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English (HI) Subtitles.
[MP4] Two and a Half Men S12E08 (720p) Clockwise in Back Hole Until Tight - HDTV [KoTuWa]
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♪ Men. ♪
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00:00:03,407 --> 00:00:04,640
Okay.
4
00:00:04,642 --> 00:00:05,974
Hold up your gifts.
5
00:00:05,976 --> 00:00:07,876
Everybody has to see the gold
and frankincense and myrrh
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00:00:07,878 --> 00:00:09,511
so they know
we're the three wise men.
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00:00:09,513 --> 00:00:12,080
It's 88 degrees out.
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00:00:12,082 --> 00:00:13,482
I don't have any myrrh.
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00:00:13,484 --> 00:00:16,885
Unless it's the biblical term
for “swamp ass.”
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00:00:16,887 --> 00:00:18,420
We want this
to be mantel-worthy.
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00:00:18,422 --> 00:00:20,923
We want people to say, you know,
“Look at those costumes,
12
00:00:20,925 --> 00:00:22,991
“look at that view,
look at Cher's house
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00:00:22,993 --> 00:00:25,527
perfectly positioned
over Alan's right shoulder.”
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00:00:25,529 --> 00:00:28,130
Oh, it's got to be
better than last year.
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00:00:28,132 --> 00:00:31,133
Me as Joseph,
Berta as the Virgin Mary
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00:00:31,135 --> 00:00:33,435
looking down at you in a diaper.
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00:00:33,437 --> 00:00:35,470
People loved that.
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00:00:35,472 --> 00:00:37,372
Okay, here we go.
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00:00:37,374 --> 00:00:38,540
(camera beeps)
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00:00:38,542 --> 00:00:40,842
Now everybody say...
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00:00:40,844 --> 00:00:42,811
Sweet baby Jesus!
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00:00:42,813 --> 00:00:44,947
Sweet baby Jesus!
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Sorry about that.
24
00:00:46,417 --> 00:00:47,683
Oh, that's so cute.
25
00:00:47,685 --> 00:00:49,785
You guys are dressed
as Duck Dynasty.
26
00:00:51,155 --> 00:00:53,555
No. We're the three kings
of Bethlehem.
27
00:00:53,557 --> 00:00:55,157
Oh, right.
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00:00:55,159 --> 00:00:56,992
I don't get HBO.
29
00:00:56,994 --> 00:00:59,461
Guys, look at him.
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00:00:59,463 --> 00:01:04,232
Isn't he the cutest
in his little robe and beard?
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00:01:04,234 --> 00:01:06,001
You want my gold?
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00:01:06,003 --> 00:01:08,003
WOMEN:
Oh!
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00:01:08,005 --> 00:01:11,239
First cute girl he meets, he's
already giving away his money.
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00:01:12,743 --> 00:01:15,544
You know, I think I have a
better idea for a holiday card.
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00:01:15,546 --> 00:01:16,845
(camera clicks)
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00:01:16,847 --> 00:01:18,814
(to “Jingle Bells”):
♪ Men-men-men, men-men-men ♪
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00:01:18,816 --> 00:01:21,049
♪ Men-men-men, men-men. ♪
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00:01:21,051 --> 00:01:22,417
(bells jingling)
♪ Men, men, men, men ♪
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00:01:22,419 --> 00:01:23,618
♪ Manly men, men, men ♪
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00:01:23,620 --> 00:01:25,197
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
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00:01:25,198 --> 00:01:29,198
♪ Two and a Half Men 12x08 ♪
Clockwise in Back Hole Until Tight
Original Air Date: 2014-12-18
.
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00:01:29,199 --> 00:01:32,199
Sync, corrected by elderman
@elder_man
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00:01:32,201 --> 00:01:33,767
♪ Men. ♪
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00:01:33,769 --> 00:01:35,502
I found
the fake snow!
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00:01:35,504 --> 00:01:37,171
Oh.
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00:01:38,207 --> 00:01:39,673
It looks real.
47
00:01:39,675 --> 00:01:41,275
Yeah. I love a white Christmas.
48
00:01:41,277 --> 00:01:42,576
So did Charlie.
49
00:01:42,578 --> 00:01:45,179
He used to put snow
on every mirror in the house.
50
00:01:45,181 --> 00:01:47,214
Okay.
51
00:01:47,216 --> 00:01:49,049
Hey, hey, buddy, why
don't you go inside
52
00:01:49,051 --> 00:01:50,651
and write your letter to Santa?
53
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Santa's not real.
54
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What?
55
00:01:53,189 --> 00:01:55,022
Of course he is.
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00:01:55,024 --> 00:01:57,691
He's never brought me
anything I asked for.
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Hey, I am sure
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00:01:59,295 --> 00:02:01,862
that Santa's gonna come through
for you this year, buddy.
59
00:02:01,864 --> 00:02:04,264
That's what grown-ups
always say.
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00:02:06,135 --> 00:02:07,868
Come inside with me.
61
00:02:07,870 --> 00:02:11,538
I made gingerbread Zippys.
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00:02:11,540 --> 00:02:13,707
I was gonna make
gingerbread houses,
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00:02:13,709 --> 00:02:16,510
but everybody knows
Zippys don't have houses.
