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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,800 --> 00:00:08,570 "Dear Gwen, 2 00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:11,200 "I had an amazing dream last night. 3 00:00:11,233 --> 00:00:13,533 "We were having a picnic by a waterfall. 4 00:00:13,567 --> 00:00:15,327 "You made us ham and pickle sandwiches 5 00:00:15,367 --> 00:00:17,267 "and I told you they tasted better than Pret, 6 00:00:17,300 --> 00:00:21,200 "which you thought was funny even though I wasn't joking. 7 00:00:21,233 --> 00:00:25,303 "You said I looked handsome and I sang you a song with my guitar, 8 00:00:25,333 --> 00:00:28,233 "which was weird because I didn't remember bringing a guitar, 9 00:00:28,267 --> 00:00:30,027 "but that's dreams for you. 10 00:00:30,067 --> 00:00:32,067 "Then we made love in loads of positions 11 00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:35,300 "but mostly doggie style 'cause I know that's your favourite. 12 00:00:35,333 --> 00:00:39,203 "I woke up after that. Now all I remember is the pain. 13 00:00:41,933 --> 00:00:44,033 "I miss you, Gwen. 14 00:00:44,067 --> 00:00:45,627 "I can't go on without you. 15 00:00:45,667 --> 00:00:47,167 "And that's why 16 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:49,570 "I've decided to kill myself. 17 00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:51,667 "Love, Andy." 18 00:00:57,933 --> 00:00:59,773 (TUNING RADIO) 19 00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:02,730 (POP MUSIC) 20 00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:07,270 (DRAMATIC OPERA MUSIC) 21 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:19,430 (MOBILE RINGS) 22 00:01:24,867 --> 00:01:26,927 (PHONE RINGS) 23 00:01:26,967 --> 00:01:29,667 (ON ANSWERING MACHING) Hi, this is Andy, leave a message after the... 24 00:01:29,700 --> 00:01:31,100 (BELCHES) 25 00:01:32,067 --> 00:01:34,367 SAM: Andy? Are you there? Pick up. 26 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:38,430 Right. If you're listening to this and not answering, I disown you as my brother. 27 00:01:38,467 --> 00:01:40,867 That's it. I'm hanging up in 10, nine, 28 00:01:40,900 --> 00:01:43,770 eight, seven, six, five, 29 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:49,700 four, three and a half, three, two, one... 30 00:01:49,733 --> 00:01:51,973 -This better be good. -Shit! Thank God you're there. 31 00:01:52,067 --> 00:01:54,397 -What took you so long? -Nothing. 32 00:01:54,433 --> 00:01:56,573 -Just watching porn. -Okay, TMI. 33 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:58,130 Right, can you pick up Roly from school for me? 34 00:01:58,167 --> 00:02:00,467 -Who? -Errol? Your nephew. 35 00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:03,300 Oh, right, Errol. Uh, yeah. No. 36 00:02:03,333 --> 00:02:05,073 Shit, Andy. When have I ever asked you for anything? 37 00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:06,570 Exactly, so why start now? 38 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:07,830 (HUSHING) 39 00:02:07,867 --> 00:02:10,097 Because I've called every responsible person I know 40 00:02:10,133 --> 00:02:12,833 and they're all busy. Come on, please, I'm begging you. 41 00:02:12,867 --> 00:02:14,727 -I'm actually going to hang up now. -Andy, wait! Wait! 42 00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:16,597 Wait, please. Please. 43 00:02:16,633 --> 00:02:18,973 Listen, I've just got out of class and there's no way I can pick him up 44 00:02:19,067 --> 00:02:20,197 and get him to football on time. 45 00:02:20,233 --> 00:02:21,433 So he misses football. Big deal! 46 00:02:21,467 --> 00:02:22,967 Yes, it's a huge deal, actually! 47 00:02:23,067 --> 00:02:25,167 He misses football and his dickhead dad finds out, 48 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:28,230 it could ruin the custody case. Oh, come on. 49 00:02:28,267 --> 00:02:30,167 Have you really got anything better going on? 50 00:02:31,667 --> 00:02:33,227 (SIZZLING) 51 00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:43,200 * Feel when I dance for you 52 00:02:44,067 --> 00:02:48,067 * We move like the sea 53 00:02:49,433 --> 00:02:54,273 * You You're all I want to know 54 00:02:54,967 --> 00:02:59,167 * I feel free 55 00:03:01,733 --> 00:03:04,703 (BELL RINGS) 56 00:03:04,733 --> 00:03:06,133 Have a lovely evening. 57 00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:07,630 Hey. 58 00:03:07,667 --> 00:03:10,167 Hey, little fucker. 59 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:11,800 Hi, there. Can I help? 60 00:03:11,833 --> 00:03:15,333 Uh, hello, miss. I'm here to pick up Errol. 61 00:03:15,367 --> 00:03:16,327 I'm his uncle. 62 00:03:16,367 --> 00:03:19,067 Really? I've not seen you before. 63 00:03:19,067 --> 00:03:20,167 You could just be some weirdo 64 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,070 looking to steal young boys, for all I know. 65 00:03:23,900 --> 00:03:25,500 Sorry, I'm joking. 66 00:03:25,533 --> 00:03:27,303 Your sister called to say that you'd be coming. 67 00:03:27,333 --> 00:03:29,633 I couldn't resist. Roly, your uncle's here for you! 68 00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:32,297 I didn't know Roly had an uncle. Are you two close? 69 00:03:32,333 --> 00:03:34,133 Yeah, yeah. We're like best mates. 70 00:03:34,167 --> 00:03:36,067 I'm like a second dad to him. 71 00:03:36,067 --> 00:03:37,267 Take him out for pizza all the time... 72 00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:38,730 I thought he was allergic to wheat. 