Original subtitles

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[suspenseful music]

[Russian accent] Where are you hiding?

Shhhhh...

[Korean Accent] You have to get me out of here.

They gonna kill me.

I have so much to live for.

I have so much to give to science...

- Shut up! Shut up!

- My grasses

I got it.

Hellrrrooo

Okay, here's what were gonna do, you need to take this to the cops

and I'll take care of Latimere.

Wont you get hurt?

I may get hurt, but I'll avoid injury

I love you.

I know.

[gun click]

Okay okay.

Hand it over.

Come on come on.

[sniff sniff]

Ahhhhhhhhhh.

Latimere! Come here now!

I got them now! Oh Oh!

I told you never trust a North Korean.

Exactly.

[gun shot] Bang.

[laughs]

[Chung] Come on, go, come on.

[Latimere] Betrayed...

Never trust... North Korean...

[dying gasp]

[music fads out]

That was a clip from the action flick, Secret Formula.

We're joined today by the film's producers, writers, directors,

and one of the lead actors, Gordon Edwards and Ian Allen.

Welcome guys.

Thank you, Peter.

- I just want to be clear before we start the interviews,

that we did both produce this film.

- I wrote it.

- Right, but we both directed it.

- Well I mostly directed it.

- I star in it.

- You did star in it.

- And I did the fight scenes.

- Yes, you did the fight scenes.

Okay well, we got that, aside..

Ah, I personally don't know a lot of

actors who are also directors.

- I tell him that all the time, Pete.

I Really I can't even think, off the top of my head,

one single director slash actor.

- Mel Gibson, Clint Eastwood, Sylvester Stallone, Jackie Chan...

- Oh ah, Jackie Chan, of course.

But the truth is you know, you gotta shit-or-get-off-the-pot.

Can I, can I say shit on PBS?

- Uh, they'll beep it.

- Anyway, I tell him that all the time, and you know,

make your decision - front of the camera, behind the camera.

[Pete] Does he have to make that choice right now on the show?

- Uh, no.

[laughs]

- Good.

Riveting television there guys.

[chuckles mockingly] Let's get a shot of him deciding.

Alright, so you know you guys are in a small market.

You're not in LA, you're not in New York,

not even Chicago; how do you find actors?

Well a lot of the time we'll just post something on...

- Usually put something on Craigslist.

- Yeah, you can do it.

- Okay.

So we put something on Craigslist and the reason

you do that is because there's just so much

talent out there, and Craigslist is really the best way to reach that talent.

And there's just so many talented people, and it's really hard because

so many times you have these... uh

great, talented people and...

I just can't tell you how much talent is in this area.

Yeah... a lot of talent.

[Audition #1] Uh, first I'd like to thank, thank you guys for letting me back in to do another

audition with you after the last time.

I know things got kind of out of hand, a little heated.

I said some things, you said... well, I said some things.

[Cody] Sorry, sorry... a little nervous here.

I try again. Is it okay if I try again?

Just keep going right where I was or you want me start over?

Um...my name is Brian and my girlfriend wants me to be an actor,

so she brought me here today.

She said I'm good-looking.

Now what?

[Audition #4] I would really like to, um, I guess for my audition, I have...

[sighs]

Um, what do you guys want to hear?

[Audition #5] I can do um, an Australian accent.

[Gordan] Let's see it.

- OK

Crikey mate, I'm Australian.

[Chung] [Sounds of grunting]

[Gordan] What are you doing?

[Chung] I'm acting.

[Gordan] Like what?

As if I was taking a shit.

[Audition #7] You got me all stressed out, my hair falling out, my weights up and down.

Two miscarriages! You! Took life from me Charles.

[Audition #8] It was a sex dungeon and I walked in one time with my mom and my dad just going at it.

It's poisoning of the system do to the failure of the body to eliminate it's poison.

Rawr rawr rawr

awww, he he he he

[Audition #11] We'll be learning hand-to-hand combat and martial arts.

[Cody] I do my own...my own stunts.

[Audition #11] haikydu

Taekwondo

[Cody] If there is anything else I can do to, you know

[Gordan] No, we'll be in touch. We'll be in touch

[Cody] Yeah. Ok.

Now either you prove yourself or go home your mama.

[relief breathing]

Nor I am I sure that...

it's no force in eyes... that can do hurt.

[pause]

Is that Shakespeare?

oh yes.

Yes, it was Phoebe in "As you'd like it."

oh

Ok, um...

Katherine did you read the character description?

- Oh yes I did.

[Gordon] You realize that the character you were reading for is a 25 year old girl?

Yes. Ik.

I thought though maybe you'll change the script a little bit to accommodate my look and my style.

Well I mean we're willing to stretch out a little bit but, ah...

[Ian] It's.. dii... it's too much.

The problem is, is that... our lead actor is 25 years old. So to cast

somebody who's that much older such as yourself... might look a little weird.

It's weird.

Weird?

Yeah they kiss at one part.

[Gordon] So I mean are you willing to take a lesser role?

Oh well I'd like to be a part of the project.

- Great. - Perfect.

- Okay. - Thank you.

[Ian] We have your information. So if we once we decide and go through everything,

we will ahh get a hold of you.

- Oh do you have my résumé?

[Ian] Ah yes, [Katherine] Oh yes you do. [Ian] yes I do. [Gordon] We do.

[Katherine] Do you have my email?

[Ian] Ah yeah if it's on this résumé, Yep we got it.

[Katherine] You know I'm available just about whatever.

[Ian] I can see why.

[Katherine] And when will you be making your decision?

[Ian] We don't make any decision that's up to about someone else.

[film projector noise]

[Gordon] So did you put that ad on Craigslist like I asked you to?

- Yeah, did you get the light that we need yet?

- Well I was kind of banking on that quick starter video. How's that going anyway?

- Yeah I'll check it when I get home.

But we're not starting this project without a good light.

- What's wrong with the light we have now?

- No, and I'm not doing another project with your stupid work lights.

[crunch noise]

I thought you're on a diet.

- It's a cheat day.

You get that location squared away?

- Mmm yeah he said we can film there, as long as we put his daughter in the film.

- Really? She any good?

- Did you hear what I said? The two go hand-in-hand. You want the location or not?

[Stephanie] How's everything tasting guys?

[Ian] Mmm yeah the bread is real fluffy.

- Is fluffy good?

[Ian] It's pretty good.

[Stephanie] Okay, well let me know if you need anything else.

- Okay

What do you think?

[Gordon] About what?

- Her for the Emily character.

- Well come on man. - What?

- I thought we already talked about this. We're not going to be hiring actresses you want to get with. We gotta hire the best actresses.

Don't you remember Zimbabwe zombies?

[growling]

[growl]

Hey

[growl]

[growling dying]

Take that you Zimbabwe zombies.

[sigh] How's that?

It's pretty good.

[Zombie] How I do?

[Gordon] Hot chick, terrible actress.

- Well I'd like to at least have her audition.

- Do what you want.

Hey.

Sorry.

What can I help you with?

- Oh well, actually, we were just wondering if you've ever acted before?

Actually I'm a theater major, why?

Well my buddy and I are making a movie and we were wondering if you like to audition?

It's for the female lead.

Is this a porno?

It could be, [laugh] but no.

Is this a paid gig?

It could be, but no.

[Stephanie sighs]

We actually won some awards for our films.

Could you get me another drink please?

- Yeah.

What?

- You heard her dude she's a theater actress.

- A theater major.

- Whatever theater actresses are never good they blow out the mics because they're

always protecting the voices. They're always full of drama.

Don't like the drama don't like the drama I don't want any drama on my set.

[Stephanie] There you go.

Stephanie okay so uh is it okay if we set up an audition?

To be honest, I'd be kind of disappointed if you didn't.

[Ian's voice narrating] For years now, Gordon and I have entertained you.

[Beep Beep] No.

By using our own money to fund our film projects. Including films such as Connie The Destroyer.

I'll call you back.

So what is the goal here?

To crush your enemies, seasoned woman before you,

and you hear the lamentation of the women.

[gun magazine sound]

[gun shots]

[yelling over the gun shots] Is that really necessary?

[Ian narrating] Searching for Elsa.

Hey Elsa.

Yeah?

You complete me.

Shut up, you had me at hello.

I know.

[giggle]

[Gordon narrating] And Zimbabwe Zombies.

[zombie moaning]

Look, what we had was special.

[zombie roared]

[screening]

[screening]

[chewing noises]

[screening]

The horror.

The horror!

Aahhhh.

But now we're asking for your help, to make our best film yet.

- We figured it out, if each of our fans donated just $20

- Just $20?

- That's right Ian, just $20. [mouth made explosion sound]

[Ian] And we make our goal?

You know it.

[explosion sound effect]

So what do we need money for?

- Funny you should ask that Ian.

That money will enable us to buy a red epic camera.

There red.

[shining sound]

Isn't that what real Hollywood productions used to shoot their films on? If we can shoot on a red epic

there's no telling where our films can go. Festivals.

- Distribution.

- That's right Gordon.

Did you know last year five independent films that were shot on a red epic we're accepted into major film festivals...

and then offered distribution?

- No way.

- Yes. So for a small donation of just $20 you can get a DVD.

But guess what, with a donation of $100 or more you can get a producer credit.

And who doesn't want to be a producer on a film?

[Ian and Gordon together] So donate now.

Hey Gordon it's me.

I don't think we're to make that goal man.

So you're gonna have to get those lights on your own.

[Gordon] Come on man. You know I don't have any money.

Well am sorry that was the deal, if I got the tripod you'll get the lights.

[cat meowing]

Hey, get out of here.

[Ian] You're knocking shit all over.

[Ian] I got to go.

[yelling at the cat] [hang up noice]

[keys opening a door]

[barking]

[repeating barking]

[barking stops]

[toilet flushing]

Hey buddy, you'll wash your hands?

[Daughter] Dad dad dad. [Gordon] What? [Tina] Dinner is almost ready. [Gordon] Okay.

