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1
00:00:19,399 --> 00:00:22,169
Okay, by applause,
who has not been here before?
2
00:00:22,203 --> 00:00:24,271
There's no
talking during the show
3
00:00:24,305 --> 00:00:25,272
and there's no heckling.
4
00:00:25,306 --> 00:00:27,041
I don't like
doing jokes when I host,
5
00:00:27,074 --> 00:00:28,943
- so this means I have nothing.
- Is your sister a...
6
00:00:28,976 --> 00:00:30,212
Giant baby?
7
00:00:30,245 --> 00:00:31,979
I have a
lot of depression.
8
00:00:32,012 --> 00:00:33,082
Any of you 20-year-olds
9
00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:34,417
- have depression?
- My dog died
10
00:00:34,450 --> 00:00:35,917
a little while ago, yeah.
11
00:00:35,951 --> 00:00:36,918
- She had cancer.
- I don't know how long
12
00:00:36,952 --> 00:00:38,154
I've been up here.
13
00:00:38,187 --> 00:00:40,124
- Feels like forever.
- Like, it's fine.
14
00:00:40,157 --> 00:00:44,060
I know I'm weird and it's
flaws and whatnot, like...
15
00:00:44,094 --> 00:00:46,397
And my entire
night rests on you.
16
00:00:46,431 --> 00:00:49,267
I am allergic
to talking about gluten.
17
00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:51,103
I was born
on a go kart track.
18
00:00:51,137 --> 00:00:53,172
- That's why I look like this.
- I'm a potato with sad eyes!
19
00:00:53,205 --> 00:00:55,207
- Welcome to the family.
- She wanted to play doctor,
20
00:00:55,241 --> 00:00:57,244
so I made her wait for an hour
21
00:00:57,277 --> 00:00:58,111
and then told her insurance
22
00:00:58,145 --> 00:01:00,313
doesn't cover
elective procedures.
23
00:01:00,347 --> 00:01:01,481
How about
a round of applause
24
00:01:01,515 --> 00:01:03,217
- for everybody?
- Guys got a great rest
25
00:01:03,251 --> 00:01:04,185
- of the show coming your way.
- Guys, thank you so much.
26
00:01:04,218 --> 00:01:06,087
Did you guys
do anything today?
27
00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:08,956
Were you, like, at a
Jimmy Buffett concert
28
00:01:08,990 --> 00:01:10,225
before you came here?
29
00:01:10,259 --> 00:01:11,393
- What's...
- And after I text my mom
30
00:01:11,426 --> 00:01:13,961
and I was like, "Mom, I
have two gold teeth now."
31
00:01:13,995 --> 00:01:15,931
And she text back, "We'll
have to remember that
32
00:01:15,964 --> 00:01:17,600
- "when we cremate you."
- Guys, this is my job
33
00:01:17,634 --> 00:01:19,034
for the first time, it's nice.
34
00:01:19,067 --> 00:01:20,370
Good people, good
food, their accents,
35
00:01:20,403 --> 00:01:22,939
- they are disgusting.
- Every spring, my apartment
36
00:01:22,972 --> 00:01:24,908
- gets invaded by ants.
- 'Cause my brain is trying
37
00:01:24,941 --> 00:01:26,243
to get back at me, you know?
38
00:01:26,277 --> 00:01:28,045
No comic
wants to be a comic.
39
00:01:28,078 --> 00:01:30,348
We all wanted to be actors,
but crunches are hard.
40
00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:32,117
On the entertainment hierarchy,
41
00:01:32,150 --> 00:01:33,219
it's slightly above mime
42
00:01:33,252 --> 00:01:34,886
and slightly below
giving handjobs
43
00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:36,021
- under a bridge.
- Cool, all right.
44
00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:37,256
- Have a good night.
- That's it.
45
00:01:37,290 --> 00:01:38,324
Thank you so
much. You've been great.
46
00:01:38,357 --> 00:01:41,528
Goodbye.
47
00:01:41,562 --> 00:01:44,398
All right, let's keep
it going for Stevie Allen.
48
00:01:44,431 --> 00:01:45,300
Good job, buddy.
49
00:01:46,501 --> 00:01:49,036
- Did I miss it?
- No.
50
00:01:49,069 --> 00:01:52,274
All right, please
welcome Charlie Murray.
51
00:02:01,016 --> 00:02:01,884
Thank you.
52
00:02:02,886 --> 00:02:03,954
Should probably wait
till the end, though,
53
00:02:03,987 --> 00:02:05,189
I might not be very good.
54
00:02:07,191 --> 00:02:08,526
How's everyone doing tonight?
55
00:02:08,559 --> 00:02:12,897
Woo-hoo.
56
00:02:12,930 --> 00:02:15,468
Why is it that men
suddenly decide they can cook
57
00:02:15,501 --> 00:02:17,237
when it's time for a barbecue?
58
00:02:17,270 --> 00:02:19,004
When it's barbecue season,
59
00:02:19,037 --> 00:02:20,907
they suddenly become
culinary wizards,
60
00:02:20,940 --> 00:02:22,676
but stand them up in a kitchen
61
00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:26,280
and they develop some
sort of food amnesia.
62
00:02:29,451 --> 00:02:31,453
Do we have any drivers
in the house tonight?
63
00:02:33,189 --> 00:02:34,156
I just started my lessons.
64
00:02:34,190 --> 00:02:37,426
Please do not do
a bit on women drivers.
65
00:02:37,460 --> 00:02:39,529
Who says it's a
bit on women drivers?
66
00:02:39,563 --> 00:02:41,231
Oh, it's not?
67
00:02:41,265 --> 00:02:43,032
My apologies.
68
00:02:43,065 --> 00:02:43,933
Do continue.
69
00:02:46,671 --> 00:02:47,538
Thought so.
70
00:02:49,107 --> 00:02:51,310
You can move on to your
time of the month gags now.
71
00:02:53,445 --> 00:02:54,546
We're waiting.
72
00:02:54,580 --> 00:02:57,317
- Bob!
- Why don't you just quit it?
73
00:02:57,350 --> 00:02:59,619
We're here to see her
comedy, not listen to you.
74
00:02:59,653 --> 00:03:01,655
I'm here to see comedy too.
75
00:03:01,688 --> 00:03:03,391
What time does it start?
76
00:03:03,424 --> 00:03:05,293
What's your problem?
77
00:03:05,326 --> 00:03:07,461
Oh, is this part of the act?
78
00:03:07,495 --> 00:03:09,398
You're a ventriloquist,
she's the dummy?
79
00:03:09,431 --> 00:03:11,333
Tell me something, how do
you get your hand up her ass
80
00:03:11,366 --> 00:03:12,401
from all the way over there?
81
00:03:12,434 --> 00:03:13,302
Bob!
82
00:03:15,037 --> 00:03:17,105
You gonna respond, sweetheart?
83
00:03:17,140 --> 00:03:18,207
I mean, you've done
this before right?
