All language subtitles for Uncle.S01E02_English

* We were soaring up
through the clouds above

* We were flying high
on our wings of love

* We were strapped in tight
buying duty-free

* Till you said
the words that you said to me

* You said you got no love
left in your heart

* Then the turbulence
tore our plane apart

* Our engine's stalled
as we tucked and braced

* And we smashed back
down to Earth

MAN: Excuse me.

* No survivors

Excuse me.

* No survivors

Excuse me. Excuse me.

(MUSIC DIES)

* No survivors...

Excuse me. Hi. Can you play
somewhere else, please?

Let me see.
Somewhere Else.
Somewhere Else.

I'm not really familiar
with that one, but if you
hum a couple of bars,

I might be able to blag
my way through it.

(LAUGHING) No, I just mean
could you please leave?

You're disturbing
my customers.

Come on, mate,
I'm just trying to
express myself.

Oh, no, that's great. Yeah.

Can I see your
busking licence?

Oh, I must have
left it at home.

Oh, well, why don't
I just call the police?

Why don't I just
call your manager?

Yeah, I am the manager.
And the owner.

This is my coffee bar.

Ooh, it's a coffee bar!

Next to the gastro pub
and over the road
from the laundrette.

Discotheque.

That's clever, yeah.
Things have names.

Look, just clear off,
or I'm going to have to
have you removed

and then it's awkward, so...

You see this?

This represents integrity.

And you see
that coin in there?

I earned that
with my sweat and my blood.

And it may not be much,
but at least I'm not
a soulless, lonely,

talentless, money-grabbing,
city boy.

Well, this soulless city boy
donated a third of his income
to charity last year.

And I do get lonely sometimes.

But it's a good thing I've got
my Swedish fiancee
to keep me company.

She's the Michelin-star
pastry chef who baked
all the organic cakes.

And talentless.

Well, you can
judge for yourself.

My band, we're playing
at the O2 Academy
in Brixton, on Saturday.

You should come!

Yeah, well, that's not
a very cool venue, is it?

Well, you're just so cool?

I might be. You don't know me.

Let me guess. You think
today's music is meaningless
and overproduced.

And you wish you were
back in the '70s,
when music was real

and it had guts and integrity.

But the fact is, they wouldn't
have had you then, either.

I mean, look at
the state of you.

You don't care about yourself,

so how's anyone else
meant to care about you?

This whole young
Joe Cocker thing you're
selling, nobody's buying it.

So you go home to your bong
and your shitty
vintage record collection

that no one else
gives a shit about
and you tell yourself

that you're not famous
because nobody
understands you.

But really, people don't even
want to listen to your music
while they drink coffee.

You're not even coffee music.

You think that
playing on the street
for nothing is integrity,

but really, it's desperation.

It's denial.

Well, that's just, like,
your opinion, man.

No, because they
agree with me.

Oh, I feel bad now.

How much to get you to
go away nicely, eh?

Do you want a tenner?

You can't buy me.
I'm an artist.

Oh, no, no, no.
Of course, yes.
So, like, a 20?

FEMALE CHEMIST: And 11.75
is your change, sir.

Do you wrap gifts?

We're a chemist.

Is that a no, then?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Gwen, wait, please.

Andy, go away or I'm going to
call the police.

Look, I don't even
want to talk.

I just came to give you this.
No strings attached.

I'm not trying to
get back together.

I just want to apologise
for last time.

The last time? You're going
to have to be more specific.

Do you mean the time
that you put
our sex tape online?

Or the time that you borrowed
300 quid for rent
and then bought PlayStation?

Oh, I know. Maybe the time
you lied about having a son?

Please, just take this
and you'll never have to
see me again.

You wrapped it in tinfoil?

I thought it made
it look futuristic.

What's that smell?

We're having brunch.
It's what civilised people
do on a Saturday.

What you having?

Eggs Florentine.

Is that the one with the ham,
or the one with the spinach?

What do you mean "we"?

