All language subtitles for Uncle.S01E03_English

(MOBILE RINGING)

What? I'm busy.

I'm dying.

Shit.

What is it, a brain tumour?

I mean, you did do
a lot of drugs.

No! I'm dying of shame!

Roly...
(SIGHING)

Caught me doing
things to myself.

What, like shaving your legs?

-Higher up.
-Armpits?

Masturbating, Andy!
He caught me masturbating!

-Oh, shit.
-I know.

I told him I was just
having a bad dream.

It's like that time
I caught you in the shower
making a soap sandwich.

I was washing my privates!

-With two bars? (LAUGHING)
-Why are you calling?

I don't know how much he saw,
but now I'm in my room
and he's in his room,

and it's half-term so I don't
have anywhere to send him.

Just send him
to the cinema or something.

By himself?

Maybe he'll meet a nice man
with a big bag of sweets.

Oh, shit. I've got to go, bye!

Please don't kill me!

Why are you doing
outside my club,
stalking my daughter?

(SCOFFS) I'm not...
I'm not stalking.

I'm just...

This is where
my car broke down.

Really?
Try starting the engine.

Yeah. Just, um...

Oh.

(ENGINE STARTING)

Wow! Thank you.

I thought I made it very clear
what would happen
if I saw you again.

I'm not here
to see Gwen. Look.

You want to play
in the Battle of the Bands?
My Battle of the Bands?

-(SCOFFS) No chance.
-Why not? I'm a good musician.

You haven't heard me,
but I'm good.

I know you think this is
all about Gwen, but it's not.

I'm just looking for
someone to give me a break.

Oh, I'll give you a break.

I swear, I won't talk to Gwen.

I won't even look at her.

I just want to perform.

In a gay club?

-I cried during
Brokeback Mountain.
-(CHUCKLES)

It's called
Battle of the Bands.
You don't even have a band.

Well, if I can
get a band together
in the next three days,

will you let me play?

If you can get a band,
I'll see.

-Thanks, Mr Pearson.
-The name's Val.

Now, fuck off.

Yes, sir. Ma'am. Val.

And thank you
for fixing the car.

-What a load off.
-Fuck off.

Hello. I would like to
book a rehearsal room
for tomorrow, please,

for I am starting a band.

The small room's
available 3:00 till 5:00.

Excellent. Can you just put it
under "Andy King", please?

-That'll be £30 on the day.
-£30?

Do you want me
to cross you off?

No. No, I want you
to cross me on.

Because £30 is what
I'm going to be paying.

(PUNK ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(COUGHS)

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

(CHUCKLES)

(MOBILE RINGING)

-What?
-Can you watch Roly tomorrow?

No, I'm mega busy.

Got auditions all day
for my new band.

Great.
He loves music, remember?
He's taking piano.

He won't be any trouble.
Oh, please?

-Please? I have a date.
-Who are you going
on a date with?

-Some guy I met online.
-Online?

(SCOFFS)
It's your funeral.

I mean, literally.

After he kills you
and stuffs you in his boot.

What do you want me to do?
I'm 35, I'm in recovery,

I can't do bars
and I have a kid.

So, yes,
I met a guy on the Internet,

and hopefully I won't
get raped and murdered.

Now, may I please leave
Roly with you tomorrow?

Thank you.

-(DOORBELL RINGING)
-(SNORTING)

-You weren't still sleeping,
were you?
-No.

(SAM SIGHS)

Why is your hair in a bun?

Oh, do you like it?
I think it makes me
look smarter.

-What do you think?
-I think you're going to
need a bigger bun.

Ah! Shit.

Listen, will you
talk to Roly for me?
He's being a bit weird.

I think it's probably
about the
(WHISPERING) lady wank.

-Ugh!
-Be subtle about it, though.

Bye, treasure!

This place is disgusting.

Whatever.
Why are you being weird?

I'm not being weird.

Don't touch that.

Is it because
you saw your mum...

Never mind.

-Don't touch those.
-Who's that?

How about
a breath of fresh air?

