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1
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# They say I might as well face the truth
2
00:00:05,918 --> 00:00:08,955
# That I am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:09,198 --> 00:00:12,235
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:12,798 --> 00:00:15,790
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,278 --> 00:00:20,237
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6
00:00:20,438 --> 00:00:23,828
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
7
00:00:23,918 --> 00:00:27,194
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
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# One foot in the grave #
9
00:00:33,278 --> 00:00:35,746
VICTOR: The absolute limit, that was
10
00:00:35,838 --> 00:00:38,033
You wouldn't believe
that anyone could pick their nose
11
00:00:38,118 --> 00:00:41,110
all the way through
Dances With Wolves, would you?
12
00:00:41,198 --> 00:00:44,156
Three and a half hours I had to sit next to that
13
00:00:44,238 --> 00:00:47,594
It was always the right nostril,
he never touched the left one
14
00:00:47,678 --> 00:00:49,669
Always the one on my side
15
00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:52,397
You'd think he was digging the Channel Tunnel
16
00:00:52,478 --> 00:00:54,275
(KEYS CLINKING)
17
00:00:54,358 --> 00:00:57,031
Come on, what's the matter?
I'm ruddy freezing out here
18
00:00:57,118 --> 00:01:01,987
MARGARET: It won't turn
It's jammed again, bloody thing!
19
00:01:02,158 --> 00:01:04,353
You're joking, surely Here, give it here
20
00:01:04,438 --> 00:01:08,317
I managed it this morning
by jiggling it slightly to the
21
00:01:10,038 --> 00:01:11,187
Bugger
22
00:01:11,718 --> 00:01:13,709
Turn, for God's sake
23
00:01:13,878 --> 00:01:17,348
MARGARET: £260 we paid for this!
24
00:01:17,438 --> 00:01:21,556
For a complete set of new locks so secure
even we can't get in
25
00:01:22,638 --> 00:01:25,198
Good old Yellow Pages
26
00:01:31,478 --> 00:01:33,150
God Almighty
27
00:01:33,238 --> 00:01:38,517
If I get through this alive, I'm never going
to get anyone in to do anything ever again
28
00:01:38,918 --> 00:01:39,907
(GASPS)
29
00:01:39,998 --> 00:01:43,877
Oh, I've got ruddy cramp now
all down my left side
30
00:01:43,958 --> 00:01:45,277
(GRUNTING)
31
00:01:45,518 --> 00:01:47,031
(PHONE RINGING)
32
00:01:53,878 --> 00:01:54,993
4291
33
00:01:55,998 --> 00:01:57,113
What?
34
00:01:57,918 --> 00:01:59,715
Yes, I know there is
35
00:02:00,038 --> 00:02:01,915
Yes, I know
36
00:02:02,238 --> 00:02:03,466
It's me
37
00:02:03,878 --> 00:02:07,393
Yes, I'm on a ladder,
going through my own bedroom window
38
00:02:08,918 --> 00:02:10,874
Why the hell do you think I'm doing it?
39
00:02:10,958 --> 00:02:13,597
All because the lady loves Milk Tray?
40
00:02:13,678 --> 00:02:15,953
Pull your blinds and go back to bed
41
00:02:17,318 --> 00:02:19,513
The mentality of some people
42
00:02:20,918 --> 00:02:22,237
Are you all right?
43
00:02:22,318 --> 00:02:24,912
Hang on while I put some pillows down
44
00:02:25,158 --> 00:02:27,547
Yes, if you would It'll be a big help
45
00:02:28,158 --> 00:02:29,750
Just
46
00:02:31,798 --> 00:02:33,834
How the hell did you get back in?
47
00:02:33,918 --> 00:02:38,196
Oh, yes, well, I managed to jiggle it about
somehow or other in the end
48
00:02:38,398 --> 00:02:40,389
Funny, isn't it? It suddenly turned
49
00:02:40,478 --> 00:02:41,513
Funny?
50
00:02:41,598 --> 00:02:46,547
Yes, sometimes I wonder just how much
priceless hilarity I can take in one evening
51
00:02:58,558 --> 00:03:02,710
Why is it that no matter
how long you stand there shaking it,
52
00:03:04,158 --> 00:03:07,594
there's always one last drip
that you have to dab off
53
00:03:08,358 --> 00:03:10,553
with a sheet of toilet paper?
54
00:03:11,398 --> 00:03:15,186
It's one of those strange facts of life
you can never work out
55
00:03:16,558 --> 00:03:20,710
Did you say you would pick up the makings
of that casserole for me this morning?
