All language subtitles for Uncle.S01E04_English

(HERE I GO AGAIN PLAYING)

(TURNS OFF ALARM)

(SIGHS)

(GASPS)

-Morning.
-Hey there, rock star.

-Sleep well?
-Yeah. Like a corpse.

(CHUCKLES) I cannot believe
I'm in Andy King's bed.

Me neither.
Let's get out of here
before he comes back.

Um, no big deal,
but I think the condom maybe
broke that last time.

What? Please tell me
you're on the pill.

I'm kidding! Don't worry,
I'm not some kind
of Fatal Attraction.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

-You hungry?
-Yeah, like the wolf.

-Why don't I make
us something?
-Yeah.

(LAUGHS) You're wearing
my Alice Cooper T-shirt!

Oh. Yeah,
I found it on the floor.
Hope that's okay.

Girlfriend's prerogative.
Not that I'm your girlfriend.

I mean, I am a girl,
and your friend, hopefully.

Uh.

Oh, God.

Hi, I'm Sam
and I'm an addict.

ALL: Hi, Sam.

I thought I had
it under control.

I felt like Grace Kelly,

but I looked more like
Russell Brand
in a River Island jumper.

(LAUGHTER)

I've been clean now
for a little over a year.

At the moment,
I'm just building up
the courage to tell my son

what really...
Really happened.

But I'm very thankful
that he has such a loving
and present father,

even if I get a bit
jealous of the time
they spend together.

I try and tell myself that...

(WHISPERING)
love is not a competition.

-(MOBILE RINGS)
-Ooh. Is that... Yeah.

(SILENCES PHONE)

Um, the cravings have gone,
which I never thought I'd say.

I mean, sometimes
when I speak to my ex,
I could just kill for a line!

(LAUGHTER)

But I know I just have
to focus on the present.

-(MOBILE BUZZES)
-It's really about just

staying in the moment,
no matter what.

Er, sorry.

(SIGHS) Oh! I should get this.

(STRUMMING ON GUITAR)

What's wrong with my guitar?

I fixed it.
Your lower E string
was really out of tune.

Well. It was in drop-D.

I always keep my axe
in drop-D,
for shredding.

Oh. Sorry.
I should've asked first.

I think you mean...
Axed first.

It's fine,
don't worry about it.

Wow, that's lovely.
Thank you very much.

Mmm.

-Are you not eating?
-Oh, no. I'm not hungry.

But I like watching you eat.

It's like putting a tiny
piece of myself inside you.

Shit! I'd better get ready.

I'm singing at a Bar Mitzvah
in two hours.
Living the dream, right?

Hmm.

(MOBILE RINGS)

-What?
-SAM: I'm taking you
out for lunch.

Um. I'm already eating,
actually.

When's that ever stopped you?

Ben just invited me
to his mother's.

He's got some
big announcement,

but I'm not going into
the scorpion's nest alone.

If I can pretend I'm normal
for a couple of hours,

he might drop
the custody case.

I need you there to keep me
out of trouble.

Are you forgetting
who you're even talking to?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Doorbell. Got to go.

You're coming.

What's that smell?
It's like baked beans and sex.

That's my new deodorant.
Sexy Beans.

Look, I'm not free
and you can't
be here right now.

-(DOOR OPENS)
-Oh. Hi.

Uh, Shelly,
this is my sister, Sam.

Shelly's just here
helping me out
with that thing.

Any time. If that problem
happens again,
you know who to call.

Yes, I do.
Thank you very much.
I have your business card.

(WHISPERING) I'm taking your
T-shirt. If you want it back,
you better call.

PS, I love role-play.

-Nice meeting you.
-Nice meeting you.

I thought you
had a girlfriend.

Roly was telling
me about Gwen?

Shelly's not my girlfriend.

She just a girl
that comes round
and says hello.

With her vagina. Please.
I know the walk of shame.
I invented it.

One minute you're blackout
drunk, and the next thing,
you're waking up

next to some Brazilian
banker in his Holiday Inn
executive suite.

Which, by the way,
is not as roomy as it sounds.

Now, are you coming,
or am I telling Gwen
about your sexcapades?

-You haven't even
got her number.
-Oh, there we go.

Oh! Here it is.
It's under favourites.
Bless.

Give it back. Give it back.
Sam... Give me back my phone!