(PLAYING)

I'm freezing. Can we go?

I'm trying to make 30 quid to
pay for this audition space.

Thirty quid?
We're going to be
here forever!

Why are you
starting a band anyway?

'Cos of this.

-"Battle of the Bands"?
-Yeah.

First prize is one month
as the house band at Cox.

And do you know
what that means?

That means
one month with Gwen.

Why do you still want
to get back with her?
She doesn't even like you.

It's called sexual tension.

Maybe one day when you're
in love you'll understand.

(TUNING GUITAR)

-Give me your jacket.
-Why?

Just give it.

Hold that.

(ROLY COUGHS)

(PLAYING BLUES SOLO)

(SNIFFING)

Thank you, Tyler.

We'll be in touch.

I thought he was good.

Yeah, he was amazing,
with beautiful lips.

I'm not having that
in my band.

Someone else will come along.

Hopefully a humpback
with a dodgy eye.

(OFF BEAT DRUMMING)

(OUT OF TUNE SINGING)

(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC
OUT OF SYNC)

(PLAYS BASIC DRUM PATTERN)

(PLAYING REPEATED NOTE
OUT OF TIME)

(PLAYING BASIC SOLO)

I know!

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

(STOPS PLAYING)

Oh, sorry.

Where did you learn
to play like that?

I don't know.
I've just had a few lessons.

Yeah, your mum said.

I just figured you were
going to be shit, like all
the other little kids.

Can you play anything else?

(PLAYING VIVA LA VIDA)

Errol, how would you like
to be in my band?

-Would I need a humpback
and a dodgy eye?
-No.

Think about it, I could be
Jim Morrison to your
Ray Manzarek.

-Who?
-He was the nerdy
keyboardist in The Doors.

I don't want to be
the nerdy one.

I think you're
missing the point.

Everybody got laid
in The Doors.

-Chicks love musicians.
-Really? Well...

How do you know
if a girl likes you?

I think you've just
got to, you know...

Why are you asking about girls
all of a sudden?

No reason.

You're in love.
That's why you've been
acting so weird lately!

-I'm not being weird!
-Who is she,
you little pervert?

-Her name's Ruby.
-Ruby.

And have you asked the
little jewel out on a date?

She doesn't know I exist.

Well, then,
why don't you join my band

and then, I can help you
win the girl?

Do we have a deal?

Just shake once.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hey! How was the big date?

Well...

So, what's something
you'd be embarrassed
to tell a stranger?

I never know which way to put
the cutlery in the dishwasher.

'Cos like,
facing up gets it cleaner,

but it just seems really
dangerous with the knives,
like, up like that.

What about you?

I like when ladies poo on me.

He was a bit boring.

Great!
Listen, I've got some
free time this week.

Why don't you leave him
with me for a couple of days?

Go on some more dates and
try and find that Mr Right
that you've been looking for.

Why are you being nice?

Sam! You've always
been there for me.

-Let me do this for you.
-Yeah, you deserve
some time to yourself.

You've been under
a lot of stress lately.

ANDY: There you have it,
the most dangerous animal
in the jungle.

The female human.

One minute she can take you
to the heights of ecstasy,

and the next she can
shatter your soul
with a single glance.

-Pervert!
-Morning, ladies!

So tell me about this Ruby.
What is she out of 10?

-She's a 10!
-All right, now,

bear in mind you've got
to stay within
a three-point spread.

For instance, a two can
never go out with an eight.

-That would be suicide.
-So, what am I?

Well, you're skinny,
but you've got nice hair
and no hideous deformities.

So, I'm going to go out
on a limb and I'm gonna
give you a six-and-a-half.

But I reckon,
with a bit of styling,

-we can probably
get you up to a seven.
-What are you?

Some people are immune
to the whole scoring system
altogether.

Mega rich bastards,
athletes, talented musicians.

Present company included.

Now, jokes.
Women love good jokes.

For instance,
why do blondes wear knickers?

-Why?
-To keep their ankles warm.

-I don't get it.
-Trust me, it's hilarious.