84
00:03:18,241 --> 00:03:21,010
You know what, it's
her first time up there...
85
00:03:21,044 --> 00:03:22,579
Oh, we got a virgin!
86
00:03:22,613 --> 00:03:25,516
Well, don't worry, first time
always hurts a little bit.
87
00:03:25,549 --> 00:03:27,752
He never treats you
right, but trust me,
88
00:03:27,786 --> 00:03:29,521
one day, you'll find
the right career
89
00:03:29,554 --> 00:03:31,489
and he'll treat you much better.
90
00:03:31,523 --> 00:03:32,692
Oh, there she goes.
91
00:03:34,092 --> 00:03:34,959
Charlie, wait.
92
00:03:35,761 --> 00:03:36,729
You're a prick.
93
00:03:39,065 --> 00:03:40,434
Guilty. Whoa!
94
00:03:40,467 --> 00:03:42,369
Well, folks, that's my time.
95
00:03:42,402 --> 00:03:43,704
You've been a great crowd.
96
00:03:45,072 --> 00:03:46,474
What
was I thinking?!
97
00:03:46,507 --> 00:03:47,675
Charlie, that
guy was an asshole.
98
00:03:47,709 --> 00:03:49,344
- I'm not ready yet.
- You are!
99
00:03:49,377 --> 00:03:51,714
I don't know how to open
or close or structure.
100
00:03:51,747 --> 00:03:53,081
- Charlie!
- The second I stood
101
00:03:53,115 --> 00:03:54,350
on that stage, I froze.
102
00:03:54,383 --> 00:03:56,017
And when that guy
went at me, I ran.
103
00:03:56,050 --> 00:03:57,454
That's it, let's go,
I'm taking you out.
104
00:03:57,487 --> 00:03:59,255
No.
105
00:03:59,289 --> 00:04:00,156
Fine.
106
00:04:03,127 --> 00:04:04,395
I'm staying here tonight.
107
00:04:05,496 --> 00:04:09,033
You are the best.
108
00:04:09,066 --> 00:04:11,403
Yeah, remember that
when it's my birthday.
109
00:04:13,138 --> 00:04:15,808
Hey, customer feedback
report alert, uh-oh.
110
00:04:15,842 --> 00:04:19,746
And it reads, "The young
woman who served me,
111
00:04:19,779 --> 00:04:23,584
"I think her name was
Charlene," that would be you,
112
00:04:23,617 --> 00:04:24,752
"Did not smile.
113
00:04:24,785 --> 00:04:26,253
"I mean, is it
that hard to smile?
114
00:04:26,286 --> 00:04:27,555
"Is it? Is it?
115
00:04:27,589 --> 00:04:28,456
"Is it?"
116
00:04:28,490 --> 00:04:30,525
He actually asks
that three times.
117
00:04:32,227 --> 00:04:33,796
I mean, you see, Charlene,
118
00:04:33,829 --> 00:04:38,434
smiling is the key to
world-class customer service.
119
00:04:38,467 --> 00:04:39,436
Wouldn't you agree?
120
00:04:40,670 --> 00:04:44,508
Right, so, you think we can
see that great smile of yours?
121
00:04:46,477 --> 00:04:48,246
Boom, that's what
I'm talking about!
122
00:04:48,279 --> 00:04:49,147
Up top!
123
00:04:51,115 --> 00:04:52,551
Boom.
124
00:04:52,584 --> 00:04:54,586
Also, you keep that smile
there, by this time next year,
125
00:04:54,620 --> 00:04:58,258
you could find yourself
shift supervisor,
126
00:04:58,291 --> 00:04:59,159
like Bill over there.
127
00:04:59,192 --> 00:05:00,794
Look at him, look
how happy he is.
128
00:05:00,827 --> 00:05:02,195
Bill!
129
00:05:02,228 --> 00:05:03,497
Bill!
130
00:05:03,531 --> 00:05:04,565
Bill.
131
00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:08,503
Ah, he's working, that's, Bill!
132
00:05:08,537 --> 00:05:11,573
Anyways, looks
great, looks good.
133
00:05:23,420 --> 00:05:24,588
Need a hand?
134
00:05:25,889 --> 00:05:26,758
Thank you.
135
00:05:31,463 --> 00:05:33,566
Still gotta do this
every month, huh?
136
00:05:33,599 --> 00:05:34,467
Yep.
137
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:40,474
Here.
138
00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:41,541
Thanks.
139
00:05:44,579 --> 00:05:47,682
So I brought a
present for you.
140
00:05:51,353 --> 00:05:52,221
Okay.
141
00:05:53,355 --> 00:05:54,556
So what if it takes
you a little longer
142
00:05:54,590 --> 00:05:55,858
to get to where you wanna be?
143
00:05:58,528 --> 00:06:00,730
There's nothing wrong
with having a bit of help.
144
00:06:02,365 --> 00:06:04,168
All right,
that looks awesome, Mimi.
145
00:06:04,201 --> 00:06:05,202
- Thank you.
- No, you're welcome.
146
00:06:05,236 --> 00:06:06,270
Oh, is that a stegosaurus?
147
00:06:06,303 --> 00:06:07,638
- Mm-hm.
- Think it might be.
148
00:06:07,671 --> 00:06:09,474
Good job, guys.
149
00:06:09,508 --> 00:06:10,709
It's so cute.
150
00:06:11,943 --> 00:06:14,714
Come on, now, children, time
to get your things together.
151
00:06:16,716 --> 00:06:19,318
We need volunteers for
the event if you're free.
152
00:06:19,352 --> 00:06:20,386
- Oh, sure.
- I mean, it's nothing
153
00:06:20,419 --> 00:06:21,955
- very exciting, I'm afraid.
- Oh, that's okay.
154
00:06:21,989 --> 00:06:24,591
Just projector and
PowerPoint kind of stuff.
155
00:06:24,625 --> 00:06:25,826
Oh, I'm actually not...
156
00:06:25,859 --> 00:06:27,529
I'll put your name
on the list, then.
157
00:06:27,562 --> 00:06:28,796
Thank you so much for today.
158
00:06:28,830 --> 00:06:30,231
Okay, kids, you ready?
159
00:06:30,265 --> 00:06:31,165
Everybody ready?
160
00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:34,870
Okay, so one person's
gonna be playing defense,
161
00:06:34,904 --> 00:06:38,340
facing this way, other person
is gonna have the ball,
162
00:06:38,374 --> 00:06:41,411
pivoting, you know, taking
the ball away, okay?
163
00:06:41,444 --> 00:06:43,547
Let's see how it goes.
164
00:06:43,580 --> 00:06:44,749
Sis.
165
00:06:44,782 --> 00:06:45,650
Hey.
166
00:06:46,817 --> 00:06:47,785
How's it going?
167
00:06:47,818 --> 00:06:49,320
Good.
168
00:06:49,353 --> 00:06:50,422
How's coaching going?
169
00:06:50,455 --> 00:06:51,356
It's going great.
