All language subtitles for American Housewife - 01x02 - The Nap.FLEET.English.HI.C.updated.Addic7ed.com

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,600 --> 00:00:02,932 ♪ 2 00:00:03,035 --> 00:00:04,835 Mom. Mom. Wake up. 3 00:00:04,860 --> 00:00:06,309 - [Gasps] - I think I'm having a heart attack. 4 00:00:06,405 --> 00:00:07,725 You're not having a heart attack. 5 00:00:07,773 --> 00:00:10,173 My chest is pounding, and I'm slick from sweat... 6 00:00:10,275 --> 00:00:11,941 classic coronary event symptoms. 7 00:00:12,044 --> 00:00:14,044 I made a bad trade in my stock market club. 8 00:00:14,069 --> 00:00:16,112 [Sighs] This is why bankers die at 40. 9 00:00:16,214 --> 00:00:18,682 So you have 28 years until your first heart attack. 10 00:00:18,784 --> 00:00:19,849 Go rest up for it. 11 00:00:19,952 --> 00:00:20,750 [Sighs] 12 00:00:20,852 --> 00:00:22,586 [Snoring] 13 00:00:24,089 --> 00:00:25,755 Mama. [Gasps] 14 00:00:25,857 --> 00:00:27,857 Sweetie, what's the matter? 15 00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,225 I had my dream again. 16 00:00:29,328 --> 00:00:32,262 I was on the Titanic, just like in the movie, 17 00:00:32,364 --> 00:00:34,464 but I was in bed with the old couple. 18 00:00:34,566 --> 00:00:35,465 Oh. 19 00:00:35,534 --> 00:00:37,100 Get in here. 20 00:00:38,170 --> 00:00:39,235 Taylor: Mom, I'm going for a run. 21 00:00:39,338 --> 00:00:40,170 [Gasps] 22 00:00:40,272 --> 00:00:41,171 Taylor... 23 00:00:41,273 --> 00:00:42,872 it's 5:30 in the morning! 24 00:00:42,975 --> 00:00:44,074 It's 6:25. 25 00:00:44,176 --> 00:00:46,643 You mixed up the big hand and the little hand again. 26 00:00:46,745 --> 00:00:47,865 'Cause it's dark in my room! 27 00:00:47,946 --> 00:00:49,412 Because it's 5:30! 28 00:00:49,548 --> 00:00:50,548 [Sighs] 29 00:00:50,616 --> 00:00:52,382 Just buy me a digital clock already! 30 00:00:54,386 --> 00:00:55,552 [Snoring] 31 00:00:55,654 --> 00:00:57,721 Katie: How did he sleep through all this? 32 00:00:57,823 --> 00:00:59,289 I'm gonna kill him! 33 00:00:59,391 --> 00:01:02,092 But then I'd have to take care of these animals by myself. 34 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:04,194 Damn it! Greg lives! 35 00:01:04,296 --> 00:01:09,192 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 36 00:01:09,635 --> 00:01:11,234 ♪ 37 00:01:11,336 --> 00:01:13,603 You don't need to Purell your belly. 38 00:01:13,705 --> 00:01:15,171 Oh, my little germaphobe. 39 00:01:15,273 --> 00:01:17,774 At this point, she's more Purell than girl. 40 00:01:17,909 --> 00:01:19,442 Yo, Scooby, your stock market club 41 00:01:19,544 --> 00:01:21,211 is getting a little too serious. 42 00:01:21,313 --> 00:01:22,846 No more waking me up in the middle of the night 43 00:01:22,948 --> 00:01:24,981 with fake symptoms of a fake heart attack. 44 00:01:25,006 --> 00:01:26,044 Can't help it, Mom. 45 00:01:26,069 --> 00:01:28,410 It's this type of intensity that's gonna make me rich... 46 00:01:28,435 --> 00:01:30,754 so I can afford things like matching plates. 47 00:01:30,856 --> 00:01:32,222 First apartment. Red Lobster. 48 00:01:32,357 --> 00:01:34,624 Mom, I need you to sign this permission slip for basketball, 49 00:01:34,693 --> 00:01:36,493 and here's my revised soccer schedule. 50 00:01:36,595 --> 00:01:38,595 You know, if you spent as much time on schoolwork 51 00:01:38,664 --> 00:01:40,830 as you did on sports, you'd be valedictorian. 52 00:01:40,899 --> 00:01:43,533 I can guarantee you that's not true. 53 00:01:43,602 --> 00:01:45,935 I feel great... a full nine hours. 54 00:01:46,004 --> 00:01:47,070 Who wants Kashi? 55 00:01:47,739 --> 00:01:49,172 [Computer chimes] 56 00:01:49,274 --> 00:01:51,141 Peter Felton sent you an e-mail? 57 00:01:54,246 --> 00:01:55,246 Huh. 58 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:57,580 My old job has opened up again. 59 00:01:57,683 --> 00:01:58,882 Before he hires someone else, 60 00:01:58,984 --> 00:02:00,384 he wants to know if I'm interested. 61 00:02:00,485 --> 00:02:01,685 Yes! 62 00:02:01,787 --> 00:02:03,553 I mean, you are, aren't you? No? 63 00:02:03,655 --> 00:02:04,788 Only if you want to. Do you? 64 00:02:04,813 --> 00:02:06,044 Why don't you take the floor on this? 65 00:02:06,069 --> 00:02:10,026 Greg, you realize if I worked, we would have to hire someone 66 00:02:10,128 --> 00:02:12,395 to clean the house and watch the kids, 67 00:02:12,531 --> 00:02:14,798 so there'd only be, like, this much extra money. 68 00:02:14,900 --> 00:02:16,332 No, we wouldn't have to hire someone to clean the house. 69 00:02:16,435 --> 00:02:17,555 You could do it on Saturdays. 70 00:02:17,602 --> 00:02:19,202 I retract that... obviously. 71 00:02:21,139 --> 00:02:22,139 I'll think about it. 72 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:24,074 He wants to know by the end of the day. 73 00:02:24,176 --> 00:02:25,976 Can you drive Taylor to soccer this afternoon? 