Now, what jokes have you got?

-What's the bare minimum?
-I don't know,
what's the bare minimum?

One bear.

We'll work on the jokes.

Right, now let's practise
asking a girl out.

I'll be a girl.
You ask me out.

Er...

-Hi.
-"Er... Hi"?

Seriously?
Your opening line is
the most important thing

you'll ever say to a girl.
If you can't
think of anything funny,

give her a compliment,
buy her a drink.

Be charming. Be charismatic.
Be mysterious.

-Can't I just be myself?
-No!

No, are you crazy?
Never be yourself.

Right. Now try again.

Excuse me.
You have a very nice...

-Sideburns.
-No! Okay, fine, okay.

Right, we'll swap back over.
You be the girl.
I'll be the man.

Hello, my name's Andy.
What's your name?

(HIGH-PITCHED)
My name's Penelope Jenkins.

Hello, Penelope.
You've got very nice eyes.

Thank you.
I got them from my mother.
She was a Russian ballerina.

Tell me three things
you like, Penelope.

I like sushi, fruit bats,
and long car rides.

Do you like waking up with
zero regrets and a man that
knows how to hold you?

-You've used that line?
-I used it on Gwen.

(SCOFFS)
That worked out well!

Hi, Ruby, you have nice eyes.
Will you go out with me?

Hi, Ruby, you have nice eyes.
Will you go out with me?

Hi, Ruby, you have nice eyes.
Will you go out with me?

(RINGS DOORBELL)

Oh, hey, Errol.
What are you doing here?

I, uh...

Have nice eyes?

What?

(ERROL PANTING)

(EXHALING HEAVILY)

That bad, huh?

Sign us up. This is my band.

-There's only two of you.
-So?

Anything more than one
is a band in my book.

Well, we're not reading from
your book, are we?

Two people's a duo.
It's not a band.

You know who'd
care to disagree?

The White Stripes,
The Black Keys,

-The Proclaimers, Heart...
-Heart's a five-piece.

-The Kills, Suicide,
Simon and Garfunkel.
-Ant and Dec!

And, of course,
my personal favourite,
The Carpenters.

You love The Carpenters,
don't you, Val?

Yes. OK.
But one of your
band members is a minor.

The flyer doesn't say
anything about minors.

It's not like
he's going to be cruising
for gay hook-ups, are you?

No.

If you don't let him perform,
based solely on his age,

do you know what that is?
That is...

-Age discrimination.
-Age discrimination.

And discrimination,
Val, well...

-That's bad.
-GWEN: Oh, my God!

What is he doing here? Dad!

VAL: I've got this, baby.
You go get lunch.

So, has he talked you
into this, little man?

No, sir... Miss.
I just wanted to be
in a band to impress chicks.

I was in a band
when I was your age.

I also did it
to impress chicks.

Is there a special girl
you're trying to impress?

-Ruby.
-Ah, Ruby.
That's a pretty name.

Have you tried
writing her a song?

-(DOORBELL RINGING)
-(SYNTHESISER PLAYING)

* When I think about you
You make my chest feel
all tight

* I have to shake my inhaler
Suck with all of my might

* I see you walk down
the halls
But I don't think you see me

* I cannot focus in science
You give me ADHD

* I feel my temperature rise
I see my grades start to drop

* I'm near the bottom of class
I used to be near the top

* You make me sick in my mouth
You make me come out in hives

* You put my stomach in knots
I have to loosen
my tie, tie, tie

* I don't like you

* I like, like you

* I don't like you

* I like, like you

* I'll walk you home
after school

* I'll walk you
right to your house

* I'd like to give you a kiss
But not a kiss on the mouth

* I'll take you out on a date
I'll meet you out by the gym

* And I should probably say
This song was written by him

* I don't like you

* I'll save your
space in the queue
I'll give you answers in maths

* I like, like you

* I'll take you out to the zoo
Will you sit by me in class?

