Original subtitles

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

- No, no, no, I'm telling you... - I hear you telling me,

- and I'm telling you you're wrong. - No way.

You know and I know that I'm right.

How would you know if you're right about anything?

It'd be a completely foreign feeling.

- Quitting time. - It's not quitting time.

- And yet here I go. - Wait. Settle an argument.

Remember when we were ten years old, and Hank and I burried

- something in a coffee tin in the woods? - No. See you tomorrow!

We told you about this. We had a red coffee tin,

and we put something inside it and buried it.

Ah, the red coffee tin! No. I gotta go.

It's Darts Night, and as League Commissioner,

I'm in charge of setting it up.

Right, no one else knows how to take darts out of a jar.

It's not a jar, it's a canister.

And at least I know what's in mine.

Quality burn. And I'm done arguing.

We put half a pack of cigarettes in that tin.

- Period. - Nope. It was a bag of weed.

It was not weed! We never had weed in our lives.

Why would we have weed?

Why would we bury cigarettes? Cigarettes aren't illegal.

They are when you're ten. We buried them

because the second we tried to fire one up,

we always got caught. Immediately. Every time.

So we planned to smoke them in the woods

and we never got around to it,

30 years passed, and your memory got fuzzy.

Probably fuzzy from all the weed we smoked.

We never smoked weed!

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪

2x08 - Bush League

I remember it crystally clear!

We wanted to hide the stuff,

so you went and got a coffee tin.

When you came back to my place and knocked on the door,

I was too high to let you in.

That's from a Cheech and Chong album.

Why are you... okay, you know what,

there's only one way to settle this.

We go out to the woods tonight, dig up the tin,

- and see what's inside. - You're on. You close up.

- I'll go get some digging stuff. - "Digging stuff."

How do you remember what we buried 30 years ago

if you can't remember the word "shovel"?

- Hello, partner. - Emma's your partner.

She's my darts partner. You're my cop...

- you know what I mean. - Ready to take another beating?

You barely beat us last week. This week, it's revenge time.

Ah, care to place a friendly wager, partner?

- I'm your partner. - He's my... argh, never mind.

- Loser cleans the fridge at work. - Cleans the fridge?

That thing is full of moldy macaroni salad.

Bock bock bock bock.

That was chicken salad? Oh.

It's a bet.

Any wagering has to be authorized by me,

as league commissioner and founder of the entire...

We know!

Then I will allow it.

Hey, Phil, I think I'll have a scotch tonight.

Settle my nerves.

And how you come partnered up with Davis and not Oscar?

I joined darts for fun. Oscar's the opposite of that.

I love him, but sometimes I need a bit of distance.

He's nine feet away.

I'll take what I can get.

Besides, Oscar can't play darts anymore.

- Physically or legally? - Emotionally. He used to compete.

Three times Golden Flights champion.

But there was...

- an incident. - So? Oscar has four incidents

every day before breakfast.

Often followed by a brunch incident.

No, nothing like this. This was The Incident.

Never bring it up to Oscar.

- He hates talking about it. - Oh.

- Ready to hit the woods? - Dunno.

You think you brought enough gear?

- You can never be too prepared. - Really?

We're going half a mile out of town.

You're packed like it's a moon launch.

- You're not bringing any survival gear? - My phone.

If it makes you feel better, I can call it a survival phone.

Hey, Oscar. Whatcha doing?

Building a snow fort. What's it look like I'm doing?!

Hmm. You seem cranky.

- Something bothering you? - Not up until ten seconds ago.

Do these games being played nearby

remind you of any... particular situation,

- or what's another word for... - Incident?

Yeah, for "incident." Occasion...?

You mean... The Incident?

Well, since you brought it up.

Yeah! Nailed it!

We got good lead on them now, Emma.

A good what? Oh, lead, yes, good.

- Are you into this? - Good to hear.

They're getting too far ahead. We gotta pick up our game.

I haven't been throwing well.

Too focused on my other duties as league commissioner.

- Oh, for the love of... - But that all turns around...

now!

Now! Okay, just gotta relax.

Okay, that's too relaxed.

Damn. It's the station line. D.R.P.D.

Ugh. Fine. I'll be right there.

There? Where?

I'm the cop on call, and there's been a break-in.

You're off to play cops and robbers?

Listen, Miss Marple, this is darts!

