All language subtitles for SIXTEEN CANDLES

MAN ON RADIO: ...looks good.

On the Northwest toll eastbound,
traffic is moving nicely this morning

from Meacham Road all the
way down to River Road.

Westbound, there's now a 20-car
backup at the Devon Avenue toll.

And on the northbound I-290
extension at Thorndale Avenue,

we had a spinout there.

And that car was blocking
the right-hand lane,

and also blocking the lane
that's coming off

of the eastbound Thorndale
Avenue entrance ramp,

leading to the northbound
I-290 extension.

This was causing a backup
to Irving Park. We have...

(ALARM BLARING)

Come on, chop, chop. We got
relatives invading this afternoon.

Ginny, Mike, Sara, Sam!
Come on, everybody up.

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
ON STEREO)

I think I have a fever.

You don't have a fever.

Shut your face.

Make me.

(PHONE RINGING)

Dad, Mike hit me!

You liar.

Mike, come on, pal.
We got a wedding tomorrow.

Try to cooperate, will you?

Dad, I didn't hit her.

I'd like to very much
and I probably will later,

but give me a break.

You know my method. I don't hit her
when you're just clown the hall.

Pick on someone your own size.

Open this door.

Daddy, I'm the one
getting married.

Not until tomorrow. Come on, I've
got a mouthful of toothpaste.

I happen to have
a serious problem.

MIKE: Dad.

She got her period. Should make for
an interesting honeymoon, huh?

Where are you
learning that stuff?

School.

Good. Getting my money's worth.

MAN ON RADIO: They were fantastic.
Just great. What a great crowd.

And it was so much fun...

Chronologically,
you're 16 today.

Physically,

you're still 15.

(SIGHS)

Hopeless.

Nope. I look exactly the same
as I have since summer.

Utterly forgettable.

No, I didn't expect
to wake up transformed.

I just thought that turning
16 would be so major,

that I'd wake up with an improved mental
state that would show in my face.

All that shows is that I don't
have any sort of a tan left.

I better get downstairs.

My family's probably pissed off I haven't
let them wish me happy birthday yet.

All right.
I'll see you at school.

You need four inches of bod
and a great birthday.

- Where's my briefcase?
- MIKE: Where'd you leave it?

Don't be a smart-ass.

Okay, I'll be a dumb-ass.

You already are.

Okay. Okay, where's Sam?

Where's my briefcase?

Sam?

Allow me, Brenda.
Hey, birth defect.

BRENDA: You missed
breakfast again.

JIM: It wasn't my idea to
give her her own phone line,

I don't have my own phone line.

- SARA: Mike, lift or I'll punch you.
- BRENDA: Grab a donut.

- (CAR HONKING)
- You're totally infected.

It's small, it's brown,
it's made of leather,

it has my initials on it.
And I believe... That's it.

Don't forget the grandparents
are coming this afternoon.

Are we still having dinner
with the Rice Chex?

Ryszczyks. 8:00 at the club.

Oh, and you better learn their names.
As of tomorrow, they're family.

That's a lovely thought.

When it comes your turn to get
married, do me a favor. Elope.

Who'd marry her?

Mr. T.

I'm sorry, you'll
have to buy lunch today.

I didn't have time
to fix your carrots.

Yeah, well, she's only eating carrots
to increase the size of her breasts.

BRENDA: Mister,
you had better shape up,

or you will miss
your sister's wedding.

Promise?

Now, don't give me
that pouty look of yours.

You can eat your carrots
when you get home.

That's it? You don't have
anything else to say to me today?

What would you like
me to say, Sam?

Come on now, honey.
You're gonna miss the bus.

Have a good day.

I can't believe this.

They fucking forgot my birthday.

RANDY: I'm sure they didn't
forget your birthday.

They just didn't remember
it right away.

Same difference.

I know it's a drag
that your Sweet 16's

the day before Ginny
gets married, but big deal.

- They'll remember.
- Oh, easy for you to say.

Did anyone ever
forget your birthday?

Come on, Sam.

Everything's just
getting shittier.

My family forgetting my birthday
just makes it more vivid.

What do you expect,
a breakfast birthday party?

No, but they could have at
least said "Happy birthday."

I mean, it was just
like any other day.

Why don't you remind them?

They'll feel some massive guilt.
It could be highly profitable.

I wouldn't stoop to remind them.

Since I was about 12, I've been
looking forward to my Sweet 16.

You know,
a big party and a band,

- with tons of people.
- Tons of people.

And a big Trans Am in the
driveway with a ribbon around it.

And some incredibly gorgeous guy
that you meet, like, in France.

And you do it on a cloud without
getting pregnant or herpes.

I don't need the cloud.

Just a pink Trans Am
and the guy, right?

- A black one.
- A black guy?

A black Trans Am. A pink guy.

(BELL RINGING)

Oh, no.

You swear to God,
you don't have it?

I don't know anything about it.

Jennifer Woods gave me a sex
test during Child Development,

and I was supposed to do it and pass
it to you in Independent Study.

I'm totally screwed.

Did you put your name on it?

Hi. No, but it was
really embarrassing.

I had to name who I'd do
it with if I ever did it.

Who'd you name?

- Jake Ryan.
- Jake Ryan?

He doesn't even know you exist.

Thank you. That's a
very nice thing to say.

I'm sorry. But Jake Ryan?

He's a senior, and he's taken.
I mean, really taken.

I know. It was supposed
to be my ideal.

He's ideal, for sure,
but forget it.

