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00:00:01,368 --> 00:00:04,738
♪ It seems todaythat all you see ♪
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00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:07,808
♪ Is violence in moviesand sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,875 --> 00:00:11,612
♪ But where are thosegood old‐fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:14,615
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:17,918
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,985 --> 00:00:21,388
♪ Lucky there's a manwho positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:22,990
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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Everyone,
I want to thank you all
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00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:38,672
for helping us decorate
for the fall dance.
12
00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:40,807
What's the theme of this dance,
anyway?
13
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,175
(chuckles)
14
00:00:42,242 --> 00:00:44,478
Ah, been doing this
a long time, Meg.
15
00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:47,781
Literally the next thing
out of my mouth. The theme is
16
00:00:47,848 --> 00:00:50,450
Climate Change: Dance like
it's the End of the World.
17
00:00:50,517 --> 00:00:52,719
- We're going to...
- How do we even decorate
for that?
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00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:55,622
(sighs) We're gonna
pump the heat up to 92
19
00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:58,492
and fill the gym up
with six inches of water.
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00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,928
And then, you know, balloons,
streamers, all that crap.
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00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:02,496
So, thanks again.
22
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:05,132
And if anyone needs anything,
just think:
23
00:01:05,198 --> 00:01:06,800
"I'm hanging balloons.
24
00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:09,236
How could I possibly have
a question?"
25
00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:10,871
- What do we even...
- Meg!
26
00:01:10,938 --> 00:01:13,240
(breathes deeply)
27
00:01:13,307 --> 00:01:15,208
Thanks, guys.
28
00:01:15,275 --> 00:01:17,511
So, I'm pretty sure Bobby and I
29
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:18,988
are finally gonna do it
after the dance.
30
00:01:19,012 --> 00:01:20,681
(gasps)
You're gonna have sex?
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00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,916
I'm talking
about our suicide pact.
32
00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:24,651
(laughs)
Oh, my God.
33
00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:27,020
I was like, "Who is this girl?"
34
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,822
So, Meg, who are you going with?
35
00:01:28,889 --> 00:01:30,123
Eh, I'm not gonna go.
36
00:01:30,190 --> 00:01:32,125
Oh, come on, you have to.
37
00:01:32,192 --> 00:01:33,493
No one asked me.
38
00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:35,195
I'm not just gonna
show up alone.
39
00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:37,130
You can tag along
with me and my date.
40
00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:38,465
Patty, no offense,
41
00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:40,200
but the janitor
doesn't count as a date.
42
00:01:40,267 --> 00:01:42,169
Yeah, that guy's hideous.
43
00:01:42,235 --> 00:01:45,105
Yeah, maybe I won't go with him.
44
00:01:46,506 --> 00:01:48,508
(sighs)
45
00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:01,521
Why's this place
so packed tonight?
46
00:02:01,588 --> 00:02:03,533
Because every night has to be
some kind of gimmick now.
47
00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:06,126
- Trivia. Karaoke. Beer pong.
- So cheap.
48
00:02:06,193 --> 00:02:08,629
What happened to a place
where you drink beer and talk?
49
00:02:08,695 --> 00:02:10,497
It might be time
to find a new bar.
50
00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:13,634
Hmm. Tonight's Magic Night.
51
00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:15,511
- Would you gentlemen...
- We would be delighted
52
00:02:15,535 --> 00:02:18,071
to participate in whatever
spectacle you have planned.
53
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:20,207
Great.
Just to warn you ahead of time,
54
00:02:20,273 --> 00:02:23,243
my specialty
is way‐too‐close‐up magic.
55
00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:25,512
- Pick a card.
- PETER: I‐I can't see.
56
00:02:25,579 --> 00:02:27,390
- Don't tell me.
- PETER: I‐I couldn't possibly.
57
00:02:27,414 --> 00:02:28,825
- Can you do something else?
- Very well.
58
00:02:28,849 --> 00:02:32,519
Let's just say goodbye
to these cards.
59
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,454
(screams)
Put it out!
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00:02:34,521 --> 00:02:37,157
I have been The Great Sebastian,
61
00:02:37,224 --> 00:02:40,327
and I bid you good day.
62
00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:43,096
I think maybe the show's over.
63
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,265
Excuse me, sir?
You forgot your ve...
