Original subtitles

Is your heart pounding?

Have you lost your appetite? Is your mind not in anything?

Not even in social media?

Be careful.

Love is in the air. You just might catch it!

So basically, you're #LittleMcSlutty!

You know like those dogs who just hump and move on?

That's how you are.

What the hell, Mangs!

You slept with Mihir eight hours after meeting him.

Eight hours!

Not eight hours. Eighteen years.

Since childhood, we've been spending...

every summer vacation together.

But after turning eighteen, it took you just eight hours.

And what about our Turkish delight?

What was that? Ten hours?

He wore a bow tie for me.

-Just a bow tie. -Where?

And, what about Amit?

How long has it been?

Three weeks?

We haven't slept together.

Yet.

There's a little improvement.

You didn't jump straight to wham-bam thank-you-Sam this time!

But seriously...

have you guys even been out for coffee yet?

Seriously, Siddhi.

Apart from your comedy set,

have you had a real conversation with him?

Obviously not! Even if he opens his mouth

he will be doomed!

Because she will dump him!

#LittleMcSlutty

Sids, from being the Goddess of Virginity...

to the Goddess of Lust in less than a year!

I don't know whether to be proud of her or ashamed of her.

Come on, guys.

She's just making up for all the lost time.

You're right.

-Are you done? -No.

There's more!

-Varun's here. -Wait. Why?

Remember the night that we bonded?

Since then he's been making plans.

So, I told him I'd be here.

I didn't know he'd actually land up.

Hello, ladies!

So...

-this is the infamous girls' night. -Oh, my God!

Exactly. Girls' night!

Mangs, chill.

It was because of me that you guys met Anj.

Think about it.

If I hadn't been such a douche that day,

she would've never landed up here.

That was my drink.

Sharing is caring, Dee.

Anj!

Fucking gorgeous red lipstick!

Right?

Alright. Shots!

Your bill.

Salty!

-I am sorry about that. -No, it's fine. We'll pay for it.

It's fine.

I'll put it on your tab.

What's the story there?

That's none of your business.

That explains a lot.

Jeh and I... we have a past. That's it.

That's not just it.

It's a bus.

A double-decker bus!

Allow me.

Dee fucked Jeh while she was fucking another guy

who we all call Hot Doc.

And Jeh saw her kissing him.

And then Jeh got back with his ex...

who he had found cheating on him long ago.

How does his cheating outshine Dee's cheating?

Thanks, guys.

For summarizing my pain into a few short sentences.

Anytime.

On that note.

Shots!

Varun.

You've had enough. Please just go home now.

I don't want to go home.

Why?

Kavs!

She's damn hormonal! She's driving me up the wall.

I mean she has mood swings and...

I get it. But I just need to be me.

And Kavya?

What about her?

She will never get to be herself again.

She doesn't want to have sex.

Morning sickness, back pain. She doesn't stop complaining.

Okay, so? So what?

Just masturbate.

Listen, zero sympathy for you.

You have no idea of the changes she is going through.

-You were way cooler when-- -No, I wasn't.

I wasn't.

Distance just makes your heart grow fonder.

Varun, please stop being an asshole.

I'm not being an asshole! I'm just venting.

I'm venting to my friend, my...

my first love, the mother of my child.

If not with you, who else will I share this with?

Share it with your therapist?

What a point, Mangs!

Dr. Bartender, five more shots please.

To Anj and Dee and Sids and Mangs and...

Is "Vaar" better or "Roon"?

Run is more like it.

Run before I lose my shit!

No!

That's someone else's drink!

All drinks are equal in the eyes of the Lord.

Oh, God!

Varun! Are you okay? Oh, my God!

You are my favorites. My total favorites.

-Varun, careful! -You make me happy every time.

We are our favorites but you are not our favorite!

I'm getting off first. Don't worry, guys.

-Bye. -Bye.

Get out of here, asshole!

-Bye. -Bye.

-Bye, Sids. -Bye.

What are you looking at?

Mihir just liked my pic.

He's still alive?

Call the driver, let's go!