-Are you coming?
It's ringing, it's ringing!
-Hang up!

Wait. Shit fuck dick balls
crap cock arse motherfucker
bitch pussy rimjob.

-Good?
-Yup.

(RINGS DOORBELL)

Hey, munchkin!

-ERROL: What's he doing here?
-Ah, well...

I've come to give
you the news.

You're adopted.

Phew, what a load off!

Hello, stranger! Andy.

Sorry I didn't warn you
he was coming.
He just insisted.

I can go, if it's too much
trouble.

No, no, no. Stay.
We're all family here.

(WHISPERING) You'd better not
fuck today up for me.

Dad, am I adopted?

No. Where did you
hear that rubbish?

Fizzy drinks.
Shrinking kids' brains.

It's like syphilis in a can.

Couldn't agree more.
They're toxic.

Rex, hey!

Good to see you, Ands, my man.
Hey, Sammy.

Rex. Good to see you.

I thought you were
saving the world somewhere.

Yeah, yeah.
Rwanda, yeah. I'm on leave
from OpSmile for two weeks.

Just long enough to catch up
with the fam.

-You guys get comfy.
I'll tell Mum you're here.
-Right.

You'll never guess
what Uncle Rex
got me from Africa.

-A malaria tent?
-A bracelet.

-Masculine.
-Aw! It's beautiful, darling.

Last-minute gift
from Duty Free?
I've been there.

No. Actually, a little girl
made it for me after
I fixed her cleft palate.

It's so rewarding,
watching them

look in the mirror
for the first time and
hear them say,

"That's me." You know?
"That's what I look like now."

Yeah. Actually,
that reminds me.
I got you a gift too, Errol.

Here it is.
There you go.

-Er, thanks.
-ANDY: You're welcome.

And remember, that's
not any old opened
packet of gum.

I got that from
an old homeless guy,
after I bought him a beer.

Hello, everyone.

Hi, Joan.

If it isn't my favourite
ex-daughter-in-law.

-I'm your only
ex-daughter-in-law.
-Aw.

JOAN: Did Errol tell you,
he set up the dining table
all by himself?

BEN: Made the name cards
and everything.

-Mum, you're sitting
next to Dad.
-Oh, that's great.

Andy, what a lovely surprise.

Like that time
you fell face first into
the wedding cake.

(LAUGHTER)

I can't remember anything
about that night.
I was wasted.

Yes. We remember.

Speaking of,
what would everyone
like to drink?

I know you love
a good glass of white,
don't you, Sam?

Oh, Joan, you know I can't...

Wait to try
some of your white.
That would be lovely.

Ben, can I have a quick word?
It's about school fees.

Well, since everyone's
pairing off, how about a quick
band meeting, Errol?

Come on,
it's a simple question.
Who do you choose?

-And you're the same
distance away?
-Yes. The house is on fire.

We're both inside,
we're both the exact same
distance from you,

and you can only
save one of us.
Who do you pick?

Is it me, or is it Rex?

Well, Rex is a doctor,
so if I got hurt saving him...

Oh, come on, you're not
seriously going to pick
Jesus Christ, Super Surgeon?

-Why? Are you jealous?
-(SCOFFS) Of that clown?
Please.

Now, we're both unconscious,
so our skills don't
come into play this time.

-Who do you pick?
-You want me
to pick a favourite?

No! No.
I just want you to tell me

which one of your uncles
you don't want to see
burning to death.

Hypothetically.

Do you think Mum and Dad
are getting back together?

I think that's what
Dad's announcement is.

Pick an uncle
and I'll tell you.

All right, I'll pick one,
but I need time
to think about it.

-SAM: You said you were
going to tell her.
-I am, I just haven't yet.

It's been a year.
She's going to find out
I was in rehab at some point.

Where does she think
I disappeared to
for three months?

I might have told her
you went to stay with
your parents in Spain,

to regroup after
the separation.

-You have terrible
honesty issues.
-I'm honest. It's just...

If Mum finds out that
you did drugs,

she'll probably find out
that I did them, too,
and I can't do that to her.

She doesn't even know
I smoke cigarettes.

Can't you just
play along, please, for Roly?

Fine.
So, what's this big news?

I'm not telling
till after lunch.

-Are you dropping
the custody case?
-Um... No.

