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00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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00:00:02,219 --> 00:00:05,309
[upbeat swing music
with female vocalist]
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00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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00:00:12,708 --> 00:00:14,710
I've got a secret
5
00:00:14,710 --> 00:00:16,625
That I carry
6
00:00:16,625 --> 00:00:19,932
Everywhere I go
7
00:00:19,932 --> 00:00:21,934
I try to keep it quiet
8
00:00:21,934 --> 00:00:24,720
Otherwise, there'd be a riot
9
00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:28,811
People don't understand, no
10
00:00:28,811 --> 00:00:32,858
It's not easy being me
11
00:00:32,858 --> 00:00:35,861
It's a great responsibility
12
00:00:35,861 --> 00:00:38,386
'Cause I'm the greatest lover
13
00:00:38,386 --> 00:00:40,431
The world has ever known
14
00:00:40,431 --> 00:00:44,000
But nobody knows it by me
15
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:48,961
Now some people think
that they've got it good
16
00:00:52,226 --> 00:00:56,099
But they don't have
17
00:00:56,099 --> 00:01:01,017
A clue
18
00:01:01,017 --> 00:01:02,801
Sometimes I tremble
19
00:01:02,801 --> 00:01:05,108
Knowing I could kindle
20
00:01:05,108 --> 00:01:08,155
Any heart to flame
21
00:01:08,155 --> 00:01:13,160
I am the greatest lover
the world has ever known
22
00:01:14,248 --> 00:01:16,293
And just between you and me
23
00:01:16,293 --> 00:01:20,863
I am the greatest lover
the world has ever known
24
00:01:20,863 --> 00:01:24,606
But nobody knows it but me
25
00:01:26,303 --> 00:01:27,435
[birds chirping]
26
00:01:27,435 --> 00:01:30,525
[quirky piano music]
27
00:01:59,597 --> 00:02:02,818
[phone ringing]
28
00:02:02,818 --> 00:02:04,863
- [Daddy] You've
reached Zach Rosenstern.
29
00:02:04,863 --> 00:02:06,387
Please leave a message.
30
00:02:06,387 --> 00:02:08,563
If it's important,
I'll call you back.
31
00:02:08,563 --> 00:02:09,564
[answering machine beeps]
32
00:02:09,564 --> 00:02:11,435
- Hey, Daddy, it's me.
33
00:02:11,435 --> 00:02:13,829
I'm just callin' to tell ya
these bills are comin' in,
34
00:02:13,829 --> 00:02:16,962
and I'm wonderin' if you've
sent my allowance check yet.
35
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:19,748
Okay, well, just gimme a call.
36
00:02:20,836 --> 00:02:22,272
And hello to Laney Druff...
37
00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:24,622
Hmm, hello to Stepmama.
38
00:02:25,449 --> 00:02:26,537
I love you. Bye.
39
00:02:38,462 --> 00:02:40,247
Rolling. Hello, lovelies.
40
00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:42,814
Thanks so much for all
of your recommendations
41
00:02:42,814 --> 00:02:44,512
for a new catch phrase.
42
00:02:44,512 --> 00:02:47,297
I especially love your ideas
43
00:02:47,297 --> 00:02:49,691
of everything's coming up Gilda,
44
00:02:49,691 --> 00:02:52,868
got Gilda, and what you
talkin' 'bout, Gilda Sue.
45
00:02:54,565 --> 00:02:58,569
It's "The Gilda Sue Rosenstern
Computer Internet Show."
46
00:02:59,570 --> 00:03:02,007
Hello, lovelies.
47
00:03:02,007 --> 00:03:04,488
I am Gilda Sue Rosenstern.
48
00:03:04,488 --> 00:03:07,448
And y'all, I'm just
tickled pink to be here.
49
00:03:07,448 --> 00:03:10,755
Today, we're celebrating
with mimosas,
50
00:03:10,755 --> 00:03:13,889
which frankly, I find much
tastier without the OJ.
51
00:03:14,890 --> 00:03:15,717
Mm.
52
00:03:17,153 --> 00:03:20,287
In fact, I think I'm
in need of a little bit
53
00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:23,942
of what I love to call
hair of the puppy dog,
54
00:03:23,942 --> 00:03:26,815
'cause I think I still might
be just a teensy bit tipsy
55
00:03:26,815 --> 00:03:28,991
from drinking margarita
pitchers last night
56
00:03:28,991 --> 00:03:30,819
at my favorite
little bar Bitch!.
57
00:03:30,819 --> 00:03:33,343
This time on "Used Book Club!,"
58
00:03:33,343 --> 00:03:38,348
we're discussing "The Satanic
Verses" by Salman Rushdie.
59
00:03:39,871 --> 00:03:41,264
I did not understand one
word of this crazy book.
60
00:03:41,264 --> 00:03:42,831
[answering machine beeps]
61
00:03:42,831 --> 00:03:46,443
Daddy, it's me. Do you
ever have your phone on?
62
00:03:47,966 --> 00:03:49,141
Because the bills
just keep coming.
63
00:03:49,141 --> 00:03:51,013
I don't know if you know this,
64
00:03:51,013 --> 00:03:53,798
but if you don't pay 'em,
they keep sending you more.
65
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,671
So I was just checking
in one more time.
66
00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:00,588
Y'all, I'm beginnin' to realize
67
00:04:00,588 --> 00:04:04,069
that I'm way more out of
shape that I ever knew.
68
00:04:04,069 --> 00:04:07,377
But the best place to find
health and fitness advice
69
00:04:07,377 --> 00:04:10,554
is right here in my favorite
little magazine "Shrew!"
70
00:04:10,554 --> 00:04:13,557
Y'all, this women's
magazine is chock-full
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00:04:13,557 --> 00:04:16,908
of everything every modern
woman needs to know.
72
00:04:16,908 --> 00:04:19,998
I mean, it's full of
tips about dating men,
73
00:04:19,998 --> 00:04:22,871
tips about raising children.
74
00:04:22,871 --> 00:04:24,307
They're often the same thing.
75
00:04:26,178 --> 00:04:29,921
I can work out myself, all
by myself, and so can you.
76
00:04:29,921 --> 00:04:32,228
So I got myself a
little exercise ball.
77
00:04:32,228 --> 00:04:34,012
So we're gonna start on it.
78
00:04:34,012 --> 00:04:36,319
I don't really know
what you do on it.
79
00:04:36,319 --> 00:04:38,278
[ball creaking]
80
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,148
That feels good.
81
00:04:40,454 --> 00:04:42,020
I like that.
82
00:04:42,020 --> 00:04:43,761
You can do this.
83
00:04:43,761 --> 00:04:45,589
You can do 'em bigger.
That feels really good.
84
00:04:45,589 --> 00:04:46,895
[ball groans]
Oh!
85
00:04:46,895 --> 00:04:48,288
[fist banging]
86
00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:49,289
- Gilda Sue!
87
00:04:50,507 --> 00:04:51,334
Gilda Sue!
88
00:04:53,510 --> 00:04:55,860
I know you're home. I
can hear you in there.
89
00:04:55,860 --> 00:04:58,167
- Senor La Casa, is that you?
90
00:04:58,167 --> 00:04:59,951
Uh, I'm...
91
00:04:59,951 --> 00:05:02,780
I can't come to the door
right now. I'm in the shower.
92
00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:05,392
- I know you're not
in the shower. You're
right by the door.
93
00:05:05,392 --> 00:05:07,002
Do you have your rent yet?
94
00:05:07,002 --> 00:05:08,786
- Uh, well, [stammering]
honey, I can't hear you
95
00:05:08,786 --> 00:05:10,310
with the water runnin'.
96
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,094
- I know you're not
in the shower. [sighs]
97
00:05:12,094 --> 00:05:13,574
Look, just get me
my money, okay?
98
00:05:13,574 --> 00:05:15,227
I got bills of my own, you know?
99
00:05:16,272 --> 00:05:17,099
[complaining in Spanish
100
00:05:17,099 --> 00:05:18,753
]
101
00:05:18,753 --> 00:05:20,798
- And like any good
half-Jewish girl on Yom Kippur,
102
00:05:20,798 --> 00:05:24,324
I always spend some
time afflicting my soul
103
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,978
in accordance with
Jewish tradition,
104
00:05:26,978 --> 00:05:28,937
but it gets old fast.
105
00:05:28,937 --> 00:05:30,939
Our next letter begins, "Help!"
106
00:05:30,939 --> 00:05:33,028
Hon, don't plotz.
107
00:05:33,028 --> 00:05:36,118
I find the best way to deal
108
00:05:36,118 --> 00:05:39,121
with uncomfortable
feelings in general
109
00:05:39,121 --> 00:05:41,428
is just to ignore 'em.
110
00:05:41,428 --> 00:05:42,559
Push 'em down. Push
'em deep, deep down.
111
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:48,478
I don't know why more people
just don't do what I do.
112
00:05:48,478 --> 00:05:51,394
Pick up the phone, honey,
and call your daddy.
113
00:05:51,394 --> 00:05:53,004
[phone ringing]
114
00:05:53,004 --> 00:05:55,050
- [Daddy] You've
reached Zach Rosenstern.
115
00:05:55,050 --> 00:05:56,573
Please leave a message.
116
00:05:56,573 --> 00:05:58,749
If it's important,
I'll call you back.
117
00:05:58,749 --> 00:05:59,924
[answering machine beeps]
118
00:05:59,924 --> 00:06:01,361
- Hey, Daddy, it's me again.
119
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,884
Just wonderin' if
you're not even gettin'
120
00:06:02,884 --> 00:06:04,929
any of my messages.
121
00:06:04,929 --> 00:06:06,975
I been leavin' you
a lot of messages?
122
00:06:06,975 --> 00:06:08,324
[fist banging]
123
00:06:08,324 --> 00:06:10,195
- [Senor La Casa] Gilda Sue!
124
00:06:10,195 --> 00:06:11,371
- [Gilda Sue] So I was just
checkin' in one more time.
125
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:12,763
[fist banging]
- Gilda Sue!
126
00:06:12,763 --> 00:06:14,374
- [Gilda Sue]
Everything's fine here.
127
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,288
Everything's just fine here.
[fist banging]
128
00:06:16,288 --> 00:06:17,812
- I can hear you in there.
- Um, just gimme a call,
129
00:06:17,812 --> 00:06:20,771
you know, whenever it's
convenient for you.
130
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,384
I'm right by the phone.
131
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:27,952
[bustling classical music]
132
00:06:30,781 --> 00:06:32,348
- [Daddy] Please
leave a message.
133
00:06:32,348 --> 00:06:33,871
If it's important,
I'll call you back.
134
00:06:33,871 --> 00:06:36,396
[Daddy's voice echoing
"If it's important"]
135
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,877
[spooky music]
136
00:06:39,877 --> 00:06:41,139
If it's important,
important, important,
137
00:06:41,139 --> 00:06:43,794
important, important, important.
138
00:06:43,794 --> 00:06:46,971
[eerie ambient music]
139
00:06:59,549 --> 00:07:02,987
[wind chimes clattering]
140
00:07:31,407 --> 00:07:33,235
If it's important,
important, important.
141
00:07:33,235 --> 00:07:36,586
It's important,
I'll call you back.
142
00:07:36,586 --> 00:07:39,937
[eerie dreamlike music]
143
00:08:09,837 --> 00:08:13,275
[wind chimes clattering]
144
00:08:14,624 --> 00:08:17,192
[man cackling]
145
00:08:31,859 --> 00:08:36,385
[Gilda Sue shrieks]
[Gilda Sue breathing heavily]
146
00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:39,214
[Gilda Sue sighs]
147
00:08:44,175 --> 00:08:45,176
[neon sign buzzing]
148
00:08:45,176 --> 00:08:46,700
[soulful swing music]
149
00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:47,701
- [Pearl] Girl,
that sounds awful.
150
00:08:47,701 --> 00:08:49,180
- [Nunzia] It does.
151
00:08:49,180 --> 00:08:50,181
- Did he have anything
to say about me?
152
00:08:50,181 --> 00:08:51,008
- [Gilda Sue] Who?
153
00:08:51,008 --> 00:08:51,966
- Mr. Death?
154
00:08:51,966 --> 00:08:53,271
- [gasps] Death?