56
00:03:20,798 --> 00:03:22,993
Oh, I suppose if I have to
57
00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:27,310
Run the gauntlet again with that woman
at the greengrocers who seems to fancy me
58
00:03:27,398 --> 00:03:31,471
The one that keeps wrapping up my vegetables
in a suggestive manner
59
00:03:31,558 --> 00:03:33,071
Wrapping up your what?
60
00:03:33,158 --> 00:03:36,594
It's got so I'm afraid to go in there
and ask for a parsnip
61
00:03:36,678 --> 00:03:41,115
Got back last week and found lipstick marks
on the end of a spring onion
62
00:03:41,558 --> 00:03:44,630
-What's that all about?
-What are you talking
63
00:03:45,078 --> 00:03:47,273
Are you talking about Millicent
in the greengrocers?
64
00:03:47,358 --> 00:03:50,475
Millicent Miles fancies you?
65
00:03:50,558 --> 00:03:52,833
Oh, God, she must be desperate!
66
00:03:53,278 --> 00:03:55,269
I'm not imagining it
67
00:03:55,358 --> 00:03:59,670
I can feel her mentally skinning my beetroot
every time she looks at me
68
00:03:59,958 --> 00:04:02,631
I mean, you would think
that a woman of her age might
69
00:04:02,718 --> 00:04:04,310
(GASPING)
70
00:04:08,998 --> 00:04:10,272
(GROANING)
71
00:04:10,598 --> 00:04:12,156
What have you done now?
72
00:04:12,238 --> 00:04:16,629
I've just put Olbas Oil on that
You know it stings to high heaven
73
00:04:16,718 --> 00:04:19,073
Stings? It's nearly taken my eye out
74
00:04:19,158 --> 00:04:21,194
(DOORBELL RINGING)
75
00:04:25,838 --> 00:04:30,434
Take your life in your hands
every time you blow your nose in this house
76
00:04:34,038 --> 00:04:36,313
Oh, shit
77
00:04:41,798 --> 00:04:43,231
-Morning
-Morning
78
00:04:43,318 --> 00:04:45,513
Thank you Thank you
79
00:04:46,118 --> 00:04:47,153
Ah!
80
00:04:47,238 --> 00:04:49,877
My tickets for Wembley, Thursday night
81
00:04:50,878 --> 00:04:52,516
Now, what's this?
82
00:04:55,838 --> 00:05:00,116
Surely not that new pair of gloves I sent away for
83
00:05:01,758 --> 00:05:06,309
Oh, in the name of sanity, what's this?
84
00:05:06,998 --> 00:05:10,547
Can't anyone get anything right anymore?
85
00:05:12,438 --> 00:05:13,666
(SIGHING)
86
00:05:29,918 --> 00:05:31,636
(DOORKNOB RATTLING)
87
00:06:13,638 --> 00:06:14,832
(SPLUTTERING)
88
00:06:14,918 --> 00:06:17,386
I do not believe it!
89
00:06:17,478 --> 00:06:19,275
What's happened now?
90
00:06:19,718 --> 00:06:22,107
Someone's just stolen our fridge
91
00:06:22,958 --> 00:06:24,710
Just Just then
92
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:27,990
When I went upstairs,
as bold as brass, they must just have come
93
00:06:28,078 --> 00:06:29,511
(SPLUTTERING)
94
00:06:34,438 --> 00:06:35,427
Stolen? The fridge?
95
00:06:35,518 --> 00:06:37,031
(PHONE RINGING)
96
00:06:40,878 --> 00:06:41,993
4291
97
00:06:43,398 --> 00:06:44,672
Speaking
98
00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:46,107
Yes
99
00:06:48,598 --> 00:06:49,997
Oh, my God
100
00:06:51,678 --> 00:06:53,191
Well
101
00:06:53,278 --> 00:06:56,873
Do they know what ward she's in or anything?
102
00:06:57,678 --> 00:06:59,908
Ah, right Bye
103
00:06:59,998 --> 00:07:03,627
Just saw the top of it disappearing
down the road in a truck
104
00:07:03,718 --> 00:07:08,473
I mean, can you believe that?
Can you actually believe that?
105
00:07:09,038 --> 00:07:10,869
Jean's had an accident
106
00:07:10,958 --> 00:07:13,518
What? When? What, a bad one?
107
00:07:13,598 --> 00:07:16,670
Last night
On her way back from her sister's in Blackpool
108
00:07:16,758 --> 00:07:19,113
The car went off the road into a ditch
109
00:07:19,198 --> 00:07:22,315
They've taken her up the General so
110
00:07:22,758 --> 00:07:25,477
I'll meet you up there in my lunch hour, all right?