[Daughter] I can get my own music video done were I'm the Stars for only $10,000.

- Ha, only $10,000 uh.

I already told you that I would do it for you for nothing.

- Yeah but these people are professionals.

[Gordon] Oh thanks. [Tina] You didn't spend any money today did you?

- What?

- We're really tight this week so don't spend anything.

- Okay.

- Gord [snap snap] I'm serious we had the water bill come in this week, it was ridiculous.

[Daughter] Dad, Mary Ellen is coming to film for the video this weekend.

[Tina] Did you fix the toilet yet?

[Gordon] Ah yeah, I did. I think.

- You fixed it or not?

- Yes I definitely fix the toilet.

[Daughter] Dad, my understanding is, you'll only pay half up front and the rest when...

[Tina] You didn't fix it, did you?

[Gordon] Yes I did. I totally fixed the toilet. You'll be proud to take a dump on that toilet.

[Son] Dad, I just got a new Dragon.

[Tina] And how much money did you spend today?

[Gordon] I bought a cheeseburger, okay? My god I didn't realize we're so broke.

- You're unbelievable. You knew that I was making dinner.

[Tina] And what about this whole, healthy eating thing, huh?

[Gordon] I was hungry. I'm so sorry.

- I'm sorry I made dinner.

[pan loudly drop in the skin]

[Gordon] Nice!

Tell me again how broke we are.

Daddy.

It's my dream.

[sigh]

[cat meowing]

[Ian] So I think they found somebody to play the Emily character.

But theres still this one scene that's bothering me.

Well, I'm glad you found her. Those lead actresses are really hard to come by.

Not like you live before anything.

I thought we talked about this, we're gonna keep our things separate so we had something to talk about at night.

Can I talk to you about this...

What?

- Nothing.

What's the big deal?

- It's nothing.

Never mind.

- Well it's something I can tell you're mad.

- Ian, it's nothing. Just goto bed.

- You're going to tell me eventually anyway, so why don't we just get this over with?

I just don't understand why you would hire some amateur actress. Who you have never worked with before.

When you have me, your girlfriend, right here.

- Well she looks good...

She, she's good for the part. Ok and she's a theater major.

Where is this going? I mean wha, what do you see happening here?

See what? what are you talking about?

- We've been together for three years Ian. Are you gonna propose at some point?

- I didn't know we're in a rush?

- Three... Three years is not a rush, Ian.

My parents got married after six months.

- Yeah look at them they're miserable.

[angry gasp]

Look, I'm sorry I just got a lot on my mind.

- Yeah and it's obvious that I am not what you were thinking about.

- I think about you all the time.

When?

Like right now.

Thinking about how beautiful you are.

- Ahhk please.

Can I talk to you about the scene or not?

Amy?

[Ian sigh]

[Amy] I'm just glad this is gonna be your last movie.

This is going to be your last one right?

- Yeah that's what I said.

[Amy] Good.

You can talk to me when it's over.

So no to talking about the scene then?

- No. Why don't you ask your new lead actress?

[Amy sarcastically] Theater major.

[car honks]

[Mr. Hogskin] Hello and welcome to Oinkers.

I'm you CEO, Mr. Hogskin.

You see, when I was a kid. I use to eat a lot of chicken.

[squeak toy sound]

But not because of a stereotype. It's because I didn't know any better.

[crash sound]

As of now I discovered the brand new taste of pork.

[toy pig squeal]

And that's what I had to open up Oinkers.

Where you allowed to be a pig.

[toy pig snort] [toy pig snort]

Say what?

[toy pig snort] [toy pig snort]

Oh I'll tell them.

[shining sound]

At Oinkers you get a choice of 10... [sound fade out]

[customers talking]

[kids giggling]

Go get him. Go get him.

Hey man what's the deal with this weekend? Are we still shooting or...

- Oh yeah no Gordon was supposed to send out an email. So.

I, I ain't get any emails.

- Yeah we still need it for this weekend.

- Okay good. I ain't go to film school for nothing then.

[Sanchez] Wait, you said you weren't gonna make any more movies.

- No, I said I didn't have any more parts.

- You lie.

- I didn't lie Sanchez, there's just no more parts.

- Please.

[speaking Spanish]

Tell him, tell him I'm a good actor.

- Yes great actor.

- You see, I'm the greatest performer. Look.

Sandwiches are not only for eating you can juggle them too.

[Manager] Order up!

[sigh]

[Customer] You get her number? You chickened out, why?

No way she was that hot. Ahh there's no way.

Because I'd be with her if she was real. Yes I would. How the rubble double?

Did you hear me?

How's the rubble-double-pork Trouble?

- Yeah it's alright. Pretty good.

Yeah mom, I'm just at that stupid Oinkers ordering,

yeah no no I'm fine.

About the pigtastic, how that?

Uh. Yeah it's probably better than the double trouble.

- You mean the rubble Double Pork Trouble?

- Yeah.

They'll hire anyone in this dump.

[Wheezing]

[Customer] You know what I'm talking about.

[wheezing continues]

Right.

[more wheezing]

[louder wheezing]

You still got that two-for-one deal? I got a coupon.

Uh. Actually this expired. This ended last week.

- So what?!

You're just gonna have a new one next week for the same thing anyway.

Am I right?

- I don't make the rules sir.

- But the customer's always right.

Am I right?

[wheezes again]

- Not today.

I gotta go.

[Manager] Chop-chop Ian this is fast food remember.

Hi, I'm what seems to be the problem?

[Customer burps]

Are you the Manager?

- Yes I most certainly am and how can I help you today?

- Well, I got this coupon and your employee over here won't let me use it.

I'm so sorry about that sir, let me look at this.

Hold on one second.

Ian this is totally fine for him to use.

The customer is always right, not you.

I am so sorry about that sir, Ian will help you complete your purchase.

And you have a wonderful day.

Ian.

[Manager yelling at another employee]

What do you want?

- Can I get that substitute for the choke on pork sandwhich?

[Wheezes again]

[Manager] ...and then you sweep the lobby. How hard is that?

[speaking Spanish]

[Manager yelling back]

Yeah sure

[wheezing]

[burb]

[more wheezing]

[classical music]

[Gordon] Please everyone have a seat.

We've got a lot to do and I don't have a lot of time. Richards what do you got for me?

[stuttering]

That's enough. McCarthy go.

We took out all the romantic scenes and replaced them with tanks and explosions like you requested.

- Excellent.

What movie was that for again?

- The Promise of Love.

- Ah yeah, that's right. Next!

And there is a flower and the flower dies and this has meaning because death really like...

[voice fade out] [phone rings]

Mr. Edwards office.

Oh yes, one moment please.

Gordon, it's Mr. Spielberg.

Add some ninja assassins to that and were in business.

Genius.

Steve-o. How was a trip?

[fire alarm]

[fire alarm stopped]

[Gilly] Where do you think you're going?

- There's a fire, I'm a firefighter. I'm gonna go fight a fire.

- Haha. Look Gordon we've been over this many times before.

No, you're the house guard you're not going anywhere.

Powers, is this truck ready to go?

[Powers] Yes Chief. [Chief] Alright let's get it out of here.

Come on Chief.

[Gilly] No.

[Gordon] Wait a minute.

I can still do this Gilly.

- Look, I can't take the chances you not being able to do your job on the fire ground.

[fire truck siren] God forbid you having a heart attack.

- What do you want me to do?

- Get in shape.

[fire chief car siren]

[food slam down]

[Customer] Right. [Customer wheezing]

Right. [wheezing continues]

[Manager] Ian! Did you just get back guy 2 choke on pork sandwiches?

- Yeah that's what he wanted.

- Yeah but that's not part of the two-for-one deal.

- Well the customer's always right. I was just trying to do what I thought what you would have done.

- Look I make those decisions, not you.

- I was just trying to move things along I mean...

- Are you a manager?

Are you a manager?

No.

- Damn straight you're not a manager. And until you've earned the title you better

stay out of the ring. You know how long it took me to get here?

- A long time.

- 2 years. One whole year as an assistant manager,

and another year in advance pork training. and you know what? I taught you everything you know.

I taught Sanchez everything he knows. And does anyone care?

No. I'm a fast food restaurant manager.

So from the second you punch in until the moment you punch out,

I own you bitches.

[thunder sounds]

[Ian narrating] The world's most elite cashier

[gun shot] [Customer wheezing]

[Ian's narrating continues] will discover a secret war between customer and fast food.

[Customer] There's a time for pork and there's a time for chicken.

Pork is dead

White House is down.

[Ian narrating] But when his enemies combined forces.

Lets make his life miserable.

Agree.

Take out the trash.

[Ian narrating] He's only got one choice.

[pig squeal]

[pig squeal louder]

I'm scared.

[gun shots]

[Manager] Only heroes survive in the world of fast food.

[gun shots]

And you, are no, hero!

[Customer] You ain't nothing but a lowly cashier.

Now give me something to eat.

[Ian] Eat this.

[Ian narrating] Sometimes fast food...

[Ian] You don't own me. Nobody owns me!

[Sanchez] Please let me be in the movie.

Ahhh

[Ian's narrating continues] isn't fast enough.

[wheezing]

[Ian narrating] Living legend Ian Alan.

[wheezing continues]

This one is on the house.

Roundhouse.

[pig squeal]

[Ian narrating] Customer Service

Boy you sure can fight.

D-cha-cha cha-cha cha-cha.

[Manager] Ian

[Manager] Hello. What are you doing? Clean up the table. Get to work.

Actually wait one second.

Yeah Ian. No, put that down. Come here.

Pick this up Ian.

You can go ahead and just pick that up for me.

And now you can clean up the table.

If you have time to lean, you have time to clean, Ian.

[Oinkers commercial sound fades in]

[Mr. Hogskin singing] Thanks for choosing Oinkers. Where your allowed to be pig.

[Mr. Hogskin] Oink oink.

I was surprised to see that this film was completed on such a small budget. How do you accomplish that?