74 00:02:26,078 --> 00:02:28,078 Oh, I'd love to, but I have to go to campus to give a lecture. 75 00:02:28,213 --> 00:02:29,245 [Sighs] 76 00:02:29,347 --> 00:02:31,514 Taylor! Oliver! In the car! 77 00:02:31,616 --> 00:02:33,049 Anna-Kat? 78 00:02:33,151 --> 00:02:36,352 Anna-Kat, it will sting if you put it there. 79 00:02:36,421 --> 00:02:37,620 ♪ 80 00:02:37,723 --> 00:02:39,789 Mama, Oliver hit me in the nuts. 81 00:02:39,858 --> 00:02:41,458 Sweetie, girls don't have nuts. 82 00:02:41,593 --> 00:02:42,625 I'm pretty sure they do. 83 00:02:42,728 --> 00:02:44,961 I didn't hit her. I gave her her water bottle. 84 00:02:45,063 --> 00:02:47,397 Yeah, and you slammed it hard right in my nuts. 85 00:02:47,499 --> 00:02:49,966 Okay, I'm too tired for this. Everybody out. 86 00:02:50,068 --> 00:02:52,001 Mom, you're supposed to wait until we're at the front of the line. 87 00:02:52,104 --> 00:02:53,870 Not today. Out! 88 00:02:55,574 --> 00:02:57,540 You can't let them out here! 89 00:02:57,642 --> 00:02:59,242 They're on the sidewalk! 90 00:02:59,311 --> 00:03:01,244 I bet running over Crossing Guard Sandy 91 00:03:01,346 --> 00:03:04,714 would make a real satisfying "Tha-thunk!" sound. 92 00:03:04,816 --> 00:03:07,650 ♪ 93 00:03:07,753 --> 00:03:09,619 Guys, I'm not even here. 94 00:03:09,755 --> 00:03:11,788 I got to get groceries, buy Taylor a digital clock, 95 00:03:11,890 --> 00:03:13,450 track down a thousand brown sugar cubes 96 00:03:13,525 --> 00:03:14,925 for Anna-Kat's Great Wall of China. 97 00:03:15,026 --> 00:03:16,466 Honestly, what is she going to learn 98 00:03:16,528 --> 00:03:17,827 by watching me build that thing? 99 00:03:17,929 --> 00:03:19,095 Okay, sit down a second. 100 00:03:19,197 --> 00:03:20,197 [Sighs] 101 00:03:20,232 --> 00:03:22,132 What is going on? 102 00:03:22,234 --> 00:03:24,734 Staying at home with the kids... 103 00:03:24,836 --> 00:03:26,002 is exhausting. 104 00:03:26,104 --> 00:03:28,138 I know! 105 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:29,240 Shut up. 106 00:03:29,274 --> 00:03:31,508 You're a mother, and you stay at home, 107 00:03:31,610 --> 00:03:33,710 but you have a housekeeper, a nanny... 108 00:03:33,812 --> 00:03:35,745 A house manager... whatever that is. 109 00:03:35,847 --> 00:03:37,347 She manages my house. 110 00:03:37,449 --> 00:03:39,082 I never run out of anything. 111 00:03:39,151 --> 00:03:41,785 I don't even know what running out of toilet paper feels like. 112 00:03:41,887 --> 00:03:43,553 It feels like a coffee filter. 113 00:03:43,655 --> 00:03:45,622 [Both laugh] 114 00:03:45,724 --> 00:03:48,224 Katie, look, you are a real stay-at-home mom, 115 00:03:48,326 --> 00:03:50,126 not like some of these other women in Westport... 116 00:03:50,228 --> 00:03:50,960 like her. 117 00:03:51,062 --> 00:03:52,662 I am not like them, okay? 118 00:03:52,764 --> 00:03:53,596 I'm way richer. 119 00:03:53,698 --> 00:03:54,931 [Chuckles] 120 00:03:55,033 --> 00:03:56,432 And Celeste and I share custody... 121 00:03:56,535 --> 00:03:58,434 three days on, four days off. 122 00:03:58,459 --> 00:04:00,303 - Dirty little secret about divorce? - Mm-hmm. 123 00:04:00,328 --> 00:04:01,815 Just when you want to slip your kids a Benadryl 124 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:04,007 and leave them at the animal shelter, 125 00:04:04,032 --> 00:04:05,932 you get to give them back to your ex. 126 00:04:06,111 --> 00:04:08,011 Ohh, I can't leave Greg. 127 00:04:08,146 --> 00:04:10,346 Can I? Nah. 128 00:04:10,448 --> 00:04:11,448 Nah. 129 00:04:11,483 --> 00:04:12,515 No. 130 00:04:12,617 --> 00:04:14,017 I just went over the school calendar. 131 00:04:14,052 --> 00:04:18,121 My kids have 11 days of school in the entire month of November. 132 00:04:18,223 --> 00:04:19,455 That's a straight-up war on women. 133 00:04:19,558 --> 00:04:21,067 You know what else is a straight-up war on women? 134 00:04:21,092 --> 00:04:22,569 - That whole half-day thing. - Mm. 135 00:04:22,594 --> 00:04:24,604 Can Mama stay at home and watch "Unreal" on Lifetime 136 00:04:24,629 --> 00:04:25,838 - or not?! - Mm-hmm. 137 00:04:25,863 --> 00:04:27,163 You know what you need, Katie? 138 00:04:27,265 --> 00:04:28,731 You need a break from being a mom. 139 00:04:28,834 --> 00:04:30,099 - A break? - Yes! 140 00:04:30,202 --> 00:04:31,242 Do all that stuff tomorrow 141 00:04:31,336 --> 00:04:33,436 and do something for yourself today. 142 00:04:33,461 --> 00:04:34,581 - You're right. - I know. 143 00:04:34,606 --> 00:04:36,439 I do need a break. 144 00:04:36,541 --> 00:04:37,974 I'm gonna take a nap. 145 00:04:38,043 --> 00:04:39,475 Oh! You never take naps. 146 00:04:39,578 --> 00:04:42,045 I know! That's what's going to make this one so delicious. 147 00:04:42,147 --> 00:04:43,012 Ooh! [Chuckles] 148 00:04:43,114 --> 00:04:44,347 Oh! Call your housekeeper now 149 00:04:44,449 --> 00:04:46,449 so she puts lavender underneath your pillow. 