Who's he?

Go inside, babe.

It's all right.
He was just leaving.

CASPER:
I'll take care of this.

You must be, Andy.
I've heard a lot about you.

Really? Because I've,
literally, never heard
a thing about you.

You must be Gwen's
new gay flatmate.

I'm Casper.
Her new straight boyfriend.

Boyfriend? (SCOFFS) You wish.

She'd never go out
with anyone called Casper.

I hear you've been making
her very unhappy
and I can't have that.

I'd rather not discuss
this with you... Casper.

You know what you are, Andy?

You are a fungus
on the cock of life.

And Dr Casper is the cure.

Well...

Something tells me
that you're not a real
doctor, so...

If I ever see you here again,

(WHISPERING)
I'll rape your soul.

How does that sound?

Uncomfortable.

Fetch, boy.

(DOOR SLAMMING)

(MANDY PLAYING)

(KNOCKING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

It's open!
I'm in the bathroom.

Hey, Andy.

Hello. You're looking slutty.

Oh, thanks.
As long as I don't look fat.

Oh, God, do I look fat?

Well, I wasn't going
to say anything, but...

Where are you going to?
A Bunga Bunga party?

No, I'm having
coffee with Ben.

We're going to try
and settle the custody battle
before the judge has to.

And I thought
a little cleavage

couldn't hurt
negotiations over Roly.

Oh.

Speaking of which,
where is the little mistake?

What's wrong with him?
Aside from the obvious.

He's sick.
He was fine last night.

It's a shame. He was really
looking forward to
his friend's birthday party.

He has friends?

(LAUGHING HUMOURLESSLY)

Anyway, he shouldn't
be any trouble.

Just check in on him
once in a while.
Make sure he's still alive.

I should be back
in a couple of hours.

Help yourself to anything
you need. Food, Internet.

Vibrator collection?

If you can find it,
it's yours.

You know, he asked
about your music
the other day.

Wanted to know
what it was like.

What did you say?

I said it was good.

I lied.

Anyway, call me
if you need anything.

(EXHALES)

(NEWS PLAYING ON TV)

Whoa, what are you doing?

What does it look like?
I'm watching the news.

You're supposed to be in bed.

What do you care?
Did I interrupt you
looking at porno?

They just call it porn
these days and,
no, I wasn't doing that.

Are those hearts
you've got on your pyjamas?

No, they're flowers.

Oh, I do apologise.
That's much better.

Tell me something.
What does that guy
look like to you?

If I tell you, can I watch TV?

Fine.

I don't know.
He looks... Cool.

You do realise that's
a bass guitar he's playing?
A bass guitar.

So?

No, try again.

All right! He looks like an
idiot, a prat, a moron. Happy?

How about a wanker?
Does he look like a wanker?

I wouldn't go that far.

You're not acting very sick.

I am. I really, really am.

(COUGHING)

You're faking it, aren't you?
I knew it, you're faking it!

No, I'm not faking.

If you don't tell me
why you're faking,
I'm gonna tell your mum.

I just really don't want
to go to this party.

ANDY: Why not?

No reason.
I just don't like parties.

Oh, man.

But parties are great.

Free food, free booze.

Girls, drunk girls.

What's not to like?

You haven't lived
until you've woken up
in a stranger's garden,

wearing nothing but
a captain's hat
and a smile on your face.

Parties are where you learn
the art of pointless banter.

Do you think I came out
this charming?
No. It was parties.

If you don't learn
to love parties now,

you're gonna end up being
some wall-hugging, weird,

no party guy,
and you're never
gonna get laid.

Is that what you want?
Is that what you want?

No!

Get changed out of
them flower power things

and let's get you to a party!

Are you sure
he's going to like this?

Trust me.
He's going to love it.

Shit, is that a Bentley?

ERROL: Oh, yeah.
His dad owns a dealership.

ANDY: He must have
a tiny penis, then.

-Why?
-Well, Bentley equals
tiny knob.