Ha! ♪ You lost your partner ♪

We win by default. ♪ Enjoy that moldy macaroni! ♪

Argh! I should've said "molderoni."

Whoa, we didn't lose. I get to name a replacement.

Karen was dragging me down anyways.

I don't like to talk about it.

It was a night much like this.

- Many years ago... - Lacey!

- What? - You're on my darts team.

You can't just pull someone from the crowd.

- I've never thrown a dart in my life. - Lacey's in for Karen.

Don't you want to hear about The Incident?

I never talk about it!

Okay, we just have to find the right tree.

Look for the toy parachute man we hung up in the branches.

I think we're in the wrong area.

These trees are way taller than the ones we hung it in.

- It was thirty years ago. - True, been a long time...

But I distinctly remember the trees being shorter.

Stick with ol' Hank, and you'll be fine.

Ugh, I can see that engraved on my tombstone.

- So, what do I do? - Keep your toe behind the line,

point the dart, and just try to hit the board.

Well, aren't I supposed to hit some number or something?

Well, ideally you'd hit the double eight,

but just worry about...

- Whoa! Double eight! - You said you never played!

I haven't, but it's pretty straight forward.

Can you hit the six?

Oboy! She's a natural.

I have never seen anything like this

- in all my weeks as league commissioner. - I'm back! It wasn't a break-in.

Helen heard voices but it was just her TV.

Guess she thought burglars broke in to talk

about an Acorn Stairlift for 30 minutes.

- Well, that was fun, thanks. - Whoa, whoa. Hey.

Listen, Karen, here's the thing...

Lacey filled in, and, well, she's really good.

You're more...

uh, what's the word... not.

- So what are you saying? - Lacey's my new partner.

It's not personal, it's just a brutal reality of competitive sports.

- Thanks for understanding. - I don't understanding. Understand.

We could put it to a vote, but it'd be two against one.

That's just the brutal reality of math.

But if we're trying to win, then I should partner with Karen.

- She's way better than you. - Yeah, didn't you

miss the board entirely and hit the wall?

And then miss the wall entirely and hit the floor?

- I vote Karen. - I vote me.

I vote ouch.

- Are you sure this is the tree? - 100%.

Look at that jagged branch on the left.

You'll see a tiny little... hang on. Nope.

- So now it isn't the tree? - 100% not.

Okay, we 100% gotta turn around and go back.

Wait, our tree's just up ahead.

You said that about 12 trees in a row.

You think every tree is the tree. You've gone tree mad.

We're lost, and I'm calling for help.

No! We're not lost. Don't call.

I won't call if you'll just admit that we're lost.

Okay, fine. We're lost.

- Then it's time to get help. - You said you wouldn't call!

Didn't say I wouldn't text.

Wait. You can't do this to me.

Do what? Save your life?

People in town can't know I got lost.

They look up to me as a rugged, survivalist Bear Grylls type.

Bad News Bear Grylls, maybe.

Come on. Put your phone away.

Give me a chance to get us out of here.

How? Do you even have a compass in that backpack?

My compass is internal.

It's called a finely tuned sense of direction.

What? Takes a while to warm up.

- Yes! We're catching up! - This game is too easy.

I'm gonna throw one left-handed.

- You can't miss! - This is terrible. They could win.

But look how much fun they're having.

- I'm gonna try left-handed. - No!

♪ You can't miss me, baby ♪

- Whoopsie! - You totally wasted an entire throw.

Do you want to win or not? This is important, Emma.

Do you want to see me covered in moldy macaroni salad?

Never occurred to me, but now I kind of do, yeah.

Pretty slack attitude, Emma.

Davis is right to want you off his team and be replaced by me.

Okay, new team, new day!

Sorry, Wanda, you're too intense. Makes me nervous.

- But I started this league! - Plus you say that too much.

Exclude me from my own thing...

- I started darts night, you know. - I know.

Darts can be a hard thing to walk away from.

- Me? I had to. - Without me, these jerks

would be sitting around thumbing their bungs.

Yeah, I don't like to talk about it much,

- but there was an incident... - Indecent is right.

- "Incident." - It's indecent the way they treat me.

It's hard for me not to talk about this

when you won't even listen!

I do all the work, and they just swoop in...

Augh!

Way to go, Wanda! You made me miss!

It was an accident!

But maybe the next one won't be.

If I can't play, no one will play.

I won't play. Not after The Incident.

I might tell you if you don't ask me about it.