155
00:08:53,271 --> 00:08:55,143
[cell phone chimes]
Oy!
156
00:08:55,143 --> 00:08:57,014
My landlord.
157
00:08:57,014 --> 00:08:59,539
Do y'all know Daddy hadn't
paid my rent this month.
158
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:00,496
- Girl.
159
00:09:00,496 --> 00:09:01,628
- I know.
160
00:09:01,628 --> 00:09:03,194
He's actin' super meshuga.
161
00:09:03,194 --> 00:09:06,154
He's not returnin'
any of my calls.
162
00:09:06,154 --> 00:09:07,938
[sighs] If he doesn't hurry
up and pay my phone bill,
163
00:09:07,938 --> 00:09:09,810
he won't be able
to return my calls.
164
00:09:09,810 --> 00:09:12,639
- [Pearl] Did he comment
on anything in particular?
165
00:09:12,639 --> 00:09:14,205
- Daddy?
166
00:09:14,205 --> 00:09:15,380
- [Pearl] [sighs]
The Grim Reaper?
167
00:09:15,380 --> 00:09:17,165
- [gasps] The Grim Reaper? Oy!
168
00:09:17,165 --> 00:09:20,560
- Like, did he have any
advice on your fall wardrobe?
169
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,649
Would this blouse
make me look gay?
170
00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:24,564
- Is this my "Shrew!"?
171
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,827
- [Pearl] You left it here
on Strip Trivia Night.
172
00:09:26,827 --> 00:09:27,654
[Gilda Sue groans]
173
00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:29,830
- It's pretty.
174
00:09:29,830 --> 00:09:32,006
I can give you a mother
of pearl mani to match it.
175
00:09:32,006 --> 00:09:33,485
- Oy, this is terrible.
176
00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:35,096
- I think it's delicious.
177
00:09:35,096 --> 00:09:37,751
- Not the drink, Nunz! My dream.
178
00:09:37,751 --> 00:09:41,145
Y'all! I am runnin' outta time.
179
00:09:41,145 --> 00:09:43,234
- Don't be silly, Gilda Sue.
180
00:09:44,627 --> 00:09:46,368
What is it you want
more than anything else
181
00:09:46,368 --> 00:09:48,283
in the entire world?
182
00:09:48,283 --> 00:09:49,458
- Fame.
183
00:09:49,458 --> 00:09:50,981
- What do you want second most?
184
00:09:52,156 --> 00:09:53,331
- Fortune.
185
00:09:53,331 --> 00:09:54,898
- Do you have a third choice?
186
00:09:54,898 --> 00:09:56,117
- Mr. Right?
187
00:09:56,117 --> 00:09:57,901
- Mr-E-Date.com.
188
00:09:57,901 --> 00:09:59,773
[dramatic music]
189
00:09:59,773 --> 00:10:01,992
It's where I'm gonna
go find my Mr. Right.
190
00:10:01,992 --> 00:10:04,299
[dramatic music]
191
00:10:04,299 --> 00:10:05,779
- Huh?
192
00:10:05,779 --> 00:10:08,172
- [Announcer] Welcome
to Mr-E-Date.com,
193
00:10:08,172 --> 00:10:10,610
where all the dates are dreams,
194
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,873
because we don't do duds.
195
00:10:12,873 --> 00:10:15,876
[sultry jazz music]
196
00:10:19,096 --> 00:10:20,576
[birds chirping]
197
00:10:20,576 --> 00:10:22,752
- I got plenty of money,
I mean, seriously.
198
00:10:22,752 --> 00:10:25,015
Really, I got money to burn.
199
00:10:25,015 --> 00:10:26,974
She is my daughter,
200
00:10:26,974 --> 00:10:29,629
but she's 18.
201
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:32,414
She needs to get a job,
pay her own damn bills,
202
00:10:32,414 --> 00:10:34,459
and quit taking
advantage of her old man.
203
00:10:34,459 --> 00:10:36,200
Yeah, I cut her off.
204
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:37,027
I mean, that's,
205
00:10:38,115 --> 00:10:39,639
that's what you would do, right?
206
00:10:40,814 --> 00:10:43,251
Am I-
[suspenseful music]
207
00:10:43,251 --> 00:10:45,035
- Right there on
top of her table,
208
00:10:45,035 --> 00:10:47,211
there's this naked dude yelling.
209
00:10:47,211 --> 00:10:48,778
Oh, and I know this is true,
210
00:10:48,778 --> 00:10:50,650
because my friend
knows this chick.
211
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,564
He's yelling, "Look at it,
look at it, look at it!"
212
00:10:52,564 --> 00:10:54,218
And so, she does.
213
00:10:54,218 --> 00:10:57,134
And then, [laughing]
this is so gross.
214
00:10:57,134 --> 00:10:58,788
Blech.
215
00:10:58,788 --> 00:11:00,877
She goes to the doctor,
and the doctor tells her
216
00:11:00,877 --> 00:11:03,227
that, in her eye, there's a-
217
00:11:03,227 --> 00:11:04,489
[suspenseful music]
218
00:11:04,489 --> 00:11:05,839
- Crab.
219
00:11:05,839 --> 00:11:07,971
Maryland crab cakes.
220
00:11:07,971 --> 00:11:11,409
Hmm, I wonder if it's mostly
crab or mostly filler.
221
00:11:11,409 --> 00:11:12,933
I'd bet it's mostly filler.
222
00:11:12,933 --> 00:11:16,588
See, I'm from Maryland,
and we prefer the kind
223
00:11:16,588 --> 00:11:18,155
with barely any filler,
224
00:11:18,155 --> 00:11:19,635
'cause that way, you
get all the flavor.
225
00:11:19,635 --> 00:11:21,245
Maryland has the
best crab cakes.
226
00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:24,379
I remember, in Rehoboth,
there was a chain
227
00:11:24,379 --> 00:11:26,816
that I used to go
to with my brother.
228
00:11:26,816 --> 00:11:29,036
In fact, he bought his
favorite flip-flops there.
229
00:11:29,036 --> 00:11:32,082
Sometimes I get some
frozen at Costco.
230
00:11:33,475 --> 00:11:36,130
And I've noticed
that the quality
231
00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:39,437
is starting to wane,
232
00:11:39,437 --> 00:11:43,311
and, uh, well, if I had
renewed my membership.
233
00:11:45,095 --> 00:11:47,489
[soft jazz music]
234
00:11:47,489 --> 00:11:49,404
- It's simple, Gilda Sue.
235
00:11:49,404 --> 00:11:52,973
God made us in his image.
We do not need to evolve.
236
00:11:52,973 --> 00:11:54,888
You'll never catch
me doing it anyway.
237
00:11:54,888 --> 00:11:57,368
- Pearl, honey, can I get
a side of potatoes please?
238
00:11:57,368 --> 00:11:58,892
- Oh, honey, are you sure?
239
00:11:58,892 --> 00:12:01,111
Those trousers are pretty tight.
240
00:12:01,111 --> 00:12:02,852
Aren't you training
with Jamal again?
241
00:12:02,852 --> 00:12:04,288
- Yes, Mama.
242
00:12:04,288 --> 00:12:05,855
- Well, I'm glad
you're back in the gym.
243
00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:09,076
You just look better
thin. Well, thinner.
244
00:12:09,076 --> 00:12:11,078
- [sighs] And can I get some
ketchup too please, hon?
245
00:12:11,078 --> 00:12:13,080
- Well, the servers are
marrying the ketchups right now,
246
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:14,255
but I'll find you a bottle.
247
00:12:14,255 --> 00:12:15,256
[Gilda Sue mutters]
248
00:12:15,256 --> 00:12:16,648
- Marrying the ketchups?
249
00:12:16,648 --> 00:12:18,128
- What now?
250
00:12:18,128 --> 00:12:20,609
- Even Pearl ought
to know that marriage
251
00:12:20,609 --> 00:12:22,872
is between one
man and one woman.
252
00:12:22,872 --> 00:12:24,439
- Oy!
253
00:12:24,439 --> 00:12:26,571
And apparently, that
one man's one ex-wife.
254
00:12:26,571 --> 00:12:28,182
- Oh lord, can we have one meal
255
00:12:28,182 --> 00:12:30,140
without discussing my love life?
256
00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:32,534
- How is Daddy by the way?
He doesn't return my calls.
257
00:12:32,534 --> 00:12:34,101
- Oh, Gilda Sue.
258
00:12:34,101 --> 00:12:35,885
- It's that Laney
Druffle, isn't it?
259
00:12:35,885 --> 00:12:39,019
- Well, she's Laney
Rosenstern now, Gilda Sue.
260
00:12:39,019 --> 00:12:41,804
- I swear she hadn't
changed since high school.
261
00:12:41,804 --> 00:12:44,807
- She and your daddy are
having some trouble apparently.
262
00:12:45,808 --> 00:12:47,679
- Well, it's no wonder.
263
00:12:47,679 --> 00:12:50,378
You know, you and Daddy oughta
be ashamed of yourselves.
264
00:12:50,378 --> 00:12:52,772
- Your daddy and I
were married once!
265
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:56,297
And in the eyes of God, no
matter what, we always will be.
266
00:12:56,297 --> 00:12:58,734
So technically, that
doesn't make us adulterers.
267
00:12:58,734 --> 00:13:00,562
- Technically, it
makes you Mormons.
268
00:13:00,562 --> 00:13:02,433
- Watch your mouth!
269
00:13:02,433 --> 00:13:04,218
- Hey, Gilda Sue, I had an
idea that could help you
270
00:13:04,218 --> 00:13:05,915
with your Mr. Right problem.
271
00:13:05,915 --> 00:13:08,178
I think you should
immediately get on muh-face.
272
00:13:08,178 --> 00:13:10,006
- Good lord!
273
00:13:10,006 --> 00:13:13,575
- Pearl, I never been a friends
with benefits type of girl.
274
00:13:13,575 --> 00:13:17,448
- No, muh-face, it's a
social networking site.
275
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:22,889
- Oh, you have 24,362 pals?
276
00:13:22,889 --> 00:13:25,021
- [Donna Sue] Hmm, is everybody
in the world on that thing?
277
00:13:25,021 --> 00:13:27,023
- That's what makes it so great.
278
00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:30,679
I don't think they can Mr. Right
off muh-face if they tried.
279
00:13:30,679 --> 00:13:33,769
[lively world music]
280
00:13:42,691 --> 00:13:45,128
- You don't remember
the Pork Grind?
281
00:13:45,128 --> 00:13:47,000
That was my signature move.
282
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:48,915
Then, see, I'd follow
it up with the Sizzler,
283
00:13:48,915 --> 00:13:51,743
and finish 'em off with
the Hambone. [grunts]
284
00:13:51,743 --> 00:13:54,137
I miss the spotlight,
but I'm gonna be back.
285
00:13:54,137 --> 00:13:57,184
Anonymity has never been what
the good Lord God had in mind
286
00:13:57,184 --> 00:14:00,317
for the Burning Ham from
Birmingham. [coughs]
287
00:14:00,317 --> 00:14:02,842
So what is it that
you do? [chuckles]
288
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:05,018
Uh, it is Tilda, isn't it?
289
00:14:05,018 --> 00:14:06,280
Tilda Lou, right?
290
00:14:07,629 --> 00:14:10,675
[lively world music]
291
00:14:15,202 --> 00:14:18,422
- I'll bet you a dollar you
can't find other saturated fats,
292
00:14:18,422 --> 00:14:21,121
preservatives, artificial
sweeteners on this list
293
00:14:21,121 --> 00:14:23,645
the poisonous
place calls a menu.
294
00:14:23,645 --> 00:14:26,474
If I had my way, all these
restaurants would be outlawed.
295
00:14:26,474 --> 00:14:28,345
All the chefs would
be tarred, feathered,
296
00:14:28,345 --> 00:14:31,305
and drug through the bloody
streets by their cankles.
297
00:14:31,305 --> 00:14:33,133
- Oh!
- It really does make me sick.
298
00:14:33,133 --> 00:14:35,962
That's why I bring my
own snacks, just in case.
299
00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:37,528
Would you like some?
300
00:14:37,528 --> 00:14:39,269
You're welcome to
some if you'd like.
301
00:14:39,269 --> 00:14:40,575
- Thank you, no.
