All language subtitles for The Conners s03e04_English

Any good news in there?

Yeah, it says older gentlemen
live longer when fed.

You've totally
spoiled him

by making him breakfast
every morning.

Well, I find
when he's full,

he's tired
and doesn't give me no lip.

That's right,
you don't want to see me hungry.

There used to be another kid
around here.

There's a problem
with the chickens.

The problem is that
we have chickens.

I'm really worried.
They've stopped laying eggs.

There was only one
this morning.

If they're on strike,
let's send a message

by barbequeing
the ring leader.

Morning, everybody!

Uh‐oh!
Darlene's in a good mood!

You better move your weed
out of that face cream jar.

How do you know what's in
my face cream jar?

Relax. I was just trying
to steal your face cream.

Hey, I do not need to be stoned
to be in a good mood.

Exercise and a job well done
is the best high you can get.

That just tells me that
there's a whole class of drugs

you haven't tried yet.

What are we gonna do
about the chickens?

We've had them,
but no one's ever

taken a minute to learn
how to care for them.

If we didn't do it
for our kids,

we're not gonna do it
for chickens.

Ah, you know,
my brother Neville is a vet.

He mostly works
on big animals,

but I don't think he'd charge us
to come over and take a look.

That would be great.

They're my emotional support
chickens.

That may be a sign
I'm failing him as a parent.

I didn't know
your brother was a vet.

Yeah.
He's even on call at the zoo.

I thought Lanford Zoo
went out of business.

It's still open.

Beverly Rose got bored because
it's mostly empty cages.

But she did enjoy a rat fighting
a crow over a cigarette butt.

Hey.

I have great news.

You're still happy?

This has lasted minutes.

You're not gonna
believe this.

I'm pregnant.

Really?

Yes, really.
Why would I joke about that?

I don't know.

Sometimes you say things
you think are funny

but are just confusing,

but that doesn't matter
because you're pregnant!

We can raise our babies
together.

We can go to Mommy and Me

and we don't have to talk to
any of the other mothers at all!

And Mark is great
and Harris is Harris,

so this baby will be like
the tiebreaker.

When did you find out?

I took a test this morning,

but I haven't had my period
in two months

and I've been feeling moody
lately.

No, no, no, it's different
than the usual moodiness.

There's ups,
not just down and downer.

Oh,
Ben must be so excited.

I can't wait to tell him.

I mean, this couldn't come
at a better time.

He told me he was okay with us
not having a baby,

but I know he was just saying
that to make me feel okay.

Oh. It means a lot
that you told me first.

Oh, yeah, well,
I wanted to show you

that you're not the only one
who can have

a risky,
old‐lady pregnancy.

And I'm gonna have to have it
right here on the afghan

'cause we got
no health insurance.

[ Quietly ]
You're having a baby!

I'm having a baby.

Aah!

♪♪

[ Feminine voice ]
I'm an independent young woman,

and you don't tell me
who to marry.

And also,
you are a bear.

[ Coos ]

Hey, Sweet Pea.

Your daddy promised me

that you'd be taking a nap
at this time every day.

Uh, either of you
seen him?

Five‐ten, dark hair,
big liar.

He tried to get Beverly Rose
to go to sleep.

[ Feminine voice ]
Ahhhhhh!

Emilio, how many times
can we talk about this?

If she doesn't nap,

she's a nightmare for me
when I get home.

[ Normal voice ]
This is the only time

I get to play
with the baby.

If you tell your papá that I'm
here, I can come to your house.

Are you
out of your mind?

If I tell him you snuck back
into the States,

he'll punch you
back to Juarez.

Well, you better tell him
before the baby's birthday

because we should have the party
at your place.

Why can't we have it here?

It's just a cupcake
with a candle in it.

A cupcake and a candle?

Do you hate the baby?

Sometimes. Why?

For my first birthday party,

I was lowered down
from the roof

with angel wings onto
a golden‐sprayed pony.

Did they have your birthday
at Burning Man?

She's a one‐year‐old.

She's not gonna remember
any of this.

I don't want to waste
all that money.

But she will see the pictures.

And when she grows up,

she'll look back
and see how loved she was.