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00:02:19,215 --> 00:02:22,149
A six-year-old boy
who doesn't believe in Santa.
65
00:02:22,151 --> 00:02:24,051
How sad is that?
66
00:02:24,053 --> 00:02:27,187
Almost as sad as my
20-year-old boy who does.
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00:02:27,189 --> 00:02:28,755
This sucks.
68
00:02:28,757 --> 00:02:31,391
Just 'cause he grew up
in a group home doesn't mean
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00:02:31,393 --> 00:02:33,427
that he can't enjoy
the magic of Christmas.
70
00:02:33,429 --> 00:02:35,762
I know. It was always
Jake's favorite holiday.
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00:02:35,764 --> 00:02:37,164
Especially the year he turned 13
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00:02:37,166 --> 00:02:39,266
and got his first
Christmas boner.
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00:02:40,402 --> 00:02:43,036
It was the only toy
he played with all day.
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00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:45,572
Hey, you know,
I bet Louis would believe
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00:02:45,574 --> 00:02:47,708
if we got him
exactly what he wanted.
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00:02:47,710 --> 00:02:49,309
I don't know what he wants.
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ROSE:
He wants a bike.
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00:02:50,579 --> 00:02:52,579
God! Rose.
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00:02:52,581 --> 00:02:54,715
What are you
doing here?
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00:02:54,717 --> 00:02:56,283
Wait. How do you know
about Louis?
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00:02:56,285 --> 00:02:59,086
Oh, Walden, you're so adorable.
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00:02:59,088 --> 00:03:01,755
I just wanted to bring by
my homemade Christmas candies.
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00:03:01,757 --> 00:03:03,624
Do you like nuts?
84
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:07,661
Covered in chocolate, yes.
85
00:03:07,663 --> 00:03:09,663
With a sweater and skirt, no.
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00:03:09,665 --> 00:03:11,598
Oh. Okay.
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00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:14,801
On this day, Walden's heart
shrank three sizes.
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00:03:14,803 --> 00:03:16,236
Anyway,
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00:03:16,238 --> 00:03:18,305
I know this time of year
can get busy,
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00:03:18,307 --> 00:03:20,407
so if you need a helping hand,
I'm here.
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00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:23,577
I can wrap presents or babysit
or read a Christmas story.
92
00:03:23,579 --> 00:03:25,279
I'm great at doing voices.
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00:03:25,281 --> 00:03:27,548
Or hearing them.
94
00:03:27,550 --> 00:03:29,116
What do you want, Rose?
95
00:03:29,118 --> 00:03:31,818
My DNA, my fingerprints,
a lock of my hair?
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00:03:31,820 --> 00:03:33,420
No, silly.
97
00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:35,322
I have all that.
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00:03:35,324 --> 00:03:36,790
I want to be your friend again.
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00:03:36,792 --> 00:03:38,492
I don't think
that I'm comfortable
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00:03:38,494 --> 00:03:40,227
with you being around Louis.
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00:03:40,229 --> 00:03:42,095
Or me.
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00:03:42,097 --> 00:03:44,698
If you want to hang out
with Alan, that's fine.
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00:03:45,935 --> 00:03:48,135
I'll pass.
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00:03:49,305 --> 00:03:51,271
♪ Men. ♪
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00:03:51,273 --> 00:03:55,175
Here you go... a little
Christmas cheer for everyone.
106
00:03:55,177 --> 00:03:58,445
Ugh! What is this?
107
00:03:58,447 --> 00:03:59,379
It's eggnog.
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00:03:59,381 --> 00:04:01,114
With no rum!
109
00:04:02,218 --> 00:04:04,885
Eggnog without booze
is as boring and bland
110
00:04:04,887 --> 00:04:07,054
as church without booze.
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00:04:09,091 --> 00:04:12,926
Be a dear and go get some
rum for your grandmother.
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00:04:12,928 --> 00:04:16,163
Evelyn, he's six years old.
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00:04:16,165 --> 00:04:18,765
Oh. Yes, right.
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00:04:18,767 --> 00:04:22,669
The rum is in a bottle
with a pirate on it.
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00:04:22,671 --> 00:04:26,440
Maybe-maybe we can wait
until Louis goes to bed.
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00:04:26,442 --> 00:04:28,242
Of course.
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00:04:28,244 --> 00:04:29,943
So run along to bed, dear.
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00:04:29,945 --> 00:04:31,211
Mom.
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00:04:31,213 --> 00:04:33,580
If you don't go to sleep,
Santa won't come.
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00:04:33,582 --> 00:04:34,648
There is no Santa.
121
00:04:34,650 --> 00:04:36,717
What?! Of course there is.
122
00:04:36,719 --> 00:04:39,319
Santa's as real
as the nose on my face.
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00:04:39,321 --> 00:04:40,554
(clears throat)
124
00:04:40,556 --> 00:04:44,524
Well, he's as real as my...
125
00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:48,662
Trust me, he's real.