* It's everything that you say
It's everything that you do

* I don't just like you a bit

* I like, like,
like you, you, you *

(SONG FADING OUT)

Today, you have become a man,
my pale little friend.

And I am one step closer to
going back out with Gwen.

What's the matter?
You don't like your milk?

Oh, wait, let me guess.
You're lactose intolerant?

No. I mean, yeah,
but it's not that.

It's just...
What am I going to
talk to her about?

Relax.
You don't need to talk
to her about anything.

All right? Just ask her
lots of questions,
and you'll be fine.

You'll be there
to help, right?

Er... I hadn't
really planned on
wingmanning a 12-year-old.

What? (STAMMERING)
You have to be there.
I can't do it on my own.

Yeah, you can.
You don't need me.

If you don't come,
I'll quit the band.

Fine. You win, brat.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(GROANING)
That's it. I'm done.
It's a horror show out there.

I'd rather burn alive
than go on another date.

The last one was going great,
until his wife showed up.

-Turns out they're swingers.
-What are they?

They're like
acrobats, darling.

Yeah, that really like playing
with lots of other acrobats.

Just promise me that
you'll never grow up and
you'll never get married.

-Relationships are evil.
-Er... Okay.

SAM: So, what did you two
get up to today?

We formed a band. Me and Roly.

-Shut up!
-No, we did. Our first gig
is tomorrow night.

-No way!
-Way!

No, no, seriously. No way.
Roly's with his dad
tomorrow night.

It's his weekend.

-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-BEN: It's open!

(ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE
PLAYING SOFTLY)

Hey, Andy. You hungry?

Nah. I'm all right.

Come on,
I've made way too much.

Nah, I'm... On a diet.

Yeah? And I'm holding
a big fuck-off knife.

Mmm. This is really good.

Thanks, man.

Nice apartment, too, innit?

Yeah. So, Sam tells me you've
been helping out with Roly.

Yeah, here and there.

Be honest,
does she hate my guts with
the whole custody thing?

-Nah.
-Come on, I can take it.

Yeah, she hates
your fucking guts, yeah.

I can't blame her.
You know,
I'm actually proud of her.

Getting herself clean,
going back to uni.

You know, she really
turned her life around.

-How do you find Roly?
-Yeah, good.

Little ladies' man
is what he is.

Every week, he's telling me
about some new girl at school.
Gets it from his old man.

-Yeah.
-Don't ever
get divorced, Andy.

It turns people ugly.
I mean,
I can eat a lot of shit,

but when it comes to my boy,
it's all about two words.

-Peanut allergy.
-No compromise.

I will never compromise
with him. Ever.

But I want you to know,
I'm not out to hurt Sam.

I'm just want to do what's
right for the Rolster.

-You do understand that,
don't you?
-Yeah, yeah. Definitely, yeah.

Good. Now, can I
ask you something?

-Yes.
-What the fuck
are you doing here?

I don't know if you remember,
but we were never
exactly mates.

-What did you used to call me?
-Ben? Just... Ben.

Yeah, that's what you
called me to my face.

But what did you
call me behind my back?

Ben... Ben... Ben...

-Bendy Dick.
-Bendy Dick. That's right.

Your sister and her big mouth.
I bet she never told you
why it bends?

I was in a BMX accident
when I was eight.

And loads of famous people
have got bendy dicks.
Bill Clinton!

He was the
leader of the free world,
he's got a bendy dick.

George Clooney probably
has a bendy dick.

You must have some
serious shit to say to me

to turn up like this
out of nowhere.

I just wanted to ask
if I could take Errol to
a concert tomorrow night?

Why would I let you do that?
Friday's my night.

I know, "no compromise", er...
But he really wants to go.

I'm just trying to
look out for the little guy,
just like you.

Okay.

I'll let you take
Errol to the concert
if you kiss my feet,

and say I have
a beautiful dick.

-(SCOFFS)
-I'm totally serious.

If taking my son away from me
is this important to you,
I have to see it.

(PHONE BEEPING)

(YOU DO SOMETHING TO ME
PLAYING)

(LAUGHING)

Both feet.