Ah, the Conners
don't work that way.

We assume we were loved,

but it's kind of like
a perfect crime.

There's no hard evidence.

I'm not a Conner.

I'm a Rodriguez.

And in my family,
the first birthday is important.

It's almost as important
as the baptism.

Hang on,

I never agreed
to any baptism.

Wait,
she's got to be Catholic.

No, she doesn't.

I'm not sure
if I want to raise her

in any specific religion yet.

A child needs to have
a religion.

They have to think
that God is watching

or ‐‐ or ‐‐ or
they'll do bad things.

Like getting girls pregnant
in freezers?

Do you know how many Hail Mary's
that cost me?

How about this?

You can have a party,
but don't make it crazy.

You can have music,
a cake, and a piñata.

That's it.

Okay.

Uh, what if I invited our priest
to the party

and there was a punch bowl
filled with holy water

and he accidentally mistakes
Beverly Rose for a cup

and dips her?

[ Laughs ]
You're really cute.

No priest.

That'll only attract God,

and God has been trying
to pick off the Conners

one‐by‐one for years.

If we're all in the same place
at the same time,

he only needs one lightning bolt
to take us out.

I want to make him
work for it.

Oh, man.

I starving.

That is good because
I made you lunch.

Really?

Is this a trick?

You take the first bite.

Don't be silly.

If I wanted you dead,
you'd be dead.

Oh, well,
look at that.

It's an itty‐bitty carrot,
a tiny corn, and a candy bar.

No.

It's a baby carrot,

a baby corn,

and a Baby Ruth bar.

Yeah.

Come on. Use that big,
furry brain of yours.

What do all those things
have in common?

Uh, it ‐‐

They are all disappointing
when you're expecting lunch?

You're so stupid, I'm sorry
I'm having a baby with you.

We're having a baby?

Yup.
No!

[ Laughing ]

Oh, my God!

Yes! Yes!

Oh, we're gonna have
the best baby ever!

Oh, you know, when the doctor
said the odds were against us

and I said I'd be okay
about not having one,

but I was totally lying.

Oh, man! Oh, man!

Who's the mom?
You're the mom!

Yes, I am!

[ Laughing ]

How are the chickens?

This is Dr. Neville.

He's Louise's brother.
He's a vet.

Okay, don't pull any punches.

I buried my sister.

I can handle
whatever is going on here.

Dr. Neville says that
the chickens need more protein.

I think we've got weevils
in the flour.

I'll go strain 'em out.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Hi, Jackie.

Oh, hi. Hi.

You won't remember me,
but I‐I remember you.

I used to watch you practice
your rifle twirling.

[ Chuckles ]
She did that in high school.

You were two.

Oh, he probably saw me
in the park.

I used to practice
for parades

when I was on
the police drill team.

Uh‐huh.

Well, if you ever, uh,

start practicing again,
um, I am a fan.

Well, that's very sweet of you,
Neville,

but my performing days
are behind me.

You can't bring a rifle
to a park like you used to.

Hey, you know what?

How about
I stop by the diner

with some vitamins
for the chickens,

and I'll bring a broom,

and maybe you can teach me
a couple of those twirls.

Brooms are for beginners,
Neville.

You don't put Michael Phelps
back in the kiddy pool.

Good to see ya.

Great seeing you,

and can't wait to catch up
with you at the diner.

Uh‐huh.

Well, well, someone likes
the crazy lady.

I hope not

because I'm on a journey of
self‐discovery and reflection.

I don't have time
for any men.

I'm trying to figure out
why I'm such a mess.

That's a relief.

He's a really sweet guy.

Hey!
What are you trying to say?

I don't deserve
a sweet guy?

You said you don't
have time for men.

You're right. I don't.
I'm not in a place to date.

Good.

What the hell is that
supposed to mean?

Can't we all just agree

that there's something
wrong with you?

Yes!
Thank you.

Tell her.

What are you doing here?

I came to measure the backyard
for the party.

But I haven't
told my dad yet.

Well, why not?

I'm waiting for the right time,
but he's still alive.

I will go tell him
right now.

No. I'll do it.

