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1
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♪
2
00:00:03,035 --> 00:00:04,835
Mom. Mom. Wake up.
3
00:00:04,860 --> 00:00:06,309
- [Gasps]
- I think I'm having a heart attack.
4
00:00:06,405 --> 00:00:07,725
You're not having a heart attack.
5
00:00:07,773 --> 00:00:10,173
My chest is pounding,
and I'm slick from sweat...
6
00:00:10,275 --> 00:00:11,941
classic coronary event symptoms.
7
00:00:12,044 --> 00:00:14,044
I made a bad trade
in my stock market club.
8
00:00:14,069 --> 00:00:16,112
[Sighs] This is why bankers die at 40.
9
00:00:16,214 --> 00:00:18,682
So you have 28 years
until your first heart attack.
10
00:00:18,784 --> 00:00:19,849
Go rest up for it.
11
00:00:19,952 --> 00:00:20,750
[Sighs]
12
00:00:20,852 --> 00:00:22,586
[Snoring]
13
00:00:24,089 --> 00:00:25,755
Mama. [Gasps]
14
00:00:25,857 --> 00:00:27,857
Sweetie, what's the matter?
15
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,225
I had my dream again.
16
00:00:29,328 --> 00:00:32,262
I was on the Titanic,
just like in the movie,
17
00:00:32,364 --> 00:00:34,464
but I was in bed with the old couple.
18
00:00:34,566 --> 00:00:35,465
Oh.
19
00:00:35,534 --> 00:00:37,100
Get in here.
20
00:00:38,170 --> 00:00:39,235
Taylor: Mom, I'm going for a run.
21
00:00:39,338 --> 00:00:40,170
[Gasps]
22
00:00:40,272 --> 00:00:41,171
Taylor...
23
00:00:41,273 --> 00:00:42,872
it's 5:30 in the morning!
24
00:00:42,975 --> 00:00:44,074
It's 6:25.
25
00:00:44,176 --> 00:00:46,643
You mixed up the big hand
and the little hand again.
26
00:00:46,745 --> 00:00:47,865
'Cause it's dark in my room!
27
00:00:47,946 --> 00:00:49,412
Because it's 5:30!
28
00:00:49,548 --> 00:00:50,548
[Sighs]
29
00:00:50,616 --> 00:00:52,382
Just buy me a digital clock already!
30
00:00:54,386 --> 00:00:55,552
[Snoring]
31
00:00:55,654 --> 00:00:57,721
Katie: How did he sleep through
all this?
32
00:00:57,823 --> 00:00:59,289
I'm gonna kill him!
33
00:00:59,391 --> 00:01:02,092
But then I'd have to take care
of these animals by myself.
34
00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:04,194
Damn it! Greg lives!
35
00:01:04,296 --> 00:01:09,192
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
36
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♪
37
00:01:11,336 --> 00:01:13,603
You don't need to Purell your belly.
38
00:01:13,705 --> 00:01:15,171
Oh, my little germaphobe.
39
00:01:15,273 --> 00:01:17,774
At this point,
she's more Purell than girl.
40
00:01:17,909 --> 00:01:19,442
Yo, Scooby, your stock market club
41
00:01:19,544 --> 00:01:21,211
is getting a little too serious.
42
00:01:21,313 --> 00:01:22,846
No more waking me up
in the middle of the night
43
00:01:22,948 --> 00:01:24,981
with fake symptoms
of a fake heart attack.
44
00:01:25,006 --> 00:01:26,044
Can't help it, Mom.
45
00:01:26,069 --> 00:01:28,410
It's this type of intensity
that's gonna make me rich...
46
00:01:28,435 --> 00:01:30,754
so I can afford things
like matching plates.
47
00:01:30,856 --> 00:01:32,222
First apartment. Red Lobster.
48
00:01:32,357 --> 00:01:34,624
Mom, I need you to sign this
permission slip for basketball,
49
00:01:34,693 --> 00:01:36,493
and here's my revised soccer schedule.
50
00:01:36,595 --> 00:01:38,595
You know, if you spent
as much time on schoolwork
51
00:01:38,664 --> 00:01:40,830
as you did on sports,
you'd be valedictorian.
52
00:01:40,899 --> 00:01:43,533
I can guarantee you that's not true.
53
00:01:43,602 --> 00:01:45,935
I feel great... a full nine hours.
54
00:01:46,004 --> 00:01:47,070
Who wants Kashi?
55
00:01:47,739 --> 00:01:49,172
[Computer chimes]
56
00:01:49,274 --> 00:01:51,141
Peter Felton sent you an e-mail?
57
00:01:54,246 --> 00:01:55,246
Huh.
58
00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:57,580
My old job has opened up again.
59
00:01:57,683 --> 00:01:58,882
Before he hires someone else,
60
00:01:58,984 --> 00:02:00,384
he wants to know if I'm interested.
61
00:02:00,485 --> 00:02:01,685
Yes!
62
00:02:01,787 --> 00:02:03,553
I mean, you are, aren't you? No?
63
00:02:03,655 --> 00:02:04,788
Only if you want to. Do you?
64
00:02:04,813 --> 00:02:06,044
Why don't you take the floor on this?
65
00:02:06,069 --> 00:02:10,026
Greg, you realize if I worked,
we would have to hire someone
66
00:02:10,128 --> 00:02:12,395
to clean the house and watch the kids,
67
00:02:12,531 --> 00:02:14,798
so there'd only be, like,
this much extra money.
68
00:02:14,900 --> 00:02:16,332
No, we wouldn't have to hire
someone to clean the house.
69
00:02:16,435 --> 00:02:17,555
You could do it on Saturdays.
70
00:02:17,602 --> 00:02:19,202
I retract that... obviously.
71
00:02:21,139 --> 00:02:22,139
I'll think about it.
72
00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:24,074
He wants to know by the end of the day.
73
00:02:24,176 --> 00:02:25,976
Can you drive Taylor to soccer
this afternoon?
74
00:02:26,078 --> 00:02:28,078
Oh, I'd love to, but I have to
go to campus to give a lecture.