It's one of Newton's Laws.

Oh. Good thing my
dad owns Porsche.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

-Errol! Hi.
-(MUSIC PLAYING)

Your mummy told me
you were too sick to make it.

Well, he's feeling
a lot better now.

Aren't you, sailor?

Oh, good.

I hope you're not contagious.

We wouldn't want
anyone getting ill.

Just kidding. (LAUGHS)

I'm Linda. Hi.

Andy. Errol's uncle.

You must be
the birthday boy's sister?

You're trying to butter me up
and it's working! Come in.
Come in.

-This is for Alfie.
-Oh, thank you.

Ooh! Look at that wrapping!
It's very original.

Oh, sorry, gents. Would you
mind just popping off your
shoesies for me?

Oh, look, who it is!
Bruce and Tiffany.

Tiffany, you are
getting so big.

I bet you just eat
all your veggies.

This is a little something
for the big man.

LINDA: Wow. That's massive.

ANDY: It's not about the size,
though, is it?

It's all about
the motion of the ocean.

Claire couldn't make it?

No, she's having to work.
You know her, burning the
candle at both ends.

Don't worry, we know
the shoe drill.

Well, she's got you
well-trained.

Right, kids. All the other
children are through here.

We've got a karaoke machine
and everything.

Yeah, go party.

You're not leaving me here,
are you?

Nah, I'll be right here,
waiting for you.

And don't get too drunk!

(LAUGHING)

Right, I'm off. What time
do I have to pick up
the little rascal?

LINDA:
Oh, you can stay if you like.

We've got wine and
nibbles in the kitchen
for grownups.

I made a fondue.

Well, lucky for you,
I'm very fond of fondue.

We also have mini-burgers.

You know how to talk dirty,
don't you, Linda?

(LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY)

So. It's Andy, right?

Yeah. And you're Brian
from football practise.

Bruce.

Mmm. That's right.

-Bruce from football practise.
-(CHUCKLES)

So, last time we met,
you lied about which
kid was yours.

Oh, yeah. You know...

I was having a bit of fun.

But I've met Errol's dad,

and you're not his dad.

Fuck, no. I'm his
maternal uncle.

Ah, cool!
So Sam's big brother?

No, I'm four years younger.

What's the MILF situation
like around here?

(STUTTERS)
Oh. I wouldn't know.

My wife's the only MILF
I like to... ILF. (LAUGHS)

Um... Thanks for
the spliff last time.

I was chilled out all day.

That's cool.

Donkey! Hey!

Hey, Tom.

Where's your sexier half?

She had to work.

On a Saturday?

Careful, Donkey, you sure
she isn't getting a leg over?

(LAUGHS)

This is Andy, Errol's uncle.

Ooh, Errol? My condolences.

Joking! Good to meet you,
Andy. I'm Tom, Alfie's dad.

Andy is a musician.

Oh, yeah?
Andy the musician.
I've heard of you.

-Really?
-Yeah, aren't you
in that band?

What is it? No Direction!

(LAUGHS)

Come on, come on,
that was a good one, Donkey.

I'm only joking.
What kind of music
do you play?

Well, it's sort of
a combination of...

Hold that thought.
I need to spend a penny.
Here you go.

And don't drink any, I've got
my eye on you, Donkey.

Why does that prick
keep calling you Donkey?

Is it because of your, erm...

No, no. He thinks I look like
the donkey from Shrek.

Does he mean Eddie Murphy
or the actual donkey?

I don't know. I never asked.

* Said I love you baby
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh *

ERROL:
Should I go over
and say, "Hi"?

I mean, it's the polite thing
to do, isn't it?

Whoo! That was brilliant!
Give them a round of
applause, everyone!

(FAINT APPLAUSE)

All right, then.
Wish me luck.

Hi, Alfie.

Happy 12th birthday.
You don't look a day over 11.

-What?
-Nothing.

Why are you even
here, tosspot?

You invited me.