73 00:03:38,767 --> 00:03:42,767 He is, but I know a little place that is wheat-free all the way. 74 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:45,430 -Right. -He reminds me a lot of myself at that age. 75 00:03:45,467 --> 00:03:47,467 I mean, not as good looking, obviously. 76 00:03:47,500 --> 00:03:48,500 Obviously. 77 00:03:50,433 --> 00:03:51,933 Takes his time packing, doesn't he? 78 00:03:51,967 --> 00:03:53,467 (CHUCKLING) 79 00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:56,400 -So, what do you do? I'm a musician. -Oh, musical family. 80 00:03:56,433 --> 00:03:58,833 Roly's quite the piano player, isn't he? 81 00:03:58,867 --> 00:04:00,527 Is he? I mean, yes, he is. 82 00:04:00,567 --> 00:04:04,097 I mean, I taught him everything I know, so he should be. 83 00:04:05,833 --> 00:04:07,273 So, what do you do? 84 00:04:08,433 --> 00:04:10,733 -I'm a teacher. -Oh, yes, of course. 85 00:04:10,767 --> 00:04:12,067 Just checking! 86 00:04:13,067 --> 00:04:14,827 Hey, mate. Up top! 87 00:04:14,867 --> 00:04:19,927 That is classic Roly. He is always missing the high five. 88 00:04:19,967 --> 00:04:21,597 -My name's Andy, by the way. -Melodie. 89 00:04:21,633 --> 00:04:23,633 Melodie? That's got a nice ring to it. 90 00:04:28,367 --> 00:04:29,427 Bye, bye, then. 91 00:04:34,433 --> 00:04:36,073 Come on, I haven't got all day. 92 00:04:39,333 --> 00:04:40,433 (IN HIGH VOICE) "Hi, Uncle Andy. 93 00:04:40,467 --> 00:04:41,627 "Thanks for coming to pick me up. 94 00:04:41,667 --> 00:04:43,597 "I'm sure you've got lots of more important things 95 00:04:43,633 --> 00:04:44,833 "to be getting on with." 96 00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:46,967 Why couldn't Mum pick me up? 97 00:04:47,067 --> 00:04:50,227 Because she's dead. I've come to take you to identify the body. 98 00:04:50,267 --> 00:04:51,697 That's not funny. 99 00:04:51,733 --> 00:04:53,603 Well, I'm only a chauffeur, I'm not a bloody comedian. 100 00:04:54,067 --> 00:04:55,427 Come on! 101 00:05:01,967 --> 00:05:04,327 Do you mind? I'm allergic to cigarettes. 102 00:05:04,367 --> 00:05:06,167 -Since when? -Since my whole life. 103 00:05:08,300 --> 00:05:10,470 -So, Roly... -Don't call me that. 104 00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:12,770 Fine, Errol. Are you any good at football? 105 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,130 -You don't have to do this. -Do what? 106 00:05:14,167 --> 00:05:16,097 Make small talk. We could just not talk. 107 00:05:16,133 --> 00:05:20,373 Fine. That's absolutely fine by me. We'll just sit in silence. That's great. 108 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:22,770 We'll just sit here in silence, not talking. 109 00:05:26,067 --> 00:05:27,367 Okay, what are you doing? 110 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:29,070 I'm counting how long it'll take you to start talking again. 111 00:05:29,067 --> 00:05:31,627 Yeah, great. Okay, brilliant. We don't need to do small talk. 112 00:05:31,667 --> 00:05:34,297 Let's jump straight into the big stuff. Do you have a girlfriend? 113 00:05:34,333 --> 00:05:36,533 No. You have to be in love to have a girlfriend. 114 00:05:36,567 --> 00:05:37,967 Let me tell you about love. All right? 115 00:05:38,067 --> 00:05:40,197 When you're in love, it feels like you're walking on water, 116 00:05:40,233 --> 00:05:43,103 and then you realise, "Oh, hang on, I'm not walking on water, 117 00:05:43,133 --> 00:05:44,703 "I'm actually drowning." 118 00:05:44,733 --> 00:05:48,833 And then a shark bites off your foot and you go, "Ow, ah, my foot!" 119 00:05:48,867 --> 00:05:50,097 And then another shark comes along 120 00:05:50,133 --> 00:05:52,503 and it goes straight for your cock and balls! 121 00:05:52,533 --> 00:05:55,203 And you're going "Save me! Somebody, save me!" 122 00:05:55,233 --> 00:05:57,733 And then a seagull plucks you out of the water and you think, 123 00:05:57,767 --> 00:05:59,427 "I'm saved! I'm saved!" 124 00:05:59,467 --> 00:06:02,067 And then he drops you on to the jagged rocks 125 00:06:02,067 --> 00:06:04,567 and you explode like a rotten watermelon 126 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:07,370 and there's blood and guts and broken bones everywhere 127 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:09,970 and you think "Well, at least it couldn't get any worse." 128 00:06:10,067 --> 00:06:13,467 And then that is when the hyenas come along and eat you up 129 00:06:13,500 --> 00:06:15,470 and you know what you end up being then, Errol? 130 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,100 Do you know what you end up being then? 131 00:06:17,133 --> 00:06:20,133 Just a steaming pile of hyena shit. That's love. 132 00:06:22,067 --> 00:06:23,297 You want to lighten up, mate. 133 00:06:23,333 --> 00:06:24,973 -Get some of this down you. -No, thanks. 134 00:06:25,067 --> 00:06:28,067 As your uncle, I command you. 135 00:06:28,067 --> 00:06:29,367 -Uncle. -What's so funny about that? 136 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:32,170 When's my birthday? 137 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:34,600 June... (STAMMERING) 138 00:06:34,633 --> 00:06:37,873 -March 2nd. -Fine! I'm no good with dates and details 139 00:06:37,900 --> 00:06:38,970 but I'm good at the big stuff. 140 00:06:39,067 --> 00:06:40,367 What's my middle name? 141 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,070 Come on. This one's easy. 142 00:06:42,633 --> 00:06:44,373 Is it Errol? 143 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,230 You think my name's Errol Errol? 