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1
00:00:03,207 --> 00:00:06,324
♪ They say I might as well face the truth
2
00:00:06,527 --> 00:00:09,803
♪ That I am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:10,007 --> 00:00:13,283
♪ So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:13,487 --> 00:00:16,718
♪ But I am not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,927 --> 00:00:20,806
♪ I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6
00:00:21,007 --> 00:00:24,124
♪ Fading away, but I'm not yet expired
7
00:00:24,327 --> 00:00:28,286
♪ Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
00:00:28,487 --> 00:00:30,876
♪ One foot in the grave ♪
9
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26 years sitting behind a reception desk.
What must that do to a man's brain?
10
00:00:40,087 --> 00:00:42,681
I shouldn't think it does a lot of good.
11
00:00:42,847 --> 00:00:45,236
I suppose it's a bit like a polar bear
12
00:00:45,407 --> 00:00:50,606
that suddenly snaps and ends up
lumbering round its cage bellowing at everyone.
13
00:00:50,767 --> 00:00:53,486
Either way, it'll be a merciful release.
14
00:00:53,647 --> 00:00:57,845
God, early retirement at 60.
You'd jump at the chance.
15
00:00:58,007 --> 00:01:02,000
- Anyone would.
- How did he take it when you told him?
16
00:01:02,167 --> 00:01:04,556
Oh, great, great. No problem.
17
00:01:06,407 --> 00:01:09,683
- Well...
- You have told him?
18
00:01:15,607 --> 00:01:17,996
Yes. Yes, I will, Mildred.
19
00:01:18,167 --> 00:01:20,362
Right. Bye.
20
00:01:22,287 --> 00:01:27,281
Have I got everything?
Watch, fountain pen, cap, wallet... Car keys?
21
00:01:27,487 --> 00:01:31,480
- Mrs Prout's run off with her chiropodist.
- Where did you put my car keys?
22
00:01:31,647 --> 00:01:35,276
- How did they get in there?
- Derek Gibson.
23
00:01:35,487 --> 00:01:40,083
Derek Gibson is not a chiropodist.
He's a foot fetishist. There is a difference.
24
00:01:40,247 --> 00:01:42,715
I've got to take the car into the garage.
25
00:01:42,927 --> 00:01:47,364
Mildred who works in the butcher's
says she's sorry to hear the terrible news.
26
00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:51,560
- That's very ni... What terrible news?
- She didn't say.
27
00:01:51,727 --> 00:01:56,801
She said it wasn't worth shoving your head
in a gas oven. It's a new chapter in your life.
28
00:01:57,007 --> 00:02:01,000
She must have gone completely loopy.
I'm off. I'll see you this evening.
29
00:02:01,167 --> 00:02:03,476
Yes. Bye, Victor.
30
00:02:09,247 --> 00:02:13,445
So, there we are, Victor.
As I say, it's never an easy one for us.
31
00:02:13,607 --> 00:02:19,204
Still, think of all that free time you'll have
to yourself now. You must be thrilled to bits.
32
00:02:19,367 --> 00:02:22,757
- Thrilled to bits...
- The big problem was,
33
00:02:22,927 --> 00:02:25,725
how do you replace a man like Victor Meldrew?
34
00:02:25,887 --> 00:02:28,765
Well, basically, with this box.
35
00:02:28,967 --> 00:02:33,165
- Box...
- I know. Amazing what they come up with.
36
00:02:33,327 --> 00:02:38,117
It does everything you used to do,
except complain about the air conditioning.
37
00:02:38,287 --> 00:02:41,085
Visitors will have a security clearance code.
38
00:02:41,247 --> 00:02:45,843
When they come in,
they just feed the number in here, and...
39
00:02:46,007 --> 00:02:50,000
Good morning.
Welcome to Mycroft Watson Associates.
40
00:02:50,167 --> 00:02:56,356
Mr Whinfrey will be free shortly. If you'd liketo take a seat, we'll call you when he's ready.
41
00:02:56,527 --> 00:02:59,121
Thank you for your cooperation.
42
00:02:59,287 --> 00:03:03,075
I'm sorry we haven't got you
a farewell present yet.
43
00:03:03,247 --> 00:03:06,444
The whip-round is taking longer than expected.
44
00:03:06,607 --> 00:03:11,806
There were very ugly scenes in the accounts
department which were right out of order.
45
00:03:11,967 --> 00:03:16,165
But do feel free to pop in and visit us
any time you're passing,
46
00:03:16,327 --> 00:03:21,321
giving a minimum of five working days' notice
and quoting this six-digit reference number.
47
00:03:21,487 --> 00:03:24,081
Six-digit reference number...