64
00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:46,800
He's gone.
65
00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:49,536
Peter, he's eating a sandwich
right in front of you.
66
00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,571
Gone.
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00:02:51,638 --> 00:02:53,807
Well, least I got
his stupid vest.
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00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:55,342
Peter, I say this
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00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:57,844
in the strongest
heterosexual way possible,
70
00:02:57,911 --> 00:02:59,513
but it looks really good on you.
71
00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:02,249
Yeah, I say this in the least
heterosexual way possible,
72
00:03:02,315 --> 00:03:03,550
but I shared an ice cream cone
73
00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:05,352
with another adult man
last night.
74
00:03:05,419 --> 00:03:07,020
Huh, maybe I'll try it out
for a while.
75
00:03:07,087 --> 00:03:09,790
Haven't had a new look since
I turned all the boys' heads
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00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:11,625
with a buxom strut.
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00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,694
♪ ♪
78
00:03:17,264 --> 00:03:19,433
I'm all the boys.
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00:03:24,504 --> 00:03:27,140
Hey, hey, it's the Megalodon.
80
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:30,544
Bruce Almighty!
What it look like, boy?
81
00:03:30,610 --> 00:03:33,847
So, you's not going
to the big dance tonight?
82
00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:36,216
Oh. You know about that, huh?
83
00:03:36,283 --> 00:03:38,518
I heard some kids talking
in the bathroom
84
00:03:38,585 --> 00:03:40,187
while I was taking a doody.
85
00:03:40,253 --> 00:03:41,621
Yeah, I...
86
00:03:41,688 --> 00:03:44,424
I‐I just didn't feel like going,
I guess.
87
00:03:45,425 --> 00:03:47,127
Listen, my shift's up
in a few minutes.
88
00:03:47,194 --> 00:03:50,330
Can I's interest you in half
a lukewarm grilled cheese
89
00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:52,466
- and cold fries?
- I'd like that.
90
00:03:52,532 --> 00:03:54,468
And maybe after,
we can take edibles
91
00:03:54,534 --> 00:03:57,037
and stare
at the solar system carpet.
92
00:03:57,104 --> 00:03:58,839
- Oh, for sure.
- I know a spot
93
00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:01,742
where there ain't
too many spills.
94
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,180
Dad, where are you going?
95
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,549
Wearing a vest
means I'm a failed actor
96
00:04:09,616 --> 00:04:12,686
who teaches acting in a city
that's not New York or L. A.
97
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:15,021
All right,
Shreveport Community Center.
98
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:18,458
Listen close, for I shall
teach you the acting craft.
99
00:04:18,525 --> 00:04:21,661
Hey, didn't my husband chase
you away from our recycling bin?
100
00:04:21,728 --> 00:04:23,063
Use that.
101
00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:24,698
♪ ♪
102
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:28,535
And the award for Best Actress
goes to Susan Davis for
103
00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:32,539
Get Away from My Recycling Bin,
You Fat, Failed Actor.
104
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,341
‐(applause) ‐She used it.
105
00:04:34,407 --> 00:04:37,210
(dialogue inaudible)
106
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,980
Hey, stranger.
Are you the new piano player?
107
00:04:40,046 --> 00:04:42,115
I'm wearing a vest, ain't I?
108
00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:43,483
(cracks knuckles)
109
00:04:43,550 --> 00:04:45,485
(playing "Music Box Dancer")
110
00:04:45,552 --> 00:04:47,621
What is this sissy music?
111
00:04:47,687 --> 00:04:50,290
It's Richard Clayderman's
"Music Box Dancer."
112
00:04:50,357 --> 00:04:52,826
How are we supposed to brawl
to this?
113
00:04:52,893 --> 00:04:54,327
Maybe we don't brawl today.
114
00:04:54,394 --> 00:04:57,597
Maybe we just close our eyes
and smile.
115
00:05:00,233 --> 00:05:01,601
(gunshot)
116
00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:05,338
Whoa. Wh‐Where am I?
117
00:05:05,405 --> 00:05:06,706
You're a Westworld robot.
118
00:05:06,773 --> 00:05:08,909
You live
in a computer‐generated simul...
119
00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:10,710
Yeah, I already don't care.