150 00:04:46,551 --> 00:04:47,984 [Sighs] 151 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:51,354 I'm sensing you guys are reaching maximum Doris. 152 00:04:51,456 --> 00:04:52,456 Yeah. 153 00:04:52,557 --> 00:04:54,724 But it's okay, because I'm taking a nap. 154 00:04:54,826 --> 00:04:56,125 [Laughter] 155 00:04:58,129 --> 00:04:59,596 [Engine starts] 156 00:05:01,299 --> 00:05:03,233 Ugh! That's Oliver's lunch! 157 00:05:03,301 --> 00:05:05,034 The curse of a stay-at-home mom. 158 00:05:05,136 --> 00:05:06,970 You know, if I had a job, I'd be at work, 159 00:05:07,072 --> 00:05:09,539 and everyone would be like, "Eh, she's at work." 160 00:05:09,641 --> 00:05:12,342 Man, I'd blame everything on work. 161 00:05:12,444 --> 00:05:14,477 ♪ 162 00:05:18,316 --> 00:05:19,316 All right. 163 00:05:19,417 --> 00:05:20,583 I'm in and out. 164 00:05:20,685 --> 00:05:22,118 Mrs. Otto! 165 00:05:22,220 --> 00:05:24,187 - You can't park there! - You don't need to acknowledge her. 166 00:05:24,256 --> 00:05:25,855 - Just smile and keep going. - Mrs. Otto! 167 00:05:25,957 --> 00:05:27,457 Like when you're watching a movie with your parents 168 00:05:27,559 --> 00:05:30,637 - and people start doing it. - Mrs. Otto, I know you can hear me! 169 00:05:30,662 --> 00:05:32,662 I bet Sandy's never done it. 170 00:05:36,101 --> 00:05:37,200 [Yawns] 171 00:05:37,302 --> 00:05:40,069 Can you please make sure this gets to Oliver Otto? 172 00:05:40,171 --> 00:05:41,304 Mrs. Otto! 173 00:05:42,807 --> 00:05:44,340 Nurse Chapel. [Chuckles] 174 00:05:44,442 --> 00:05:46,776 I really need the kids' vaccination dates. 175 00:05:46,878 --> 00:05:49,112 - I've e-mailed you three times! - Mm-hmm. Right. 176 00:05:49,214 --> 00:05:51,481 The dates are right in my phone, right here. 177 00:05:51,583 --> 00:05:53,716 This really should've been taken care of weeks ago. 178 00:05:53,818 --> 00:05:54,851 I know, 179 00:05:54,953 --> 00:05:57,754 I've been ignoring many, many reminders. 180 00:05:57,889 --> 00:06:00,290 If I had a job, I'd have my assistant do this. 181 00:06:00,392 --> 00:06:01,925 I'd have my assistant do everything. 182 00:06:02,027 --> 00:06:03,293 And he'd be cute. 183 00:06:03,428 --> 00:06:06,296 - Thank you. - No, thank you. 184 00:06:07,399 --> 00:06:08,665 Katie! 185 00:06:08,733 --> 00:06:10,700 Ugh! Skinny mommies in tight, white jeans. 186 00:06:10,802 --> 00:06:12,068 Good for you. 187 00:06:12,170 --> 00:06:14,037 We need to get your picture for the school newsletter. 188 00:06:14,139 --> 00:06:16,539 Not now, Suzanne. This is not what I look like. 189 00:06:16,641 --> 00:06:18,508 [Scoffs] It pretty much is. 190 00:06:18,610 --> 00:06:19,909 [Camera clicks] 191 00:06:20,011 --> 00:06:21,011 Chin up, Katie. 192 00:06:21,112 --> 00:06:22,545 I have a double chin, so... 193 00:06:22,647 --> 00:06:23,647 Try the other side. 194 00:06:23,715 --> 00:06:25,115 Okay, well, it's on that side, too. 195 00:06:25,150 --> 00:06:26,182 [Camera clicks] 196 00:06:28,019 --> 00:06:29,919 [Yawns] 197 00:06:30,021 --> 00:06:31,387 Mrs. Otto! 198 00:06:31,523 --> 00:06:33,756 You are not supposed to park in the yellow! 199 00:06:33,858 --> 00:06:35,558 Do not make me write you up. 200 00:06:35,660 --> 00:06:36,759 Write me up? 201 00:06:36,861 --> 00:06:38,394 Is it possible this woman is insane? 202 00:06:38,463 --> 00:06:40,930 How are you supposed to talk to an insane person? 203 00:06:41,032 --> 00:06:44,100 Okay, Sandy. You're the boss. 204 00:06:44,202 --> 00:06:45,868 [The Cranberries' "Dreams" plays] 205 00:06:45,971 --> 00:06:48,438 My nap is 5 feet away. 206 00:06:50,141 --> 00:06:53,376 ♪ It's never quite as it seems ♪ 207 00:06:53,478 --> 00:06:54,911 - Hey. - [Music distorts, fades] 208 00:06:55,013 --> 00:06:56,713 What are you doing here? I thought you were at work. 209 00:06:56,815 --> 00:06:57,815 I think I'm getting sick. 210 00:06:57,849 --> 00:06:58,982 What are you talking about? 211 00:06:59,084 --> 00:07:00,817 You were perfectly fine two hours ago. 212 00:07:00,919 --> 00:07:02,719 Yeah, but when I got in the car, I started feeling clammy. 213 00:07:02,821 --> 00:07:05,121 My throat is scratchy, and my tongue is big. 214 00:07:05,223 --> 00:07:07,190 [Mumbling] I'm, like, very aware of my tongue. 215 00:07:07,292 --> 00:07:09,092 I need sleep and my neti pot. 216 00:07:09,194 --> 00:07:11,527 He's not even sick! He's man-sick. 217 00:07:11,629 --> 00:07:12,929 You know what I call having a little cough 218 00:07:13,031 --> 00:07:14,297 and wanting to go back to bed? 219 00:07:14,399 --> 00:07:15,465 Every day of my life! 220 00:07:15,567 --> 00:07:16,599 Move over. 221 00:07:16,668 --> 00:07:18,001 I'm taking a nap. 222 00:07:18,103 --> 00:07:20,036 Oh, no, I totally forgot... I'm supposed to be 223 00:07:20,105 --> 00:07:21,971 the Reading Rascal today in Anna-Kat's class! 224 00:07:22,073 --> 00:07:23,773 You signed up for that on purpose? 