All language subtitles for Bless.This.Mess.S02E05.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[ Chickens clucking ]

Someone's up early
making breakfast.

To what do I owe the honor,my love?

Well, your beauty --

[ Bang ]Ow! Oh, my gosh!

Oh, my gosh! I just got
hot grease in my eye!

Let me see it.
I think
I burned my cornea!

Let me see.

[ Both scream ]

[ Laughs ]
[ Sobbing ]

Happy Halloween, honey!

Oh, my God. You should go lookin the mirror and see your face.

I don't need to see it.I'm getting to
feelit.

[ Laughs ][ Laughs nervously ]

I wanted to give you
a little taste

of what's on tap tonight
for Scare Night.

[ Sobbing ][ Sighs ] What's, uh --
Are you okay?

Man, that was
a good scare.

Oh, well, honey, don't --
don't you worry.

I have so much more
in store for you tonight.

O...kay.
This is just
a little taste.

Ooh.

I'm gonna give you
the platinum package, babe.

[ Chuckles ]
I see you.

Ew.I know what you like.

[ Screams ]

How did you marry
this guy?

I don't know.Oh, it's enormous!

[ Laughs ][ Laughs nervously ]

Oh, man,
we're gonna have fun.

I love you -- Ewww!Oh, okay.

[ Sobbing ]

--Captions by VITAC--

♪♪

Constance:
Mm...no tongue.

No? Okay.Don't overplay it. No.

Ooh. We got a customer.Lid me.
Oh!

[ Bell jingles ]

Hi. Do you have any bubble bath?I'm feeling very stressed.

Well,hello to you, too, Rio.Hi.

The bath stuff's over here,so what's up?
Oh, good.

On Halloween, Mike and I
have this tradition

that we always, like...

you know, we stay in,
we cook a nice meal,

and we pop open
a bottle of wine...

Ooh, that sounds nice.

...and then Mike booby-traps
the whole apartment

and scares me
all night long,

and I have to pretend
to like it.

That sounds horrible.

The thing is that in New York,
he had limitations,

you know what I mean?

It's, like,
there's only so many scares

you can squeeze into

a 200-square-foot
underground apartment.

Now, here, his possibilities
are endless,

you know what I'm saying?

We live in a haunted house,
basically.

I sure hope Mike getsthem bats out your roof.

You know, don't give him
any ideas.
Bats?

Oh, my God, I hate Halloween,and I hate scares!

Ooh,I love free samples.

Aaah![ Screams ]

Hoo-hoo!
Ha-ha!

Oh, I'm sorry.

What is wrong
with you?!

I'm glad you lifted that.
There was a fly under there.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Also, we should not be
using real cheese.

Rio, i-if you hate
being scared by Mike so much,

why don't you just
bring him here to Main Street?

I mean, I throw down
a badass Halloween bash.

I can't bail on Scare Night.I can't do it.

It's so important
to Mike.

The first time we ever metwas at a Halloween party.

Like, our first conversationwas about

how he loved to scareand how I loved being scared

and, like, how we're soyin and yang as a couple, and --

So, your entire relationship
is built on a lie?

No, it just started with oneand is maintained with one,

but otherwise, that's it.

Just talk to him.

Pull the plug
on Scare Night.

Just tell him
it's enough.

♪♪

[ Indistinct talking
on headphones]

♪♪

Beau, I just got
a, uh, suspicious --

Beau!

Aah! Oh!
Hey.

Just got a package
from The Hair Fairy.

It's addressed
to a Mr. John Bronco.

Huh? Who?Do you know anything
about that?

Gimme that.

Gonna have to return thisto Mr. Bronco.

It's obviously a mistake.

Yeah. Sure.
Simple mistake.

Honest mistake.
Yep.

Hey, uh, what --
what were you watching there?

"Outlander."

Just becauseit's Kay's favorite show, so...

Well,
that's kind of sweet.

I'm not embarrassed
that you caught me

watching a Scottishfantasy costume love show.

It's based on a book,
so it's classy.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, they do show
a lot of dude butt.

They also show just enough nip
to keep the fellas invested.

Trying to win Kay back,

so I guess you could say
I'm courting my wife.

Does she know that?