302
00:14:40,575 --> 00:14:42,055
[teeth crunching]
Uh.
303
00:14:42,055 --> 00:14:43,970
- I'm glad they
got a full bar too.
304
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,797
Look at those fat alcoholics.
305
00:14:47,451 --> 00:14:49,279
Everyone of those
bleeders up there deserves
306
00:14:49,279 --> 00:14:50,890
every little bit of liver
and kidney malfunction
307
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,674
that comes their way.
308
00:14:52,674 --> 00:14:54,458
Shocking! You don't
drink, do you, Gilda Sue?
309
00:14:54,458 --> 00:14:57,026
[lively music]
310
00:15:02,379 --> 00:15:04,077
- [Gilda Sue] Does this van run?
311
00:15:04,077 --> 00:15:06,340
Can, uh, is this it?
312
00:15:06,340 --> 00:15:07,515
- It runs.
313
00:15:07,515 --> 00:15:09,343
Steering wheel's messed up,
314
00:15:09,343 --> 00:15:11,171
and the air conditioner's
got some people in it.
315
00:15:11,171 --> 00:15:12,346
It's comfortable to me.
316
00:15:12,346 --> 00:15:14,174
I got a bed. I got a sink.
317
00:15:14,174 --> 00:15:16,524
- Yeah, I don't know that this
is gonna work out exactly.
318
00:15:16,524 --> 00:15:18,743
- I could go get a house,
but I'm close to my daughter,
319
00:15:18,743 --> 00:15:20,441
and I can just
plug in right here.
320
00:15:20,441 --> 00:15:22,530
I got a transformer, generator,
321
00:15:22,530 --> 00:15:25,359
but I been here seven
and saved a lot of money.
322
00:15:25,359 --> 00:15:27,927
Did you know Elvis
lived in a van
323
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,625
before he became a high hurdle?
324
00:15:30,625 --> 00:15:32,409
[Gilda Sue stammering]
He lived in a van.
325
00:15:32,409 --> 00:15:35,238
- Is there a phone? I
wouldn't mind calling a cab.
326
00:15:35,238 --> 00:15:38,241
- I could take you home.
Uh, Pedro drives a cab.
327
00:15:38,241 --> 00:15:39,808
He's right down the street.
328
00:15:39,808 --> 00:15:41,592
- Okay, I don't seem to
get much service here.
329
00:15:41,592 --> 00:15:44,030
My phone doesn't, doesn't
have any bars here.
330
00:15:44,030 --> 00:15:45,901
- I think Pedro's a nice man.
331
00:15:45,901 --> 00:15:47,816
He speaks in a bell-like tone.
332
00:15:47,816 --> 00:15:49,731
He's from Tifton,
down where my daddy.
333
00:15:49,731 --> 00:15:51,733
We brought him up
here, and, uh...
334
00:15:51,733 --> 00:15:53,300
Here's a phone if
you wanna call him.
335
00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:55,128
- Yeah, I wouldn't,
I wouldn't mind
336
00:15:55,128 --> 00:15:56,651
just, uh, just
havin' a, havin' a-
337
00:15:56,651 --> 00:15:59,132
- Caught him when he
was 14 from The Brazier
338
00:15:59,132 --> 00:16:00,611
for stealing charcoal,
339
00:16:00,611 --> 00:16:02,265
and then he got into Memphis,
- Oh my.
340
00:16:02,265 --> 00:16:04,441
- and joined a
house-number-retrieving group.
341
00:16:04,441 --> 00:16:07,357
And they were stealing all
the eights off mailboxes.
342
00:16:07,357 --> 00:16:08,750
- Yeah, this phone
343
00:16:08,750 --> 00:16:10,621
does not work.
- They had 3,000 eights
344
00:16:10,621 --> 00:16:13,059
in a rental truck, and they
got in trouble for doing that.
345
00:16:13,059 --> 00:16:15,148
- Yeah.
- So I got him out of jail,
346
00:16:15,148 --> 00:16:17,019
and I've taken care of him
347
00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:18,325
for a long time.
[door thuds]
348
00:16:18,325 --> 00:16:20,109
- Can you tell me which way, uh,
349
00:16:20,109 --> 00:16:21,110
which way's north?
350
00:16:21,110 --> 00:16:22,459
[man coughs]
351
00:16:22,459 --> 00:16:23,504
[man laughs]
352
00:16:23,504 --> 00:16:25,506
Yeah, bye bye now.
353
00:16:25,506 --> 00:16:28,770
[lively world music]
354
00:16:28,770 --> 00:16:31,947
[fist knocking]
355
00:16:31,947 --> 00:16:33,166
Charlie!
356
00:16:33,166 --> 00:16:33,993
- [Charlie] Gilda Sue.
357
00:16:37,953 --> 00:16:38,780
Shall we?
358
00:16:48,181 --> 00:16:50,009
- Would you like to come in for-
359
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,576
[tires squeal]
360
00:16:57,886 --> 00:16:59,192
What's that?
361
00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:00,715
- One week notice, Gilda Sue.
362
00:17:00,715 --> 00:17:01,933
I'm calling everything up.
363
00:17:01,933 --> 00:17:02,891
Power, cable, agua, todo!
364
00:17:04,632 --> 00:17:07,113
and I'm throwing all your
stuff on the curb in one week,
365
00:17:07,113 --> 00:17:08,853
unless you can pay up.
366
00:17:08,853 --> 00:17:10,029
- In one week?
367
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,204
How am I supposed to do that?
368
00:17:11,204 --> 00:17:13,336
- That's up to you, Gilda Sue.
369
00:17:13,336 --> 00:17:14,511
Get it together.
370
00:17:14,511 --> 00:17:18,124
[mournful orchestral music]
371
00:17:28,569 --> 00:17:30,179
[phone ringing]
372
00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:32,138
- [Daddy] You've
reached Zach Rosenstern.
373
00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:33,704
Please leave a message.
374
00:17:33,704 --> 00:17:36,881
If it's important,
I'll call you back.
375
00:17:41,930 --> 00:17:44,237
- Girl, you're dating for food.
376
00:17:44,237 --> 00:17:45,325
- I know!
377
00:17:45,325 --> 00:17:47,631
In my wildest dreams!
378
00:17:47,631 --> 00:17:49,938
- Hello, kids. Geez, what a day.
379
00:17:49,938 --> 00:17:52,462
Pearl, I need an
Italian stallion.
380
00:17:52,462 --> 00:17:53,420
- Got you covered.
381
00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:54,421
- Hey, Nunz.
382
00:17:54,421 --> 00:17:56,031
- Hey, Gilda Sue.
383
00:17:56,031 --> 00:17:58,512
I just finished
your mom and dad's
384
00:17:58,512 --> 00:18:01,080
couples' mega mani
and pimpin' pedi.
385
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,559
- [Gilda Sue] What?
386
00:18:02,559 --> 00:18:03,560
- Yeah, did you
know they were going
387
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:04,909
on some cruise together?
388
00:18:04,909 --> 00:18:06,433
- Where?
389
00:18:06,433 --> 00:18:08,435
- The Galapagos Islands.
Can you believe that?
390
00:18:08,435 --> 00:18:09,436
- Where?
391
00:18:09,436 --> 00:18:10,915
- Who cares, Pearl?
392
00:18:10,915 --> 00:18:13,309
They're going someplace
fun and expensive.
393
00:18:13,309 --> 00:18:15,181
I'm dating for dinner,
394
00:18:15,181 --> 00:18:17,096
and I'm gonna be livin'
on the streets in a week.
395
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:18,575
- A week?
396
00:18:18,575 --> 00:18:20,229
- Gilda Sue, you're
gonna have to get a job.
397
00:18:20,229 --> 00:18:21,796
- Pearl!
398
00:18:21,796 --> 00:18:24,103
Doin' what? Waitin'
tables here at Bitch!?
399
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,713
- Oh, god, no!
400
00:18:25,713 --> 00:18:28,933
- Nunz, your sofa sleeps
real, real good, right?
401
00:18:28,933 --> 00:18:30,326
- No.
402
00:18:30,326 --> 00:18:32,763
Gilda Sue, what
happened with Mr. Right?
403
00:18:32,763 --> 00:18:36,767
- All of my Mr-E-Dates were
duds, not a dream in the bunch.
404
00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:38,291
- Well, what are
you gonna do now?
405
00:18:38,291 --> 00:18:40,641
- Y'all, other people
get rich and famous
406
00:18:40,641 --> 00:18:43,470
on the computer
internet all the time.
407
00:18:44,949 --> 00:18:46,516
If I could just make
one episode go viral,
408
00:18:46,516 --> 00:18:49,519
I could get a TV
show of my very own.
409
00:18:49,519 --> 00:18:51,521
I wouldn't even need Mr. Right.
410
00:18:51,521 --> 00:18:54,133
- In one week? You
need a miracle.
411
00:18:55,046 --> 00:18:57,571
- You need The Bible.
412
00:18:57,571 --> 00:18:59,616
- Oy! You sound like Mama.
413
00:18:59,616 --> 00:19:02,619
- No, for the next
"Used Book Club!,"
414
00:19:02,619 --> 00:19:04,969
why don't you review The Bible?
415
00:19:04,969 --> 00:19:08,973
Can you think of anything
more viral than the Bible?
416
00:19:08,973 --> 00:19:11,193
- Off the top of my head, no.
417
00:19:11,193 --> 00:19:14,022
- Not only would
your hits skyrocket,
418
00:19:14,022 --> 00:19:16,155
but you could always rack
up more brownie points
419
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:17,939
with the man upstairs.
420
00:19:17,939 --> 00:19:20,071
A girl can use all
the help she can get.
421
00:19:20,071 --> 00:19:21,508
- [Pearl] Mm-hmm.
422
00:19:21,508 --> 00:19:22,683
- Y'all, that is exactly
what I'm gonna do.
423
00:19:22,683 --> 00:19:26,687
I am gonna review The Bible!
424
00:19:26,687 --> 00:19:28,428
Hey, Nunz, can I
borrow your Bible?
425
00:19:28,428 --> 00:19:29,733
- What? No.
426
00:19:29,733 --> 00:19:31,909
Run down to Book 'Em.
427
00:19:31,909 --> 00:19:34,825
I'm sure Jiminy's got
tons of 'em cheap.
428
00:19:34,825 --> 00:19:37,393
[quirky music]
429
00:20:02,070 --> 00:20:04,855
[clock ticking]
430
00:20:04,855 --> 00:20:05,682
- Hello?
431
00:20:14,691 --> 00:20:15,518
Jiminy?
432
00:20:21,089 --> 00:20:24,092
[eerie synth music]
433
00:20:37,801 --> 00:20:38,585
Hello?
434
00:21:14,055 --> 00:21:15,143
Anybody home?
435
00:21:21,671 --> 00:21:22,498
Yoo-hoo?
436
00:21:28,330 --> 00:21:31,115
[dramatic chord]
437
00:21:36,904 --> 00:21:37,992
Hello, puppy.
438
00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:42,301
Where did you come from?
439
00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:47,915
I'm just gonna
come back tomorrow.
440
00:21:51,745 --> 00:21:55,183
[sinister ambient music]
441
00:22:00,928 --> 00:22:02,930
- What can I do for ya?
442
00:22:03,931 --> 00:22:06,150
- Do you work here?
443
00:22:06,150 --> 00:22:08,283
- Upon occasion.
444
00:22:08,283 --> 00:22:10,329
- [Gilda Sue] Well,
where is Jiminy?
445
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:14,202
- He's, um, stepped out.
446
00:22:16,813 --> 00:22:18,641
- Well, when do you
expect him back?
447
00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:21,165
- Hard to say.
448
00:22:24,255 --> 00:22:25,082
- Okay.
449
00:22:26,954 --> 00:22:27,868
Fair enough.
450
00:22:29,609 --> 00:22:31,350
[stammering] I'm just, I'm
just gonna come back tomorrow.
451
00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:32,916
- [The Man] You sure
I can't help you?
452
00:22:36,311 --> 00:22:37,878
- Well, I could use a Bible.
453
00:22:39,401 --> 00:22:40,837
- A bible?
454
00:22:40,837 --> 00:22:42,535
- [Gilda Sue] Uh huh.