120
00:05:10,777 --> 00:05:12,946
(swing music playing)
121
00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:16,883
Dad, what are we doing at a
Cherry Poppin' Daddies concert?
122
00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:18,485
Well, Chris, I'm wearing a vest.
123
00:05:18,552 --> 00:05:20,620
Figured I'd come dance
with other lonely whites.
124
00:05:20,687 --> 00:05:23,190
Let me just connect
my really long chain
125
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:25,058
to my wallet and get in there.
126
00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:27,327
♪ ♪
127
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:32,666
I'm tangled. I'm tangled
in your wallet chains.
128
00:05:32,732 --> 00:05:36,403
Stop! S‐Somebody please tell
one of the 20 people onstage
129
00:05:36,469 --> 00:05:39,339
to please stop playing.
I can't feel my arms.
130
00:05:39,406 --> 00:05:42,275
One of you tattooed
Betty Boop ladies, help me.
131
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:45,245
MAN:Hi, I'm the lead singerof the Cherry Poppin' Daddies.
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00:05:45,312 --> 00:05:46,913
My name doesn't matter.
133
00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:49,182
Please, don't wear wallet chais
to our shows. Otherwise,
134
00:05:49,249 --> 00:05:51,551
you could end up with both arms
ripped off like this guy.
135
00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:53,420
MAN 2:Tell them we're the bandfrom Swingers.
136
00:05:53,486 --> 00:05:54,597
MAN:We're not the bandfrom Swingers.
137
00:05:54,621 --> 00:05:56,356
MAN 2:
We're not?!
138
00:05:56,423 --> 00:05:57,891
LOIS:
Peter.
139
00:05:57,958 --> 00:05:59,192
Peter?
140
00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:01,361
Oh, Peter,
thank God you're awake.
141
00:06:01,428 --> 00:06:04,364
- Wh‐What happened?
- This should explain everything.
142
00:06:04,431 --> 00:06:06,466
A Farewell to Arms.
143
00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:09,436
(gasps) I fell in love
with a nurse during World War I?
144
00:06:09,502 --> 00:06:12,339
No, no, just the title. It's...
There's no way you've read that.
145
00:06:12,405 --> 00:06:15,342
N‐Never mind.
We couldn't reattach your arms.
146
00:06:15,408 --> 00:06:18,144
- Oh, my God!
- Don't worry. They'll grow back.
147
00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:19,512
Just spread the seeds on,
148
00:06:19,579 --> 00:06:21,348
keep them watered,
and watch them grow.
149
00:06:21,414 --> 00:06:22,816
♪ P‐P‐P‐Peter. ♪
150
00:06:25,518 --> 00:06:27,420
See? They're already coming in.
151
00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:29,422
Probably not gonna be able
to have sex
152
00:06:29,489 --> 00:06:31,424
for, like, a while,
though, right?
153
00:06:31,491 --> 00:06:33,894
- I think it should be fine.
- Oh, yay.
154
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:38,398
(laughing)
Oh, what, you think I enjoy it?
155
00:06:38,465 --> 00:06:41,534
(dialogue inaudible)
156
00:06:41,601 --> 00:06:43,236
(clears throat)
157
00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:47,374
Oh, hey, y'all.
I'll be outside in a minute.
158
00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,142
- Who's that?
- Oh, he's nobody.
159
00:06:49,209 --> 00:06:51,278
But I see that he wore
my belt today.
160
00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:54,214
Listen, I'm sorry you're having
problems at school.
161
00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:57,317
Aw, thanks.
I've just never fit in there.
162
00:06:57,384 --> 00:06:59,286
Then I get out
at the end of the day
163
00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:02,055
only to realize
I don't fit in at home, either.
164
00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:03,390
Preaching to the choir, sister.
165
00:07:03,456 --> 00:07:05,759
My parents
has never understood me.
166
00:07:05,825 --> 00:07:08,962
Every time I see them, it's,
"When you gonna meet a woman?
167
00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:10,530
"When you gonna get married?
168
00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:13,033
"Why don't you ever wear
that belt we gave you?
169
00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:14,401
Blah‐blah‐blah."
170
00:07:14,467 --> 00:07:16,303
(sighs)
Meg, my friend,
171
00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:18,471
you and I's two of a kind.
172
00:07:18,538 --> 00:07:21,141
Bruce... i‐is this a date?
