Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

(cheery creepy music)

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

(page turning)

(object whooshing)

(clock ticking) (tense ominous music)

(clock beeping) (clock ticking)

(Veronica gasping)

(crickets chirping)

- You all right, did the baby wake you?

- No, I'm fine.

Just had that creepy dream again.

I just need to get some sleep, being pregnant sucks.

- It's okay, babe, it'll all be over soon.

(Veronica grunting) (switch clicking)

(birds chirping)

- Thanks for letting me sleep in.

- Are you sleeping while you can?

- I've been having bad dreams all week,

and they just keep getting worse.

- What are they all about?

- It's all dark, and there's this old man with clocks

all over him, and he has an hourglass,

and he moves like this (chuckles).

- Like what?

- I don't know, like this.

(tense ominous music)

And as he makes his way down the hallway, he reaches out.

It almost felt like he was coming for me.

- So he had like a clock on his neck.

- Among other ones.

- Did he look like this?

- No smart ass.

Wait that's him.

Yeah, that is him.

Who is that?

- That's Father Time.

You know what they say about Father Time, don't ya?

- No, what?

- He ages, and lives a full life in just one year

and at midnight on New Year's Eve,

he inhabits a newborn baby to carry on his legacy,

hence Baby New Year.

- Whatever. - It happens every year.

Why do you think it's such a big deal

who the first baby of the new year is?

- That is just superstition?

- Or is it (chuckles).

Give me your baby?

- Stop, you can't mess with me like this

when my hormones are going all crazy.

- Relax, it's not real.

You're gonna be okay.

- Finally, the first comforting thing you've said all day,

(slow guitar music)

Alan, we're gonna be late, you know how much I hate that.

- [Alan] Almost ready, two more minutes.

- It's always two more minutes with you, let's go.

How is it that I am always ready before you?

thought men were supposed to be ready faster.

- Well, when you take over the bathroom,

and leave me with five minutes, that'll happen.

- Do you think the baby will be like you and be late,

or like me and be early.

- Hopefully the perfect mixture of both,

and be right on time.

- I wouldn't mind him being a little early,

I'm so done being pregnant.

- Hey, just two more weeks, baby,

tonight, It's our last soiree.

- Go get your shoes on. - All right.

(electricity buzzing) (tense ominous music)

(clock ticking)

- Hey, you ready?

- Alan, you scared me. - Sorry.

And you're fine, let's go.

(person knocking)

- Hey, Allen, Vee, you made it,

thought you guys were gonna pull

the ol' we-can't-make-it-'cause-we're-having-a-baby BS.

- No way. - You know, Alan, always late.

- Yeah, well I should've guessed you're running

on Allen time. - Shut up.

Besides we can't be that late anyway, where is everybody?

- Well, since you two are effectively ruining

all of our lives since you're getting married,

and having this baby,

I figured it's new year. So we're gonna something new,

and I start a new tradition, doing game night tonight.

All right, so I got poker, we got charades and such,

and then I can actually avoid getting dirty looks

from Vee all night, so. - I love it,

and I love you, Dan. - Hey, someone loves ya.

- Yeah, I hope your child is nothing like you.

(Veronica laughing)

Don't worry. Allen.

You're still gonna be able to get wasted,

and chase Vee around all night, like an idiot.

- That's more like it.

- Okay, so I got all the usual alcohols.

We got beer, we got wine,

for midnight, we got champagne to bring in the new year.

- Awesome, yeah. - Classy.

For my favorite gal.

I got a little sparkling cider for the baby.

- Thanks, my little munchkin.

- No problem, anything for the fattest girl at the party.

- There you go.

- I can always count on you to do something nice,

then go ahead and ruin it by being you.

- I'm just saying you're so freaking big right now.

You sure things aren't gonna pop out tonight.?

- God, I hope not.

- We've got about two more weeks.

- All right, good, 'cause I don't want you ruining

my first respectable party. - Respectable, all right.

- All right, baby, get on my level.

- You got it. (glasses clinking)

- So this, this is what a an infant does on the floor.

- Running, running. - Crawl, crawl.

- Yes, yeah, okay. - Easy for them.

- It's a day-- - Tomorrow.

- That has a death, or-- - Christmas?

- And eggs, and a bunny. (horn sounding)

- [All] Shot, shot, shot.

- All right, next one, next one, next one,

next one, next one, next one, come on, come on,

come on. - Oh no, time, time, time.

Losers, all right, all right, one more round.