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00:04:48,664 --> 00:04:52,699
You know, she's right, and
tonight we're gonna prove it,
127
00:04:52,701 --> 00:04:56,370
because we got
a Santa cam,
128
00:04:56,372 --> 00:05:00,374
so we can catch
the big man in red on video.
129
00:05:00,376 --> 00:05:02,175
Santa Claus!
130
00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:03,543
Old Saint Nick!
131
00:05:03,545 --> 00:05:05,479
(French accent):
Papa Noel.
132
00:05:05,481 --> 00:05:07,547
(Italian accent):
Babbo Natale.
133
00:05:07,549 --> 00:05:09,716
(German accent):
Weihnachtsmann.
134
00:05:10,886 --> 00:05:14,288
Which, of course,
means “Christmas man” in German.
135
00:05:14,290 --> 00:05:16,256
Teachable moment.
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00:05:16,258 --> 00:05:18,358
The-the point is,
in the morning,
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00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,260
when you see
him on video,
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00:05:20,262 --> 00:05:22,195
then you'll believe
he's real, right?
139
00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:23,263
I guess.
140
00:05:23,265 --> 00:05:26,166
I guess?! What?
141
00:05:26,168 --> 00:05:27,401
It's a Christmas miracle!
142
00:05:27,403 --> 00:05:29,436
Did you hear that, Alan?
Did you hear that, Evelyn?
143
00:05:29,438 --> 00:05:30,837
(imitating Jimmy Stewart):
You hear that, Clarence?
144
00:05:30,839 --> 00:05:33,206
Merry Christmas, you wonderful
old building and loan!
145
00:05:33,208 --> 00:05:36,677
Okay, off to bed you go.
146
00:05:36,679 --> 00:05:39,313
And soon, you'll have
visions of sugar plums
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00:05:39,315 --> 00:05:41,248
dancing in your head.
148
00:05:41,250 --> 00:05:43,684
Can I have some pirate rum?
149
00:05:43,686 --> 00:05:45,619
No, we don't want visions
150
00:05:45,621 --> 00:05:48,288
of pink elephants
dancing in our head.
151
00:05:48,290 --> 00:05:52,526
Okay, you go brush your teeth,
and I'll be in in a minute.
152
00:05:52,528 --> 00:05:54,328
When Alan was little
and couldn't sleep,
153
00:05:54,330 --> 00:05:55,862
I used to give him whiskey.
154
00:05:55,864 --> 00:05:58,865
Breast-feeding
doesn't count, Mother.
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00:05:58,867 --> 00:06:01,468
So here's the plan.
156
00:06:01,470 --> 00:06:03,537
Santa's not actually coming.
157
00:06:03,539 --> 00:06:05,272
You don't say.
158
00:06:05,274 --> 00:06:06,673
But how awesome is this?
159
00:06:06,675 --> 00:06:09,843
We got the number two guy from
the Thanksgiving Day Parade.
160
00:06:09,845 --> 00:06:11,411
So, if the giant
161
00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:14,014
Bullwinkle balloon breaks loose
and kills the number one Santa,
162
00:06:14,016 --> 00:06:15,415
this is the guy.
163
00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:16,750
ALAN:
Yeah.
164
00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:18,218
He also appeared as Santa
165
00:06:18,220 --> 00:06:20,721
on an episode of
Walker, Texas Ranger.
166
00:06:22,491 --> 00:06:26,893
He and Chuck Norris fought the
bad guys with Christmas fu.
167
00:06:28,130 --> 00:06:29,996
So, when he gets here,
he's gonna take the presents
168
00:06:29,998 --> 00:06:32,232
that we bought for him, and he's
gonna put them under the tree,
169
00:06:32,234 --> 00:06:33,900
and then we'll get it on video,
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00:06:33,902 --> 00:06:37,604
and then Louis will have the
perfect Charlie Brown Christmas.
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00:06:37,606 --> 00:06:40,140
(to “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”):
♪ Lou, Lou, Lou ♪
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00:06:40,142 --> 00:06:42,209
♪ Lou-Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou ♪
173
00:06:42,211 --> 00:06:43,744
BOTH:
♪ Lou, Lou, Lou ♪
174
00:06:43,746 --> 00:06:45,712
♪ Lou-Lou, Lou, Lou ♪
175
00:06:45,714 --> 00:06:49,516
♪ Lou, Lou, Lou,
Lou-Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou... ♪
176
00:06:49,518 --> 00:06:50,617
I need rum.
177
00:06:50,619 --> 00:06:51,852
♪ Lou, Lou, Lou ♪
178
00:06:51,854 --> 00:06:53,320
♪ Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou... ♪
179
00:06:53,322 --> 00:06:54,921
♪ Men. ♪
180
00:06:54,923 --> 00:06:56,456
Santa's here!
181
00:06:56,458 --> 00:06:59,326
I give you
Kris Kringle.
182
00:07:01,964 --> 00:07:03,130
Are you smoking pot?
183
00:07:03,132 --> 00:07:04,931
Of course not.
184
00:07:06,402 --> 00:07:07,734
Don't worry.
185
00:07:07,736 --> 00:07:09,669
Santa's got a prescription card.
186
00:07:09,671 --> 00:07:11,638
Well, apparently, the presents
187
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,707
have already been
delivered in Colorado.