48
00:03:24,247 --> 00:03:28,240
Lucky old you, Victor. A man of leisure at last.
49
00:04:17,807 --> 00:04:20,605
- It was Bovril flavour today.
- What?
50
00:04:20,807 --> 00:04:23,605
The empty crisp packet on the front lawn.
51
00:04:23,767 --> 00:04:26,281
I was expecting prawn cocktail.
52
00:04:27,047 --> 00:04:29,845
Funny how things work out sometimes.
53
00:04:30,007 --> 00:04:31,998
What a day!
54
00:04:32,167 --> 00:04:36,763
We never stopped.
Suddenly everyone's dying at once.
55
00:04:36,927 --> 00:04:40,522
I'm thinking of compiling
a special reference guide.
56
00:04:40,687 --> 00:04:44,475
The Observer's Book Of Crap
On Your Front Lawn.
57
00:04:46,207 --> 00:04:49,404
Give me something to do in the years ahead.
58
00:04:49,567 --> 00:04:52,161
Wreathes. Floral tributes.
59
00:04:52,327 --> 00:04:55,046
I've never known such a run on lilies.
60
00:04:55,687 --> 00:04:59,885
A cornucopia of corpses, Mrs Treby called it.
61
00:05:00,847 --> 00:05:04,840
You know how she comes out
with these funny expressions.
62
00:05:05,007 --> 00:05:07,521
What is it? What's the matter?
63
00:05:08,247 --> 00:05:10,636
I've been replaced by a box.
64
00:05:12,687 --> 00:05:17,078
- What are you talking about?
- Standard procedure for a man of my age.
65
00:05:17,247 --> 00:05:20,239
The next stage is to stick you inside one.
66
00:05:20,407 --> 00:05:24,559
- They haven't retired you?
- Haven't they? It's all a bad dream, then.
67
00:05:24,767 --> 00:05:27,076
What did they say?
68
00:05:27,847 --> 00:05:30,680
''Bugger off, '' I think was the gist of it.
69
00:05:31,847 --> 00:05:34,315
Oh, Victor.
70
00:05:36,567 --> 00:05:40,560
Why is it this seems to be happening
to everyone at the moment?
71
00:05:40,727 --> 00:05:45,039
It was the same with poor old Arthur.
Do you remember?
72
00:05:45,247 --> 00:05:49,445
A lifetime of loyal service,
and then suddenly that was it.
73
00:05:49,607 --> 00:05:53,520
They said he was past it, and he was only 56.
74
00:05:53,727 --> 00:05:56,116
He was an elephant.
75
00:05:58,687 --> 00:06:03,078
I know he was an elephant.
I'm well aware he was an elephant.
76
00:06:03,247 --> 00:06:08,446
He was giving the children elephant rides,
so it's obvious he was an elephant.
77
00:06:08,607 --> 00:06:13,886
No, I'm just... I'm just making the point
how suddenly you become dispensable.
78
00:06:14,087 --> 00:06:19,878
- Why didn't you ring me at the shop?
- I don't know. I've been in a complete daze.
79
00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:26,441
An hour and a half I spent looking at two photos
in the paper of Nicholas Ridley and a dustcart.
80
00:06:26,607 --> 00:06:31,886
I thought it was a spot-the-difference
competition. Can't even see straight any more.
81
00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:36,641
I'll make a cup of tea.
82
00:06:38,287 --> 00:06:40,562
26 years.
83
00:06:44,087 --> 00:06:48,080
His hair always looks nice.
I wonder what he washes it with.
84
00:06:48,287 --> 00:06:52,280
His vest and his socks.
What do you think he washes it with?
85
00:06:52,447 --> 00:06:55,041
What are you saying? It's not real?
86
00:06:55,207 --> 00:06:57,926
Of course it's real. Look at the parting.
87
00:06:58,127 --> 00:07:03,281
That's not a parting. That's the crease
where it's folded up in the box. Are you blind?
88
00:07:05,127 --> 00:07:09,120
He seems in a bad mood tonight.
Or is it just me?
89
00:07:09,287 --> 00:07:15,123
Well, obviously, it has been
a bit of a trial to him, Jean. You know.
90
00:07:15,327 --> 00:07:17,761
It's been a real upset, all told.
91
00:07:18,607 --> 00:07:24,000
But then, he always did get unbearably irritable
at the best of times, didn't he?
92
00:07:24,167 --> 00:07:29,639
- He always was a moaner.
- Sorry. Who's this ''he'' we're talking about?
93
00:07:29,807 --> 00:07:32,958
Dr Crippen? Haigh, the Acid Bath Murderer?
