All language subtitles for family.guy.s19e06.1080p.web.h264-cakes

Everyone,
I want to thank you all

for helping us decorate
for the fall dance.

What's the theme of this dance,
anyway?

Ah, been doing this
a long time, Meg.

Literally the next thing
out of my mouth. The theme is

Dance like
it's the End of the World.

- We're going to...
- How do we even decorate
for that?

We're gonna
pump the heat up to 92

and fill the gym up
with six inches of water.

And then, you know, balloons,
streamers, all that crap.

So, thanks again.

And if anyone needs anything,
just think:

"I'm hanging balloons.

How could I possibly have
a question?"

- What do we even...
- Meg!

Thanks, guys.

So, I'm pretty sure Bobby and I

are finally gonna do it
after the dance.

You're gonna have sex?

I'm talking
about our suicide pact.

Oh, my God.

I was like, "Who is this girl?"

So, Meg, who are you going with?

Eh, I'm not gonna go.

Oh, come on, you have to.

No one asked me.

I'm not just gonna
show up alone.

You can tag along
with me and my date.

Patty, no offense,

but the janitor
doesn't count as a date.

Yeah, that guy's hideous.

Yeah, maybe I won't go with him.

Why's this place
so packed tonight?

Because every night has to be
some kind of gimmick now.

- Trivia. Karaoke. Beer pong.
- So cheap.

What happened to a place
where you drink beer and talk?

It might be time
to find a new bar.

Hmm. Tonight's Magic Night.

- Would you gentlemen...
- We would be delighted

to participate in whatever
spectacle you have planned.

Great.
Just to warn you ahead of time,

my specialty
is way-too-close-up magic.

- Pick a card.
- I-I can't see.

- Don't tell me.
- I-I couldn't possibly.

- Can you do something else?
- Very well.

Let's just say goodbye
to these cards.

Put it out!

I have been The Great Sebastian,

and I bid you good day.

I think maybe the show's over.

Excuse me, sir?
You forgot your ve...

He's gone.

Peter, he's eating a sandwich
right in front of you.

Gone.

Well, least I got
his stupid vest.

Peter, I say this

in the strongest
heterosexual way possible,

but it looks really good on you.

Yeah, I say this in the least
heterosexual way possible,

but I shared an ice cream cone

with another adult man
last night.

Huh, maybe I'll try it out
for a while.

Haven't had a new look since
I turned all the boys' heads

with a buxom strut.

I'm all the boys.

Hey, hey, it's the Megalodon.

Bruce Almighty!
What it look like, boy?

So, you's not going
to the big dance tonight?

Oh. You know about that, huh?

I heard some kids talking
in the bathroom

while I was taking a doody.

Yeah, I...

I-I just didn't feel like going,
I guess.

Listen, my shift's up
in a few minutes.

Can I's interest you in half
a lukewarm grilled cheese

- and cold fries?
- I'd like that.

And maybe after,
we can take edibles

and stare
at the solar system carpet.

- Oh, for sure.
- I know a spot

where there ain't
too many spills.

Dad, where are you going?

Wearing a vest
means I'm a failed actor

who teaches acting in a city
that's not New York or L.A.

All right,
Shreveport Community Center.

Listen close, for I shall
teach you the acting craft.

Hey, didn't my husband chase
you away from our recycling bin?

Use that.

And the award for Best Actress
goes to Susan Davis for

Get Away from My Recycling Bin,
You Fat, Failed Actor.

She used it.

Hey, stranger.
Are you the new piano player?

I'm wearing a vest, ain't I?

What is this sissy music?

It's Richard Clayderman's
"Music Box Dancer."

How are we supposed to brawl
to this?

Maybe we don't brawl today.

Maybe we just close our eyes
and smile.

Whoa. Wh-Where am I?

You're a Westworld robot.

You live
in a computer-generated simul...

Yeah, I already don't care.

Dad, what are we doing at a
Cherry Poppin' Daddies concert?

Well, Chris, I'm wearing a vest.