We're so close to taking the lead.

- Dan, we have to pour the champagne,

the ball's about to drop.

- No, all right, you're right.

All right, kitchen, kitchen, tequila, vodka.

(horn sounding)

- That shot was so bad. - I got a real good one.

All right. (ears screeching)

- Here you go, babe.

- [Dan] Hold the glass here off the bottom.

- I don't feel good.

I've got to go to the bathroom.

- Don't take too long, it's almost time.

(door latching)

(electricity buzzing)

(Veronica vomiting)

(water running) (tense ominous music)

(clock ticking)

(Veronica screaming)

- Here, hold this. - Sure.

(Veronica grunting) (Veronica screaming).

- Veronica, let me in, Vee!

- Oh no (sobs)!

- Vee, open the door. - Vee, Vee!

(electricity buzzing) (Veronica grunting)

- Do you got a key for this, or like a lockpick?

Veronica, baby, it's okay!

Okay, whatever it is, we can get through it.

I need you to just open the door right now.

I need you to open the door, babe, right now, enough!

Baby! (Veronica screaming)

- [Crowd] 10, nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four, three, two, one. (clock ticking)

(tense ominous music)

(baby crying)

(slow ominous music)

(alarm buzzing)

- [Kyle] Hello Electric FM, it's 08:00 a.m.

- [Announcer] It's time to get serious.

Only six more sleeps till St. Patrick's day.

What trouble are you getting into?

- [Kyle] You found me out,

I've been gigging since before I could drink.

I've missed out on a whole green beer and shamrocks thing.

- [Announcer] We don't do green beer in Anchor.

- [Kyle] That's what I'm talking about,

I haven't a clue.

- [Announcer] So this year's your first Patty's Day.

Jesus, Kyle you're in for a treat,

maybe you'll head to mass, or catch parade, or something.

- [Kyle] I mean, do we still do that?

Is it even a religious holiday anymore?

Surely, we're beyond that nonsense.

- [Announcer] I can hear the complaint line ringing there.

Thanks for that, Kyle.

Right, here's Charlene Murphy with "Pay to Go."

(uptempo pop music)

(singing in a foreign language)

(tense ominous music) (man panting)

(water flowing) (ore thudding)

(crow squawking)

(tense ominous music)

(water bubbling) (man grunting)

(man panting) (bats screeching)

(snakes rattling)

(singing in a foreign language)

- [Woman] Hey!

(man wheezing)

(whip crackling) (man grunting)

(singing in a foreign language)

(tense ominous music)

(chains rattling)

(water dripping)

(brush rustling)

(punch thudding) (man grunting)

(man panting)

(knife dinging)

(man groaning)

(bells ringing)

(tense ominous music)

(singing in a foreign language)

(man sighing)

- [Woman] A young man was from his family taken.

Against his will ferried across the sea.

Six long years, he toiled a slave

for a foul and godless master till he escaped.

- Only to return. - Sacrificed himself for us,

that we be saved.

- [Woman] And so we honor his journey, his pain,

his humility, and his rebirth.

- [Woman] That we may be spared the wrath of God.

- And now, Son, this St. Patrick's Day,

and every St. Patrick's Day,

you know what it is to be such an honorable man.

And you can look back on this day with great pride.

- Good on your horse. - Fair play.

- You held up well, - That is an ideal.

- You're a real man.

- My wee boy all grown up, reborn and blooded.

Come on, do you have anything to say for yourself?

What are you waiting for?

Come on, blow out your candles?

(man blowing)

- All right, who wants some music,

it's time for a celebration.

(all laughing) (uptempo folk music)

- Who'd like a slice of cake?

(people talking) (people laughing)

(tense ominous music)

(singing in a foreign language)

(uptempo folk music)

(slow ominous music)

(waves whooshing)

(seagulls squawking)

(car engine growling)

(person breathing)

- [Lilith] Take the balloons.

Wait, where did she go?

Don't let her go. (Aaron grunting)

oh, oh, I'm so sorry, my elbow.

(knife thudding)

- My-- - In here, Booker.

- Hi, boy, hi, let's go see daddy.

- I got us lamb,

I thought we could make a nice chimichurri sauce with it.

- I can't eat me today. - Oh, right, sorry, religion.

Well, I guess that just leaves more for me and Marty.

Yeah, we're gonna eat all the meat.

Look what I got you.

You know that isn't based on scripture.

- Yeah, well, I like the challenge.