Are you dying?
Is it that weird lump
on your ball?

What? No. What weird lump?

You're like one of those
bomb sniffing dogs.

Eh, have you got any beer?

-Cheers.
-You know, you might not
remember the wedding,

but I do.

And aside from the heartbreak
of watching my son
make the biggest

mistake of his life, it was
one of the more enjoyable
nights I've had.

Yeah.
Yeah, the band were good,
weren't they?

Oh, I'm not talking
about the band.

Errol is a lucky boy.
Two strapping uncles
looking out for him.

-Keep him on his toes.
-REX: What are you two
gossiping about?

Your amazing cooking.

Rex is making
spring lamb au jus
with potatoes dauphinoise.

I swear, if he hadn't become
a paediatric surgeon,

-he'd be a Michelin-star chef
by now.
-(LAUGHS) No, it's nothing.

The secret is you've
just got to
slow roast it for ages

on an achingly low temp,
until the meat just
melts off the bone.

-You are just too perfect.
-(LAUGHS)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

That'll be the others.

"You're just too perfect."

Andy! Hey.

Bruce?
What are you doing here?

Our kids play on
the same football team.
How do you two...

-Fight club.
-Mate! First rule.

Watch out for this one.
She tackles like John Terry.

Ah! Let's hope
she isn't racist
like John Terry.

-Allegedly.
-Mrs Meyer, these are for you.

-(SNIFFS) Oh, they're lovely.
Where did you get them?
-Tesco.

Hey, Bruce. How's Claire?

Uh, great.
Busy managing the salon.
Work, work, work.

She did Tiff's nails.
Show her, Tiff.

-Oh, wow. Those are fab.
-Do you like them, Errol?

Mum's nail polish
gives me a rash.

Bruce, this is
my brother, Rex.
He's visiting from Africa.

Oh, cool.
My dad's Nigerian.
Igbo.

(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

-Yes.
-What did you say, Uncle Rex?

I asked how he was doing,
in Igbo.

Entre dans mon jacuzzi.
What's that in French, Errol?

-Get in my Jacuzzi?
-You're welcome.

Sam, would you like to help me
put these in water?

Come on, kids,
I'll tell you about how I
helped a lioness give birth.

Spoiler alert,
he's the father.

I didn't know
you were mates with Ben.

Oh, no. We're not really.
He invited Tiff so Errol
would have company.

I swear I wouldn't have come
if I knew
you and Sam were here.

I mean,
with the custody thing.
I hate picking sides.

Yeah, but if you had to,
you'd pick Sam, right?

-She's always going on about
how much she likes you.
-Really?

No. But you know,
she could have been.

-Now, I'm cooler than Rex,
aren't I?
-Yeah, definitely.

If you were a boy band,
he'd be like Gary Barlow.

He gets all the respect,
but Robbie's having
all the fun.

But people still respect
Robbie as well, right?

-Yeah, sure.
-Yeah.

Now tell me this, is it incest

if you had sex with
your ex-GILF-in-law?

What?

-Never mind.
-Isn't Errol doing well?

I know. Did he tell you
he got an A
on his family tree project?

Brilliant. You know I was
so worried about him
after the separation.

Especially when
you were in Spain,
living it up.

Thank goodness Ben was around
to pick up the pieces.

You still haven't touched
your wine.

I'm just saving
it for the meal.

Sam, are we friends?

Of course. Yes.

Oh, good.

I was afraid we had
a sort of Queen Liz and Diana
sort of thing going on.

-We all know how that ended.
-Right. So who's Charles?

Well, the family is Charles.
And we all want what's best
for Charles, don't we?

I mean, just because you
ran off to Spain when
Errol needed you most,

doesn't mean that your heart
isn't in the right place.

I'm sure you had your reasons.

Here, let's make a toast.

To Charles.

Oh, actually,
I just remembered.
I'm on antibiotics.

-I shouldn't
really be drinking.
-Just one sip won't kill you.

Come on, drink up,
or I'll feel insulted.

This is grape juice.

Like I'd give wine
to an addict!
That was too easy.

I mean, how can you be trusted
with Errol's custody

when you can't even stay
on the wagon?

So you knew that
I was in rehab?

A friend of mine spotted you
in the same clinic
as her anorexic daughter.

Don't tell Ben I know.
He likes to think
he has secrets.