75
00:02:28,213 --> 00:02:29,245
[Sighs]
76
00:02:29,347 --> 00:02:31,514
Taylor! Oliver! In the car!
77
00:02:31,616 --> 00:02:33,049
Anna-Kat?
78
00:02:33,151 --> 00:02:36,352
Anna-Kat, it will sting
if you put it there.
79
00:02:36,421 --> 00:02:37,620
♪
80
00:02:37,723 --> 00:02:39,789
Mama, Oliver hit me in the nuts.
81
00:02:39,858 --> 00:02:41,458
Sweetie, girls don't have nuts.
82
00:02:41,593 --> 00:02:42,625
I'm pretty sure they do.
83
00:02:42,728 --> 00:02:44,961
I didn't hit her.
I gave her her water bottle.
84
00:02:45,063 --> 00:02:47,397
Yeah, and you slammed it hard
right in my nuts.
85
00:02:47,499 --> 00:02:49,966
Okay, I'm too tired for this.
Everybody out.
86
00:02:50,068 --> 00:02:52,001
Mom, you're supposed to wait until
we're at the front of the line.
87
00:02:52,104 --> 00:02:53,870
Not today. Out!
88
00:02:55,574 --> 00:02:57,540
You can't let them out here!
89
00:02:57,642 --> 00:02:59,242
They're on the sidewalk!
90
00:02:59,311 --> 00:03:01,244
I bet running over Crossing Guard Sandy
91
00:03:01,346 --> 00:03:04,714
would make a real satisfying
"Tha-thunk!" sound.
92
00:03:04,816 --> 00:03:07,650
♪
93
00:03:07,753 --> 00:03:09,619
Guys, I'm not even here.
94
00:03:09,755 --> 00:03:11,788
I got to get groceries,
buy Taylor a digital clock,
95
00:03:11,890 --> 00:03:13,450
track down a thousand brown sugar cubes
96
00:03:13,525 --> 00:03:14,925
for Anna-Kat's Great Wall of China.
97
00:03:15,026 --> 00:03:16,466
Honestly, what is she going to learn
98
00:03:16,528 --> 00:03:17,827
by watching me build that thing?
99
00:03:17,929 --> 00:03:19,095
Okay, sit down a second.
100
00:03:19,197 --> 00:03:20,197
[Sighs]
101
00:03:20,232 --> 00:03:22,132
What is going on?
102
00:03:22,234 --> 00:03:24,734
Staying at home with the kids...
103
00:03:24,836 --> 00:03:26,002
is exhausting.
104
00:03:26,104 --> 00:03:28,138
I know!
105
00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:29,240
Shut up.
106
00:03:29,274 --> 00:03:31,508
You're a mother, and you stay at home,
107
00:03:31,610 --> 00:03:33,710
but you have a housekeeper, a nanny...
108
00:03:33,812 --> 00:03:35,745
A house manager... whatever that is.
109
00:03:35,847 --> 00:03:37,347
She manages my house.
110
00:03:37,449 --> 00:03:39,082
I never run out of anything.
111
00:03:39,151 --> 00:03:41,785
I don't even know what running
out of toilet paper feels like.
112
00:03:41,887 --> 00:03:43,553
It feels like a coffee filter.
113
00:03:43,655 --> 00:03:45,622
[Both laugh]
114
00:03:45,724 --> 00:03:48,224
Katie, look, you are
a real stay-at-home mom,
115
00:03:48,326 --> 00:03:50,126
not like some of these
other women in Westport...
116
00:03:50,228 --> 00:03:50,960
like her.
117
00:03:51,062 --> 00:03:52,662
I am not like them, okay?
118
00:03:52,764 --> 00:03:53,596
I'm way richer.
119
00:03:53,698 --> 00:03:54,931
[Chuckles]
120
00:03:55,033 --> 00:03:56,432
And Celeste and I share custody...
121
00:03:56,535 --> 00:03:58,434
three days on, four days off.
122
00:03:58,459 --> 00:04:00,303
- Dirty little secret about divorce?
- Mm-hmm.
123
00:04:00,328 --> 00:04:01,815
Just when you want
to slip your kids a Benadryl
124
00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:04,007
and leave them at the animal shelter,
125
00:04:04,032 --> 00:04:05,932
you get to give them back to your ex.
126
00:04:06,111 --> 00:04:08,011
Ohh, I can't leave Greg.
127
00:04:08,146 --> 00:04:10,346
Can I? Nah.
128
00:04:10,448 --> 00:04:11,448
Nah.
129
00:04:11,483 --> 00:04:12,515
No.
130
00:04:12,617 --> 00:04:14,017
I just went over the school calendar.
131
00:04:14,052 --> 00:04:18,121
My kids have 11 days of school
in the entire month of November.
132
00:04:18,223 --> 00:04:19,455
That's a straight-up war on women.
133
00:04:19,558 --> 00:04:21,067
You know what else
is a straight-up war on women?
134
00:04:21,092 --> 00:04:22,569
- That whole half-day thing.
- Mm.
135
00:04:22,594 --> 00:04:24,604
Can Mama stay at home
and watch "Unreal" on Lifetime
136
00:04:24,629 --> 00:04:25,838
- or not?!
- Mm-hmm.
137
00:04:25,863 --> 00:04:27,163
You know what you need, Katie?
138
00:04:27,265 --> 00:04:28,731
You need a break from being a mom.
139
00:04:28,834 --> 00:04:30,099
- A break?
- Yes!
140
00:04:30,202 --> 00:04:31,242
Do all that stuff tomorrow
141
00:04:31,336 --> 00:04:33,436
and do something for yourself today.
142
00:04:33,461 --> 00:04:34,581
- You're right.
- I know.
143
00:04:34,606 --> 00:04:36,439
I do need a break.
144
00:04:36,541 --> 00:04:37,974
I'm gonna take a nap.
145
00:04:38,043 --> 00:04:39,475
Oh! You never take naps.
146
00:04:39,578 --> 00:04:42,045
I know! That's what's going to
make this one so delicious.