- I'm just saying,

God's not going to smite you for eating meat today.

You don't have to just because.

- I never got anything, 'cause I have to.

(bell ringing)

- Marty, I'll let him out.

We're gonna make that.

Come on, buddy, we're gonna eat meat.

(slow relaxing music)

(toy squeaking)

(cutlery scratching)

(Lilith raspberrying)

(Lilith laughing) (man laughing)

- I'll pick up the leftovers

for tomorrow.

- Marty (whistles).

Come here. (Marty munching)

(Lilith gagging)

- [Reporter] Recent reports out of Atlanta

that the CDC is responding to hundreds of reports

and India today of what they're calling

a rare neurological disorder.

(Marty yelping)

Denying claims that this relates

to last week's Cuesta Verde spill in the Tonga Trench.

Sources now say this may or may not be related

to the sudden.

(Lilith panting)

- Can I get you anything?

(Aaron sighing)

- [Receptionist] You've reached the offices

of Jawitz, Lawrence, and Mattern.

Out offices are currently closed.

If this is a medical emergency, please dial 911 (beeping).

- Hi, I'm calling on behalf of Lilith Hicks.

She's a patient of Dr. Mattern.

I'm sorry if this is, oh God, it's after midnight,

and I don't even know if this is an emergency,

but so Lilith had come down with something last night,

and I'm just calling to check to see

if there's anything that's going around

that I should know about, 555-2368.

Thanks (sighs).

(Lilith murmuring)

How are you feeling?

- Take a faith on little book

and eat it up.

- Lilith? (Lilith murmuring)

- Show me the bowls, show me.

Hey, wake up.

Lilith? (Lilith murmuring)

- The seven bowls,

I have to get through to the seven bowls.

I want to see the seven bowls.

- What do you need bowls for?

- For the weekend?

- Oh, why do you need bowls for the weekend?

- Past. - Oh.

Why do you need bowls for this past weekend?

- I don't know, hasn't happened yet.

(Aaron chuckling)

(oven clicking) - Whoa, Whoa, hold on.

Hold on, I don't.

Okay, wait, just stop.

Let's just. (Lilith screaming)

- Tell that woman not to go near that dragon.

Can you hear that?

Don't, please. - Wake up.

- [Lilith] He'll hurt you, your child, no!

- Lilith (pants)!

(Lilith sobbing)

- Aaron?

What (gags).

(knife clanking)

(bell ringing)

(door latching)

(crickets chirping)

(bell ringing)

(Aaron thudding) (Aaron sighing)

Marty?

Do you wanna go out? (Lilith screaming)

(Marty yelping) (tense ominous music)

Oh my god.

- The third dead body runs through the city.

And they-- - Lilith, please stop this.

And the oceans, and tongues-- - Wake up!

Lilith! - Shall see their dead body

three days, and (screams).

(Lilith vomiting)

(Aaron screaming)

(birds chirping)

(sirens wailing) (water dripping)

Okay, look, I'll be right back, okay?

You be good (smooches).

(door latching)

(car engine growling)

(tense dramatic music)

(bell ringing)

(Lilith murmuring)

- [Announcer] Across other countries, including.

(Lilith murmuring) (bell ringing)

They say there's no reported cases in the us.

- Harm me, harm me, harm me (screams).

(bell ringing)

(tense ominous music)

(fireworks popping)

(man humming)

♪ O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave ♪

(woman sobbing)

♪ O'er the land of the free ♪

♪ And the home of the brave ♪

(tense ominous music)

(gunshots booming)

- Shut up! (woman sobbing)

- Now, that's how a shoot goddamn American does it.

What?

What you gonna do about it?

- Please (sobs), please stop.

What do you want (pants)?

- I said shut.

- What you gonna do, boy?

(gun cocking)

You people always running their mouths,

but you ain't got shit to say, do you?

- (mumbles) I'm gonna kill you.

- (laughs) This nigger.

- Teach him a lesson, Jesse.

- I'm gonna kill you too. - Oh please, don't.

- That'll be the fucking day

- Ain't she something?

- You're both trailer park trash.

- What'd you say nigger (spits).

- Fucking bitch.

- Oh, scary.

- You know I look around your fine house,

and it's much nicer than ours by the way (chuckles).

But I see a man who thinks he deserves something.

So you're a vet?

- I am, and I fucking bet you're not.

- Don't you tell me what I am.

I'm a fucking American bitch.

I didn't marry some spook poota like you.