173
00:07:21,207 --> 00:07:24,344
Well, none of the other tables
is shaking their head at us,
174
00:07:24,411 --> 00:07:26,279
but it sure feels like one.
175
00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:28,214
Well, whatever it is,
176
00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:30,016
thanks for hanging out
with me tonight.
177
00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:31,584
I really needed the company.
178
00:07:31,651 --> 00:07:35,221
Oh, please. Thank you
for hanging out with me.
179
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:37,490
♪ ♪
180
00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:50,937
Guess who has a boyfriend!
181
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:53,106
- Come on.
- Hey, y'all.
182
00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:55,241
Uh, hi.
183
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:57,544
Lois, can I please see you
in Joe's kitchen?
184
00:07:57,610 --> 00:07:59,179
Don't you mean our kitchen?
185
00:07:59,245 --> 00:08:00,613
No, they have better snacks.
186
00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:03,817
So, Meg's boyfriend.
Interesting choice.
187
00:08:03,883 --> 00:08:06,519
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know,
I know Joe has Cheez‐Its.
188
00:08:06,586 --> 00:08:08,631
I saw him eating them earlier.
Where the hell are they?
189
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:10,357
JOE:
You're not gonna find them.
190
00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:12,425
I was eating a bunch of them,
and I jokingly said,
191
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,527
"Bonnie, hide these."
And she did.
192
00:08:14,594 --> 00:08:18,098
She hides my food so I don't
get bored like a zoo polar bear.
193
00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:20,367
Good luck.
They could be anywhere.
194
00:08:26,973 --> 00:08:29,809
Hey, y'all. Nice to meet youse.
195
00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:33,079
- Isn't that, like,
a 50‐year‐old gay guy?
- Chris!
196
00:08:33,146 --> 00:08:34,323
Yeah, Stewie, isn't Bruce gay?
197
00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:36,116
(scoffs)
How should I know, man?
198
00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:37,751
I should be the one
asking you that.
199
00:08:37,817 --> 00:08:39,552
- Okay.
- Yeah, okay.
200
00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:42,288
(grunting)
201
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:44,357
Bruce, don't you live
on our street?
202
00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:46,159
Yeah, I'm the house
on the corner.
203
00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:48,228
You know,
the incongruous purple one
204
00:08:48,294 --> 00:08:49,863
with all the desert plants?
205
00:08:49,929 --> 00:08:52,932
Ah, yes, I know it well.
I've left my dog's expulsions
206
00:08:52,999 --> 00:08:54,601
on your Astroturf many times.
207
00:08:54,667 --> 00:08:56,770
Welcome to our home.
Put her there.
208
00:08:56,836 --> 00:08:58,204
Um, wh‐where?
209
00:08:58,271 --> 00:09:00,473
The hand, you blockhead.
210
00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:08,248
Hey, boo,
we should probably get going.
211
00:09:08,314 --> 00:09:10,216
Where are you two lovebirds
off to?
212
00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:12,519
The waxing place.
Bruce is getting a treatment.
213
00:09:12,585 --> 00:09:14,921
I'm just getting an estimate
from my team.
214
00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:17,190
Oh, gross.
215
00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:22,929
Peter, why is our daughter
dating a gay man?
216
00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:24,431
Lois, I don't even pretend
217
00:09:24,497 --> 00:09:26,199
to know what's going on
out there anymore.
218
00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:27,967
Meg's completely oblivious
to it.
219
00:09:28,034 --> 00:09:30,303
You know, what I'd like to know
is why he's doing this.
220
00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:32,105
Is it really such
a bad thing, Lois?
221
00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:33,973
I mean, they're having fun
with each other.
222
00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:35,608
Speaking of having fun,
223
00:09:35,675 --> 00:09:39,079
what do you say you and I do
a little of the old, uh...
224
00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:40,780
Eh?
225
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:45,151
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
226
00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:48,221
Are you okay to swim like that?
227
00:09:48,288 --> 00:09:50,223
(chuckles)
Am I okay to swim?
228
00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:51,758
(shouts)
I'm not.
229
00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:54,260
I can only flap about
like a motorized tub toy.
230
00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:56,262
Please help me. And hurry.
231
00:09:56,329 --> 00:09:59,265
I'm about to get hit by
the old retired guy doing laps.
