Very funny.

Happy New Year!

What?

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year, sweetheart.

Happy New Year, kid.

Happy New Year!

What, did you have a nightmare?

Oh, God. It's water. Jesus Christ!

A lot of waves.

Oh, God...

It was a wet dream, you might say.

You were there somewhere.

- You were on a yacht. - Yeah? What was I wearing?

You were drowning.

Emotional.

Oh, great. Wonderful.

Bring me a glass of water, please?

- Sorry, darling? - Would you bring me a glass of water?

I was talking to Terry Bloomfield at the party last night.

Who's that?

He's a big producer. You don't know him.

Yes, we met him when we first went in, with his wife. Remember?

Anyway, he asked me if I wanted to act again.

And?

I think I do.

It's a comedy, right here in the city. Why not?

Great.

I pick up the script tomorrow.

Good.

Fidel Castro.

Good.

What?

Did you hear one word I said?

Yeah.

Fidel Castro's producing a play and you're picking up the script tomorrow.

- You're full of shit. - I heard every word.

- Terry Bloomfield. - This is important.

It's a comedy.

I'm nervous about this.

Well, we're all nervous.

Why should you be nervous? Aside from being nuts.

Because I am now a very old person.

Oh? What does that make me?

You? You're beautiful.

You're very, very beautiful.

Really? Thank you.

You're very beautiful too. Very beautiful.

- For a very, very old person. - Thank you.

I gotta pee.

I gotta pee.

I gotta pee.

- Morning, Mr. Alonzo. - Hi, MacKenzie.

Mr. Gondorf.

- Hello, Phil. - How are you?

- How's Jeanette? - Good. Good. Kids are good.

How are your people?

Rust!

Rust! The beams are rusty!

What the hell is this? What are you doing to me?

Sorry. I didn't make the strike.

I'm sick and tired of it!

Between strikes, labor and taxes, it doesn't pay to own a casino.

Will we make our schedule?

- We'll try, sir. - Try?

Try?

"Try" is weak.

I want to hire a croupier by New Year's Eve.

With no more labor problems, we've got a shot.

Jesus!

I want this to be the greatest casino ever built.

Every floor named after a Roman emperor. Every suite after a poet.

What? No gods?

Yes, perfetto. Sure, why not?

We name the dining rooms for the gods. Genius!

That's why you pay me the big bucks, boss.

Yes, but you're becoming a bitter bastard.

I know.

- Peevish, childish, silly! - I agree.

You're a typical American. That's your problem.

You want to stay a boy. Impossible! And also stupid.

Look, boys don't have half the fun we have.

Boys are nervous. They don't know who they are yet.

They're mostly broke and make love in the back of a small sports car.

Son of a bitch, I'm catching a cold.

MacKenzie, how are we going to heat this place?

There's never a problem heating a casino.

You get enough people to generate the heat.

Have to air-condition even in the winter.

We'll go with a standard central boiler system.

Three-pipe vertical system. No problem.

Also, depending on the amount of glazing on the building...

you have a variable situation.

Now, Phil's gotta decide...

how much glass he'll use to face the building.

That'll allow heat gain in the winter and heat loss in the summer.

All these factors. So...

it depends on a lot of different...

But these things are all up in the air right now.

Depending on Phil's wishes, we'll make our decisions accordingly.

I quit.

Harry, tell him what I'll do to him if he quits.

Sue you. Make it impossible for you to work anywhere else.

Probably send a couple of goons to break up your kneecaps.

Live up to your contract, Phillip.

- Screw my contract. - He's a boy.

Turn down the air conditioning, please.

Turn down the air.

I'm just a little crazy.

Chalk it up to a midlife crisis. I just don't wanna build any more slums.

This will be the most fantastic casino ever built!

- Want me to beg? - A contract is a contract.

It's a moral obligation.

It's freezing in here!

It's our founding godfather, Alberto Alonzo.

They're playing our song, Alonzo. Knock it off, we got the job.

Hear about the guy who crossed a hooker with an elephant?

He got a 2000-pound blond who puts out for peanuts.

Wonderful people. Are you painted on these seats?

I could have leaped in the air and landed on this.

Got that from Yma Sumac. Big chance. Here they are.

Bojangles and his girl. Not an easy life.

Give me a little song. Give me a little Pearl Bailey.

I don't know why, he makes me laugh.

Buy his contract.

- For how long? - For life. Laughter is never cheap.

Pressure's high but nothing terrible.

You've got a slight cold. But, really, you're fine.

What do you mean, fine? Why do I feel so lousy, then?

Sixty hard years. I'm not a magician.

If you were a good doctor, you'd find something wrong.

- Take two aspirins. - Aspirins?

Dr. Theo Sebastian, Arnie Trinc.

- He's our resident comedian. - How do you do?

You make them cry, I'll make them laugh.

- A German couple... - I know it. A favorite of mine.

I love it.

How are you, Phillip?

I'm drinking too much, smoking too much and feeling tense.

Sounds just like me.

How long you been with Alonzo?

- I'm ending my five-year contract. - Will you renew?

Well, my stethoscope says no...

but my bank account says probably yes.

I have expensive fantasies.

What about you, Harry?

I'm on for life.

Same as me, Harry. You know the definition of Jewish foreplay?

Two hours of begging.

This is not my room.

- Scotch, please. - Next, I'll have to chip in for gas.

Good to see you. Guess the castle closed early tonight.

- Very nice. - Phillip, let's have a talk.

Igor, follow him. You'll have a big laugh.

Laurel and Hardy, know the act well. Have my laundry by Tuesday.

Phillip...

you having trouble at home?

Why?

When a man as smart as you is jumpy, it's usually about his bedroom.

- Oh, thank you. - No, my bedroom is fine.

She getting the headaches?