My mum invited you. And now
you're crapping up my party.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Okay, good chatting.

Think he was, um,
pleased to see me.

ANDY: I mean, you're not
just going to let him

get away with calling
you that, are you?

It's fine.
It's just a nickname.

I think old Linda's
got a thing for me.

She keeps staring at me
from over there
with her stripper eyes.

Did you see that we have
paper plates?

Mmm-hmm. I'm good.

Do you want me to say
something to him?
I can say something.

No, please, don't.
Honestly,
it doesn't bother me.

What doesn't bother you?

TOM: Hee-haw! Donkey alert.

-What did I miss?
-We were just talking about...

-Plates! (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
-BRUCE: Football!

Nicknames are stupid,
aren't they?

(LAUGHS) Yeah, like Everton.

I mean, come on,
the Toffees?

I mean, no one's
afraid of toffee.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Um, Andy, where did
you get that mug?

I don't know. A cupboard?

It's just
I've put out all those nice
wine glasses for the wine.

Yeah. I know. But wine glasses
don't really suit me.

I mean, look at this. Ha! So.

It's just that that's
Tom's special mug.

ANDY: Oh, I'm sorry.

Here you go.

(CHUCKLING)

Don't give him
a hard time, babe.

It's an honest mistake.

Right, Andy?

Right.

Hey, do you guys
want to see something cool?

Afternoon, lads.

I see you went
with the burger.

A fine choice.

(ALFIE CLEARS THROAT)

Aren't you embarrassed?

Embarrassed?
No. Why should I be?

Because you pissed your pants.

Uh, no, I didn't.

Uh, yes, you did.

(KIDS LAUGHING)

Piss pants!

ALL: Piss pants, piss pants,
piss pants, piss pants!

Congratulations, gentlemen,

you currently find yourselves
in the presence
of a masterpiece.

If Vinny van Gogh
made this car, he would have
cut both ears off.

This wasn't manufactured,
it was moulded.

No detail's been spared.

Natural wood veneers,
a sumptuous leather interior,

handpicked from herds
in cooler climes,

just to ensure
a smoother hide.

If the exhaust pipe wasn't
so small, I would fuck it.

(FORCED LAUGHTER)

I think I'd still prefer
a Rolls-Royce.

(LAUGHTER STOPS)

I'm kidding.

I've just realised
who you look like.

That big one off Monsters Inc.

Yeah. No, not really though.

Yes, you do.
Doesn't he, Donkey?

Guys? Doesn't he look
like that hairy one from
Monsters Inc?

-Yeah! (LAUGHING)
-What's his name?

-Stanley.
-Yeah, Stanley.

It's Sulley.

Sulley? Are you sure?

Of course he's sure,
it's his name!

(MEN LAUGHING)

Come on, show us your
scary face, Monsters Inc.

-There we go!
-(LAUGHTER)

All right, I partied.

Now, can we go?

Now? Linda's just made
pigs in a blanket.

Wait, why are you holding
your jumper like that?

It makes you look like
you've pissed yourself.

You've pissed yourself?

No. Alfie threw apple
juice on my trousers.

Why would he do that?

To make it look like
I've pissed myself.

And because he's a bully.

See, this is why
I didn't want to come!

You don't care about yourself,
so how's anybody else supposed
to care about you, eh?

You're like a fungus
on the cock...

Show us your scary face,
Monsters Inc.

(LAUGHTER)

Look, Errol, what do you want
to do more than anything else
when you grow up?

I want to be an actuary.

-Cool.
-You don't know what
an actuary is, do you?

No.

But what I do know is
that if we leave now,

you're gonna get bullied
for the rest of your life.

You're gonna get a shit job,
with shit friends.

You're gonna marry
an ugly woman,

and you're gonna buy
a shit house and you're gonna
to have ugly kids in it.

I don't want ugly children!

Right, so why don't you end
the cycle right now
and go in there

and show Alfie that
you don't care?