Now say it.

-(WHISPERING)
You have a beautiful...
-Can't hear you.

You have a beautiful dick!

-(CHUCKLING)
-(PHONE BEEPING)

-What's so funny?
-Errol called before you came.

I already gave permission.

(LAUGHING)

I, uh, like your tie.

Oh, thanks.
Yeah, it's not a clip-on.

So, Ruby, do you like
listening to music?

-Yeah.
-What sort of bands
do you like?

I don't know,
like One Direction.

No way. Well, that's
Errol's favourite band,
isn't it, Errol?

Really?

Yeah.

Who's your favourite member?
Mine's Zayn.

-Er, yeah. Me, too.
-No way!

RUBY:
And I have all their singles.

I've signed up
for their fan club,

but I haven't been in it
as long as my friend, Clara.

She's always on about
how she's
loved them since X Factor.

-What's your favourite song?
-Oh, it's, er...
(HUMMING MELODY)

Oh, yeah! Little Things.
That's my third favourite.

All right, you guys sit down.
I'll be right back. My treat.

One free Family Feast
to stay in, por favor.

-Oh, hello.
-Oh, hi.

You are
Errol's teacher, Melodie.

-Good memory.
-Well, I never forget
a pretty name.

-What are you doing in here?
-Oh, I just live
around the corner.

No, you shouldn't have
told me that.
Could be a stalker.

I'm not a stalker.

That's the sort of thing
a stalker would say.

Um. I'm going to
stop talking now.

I mean, you never know,
'cos I could be stalking you.

Well, I would like a stalker.

Because I don't own a dog,
so I could use the company.

(MELODIE LAUGHS)

-What are you doing here?
-I am chaperoning Errol
on his first date.

-(CHATTING INDISTINCTLY)
-MELODIE: Oh, he's on a date
with Ruby?

He's wearing a suit.
He's such a little gentleman.

I think he looks like
a Jehovah's Witness.

OK, that's one Family Feast
to eat in.
One Family Feast to take away.

You're having a Family Feast?
Are you expecting company?

Yeah.
It's not like I'm going to
go back to my flat

and eat
a pile of fried chicken
alone with my two cats.

That would be sad.
(LAUGHS)

Well, it was good seeing you.

Er, why don't you
come over and say hello?

I'm sure Errol would
love to see you.

Look who I found!

RUBY: Oh, hi, Miss Thomas.

Hi, guys.
Are you enjoying
your half-term?

I've already done the
holiday reading you gave us.

Errol and I
have formed a band.

Oh, cool.
What kind of music
do you play?

-The awesome kind.
-I play the keyboards.

Just like Louis!

We've got
a gig tonight at Cox.
You should come along.

Uh, isn't that a gay club?

Not when I'm there.

Is it true you know Harry
from One Direction?

Errol said
you taught him guitar.

Yes, that's true.
I taught him everything
that he knows.

Well, I have to admit,
I have a bit of crush on him.

Dirty old lady.

Not that
you're old, or dirty.
I mean, she's old.

-You're quite clean.
You are a...
-Oh, I really should...

-...clean young lady!
-...get going.

It was good seeing you all.

-Are you going to
come to that gig tonight?
-I'll try. I mean, I've...

I might have a thing,
but maybe. Yeah. Maybe.

Bye, Miss Thomas.

She's pretty.

Yeah, I'd give her a seven.

-I'm really glad
you asked me out.
-Really?

Yeah! I mean,
now I have someone to talk
about One Direction with.

-It's like having
another girlfriend.
-Girlfriend? What do you mean?

You're the only boy I know
who likes One Direction.

-I've always wanted
a gay friend.
-Wait a minute, I'm not gay.

It's OK. I don't mind.
I love Alan Carr.

You don't understand.

I only said I liked
One Direction because
you like them, but,

really, I hate them.
I think they're awful and
I think their music's awful.

So, when's the second date?

Never. She thought I was gay!

You told her
I like One Direction,

and then she thought
I was gay.

So, I told her
I hate One Direction
and now she hates me!