111
00:07:29,278 --> 00:07:30,597
Oh, hello
112
00:07:30,798 --> 00:07:33,710
Don't worry She's not as bad as she looks
Most of it's superficial
113
00:07:33,798 --> 00:07:36,232
The main thing is this nasty crack
all the way round her jaw
114
00:07:36,318 --> 00:07:38,912
So, I'm afraid she won't really be able
to speak to you at all
115
00:07:38,998 --> 00:07:41,307
Oh, really? Oh, dear
116
00:07:41,398 --> 00:07:46,552
Oh, and her spirits are very low I think
she could definitely do with some cheering up
117
00:07:48,918 --> 00:07:49,907
Uh
118
00:07:50,078 --> 00:07:53,593
I don't suppose you know
if you'll be out by Christmas or not?
119
00:07:53,678 --> 00:07:55,236
(MUMBLING)
120
00:07:55,518 --> 00:07:56,837
Sorry?
121
00:07:58,358 --> 00:08:00,553
Hang on, I've got a pen here
122
00:08:05,918 --> 00:08:07,271
What's this?
123
00:08:07,598 --> 00:08:09,236
''Commode'' What
124
00:08:09,318 --> 00:08:11,115
You mean, you want to
125
00:08:11,198 --> 00:08:12,313
(MUMBLING)
126
00:08:12,398 --> 00:08:15,390
Oh, well, just hang on a second, then
127
00:08:19,718 --> 00:08:21,310
Oh, excuse me
128
00:08:23,278 --> 00:08:24,870
JEAN: Margaret!
129
00:08:31,598 --> 00:08:33,077
Thanks for coming
130
00:08:34,398 --> 00:08:36,389
They said you were in a private room
131
00:08:36,598 --> 00:08:40,068
I was at first It's like musical chairs in this place
132
00:08:40,438 --> 00:08:43,271
All right, you just put your arm around me
133
00:08:43,878 --> 00:08:45,197
That's it
134
00:08:46,598 --> 00:08:47,917
That's it
135
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,916
Easier, please
136
00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:59,433
Oh, read that Read all these
137
00:08:59,678 --> 00:09:02,112
Oh, I tell you what I did do up there
138
00:09:02,198 --> 00:09:07,318
Guess what? On my very first day,
I won first prize in a competition
139
00:09:08,198 --> 00:09:11,986
In Louis Tussaud's
You know, the big waxwork museum on the front
140
00:09:12,078 --> 00:09:15,593
-In Blackpool?
-Guess who bought the winning lottery ticket
141
00:09:15,838 --> 00:09:17,476
So what did you win?
142
00:09:17,558 --> 00:09:21,756
Well, I had a choice of £500 in cash
143
00:09:21,838 --> 00:09:23,715
£500!
144
00:09:23,798 --> 00:09:25,993
or, now don't laugh,
145
00:09:26,958 --> 00:09:30,348
a chance to have a waxwork made of myself,
146
00:09:30,438 --> 00:09:35,034
all properly modelled with casts and everything,
by one of their experts
147
00:09:35,438 --> 00:09:36,996
Right
148
00:09:39,958 --> 00:09:41,710
Which did you choose?
149
00:09:42,518 --> 00:09:44,952
And then, now can you believe this?
150
00:09:45,478 --> 00:09:49,790
Some bastard forces open the back door
and waltzes away with our fridge
151
00:09:51,638 --> 00:09:54,596
Well, I suppose I better be moving
152
00:09:54,798 --> 00:09:57,631
I don't know what's happened to
Margaret today, I'm sure
153
00:09:57,718 --> 00:09:58,787
Oh!
154
00:09:58,878 --> 00:10:01,836
Your favourite TV programme
will just be starting, won't it?
155
00:10:01,918 --> 00:10:04,386
Let me just switch that on for you
156
00:10:04,678 --> 00:10:06,748
(NEIGHBOURS THEME TUNE ON TV)
157
00:10:08,678 --> 00:10:10,828
Well, I'll see you again, I expect
158
00:10:10,918 --> 00:10:14,115
All right And I hope you're feeling better soon
159
00:10:14,478 --> 00:10:17,754
Goodbye, Mrs Warboys Goodbye
160
00:10:18,318 --> 00:10:19,637
(GROANING)
161
00:10:27,358 --> 00:10:28,837
VICTOR: Oh, wonderful
162
00:10:28,918 --> 00:10:32,149
That's all we need, isn't it? A wax dummy
of Mrs Warboys cluttering up the house
163
00:10:32,238 --> 00:10:34,308
What on earth possessed her, for goodness sake?