170
00:06:51,390 --> 00:06:52,658
So you're helping out next door?
171
00:06:52,691 --> 00:06:54,960
Yeah, it's been really nice.
172
00:06:54,993 --> 00:06:56,863
Coming to see
Mom might be nice.
173
00:06:58,698 --> 00:07:01,534
I can't figure out what to
get you for your birthday.
174
00:07:01,568 --> 00:07:02,436
Any ideas?
175
00:07:03,938 --> 00:07:04,772
I was thinking
about hiring an artist
176
00:07:04,805 --> 00:07:05,673
to come sketch us all.
177
00:07:05,706 --> 00:07:07,641
You know, one, big, happy...
178
00:07:07,675 --> 00:07:10,478
Maybe you should
be doing the comedy.
179
00:07:10,512 --> 00:07:12,847
So how'd the show go?
180
00:07:12,881 --> 00:07:13,748
Great.
181
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,455
You should get
back to your team.
182
00:07:19,488 --> 00:07:20,457
I'll see you later.
183
00:07:22,526 --> 00:07:23,393
Charlie.
184
00:07:24,962 --> 00:07:26,664
It'll suck a little
less next time.
185
00:07:26,698 --> 00:07:27,565
Okay?
186
00:07:33,772 --> 00:07:36,875
What are you so
desperate to show me?
187
00:07:40,013 --> 00:07:42,349
Why do guys do that?
188
00:07:42,382 --> 00:07:43,750
Dicks are ugly.
189
00:07:43,783 --> 00:07:44,986
You've only slept
with three guys.
190
00:07:45,019 --> 00:07:46,988
Yeah, and they
were ugly dicks.
191
00:07:47,021 --> 00:07:48,356
You think they're ugly?
192
00:07:48,389 --> 00:07:49,523
Well, not most of the time.
193
00:07:49,557 --> 00:07:53,996
Most of the time, they're
Gizmo, small, innocent,
194
00:07:54,029 --> 00:07:56,532
but when they get those
ideas in their head,
195
00:07:56,566 --> 00:07:58,001
well, that's like feeding
Gizmo at midnight,
196
00:07:58,034 --> 00:07:59,802
and you know what happens then.
197
00:08:01,704 --> 00:08:02,673
Scary Gizmo,
198
00:08:03,941 --> 00:08:07,344
ugly, veiny, ready to burst,
199
00:08:07,378 --> 00:08:10,015
but that's the only Gizmo
guys wanna send photos of.
200
00:08:11,416 --> 00:08:13,318
Oh, you just ruined my
favorite Christmas film.
201
00:08:17,590 --> 00:08:19,325
What's with this guy?
202
00:08:27,035 --> 00:08:27,902
Weird.
203
00:08:36,745 --> 00:08:37,880
There you go.
204
00:08:38,782 --> 00:08:41,618
Um, we didn't order these.
205
00:08:41,651 --> 00:08:42,585
Your friend's food.
206
00:08:42,619 --> 00:08:43,687
You waved.
207
00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:45,056
He is not my friend.
208
00:08:45,089 --> 00:08:45,990
He said he was.
209
00:08:46,023 --> 00:08:47,558
And you just believed him?
210
00:08:47,591 --> 00:08:48,459
You waved.
211
00:08:49,994 --> 00:08:52,397
We're not paying for this.
212
00:08:52,431 --> 00:08:54,466
He just walked outta
here with four donuts.
213
00:08:54,499 --> 00:08:55,801
Yeah, he did.
214
00:09:24,735 --> 00:09:26,169
We're not paying.
215
00:09:26,204 --> 00:09:28,706
Well, then my boss is
gonna take it outta my tips.
216
00:09:28,740 --> 00:09:29,974
Let's just pay.
217
00:09:30,007 --> 00:09:31,409
What?
218
00:09:31,442 --> 00:09:32,911
I'll find him and
get it back later.
219
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,161
That guy looks familiar.
220
00:09:48,562 --> 00:09:50,832
I think it's the guy
that heckled you off.
221
00:09:50,866 --> 00:09:51,733
No.
222
00:10:00,543 --> 00:10:01,778
Any room on Saturday?
223
00:10:01,811 --> 00:10:02,646
We're full.
224
00:10:02,679 --> 00:10:03,547
Sorry.
225
00:10:11,556 --> 00:10:12,924
Is that
who I think it is?
226
00:10:12,957 --> 00:10:14,125
Depends on who
you think it is.
227
00:10:14,159 --> 00:10:15,895
The guy from the other night.
228
00:10:15,928 --> 00:10:17,163
He was a big deal, wasn't he?
229
00:10:17,197 --> 00:10:18,697
Not as big as he
should have been.
230
00:10:18,731 --> 00:10:20,500
He turned down all the TV stuff.
231
00:10:20,534 --> 00:10:23,937
Just gigging two or three
hundred shows a year.
232
00:10:23,970 --> 00:10:27,041
Became sort of a
comedy urban legend.
233
00:10:27,074 --> 00:10:28,709
What do you mean?
234
00:10:28,743 --> 00:10:30,945
Well, I was in Chicago
once, this club owner said,
235
00:10:30,978 --> 00:10:33,015
"You heard about this
guy, Bobby Carpenter?
236
00:10:33,048 --> 00:10:35,751
"Heard he did a thousand
shows this year,
237
00:10:35,784 --> 00:10:37,486
"all of them different."
238
00:10:37,519 --> 00:10:38,188
Is that true?
239
00:10:38,222 --> 00:10:39,522
Those numbers?
240
00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:40,857
Every gig unique?
241
00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:44,060
Absolute fucking nonsense.
242
00:10:45,796 --> 00:10:49,600
He did gig a ton, and
his material was edgy.
243
00:10:49,633 --> 00:10:50,902
There was nothing safe about it.
244
00:10:50,936 --> 00:10:52,170
People were so desperate
245
00:10:52,205 --> 00:10:54,639
to say they'd seen
him in the flesh.
246
00:10:54,673 --> 00:10:56,843
I mean, if you knew
comedy back then,
247
00:10:56,876 --> 00:10:57,910
you knew Bob Carpenter.
248
00:10:59,579 --> 00:11:01,547
You still shouldn't let him
act the way he does in here.
249
00:11:01,581 --> 00:11:02,716
I booted him out!
250
00:11:03,984 --> 00:11:07,721
I'll be ready for him next
time, though, just you wait.
251
00:11:07,754 --> 00:11:09,023
Oh!
252
00:11:09,057 --> 00:11:12,093
Just need a little more
training, and then...
253
00:11:13,895 --> 00:11:15,097
Nah.
254
00:11:15,130 --> 00:11:15,965
Hey!
255
00:11:15,998 --> 00:11:17,132
Those people are shit!
256
00:11:17,166 --> 00:11:19,302
Anyone that's taken
that course has bombed.
257
00:11:19,336 --> 00:11:20,971
Did they at least
finish their sets?