232
00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:00,967
Quick! He can't hear me
233
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:02,978
because there's an investment
commercial playing in his head.
234
00:10:03,002 --> 00:10:05,171
COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER:
What are your retirement goals?
235
00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:07,173
Swimming past
a tiny‐armed fat guy
236
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,808
flailing in a public pool?
237
00:10:08,875 --> 00:10:11,411
T. Rowe Price.
We've got you covered.
238
00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:15,115
Look at that guy.
He did everything right.
239
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,953
Hey, what you doing?
240
00:10:20,019 --> 00:10:23,656
I... just won a 30‐pound bag
of wood chips on eBay.
241
00:10:23,723 --> 00:10:25,658
- What's up with you?
- (chuckles) Listen,
242
00:10:25,725 --> 00:10:28,194
I wanted to talk to you
about Bruce.
243
00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:29,395
Isn't he the best?
244
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:31,097
Uh‐huh. Yeah, he's great.
245
00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:34,934
But you haven't noticed
anything different about him?
246
00:10:35,001 --> 00:10:37,737
- Like what?
- Well, I‐I don't know
how to talk about this,
247
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:41,708
but here's a film my father made
me watch when I was your age.
248
00:10:41,774 --> 00:10:43,510
NARRATOR:
Then during lunch,
249
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:45,879
Ralph showed him
some pornographic pictures.
250
00:10:45,945 --> 00:10:47,914
Jimmy knew he shouldn't
be interested,
251
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,749
but, well, he was curious.
252
00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:52,018
What Jimmy didn't know
was that Ralph was sick‐‐
253
00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:55,688
a sickness that was not visible
like smallpox,
254
00:10:55,755 --> 00:10:58,191
but no less dangerous
and contagious‐‐
255
00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:00,426
a sickness of the mind.
256
00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:02,896
You see, Ralph was a homosexual,
257
00:11:02,962 --> 00:11:06,065
a person who demands
an intimate relationship
258
00:11:06,132 --> 00:11:07,901
with members of their own sex...
259
00:11:07,967 --> 00:11:09,836
Is that Earth?
260
00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:14,140
Oh, for Pete's sake,
I am 99% sure Bruce is gay.
261
00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:16,976
What? Mom, he works
part‐time at Lush.
262
00:11:17,043 --> 00:11:21,214
It's him and, like, ten girls.
Trust me, guy's a total P‐hound.
263
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:22,549
Listen, I'm just trying to...
264
00:11:22,615 --> 00:11:24,117
Oh, I know what
you're trying to do.
265
00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:26,119
Pathetic little Meg
is happy for once,
266
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,720
and you just can't take it.
267
00:11:27,787 --> 00:11:28,988
And I get it, okay?
268
00:11:29,055 --> 00:11:30,423
You're in a miserable marriage,
269
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:32,859
so why would you want
anyone else to be happy?
270
00:11:32,926 --> 00:11:34,327
Meg, that's ridiculous.
271
00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:36,596
Your father and I
love each other very much.
272
00:11:36,663 --> 00:11:38,464
Lois, where's the first aid kit?
273
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:41,634
I tried to put a Ellio's
in the oven and I burnt my head.
274
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:44,170
- Top of the closet.
- Oh, that little case?
275
00:11:44,237 --> 00:11:47,207
I've been taking that to work
to look like a businessman.
276
00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:49,409
Hold the elevator.
Hold the elevator.
277
00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:51,811
Sorry.
278
00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:53,746
Can someone push
any button, please?
279
00:11:53,813 --> 00:11:56,683
I don't work here,
I'm just being silly.
280
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:04,023
(whoops)
I am throwing rocks tonight.
281
00:12:04,090 --> 00:12:05,291
Mark it, Bruce.
282
00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:07,994
Dang, Meg, you are hot tonight.
283
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,963
And you're not so bad yourself.
284
00:12:10,029 --> 00:12:11,397
(laughs nervously)
285
00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:13,299
(phone ringing, vibrating)
286
00:12:15,101 --> 00:12:17,036
Ugh. My mother is so annoying.
287
00:12:17,103 --> 00:12:19,906
She's got some kind of hair
across her ass about us.
288
00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:22,675
- Oh, no.
- I know.
289
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:25,011
I told my folks about you
and they lit up
290
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:27,247
- like a Christmas tree.