- She's probably not even legal.

- Probably why she's shacking up with this spook.

Ain't that right?

Home boy?

(tense dramatic music)

- I know honey, but you handle yourself so much better

in these situations than I do.

- Well, I've been around white people my whole life.

I'm used to it. - Well, I haven't.

So thank you again for being there for me.

- Oh, I'll always will be count on it.

- My hero. (both chuckling)

(tense dramatic music)

(footsteps thudding)

You never talk to me about it.

- About what?

- The war.

Iraq.

- There's not much to talk about.

Just a bunch of guys acting silly in the sand.

- That's it?

(woman moaning)

(gun cocking) (woman screaming)

(gunshot booming) Kevin, Kevin!

- Shut your fucking mouth.

I'm not fucking around mother fucker.

- Why are you doing this? - Shut up, bitch.

- We deserve this country.

- You deserve this fucking country?

Bitch, you deserve me (laughs).

- Fuck you! - Fuck me?

I'll fuck you first. - Fuck you!

Fuck you! - I'll push it up your pussy, and pull the clip.

- You bitch. - Hey.

You don't talk to my wife that way, motherfucker.

- I love you, Jesse.

- I love you too, Poodle.

- That just warms my heart.

- How the fuck would you know?

You probably cheat on your wife every chance you get.

Don't you know that's how these people are.

- Never, never, baby.

- You two would make ugly babies.

(Jesse laughing)

- At least they won't be stupid white trash like you,

you stupid cunts.

- Hey motherfucker, you need to shut the fuck up,

or I'll fuck your pussy up,

you fucking won't be able to have kids after this,

and that's gonna be a fucking relief.

- What in the hell is it that you people want?

- That's easy, we just want our country back.

- Fuck yeah. - From whom?

- Black people?

- From all you anti-Americans.

Sure, you served your country,

but that was probably so you could get out

of the fucking ghetto.

You're all the same, and you're always complaining

about something.

What you can't get for free from the government,

you're going to take, right?

While hardworking Americans like me

got to work for everything, and have nothing to show for it.

Black Lives Matter?

What the fuck is that shit?

You're out on the street while Jane or I are driving,

we will run your goddamn monkey asses right the fuck over,

what boss, what you gonna do now?

That's what the fuck I'm talking about.

You're all fucking savages.

And you've been fucking Americans over

for so long.

That's what the fuck I came here for.

To show you what it feels like to get fucked.

(Kevin thudding) (tense dramatic music)

- Yeah, I'm about to get some of that fucking nigger booty

right here, yeah. - No!

- Stop it. (Jesse grunting)

- Shut up, or I'll motherfucking kill you, bitch (laughs).

(Jesse grunting) (tense dramatic music)

- [Jesse] I'll cum so hard over this nigger.

Oh fuck yeah (grunts).

Fuck that ass (grunts).

Come on.

Oh yeah.

(knife slicing) (woman grunting)

(tense dramatic music)

(Jesse thudding)

(gun clicking)

- Stupid fuck. - Stupid nigger (laughs).

(gun thudding) - white chicken shit,

motherfucker, fuck me?

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you fucking cracker, motherfucker.

(Kevin grunting) (tense dramatic music)

(Kevin sobbing)

(Kevin panting)

- You sure showed him.

- Fuck you, you honky bitch. (Jane screaming)

(gunshot booming)

(radio chattering)

- I'm gonna need assistance, we have a suspect down.

Are you all right, ma'am?

- You're so brave, officer.

You saved my life.

- It's our job, ma'am, you're safe now.

(tense dramatic music)

(tense ominous music)

(person knocking) (woman panting)

- Did you hear that? (crickets chirping)

(woman urinating) (person knocking)

fucking neighbors.

(water running) (person knocking)

Hello? - Hello?

(tense ominous music)

Are you there?

- Is there someone out there.

(person knocking)

Who is it?

- It's me.

It's me with your delivery (knocks).

Hello, it's me. (tense ominous music)

- What do you want from me?

- It's Labor Day, I have a delivery for you.

Do you wanna see what I got you?

- James!

James!

(woman chuckling)

No, no, no (screams).

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

James? (person knocking)

Did you hear that?

(woman urinating) (person knocking)

Fucking neighbors.

(water running) (person knocking)

Who's there?

(floor creaking) (woman gasping)

(tense ominous music) (wind howling)

(footsteps thudding) (woman gagging)

James!

(woman screaming)

James!

fucking neighbors.