94
00:07:34,567 --> 00:07:37,081
So, how big was it, then, Mr Meldrew?
95
00:07:37,247 --> 00:07:39,841
- What?
- This box.
96
00:07:40,647 --> 00:07:44,640
Well, I suppose it was
about 12 inches wide by about...
97
00:07:44,807 --> 00:07:47,401
What bloody difference does it make how big?
98
00:07:47,567 --> 00:07:52,163
It was a box filled with wires and microchips,
and it's taken my job.
99
00:07:52,327 --> 00:07:56,639
I'm now officially a lower form of life
than a Duracell battery.
100
00:07:56,847 --> 00:07:59,725
You've got to keep busy. That's the thing.
101
00:07:59,887 --> 00:08:05,484
Find things to occupy yourself, like Jean here.
Now, she's never idle. Are you?
102
00:08:05,647 --> 00:08:08,161
All our coffee mornings and jumble sales.
103
00:08:08,327 --> 00:08:10,887
Lunchtime shows every Thursday.
104
00:08:13,327 --> 00:08:15,921
Now, look, there's something you used to do...
105
00:08:16,087 --> 00:08:18,396
Conjuring tricks.
106
00:08:18,567 --> 00:08:21,365
He used to put on little shows for the children.
107
00:08:21,527 --> 00:08:24,325
He's still got all the junk stored in the loft.
108
00:08:24,487 --> 00:08:28,719
You know, silk handkerchiefs, dummy pigeons.
You name it.
109
00:08:28,927 --> 00:08:31,964
- Dummy pigeons?
- Weren't they?
110
00:08:32,167 --> 00:08:34,761
Of course they weren't dummy pigeons.
111
00:08:34,927 --> 00:08:40,320
They were real pigeons. How do you think
they flew across the stage onto that perch?
112
00:08:40,487 --> 00:08:42,876
Don't ask me. Some trickery or other.
113
00:08:43,087 --> 00:08:46,159
Not dummy pigeons. You don't know anything.
114
00:08:46,367 --> 00:08:50,246
So, come down to the centre.
Put on a show for us.
115
00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:53,917
- Yes, very funny (!)
- He's too stubborn.
116
00:08:54,087 --> 00:08:58,285
- Yes, they can be at that age.
- Can they really, at that age?
117
00:08:58,447 --> 00:09:02,759
- Senile dementia, I believe it's called.
- I believe it is.
118
00:09:02,967 --> 00:09:08,485
Of course, he's right. You couldn't expect him
to still manage it, not after all these years.
119
00:09:09,247 --> 00:09:11,841
I can still manage it. Don't worry about that.
120
00:09:12,007 --> 00:09:18,401
I'm just not prepared to prostitute my art
in front of six wizened zombies from the W.I.
121
00:09:19,287 --> 00:09:24,486
I've got plenty to occupy my time. I've been busy
all these years. I'm not going to stop now.
122
00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:30,244
Last thing I'm going to be doing is moping about
at home all day, feeling sorry for myself.
123
00:09:34,727 --> 00:09:36,922
Nine o'clock.
124
00:09:37,087 --> 00:09:40,079
14 more hours before it's time to go to bed.
125
00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:44,675
Oh, God...
126
00:10:04,407 --> 00:10:07,001
(LETTER BOX RATTLES)
127
00:10:16,727 --> 00:10:19,116
A bloody Wickes catalogue.
128
00:10:22,967 --> 00:10:28,280
Mm, goody! A comprehensive list
of larch lap fence panels.
129
00:10:28,447 --> 00:10:31,245
How could I have lived without one (?)
130
00:10:31,407 --> 00:10:34,205
Why is it, when life's at its lowest ebb,
131
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:38,360
when you really need some good news
to cheer you up,
132
00:10:38,527 --> 00:10:43,123
the only thing that comes through your letter box
is a bloody Wickes catalogue?!
133
00:10:43,287 --> 00:10:47,280
God! Perhaps I'll grow a beard.
Give me something to do.
134
00:10:47,447 --> 00:10:52,043
Must be more to it than this.
What do other people do?
135
00:10:52,207 --> 00:10:55,404
What are you doing? Going to the toilet again.
136
00:10:56,607 --> 00:11:01,601
I don't see any reason you're going upstairs
to the toilet. You only went 15 minutes ago.
137
00:11:01,767 --> 00:11:06,283
The only reason you're going again now
is to relieve the monotony.
138
00:11:07,967 --> 00:11:10,356
Pull yourself together, man.
139
00:11:10,527 --> 00:11:13,121
You're becoming a lavatory junkie.