Well I think people want to be a part of a quality production and at the end of the day that's exactly what we deliver.

- Right I think mostly though we have a lot of volunteers and so in order to

get it done, we have to respect them and respect the time that they're given us.

- Yeah but they have to respect us too and for us to get their respect I think we

have to portray, a very professional image. So when we're on set, especially

when we're on set. I always come off very professionally. At all times. Very professional.

Hey man, where are you?

No, you said you were gonna be here.

Yes, you did. Today. It was today. There's a bunch of people here waiting, for you. You can't just not show up today, it's unprofessional...

[Ian] Thanks for coming by today.

[Stephanie] Thanks for casting me.

[Ian] Not a problem.

[Gordon] Don't you do that to me. You told me you you'll be here.

[Ian] You know this usually doesn't happen.

Don't you hang up on me. Don't you hang up on me. Don't you hang up on me. You'll never work in this town again!

Never! Never! Never!

Ahk! [crash]

[Ian smirking]

[Gordon moaning]

Can you come back tomorrow?

Yeah.

[motorcycle engine]

[click click]

[Gordon] Hey everyone so this is Cody.

He'll be taking over as our new bad guy.

[Gordon] As all of you know I had to fire that douche yesterday.

- I thought he quit.

- I fired him!

All right you fired him. Whatever.

At any rate, he's gone Cody's in.

So, let's get this show on the road.

[Gordon] Come on everyone let's go burning

daylight here. I want those cameras rolling in five minutes.

[Gordon] Come on, we got a movie to make here let's go.

[Ian] Are you guys ready?!

Rollin?

Rollin!

And!

- ACTION!!!

[suspenseful music]

[music stops]

[German accent] Not only is that purse very fashionable and with go great with my outfit.

I really appreciates the contents inside.

Hands it over.

Agent Double O 592 dash 3 and a quarter.

You've unknowingly fallen right into my trap.

[villains laugh]

[laughing stops]

Boys I very much dislikes the color of these walls.

I suggest you repaint them my favorite color.

Mmm.

[music restarts]

[Cody] It was nice knowing you agent.

You boys know what to do.

Get em boys.

[reveal sound]

[Cody] Mmmm

So it appears like we are going to have to do this the old-fashioned way than.

[music gets intense]

[music stops]

Is that the American actor Tom Cruise?

Wha-ha-ha you're dead.

[gun shots]

[music restarts]

[gun shot]

Rahhh!

[Cody] Ahhh

[gasp]

Not only are you quicker than I expected Agent Double O 592 dash 3 and a quarter,

you've appeared to make my old factory release hemoglobin.

The real question is are you quick enough to dodge this?

[music stops]

[Gordon] Cut. Cut. Cut.

[Ian] You all right? [Gordon] Geez. [Cody] Yeah.

[Gordon] How that look?

[Jeff] We might need to do that again.

[Gordon] Ah come on. [Cody] What was wrong with it?

[Jeff] A little out of focus.

[Gordon] Amateur. [Jeff] Sorry.

[Kyle] Guys, I really need to leave.

What? You said I had until 3 o'clock.

No. I have to be there at 3:00.

[Gordon] [sigh] Oh geez. What else could go wrong?

[Kyle] Thanks for the opportunity.

[Ian] So what are we gonna do?

I thought we're gonna have Cody fall on the the bodies there at the end.

We can't do it without Kyle.

- Well, what do you want me to do about it He left.

I don't know maybe you should have planned this a little better.

[sigh] We'll figure it out. - How?

Fix it in post.

[Gordon] All right everyone, we're gonna get this going. let's go. And keep it in focus this time.

And action.

So it appears we are evenly matched Agent Double O 592 dash 3 and a quarter.

[slow motion sound]

[keyboard type sound]

Well, what do you guys think?

So what's this for?

It's not for anything.

[Guy with glasses] Then why do we watch it?

[Gordon] It's an independent film.

[Tina] Because it's the one.

The one what?

I didn't say it was the one.

[Tina] Yeah actually you did. You said this is the one. This is the one that's gonna make it.

[Gordon] I said it had a chance.

[Guy with beard] Chance for what?

[Gordon] Nothing. Sorry even showed to you guys.

[Girl in black] Why does everyone know how to fight?

[Gordon] It's a movie?

[Girl in black] Is everybody a Kung Fu expert?

[Guy with beard] No, just the other guy. The thugs got knocked out right away.

[Girl in black] Still.

[Gordon] He a cop. He's trained how to fight.

[Girl in yellow] I thought he was a agent?

[Gordon] He's an agent and a cop. Okay?

[Guy with beard] He can't be both Gordon.

[Girl in yellow] Yeah I didn't get that.

[Gordon] You guys seen one scene of the entire movie. You have to watch the whole movie to get it.

[Girl in yellow] Did you hear that guys accent?

[Guy with beard] What about the gangsters? Who taught them? They were terrible.

[Gordon] The streets, the streets taught them okay. They're hardened criminals.

[Girl in yellow] If they're such hardened criminals why don't they just go ahead and shoot him.

[Guy with beard] Where did the agent come from?

[Girl in black] I would just take that scene out it's too violent.

[Tina] It's an action movie it's supposed to be violence.

[Guy with beard] It's not violent. There wasn't even any blood.

[Guy with glasses] Yeah. Hey there wasn't even any blood.

[Girl in black] I saw one little spot of blood at the end.

[burp]

[Guy with beard] I saw a fight once,

BAMN!!!

One punch Gordon. That's how it's done. That's how you should do it.

None of this, kung fu shit.

[Guy with beard] Or put me in it, people might actually watch it.

[bag drop]

[cell phone rings]

[cell phone rings]

Yeah?

[Gordon] Hey, I found a celebrity we can get for our film.

- Okay.

[Gordon] Where are you?

- I'm at work.

[Gordon] Well get over here. I'm at the candy company around the corner.

- I'm working!

[Gordon] He's here now. Get over here. Do not blow this for us.

[phone hanged up]

[door]

What are you doing?

I came here before work to get some candy and I saw him.

[Ian] Who did you think that is?

[Gordon] Who do you think that is?

Well what makes you think that's him?

- Who else could it be?

So what you're just gonna ask him to be in the movie?

- Why not?

You read all the article. The only way you can get distribution or in film festivals is to have star power.

There he is. Let's go get him. Come on.

And let me do all the talking.

[Jerry] Yeah?

- Ahh. Hi.

Umm, ha.

Uhmmm.

[Jerry] Nice to meet you.

[nervous laughter]

[Gordon] Thank you. Thank you. Ummm.

[Ian] Oh God.

Um sorry about my friend. Big fan, love the show. Quality TV.

- Thank you very much and nice outfit.

- Oh thanks. Ah so anyway we're making a movie and I...

- I'm, I'm just trying to do little shopping quickly for my grandson I want to pick up some candy I, I...

[Ian] Sure. [Jerry] just like to go out and be able to...

- Yeah I understand. Ahh so we're making a movie and I was just wondering if you would like to be in it?

[Gordon quietly] I wrote it.

[Ian] Right, okay so we've actually won some awards for our films.

[Jerry] Oh wonderful. Ah Congratulations.

[Jerry] Yeah and good luck... [Gordon] I wrote it. [Jerry] Good luck to you.

[Jerry] Oh, well then, yeah...

[Customer] Is that Jerry Springer?

[Customer] Jerry Springer!

[Customer] Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

[Gordon] God is that frustrating. Totally had him.

I could see it in his eyes. I totally had him. That's what kills me.

That I totally had him. I had him.

But no that idiot had to show up and do

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

Frickin moron.

[Amy's Mom] ...and the fact that this man has already been married twice before.

[Amy's Mom] I just can't believe Pastor Paul would actually consider performing the marriage ceremony.

Hmm.

[Amy's Mom] So Amy, does that boyfriend of yours still work at that awful little restaurant?

[Amy] Umm well, yeah...

[Ian] You know, I'm right here and yes,

[Ian] I still work in Oinkers.

[Amy's Mom] Oh.

Yes.

Well, my maid said she thought she saw you working at the restaurant.

- Well I worked there 30 hours a week. So if she comes in the chance to see me are pretty good.

[Amy's Mom] And how long have you worked there?

- Uh two years.

- In what position?

- Cashier.

- Ah, so you have worked for fast-food establishment

for about two years and you still haven't moved up to management.

That speaks volumes doesn't it?

- Oh, I doesn't wanna be manager there so.

[Amy's Mom] Oh, no ambition. How sad.

[Amy] You know Ian and da... and Gordon just started a new film, the other day.

[Amy's Dad] A movie. [Amy] Yeah.

[Amy's Dad] That's exciting. [Ian] Yeah. [Amy's Dad] What is it about?

[Ian] It's about this agent who stumble upon the secret formula that the Russians...

[Amy's Mom clears her throat] [Ian] are keeping from...

Excuse me.

[Amy] Well so anyway he he really he just works at Oinkers to pay the bills.

Well he does all these other things.

- Is that a new tattoo I see?

[Amy's Mom] [discuss groan] Really? I wish you wouldn't.

[Amy] I know mom.

[Amy's Mom] Oh, on a brighter note I saw Adam Remington last week.

Looks like he's doing very well for himself.

- Mother. Please.

[Amy's Mom] What? I was just telling you about an old friend that I saw. That's all.

- Does he still have that grotesque wart on his neck?

[Ian & Amy's Dad laughs] [Ian] With all that hair. You know what I'm talking you'll seen it right? Oh my God.

[Amy] Ian. [Ian] I'm just saying that thing is nasty.

- You are not helping.

- He needs to find a chipmunk to gnaw that thing off.

[Amy's Dad laughs] [Amy] Stop it. [Ian] It might take two.

[Amy] Shut up.

[Amy's Mom] Ian. How much money do you make on your films?

- None yet, but plan to change that.

- Oh. So it's just a hobby, then.

[Amy's Mom] Did you hear that darling? It's just a little hobby.