225 00:07:23,875 --> 00:07:24,875 What are you, an idiot? 226 00:07:24,976 --> 00:07:27,777 I can't go. I might get her class sick. 227 00:07:27,879 --> 00:07:29,045 You have to cover for me. 228 00:07:29,147 --> 00:07:30,279 No. 229 00:07:30,382 --> 00:07:31,581 No, Greg. Mnh-mnh. 230 00:07:31,683 --> 00:07:33,149 But Anna-Kat picked the book. 231 00:07:33,251 --> 00:07:34,751 She's so excited. 232 00:07:34,853 --> 00:07:36,319 It's about a cat. 233 00:07:36,421 --> 00:07:39,122 I think you'll find it's got some really surprising turns. 234 00:07:39,190 --> 00:07:40,690 Fine! 235 00:07:40,792 --> 00:07:42,492 But you should not be allowed to wear that T-shirt! 236 00:07:42,594 --> 00:07:43,926 If you were a real feminist, 237 00:07:44,029 --> 00:07:46,596 you would down some DayQuil and rally like a mommy would. 238 00:07:46,698 --> 00:07:48,131 You know what? 239 00:07:48,266 --> 00:07:49,999 You're right. 240 00:07:50,068 --> 00:07:51,268 I'm gonna take off this shirt. 241 00:07:51,369 --> 00:07:52,802 [Scoffs] 242 00:07:56,375 --> 00:07:59,451 "Hunky Mama Cat and her kittens were on their way. 243 00:07:59,476 --> 00:08:02,775 Hunky Mama Cat said, 'Where's Patches?'" 244 00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,099 Daddy does voices. 245 00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:06,593 Daddy also gets nine hours of sleep a night. 246 00:08:07,609 --> 00:08:10,517 "Hunky Mama Cat does every last thing for her kittens. 247 00:08:10,588 --> 00:08:13,889 She feeds them, she plays with them, 248 00:08:13,992 --> 00:08:16,078 she licks them clean." 249 00:08:16,794 --> 00:08:18,027 Does she complain? 250 00:08:18,129 --> 00:08:19,129 No. 251 00:08:19,230 --> 00:08:20,230 Mnh-mnh. 252 00:08:20,298 --> 00:08:22,198 But she has every right to complain. 253 00:08:22,300 --> 00:08:25,635 Yeah, I know it was her choice, but Hunky Mama Cat... 254 00:08:25,737 --> 00:08:27,203 still wonders... 255 00:08:27,305 --> 00:08:29,905 what the hell happened to her life. 256 00:08:30,008 --> 00:08:34,076 You know, before she decided to spew kittens onto the planet, 257 00:08:34,178 --> 00:08:36,045 she had a great job. 258 00:08:36,147 --> 00:08:38,781 She was North American sales director 259 00:08:38,883 --> 00:08:41,350 of Rollaboo Stroller Company. 260 00:08:41,486 --> 00:08:42,585 Hunky Mama Cat? 261 00:08:42,687 --> 00:08:44,153 Mm-hmm. Yes. She was. 262 00:08:44,255 --> 00:08:48,057 She got to wear high heels. She got to fly in airplanes. 263 00:08:48,159 --> 00:08:51,994 She even had the special golden corporate credit card. 264 00:08:52,063 --> 00:08:56,132 And Peter, the president of the entire corporation, 265 00:08:56,234 --> 00:08:58,300 e-mailed Hunky Mama Cat 266 00:08:58,403 --> 00:09:01,170 and offered her her old job back! 267 00:09:01,272 --> 00:09:02,605 [Sighs] 268 00:09:02,707 --> 00:09:04,173 It was the best moment. 269 00:09:04,275 --> 00:09:06,509 I mean, they want her so much 270 00:09:06,611 --> 00:09:09,111 that after 12 years, they're still coming after her. 271 00:09:09,213 --> 00:09:11,947 And every morning, there's a box of pastries, 272 00:09:12,050 --> 00:09:13,716 and I don't know who brings them, 273 00:09:13,851 --> 00:09:14,950 and I don't care! 274 00:09:15,053 --> 00:09:16,285 [Laughs] 275 00:09:16,387 --> 00:09:19,121 It's okay. My mom had a breakdown, too. 276 00:09:26,164 --> 00:09:27,164 [Sighs] 277 00:09:27,231 --> 00:09:29,298 Screw it. I'm napping here. 278 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:30,866 ["Dreams" plays] 279 00:09:30,968 --> 00:09:33,369 ♪ And, oh, my dreams ♪ 280 00:09:33,471 --> 00:09:34,471 [Sighs] 281 00:09:34,572 --> 00:09:38,340 ♪ It's never quite as it seems ♪ 282 00:09:38,376 --> 00:09:40,710 ♪ 'Cause you're a dream to me ♪ 283 00:09:40,812 --> 00:09:43,012 [Music distorts, fades] 284 00:09:43,114 --> 00:09:45,281 [Seat whirs] 285 00:09:52,557 --> 00:09:55,124 I patrol vehicles for forgotten car-seat kids. 286 00:09:55,226 --> 00:09:56,226 [Smacks lips] 287 00:09:56,260 --> 00:09:57,993 It's rare to find a drugged-out mommy. 288 00:09:58,096 --> 00:09:59,096 I'm not drugged-out. 289 00:09:59,230 --> 00:10:00,763 I deserve to be, but I'm not. 290 00:10:00,865 --> 00:10:03,132 And button up down there! 291 00:10:03,234 --> 00:10:04,934 There are children within 100 yards. 292 00:10:05,036 --> 00:10:07,136 ♪ 293 00:10:10,274 --> 00:10:11,340 Oh, how'd it go? 294 00:10:11,409 --> 00:10:13,809 I hate that evil witch, Sandy. 295 00:10:13,911 --> 00:10:15,578 You mean beloved Crossing Guard Sandy? 296 00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:17,413 She carries stunned birds to the animal shelter. 297 00:10:17,515 --> 00:10:19,181 She caught me with my pants unbuttoned, 298 00:10:19,283 --> 00:10:20,950 and now she thinks I'm a molester or something. 299 00:10:21,052 --> 00:10:22,292 Why were your pants unbuttoned? 