That's not how courtship works,
smart guy.

Courting is like a fog,

rolling down
from the craggy hills.

You don't even know
you're breathing it

until all of a sudden,
you're in love with it.

You know, I'm gonnacheck this "Outlander" show out

because it's addeda level of poetry to your anger

that's pretty nice.

Stay away from the barntonight, you two.I'm expecting company.

Uh, a romantic evening
with Connie?

No way.
She's got a party,

and I need to be herewith the bad teens of Bucksnort.

The bad teens
of Bucksnort?

Yeah, every Halloween,they TP the barn,

just let me have it.

In one night,I get enough bathroom tissue

to last an entire year.

Really pads
my bottom line.

[ Laughs ]

Well, as great of a life hack
as that is,

you are welcome to use
our toilet paper.

I'm not a mooch, Mike.Just stay away from the barn.

The kids'll hightail itif they get one whiff of danger.

I can't go back to twigs andleaves. I got a girlfriend now.

Got to keep my Rudy bootyfresh and fruity.

♪♪

[ Chickens clucking ]

Okay, just -- you just
talk to him and...be honest.

That's all you do.
Pretty simple.

Hi.
Hi.

Welcome to
the chicken coop.
Hi.

Oh, hi.
Look at that!

This is beautiful!

You know,
I get so distracted

by the Scare Night partof Halloween that...Yes.

...sometimes I forgetit's our anniversary!

Yeah.First night we met.

It isour --
I remember.

Megan and Josh's
big Halloween bash.Ah. Mm.

Four years ago today.

So, I do want to talk to you
about that, you know?

Um...do -- So, do you remember
the look on my face

when you jumped out of
that, uh, closet?Yaaah! Yeah.

And you were just screaming
at the top of your lungs,

and you were inches
from my nose.

How I was --
Hon,I will never forget it.

Ye--The look on your face --I just felt like,

"Oh, my gosh.This is serendipitous,"

because...
Yeah.

...you love being scared.

I could see the joy
in your eyes.

And I love to scare people.What are the odds?

Yeah, well, low.
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah.

Um, almost like
non-existent, so --

And -- And --And for that to just become

a part of our love storyis so beautiful to me.

I love our tradition.

It's -- It's our thang.

[ Shakily ] Yeah.

What's the matter?Is it that I said "thang"?

I shouldn't have said "thang."I gotta retire that.

What I'm trying to say...

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

...is...

I feel like we...

[ Sighs ]

...should...

do the best Scare Night
of all time!

[ Laughs ]
[ Chuckles ]

Wow.That was a weird tee-up.

Ah. Sorry.
Yeah, I just...You had me -- Oh!

Mmmmmmmmm!Mmmm!

[ Laughs ]
[ Laughs ]
We're so in-sync.

I did put a spiderinside those flowers.

What?

Aah! There's a spider![ Laughs ]

I like that!
I like it!

So, did you tell him?Not even close.

I knew I was gonnabreak his heart, and I was like,

"Not gonna do it.
Not this girl."

There's a new plan.

I'm gonna scare him
so bad,

he's never gonna want to doScare Night again.

Uh. Mm.

So, you're gonna chase him
around in a hockey mask?What do you mean?

You're gonna show him a
tombstone with his name on it?

I don't have timefor that weak sauce.

I'm gonna exploit
his greatest fears

and then turn them
against him.

Brandon:
How you gonna do that?

[ Scoffs ] Please.

I'm a therapist.

Touché.

[ Horn honks ]I'm 17. I don't want
to trick-or-treat with
you and Dad anymore.

Jacob! Well, bring your capein case you change your mind.

[ Groans ] Mom!I can't believe this.

Jacob, you are wearing this capewhether you like it or not.

Don't --
Okay?

The temperature's
going down.

[ Horn honks ]Hey! Stop honking!

We know you're there!

It was an accident, Kay!

It's "Mrs. Bowman" to you,okay?

And you got
a heavy hand, girl.

Can I leave, please?

Yeah, you can now.

Just one last thing.Ah -- Mom. Mom, do we --

So cute.

I don't like her.

[ Car door handle jostles ]

The -- The door's locked.

Yeah, 'cause
you're wearing a cape.

Please, I can't take it offin front of Mom.