164
00:10:34,398 --> 00:10:36,468
It's being sent down on Thursday
165
00:10:36,558 --> 00:10:41,109
And she won't be there to take delivery of it
Oh, what else was I supposed to say?
166
00:10:41,198 --> 00:10:44,076
We could always stick it upstairs
in the spare room or somewhere
167
00:10:44,158 --> 00:10:46,194
Yes, well, let's just keep it away from the radiator
168
00:10:46,278 --> 00:10:48,951
or she might start
dripping through the floorboards
169
00:10:51,478 --> 00:10:53,628
Oh, yes Do you really?
170
00:10:53,878 --> 00:10:56,790
I seem to remember
you swore on your grandmother's grave
171
00:10:56,878 --> 00:10:58,789
to come round yesterday
172
00:10:58,918 --> 00:11:01,432
Pity she's not buried in quicksand
173
00:11:02,878 --> 00:11:03,993
What?
174
00:11:04,158 --> 00:11:07,275
Because we can't open the front or the back now
175
00:11:07,358 --> 00:11:10,191
It took us half an hour
to get this locked again properly yesterday
176
00:11:10,278 --> 00:11:12,917
And now the key has broken off
177
00:11:12,998 --> 00:11:15,831
Are you listening to a cricket match there?
178
00:11:15,918 --> 00:11:17,271
(DOORBELL RINGING)
179
00:11:17,358 --> 00:11:19,918
Oh, can you hold on a minute, please?
180
00:11:20,878 --> 00:11:22,231
Just a sec
181
00:11:27,918 --> 00:11:28,907
Oh
182
00:11:29,358 --> 00:11:32,270
Don't worry, I haven't come for your fridge
183
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:34,474
Hello Good morning How are you?
184
00:11:34,558 --> 00:11:37,948
I'm afraid we're still trying to get
those locks sorted out, actually
185
00:11:38,038 --> 00:11:39,915
Bad as the one on the back of my van, then
186
00:11:39,998 --> 00:11:43,070
Someone had that off last week
It's the age we live in
187
00:11:43,158 --> 00:11:45,433
Anyway, me darling,
I've got your maris pipers out here
188
00:11:45,518 --> 00:11:47,349
-I won't be a tick
-Oh, right, right
189
00:11:48,438 --> 00:11:50,554
Uh, are you still there? Hello?
190
00:11:50,638 --> 00:11:51,991
Yes Right
191
00:11:52,238 --> 00:11:54,069
And you've got my address there?
192
00:11:54,158 --> 00:11:57,195
Yes, it's Victor Meldrew, care of Alcatraz
193
00:11:59,478 --> 00:12:01,150
No, no, no What are you doing? Hold on
194
00:12:01,238 --> 00:12:03,229
It's all right, Victor, I'm a big girl
195
00:12:03,318 --> 00:12:05,878
-I've got it
-I think I can manage Oh!
196
00:12:05,958 --> 00:12:07,835
Oh, I'm sorry
197
00:12:07,918 --> 00:12:11,672
If it's not one thing,
it's another with me just lately
198
00:12:11,758 --> 00:12:13,157
Don't worry
199
00:12:13,718 --> 00:12:16,232
What with yesterday in the pub
200
00:12:16,318 --> 00:12:18,593
A young girl went for my purse
201
00:12:18,678 --> 00:12:21,750
Just stuck her hand under the table
and grabbed hold of it
202
00:12:21,838 --> 00:12:23,715
Poor old Piers, is he okay?
203
00:12:28,518 --> 00:12:29,871
Your husband?
204
00:12:30,158 --> 00:12:32,353
I lost my husband five years ago
205
00:12:33,638 --> 00:12:36,311
Oh, uh Sorry
206
00:12:36,678 --> 00:12:39,317
We weren't that close towards the end
207
00:12:39,478 --> 00:12:41,946
I think you get a feeling, don't you?
208
00:12:42,038 --> 00:12:44,836
When something's there and when it isn't
209
00:12:53,518 --> 00:12:55,236
Morning, Millicent
210
00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:57,952
You know the back door of your van's wide open?