147
00:04:42,147 --> 00:04:43,012
Ooh! [Chuckles]
148
00:04:43,114 --> 00:04:44,347
Oh! Call your housekeeper now
149
00:04:44,449 --> 00:04:46,449
so she puts lavender
underneath your pillow.
150
00:04:46,551 --> 00:04:47,984
[Sighs]
151
00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:51,354
I'm sensing you guys
are reaching maximum Doris.
152
00:04:51,456 --> 00:04:52,456
Yeah.
153
00:04:52,557 --> 00:04:54,724
But it's okay, because I'm taking a nap.
154
00:04:54,826 --> 00:04:56,125
[Laughter]
155
00:04:58,129 --> 00:04:59,596
[Engine starts]
156
00:05:01,299 --> 00:05:03,233
Ugh! That's Oliver's lunch!
157
00:05:03,301 --> 00:05:05,034
The curse of a stay-at-home mom.
158
00:05:05,136 --> 00:05:06,970
You know, if I had a job,
I'd be at work,
159
00:05:07,072 --> 00:05:09,539
and everyone would be like,
"Eh, she's at work."
160
00:05:09,641 --> 00:05:12,342
Man, I'd blame everything on work.
161
00:05:12,444 --> 00:05:14,477
♪
162
00:05:18,316 --> 00:05:19,316
All right.
163
00:05:19,417 --> 00:05:20,583
I'm in and out.
164
00:05:20,685 --> 00:05:22,118
Mrs. Otto!
165
00:05:22,220 --> 00:05:24,187
- You can't park there!
- You don't need to acknowledge her.
166
00:05:24,256 --> 00:05:25,855
- Just smile and keep going.
- Mrs. Otto!
167
00:05:25,957 --> 00:05:27,457
Like when you're watching
a movie with your parents
168
00:05:27,559 --> 00:05:30,637
- and people start doing it.
- Mrs. Otto, I know you can hear me!
169
00:05:30,662 --> 00:05:32,662
I bet Sandy's never done it.
170
00:05:36,101 --> 00:05:37,200
[Yawns]
171
00:05:37,302 --> 00:05:40,069
Can you please make sure
this gets to Oliver Otto?
172
00:05:40,171 --> 00:05:41,304
Mrs. Otto!
173
00:05:42,807 --> 00:05:44,340
Nurse Chapel. [Chuckles]
174
00:05:44,442 --> 00:05:46,776
I really need
the kids' vaccination dates.
175
00:05:46,878 --> 00:05:49,112
- I've e-mailed you three times!
- Mm-hmm. Right.
176
00:05:49,214 --> 00:05:51,481
The dates are right in my phone,
right here.
177
00:05:51,583 --> 00:05:53,716
This really should've been
taken care of weeks ago.
178
00:05:53,818 --> 00:05:54,851
I know,
179
00:05:54,953 --> 00:05:57,754
I've been ignoring many, many reminders.
180
00:05:57,889 --> 00:06:00,290
If I had a job,
I'd have my assistant do this.
181
00:06:00,392 --> 00:06:01,925
I'd have my assistant do everything.
182
00:06:02,027 --> 00:06:03,293
And he'd be cute.
183
00:06:03,428 --> 00:06:06,296
- Thank you.
- No, thank you.
184
00:06:07,399 --> 00:06:08,665
Katie!
185
00:06:08,733 --> 00:06:10,700
Ugh! Skinny mommies
in tight, white jeans.
186
00:06:10,802 --> 00:06:12,068
Good for you.
187
00:06:12,170 --> 00:06:14,037
We need to get your picture
for the school newsletter.
188
00:06:14,139 --> 00:06:16,539
Not now, Suzanne.
This is not what I look like.
189
00:06:16,641 --> 00:06:18,508
[Scoffs] It pretty much is.
190
00:06:18,610 --> 00:06:19,909
[Camera clicks]
191
00:06:20,011 --> 00:06:21,011
Chin up, Katie.
192
00:06:21,112 --> 00:06:22,545
I have a double chin, so...
193
00:06:22,647 --> 00:06:23,647
Try the other side.
194
00:06:23,715 --> 00:06:25,115
Okay, well, it's on that side, too.
195
00:06:25,150 --> 00:06:26,182
[Camera clicks]
196
00:06:28,019 --> 00:06:29,919
[Yawns]
197
00:06:30,021 --> 00:06:31,387
Mrs. Otto!
198
00:06:31,523 --> 00:06:33,756
You are not supposed to park
in the yellow!
199
00:06:33,858 --> 00:06:35,558
Do not make me write you up.
200
00:06:35,660 --> 00:06:36,759
Write me up?
201
00:06:36,861 --> 00:06:38,394
Is it possible this woman is insane?
202
00:06:38,463 --> 00:06:40,930
How are you supposed to talk
to an insane person?
203
00:06:41,032 --> 00:06:44,100
Okay, Sandy. You're the boss.
204
00:06:44,202 --> 00:06:45,868
[The Cranberries' "Dreams" plays]
205
00:06:45,971 --> 00:06:48,438
My nap is 5 feet away.
206
00:06:50,141 --> 00:06:53,376
♪ It's never quite as it seems ♪
207
00:06:53,478 --> 00:06:54,911
- Hey.
- [Music distorts, fades]
208
00:06:55,013 --> 00:06:56,713
What are you doing here?
I thought you were at work.
209
00:06:56,815 --> 00:06:57,815
I think I'm getting sick.
210
00:06:57,849 --> 00:06:58,982
What are you talking about?
211
00:06:59,084 --> 00:07:00,817
You were perfectly fine two hours ago.
212
00:07:00,919 --> 00:07:02,719
Yeah, but when I got in the car,
I started feeling clammy.
213
00:07:02,821 --> 00:07:05,121
My throat is scratchy,
and my tongue is big.
214
00:07:05,223 --> 00:07:07,190
[Mumbling] I'm, like,
very aware of my tongue.
215
00:07:07,292 --> 00:07:09,092
I need sleep and my neti pot.
216
00:07:09,194 --> 00:07:11,527
He's not even sick! He's man-sick.
217
00:07:11,629 --> 00:07:12,929
You know what I call
having a little cough
218
00:07:13,031 --> 00:07:14,297
and wanting to go back to bed?