300 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:23,686 Because I'm fat, Greg! 301 00:10:23,821 --> 00:10:24,987 I was sleeping in the car, 302 00:10:25,089 --> 00:10:27,623 and I unbuttoned myself, like a normal fat person. 303 00:10:27,758 --> 00:10:29,158 Not like a pervert. 304 00:10:29,260 --> 00:10:32,027 Scoot over. I need to rest my eyes. 305 00:10:32,129 --> 00:10:33,289 You were sleeping in the car? 306 00:10:33,364 --> 00:10:34,730 You know what... you don't understand my life. 307 00:10:34,832 --> 00:10:37,366 All I do all the time is think about other people... 308 00:10:37,468 --> 00:10:40,135 you, the kids, especially Anna-Kat. 309 00:10:40,238 --> 00:10:41,570 [Sighs heavily] 310 00:10:41,672 --> 00:10:43,105 At least you get a break. 311 00:10:43,174 --> 00:10:44,174 - A break? - Mm-hmm. 312 00:10:44,242 --> 00:10:45,941 I go to work. You seem to forget that. 313 00:10:46,043 --> 00:10:47,810 I work all day, and then I come home 314 00:10:47,912 --> 00:10:49,645 and continue to work by helping you with the kids. 315 00:10:49,747 --> 00:10:51,027 - I don't get a break. - Oh, please. 316 00:10:51,082 --> 00:10:52,114 Work is a break. 317 00:10:52,216 --> 00:10:53,582 You go to work, you have a lunch break, 318 00:10:53,684 --> 00:10:55,451 an afternoon break, a break room. 319 00:10:55,553 --> 00:10:58,297 You have a whole room dedicated to breaks. 320 00:10:58,322 --> 00:10:59,669 If work is a break, why don't you go back to work? 321 00:10:59,694 --> 00:11:00,766 - Maybe I will. - Good. 322 00:11:00,791 --> 00:11:02,668 - Don't think I won't. - Fine. I just want you to be happy. 323 00:11:02,693 --> 00:11:04,971 Well, maybe I'll just go back to work and be happy! 324 00:11:04,996 --> 00:11:06,996 You realize I'm agreeing with you and your voice just keeps getting louder? 325 00:11:07,098 --> 00:11:10,165 It's 'cause I'm tired. And I need a nap. 326 00:11:10,268 --> 00:11:12,268 - [Telephone rings] - [Groans] That's the landline. 327 00:11:12,370 --> 00:11:14,503 If someone is trying to sell me solar power again, 328 00:11:14,605 --> 00:11:15,971 I'm gonna go ape turd on them! 329 00:11:16,073 --> 00:11:17,406 - [Beep] - [Sighs] 330 00:11:17,475 --> 00:11:19,208 Take me off your list! 331 00:11:20,311 --> 00:11:21,377 Oh. 332 00:11:21,479 --> 00:11:22,511 Really? 333 00:11:23,948 --> 00:11:26,282 Okay. Somebody will be there. 334 00:11:26,384 --> 00:11:27,917 No, thank you. 335 00:11:28,019 --> 00:11:29,718 - [Beep] - What is it? 336 00:11:29,821 --> 00:11:31,754 Oliver got caught insider-trading 337 00:11:31,856 --> 00:11:33,656 in his stock-market club. 338 00:11:33,758 --> 00:11:35,157 Is that even possible 339 00:11:35,259 --> 00:11:36,892 in a made-up club using pretend money? 340 00:11:36,961 --> 00:11:38,394 It's idiotic, but it's cheating. 341 00:11:38,529 --> 00:11:40,362 He's suspended for the rest of the day. 342 00:11:40,464 --> 00:11:41,397 You have to go pick him up. 343 00:11:41,499 --> 00:11:42,965 I took a double dose of DayQuil. 344 00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:43,899 So?! 345 00:11:44,001 --> 00:11:45,401 Well, I'm not good on uppers. 346 00:11:45,503 --> 00:11:46,702 It has the opposite effect on me. 347 00:11:46,804 --> 00:11:47,804 Up is down, down is up. 348 00:11:47,905 --> 00:11:49,371 I keep thinking I'm smelling mangos. 349 00:11:49,473 --> 00:11:50,372 Oh, Greg! 350 00:11:50,474 --> 00:11:52,308 Is there anything normal about you? 351 00:11:52,410 --> 00:11:55,244 I'm all jacked up, honey! It's not safe for anybody! 352 00:11:55,379 --> 00:11:56,278 ♪ 353 00:11:56,380 --> 00:11:57,847 Insider trading, Oliver? 354 00:11:57,949 --> 00:11:59,148 I used to have one goal in life... 355 00:11:59,250 --> 00:12:01,050 to have a man-made stream in my yard. 356 00:12:01,152 --> 00:12:02,318 Now I have a new one... 357 00:12:02,420 --> 00:12:04,887 keep my only son out of white-collar prison. 358 00:12:04,989 --> 00:12:06,488 White-collar prison isn't that bad. 359 00:12:06,624 --> 00:12:08,924 Grant Windsor's dad was in for 16 months. 360 00:12:09,026 --> 00:12:11,560 All he did was play squash and get super-ripped. 361 00:12:11,629 --> 00:12:12,728 Which is why I'm going to make sure 362 00:12:12,830 --> 00:12:14,597 they put you in regular prison. 363 00:12:14,699 --> 00:12:17,233 That is now my new goal in life, young man! 364 00:12:18,002 --> 00:12:18,901 Mrs. Otto. 365 00:12:19,003 --> 00:12:20,135 Nurse Chapel. 366 00:12:20,238 --> 00:12:22,304 I thought it was strange that all of your children 367 00:12:22,406 --> 00:12:23,939 got their shots on their birthdays, 368 00:12:24,041 --> 00:12:25,641 so I troubled myself to put in a call 369 00:12:25,743 --> 00:12:27,142 to your pediatrician. 370 00:12:27,245 --> 00:12:28,644 I think you know where this is headed. 371 00:12:28,746 --> 00:12:30,846 I do. Can we just get to it? 372 00:12:30,948 --> 00:12:32,748 You just can't make up vaccination dates 373 00:12:32,817 --> 00:12:34,750 and put them on official school documents. 