211
00:12:58,038 --> 00:13:01,951
Mrs Aylesbury's boys are out there
practising dropkicks with an aubergine
212
00:13:02,038 --> 00:13:03,266
Oh, they're not
213
00:13:03,358 --> 00:13:06,111
-Well, I'll love you and leave you then, Victor
-Yes
214
00:13:06,198 --> 00:13:08,553
You can settle up with me next week
215
00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:12,957
What happened to this?
216
00:13:13,038 --> 00:13:16,747
The thread in the middle section's broken
I think we'll have to get a new one
217
00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:18,112
Oh, right
218
00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:20,587
Well, perhaps we can have a look
the next time we're
219
00:13:20,678 --> 00:13:24,387
Oh, my God When did this arrive?
220
00:13:24,478 --> 00:13:27,675
Oh, yes, just after you went round the corner,
1 0:30
221
00:13:28,678 --> 00:13:31,397
Haven't you opened it yet to have a look?
222
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,946
I'm afraid I have Yes
223
00:13:34,678 --> 00:13:35,747
And?
224
00:13:42,678 --> 00:13:46,717
-I'll go and see to the potatoes
-Right
225
00:13:48,158 --> 00:13:51,275
Six hours of just sitting here waiting
226
00:13:51,558 --> 00:13:54,675
Well, I've had enough of this bloody caper now
227
00:13:54,878 --> 00:13:58,507
Have you been wiping up
the cheese grater with this again?
228
00:13:58,718 --> 00:14:01,676
5:00, it was obvious he wasn't coming
Rang up the shop
229
00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:05,433
''Oh, I'm sorry, he's gone home now
And it's his day off tomorrow''
230
00:14:05,518 --> 00:14:08,476
I'll give him a bloody day off, ruddy locksmiths
231
00:14:12,238 --> 00:14:15,071
MARGARET: What time train
are you catching tomorrow?
232
00:14:15,158 --> 00:14:17,626
5:55, we're all meeting at the station
233
00:14:17,718 --> 00:14:19,470
Kick-off's 7:30
234
00:14:19,558 --> 00:14:24,871
Which should just be fine, give me time
this afternoon to run one or two little errands
235
00:14:27,078 --> 00:14:29,034
What sort of errands?
236
00:14:44,318 --> 00:14:46,468
-Yeah?
-Good afternoon Mr Laverick?
237
00:14:46,758 --> 00:14:50,831
Of Laverick Locks and Bolts
for all your household security needs?
238
00:14:50,918 --> 00:14:53,273
-Yeah
-Ah Sorry to trouble you, my name is Meldrew
239
00:14:53,358 --> 00:14:57,351
We've spoken several times on the phone
about some work you did for me last Friday
240
00:14:58,358 --> 00:15:02,510
Mr Meldrew! How are you? I haven't forgotten you
241
00:15:02,598 --> 00:15:04,714
Only, we've had a few problems
at the office this week
242
00:15:04,798 --> 00:15:07,187
I can only apologise most sincerely
243
00:15:07,278 --> 00:15:09,951
and I promise someone will be around
first thing tomorrow morning,
244
00:15:10,038 --> 00:15:11,915
on my absolute word of honour
245
00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:15,752
Yes, well, I'm afraid I'm not really interested
in your word of honour, Mr Laverick
246
00:15:15,838 --> 00:15:18,398
I waited in all day for you four times now
247
00:15:18,478 --> 00:15:22,437
and, to be honest,
I'm not prepared to be pissed around any longer
248
00:15:22,518 --> 00:15:24,110
Awful midges
249
00:15:24,198 --> 00:15:27,634
If I were you, I'd keep this door shut
before they get everywhere
250
00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:28,946
What
251
00:15:29,038 --> 00:15:30,710
(LAVERICK SPLUTTERING)
252
00:15:30,798 --> 00:15:33,073
You won't want them in your porch,
either, will you?
253
00:15:33,158 --> 00:15:37,117
There we are
That's all nice and secure for you, isn't it?
254
00:15:37,198 --> 00:15:39,632
You demented fool!
What the hell are you playing at?
255
00:15:39,718 --> 00:15:44,189
It's all right Your wife
will probably let you back in when she gets
256
00:15:44,278 --> 00:15:47,873
Oh, no, I tell a lie
Didn't someone say that you lived on your own?
257
00:15:47,958 --> 00:15:49,869
Yes, of course they did
258
00:15:51,438 --> 00:15:55,954
In that case,
you'll very probably be wanting this back
259
00:15:56,038 --> 00:15:58,108
Give me back the bloody key!
260
00:15:58,198 --> 00:16:02,589
I'm sorry? Oh, what, you mean you'd like it
posted through the letterbox?