No, I'm getting the headaches.

Maybe you need something very young.

Not that your wife isn't a beautiful woman. She is.

But let's face it, sometimes a man needs new flesh.

- You have a great way with language. - I talk straight.

You have energy. I don't know how you do that.

How I do it?

I know that every moment I have may be my last.

So I'm in one big hurry.

Don't you ever want to relax? Hang out with your boy?

That's what Christmas is for.

Hear about the Polish strip joint? "Put it on, put it on!"

How about the Mexican TV show, Little House on the Chevy?

- The guy working in a sawmill... - He makes me laugh.

Remind me, I have to talk to you about my mausoleum.

Hi, kid.

What are you looking at?

Pigeons.

I wake you up?

No. I couldn't sleep. Maybe I should take some Valium.

- Out of the question. - Why?

Because I said so. It's not good for you.

How come you use it?

How's school?

Exceptionally boring. Except for basketball.

I have to see you play.

We play Thursday against Taft. They're all black and seven feet tall.

Isn't that prejudice?

No, it's the truth. They're all black and seven feet tall.

You having a good time?

You're extremely philosophical for this early in the morning.

We should play sports together.

- You? - Yeah. I'm not kidding.

- Anything the matter? - We couldn't sleep.

You want some breakfast?

I'm going back to bed.

- If I'm not up by 7, wake me up. - "Please."

Please.

- Goddamn. - Are you okay?

I wanna quit.

Quit what?

I wanna get out. I've had enough.

- What do you want instead? - I don't know.

I wanna travel. I wanna dream and wander.

Wonderful. You wanna wander, I wanna work.

- Bad timing? - No. No. No, no.

If you wanna quit, you should.

But if I quit, then I won't have any more excuses, will I?

Are you not in love with me?

What the hell has love got to do with this?

I'm asking you.

I wanna know.

- Do you care what happens to me? - I don't need your guilt.

You're not answering the question.

I care about you.

I care about your work.

I care about your happiness. I care.

But most of the time, I don't give a shit about anything.

Except yourself, you mean.

That's right, exactly. See how... These bore me.

These cheese things bore the shit out of me.

This floor bores me. This kitchen and the white walls bore me.

This stinks. I can't stand looking at it.

This goddamn vase bores me.

Go ahead. Break it. Do it!

Bullshit.

I'm the king of high tech.

I hate this cat. I hate its whiskers. I don't like its eyes.

I don't like your face, cat.

I hate cats with your goddamn fleas.

And I hate you.

There we have it.

Sorry, kid.

What's the matter?

So far you've got a great heart.

Is that good or bad? I mean, is it good?

You call me... Just call me Phil.

- Tell me when you get tired. - I could do this for another hour.

Yeah, but we want you alive.

- Is something wrong, really? - Nothing's wrong. Just keep walking.

- Do you have a cigarette? - Tell me when you've had enough.

- 190 over 100. - 190, is that good?

190 over 100, is that the actual "satisfactual" thing?

All right, I'm all right.

- I've had enough. - Okay.

Be careful. I want you to make a right.

- Right. - That's it.

Step up here. I want you to lay on your back.

- How you feeling? - Fine.

- Emergency call for Mr. Dimitrius. - You can put the call through.

Hello. Harry, what's the matter?

No, this is just a routine checkup.

When did that happen?

All right, I'll fly out tomorrow.

You have bad news?

Yeah. A fellow named MacKenzie just died of a heart attack.

It won't be easy to replace a foreman like MacKenzie. You know him well?

No, not really. But I liked him.

Classy man, no bullshit.

He didn't talk a lot. But you could trust him.

He'll be tough to replace, won't he?

- Do you ever stop working for Alonzo? - That's not fair.

- You never do, do you? - No, I guess not.

What's he got on you?

Not a thing. I'll tell you something, Phil.

Gangsters are everywhere. Business, sports, government.

With Alonzo, it's all right out front.

Maybe I'll just find myself an island.

Watch the sun come up.

Gangsters are on islands too.

Do I sound like George Burns, just a little?

- You have a nice voice. - I can't stand that word, "nice."

- A sweet voice. - I hate that word.

- A tragic voice. - I'll buy that.

Terry, tell us about the play, or can't you?

It's commercial, I'll admit it. It's a comedy.

- Yeah, so? - Let Paul explain. He's directing it.

It's a cross between Chorus Line and Macbeth.

We're studying Macbeth in school. It's unbelievably boring.

When are you gonna do some Pinter or Pirandello...

something that's not so safe?

- Safe? - Commercial.

I see. Listen, my darling Mark...

I've taken more chances on or off Broadway than any producer.

- I lost more money than any producer. - True.

You can say that again.

I saw something by Pinter on TV. It was really boring.

- Pinter shouldn't be seen on TV. - Is there any more p�t�?

Certainly. Certainly.

- You ought to be in bed. - Soon as Johnny Carson's over.

Does anybody sing at this party?

- Hello. - Moonlight!

Moonlight and love song, jealousy and hate.

You're home early.

Are you drunk?

No, I'm working on it. Will you introduce me?

- I came from a funeral. This a party? - Yes. You know everybody.

- What are we celebrating? - This is Phillip.

- My pleasure. - Hi, how are you?

- Here's Cynthia. - Hi, sweetie.

Hello.

- I don't think you've met... - I know you.

- Paul Fredericks, I'm the director. - Sorry to jump all over you but...

Good to see you. You can let go.

Betsy and Terry Bloomfield.

- How are you? - How are you?

We met New Year's Eve. I don't know if you remember.

- Good. Sorry. - You all right?

Terry Bloomfield! You're the producer?

- Right. - The one that my wife is...

We've had a great evening.

- You had a great evening? - Yeah.

- Where? - Right here.