258
00:11:21,004 --> 00:11:24,608
You wanna learn how to do
stand-up, sit there and watch,
259
00:11:24,641 --> 00:11:26,844
or better yet, get
up there and do.
260
00:11:26,878 --> 00:11:29,113
And in between, find
someone that's lived
261
00:11:29,146 --> 00:11:32,684
and breathed it all,
and scrape their brain.
262
00:11:32,718 --> 00:11:34,620
Those people people
aren't stand-ups,
263
00:11:34,653 --> 00:11:36,555
they wannabe stand-ups.
264
00:11:37,990 --> 00:11:39,726
Ah.
265
00:11:39,759 --> 00:11:40,627
Come with me.
266
00:11:41,661 --> 00:11:42,528
Come on.
267
00:11:55,911 --> 00:11:57,013
Ah, there it is.
268
00:12:08,125 --> 00:12:08,993
A single bound.
269
00:12:09,994 --> 00:12:12,298
Land on his head and
walk away unscathed.
270
00:12:12,331 --> 00:12:13,932
Look!
271
00:12:13,965 --> 00:12:17,770
Down on the ground, it's
a rat, it's a roach,
272
00:12:17,937 --> 00:12:19,838
it's Tweakerman!
273
00:12:20,105 --> 00:12:21,242
I remember that night.
274
00:12:21,275 --> 00:12:22,809
- Yes, it's Tweakerman.
- Just before he went up,
275
00:12:22,842 --> 00:12:25,379
said, "What should I
bullshit about tonight?"
276
00:12:25,413 --> 00:12:27,316
Crackheads was the first
thing that came to my mind.
277
00:12:27,349 --> 00:12:29,318
And he did it, just like that?
278
00:12:29,351 --> 00:12:30,985
Just like that.
279
00:12:32,187 --> 00:12:35,358
You think he had any formal
training or any comedy classes?
280
00:12:36,858 --> 00:12:37,993
He didn't?
281
00:12:38,026 --> 00:12:40,630
No, he'd just come in
and he listened, watched.
282
00:12:40,663 --> 00:12:42,031
He always had a notepad.
283
00:12:42,999 --> 00:12:44,168
Always observing.
284
00:12:45,869 --> 00:12:48,105
Why doesn't he
perform anymore?
285
00:12:48,138 --> 00:12:49,006
No.
286
00:13:03,090 --> 00:13:04,858
I bet you think
that's one of the perks, huh?
287
00:13:04,891 --> 00:13:08,297
Came in that night,
just went at the crowd.
288
00:13:10,299 --> 00:13:11,132
Huh?
289
00:13:11,165 --> 00:13:12,401
You wanna fuck me now?
290
00:13:12,434 --> 00:13:13,868
Come on, Darryl, come suck...
291
00:13:15,137 --> 00:13:18,107
He threw the mic at a heckler
and blinded him in one eye.
292
00:13:18,140 --> 00:13:20,143
We were shut down after that.
293
00:13:20,176 --> 00:13:21,678
Shit.
294
00:13:21,711 --> 00:13:23,113
What made him go at
the crowd like that?
295
00:13:23,146 --> 00:13:26,083
Oh, he was going
through a rough patch.
296
00:13:26,117 --> 00:13:29,020
His wife had left
him, took his kid.
297
00:13:29,053 --> 00:13:32,124
So that makes it okay for
him to act like an asshole?
298
00:13:32,157 --> 00:13:33,725
No.
299
00:13:33,759 --> 00:13:35,328
But
you still let him.
300
00:13:36,762 --> 00:13:38,432
We go back a long way.
301
00:13:38,465 --> 00:13:40,833
What do you want me to do?
302
00:14:04,094 --> 00:14:04,995
Excuse me.
303
00:14:07,064 --> 00:14:08,199
Can I borrow your pen?
304
00:14:08,233 --> 00:14:09,234
Sure.
305
00:14:11,236 --> 00:14:13,037
Have you got tickets
for the show?
306
00:14:21,948 --> 00:14:22,816
Thank you.
307
00:14:23,484 --> 00:14:25,185
She's actually not that bad.
308
00:16:01,364 --> 00:16:04,402
All the duck ponds, in all
the parks, in all the world,
309
00:16:05,235 --> 00:16:06,537
she walks into mine.
310
00:16:08,105 --> 00:16:10,242
You owe me 10 bucks.
311
00:16:10,275 --> 00:16:11,610
Mm.
312
00:16:11,643 --> 00:16:13,412
Do you think this is a joke?
313
00:16:13,445 --> 00:16:15,013
So you are
familiar with jokes?
314
00:16:15,047 --> 00:16:17,283
- Hm.
- I'm being serious.
315
00:16:17,317 --> 00:16:19,017
Call the cops, sweetheart.
316
00:16:19,051 --> 00:16:20,421
It's your word against mine.
317
00:16:24,458 --> 00:16:27,228
Are the puzzles your way
of fending off dementia?
318
00:16:28,663 --> 00:16:31,065
Drop 'em off at a
thrift store every week.
319
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:33,569
Buy 'em in the
morning, open 'em,
320
00:16:33,603 --> 00:16:35,504
take out a piece,
and then donate 'em.
321
00:16:37,072 --> 00:16:37,940
Why?
322
00:16:39,276 --> 00:16:40,644
My little way of giving back.
323
00:16:44,382 --> 00:16:47,418
Anyhoo, this is great, but if
you don't mind fucking off,
324
00:16:47,452 --> 00:16:49,152
I like this bench to myself.
325
00:16:49,186 --> 00:16:51,523
I want you to help
me put together a set.
326
00:16:52,458 --> 00:16:54,125
Wow.
327
00:16:54,158 --> 00:16:56,563
Yeah, I was wrong about you,
you're fucking hilarious.
328
00:16:56,596 --> 00:16:57,464
Why not?
329
00:16:59,332 --> 00:17:02,202
Because I've seen this movie
a dozen times, sweetheart.
330
00:17:03,404 --> 00:17:05,473
The old mentor always
dies right before the end.
331
00:17:08,242 --> 00:17:09,444
So it's a yes, right?
332
00:17:09,478 --> 00:17:13,080
Look, girl, there are two
types of people in the world:
333
00:17:13,114 --> 00:17:14,717
funny people and happy people.
334
00:17:14,751 --> 00:17:16,619
You cannot be both.
335
00:17:16,653 --> 00:17:20,223
Do yourself a favor,
go try to be happy.
336
00:17:24,395 --> 00:17:25,696
Hm, what?
337
00:17:25,729 --> 00:17:27,197
From the girl at the bar.
338
00:17:27,231 --> 00:17:28,700
It's water.
339
00:17:28,733 --> 00:17:30,702
Says it'll sober you up, you
can help her out a little.
340
00:17:31,636 --> 00:17:33,272
Could you give
her this for me?
341
00:17:43,617 --> 00:17:46,186
What do you think
about using props?
342
00:17:46,219 --> 00:17:47,322
I'm trying to
take a shit in here,
343
00:17:47,355 --> 00:17:48,423
for Christ's sake!