And who knows?
Maybe, one day,
you'll be a hot shot actuary,

with a gorgeous
Swedish fiancee.

Okay, I want to go back
in there, but my
trousers are wet.

Well, at least
you've got trousers.

Think of them African kids.
All they've got is Coca-Cola
T-shirts and sandals.

Now, go in there
and show them what
a real actuary's made of.

Okay, I'm going.

Hi, Alfie.

Yeah, I just wanted to say,
no hard feelings about before.

Can I ask you
something, Errol?

Yeah, sure. I love questions.

Are you a lesbian?

(CHUCKLING)

Um, yeah. I'm a lesbian.

Ha! He's a lesbian! I knew it!

Of course I'm a lesbian,
aren't you?

Yuck, no.

'Cos lesbian means
you fancy girls.

I guess that means you don't
fancy girls, then?

Shut up, lesbo.

I bet you caught
lesbian disease
from your mum.

Don't talk about my mum.

Why not?
Everyone knows
she's a druggie slut.

-Take that back.
-Make me.

Leave him alone.

What are you going
to do about it?

Are you two going to kiss
and have lesbian babies?

WOMAN: No way!

Andy King?

Shelly Asher.
From sixth form.

We had jazz choir together.

Shelly! Wow, yeah.

What are you doing here?

Nothing. I'm just
keeping an eye
on my nephew.

What about you?

Just working.

Professional party
entertainer.

I mean, it's no West End,
but it pays the bills.

Oh, yeah, that's great.

It's so weird seeing you here.

What have you been up to?
I remember you used
to be this amazing musician.

Everyone was always, like,
"That Andy, yeah,

"he's going to be
proper famous."

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. No, things
are going well.

I've done some music
for some adverts.

-I'm a corporate sell out,
I know.
-Good money, though.

Yeah, and I've been working
on an album.

Oh, amazing.

Yeah. And I've been
gigging a lot.

Working my way up,
slowly but surely.

But you got to think of
the long game.

I did a gig recently
at a swanky coffee bar.

Oh, I am so jealous.

You should tell me
the next time you're going to
do a show.

I'd love to come and see you.

I will. I will.

You know...

I used to have
this massive crush
on you at school.

-Really?
-Yeah.

I remember I even changed
classes, 'cos I knew you
were going to be in it.

Proper little stalker, I was.

-Yeah, that's back
when I was skinny.
-Yeah.

So, is there a Mrs Andy King?

No. No.

I mean, I had a girlfriend,
but we've split up.

-Oh? Sorry.
-No, don't be sorry.

No, I had to get rid of her.

She was a level-ten clinger,
if you know what I mean.

So...

TOM: Monsters Inc!

(LAUGHTER)

Are you scaring
this young lady?

No. Not at all.

Doesn't he look like the
hairy one from Monsters Inc?

(LAUGHING)

Maybe in the huggable
teddy bear, kind of, way.
Yeah.

Do you watch any films
that aren't rated "U"?

When you have kids,
if you have kids,

you'll understand
the sacrifices
that must be made.

What's your cartoon nickname?

What do you call me, boys?

ALL: Buzz!

That's Mr Lightyear to you!

(CHUCKLES)

What's so funny?

Nothing.

It's just that Buzz Lightyear
thinks he's cool, but really,

everyone makes fun of him
behind his back, because
he's a delusional dick.

(GIGGLES)

-What are you trying to say?
-Nothing, Mr Lightyear.

You think people laugh at me
behind my back?

What about you?

You're a musician
nobody's heard of.

That's like being a car
with no wheels.

Going nowhere.

That's not true.
He's recorded an album.

Yeah? Sing us a song
from it, Monsters Inc.

I don't have my guitar.

Come on, you're a
guest at my house.

I'm asking you nicely to sing
one of your beautiful songs.

Well?

Your audience awaits.

I'm joking.

You should've seen your face!

Seriously, Monsters Inc,
you're supposed to be
the scary one.

(LAUGHING)

-I better get back to work.
-Yeah.