You use this whole apartment?

It's fantastic. I just love the...

- You like it? I did it. - It's wonderful.

I did it all. I designed it.

- It's a wonderful place. - It's wonderful.

- You okay? - Excuse me, I'm sorry.

Would you dance with me?

- Just say "yes." Don't complicate it. - Sure.

Let me put my arm around you.

Can you sing? I can't dance without music.

- What should I sing? - My steps are clumsy.

- Okay? You all right? - Let's go home.

Easy, baby. Take it easy.

What the hell are you doing up at this hour?!

What the hell is this kid doing up...

at one of these goddamn meanie show-business parties?

Excuse me. What are you doing up at this hour?

All right.

Good night. Take care.

Hey, excuse me. I'm terribly sorry for being a bad host.

Take it easy, pal.

- No hard feelings? - No, I enjoyed your entrance.

- The scene was overplayed. - You'll be okay?

- Sure. - You sure?

Absolutely.

Good night, darling.

Good night.

So long, guys.

That was truly, uniquely...

disgusting.

I want this kid to go to bed.

- I'm not "the kid." Kids are goats. - Go to bed!

You're the one that ought to be in bed.

Tell it like it is, baby.

You're really rude.

Yes, sir.

Once more, with feeling!

See that?

Show me the magic.

Sorry. The problem is, I found a white hair on my chest.

I plucked it out. The problem is, it grew right back.

The problem is, you need help.

Help.

Your mother and I argued once a week, for the fun of it.

Small things. To buy a car or not.

Why didn't I go to church more?

Too many backgammon games with the boys.

Gus, come here. I wanna tell you something.

My boy had a fight with his wife.

- Did you hit her? - No.

- It's not a fight. - There, you see?

You look like goat shit.

You think of yourself as old?

It's relative. When I'm with Miranda, I feel like an old man...

because she's a little girl.

When I'm with Nick Pappas, I feel like a spring chicken.

Nick is pushing 80.

Come on, come on.

And when you're with me?

I feel like a father. Not young, not old.

Just, "Here is my son, Phillip."

How is he doing?

"Why doesn't he visit his old man more often?" Papa stuff.

- And you're never confused? - I'm always confused. Always.

I remember yesterday better than today. That's life.

Life is problems. Life is joys. Life is a joke.

Did you hear this? What is Jewish foreplay?

Two hours of begging.

Nick Pappas told me. I thought it was new.

You're in trouble, eh, kid?

Yeah, the money and the power don't mean a thing.

And the family?

Antonia wants to work again.

Miranda watches us argue. It's great.

- You got a girlfriend? - No.

- She got a boyfriend? - No.

Wait, wait, wait.

Marriage is like baseball.

It's a long season.

You're a funny man, Pop.

Yeah, I'm a funny man. Go take a vacation.

Go to Greece. Watch the grapes grow.

Did you hear the one about the Polish striptease joint?

"Put it on, put it on."

- Who told you that, Pop? - Johnny Carson.

All right, Nino. Come on, let's go to work.

- Aretha? - Yeah?

- Did you ever dye your hair? - Sure.

I was a redhead for three months.

Good work. You're doing great work.

We're doing excellent work. And you're doing good work.

Everyone's doing good work.

I want a pink and green streak in my hair.

I could do that. I worked in a beauty parlor.

Really?

I worked in a beauty parlor, I was a teacher...

Acoustics, excellent. You can hear in the strongest wind.

Feta!

- When did you have your first affair? - High school.

- Captain of the basketball team. - Bring rocks.

He was, like, 10 feet tall.

- I may die a virgin. - Right over here.

- Boss, how about a fig break? - Five more minutes.

Maybe tourist boat come. Who'll show them the caves?

How long have we been here?

A year, right?

Yeah, a year. Yes, a year. Twelve full moons.

How many people have come since us?

The English lady looking for ruins and the Arab looking for oil.

She's saying there won't be tourists today.

- Thank you. - Okay, okay, okay!

- We're not tourists anymore. - No, we're day laborers.

We're learning how to live like humans.

Humans go to movies.

They shop and have fun. They get a piece of the action.

"Piece of the action." Where did you get that kind of talk?

From TV. In the bad old days.

Thank God there's no such crap on this island.

We've got goats and chickens and cheese and rocks.

You can take the next boat out. You can grab the next boat out.

- What boat? - The boat!

Take it. It's a rowboat trip. All the way, 40 miles.

Kalibanos, run her over.

You son of a bitch!

- All you think of is sex. - Six months is a long time without it!

I know. I know.

But I now am consciously...

practicing celibacy.

You're consciously practicing...

- You are loony-tunes! - I am loony-tunes.

Loony-tunes, loony-tunes, loony-tunes.

You are loony-tunes!

Isn't this beautiful? Isn't this beautiful?

- This is so beautiful. - Wasn't that a moment...

that you'd never experienced any place else on this polluted globe?

Never any place else.

- That was pretty neat. - Hey, hey, kid.

- I got surprise. - No, thanks.

No, no, it's good surprise. Come.

It's good surprise. It's secret.

What's the secret?

- I got TV in my cave. - What?

Sony Trinitron. I trade four goats...

including my dear Alexander, to Marco from Sicily.

Show me!

- Does it work? - Sure thing, pretty lady.

Have a fig while I fix the aerial.

Incredible.

"Ring around the collar."

"Good to the last drop."

No, no.

Good show, good show, huh?

Some show, huh?

Kalibanos not such a bad guy, huh?

- You like Kalibanos. - Have a fig.

- I will eat you like this fig. - Can't you ever stop?

I know you're a sweet flower.

I know you're only a kid. I'm only a kid too.

First of all, you're not a kid. Second of all, I'm not a kid either.

I want to touch. I want to kiss.