188
00:07:13,709 --> 00:07:14,941
(clears throat)
189
00:07:14,943 --> 00:07:17,144
Here. Come on in.
190
00:07:19,148 --> 00:07:22,249
I'm Walden.
This is Alan and, uh, Evelyn.
191
00:07:22,251 --> 00:07:24,718
Uh, wh-what do you go by?
Mr. Claus?
192
00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:25,919
(chuckles)
193
00:07:25,921 --> 00:07:28,054
(Italian accent):
Babbo Natale?
194
00:07:29,291 --> 00:07:31,057
(German accent):
Weihnachtsmann?
195
00:07:31,059 --> 00:07:33,260
Actually, it's Frank.
196
00:07:33,262 --> 00:07:35,362
It's not very Christmasy.
197
00:07:35,364 --> 00:07:36,696
Well, if you don't like it,
198
00:07:36,698 --> 00:07:39,833
I can hang some mistletoe
over my ass.
199
00:07:40,769 --> 00:07:43,570
That's my son
you're talking to.
200
00:07:44,373 --> 00:07:45,373
Good one.
201
00:07:46,642 --> 00:07:48,909
I-I... I'm sorry.
We're-we're just really excited.
202
00:07:48,911 --> 00:07:51,178
It's our first Christmas
with our foster son.
203
00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:53,280
Uh, basically,
what we're gonna do is
204
00:07:53,282 --> 00:07:55,515
film you putting the presents
under the tree.
205
00:07:55,517 --> 00:07:57,784
Uh, and then I've written
a little something
206
00:07:57,786 --> 00:07:59,252
for you to say to Louis.
207
00:07:59,254 --> 00:08:00,454
Let me guess.
208
00:08:00,456 --> 00:08:04,157
“Ho, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas, Louis!”
209
00:08:04,159 --> 00:08:05,926
Oh, that's better.
210
00:08:05,928 --> 00:08:06,993
Go with that.
211
00:08:06,995 --> 00:08:08,495
Okay, okay, okay,
and then...
212
00:08:08,497 --> 00:08:10,897
then you'll take a
bite of the cookie,
213
00:08:10,899 --> 00:08:14,100
you'll crunch the carrot,
you'll sip the milk,
214
00:08:14,102 --> 00:08:17,037
wink at the camera, jiggle
your belly and leave.
215
00:08:17,973 --> 00:08:19,873
So it's toys,
bite, crunch,
216
00:08:19,875 --> 00:08:22,008
sip, wink,
jiggle, leave.
217
00:08:23,278 --> 00:08:25,445
Toys, bite, crunch, sip,
wink, jiggle, leave.
218
00:08:26,448 --> 00:08:27,280
Got it?
219
00:08:27,282 --> 00:08:29,583
So you want me to be Santa.
220
00:08:29,585 --> 00:08:33,353
Toys, bite, crunch, sip,
wink, jiggle, leave.
221
00:08:33,355 --> 00:08:36,656
That sounds a lot like an orgy
I had in Palm Springs once.
222
00:08:36,658 --> 00:08:39,659
♪ Men. ♪
223
00:08:39,661 --> 00:08:42,128
All right,
let's get this stuff wrapped
224
00:08:42,130 --> 00:08:45,165
so we can enjoy this holiday
the way I always imagined.
225
00:08:45,167 --> 00:08:49,169
Listening to Michael Bublé's
Christmas album...
226
00:08:49,171 --> 00:08:51,505
with my husband.
227
00:08:51,507 --> 00:08:54,841
Aw, looks like Alan's getting
his first gift early.
228
00:08:54,843 --> 00:08:57,811
Where's the boy's bike?
229
00:08:57,813 --> 00:08:59,946
Oh, right here.
230
00:09:01,583 --> 00:09:03,917
That's not a boy's bike.
That's a box.
231
00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:06,720
The boy's bike's in the box.
232
00:09:06,722 --> 00:09:09,656
Tell me the boy's bike
in the box has been built.
233
00:09:09,658 --> 00:09:12,225
Oh, no, they wanted $75
to assemble it.
234
00:09:13,495 --> 00:09:15,161
That's like ten pairs of pants.
235
00:09:15,163 --> 00:09:17,797
I was paying for it!
236
00:09:17,799 --> 00:09:19,966
Oh, come on.
237
00:09:19,968 --> 00:09:22,135
How hard could it be?
238
00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:26,373
♪ Men. ♪
239
00:09:26,375 --> 00:09:28,108
Uh, sorry, looks like
it's gonna be
240
00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:29,543
a little longer
than we expected.
241
00:09:29,545 --> 00:09:32,178
Uh, any chance you know how
to put together a bike?
242
00:09:32,180 --> 00:09:36,516
Right now, I'm too buzzed
to have a tool in my hand.
243
00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:40,854
I'm just buzzed enough
to have a tool in mine.
244
00:09:42,691 --> 00:09:44,958
Well, ho, ho, ho.
245
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,626
Exactly.
246
00:09:46,628 --> 00:09:48,128
Here.
247
00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:51,565
Let me get us both
a little more eggnog.