Does she think I'm gay?

Who cares?
This is all your fault!

My fault? I didn't want
to come out on your
little stupid toddler date

in the first place.
It's not my problem
you struck out.

That's it! I quit the band.

(MOBILE RINGING)

-Hey, shithead.
-I lost Errol.

-What?
-He just ran off.

I've been driving around
everywhere looking for him,
but I can't find him.

And someone's probably
come along and kidnapped him

and it'll be
all over the news,

and they'll use a photo of me.
They'll use a photo
of me on the news

and people will see
that photo and they'll say,

"Yeah, he definitely did it.
The uncle definitely did it.
Just look at him."

But I didn't kill him,
Sam, I didn't do that.

Andy, shut up. Errol's here.

He got home a few minutes ago.
He took the bus.

He's locked himself
in the bathroom.

(KNOCKING)

Hey, mate?

Errol, I know
you're mad at me.

I deserve it, all right?
I get it.

It's just... Hmm.

I mean...

What do I know about girls?

You know? Look at me.

My love life's
a nuclear disaster zone.

I'm sorry I messed things up
between you and Ruby.

I just really wanted things
to work out for you, because

I really need you
in this band.

I should have just
told you to be yourself.
I mean...

If you're with the right girl,
that's all that really counts.

Ruby's the one
that's missing out.

Fuck One Direction. Fuck 'em.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)

-Hello?
-Where are you?
You're on in an hour.

We're not going to make it.
Sorry.

Useless fat twat.

(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)

You still not going to
tell me what happened?

You know,
me and your uncle Andy
used to fight all the time.

We still do,
but not like we used to.

I remember one time
he was going through
a glam phase,

and he borrowed
my stirrup leggings
without asking.

Yeah, he was
a lot thinner back then.

Anyway, I found them
in the laundry
with massive split up the bum.

-He wouldn't admit to it.
-So, what did you do?

I cut nipple holes
in his Stone Roses T-shirt,
but that's not the point.

The point is,
is that I forgave him,

because, eventually,
we all screw up

and we can only hope
there'll be someone there to
forgive us when it's our turn.

(SNIFFING)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hi, I'm Sam. I'm your sister.
This is Roly.
He's your nephew.

It's really nice to meet you.

-Ooh! Holy shit,
those are soft hands.
-What are you doing here?

Don't we have a gig to get to?

Hmm!

Well, I'm glad you said that,
because I've figured out
the bare minimum

-we need to make
this band work.
-What's that?

Two bears.

(CROWD CHEERING)

All right, gorgeous?

-Andy!
-Shelly? You're here!

I saw your post online.
I wouldn't miss it
for the world.

Do you have time
for a drink later?

Yeah, definitely.

Weren't they fabulous?

(CROWD CHEERING)

Now, our final band
is called...

-(INAUDIBLE)
-Really?

The Bare Maximum!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Thanks. This...
The song is about a girl.

(MUSIC STARTS)

* When I think about you
You make my pants
feel all tight

* You're crawling round
in my head

* You taunt me
all through the night

* I see you walk in the room
You make me weak at the knees

* I've not had sex in a while
I'll do whatever you please

* I feel my temperature rise
I feel my jaw start to drop

* You drive me out of my mind

* Oh, please just
give me a shot...

They're actually pretty good.

* You've got me
begging for more...

-You're not going to
let them win, are you?
-Not a chance.

* Now come and
knock down my door

* I don't like you

* I love, love you

* I don't like you

* I love, love you

* I'll take you home
after work

* I'll take you
up to your house

* And then
I'll give you a kiss

* But not a kiss on the mouth

* I'll take you
higher and higher

* To places you've never been

* And you can probably tell

* This song was
written by him

* I don't like you

* I'll tear off
all of your clothes

* And throw them
down in a pile

* I want to make you explode

* And then again in a while

* It's everything that you say

* It's everything that you do

* I don't just love you a bit

* I love, love, love
You, you, you, you, you

* You, you, you, you, you

(CROWD CHEERING)