Deal.

I think we're even more lost.

Is there such a thing as more lost?

You mean get so lost that we find ourselves?

- Food for thought. - Speaking of food, I'm hungry.

I've given you enough time to find a way out of here.

- I'm calling for help. - No! You're going to ruin my rep.

Sorry, Hank, the stomach wants what the stomach wants.

Wait, I have granola bars.

Ooh, with the chocolatey coating.

- Here, have one. - One?

Hmm. I bet if I called...

- someone'd bring me a whole box. - Fine, take it.

Oh, my god, there's little marshmallows too.

This is a little awkward, but...

you missed that last shot really badly.

I find it helpful to keep your eye on the target.

Learned a lot in the 15 minutes you've been playing darts, haven't you?

I know, right? Now, let's go win!

Yeah. Go team.

Aah!

Just taking some photos for DailyDartWorld.com.

Thanks a lot, Wanda. You made me miss all the numbers.

Oh, come on!

Ho ho ho ho ho... nice try, bug.

You think I've never seen The Three Stooges?

I've watched more... Ow!

He bit me. These bugs are terrible.

You shoulda brought a bug net built for two.

- That is a bug net built for two. - Oh. Well, it's not very warm.

The sun's down, and here's you, unprepared, in just a t-shirt.

True. I could call someone for a scarf.

Unless...

Cozy. What is this, flannel?

Hey, Davis, just curious.

Do you breathe in or out when you release?

Nice try, but you won't distract me

with your petty mind games.

Dart in the hat. Classic.

Darts are a cruel game. I learned that the hard way...

from The Incident.

- She's in my head. - Just ignore her.

This next shot's gotta be stellar.

- Ow! - Dart in the cheek. Classic.

- What's darts without a vuvuzela? - What's a vuvuzela?

You'd think I would have annoyed those jerks

into quitting by now. It only took me six tweets

to get those NASA nerds to declassify Pluto,

and then four to reclassify it.

- Pick a side, eggheads. - I was on a side once.

The wrong side. Of an incident.

- It's a dark story, best left untold. - Did you say "dark"?

All right, quit hounding me. I'll tell you.

- It was a night much like this... - Great story.

Phil, I need a copy of the hotel blueprints.

Blueprints? Sure thing.

I'll have Tony Stark fax them right over.

Facts? I'll tell you the facts.

It was a night much like this...

This is just like Naked and Afraid.

More like Naked-except- for-your-underwear

and Afraid. Which I'm fine with.

You should be so lucky.

Hey, how'd you make a hammock out of pants?

- You got any beans left? - Nope, sorry.

But if we call for help now,

there'll be time to grab a frozen pizza at Foo Mart.

No! Real outdoorsmen forage for food anyway.

I bet I can find some berries. And bark.

- You be careful out there. - I know what I'm doing.

And now we know what's your tombstone.

Mm... oh... oh.

Oh, I don't feel so good.

I hope those berries weren't poisonous.

Oh, no, no, no. The berries were all right.

I'm an expert on the woods.

Hey, bears don't usually talk, do they?

You're the expert. Maybe I'm communicating telepathically.

Ah, yeah, that makes more sense.

I don't know what's got me feeling so woozy.

I... I only ate a few berries

to clear out the taste of those funky mushrooms.

Ah. Fog's lifting a bit on that mystery.

You just need to ride this out. Breathe.

Relax. Mother Nature... will take care of you.

I'm just stressed because my friend and I are lost,

and it could tarnish my reputation.

Reputations are tough, man.

You know, every time people see me, they're always like

"Ah! A bear! Run for your life! He'll eat us!"

You know, I find that a little presumptuous.

Maybe I just want to maul somebody.

- You ever think of that? - People are the worst.

- What brought you out here, anyway? - Oh, we're trying to find

a coffee can we buried when we were kids.

Oh, I happen to know that there's a coffee can

buried up over that ridge, just past that stump

that looks like a pig holding a toaster.

Wow, that's very specific. Thanks, Bear...

- Oh, hey, any relation to Bear Grylls? - Never heard of him.

Oh, I just thought with you having the same name...

- My name's Gavin. - Nice to meet ya, Gavin.

So, uh, what are you doing out here?

You ever hear the old saying does a bear...

- blank in the woods? - You're Catholic?

Oh, I've seen that commercial.

Okay, quick, Emma's throwing.