I... I don't...
I don't have my guitar.

Ooh. There you are.

Uh, there's been a little
accident with Errol.

He's fine.
He just fallen and
bumped his nose.

There's some blood
on the carpet.

But not to worry, that's what
stain guard's for, right?

Also, I think
he might have wet himself.

Anyway, he's asking for you.

Right. Better get on
with the cake!

I don't want to talk about it.
I just want to go.

Come with me.

Oi, shithead.

Apologise to him.

-Who are you?
-I'm his uncle.

-Now apologise.
-No. He's a loser.

I can see where
he gets it from.

You know what you need?

-A better view?
-(SARCASTICALLY LAUGHS)

No. If I was your parent,
I'd slap you handsome.

Yeah? Well, you can't hit me.

I'm a child.

No, you're right. I can't.

But he can.

Now we've got to go.

Come on!
You can do that later.

I'm not walking on the street
without shoes.

Double knots?
Seriously?

It's rude to leave
without saying goodbye.

Uh... We're not leaving.

We're just
going out for a smoke.

-You hit my boy.
-Your boy hit my nephew.

What?
You mean Ratatouille?

Don't call me that,
you wanker.

What did Ratatouille
just call me?

Don't talk to my dad
that way, piss pants!

Don't get in my nephew's face,
the... Fat kid from Up!

-You...
-Tom!

What's this about Alfie
trying to punch my daughter?

Is that true, Alfie?

Did you take a swing at Shrek?

No! She's lying.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait.

You called my
little girl Shrek?

Yeah. Shrek and Donkey,
the dynamic duo!

(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

-Oh!
-(SCREAMS)

(BRUCE LAUGHS)

Whoo! That felt good.

-Nice work. Let's go!
-Tiff!

(SCREAMS)

This isn't over.

We'll press charges.

Shut up, Tom.

Dad, we can still catch them
if we take the Bentley.

Motherfucking Monsters Inc!

(MY WANDERING DAYS ARE OVER
PLAYING)

Come on!

Here she is.

How did it go?

He wants Roly every two weeks
and every weekend.

Is that bad?

It's bullshit. Weekends are
the best part of childhood.

That's when you get to
go on roller coasters
and visit aquariums.

Why did he get
all the fun stuff?

Ugh!

See, if I was still using, I
would have slept with him and
I'd have gotten my way.

That's your takeaway
from all this?

That and don't buy bras
off the Internet. Ow.

How's Roly?

He's been fast asleep
the whole time.
Hasn't made a peep.

Hmm. What have you been up to?

Just chilling.

Internetting and stuff.

-Who's that guy?
-No one.

He's just a friend
of a friend.

Looks like a bell-end.

Well, I better check on the
little curse before I'm off.

You're really enjoying
this, aren't you,
this whole uncle thing?

It's better than herpes.

You would know.

Andy, wait.

Yep.

Alfie's mum called.
She told me everything.

I never liked the
bitch, anyway.

(SIGHS)

Oi. It's me, you little faker.

Look, um...

I'm sorry I made you
go to the party.

It's fine.

I think I actually
enjoyed myself.

Really?

Yeah, and I think I learnt
something important, too.

Like what?

Sometimes it's okay
to hit people.

Good night, piss pants.

Wait.

Can you sing me
one of your songs?

Nah, you don't want to hear
one of them.

-Why not? Are you bad?
-No.

I just don't have my guitar
and it's probably not
your sort of thing.

Try me.

(EXHALES)

* There's an impact crater
sitting in my heart

* From the time that we
crashed and
blew our love apart

* The fire that we shared
burned hot and fast

* I thought they'd
never put it out

* No survivors

(INSTRUMENTS PLAYING ALONG)

* No survivors

* No survivors

* No survivors

* No survivors

* No survivors

* No survivors

* No survivors

* No survivors

* No survivors

* No survivors

* No survivors

* No, no, no, no, no survivors

* No survivors