Sids!

-Go safe, okay? Goodnight. -Okay, bye.

Goodnight.

Varun. Taxi!

Shit! Taxi!

Taxi!

He's gone.

-Why did you get off? -Taxi!

I'm booking another cab for you.

No, I don't want another cab. I want another drink.

Haven't you had enough for tonight, Varun?

Darling, when it comes to you, it's never enough.

-Come on! -Varun, no! Please!

One for me! Please!

Did you throw up?

Back to your college days.

Oh, yeah.

Arya's sleeping?

Yes.

-Did Radha leave? -Yes, she left.

Don't worry. She didn't see you.

Or else, she would've stayed back to save me from you.

When did you turn so beautiful?

What do you mean?

I mean... you look different.

You're a woman now.

Then, you were just a girl.

And you were just a boy...

who had no concept of bathing or using deodorant.

Not much has changed.

I remember the first time I saw you.

It was at the NLS college canteen.

You were wearing this...

pink long shirt, skinny jeans...

and you had a cheap-ass phone.

Not bad.

It wasn't pink though. It was fuchsia.

Fuchsia, Luchsia... Whatever!

It worked for me.

I remember, I had just joined Facebook and you stalked me.

Yes, your relationship status was...

"it's complicated"!

I guess I was just trying to sound deep.

Well, you deeply fucked up my brain.

Romance is no fun without the fuck-ups.

You know, I keep thinking about the other night.

We were so comfortable with each other.

Kavya and I don't have that.

We...

were together for ten years, Varun.

We literally grew up together.

But we'll never grow old together.

Fuck! Stop!

What?

It wasn't that bad.

It wasn't bad. It was wrong, Varun!

Just forget about this. This...

Listen. Look at me.

This never happened.

It never happened. We are divorced!

And...

You and Kavya are expecting a baby!

What the fuck is going on!

It shouldn't have happened. Fuck!

And you... taste of vomit.

It's Kavya!

Are you going to answer it?

Are you fucking crazy?

You have to answer it, Anj!

I don't want it!

-Okay, fine. I'll answer it. -No! No!

Hello.

She hung up.

Yeah, disconnected.

Shit!

-Fuck! -It's her again...

She doesn't know anything.

Don't confess anything and fuck it up.

Just pick it up.

Hi, Kavya.

No, I'm awake.

Yes, he's here. He's sleeping.

On the sofa.

In the living room. I'm in my bedroom.

No. He was super drunk, so he just crashed here.

Yes, that's all right. Okay, bye.

Love you.

Love you?

I was nervous. It just slipped out.

-You know... -Umang, please.

he's losing his hair on his head.

And they're now growing out from his ears!

You got out at the right time.

By the way, why did he kiss you?

He's horny because he's not getting any from Kavya.

You know actually, during my pregnancy, I was super horny.

Especially the third trimester.

You mean, you went at it like bunnies?

No, we didn't.

He was frightened that he would hurt the baby.

With his penis? How big does he think it is?

How big do they all think theirs is?

-Seriously. -That's true.

Okay, let's move on.

Tell us.

Why did you kiss him back?

I don't know.

It was maybe out of habit or nostalgia.

I just feel so guilty.

Don't.

It's closure.

It gets minus in the balancing of the relationship equation.

It's fine!

What kind of closure is this?

A puke tasting slobber of a kiss in the middle of the night.

An apt reflection of my marriage, I guess.

Anjana, could you pass me the butter?

Of course.

-Thank you. -You're very welcome.

Could you pass me some fruit?

Thank you.

Hi!

Hello, Aunt Pookie.

Hello, baby.

When are you coming to play with me?

Hello, Arya. Wait for a few months.

-Okay. -Come.

-Good morning, party people! -Hi!

Hi, Kavya. You are glowing.

Come. Sit.

Come and have breakfast with us.

Radha, bring us another plate.

What do you want? Do you want some...

There's some scrambled eggs.

Would you like... There's some oats as well.

-You should try that. -Okay.

Nutritious breakfast is so important during pregnancy.