[Ian] Yes.

It's just a hobby just like your...

drinking problem.

Excuse me.

Oh.

Ian, without making any money on your movies. How do you propose to support my daughter?

You know, this is actually uh quite good. And I know that you didn't make it so

compliments to the chef.

[Amy's Dad laughs]

Young man I'd like you to leave.

- Can I take this with me?

- No.

[Amy's Mom] The door there, use it.

[Ian] Mmmm.

I like your little arm pictures, honey.

Thanks daddy.

[Ian] Come on hun.

[Amy's Dad] Get a chipmunk. [chuckling]

I like that guy.

[uncomfortable silence]

[Amy sighs]

[phone rings]

[phone rings]

Hello.

[Gordon] Hey get over here.

Uh alright I mean I'm kind of busy right now, can I come by in the morning?

[Gordon] Well, I guess so. Make sure to come by early.

Alright.

[garage door opens]

[sigh]

There was an auction.

I got them really cheap.

There's this film company and they're going out of business. They're like giving these things away.

It was an investment!

Well whatever you do, don't tell Tina.

[Gordon] I have to tell her. [Ian] Noooo.

No you don't. Just, sell them as fast as you can and don't, ever have her find out.

She does the bills man. She's gonna know.

Well, good luck with your divorce then.

[evil laugh]

[Daughter] Okay, so I talked to my friend Cindy and she is definitely on board of doing this music video.

[Tina] Can you pass the potatoes.

[Daughter] And theres this boy in our class and we're trying to convince him to do it too.

He's the cutest boy in my class daddy.

[Gordon] What did you do differently with these potatoes? They're delicious.

[Daughter] Angela said that we'd never be able to do this, but I told her you said we could.

[Tina] I made them the same as always.

[Gordon] Wel... [Daughter] You said we could right daddy?

Well you did something differently because these are great.They're divine.

- Right dad?

[Tina] Ahh, my ice is melted sure could use a refresher.

[Gordon] Oh, I'll get it for you hun.

[Daughter] Dad?

[Tina] Hay, can I get some lemon in that?

[Daughter] He said we can do the music video, right? [Gordon] Sure thing. [Tina] We're not doing a music video.

- Why not?

- Because we don't have any money for a music video.

- That's not fair.

[Tina] Sorry. [Daughter] Dad.

[Gordon] What?

[Daughter] You said... [Gordon] whatever your mother saids.

[Daughter sighs]

Okay, what did you do?

I just went and got you a glass of water.

Gordon you did something. Tell me.

- Tell you what? There's nothing to tell you.

- Tell me.

- If there was something to tell you, I would tell you. But there's nothing to tell you so I won't.

- You cheated on me didn't you?

- [nervous laugh] What? No, a course I didn't cheat on you. Where would you get that?

[Tina] Just tell me the truth and we'll work it out.

[Hits the table]

No I'm not gonna let it end like this.

[Gordon] Look I didn't cheat on you okay. [Son] No, no, no, no...

[Gordon] Actually what I did was a good thing.

So you did do something.

[Tina] Knew it.

[Tina] Okay spill.

Alright.

Yes?

Well, you'll be happy to know, that I found a way to finance our film without costing us a penny.

How much did you spend?

[Gordon] Not spend, invest.

[Daughter] Just like my music video. It's an investment.

[Tina] Okay Gordon, how much did you invest?

Well, I think you're gonna freak out a little bit at first. But once you realize that this will actually make money.

I think you'll be happy.

How much?

Ten.

Ten what?

Thousand.

Ten thousand dollars?!

- Look, I'll make it back and I'll make five times that.

Trust me.

[Daughter hits table] That's my money!

Kids go to your rooms.

Oh no no no. They can stay here and finish their dinner.

GO NOW!

Daddy loves you.

[Son laughs] Good luck.

Where did you get ten thousand dollars?

Look I went to an auction I spent $250 a piece on these lights.

There's studio lights there 15 hundred dollars a piece easy on eBay.

[Tina] Gordon.

Where did you get that money?

[Gordon exhales]

[sounds from the movie on the laptop]

[door knocking]

[Ian] Hey. [Gordon] Hey.

What are you working on?

Oh no no no no no no.

[Ian] Get it out of here Gordon get it out.

[Gordon] Come on dude.

[Ian] No Amy will freak. [Gordon] Amy doesn't even have to know.

[Ian smirks] [Gordon] Look this is just temporary.

It'll blow over in a couple of days.

- The hell it will. Stay at a hotel.

- I can't afford a hotel I'm broke the lights remember.

- I remember you being stupid.

- Oh, so now it's stupid to try and finance one of our films huh?

Temporary right?

[Gordon] Absolutely.

I'll have those lights sold in a couple of weeks.

Weeks?

Get out.

Look, I can go back home as soon as I pay back the kids.

- Pay back the kids?

- Well yeah, I use their college money to buy the lights.

You what?

You raided your kids college funds to buy those light?

Invest.

Invest. Why doesn't anybody understand the concept of investing?

You buy the lights, you sell the lights, for a profit.

How you got Tina to say I do is beyond me

I'll get it back. Those lights were like a hundred bucks

a piece. I can easily sell them for 3,000.

It's a no-brainer.

Yeah sure.

Anyway don't worry about it those lights will be gone in a month.

Amy gets back on Monday so you have till then.

No problem.

[Ian] And stop eating on my food.

Why you being so stingy?

[computer playing the movie]

Ah ha, this scene.

You know what I was thinking?

Maybe we should take out all this kung fu shit, and just do one punch.

Get out.

[squeegee sounds]

House guarding again?

It's not a bad gig. You don't have to go out and fight fires and you still get paid the same.

[Carl] Cookie?

No thanks.

You like me coming in here and there's nothing to clean.

- [sighs] Yeah something like that.

So hows the film coming?

[Gordon] Slow.

Well I hope it's was better in your last one.

Yeah me too.

You know what your problem is?

[Gordon] Lighten me.

You.

[sigh] Really?

We're all our own problem.

[Carl] I know what you're thinking. Carl, where did you get this from? This insight this wisdom.

Yeah that's what I was thinking.

[Carl] You're a janitor you have a lot of time to think.

You see a lot of people's garbage.

See what I'm saying?

- Not really.

- Let me explain. Look at me.

[Carl] Look at me!

[Gordon sighs]

What do you see?

I don't know janitor?

Right! And why do you see a janitor?

Cuz you look like a janitor?

I look like a janitor because I dress like a janitor.

[Carl] When you make your films Gordon what do you wear?

I wear whatever.

That's the problem. It's all in the presentation.

[Carl] Hmm hmm.

[Carl] If I came in you're wearing a suit? Would you expect me to be eating this Cookie?

To be honest I don't expect you eat the cookie when you're dressed like a janitor.

- Right!

- Right what?

[Carl] The point I'm trying to make is,

if you dress like a filmmaker people will believe you're a filmmaker.

I believe you're a filmmaker.

You think? - I know.

[Carl coughs]

The world is your stage.

[Carl] Dress the part.

[chewing]

[Carl] Dress the part.

[music] [A Letter To Myself by Elijah Thao]

[music lyrics] (Yea,)

(never let no one bring you down)

(when you fall you get up)

(listen to my words)

(and don't forget to stay strong) [music fades out]

[Gordon] Alright get in there let him know that we're here.

[Ian] Alright, do you need a hand with anything? [Gordon] No, that's what we got these guys for.

Come on come on.

[Gordon] Get the lights [Jeff] I'm getting them.

[Gordon] Be careful and don't break them. They're expensive.

[speaking in Mandarin]

[speaking in Mandarin]

Hi, how may I help you?

- Uh yeah, I spoke to you a few weeks ago about filming here today.

- Oh no you never come back to me.

- I just thought that we agreed it was okay.

- No you promised, me daughter, in movie.

- Yeah we're gonna put her in the movie.

- Oh ok. No, you come back another time. I'm busy.

[Ian] No, we're supposed to film today. We're here, we're ready to go, we're gonna have your daughter play the waitress.

- Me daughter, big part. Star of movie.

- Star?

[confused laugh]

[Ian] Eh. Well can I talk to her? Where is she?

She over seas.

[Ming] I let her know,

big part,

she comes back quick.

- So she's not even here?

[Ming] You never call me back. [Gordon talking in the background]

[Gordon] Watch out for those lights.

Woh. What is thats?

You come another time.

[Ming speaking in Mandarin]

[Ming speaking in Mandarin to Jeff]

I don't understand.

No film!

[Ming] You come back another time. [Jeff] I don't...

[Gordon] No no no no. Hang on a second. We're supposed to be here today. We're filming an independent film.

[Ming] No film. I told him no film. This is my restaurant,

my business, not for film.

[Gordon] But he said we could film here today.

Well look Ming, you don't even have any customers. Can we just shoot this real quick? And then we'll be out of here.

[Ming] No. You promised me, my daughter,

big part, movie star.

Yeah I said I'll put her in the movie.

No! I call cops!

[Ming] You go go go lets go go...

[Ming yelling in Mandarin and English]

[Ming] You go or I call cops. You go you go you go.

[Ian] Hey does your uncle still own that one restaurant?

[Ian] Oh it did. Okay. Alright oh thanks.

[Ian] Alright bye. [Gordon] Anything?

[Ian] Working on it.

[Gordon] Well work a little harder, cuz we got all these people here and we got to get this done today.

Hey Jeff it's me. Yeah hey I was wondering do you know anybody that owns a restaurant? Who might let us film there today?

Uh-huh. No no no, that might actually work. Okay,

let me get back to you. Alright.

Okay, so Jeff the guy who's playing Latimere.

He works at this hotel and he said we can use the breakfast area if we want.

That should work. -Yeah. -Yeah. -Okay.

[Gordon] What about the waitress? Who's gonna play the waitress?

Do we really need the waitress?

- Well yeah!

I'll find somebody.

- Oh you'll find somebody.

- Well, or you can. I don't care. - Well somebody's gonna find somebody.