God, I hope whoever got the note
doesn't know it was me who wrote it.

I'd shit twice and die.

Do you know Samantha Baker?

Sophomore, right?

Yeah. What do you think of her?

I don't.

Would you ever go out with her?

Depends on how much you paid me.

She's not ugly.

There's nothing there, man.

It's not ugly, it's just void.

You know what I mean?

There's something about her.

I do Independent Study with her.

I catch her looking at me a lot.

It's kind of cool, the way
she's always looking at me.

Maybe she's retarded.

I'm being serious, okay?

She looks at me like
she's in love with me.

Jake, she's a child.

So?

So what are you
gonna do with her?

She's obviously too
young to party serious.

Maybe I'm interested
in more than a party.

Come on, Jake. You talk
like you're hard up.

You got Caroline.
Now she's a woman.

It's unbelievable.

I swear to God, Caroline Mulford
had to flunk about nine grades.

RANDY: Truly makes me ill.

She's perfect.

Practically impossible
to cut up.

She's supposedly real sweet.

Brother's deaf, and everybody
in the world worships her.

And she's going with Jake.

Oh, I'm gonna kill myself.

My man.

(INSTRUMENTS PLAYING OFF KEY)

I loathe the bus.

(MUSIC STOPS)

There has to be a more dignified
mode of transportation.

I hope you get a car for
your birthday and a license.

(SCOFFS)
Let's not hold our breath.

(TOY GUNS FIRING)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

BOTH: Score. A direct hit.

BOTH: On second thought.

(INSTRUMENTS PLAYING OFF KEY)

DRIVER: Move it.

- Call me, okay?
- You call me first.

Tell me what happened at home.

I can tell you
right now. Nothing.

Would you quit feeling
sorry for yourself?

It's bad for your complexion.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

How's it going?

How's what going?

You know, things, life, whatnot.

Life is not whatnot, and
it's none of your business.

So you going to the New
Faces dance tonight or...

That's also none
of your business.

(SNIFFING)

Are you inhibited about
dancing in public? I mean,

you don't have to dance. I mean,
you could just stand there

with me and my dudes
and just be you, and...

Sounds major.

So, I mean, what's the story?
I mean, you got a guy, or...

Yes, three big ones,
and they lust for wimp blood,

so quit bugging me, or I'll sic
them all over your weenie ass.

You know, I'm getting input here that
I'm reading as relatively hostile.

- I mean, it's just...
- Go to hell.

Very hostile.

Come on,
what's the problem here?

I'm a boy, you're a girl.

Is there anything wrong
with me trying to put together

some kind of relationship
between us?

Okay, look, I know you have to go.
Just answer me one question.

Yes, you're a total fag.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

That's not the question.

Am I turning you on?

(SIGHING)

It's encouraging.

- Very encouraging.
- Yeah...

You know, a girl
with a hat is just so

vogue.

Yeah.

(TWILIGHT ZONE THEME PLAYING)

Where are my blue
socks, Dorothy?

DOROTHY: You mean to tell me
you didn't pack them?

Oh, not again, Howard.

Can't I trust you
to do anything?

Do you expect me
to do all the packing?

Well, at least
I brought this for you.

It...

Sam.

Samantha.

- Look.
- Oh, look.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, God.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, sweetheart.

My goodness, are you a
sight for sore eyes.

Oh, good. Just look.

- How are you, my little lamb chop?
- Hello.

I'm fine, Grandpa.

- Fine.
- How are you guys?

Oh, we're pretty good. Of course,
I get the lower back pain

- every once in a while.
- Oh, my corns are killing me.

- And arthritis in my fingers.
- I still have those headaches.

- Bothers me quite a bit.
- But I brought the ice bag...

So are you...
You're sleeping up here?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Your grandfather Fred jumped our claim
on Sara's room. So here we are.

We gotta sleep up here.

Well, I haven't seen
you guys in a while.

Do I look any older today?

Oh, no, no, I wouldn't say so.
Do you think so, darling?

DOROTHY: No. Oh, I hope
it isn't cold tomorrow.

You know Ginny.

- It's not gonna be cold...
- She'll refuse to wear a hat and coat

- Well, if she does, you mustn't bug her
- over her wedding dress.

- because if a girl does not...
- I'm not gonna bug her...

I'm gonna go set myself up in Mike's room.
So I'll see you guys later.

- Okay, sweetheart.
- Oh, look, there she goes.

Grandpa and I are looking forward to
a nice, long, long visit with you.

Aces.

We certainly are.
We're looking forward...

See you a little later,
darling. We've got a lot to...

I swear to God,
this has got to be a joke.

Grandparents forgetting
a birthday?

They live for that shit.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(SINGING)
...with my arms around you

Well, well, if it isn't

Sammy Baker Davis Jr.

Hi, Grandpa.

Oh, I've got one for you.

- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

- Who.
- Who, who?

Helen, we've got an owl
out here in the hall.

Fred, Fred, leave her alone.

- You'll make her tinkle.
- Oh, come on, Helen.

Oh, Sam, let me look at you.

Fred, she's gotten her boobies.

FRED: I'd better go get
my magnifying glass.

Oh, and they are so perky.

I can't believe my grandmother
actually felt me up.

(GONG SOUNDING)

What's happening, hot stuff?

His name is Long Duk Dong.

What?

Long Duk Dong.

He came down with Grandma
and Grandpa Baker.

He's an exchange student
that's living with them.

Yeah, well,
he's totally bizarre.

He is not.