Figured I'd come dance
with other lonely whites.

Let me just connect
my really long chain

to my wallet and get in there.

I'm tangled. I'm tangled
in your wallet chains.

Stop! S-Somebody please tell
one of the 20 people onstage

to please stop playing.
I can't feel my arms.

One of you tattooed
Betty Boop ladies, help me.

Hi, I'm the lead singer
of the Cherry Poppin' Daddies.

My name doesn't matter.

Please, don't wear wallet chais
to our shows. Otherwise,

you could end up with both arms
ripped off like this guy.

Tell them we're the band
from Swingers.

We're not the band
from Swingers.

We're not?!

Peter.

Peter?

Oh, Peter,
thank God you're awake.

- Wh-What happened?
- This should explain everything.

A Farewell to Arms.

I fell in love
with a nurse during World War I?

No, no, just the title. It's...
There's no way you've read that.

N-Never mind.
We couldn't reattach your arms.

- Oh, my God!
- Don't worry. They'll grow back.

Just spread the seeds on,

keep them watered,
and watch them grow.

* P-P-P-Peter. *

See? They're already coming in.

Probably not gonna be able
to have sex

for, like, a while,
though, right?

- I think it should be fine.
- Oh, yay.

Oh, what, you think I enjoy it?

Oh, hey, y'all.
I'll be outside in a minute.

- Who's that?
- Oh, he's nobody.

But I see that he wore
my belt today.

Listen, I'm sorry you're having
problems at school.

Aw, thanks.
I've just never fit in there.

Then I get out
at the end of the day

only to realize
I don't fit in at home, either.

Preaching to the choir, sister.

My parents
has never understood me.

Every time I see them, it's,
"When you gonna meet a woman?

"When you gonna get married?

"Why don't you ever wear
that belt we gave you?

Blah-blah-blah."

Meg, my friend,

you and I's two of a kind.

Bruce... i-is this a date?

Well, none of the other tables
is shaking their head at us,

but it sure feels like one.

Well, whatever it is,

thanks for hanging out
with me tonight.

I really needed the company.

Oh, please. Thank you
for hanging out with me.

Guess who has a boyfriend!

- Come on.
- Hey, y'all.

Uh, hi.

Lois, can I please see you
in Joe's kitchen?

Don't you mean our kitchen?

No, they have better snacks.

So, Meg's boyfriend.
Interesting choice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know,
I know Joe has Cheez-Its.

I saw him eating them earlier.
Where the hell are they?

You're not gonna find them.

I was eating a bunch of them,
and I jokingly said,

"Bonnie, hide these."
And she did.

She hides my food so I don't
get bored like a zoo polar bear.

Good luck.
They could be anywhere.

Hey, y'all. Nice to meet youse.

- Isn't that, like,
a 50-year-old gay guy?
- Chris!

Yeah, Stewie, isn't Bruce gay?

How should I know, man?

I should be the one
asking you that.

- Okay.
- Yeah, okay.

Bruce, don't you live
on our street?

Yeah, I'm the house
on the corner.

You know,
the incongruous purple one

with all the desert plants?

Ah, yes, I know it well.
I've left my dog's expulsions

on your Astroturf many times.

Welcome to our home.
Put her there.

Um, wh-where?

The hand, you blockhead.

Hey, boo,
we should probably get going.

Where are you two lovebirds
off to?

The waxing place.
Bruce is getting a treatment.

I'm just getting an estimate
from my team.

Oh, gross.

Peter, why is our daughter
dating a gay man?

Lois, I don't even pretend

to know what's going on
out there anymore.

Meg's completely oblivious
to it.

You know, what I'd like to know
is why he's doing this.

Is it really such
a bad thing, Lois?

I mean, they're having fun
with each other.

Speaking of having fun,

what do you say you and I do
a little of the old, uh...

Eh?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you okay to swim like that?

Am I okay to swim?

I'm not.

I can only flap about
like a motorized tub toy.

Please help me. And hurry.

I'm about to get hit by
the old retired guy doing laps.