140
00:11:13,807 --> 00:11:18,005
If you go on like this,
I'll have to wire your flies together.
141
00:11:18,167 --> 00:11:22,957
Weld your zip up with a soldering iron.
Do something constructive!
142
00:11:25,167 --> 00:11:29,957
They must be in by now. Give them a call.
What have you got to lose?
143
00:11:36,647 --> 00:11:39,445
Hello. Stapleton Security Systems?
144
00:11:39,607 --> 00:11:43,998
Yes, look, I notice you're advertising for staff
in this week's...
145
00:11:45,167 --> 00:11:47,556
Meldrew. Oh, is he?
146
00:11:47,727 --> 00:11:51,322
Yes, he can. I'm on 770 301.
147
00:11:51,487 --> 00:11:57,278
And... No, that is the home number. I'll be here
all day. No, I'm not going out. I'll be here.
148
00:11:57,447 --> 00:12:01,838
Because I'm here all day, that's why.
Yes, in the house all day.
149
00:12:02,007 --> 00:12:04,726
Never mind ''Sod that for a life.''
150
00:12:04,887 --> 00:12:07,355
Just ask him to ring me. What?
151
00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:10,519
Oh, is he? Oh, yes. Hello? Yes.
152
00:12:10,687 --> 00:12:15,397
Well, I was with Watson Mycroft
at head office for 26 years, so...
153
00:12:15,567 --> 00:12:18,035
Oh, yes, that's absolutely suitable.
154
00:12:18,207 --> 00:12:22,200
- (DOORBELL)
- Could you hold on? Someone at the door.
155
00:12:24,567 --> 00:12:29,880
Good morning. I'm Nick. I'm calling on behalf
of the outward bound scheme for the elderly.
156
00:12:30,047 --> 00:12:32,925
I'm looking for a Mr Victor Meldrew.
157
00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:35,357
- Yes.
- Oh, that's you?
158
00:12:35,527 --> 00:12:38,325
I was told you were in the granny annex.
159
00:12:38,567 --> 00:12:43,846
Granny ann... Look, I'm on the phone.
Can you hang on for just one second, please?
160
00:12:45,647 --> 00:12:51,165
Hello, are you still there? Yes, right.
Come in for a little chat. Why not?
161
00:12:51,367 --> 00:12:56,361
Why not, indeed? Then we can get to know
each other, have a friendly little natter.
162
00:12:56,527 --> 00:12:59,405
You can't do that standing on the doorstep.
163
00:12:59,607 --> 00:13:04,203
10 o'clock? 10.15. Right, fine. I'll be there.
Thank you very much. Goodbye.
164
00:13:04,407 --> 00:13:08,923
- Look, what are you...?
- A natter over a cup of tea. More personal.
165
00:13:09,087 --> 00:13:13,683
- Cup of tea?
- I won't, but it's always nice to be asked.
166
00:13:13,847 --> 00:13:17,840
Now, let me tell you
about the outward bound scheme.
167
00:13:18,007 --> 00:13:22,797
We provide little rides, out and about,
here, there and everywhere.
168
00:13:22,967 --> 00:13:28,246
- I do not want to go to Eastbourne.
- Plus a special minibus to Eastbourne.
169
00:13:28,447 --> 00:13:34,602
With a trained nurse on board should anyone
collapse or suffer a wheezing fit of some kind.
170
00:13:35,687 --> 00:13:40,886
- Look, who sent you round here?
- I think a Mrs Capshaw put us onto you.
171
00:13:41,047 --> 00:13:45,837
- But I'm not quite certain.
- Well, you can just bloody well piss off!
172
00:13:46,007 --> 00:13:50,603
Go and see Mrs Althorp at 25.
I believe she's ready to nail the lid down.
173
00:13:50,767 --> 00:13:54,760
I hear what you're saying.
A desire for independence is perfectly natural.
174
00:13:54,927 --> 00:13:59,717
You mustn't feel that you're being a burden,
a millstone round the neck of society.
175
00:13:59,887 --> 00:14:02,481
I tell you what. I'll give you my phone number.
176
00:14:02,647 --> 00:14:06,640
Look, if I need a car to pick me up,
I'll ring for a hearse.
177
00:14:06,807 --> 00:14:11,801
Lovely to meet you, Mr Meldrew. Sorry
about the cup of tea. Maybe next time. Bye-bye.
178
00:14:11,967 --> 00:14:13,764
Good morning.
179
00:14:18,127 --> 00:14:22,723
Yes. Y-Yes. Well, you are entitled
to that opinion, Mr Glacken.
180
00:14:22,887 --> 00:14:25,481
But with... Yes. But with gr...