374 00:12:34,852 --> 00:12:37,887 I don't know, Mom. I think that falls under mail fraud. 375 00:12:37,989 --> 00:12:40,389 Good instincts, Oliver. Aggravate me. 376 00:12:40,491 --> 00:12:42,191 Anna-Kat needs a booster today. 377 00:12:42,293 --> 00:12:43,653 You have to pull her out of class. 378 00:12:43,694 --> 00:12:44,493 Now?! 379 00:12:44,595 --> 00:12:46,462 She could be teeming with disease. 380 00:12:46,564 --> 00:12:47,663 Teeming with it! 381 00:12:47,765 --> 00:12:50,165 Okay. Nurse Chapel, you are here. 382 00:12:50,268 --> 00:12:51,700 I'm gonna need you here. 383 00:12:51,802 --> 00:12:54,169 ♪ 384 00:12:55,940 --> 00:12:58,874 You let me walk around completely unprotected?! 385 00:12:58,976 --> 00:13:01,243 It's not a big deal. It's an MMR booster. 386 00:13:01,345 --> 00:13:03,746 That's measles, mumps, and rubella. 387 00:13:04,548 --> 00:13:06,582 That's what I have. I have all of that! 388 00:13:06,717 --> 00:13:07,797 You don't have any of that. 389 00:13:07,852 --> 00:13:09,151 Hang on. 390 00:13:09,253 --> 00:13:10,619 I forgot something. 391 00:13:10,721 --> 00:13:13,289 There's no way I'm coming back here for just one kid. 392 00:13:13,391 --> 00:13:15,724 I was right in the middle of practice. 393 00:13:15,826 --> 00:13:17,866 You were supposed to be in the middle of math class. 394 00:13:17,895 --> 00:13:20,141 You said I could miss math today to practice basketball 395 00:13:20,166 --> 00:13:21,730 because now I have soccer after school. 396 00:13:21,755 --> 00:13:22,845 When did I say that?! 397 00:13:22,869 --> 00:13:24,234 When you signed the permission slip this morning. 398 00:13:24,235 --> 00:13:26,035 Ohh! I thought it was for something else. 399 00:13:26,137 --> 00:13:27,377 I can't control what you think. 400 00:13:27,438 --> 00:13:29,305 ♪ 401 00:13:30,942 --> 00:13:32,775 Ugh! 402 00:13:32,877 --> 00:13:33,976 [Gasps] 403 00:13:35,012 --> 00:13:36,946 What?! 404 00:13:38,282 --> 00:13:40,783 Sandy!! 405 00:13:40,885 --> 00:13:42,051 I can't. 406 00:13:42,153 --> 00:13:44,386 I can't do it anymore. I just can't. 407 00:13:44,488 --> 00:13:47,296 I have a marketing degree from Duke! 408 00:13:47,321 --> 00:13:48,641 [Sighs] 409 00:13:53,038 --> 00:13:54,106 [Sighs] 410 00:13:54,131 --> 00:13:55,920 The school gave you a boot? 411 00:13:55,945 --> 00:13:59,146 No, I bought it on eBay with some of my Christmas tips. 412 00:14:00,765 --> 00:14:02,932 Thanks for the empty card, by the way. 413 00:14:03,001 --> 00:14:05,168 [Scoffs] Just let me go. 414 00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:07,003 I don't know who you think you are. 415 00:14:08,339 --> 00:14:10,907 I don't know who I am, either. 416 00:14:11,009 --> 00:14:12,809 What happened to me, Sandy? 417 00:14:12,911 --> 00:14:15,077 Look at you. You've got a job. 418 00:14:15,180 --> 00:14:17,413 You're in a position of authority. 419 00:14:17,515 --> 00:14:18,748 You have a purpose. 420 00:14:18,850 --> 00:14:20,116 Kind of. 421 00:14:20,218 --> 00:14:21,350 And I have seen you 422 00:14:21,452 --> 00:14:23,786 sitting on your folding chair under the shade umbrella 423 00:14:23,888 --> 00:14:25,555 taking a nap. 424 00:14:25,657 --> 00:14:26,756 You got it all. 425 00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:28,991 A job, naps... 426 00:14:29,093 --> 00:14:30,793 everything. 427 00:14:30,895 --> 00:14:33,095 And I admire you. 428 00:14:33,198 --> 00:14:35,231 How sad is that? 429 00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:38,835 And all I have is a car with three kids in it 430 00:14:38,937 --> 00:14:41,571 and a really bad smell that I cannot seems to locate. 431 00:14:41,673 --> 00:14:43,306 I don't think it's me. 432 00:14:43,408 --> 00:14:44,607 [Sniffs] 433 00:14:44,709 --> 00:14:46,008 It might be me. 434 00:14:46,110 --> 00:14:48,211 When did this become my life? 435 00:14:48,313 --> 00:14:51,385 You're right, Crossing Guard Sandy. 436 00:14:51,483 --> 00:14:54,117 [Smacks lips] I need to go back to work. 437 00:14:56,254 --> 00:14:57,954 Next time I'll have you towed. 438 00:14:58,056 --> 00:15:00,189 ♪ 439 00:15:00,258 --> 00:15:02,692 I open up to her, and this is what I get! 440 00:15:02,794 --> 00:15:05,194 You know what? I'm taking these cones. 441 00:15:07,465 --> 00:15:08,531 Here. 442 00:15:09,934 --> 00:15:11,067 Why did you only take four? 443 00:15:11,169 --> 00:15:12,802 Because the last thing that I need 444 00:15:12,904 --> 00:15:15,004 is 12 traffic cones garbaging up our garage 445 00:15:15,106 --> 00:15:16,372 for the rest of forever. 446 00:15:16,474 --> 00:15:17,974 [Tires squeal] 447 00:15:19,978 --> 00:15:21,711 Seriously, Mom, this is ridiculous. 448 00:15:21,813 --> 00:15:24,080 I'm missing basketball and soccer practice. 449 00:15:24,182 --> 00:15:26,816 Stop breathing your germs! I'm completely defenseless! 