261
00:16:03,118 --> 00:16:05,678
-Yes!
-Yes, what?
262
00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:08,907
Yes
263
00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:12,191
please
264
00:16:12,718 --> 00:16:15,471
Righty-o, then There we are
265
00:16:19,758 --> 00:16:22,067
I've put a first class stamp on it,
266
00:16:23,558 --> 00:16:25,992
so it should be with you first thing in the morning
267
00:16:26,078 --> 00:16:29,673
Oh, and in the meantime,
be very careful of that umbrella plant
268
00:16:29,758 --> 00:16:31,555
They don't like a lot of water
269
00:16:40,558 --> 00:16:42,310
(BRAKES SQUEAKING)
270
00:16:42,398 --> 00:16:45,595
-MILLICENT: Cheer up, it may never happen
-Oh
271
00:16:45,758 --> 00:16:49,307
Can I give you a lift anywhere?
You'll be waiting there till doomsday
272
00:16:49,398 --> 00:16:52,595
I know
I'm supposed to be catching a train at 6:00
273
00:16:56,158 --> 00:17:00,356
Let's see if we can squeeze you in the back, then
Shouldn't take more than 1 0 minutes
274
00:17:08,038 --> 00:17:12,668
Sorry about all this palaver
I'll get around to fixing it one of these days
275
00:17:14,918 --> 00:17:17,193
If you can find a space between the collies
276
00:17:17,278 --> 00:17:19,508
I'm sorry I'm all a bit chocker at the moment
277
00:17:19,598 --> 00:17:23,716
Yes, well, I don't think I'll be bothered
about that, so long as I get there
278
00:17:23,798 --> 00:17:27,268
In? There you are You get yourself comfy, Victor
279
00:17:27,358 --> 00:17:29,428
I've got one quick call on the way
280
00:17:29,518 --> 00:17:31,110
We'll have bags of time
281
00:18:14,478 --> 00:18:18,391
Hello, Mad, it's only me Are you well today?
282
00:18:19,878 --> 00:18:21,675
(VICTOR SHOUTING)
283
00:18:25,558 --> 00:18:27,310
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
284
00:18:29,758 --> 00:18:31,157
Anyone home?
285
00:18:33,558 --> 00:18:38,109
Oh, I see you've managed to get that lock off,
then, from the back door at last
286
00:18:39,638 --> 00:18:40,912
Margaret?
287
00:18:42,198 --> 00:18:43,472
Margaret?
288
00:18:45,798 --> 00:18:47,026
(SIGHING)
289
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:01,391
Margaret? What are you
290
00:19:05,558 --> 00:19:07,150
Oh, Jean
291
00:19:08,678 --> 00:19:12,717
-When did you come out?
-Oh, they turfed me out a couple of hours ago,
292
00:19:12,798 --> 00:19:14,789
said they needed the bed
293
00:19:15,318 --> 00:19:18,628
Naturally, I couldn't wait to get round here and
294
00:19:19,398 --> 00:19:21,912
Well, where is it?
295
00:19:23,118 --> 00:19:26,713
Ah Um, we put it in the spare room
296
00:19:35,278 --> 00:19:40,636
What can I say, Victor?
Didn't I say things keep happening just lately?
297
00:19:40,718 --> 00:19:42,515
I'm really so sorry
298
00:19:43,118 --> 00:19:45,757
Your big trip to Wembley and everything
299
00:19:45,838 --> 00:19:47,715
and it's all my fault
300
00:19:48,278 --> 00:19:50,746
Yes, well
301
00:20:02,718 --> 00:20:07,075
Look, it's not the same, no way it's the same,
302
00:20:07,438 --> 00:20:10,669
but if you wanna stop off at my place
and watch it on the box,
303
00:20:10,758 --> 00:20:14,194
-you're more than welcome
-It's not on the box
304
00:20:14,278 --> 00:20:17,315
On satellite it is On the sports channel
305
00:20:17,678 --> 00:20:22,706
I mean, it's the very least I can do for you,
after everything
306
00:20:31,078 --> 00:20:32,636
Funny, isn't it?
307
00:20:33,598 --> 00:20:37,955
For the best part of a month
I've been dying for this moment and now
308
00:20:39,438 --> 00:20:43,556
I must have been out of my tiny mind
309
00:20:43,998 --> 00:20:47,308
to think that anyone
would want this in their house
310
00:20:48,118 --> 00:20:50,507
Other than to scare away the rats
311
00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:56,191
-It's absolutely hideous
-It's a very good likeness, though
312
00:21:02,598 --> 00:21:06,830
Well, it's nice,
the way they've caught your smile and everything
313
00:21:07,798 --> 00:21:09,789
Yes Well
314
00:21:11,158 --> 00:21:14,434
-What day do the dustmen come round here?