Just stay there.

Hey there, Dad.

Hey there, Becky.

Look at that.

The one time you're watching TV
without a beer.

[ Sighs ]
That's too bad.

What's up, Becky?

Ah, nothing.

Just feeling bad
for Emilio.

Getting dragged out of
this country unfairly

when all he wanted
was the American dream.

If he walks in here right now,
I'm going to kill him.

Okay, there's no good way
to do this.

Emilio!

Hello, Dan.

Hello, Emilio.

My, oh, my, has it been
two years already?

Because that's how long you were
supposed to stay in Mexico

before you could
come back here legally.

That's exactly what I said
the night he showed up.

It's crazy
how alike we are.

I love you, Dad.

I ‐‐ I understand why
you're mad at me, Dan.

Do you?

Is it because you married
my daughter behind my back?

Or because you're risking

being dragged away from
your daughter for good?

Or C,
all of the above?

I already missed a year of
Beverly Rose's life.

I'm not gonna miss more.

I am here for her.

No, no,
you're here for you.

She's going to
go to bed every night

wondering if you're gonna be
here tomorrow!

Is that what you want?

I'm not going back.

Then we're done here.

Dan ‐‐
Get out of my way, son.

[ Exhales sharply ]
Dad, stop.

Please.

I know you're upset
right now,

but we're gonna have a party
for Beverly Rose,

and if you kill him
on her birthday,

it's gonna be hard for her
every year.

Not a problem.

'Cause I'm not going.

♪♪

Hey, Jackie.

Ugh.

Back again I see.

I know.
But I couldn't help it.

I found this little bird mirror
to hang in your coop.

I didn't want to
hurt your feelings,

so I let it slide when you came
here with the chicken vitamins,

and now you show up
with this.

I think it's time for you
to look at yourself

in the tiny mirror
and ask yourself,

"What am I doing?"

I like you.
I want to go out with you.

Neville, I'm poison.

The only common denominator

in all of my failed
relationships is me.

Well, you just haven't found
the right guy yet.

Did you get kicked in the head
by a horse?

Nope.

Alright.

Alright, I didn't want
to have to do this.

But, um, you and I are gonna
have to go out for coffee.

You, me, and my demons,

and we are gonna
start out with

my childhood hatred
of my mother.

And then we're gonna
work our way up

through my last
failed relationship,

which was a thrupple.

And then
you're going to get up

and say you have to
go to the bathroom,

and I'll never see you again,
and that will be that.

This is great.

I know a place that has
the best coffee.

Y‐Y‐You got kicked.

Hi, Doctor Davis.

It's been 13 years
since I was pregnant.

Have the rules changed?

Can I eat sushi?
Smoke? Drink?

Looking for something to take
the edge off of this thing.

I'm sorry, Darlene.

You're not pregnant.

What?
Yes, I am.

The stick said I was.

You think you're smarter
than a stick?

I'm looking at
your blood test.

You got
a false‐positive.

Wow. Um...

Okay.

Uh, well,
I guess we'll just try again.

One of the reasons
you got a false‐positive

is because your FSH levels
are elevated.

You're in perimenopause.

Well,
that's impossible.

I'm too young to be in
any sort of pause.

I'm 43.

That's not young.

Look, I really think you should
just test me again, okay?

It's not gonna change,
Darlene.

Well, I can still have kids,
right?

Well, with your other issues,
I‐I'm afraid not.

Uh, just give me a moment
to get my notes together.

What are you watching?

The end of
my child‐bearing years.

Is that a Lifetime movie?

Is that Stanley Tucci?

Is my dad here?

No.

He told me to call him
when Emilio left.

Hey, Aunt Becky,
check these balloons out.

Oh, that is so cute!

Custom balloons?
Those are expensive.

Well, at least when they fall
into the ocean,

the whales will
be able to identify

which little girl
is choking them.

Uh, yeah, I thought that,
uh, you should know

that your brother and I
are going out for coffee,

but I will prove to him
that I'm a toxic cloud,

and anyone who gets
mixed up with me

is headed for
certain disaster.

Do not agree with me!

Hey, Becky,
check out my dummy.