181
00:14:25,647 --> 00:14:31,040
But with gr... But with gr... But with great respect,
we sawed the end off in good faith.
182
00:14:31,207 --> 00:14:34,005
So I don't think we can be... Yes.
183
00:14:34,167 --> 00:14:38,445
Well, if that makes you feel better,
by all means, sir. Goodbye to you.
184
00:14:41,887 --> 00:14:46,642
- Good afternoon. You're...?
- Victor Meldrew, the crimson Avenger.
185
00:14:48,287 --> 00:14:51,677
- Yes. I-I-I'm not...
- It's still on the ramp.
186
00:14:51,847 --> 00:14:55,442
- Sorry?
- You promised me it'd be ready by 3.30.
187
00:14:55,607 --> 00:15:01,000
I've just spent two hours getting here in what
the Spanish Inquisition called an iron maiden,
188
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:03,965
but we now call public transport.
189
00:15:04,887 --> 00:15:10,484
It is five o'clock, and I can't help but notice
that my car is still stuck up on a ramp
190
00:15:10,647 --> 00:15:14,640
with pimply youths in boiler suits and earrings
underneath it
191
00:15:14,807 --> 00:15:17,640
fiddling mindlessly with monkey wrenches!
192
00:15:17,847 --> 00:15:21,840
- I'm sure they're working as fast as they can.
- They are not.
193
00:15:22,007 --> 00:15:27,400
Two of them are staging a mock fencing duel
with car aerials. What the hell's going on?!
194
00:15:27,567 --> 00:15:30,286
Just one second, Mr Meldrew.
195
00:15:35,567 --> 00:15:38,161
(SHOUTING)
196
00:15:39,247 --> 00:15:42,125
(BANGING)
197
00:15:42,327 --> 00:15:44,921
(GLASS SMASHES)
198
00:15:51,847 --> 00:15:54,645
There does appear to be a slight hitch, sir.
199
00:15:54,807 --> 00:15:57,765
Can you tell me the problem with the car?
200
00:15:57,967 --> 00:16:00,959
You mean you don't know what's wrong with it?
201
00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:03,925
Well, we know what's wrong with it now.
202
00:16:04,087 --> 00:16:08,478
I was just wondering what was wrong with it
when you brought it in.
203
00:16:08,647 --> 00:16:11,241
Well, it kept sticking in first gear.
204
00:16:11,407 --> 00:16:15,400
Half the time I couldn't get it to go
any faster than ten miles...
205
00:16:15,567 --> 00:16:18,559
What do you mean, what's wrong with it now?!
206
00:16:18,767 --> 00:16:21,565
I apologise. It's difficult to find the parts.
207
00:16:21,767 --> 00:16:24,361
It is if you drop them on the bloody floor.
208
00:16:24,527 --> 00:16:28,520
It's like the Massacre of Glencoe
with spark plugs out there.
209
00:16:28,687 --> 00:16:32,077
It won't be ready for you until midday tomorrow.
210
00:16:32,287 --> 00:16:37,805
Midday?! I've got a job interview on the other
side of town tomorrow! How will I get there?
211
00:16:39,927 --> 00:16:42,725
There we are. We're just passing the park.
212
00:16:42,927 --> 00:16:47,717
Oh, look. Aren't the geraniums nice?
Shall we stop and have a look at them?
213
00:16:47,887 --> 00:16:51,277
I think we all know what a geranium looks like.
214
00:16:51,447 --> 00:16:54,439
Can't this thing go any faster? It's quarter to.
215
00:16:54,647 --> 00:17:00,995
Oh, look at that lady's hat. That's a nice one.
I wonder where she got that. Very smart on her.
216
00:17:01,207 --> 00:17:06,804
My goodness, look at the lovely colour
of the traffic lights. Such a nice shade of green.
217
00:17:07,767 --> 00:17:12,477
I'm sure if we sit here long enough
they'll go back to that lovely red again.
218
00:17:19,607 --> 00:17:24,601
- (ENGINE SPLUTTERS)
- What's the matter? Why have we stopped?
219
00:17:24,767 --> 00:17:27,486
Been stalling like this all week, damn thing.
220
00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:31,322
If I could just get it on a roll
down that slope there, we'd be in business.
221
00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:51,836
That's the ticket, everyone.
222
00:17:52,007 --> 00:17:54,316
Just a bit further.
223
00:17:58,647 --> 00:18:01,207
(ENGINE STARTS)
224
00:18:08,727 --> 00:18:11,446
I'll have this working in just a jiffy here.
225
00:18:12,887 --> 00:18:15,765
I-I don't think I feel very well, Mr Meldrew.