- Well hang on, we can't film until later tonight though.

- Why!? - We got to wait for his boss to leave.

- What time is that gonna be? - I don't know?

Later.

[Gordon exhales]

Alright genius, what are we gonna do in the meantime?

[fight music]

[music stops]

Alright. How was that?

As good as it's gonna get I guess.

Okay, well what was wrong with it?

[Gordon] I don't know you tell me Ian, your the fight expert.

Well I can't see the monitor Gordon. So there's something I miss you'll have to let me know.

[Gordon] Alright, well for starters why would we be fighting in a playground?

What cop would be fighting bad guys in a playground?

[Gordon] You tell me that freakin ridiculous. [Ian] We talked about this, we like the layout.

No, you like the layout you made the decision. I just had to go along with it.

[Gordon] I didn't like it from the beginning and I told you that but we had to do it our way.

[Gordon] So here we are we did it in the playground and I hate it.

[Gordon] What about this guy up in the tower? How stupid was that?

Guy sticks his face out and gets punched. Sticks his face out again and gets kick. What is he a whack-a-mole?

- Its supposed to be funny. He's supposed to get up looking disoriented and I punch him in the face.

[Gordon] Well it wasn't funny and he didn't look disoriented. It was stupid.

- How did I do? - You're fine.

Look if he'll didn't look disorientated you should have told me. We could have fixed it.

Because this is your thing not mine Ian.

Well then what are you doing here?

He's got a point.

I thought it look good.

[Jeff] So why is that light setup?

[uncomfortable silence]

[Ian] Thanks again for letting us shoot here on short notice. I really appreciate it.

[Latimere] Yeah how many people are coming? [Ian] Hey guys we're right up over there.

[Todd] ...send up to your room. [Ian] Yeah we got like two more.

- How long is it gonna be? - I'll be like five hours. - Five hours?

[Latimere] I thought it'd be like one, tops. [Todd] I'm sorry I'll call you right back.

Dude, it takes like an hour just to set up.

[Todd] Jeff.

[Todd] Excuse me sir. Jeff.

Five hours? We got a business to run here. You guys gonna have to leave.

- This is Todd, he works here with me. - Oh hey.

- Hey. Listen. This commotion here,

it's probably gonna disturb the guests and it's my job to anticipate

the needs of my guests. So you guys are gonna have to clear out.

Well we just got here so.

That may be but... listen.... What are you even doing here?

Oh well we're shooting an independent film.

[Todd wheezing sounds]

[Todd] Seriously? Like like a movie? [Ian] Right.

[Todd] Like independent actors? Like unknown actors? And...,

oh my god that's so cool. I used to do some acting myself.

Yeah back in uh, back in high school... - Well you know what? We are always looking for new hot young talent so...

[Todd laughs] I don't know about young but...

But no uh hey, there's actually a part of this movie that be perfect for you.

[Todd laughs]

[Todd] Seriously? [Ian] Yeah. - Are you... - Yeah.

No listen... I thank yo... I... Wait..

I mean. I'll tell you what, let's do this.

Let's make some movies. Hollywood right?

- Yeah. - Yeah rock on. - The thing is if we don't shoot this scene today,

we may have to scrap this entire project so... - You know what? Listen, listen.

Forget what I said. I'm not even here.

You guys take as much time as you need.

I'll go handle the guests. Now if they complain or anything I got your back.

Like there gonna complain. And which... you're serious right?

- Yeah, absolutely. - Alright, cool. Yep.

[Todd claps his hands] Awesome let's do this.

Rock & roll. Hollywood. Yeah.

- Hollywood. - Alright. - Go go go.

- We'll be... Okay. - Okay - Cool. - I'll will call you. - Love you man.

- Love you too. - That's excellent. Thank you. [Ian sighs]

Ha ha ha ha. You put him in the movie.

Hollywood! Yeah!

I had to do something man. I gotta get the scene done.

[Todd yelling and cheering]

You can't put him in a movie. If you put him in a movie, don't put him into any scene with me.

I have to work 8 hours a day with that guy. He drives me nuts.

Okay.

[grunts]

[classic music]

You always get location waivers signed.

- You would have never filmed at that dumpy playground.

- You're the best director ever.

[all 4 ahhh]

[music stops]

What are you doing? Why aren't you helping?

I'm visualizing shots.

[Gordon] What are you doing?

[Jeff exhales] I'm trying to figure out how to do both sound a camera at the same time.

- Why are you doing sound and camera? Where's Habib?

- Oh he bailed.

- Why did he bail?

- You where being mean to him. [Gordon scoffs]

[Ian sighs]

Everything good?

Oh yeah thanks.

Did you end up filming the other scene this afternoon?

- Uh yeah actually we did.

- How'd it go?

As good as it's gonna get I guess.

Mmm what does that mean?

- It means I suck at fight scenes apparently.

What is Gordon doing?

Oh heah, yeah.

He a started visualizing shots today.

First time ever.

That or his fat fingers are glue to his fat face, and they can't figure out how to get it off.

I thought you guys were friends?

Yeah we're friends.

He's a lot older than you.

- Oh no I'm just that much younger looking.

[Stephanie chuckles] You know maybe he doesn't use lotion.

- No he lotions, just not where he should.

What!?

Nothing just go back to visualizing your shots.

You sure you guys are friends?

Yeah.

Yeah, I know we're friends. Actually Gordon is the one that got me into filmmaking.

I mean I was making my own films just before I met him.

But then he bought like this really nice camera. At the time it was nice, it's crap now.

I know, yeah he showed me how to be a little more professional and stuff.

Not that, he's professional. He struggles.

[Ian laughs]

But yeah, I don't know it works.

I guess.

[Gordon chuckles]

So glad I worked that in. It's hilarious.

[Ian sighs]

Dude I'm spend.

[Gordon mimicking Ming] Promised daughter big part.

Dude, how many times do I have to tell you? Always, always! Get a location waiver signed.

[Katherine] Brave new world.

Brave new world, restaurant.

[Gordon chuckles]

Hey, isn't it that chick who auditioned for us and did Shakespeare?

[Gordon laughing] [Ian] Yeah that's Katherine.

I wonder what she's doing here.

- Oh she's our waitress. - What?

[Katherine reading the script] [Gordon] You can't make her the waitress.

You wanted me to get somebody. That's the only person I could find last minute.

Look at her.

[Katherine] Nothing's too good, for our,

guests.

Who's gonna believe that she would be hired as a waitress anywhere?

You don't even need to show her face just have her put the food on and walk away.

[Gordon sighs]

What about the line? She can't deliver that line.

- What line? - The line that I wrote it's funny.

[Ian laughs] It's not.

You don't even need that line I told you to take it out anyway.

- That line is crucial. It stays!

[Katherine] Fresh sea food everyday.

[Gordon] Alright quiet on the set. Places everyone. Places.

Alright, camera rolling.

Make sure it's in focus.

And action!

[Ian] I don't trust Latimere. I feel like he's working with the North Koreans.

- He would never do that.

- You don't know this man like I do.

He's very dangerous. Especially when he works for the Asians.

Mmm. What do we do?

[Katherine] Good evening.

I'm, Kimmy, your server.

Welcome to brave new world restaurant.

Where a great decor, a gorgeous view,

and an innovative menu.

Featured, lot-lots and lots of, fresh seafood.

[Gordon sighs] Cu... Cut.

Cut. Cut!

[Ian laughs]

[Gordon] Katherine, what are you doing?

- Oh what do you mean?

- Those aren't the lines.

- Well I was improvising. - Well don't improvise.

- I I'v I've been taking a class and acting after you, and they told us, you know, bring our A-Game,

get those characters make them alive. Bring, - Just, - bring ourselves. - just,

just don't improvise. Okay. Don't improvise.

- Well, I just thought,

that maybe, you'd consider, changing the script,

to fit my personality better.

Well we're not gonna do that.

[Ian & Stephanie laughs]

Why are you laughing? - I'm not.

- Yes you are, this is very serious to me.

[Ian laughs]

[Gordon sighs]

[Katherine] What was I doing?

- Alright everybody from the top. As written please.

[Katherine] Oh. [Ian smirks]

You didn't break anything, did you? - No... - Good, you better not have.

Where Ian? - Last I saw he was walking Stephanie to her car.

[Gordon sighs]

Finished packing I'll be right back.

[Ian] Sorry that things could all change it around today.

I know we had you coming and going. So... We're usually a little more organized... Well,

I'm a little more organized. So I appreciate you not quitting on us.

- Oh no this is a great opportunity.

I'm happy to be here.

I am kind of nervous about that fight scene coming up though.

- Naw, I don't worry about that. I'll make sure it looks good.

Well do you think you have time to go over it with me?

[Gordon] Hey!

Cars packed up, I'm hungry, let's go!

Will you just relax?

[Stephanie] Okay, I'm gonna go.

- Well hey, um if you really want to get together I'm sure we can find some time.

- Yeah that'd be great.

Oh my god! - Go wait in the car.

[Stephanie] Okay. [Ian] Here, let me get that for you.

[Ian] Good job today. [Stephanie] Yeah thanks. - Alright, we'll see you soon.

[Ian What ]are you doing!? - What are you doing? Aren't you gonna tell her about Amy?

- Why?

- It's pretty clear she likes you dude.

- Well then I'm not gonna tell her about Amy.

You know, for the sake of the movie.

[Gordon sighs] Just don't let this whole thing erupt and blow up in your face.

- Me erupt? Your the one with anger issues.

- I don't have anger issues.

My God. I can't believe you said that.

[fire truck sonds]

[near by Firefighters talking to each other]

Hey Gordon.

Won't you come with me. We need to have a chat.

[fire truck engine is running]

[fire truck engine sound covers the conversation]

[phone cracks]

[beep]

[beep beep]

[beep beep beep beep]

Is all this really necessary?

- Yeah, I always use protection.

- Mmm very funny.

- Why is that funny? I just don't want you to get hurt.