219
00:07:14,399 --> 00:07:15,465
Every day of my life!
220
00:07:15,567 --> 00:07:16,599
Move over.
221
00:07:16,668 --> 00:07:18,001
I'm taking a nap.
222
00:07:18,103 --> 00:07:20,036
Oh, no, I totally forgot...
I'm supposed to be
223
00:07:20,105 --> 00:07:21,971
the Reading Rascal today
in Anna-Kat's class!
224
00:07:22,073 --> 00:07:23,773
You signed up for that on purpose?
225
00:07:23,875 --> 00:07:24,875
What are you, an idiot?
226
00:07:24,976 --> 00:07:27,777
I can't go. I might get her class sick.
227
00:07:27,879 --> 00:07:29,045
You have to cover for me.
228
00:07:29,147 --> 00:07:30,279
No.
229
00:07:30,382 --> 00:07:31,581
No, Greg. Mnh-mnh.
230
00:07:31,683 --> 00:07:33,149
But Anna-Kat picked the book.
231
00:07:33,251 --> 00:07:34,751
She's so excited.
232
00:07:34,853 --> 00:07:36,319
It's about a cat.
233
00:07:36,421 --> 00:07:39,122
I think you'll find it's got
some really surprising turns.
234
00:07:39,190 --> 00:07:40,690
Fine!
235
00:07:40,792 --> 00:07:42,492
But you should not be allowed
to wear that T-shirt!
236
00:07:42,594 --> 00:07:43,926
If you were a real feminist,
237
00:07:44,029 --> 00:07:46,596
you would down some DayQuil
and rally like a mommy would.
238
00:07:46,698 --> 00:07:48,131
You know what?
239
00:07:48,266 --> 00:07:49,999
You're right.
240
00:07:50,068 --> 00:07:51,268
I'm gonna take off this shirt.
241
00:07:51,369 --> 00:07:52,802
[Scoffs]
242
00:07:56,375 --> 00:07:59,451
"Hunky Mama Cat and her kittens
were on their way.
243
00:07:59,476 --> 00:08:02,775
Hunky Mama Cat said, 'Where's Patches?'"
244
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,099
Daddy does voices.
245
00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:06,593
Daddy also gets
nine hours of sleep a night.
246
00:08:07,609 --> 00:08:10,517
"Hunky Mama Cat does every
last thing for her kittens.
247
00:08:10,588 --> 00:08:13,889
She feeds them, she plays with them,
248
00:08:13,992 --> 00:08:16,078
she licks them clean."
249
00:08:16,794 --> 00:08:18,027
Does she complain?
250
00:08:18,129 --> 00:08:19,129
No.
251
00:08:19,230 --> 00:08:20,230
Mnh-mnh.
252
00:08:20,298 --> 00:08:22,198
But she has every right to complain.
253
00:08:22,300 --> 00:08:25,635
Yeah, I know it was her choice,
but Hunky Mama Cat...
254
00:08:25,737 --> 00:08:27,203
still wonders...
255
00:08:27,305 --> 00:08:29,905
what the hell happened to her life.
256
00:08:30,008 --> 00:08:34,076
You know, before she decided
to spew kittens onto the planet,
257
00:08:34,178 --> 00:08:36,045
she had a great job.
258
00:08:36,147 --> 00:08:38,781
She was North American sales director
259
00:08:38,883 --> 00:08:41,350
of Rollaboo Stroller Company.
260
00:08:41,486 --> 00:08:42,585
Hunky Mama Cat?
261
00:08:42,687 --> 00:08:44,153
Mm-hmm. Yes. She was.
262
00:08:44,255 --> 00:08:48,057
She got to wear high heels.
She got to fly in airplanes.
263
00:08:48,159 --> 00:08:51,994
She even had the special
golden corporate credit card.
264
00:08:52,063 --> 00:08:56,132
And Peter, the president
of the entire corporation,
265
00:08:56,234 --> 00:08:58,300
e-mailed Hunky Mama Cat
266
00:08:58,403 --> 00:09:01,170
and offered her her old job back!
267
00:09:01,272 --> 00:09:02,605
[Sighs]
268
00:09:02,707 --> 00:09:04,173
It was the best moment.
269
00:09:04,275 --> 00:09:06,509
I mean, they want her so much
270
00:09:06,611 --> 00:09:09,111
that after 12 years,
they're still coming after her.
271
00:09:09,213 --> 00:09:11,947
And every morning,
there's a box of pastries,
272
00:09:12,050 --> 00:09:13,716
and I don't know who brings them,
273
00:09:13,851 --> 00:09:14,950
and I don't care!
274
00:09:15,053 --> 00:09:16,285
[Laughs]
275
00:09:16,387 --> 00:09:19,121
It's okay. My mom had a breakdown, too.
276
00:09:26,164 --> 00:09:27,164
[Sighs]
277
00:09:27,231 --> 00:09:29,298
Screw it. I'm napping here.
278
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:30,866
["Dreams" plays]
279
00:09:30,968 --> 00:09:33,369
♪ And, oh, my dreams ♪
280
00:09:33,471 --> 00:09:34,471
[Sighs]
281
00:09:34,572 --> 00:09:38,340
♪ It's never quite as it seems ♪
282
00:09:38,376 --> 00:09:40,710
♪ 'Cause you're a dream to me ♪
283
00:09:40,812 --> 00:09:43,012
[Music distorts, fades]
284
00:09:43,114 --> 00:09:45,281
[Seat whirs]
285
00:09:52,557 --> 00:09:55,124
I patrol vehicles
for forgotten car-seat kids.
286
00:09:55,226 --> 00:09:56,226
[Smacks lips]
287
00:09:56,260 --> 00:09:57,993
It's rare to find a drugged-out mommy.
288
00:09:58,096 --> 00:09:59,096
I'm not drugged-out.
289
00:09:59,230 --> 00:10:00,763
I deserve to be, but I'm not.
290
00:10:00,865 --> 00:10:03,132
And button up down there!
291
00:10:03,234 --> 00:10:04,934
There are children within 100 yards.