450 00:15:26,918 --> 00:15:28,851 - [Exhales deeply] - [Screams] 451 00:15:28,953 --> 00:15:30,486 Mom, regarding these allegations, 452 00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:32,555 I just overheard a conversation at Grant Windsor's, 453 00:15:32,590 --> 00:15:33,956 and I made a few smart trades. 454 00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:35,535 I don't want to hear it, Oliver! 455 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:38,620 You don't know what happens in business. You don't even have a job! 456 00:15:39,097 --> 00:15:41,197 [Tires screech] 457 00:15:41,299 --> 00:15:42,565 [Horns blare] 458 00:15:42,667 --> 00:15:44,400 Wh... Wh... Why did we pull over? 459 00:15:44,502 --> 00:15:46,135 What did you just say? 460 00:15:47,105 --> 00:15:48,237 I love you? 461 00:15:48,339 --> 00:15:50,106 Did you just say that I don't have a job? 462 00:15:50,208 --> 00:15:51,374 For your information, 463 00:15:51,442 --> 00:15:54,377 being a stay-at-home mom is my job! 464 00:15:54,479 --> 00:15:57,246 But apparently, today, I'm pretty crappy at it! 465 00:15:57,348 --> 00:15:58,948 But not anymore! 466 00:15:59,050 --> 00:16:00,516 Get out of the car! 467 00:16:00,618 --> 00:16:02,785 ♪ 468 00:16:07,125 --> 00:16:08,224 This is humiliating. 469 00:16:08,326 --> 00:16:09,492 Good. 470 00:16:09,594 --> 00:16:11,894 If you keep doing whatever it takes to get rich 471 00:16:11,996 --> 00:16:13,729 by cutting corners and breaking laws, 472 00:16:13,832 --> 00:16:15,565 this is where you're going to wind up... 473 00:16:15,667 --> 00:16:17,500 cleaning up trash by the side of the road, 474 00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:18,801 like a common criminal. 475 00:16:18,903 --> 00:16:20,503 Why do I have to do this? 476 00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:22,205 Because you're missing one booster shot. 477 00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:23,273 You're not gonna die, 478 00:16:23,341 --> 00:16:25,107 and a little dirt never killed anybody. 479 00:16:25,210 --> 00:16:27,009 Mama would never let that happen to you. 480 00:16:27,111 --> 00:16:28,578 Don't touch that needle! 481 00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:29,779 Taylor: This isn't fair! 482 00:16:29,881 --> 00:16:32,481 Come on. I want to pick up trash, too. 483 00:16:32,584 --> 00:16:35,116 No! You stay in there and keep studying. 484 00:16:35,141 --> 00:16:36,476 And you're only playing one sport, 485 00:16:36,501 --> 00:16:37,799 so you can concentrate on your schoolwork. 486 00:16:37,824 --> 00:16:38,890 That stinks! 487 00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:41,912 Well, it's what I think, and you can't control it. 488 00:16:41,937 --> 00:16:43,002 No after-school babysitter 489 00:16:43,027 --> 00:16:44,694 could parent my kids the way I do. 490 00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:46,195 I'm not just looking after them. 491 00:16:46,297 --> 00:16:49,332 I am trying to shape them into halfway-decent people. 492 00:16:49,434 --> 00:16:51,601 There's an old sock next to the shrub. 493 00:16:51,703 --> 00:16:52,703 I'm not touching that. 494 00:16:52,804 --> 00:16:54,637 In prison, you'd be touching worse. 495 00:16:56,808 --> 00:16:59,408 Besides, if some babysitter made my kids do this, 496 00:16:59,510 --> 00:17:01,277 I'd probably have them arrested. 497 00:17:01,379 --> 00:17:05,047 John Adams and Thomas Jefferson both died on July 4, 1826... 498 00:17:05,149 --> 00:17:07,550 the 50th anniversary of American independence. 499 00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:08,652 They wrote... 500 00:17:08,753 --> 00:17:10,419 How could you support me taking a job 501 00:17:10,521 --> 00:17:12,722 when raising our kids is so important? 502 00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:15,345 Katie, I'm Skyping with my students. Can this wait? 503 00:17:15,564 --> 00:17:17,812 Oh, they're five grad students, and four of them are ladies. 504 00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:19,672 - They need to hear this. - Can you hold that thought... 505 00:17:19,697 --> 00:17:23,900 Ladies, being a stay-at-home mom suuucks. 506 00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:25,568 It does. 507 00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:27,203 But I'm like one of those Navy SEALs 508 00:17:27,305 --> 00:17:29,472 they sent to kill Osama bin Laden. 509 00:17:29,574 --> 00:17:32,074 They dodged the bullets and didn't get a lot of sleep, 510 00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:34,443 but they were convinced that they were doing 511 00:17:34,545 --> 00:17:36,212 the most important job in the world. 512 00:17:36,281 --> 00:17:38,347 And being at home with my kids 513 00:17:38,449 --> 00:17:41,183 is the most important thing I could be doing right now. 514 00:17:41,286 --> 00:17:42,551 But don't fool yourselves. 