[both laugh]

[Stephanie] Do you hurt a lot of girls?

No, not usually I'd say I'm the one that usually gets hurt.

Can you get this tag off? - Oh no no no no no. No,

I have to actually return these afterwards. This shit is expensive.

[both laugh]

[girl in dream] Mr. Edwards. What do you think about this title?

- Hmm. Change it. Change it to spaceman from Pluto.

- That's genius. - It's what I do.

That's the future of the this industry.

[Son] Dad! - He defines it. [Son] Dad!

[Tina] It wasn't supposed to be like this. [Son] You're the worst father ever made.

[Daughter] I can't believe you spent my money.

[Daughter] I hate you. (evil laugh) You suck.

[Son evil laugh] [Daughter] You failed as a father. [baby crying]

[clock ticking] [Ian] You raided your kids college funds to buy those lights.

[dog barking] [Tina] You want to film something. Film this.

[Daughter] I hate you.

[cat screams]

[Gordon screams]

[cat hisses]

Alright that's it. Ow, ow.

Oww! [cat screams]

You stay here I'm going in there. [cat growl]

[cat hiss]

Wa-ahhh.

[Amy] Mmm yeah. [Collin] Oh I'm ready for it. Come on.

[Amy] Yeah. Come here. [Collin moaning] [Amy] Ah no no no in in here.

[Collin] Oh in the kitchen, [Amy] Oh come on. [Collin] it's hot. Oh baby, we can do it on the stove.

[Amy] No the last time we did that we almost set my hair on fire. Come on.

[Collin] It's going be hot in here too. [Amy] Get in here. [Collin] It's going be hot in here too.

[Amy] Yep. [Collin] Come on.

[Amy] Come on. [Collin] Come on, lite my fire.

[Amy] Let's do it.

[moaning]

[Collin] Ride it cowgirl

[moaning]

[Ian] Ok, the difference between stage fighting and real fighting is that everything is exaggerated.

- Uh-huh. - Makes sense? - Yeah.

- [Ian chuckles] Just relax relax relax, ok. So no real fight,

I'd grab on to you, and then get real close,

and then do the one-inch punch.

- One-inch huh?

- The punch, the punch is one inch.

And you want the audience to see everything.

So you have to do the full extension.

Alright let's see what you got.

Ian?

Are you okay?

[Collin] Ho ho. Ride it like a Harley baby. Rev it up, rev it up. Come on.

[Collin making motorcycle sounds] [both laughing]

[Collin screams]

[Amy] Why?... Does it... Big.

[Amy] Damn it.

[Gordon] Hi Amy.

[Collin] I, I swear man, I didn't know she had a boyfriend.

- This is not Ian, Collin.

Colon? His name is Colon?

[Collin] It's Collin. [Amy] Gordon, what in the hell are you doing here?

- Me? What the hell are you doing here?

[Amy stuttering]

This is not what it looks like.

[Collin] Guitar! She giving me guitar lessons. [Amy] Yes.

I'm going be a rockstar.

[Collin exhales]

[Stephanie] Are you sure you're okay? [Ian] yeah yeah I'm fine.

- Oh I just feel really bad for hitting you.

I honestly thought that actors hit each other, when they're filming fight scenes.

- My god I wouldn't have a face left if that was the case.

- I'm really sorry I hit you so hard.

[Ian imitating Rocky Balboa] It ain't about how hard you hit.

It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.

How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done.

[Stephanie while laughing] What was that?

[Ian] What? [Ian imitating Rocky Balboa] You mean Rocky?

- What's Rocky?

[Ian] You know Rocky Balboa.

[Ian imitating Rocky Balboa] Yo Adrian! Adrian!

- I don't know what that is.

[Ian imitating Schwarzenegger] Well do you know this guy is?

He'll terminate you. Because you don't know who Rocky Balboa is. And you want to be an actress.

[Ian laughs]

- Well I can do impressions too.

[Ian imitating Jim Carrey] Re-he-he-hee-hee-hee...heally?

All-righty then. Show me what you got.

[Stephanie] Kay.

[Stephanie imitating When Harry Met Sally] Mmm.

Oh God. Oh yes.

[moaning] Yeah.

Mmm.

Oh yes, just like that.

Yeah.

Oh yes.

Yeah uh!

Uh!... [Ian] Ok ok ok ok. Alright that... I think that's, that's enough.

- When Harry Met Sally. - No I'm familiar where it's from.

It's not really an impression, it's just that fake orgasm.

Which I don't recommend doing in public.

- Well if you like, you can come back to my house, and I'll show you in private.

[Ian imitating Rocky Balboa] I don't know you know I mean...

As much as I'd like to move this forward I just uh, I...

[Ian talking normally] I just can't right now.

Yeah because of the film, and you just want to finish it...

- Right yeah the-the film. - Concentrate on. Yeah.

- You know, but when it's done,

we can... - Okay.

Yeah I understand. - Cool.

[Ian imitating Rocky Balboa] You know but if you want I'll play a game of Adrian with you. A game of Apollo whatever you know.

I don't know. You know.

I don't know.

[Amy] Look I'll call you. [Collin] I love you. [Amy] Hmm mmm.

[Gordon] See ya Colon.

[Amy] Now go.

[Amy] Yep. Good night Collin.

[Amy] Aha.

[Amy sighs]

What are you doing? - You can't tell him.

- Oh I'm telling him. - No Gordon, you don't understand.

- What to understand? You're with Ian and you're messing around on him with another guy.

- No look it's like... All he ever thinks about are your guys's films

I mean if I'm not a part of the production it's like I don't even exist.

- I'm telling him.

- If you tell him,

I guarantee that you guys will never finish this stupid movie.

I'll make sure that.

[Pete] So uh so what was your biggest challenge making this movie?

[Ian] Well I think that the biggest thing that we've learned over the years is you have to keep your personal life

out of the filmmaking process. - Yeah and you also, you know there's a lot of sacrifices

that you have to be willing to make. That most people probably aren't willing to make.

But, I know I'm willing to make'em. You know whatever it takes to get it done.

[door unlock]

[door opens and shuts]

[foot steps]

[Ian exhales]

Amy.

Your home early.

How was your uhm, business trip?

Everything okay?

Everything's fine.

I was just having Gordon stay here just for a couple days. Hope you're not mad.

[Amy takes a deep breath & exhales]

Now why would I be mad?

[Ian nervously laughing] I don't know? Why would you be mad?

I just... uhm You're never mad?

I thought you weren't gonna be home until Monday?

[door slams]

What happened?

She came in, she saw me, I explained what happened, you came home.

Where you been anyway?

How many lights you sell today?

[Gordon sighs]

Yeah, get on it Gordon.

[Latimere (Russian accent)] Thank you for a super secret than meeting with me Agent Double O 592 dash 3 and a quarter.

Cannot let this microfilm fall into the hands of the North Koreans.

Whats on the microfilm?

- Secret formula, evaporates oil. Russia will become number one oil producer of the world.

Here, try, Russian vodka best in world.

Not thirsty?

I'm more of a gin drinker.

Gin? Gin is poison.

So is this.

Don't you trust me?

нет

- Ha good.

Never trust a Russian or a North Korean.

Long have I dreamed of the day I could help my country become great again...

Man this scene is just awesome.

I don't know. Don't you think his accent is a bit much?

It seems little phony. - He's your friend.

Anyway, I think it moves the story along nicely.

Yeah sure.

You going put music in?

Ah you know I'm still editing so.

- But you're gonna put music in right? - Yeah.

- What song are you gonna put in? - I don't know I'm not that far yet.

I think if you put some music in it would just be like [French accent] Beauty.

Put some music in.

[Ian sighs] Alright.

There. Theres your music.

[Latimere (Russian accent)] Ha good. Never trust a Russian or a North Korean.

[silly piano music playing]

Ah, You're not putting this one in are you? Hey where are you going?

Look I gotta go to work.

Well you can't leave it like this.

I'll fix it when I get home.

Ian. Ian!

Come on man!

[Latimere (Russian accent)] ...Russia again will become

the supreme superpower!

[silly piano music ends]

[kids screaming]

[Oinkers commercial playing] [parent yelling] [kids screaming]

[Dad] This is the last time we're coming here.

[child #3] I didn't even get a toy.

[child #1] This place sucks.

[child #3] This place super sucks.

[Dad] I believe you guys this is ridiculous.

Thanks for coming.

[Mr. Hogskin (Oinkers commercial)] Oh I'll tell them.

At Oinkers you get a choice of 10 pig-licious entrees.

The Razor Baconator.

Hey my brother huh. Haha.

So did you think about it?

- Look Sanchez I told you I don't have a part to give.

- Look I know what you mean. It doesn't I have to be a big part just a small part that's it.

I just need wonderful 2 minutes to shine. Because I am number one Latino actor in the world. Huh.

Undiscovered... [spray bottle sprays] - Ahhh [coughs] - I'm, I'm Sorry.

- Oh my god come on. Sanchez, alright I'll give you a part. Okay.

- You do that for me? - Yes.

- You do that for me? - Yes. Look what I'm gonna do for you.

You no more working in Oinkers.

You go work on your film.

I do the dirty work.

Falls on to me, because now is my time.

[speaking in Spanish]

Okay so you are aware that I hear that excuse like literally everyday.

My god pull yourself together stop crying geez. Ian buddy pal you are on delivery tonight.

- What? Why? - Well because Steve just call them apparently is grandmother's dying or some bullshit. Whatever.

- I don't deliveries. - Okay yes you do. And you know why because I said so.

And don't forget to wear every single piece of the required delivery uniform at all times.

Because I will be checking the dash cam and I will know if you've removed something.

The dash cam?

[paper towel roller]

[scooter motor running]

[girls giggling and laughing]

Oh my god you have to see this hold on.

[camera clicking multiple times]

[car horn honking]

[motor fighting]

[Ian grunting]

[motor stops]

[knocking]

It's about time.

- Hey.