144 00:06:46,267 --> 00:06:47,667 All right, fine. Okay. 145 00:06:47,700 --> 00:06:49,200 You think that I have shown 146 00:06:49,233 --> 00:06:51,403 a distinct lack of interest in your life up till now 147 00:06:51,433 --> 00:06:54,273 and you'll be right. I find you incredibly tedious and dull. 148 00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:56,070 But what have you ever done that's interesting? 149 00:06:56,100 --> 00:06:57,530 I mean that's the problem with kids today, 150 00:06:57,567 --> 00:06:59,067 they think everything they do is interesting. 151 00:06:59,067 --> 00:07:02,067 "Oh, look at me with my cool allergies 152 00:07:02,067 --> 00:07:04,667 "and my, my wheelie backpack." 153 00:07:04,700 --> 00:07:06,170 What's interesting about that? 154 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,330 There's nothing interesting about that! I'm a musician. That's interesting. 155 00:07:08,367 --> 00:07:10,827 My dad says "musician" is just another word for "unemployed". 156 00:07:10,867 --> 00:07:12,227 Yeah well your dad's hardly an altar boy. 157 00:07:12,267 --> 00:07:14,227 Do you even know how your parents met? 158 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:15,567 They met through their dealer. 159 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:17,700 His name was "Eclypse", if memory serves me correctly. 160 00:07:17,733 --> 00:07:19,203 What do you mean by "dealer"? 161 00:07:19,233 --> 00:07:21,173 -You know, drug dealer. -What, you mean like a pharmacist? 162 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,900 Yeah, like a pharmacist. Like a pharmacist that borrows your DVDs. 163 00:07:23,933 --> 00:07:25,433 (MOBILE RINGS) 164 00:07:25,467 --> 00:07:27,267 You can't answer while driving, it's illegal. 165 00:07:29,167 --> 00:07:31,797 -Hello? -Hey, how are my two favourite boys? 166 00:07:31,833 --> 00:07:34,073 Yeah, we're getting on like a fucking house on fire. 167 00:07:34,067 --> 00:07:36,827 Oh, that's great. Listen, little change of plan. 168 00:07:36,867 --> 00:07:40,267 I thought I'd be done by now but I have a meeting with my professor. 169 00:07:40,300 --> 00:07:43,100 So, um, do you mind bringing Roly home after the game? 170 00:07:43,133 --> 00:07:44,203 (TYRES SCREECH, CRASHING) 171 00:07:44,233 --> 00:07:45,833 -Shit! -I know, I'm really sorry. 172 00:07:45,867 --> 00:07:47,327 I'll make it up to you, I swear. 173 00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:48,867 Yeah, no, that's absolutely great. 174 00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:51,230 Yes. Um, bye. Thank you. 175 00:07:51,867 --> 00:07:53,067 Fucking hell! 176 00:07:55,933 --> 00:07:58,573 -Get out the car. -Hi. 177 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:02,130 -That, that wasn't my fault... -Get out of the car now. 178 00:08:02,167 --> 00:08:04,067 -It was his fault. -What? No, it wasn't! 179 00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:07,900 Yeah. He covered my eyes while I was driving. I couldn't see. 180 00:08:07,933 --> 00:08:10,173 Kids, eh? Are you a family man? 181 00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:12,530 Get out or I'll pull you out. 182 00:08:12,967 --> 00:08:14,627 Okay, well... 183 00:08:14,667 --> 00:08:18,197 You take a couple of steps back and then I can get out the car 184 00:08:18,233 --> 00:08:20,933 and we can discuss this like a couple of civilised... 185 00:08:20,967 --> 00:08:23,267 -Oi! -Fuck off, you fuck-faced fuck! 186 00:08:23,733 --> 00:08:25,103 Stop that car! 187 00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:28,070 Fucking wanker! 188 00:08:28,100 --> 00:08:30,270 I'm telling Mum about this. She's going to kill you. 189 00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:31,730 Yeah, not if I beat her to it. 190 00:08:35,733 --> 00:08:37,373 Come on! Someone get on him! 191 00:08:38,433 --> 00:08:40,103 That's it, take it! Take it! 192 00:08:42,867 --> 00:08:44,767 Nice dive, Tom Daley! 193 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:47,770 Boo! Save it for the Oscars! 194 00:08:49,167 --> 00:08:50,797 Suck it up, you pussy! 195 00:08:51,933 --> 00:08:54,573 Oh, look, it's Wayne Puny! 196 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:57,400 I've seen better ball handling from a priest! 197 00:08:57,433 --> 00:08:59,733 Yellow card for time wasting! 198 00:08:59,767 --> 00:09:02,297 Red card for being shit! 199 00:09:03,933 --> 00:09:06,833 -We're not being too harsh, are we? -Nah, it's character building. 200 00:09:06,867 --> 00:09:08,097 Which one's yours, then? 201 00:09:08,133 --> 00:09:09,733 Uh, that one. 202 00:09:11,533 --> 00:09:14,303 That's my little girl, Tiffany. Isn't she something? 203 00:09:14,333 --> 00:09:15,503 Yeah, she's certainly something. 204 00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:20,370 Can I have some water, please? I'm really parched. 205 00:09:20,867 --> 00:09:22,167 What's this? 206 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:24,400 Ask a stranger for water day? Get your own water! 207 00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:29,370 I feel sorry for his parents. 208 00:09:30,167 --> 00:09:31,567 Do you fancy a smoke? 209 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:34,670 Oh, no, my wife made me give up the ol' cigarettes. 210 00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:37,100 No. I mean like a "smoke". 211 00:09:37,133 --> 00:09:39,373 (WHISTLE BLOWS) 212 00:09:41,900 --> 00:09:43,700 This is exactly what I needed. 