292
00:10:05,036 --> 00:10:07,136
♪
293
00:10:10,274 --> 00:10:11,340
Oh, how'd it go?
294
00:10:11,409 --> 00:10:13,809
I hate that evil witch, Sandy.
295
00:10:13,911 --> 00:10:15,578
You mean beloved Crossing Guard Sandy?
296
00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:17,413
She carries stunned birds
to the animal shelter.
297
00:10:17,515 --> 00:10:19,181
She caught me with my pants unbuttoned,
298
00:10:19,283 --> 00:10:20,950
and now she thinks
I'm a molester or something.
299
00:10:21,052 --> 00:10:22,292
Why were your pants unbuttoned?
300
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:23,686
Because I'm fat, Greg!
301
00:10:23,821 --> 00:10:24,987
I was sleeping in the car,
302
00:10:25,089 --> 00:10:27,623
and I unbuttoned myself,
like a normal fat person.
303
00:10:27,758 --> 00:10:29,158
Not like a pervert.
304
00:10:29,260 --> 00:10:32,027
Scoot over. I need to rest my eyes.
305
00:10:32,129 --> 00:10:33,289
You were sleeping in the car?
306
00:10:33,364 --> 00:10:34,730
You know what...
you don't understand my life.
307
00:10:34,832 --> 00:10:37,366
All I do all the time
is think about other people...
308
00:10:37,468 --> 00:10:40,135
you, the kids, especially Anna-Kat.
309
00:10:40,238 --> 00:10:41,570
[Sighs heavily]
310
00:10:41,672 --> 00:10:43,105
At least you get a break.
311
00:10:43,174 --> 00:10:44,174
- A break?
- Mm-hmm.
312
00:10:44,242 --> 00:10:45,941
I go to work. You seem to forget that.
313
00:10:46,043 --> 00:10:47,810
I work all day, and then I come home
314
00:10:47,912 --> 00:10:49,645
and continue to work
by helping you with the kids.
315
00:10:49,747 --> 00:10:51,027
- I don't get a break.
- Oh, please.
316
00:10:51,082 --> 00:10:52,114
Work is a break.
317
00:10:52,216 --> 00:10:53,582
You go to work, you have a lunch break,
318
00:10:53,684 --> 00:10:55,451
an afternoon break, a break room.
319
00:10:55,553 --> 00:10:58,297
You have a whole room
dedicated to breaks.
320
00:10:58,322 --> 00:10:59,669
If work is a break,
why don't you go back to work?
321
00:10:59,694 --> 00:11:00,766
- Maybe I will.
- Good.
322
00:11:00,791 --> 00:11:02,668
- Don't think I won't.
- Fine. I just want you to be happy.
323
00:11:02,693 --> 00:11:04,971
Well, maybe I'll just
go back to work and be happy!
324
00:11:04,996 --> 00:11:06,996
You realize I'm agreeing with you and
your voice just keeps getting louder?
325
00:11:07,098 --> 00:11:10,165
It's 'cause I'm tired. And I need a nap.
326
00:11:10,268 --> 00:11:12,268
- [Telephone rings]
- [Groans] That's the landline.
327
00:11:12,370 --> 00:11:14,503
If someone is trying
to sell me solar power again,
328
00:11:14,605 --> 00:11:15,971
I'm gonna go ape turd on them!
329
00:11:16,073 --> 00:11:17,406
- [Beep]
- [Sighs]
330
00:11:17,475 --> 00:11:19,208
Take me off your list!
331
00:11:20,311 --> 00:11:21,377
Oh.
332
00:11:21,479 --> 00:11:22,511
Really?
333
00:11:23,948 --> 00:11:26,282
Okay. Somebody will be there.
334
00:11:26,384 --> 00:11:27,917
No, thank you.
335
00:11:28,019 --> 00:11:29,718
- [Beep]
- What is it?
336
00:11:29,821 --> 00:11:31,754
Oliver got caught insider-trading
337
00:11:31,856 --> 00:11:33,656
in his stock-market club.
338
00:11:33,758 --> 00:11:35,157
Is that even possible
339
00:11:35,259 --> 00:11:36,892
in a made-up club using pretend money?
340
00:11:36,961 --> 00:11:38,394
It's idiotic, but it's cheating.
341
00:11:38,529 --> 00:11:40,362
He's suspended for the rest of the day.
342
00:11:40,464 --> 00:11:41,397
You have to go pick him up.
343
00:11:41,499 --> 00:11:42,965
I took a double dose of DayQuil.
344
00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:43,899
So?!
345
00:11:44,001 --> 00:11:45,401
Well, I'm not good on uppers.
346
00:11:45,503 --> 00:11:46,702
It has the opposite effect on me.
347
00:11:46,804 --> 00:11:47,804
Up is down, down is up.
348
00:11:47,905 --> 00:11:49,371
I keep thinking I'm smelling mangos.
349
00:11:49,473 --> 00:11:50,372
Oh, Greg!
350
00:11:50,474 --> 00:11:52,308
Is there anything normal about you?
351
00:11:52,410 --> 00:11:55,244
I'm all jacked up, honey!
It's not safe for anybody!
352
00:11:55,379 --> 00:11:56,278
♪
353
00:11:56,380 --> 00:11:57,847
Insider trading, Oliver?
354
00:11:57,949 --> 00:11:59,148
I used to have one goal in life...
355
00:11:59,250 --> 00:12:01,050
to have a man-made stream in my yard.
356
00:12:01,152 --> 00:12:02,318
Now I have a new one...
357
00:12:02,420 --> 00:12:04,887
keep my only son
out of white-collar prison.
358
00:12:04,989 --> 00:12:06,488
White-collar prison isn't that bad.
359
00:12:06,624 --> 00:12:08,924
Grant Windsor's dad was in
for 16 months.
360
00:12:09,026 --> 00:12:11,560
All he did was play squash
and get super-ripped.
361
00:12:11,629 --> 00:12:12,728
Which is why I'm going to make sure
362
00:12:12,830 --> 00:12:14,597
they put you in regular prison.
363
00:12:14,699 --> 00:12:17,233
That is now my new goal
in life, young man!