226
00:18:15,967 --> 00:18:21,678
Bound to be a bit stiff. It's been in the attic
for 12 years. All it needs is a good clout.
227
00:18:21,887 --> 00:18:24,560
Mr Meldrew, I don't feel very safe with it.
228
00:18:24,767 --> 00:18:27,156
Maybe the blade's gone a bit rusty...
229
00:18:27,327 --> 00:18:29,522
Bugger that!
230
00:18:30,607 --> 00:18:32,916
Certainly sharp enough still.
231
00:18:33,127 --> 00:18:37,723
- Mr Meldrew, what if it doesn't work?
- It'll work. Have a little faith.
232
00:18:39,487 --> 00:18:42,285
I want to get out. I feel extremely dizzy.
233
00:18:42,447 --> 00:18:45,439
Don't rock the frame. It won't do it any good.
234
00:18:48,727 --> 00:18:51,924
Perfect! Perfect working order.
235
00:18:52,087 --> 00:18:54,885
That's splendid. I'm very pleased with that.
236
00:18:55,087 --> 00:18:58,124
Oh... Oh... I think I'm going to be sick.
237
00:18:59,367 --> 00:19:01,961
Not on that rug. I've just cleaned it.
238
00:19:03,607 --> 00:19:06,201
Not as bad as I thought it was going to be.
239
00:19:06,367 --> 00:19:10,360
How long do you want me to do?
A half-hour? I could stretch it to 45.
240
00:19:10,527 --> 00:19:12,995
I-I'll give you a ring tomorrow.
241
00:19:14,047 --> 00:19:16,925
Jean! What's the matter? Your neck?
242
00:19:17,087 --> 00:19:20,079
Don't touch it, please. My head may fall off.
243
00:19:24,967 --> 00:19:27,561
Have you been guillotining that woman?
244
00:19:27,727 --> 00:19:30,685
I told you to try it on a cushion first.
245
00:19:30,887 --> 00:19:34,675
Where's the pleasure in that?
Anyway, it was fine.
246
00:19:34,847 --> 00:19:37,077
I thought it might have gone rusty.
247
00:19:39,007 --> 00:19:43,046
Escapology. Do you think I've still got the knack?
248
00:19:43,247 --> 00:19:45,442
Margaret?
249
00:19:50,847 --> 00:19:54,237
- How did the interview go?
- Don't ask.
250
00:19:54,447 --> 00:19:57,439
- I just asked.
- Well, don't.
251
00:19:57,607 --> 00:20:00,201
I got there two hours late in a bad temper
252
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:05,157
and was immediately insulted by some gink
in a peaked cap at the front desk.
253
00:20:05,327 --> 00:20:07,716
You know what they're like.
254
00:20:09,847 --> 00:20:14,637
- What did he say?
- He said, ''You'll have come to do the drains.''
255
00:20:15,487 --> 00:20:18,081
Then I got through to the personnel officer
256
00:20:18,247 --> 00:20:23,719
and he managed to make three unpleasant
remarks about my hat before I even sat down.
257
00:20:23,887 --> 00:20:26,685
So I told him where to stick his job and left.
258
00:20:27,487 --> 00:20:30,206
Mr Lankersham came into the shop today.
259
00:20:30,367 --> 00:20:34,963
From your old office.
With a big leaving card for you.
260
00:20:35,127 --> 00:20:37,687
He said they were going to post it,
261
00:20:37,847 --> 00:20:40,441
but it would just be a waste of a stamp.
262
00:20:40,647 --> 00:20:45,437
That's all he brought, I take it. Not a gold watch
or a set of priceless wine glasses.
263
00:20:45,607 --> 00:20:50,203
You never know. There's still time.
They could be planning a big surprise.
264
00:20:50,367 --> 00:20:53,120
Yes. Look, there go a flock of flying pigs (!)
265
00:20:59,647 --> 00:21:02,957
I've got lamb chops for tea. Is that all right?
266
00:21:03,127 --> 00:21:04,719
Fine.
267
00:21:11,847 --> 00:21:16,841
Are you going to give me a hand with these
potatoes, or do I have to do everything myself?
268
00:21:17,007 --> 00:21:19,202
Just coming.
269
00:21:22,607 --> 00:21:25,804
- Any luck?
- Yes, at long last.
270
00:21:25,967 --> 00:21:30,757
They had to put in a new clutch,
a complete new gearbox and four new tyres.
271
00:21:30,927 --> 00:21:35,205
Don't know why they didn't stick
a new car onto the wing mirror.
272
00:21:35,367 --> 00:21:39,121
- Where are you going?
- Taking Mrs Birkett for a meal.