213 00:09:44,767 --> 00:09:46,627 Happy to help. 214 00:09:46,667 --> 00:09:48,067 Do you know what we are? 215 00:09:48,900 --> 00:09:50,500 -What? -We're the cool dads. 216 00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:54,203 Yeah, that's what we are. 217 00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:57,270 It's Bruce, by the way. 218 00:09:57,300 --> 00:09:59,130 -Andy. -So, what do you do, Andy? 219 00:09:59,167 --> 00:10:00,497 I'm a musician. 220 00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:03,573 What? No way! Rock 'n' roll, man. 221 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,700 Have I heard anything of yours? 222 00:10:05,733 --> 00:10:08,273 You know them CottonCare toilet paper adverts? 223 00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:12,070 Yeah! With the giant stuffed bears having that pillow fight? 224 00:10:12,100 --> 00:10:13,800 Yeah, I wrote the jingle for that. 225 00:10:15,167 --> 00:10:17,327 -That's cool. -Yeah, it is. 226 00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:18,367 What do you do? 227 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:21,730 I have the greatest job in the world. 228 00:10:21,767 --> 00:10:22,797 You're a porn star? 229 00:10:22,833 --> 00:10:24,603 All right, second greatest job. 230 00:10:25,233 --> 00:10:26,573 I'm a stay-at-home dad. 231 00:10:29,533 --> 00:10:32,103 -So, Tiffany, she's yours then, is she? -Yep. 232 00:10:32,133 --> 00:10:35,533 That big blonde Viking girl over there is yours? 233 00:10:35,567 --> 00:10:37,267 Yep. 234 00:10:37,300 --> 00:10:40,600 -How does that work, then? -I'm her step-dad. 235 00:10:40,633 --> 00:10:42,573 But do you know why they call it a step-dad? 236 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:43,570 No, why? 237 00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:45,700 'Cause I'd step in front of a bus for that girl. 238 00:10:47,867 --> 00:10:53,397 I don't think I'd step in front of a slow-moving bike for anyone. 239 00:10:53,433 --> 00:10:56,573 Oh, wheelie backpack, nice. 240 00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:58,370 I've been thinking of getting Tiff one of these. 241 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,130 (MOBILE RINGS) 242 00:11:00,167 --> 00:11:01,367 It's Gwen! 243 00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:02,670 Hello? Gwen? 244 00:11:02,700 --> 00:11:04,730 Gwen? Hello? 245 00:11:04,767 --> 00:11:06,767 -What the fuck? -Hello, Gwen? 246 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,070 Uh... I've got to go. 247 00:11:12,267 --> 00:11:14,167 -Come on! Let's go. -But the game's not over yet. 248 00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:16,700 Fine. I'll give you 20 quid. 249 00:11:16,733 --> 00:11:20,233 Ah! My leg! It's broken. 250 00:11:20,267 --> 00:11:22,567 It's broken! I think it's my fibula! 251 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:25,570 Oh, no! Not your fibula! 252 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,900 Weak fibulas run in our family. 253 00:11:27,933 --> 00:11:29,603 I better take you to a hospital. 254 00:11:29,633 --> 00:11:30,733 Make way! 255 00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:33,627 He's deceptively heavy! 256 00:11:37,433 --> 00:11:38,573 Get in! 257 00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:46,630 Where are we? I thought you were taking me home. 258 00:11:46,667 --> 00:11:48,267 Wait here. I'll be back in a few minutes. 259 00:11:48,300 --> 00:11:49,730 Take me home or I'm telling Mum. 260 00:11:49,767 --> 00:11:52,067 Fine. Tell her what you like. 261 00:11:52,100 --> 00:11:54,300 (CRYING) Mummy! 262 00:11:54,333 --> 00:11:57,133 Uncle Andy touched my special equipment. 263 00:11:57,933 --> 00:12:00,203 Your special equipment? 264 00:12:00,233 --> 00:12:03,073 You twisted little... Fine, if you tell her that 265 00:12:03,067 --> 00:12:06,797 then I am going to show her this! 266 00:12:06,833 --> 00:12:09,503 -That's not mine. -Yeah? It was in your bag. 267 00:12:09,533 --> 00:12:11,433 I was keeping it for a friend. Give it back. 268 00:12:11,467 --> 00:12:13,627 No! No. 269 00:12:13,667 --> 00:12:16,097 Well, you can tell your friend that the lady parts don't go on the front 270 00:12:16,133 --> 00:12:19,173 like a coin slot, but asides from that, 10 out of 10 for accuracy. 271 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,900 Now, you wait here like a good little boy 272 00:12:21,933 --> 00:12:23,173 then I will give you that back. 273 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,100 -I hate you. -I hate you too, munchkin. 274 00:12:26,667 --> 00:12:28,497 There you go. Brush up on your anatomy. 275 00:12:28,533 --> 00:12:30,073 Happy birthday, mate. 276 00:12:49,933 --> 00:12:51,373 Where do you think you're going? 277 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,770 Please let me in. My dad's in there. 278 00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:55,470 Sorry, son. No kids allowed. 279 00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:17,173 -Andy, what are you doing here? -What am I doing here? 280 00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:18,570 You're the one that phoned me. 281 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,470 That was a mistake. I was trying to delete your number. 282 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:23,100 -I call it a sign. -Yeah, a stop sign. 283 00:13:23,133 --> 00:13:25,203 We had a fun few months but it is over. 284 00:13:26,100 --> 00:13:27,730 Is this because of the sex tape? 285 00:13:27,767 --> 00:13:30,327 Look, I messed up but you understand, I was hammered. 