364
00:12:18,002 --> 00:12:18,901
Mrs. Otto.
365
00:12:19,003 --> 00:12:20,135
Nurse Chapel.
366
00:12:20,238 --> 00:12:22,304
I thought it was strange
that all of your children
367
00:12:22,406 --> 00:12:23,939
got their shots on their birthdays,
368
00:12:24,041 --> 00:12:25,641
so I troubled myself to put in a call
369
00:12:25,743 --> 00:12:27,142
to your pediatrician.
370
00:12:27,245 --> 00:12:28,644
I think you know where this is headed.
371
00:12:28,746 --> 00:12:30,846
I do. Can we just get to it?
372
00:12:30,948 --> 00:12:32,748
You just can't make up vaccination dates
373
00:12:32,817 --> 00:12:34,750
and put them
on official school documents.
374
00:12:34,852 --> 00:12:37,887
I don't know, Mom. I think
that falls under mail fraud.
375
00:12:37,989 --> 00:12:40,389
Good instincts, Oliver. Aggravate me.
376
00:12:40,491 --> 00:12:42,191
Anna-Kat needs a booster today.
377
00:12:42,293 --> 00:12:43,653
You have to pull her out of class.
378
00:12:43,694 --> 00:12:44,493
Now?!
379
00:12:44,595 --> 00:12:46,462
She could be teeming with disease.
380
00:12:46,564 --> 00:12:47,663
Teeming with it!
381
00:12:47,765 --> 00:12:50,165
Okay. Nurse Chapel, you are here.
382
00:12:50,268 --> 00:12:51,700
I'm gonna need you here.
383
00:12:51,802 --> 00:12:54,169
♪
384
00:12:55,940 --> 00:12:58,874
You let me walk around
completely unprotected?!
385
00:12:58,976 --> 00:13:01,243
It's not a big deal.
It's an MMR booster.
386
00:13:01,345 --> 00:13:03,746
That's measles, mumps, and rubella.
387
00:13:04,548 --> 00:13:06,582
That's what I have. I have all of that!
388
00:13:06,717 --> 00:13:07,797
You don't have any of that.
389
00:13:07,852 --> 00:13:09,151
Hang on.
390
00:13:09,253 --> 00:13:10,619
I forgot something.
391
00:13:10,721 --> 00:13:13,289
There's no way I'm coming back
here for just one kid.
392
00:13:13,391 --> 00:13:15,724
I was right in the middle of practice.
393
00:13:15,826 --> 00:13:17,866
You were supposed to be
in the middle of math class.
394
00:13:17,895 --> 00:13:20,141
You said I could miss math today
to practice basketball
395
00:13:20,166 --> 00:13:21,730
because now I have soccer after school.
396
00:13:21,755 --> 00:13:22,845
When did I say that?!
397
00:13:22,869 --> 00:13:24,234
When you signed
the permission slip this morning.
398
00:13:24,235 --> 00:13:26,035
Ohh! I thought
it was for something else.
399
00:13:26,137 --> 00:13:27,377
I can't control what you think.
400
00:13:27,438 --> 00:13:29,305
♪
401
00:13:30,942 --> 00:13:32,775
Ugh!
402
00:13:32,877 --> 00:13:33,976
[Gasps]
403
00:13:35,012 --> 00:13:36,946
What?!
404
00:13:38,282 --> 00:13:40,783
Sandy!!
405
00:13:40,885 --> 00:13:42,051
I can't.
406
00:13:42,153 --> 00:13:44,386
I can't do it anymore. I just can't.
407
00:13:44,488 --> 00:13:47,296
I have a marketing degree from Duke!
408
00:13:47,321 --> 00:13:48,641
[Sighs]
409
00:13:53,038 --> 00:13:54,106
[Sighs]
410
00:13:54,131 --> 00:13:55,920
The school gave you a boot?
411
00:13:55,945 --> 00:13:59,146
No, I bought it on eBay
with some of my Christmas tips.
412
00:14:00,765 --> 00:14:02,932
Thanks for the empty card, by the way.
413
00:14:03,001 --> 00:14:05,168
[Scoffs] Just let me go.
414
00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:07,003
I don't know who you think you are.
415
00:14:08,339 --> 00:14:10,907
I don't know who I am, either.
416
00:14:11,009 --> 00:14:12,809
What happened to me, Sandy?
417
00:14:12,911 --> 00:14:15,077
Look at you. You've got a job.
418
00:14:15,180 --> 00:14:17,413
You're in a position of authority.
419
00:14:17,515 --> 00:14:18,748
You have a purpose.
420
00:14:18,850 --> 00:14:20,116
Kind of.
421
00:14:20,218 --> 00:14:21,350
And I have seen you
422
00:14:21,452 --> 00:14:23,786
sitting on your folding chair
under the shade umbrella
423
00:14:23,888 --> 00:14:25,555
taking a nap.
424
00:14:25,657 --> 00:14:26,756
You got it all.
425
00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:28,991
A job, naps...
426
00:14:29,093 --> 00:14:30,793
everything.
427
00:14:30,895 --> 00:14:33,095
And I admire you.
428
00:14:33,198 --> 00:14:35,231
How sad is that?
429
00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:38,835
And all I have is a car
with three kids in it
430
00:14:38,937 --> 00:14:41,571
and a really bad smell
that I cannot seems to locate.
431
00:14:41,673 --> 00:14:43,306
I don't think it's me.
432
00:14:43,408 --> 00:14:44,607
[Sniffs]
433
00:14:44,709 --> 00:14:46,008
It might be me.
434
00:14:46,110 --> 00:14:48,211
When did this become my life?
435
00:14:48,313 --> 00:14:51,385
You're right, Crossing Guard Sandy.
436
00:14:51,483 --> 00:14:54,117
[Smacks lips] I need to go back to work.
437
00:14:56,254 --> 00:14:57,954
Next time I'll have you towed.
438
00:14:58,056 --> 00:15:00,189
♪
439
00:15:00,258 --> 00:15:02,692
I open up to her,
and this is what I get!