He is a very sweet boy.

I just hope you burn the sheets
and mattresses after he leaves.

I don't suppose it makes
any difference to you,

but there's a very weird
Chinese guy up in Mike's room.

Ginny dumped Rudy
and he's her new fiancé.

BRENDA: Mike, stop it.

Sam, honey, do you think you could
help the grandmothers with supper?

Dad and I have to go to the club
for dinner with the Rice Chex.

Ryszczyks.

Do you think that
there's any reason

that I should possibly
stay home tonight?

Well, I think it might
be nice if you'd visit

with your grandparents
and Long Duk Dong.

Who?

The weird Chinese
guy in Mike's room.

I think I have a dance to go to.

Well, that's okay.

Oh, can you remember to turn
off the stove in 20 minutes?

I can remember lots of things.

This is the single worst
day of my entire life.

What the hell
are you bitching about?

I gotta sleep under some Chinaman
named after a duck's dork.

Well, where am I sleeping?

Sofa City, sweetheart.

Do you think Grandpa Fred's
going to embarrass me?

I don't know why not.
He does it to everyone else.

He already asked me if Rudy
was the oily variety bohunk.

Is he?

Don't be cute.

I really love Rudy.

And he is totally
enamored of me.

I mean, I've had men
who've loved me before,

but not for six months in a row.

I think I'm in love.

So how long have you
been in love?

Well, it hasn't really
happened yet.

So what's the deal?

I'm not sure that
he knows I exist.

Sam, I really don't
have time for this.

Well, I'm sorry.

I always listen to you
talk about your boyfriends.

Darling, is something
bothering you?

You're really acting
like an asshole.

And I think I know what it is.

I think you're jealous
that I'm getting married

and that I'm getting
all the attention.

You know, everybody in this family
has just gone totally Outer Limits.

No, Sam.

I think you're just being
a little selfish and immature.

Oh, yes. That's it.

That's exactly it.

Unbelievable.

You make someone a bridesmaid,
and they shit all over you.

(GONG SOUNDING)

Very clever dinner.

Appetizing food fit neatly
into interesting round pie.

It's a quiche.

How do you spell?

Well, you don't spell it,
son, you eat it.

Dong has only been in our
country a short time, Fred.

I think we could all
help him assimilate.

DOROTHY: Long Duk Dong is
about your age, Sam.

You two should have
a lot to chat about.

I love visiting with
Grandma and Grandpa

and writing letters to parents

and pushing lawn-mowing machine

so Grandpa's hyena
don't get disturbed.

Hernia.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, indeedy.

He does the dishes
and helps with the laundry,

you betcha.

May I be excused?

Where are you going?

I have a dance
to go to at school.

It's a very important dance.

We're being graded
on it for gym.

Wait a minute.
I have a wonderful idea.

Would you like to go
to the dance with Sam?

(GONG SOUNDING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

I wonder if Jake's here.

I don't think it's too
healthy to get all jacked up

about some guy
that isn't even a thing yet.

Yeah, when you don't have anything, you
don't have anything to lose, right?

That's a cheerful thought.

Let's go make
ourselves available.

That's the one, dude.
Scope it out.

She doesn't look
like a freshman.

Sophomore, dude. Sophomore.

Fully-aged sophomore meat.

We do the bus together.

You talk to her?

- Talk? Dude, I have a relationship with her.
- Get off.

Figured to, like, 17 digits.

You are such a liar.

We'll see about that, my man.

By night's end, I predict
me and her will interface.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Check it out, Wease.

Pretty intense, huh? Over.

Wacks to the max. Over.

All right.

I knew you'd come around.

Christ.

Crank that, sister.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Very hot. Very hot. Tonight,
tonight is happening.

I'm blowing your mind, aren't I?

I'm just getting warmed up.

(FARTS)

Excuse me.

Way to go, dick-face.
She took off.

Don't spaz out, okay, Wease? The
situation will come online.

Yeah? I'll bet you a dozen floppy
disks you don't even get tit.

You got a bet, scumbag.
I'll get it all.

Take off. You wouldn't even
be able to prove it, anyway.

A, don't hit me.

Secondly, what kind
of proof do you want?

- Video.
- Video.

No way, okay? I can just see the
thing getting duped a thousand times

and, like, winding up
on cable somewhere.

Try again.

- Underpants.
- Underpants.

No prob, butt-lick.

BOTH: Girls' underpants.

So, what's your name?

Dong.

What's your first name?

Long.

What's your middle name?

Duk.

I bet all the boys chase you
plenty in the school, huh?

Nobody's caught me yet.

I betcha you big teaser, huh?

No. I run the 40 in five flat.

Flat?

Hey.

I'm really sorry, man.

Whatever I did was an...
I mean, I didn't mean to...

Relax.

You were dancing with a girl?

Oh, man, I'm really,
I'm really sorry, man.

I must've been on drugs
five minutes ago.

- I didn't even know what I was doing.
- Do you know her?

She grabbed me, guy. I'm totally innocent.
Is she yours?

What do you know about her?

She has smallish tits,
decent voice.

Smells pretty good.
She drives me crazy.

Did she come here with you?

No, no. But if it's okay with my
dad, she's going home with me.

Excuse me.

(GIRLS CHATTERING)

- Do you guys want to blow off this dance?
- Yes.

I am bored to
the brink of insanity.

And go where?

Jake's parents aren't home,
we could do his house.

How's it going?

Fine.

We'd have to
party light, though,

Jake's too paranoid about his
parents' house getting trashed.