344
00:17:49,357 --> 00:17:51,225
I'll be waiting right outside.
345
00:17:53,061 --> 00:17:54,062
Bob!
346
00:17:54,095 --> 00:17:55,698
Stop talking to me.
347
00:17:55,731 --> 00:17:57,701
Top three tips for
writing a great opening.
348
00:17:57,734 --> 00:17:58,601
Go.
349
00:17:59,569 --> 00:18:02,306
Worst thing you can
do in an opening joke?
350
00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:06,242
Jesus, are you all right?
351
00:18:06,277 --> 00:18:08,580
Yeah, just fucking with you.
352
00:18:11,182 --> 00:18:12,351
What we've learned
is you do have
353
00:18:12,384 --> 00:18:13,618
something beating in there!
354
00:18:14,721 --> 00:18:15,588
Bob!
355
00:18:18,758 --> 00:18:21,662
That girl was in again
looking for you earlier.
356
00:18:21,695 --> 00:18:23,697
Oh, you mean my stalker?
357
00:18:23,731 --> 00:18:25,666
Mm, she just wants
some advice, Bob.
358
00:18:25,699 --> 00:18:26,601
There's no harm in it.
359
00:18:26,634 --> 00:18:28,168
The only advice I'd give her
360
00:18:28,202 --> 00:18:30,605
is to run a mile
from this shithole.
361
00:18:30,638 --> 00:18:31,473
Shame.
362
00:18:31,506 --> 00:18:32,375
She's hungry.
363
00:18:32,408 --> 00:18:34,410
Can't see her giving it up.
364
00:18:37,646 --> 00:18:39,282
Do you want any of this stuff?
365
00:18:39,316 --> 00:18:41,618
The cellar has got 40 years
worth of it down there.
366
00:18:41,651 --> 00:18:43,353
Oh, sure, I'll take it all,
367
00:18:44,489 --> 00:18:46,424
reminisce about the good times.
368
00:18:47,759 --> 00:18:49,259
I want another drink.
369
00:18:49,293 --> 00:18:50,596
You can wait.
370
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:52,431
There are other
bars, you know?!
371
00:18:52,464 --> 00:18:53,766
Fuck off to one.
372
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,235
One of these days...
373
00:19:09,451 --> 00:19:10,452
Why'd you keep that?
374
00:19:12,253 --> 00:19:14,457
You know, Bob, we've been
friends for almost 35 years.
375
00:19:14,490 --> 00:19:15,691
Here we go.
376
00:19:15,725 --> 00:19:17,125
Best
man at my wedding.
377
00:19:17,159 --> 00:19:19,161
Yeah, and look
how that turned out.
378
00:19:19,194 --> 00:19:20,163
Let me help you.
379
00:19:20,196 --> 00:19:21,432
Jesus, Dennis,
you give me this
380
00:19:21,465 --> 00:19:22,733
"let me help you"
spiel once a year.
381
00:19:22,766 --> 00:19:24,435
Give it a rest.
382
00:19:24,468 --> 00:19:27,137
You keep drinking like this,
you're gonna be dead in two.
383
00:19:27,171 --> 00:19:28,306
You wanna help someone?
384
00:19:28,339 --> 00:19:29,507
Sponsor an orphan.
385
00:19:30,675 --> 00:19:32,845
Just remember, when
that first chunk of dirt
386
00:19:32,878 --> 00:19:37,550
hits your casket, this ugly
mug will be the only one there.
387
00:19:38,552 --> 00:19:40,320
Well played, Bob.
388
00:20:31,546 --> 00:20:32,882
I'm sorry about the timing.
389
00:20:32,915 --> 00:20:34,783
I missed her birthday.
390
00:20:34,817 --> 00:20:36,285
I thought I'd bring her a...
391
00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:37,319
A gift?
392
00:20:37,353 --> 00:20:38,220
Really?
393
00:20:39,322 --> 00:20:42,826
No, Robert, we don't
want any gifts.
394
00:20:42,859 --> 00:20:44,629
We don't want your time.
395
00:20:44,662 --> 00:20:47,465
We don't wanna hear where
you've been all these years.
396
00:20:47,498 --> 00:20:48,866
We don't want anything.
397
00:20:48,900 --> 00:20:50,335
Sandy...
398
00:20:50,369 --> 00:20:52,738
Well, 20 years
of child support?
399
00:20:52,771 --> 00:20:53,839
Maybe I'd accept that.
400
00:21:44,031 --> 00:21:44,899
Hi there.
401
00:21:50,539 --> 00:21:52,774
There are other food
groups, you know?
402
00:21:53,775 --> 00:21:55,477
Not very original, is it?
403
00:21:55,510 --> 00:21:57,614
Why couldn't the washed
up comic be addicted
404
00:21:57,647 --> 00:22:00,450
to something other
than alcohol for once?
405
00:22:00,483 --> 00:22:01,819
Invent a new cliche, like,
406
00:22:03,020 --> 00:22:05,055
ooh, you could be
an adrenaline junkie
407
00:22:05,089 --> 00:22:07,558
and try, like, paragliding
or bungee jumping,
408
00:22:07,591 --> 00:22:09,628
you know, something
really, really dangerous.
409
00:22:14,667 --> 00:22:15,701
Wait.
410
00:22:17,703 --> 00:22:18,771
Did I win this one?
411
00:22:28,016 --> 00:22:30,318
What is it you think
you need help with?
412
00:22:33,489 --> 00:22:35,324
How to structure a set.
413
00:22:35,357 --> 00:22:37,092
Like, where to put
your best stuff.
414
00:22:37,126 --> 00:22:39,596
How to open, how to close.
415
00:22:39,629 --> 00:22:41,765
How to deal with
heckling assholes.
416
00:22:42,832 --> 00:22:43,868
Lots of stuff.
417
00:22:47,004 --> 00:22:48,305
It's gonna cost you.
418
00:22:49,540 --> 00:22:50,776
250 bucks a week.
419
00:22:54,079 --> 00:22:56,416
That's not a problem.
420
00:22:56,449 --> 00:22:57,617
Really?
421
00:22:57,650 --> 00:22:58,685
Really.
422
00:22:58,718 --> 00:23:00,386
Huh.
423
00:23:00,420 --> 00:23:02,089
Guess I picked the
wrong line of work.
424
00:23:03,624 --> 00:23:04,625
So?
425
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:12,434
Tomorrow afternoon, 4:00
p.m., Prospect Park, our bench.
426
00:23:13,836 --> 00:23:14,970
See you then.
427
00:23:24,047 --> 00:23:26,718
Have you noticed
any change in their appearance?
428
00:23:26,751 --> 00:23:28,553
No.
429
00:23:28,586 --> 00:23:33,592
Well, my mind always thinks
there is, but I get paranoid.
430
00:23:35,761 --> 00:23:38,631
The one in the center
on the base of your spine,
431
00:23:38,665 --> 00:23:40,133
how long has it
looked like this?