455
00:22:42,535 --> 00:22:44,188
- What kinda bible?
456
00:22:44,188 --> 00:22:46,016
- You know, THE Bible.
457
00:22:47,017 --> 00:22:48,758
♪ The B-I-B-L-E
458
00:22:48,758 --> 00:22:51,108
♪ Duh dee dee, dee dee dee
459
00:22:51,108 --> 00:22:52,893
- A lot of bibles in
the world, Gilda Sue.
460
00:22:52,893 --> 00:22:53,720
- Yeah, I know.
461
00:22:56,070 --> 00:22:57,114
You know my name?
462
00:22:58,202 --> 00:22:59,508
- Of course I know your name.
463
00:23:01,771 --> 00:23:02,598
- How?
464
00:23:04,121 --> 00:23:06,210
- You don't need a
Bible, Gilda Sue.
465
00:23:06,210 --> 00:23:07,516
- I don't?
466
00:23:07,516 --> 00:23:08,343
- Hell no.
467
00:23:09,257 --> 00:23:11,651
- [Gilda Sue] Why not?
468
00:23:11,651 --> 00:23:13,609
- The Bible ain't
nothing but a cookbook.
469
00:23:15,394 --> 00:23:20,007
Just a bunch of tired old
paint-by-numbers recipes
470
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,227
for people who ain't
got no business
471
00:23:23,227 --> 00:23:24,577
in the futher-muckin' kitchen.
472
00:23:24,577 --> 00:23:25,839
You know what I'm sayin'?
473
00:23:27,710 --> 00:23:29,886
- [stammering] Well, I, uh...
474
00:23:29,886 --> 00:23:30,713
- Puppets.
475
00:23:31,845 --> 00:23:32,672
Ovines.
476
00:23:34,543 --> 00:23:36,545
You're not an ovine,
are you, Gilda Sue?
477
00:23:39,069 --> 00:23:40,114
Of course you're not.
478
00:23:41,594 --> 00:23:45,902
That's why we gonna take
a pass on the B-I-B-L-E,
479
00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:50,820
and go with this instead.
480
00:23:53,823 --> 00:23:54,650
Go ahead.
481
00:23:56,826 --> 00:23:57,653
Take it.
482
00:24:08,142 --> 00:24:09,622
- This book is blank.
483
00:24:11,450 --> 00:24:12,276
- Really?
484
00:24:13,277 --> 00:24:14,104
Huh.
485
00:24:16,019 --> 00:24:17,543
Then I guess it's on the house.
486
00:24:20,110 --> 00:24:21,198
- Wait a minute, wha'?
487
00:24:22,678 --> 00:24:24,419
What am I supposed to
do with a blank book?
488
00:24:28,249 --> 00:24:31,470
- That's up to you, Gilda Sue.
489
00:24:31,470 --> 00:24:34,603
[ominous eerie music]
490
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:44,918
- [Nunzia] A black dog is worse
than a black cat, Gilda Sue!
491
00:24:44,918 --> 00:24:45,745
- [Gilda Sue] It is?
492
00:24:45,745 --> 00:24:46,920
- [Nunzia] Yes!
493
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:50,053
- Well, y'all, he knew my name.
494
00:24:50,053 --> 00:24:51,098
- The dog knew your name?
495
00:24:51,098 --> 00:24:52,578
- Oh, no, the man.
496
00:24:52,578 --> 00:24:54,144
- How did he know your name?
497
00:24:54,144 --> 00:24:55,929
- I don't know!
498
00:24:55,929 --> 00:24:59,193
He did have to ask,
though, if I was an ovine.
499
00:24:59,193 --> 00:25:00,020
- A what?
500
00:25:00,020 --> 00:25:01,325
- A sheep.
501
00:25:01,325 --> 00:25:03,110
I know. I had to look it up.
502
00:25:03,110 --> 00:25:05,504
- Gilda Sue, why did
you stick around?
503
00:25:05,504 --> 00:25:09,116
Did you ask yourself why
this guy and his demon dog
504
00:25:09,116 --> 00:25:10,987
would refuse to
sell you a Bible?
505
00:25:10,987 --> 00:25:12,772
- Demon dog?
506
00:25:12,772 --> 00:25:17,254
- Well, he said it was a
cookbook filled with recipes.
507
00:25:17,254 --> 00:25:18,429
- That's a bad thing?
508
00:25:18,429 --> 00:25:19,953
- I love a good cookbook.
509
00:25:19,953 --> 00:25:22,042
- Oh, well, he also
said it had something
510
00:25:22,042 --> 00:25:24,174
to do with puppets.
511
00:25:24,174 --> 00:25:25,001
- Puppets?
512
00:25:25,001 --> 00:25:26,525
- And robots.
513
00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:27,787
- Puppets and robots?
514
00:25:27,787 --> 00:25:28,614
- And sheep.
515
00:25:28,614 --> 00:25:30,093
- Oh my.
516
00:25:30,093 --> 00:25:31,399
- I can't believe
lightning didn't strike
517
00:25:31,399 --> 00:25:32,879
you both right there.
518
00:25:32,879 --> 00:25:36,491
- Well, he did sort
of just vanish.
519
00:25:37,797 --> 00:25:39,407
- Vanish?
520
00:25:39,407 --> 00:25:41,888
- Yeah, right after
he gave me the book.
521
00:25:41,888 --> 00:25:43,367
- What book?
522
00:25:43,367 --> 00:25:44,891
- Are you sure you
weren't dreamin' again?
523
00:25:44,891 --> 00:25:49,069
- Well, if I was, I
woke up holding this.
524
00:25:49,069 --> 00:25:50,853
[phone chimes]
[all yelp]
525
00:25:50,853 --> 00:25:52,420
It's just Mama.
526
00:25:52,420 --> 00:25:54,509
Oy, she and Daddy
are havin' the time
527
00:25:54,509 --> 00:25:56,337
of their illicit lives,
528
00:25:56,337 --> 00:25:59,470
and I have to hear about it
every blessed day they're gone.
529
00:25:59,470 --> 00:26:01,560
- What does this symbol mean?
530
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:04,127
- It's sorcerous!
Keep it away from me!
531
00:26:04,127 --> 00:26:07,087
- Gilda Sue, this whole thing's
feelin' a little creepy.
532
00:26:07,087 --> 00:26:09,698
- [whimpering] I wish I was
wearing my Italian horn.
533
00:26:09,698 --> 00:26:11,918
- Oy gevalt, y'all.
534
00:26:11,918 --> 00:26:13,484
What am I supposed to do now?
535
00:26:15,225 --> 00:26:18,794
[curious orchestral music]
536
00:26:23,059 --> 00:26:24,060
- [Rabbi Spiderman] The
Bible is a cookbook?
537
00:26:24,060 --> 00:26:25,496
Who told you this?
538
00:26:25,496 --> 00:26:26,976
- [Gilda Sue] The man.
539
00:26:26,976 --> 00:26:28,674
- The same man
who gave you this?
540
00:26:28,674 --> 00:26:30,589
- Yeah.
541
00:26:30,589 --> 00:26:32,678
- Well, did this man impart
any wisdom about Yom Kippur.
542
00:26:32,678 --> 00:26:34,767
- [gasps] Oy vey,
it's near Yom Kippur.
543
00:26:34,767 --> 00:26:37,073
Rabbi Spiderman, I was
just thinking about,
544
00:26:37,073 --> 00:26:39,598
just skippin' Yom
Kippur this year.
545
00:26:39,598 --> 00:26:42,601
- Skipping Yom Kippur?
What about your soul?
546
00:26:42,601 --> 00:26:44,341
It needs afflicting.
547
00:26:44,341 --> 00:26:46,822
- My soul has been
afflicted a ton this year,
548
00:26:46,822 --> 00:26:48,258
especially lately.
549
00:26:48,258 --> 00:26:50,086
- It's up to you, Gilda Sue.
550
00:26:53,002 --> 00:26:55,178
- Wait, what, what
did you just say?
551
00:26:55,178 --> 00:26:56,702
- I said it's up to you.
552
00:26:56,702 --> 00:26:59,269
- No, you said it's
up to you, Gilda Sue.
553
00:26:59,269 --> 00:27:00,836
- Your point?
554
00:27:00,836 --> 00:27:02,272
- [Gilda Sue] Well, it's
a perfect catch phrase.
555
00:27:02,272 --> 00:27:03,665
- Catch phrase?
556
00:27:03,665 --> 00:27:05,536
- Yeah, for my show.
557
00:27:05,536 --> 00:27:07,713
- It doesn't make any sense
unless everyone in your audience
558
00:27:07,713 --> 00:27:09,410
is named Gilda Sue.
559
00:27:09,410 --> 00:27:11,020
- Sure it does.
560
00:27:11,020 --> 00:27:15,242
It's up to you,
561
00:27:15,242 --> 00:27:16,069
Gilda Sue.
562
00:27:19,072 --> 00:27:20,639
[Gilda Sue gasps]
563
00:27:20,639 --> 00:27:23,859
But what am I supposed
to do with this?
564
00:27:23,859 --> 00:27:28,385
[resounding orchestral music]
565
00:27:28,385 --> 00:27:29,778
[phone ringing]
566
00:27:29,778 --> 00:27:31,737
- [Daddy] You've
reached Zach Rosenstern.
567
00:27:31,737 --> 00:27:33,303
Please leave a message.
568
00:27:33,303 --> 00:27:35,175
If it's important,
I'll call you back.
569
00:27:36,829 --> 00:27:39,309
- Hey, Daddy, it's me.
570
00:27:39,309 --> 00:27:42,661
I, I'm sorry to bother you
while you're on vacation
571
00:27:42,661 --> 00:27:44,750
with Mama and Laney,
572
00:27:44,750 --> 00:27:48,231
but I'm gonna really
need you to call me.
573
00:27:50,538 --> 00:27:52,671
[clicks tongue] Bye.
574
00:27:52,671 --> 00:27:55,674
[crickets chirping]
575
00:28:10,863 --> 00:28:15,868
[sighs] What am I
supposed to do with you?
576
00:28:16,651 --> 00:28:18,914
[phone chimes]
577
00:28:20,263 --> 00:28:23,266
[Gilda Sue sighs]
578
00:28:23,266 --> 00:28:26,313
[phone chimes]
579
00:28:26,313 --> 00:28:29,142
[Gilda Sue sighs]
580
00:28:30,230 --> 00:28:33,320
[dreamy eerie music]
581
00:28:38,542 --> 00:28:41,110
[pen thudding]
582
00:28:44,113 --> 00:28:46,942
[Gilda Sue sighs]
583
00:28:50,990 --> 00:28:53,209
[birds chirping]
584
00:28:53,209 --> 00:28:56,560
[bouncy ringtone music]
585
00:29:01,130 --> 00:29:04,133
[Gilda Sue exhales]
586
00:29:10,444 --> 00:29:11,924
Hey, Mama.
587
00:29:11,924 --> 00:29:14,013
- Oh, Gilda Sue, thank
God you're there.
588
00:29:14,013 --> 00:29:15,144
- What's the matter?
589
00:29:15,144 --> 00:29:16,929
- I'm comin' home early.
590
00:29:16,929 --> 00:29:20,759
Your daddy and I are
finally done. Really done.
591
00:29:20,759 --> 00:29:23,457
- Okay, you called
to tell me that?
592
00:29:23,457 --> 00:29:25,285
Well, what time is it?
593
00:29:25,285 --> 00:29:27,809
- No, I called to tell
you what misfortune
594
00:29:27,809 --> 00:29:29,768
has befallen your poor mother,
595
00:29:29,768 --> 00:29:32,161
driving her prematurely
from her lover
596
00:29:32,161 --> 00:29:34,207
- Oy.
- and her dream vacation,
597
00:29:34,207 --> 00:29:36,209
leaving her with a broken heart.
598
00:29:36,209 --> 00:29:38,254
- Mama?
- And a broken neck!
599
00:29:38,254 --> 00:29:40,604
- Wait, [stammering]
what? A broken neck?
600
00:29:40,604 --> 00:29:41,649
- Well, nearly broken.
601
00:29:41,649 --> 00:29:43,129
- What?
602
00:29:43,129 --> 00:29:44,913
- It was terrible.
I'm lucky to be alive.