248
00:09:51,567 --> 00:09:55,635
Um, Santa, did you drive your
own sleigh over here tonight?
249
00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:58,538
Nope. Santa Ubered.
250
00:10:00,275 --> 00:10:03,343
Oh, well, uh, hope your driver
was named Rudolph.
251
00:10:03,345 --> 00:10:04,945
(laughs)
252
00:10:04,947 --> 00:10:06,746
Um, so what's going on?
253
00:10:06,748 --> 00:10:07,981
Does Santa know you're married?
254
00:10:07,983 --> 00:10:11,885
Does the IRS know
you don't have five children?
255
00:10:13,689 --> 00:10:16,122
Marty and I have
an open marriage.
256
00:10:16,124 --> 00:10:17,657
And since he's 93,
257
00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:21,127
my end opens a little more
frequently than his.
258
00:10:21,129 --> 00:10:23,296
As does your mouth.
259
00:10:23,298 --> 00:10:27,534
That's one of the ends
I was talking about.
260
00:10:29,538 --> 00:10:31,237
Here you go.
261
00:10:31,239 --> 00:10:34,975
You're running low on eggnog,
so this one is all rum.
262
00:10:34,977 --> 00:10:37,077
(laughs)
Thank you.
263
00:10:37,079 --> 00:10:39,079
You know, this is a situation
264
00:10:39,081 --> 00:10:41,481
where Santa doesn't
need a little helper.
265
00:10:43,018 --> 00:10:45,652
So on, Prancer.
266
00:10:45,654 --> 00:10:47,354
Fine.
267
00:10:47,356 --> 00:10:48,822
But just know this:
268
00:10:48,824 --> 00:10:52,258
I am not afraid to give Santa
a negative review on Yelp.
269
00:10:53,261 --> 00:10:55,362
♪ Men. ♪
270
00:10:55,364 --> 00:10:58,331
Okay, I can't make heads
or tails of these instructions.
271
00:10:58,333 --> 00:10:59,733
They're barely in English.
272
00:10:59,735 --> 00:11:02,202
Uh, “The bolts of turning
273
00:11:02,204 --> 00:11:05,939
“shall revolve clockwords
274
00:11:05,941 --> 00:11:09,709
as in above figure below.”
275
00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:13,413
Does it say anything about
roommate of cheapness shall have
276
00:11:13,415 --> 00:11:16,583
foot inserted
in back hole till tight?
277
00:11:16,585 --> 00:11:18,018
Oh.
278
00:11:18,020 --> 00:11:19,919
I guess on the first day
of Christmas,
279
00:11:19,921 --> 00:11:21,688
my true love threatened me.
280
00:11:21,690 --> 00:11:23,423
I'm sorry, but it's Louis's
281
00:11:23,425 --> 00:11:24,958
first Christmas
not in the group home,
282
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,760
and I want it to be perfect.
283
00:11:26,762 --> 00:11:28,662
No Christmas is ever perfect.
284
00:11:28,664 --> 00:11:29,896
There's always gonna be a toy
285
00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:31,931
that's broken
or the wrong kind of batteries.
286
00:11:31,933 --> 00:11:33,633
I mean, even on
the very first Christmas,
287
00:11:33,635 --> 00:11:36,970
Mary and Joseph woke up
to the smell of donkey crap.
288
00:11:36,972 --> 00:11:39,339
I know. I just...
289
00:11:39,341 --> 00:11:41,307
I want him to believe in Santa,
290
00:11:41,309 --> 00:11:42,909
and-and get this bike
291
00:11:42,911 --> 00:11:46,146
and-and wake up to a
winter wonderland.
292
00:11:46,148 --> 00:11:48,748
Not that I ordered
a truckload of snow.
293
00:11:49,885 --> 00:11:51,951
I didn't get reindeer!
294
00:11:51,953 --> 00:11:54,421
Well, they're endangered.
295
00:11:54,423 --> 00:11:57,290
We could still make
Christmas special for Louis.
296
00:11:57,292 --> 00:11:59,492
We just got to finish this bike.
We can do this.
297
00:11:59,494 --> 00:12:02,462
You're right. We got
an M.I.T. engineer and a...
298
00:12:02,464 --> 00:12:04,864
formerly board-certified
chiropractor.
299
00:12:04,866 --> 00:12:06,800
Yeah, now we're talking.
300
00:12:06,802 --> 00:12:08,301
I mean, this can't
be more difficult
301
00:12:08,303 --> 00:12:10,070
than realigning someone's spine.
(scoffs)
302
00:12:10,072 --> 00:12:12,205
Here.
(chuckles) You know, you got, uh...
303
00:12:12,207 --> 00:12:15,241
you got your, uh, your L2,
uh, connected to your L3.
304
00:12:15,243 --> 00:12:17,343
(chuckles)
And all we have to do is
305
00:12:17,345 --> 00:12:20,547
put the right pressure
on the right spot and...
306
00:12:23,885 --> 00:12:26,319
Uh, and that is why I am
307
00:12:26,321 --> 00:12:30,256
a formerly board-certified
chiropractor.