Oh... you know what? Freshly squeezed orange juice.

-Yes! -It's the best.

Yeah. Sure.

-There you go. -Thank you.

Thank you.

You're really sweet, Anjana.

Baby... it's time for your bath.

-Go with Radha. -No, Mama.

-You have to go. -Yes.

-Okay, give me a kiss. -Go. Good girl.

-Bye. -Wash behind your ears.

So...

Were you drunk last night?

We were at Truck Bar. So, we drank.

-We drank a lot. At least I did. -Yes.

And the girls were also there.

Yes! Siddhi, Umang... so cool.

Damini was there as well

And you know who Umang is seeing?

My number one Bollywood crush.

-Samara Kapoor? -Samara Kapoor!

Wow! Isn't she number one on your celeb cheat list?

Celeb cheat list?

It means, celebrities you can do and it's not considered cheating.

It's because the chances of that happening are as low as...

snowfall in Mumbai.

Mumbai is not going to have snow.

Mine is Ryan Gosling.

Excellent choice.

Not that I'm okay with Varun cheating on me.

I mean, I'd kill him.

Absolutely. You should.

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna... just start the car and be ready.

But I've not finished eating my breakfast.

You take your time.

I'll just see you downstairs.

Great.

I'm pregnant and he's acting hormonal.

Is this the first time you're traveling in a local train?

Unbelievable.

You are so mean!

What are you doing? I am not jumping.

Come in.

So, what do you think?

It's very... hipster-ish?

Listen.

Please turn on the air conditioner.

Let me buy one first.

What do you mean?

Please increase the fan's speed.

The regulator's gone rogue.

-What is this? -What?

This maid of mine just leaves things everywhere!

Sorry for that. Come here.

-Stop. -What happened?

What's the rush?

Is it because of the house?

You didn't like the house, right?

No, it's just... it's because I'm...

I'm not a bitch.

Yes. Of course not.

No, I mean... I just don't want to rush things.

I want our first time to be special.

You're right. Of course.

We should take this slow.

Slow is the new fast.

Oh! Sorry!

Siddhi? I'm Shayan.

Amit's roommate.

Nice to meet you.

Fuck you very much!

Sir, please turn the car around.

I'll update the location.

Damini?

What happened? Did you find another puppy?

Shit, I'm so sorry.

Damini, it was a joke.

I miss him so much, Jeh.

Shit... why am I crying?

I'm such a loser.

-Damini, you are not a loser. -What the fuck is wrong with me?

You've written an entire book.

I can't even type a text without using auto correct.

Right.

Good for all my spellings and commas and apostrophes but...

nobody's ever going to publish my book. Period.

You want to talk about it?

There are many people inside.

Okay, come on. Let's go get some tea.

Come on.

Come on.

Let's go.

Give him a cup of tea.

My father is the one who makes tea at home.

Cheers.

He makes it with ginger and lemon.

I think that's why I like tea so much.

In a good cup of tea... with ginger and tea leaves,

it's almost like our feelings also bubble over.

My father says "A good cup of tea can fix everything."

Cold, cough, heartbreak...

I don't know if it can fix this also.

I've known you for four years now, Damini.

You're better than them.

And you're definitely better than this pitfall.

Thanks, Jeh.

-I don't know but-- -You will fight it out this time as well.

If anyone can do it, it's you Damini.

Remember when you took the puppy in and dealt with your OCD?

And when you wrote that troll story?

Despite all the pressures from the board.

And when you returned your award...

and quit the very company you founded.

It was because you have the guts to stand for your ideals, Damini.

Damini, you don't need them.

You are all you've ever needed.

So, what should I do?

Shall I publish my own book?

Can you do that?

Yes! Why not?

Publish it yourself.

You're right.

You're right. I don't need them.

I can fucking self-publish, Jeh!

Self-publishing will require a lot of work.

I'll have to be my own editor and my own distributor.

And...

it will require a lot of money but...

I can encash my shares and break my fixed deposits.

It's possible!

Why didn't I think of it before?

Hold this.