273
00:21:39,327 --> 00:21:43,605
- I thought she was dead.
- They found out that was a mistake.
274
00:21:43,767 --> 00:21:46,235
She's still got a gyppy spleen.
275
00:21:46,407 --> 00:21:50,082
- Are you going to fix this shelf?
- Yes, don't worry.
276
00:21:50,247 --> 00:21:53,125
Make sure it's level. See you when I see you.
277
00:21:53,287 --> 00:21:55,005
Bye.
278
00:21:55,887 --> 00:21:58,196
Daylight robbery.
279
00:21:58,367 --> 00:22:01,677
Well, can we squeeze in one more question?
280
00:22:01,847 --> 00:22:07,843
I'd like to ask the Chancellor how he would feel
about having a large hole bored in his head.
281
00:22:13,207 --> 00:22:16,005
That's better. How was it for you, Chancellor?
282
00:22:16,167 --> 00:22:18,556
(PHONE RINGS)
283
00:22:20,687 --> 00:22:24,282
- Yes?
- Mr Meldrew? It's Mrs Warboys.
284
00:22:24,447 --> 00:22:29,441
I'm down at the community centre. I'm goingthrough some bits and pieces with Mr Matthews.
285
00:22:29,607 --> 00:22:32,997
- He's doing the lighting for the show tomorrow.
- Yes.
286
00:22:33,167 --> 00:22:37,160
I know it's late, but we were wonderingif you could get down here.
287
00:22:37,327 --> 00:22:41,115
Run through your act,
just to give us some sort of idea.
288
00:22:41,287 --> 00:22:43,676
Couldn't it wait till tomorrow?
289
00:22:43,847 --> 00:22:49,240
Well, Mr Matthews can't get here till one,now the abattoir's gone off flexitime.
290
00:22:49,407 --> 00:22:54,003
If you can pop down about eight
it will be worth your while, I promise you.
291
00:22:54,167 --> 00:22:57,955
I'm just in the mid... Will it be worth my while?
292
00:22:58,127 --> 00:23:00,595
Oh, yes, Mr Meldrew. Definitely.
293
00:23:01,687 --> 00:23:06,442
Right. OK. I'll be there at eight.
Fine. See you then. Goodbye.
294
00:23:06,647 --> 00:23:08,126
Bye.
295
00:23:09,007 --> 00:23:14,001
(MARGARET) You never know. There's stilltime. They could be planning a big surprise.
296
00:23:14,167 --> 00:23:19,958
Yes. Going out for dinner with Mrs Birkett.
Not in that dress, she wouldn't.
297
00:23:20,127 --> 00:23:23,164
No, no. It's all making absolute sense now.
298
00:23:23,367 --> 00:23:25,756
Right. Eight o'clock.
299
00:23:36,927 --> 00:23:42,320
Just a second, Mr Meldrew. Hang on there.
The lights have just all fused on us.
300
00:23:42,487 --> 00:23:45,285
Oh, dearie me. Have they really? Yes.
301
00:23:45,447 --> 00:23:48,245
This way. Ah, here we are.
302
00:23:48,407 --> 00:23:52,400
I'm sure Mr Matthews
will have them all on in a sec.
303
00:23:54,607 --> 00:23:56,199
Oh.
304
00:23:58,007 --> 00:23:59,804
Sorry?
305
00:24:00,007 --> 00:24:03,556
- What?
- You're done up like a dog's dinner.
306
00:24:03,767 --> 00:24:06,725
You off somewhere nice afterwards?
307
00:24:06,927 --> 00:24:08,918
What?
308
00:24:09,087 --> 00:24:11,476
Oh... Yes. Erm...
309
00:24:11,687 --> 00:24:14,485
- It's just I thought...
- Yes?
310
00:24:16,207 --> 00:24:18,004
Nothing.
311
00:24:18,167 --> 00:24:22,558
So, have you got all your paraphernalia
with you, then?
312
00:24:24,327 --> 00:24:26,318
Oh. Erm...
313
00:24:26,487 --> 00:24:28,079
Yes.
314
00:24:29,087 --> 00:24:31,476
I'll get it out of the boot.
315
00:24:36,007 --> 00:24:40,478
Thank you very much, then, Mr Meldrew.
It was all very useful.
316
00:24:40,647 --> 00:24:43,036
See you tomorrow at one.
317
00:24:43,207 --> 00:24:46,005
- Yes, thank you. Bye-bye.
- Bye.
318
00:24:54,847 --> 00:24:57,441
(ENGINE STARTS)
319
00:24:59,967 --> 00:25:02,959
(GEARS GRIND )
320
00:25:03,127 --> 00:25:07,598
You're supposed to have fixed this,
for God's sake!