432
00:23:41,968 --> 00:23:42,902
I don't...
433
00:23:44,105 --> 00:23:45,973
I thought that might
have changed, but...
434
00:23:47,608 --> 00:23:49,711
I'm gonna send
you for an excision biopsy.
435
00:23:49,745 --> 00:23:50,645
When?
436
00:23:50,679 --> 00:23:52,080
As soon as possible.
437
00:23:52,114 --> 00:23:53,448
Why? Is it back?
438
00:23:53,482 --> 00:23:54,750
Oh, it's just
precaution, Charlene.
439
00:23:56,819 --> 00:23:58,755
We should have results
in a week or so.
440
00:24:14,206 --> 00:24:15,407
- How's it going?
- Good.
441
00:24:15,441 --> 00:24:18,778
But I can't chat long, the kids
are more hyper than normal.
442
00:24:18,811 --> 00:24:21,081
We have a guest speaker coming
in to talk about dinosaurs,
443
00:24:21,114 --> 00:24:23,750
and the kids are
counting down the days.
444
00:24:23,784 --> 00:24:24,851
That's cool.
445
00:24:24,885 --> 00:24:25,987
Found this last night.
446
00:24:27,922 --> 00:24:29,490
Where'd you find it?
447
00:24:29,524 --> 00:24:30,992
In some old
boxes in the attic.
448
00:24:31,025 --> 00:24:33,529
All Dad's best jokes
are in that book.
449
00:24:33,562 --> 00:24:34,863
And some of mine.
450
00:24:36,231 --> 00:24:40,637
"What do you get if you
cross a dinosaur with a pig?"
451
00:24:40,670 --> 00:24:41,871
Jurassic Pork.
452
00:24:44,675 --> 00:24:46,143
Do you remember me
and Dad used to perform
453
00:24:46,177 --> 00:24:48,712
for all my stuffed animals?
454
00:24:48,746 --> 00:24:51,149
- Yep.
- And then Mom used to rag
455
00:24:51,183 --> 00:24:53,819
on him for filling my
head with his pipe dreams.
456
00:24:53,852 --> 00:24:55,721
Come on, they argued.
457
00:24:55,755 --> 00:24:56,789
I get it.
458
00:24:59,725 --> 00:25:00,760
I should get back.
459
00:25:01,829 --> 00:25:02,796
Still on the clock.
460
00:25:04,898 --> 00:25:08,603
Just so you know,
it was actually Mom that found the book.
461
00:25:08,636 --> 00:25:10,772
She wanted you to have it.
462
00:25:27,058 --> 00:25:28,793
It's freezing.
463
00:25:28,826 --> 00:25:30,561
Yeah, animals still gotta eat.
464
00:25:34,733 --> 00:25:35,667
No, no, no, no, no.
465
00:25:35,701 --> 00:25:36,835
Don't feed 'em bread.
466
00:25:36,869 --> 00:25:38,137
Why?
467
00:25:38,171 --> 00:25:41,174
Stops them from getting
the proper nutrients.
468
00:25:41,207 --> 00:25:43,109
Then they get Angel
Wing and they die.
469
00:25:44,812 --> 00:25:46,614
Trust me, it's a thing.
470
00:25:50,652 --> 00:25:53,855
So, what do you think
we should start with?
471
00:25:53,889 --> 00:25:56,759
I was thinking we could
do structure first.
472
00:25:56,792 --> 00:25:58,895
Like, how to get from
one bit to the next?
473
00:25:59,795 --> 00:26:01,163
Why do you wanna do this?
474
00:26:02,733 --> 00:26:04,568
What's wrong with just
wanting to make people laugh?
475
00:26:05,370 --> 00:26:06,770
You're lonely, aren't you?
476
00:26:06,803 --> 00:26:07,906
Don't.
477
00:26:07,939 --> 00:26:08,606
That's not why you're here.
478
00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:10,008
There's nothing wrong with me,
479
00:26:10,041 --> 00:26:12,610
I just want you to
help me out with a set.
480
00:26:12,644 --> 00:26:13,779
That's it.
481
00:26:13,812 --> 00:26:14,980
Okay.
482
00:26:15,014 --> 00:26:16,015
Let's role play.
483
00:26:18,951 --> 00:26:20,587
Make me laugh.
484
00:26:20,620 --> 00:26:22,122
- What?
- Oh, my god!
485
00:26:22,155 --> 00:26:24,658
You're a comic, that's amazing.
486
00:26:24,691 --> 00:26:25,559
Make me laugh.
487
00:26:26,961 --> 00:26:28,696
- I don't...
- What, you think this
488
00:26:28,729 --> 00:26:30,197
is easy, doing this?
489
00:26:30,231 --> 00:26:33,168
A comic is judged every
12 seconds of his life.
490
00:26:33,201 --> 00:26:34,036
Her.
491
00:26:34,069 --> 00:26:35,871
Her life, I'm not a man.
492
00:26:35,904 --> 00:26:37,774
You live in a man's
world, sweetheart.
493
00:26:37,807 --> 00:26:39,042
Then I'll be sure to ask Santa
494
00:26:39,075 --> 00:26:40,810
to bring me a dick
for Christmas.
495
00:26:40,843 --> 00:26:42,712
Ask him for some
decent fucking material
496
00:26:42,745 --> 00:26:43,681
while you're at it.
497
00:26:46,884 --> 00:26:48,652
- What?
- Make me laugh!
498
00:26:50,889 --> 00:26:54,793
I find men have a really
hard time with female hormones.
499
00:26:54,826 --> 00:26:55,661
No.
500
00:26:55,695 --> 00:26:56,363
Go again.
501
00:26:58,898 --> 00:27:00,132
Just started a new diet...
502
00:27:00,166 --> 00:27:01,768
You're not fat.
503
00:27:01,802 --> 00:27:02,736
- What?
- So why the fuck
504
00:27:02,769 --> 00:27:04,204
are you on a diet?
505
00:27:04,237 --> 00:27:05,839
- Because...
- Because you think that's
506
00:27:05,872 --> 00:27:07,709
what people expect
you to talk about?
507
00:27:07,742 --> 00:27:09,811
Diets and PMS?
508
00:27:09,844 --> 00:27:12,146
Safe comedy's about as
exciting as safe sex.
509
00:27:12,180 --> 00:27:13,382
Like you can remember.
510
00:27:13,416 --> 00:27:17,387
You have no identity, no
voice.
511
00:27:17,420 --> 00:27:20,056
What is it about you that's
gonna make people listen?
512
00:27:23,159 --> 00:27:24,428
If I was still in the game,
513
00:27:24,462 --> 00:27:25,930
do you think you and
I would be writing
514
00:27:25,963 --> 00:27:27,164
about the same type of shit?
515
00:27:27,198 --> 00:27:28,265
No.
516
00:27:28,299 --> 00:27:29,166
Why not?
517
00:27:30,768 --> 00:27:31,937
Black, white.