- Put it on.

- Come on man. - You got to put it on where it's free, right?

Haha. Alright well do it.

Thanks for choosing Oinkers... - You got to sing it.

[Ian singing] Thanks for choosing Oinkers where you're allowed to be a pig.

Oink oink.

[Collin laughing]

That's why I order from you guys.

So uh what's the van damage chief?

- 19.50.

You got change for a 20?

Amy?

[music playing]

It's not me it's you.

- And I can't even trust you to keep my goldfish alive, how do I expect you to take care of me?

- You spend way too much time on your films.

- I met someone else and she's much better.

- You didn't tell me I was gonna get dirty.

[Ian] AAhhhh.

[music pause]

[slow upbeat music]

[Ian] Maybe I should just give up dating.

[Gordon] Hang in there dude the right girl come along.

- Is this the real life or is this just fantasy...

[Gordon] I think she likes you dude.

[music stops] I don't see it

[fast upbeat music]

[both laughing]

[music change]

[Gordon] How are you and Amy?

You know I just wish for a change or as passionate about me as you worry about your stupid filming.

- You think this is easy for me I'm just trying to be somebody.

- God Ian you're such a selfish prick.

[Amy's mom] He is absolutely no good for you. He makes movies. Ah movies that don't make money. I would dump him.

[Ian] Sometimes I feel like we'll never work out our differences.

[finger snapping] [music stops]

[Collin] Hello, hey buddy.

[Collin] Hay what the hell was that? It was like you're in a trance or something.

We're through Amy.

Are you Ian?

[grunts in pain]

Hey where's my change?

[grunts]

[tire squeals]

[sighs]

First you put the fork in the washer and then you put it in the sanitizer

and then you put it in the dryer. How hard is that to understand Wade? Seriously.

Where the hell have you been? - Heres your key and your stupid pink costume.

- You are fired Ian.

- Oh you're gonna fire me? You're gonna fire

ME!!!

Pick this up.

Ian out.

Wade!

Pick this up.

[]

[music]

[punching]

[Stephanie] Stop hitting him.

- Wheres the secret formula? [speak in Spanish] doing my job.

[Todd (German accent)] We know you know.

- Hey be silent I will get the answer from him okay [speak in Spanish].

- Apparently you aren't aware of who is in charge here.

- I was thinking the same thing [speak in Spanish].

[Latimere (Russian accent)] Enough!

Bringing me closer.

Closer.

Right up to their stupid faces.

[speaking in Russian] my children fight less than you do.

Slap them for me. The German first he worked for me longer.

Good, now the Cuban.

Ha ha ha, he's funny.

- Ha that's what you get that's what you get evil bastard. [laughs]

- Take me to North Korean.

Chung I thought we had deal. - No we do we do Latimere you have me all wrong.

- Treachery! I cannot trust you. I will kill you last.

- Oh okay thank you Latimere thank you hahaha, hi.

- Now bring me to agent.

Let's get down to brass tacks show agent, the diamond.

[speaking in Spanish]

That is nice diamond.

You've outdone Latimere. Very impressive.

- You give me secret formula not only will I let you live, I will give you diamond.

- No diamonds is mine.

- Bring!

Take!

[speaking in Russian]

- Keep your diamond Natasha secret formula is not for sale.

[Natasha speaking in Russian]

Put me back in front of agents face.

For every minute you do not give me secret formula

I cut off finger, he cut off finger, somebody cut off finger.

- Yours or mine?

- What? Yours. Ahhh.

I like you I'll kill you last.

- What the hell I thought you were going kill me last.

- I lied what can I say that's what happens to Traitors! Dirty stinky traitors!

- I'm gonna remember this.

- Maybe I've been using the wrong method of persuasion.

Bring me to the girl.

- I swear to god Latimere if you hurt her.

- Stroke her hair. - Don't you touch her don't you touch her.

- Smell it.

[inhale]

Despair.

I'll smell that again later.

- You're sick man Latimere. Sick! All of Russia will know of this.

[laughs]

Cuban stop laughing.

[Ian] I swear I'm gonna to kill you all. You're all dead.

- Take me back to agents.

Closer.

Time to die. - I'll take a rain check.

Don't let him Escape. Stop shaking the screen.

[Sanchez] He's mine. [Todd] You killed the last spy. - And now I'm gonna kill you.

[bang bang]

Ahh screw this. I am on my way. Set me down.

Here I come.

It's time to get out of here. - How we do that?

- Ahhh. Like this.

- Ooooh

[Chung grunts]

Wow. So special.

[speaking in Russian]

- Wow Superwoman number one.

Okay.

[speaking in Spanish] [Spanish music playing]

[music stops]

[speaking in Spanish]

[Gordon] Cut!

What's the problem this time?

- It's just, I don't believe.

- Believe what? You wrote it. - The dialogues great, the action not so much.

Sanchez you really have to sell your punches. You have to make the audience believe that you're really hitting him.

- How I'm very close to his face you gotta tell me buno what do you mean?

- You have to bring your punches in closer.

- Dude he's close enough - I mean you have to barely miss him.

- It's not about that it's the position of the camera, you know that.

- I don't want to change the setup just bring it in closer. [Jeff] I can move the camera if it's not working.

- No don't move the camera it's a good angle. - How is it a good angle if it doesn't look real.

[Gordon grunts]

[Sanchez speaking in Spanish]

[sighs]

[Gordon] Like this.

[Ian yelling in pain]

[Ian] Come on man. What the hell?

[Sanchez yelling in Spanish]

[Gordon] Trying to finish the film guys just trying to finish film.

[Ian] You know ever since you put on this stupid Hollywood getup you been such a...

ass.

- Oh my stupid Hollywood get up, huh? - Yeah what is this anyway?

- Because I'm trying to look like a professional director, I'm dressing the part.

- Try acting the part. - Huh! Good advice for us all. Why don't you try acting professional on set?

- How I'm not acting professional Gordon? I was in LA.

- Ha, for two weeks.

- How I'm not be professional Gordon?

- Well we can start by not trying to get with every single actress that we hire.

- Hiring them implies that we pay them. This is just for fun. - It's not just fun for me!

- What do you want? - An opportunity. - For what?

- I don't know, we put it out there, we see what happens.

Gordon you know as well as I do the chances of this film or any film going anywhere, is like winning the lottery.

- Man you're pathetic no wonder Amy cheats on you.

- What? [Stephanie] Who's Amy?

- How did you know about Amy cheating on me? - All right everyone wrap it up, we're done for today.

- Gordon how did you know about Amy cheating on me?

- I caught him okay. - But you didn't tell me. - No I didn't want the film with suffer.

- You're such a selfish prick. - Oh really, I'm a selfish prick, I'm a selfish prick,

you didn't want to tell Stephanie about Amy for what reason again?

Oh yeah, cuz that's what you do.

[Stephanie] I think you're both selfish pricks and you disgust me.

I'm done good luck finishing your film.

- Stephanie don't go.

You happy now? - Not really but she's replaceable. Everybody's replaceable.

- Well then replace me too because I'm done. - Fine I can do it myself.

- Fine! - Fine! - Fine!

[Girl with clipboard] Oh my God.

- Fine!

Wait we're not getting paid? - You'll get an IMDB credit.

[thunder]

[rain]

[Tina] So what's going on at work direct deposit didn't go through?

- Is that all you care about is money?

I got suspended okay.

Gilly is trying to give me a kick in the ass.

[sighs]

But they told me all I have to do is lose a little weight and they'll take me back.

Hey! - You sell those lights yet?

- No, I didn't sell those lights yet. It's taking longer than I thought.

- Seriously Gordon what were you thinking? - Don't worry I'll pay it back.

- Yeah you'll pay it back I don't even know what possessed you to even touch the kids college money for when your films.

- Invest! Invest! - Ok whatever, but until you sell those light it's a spend.

You didn't even talk to me before you went up and bought those lights.

- Because he would have said no.

Please help me understand this passion.

Why do you go to such lengths to make these films? You don't even make any money doing them.

- Tina, I'm 45 years old. - And?

- I'm not getting any younger. I mean, all I've ever done is been a firefighter.

- What's wrong with being a firefighter? - [sighs] Nothing.

I mean I'm proud of what I do I save lives. But, at the end of the day just another face in the crowd.

- Integral but anonymous. - What?

- Important. - Huh.

I guess. But what,

what it really is, is that I got nothing that makes me stand out. No legacy, except my films.

I mean if I could just get distribution.

I know we'll never be a Scorsese or anything like that. But, I just want to be recognized for something.

- Your legacy are these two kids who miss you. I miss you.

[dial tone]

[Stephanie's voicemail] Hi this is Stephanie's machine you know what to do.

[Ian] Hey Stephanie its Ian um, I just wanted to let you know that I moved into my new place

and that you know Amy and I are done. I know that you were upset and that you walked off set. But you know a lot of people do that so.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that uh I forgive you and you should give me a call. Okay.

Hey Stephanie ah I don't know if you got my first message but uh I really would like to talk to you.

I'm at home just going through some stuff getting rid of a few things, so yeah call me.

[blowing sounds]

Hey Stephanie it's Ian I haven't heard back from you yet so I'm just gonna assume that you're busy and you haven't checked your messages, but um yeah call me back.

You know if you don't call me we can't work things out, so call me.

[singing] Call me. Don't be afraid to just, phone wha. Call me and I'll be around.

[spoken] Call me.

The fact that you're not answering leads me to believe A) You're not at home. B) Home, but don't want to talk to me.

or C) Home, desperately want to talk to me but trapped under something heavy.

It's from When Harry Met Sally. Call me.

[music starts Regret by Neil Cross]

[sighs]

[song lyrics] "Look at my life. Anyone can see. I've been my own worst enemy."

[phone vibrating] [music muffled]

[music stop]

[Jeff] Ian. [manager yelling at employees in the kitchen] [Jeff] What are you doing here?

- I need to talk to Stephanie okay. - You're really not supposed to be here. - I know, I'll make it quick.