Only babies wear capes.
Are you a baby?

If I'm a baby,
how come this?

[ Exhales sharply ]

That's really cool.

Thank you.

[ Engine starts ]

[ Rock music plays on stereo ]

Stay safe.
She's a wild one.

♪♪

♪♪

Cheese and rice, have mercy.

♪♪

Beau:Wish you would have told me

we weren't trick-or-treating
with Jacob

before I watchedmultiple seasons of "Outlander"

and rummaged through
Rio's wardrobe.

What'd you think
of the show?

Highly compelling.

Jamie's my kinda guy.

He's strong, sensitive,good listener,

very low body fat.

That's right.I like your costume.

Are you a --
you a devil person?

A big, horny sheep.

Oh, God. Horn.

A big hor-- horn --
horn s--

A bighorn -- horn sheep.
Obviously.

I suppose you think
you look like Jamie?Oh, yeah.

He's the best.He's your favorite, right?

[ Inhales deeply ]
Yeah.

Everything okay?

You know what?

You don't look
anything like Jamie.

Not one bit.

You're embarrassing
yourself.

And it's better it comes from methan from someone else.

Now, will you stand over there?
I just want to get a quick pic.

Here?
Yeah, turn around.

[ Camera clicking ]Okay, and look off
into the moors.

Yeah. Flex your jaw.

These are so you remember
not to dress like this.

You understand that,
right?

Now, spin around so your hair
gets a little lift,

and then clench
your buttocks.

What?

Clench your butt!

Okay.
Beau.

I'm gonna go home.Oh, wait.

I'm -- D-- Are you going to,
uh, Connie's party?

What? So everyone can laugh atme and tell me how dumb I look?

Someone might like it.
You don't know.

I think you should wear it
to the party.

You should wear it.
Wear it.

Good night, Kay.
I'm going home.

[ Camera clicking ]Burst.

Do the burst. How do you do
a burst function on here?

[ Duct tape ripping ]Mike: Oh, boy.

Okay.

Alright.

I can't believe
we've never thought

to have you scare me
before.

You've got a real feel
for this, don't you?

And that's coming from

the master of
scare-a-monies himself.

That's me.

[ Inhales sharply ]
Not for long.

After whatyou're about to experience,

you may never want to do
Scare Night again.

Wow.

[ Chuckles ]
I love the confidence.

It's bordering
on cockiness.

[ Glockenspiel plays
"Farmer in the Dell"]Oh. Multimedia.

Ooh! Creepy music.

An immersive experience.

I'm impressed.

Whoa, whoa.
Where are you going?

Don't you want to stay
and watch me wet my pants?

Oh, I will see you
wet your pants,

but through
Portia's piggy cam.

I'll be in the hallway,watching you.

[ Door closes ]Oh.

Alright. Sorry, babe.

This is for my own good.

[ Beep]Mike: Oh, my G--
Rio, you got to call me back.

I inherited a farm!

I-I know this is crazy,
but what do you say

we drop everything
and move to Nebraska and farm?

[ Dramatic music plays] It'll be easy.

[ Distorted ] Easy. Easy.Mm-hmm.

[ Chuckling ]
Okay. Wow.

[ Whispering ] Sorry.

Easy.

Easy.

[ Distortion grows ]
Easy.

Playing my insecurities
like a fiddle.

Using my words against me.

It's a -- It's a low blow.
It's a low blow.

But let's see
what else you got in store.

[ Knock on door ]Beau: Rudy!

Let me in!

I need to talk
to somebody,

and you're
the only person around.Oh. Hurry.

Get inside,
or you'll scare off the teens.

Man,
this better be good.

It's about Kay.

Say no more.

Few know the female mind
as well as Rudy.

She told meI looked ridiculous,

but then she told me
to go to the party.

I mean, she seemed likeshe wanted me to go,

and she was wearing a costume,so I --

Mixed messages.
Classic.

Women talk a lot.
It's very confusing.

I always just listen
to the last thing they said.

I don't know why I got divorced,but I know that I am,

because the last thing
Theresa said to me

leaving the lawyer's office was,"That's that. We're divorced."

The last thing
Kay said to me was

go to the party
and clench my butt.