Just going to go
and put some change
in the meter.

-Who do you support, Errol?
-He's a Gooner,
like his uncle and me.

You said you were a Spurs fan,
like your mum and me.

I like them both.
I couldn't possibly
pick a favourite.

You can't like Tottenham
and Arsenal!

That's like rooting
for the Nazis and the
French Resistance.

Arsenal got more
French players. Doesn't
that make Spurs the Nazis?

Spurs have a lot of Jewish
fans, though.

Yeah. Not many Jewish Nazis,
are there?

Since when do you care
about football, Andy?

BRUCE:
You should support Fulham,
like me and Tiff.

Nobody gets hurt
when you support Fulham.
They're Switzerland.

Oh, that reminds me.
This is a football field
I helped build

when I was stationed
in Somalia.

(SCOFFS) Nice job.
There's not even any
grass on it.

Yeah, I know,
but the kids don't mind.

It used to be a mass grave.

Can you guess
what it's called now?

"No grass field"?

-It's called Errolfield.
-Nice touch, bro.

Very cool. (CHUCKLES)

(COUGHS)

Looking at a dusty field
makes me feel thirsty.

Uncle Andy, I'd really like
an apple juice.

Your legs aren't broken.

You can have my drink, Errol.
I didn't touch the sides.

Thanks, but I really just
want some apple juice.
It's my... Favourite.

I'll get you one, mate.

I got this one, T-Rex.

Oh, help yourself.

You certainly
did at the wedding.

Um, where's Sam?

I'm not sure.
Have you tried Spain?

ALL: Oh!

His Highness' apple juice.

Not thirsty any more.

Bruce, if you and Tiff
are interested,

Rex and I are taking Errol
camping next weekend.

I'm going to teach
this little guy
all about edible plants.

ERROL: Uncle Rex makes
botany really fun.

Botany's my... Favourite.

I ate an orchid
on a Thai beef salad once.

It was interesting.

Yeah. Well, what did
I teach you last week?

How to delete
my search history?

Bingo.
And that's a skill for life.

Right, half-time.
Who's up for a game
of three-a-side?

Um...

Dad.

-Bruce.
-Yes!

You should pick Andy.
I haven't played in ages.

-Bit rusty.
-Uncle...

Rex.

Andy, I guess.

(DIG A LITTLE DEEPER PLAYING)

TIFFANY: He's amazing.

Heard West Ham
tried signing him,

but he just wanted
to be a doctor.

Well, then...

It's time to send him
back to the hospital.

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Go, go, go! Take him!

Oh, shit!

(GLASS SMASHES)

I'm really, really sorry.

It's fine.

I'm sure you can find
a way of making it up to me.

What were you doing kicking
the ball like that, anyway?

It was a miskick.

BEN: Bruce, did that look like
a miskick to you?

I didn't see.
My contact fell out.

But you're wearing
your glasses.

Where's Mum?

Mum? Mum?

Maybe she ran away.

-Why would you say that?
-That's what my dad did,
my real dad.

He was a worthless fart-hole.

That's what my mum says.

Do you think you'll ever
get married?

Oh, yeah, definitely! Yeah.

I want loads of kids.

If I have a girl,
I'm going to call her Scout,

like in To Kill A Mockingbird.

If I have a boy, I'm going to
call him Spock.

But I don't want a husband,
though. I'm going to
get a sperm donor.

What's that?
I'm not really sure.

I heard about it
on Jeremy Kyle.

Have you ever kissed
a girl on the mouth?

The human mouth has over 1,000
different types of bacteria.

So, is that a "no"?

Er...

Oh, just close your eyes.

What are you two
doing in my bedroom?

We're not kissing
on the mouth.

No, you hang up first.

No, you hang up first!

-(HANGS UP)
-Look, about your mum's face.

Um... It was an accident.

Not her face,
she's got a beautiful face.

Not in a sexy way.

-For her age...
-Did you find Sam?

-Not yet.
-This is typical.

When we were married,
she'd always disappear
like this after a big fight.

She was always paranoid
I was cheating on her.

-Were you cheating on her?
-Not always.

-Look, about that call...
-You don't need to explain.

No, I want to.

See, I've been seeing
someone else.

That's why I invited
everyone here.

Everyone else, not you.

I wanted Errol to have as many
people around him as possible

for support,
when I break the news.