440
00:15:02,794 --> 00:15:05,194
You know what? I'm taking these cones.
441
00:15:07,465 --> 00:15:08,531
Here.
442
00:15:09,934 --> 00:15:11,067
Why did you only take four?
443
00:15:11,169 --> 00:15:12,802
Because the last thing that I need
444
00:15:12,904 --> 00:15:15,004
is 12 traffic cones
garbaging up our garage
445
00:15:15,106 --> 00:15:16,372
for the rest of forever.
446
00:15:16,474 --> 00:15:17,974
[Tires squeal]
447
00:15:19,978 --> 00:15:21,711
Seriously, Mom, this is ridiculous.
448
00:15:21,813 --> 00:15:24,080
I'm missing basketball
and soccer practice.
449
00:15:24,182 --> 00:15:26,816
Stop breathing your germs!
I'm completely defenseless!
450
00:15:26,918 --> 00:15:28,851
- [Exhales deeply]
- [Screams]
451
00:15:28,953 --> 00:15:30,486
Mom, regarding these allegations,
452
00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:32,555
I just overheard a conversation
at Grant Windsor's,
453
00:15:32,590 --> 00:15:33,956
and I made a few smart trades.
454
00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:35,535
I don't want to hear it, Oliver!
455
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:38,620
You don't know what happens in business.
You don't even have a job!
456
00:15:39,097 --> 00:15:41,197
[Tires screech]
457
00:15:41,299 --> 00:15:42,565
[Horns blare]
458
00:15:42,667 --> 00:15:44,400
Wh... Wh... Why did we pull over?
459
00:15:44,502 --> 00:15:46,135
What did you just say?
460
00:15:47,105 --> 00:15:48,237
I love you?
461
00:15:48,339 --> 00:15:50,106
Did you just say
that I don't have a job?
462
00:15:50,208 --> 00:15:51,374
For your information,
463
00:15:51,442 --> 00:15:54,377
being a stay-at-home mom is my job!
464
00:15:54,479 --> 00:15:57,246
But apparently, today,
I'm pretty crappy at it!
465
00:15:57,348 --> 00:15:58,948
But not anymore!
466
00:15:59,050 --> 00:16:00,516
Get out of the car!
467
00:16:00,618 --> 00:16:02,785
♪
468
00:16:07,125 --> 00:16:08,224
This is humiliating.
469
00:16:08,326 --> 00:16:09,492
Good.
470
00:16:09,594 --> 00:16:11,894
If you keep doing
whatever it takes to get rich
471
00:16:11,996 --> 00:16:13,729
by cutting corners and breaking laws,
472
00:16:13,832 --> 00:16:15,565
this is where you're going to wind up...
473
00:16:15,667 --> 00:16:17,500
cleaning up trash
by the side of the road,
474
00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:18,801
like a common criminal.
475
00:16:18,903 --> 00:16:20,503
Why do I have to do this?
476
00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:22,205
Because you're missing one booster shot.
477
00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:23,273
You're not gonna die,
478
00:16:23,341 --> 00:16:25,107
and a little dirt never killed anybody.
479
00:16:25,210 --> 00:16:27,009
Mama would never let that happen to you.
480
00:16:27,111 --> 00:16:28,578
Don't touch that needle!
481
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:29,779
Taylor: This isn't fair!
482
00:16:29,881 --> 00:16:32,481
Come on. I want to pick up trash, too.
483
00:16:32,584 --> 00:16:35,116
No! You stay in there and keep studying.
484
00:16:35,141 --> 00:16:36,476
And you're only playing one sport,
485
00:16:36,501 --> 00:16:37,799
so you can concentrate
on your schoolwork.
486
00:16:37,824 --> 00:16:38,890
That stinks!
487
00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:41,912
Well, it's what I think,
and you can't control it.
488
00:16:41,937 --> 00:16:43,002
No after-school babysitter
489
00:16:43,027 --> 00:16:44,694
could parent my kids the way I do.
490
00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:46,195
I'm not just looking after them.
491
00:16:46,297 --> 00:16:49,332
I am trying to shape them
into halfway-decent people.
492
00:16:49,434 --> 00:16:51,601
There's an old sock next to the shrub.
493
00:16:51,703 --> 00:16:52,703
I'm not touching that.
494
00:16:52,804 --> 00:16:54,637
In prison, you'd be touching worse.
495
00:16:56,808 --> 00:16:59,408
Besides, if some babysitter
made my kids do this,
496
00:16:59,510 --> 00:17:01,277
I'd probably have them arrested.
497
00:17:01,379 --> 00:17:05,047
John Adams and Thomas Jefferson
both died on July 4, 1826...
498
00:17:05,149 --> 00:17:07,550
the 50th anniversary
of American independence.
499
00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:08,652
They wrote...
500
00:17:08,753 --> 00:17:10,419
How could you support me taking a job
501
00:17:10,521 --> 00:17:12,722
when raising our kids is so important?
502
00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:15,345
Katie, I'm Skyping with my students.
Can this wait?
503
00:17:15,564 --> 00:17:17,812
Oh, they're five grad students,
and four of them are ladies.
504
00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:19,672
- They need to hear this.
- Can you hold that thought...
505
00:17:19,697 --> 00:17:23,900
Ladies, being a stay-at-home mom
suuucks.
506
00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:25,568
It does.
507
00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:27,203
But I'm like one of those Navy SEALs
508
00:17:27,305 --> 00:17:29,472
they sent to kill Osama bin Laden.
509
00:17:29,574 --> 00:17:32,074
They dodged the bullets
and didn't get a lot of sleep,
510
00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:34,443
but they were convinced
that they were doing
511
00:17:34,545 --> 00:17:36,212
the most important job in the world.
512
00:17:36,281 --> 00:17:38,347
And being at home with my kids
513
00:17:38,449 --> 00:17:41,183
is the most important thing
I could be doing right now.
514
00:17:41,286 --> 00:17:42,551
But don't fool yourselves.
515
00:17:42,654 --> 00:17:44,520
Being a working mom sucks, too...
516
00:17:44,622 --> 00:17:46,822
just in a different way.