My advice to you is

go to that party
and clench that butt.

Now, come on.
I got teen vandals coming.

Oh.

Woman: Thank you
for your minimum payment.

At the current rate,
your student loan debt

will be paid off
by August 31st, 2042.

Main menu...

Okay. I-I-I-I don't know
why my student loan debt is up.

Loan debt is a --
is a national emergency.

I don't -- I don't know
why you're singling me out.

[ Clatter ]

Rudy?

Beau?

Who's there?

[ Clanging, rattling ]

Hello?

Whoever that is, you do not wantto be in this house.

Mike's booby-trapped everything.

[ Floorboards creaking ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Exhales sharply ]
You're not real.

[ Rattling, clattering ]

Seriously, it's not cool,
whoever's here.

I hear you.

Why is there so many pictures
of your mom, hon?

Why's Donna on the screen, hon?

[ Eerie music plays]

No, I d-- Mnh-mnh.

Donna: You look just like me,
Rio. It's uncanny.

But if I was you,
I would marry Ethan Frankel.

I have Ethan's phone number.

He still asks about you.Mnh-mnh. Mnh, mnh, mnh,
mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh.

He's kind, making money...Oh! Honey. Honey, honey, honey.
I'm out, I'm out, I'm out.

...while Mike is
circling the drain.I don't like this, hon.
I-I-I can't unsee this.

This guy's the real deal,
got a brain like...Okay, aaaaah!

[ Donna continues indistinctly]Rio, Rio! Turn it off!
Turn it off!

Let me out of here, okay?!

Just open the --
open the door, hon.

Hon, open the door!

[ Donna continues indistinctly][ Groaning ]

Stop. Stop saying that.

His mother says he's
in the best shape of his life.Okay. Unh!

What are you still
doing with Mike?Stop, stop, stop!

Mike? Mike? Mike?Okay. No, no!

Mike? Mike?Stop saying my name!

Mike? Mike? Mike? Mike?No, no, no, no.
Okay, okay, okay.

Mike? Mike?[ Grunts ]

Mike? Mike? Mike?

[ Breathing heavily ]

Okay. Okay.

Aah!

[ Bat chitters ]

Aah! Hoo!

Mike? Mike? Mike?

Mike?Aaah!

[ Insects chirping ]

[ Clatter ]What the --

[ Screams ]

[ Both scream ]

A wet woman ghost!

[ Both screaming ]

Get that out of my face!
Get that out of my face!

Okay!

Why is your whole house
booby-trapped?!

Why are you
wearing sheets?!

Well, that's
none of your business!

Okay, fine. I'm here
to have a booty call,

and Beau
isn't even here.

Wow. Okay.Oh, you getting back together?

Lord, no. I just wanted
some doggone booty!

Okay.
Don't judge me!

I'm a woman in my prime!

Alright, fine.
Stop yelling at me.

[ Mike screams ][ Screams ]

Mike! It's Mike!

I-I taped him to a chair!

Help!
Honey?

There's a bat on my neck!Aah! Aah!

Is it real?Yes, it's real!
Why wouldn't you believe me?!

For obvious reasons!

Mike? Mike? Mike?Hang on. What do I --

What are you gonna do?[ Grunts ]

Sorry.That was for the bat.

Oh, God. He's angry.

Ah, it's angry!
Oh! Do something!

What do we do?![ Bat screeches ]

Get outta here,
you dumb bat!

And don't come back!

Mike? Mike?Oh, my God.

Mike? Mike?Oh, Kay. Kay.

Mike? Mike?

[ Projector clicks ]

[ Sighs ]

Why are you gawking?

You never seen a lady in a sheetcatch a bat bare-handed?

♪♪

Okay, the pain
is really amping up.Rio: Is it?

Yeah, and it's kinda radiating
out into my armpits.

What's your saliva situationright now?

It's excessive.
Okay.

But I haven't eaten dinner.
I don't -- Is that part of it?

Okay.
So, what does
the Internet say about that?

Um, the Internet consensusis really just, like,

it's probably fine.

Um, or you could diea painful death.

W-Wait,
those are the options?

Yeah,it's quite polarizing.

Um, is this normal?
Does that look --

Oh, God! No! That's rabies.
Rabies will kill you dead.