603
00:29:44,913 --> 00:29:47,786
- Mama, slow down just a minute
and tell me what happened.
604
00:29:47,786 --> 00:29:49,048
- Well, those turtles.
605
00:29:49,048 --> 00:29:50,223
- What turtles?
606
00:29:50,223 --> 00:29:51,702
- Those giant Galapagos turtles.
607
00:29:51,702 --> 00:29:52,965
- What about 'em?
608
00:29:52,965 --> 00:29:54,793
- They said they were docile.
609
00:29:54,793 --> 00:29:56,316
- What? They can talk?
610
00:29:56,316 --> 00:29:58,274
- Of course not,
Gilda Sue. Lord God.
611
00:29:58,274 --> 00:29:59,449
- Well, then what?
612
00:29:59,449 --> 00:30:00,363
- Your mother was attacked!
613
00:30:00,363 --> 00:30:01,887
- Attacked?
614
00:30:01,887 --> 00:30:04,759
- Yes, attacked!
By a giant turtle.
615
00:30:04,759 --> 00:30:08,154
[mysterious orchestral music]
616
00:30:08,154 --> 00:30:09,938
[Gilda Sue gasps]
617
00:30:09,938 --> 00:30:10,809
Gilda Sue?
618
00:30:12,375 --> 00:30:13,202
Gilda Sue?
619
00:30:21,036 --> 00:30:22,168
- Nunz?
620
00:30:22,168 --> 00:30:23,169
I wrote in it.
621
00:30:23,169 --> 00:30:24,997
- [Nunzia] The book?
622
00:30:24,997 --> 00:30:26,085
- I wrote in it, and I think
I made something happen.
623
00:30:26,085 --> 00:30:27,608
Something bad.
- Shh!
624
00:30:27,608 --> 00:30:29,131
- Thanks, Nunzia, I'll
see you next week.
625
00:30:29,131 --> 00:30:30,002
- I'll be here.
626
00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:34,093
Put that thing away.
627
00:30:34,093 --> 00:30:36,138
Come over to the couch.
628
00:30:36,138 --> 00:30:38,140
[sighs] You look a wreck.
629
00:30:38,140 --> 00:30:39,881
- I am a wreck. Oy!
630
00:30:39,881 --> 00:30:41,491
I'm shvitzing.
631
00:30:41,491 --> 00:30:42,928
- Sit down.
632
00:30:42,928 --> 00:30:45,887
[light synth music]
633
00:30:45,887 --> 00:30:46,932
- What am I gonna-
634
00:30:46,932 --> 00:30:48,150
- Lower your voice.
635
00:30:49,717 --> 00:30:51,327
- [Gilda Sue] What
am I gonna do?
636
00:30:51,327 --> 00:30:53,416
- I don't even wanna
know what you've done,
637
00:30:53,416 --> 00:30:56,593
but Gilda Sue, you can't play
around with stuff like this.
638
00:30:56,593 --> 00:30:57,856
You gotta protect yourself.
639
00:30:57,856 --> 00:30:59,727
- Oy vey!
640
00:30:59,727 --> 00:31:01,816
- Listen, I'm gonna give
you a Ten Commandments mani.
641
00:31:03,209 --> 00:31:04,732
- What's a Ten
Commandments mani?
642
00:31:04,732 --> 00:31:07,996
- It's a Siciola family
manicure tradition.
643
00:31:07,996 --> 00:31:10,085
One commandment
for every finger.
644
00:31:10,085 --> 00:31:14,524
Keeps you focused, and like
the horn, it wards off evil.
645
00:31:14,524 --> 00:31:16,048
- Like a magic spell?
646
00:31:16,048 --> 00:31:18,050
- No, not like a magic spell!
647
00:31:18,050 --> 00:31:20,095
Like a prayer! Jesus!
648
00:31:20,095 --> 00:31:23,403
- The Ten Commandments
right at my fingertips.
649
00:31:23,403 --> 00:31:25,971
I do tend to forget
'em sometimes,
650
00:31:25,971 --> 00:31:29,409
like that one about coveting
my neighbor's donkey.
651
00:31:29,409 --> 00:31:31,324
- What? That's
not a commandment.
652
00:31:31,324 --> 00:31:32,368
- Oh yeah, yeah, it is.
653
00:31:32,368 --> 00:31:33,892
- No.
654
00:31:33,892 --> 00:31:36,503
There's no murder, no
lying, no stealing,
655
00:31:36,503 --> 00:31:38,374
no snickering in
Sister Mary Francis's
656
00:31:38,374 --> 00:31:39,898
personal hygiene class-
657
00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:41,682
- Don't take the
Lord's name in vain.
658
00:31:41,682 --> 00:31:43,379
- Christ! That's
the one I forget.
659
00:31:43,379 --> 00:31:46,556
Um, there's, uh,
greed, envy, and lust.
660
00:31:46,556 --> 00:31:48,776
- There's the one
about tearing down
661
00:31:48,776 --> 00:31:50,734
the altars of foreigners.
662
00:31:50,734 --> 00:31:53,433
And then there's that other
one about unleavened bread.
663
00:31:53,433 --> 00:31:54,651
- Where are you
getting these from?
664
00:31:54,651 --> 00:31:55,696
- Rabbi Spiderman.
665
00:31:57,089 --> 00:31:59,743
- Look, I'm just
gonna put one number
666
00:31:59,743 --> 00:32:01,484
on every one of your fingers.
667
00:32:01,484 --> 00:32:03,573
It'll be up to you to
remember what they stand for.
668
00:32:03,573 --> 00:32:05,445
[Gilda Sue exhales]
669
00:32:05,445 --> 00:32:06,272
- Thank you.
670
00:32:07,795 --> 00:32:09,492
- And then get rid
of that damn book.
671
00:32:10,841 --> 00:32:13,975
[somber string music]
672
00:32:34,691 --> 00:32:38,086
[romantic string music]
673
00:33:56,643 --> 00:33:59,950
[upbeat pop music
with male vocalist]
674
00:34:11,788 --> 00:34:14,922
You were working
the late night shift
675
00:34:14,922 --> 00:34:18,056
As a Waffle House waitress
676
00:34:18,056 --> 00:34:20,493
You spilled a cup
of coffee on me
677
00:34:20,493 --> 00:34:24,279
Before we could speak
678
00:34:24,279 --> 00:34:27,543
You told me that you
just could not win
679
00:34:27,543 --> 00:34:30,677
Your manager said
leave your apron
680
00:34:30,677 --> 00:34:34,028
You said that was the
third job you had lost
681
00:34:34,028 --> 00:34:37,205
That week
682
00:34:37,205 --> 00:34:40,513
I followed you to your car
683
00:34:40,513 --> 00:34:44,821
I handed you my heart and said
684
00:34:44,821 --> 00:34:48,390
You want it, you got it
685
00:34:48,390 --> 00:34:51,350
Give me your number,
and I'll call it
686
00:34:51,350 --> 00:34:55,354
You got it if you want it all
687
00:35:04,232 --> 00:35:07,670
You want it, you got it
688
00:35:07,670 --> 00:35:10,499
Give me your number,
and I'll call it
689
00:35:10,499 --> 00:35:15,504
You got it if you want it all
690
00:35:17,332 --> 00:35:20,553
You were working
on the night shift
691
00:35:20,553 --> 00:35:23,382
As a Waffle House waitress
You want it, you got it
692
00:35:23,382 --> 00:35:27,386
You got it if you want it all
693
00:35:36,786 --> 00:35:39,485
- [Gilda Sue] And then
he takes my hand in his,
694
00:35:39,485 --> 00:35:42,531
looks deeply into my
eyes, and he says,
695
00:35:42,531 --> 00:35:44,794
"It's like magic, isn't it?"
696
00:35:44,794 --> 00:35:46,318
- [Pearl] Girl.
697
00:35:46,318 --> 00:35:47,884
- Y'all, he's a real
life TV producer.
698
00:35:47,884 --> 00:35:50,409
He's gonna put my
show on the TV.
699
00:35:50,409 --> 00:35:52,976
And it is like
magic. It's the book.
700
00:35:52,976 --> 00:35:57,024
I conjured him with the book.
701
00:35:57,024 --> 00:35:58,547
Y'all should try it.
702
00:35:58,547 --> 00:36:00,114
- I want no part of
your black magic.
703
00:36:00,114 --> 00:36:01,985
- Oh, Nunz. Now he'll
be here any minute.
704
00:36:01,985 --> 00:36:06,338
Be happy for me. I finally
got my Mr. Right after all.
705
00:36:06,338 --> 00:36:09,863
And pretty soon, I'm gonna
have fame and fortune.
706
00:36:09,863 --> 00:36:11,125
This rocks.
707
00:36:11,125 --> 00:36:12,126
- Hey!
708
00:36:12,126 --> 00:36:13,649
- Donna Sue O'Donahue.
709
00:36:13,649 --> 00:36:15,825
- Oh, Mama, thank
God you're okay.
710
00:36:15,825 --> 00:36:18,785
- Gilda Sue, where'd you get
that dress? You look pregnant.
711
00:36:18,785 --> 00:36:21,091
- I'm not pregnant, Mama.
712
00:36:21,091 --> 00:36:22,354
- Well, of course
you're not pregnant.
713
00:36:22,354 --> 00:36:24,182
You need a man to be pregnant.
714
00:36:25,922 --> 00:36:28,011
- Actually, I'm glad
you're your same old self.
715
00:36:28,011 --> 00:36:30,231
- Oh, no, I'm better than ever.
716
00:36:31,928 --> 00:36:34,496
I suffered great injuries
from my accident,
717
00:36:36,324 --> 00:36:39,501
but I took it to the Lord
in prayer and it paid off.
718
00:36:39,501 --> 00:36:42,809
Just wait until you
meet my new man.
719
00:36:42,809 --> 00:36:44,332
- You got a man just by prayin'?
720
00:36:44,332 --> 00:36:47,379
- And surfing the net.
Can you believe it?
721
00:36:47,379 --> 00:36:50,338
Mr. Right was on
muh-face the whole time.
722
00:36:50,338 --> 00:36:52,514
- Gilda Sue found
a Mr. Right too.
723
00:36:52,514 --> 00:36:54,212
We're all about to meet him.
724
00:36:54,212 --> 00:36:55,038
- No.
725
00:36:55,038 --> 00:36:56,257
- Yes.
726
00:36:56,257 --> 00:36:57,824
He's a real mensch.
727
00:36:57,824 --> 00:36:59,782
He's real dreamy.
He's real real cute.
728
00:36:59,782 --> 00:37:02,002
He's real real rich.
He's a TV producer-
729
00:37:02,002 --> 00:37:04,439
- That sounds too
good to be true.
730
00:37:04,439 --> 00:37:07,094
- And he's gonna
give me a TV show.
731
00:37:07,094 --> 00:37:08,748
I'm just gonna text
him one more time
732
00:37:08,748 --> 00:37:10,619
and find out what's keepin' him.
733
00:37:10,619 --> 00:37:14,232
- [Pearl] Late so
soon? Not a good sign.
734
00:37:15,407 --> 00:37:19,324
- An honest-to-god real TV show?
735
00:37:19,324 --> 00:37:20,412
What's his name?
736
00:37:20,412 --> 00:37:22,501
- Manfred Reitz.
737
00:37:22,501 --> 00:37:24,546
- Well, I'm glad I stopped by.
738
00:37:25,765 --> 00:37:27,332
You know, sweetie,
739
00:37:27,332 --> 00:37:31,510
you and I would be
terrific together on TV.
740
00:37:31,510 --> 00:37:34,469
[gasps] We could do a
mother/daughter thing.
741
00:37:34,469 --> 00:37:38,778
- What? No, Mama, I am
the one who has a TV show.
742
00:37:38,778 --> 00:37:42,216
Me! And he's gonna
tell you all about it.
743
00:37:44,914 --> 00:37:46,568
Whenever he arrives.
744
00:37:46,568 --> 00:37:48,266
- If he arrives.
745
00:37:48,266 --> 00:37:51,007
- He'll be here,
Nunz. Just wait.
746
00:37:51,007 --> 00:37:54,010
[soft mellow music]
747
00:38:03,281 --> 00:38:04,456
He'll be here.