286 00:13:30,367 --> 00:13:32,067 Me and the boys were playing truth or dare. 287 00:13:32,067 --> 00:13:34,097 They dared me to put it online. They dared me! 288 00:13:34,133 --> 00:13:36,203 How did they even know about the tape? 289 00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:38,103 Well, that was the truth question. 290 00:13:38,133 --> 00:13:39,603 You know, it's not like you could see your face 291 00:13:39,633 --> 00:13:42,373 and it was hardly a flattering angle for me either, so... 292 00:13:43,733 --> 00:13:45,573 -God, I've missed you. -We're not back together, Andy. 293 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,670 -But we were great together. -Were we? 294 00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:51,070 I mean, okay, the sex was surprisingly good 295 00:13:51,100 --> 00:13:52,870 but I thought there'd be more to you. 296 00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:57,300 Some secret layer of maturity hidden under all that. 297 00:13:57,333 --> 00:13:59,473 I'm mature. I watch The Culture Show. 298 00:13:59,500 --> 00:14:00,630 Come on, Gwen. 299 00:14:01,167 --> 00:14:02,467 I love you. 300 00:14:04,367 --> 00:14:06,267 You need to leave before my dad sees you here. 301 00:14:06,300 --> 00:14:08,470 I'm not going anywhere until you take me back. 302 00:14:09,833 --> 00:14:11,103 (GRUNTING) 303 00:14:11,133 --> 00:14:13,633 Come on, Gwen. Just give me one more chance. 304 00:14:13,667 --> 00:14:15,297 No. Look at you. 305 00:14:15,333 --> 00:14:17,833 You're just too irresponsible. 306 00:14:17,867 --> 00:14:22,097 -Daddy! -Sorry. I had to let him in. That boy can cry. 307 00:14:22,700 --> 00:14:23,830 Give me back my drawing. 308 00:14:23,867 --> 00:14:26,227 Andy, is this your son? 309 00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:30,070 Yes, that's who he is. 310 00:14:30,067 --> 00:14:31,467 He's my son. 311 00:14:31,500 --> 00:14:33,870 -What's your name, darling? -Romeo. His name's Romeo. 312 00:14:33,900 --> 00:14:36,100 Isn't it? Romeo? 313 00:14:36,133 --> 00:14:38,173 Do you mind if me and Romeo just go over here 314 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:41,070 and have a little chat? Is that... Yep, good. 315 00:14:41,100 --> 00:14:43,070 Okay, I'm going to give you your drawing back, 316 00:14:43,100 --> 00:14:45,430 but you've got to promise me you're going to keep this "daddy" thing 317 00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:48,767 -going for a little bit longer. Deal? -Deal. 318 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:51,770 What is Meat Loaf Junior doing in my club? 319 00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:54,100 It's okay, Dad. Everything's under control. 320 00:14:54,133 --> 00:14:57,133 Hello, Mr Pearson. You're looking lovely today as ever. 321 00:14:57,167 --> 00:14:58,897 She's too good for you, do you hear me? 322 00:14:58,933 --> 00:15:00,933 -Please, not in front of my boy. -Dad! Let him go. 323 00:15:00,967 --> 00:15:05,167 You hurt my little girl and I will cut your dick off with a spoon. 324 00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,800 -Do you understand? -Yes, I, I do. 325 00:15:07,833 --> 00:15:11,073 Dick. Spoon. 326 00:15:16,267 --> 00:15:18,867 -You okay? -Yep. Thank you. 327 00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:20,070 Well, then... 328 00:15:20,067 --> 00:15:23,297 I think he's, uh, starting to like me. 329 00:15:26,067 --> 00:15:28,827 GWEN: I don't understand. I've been to your flat loads of times. 330 00:15:28,867 --> 00:15:29,967 Where have you been hiding him? 331 00:15:30,067 --> 00:15:31,467 Well, every time that you'd come over 332 00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:33,070 I'd send him off to my sister's place. 333 00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:35,400 Seemed like the responsible thing to do. 334 00:15:35,433 --> 00:15:36,933 Why didn't you just tell me? 335 00:15:36,967 --> 00:15:38,567 Who wants to go out with a single dad? 336 00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:41,270 All that responsibility. Cooking him meals, 337 00:15:41,300 --> 00:15:42,800 taking him to football practice 338 00:15:42,833 --> 00:15:45,673 and helping him with his homework, and... 339 00:15:45,700 --> 00:15:47,170 Looking for monsters under his bed. 340 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:48,830 It just seems like so much... 341 00:15:48,867 --> 00:15:50,497 -Responsibility? -Responsibility, yeah. 342 00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:54,273 -What happened to his mum? -She died in childbirth. 343 00:15:54,300 --> 00:15:57,070 -Shit. -Yep, his head was too big. 344 00:15:57,067 --> 00:15:58,927 Ripped her apart like wet paper. 345 00:15:58,967 --> 00:16:01,597 I had to stay strong for him, though. Didn't I, little guy? 346 00:16:01,633 --> 00:16:02,633 This explains so much. 347 00:16:02,667 --> 00:16:04,197 I always thought there was something weird, 348 00:16:04,233 --> 00:16:06,273 like you had half a personality or something, 349 00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:09,300 but I know now. You were hiding this huge thing. 350 00:16:09,333 --> 00:16:10,633 You thought I had half a personality? 351 00:16:10,667 --> 00:16:13,267 You must be bored listening to us adults talk. 352 00:16:13,300 --> 00:16:15,570 Do you want to go in the office and watch some cartoons? 353 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,070 You'd love that, wouldn't you, Romeo? 