ROBIN: Again?

Okay.

All right.

Just trying to get
a little bit of water.

Yeah.

Yes, I'm back.

So I smell.

It's from my shaving cream.

You wanna feel a real
clean, close shave?

I'll pass.

Couldn't find anyone
else to bug, huh?

Come on. You know you're the
one I want to bug, huh?

This is my friend, Randy.
And that's Jimmy Montrose.

- Howdy, dude.
- This is Farmer Fred.

- Ted.
- Oh, I'm sorry. This is Farmer Ted.

I'm not really a farmer.
I'm a freshman.

Geek, can I be honest with you?

Not if you're gonna insult me.

Okay.

- Shoot.
- Get the hell out of here.

Nice, nice manners, babe.

She's totally serious, ass-wipe.

Chill.

You wanna split with me? I...

- I don't know, you know.
- I can't handle this.

My mom always tells me,

"if you want something, you
gotta ask for it," you know?

I mean, I'm not
the kind of guy...

It's embarrassing for me.
I don't know. I just...

It's just...

I'm really sorry about
what happened in the gym.

I had no idea
you couldn't dance.

(CRASHING)

What a decent night, huh?

It's my birthday.

(HUMMING)

(SINGING)
You say it's your birthday

It's my birthday, too

Don't do that, okay?

Hey, Jude

Just stop it, okay?

I mean, it's really been
a shitty birthday for me.

No offense, but I don't
need a serenade right how.

What's wrong? You didn't
get anything good, or...

I didn't get shit.
Not even, "Happy birthday."

My whole family
just sort of blew it off.

I'd freak if my family
forgot my birthday.

It's a brand-new year.

I'm 16. Everything
should be platinum.

I should be happy, right?

- Right?
- Yeah.

Well, I can't get happy.

It is physically impossible
for me to get happy.

Would you feel better if you
knew one of my secrets, or...

Don't gross me out.

No, we're not talking gross
here. No, it's just...

It's just embarrassing.

This information cannot leave
this room, okay?

It would devastate
my reputation as a dude.

No problem.

I've never bagged a babe.

I'm not a stud.

I got the rep in sixth grade.

And it, like, I don't know,
it stuck with me.

I'm still on hold.

Look, I'd appreciate
you not laughing, okay?

I'm sorry.

That's not what I meant.

I meant...

- (HORN BLARING)
- Hey, time out, junior.

Pardon me.

It's okay.

I meant that it's okay
that you did it once,

but I didn't mean
for you to do it again.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

You know, just now, I really
felt how much you like me.

You're probably zoning in on
my brain waves or something.

Well, not really,
I felt it on my leg.

Come on. I don't want to see it!

Sorry if I embarrassed you.

I'm not embarrassed.

Fresh breath's
a priority in my life.

You know, I really don't
want to hurt your feelings,

'cause it's really human of you
to listen to all my bullshit.

I care about it, really.
I mean...

I know I came on kind of like a poozer
on the bus tonight and everything,

but that's just so my friends won't
think, you Know, I'm a jerk.

But they're all pretty much
jerks, though, aren't they?

Yeah, but the thing is, I'm kind
of like the leader, you know.

Kind of like the king
of the dipshits.

Well, that's pretty cool.

Hey, but a lot can happen
over a year.

I mean, you could come back next
fall as a completely normal person.

- Yeah?
- Sure.

Would it be totally
off the wall if...

if I asked if I could
have sex with you?

Yeah, well, you asking me is not
as off the wall as why I won't.

- VD?
- No.

I'm sort of saving myself.

It's really stupid. He
doesn't even know I exist.

Who?

Who?

Jake Ryan.

You like Jake?

Jake's my boy.

I just talked to Jake
in the gym.

- He asked me about you.
- Did not.

He did, too. He did. He asked
me what you were like.

Oh, my... Oh.

If you're lying, I'll
beat the crap out of you.

I'm not lying.

Oh, my God, what should I do?

Should I go up to him? Should I
say, "Hi, Jake, I'm Samantha?"

Or, no, maybe I should
let him come to me.

This is not my department.

But what if I decide to let him
come to me, and then he forgets?

Or then what if
he changes his mind?

And then I'm totally
screwed, right?

Apparently so.

What would you do
if you were me?

I'm a gambling man by nature.

And I'd go for it.

This is so strange. But I think I will.
Oh, you're the best.

- Wait...
- What?

Do you know anything
about floppy disks?

- We'll talk about this on the bus, okay?
- Well, no.

See, the thing is,
I got kind of a problem.

Well, floppy disks
are pretty expensive

and, see, the thing is,
I made a bet with my friends,

the dipshits.

I bet them that
I'd do it with you.

But this was before
I knew you as a person.

I can get proof without
actually getting physical.

How?

Can I borrow your
underpants for 10 minutes?

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

I think it's time to blow this
thing off and go to your house.

- Yeah?
- I told Tracy and Robin and those guys

to come to your parents' house, okay?
I told them not to tell anybody.

God, I love it when
your parents are out of town,

I fantasize that I'm your wife,

and we're, like, the richest,
most popular adults in town.

I owe all my great
weekends to you.

What's your problem?

What?

You've been acting
weird all night.

Are you screwing around?

Me? Are you crazy?

I don't know, Jake.

I'm getting strange signals.

Well, they're not
coming from me.

Look, everything's fine.
Don't have a cow.

Okay.

But just remember one thing.

I can name 20 guys
who'd kill to love me.