748
00:38:08,416 --> 00:38:13,421
[soft somber music]
[broom whooshing]
749
00:38:21,429 --> 00:38:24,345
[gentle sad music]
750
00:39:02,949 --> 00:39:06,605
- Mama, I know the slow fade
when I see the slow fade,
751
00:39:06,605 --> 00:39:09,434
and Mr. Reitz is not
giving me the slow fade.
752
00:39:09,434 --> 00:39:11,218
[phone beeps]
- Okay, sweetie.
753
00:39:11,218 --> 00:39:12,654
Whatever you say.
- Mama, I gotta go, okay?
754
00:39:12,654 --> 00:39:13,829
- Well, don't
forget. Channel 81.
755
00:39:15,788 --> 00:39:16,615
[phone beeps]
756
00:39:16,615 --> 00:39:18,181
- Hey.
757
00:39:18,181 --> 00:39:20,706
- Okay, so have you
heard from Mr. Wrongs?
758
00:39:20,706 --> 00:39:23,099
- No, it's the slow fade.
759
00:39:23,099 --> 00:39:25,754
- That was the fast fade.
760
00:39:25,754 --> 00:39:27,843
- Oy, Mama was right.
761
00:39:27,843 --> 00:39:29,758
[gasps] Oh, Mama.
762
00:39:29,758 --> 00:39:31,325
- What?
763
00:39:31,325 --> 00:39:33,022
- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,
764
00:39:33,022 --> 00:39:35,721
the Burning Ham from Birmingham
765
00:39:35,721 --> 00:39:38,811
and Donna Sue O'Donahue in...
766
00:39:38,811 --> 00:39:40,639
- What?
- What?
767
00:39:40,639 --> 00:39:44,904
- [Announcer] The No Holds
Barred Hallelujah Smack Down.
768
00:39:44,904 --> 00:39:48,298
- Satan, I'm gonna give you
the Pork Grinder. [grunts]
769
00:39:48,298 --> 00:39:50,953
And then, I'm gonna
give you the Hambone.
770
00:39:50,953 --> 00:39:52,477
Get behind me, Satan.
771
00:39:52,477 --> 00:39:54,522
I'm gonna go into God's
convenience store,
772
00:39:54,522 --> 00:39:57,220
and I'm gonna get a
good Big Gulp of God.
773
00:39:57,220 --> 00:39:59,005
That's right, I'm
gonna drink it down,
774
00:39:59,005 --> 00:40:00,746
and I'm gonna feel refreshed.
775
00:40:00,746 --> 00:40:02,704
And I'm gonna say,
"Lord oh mercy,
776
00:40:02,704 --> 00:40:06,099
this is some of the best
Big Gulp I ever had."
777
00:40:06,099 --> 00:40:07,361
I see you sleepin'.
778
00:40:07,361 --> 00:40:09,407
- That's Mama's new man?
779
00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:10,973
- What's going on?
780
00:40:10,973 --> 00:40:13,062
- [The Burning Ham]
Clean up your act.
781
00:40:13,062 --> 00:40:14,716
- [Announcer] A Manfred
Reitz production.
782
00:40:15,935 --> 00:40:17,719
- Mr. Reitz?
783
00:40:17,719 --> 00:40:21,114
- Grab up your Bibles,
good news grapplers.
784
00:40:21,114 --> 00:40:23,203
We got some wrastlin' to do.
[electricity buzzing]
785
00:40:23,203 --> 00:40:24,204
When you wrastle with Satan-
786
00:40:24,204 --> 00:40:25,031
[electricity whooshes]
787
00:40:25,031 --> 00:40:26,424
- [gasps] Uh oh.
788
00:40:26,424 --> 00:40:27,555
- What?
789
00:40:27,555 --> 00:40:28,861
- My lights just went out.
790
00:40:28,861 --> 00:40:30,428
- Really?
791
00:40:30,428 --> 00:40:31,516
- It's my deadline
for my phone too.
792
00:40:34,301 --> 00:40:35,128
Hello?
793
00:40:37,347 --> 00:40:38,174
Hey, Nunz?
794
00:40:41,090 --> 00:40:43,919
[Gilda Sue sighs]
795
00:40:48,228 --> 00:40:50,491
[Gilda Sue breathing shakily]
796
00:40:50,491 --> 00:40:54,364
Nunzia and Pearl were
right. What was I thinkin'?
797
00:41:05,419 --> 00:41:06,420
[dramatic piano chord]
798
00:41:06,420 --> 00:41:09,249
[Gilda Sue shrieks]
799
00:41:24,656 --> 00:41:28,573
- [sighs] Your
piano's out of tune.
800
00:41:30,705 --> 00:41:32,968
- What are you
doing in my house?
801
00:41:34,535 --> 00:41:36,145
- You left the keys in the door.
802
00:41:36,145 --> 00:41:37,756
- What do you want?
803
00:41:37,756 --> 00:41:38,931
- Excuse me?
804
00:41:38,931 --> 00:41:39,758
- [Gilda Sue] What do you want?
805
00:41:39,758 --> 00:41:40,933
- Say it again.
806
00:41:40,933 --> 00:41:42,456
- [Gilda Sue] What do you want?
807
00:41:42,456 --> 00:41:43,544
- Million dollar
question, Gilda Sue.
808
00:41:45,111 --> 00:41:46,373
- Who are you?
809
00:41:46,373 --> 00:41:47,853
- [scoffs] Even better.
810
00:41:50,290 --> 00:41:51,291
- I'm lost.
811
00:41:52,597 --> 00:41:53,772
- Who are you?
812
00:41:53,772 --> 00:41:55,904
What do you want?
813
00:41:55,904 --> 00:41:57,906
And what the hell
are you doing here?
814
00:42:02,258 --> 00:42:04,130
- I'd like to return this book.
815
00:42:04,130 --> 00:42:06,132
- Really? Why's that?
816
00:42:07,786 --> 00:42:09,614
- [Gilda Sue] It's evil.
817
00:42:09,614 --> 00:42:13,052
- Oh, okay, I see.
818
00:42:14,532 --> 00:42:17,796
Book does a number on
Mama, book's not so bad.
819
00:42:19,537 --> 00:42:24,411
The book does a number on Gilda
Sue, book very bad indeed.
820
00:42:25,325 --> 00:42:26,326
- That is not fair!
821
00:42:26,326 --> 00:42:27,153
- [The Man] It ain't?
822
00:42:27,153 --> 00:42:28,720
- No!
823
00:42:28,720 --> 00:42:29,895
- The book's not the
problem, Gilda Sue.
824
00:42:31,287 --> 00:42:32,462
The book's just a tool.
825
00:42:35,378 --> 00:42:36,858
- What are you sayin'?
826
00:42:41,210 --> 00:42:42,037
- Who are you?
827
00:42:43,604 --> 00:42:44,953
What do you want?
828
00:42:46,433 --> 00:42:48,000
And what the hell
are you doing here?
829
00:42:49,784 --> 00:42:50,785
- But-
- Shh!
830
00:42:52,047 --> 00:42:52,874
- I-
- Shh, shh, shh,
831
00:42:52,874 --> 00:42:54,049
shh, shh, shh.
832
00:42:56,138 --> 00:42:57,139
The book, Gilda Sue.
833
00:42:58,706 --> 00:42:59,577
The book.
834
00:43:01,143 --> 00:43:04,843
Save it for the book.
835
00:43:06,801 --> 00:43:09,891
[footsteps thumping]
836
00:43:14,548 --> 00:43:16,942
[door thuds]
837
00:43:18,378 --> 00:43:20,946
[Gilda Sue breathing shakily]
838
00:43:20,946 --> 00:43:21,947
- Oh!
839
00:43:21,947 --> 00:43:25,037
[somber string music]
840
00:43:50,889 --> 00:43:52,499
- It sleeps pretty good.
841
00:43:52,499 --> 00:43:54,806
I'm only ever on it when
I'm too drunk to drive.
842
00:43:54,806 --> 00:43:55,850
- I'm sure it's fine.
843
00:43:57,330 --> 00:43:58,505
- Alright, if you really
wanna start tomorrow,
844
00:43:58,505 --> 00:44:00,986
we can use you, double shift.
845
00:44:00,986 --> 00:44:02,509
- Sounds perfect.
846
00:44:02,509 --> 00:44:04,163
- Alright, good night.
847
00:44:04,163 --> 00:44:04,990
- 'Night.
848
00:44:08,950 --> 00:44:12,519
[melancholic string music]
849
00:44:32,191 --> 00:44:35,455
[curious string music]
850
00:45:11,099 --> 00:45:13,449
- [Rabbi Spiderman] It's
up to you, Gilda Sue.
851
00:45:13,449 --> 00:45:14,929
- [Senor La Casa] Well,
that's up to you, Gilda Sue.
852
00:45:14,929 --> 00:45:17,584
- [The Man] That's
up to you, Gilda Sue.
853
00:45:17,584 --> 00:45:20,718
[upbeat string music]
854
00:45:32,294 --> 00:45:34,775
[water plops]
855
00:45:56,666 --> 00:45:59,800
[comical piano music]
856
00:46:44,497 --> 00:46:45,498
[mellow jazz music]
857
00:46:45,498 --> 00:46:46,499
- Has it been that long?
858
00:46:46,499 --> 00:46:47,326
- It's been 20 minutes.
859
00:46:47,326 --> 00:46:48,327
- I'm on Yelp.
860
00:46:48,327 --> 00:46:49,502
- Hello, lovelies.
861
00:46:49,502 --> 00:46:50,982
I'm Gilda Sue Rosenstern.
862
00:46:51,939 --> 00:46:53,158
Welcome to Bitch!
863
00:46:55,595 --> 00:46:58,554
I'm just tickled pink to be
here. Thank you for joining us.
864
00:47:00,165 --> 00:47:02,167
Can I get y'all anything
to drink to start?
865
00:47:02,167 --> 00:47:06,127
- Yeah, I would like a
caffeine-free diet lime cola.
866
00:47:06,127 --> 00:47:08,477
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't have that.
867
00:47:08,477 --> 00:47:10,044
- You don't?
868
00:47:10,044 --> 00:47:12,525
- No, I have the regular
cola and the diet cola.
869
00:47:12,525 --> 00:47:16,659
- You don't have any
caffeine-free diet
lime colas at all?
870
00:47:16,659 --> 00:47:18,400
- Oh, at all? No.
871
00:47:20,446 --> 00:47:23,101
- Okay, so we'll both
have coffee, I guess.
872
00:47:23,101 --> 00:47:25,016
- [Ms. Hot Coffee] Yes.
873
00:47:27,583 --> 00:47:30,195
- Wait, what, I, you
guess? I don't...
874
00:47:30,195 --> 00:47:32,110
I mean, when you say you guess,
875
00:47:32,110 --> 00:47:33,894
it makes me think you
don't really know,
876
00:47:33,894 --> 00:47:37,506
and then I don't know if I
should get the coffee for real.
877
00:47:37,506 --> 00:47:39,204
- We'll have coffee.
878
00:47:39,204 --> 00:47:41,162
It's gotta be fresh and hot.
879
00:47:41,162 --> 00:47:42,947
Is it hot and fresh?
880
00:47:42,947 --> 00:47:44,122
- Yeah.
881
00:47:44,122 --> 00:47:45,123
- It needs to be hot and fresh.
882
00:47:47,560 --> 00:47:48,648
- You waitin on that.
883
00:47:50,476 --> 00:47:51,694
You better pick one.
884
00:47:51,694 --> 00:47:53,348
Hot or fresh, not and.
885
00:47:54,436 --> 00:47:57,091
[comical music]
886
00:48:13,368 --> 00:48:14,935
- Ladies.
887
00:48:14,935 --> 00:48:17,503
- Great, good. Is this
fresh, and is it hot?
888
00:48:17,503 --> 00:48:18,808
- [gasps] Crab cakes!
889
00:48:18,808 --> 00:48:20,462
- Oh, really? Is it decaf?
890
00:48:20,462 --> 00:48:21,986
- You know what?
891
00:48:21,986 --> 00:48:23,509
We're from Maryland, so
we always like to ask,
892
00:48:23,509 --> 00:48:25,032
do your crab cakes
have a lot of filler?
893
00:48:25,032 --> 00:48:26,904
- Oh, not a lot, I don't think.