I want to balanga you with my bonijoni.

You mean sex?

Sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm in... I'm in love!

I'm in agapi.

Hello.

So soft, eh? Like dove.

Like bird feather.

Beautiful goddess, my beautiful goddess.

You pervert, you asked for it!

Beat it, kid.

I know I'm not a kid anymore.

How can I still be a kid? I have physical evidence to prove it.

A lot of good it's done me to mature. I still feel like a kid.

I feel like I'm just as crazy as the rest of them. Just like Dad.

Maybe it runs in my family.

I hate it here. I wanna go home.

I want tight Levi's, high heels...

I wanna go to a concert. I want my cat.

A frozen daiquiri.

Frozen daiquiris are too sweet and they make you dizzy.

It's the principle.

I don't want a daiquiri. I tasted one and almost barfed.

But I'm not free.

- Mom is, you are, I'm not! - We're not free, just older.

- You do what you want. - I dream what I don't do.

Like what? Besides quitting work.

My job is part of what I am. It's not that simple, dodo.

School sucks, but I can't quit. It's not that simple for me either.

Do you think it's fun asking for money?

Yeah, yeah. Too bad.

Kids have no economic base. We're hostages.

You watch too much television.

I don't. I hardly watch television.

I read all the time. You always see me reading.

Where did you get that from? I don't watch TV. That's stupid!

Here's what I watch:

I just watch, Monday and Friday nights, and Saturday Night Live.

- I don't love him. - He uses people like Kleenex.

- He blows his nose on them. - Don't. It's my problem.

- Hey, kid, you want a divorce? - Yes, I do. I want my freedom.

You want your freedom? I'll throw you out the window...

on your ass! Go like a bird! Go ahead, big shot!

If you don't love him, how can you see him?

- Were you listening to us? - Yes.

- She lives here. She should hear this. - I don't want you stuck in the middle.

- Can't you go to a counselor? - Yeah, we could go see a shrink.

Don't showboat in front of our child.

I don't want to live with your father anymore.

And he's not really interested in me.

- He loves you. - That doesn't count.

- But he's not interested in me. - No, Alonzo is.

- Yes, I think so. - I won't live with you and that creep.

- I'm not living with him. - Are you sleeping with him?

Miranda!

You can't ask me that!

- That's a good question. - You shut up!

He's about a hundred years old.

Honey, I love you.

If you love me, stay with Daddy!

I'm wrong, darling. I'm wrong. Your mother's right.

I'm wrong. The old man wants to wander.

- You're not old. - I know, but she's right.

It's time to move on.

- Well, what about me? - You are loved.

- Where are you going? - Greece, I guess.

Get back to your roots, that sort of thing?

Great way to break a contract. Trade your wife in for a job.

- That's low. - Yeah, but it's true.

When are you going?

- When am I going? Now, tomorrow. - Me too.

- No, I don't think so. - No. You're not going.

- I don't want you to go. - I won't live with you.

It's summer vacation. Why can't you take me?

Take her, Phillip.

Just for the summer, okay?

Yeah.

Just for vacation, okay?

Yeah.

Hi.

Hey, Pop-Tart! What you doing?

Kalibanos kissed me.

- What did you do? - I decked him.

- He has a TV in his cave. - A what?

A TV.

- So he asked you to go see his TV? - Yeah.

We have got to convince Dad to go.

Well, sweetheart...

it's not gonna be that easy, you know.

Crazy, isn't he?

Yeah. Sometimes he's crazy, sometimes he's not. Mostly he is.

Why do you stay?

- Folie a deux. - Explain.

Well, that's a French expression.

What it means is, when one person's nutty, and he's with another person...

soon the other person catches it.

Then they're both nutty. That's folie a deux.

You mean love.

Yeah.

- Look, Dad. What a funny dog. - That is a funny dog.

Miss, you and the dog?

Where you going?

Athens.

If that's inconvenient, how about Brooklyn?

Hop in.

Come on. Thattaboy.

Thanks.

I'm Phillip Dimitrius. This is my daughter, Miranda.

- Hi. - I'm Aretha Tomalin. This is Nino.

- Like Lily Tomlin? - Mine has an "A" in it.

- Who's Lily Tomlin? - Very funny.

"Aretha" is because my mom was a liberal socialist type...

and we had a maid she loved named Aretha, and named me after her.

- Divorced? - Separated. How did you know?

It's on your face.

- Are you the famous architect? - He sure is.

Why don't we grab a bite to eat and I'll tell you my life story?

My first husband was an Israeli I met in New York.

He dragged me to Tel Aviv.

Gorgeous. A Talmudic scholar with long eyelashes.

He taught swimming for a living.

Which, in Israel, is ridiculous...

because Jews don't believe they can float. Anyway, then...

Crazy about his mother; Maybe a little gay. It didn't work out.

So then in Jerusalem, I met a Greek and married him.

A shrink.

He flew me back to Athens. We set up housekeeping.

- The only problem was... - There.

Okay. Come here.

But I was his only patient, as Greeks don't believe in head-shrinking.

He took five-hour coffee breaks.

- Kafethes. Coca-cola? - Coke.

Coca-cola para-kalo.

So it didn't work, which brings us up to now. Am I talking too much?

No. You?

I also can sing "Hava Nagila" in two languages.

I'm gonna go look for some music.

She's really great.

That's how I'm working my way back. Getting singing jobs.

Back to New York?

Unless I fall in love with you, which is a distinct possibility.

That would be a mistake. I'm having a nervous breakdown.

- Who'd she run off with? - She didn't exactly run.

- You're in a lot of pain, huh? - So are you.

Of course.

- Do you like me? - Hey, I like you, really.

I've got to go wash my dog.

Thanks for everything. It was nice meeting you.