Is that a threat?

It's a fact, Jake.

Come on. Before we get in a big, wicked
fight, let's get out of here, huh?

Hi, Jake. I'm Samantha.
How's it going?

Do you got a cigarette?

Jake, this may sound
incredibly dumb,

but I love you, and I'll do
anything to make you love me.

I love your shirt.

Jake, you're not
gonna believe this,

but I had this very bizarre
dream, and you were in it.

MAN: For heaven's sake.
Get in there and dance.

- BOY: I can't. They won't like me.
- I'm not gonna tell you again.

Just act like a man.

BOY: I wanna go home.
I wanna be with you guys.

I can't believe I'm such a jerk.

He smiles at me and
I don't say anything.

And I can't believe
I gave my panties to a geek.

What year are you?

Freshman.

Give me a buck. Okay, get in.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Shut up.

Bryce?

Ted, go for it.

(DRUM ROLL)

(ALL GASPING)

Hey, listen.

I wanna thank you for
loaning me the Donger.

He's really bitching.

That's okay. You guys
make a great couple.

I've never been
so happy in my whole life.

You maniac.

Now I have a place
to put my hand.

So basically, Jimmy, my
business is video game arcades,

laundry, cigarette
machines and trucking.

I dabble a little bit in
personal loans and politics.

Very nice.

I think that all that really matters
is that the kids are happy together.

Just as long as my
beautiful boy remembers

that marrying this one means he's
out of the Girl-of-the-Month club.

Hey, wait a minute.
I can still look.

I just can't touch. Right?

- Oh, sensitive, huh?
- Rudy.

- Cheers.
- Right on.

You do shots? Come on, wolf it.

Good night, Marlene.
See you later, Dong.

Sammy, tell Grandpa not
to wait up. Let's go boogie.

Sure.

Donger's here for five hours
and he's got somebody.

I live here my whole life,
and I'm like a disease.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

Everybody, I'd like you
to meet my boyfriend, Jake.

Jake, this is everybody.

BOY: Take it off.

All right, whose is this?

You're such a poop.

(LONG DUK EXCLAIMING)

(CRASHING)

(BARKING)

GIRL: Oh, Tony!

(PAGER BEEPING)

Shit, Ted, that's my mom.
I gotta get home.

TED: Change your frequency, okay?
Don't be such a wimp.

Take those ridiculous
things off, okay?

Will you guys grow up?

Ted, won't we get pounded
if we go to a senior party?

Wease, we got $70, and we got
a pair of girl's underpants.

We're safe as kittens. Okay?

This is a great social
opportunity for us.

Come on.

Do not embarrass me, okay?

For sure, we won't.

- Will you fix your hair, Bryce?
- I already did.

Wease, close your barn,
all right?

- And be polite to his parents, all right?
- Okay, okay.

(GONG SOUNDING)

Hey, come on in and party
hearty, dude persons.

He's from out of town, okay?
He speaks English, right?

- Don't be such faggots.
- Man, shut up.

Kidding. Sorry.

- Think we're gonna die?
- Definitely.

(PHONE RINGING)

We put the cat out?

We don't have a cat.

Come on, damn it. Answer.

Oh, eat me.

Who is it?

Well, what did they want?

Sex.

Geek!

Very nice. We're here
five minutes and then...

I'm at a loss.

Real smooth, Cliff.

(GRUNTING)

I've never been out
with a boy before.

Oh, me, neither.

(PHONE RINGING)

CAROLINE: Jake?

Where are you, Jake?

Jakey, have you
stopped loving me?

Leave me alone.

What?

I'm sorry, I don't do that.

- Yes, you do.
- I know.

- Come on.
- CAROLINE: Trace. You guys.

Would you please
help me, please?

Oh, shit.

Come on, you guys.
I'm your prom queen.

Trace, you guys, I'm serious.
Come on. I need help.

- Okay.
- Oh, I broke those pearls!

What is the problem?

Several things.

Okay. We'll help you.

Don't go away, Caroline, baby.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Hello?

Listen, I know you're there.
I can hear you breathing.

Yes, hello, sir...

Are you the little bugger that's
been calling up here all night

and then hanging up?

Would it be possible for you to tell
me if there is a Samantha Baker there?

And if so, sir, may I
converse with her briefly?

Yes, it is. And no, you may not.

Might I leave a message, sir?

He wants to leave
a message for Sam.

Here, give me that phone.

Now, you listen to me, mister.

God did not put me on this earth to
be awakened by filthy suggestions

from a foul-mouthed
hooligan like you.

And as for our granddaughter, I'm
sure she has more than enough sense

to stay clear of
the likes of you.

Now, good night and good-bye!

That was great.

- Sam's lucky she has us, Howard.
- Yeah.

Even if she doesn't
appreciate us.

Do you promise
you won't get mad?

No, I love you.

Okay, close your eyes.

- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.

My God.

ROBIN: That was wonderful, Trace!
I'm so proud of you.

I don't know how
to thank you enough.

My pleasure.

My God. Wow.

- GIRL: I hope they have insurance.
- GIRL 2: The party's over.

(DISTORTED MUSIC PLAYING)

Son of a bitch.

What a disaster.

(TED PANTING)

Jake!

JIM: Sam.

Sweetheart?

- Daddy?
- Hi, kiddo.

What's wrong?

Nothing. Everything's fine.

I was just upstairs
and I couldn't sleep.

I feel like a real jerk, honey.

We forgot your birthday.

I bet you're really POed, huh?