894
00:48:26,904 --> 00:48:31,256
- Hmm, you see, because whenever
I see crab cakes on a menu,
895
00:48:31,256 --> 00:48:33,127
you know, any place
other than Maryland,
896
00:48:33,127 --> 00:48:35,913
we always wonder if they
have any crab in them,
897
00:48:35,913 --> 00:48:37,392
actually, at all.
898
00:48:37,392 --> 00:48:39,003
- Uh, well, yeah,
they've got crab in 'em.
899
00:48:39,003 --> 00:48:40,613
They're crab cakes.
900
00:48:40,613 --> 00:48:42,920
- Well, we like to ask,
are they mostly filler,
901
00:48:42,920 --> 00:48:44,747
or are they mostly crab?
902
00:48:44,747 --> 00:48:48,360
Because we're from Maryland,
and well, is this decaf?
903
00:48:48,360 --> 00:48:52,538
- Well, it's mostly crab, and
no, that's, that's regular.
904
00:48:52,538 --> 00:48:53,539
- Really?
- How do you know?
905
00:48:53,539 --> 00:48:54,844
- I made that myself.
906
00:48:54,844 --> 00:48:56,455
Not the crab cakes, but, um,
907
00:48:56,455 --> 00:48:58,674
I do know there is some filler
908
00:48:58,674 --> 00:48:59,937
in crab cakes.
- Ah, there you go.
909
00:48:59,937 --> 00:49:01,373
There you go.
910
00:49:01,373 --> 00:49:03,288
So she admits -- mostly
filler. I knew it.
911
00:49:03,288 --> 00:49:05,551
- We're from Maryland.
Maryland crab cakes are crab-
912
00:49:05,551 --> 00:49:07,031
- I don't care where
you're from, ma'am.
913
00:49:07,031 --> 00:49:08,946
I'm sorry, but they
are crab cakes.
914
00:49:08,946 --> 00:49:11,296
The crab is the crab part.
The cake is the cake part.
915
00:49:11,296 --> 00:49:13,080
If there wasn't any filler
at all, it'd just be crab,
916
00:49:13,080 --> 00:49:14,255
but it's not just crab!
917
00:49:14,255 --> 00:49:15,648
It's crab cakes! Crab cakes!
918
00:49:15,648 --> 00:49:16,997
Crab! Cakes!
919
00:49:16,997 --> 00:49:20,000
[mellow jazz music]
920
00:49:22,655 --> 00:49:24,700
I'm just gonna give y'all
another minute or two
921
00:49:24,700 --> 00:49:26,354
to look at the menu.
922
00:49:28,443 --> 00:49:29,618
- Is your coffee even hot?
923
00:49:29,618 --> 00:49:30,968
- Okay, it's actually too hot,
924
00:49:30,968 --> 00:49:32,099
but it's definitely not fresh.
925
00:49:32,099 --> 00:49:33,100
Don't drink that.
926
00:49:33,100 --> 00:49:34,972
What was her name again?
927
00:49:34,972 --> 00:49:36,843
- [Ms. Hot Coffee] Oh, I
know what it is. Patsy Jo!
928
00:49:36,843 --> 00:49:39,933
[glasses shattering]
929
00:49:39,933 --> 00:49:42,675
- [Pearl] Gilda
Sue, you are cut!
930
00:49:44,938 --> 00:49:47,201
[dishes clattering]
931
00:49:47,201 --> 00:49:48,028
Gilda Sue!
932
00:49:51,031 --> 00:49:53,120
Your daddy's
secretary just called.
933
00:49:53,120 --> 00:49:54,774
- Here? For me?
934
00:49:54,774 --> 00:49:56,819
- He wants to see you in
his office right away.
935
00:49:56,819 --> 00:49:59,605
- [gasps] I wonder how
he knew to find me here.
936
00:49:59,605 --> 00:50:01,433
- Go on! Scoot!
937
00:50:01,433 --> 00:50:03,261
Your second shift
starts at five.
938
00:50:03,261 --> 00:50:04,088
- Oy!
939
00:50:05,393 --> 00:50:08,483
[quirky piano music]
940
00:50:22,149 --> 00:50:25,239
[footsteps tapping]
941
00:50:25,239 --> 00:50:27,720
- [Receptionist] You need
to sign in, Gilda Sue!
942
00:50:27,720 --> 00:50:29,113
- [Gilda Sue] Put it on my tab.
943
00:50:30,592 --> 00:50:33,117
- Max, you just come
anytime you want.
944
00:50:33,117 --> 00:50:35,119
No appointment necessary.
945
00:50:35,119 --> 00:50:37,034
That includes your
wife, your children,
946
00:50:37,034 --> 00:50:38,644
your dog, and your neighbor.
947
00:50:38,644 --> 00:50:40,080
Just walk on in.
948
00:50:40,080 --> 00:50:41,255
Absolutely, don't worry.
[knocker banging]
949
00:50:41,255 --> 00:50:42,300
Come in.
- Gilda Sue.
950
00:50:44,041 --> 00:50:45,955
- Ah, there's my
beautiful daughter.
951
00:50:45,955 --> 00:50:48,306
Max, I'm gonna
have to let you go.
952
00:50:48,306 --> 00:50:49,481
Okay.
953
00:50:49,481 --> 00:50:51,004
There's my bubala.
954
00:50:51,004 --> 00:50:54,094
- Daddy, have you gotten
any of my messages?
955
00:50:54,094 --> 00:50:55,965
- Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie.
956
00:50:55,965 --> 00:50:58,185
Everything's been
mishegoss lately.
957
00:50:58,185 --> 00:50:59,969
- It's that Laney
Druffle, isn't it?
958
00:50:59,969 --> 00:51:03,973
- Don't worry about
Laney. I'll handle her.
959
00:51:03,973 --> 00:51:06,715
- [gasps] Oh, Daddy, oh.
960
00:51:06,715 --> 00:51:07,760
Thank you.
961
00:51:07,760 --> 00:51:09,240
- Now.
- Oh.
962
00:51:09,240 --> 00:51:11,285
- I want you to go
and hand in your apron
963
00:51:11,285 --> 00:51:15,115
and go back to doing
whatever it is you do.
964
00:51:15,115 --> 00:51:18,205
And I don't wanna hear
anymore about waitressing.
965
00:51:18,205 --> 00:51:19,815
Do you understand?
966
00:51:19,815 --> 00:51:21,382
- How did you know
about that anyway?
967
00:51:21,382 --> 00:51:23,341
- Honey, news of Zach
Rosenstern's daughter
968
00:51:23,341 --> 00:51:25,169
travels fast in this town.
969
00:51:25,169 --> 00:51:26,300
- Really?
970
00:51:26,300 --> 00:51:28,563
[gasps] Zelda Weinberg.
971
00:51:28,563 --> 00:51:30,739
She was in this morning.
I knew it was her.
972
00:51:30,739 --> 00:51:32,959
- Morty Weinberg called
me this afternoon.
973
00:51:32,959 --> 00:51:36,441
That wife of his is making
sure that everyone knows
974
00:51:36,441 --> 00:51:40,749
you're slinging hash
in that . . . tavern.
975
00:51:40,749 --> 00:51:42,229
- So?
976
00:51:42,229 --> 00:51:43,535
- Do you know what Morty
and Zelda's daughter
977
00:51:43,535 --> 00:51:46,364
is doing right now?
978
00:51:46,364 --> 00:51:47,800
Right now?
979
00:51:47,800 --> 00:51:49,628
- Probably nothin'.
980
00:51:49,628 --> 00:51:53,327
- Exactly. Her gynecologist
husband is making sure of that .
981
00:51:53,327 --> 00:51:56,330
You don't have a
gynecologist husband.
982
00:51:57,418 --> 00:51:59,812
- Daddy, are you ashamed of me?
983
00:51:59,812 --> 00:52:01,379
- [Daddy] Of course not, hon.
984
00:52:01,379 --> 00:52:03,511
- I mean, I'm not
a total schlemiel.
985
00:52:06,732 --> 00:52:08,690
Daddy. [exhales]
986
00:52:08,690 --> 00:52:10,605
I know you thought
I'd have been married
987
00:52:10,605 --> 00:52:12,912
to a real mensch by now.
988
00:52:12,912 --> 00:52:14,392
Me too.
989
00:52:14,392 --> 00:52:16,263
The only thing I
see myself marrying
990
00:52:16,263 --> 00:52:18,439
in the near future is ketchup.
991
00:52:18,439 --> 00:52:22,400
But, Daddy, I can't
live my whole life
992
00:52:22,400 --> 00:52:24,445
just worryin' about what
your more successful
993
00:52:24,445 --> 00:52:26,317
former business
partners might think.
994
00:52:26,317 --> 00:52:29,146
- Morty Weinberg is not
more successful than I am.
995
00:52:29,146 --> 00:52:30,843
- The truth of the matter is...
996
00:52:33,802 --> 00:52:35,456
Daddy, for the first
time in my life,
997
00:52:35,456 --> 00:52:37,241
I'm actually proud of myself.
998
00:52:46,163 --> 00:52:47,642
So, if you'll excuse me,
999
00:52:49,383 --> 00:52:51,603
I have a dinner date with
some ketchup bottles.
1000
00:52:53,387 --> 00:52:56,564
[bright lively music]
1001
00:53:02,179 --> 00:53:04,790
Hey! Pearl, I'm sorry I'm late.
1002
00:53:04,790 --> 00:53:07,662
I just have to run to the
potty, and then I'm good to go.
1003
00:53:07,662 --> 00:53:09,490
- [Pearl] Hurry up!
1004
00:53:09,490 --> 00:53:12,145
And you're in station
three tonight, Gilda Sue.
1005
00:53:12,145 --> 00:53:17,106
[soft string music]
[diners chattering]
1006
00:53:18,760 --> 00:53:21,546
- Excuse me. Did he
just call you Gilda Sue?
1007
00:53:21,546 --> 00:53:23,200
Your name is Gilda Sue?
1008
00:53:23,200 --> 00:53:25,463
- Rosenstern, yeah.
1009
00:53:25,463 --> 00:53:28,074
- Of the "Gilda Sue Rosenstern
Computer Internet Show?"
1010
00:53:28,074 --> 00:53:29,423
- It is you.
1011
00:53:29,423 --> 00:53:30,859
- We've been looking for you.
1012
00:53:30,859 --> 00:53:32,731
- Oh, uh. [chuckles]
1013
00:53:32,731 --> 00:53:34,428
What credit card
company are y'all from?
1014
00:53:34,428 --> 00:53:36,604
- We're from Shrew! Magazine.
1015
00:53:36,604 --> 00:53:39,216
- [gasps] Shrew!?
1016
00:53:40,652 --> 00:53:42,436
I love Shrew!
1017
00:53:42,436 --> 00:53:45,222
- Everyone in the office
thinks your show is a scream.
1018
00:53:45,222 --> 00:53:48,007
Oh, we especially love the
vaginal weights episode.
1019
00:53:48,007 --> 00:53:50,139
- Y'all watch my show?
1020
00:53:50,139 --> 00:53:52,185
- How would you like
to kick it up a notch?
1021
00:53:52,185 --> 00:53:56,102
- Shrew! is branching out
into the world of new media.
1022
00:53:56,102 --> 00:53:57,799
- The computer internet!
1023
00:53:57,799 --> 00:54:00,628
- And we're starting
off with a web series,
1024
00:54:00,628 --> 00:54:03,631
a reality show featuring
a day in the life
1025
00:54:03,631 --> 00:54:06,243
of a typical Shrew! Reader.
1026
00:54:06,243 --> 00:54:07,809
- You were our first choice,
1027
00:54:07,809 --> 00:54:09,855
but your webpage seems
to have gone down,
1028
00:54:09,855 --> 00:54:11,422
and we didn't know
how to reach you.
1029
00:54:11,422 --> 00:54:14,729
- Uh, well, I couldn't,
I couldn't pay the, um,
1030
00:54:16,035 --> 00:54:17,558
you know, my credit card was...
1031
00:54:17,558 --> 00:54:20,605
I have a couple things
I need to take care of.
1032
00:54:20,605 --> 00:54:22,084
Are y'all for real?
1033
00:54:22,084 --> 00:54:23,390
- We're for real.