(blood flowing)

James!

James! (woman panting)

(clock ticking)

Did you hear that?

(woman urinating) (footsteps thudding)

(person chuckling)

fucking neighbors.

(water flowing) (baby crying)

Hello? (woman chuckling)

(woman chuckling)

(person knocking)

(woman coughing (woman panting))

(tense ominous music)

(screams) Oh my god.

(tense somber music)

(woman screaming) (woman sobbing)

it's not working. - I know, babe.

- I've got so many of these, all of these.

- Listen, I know. - I can't do it.

I can't do it, take it.

(water running)

(knife clinking) (woman gasping)

(tense ominous music)

(gunshot booming)

(woman panting)

- Did you hear that?

(slow ominous music)

(tense ominous music)

(crows squawking)

(bushes rustling) (woman sobbing)

- Oh god, please help me!

Somebody!

Help me (sobs).

(woman screaming)

(water flowing) (slow tense music)

(door creaking)

- We made it before the storm.

- Thank god.

- It's ours (chuckling).

(tense ominous music)

- How cut, our first house warming gift.

Aw, to the sweetest couple.

- Well, we are.

- Well, we can toast the Jeffrey and a motivated seller.

- How did he get in?

- Oh, he's the real estate agent.

He probably has a spare key or something.

- Whoa, that's the first thing to go.

- Oh no, come on, this is our new home security system.

It's pretty rusted.

- I'd rather get a dog. - We should keep it forever.

I'm keeping it.

- Fine.

What is that? - Oh crap?

The inspector said the roof was fine.

- Well, where'd you get him from?

- Jeffrey. - Oh geez.

(electricity buzzing)

Well this is just shaping up to be a grand first night.

- Hey, this is why you married a hardcore DIYer.

- And here I thought I married you

because of your big fat cock.

- You did that too, you're a shallow woman.

I'm gonna go find the breaker.

- Hurry back.

(door creaking)

(lighter flicking)

(person knocking)

(door creaking)

_ Trick or treat.

Just kidding, it's me.

I'm sorry.

- You scared the living daylights out of me.

Oh, you know, just a little Halloween fun.

- Well, I thought I'd come and see

how your little muffins are holding up.

- Well, except for the blackout, we're okay.

- Good, good. - Actually, you know what?

There is one little thing,

sellers forget to disclose something?

- Very strange, where is that water coming from?

- I was gonna have Mike go take a look

when he gets the lights back on.

- Don't even worry about it.

I'll call a roofer in the morning first thing.

- You're a doll. - All right?

- I can't believe they just left all of this junk.

I mean, look at this.

- Well, you know what they say?

One man's junk is another man's treasure.

- Yeah, I guess.

Why did they leave in such a hurry?

- I don't know, but they was such a sweet, sweet couple.

Super cute.

But husband got a job overseas,

and they just left everything, everything.

- Well, sounds like a dream.

- Aren't you just delicious,

I could just eat you up right now.

Well, you tell that husband of yours,

I am really sorry, I missed his sweet, sweet ass.

Just kidding (chuckles).

- Okay, I will.

(tense ominous music) (wind howling)

- There you are, you little bastard.

(light buzzing) (water dripping)

Yeah.

Jesus. (tense ominous music)

- Run. - Fuck.

Charlotte.

Charlotte, there's a woman in the shed.

- A woman. - There's a woman.

I don't know, a thing? (Charlotte chuckling)

- That's a good one, you almost got me.

- Charlotte, I'm not making this shit up.

I just saw her out there.

- Look, it's our first night.

We're both just a little on edge.

(electricity buzzing) - Shit.

I'm not going back out there.

- Great, so much for my DIYer, and his big cock.

- I'll go. - Sit down, Charlotte.

You got to call the cops, we have a trespasser.

- Relax, just breathe.

We're gonna need a bucket.

I think I saw one in the basement.

- Mike, Mike.

God, grow a pair. - Oh, that's nice.

Thank you for that, real nice.

(floorboards creaking)

(Charlotte grunting)

(tense ominous music)

(branches hissing)

(chains rattling)

(Charlotte shrieking) (lamp shattering)

- [Mike] Charlotte!

- What the hell? (uptempo cheery music)

Mike?

(tense ominous music)

Mike?

- Run, run!

Oh god, oh come on.

- [Operator] 911.

- Hi, yes, I'm at 445 Asonic road,

please send somebody, my husband, you have to send somebody.