Quick! He can't hear me

because there's an investment
commercial playing in his head.

What are your retirement goals?

Swimming past
a tiny-armed fat guy

flailing in a public pool?

T. Rowe Price.
We've got you covered.

Look at that guy.
He did everything right.

Hey, what you doing?

I... just won a 30-pound bag
of wood chips on eBay.

- What's up with you?
- Listen,

I wanted to talk to you
about Bruce.

Isn't he the best?

Uh-huh. Yeah, he's great.

But you haven't noticed
anything different about him?

-Like what?
-Well, I-I don't know
how to talk about this,

but here's a film my father made
me watch when I was your age.

Then during lunch,

Ralph showed him
some pornographic pictures.

Jimmy knew he shouldn't
be interested,

but, well, he was curious.

What Jimmy didn't know
was that Ralph was sick...

A sickness that was not visible
like smallpox,

but no less dangerous
and contagious...

A sickness of the mind.

You see, Ralph was a homosexual,

a person who demands
an intimate relationship

with members of their own sex...

Is that Earth?

Oh, for Pete's sake,
I am 99% sure Bruce is gay.

What? Mom, he works
part-time at Lush.

It's him and, like, ten girls.
Trust me, guy's a total P-hound.

Listen, I'm just trying to...

Oh, I know what
you're trying to do.

Pathetic little Meg
is happy for once,

and you just can't take it.

And I get it, okay?

You're in a miserable marriage,

so why would you want
anyone else to be happy?

Meg, that's ridiculous.

Your father and I
love each other very much.

Lois, where's the first aid kit?

I tried to put a Ellio's
in the oven and I burnt my head.

- Top of the closet.
- Oh, that little case?

I've been taking that to work
to look like a businessman.

Hold the elevator.
Hold the elevator.

Sorry.

Can someone push
any button, please?

I don't work here,
I'm just being silly.

I am throwing rocks tonight.

Mark it, Bruce.

Dang, Meg, you are hot tonight.

And you're not so bad yourself.

Ugh. My mother is so annoying.

She's got some kind of hair
across her ass about us.

- Oh, no.
- I know.

I told my folks about you
and they lit up

- like a Christmas tree.
- Really?

You bet your sugar cookies
they did.

They's coming to town tomorrow.

But there's something
I wanted to ask you before that.

Babe, I told you, I really don't
want to sell Herbalife.

We'll give that time,

but this is something
a little more special.

Meg Harvey Oswald Griffin,
will you...

Hey, hi. So, I told you
about ten minutes ago

something's wrong with 14.

Yep, somebody's working
on it, sir.

Dad, what's going on?

This sucks. I want to go home.

Please. My wife's out of town.

I-I don't know what else to do.

You have to help me.

You have to help me right now.

Should just be
another couple minutes.

Dad, Tyson spilled
fruit punch on me.

No, I didn't.

Dad!

Meg, there you are.

- Look, I wanted to apologize and...
- No need, Mom.

Let me show you
just how wrong you were.

Bruce and I are engaged!

- What?
- Engaged?

No daughter of mine
is getting married at 18.

I forbid it. Forbidden!

Peter, I'm sorry,
I'm just not okay

with our daughter marrying
someone who is clearly gay.

You know,
you're starting to sound

an awful lot
like your own mother.

This isn't gonna be good
for either of them.

Lois, let me ask you something.

What's the best-case scenario
for someone like Meg?

Dying alone in a lighthouse?
Maybe Bruce changed.

And-and either way,
Meg's happy for once.

I say we go with it.

It's gonna be all right.

No, it's not gonna be all right.

It's never gonna
be all right again

if they go through with this.

Peter, we got to do...

Get a hold of yourself, woman.
She's coming downstairs.

Well, there's the bride-to-be.

- Oh, hey, Mom.
- Listen, Meg,

I was hoping we could
put all this behind us.

I'd like that.

That's better. And I'm sorry
for what I said about Bruce.

If you love him, then your
father and I fully support it.