I need to tell Mom and Dad. I'll need their expertise!

TIFA Awards!

Can you believe it?

For the past ten years, I've either performed or presented or

won or all three and...

this year nothing!

Not even a peep!

They've just sent me an invite!

Seriously.

Do you want to go?

Why?

So that they can ridicule and make fun of me? Obviously not!

Sam...

if you go to one of these...

it will give you the courage to go to the other places.

It says that you can take someone along. Take your manager with you.

She will protect you.

You're right.

I'm gonna go.

But with you.

No it's... it's time.

It's time for me to go out into the world. It's...

It's time for me to live my truth.

Sam, don't complicate your life.

I'm simplifying my life.

I want to do this.

If they don't accept me, then that's their problem.

It's not my problem.

Look...

they accept all of me or none of me.

-You understand? -Yes.

Thank you.

Yes! Hens lay boiled eggs!

-How? -By drinking boiled water!

Guys! Amit is stuck in traffic.

-He's not going to make it! -What?

Really?

Thank you so much for such a great start!

That was Vishal from Pune! Let's give it up for him!

So next up, we have Amit and Siddhi...

from North Mumbai and South Mumbai!

Siddhi, where's Amit? Where is he?

He's stuck in traffic. He's coming. I just spoke to him.

What the fuck!

You guys are highly unprofessional.

Is this some kind of a joke for you?

I'm never going to bloody book you ever again. I'm done!

Shit.

If Amit can't make it, why don't you go?

Should I go to find him?

I mean, get on stage!

Alone? Have you lost it?

-Siddhi, I think it's a great idea. -Siddhi, just go.

You should just do it.

This is your moment. You got this. Just go!

-Go, go, go. -Just go!

-Don't think. Just go. You can do it! -You've got this man.

-Go! -Yes. Just...

calm yourself down.

Okay, fuck it. I'm going to do this.

Excuse me! I'm coming.

And here comes Siddhi! Let's give it up for her!

SoBo! SoBo! SoBo!

Big hi, everyone!

Sorry! No NoBo tonight. Just SoBo.

NoBo is stuck in traffic.

That was my opening joke.

about Mumbai traffic.

Sorry. Sweaty palms.

Actually, I don't sweat so much.

I mean, I sweat in the summers but I'm not a sweater.

I mean, not the cardigan type...

Basically, I'm not a sweaty person.

We get that you're not sweaty. But, are you funny?

Yes.

My friends say that I'm the funniest person they know.

-Yes, we do! -Yeah! That's right!

So basically, I'm sweltering hot without the sweat.

Anyway...

I'm going to tell you a funny story about another bodily fluid.

So recently, I walked in on my friend's roommate masturbating.

Like he had his...

He had his thing in his hand out there in the open.

And he wanted me to shake it!

His hand. Not his thing.

It's because that would be a sexual offense. Not a joke.

You're boring the hell out of us! Please get rid of her.

You! Maybe I should get rid of you for good!

-Excuse me. -What?

-I have paid a cover charge for tonight. -So?

So, I think I have the right to criticize.

Your cover charge covers two complimentary beers.

-Drink and just chill. -True.

Shitty bar with shit drinks.

And shit comedy.

Excuse me?

-It's the best bar in the world, okay! -Damn right.

Sids...

Sids!

Nobody is going to offer us another show now.

It's fine, Hormonal. Don't worry about it.

There are plenty clubs in Mumbai.

Besides, it was my fault today.

I turned up late. So, it's okay.

How do you make it look so easy?

You know, I've realized today how tough this really is!

I plan the theme and flow ahead of every show.

And you...

You come across as somebody who just...

goes with her instincts. Right?

I mean it's raw, it's honest, it's...

Just not stage worthy.

Of course, it's stage-worthy.

This is what people want! Raw, honest fucking emotions!

But you need practice to land your jokes right.

Although all my jokes were being booed...

but when I was up on that stage...

I was feeling so...

Like you're alive, right?

-Yes! -Yes!

Sorry.

You are now officially a stage addict!

The audience wants insight. People love fucking drama, right?