Emilio
rented him for me.

I'm gonna do a routine
at the birthday party.

We're doing a bit
for the kids

about why it's so important
to wear masks.

That's not why
you're wearing masks.

You just don't want anyone
to see your lips moving.

They're not moving.
Watch.

See?
They're not moving at all.

He really doesn't understand
how this works.

I got to talk to Emilio.

Emilio.

What are you doing?

Well, you said I could have
some music, a piñata,

some games,
and a cake.

But you didn't say
how much I could spend.

This cake is crazy.

Is another baby
gonna jump out of it?

How much
did all of this cost?

It doesn't matter.

You could've put this money away
for college.

I told you I didn't want
this big of a party.

It is not
just your decision.

I'm the papá.

I am tired of asking you
for permission

to do things
for my daughter.

You don't get it.

I almost didn't tell you
I was pregnant

because
I didn't want anyone else

interfering with the way
I raised my baby.

You have all the cards.

You have custody.

I am undocumented.

If you think I'm interfering,
then why am I here?

This is
just hard for me.

Okay?

I went through
the pregnancy alone.

I've been
raising her alone.

And now all of a sudden
you're here, and...

I'm not used to
sharing her.

I just want what's best
for Beverly Rose.

I know you do.
You're a good dad.

[ Sniffles ]

And the one thing
that a good dad does

is make sure that
his daughter

isn't living in hell
for all of eternity

because
she wasn't baptized.

Okay.

Doesn't mean she's a Catholic,
but we'll dunk her.

And don't be surprised
if she sizzles.

That's just
the Conner leaving her body.

[ Door closes ]
Hey.

I got a little gift
for Beverly Rose.

All the toy stores
were closed,

so I hope she likes rice.

I think she'll like
shaking the box, though.

It's fun.

Whoa, ho, ho, ho!

Hey, little mama,
you shouldn't be drinking that.

The baby will come out
all Jimmy Buffett.

Doesn't matter.

I'm not pregnant.

I would've told you
yesterday,

but I was looking for
the right time,

and there just isn't one.

Oh, hey, that's okay.

It's alright.

We did it once.

We can do it again.

No, we can't.

I'm in perimenopause.

The doctor says that, um,

I can't have another baby.

I should've known.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

You know, I ‐‐ I know how much
you really wanted this baby.

Oh, look. Hey.

I only said all that stuff
because I was excited, okay?

The only thing that matters
is that I love you.

I love you, too.

Are you okay?

Yeah.
Yeah, I am.

Are you really okay?

Yes, absolutely.

Are you lying?

Yeah.

Are you lying?

[ Voice breaking ]
Absolutely.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Hey, if you guys don't want to
be the godparents now,

I'll understand.

Oh, no.
No, we'll be fine.

Yeah. What exactly are
our responsibilities again?

Well,
if Emilio and I die,

you're supposed to continue
the baby's religious life.

So, you guys would be
totally dead at that point

and you'd have no idea whether
we actually did it or not?

Yes.

You can count on us.

I'd like to welcome everyone
who came here today

to celebrate
this gift from God.

What name have you
given your child?

Beverly Rose.

And what do you ask of
God's Church for her?

We were hoping you could do
the whole baptism thing on her.

Eternal life.

Can the godparents
step forward?

[ Quietly ]
You thinking what I'm thinking?

[ Quietly ]
We can outrun Becky,

but we'll never
outrun Emilio.

I now trace the cross
on your forehead.

Almighty God,

you sent your only son

to rescue us from
the slavery of sin.

You came.

I was on my way to the liquor
store, thought I'd drop by.

Thanks for being here.

I'm only doing this
because years from now,

she's gonna look at
those pictures,

and I want her to know
that I loved her.

Hey, oh,
I'm so sorry I'm late.

I had to
perform surgery.

We just found out that
the two‐hump camel at the zoo

is actually just
a one‐hump camel

with the biggest tumor
I've ever seen.

Well, let's do this.

Great.
Okay.

My first memory is of my mother
standing over my crib,

blaming me
for not being a boy.

And when I called her Mommy,
she said,

"There's no reason for us
to be so familiar."