- [Operator] Did you say 445 Asonic road?

- Yes, that's right, we need help.

- [Operator] Ma'am, there is no 445 Asonic Road.

- What, no, what are you talking about?

We just moved in here, there has to be some kind of mistake.

- [Operator] Ma'am, we've been getting crank call

from this address, it's a crime to make a false 911 call.

- No, please send somebody.

Shit. (roof popping)

(Charlotte screaming)

- Run, run! (tense ominous music)

- It needs to feed. (branches whipping)

No (shrieks).

No, no!

(uptempo cheery music)

(water running)

(bottle spraying)

- Goddammit.

(birds chirping)

(person knocking) (door squeaking)

Hey guys, welcome. - Hey.

- Hi. - Well, come on in.

So this is the spa. - Oh, it's so cute.

- Isn't it, oh my goodness, wait till you see the loft,

you will just die.

(tense dramatic music)

(birds squawking) (phone ringing)

- [Mom] I need you to pick up cranberry sauce.

- I'm probably not gonna come. - Why not?

Is it because of the car?

I sent you money to fix it last month.

- It's not because of the car.

- [Mom] Is it fixed?

Are you smoking?

Honestly, Josi.

- It's not fixed.

- [Mom] Do you have the check?

- It's in my wallet. - Don't lose it.

I'm not giving you another.

Now, I need you to pick up cranberry sauce.

- Fine.

- Josi, get up. - I'm walking.

- [Mom] Walking?

Tell me you're not going to a gas station.

- I'm not going to a gas station.

- [Mom] They only sell the cheap stuff.

- I'm going to convenience store.

- [Mom] There isn't a difference.

- Yeah, there is.

- [Mom] When it comes to cranberry sauce, there isn't.

- I'll get the cranberry sauce where I get it.

- [Mom] You're buying more cigarettes, aren't you?

If it is from a convenience store,

you better bring it in the nice dish.

- Because appearances are all that matters at the holidays.

- [Mom] Yes, I wanna have the appearance

that I didn't buy shitty cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving.

Thanks, we're looking forward to seeing you.

You will come this time, won't you?

- I said I was coming.

I'm going for you, be thankful.

- [Mom] It's not about giving thanks honey,

it's about giving a shit.

Screw up enough times, and the world's

just going to come right up and devour you.

Thanks for the wisdom, mom. - I've got to go.

People are arriving, hurry up and come,

be here with cranberry sauce,

play nice with everyone, and I'll be happy.

It had better not be from a convenience store.

- I'll bring it in a nice dish.

(tense dramatic music)

- I know it's important.

Well, I just have a couple more miles.

I'll take a shower, as soon as I get home, I'll be quick.

Well, running is important to me, and

I'll be there soon.

(tense electronic music)

(birds squawking)

- You want me to buy his CD,

and you want me to also sell it in my store.

I wanna sell my stuff, it's crazy.

- The usual. - Okay, hold on a second.

- Will that be all? - Yeah.

- 12, 20

- I only have $10.

- What's the most important in Thanksgiving?

(tense ominous music)

(monster growling) (birds squawking)

(bird munching)

(tense electronic music)

What?

I changed my mind.

(tense electronic music)

(can thudding) (Josi grunting)

(birds squawking)

(tense electronic music)

(tense dramatic music)

(uptempo traditional music) (people laughing)

- You're hysterical, Solly. - I know.

- I can't wait till we get to Hawaii.

It's like Florida on steroids.

You transferred all the money, right?

The offshore account with the double blind?

I haven't seen the confirmation.

- I'll do it, I'll do it, my little macaroon.

- You'll do it, do it?

I thought you did it, did it.

Solomon, you received the proceeds from the sale

two weeks ago.

- Don't worry, okay?

- Don't worry?

Your wife would chop us up into kielbasa if she knew,

and I mean kielbasa.

- Well, she's kosher, more like chopped liver.

- You're sure she's not coming home tonight?

- She's at the Rosenblatt's.

I told her I was working late.

She's gonna be there forever, getting drunk,

God knows what she does.

- You are so romantic.

- I know. - Although that is a weird looking candelabra.

- Well, it's called a menorah,

it's for the last night of Hanukkah.

- You didn't tell me you were a Jew.

- No, I did.

- You said you were Jewish.

(uptempo whimsical music)

Did you hear that?

- Solomon, oh my god, you scared me half to death.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were at the office.

- Judy, I was, and then I thought I'd surprise,

get straight back here so we could celebrate

the last night of Hanukkah together.