308
00:12:30,258 --> 00:12:31,691
♪ Men. ♪
309
00:12:31,693 --> 00:12:34,427
(bells jingling rhythmically)
310
00:12:34,429 --> 00:12:37,363
EVELYN (moaning):
Oh, Santa.
311
00:12:37,365 --> 00:12:39,899
(bells jingling faster)
312
00:12:39,901 --> 00:12:42,068
Oh, Santa!
313
00:12:43,705 --> 00:12:45,572
Oh, no.
314
00:12:45,574 --> 00:12:46,806
(bells jingling rapidly)
315
00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:49,843
SANTA:
Here comes Santa Claus!
316
00:12:49,845 --> 00:12:53,613
Here comes
Santa Claus!
317
00:12:53,615 --> 00:12:56,082
♪ Men. ♪
318
00:13:02,513 --> 00:13:04,713
♪ Men. ♪
319
00:13:04,715 --> 00:13:06,115
Oh, my God.
320
00:13:06,117 --> 00:13:07,282
What happened?
321
00:13:07,284 --> 00:13:09,318
I saw Mommy banging Santa Claus.
322
00:13:10,921 --> 00:13:14,323
What?
It's 1972 all over again.
323
00:13:15,459 --> 00:13:17,426
We have a problem.
324
00:13:17,428 --> 00:13:19,128
Yes, you have a problem.
325
00:13:19,130 --> 00:13:22,231
You are the Christmas whore!
326
00:13:22,233 --> 00:13:25,868
Be that as it may, I think
I killed Santa Claus.
327
00:13:25,870 --> 00:13:28,404
Oh, God!
328
00:13:28,406 --> 00:13:30,606
It's exactly like 1972!
329
00:13:32,109 --> 00:13:34,076
♪ Men. ♪
330
00:13:34,078 --> 00:13:35,411
Is he gonna be okay?
331
00:13:35,413 --> 00:13:37,012
Yeah, It was just
atrial fibrillation.
332
00:13:37,014 --> 00:13:39,148
He just needs some medication
and a few days rest.
333
00:13:39,150 --> 00:13:42,584
You hear that, sweetheart?
I'll be fine by New Year's.
334
00:13:42,586 --> 00:13:45,387
I'll be counting down
till the balls drop.
335
00:13:48,292 --> 00:13:50,492
Well, thank God Louis
didn't see any of this.
336
00:13:50,494 --> 00:13:52,027
He would've been
traumatized.
337
00:13:52,029 --> 00:13:54,363
Louis? What about me?
338
00:13:54,365 --> 00:13:57,366
The man almost died
while he was having sex with me.
339
00:13:58,235 --> 00:14:00,502
That's not easy to get over.
340
00:14:00,504 --> 00:14:03,739
No matter how many times
it happens.
341
00:14:04,708 --> 00:14:07,009
Okay, well, all right,
well, there you have it.
342
00:14:07,011 --> 00:14:08,877
Merry Christmas, Louis.
343
00:14:08,879 --> 00:14:12,648
Your grandmother banged Santa
within an inch of his life.
344
00:14:12,650 --> 00:14:15,417
Here's half a bike!
345
00:14:15,419 --> 00:14:16,585
W-We can salvage this.
346
00:14:16,587 --> 00:14:18,754
There's still enough time
to-to finish the bike,
347
00:14:18,756 --> 00:14:20,956
wrap the other gifts
and get them under the tree.
348
00:14:20,958 --> 00:14:22,925
Okay, you're right.
349
00:14:22,927 --> 00:14:25,961
Louis will be asleep
for six more hours.
350
00:14:25,963 --> 00:14:27,663
LOUIS:
Walden?
351
00:14:27,665 --> 00:14:29,898
Oh, come on!
352
00:14:29,900 --> 00:14:32,301
I heard a noise. Did Santa come?
353
00:14:32,303 --> 00:14:33,969
Sadly, no.
354
00:14:35,539 --> 00:14:38,340
♪ Men. ♪
355
00:14:38,342 --> 00:14:40,375
All right.
356
00:14:40,377 --> 00:14:41,743
Where's Evelyn?
357
00:14:41,745 --> 00:14:44,012
Oh, well, uh...
358
00:14:44,014 --> 00:14:47,082
she went to her house
to play with...
359
00:14:47,084 --> 00:14:48,350
her toys.
360
00:14:48,352 --> 00:14:50,285
All right, time for bed, bud.
361
00:14:50,287 --> 00:14:52,454
That's right. Santa's on his way.
All right.
362
00:14:52,456 --> 00:14:53,889
If Santa is real,
363
00:14:53,891 --> 00:14:56,692
then how does he get in all
the kids' houses in one night?
364
00:14:56,694 --> 00:15:00,062
Well, he's got
Christmas magic.
365
00:15:00,064 --> 00:15:02,531
And how does he know
where everybody lives?
366
00:15:02,533 --> 00:15:06,568
Well... that's the magic
of Google Maps.
367
00:15:06,570 --> 00:15:08,237
All right.
368
00:15:08,239 --> 00:15:10,806
Good night, buddy.
Time to go to sleep.
369
00:15:10,808 --> 00:15:13,442
Can you guys stay with me
till I fall asleep?