354 00:16:17,067 --> 00:16:18,767 No, I hate cartoons. They give me a headache. 355 00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:21,270 He's kidding. We watch South Park together all the time. 356 00:16:21,300 --> 00:16:23,500 Isn't he a bit young for that? 357 00:16:23,533 --> 00:16:26,433 -That's right. We watch it on mute. -I want more ice cream. 358 00:16:26,467 --> 00:16:28,367 Why don't you finish what you've got there, champ? 359 00:16:31,067 --> 00:16:34,527 (WHISPERING) Get me another scoop or I'll spill the beans, 360 00:16:34,567 --> 00:16:35,627 Dad. 361 00:16:35,667 --> 00:16:37,497 You two are so cute together. 362 00:16:37,967 --> 00:16:39,627 (MOBILE RINGS) 363 00:16:39,667 --> 00:16:41,067 I've got to take this. 364 00:16:43,633 --> 00:16:44,873 Yes, what is it? 365 00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:45,970 Where are you? 366 00:16:46,067 --> 00:16:49,067 Um, I am stuck in traffic right now. 367 00:16:49,100 --> 00:16:51,730 Um, it looks like there's been an accident. 368 00:16:51,767 --> 00:16:53,367 I'm probably going to be at least another hour. 369 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,670 Shit! You're joking. Andy, you have to be home by 6:00. 370 00:16:55,700 --> 00:16:58,070 -Roly's Dad is calling. -Just tell him to call back later. 371 00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:00,170 If Roly misses his dad, it'll break his routine. 372 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,270 Have you ever seen a 12-year-old have an OCD meltdown? 373 00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:03,700 'Cause it's not pretty, Andy. 374 00:17:04,867 --> 00:17:07,127 -Andy? -Fine, I'll get him back on time. 375 00:17:07,167 --> 00:17:08,327 Thank you. 376 00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:12,170 Who was that? 377 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:16,470 Just some mum trying to organise a play date. 378 00:17:16,500 --> 00:17:17,530 Mums, eh? 379 00:17:17,567 --> 00:17:20,827 Oh, is that the time? I better be going. 380 00:17:20,867 --> 00:17:24,097 You know, listening to you talk about being a dad... 381 00:17:24,133 --> 00:17:27,203 -It's actually pretty hot. -Yeah, I'd better go. 382 00:17:27,233 --> 00:17:28,833 -Wait, what? -Yeah. 383 00:17:28,867 --> 00:17:30,367 Tell me about it. 384 00:17:33,967 --> 00:17:35,797 Well, 385 00:17:35,833 --> 00:17:38,573 he's the greatest thing that ever happened to me. 386 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,970 Does he make you want to be a better man? 387 00:17:41,067 --> 00:17:44,327 Yes, he does. He makes me want to be Prime Minister. 388 00:17:44,367 --> 00:17:48,127 Or, at the very least, the Mayor of London. 389 00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:52,097 You've had to sacrifice a lot for him, haven't you? 390 00:17:52,133 --> 00:17:56,073 So, so much. But it's all worth it. 391 00:17:57,067 --> 00:17:58,597 You know why? 392 00:17:58,633 --> 00:17:59,873 Tell me. 393 00:17:59,900 --> 00:18:02,730 'Cause no matter what I do with the rest of my life, 394 00:18:03,433 --> 00:18:07,333 he is my greatest achievement. 395 00:18:11,633 --> 00:18:13,573 How's the ice cream? 396 00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:14,770 It's okay. 397 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:16,570 I prefer soy ice cream, though. 398 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:18,470 It's funny, you don't look like your dad. 399 00:18:18,500 --> 00:18:21,070 That's because the ugly gene is recessive. 400 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,870 I think we're going to get on. 401 00:18:22,900 --> 00:18:25,470 -Why do you dress like that? -This is how I feel comfortable. 402 00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:27,300 Don't you feel comfortable in what you're wearing? 403 00:18:27,333 --> 00:18:29,333 No, this school uniform gives me a rash, 404 00:18:29,367 --> 00:18:31,367 but I know what you mean, though. 405 00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:34,400 I have this pair of pyjamas that I like so much, I had my mum buy seven pairs of them, 406 00:18:34,433 --> 00:18:35,633 one for every day of the week. 407 00:18:36,633 --> 00:18:37,703 Uh, I mean my dead mum. 408 00:18:37,733 --> 00:18:38,903 How did your parents meet? 409 00:18:38,933 --> 00:18:41,233 Their pharmacist introduced them. 410 00:18:41,967 --> 00:18:43,067 His name was Eclypse. 411 00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:44,730 -Are you married? -No. 412 00:18:44,767 --> 00:18:45,897 -I used to be. -To Gwen's mum? 413 00:18:45,933 --> 00:18:47,773 -Mmm-hmm. -Did she divorce you 414 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,670 because you dress like a lady? 415 00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:52,470 -You ask a lot of questions. -You skip a lot of questions. 416 00:18:52,500 --> 00:18:54,500 You ready to go, then, kiddo? I'm in a bit of a hurry. 417 00:18:54,533 --> 00:18:57,073 -Where've you two been? -Just went outside for a smoke. 418 00:18:57,067 --> 00:18:58,967 I love smoking. 419 00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:00,227 Your fly's undone. 420 00:19:06,567 --> 00:19:07,727 Can I have a word? 421 00:19:13,067 --> 00:19:15,627 It's not what you think. My flies are always coming undone 422 00:19:15,667 --> 00:19:17,497 and I just think it's a manufacturing problem... 