[manager yelling at drive through window employees] [Jeff sighs]

Hey.

So you're working at Oinkers now huh. How come you quit your other job?

- I didn't quit. I got fired for calling in too much for your movie.

- Oh. - Will you excuse me I'm working.

- You know I've been trying to get a hold of you. - I know there's a reason I haven't been answering. - Okay.

Look I really don't have a lot of time I feel bad that I hurt you but I really didn't do anything wrong.

- Right except not tell me that you have a girlfriend. - I don't have a girlfriend.

- Well you did. [sighs]

[Wade] Hey Ian we still working on the movie? [Ian] Look I don't know man now not a good time. [Wade] Because if we are I got a whole bunch of ideas.

- Okay well email them to me okay. - Like you know how my guy he never talks,

we gotta give him a chainsaw. - Don't you got just something to do? - Not really.

We totally got give him a chainsaw. Because you know every single...[cup hits the floor] Whoa. - Here pick this up.

Okay I should have told you I had a girlfriend. I just didn't tell you because I like you.

- You like me? - Yeah. - But you lied to me.

- [sighs] I didn't exactly lie. I just... I just didn't, tell you anything.

- That's still lying. Because you intentionally led me on it was humiliating. - Well it wasn't... I didn't mean to...

Look I'm trying to apologize here.

[sighs] Look I don't know maybe I am a selfish prick

I've known for a while now that Amy and I weren't gonna work out. But I don't want to break up with her in the middle of the movie because,

I didn't want the drama.

You don't understand Stephanie, I've wanted to be an actor since I was a little boy.

The first time I saw Jackie Chan I wanted to be an action star in the big screen.

And I wasn't gonna let anything get in the way.

I just didn't know was gonna take over my life.

And yeah I've heard some people along the way and I'm not proud of it I didn't mean to hurt you.

[Wade] Hey about my idea... [Ian] And we're not doing the movie okay! And my God will you stop already! [Pig] What's your problem man?

[Pig] This isn't over man! Huh! Ahh ahh it hurts.

[Ian] I hate that pig.

[Stephanie] Look don't think that I don't understand what it's like to want to be an actor. This is my dream too.

- Yeah but your a theater actress it's different.

- ... - I mean it's the same.

- So you're really not gonna finish this movie? You're just gonna quit?

- Well you quit.

- Yeah well a lot of people volunteered their time to help you with this movie. So I'm back in.

- Well I'm not. - Don't be a jerk. - Oh I'm the jerk?

Gordon's the reason we're not finishing the movie. He knew the whole time that Amy was cheating on me, and did he tell me? No.

- Hmm, sounds familiar. - Na na na na na that's not the same.

Besides Gordon punched me. - I punched you. - That's also different.

- Well, I thought...

[Stephanie imitating Rocky Balboa] It wasn't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you get hit, get hit and keep on going. Cause that's how winning is done.

[Ian] [laughs] What is that? Are you an old person?

- No I just watch Rocky the other night for first time. - Well okay, I think you need to watch it again. - Yeah.

Look I'll forgive you. You just have to do something for me, and for yourself.

[Son] Rarrrr! [Daughter] Dad! Tell him to stop!

[Son] No! [Daughter screams] [Son giggles]

[Son] Snake monster! [Daughter] Stop! Stop! [Son screams]

[Daughter] Dad! [Son screams]

[Daughter] Tell him to stop! [Son screams]

[Daughter] Yes! [Son screams] [Daughter] Stop!

[Gordon] Alright. I had it with you two. Stop it. [Son repeats "No!"] [Daughter repeats "Yes!"]

[Daughter] That's it! [Son] Ouch ou ou ou please no...

[Gordon] In the name of all that is holy please stop. [kids screaming] [Gordon] Stop!

[doorbell] [dog barking] [Son] Help!

[dog barking] [Son] Dad! Help! [Daughter] Snake monster!

[kids screaming] [dog barking] [Ian] Hey.

[Gordon] Hey. [kids screaming] [dog barking]

[Gordon] You look like shit. [Ian] Oh thanks this is good thing I'm trying.

Anyway [sighs] I just, I don't know you know. - I know. - Yeah. - Yeah.

- So what do you say, you want to finish this thing? [dog barking] [Daughter] I'm going kill you! [Son screams]

[Gordon] Yeah. [Ian] Yeah. - Yeah.

- What right now? - Yep let's go. Let's get the hell out of here.

[Pete] We are totally out of time here. It's been great talking you guys. What advice, very quickly, can you give young filmmakers?

[Ian] Well huh, I think the biggest thing is to finish. I think it's so easy to just give up on your films.

[Gordon] Yeah. [Ian] And because there's so many obstacles.

[Old lady] Are you guys making a movie for you tubes?

[Gordon] Making a film is a very difficult thing to do and, these filmmakers, these young guys they go to film school, and they think it's so easy to do with film.

People think that it takes 10 minutes to do a 10-minute film. Or an hour and a half to do an hour and a half film. That's not how it is.

[Ian] Li-ike film making and making movies is like raising a child. You know... [Gordon] It's not like raising a child.

[Ian] It takes a lot you know, and you're nurturing this thing and you know trying to bring it to life, and it is like raising a child

[Gordon] I have children. Making a film is nothing like having a child. [Ian] Well you don't have to cuz yours just plays video games all day.

[Gordon] Well you know he's good at it. Everybody does what they're good at.

[Ian] Yeah okay. [Pete] We really have to... [Gordon] Anyway just continue.

[girl] Just... Ahh.

[Ian] Making a movie does affect your personal life. I've lost a lot of people really close to me because of the time I spend making movies.

No one wants to feel they come 2nd.

In a weird way you have a relationship with the movie you're making. And as strange as it sounds your partner becomes jealous of it.

And you can't blame them for not wanting to compete for your time.

[Gordon] Yeah I can agree with that. But at the end of the day, you know you have to live your life.

Like for me I'm trying to lose weight, I have my job, trying to lose weight, I'm doing all kinds of stuff I have my family.

There's a balance there that you have to maintain. You know I have my exercise as part of my program, for dieting and you know it helps me lose weight.

[Ian] You really don't have to tell him that. [Gordon] Well it's important to me. [Ian] Alright.

[Pete] Thank you it was brief and to the point. [Ian] Yeah and if I can add just one more thing Pete.

[Pete sighs] [Ian] The thing that I think about the most is just how much it can affect your personal life. And...

[Gordon] We already talked about your personal life. [Ian] No, I know. But I just want to get into it a little, little bit more.

[Gordon] Okay. [Ian] Okay. So... [Gordon] Go ahead.

[Ian] You have to be with someone who understands that it's your passion.

And even though you may spend a great deal of time on your film. They're just as important if not more important.

Because just as much as the film can affect your personal life, your personal life can affect the film.

[Gordon] See that's your problem right there. You always let your personal life interfere with your professional life.

[Ian] Like investing in those lights. [Gordon] Hey I do what I got to do, okay. At least I'm professional about it.

[Ian] [sighs] Anyway when people watch a movie they see the finished product.

They don't understand the amount of pain you had to go through.

Whether it's scheduling people, or sound issues, or finding a good location.

[Gordon] And don't forget about post-production and the hell that can be.

[Ian] Yeah you'd have to do post to know. [Gordon] Hey hey. I do plenty.

[Ian] The point is they don't care. They watch a movie they like it or they don't like it. That's all they care about.

[Ticket girl] Enjoy the movie. [Guy with beard] Yeah right.

[Gordon] I'll tell you what people care about themselves. [Ian] Yeah speak for yourself.

[Guy with beard] I believe this many people came. [Gordon] From a production standpoint it's frustrating when actors are more concerned about themselves and the project as a whole.

[Cody] So exciting to see... [Todd] Hey, hey how'd I do?

[Pete] We're out of time. Congrats on the film and thanks for being here. And thank you for watching Director's Cut.

For more informa... [Gordon] One more thing Pete. [Pete sighs]

[Gordon] You gotta understand. It's a real big thrill for everyone involved especially the actors.

Because they get to see themselves on the big screen. You know let's face it these people are vain.

I'm not. You know I choose to be a true professional at all times. I put myself above all that crap.

[Carl] Hey buddy. Look at you.

What did I tell you? I told this guy dress the part and you'll be the part.

Proud of ya. Congratulations.

[movie music starts]

[music fads out]

[Ian] I'm looking for some ice cream.

- [deep voice] Chunky monkey?

- Approved.

- [regular voice] We just got information about this formula. It is yet to be determined to be a true secret.

What we do know, is that it is extremely valuable. And whomever gets their hands on it. Is gonna be making trillions.

- This sounds like child's play to me Agent Y2K. What do you need me for?

- For her.

[music starts]

- Who is she? - Her name is Emily Cartel.

She's a former scientist and supermodel for Tractor Pull magazine.

She's currently working undercover with the KGB and Texas.

But we have reason to believe her life may be in danger.

We're gonna need you to interceptor her.

And Agent 00592-3.25, please! Try to keep her out of your personal life.

[funky music starts]

[music stops] [water sounds] [fight sounds]

Wha. Di. [gun jams]

Da. Raaaa!

[chopper sounds] [gun fire]

[Chung yelling] [Ian] Get to the chopper!

What's with all the punching. I said one punch.

[Ian] Latimere, I thought you died. - That was my clone.

[evil laugh]

[Stephanie] I can't believe you got the secret formula back, killed all the bad guys and saved the world.

[gun magazine loaded] - And I still have all my bullets. [gun cock]

- Go ahead shoot your load.

[gun firing]

[explosion] [end credits music starts]

[clapping]

[Gordon] Ready to do another one?

[music turns into Smiles & Sunshine (feat. Anna Freeman & Moe Pull) by Intellessence]

Sunshining on me baby, I'm shining on you.

Don't you wink at me.

[keyboard]

You spent 10 grand on this? Where'd you get the money?

- I sold the lights.

See one punch, and it's over.