- Really?
291
00:12:27,313 --> 00:12:29,415
You bet your sugar cookies
they did.
292
00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:31,050
They's coming to town tomorrow.
293
00:12:31,117 --> 00:12:34,053
But there's something
I wanted to ask you before that.
294
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:37,357
Babe, I told you, I really don't
want to sell Herbalife.
295
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:38,825
We'll give that time,
296
00:12:38,891 --> 00:12:41,327
but this is something
a little more special.
297
00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:44,497
Meg Harvey Oswald Griffin,
will you...
298
00:12:44,564 --> 00:12:48,234
Hey, hi. So, I told you
about ten minutes ago
299
00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:50,069
something's wrong with 14.
300
00:12:50,136 --> 00:12:51,671
Yep, somebody's working
on it, sir.
301
00:12:51,738 --> 00:12:53,206
KID:
Dad, what's going on?
302
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:55,141
KID 2:
This sucks. I want to go home.
303
00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:57,243
Please. My wife's out of town.
304
00:12:57,310 --> 00:13:00,446
I‐I don't know what else to do.
305
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:03,116
You have to help me.
306
00:13:03,182 --> 00:13:06,286
You have to help me right now.
307
00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:07,854
Should just be
another couple minutes.
308
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:10,056
KID 2:
Dad, Tyson spilled
fruit punch on me.
309
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:11,257
KID:
No, I didn't.
310
00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:13,459
KID 2:
Dad!
311
00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:15,528
(sighs)
312
00:13:24,170 --> 00:13:25,805
Meg, there you are.
313
00:13:25,872 --> 00:13:28,241
- Look, I wanted
to apologize and...
- No need, Mom.
314
00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:30,410
Let me show you
just how wrong you were.
315
00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:33,479
Bruce and I are engaged!
316
00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:35,281
- What?
- PETER: Engaged?
317
00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:37,917
No daughter of mine
is getting married at 18.
318
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,687
I forbid it. Forbidden!
319
00:13:51,631 --> 00:13:53,599
Peter, I'm sorry,
I'm just not okay
320
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:57,036
with our daughter marrying
someone who is clearly gay.
321
00:13:57,103 --> 00:13:58,671
You know,
you're starting to sound
322
00:13:58,738 --> 00:14:00,406
an awful lot
like your own mother.
323
00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:02,117
This isn't gonna be good
for either of them.
324
00:14:02,141 --> 00:14:03,743
Lois, let me ask you something.
325
00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:06,646
What's the best‐case scenario
for someone like Meg?
326
00:14:06,713 --> 00:14:10,183
Dying alone in a lighthouse?
Maybe Bruce changed.
327
00:14:10,249 --> 00:14:12,085
And‐and either way,
Meg's happy for once.
328
00:14:12,151 --> 00:14:13,553
I say we go with it.
329
00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:16,823
It's gonna be all right.
330
00:14:16,889 --> 00:14:18,100
No, it's not gonna be all right.
331
00:14:18,124 --> 00:14:19,301
It's never gonna
be all right again
332
00:14:19,325 --> 00:14:20,485
if they go through with this.
333
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:22,095
Peter, we got to do...
334
00:14:22,161 --> 00:14:24,273
Get a hold of yourself, woman.
She's coming downstairs.
335
00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:26,632
Well, there's the bride‐to‐be.
336
00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,634
- Oh, hey, Mom.
- Listen, Meg,
337
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:31,070
I was hoping we could
put all this behind us.
338
00:14:31,137 --> 00:14:32,739
I'd like that.
339
00:14:32,805 --> 00:14:35,742
That's better. And I'm sorry
for what I said about Bruce.
340
00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:39,412
If you love him, then your
father and I fully support it.
341
00:14:39,479 --> 00:14:41,447
Thanks, Mom.
Speaking of which,
342
00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:43,783
I'm finally gonna meet
Bruce's parents.
343
00:14:43,850 --> 00:14:45,650
Would you guys want to
come to dinner with us?
344
00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:48,454
- Oh, we'd love to come.
- Oh, thank you, Mom.
345
00:14:48,521 --> 00:14:51,090
Family hug. Bring it in.
346
00:14:51,157 --> 00:14:53,192
Seriously, you got
to bring it in.