- Looks like you started without me.

Hello Tiffany.

- It's Crystal.

- It was something with a sparkle.

Judy, this is, I wanna stay--

- Fine, Sol, just sit down.

I get it.

We're all going to celebrate

the last night of Hanukkah together.

- That's nice.

I learned a Jewish-Christmas song

from when I was in middle school.

(Crystal humming)

Oh, it'll come to me.

- Oh, and since your assistant's here,

we can all celebrate the sale of your company too.

- Are you making French fries?

- Potato latkes, Sol's favorite Hanukkah treat.

- I love 'em.

- What do we do? (Solomon hushes)

what about our plan? - Shut it.

- Did you say something? - No, Bubla.

- Bubla?

(knife whooshing)

(tense dramatic music)

- So you like my husband?

- No, no, I don't.

In fact he repulses me.

- Of course he does, he repulsed me for years.

The burping and the farting.

You should've seen us on our honeymoon,

but he is my husband,

and that money is my money.

You cannot just come through here,

and take everything that I've earned

for putting up with him.

- Get her, Bubla. (Crystal screaming)

(uptempo whimsical music)

- Oh my god, what is wrong? - Nothing.

- What's wrong with you? - Nothing, sorry.

I just remembered I forgot to change Gary's litter box.

- What's a matter, Sol?

- Looks like you need your litter box changed too.

No, no, Tiffany, I really think you should sit down.

We're celebrating.

(knife chopping)

♪ Oh, dradle, dradle, I made you out of clay ♪

♪ Oh, dradle, dradle ♪

(tense dramatic music)

- I know what you're up to, you cheating,

blubbering Yentser.

You're gonna take all that money,

and run off with that nafkah. (Crystal giggling)

- OF course, we're running off with the money.

Why else would would I let that smug touch me?

- Shut up, you , okay, I love you.

I'm not gonna go anywhere Judy.

- Oh, you love me.

Is that why you're cheating on me?

For 10 years, I put up with you and looked the other way

with your infidelity, and lack of manners,

and personal hygiene.

And now you're gonna run off right when we finally make it?

- What do you want from me?

- Well, that's some reward for putting up with you, Bubla.

- I love you, Judy, I'm not going anywhere.

Please, trust me, (whimpers).

(uptempo traditional music)

- What, did I say the wrong words.

It's all there, Judy, all of it.

I haven't touched the accounts,

every cent is in it, it's all yours.

I'm not going anywhere I promise you.

- What are you talking about, Sol?

- Yeah, what are you talking about, Sol?

- I love you, Judy, I truly, truly love you.

All the money's there, the accounts are untouched,

please trust me. - Of course it is, Saul.

What are you blubbering about anyway.

Oh these latkes are turning out so nicely.

- What are you talking about,

did you transfer the money or not?

- Be quiet.

- Don't tell me to be quiet, (music drowns out talking).

- You bitch.

Ow, don't bite me.

(menorah thudding)

- We didn't even get to light the menorah.

Oh well, guess you can't plan these things

too perfectly.

Guess we won't be needing these then.

I'll just save this for later.

Never can tell.

Hercules, I'm ready to go.

- Nice shirt.

I sure didn't tell me you were a Jew.

- I'm Sure I mentioned it.

- You said you were a Jew-ish.

- Oh honey.

It's a good thing that you're cute

with a schlong like a show pony.

(uptempo traditional music)

(slow ominous music)

(uptempo Christmas music)

(wind howling)

(people talking) (upbeat music)

♪ In his one horse open sleigh. ♪

- Gather around everyone, young and old,

it's time for a story to be told.

- Oh great.

- Seriously everyone,

everyone, I'm about to bring back a tradition lost long ago

of telling scary Christmas stories.

- Come on, Bob. - scary Christmas stories?

- Isn't that Halloween?

- No, it's a Christmas tradition.

Long ago, people used to tell scary stories around fires

in cold, winter months, particularly Christmas.

- Really? - Yeah

- No way. - Mom?

- He's right.

Long ago, early American settlers

used to tell scary stories at family gatherings or parties

in the cold, dark, winter months.

- Especially Christmas.

Haven't you ever heard

"It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year."

- What? - The Christmas song?

- Yeah.

♪ There'll be parties for hosting marshmallows ♪

♪ For roasting, and carolers out in the snow ♪

♪ There'll be scary ghost stories ♪

♪ And tales of old glories of Christmases long, long ago ♪

- Okay, I think that's enough.