- Tell me all about this incident. - Well, well, well,

everyone wants to hear about my incident.

Yeah, yeah, just tell me.

Maybe a man needs to have some secrets.

- Ever think of... - No secrets. What happened?

All right, I'll tell you. It was a night much like tonight...

...a friendly game of darts between friends,

or so I thought.

- Yeah-ha-ha! - Whoa!

That's it? You kicked a chair?

That's the incident that kept you out of Darts League?

Haven't played that game in 30 years.

Maybe 15. Six? When did they declassify Pluto?

That's not an incident. That's you being a sore loser.

No, it's not. When I told Emma, she said it was a big incident,

- that I should never play again. - Did she, now?

Well, she just told me

she thinks you should come out of retirement.

Ooh, I don't know. I've closed that door.

- Old wounds take a long... - I'll buy you a beer.

- Let's do this! - You got any rope? No reason.

- Brent! Wake up! - Gah! Hank?

- Gah! Are you okay, buddy? - I wasn't...

Untill I talked to the bear with all the answers.

Did you talk to a bear, or did you eat a bear?

- I'd never eat Gavin. - Okay, you're scaring me.

This is over. I'm calling for help.

Uh-oh, dead battery.

That's what I get for watching all those Friends re-runs.

That Gunther should've got more screen time.

We have to find the pig holding the toaster.

How about we stay here and wait for a monkey with a map?

You're talking crazy. Now, follow me.

The moon is my monkey!

You can't leave me out here.

It's darker than Chandler's sense of humour.

Could I be any more scared?

- Oh, good, it's your turn. - Unfortunately, I...

dislocated my thumb while... peeing.

- Ew. Also, how? - Story for another day.

Oscar is going to play for me.

What? I'm not playing with him.

Yeah, what about The Incident?

If Karen can switch players, I can switch players.

Fire away, Oscar.

Whoops, a little rusty.

Ow! I'm going home.

Oscar is in for Davis.

That stump didn't look like a pig holding a toaster.

More like a hog holding a crockpot.

- This is the tree! - We're missing one key ingredient.

- Okay, that's creepy/convenient. - Monkey... moon.

- Found it! - The can!

Ta-da... C-C-Cigarettes?

Who would've thought it was cigarettes?

I-I said it was cigarettes.

I'd say, "in your face," but, you know, we're probably both

going to die out here, so feels a little...

Ah, what the hell. In your face.

I was wrong. And I'm a fraud.

We should've called for help when we had the chance.

Yeah, what does it matter now? Want one?

- Hey, you guys can't smoke here. - See? We always get caught.

- We're saved! - You guys lost? Okay, don't panic.

Breathe. Relax.

Mother Nature... will kill you if you're not careful.

Gavin?

Ho ho! Goodbye, rust, hello, gloating.

Alriiight! That's my champion!

- Let's see you match that. - Hmm.

- Give me a tough one. - Trick shot! Phil, pull!

- Ha ha! - Ugh, gross, but okay, Phil, pull!

Ugh.

Ha! I find it helps if you keep your eye on the target.

- Isn't she your partner? - Still not a fan.

Dammit, Oscar, you got in my head through this egg via my mouth.

We're tied! Last shot, Oscar.

This one's for all the marbles.

Do you hear something in the ceiling?

Yeah, like raccoons or a poltergeist.

Those are your two options?

- Hey, what? - What?

Ha ha ha! You fools, I warned you that if...

Ow!

Ooh, that hurt.

Wanda? What the hell?

There's no darts league if there's no dart board.

Ha ha! Away!

- Ugh... - But did you have to rappel down?

Couldn't you have just run up

and taken it when the lights went out?

Run in the dark? Are you nuts?

Could've broken my neck. Away!

- Ha... - Last call.

So, I'm confused.

Who's cleaning the fridge, you or Davis?

Since neither of us lost, we only have one choice.

- You're cleaning it together? - Gross.

No, we're buying a new fridge.

You can stop worrying, everybody.

I got Brent out of the woods.

This is darts night? Doesn't look safe.

It's not safe. As league commissioner, I forbid this.

This isn't league activity. Ha ha!

This is me and Miss Priss seeing who's best at hitting a moving target.

Phil, pull! Or push.

- Not cool. - Why were you guys in the woods?

There was an incident.

Have you been smoking?

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪ - ♪ It's a great big place ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪ - ♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪ - ♪ And it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~