370
00:15:14,645 --> 00:15:16,712
Sure.
Yeah.
371
00:15:16,714 --> 00:15:20,682
It's not like we need to help
Santa assemble toys.
372
00:15:21,752 --> 00:15:25,087
He pays his elves
$75 to do that.
373
00:15:26,891 --> 00:15:28,824
That's Timothy's spot.
374
00:15:28,826 --> 00:15:30,425
Oh, oh, okay.
375
00:15:30,427 --> 00:15:31,493
Um...
376
00:15:31,495 --> 00:15:33,662
I guess, uh...
377
00:15:44,141 --> 00:15:45,908
Good boy.
378
00:15:47,611 --> 00:15:49,912
♪ Men. ♪
379
00:15:53,717 --> 00:15:55,150
Alan?
380
00:15:55,152 --> 00:15:56,618
Mm-hmm?
381
00:15:58,055 --> 00:15:59,721
Oh, oh, my God!
382
00:15:59,723 --> 00:16:01,189
Oh, don't flatter yourself.
383
00:16:01,191 --> 00:16:03,625
I get one every morning.
384
00:16:03,627 --> 00:16:05,093
Where's Louis?
385
00:16:05,095 --> 00:16:06,194
Hmm?
386
00:16:06,196 --> 00:16:07,629
It's 7:00.
We fell asleep.
387
00:16:07,631 --> 00:16:09,364
Oh, crap. Th-The bike.
388
00:16:09,366 --> 00:16:11,066
The presents.
What are we gonna do?
389
00:16:11,068 --> 00:16:14,169
Well, is it too late to
tell him we're Jewish?
390
00:16:15,806 --> 00:16:17,839
What the...
391
00:16:17,841 --> 00:16:20,142
Santa came! He is real!
392
00:16:20,144 --> 00:16:21,510
Did you...?
393
00:16:21,512 --> 00:16:22,778
No.
394
00:16:22,780 --> 00:16:24,713
He's on the video.
395
00:16:26,216 --> 00:16:31,520
You didn't see Grandma Evelyn
wrestling with Santa, did you?
396
00:16:31,522 --> 00:16:34,056
No, just Santa.
397
00:16:34,058 --> 00:16:36,158
ALAN:
That's...
398
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:38,627
Santa.
399
00:16:38,629 --> 00:16:39,962
Oh, my God.
400
00:16:39,964 --> 00:16:42,197
If the Easy Bake Oven
I have always wanted
401
00:16:42,199 --> 00:16:45,434
is under that tree,
it is gonna blow my mind.
402
00:16:45,436 --> 00:16:47,436
Can I go outside
and ride my bike?
403
00:16:47,438 --> 00:16:49,471
Sure.
404
00:16:49,473 --> 00:16:51,073
Alan, do you
want to...?
405
00:16:51,075 --> 00:16:52,374
Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
406
00:16:52,376 --> 00:16:54,710
Uh, let's go, buddy.
(chuckles)
407
00:16:54,712 --> 00:16:56,712
Looks like we had
a great Christmas
408
00:16:56,714 --> 00:16:58,880
and saved $75.
409
00:17:14,665 --> 00:17:17,132
Rose?
410
00:17:17,134 --> 00:17:19,501
All right, come on, Rose,
I know you're down there.
411
00:17:19,503 --> 00:17:20,702
Actually, I'm
behind you.
412
00:17:20,704 --> 00:17:22,137
Ah, son of a...!
413
00:17:22,139 --> 00:17:24,740
How do you do that?
414
00:17:24,742 --> 00:17:26,408
Why do you do that?!
415
00:17:26,410 --> 00:17:29,144
Oh, a girl's got to have
a little fun.
416
00:17:29,146 --> 00:17:30,946
Merry Christmas.
417
00:17:30,948 --> 00:17:34,016
I-I cannot believe that you
went to all that trouble for us.
418
00:17:34,018 --> 00:17:37,352
You mean you can't believe
Santa went to all that trouble.
419
00:17:37,354 --> 00:17:39,521
Okay, then I guess
420
00:17:39,523 --> 00:17:42,491
I need to say
thank you to Santa.
421
00:17:42,493 --> 00:17:44,526
Well, he doesn't
do it for the thanks,
422
00:17:44,528 --> 00:17:46,128
he does it because
he genuinely wants
423
00:17:46,130 --> 00:17:48,463
to make the people
in his life happy.
424
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:50,899
Are you happy, Walden?
425
00:17:50,901 --> 00:17:52,467
I am.
426
00:17:52,469 --> 00:17:55,570
I-I couldn't have imagined
a better Christmas morning.
427
00:17:55,572 --> 00:17:59,474
I mean, other than waking up
with Alan poking me in the back.
428
00:17:59,476 --> 00:18:01,777
Listen, I...
429
00:18:01,779 --> 00:18:05,414
I'm sorry that I said
I didn't want you around.
430
00:18:05,416 --> 00:18:06,715
Oh, please.
431
00:18:06,717 --> 00:18:08,316
It's not like every time
somebody says
432
00:18:08,318 --> 00:18:10,919
something mean to me, I write
it down in a big book called
433
00:18:10,921 --> 00:18:13,588
“Those Who Have Wronged Me.”