-Friday
315
00:21:18,758 --> 00:21:20,953
I'll give you a ring sometime, then
316
00:21:21,398 --> 00:21:24,549
-Wait You can't leave it
-Good night, Margaret
317
00:21:29,038 --> 00:21:32,667
COMMENTATOR: (ON TV)
I'm afraid we have to say that on the day,
318
00:21:32,758 --> 00:21:37,149
neither side really managedto find the reserves of form or character
319
00:21:37,238 --> 00:21:40,594
that were needed to lift this matchout of the doldrums.
320
00:21:41,638 --> 00:21:43,117
(SIGHING)
321
00:21:43,758 --> 00:21:46,795
I don't suppose I missed very much in the end
322
00:21:53,598 --> 00:21:57,910
So, you're going to leave me now, are you?
All on my own?
323
00:21:58,798 --> 00:21:59,947
Sorry?
324
00:22:01,878 --> 00:22:03,789
Oh, yes
325
00:22:03,918 --> 00:22:07,877
I thought I'd walk home and get some fresh air
326
00:22:07,958 --> 00:22:12,907
Oh, I don't know
The scrapes we get into, the pair of us
327
00:22:13,638 --> 00:22:17,426
I suppose we're very much alike really,
when it comes to it
328
00:22:21,918 --> 00:22:24,113
Anyway, bedtime
329
00:22:26,278 --> 00:22:27,757
Hm?
330
00:22:27,838 --> 00:22:31,956
If you're going to walk out on me,
there's not much to stay up for
331
00:22:34,038 --> 00:22:35,073
No
332
00:23:06,758 --> 00:23:08,476
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
333
00:23:19,798 --> 00:23:21,117
4291
334
00:23:21,198 --> 00:23:24,713
Hello, Margaret?
It's Millicent from the greengrocers
335
00:23:24,798 --> 00:23:26,356
Victor still not home yet?
336
00:23:26,918 --> 00:23:31,548
Uh, no He's in London with some friends
for the football I don't imagine he'll be
337
00:23:32,238 --> 00:23:33,591
How did you know that?
338
00:23:33,678 --> 00:23:38,069
Ah Well, I don't suppose there's any point
in trying to keep it from you
339
00:23:38,158 --> 00:23:41,912
I'm afraid your husband
didn't actually go to London tonight
340
00:23:42,238 --> 00:23:44,672
He's been here, at my place
341
00:23:45,518 --> 00:23:48,396
I don't think I need to paint a picture, do I?
342
00:23:48,478 --> 00:23:52,107
Suffice to say, it was a lot more fun than football
343
00:24:15,238 --> 00:24:16,910
You're back early
344
00:24:18,358 --> 00:24:19,791
Oh, yes
345
00:24:21,398 --> 00:24:24,947
Margaret, I can't believe what I've done
346
00:24:26,038 --> 00:24:30,714
It was one of those
stupid moments of weakness that
347
00:24:33,718 --> 00:24:38,030
-Would you like to tell me about it?
-Not really
348
00:24:38,118 --> 00:24:40,313
Tell me about it!
349
00:24:47,518 --> 00:24:50,112
I locked that locksmith in his porch
350
00:24:52,278 --> 00:24:56,066
-What?
-I went round to see him, locked him in his porch,
351
00:24:56,158 --> 00:24:59,116
took the key away and posted it back to him
352
00:24:59,998 --> 00:25:02,717
I suppose I must be cracking up altogether now
353
00:25:03,478 --> 00:25:07,551
Locksmith? I'm talking about Millicent!
354
00:25:08,478 --> 00:25:13,950
I've just had her on the phone telling me
that you've been round at her house tonight
355
00:25:14,358 --> 00:25:17,156
Oh, yeah, well, yes, I'm afraid she gave me a lift
356
00:25:17,238 --> 00:25:19,706
and the van was towed away so I missed the train,
357
00:25:19,798 --> 00:25:22,710
so I ended up watching the match
in her house on Sky
358
00:25:22,798 --> 00:25:26,108
Well What's she been saying to you?
359
00:25:27,678 --> 00:25:32,229
Victor, look me in the eyes and tell me
360
00:25:32,318 --> 00:25:36,869
nothing happened
between you and Millicent tonight
361
00:25:42,518 --> 00:25:45,112
Nothing happened between us
362
00:25:45,838 --> 00:25:47,954
Absolutely nothing
363
00:25:54,398 --> 00:25:55,672
Margaret?