Say goodbye to the kid.

I get off work at 3. There's my address.

- Hi. Bye, nice to meet you. - Bye, Nino.

Come on.

I really like her a lot, but you'd better not do it.

- You can't tell me what to do. - Send me to a private school.

- Pervert. - You don't know anything about my...

Don't you walk away from me when I talk to you!

- Stop it! Such a pervert. - You're little, you're this big.

You're a little snot-nose. A little shit-pot.

- Hi, George. - Hello.

Hi.

- Worked late? - No.

I told you I got off at 3. How you doing?

- Listen... - Aretha.

I know your name.

This is difficult for me.

- Sleeping with me is difficult? - Not sleeping with you is difficult.

I can't do it, it's wrong. I came to give you back your key in person.

You're one of the sexiest...

women I have ever seen.

You're funny, and you make me feel good, but it's wrong.

My daughter is only part of it. I have a list of reasons.

My life is very complicated right now.

Five minutes after the sex, I'd be looking at my watch.

I don't even have one. Though the sex would be wonderful.

The sex would be incredible. Of that I feel certain.

It'd be the Fourth of July.

But I'd be thinking about my kid. About my wife.

I'd be thinking about storms, nightmares...

waves, electricals. You understand?

Look, thanks for being honest. Really.

- You understand me, don't you? - Yeah.

Yeah.

The reason I gave you my key is because I have...

this fear of not giving my key to the one person I should give it to...

because they might be the perfect one. That's all.

- There's no such thing as perfect. - I haven't given my key to many.

That's not what I mean.

I'm not guilty about sex, but maybe I haven't been very selective.

- But there haven't been that many. - I believe you.

So there's no obligation.

Well, I feel really good now. I really feel relaxed.

- You want a drink? How about? - I'm hot.

- Ice water then or a little? - I'd love a cold Sprite.

- George, we need two Sprites. Okay? - Okay.

- Sit here? - Yeah.

- Okay. So. - So.

What were you saying? You were talking about...

storms and electrical appliances.

What?

What?

Dreams and nightmares, didn't you?

George, how much do we owe you?

- Meta. - That means after. See you later.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. Are there any other requests?

"Volare," please.

- Well, this is not a nice surprise. - Be nice.

We come as friends.

- Hello, Phillip. - The same old gang.

- Where's Miranda? - She's home. She's sleeping.

- How did you find me? - We know everything.

- Including the singer. - Don't.

I just think we ought to have a talk.

He listens to you. You must be satisfying her.

- Is he? - Still a boy.

- I want to take Miranda home with me. - Where's home?

- The apartment. - Is he there too?

I spend time there. I'm honest with you.

I love Antonia. I want her happy.

And she wants her child back. So?

Summer is over.

We should ask Miranda what she wants.

- Hello. - Hello.

- I'm Aretha. - This is Aretha.

- You're the new guy. - She's the new girl.

And you're the doctor and the lawyer and the comic?

If you need a job, I can use a fortuneteller.

That's what they all say.

Phillip, we made a deal, okay? Summer's over.

I want her back. She's my kid, and I'm not fooling around about this.

Why don't we talk tomorrow?

- You remind me of Miranda. - Thank you.

- I like the way you sing very much. - Thank you. I like your looks.

- I like how I feel. - Don't run out.

- Or else what, son? - Listen...

I haven't had a cold in two months. My blood pressure is 130 over...

85... 85. Because she makes me happy.

So please, you make her happy too. Okay?

- I don't like threats. - Threats?

Those weren't threats. You'll know when I threaten you.

- It was nice meeting you. Ciao. - Ciao.

- Good night. - Good night.

- I hate you. - Tough.

- I'm not going. - I know the islands.

This is none of your business.

How can you say that?

- I don't want any commitments. - Who's asking?

- I don't want to argue about semantics! - I'm not...

There are commitments and there are commitments.

There are islands here where no one would find us.

- What about your mother? - I want to go.

I don't want to see her with that creep.

- You never want to see her again? - No!

Please?

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

- Are you sure? - Yes. I'm sure.

Are you sure too?

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

How do you like it? It's beautiful, huh?

This is paradise.

- That's where we'll live. - All right!

- That'll be my room. - Then we want the terrace, right?

Sure.

Where are all the people?

- Where are all the people? - Don't have many here.

No people?

Because they don't have jobs or money...

they go to work in Australia, Mexico, Germany.

- No children here? - No.

- No women, nothing? - No.

No women, no money, no works, nothing.

Welcome!

I am Kalibanos!

I am Kalibanos!

I'm Phillip! I'm Phillip!

- Who's that? - He is Kalibanos. He's crazy.

- Crazy? - Yes. Sleeps with goats.

Sleeps with the goats.

I am the big guy on this island. I am the boss.

I guide too. I show you dirty statues in cave.

We're looking for a condo with a southern exposure. Got anything?

Hello!

- This is Nino. - Nino, yes.

- Welcome, Phillip. - Kalibanos, huh?

Yes, Kalibanos. Welcome.

- Name? - Miranda.

Miranda, welcome.

- Name? - Aretha.

Aretha. Welcome. How do you do? Boss, got a cigarette?

Keep the pack.

- My tape recorder. - Nice glasses.

How much cost sunglasses?

- Thank you very much. - No problem.

Pretty fancy, eh? Kalibanos, fancy guy, no?

Boss! Here, I help.

Bravo, boss, bravo. Hey, Vassilis.

Go from here. Son of a bitch. Get out of here.

Son of a bitch, go from here. Go sleep with goats, understand?

Why are they arguing?

Because I have two women and he has none.

At your service, boss.

My goodness, this is fantastic.

- I'm at your service. I take this. - Cute goat!

That's Beatrice, my sweet goat. She's beautiful, isn't she?