423 00:19:17,533 --> 00:19:18,773 Shut up. 424 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:20,070 Okay. 425 00:19:20,067 --> 00:19:21,327 I know we've had our differences 426 00:19:21,367 --> 00:19:24,927 but I also know how hard it is being a single dad. 427 00:19:24,967 --> 00:19:27,067 And I have to respect you 428 00:19:27,067 --> 00:19:29,497 for the job you've done on your little kid. 429 00:19:29,533 --> 00:19:31,503 He's a good boy. 430 00:19:31,533 --> 00:19:34,333 Maybe you're not the useless prick I thought you were. 431 00:19:35,967 --> 00:19:37,327 -Thank you. -Hmm. 432 00:19:37,367 --> 00:19:42,427 But you still hurt my little girl and I will rip your... 433 00:19:42,467 --> 00:19:45,397 -Yeah, dick, spoon, yeah, I got you. -All right. 434 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:50,530 -We have to go. -Do you really? 435 00:19:50,567 --> 00:19:52,227 We were having such a nice time. 436 00:19:52,267 --> 00:19:54,267 Yeah, I know, but I've got to get this one to a piano lesson. 437 00:19:54,300 --> 00:19:55,730 Haven't I, Maestro? 438 00:19:55,767 --> 00:19:57,067 Don't touch me. 439 00:19:57,067 --> 00:19:59,467 Boundary issues. When can I see you again? 440 00:19:59,500 --> 00:20:00,930 Well, that depends. 441 00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:02,897 How committed are you to changing? 442 00:20:02,933 --> 00:20:05,033 I'll show you how committed I am. 443 00:20:05,667 --> 00:20:07,097 Gwen, 444 00:20:07,900 --> 00:20:09,130 marry me. 445 00:20:10,967 --> 00:20:12,397 I'm not his son! 446 00:20:12,433 --> 00:20:13,703 -Look, he paid me to say that I was. -Don't listen to him! 447 00:20:13,733 --> 00:20:15,233 And my name's not Romeo, it's Errol! 448 00:20:15,267 --> 00:20:17,167 What sort of a stupid name is Errol? 449 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,430 He's just angry his mum couldn't come along and pick him up after school. 450 00:20:19,467 --> 00:20:22,297 -You told me his mum was dead? -She is. 451 00:20:22,333 --> 00:20:23,773 That's part of the problem. 452 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:26,200 (YELLING) Dad! 453 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,670 * Gwen 454 00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:36,870 * Do you remember when 455 00:20:36,900 --> 00:20:39,870 * We were more than friends 456 00:20:39,900 --> 00:20:42,770 * Do you remember when 457 00:20:44,500 --> 00:20:46,100 * Every time that you'd get cold 458 00:20:46,133 --> 00:20:47,803 * I'd put my coat around your shoulder 459 00:20:47,833 --> 00:20:49,203 * I'd pick you flowers in a bunch 460 00:20:49,233 --> 00:20:50,973 * And buy you tampons every month 461 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,470 * I rubbed your shoulders when they hurt 462 00:20:52,500 --> 00:20:54,070 * I helped you finish your dessert 463 00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:55,630 * I flushed that spider down the bath 464 00:20:55,667 --> 00:20:57,327 * I punched my dick to make you laugh 465 00:20:57,367 --> 00:20:59,067 * I'd compliment you on your dress 466 00:20:59,100 --> 00:21:00,700 * I'd shut your mouth when you got stressed 467 00:21:00,733 --> 00:21:02,273 * I'd buy you drinks and get you drunk 468 00:21:02,300 --> 00:21:04,070 * I'd even clean up my own mess 469 00:21:04,067 --> 00:21:06,067 * Gwen 470 00:21:06,067 --> 00:21:07,667 * Do you remember when 471 00:21:09,267 --> 00:21:11,127 * I was your best boyfriend 472 00:21:12,367 --> 00:21:14,567 * Oh, take me back again 473 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:15,670 * Oh, Gwen 474 00:21:15,700 --> 00:21:17,100 * Oh, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen 475 00:21:17,133 --> 00:21:18,573 * I took you on the Ferris wheel 476 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:20,100 * I let you pay for half the meal 477 00:21:20,133 --> 00:21:21,873 * When you were looking very hard 478 00:21:21,900 --> 00:21:23,330 * I helped you find your credit card 479 00:21:23,367 --> 00:21:25,167 * I fixed your teapot that I broke 480 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:26,900 * I tried to listen when you spoke 481 00:21:26,933 --> 00:21:28,403 * I said that I was in the wrong 482 00:21:28,433 --> 00:21:30,373 * And then I wrote this fucking song 483 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:32,170 * Gwen 484 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:34,770 * I think I got the bends 485 00:21:35,867 --> 00:21:38,967 * Have there been other men 486 00:21:39,067 --> 00:21:41,667 * Do you remember when 487 00:21:41,700 --> 00:21:43,370 * Oh, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen 488 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,570 * Gwen 489 00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:48,770 * It doesn't have to end 490 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,930 * It's something we can mend 491 00:21:51,967 --> 00:21:54,367 * Do you remember when 492 00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:57,370 * Oh, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen * 493 00:22:01,933 --> 00:22:03,073 Can you take me home now? 494 00:22:03,067 --> 00:22:05,167 -Make your own way home. -Hey! 495 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:07,470 You can't just leave me! 496 00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:09,300 Do you know what you've just done? 497 00:22:09,333 --> 00:22:12,073 You've just ruined my last chance at happiness. 498 00:22:12,067 --> 00:22:13,167 But you lied to her. 499 00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:14,330 (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "But you lied to her." 500 00:22:14,367 --> 00:22:16,697 So what? Everyone lies. All the time. You lied. 501 00:22:16,733 --> 00:22:18,703 You lied about your leg, you lied about the drawing. 