364
00:26:00,438 --> 00:26:01,837
(DOOR SLAMS)
365
00:26:02,398 --> 00:26:03,990
(DOORBELL RINGING)
366
00:26:10,358 --> 00:26:13,714
-Hello, Millicent
-Oh! So, what have you come to tell me?
367
00:26:13,798 --> 00:26:16,710
-I suppose he's denied the whole thing
-Well, of course
368
00:26:16,798 --> 00:26:19,437
-I mean, naturally, he's going to deny it
-Naturally
369
00:26:19,518 --> 00:26:22,078
-Because it never happened
-Never
370
00:26:22,158 --> 00:26:25,309
-You're not telling me you believe him?
-That's right, Millicent
371
00:26:25,398 --> 00:26:28,151
My God! He's got you well-trained
372
00:26:28,318 --> 00:26:32,072
No It's called trust, Millicent
373
00:26:32,678 --> 00:26:36,512
You should try looking it up
in the dictionary sometime It's next to ''trollop''
374
00:26:37,238 --> 00:26:40,071
Oh, so I imagined the whole thing, did I?
375
00:26:40,158 --> 00:26:43,468
That your husband came upstairs
and got into bed with me tonight?
376
00:26:43,558 --> 00:26:46,789
Imagined? No Invented
377
00:26:47,198 --> 00:26:50,873
Because, unfortunately, the evening didn't quite
go the way you planned, did it?
378
00:26:50,958 --> 00:26:52,755
The way I planned?
379
00:26:54,158 --> 00:26:57,195
The one thing I never took you for,
Margaret, was gullible
380
00:26:57,278 --> 00:26:59,951
I mean, I really thought
you were stronger than that
381
00:27:00,038 --> 00:27:01,357
Yes?
382
00:27:01,798 --> 00:27:05,677
Well, we'll see, won't we, just how strong I am?
383
00:27:09,398 --> 00:27:13,186
And in future, we'll be getting our potatoes
from Sainsbury's
384
00:27:16,558 --> 00:27:18,071
(URINATING)
385
00:27:19,558 --> 00:27:23,153
Unbelievable the way people are sometimes
386
00:27:23,958 --> 00:27:28,429
I suppose I should have known
I was dicing with death there from the word go
387
00:27:28,518 --> 00:27:30,270
How's your stomach?
388
00:27:30,358 --> 00:27:34,431
Yes Much better than it was
when I was being sick in her bathroom
389
00:27:34,518 --> 00:27:38,477
An hour and a half in the back of that van
with all those rotting onions
390
00:27:38,558 --> 00:27:40,867
and then all those brandies
391
00:27:40,958 --> 00:27:43,233
It's a wonder I've got any stomach left
392
00:27:47,278 --> 00:27:51,908
Still, I suppose it all says quite a lot about us
when you think about it
393
00:27:52,238 --> 00:27:56,390
I mean, there aren't many wives who'd forgive me
for going round to her house in the first place,
394
00:27:56,478 --> 00:27:58,469
even just to watch football
395
00:27:58,558 --> 00:28:00,037
Wouldn't they?
396
00:28:00,118 --> 00:28:03,349
I mean,
at least we're a bit more mature than that
397
00:28:04,518 --> 00:28:05,507
Yes
398
00:28:09,678 --> 00:28:11,350
(VICTOR SCREAMING)
399
00:28:17,078 --> 00:28:20,388
# They say I might as well face the truth
400
00:28:20,478 --> 00:28:23,788
# That I am just too long in the tooth
401
00:28:23,878 --> 00:28:27,109
# I've started to deteriorate
402
00:28:27,198 --> 00:28:30,713
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
403
00:28:30,798 --> 00:28:34,268
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
404
00:28:34,358 --> 00:28:37,668
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
405
00:28:37,758 --> 00:28:41,148
#And my old knees have started to knock
406
00:28:41,238 --> 00:28:44,355
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
407
00:28:44,518 --> 00:28:48,557
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
408
00:28:48,638 --> 00:28:52,074
# It's true that my body has seen better days
409
00:28:52,158 --> 00:28:55,867
# But give me half a chanceand I can still misbehave
410
00:28:56,358 --> 00:28:58,918
# One foot in the grave
411
00:28:59,678 --> 00:29:02,397
# One foot in the grave
412
00:29:03,198 --> 00:29:06,235
# One foot in the grave #
32265
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