No, it's okay.

I'm not really
all that upset anymore.

This wedding is really turning
this entire house inside out.

And I just came down to tell
you that we did remember.

Thanks, Dad.

Happy birthday

ls something else wrong?

No, why?

I don't know, I just get the feeling
that something's bothering you.

Something other
than your birthday.

No, I'm fine. Really.

I think I know what it is.

It has to do with a certain guy?

(SIGHS)

I know, honey, I know.

We're all upset that
Ginny's marrying a bohunk.

What's the matter?

I meant Jake.

Jake?

Wait a minute. I thought she
said his name was Rudy.

Forget it.

Forget what? Who's Jake?

He's a boy, Daddy. It's nothing.
Okay? Just forget it, please?

Come on, Sam,
we're not communicating.

It's extremely
embarrassing, okay?

What's embarrassing?

Sitting in the dark with your dad,
telling him about your love life.

I'm afraid you
lost me again, Sam.

Jake is a senior, and he's
beautiful and perfect.

I like him a real lot, and
he doesn't like me. Okay?

Oh.

And he's got this
incredible girlfriend.

I'm just this ridiculous dork that's
following him around like a puppy.

Why do you think you're a dork?

I don't think you're a dork.

I don't think Mom
thinks you're a dork.

Mike thinks I'm a dork.

Mike is a dork.

Well, so am I.

Well, if it's any consolation,
I love you.

And if this guy can't see in you all the
beautiful and wonderful things that I see,

then he's got the problem.

I know. It just hurts.

That's why they
call them crushes.

If they were easy, they'd
call them something else.

Yeah, but if I were Ginny, I'd have
this guy crawling on his knees.

Well, let me tell you
something about Ginny.

Now, I love her
as much as I love you.

But she's a different person.

Sometimes I worry about her.

You know, when you're given
things kind of easily,

you don't always
appreciate them.

With you, I'm not worried.

When it happens to you,
Samantha, it'll be forever.

Well, I don't think
I'll be able to sleep

if I don't feel this
little talk has helped you.

So would you be
a sport and lie to me?

Yeah, sure, Daddy.

- Good night, sweetheart.
- Good night.

Oh, one more thing, sweetheart.

What?

When you do find the right guy,
don't let him boss you around.

Make sure he knows you wear
the pants in the family.

These are really hers?

Yeah.

How did you get them?

She gave them to me.

Did you...

No. No, Jake,
she's crying for you.

I told her you asked about her, right?
The girl freaked.

She had a hissy. She thinks
you're the cat's meow.

- Really?
- Yeah.

She came up to me
in the gym tonight.

She looked at me
like I was a leper.

Girls will do that,
Jake, you know?

You see, they know guys are,
like, in perpetual heat, right?

They know this shit.
And they enjoy pumping us up.

It's pure power politics,
I'm telling you.

I thought she hated my guts.

Games, Jake.
Silly, torturous games.

You know how many times a
week I go without lunch

because some bitch
borrows my lunch money?

You know, any halfway decent
girl can rob me blind.

Because I'm too torqued up
to say no.

It's heinous, I'm telling you.

You better not be
dicking me around.

It'd be a major downer to try
and get together with this girl

and find out she really does
think I'm a slime.

Jake, would I dick you?

Let me put it to you this way.

What happens to me
if I dick you?

I'd kick your ass.

Right. So why would I lie?

But I feel compelled
to mention to you, Jake,

I mean, if all you want off the
girl is a piece of ass, I mean,

I'll either do it myself,
or get someone bigger than me

to kick your ass.

I mean, not many girls in
contemporary American society today

would give their underwear
to help a geek like me.

I can get a piece of
ass any time I want.

Shit, I got Caroline in the bedroom
right now, passed out cold.

I could violate her 10
different ways if I wanted to.

What are you waiting for?

I don't know.

She's beautiful and
she's built and all that.

I'm just not interested anymore.

Does that really matter, guy?

Yeah, it matters.

She's totally insensitive.
Look what she did to my house.

She doesn't know
shit about love.

Only thing she cares
about is partying.

I want a serious girlfriend.

Somebody I can love,
that's gonna love me back.

Is that psycho?

That's beautiful, Jake.

You know, I think a ton of guys
feel the same way as you do.

- Really?
- Yeah. It's just they don't...

They don't have the balls to admit it.
You know what I mean?

I mean, they're just...
They're wimps.

Samantha's... She's
really special, you know?

I'll make a deal with you.

You let me keep these,

I'll let you take Caroline home.

But you gotta make sure
she gets home.

You can't leave her in some
parking lot somewhere. Okay?

Jake, I'm only a freshman.

So? She's so blitzed,
she won't know the difference.

Jake, I don't have a car.

You can take mine.

Jake, I don't have a license.

I trust you.

Jake, I'd love to.
I can't. Want a pretzel?

- You sure?
- Positive.

- I got her.
- You got her?

Yeah.

This is your car, Jake?

No, this is my dad's car.

You said you couldn't
drive a stick.

This is a...

This is a Rolls-Royce, Jake.

- So?
- So? So?

I heard the grill alone
costs five grand on this.

Five grand. Do you have five grand?
I don't have five grand.

- Then don't hit anything.
- Don't hit anything.

Do you want to do this or not?

No.

Who the hell? Who does he...

Who's he?

That's me.

Who are you?

I'm him.

Okay.

- She's totally gone. Have fun.
- Thanks.

Jake, is your dad
a big man, or...

About 6'4".