(chuckles)
434
00:18:13,590 --> 00:18:15,557
That's funny.
435
00:18:15,559 --> 00:18:16,992
I think.
436
00:18:16,994 --> 00:18:21,697
Well, I told you before,
I just want to be your friend.
437
00:18:21,699 --> 00:18:23,665
Well, you are.
438
00:18:23,667 --> 00:18:25,534
And...
439
00:18:25,536 --> 00:18:27,436
I'm sorry if I forgot that.
440
00:18:27,438 --> 00:18:29,204
Oh.
441
00:18:29,206 --> 00:18:31,006
(chuckles)
442
00:18:31,008 --> 00:18:32,974
Oh, hey, but how did Santa
443
00:18:32,976 --> 00:18:35,010
manage to put
that bike together?
444
00:18:35,012 --> 00:18:37,946
The instructions couldn't
have been any clearer.
445
00:18:37,948 --> 00:18:40,215
“The bolts of turning
shall revolve clockwords
446
00:18:40,217 --> 00:18:41,850
as in above figure below.”
447
00:18:41,852 --> 00:18:44,186
(chuckles)
Duh.
448
00:18:44,188 --> 00:18:47,823
Yeah. Duh.
449
00:18:47,825 --> 00:18:50,092
Do you guys have
big plans for later?
450
00:18:50,094 --> 00:18:52,060
Uh, no, just the usual.
451
00:18:52,062 --> 00:18:54,329
Open gifts, call family,
452
00:18:54,331 --> 00:18:56,364
hope that you get
their voice mail.
453
00:18:56,366 --> 00:18:58,700
Oh, the best part is
Alan's gonna deep-fry a turkey,
454
00:18:58,702 --> 00:19:01,570
so there's a 50/50 chance
he'll catch himself on fire.
455
00:19:01,572 --> 00:19:03,405
Oh, I got you guys
456
00:19:03,407 --> 00:19:06,441
a little something
for the house.
457
00:19:06,443 --> 00:19:08,243
And I hope that every time
you look at it,
458
00:19:08,245 --> 00:19:09,444
you'll think of me.
459
00:19:09,446 --> 00:19:11,213
(chuckles)
460
00:19:11,215 --> 00:19:13,915
Oh! A cuckoo clock.
461
00:19:13,917 --> 00:19:15,684
I get it. 'Cause you're...
462
00:19:15,686 --> 00:19:16,686
(whistles)
463
00:19:16,687 --> 00:19:17,719
(chuckles)
464
00:19:17,721 --> 00:19:19,121
What?
465
00:19:20,190 --> 00:19:22,190
No.
466
00:19:22,192 --> 00:19:24,593
Because it's red like a rose.
467
00:19:25,562 --> 00:19:27,462
How could you
hurt me on Christmas?
468
00:19:27,464 --> 00:19:29,297
I'm sorry. I-I...
469
00:19:29,299 --> 00:19:31,333
I thought it was...
Oh, I'm just kidding.
470
00:19:31,335 --> 00:19:34,503
No, it's totally
'cause I'm cuckoo.
471
00:19:35,272 --> 00:19:37,973
Well, Merry Christmas, Walden.
472
00:19:41,745 --> 00:19:43,945
Merry Christmas, Rose.
473
00:19:45,783 --> 00:19:47,282
(clock chiming, cuckooing)
474
00:19:47,284 --> 00:19:49,251
(laughs)
475
00:19:49,253 --> 00:19:52,521
How cute is that?
It's a tiny Rose.
476
00:19:52,523 --> 00:19:55,824
Wait, is that her real hair?
477
00:19:55,826 --> 00:19:57,726
ROSE:
No, it's yours.
478
00:19:57,728 --> 00:19:59,828
♪ Men. ♪
479
00:20:05,229 --> 00:20:08,763
♪ You better watch out,
you better not cry ♪
480
00:20:08,764 --> 00:20:10,831
♪ You better not pout... ♪
You know,
481
00:20:10,833 --> 00:20:13,700
this is what Christmas
is all about.
482
00:20:13,702 --> 00:20:17,104
Family, Bublé,
483
00:20:17,106 --> 00:20:20,107
deep-fried turkey.
484
00:20:20,109 --> 00:20:21,809
Life is good, Alan.
485
00:20:21,811 --> 00:20:24,011
Hmm. It is.
486
00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:33,320
Um, can you cut mine for me?
487
00:20:33,322 --> 00:20:35,522
Deep-fried fingers.
488
00:20:38,494 --> 00:20:40,194
(clock chiming, cuckooing)
489
00:20:44,066 --> 00:20:45,899
That was sweet of Rose.
Yeah.
490
00:20:45,901 --> 00:20:48,268
You know, I-I've always
been so cynical of her.
491
00:20:48,270 --> 00:20:50,871
Maybe she does just want
to be friends, you know?
492
00:20:50,873 --> 00:20:55,669
♪ Now, he sees you
when you're sleeping... ♪
493
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:10,300
Sync, corrected by elderman
@elder_man34500
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