517
00:17:46,925 --> 00:17:49,225
Guys, you've got it made.
518
00:17:49,327 --> 00:17:51,452
My husband is working in bed right now,
519
00:17:51,477 --> 00:17:52,741
and he's not wearing any pants.
520
00:17:52,766 --> 00:17:55,321
- Class dismissed.
- Oh, come on! They've met me!
521
00:17:55,430 --> 00:17:56,565
They know what you're dealing with.
522
00:17:56,668 --> 00:17:58,167
[Whispering]
These aren't my grad students.
523
00:17:58,269 --> 00:18:00,469
This is History 101.
524
00:18:00,571 --> 00:18:02,705
300 freshmen.
525
00:18:02,807 --> 00:18:04,373
[Gasps]
526
00:18:07,211 --> 00:18:08,377
Go, Cardinals.
527
00:18:10,682 --> 00:18:12,415
Why didn't you shut me up?
528
00:18:12,483 --> 00:18:14,150
You compared yourself with SEAL Team 6.
529
00:18:14,252 --> 00:18:15,852
I was curious to see where it was going.
530
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:18,681
Besides, I didn't think you were gonna
bring up I'm not wearing pants.
531
00:18:19,590 --> 00:18:20,890
So, you're turning down the job?
532
00:18:20,992 --> 00:18:22,792
I'm turning down the job.
533
00:18:23,661 --> 00:18:25,027
Anna-Kat: Mama! You were right!
534
00:18:25,129 --> 00:18:26,829
It stings bad!
535
00:18:26,898 --> 00:18:28,297
[Sighs]
536
00:18:28,366 --> 00:18:30,299
No, no, no, no, no.
537
00:18:30,401 --> 00:18:31,801
You take your nap.
538
00:18:31,903 --> 00:18:33,336
I'll take care of this.
539
00:18:33,438 --> 00:18:34,737
Thank you.
540
00:18:42,380 --> 00:18:43,713
[Sighs heavily]
541
00:18:43,815 --> 00:18:45,815
["Dreams" plays]
542
00:18:45,917 --> 00:18:49,685
- [Indistinct talking, clanking in distance]
- ♪ And, oh, my dreams ♪
543
00:18:49,787 --> 00:18:53,389
♪ It's never quite as it seems ♪
544
00:18:53,491 --> 00:18:56,058
♪ 'Cause you're a dream to me ♪
545
00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:58,194
[Greg moaning]
546
00:18:58,296 --> 00:19:00,296
[Moaning] No.
547
00:19:00,398 --> 00:19:01,864
[Moaning]
548
00:19:01,966 --> 00:19:04,767
Would you rather have hair
for teeth or teeth for hair?
549
00:19:04,836 --> 00:19:07,169
Hair for teeth. No-brainer.
Smoothies for every meal.
550
00:19:10,174 --> 00:19:11,394
Hey, what are you doing down here?
551
00:19:11,419 --> 00:19:12,785
I thought you needed a nap.
552
00:19:12,810 --> 00:19:14,076
I do.
553
00:19:14,178 --> 00:19:16,245
But I don't want to miss the fun parts.
554
00:19:17,115 --> 00:19:20,182
And, Oliver, I don't want you
to miss the fun parts, either.
555
00:19:20,284 --> 00:19:23,252
I think it's time
we let the stock market club go.
556
00:19:23,354 --> 00:19:24,720
You need to be a kid.
557
00:19:24,822 --> 00:19:26,589
I promise you can be a capitalist pig
558
00:19:26,657 --> 00:19:28,024
when you grow up.
559
00:19:28,126 --> 00:19:29,126
Thanks, Mom.
560
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:30,160
Can we eat?
561
00:19:30,261 --> 00:19:32,128
- Yeah. [Chuckling]
- [Laughs]
562
00:19:32,230 --> 00:19:33,462
Whoo!
563
00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:36,866
Okay, let's review.
564
00:19:37,001 --> 00:19:39,402
Being a stay-at-home mom does suck.
565
00:19:39,504 --> 00:19:41,404
And it's really important.
566
00:19:41,506 --> 00:19:45,408
But also, it can be
the best thing in the world.
567
00:19:45,510 --> 00:19:46,675
So yeah.
568
00:19:46,744 --> 00:19:48,944
This is what I would rather.
569
00:19:50,048 --> 00:19:51,547
[Laughs]
570
00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:53,682
♪
571
00:19:59,209 --> 00:20:01,342
[Sighs]
572
00:20:02,346 --> 00:20:04,613
Whoever it is, leave now.
573
00:20:04,714 --> 00:20:05,947
I just need to brush my teeth.
574
00:20:06,049 --> 00:20:07,049
Anna-Kat!
575
00:20:07,150 --> 00:20:08,449
Mom, Crossing Guard Sandy
just dropped off
576
00:20:08,551 --> 00:20:09,717
a written warning for you.
577
00:20:09,819 --> 00:20:11,252
Let me file that right here.
578
00:20:11,354 --> 00:20:12,587
[Splash]
579
00:20:12,689 --> 00:20:13,922
Not looking. Not looking.
580
00:20:14,024 --> 00:20:16,257
Guys! We are not a naked family!
581
00:20:16,359 --> 00:20:18,192
Nice picture of you
in the school newsletter.
582
00:20:18,295 --> 00:20:20,595
Ugh. Another one for the tub.
583
00:20:20,697 --> 00:20:21,996
Now, everybody, get...
584
00:20:22,098 --> 00:20:23,665
- Sorry.
- Greg?!
585
00:20:23,767 --> 00:20:25,777
I'm trying to balance out four DayQuil,
two NyQuil, and a Pepto-Bismol.
586
00:20:25,802 --> 00:20:26,878
I'm really chasing the dragon here.
587
00:20:26,903 --> 00:20:27,602
Get out!
588
00:20:27,704 --> 00:20:28,536
Get out! [Screaming]
589
00:20:28,638 --> 00:20:31,306
Get out! Get out! Get out!
590
00:20:31,408 --> 00:20:32,473
[Door slams]
591
00:20:32,575 --> 00:20:35,543
[Sighs deeply]
42055
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