Let's just go to the ER.Let's go to the ER.Yeah.
No, no, no.

Hey, Rio,
that will take too long.Yes.We'll go to Lincoln.

Uh, Kay, I'd like
to go to the ER.

Hey!
Calm down, everybody!

We don't have time
for this BS, okay?

Kent's got a vaccination
in his kit.

I know it 'cause he's
a veterinarian. Let's go!

We'll get there.Okay, okay. Okay.O-O-Okay. Alright. Fine.

This is what we'll do.
We'll --

Oh, God!
It's in my mouth!

How do you live
like this?!

[ Dance music playing ]

Kay?

♪♪

Kay?

Have you seen Kay?

Oh, hey, Beau.
Hi.

No, she's not here.

You look a little tight.

Look like you're holding
a little...tension in your ass.

I don't knowwhat you're talking about.

Mrrrooow!

[ Both laugh ]

Happy Halloween, Beau.

Try some pumpkin ale,baby.

I'm good.

[ Laughs ] We're cats.

I get it.

[ Indistinct talking ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

Hey, guys?

What are we doing?

Um...we're TP'ing
this barn.

[ Exhales sharply ]What is wrong with you?

I thought you were
some dark rebel or whatever.

This is what seniors do.

How do you know
if you're a senior

when you're homeschooled?

My dad says it's a feeling
you get in your heart.

Oh.Come on!

You gotta roll this barn
if you wanna roll with me.

Well...

I know how you feel
about me disagreeing with you.

But I am not
down for this.

What?!

Now, I know that it is not cool
to care about old people,

because they're always
yelling at us

for doing cool stuff
and being awesome,

but what if --

what if the most awesome thing
we could do...

is care?

Who's with me?

Come on, guys.

Let's leave this baby
and TP someone else.

If I'm a baby,
how come this?

Rudy: Psst!How come --

Young Jacob.

What the heck
is going on?!

Oh, Mr. Rudy,
I'm so ashamed.

My friends
almost TP'd your barn.

What's the hold-up? Hit me with100 rolls of the good stuff.

What do you got?Single or double ply?Wha-- Uh...

Single or double ply?!What's a ply?!

Find out and unspoolevery last square. Go, go, go!

[ Theresa bleats ]You want meto do this?

Show no mercy.

[ Indistinct talking ]

Everybody out.
Let's go.

We came here to TP that barn,and that's what we're gonna do.

You just told us
not to do that.

Yeah.

I'm wild like that.

Young people are supposed tomess with old people.

That's what makes uscooler than them.

So, what do you saywe unspool every square

on that old fart's barn?

God, you're nuts!

I'm so into you.

I'm gonna cover you
with my hair and get lost --

Shhh.

It'll have to wait.

♪ Whoo! Hey

Let's go.

♪♪

♪ Hey, now

[ Thumping on roof,
teens laughing, shouting ]

♪ There I go

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

White gold!

Okay, thank you, Connie.
Are you okay?

Here, take that off.[ Groans ]

Here, take my bag.

Okay, you know,
the rabies vaccine

used to be pretty rough,
baby.

I mean, it was 30 shotsright into the rum tum tummer.

Oh, that's terrible.
Oh.

The new one is only four.

Thank God.
Yeah, that's better.You can get through that.

Well, I only got
the old one, baby.

Stop saying "baby,"
Kent!

I'm sorry, baby.

Are you fitto administer medicine

right now, Kent?

Oh, he's fine.
He's not driving.

Oh, yeah.
Kent's fine.

Oh, yeah, he's good,
he's good. Yeah, no, no.

Liquor before beer,
and you're ready to go, right?

Um...Kent: In the clear.

In the clear, and then --
and then shots and then beer

and then ale,
and you're --
Oh, God.

Ready to sail....ready to set sail.

And then ale and then wine,
he's fine.

Yeah.He's fine.

It's ale, then liquor,
then beer...
Yeah.

...and then it's time
for rabies shots.

I can't believe
this is my best option.

Brandon, get over here.
I need a table, baby.

Oh, my God.Oh, this is like a m--
a nightmare.

Excuse me.It's getting weirder
and weirder.

[ Grunts ]How you feeling?
You with me?