And I don't think it's necessarily a great idea

to be telling scary stories around all of the kids,

- All the kids that are in the other room playing.

- Yeah.

- Some of the adults don't wanna hear 'em either.

- Yeah, boo.

- We don't need to hear the story.

- Hey, I wanna hear.

- How about everyone who doesn't wanna hear,

can go in the other room.

- Mom? - Come on mom.

We can survive a scary story.

- You do have Maitland's party coming up soon.

- We'll leave right after the story.

- Yeah. - Let them hear the story.

- Yeah, let them hear it.

- All right, if you think you guys can handle it.

- Yeah. - Of course.

- Well, I've heard enough of your hot air tonight.

So I'm gonna go in the other room.

(boy cringes) - I love his stories.

- Okay, it was the mid-'90s, and the Santa Claus murders

had just started.

(bells jingling)

(uptempo Christmas music)

♪ And Mary borne Jesus Christ to be your sweet savior ♪

- I've been waiting for you to return forever.

Come here, Santa.

I have a present for you.

Come on Santa.

- [Storyteller] He didn't kill her,

but instead he forced himself on her.

Police found the body of her husband

chopped into little pieces,

and packaged like presents under the tree.

(woman screaming) And nine months later,

she gave birth to a son,

and that was the last Santa Claus murder to happen.

But 18 years later, they started happening again.

Some people say like father, like son,

now that we know our killer,

that brings us to last year.

The second year of the new Santa Claus.

(tense electronic music)

(cellphone buzzing)

(cellphone keys ticking)

(messages whooshing)

♪ Jolly old Saint Nicholas ♪

♪ Lean your ear this way ♪

♪ Don't you tell a single soul ♪

♪ What I'm going to say ♪

♪ Christmas Eve is coming soon ♪

♪ Now you dear old man ♪

♪ Whisper what you'll bring to me ♪

♪ Tell me if you can ♪

(person knocking)

♪ When the clock is striking 12 ♪

♪ When I'm fast asleep ♪

♪ Down the chimney broad and black ♪

- Hello?

♪ with your pack you'll creep ♪

(message dinging)

♪ All the stockings you will find ♪

♪ Hanging in a row ♪

(person knocking)

♪ Mine will be the shortest one ♪

♪ You'll be sure to know ♪

- [Santa] Santa-gram!

♪ Johnny wants a pair of skates ♪

♪ Susie wants a dolly ♪

Hello?

- Can I help you? - Yeah.

Santa-gram, is Holly there?

- I'm Holly.

- Today, Santa is bringing you a special present

from someone else.

A secret admirer.

Hello, you still there?

(locks unlocked)

- Who sent it?

- Well.

Well, if I told you whom it was from,

then it wouldn't be a secret.

- Well I'm sure whoever sent it really wants me

to know who it's from, so you can tell me,

(Santa sighing)

Was it my boyfriend?

- I'm sorry, I can't tell.

But maybe if I show you what it is,

you can guess who it's from.

Hold on a sec.

- Hey, can you guess who it's from?

(cellphone thudding)

- Come on, Holly.

You've been a good girl all year,

and I wanna give you this Christmas present.

- My dad is here, and we're calling the police.

- Holly, don't lie, good girls don't lie.

- I'm not lying.

You better leave before the police get here.

- Holly, I just told you

I've been watching you all year long.

I know you're home alone.

Now be a good girl and open the door.

(door thudding)

- Hello? - I cut the line, Holly.

(objects thudding)

Screw it, Holly, don't you want this Christmas present?

- Stay away from me.

- You should've tried the back door.

- My parents will be home any second.

(knife clanking)

- Merry X-mas, Holly.

(Santa grunting)

- Fuck, Holly!

You've been such a good girl all year.

What happened?

Who'd have thought you'd end up on the naughty list.

(Holly screaming)

- What a dumb story, huh?

- I kinda liked it.

- I would've preferred a happy ending.

- I don't know, I mean, I kinda liked it.

- It was scary and all,

but I think the ending could have been better.

Just kind of left me depressed,

not really scared or anything.

- [Storyteller] Slice, he hacks at young Holly,

she fights back and stabs him in his hand,

but he kills her.

The moral of the story

is beware of any Santa with a limp and a scar on his hand.

(tense electronic music)

- Ho, ho, ho.

- Here's Santa.

(slow ominous music)

(uptempo ominous music)