Do you think
he'll be all right?

Yeah, sure. He's a tough kid.

As long as
he's got his inhaler.

Y'ello!

(SNIFFLING)

-Uh, are you all right?
-Yeah.

Yeah, I'm great.
Just got some dust in my eyes.

I should probably
tell the others
I found you.

No, just wait.
Just give me a minute.

Ben and I used to come up here
and smoke a joint

while Joan was changing
Errol's nappies.

You must think
I'm really stupid

hiding in an attic like...
Anne Frank or something.

Sometimes I tell Claire
I'm going out to buy milk,

but I'm really going
to Starbucks
to work on my comics.

-You draw comics?
-Well, webcomics.

And I can't actually draw,
it's more stick figures
with witty writing.

Attempted witty writing.

Yeah, I know.
"Grow up, Bruce."

-Claire thinks
it's stupid, too.
-It's not stupid. It's sweet.

-I just didn't know you
were so nerdy.
-Really?

I mean, come on, look at me.

-I guess you're right!
-Thanks.

I am a terrible mother,
aren't I?

What? No. You're a great mum.

I see the way
Roly looks at you.

-That's just his lazy eye.
-(CHUCKLES)

But you look like
you know what you're doing.

What's your secret?

Honestly?
When things get too much,

I have a special pillow
I scream into.

-How often do you
need the pillow?
-Not often.

-About 10 times a day.
-(LAUGHING)

And if you don't have
a pillow to hand,
you can use your arm.

Like so...

(MUFFLED SCREAM)

(MUFFLED SCREAM)

-Oh!
-Wow! Better?

-I feel a little bit
light-headed.
-Yeah, I know, right?

(SIGHS)

Oh, this is it.

I'm going to be a single mum
for the rest of my life.

I'm going to end up like Joan.

Some nasty, mean, bitchy cow
who hasn't had a willy up her
in about a century.

Don't worry,
you'll get a willy up you.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

But seriously, I...
I think you'll find someone.

You know, you're smart,
funny, attractive.

-You're great at
hide and seek.
-You found me.

Well, I'm an excellent seeker.

REX: Found her!

What on earth are
you doing up here?

What happened to your face?

What's that smell?

(FIRE ALARM BEEPS)

Shit!

It's ruined.

Who's up for curry, then?

I don't mind it
a little well-done.

-Uncle Rex, why did you
set it so high?
-I didn't.

(IMITATES DRUM ROLL)

-We'd better call
Scotland Yard, then.
-You did this!

-Whoa, Rex, slow down.
-Andy's never
touched an oven in his life.

-He can barely cook
a Pot Noodle.
-Yeah.

Why would I want to ruin
my own lunch?

I don't know. You tell me.
You've been jabbing
at me all day.

What, did I piss you off
in a past life or something?

(HIGH-PITCHED)
"Oh, the golden boy
never does anything wrong.

"Oh, look at me,
I'm the world's best surgeon.

"Oh, look at me,
I'm the world's best chef.

"Oh, look at me,
I'm the world's best uncle!"

Well, at least
I've put my time in with Roly.

-Where've you been
this last decade?
-Please stop fighting over me.

-Stay out of this, Errol!
-Stay out of this, Errol!

You are like
a one-man typhoon. Is there
anything you can't ruin?

Oh, get over it, love.
I'm sorry I shagged you
and then never called.

Have you lost your mind?

We never shagged.

Er, hello? The wedding.

We shared
a joint at the wedding,
you idiot.

What's a joint?

-It's a marijuana cigarette.
-Where did you learn that?

-Jeremy Kyle.
-So, wait, you're judging me
for going to rehab,

-while you're the pothead?
-I tried it once,
12 years ago.

That hardly makes
me Keith Richards.

I tried peyote once
in Guadalajara.

Big deal,
I did meth twice in Hackney.

Well, two-and-a-half times.
It's complicated.

Wait, Mum,
you knew Sam went to rehab?

Of course I did, darling,
I'm your mother.

-Anyway, everyone's in rehab,
it's the new black.
-What's rehab?

-Hotel for druggies.
-But, Mum,
I thought you were sick.

I was, munchkin.
I'll explain everything later.

Why didn't you say you knew?
I could have
used your support.

Because she loves
keeping secrets.