518
00:27:31,970 --> 00:27:33,071
Vagina, dick.
519
00:27:33,105 --> 00:27:35,273
- Young, old.
- Exactly.
520
00:27:35,307 --> 00:27:36,708
I can't do stuff about being
521
00:27:36,742 --> 00:27:39,245
pulled over constantly
by cops, right?
522
00:27:39,278 --> 00:27:40,947
So you're saying
I should write
523
00:27:40,980 --> 00:27:43,984
a set about being a
young, black woman?
524
00:27:44,018 --> 00:27:46,186
That is what you are, yes,
and that will be part of it,
525
00:27:46,220 --> 00:27:49,023
but you're not the only young,
black woman doing comedy.
526
00:27:50,925 --> 00:27:53,194
There was a guy,
used to work with him
527
00:27:53,228 --> 00:27:56,732
back in the circuit in the
'90s, he only had one leg.
528
00:27:56,766 --> 00:27:58,067
He would fall on
stage every night
529
00:27:58,100 --> 00:27:59,802
with a different version
of how he lost it,
530
00:27:59,835 --> 00:28:01,070
and he would bring
the house down.
531
00:28:01,103 --> 00:28:02,205
Every night, never failed.
532
00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:04,307
This guy was so good.
533
00:28:05,842 --> 00:28:08,414
I swear to God, I was
jealous of his fucking stump.
534
00:28:09,847 --> 00:28:11,816
Okay, write this down,
this is important.
535
00:28:13,952 --> 00:28:16,055
What is unique about you?
536
00:28:17,923 --> 00:28:21,027
What is it that you can
say that nobody else can?
537
00:28:22,062 --> 00:28:24,432
Focus on your vulnerabilities,
your weaknesses.
538
00:28:26,333 --> 00:28:27,402
Who the fuck are you?
539
00:28:29,336 --> 00:28:32,874
Figure that out, then
you can tell them.
540
00:28:34,843 --> 00:28:36,344
What the fuck are
you laughing at?
541
00:28:41,017 --> 00:28:43,219
It's expensive living
in New York City.
542
00:28:43,252 --> 00:28:46,824
I saw a cardboard box in Central
Park with a sign that said,
543
00:28:46,857 --> 00:28:51,029
"Luxury one bed
apartment, $2,500 a week."
544
00:28:51,062 --> 00:28:52,197
So, obviously, I went for it,
545
00:28:52,230 --> 00:28:54,799
but I'm gonna sublet part of it.
546
00:28:54,833 --> 00:28:56,802
So that's a no to
the donating, then?
547
00:28:58,237 --> 00:28:59,105
Yeah.
548
00:29:06,079 --> 00:29:08,950
The best thing about being a
21-year-old living in New York
549
00:29:08,983 --> 00:29:10,151
with no money in the bank
550
00:29:12,086 --> 00:29:14,890
is that I'm immune
to credit card fraud.
551
00:29:14,923 --> 00:29:16,925
Can I have my guitar
back now, please?
552
00:29:18,461 --> 00:29:21,131
You like making us
think we're in control,
553
00:29:21,164 --> 00:29:22,799
but if aliens landed today,
554
00:29:22,832 --> 00:29:25,168
they'd know the real
leaders are the ones at home
555
00:29:25,201 --> 00:29:27,004
licking their balls all day
556
00:29:27,037 --> 00:29:29,039
while we're out
earning the rent.
557
00:29:31,843 --> 00:29:33,178
Thank you for your honesty.
558
00:29:39,453 --> 00:29:40,953
Good morning.
559
00:29:40,987 --> 00:29:41,888
Hey.
560
00:29:41,921 --> 00:29:42,556
What are you up to?
561
00:29:42,589 --> 00:29:44,224
Scraping brains.
562
00:29:44,258 --> 00:29:45,893
Oh.
563
00:29:45,926 --> 00:29:48,962
Well, fuck me, Dennis,
how long have I been gone?
564
00:29:48,996 --> 00:29:49,931
What?
565
00:29:49,964 --> 00:29:50,832
Come here.
566
00:29:55,938 --> 00:29:57,139
Notice anything different?
567
00:29:57,173 --> 00:29:58,941
- No.
- No?
568
00:29:58,974 --> 00:29:59,842
Nothing.
569
00:30:02,580 --> 00:30:03,447
How about now?
570
00:30:06,917 --> 00:30:08,085
Want me to sign you up?
571
00:30:10,321 --> 00:30:11,189
Nah.
572
00:30:15,260 --> 00:30:17,963
You need to enter this.
573
00:30:17,996 --> 00:30:19,400
$500?
574
00:30:19,433 --> 00:30:20,568
That's right.
575
00:30:20,601 --> 00:30:21,968
But more importantly,
you'd be playing
576
00:30:22,001 --> 00:30:23,903
Eddie's Comedy Club
in a few weeks.
577
00:30:23,937 --> 00:30:25,138
Not bad for a rookie.
578
00:30:26,106 --> 00:30:29,176
And if I win, I get
one night to open for...
579
00:30:29,210 --> 00:30:30,311
Shit.
580
00:30:30,344 --> 00:30:31,647
Tracy Johnson?
581
00:30:31,681 --> 00:30:32,914
The Tracy Johnson?
582
00:30:32,948 --> 00:30:34,149
- No.
- Yes.
583
00:30:34,182 --> 00:30:36,619
I'm never gonna be good enough
to win something like this.
584
00:30:36,652 --> 00:30:37,554
Don't worry about winning it.
585
00:30:37,588 --> 00:30:40,323
Winning a contest means shit.
586
00:30:40,356 --> 00:30:43,092
Do you know how many contests
I've won over the years?
587
00:30:43,125 --> 00:30:43,695
Me neither.
588
00:30:43,727 --> 00:30:45,195
Lost count.
589
00:30:45,229 --> 00:30:47,130
Let's just worry about getting
you back on the stage, huh?
590
00:30:47,164 --> 00:30:49,166
Right.
591
00:30:49,199 --> 00:30:50,068
Okay.
592
00:30:51,403 --> 00:30:52,337
Shit.
593
00:30:52,370 --> 00:30:54,440
Supposed to be at work.
594
00:30:54,473 --> 00:30:57,076
Can we do this tomorrow morning?
595
00:30:57,109 --> 00:30:59,245
Already counting
down the minutes.
596
00:30:59,278 --> 00:31:00,212
Money for the first week.
597
00:31:00,246 --> 00:31:01,113
See you later.
598
00:31:02,583 --> 00:31:04,384
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
599
00:31:07,087 --> 00:31:08,457
You're 10 bucks short.
600
00:31:08,490 --> 00:31:09,890
For the donuts.
601
00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:22,171
This one slides here, and
then here, and then here,
602
00:31:22,205 --> 00:31:25,108
oh, fun fact, this is
the exact same method
603
00:31:25,141 --> 00:31:26,944
they used to build
the Eiffel tower.