You know
this table isn't sterile?

Be honest with me --
was it a mistake

for me to watch
55 hours of "Outlander"?

No.

[ Grunts ]

Are you clenching your buttfor me?

I am.

Harder.

I don't know if I --
Okay.

No, that's all I've got.

[ Exhales shakily ]

I'm so, so sorry.

About what?
I feel likethis is all my fault.

You wouldn't be
in this situation

if it wasn't for my stupid videothat I made...

No, no, no, babe....that brought you outto that balcony and --

Hon, all is fair in love, war,
and Scare Night, okay?

But I'll just
tell you something --

I'm coming for you
next year.
Oh.

You better
watch your back,

'cause I'm gonna put you
in traction.
I-I --

I -- Mike, I don't...

I don't like Scare Night.

Wait.
Are you serious?

I'm serious as a heart attack.I hate it.

I hated it in New York,and I hate it here.

I was like, "I hopeit doesn't follow us here,"

and it did.

And then I tried
to, like, scare you

into hating it, too.

But that didn't work.I failed.

And then I failedby getting you rabies.

I hope you don't die.Honey, honey, honey.

W-Why wouldn't you
tell me that?

I didn't want to, like,ruin our story, you know?

It's like
how we met and...

Please forgive me.

Please, please forgive me.Honey, I --

No,
I-I-I can'tforgive you,

'cause that's not
our story.

What do you mean?

We met six months
beforethat Halloween party,

but you didn't
remember me,

so I just went along
with the story.

Why wouldn't you
tell me that?

I thought
you loved our story...

I -- Well --...and I didn't want
to break your heart.

I didn't wantto break
yourheart.

That's why I was holding onto the Scare Night story.

Ooooooof!

Why is that needle so big?Oh, God.

Kent?You know what?Don't look at it, honey.

It's for a cow.

[ Whispering ]
Hey, you might want to go

to a people doctor
tomorrow.

Pull up your shirt, baby.
This one goes in the stomach.

Really?
Oh, boy.

Okay.

[ Groans loudly ]

♪ La la la la la

Look, it's done!
You did it!
Oh!

Oh, no. No, no, no.

There's still
a dozen more shots.

Wait --Okay. That's okay.

[ Inhales sharply ]I love you.

I lo-- I love you.I love our story.

Wait, what isour story?

Uh, well, it was --
it was a warehouse party.

At the end of the night,
we were waiting to get cabs.

You stole my cab.[ Chuckles ]

What a jerk.Well, it's --

You looked great
getting into it.

Oh, no! No!
What?!

No, no, no!
Now youhave rabies!What?!

It can be transmitted
through saliva.

Now you'regonna
need the shots.

Oh, God,that's horrible.Oh, honey.
I just gave you rabies.

If you're gonna get rabies,this is the preferred way.

I-I wouldn't do that.

I would stop.

[ Rio and Mike smooching ]

Mmm. Mmm.Mmm. Delicious rabies.

You know what, honey?
I'm gonna be honest with you.

I'm not gonna miss all of this
crap-ola around the house.

I found a finger
in my cereal.

Not cool.

Now, th--
this wasyour costume,

but I see it's now
your daily wear?

Yeah. Kinda wonder
why I ever wore pants.

And what are we doingwith the undercarriage? Raw dog?

Yeah.
Okay.[ Toilet flushes ]

I don't know
that I need to know that.

Well,happy day after Halloween.

Oh.It's gonna bea very good year.

Double ply, oh, my.

The nightmare continues.[ Door opens ]

Yes.

[ Door closes ]

♪♪

You know what, honey?
I'm gonna be honest with you.

I'm not gonna miss all of this
crap-ola around the house.

I found a finger
in my cereal.

Not cool.

Now, th--
this wasyour costume,

but I see it's now
your daily wear?

Yeah. Kinda wonder
why I ever wore pants.

And what are we doingwith the undercarriage? Raw dog?

Yeah.
Okay.[ Toilet flushes ]

I don't know
that I need to know that.

Well,happy day after Halloween.

Oh.It's gonna bea very good year.

Double ply, oh, my.

The nightmare continues.[ Door opens ]

Yes.

[ Door closes ]

♪♪