I'm sure she knew
you were doing all the coke
in Colombia, too.

That isn't true, is it?

-Ben?
-What's wrong
with Coca-Cola?

They're talking about cocaine.

-Jesus, Tiff!
-Jeremy Kyle?

Top Gear.

This is your fault!
I knew you'd find a way
of screwing this day up!

My fault? I'm not the one that
invited everyone here
to make a big announcement.

Trust me, mate, no one cares
that you're getting laid.

SAM: What's he talking about?

Well, I didn't want everyone
to find out like this,
but, um...

(CLEARS THROAT)
I've been seeing someone.

Her name's Veronica.

-JOAN: Is she joining us?
-BEN: Not today.

But I wanted to prepare
everyone for the idea.
To avoid any dramas.

So you're emotionally
fluffing us?
That is so typical of you.

Your ego is so inflated
you have to make a major event
out of everything!

BEN: Well, excuse me
if I thought
this was important.

You're the one
who left me, remember?

-I wanted to work things out.
-You were driving me crazy!

My wife's cheating on me!

-Errol?
Errol, are you all right?
-SAM: Oh, my God!

It's his asthma.
It's the smoke.

I'll get his inhaler,
it's in my bag.

Okay, Errol, I need you
to take slow,
deep breaths for me.

-Okay, mate? Breathe...
-(GASPING)

Oh, it's not working!

REX: I don't think
it's his asthma.
I think it's a panic attack.

Errol, I need you to
try and think of
something relaxing.

(ERROL BREATHING HEAVILY)

ANDY:
* When you're going to the loo

* And your pants
are full of poo

* Diarrhoea, diarrhoea

* When you're
climbing up a ladder

* And you're feeling
something splatter

* Diarrhoea, diarrhoea

* When your stomach
starts to hurt

* And you need
to squirt some dirt

* Diarrhoea, diarrhoea

* When you're sitting
on a mountain

* And your bum
becomes a fountain...

ALL:
* Diarrhoea, diarrhoea

* When you're driving
in your car

* And your house
is just too far

* Diarrhoea, diarrhoea

Joan, I know you think
I'm a mess,

and I have my moments,
but I am a good mum.

I know.

And I'm sorry for earlier.

I can get a bit Mommy Dearest
when I'm let out of my cage.

Ben and I should
have been straight
with you from the start.

We all really need
to communicate better.
For Roly's sake.

Because I would
like to be friends, Joan.

We don't have to
be friends, darling.

We're family!

More grape juice?

Look, um, I'm sorry
I ruined your roast.

It's just, with all your
cool stories and...

The way Roly looks up to me?

No, actually,
just your cool stories. Yeah.

-You know I sometimes get
jealous of you, right?
-Really, why?

You make him laugh
and you've got that
whole music connection.

I've got no musical talent
whatsoever.

Yeah, you're right.

I suppose I am
an unbelievably cool uncle.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean,
sometimes being handsome

and super intelligent
isn't everything.

-How did it go?
-He's going to need
time to process.

He's asked to see his uncles.

Did you know
I've got a tattoo?

I'd show it you,
but it's in a...

Hard to reach place.

-Do you know what it says?
-"Boobs", with nipples
inside the "O's"?

I wish. No, it says, "Will you
go out with me, Dolores?"

She was a girl at uni.

I thought she'd be won over
by my, um...

Dedication.

-What did she say?
-Well, she laughed in my face.

After I pulled my
trousers back up.

Point is,
that thing is going nowhere.

Just like us.

And, sure, your dad might be
seeing a new bird,

but he's still your dad,
and your mum's still your mum,

and they both love you.

For some weird reason.

What your uncle, Andy,
is trying to say is,

if you ever need anyone
to talk to,
you know who to call.

-Me.
-Me.

Did you make sure
the needle was sterilised?

Because you know you can catch
hepatitis from a tattoo.

Yeah, don't worry about that.
I had it bleached,
burnt and boiled.

Thanks, guys.

Nice job, man.

Yeah.

I'm definitely his favourite.

Mmm...

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-ERROL: Gingin?
-Yes, darling?

Earlier you said Mum and Dad's
wedding was 12 years ago,
but I'm 12-and-a-half.

How does that work?

Ooh, poppadoms!

(ALL CHATTING INDISTINCTLY)

(I AM KLOOT PLAYING)