Could I have that, please? It's very delicate.

Thank you.

Can you get those suitcases, please?

Okay, boss.

Phillip, I come back once a month. Want me, raise flag.

- When I see the flag. - Okay.

Goodbye, good luck.

Just don't ever fall for an architect who's into celibacy.

Don't you realize the life we have here?

I'm tired of being a prisoner!

What does our day consist of, huh?

Feed the goats, feed the chickens...

- Wash the rug, press the olives. - Wash the clothes.

- Build the theater! - Wash windows! I don't do windows!

- Trying to take a nap. - We're tired of being prisoners!

Tough shit.

I thought you were your mother.

- Mom's beautiful... - You're beautiful.

You wear too much makeup. But you ain't ugly, kiddo.

Don't call me that.

- You dance with me? - No.

Come on, dance with me.

I'd love to have you dance with me. Please.

- Leave me alone. Go away. - I have no contact with you anymore.

- Go away! Leave me alone! - Come on, dance with me.

- You're... - What are you doing? Come on.

- Come on. - Leave me alone!

Goddamn it!

Why are you so angry with me?

I hate it here. I'm bored, you're crazy!

This is paradise here.

You're learning things you'd never know otherwise.

- Can I be honest with you? - Yes.

You have a severe case of folie a deux.

Who do you love more than any goat?

Kalibanos. You love Kalibanos?

Come here. You love Kalibanos?

I sing for you. I play...

good song for you, Beatrice. Listen. This is beautiful.

What? You don't like it?

I know!

I know what you like. I know.

Just not in the mood for love.

Phil, I don't get it.

This is getting too complicated, even for me.

I mean, neurotic is a word I've always understood...

but this is getting crazy. Have you had an interesting time?

Have you had a good time so far? Interesting?

Yeah, I guess so. So far it's been...

a long time. It started as an adventure, it's become a sentence.

I don't know, I'm worried about my theater.

You afraid Euripides will finish a play and you won't be ready?

I don't know how to explain myself anymore.

I just don't have the smart words anymore.

I like it. I like it here.

- Can I have a hug? - Oh, you're so Greek. You're so Greek.

Maybe you're right. Maybe sex has nothing to do with it.

Maybe if I was getting it regular, I still wouldn't be happy.

I mean, maybe what I want is like...

a regular guy...

- and a house in the suburbs. - Ouch!

- And a baby. - Ouch.

And a manicure once a week.

You have the humor, girl. You really have the humor.

It's going kind of fast, you know what I mean?

I may be here forever.

Phil, it's getting kind of sick for the kid.

Yeah.

Today Kalibanos made a pass at her. He kissed her.

Bad, bad.

Bad bongolongo bells. Phillip is angry.

- What does this say? - Octopus.

- Spell it. - O-C-T-U-P-S.

- What is that, refining? - Makes it...

And here comes the pitch. The Greek swings.

Out!

Dog.

Okay, row.

Son-of-a-bitch storm coming.

- Is that what you're afraid of? - Yes, sir.

- It's a beautiful day, right, dog? - Dog not know shit about weather.

Remember we discussed not lying and we talked about it?

- You promised you wouldn't lie. - I don't lie.

That's very good.

What did you do to Miranda this morning?

- I watch her swim. - Later on, I'm talking about.

- I'm talking about later on. - Okay, I look at her melones.

Then what?

I show her my TV.

- You what? - I got TV in cave.

A Sony color-control Trinitron. Twelve inch, it's wonderful!

It really... Very good, very good, boss.

Good for cowboy show.

You're a son of a bitch.

- Did you touch her? - No, sir.

Lies.

- Boss... - Lies!

I hold her hand.

Like friend.

"Hello, Miranda, hello."

I kissed her. It was beautiful.

Okay, boss. Okay.

- She was my baby. - She is not a baby!

- She's a woman. Look! - I was your friend. I helped you.

I was boss before you show up. Me, boss!

You were ignorant, you superstitious bastard!

I taught you how to read and count.

Fix the pump. Read the stars.

I show you the olive, and the fig, and the sweet water.

I give you my back.

Now you drown me because my bonijoni dance in my pants.

She was my baby.

Okay, boss. No!

Oh, no!

Soon she want the bonijoni inside her too.

Soon she dance in the night for amore, for love. With who?

Who she gonna dance with? You? You, the pop?

Only me. Only Kalibanos!

- You are a god, boss. - I'm no god.

I'm a monkey, just like you.

Do you know what I gave up for this life? Nothing!

I hope someday, if I get reincarnated, I come back as myself.

A couple of natives are taking a dip.

Smell that air! Pittsburgh!

- I wish there was some surf. - You'll get bored.

"Surfboard."

- Pretty corny. - I bet your old man laughs at it.

- Okay, 100 drachmas. - Make it 200.

You're on.

I look out at the sea sometimes and I wonder:

"What is man's destiny?"

It's one of those mysteries. Sort of deep and dark...

like the sea.

How sad.

Those are pretty deep thoughts.

- What time is it, Harry? - My stomach tells me it's lunch time.

I hope Alonzo feels better. He had a rotten night.

Sorry. How about you?

Me?

Oh, I'm...

strange, as usual.

Listen, strange is better than middling.

No, thank you.

Mmm, that looks good!

I just can't figure out what I'm doing here.

Try to enjoy yourself.

Go with the moment.

I've tried. It doesn't work out for me.

It didn't work for me, until Gurdjieff.

Gurdjieff?

You know Gurdjieff, don't you?

Intimately. Do I know Gurdjieff! Come on, enough gloom here.

Let's get some lunch.

The ol' Texas boy?

- Wasn't he in your class, Harry? - He may have been at Rice.

You're my doctor, not my nurse.