321
00:25:24,207 --> 00:25:26,801
Having trouble, Mr Meldrew?
322
00:25:29,007 --> 00:25:32,795
- Can I give you a lift anywhere?
- Bugger off!
323
00:25:40,647 --> 00:25:43,036
Fix it? I'll fix them.
324
00:25:43,207 --> 00:25:45,801
(GEARS GRIND )
325
00:25:55,127 --> 00:26:00,121
Here comes another one, look. It makes you
wonder what their marriages must be like.
326
00:26:00,327 --> 00:26:07,278
Hey, he's an old codger, by the look of him.
He's stopping next to Sharon.
327
00:26:07,447 --> 00:26:09,836
Excuse me, miss.
328
00:26:10,007 --> 00:26:13,602
Bingo! Here we go. You've copped it, sunshine.
329
00:26:20,967 --> 00:26:24,960
The court then heard evidence
from WPC Sharon Banks,
330
00:26:25,127 --> 00:26:30,918
who had been posing as a call girl as part
of a police operation to trap kerb-crawlers.
331
00:26:31,127 --> 00:26:37,521
''I first observed the accused driving round
the area slowly with a shifty look on his face, ''
332
00:26:37,687 --> 00:26:39,484
she said.
333
00:26:39,647 --> 00:26:45,040
''He pulled up and called out, 'Excuse me, miss,
but can you spare me some time?'
334
00:26:45,207 --> 00:26:51,203
''When I asked what he meant, he replied,
'I may need a hand pumping this thing up.'
335
00:26:53,367 --> 00:26:57,963
''A problem, I gather,
commonly associated with elderly men.''
336
00:27:00,047 --> 00:27:06,441
A search of Meldrew's car revealed a collection
of chains, padlocks and handcuffs.
337
00:27:07,927 --> 00:27:11,317
When quizzed about these by the prosecution,
338
00:27:11,487 --> 00:27:15,878
he claimed to have been out that night
rehearsing an escapology act,
339
00:27:16,047 --> 00:27:18,845
to much laughter and merriment from the jury.
340
00:27:19,007 --> 00:27:23,000
Though cleared of all the charges
before him, Meldrew was...
341
00:27:23,167 --> 00:27:26,159
fined L500 for contempt of court
342
00:27:26,327 --> 00:27:31,355
after taking the Bible in his right hand
and hurling it at the presiding magistrate.
343
00:27:37,127 --> 00:27:39,925
Not been a very good week, has it?
344
00:27:40,087 --> 00:27:44,285
Perhaps an electric fire in the bath
might be the answer.
345
00:27:44,447 --> 00:27:47,041
Time will sort it out.
346
00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:51,405
You can't expect things to run smoothly
straightaway.
347
00:27:51,567 --> 00:27:52,886
No.
348
00:27:53,087 --> 00:27:56,284
You're like a car stuck in the wrong gear.
349
00:27:57,047 --> 00:28:01,677
You've got to change down, slow down,
adapt to a new routine.
350
00:28:01,847 --> 00:28:05,317
You've got a whole new life ahead of you, Victor.
351
00:28:05,487 --> 00:28:08,285
I mean, you've hardly started.
352
00:28:09,407 --> 00:28:12,001
You've got it all still to come.
353
00:28:13,007 --> 00:28:14,486
Yes.
354
00:28:14,647 --> 00:28:17,036
That's what scares me.
355
00:28:20,127 --> 00:28:23,483
♪ They say I might as well face the truth
356
00:28:23,687 --> 00:28:26,997
♪ That I am just too long in the tooth
357
00:28:27,167 --> 00:28:30,364
♪ I've started to deteriorate
358
00:28:30,527 --> 00:28:33,917
♪ And now I've passed my own sell-by date
359
00:28:34,087 --> 00:28:37,397
♪ Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
360
00:28:37,607 --> 00:28:40,883
♪ I have to pop my teeth in to chew
361
00:28:41,087 --> 00:28:44,284
♪ And my old knees have started to knock
362
00:28:44,447 --> 00:28:47,644
♪ I've just got too many miles on the clock
363
00:28:47,807 --> 00:28:51,482
♪ So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
364
00:28:51,687 --> 00:28:55,396
♪ It's true that my body has seen better days
365
00:28:55,607 --> 00:28:59,202
♪ But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave
366
00:28:59,367 --> 00:29:01,756
♪ One foot in the grave
367
00:29:02,567 --> 00:29:04,956
♪ One foot in the grave
368
00:29:06,207 --> 00:29:08,801
♪ One foot in the grave ♪
31622
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