515 00:17:42,654 --> 00:17:44,520 Being a working mom sucks, too... 516 00:17:44,622 --> 00:17:46,822 just in a different way. 517 00:17:46,925 --> 00:17:49,225 Guys, you've got it made. 518 00:17:49,327 --> 00:17:51,452 My husband is working in bed right now, 519 00:17:51,477 --> 00:17:52,741 and he's not wearing any pants. 520 00:17:52,766 --> 00:17:55,321 - Class dismissed. - Oh, come on! They've met me! 521 00:17:55,430 --> 00:17:56,565 They know what you're dealing with. 522 00:17:56,668 --> 00:17:58,167 [Whispering] These aren't my grad students. 523 00:17:58,269 --> 00:18:00,469 This is History 101. 524 00:18:00,571 --> 00:18:02,705 300 freshmen. 525 00:18:02,807 --> 00:18:04,373 [Gasps] 526 00:18:07,211 --> 00:18:08,377 Go, Cardinals. 527 00:18:10,682 --> 00:18:12,415 Why didn't you shut me up? 528 00:18:12,483 --> 00:18:14,150 You compared yourself with SEAL Team 6. 529 00:18:14,252 --> 00:18:15,852 I was curious to see where it was going. 530 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:18,681 Besides, I didn't think you were gonna bring up I'm not wearing pants. 531 00:18:19,590 --> 00:18:20,890 So, you're turning down the job? 532 00:18:20,992 --> 00:18:22,792 I'm turning down the job. 533 00:18:23,661 --> 00:18:25,027 Anna-Kat: Mama! You were right! 534 00:18:25,129 --> 00:18:26,829 It stings bad! 535 00:18:26,898 --> 00:18:28,297 [Sighs] 536 00:18:28,366 --> 00:18:30,299 No, no, no, no, no. 537 00:18:30,401 --> 00:18:31,801 You take your nap. 538 00:18:31,903 --> 00:18:33,336 I'll take care of this. 539 00:18:33,438 --> 00:18:34,737 Thank you. 540 00:18:42,380 --> 00:18:43,713 [Sighs heavily] 541 00:18:43,815 --> 00:18:45,815 ["Dreams" plays] 542 00:18:45,917 --> 00:18:49,685 - [Indistinct talking, clanking in distance] - ♪ And, oh, my dreams ♪ 543 00:18:49,787 --> 00:18:53,389 ♪ It's never quite as it seems ♪ 544 00:18:53,491 --> 00:18:56,058 ♪ 'Cause you're a dream to me ♪ 545 00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:58,194 [Greg moaning] 546 00:18:58,296 --> 00:19:00,296 [Moaning] No. 547 00:19:00,398 --> 00:19:01,864 [Moaning] 548 00:19:01,966 --> 00:19:04,767 Would you rather have hair for teeth or teeth for hair? 549 00:19:04,836 --> 00:19:07,169 Hair for teeth. No-brainer. Smoothies for every meal. 550 00:19:10,174 --> 00:19:11,394 Hey, what are you doing down here? 551 00:19:11,419 --> 00:19:12,785 I thought you needed a nap. 552 00:19:12,810 --> 00:19:14,076 I do. 553 00:19:14,178 --> 00:19:16,245 But I don't want to miss the fun parts. 554 00:19:17,115 --> 00:19:20,182 And, Oliver, I don't want you to miss the fun parts, either. 555 00:19:20,284 --> 00:19:23,252 I think it's time we let the stock market club go. 556 00:19:23,354 --> 00:19:24,720 You need to be a kid. 557 00:19:24,822 --> 00:19:26,589 I promise you can be a capitalist pig 558 00:19:26,657 --> 00:19:28,024 when you grow up. 559 00:19:28,126 --> 00:19:29,126 Thanks, Mom. 560 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:30,160 Can we eat? 561 00:19:30,261 --> 00:19:32,128 - Yeah. [Chuckling] - [Laughs] 562 00:19:32,230 --> 00:19:33,462 Whoo! 563 00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:36,866 Okay, let's review. 564 00:19:37,001 --> 00:19:39,402 Being a stay-at-home mom does suck. 565 00:19:39,504 --> 00:19:41,404 And it's really important. 566 00:19:41,506 --> 00:19:45,408 But also, it can be the best thing in the world. 567 00:19:45,510 --> 00:19:46,675 So yeah. 568 00:19:46,744 --> 00:19:48,944 This is what I would rather. 569 00:19:50,048 --> 00:19:51,547 [Laughs] 570 00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:53,682 ♪ 571 00:19:59,209 --> 00:20:01,342 [Sighs] 572 00:20:02,346 --> 00:20:04,613 Whoever it is, leave now. 573 00:20:04,714 --> 00:20:05,947 I just need to brush my teeth. 574 00:20:06,049 --> 00:20:07,049 Anna-Kat! 575 00:20:07,150 --> 00:20:08,449 Mom, Crossing Guard Sandy just dropped off 576 00:20:08,551 --> 00:20:09,717 a written warning for you. 577 00:20:09,819 --> 00:20:11,252 Let me file that right here. 578 00:20:11,354 --> 00:20:12,587 [Splash] 579 00:20:12,689 --> 00:20:13,922 Not looking. Not looking. 580 00:20:14,024 --> 00:20:16,257 Guys! We are not a naked family! 581 00:20:16,359 --> 00:20:18,192 Nice picture of you in the school newsletter. 582 00:20:18,295 --> 00:20:20,595 Ugh. Another one for the tub. 583 00:20:20,697 --> 00:20:21,996 Now, everybody, get... 584 00:20:22,098 --> 00:20:23,665 - Sorry. - Greg?! 585 00:20:23,767 --> 00:20:25,777 I'm trying to balance out four DayQuil, two NyQuil, and a Pepto-Bismol. 586 00:20:25,802 --> 00:20:26,878 I'm really chasing the dragon here. 587 00:20:26,903 --> 00:20:27,602 Get out! 588 00:20:27,704 --> 00:20:28,536 Get out! [Screaming] 589 00:20:28,638 --> 00:20:31,306 Get out! Get out! Get out! 590 00:20:31,408 --> 00:20:32,473 [Door slams] 591 00:20:32,575 --> 00:20:35,543 [Sighs deeply] 42055

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