I wish it were the other way around.

- What does that mean? - Good morning.

- How do you feel? - How do I feel? Oh, fine.

I've got a knife in my colon. My head feels like a tumor.

Warts on my feet and I haven't taken a crap in a week.

Other than that, I'm perfect.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Hey, look. Look, listen.

I am not part of your entourage. Are you kidding me?

If you're sick, I'm sorry, but don't you speak to me like that.

- Please, Antonia, be happy. - Maybe we've come to the end of it.

- What do you mean? You and me? - No. This trip. Yes.

Everything.

Listen, it's not you, it's me. I'm hopeless.

I don't know what I'm doing. Forget it.

But this is Freddy's holiday.

I'm right on the edge. Can you understand that?

Okay, okay. A new leaf. Okay? Starting now.

Okay? Please, Antonia. Please. Okay?

- I like New York much better than L.A. - I like L.A. So much better.

- You can get into your body. - I prefer the new bi-coastiality...

Brighton Beach and Venice.

You okay, Dad?

- I feel like a million dollars! - That's peanuts to you.

Hear about the kid who wanted to surf?

But there's no waves. So this other kid tells him he's bored. "Surfboard."

You win, Mr. Trinc.

- I'm going scuba diving. - Careful.

- The water is tricky here. - Okay, Dad.

Not bad. They don't serve wine on the ship.

Hat overboard! Hat overboard!

Me Freddy.

Me Miranda.

Me from boat.

Me from island.

You speak good English.

Me learn from...

tourists.

Me, I'm 17. 17 years old. You?

15. I'm 15.

You're beautiful.

Me ugly.

No way. You're real neat.

You okay?

Yeah. Me okay.

Freddy, come see other side. It's beautiful.

Boy, what I wouldn't give for a slice of New York pizza right now.

And a root-beer float.

- Hey, are you putting me on? - Yeah. I'm American.

- What are you doing here? - I live here.

- You into some kind of commune? - No. It's a long story.

Is punk still big in the states?

No, pop.

- Pop? What's pop? - I don't know. It's hard to describe.

Stella, if there are any calls for me...

say I'm busy. I don't want to be disturbed.

Okay, Mr. Alonzo.

Today I swim. I surprise Freddy.

I talked to the doc. You're fine. He's touching up your x-rays.

- That's the oldest joke in the world. - I think I stole it from myself.

- Beautiful island, isn't it? - Very.

It looks like a dream.

There were pirates here. Strange and powerful warriors.

Like you?

- Have I lost you? - It's getting rough.

The water is very choppy, Mr. Alonzo.

Aretha, where's Phillip?

I don't know what anyone's doing. Pete Rose, I could take his record.

Ty Cobb and Pete Rose and how you compare these two guys...

- Tourist boat come. Into the island. - May I tell you something?

Tourist boat is coming.

Joe DiMaggio hit in 56 consecutive games.

This is an amazing thing because you have Babe Ruth...

who hit 60 home runs and 714 home runs in his lifetime.

You have Roger Maris, who hit 61.

And you have Aaron, who hit...

714, broke the record. And then went on to have 720...

Tourist boat is coming to island.

Better than Roger Maris. 61 in one season.

Babe Ruth, 60 and 714 home runs in one year.

Tourist boat is coming.

But I can't figure out what's happening in baseball this year.

We can sell them the starfish. We can sell them the eight-foot...

- What? - The "octopeepee" leg.

- Everything, many things. - Who?

Make big money. The tourist boat is coming.

What are you talking about?

A hundred tourists are coming, boss.

We can sell and make a lot of money.

There was a Greek pitcher named Art Pappas who...

Come on. Look for yourself!

- There. See? There. Over there. - Great. Great.

- It's coming. - That's great.

- We have to make them stop here. - You're Greek.

Sell them Coca-Cola, sell them Gucci loafers...

sell them the TV, boss. We make a lot of money!

- Stop shouting. - I show you with telescope.

Hey! Not my telescope!

There, boss, there. See?

They found us.

Who found us?

They found us.

You mean tourists found us?

They found us.

They found us! Okay, they found us!

Hey, Aretha, they found us!

Show me the magic.

Come on...

show me the magic.

Show me the magic, now.

Come on, show me the magic. Come on, now. Come on.

That's it.

Tourist boat is coming!

- Two hundred tourists. - What?

- They found us. - Who?

- Come look. - Sweetheart, what's going on?

Look through the telescope, a thousand tourists there.

What are you doing? Stop it.

They want a storm, I'll give them a storm.

You are God, boss.

Get us in. Life jackets, everybody.

Is this my destiny? To be drowned in a storm?

You wanted a storm. I gave you one!

- You make storm. - Phillip, stop it!

All right, let's stop this thing. Come on, fellas.

- Phillip... - Stop!

Phil, come inside. Phil, get in. Will you help me?

- Okay, okay. - Help me get him inside.

Miranda!

You not God. Only God, God!

Trinc! Trinc! Trinc!

Oh, my God!

Trinc, here!

Over here!

- Who the hell is he? - He's from the boat.

- Freddy, this is Dad. Dad, Freddy. - How you doing?

It's a miracle. I'm gonna write a book about this.

Talk about urban renewal!

They said you could swim in this.

- It smells like something in heat. - Could be a vampire bat.

It smells like a cough drop factory.

It's a fish in drag.

I think he's a bandito.

Look, you can have anything you want.

We're from the boat. Yacht-o, storm-o.

Yes, wreck-o. Sink-o.

- Kalibanos. - Then you're Greek.

- Acropolis. - Never on Sunday.

- Democracy. - Melina Mercouri.

- Telly Savalas. - Telly Savalas! Kojak.

Yes! I like Kojak very much. He is fantastic.

I like Kojak very much.