347
00:14:54,994 --> 00:14:58,498
Oh, Meg, I haven't seen you
smile like this in a long time.
348
00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:00,967
Probably not since you were in
that music video.
349
00:15:01,033 --> 00:15:06,205
♪ Black hole sun,won't you come... ♪
350
00:15:09,142 --> 00:15:12,845
I can't believe my little girl
is getting married tomorrow.
351
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,447
Hey, hey, everybody.
352
00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:17,784
I'd like you to meet my parents
Phil and Candy Straight.
353
00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:20,420
Peter Griffin. My arms
were torn off at a concert.
354
00:15:20,486 --> 00:15:24,590
So, these two lovebirds
are gonna tie the knot.
355
00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:28,461
Yes, a heterosexual marriage,
just like you always wanted.
356
00:15:28,528 --> 00:15:31,230
And I did, too.
All of us did.
357
00:15:31,297 --> 00:15:33,132
Well, as someone
who doesn't get subtext,
358
00:15:33,199 --> 00:15:35,334
I just want to say cheers.
359
00:15:35,401 --> 00:15:37,670
You know what?
This calls for champagne.
360
00:15:37,737 --> 00:15:39,605
- Sir? Excuse me, sir?
- (snapping softly)
361
00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:41,808
Ugh, this waiter is terrible.
362
00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:43,142
Finally.
363
00:15:43,209 --> 00:15:44,811
We would like
your finest champagne
364
00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:47,747
and your longest fork
and knife, please.
365
00:15:48,815 --> 00:15:50,616
So, Phil,
what line of work you in?
366
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:53,286
Ooh, what did you order? Mind?
367
00:15:55,021 --> 00:15:57,757
(church bell rings)
368
00:15:57,824 --> 00:16:00,860
I can't believe my little girl's
getting married.
369
00:16:00,927 --> 00:16:02,295
You look beautiful, Meg.
370
00:16:02,361 --> 00:16:04,297
Really? You think so?
371
00:16:04,363 --> 00:16:08,134
Uh... uh‐huh. Y‐Yes.
372
00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:10,403
Five minutes, honey.
373
00:16:12,004 --> 00:16:14,540
The Shropnicks made it
all the way in from Colorado.
374
00:16:14,607 --> 00:16:15,842
How about that?
375
00:16:15,908 --> 00:16:18,144
("Canon in D" playing)
376
00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:24,750
Say hi to the Shropnicks.
They came a long way.
377
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:28,321
Hi, guys. Thank you so much
for coming all this way.
378
00:16:28,387 --> 00:16:31,123
From Colorado. Where we live.
379
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:35,561
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today
380
00:16:35,628 --> 00:16:40,233
to celebrate the union
of these two very special people
381
00:16:40,299 --> 00:16:42,635
on their very special day.
382
00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:44,804
(quietly) That's Jeffrey,
Bruce's longtime boyfriend.
383
00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:47,773
The priest's voice faded out
and now it'll fade back in
384
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,775
to show that he's further along
in the ceremony.
385
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:52,278
PRIEST:
...and finally, Edward Zylock.
386
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:54,547
Fallen heroes, all.
387
00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:56,082
Now, does anyone have any reason
388
00:16:56,148 --> 00:16:58,384
why these two
should not be married?
389
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:05,224
♪ ♪
390
00:17:15,101 --> 00:17:16,602
I do.
391
00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:18,337
- (all gasping)
- What?
- The bride?
392
00:17:18,404 --> 00:17:20,249
Did you park on the street?
I parked on the street.
393
00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:22,174
I'm sorry, I can't do this.
394
00:17:22,241 --> 00:17:24,243
I know you don't really want
to marry me.
395
00:17:24,310 --> 00:17:27,313
You're only doing this
to make your parents happy.
396
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:30,149
And I know...
397
00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:34,320
Well, I‐I think
I know everything.
398
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,622
What gave it away?
399
00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:38,591
When I saw you
with your parents.
400
00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:40,893
You obviously just want them
off your back.
401
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,528
Plus your iPhoto library
402
00:17:42,595 --> 00:17:45,031
is mostly guys' things
next to Comcast remotes.
403
00:17:45,097 --> 00:17:48,668
I only meet the ones
that go past the volume button.
404
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:51,537
Someone want to tell me
what the hell is going on here?