Very nice.

Ho.

Ho.

Easy.

Easy.

(LONG DUK LAUGHING)

Oh, sexy girlfriend.

Banzai!

Think they liked us?

Definitely.

Go, darling geek.

TED: Could we turn that
music down a little bit?

I'm a first-time driver.
I really need to concentrate.

Excuse me. Stop that.

Looks like rain.
Better put the top up.

Will you stop that? You can get us
in a lot of trouble doing that.

This is a car.

He probably doesn't even got
Triple A on it or anything.

Chug-a-lug, Pooh Bear.

I can't believe you're so
popular, acting like this.

(CAR PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Oh, I don't know.
I'll have to look.

Mr. Ryan, are you in here?

He's not. Mr. Ryan's
not in right now.

Where are you?

My Christmas present to you.

- Thank you.
- No. Really. Serious.

See? See?

Thank you.

Now we're both on the pill.

You gave me
a birth control pill?

Do you have any idea what
that'll do to a guy my age?

I know exactly what
it'll do to a girl my age.

First time in a car,
and then this shit.

It makes it okay to be
really super careless.

Wait, wait.

Look, we're not going any further until
you stop these childish antics, Caroline.

Don't be such a poop.

On second thought.

CAROLINE: I love you.

This is getting good.

(CLATTERING)

Ted, what the hell
are you doing?

Are those humongous jocks back?

Cliff, do you have
any film in your camera?

What?

Take those ridiculous
things off.

- Do you have any film in your camera?
- Sure.

Okay. You guys, go get it
and bring it outside, okay?

- Right out front.
- What for?

Look, just get it
and come on out front, okay?

- UFO?
- It's better.

- Extraterrestrial?
- It's better. All right?

Just get it and come on outside.

BOTH: Female extraterrestrial?

It's better, now...

Better than female
extraterrestrial?

How do you tell
if it's a female?

'Cause it's got tits.

Well, what makes them
different than regular tits?

They got four. Just get the camera.
It's in the closet.

No, don't go in the closet.

(CRASHING)

They're such assholes.
I can't believe it.

- CLIFF: ...photography.
- BRYCE: Well, it's not my fault,

- you should check that out.
- Why do you always have to argue?

- I'm not arguing.
- Yes, you are.

- I am not.
- Yes, you are.

- I am not.
- Every time I try to do something,

- it's always bitch, bitch, bitch.
- Bitch is a female dog.

Okay? Not even.

What's that supposed to mean?

- Shit.
- Shoot.

Ted, that's a Rolls-Royce.

Ted, that's the prom queen.

You got two girls in one night.

- I told you dudes I was hot.
- Hot? Ted, you're a legend.

Will you shut up?

People around here work,
all right?

Now, will you hurry it up? I'm
breaking, like, 30 major laws here.

- Come on.
- You know, Ted,

nobody's gonna believe you.

No way.

That, my friends, is what
the pictures are for. Okay?

Just get that thing there.

- All right, you guys ready?
- Wait, hold on.

Just put it down just a bit.

You guys know what you're
doing here, or what?

All right, just a minute.

- How does this look?
- Very nice.

Wait a minute, you know, black-and-white,
it would just capture the moment so nicely.

Wouldn't it?

Will you take
the picture already?

You're pissing me off,
I'm telling you.

- Smile, pumpkin.
- What? Oh. Pictures.

Cheers.

Marlene, no. Marlene, no.

Chill out, boy.

Mike, honey, go get dressed.

I can't believe it.
Ginny's not in the shower.

I wouldn't go in there
if I were you.

Grandpa Fred was in there
for a half an hour.

- It's totally polluted.
- Get dressed.

It's your nose.

They never listen.

What was he wearing?

Well, he would have...

He was wearing a red argyle
sweater and tan trousers.

And red shoes.

No, he's not retarded.

Now, what can I do to help?

Well, you could finish
the French toast.

Good.

I'll just open the donuts.

Good thinking.

Don't wanna lose the nails.

I'll just wait till
I hear from you, then.

Voilà. Breakfast is ready.

Oh, Sam.

Sam, I am so sorry
about your birthday.

It's okay. I'll recover.

It's important to you.

And yesterday morning,
you were trying to tell me.

It's okay, Mom.

These things sometimes happen.

Oh. Honey,
I just feel miserable.

You'll feel better.

Who died?

Is there something you want
to say to your sister?

What? Are you kidding?
Where should I start?

I mean about her birthday.

It was yesterday. We all forgot.

Classic.

Deep down, he's really sorry.

- No, he's not.
- No, he's not.

I have to go to this wedding and
look like Miss Pretty Princess

in this dipshit's
bridesmaid's dress.

I don't even have one-tenth of the
bod to fill the stupid bust up.

So what? Should I just waste
myself and spare the agony?

I was gonna tell you something,
but maybe I shouldn't.

It's pretty bad.

You may as well. Nothing
could shock me anymore.

Last night at the dance, my little brother
paid a buck to see your underwear.

(SCREAMING)

I hate that rock 'n' roll
rubbish.

Well, I'm afraid it's
here to stay, Howie.

Sam, you're dragging
your dress, honey. Pick it up.

Come on, Ginny.
Hurry up, sweetie.

SARA: Why is she so slow?

BRENDA: Do not fuss at your sister.
It's her wedding day.

SARA: Big deal.

All right, is everybody in?

Oh, dear.
Are you all right, Ginny?

Come on, everybody.

Get in the car, please.
We're late already.