Thanks, Mom. Speaking of which,

I'm finally gonna meet
Bruce's parents.

Would you guys want to
come to dinner with us?

- Oh, we'd love to come.
- Oh, thank you, Mom.

Family hug. Bring it in.

Seriously, you got
to bring it in.

Oh, Meg, I haven't seen you
smile like this in a long time.

Probably not since you were in
that music video.

* Black hole sun,
won't you come... *

I can't believe my little girl
is getting married tomorrow.

Hey, hey, everybody.

I'd like you to meet my parents
Phil and Candy Straight.

Peter Griffin. My arms
were torn off at a concert.

So, these two lovebirds
are gonna tie the knot.

Yes, a heterosexual marriage,
just like you always wanted.

And I did, too. All of us did.

Well, as someone
who doesn't get subtext,

I just want to say cheers.

You know what?
This calls for champagne.

Sir? Excuse me, sir?

Ugh, this waiter is terrible.

Finally.

We would like
your finest champagne

and your longest fork
and knife, please.

So, Phil,
what line of work you in?

Ooh, what did you order? Mind?

I can't believe my little girl's
getting married.

You look beautiful, Meg.

Really? You think so?

Uh... uh-huh. Y-Yes.

Five minutes, honey.

The Shropnicks made it
all the way in from Colorado.

How about that?

Say hi to the Shropnicks.
They came a long way.

Hi, guys. Thank you so much
for coming all this way.

From Colorado. Where we live.

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today

to celebrate the union
of these two very special people

on their very special day.

That's Jeffrey,
Bruce's longtime boyfriend.

The priest's voice faded out
and now it'll fade back in

to show that he's further along
in the ceremony.

...and finally, Edward Zylock.

Fallen heroes, all.

Now, does anyone have any reason

why these two
should not be married?

I do.

- What? The bride?

Did you park on the street?
I parked on the street.

I'm sorry, I can't do this.

I know you don't really want
to marry me.

You're only doing this
to make your parents happy.

And I know...

Well, I-I think
I know everything.

What gave it away?

When I saw you
with your parents.

You obviously just want them
off your back.

Plus your iPhoto library

is mostly guys' things
next to Comcast remotes.

I only meet the ones
that go past the volume button.

Someone want to tell me
what the hell is going on here?

Mom, Dad, I'm gay.

What?

Peter, you knew that.

Is this some kind of joke?

This ain't no joke, Daddy.
I like mens.

This feels like an episode
that someone

would get a prize for in 1994.

Maybe we should talk
about this another time, dear.

No. I want to talk about it now.

I'm gay, and like all gay men,
it was a choice I made

when I couldn't find a table
at the high school cafeteria.

Cork up those ink pots.
We know that's not how it works.

Everyone, thank you for coming,

but I'm afraid there isn't
going to be a wedding today.

Oh, yes, there is.

Jeffrey, get your pimply
little ass up here.

Jeffrey, will you marry me?

Oh, yes.

Come on, Shropnicks,
we're leaving.

Let's start
the 21-hour drive home.

You-you guys can't
get married in the church.

We don't recognize you
as... well, as people.

Ugh, fine.

Everyone, meet us
in the Walgreens parking lot

down the street.

Meg, sweetie, are you okay?

You know what, Mom? I am.

Bruce and Jeffrey
love each other.

They deserve to be happy.

- And so do I.
- Oh, Meg.

Don't make this day about you.

- Oh, Bruce.
- Oh, Jeffrey.

Oh...

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

It's nice
that they're doing this,

but who's gonna marry them?

By the power vested in me,

I pronounce you
husband and husband.

You may kiss when you get home.

Well, we just lost the prize.

Hi, I'm Peter Griffin.
Meg's wedding took up

a little more time than we would
have liked this week,

so we didn't get
to do everything

we wanted to with my hands.

So, here's a supercut of me
having a little fun around town.

We like it a lot.
We hope you will, too.

Go, go, go!

Come on, big money.

Still $300.

Uh, how about T again?

Strike.

Strike three and he knew it.