502 00:22:18,733 --> 00:22:20,373 Do you want to know what the truth is? 503 00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:22,230 The truth is no one's got any time for you. 504 00:22:22,267 --> 00:22:25,267 Not your mum, not your dad and especially not me. 505 00:22:25,300 --> 00:22:28,070 Why should I go out of my way to keep the Little Prince happy? 506 00:22:28,067 --> 00:22:29,167 You'll never be happy. 507 00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:30,400 Do you know why? Because it's all about yourself. 508 00:22:30,433 --> 00:22:31,773 It's all, "Me, me, me, me." 509 00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:38,200 Shit. Roly! 510 00:22:45,733 --> 00:22:48,433 (HORN BLARING) 511 00:23:00,567 --> 00:23:02,527 Here they are! My two travellers, home at last... 512 00:23:02,567 --> 00:23:04,627 Oh, shit! What happened to your face? 513 00:23:04,667 --> 00:23:06,227 Nothing. I just... 514 00:23:07,067 --> 00:23:09,197 Ran into a goal post. 515 00:23:09,233 --> 00:23:10,803 Well, come in. Let me get you some ice. 516 00:23:13,067 --> 00:23:14,627 So, did you two have a good time? 517 00:23:15,700 --> 00:23:16,770 Look, Sam, 518 00:23:17,767 --> 00:23:19,697 before you hear it from Errol, 519 00:23:19,733 --> 00:23:22,373 you should probably hear it from me first. Um... 520 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:23,970 We had the best time ever! 521 00:23:24,067 --> 00:23:25,797 Uncle Andy even took me for ice cream. 522 00:23:25,833 --> 00:23:27,973 Did he? That was nice of him. 523 00:23:28,067 --> 00:23:29,127 (PHONE RINGS) 524 00:23:29,167 --> 00:23:30,767 Oh, quick. That'll be your dad. Get it. 525 00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:34,500 -You'll never guess what. -What? You're pregnant again? 526 00:23:34,533 --> 00:23:37,703 Fuck off. No, I've got this amazing professor. 527 00:23:37,733 --> 00:23:40,733 He gave me an A in my compulsive behaviours essay. 528 00:23:40,767 --> 00:23:42,067 He said it was incandescent. 529 00:23:42,067 --> 00:23:44,167 Congratulations. He definitely wants to bang you. 530 00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:46,900 Oh, God, I hope so, he's really, really fit. 531 00:23:46,933 --> 00:23:49,103 Anyway, enough about me, what did you two talk about? 532 00:23:49,133 --> 00:23:51,603 Oh, nothing. Women, football. 533 00:23:51,633 --> 00:23:53,203 Uncle-nephew type stuff. 534 00:24:01,300 --> 00:24:03,570 You know, you really saved my life today. 535 00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:05,100 Well, you'd do the same for me, wouldn't you? 536 00:24:07,833 --> 00:24:09,433 So, now uni's started again, 537 00:24:09,467 --> 00:24:11,627 do you think you could help out with Roly once in a while? 538 00:24:11,667 --> 00:24:14,397 -Yeah, if I'm still around. -Still around? Where are you going? 539 00:24:14,433 --> 00:24:17,233 Nowhere. It's just a figure of speech, isn't it? 540 00:24:17,267 --> 00:24:18,467 Look, I'm going to give that back to you 541 00:24:18,500 --> 00:24:20,400 'cause I don't really know what I'm doing with it, 542 00:24:20,433 --> 00:24:22,633 and it's not really doing anything for me 543 00:24:22,667 --> 00:24:24,327 and I'm going to go. 544 00:24:24,367 --> 00:24:25,297 Got a hot date? 545 00:24:25,333 --> 00:24:26,673 Yeah, something like that. 546 00:24:26,700 --> 00:24:28,200 Ooh! 547 00:24:29,067 --> 00:24:30,327 Thank you. 548 00:24:30,367 --> 00:24:31,427 Yep. See you. 549 00:24:33,567 --> 00:24:34,597 ERROL: Andrew. 550 00:24:36,700 --> 00:24:38,770 I prefer Andy, but what is it? 551 00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:40,700 No. That's my middle name. 552 00:24:41,433 --> 00:24:43,073 Andrew. 553 00:24:43,067 --> 00:24:44,527 I was named after my uncle. 554 00:24:46,633 --> 00:24:47,733 Oh. 555 00:24:47,767 --> 00:24:49,297 Do you think you can remember that? 556 00:24:49,933 --> 00:24:53,073 Yeah, I'll give it a go. 557 00:24:53,067 --> 00:24:54,667 You still have my drawing, by the way. 558 00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:57,600 No, um... 559 00:24:57,633 --> 00:24:59,573 I gave that back to you in the club, remember? 560 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:01,270 No, you didn't. 561 00:25:01,300 --> 00:25:02,570 You gave me this. 562 00:25:11,500 --> 00:25:13,300 Then this must be yours, 563 00:25:13,333 --> 00:25:15,603 -you little pervert. -Thank you. 564 00:25:18,500 --> 00:25:21,600 -Were you really going to... -No. No. 565 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:24,070 No, I was just messing around. 566 00:25:26,167 --> 00:25:28,567 -You'll find someone else, you know. -Yeah? 567 00:25:31,667 --> 00:25:33,197 Is your teacher available? 568 00:25:34,233 --> 00:25:35,973 I'm kidding, I'm kidding. 569 00:25:36,067 --> 00:25:37,897 Thank you for picking me up. 570 00:25:37,933 --> 00:25:39,603 -You're very welcome. -Here. 571 00:25:39,633 --> 00:25:40,973 That's all right. 572 00:25:41,067 --> 00:25:42,397 That's yours, you can keep that. You've earned it. 573 00:25:42,433 --> 00:25:45,203 I know, but if you're going to pick me up again, 574 00:25:45,233 --> 00:25:47,803 you're going to need to pay for someone to clean up your car. 575 00:25:54,433 --> 00:25:56,273 You're not going to get your car cleaned, are you? 576 00:25:56,300 --> 00:25:57,300 No. 577 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:01,570 Mind the cracks. 43447

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