He speaks English.

He's attractive, in a third world sort of way.

- Hey! You drink? - Oh, sure.

Here. Very good stuff.

- Party's picking up? - Yamas, yamas.

Yamas. You keep a very fine cellar.

Vintage Alonzo.

- You want to buy dirty statues? Come. - Why not? Why not?

- Very old antique. 10,000 drachmas. - You got anything a little smaller?

Oh, my God. This is paradise, Harry.

Don't you wish we could stay here forever?

God!

We'd find ways for sheltering ourselves from the elements.

My God, we could start an ideal society.

Just think: No more wars, no more poverty.

No more traffic jams.

As a matter of fact, this place might make a very good Club Med.

Oh, Harry.

Put in a decent harbor. Set up a marina.

Half a dozen good, solid restaurants. An Olympic-size pool.

Shut up, Harry, shut up.

You're free to say anything you want. There's no master here.

- Who is the boss here? - Harry, can't you live without a boss?

- I like taking orders. - Then you came to the right place.

Yeah? Are you the big guy here, Phil?

Run up to the house and start a fire.

- Yes, master. - Can I help?

Ask the guy in the kimono. He had the electricals.

I'm going too.

- You stay here. - I'm going.

Let her come.

There is some question of authority on your island.

- Put some food on! - Okay!

She's growing up.

Did she ask about me?

Truthfully? No.

Does she hate me?

Ask yourself.

- Do you hate us, Phillip? - Yes.

But I haven't given it much thought.

- I don't believe you. - Conscious thought.

- What the hell have you been doing? - Waiting for you, sweetheart.

Kalibanos!

- Who's Kalibanos? - Your long lost ancestor. Kalibanos!

Best I ever surfed was the pipeline in Honolulu.

I've never been to Hawaii.

I went to school there for half a term.

Didn't study much, so my old man shipped me to Vermont.

Vermont? Do they still have snow in Vermont?

Only in the winter, ma'am.

- Thanks, sonny. - You're welcome.

I would've gone to public school but my old man wouldn't let me.

Why not?

I guess he doesn't want me around full-time.

Thanks.

- What about my mother? - Antonia? She's nice.

I mean, did she want you around full-time?

Well, she likes me. But my old man's the chief honcho.

Did she ever talk about me?

All the time.

What'd she say? Watch your head.

A lot of love stuff.

She didn't tell me you were beautiful.

Shut up, please.

Hey, did I say something wrong?

Do you think that your people like feta?

What's feta?

I hope so.

Well, why don't you go up and light some lights?

Watch your head.

- Sorry I said shut up. - Nice place you got here.

- All I said is you're beautiful. - Up the stairs.

I'm not exactly beautiful. Besides, I'm a virgin.

- Would you hand me that, on the bed? - Oh, yeah.

When I light this, move that thing to the left.

I've never been in love.

I haven't either.

I'm not on the pill, so I guess that's all there is.

- You've been here for a year. - It's been very productive.

Really? No pain?

- Darling, pure pleasure. - I don't believe you.

- I don't care what you believe. - Then why are you so sore?

Because I found paradise, and you turned it into a slum.

- You've lost none of your pride. - I did the best I could.

Only for yourself, as usual.

- The same as you, then. - Oh, God.

Always blame the other guy.

What did you want from me?

I wanted us to share something. I mean, a life.

I didn't want to just stand there.

I wanted both of us to make some sacrifices.

You want sacrifice?

All right.

I'll give you sacrifice.

- I found as many of these as I could. - Boy, am I glad to see this place.

Oh, thank you.

Have something to eat, warm up. I'm Aretha.

Hi, I'm Dolores. Nice to meet you.

Your lives were spared. That's a miracle.

On this island, we honor a miracle with a sacrifice.

Phil.

May I kiss you, mush?

I love you, Mommy.

Hi.

- Hi, kid. - How you doing, boss?

- It's time to forgive. - Are you my teacher or my pupil?

I'm just a nice Catholic girl from New Jersey...

roaming the Earth in search of Mr. Nice.

Meantime, you wanna dance?

- Freddy, may I ask you a question? - Yeah, Pop?

Would you be very angry at me...

if I kissed you?

I don't think so.

- Excuse me, Dad. - Sure.

Wanna dance?

You dance beautifully, Nino. Your name is Nino?

- It's like Roseland on a slow night. - Thank you for saving my life.

T'weren't nothing.

- You wanna trip the light fantastic? - I would be delighted.

- By the way, I like the way you sing. - I like the way you lift.

- So how's baseball? - There's a baseball strike.

I knew that. I dreamt that.

How's the cat?

Pregnant.

Forgive me.

Okay.

Just like that?

I love you.

- May I cut in? - Hey! Where did you find that?

Son of a gun! That's my Stetson, ain't it?

That's great.

- Trinc, it's good to see you alive! - How you doing, Harry?

Now, don't you get any funny ideas.

- It's lonely in the cave. - I bet it is.

Excuse me.

Would you care to dance?

- I am Kalibanos. - I am Dolores.

I like your melones.

Thank you.

- And your bumba. - You're so strong, so beautifully...

primitive.

- What's a "bumba"? - This!

You have charisma.

My charisma is growing like mountain flower in springtime.

- And you're a poet. - I'm a singer.

- Kalibanos. - What, Phil?

- Forgive me. - For what?

- Just forgive me. - Okay, okay.

We have many islands here.

Mykonos, Serifos, Mytilini.

Santorini.

Paros, Naxos, Patmos.

Antiparos, Mylos.

Also Kerkira, Kefalonia...

- I'm dreaming. - I know.

Skiathos, Lefkada, Zakinthos.

Chios, Tinos. Have many islands, many.

Hey! You never gave me your phone number!

Area code 212-555...

4499!