405
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:58,511
Mom, Dad, I'm gay.
406
00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,212
PETER:
(gasps) What?
407
00:18:00,279 --> 00:18:01,747
LOIS:
Peter, you knew that.
408
00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:03,182
Is this some kind of joke?
409
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:06,752
This ain't no joke, Daddy.
I like mens.
410
00:18:06,819 --> 00:18:08,854
This feels like an episode
that someone
411
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,990
would get a prize for in 1994.
412
00:18:11,057 --> 00:18:14,226
Maybe we should talk
about this another time, dear.
413
00:18:14,293 --> 00:18:16,462
No. I want to talk
about it now.
414
00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:20,032
I'm gay, and like all gay men,
it was a choice I made
415
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:23,469
when I couldn't find a table
at the high school cafeteria.
416
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:26,839
Cork up those ink pots.
We know that's not how it works.
417
00:18:26,906 --> 00:18:28,474
Everyone, thank you for coming,
418
00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:32,011
but I'm afraid there isn't
going to be a wedding today.
419
00:18:32,078 --> 00:18:33,646
Oh, yes, there is.
420
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:36,816
Jeffrey, get your pimply
little ass up here.
421
00:18:38,317 --> 00:18:41,020
Jeffrey, will you marry me?
422
00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:43,723
Oh, yes.
423
00:18:46,192 --> 00:18:48,527
Come on, Shropnicks,
we're leaving.
424
00:18:48,594 --> 00:18:52,632
Let's start
the 21‐hour drive home.
425
00:18:52,698 --> 00:18:55,635
You‐you guys can't
get married in the church.
426
00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:59,905
We don't recognize you
as... well, as people.
427
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:01,507
Ugh, fine.
428
00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:04,210
Everyone, meet us
in the Walgreens parking lot
429
00:19:04,276 --> 00:19:06,746
down the street.
430
00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:09,749
Meg, sweetie, are you okay?
431
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:12,385
You know what, Mom? I am.
432
00:19:12,451 --> 00:19:14,487
Bruce and Jeffrey
love each other.
433
00:19:14,553 --> 00:19:16,489
They deserve to be happy.
434
00:19:16,555 --> 00:19:18,391
- And so do I.
- Oh, Meg.
435
00:19:18,457 --> 00:19:20,493
Don't make this day about you.
436
00:19:20,559 --> 00:19:23,596
- Oh, Bruce.
- Oh, Jeffrey.
437
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,264
Oh...
438
00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:26,966
No, no, no, no.
439
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:28,701
No, no, no, no, no.
440
00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:30,269
No.
441
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:36,475
It's nice
that they're doing this,
442
00:19:36,542 --> 00:19:38,110
but who's gonna marry them?
443
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:40,446
By the power vested in me,
444
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:43,315
I pronounce you
husband and husband.
445
00:19:43,382 --> 00:19:45,351
You may kiss when you get home.
446
00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:46,819
Well, we just lost the prize.
447
00:19:49,955 --> 00:19:52,525
Hi, I'm Peter Griffin.
Meg's wedding took up
448
00:19:52,591 --> 00:19:54,403
a little more time than we would
have liked this week,
449
00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:55,537
so we didn't get
to do everything
450
00:19:55,561 --> 00:19:57,163
we wanted to with my hands.
451
00:19:57,229 --> 00:19:59,765
So, here's a supercut of me
having a little fun around town.
452
00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:02,234
We like it a lot.
We hope you will, too.
453
00:20:02,301 --> 00:20:04,036
(cheering, applause)
454
00:20:04,103 --> 00:20:05,838
Go, go, go!
455
00:20:05,905 --> 00:20:08,107
♪ ♪
456
00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:12,611
(grunts)
457
00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:19,819
♪ ♪
458
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:27,293
("Macarena" by Los del Río
playing, lyrics in Spanish)
459
00:20:33,532 --> 00:20:36,802
Come on, big money.
460
00:20:36,869 --> 00:20:38,304
Still $300.
461
00:20:38,370 --> 00:20:41,173
- Uh, how about T again?
- (buzzer sounds)
462
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,409
♪ ♪
463
00:20:51,550 --> 00:20:52,685
Strike.
464
00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:54,787
ANNOUNCER:
Strike three and he knew it.
35138
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