So, take them high with your story.

Leave them hanging over there for a bit.

And when they least expect it...

Bam! Punch line.

Why are you so stressed?

I'm here. I'm here to help you out.

And anyway, I think you should go solo now.

You're stealing my spotlight. What are you up to, Sids?

What's wrong with you?

What's going on here? Get a move on.

-Sorry, Sir! -Move along!

-Get moving! -We're going.

-Come on! -We weren't doing anything.

-You don't even know this language! -Leave. Get going!

Ready?

Sorry.

-Mom! -My sweetheart!

-How are you, baby? -Very good. Thank you for coming.

-You're welcome, baby. -Come.

Welcome home!

Traffic in Mumbai is completely crazy.

What to do?

The listing's live on Amazon.

That's nice. Excellent!

Judge Damodar?

I can't keep such a controversial book in my store.

But ma'am, this is an important...

Sir, please. Keep a few copies at least!

Ma'am, we cannot sell this book. Please leave me alone.

-Sir, please. Just read it once! -No, ma'am.

I'm sorry, Miss Roy.

-Please, ma'am. -I'm sorry.

I heard you couldn't convince the big guys to publish it.

Too bad.

For them.

You mean...

You'll keep it?

Fifty copies.

Readers will lap it up.

Wait and watch.

Jeh!

Jeh! You there?

Damini?

All okay?

ZigZag Bookstore kept fifty copies.

Wow! Congratulations.

This wouldn't have been possible without you, Jeh.

You're giving me way too much credit.

No! You gave me the belief and the confidence!

-It was all you, Damini. -No, it was you, Jeh!

-Thank you! -I'm so happy for you!

-I'm so happy! -I'm so happy for you!

Now what?

I broke up with Myra.

I came clean with her, Damini.

I told her how I feel about you.

I did the same thing that I left her for.

I told her I didn't want to be unfair to her or myself.

Guys?

Dee, ever heard of Deja Chu?

A fuck up that's happened before.

It's the same situation.

The same triangle.

The same two men.

The same problem.

I won't tell him.

You mean, won't you tell Warsi about Jeh?

No.

Tell Jeh about Warsi.

Wow.

Besides, there's nothing to tell.

We're just friends... with benefits.

Which we won't be soon. Soon after I break it off with Warsi.

If there's nothing there, then why the need to break it off?

So what should I do? Should I stop taking his calls?

Yes!

Yeah!

I have to be polite, Mangs!

You know when...

the municipality cuts the water supply in a building,

don't they first send a circular to the residents?

So that you're not stuck mid-shower with shampoo in your hair.

But eventually, the water gets restored, right?

Are you planning on restoring your supply to Warsi?

And is Jeh the plumber who's going to repair your breakdown?

So confused!

What about Myra?

Myra is that water tanker...

that Jeh no longer needs!

How mean!

-Don't be sad. -Don't be sad.

Me, too.

Go for it!

So, Polyamory?

Seems to be quite in these days.

I'm sorry?

Damini...

if you want to date Jeh, I'm fine with it.

I'm not looking for monogamy or fidelity.

But you are.

And...

he is.

Aamir, I'm...

I'm really sorry, I...

I can't see you anymore.

I need to give Jeh and me my best shot.

So, should we bother finishing this meal?

Or should I just call for the bill?

Samara! Samara! Samara!

Samara!

Samara, Samara!

Samara, look here! Samara, to your right!

Samara! Samara, are you gay?

Samara, are you a lesbian?

Are you a lesbian?

Don't worry. Let them just say or do whatever they want.

I was going to say the same thing to you!

Samara, is this your girlfriend?

Let's do this.

Aren't you afraid? Aren't you frightened?

Are you making a statement?

-Are you a lesbian? -Are you officially out?

Samara, aren't you afraid?

Are you coming out of the closet?

Are you a lesbian?

Yes.

-Is this your girlfriend? -Are you guys dating?

Yes!

Are you guys in love?

Yes!

-Are you a lesbian? -Are you coming out of the closet?

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!