1034
00:54:23,390 --> 00:54:24,696
Are you interested?
1035
00:54:24,696 --> 00:54:27,220
- Well, does it pay cash money?
1036
00:54:27,220 --> 00:54:29,831
- I think you'll be quite
pleased with the terms.
1037
00:54:29,831 --> 00:54:31,964
- Why don't you come down to
the office tomorrow morning?
1038
00:54:31,964 --> 00:54:34,706
We'll draw up the contract
and get the ball rolling.
1039
00:54:34,706 --> 00:54:35,533
[joyful music]
1040
00:54:43,715 --> 00:54:44,716
[tape whooshing]
1041
00:54:44,716 --> 00:54:47,632
[lively world music]
1042
00:55:02,951 --> 00:55:03,778
- Hey!
1043
00:55:06,259 --> 00:55:07,913
Hey! Look who it is.
1044
00:55:23,581 --> 00:55:27,019
- Did those Shrew! folks say
anything about the Ham and me
1045
00:55:27,019 --> 00:55:29,717
making a special
appearance or anything?
1046
00:55:29,717 --> 00:55:30,631
- No, Mama.
1047
00:55:32,111 --> 00:55:35,114
Well, not yet.
1048
00:55:35,114 --> 00:55:36,289
[fist banging]
1049
00:55:36,289 --> 00:55:37,290
- [The Burning Ham] Donna Sue?
1050
00:55:37,290 --> 00:55:38,857
- Speak of the Devil.
1051
00:55:40,598 --> 00:55:42,077
- What are y'all doing?
1052
00:55:42,077 --> 00:55:43,296
Now come on, honey,
let's go home.
1053
00:55:43,296 --> 00:55:44,428
It's getting weird out here.
1054
00:55:44,428 --> 00:55:46,168
- Well, you go on, Hammy.
1055
00:55:46,168 --> 00:55:48,954
I wanna stay and
celebrate a little longer.
1056
00:55:48,954 --> 00:55:50,434
- All right, see
you at the house.
1057
00:55:50,434 --> 00:55:53,045
- Hey, congratulations,
Tilda Lou, yeah. Oh.
1058
00:55:56,353 --> 00:56:00,052
- Your daddy and I are so
proud of you, Gilda Sue.
1059
00:56:00,052 --> 00:56:00,879
- What?
1060
00:56:02,010 --> 00:56:03,708
- Well, [exhales] really?
1061
00:56:05,231 --> 00:56:07,407
- You know, speaking
of your daddy,
1062
00:56:07,407 --> 00:56:09,540
I believe we have a
little more to talk about.
1063
00:56:09,540 --> 00:56:10,541
- Mama.
1064
00:56:10,541 --> 00:56:11,933
- Don't you forget it.
1065
00:56:20,289 --> 00:56:23,205
[knuckles tapping]
1066
00:56:24,293 --> 00:56:26,165
- There's somebody in here.
1067
00:56:26,165 --> 00:56:30,735
- [Senor La Casa] Gilda
Sue, is that you in there?
1068
00:56:30,735 --> 00:56:32,389
- Senor La Casa?
1069
00:56:32,389 --> 00:56:34,260
- Si.
1070
00:56:34,260 --> 00:56:37,045
I came to congratulate
you on your great fortune.
1071
00:56:37,045 --> 00:56:39,483
Hey, you're really gonna
be a bigshot TV star?
1072
00:56:39,483 --> 00:56:41,310
- Uh huh. Well, sorta.
1073
00:56:42,573 --> 00:56:45,097
- Felicidades,
senorita. You're famous.
1074
00:56:46,359 --> 00:56:47,795
- I know.
1075
00:56:47,795 --> 00:56:49,710
Well, almost.
1076
00:56:49,710 --> 00:56:52,844
- [chuckles] Hey, hey, you
found a place to stay yet?
1077
00:56:52,844 --> 00:56:54,498
I mean, because you've, uh-
1078
00:56:54,498 --> 00:56:57,370
- Because I've solved
my dinero problema?
1079
00:56:58,763 --> 00:57:01,156
No? Is my old place
still available?
1080
00:57:01,156 --> 00:57:06,161
- Ah, mi casa is su casa.
1081
00:57:06,901 --> 00:57:08,337
Gilda Sue casa!
1082
00:57:08,337 --> 00:57:10,470
- Oh, gracias, Senor.
1083
00:57:13,168 --> 00:57:15,693
[upbeat music]
1084
00:57:34,059 --> 00:57:35,974
- Congratulations, girl.
1085
00:57:35,974 --> 00:57:38,585
Don't worry about this mess.
We'll get it in the morning.
1086
00:57:38,585 --> 00:57:41,501
- Thank you, Pearl.
Oh, you're so great.
1087
00:57:41,501 --> 00:57:42,894
- You done good after all,
1088
00:57:42,894 --> 00:57:45,331
Gilda Sue.
- Oh, thank you.
1089
00:57:45,331 --> 00:57:48,160
Now you guys be
super super careful.
1090
00:57:49,466 --> 00:57:50,728
Go. You got it?
1091
00:57:54,253 --> 00:57:57,256
[Gilda Sue exhales]
1092
00:58:02,087 --> 00:58:02,914
Oh.
1093
00:58:05,699 --> 00:58:07,179
- Cut!
1094
00:58:07,179 --> 00:58:09,224
Okay, we're gonna go again.
1095
00:58:09,224 --> 00:58:11,531
And this time, could you be
a little bit less cheerful?
1096
00:58:11,531 --> 00:58:13,664
Could you be a little sadder?
1097
00:58:13,664 --> 00:58:16,841
[eerie ominous music]
1098
00:58:19,234 --> 00:58:21,628
When you go to the mailbox
and you get the mail
1099
00:58:21,628 --> 00:58:24,283
and you see that you've
gotten your monthly Shrew!
1100
00:58:24,283 --> 00:58:25,893
that's when you're joyful.
1101
00:58:25,893 --> 00:58:29,070
[eerie ominous music]
1102
00:58:30,594 --> 00:58:32,160
Gilda Sue?
1103
00:58:32,160 --> 00:58:35,076
Okay, okay. Back
to one, everybody.
1104
00:58:37,383 --> 00:58:39,516
Rolling, speed.
1105
00:58:40,517 --> 00:58:41,343
Action!
1106
00:58:42,910 --> 00:58:45,913
[slow string music]
1107
01:00:41,725 --> 01:00:43,727
- I am so sorry that I'm late.
1108
01:00:43,727 --> 01:00:48,122
I've been doing this weird
kind of cleanse last week,
1109
01:00:48,122 --> 01:00:50,559
and I'll tell you, it
makes me feel two again.
1110
01:00:50,559 --> 01:00:52,953
I've got no control
over my bowels.
1111
01:00:52,953 --> 01:00:55,042
I'm so sorry I'm late.
1112
01:00:55,042 --> 01:00:57,262
I was in the middle of
a two-hour savasana,
1113
01:00:57,262 --> 01:00:59,394
spiraling through
the astral planes
1114
01:00:59,394 --> 01:01:00,700
on the back of a silverback.
1115
01:01:00,700 --> 01:01:02,267
You would not believe it.
1116
01:01:02,267 --> 01:01:04,182
Gilda Sue, I am ever
so sorry I'm late.
1117
01:01:04,182 --> 01:01:06,663
I was at the gym, and
I was bench pressing.
1118
01:01:06,663 --> 01:01:09,535
- You know, we've been
very generosity toward you,
1119
01:01:09,535 --> 01:01:11,493
and it would break
my heart if you left.
1120
01:01:11,493 --> 01:01:13,365
I'd have an emotional scar.
1121
01:01:14,496 --> 01:01:17,064
[man laughing]
1122
01:01:21,068 --> 01:01:21,895
Take. Take eight. Three.
1123
01:01:25,420 --> 01:01:26,900
[man exhales]
1124
01:01:26,900 --> 01:01:28,859
- If I had renewed
my membership-
1125
01:01:28,859 --> 01:01:30,556
[actress cracks up]
1126
01:01:30,556 --> 01:01:31,688
- I'm sorry.
1127
01:01:31,688 --> 01:01:33,602
- That's what makes it so great.
1128
01:01:33,602 --> 01:01:36,083
Nobody in the world could
get Mr. Right off muh-face.
1129
01:01:36,083 --> 01:01:37,955
That's not the line.
1130
01:01:37,955 --> 01:01:39,870
I don't think they could get
Mr. Face off muh-face if,
1131
01:01:39,870 --> 01:01:42,350
Mister, I don't
think they could get.
1132
01:01:42,350 --> 01:01:45,049
Nobody could get Mr. Right
off muh-face if they tried.
1133
01:01:47,181 --> 01:01:48,008
- Cut.
1134
01:01:49,836 --> 01:01:52,012
She and Daddy are having the
time of their illicit lives,
1135
01:01:52,012 --> 01:01:54,972
and I have to hear about it
every blessed day they're gone.
1136
01:01:56,321 --> 01:01:57,757
[actress cracks up]
1137
01:01:57,757 --> 01:01:59,367
Cut.
1138
01:01:59,367 --> 01:02:00,891
- It's super duper
not a funny story.
1139
01:02:00,891 --> 01:02:02,370
- I might say not a funny story,
1140
01:02:02,370 --> 01:02:04,068
but it's definitely not
1141
01:02:04,068 --> 01:02:05,243
super not funny.
- What's your name again?
1142
01:02:05,243 --> 01:02:06,635
What is your first name again?
1143
01:02:06,635 --> 01:02:07,636
- Raymond.
1144
01:02:07,636 --> 01:02:10,204
[both laughing]
1145
01:02:10,204 --> 01:02:11,728
- Why was that funny? Cut.
1146
01:02:11,728 --> 01:02:13,164
- Those shoes take
you to heaven.
1147
01:02:13,164 --> 01:02:14,513
'Cause I got shoes,
you got shoes
1148
01:02:14,513 --> 01:02:16,123
All God's children got shoes
1149
01:02:16,123 --> 01:02:17,777
When I get to heaven,
gonna put on my shoes
1150
01:02:17,777 --> 01:02:19,910
Gonna go all over God's
heaven, that's right
1151
01:02:19,910 --> 01:02:21,476
- Donna Sue, can we
just have a different...
1152
01:02:21,476 --> 01:02:23,522
No, that's fine. That's
great, nevermind.
1153
01:02:23,522 --> 01:02:26,699
[crew laughing]
1154
01:02:26,699 --> 01:02:28,919
This is what a
real director does.
1155
01:02:28,919 --> 01:02:31,051
- [Crew Member] Change
everything you're doing!
1156
01:02:31,051 --> 01:02:33,271
- No! Change nothing!
1157
01:02:33,271 --> 01:02:34,576
Okay, do it again.
1158
01:02:34,576 --> 01:02:36,056
- Is that the line?
- No.
1159
01:02:36,056 --> 01:02:37,666
- What about your soul?
It needs afflicting.
1160
01:02:37,666 --> 01:02:39,407
Skipping Yom Kippur, what about-
1161
01:02:39,407 --> 01:02:40,931
- [Kelly] He's so
irritated with me,
1162
01:02:40,931 --> 01:02:42,933
and this is your
big point for me.
1163
01:02:42,933 --> 01:02:46,240
- Being irritated at this
point is not actually acting.
1164
01:02:46,240 --> 01:02:47,764
[Kelly laughing]
1165
01:02:47,764 --> 01:02:48,765
- [Kelly] Okay,
okay. Here we go.
1166
01:02:48,765 --> 01:02:50,114
- This is so much fun.
1167
01:03:08,175 --> 01:03:09,437
- [Gilda Sue] Well,
thanks so much.
1168
01:03:09,437 --> 01:03:10,612
- You take care.
- It's been a,
1169
01:03:10,612 --> 01:03:11,918
it's just been a pleasure.
1170
01:03:11,918 --> 01:03:13,790
Okay.
1171
01:03:13,790 --> 01:03:14,965
- [Mr. Lives In His Van]
Watch out for the hoodoos.
1172
01:03:14,965 --> 01:03:16,836
- [Gilda Sue] Yeah, bye bye now.
1173
01:03:16,836 --> 01:03:18,882
- [Mr. Lives In His Van] All
right, you take care now.
77379
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