Helen, will you get in the car? I don't
know what they're fussing about.

Helen, get in the car.

FRED: Hey, Howard,
there's your Chinaman.

- HOWARD: Oh, thanks, Fred.
- Bye, Dong.

What the... What's he doing
on the ground there?

What's happened to him?
What's happened?

Hold a mirror in
front of his mouth.

Howard. He's dead!

Oh, shit. I pay seven grand for
a wedding, I'll never see it.

Oh, watch your language,
Mr. Dirty Mouth.

- Oh, thank God, he is still warm.
- Oh, good.

- Here, help me roll him over.
- I'll help you.

- Gross.
- Canine cologne.

Oh, no more yankie my wankie.

The Donger need food.

Hell, he's three sheets
to the wind.

He's drunk as a skunk.

Oh, why don't you shut up,
Fred. Shut up.

Dong.

Dong.

Dong, Grandpa is talking to you.

Dong. Where is my automobile?

Automobile?

(LONG DUK IMITATING
CAR CRASHING)

Lake. Big lake.

Why, you little scuzzbag.

Oh, my. ls everything all right?

I was afraid you'd
had an accident.

I wish.

Her monthly bill came early.

Well, she's fine. She just
took a muscle relaxer.

Try four.

- You didn't.
- Mother.

Damn, Mom.
I've got my headgear on.

Will you wake up?

Where the hell am I?

I'll tell you where you are
if you'll tell me who you are.

Farmer Ted.

You're in the parking lot across
the street from my church.

You own a church?

What happened?

I have no idea.

Did I do that to your hair?

At this point,
anything is possible.

Did...

- Did we...
- Yeah.

I'm pretty sure.

Excuse me, but do you...

Do you know if...
Did I enjoy it?

What, am I nuts?
Of course I enjoyed it.

I mean... What I meant was,

did you?

You know, I have
this weird feeling I did.

Here, Ginny. Drink this.

Come on.

Here.

Wow.

Do I feel funky.

Okay. I'm coming.

Hello? Geez,
this place is so confusing.

Okay.

Go away. I call FIB.
I call police.

- Go away.
- Open the door.

- No way, Jose.
- Open the door.

You beat up my face.

You grabbed my nuts.

- Was that you?
- Yeah. That me.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I thought you my new,
new-style American girlfriend.

Forget it, man. Just get
Samantha, all right?

She not here.

Don't jerk me around, man.
Where is she?

- She got married.
- What?

She at the church. She getting
married to oily bohunk.

- Married?
- Married.

- Married?
- Yeah. Married.

Married?

Married! Geez.

Are you gonna be
all right, sweetie?

It's gonna be a piece
of cake, Bren.

Ginny, I'm really happy for you.

I'm sorry for being
kind of a jerk lately.

That's really lovely, Sam.

I know you'll have
a great marriage.

BRENDA: Ginny.

- Holy shit.
- She just had a cramp.

JIM: I don't care what she's got.
Look at her.

BRENDA:
Will you please be quiet?

We don't want to announce to
everyone that she has her period.

I guess those guys who thought
we had to get married

feel pretty stupid right
about now, huh, padre?

Here comes the bride

Big, fat and wide

Love the teapot.

Could you move over?

- Are you okay? You all right?
- I gotta rest.

- Come on. Here we go.
- What's the matter?

Here comes the bride.

Here we go. Okay. Come on.

Sorry.

I got it. I got it.

Hi.

I know you.

Can't see with this thing on.

I never went out
with a freshman.

Not even when I was a freshman.

Me, either.

You were pretty crazy.

- I was?
- Yeah.

But you know what I like best?

- My clean, close shave?
- No.

Waking up in your arms.

These things?

Shit.

Jake.

Holy shit.

- Stay here, okay?
- Oh, my God.

I'm dead.

(CAR PHONE RINGING)

- Hello?
- CLIFF: Ted. You never called us back.

What happened?

Look, Wease. I told you
not to call me here.

Ted, we're dying. What happened?

You wanna know what happened?

- Buy the book.
- Ted.

I'm really sorry about getting
you mixed up with that guy.

Oh, it's okay.

It wasn't too terrible.

Weird?

I'm really sorry
about last night.

The party.

Lots of things.

You know, neither one
of us is gonna die

if it doesn't happen for us.

That's true.

I just don't know right now.

But I'm covered, okay?
I won't get hurt.

Sure.

I'll leave it up to you.

Fine.

- WOMAN: Oh, my God.
- Her veil.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Come on, honey.

- Honey.
- Let's go!

Come on. Here we go.

Get her in the back seat, Rudy.

Bon voyage!

- See you later.
- Bye.

- Good-bye.
- So long, kids.

Oh, hi. My sister
forgot her veil.

I know she wouldn't want anything
to happen to it. She's...

She's a little out of it.

Just a little bit.

Yeah. Well, excuse me.

Everybody's waiting for me. I wanna
make sure I see my sister leave.

Good-bye.

Bye.

Oh, I need a drink.

Me?

Yeah, you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

What are you doing here?

I heard you were here.

You came here for me?

Is that okay?

Yeah, it's okay.

Do you have to go
to the reception now?

I'm supposed to.

Can I call you later?

Sure.

I mean, no.

No, I can't call you later?

Yeah.

No, I mean I'm not going
to the reception.

Oh. Great.

That's the boy!

Thanks for getting
my undies back.

Thanks for coming over.

Thanks for coming to get me.

Happy birthday, Samantha.

Make a wish.

It already came true.