604
00:31:29,714 --> 00:31:31,684
I am, of course, kidding.
605
00:31:31,717 --> 00:31:33,952
And then he goes right there.
606
00:31:33,985 --> 00:31:35,153
C'est magnifique.
607
00:31:37,957 --> 00:31:39,358
- Pete.
- Yup?
608
00:31:40,326 --> 00:31:44,164
I was wondering, if
there's any available,
609
00:31:44,197 --> 00:31:47,200
if I could get some overtime.
610
00:31:48,802 --> 00:31:49,804
Yes.
611
00:31:51,005 --> 00:31:53,341
Of course, you can get
as much as you want.
612
00:31:53,374 --> 00:31:56,312
I wish there were more
like you, Charlene.
613
00:31:59,416 --> 00:32:01,752
Oh, I'm so sorry.
614
00:32:01,786 --> 00:32:02,653
Charlene.
615
00:32:05,489 --> 00:32:06,356
Please, can...
616
00:32:20,708 --> 00:32:22,609
Is that
supposed to be a bed?
617
00:32:22,643 --> 00:32:25,078
No, it's modern art.
618
00:32:25,111 --> 00:32:27,247
The Guggenheim made
an offer, actually.
619
00:32:27,281 --> 00:32:28,683
Why are you
sleeping on the floor?
620
00:32:28,717 --> 00:32:30,719
Because I loved
camping as a kid
621
00:32:30,752 --> 00:32:32,187
and it reminds me of that.
622
00:32:32,220 --> 00:32:33,522
I loved climbing
trees as a kid,
623
00:32:33,556 --> 00:32:35,624
but I don't live in
a fucking tree house.
624
00:32:37,461 --> 00:32:39,095
Huh.
625
00:32:39,128 --> 00:32:40,630
I opened for him in '91.
626
00:32:42,298 --> 00:32:43,300
He's a hell of a writer.
627
00:32:44,736 --> 00:32:47,404
Dennis said you were the
best in the city back then.
628
00:32:47,438 --> 00:32:48,639
That was Dennis's opinion.
629
00:32:50,241 --> 00:32:53,277
He also showed me the
tape of your last gig.
630
00:32:55,347 --> 00:32:56,449
Well, he shouldn't have.
631
00:32:57,349 --> 00:32:58,685
What happened?
632
00:33:02,255 --> 00:33:03,356
Did your old
man ever teach you
633
00:33:03,390 --> 00:33:04,324
how to change a light bulb?
634
00:33:04,357 --> 00:33:06,393
There's something
wrong with the switch.
635
00:33:07,596 --> 00:33:10,131
Dennis said your
wife left you and...
636
00:33:10,164 --> 00:33:13,268
And what the fuck does
that have to do with you?
637
00:33:13,301 --> 00:33:15,170
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have...
638
00:33:16,472 --> 00:33:17,339
It's fine.
639
00:33:19,208 --> 00:33:22,078
Look, being a comic, on
the road 300 nights a year,
640
00:33:22,111 --> 00:33:24,347
back and forth
across the country,
641
00:33:24,380 --> 00:33:26,651
it's a lousy way to
lead a normal life.
642
00:33:28,218 --> 00:33:29,421
So if you're thinking
you're gonna meet Mr. Right,
643
00:33:29,454 --> 00:33:32,625
settle down, and become
a comedian, forget it,
644
00:33:32,658 --> 00:33:34,359
you're gonna have to pick one.
645
00:33:34,392 --> 00:33:39,198
Now, we need to get
you ready for this,
646
00:33:39,231 --> 00:33:42,401
so tonight at Yuk Yuk's,
there is an open mic.
647
00:33:42,436 --> 00:33:43,704
Every comic is
allowed three minutes.
648
00:33:43,738 --> 00:33:45,473
You think you can manage that?
649
00:33:45,506 --> 00:33:47,107
I've been working on a bit.
650
00:33:47,140 --> 00:33:48,408
Great.
651
00:33:48,443 --> 00:33:49,310
See you later.
652
00:33:50,278 --> 00:33:51,345
Are you leaving?
653
00:33:51,379 --> 00:33:52,514
You just got here.
654
00:33:52,548 --> 00:33:53,749
I'm gonna need a tetanus shot
655
00:33:53,782 --> 00:33:56,385
if I stay in this
shithole any longer.
656
00:33:56,419 --> 00:33:58,455
Just drop by the Hyena
tomorrow morning.
657
00:33:58,488 --> 00:33:59,622
Let me know how it goes.
658
00:33:59,656 --> 00:34:02,460
Wait, you're not
coming tonight?
659
00:34:02,493 --> 00:34:04,360
Not to the first one.
660
00:34:04,394 --> 00:34:06,630
The temptation to heckle
will be too great.
661
00:34:06,664 --> 00:34:09,233
Who here works for
a living?
662
00:34:12,102 --> 00:34:13,739
You ever think about how
663
00:34:13,773 --> 00:34:15,641
we're the dominant
species on the planet,
664
00:34:15,675 --> 00:34:18,076
but we're actually the only
ones paying to be here?
665
00:34:19,646 --> 00:34:22,783
I mean, you literally cannot
exist on Earth for free.
666
00:34:24,618 --> 00:34:27,622
Unfortunately, space is also
really fucking expensive.
667
00:34:28,556 --> 00:34:31,560
And you thought, like, New York
City rents were outrageous,
668
00:34:32,428 --> 00:34:36,832
I would volunteer to be
a test subject for NASA
669
00:34:36,866 --> 00:34:39,335
if I knew I would never
have to pay another bill
670
00:34:39,368 --> 00:34:40,570
or look at my boss's face again.
671
00:34:40,604 --> 00:34:43,708
You could just catapult
me into the sun, right?
672
00:34:43,741 --> 00:34:46,677
Yeah, you'd be doing
me a favor, seriously.
673
00:34:46,711 --> 00:34:49,448
I mean, I working for
minimum wage right now
674
00:34:49,481 --> 00:34:52,518
and I gotta tell
you, it's such a rush
675
00:34:52,551 --> 00:34:54,520
at the end of the night
when you're calculating
676
00:34:54,553 --> 00:34:58,658
exactly how many hours you've
drank away on your life
677
00:34:58,691 --> 00:35:01,427
when you're paying your bar
tab at the end of the night.
678
00:35:02,596 --> 00:35:04,532
All right, thank you very much.
679
00:35:04,565 --> 00:35:05,766
You guys have been great.
680
00:35:05,799 --> 00:35:06,800
Have a good night.
681
00:35:06,834 --> 00:35:09,704
Bye-bye.
682
00:35:10,972 --> 00:35:13,375
All right, kiddo, you're up.
683
00:35:32,031 --> 00:35:33,431
So?
684
00:35:33,465 --> 00:35:35,534
How'd that first step
back on the stage feel?
685
00:35:35,568 --> 00:35:37,537
Someone did my bit
right before I went up.
686
00:35:37,571 --> 00:35:38,538
And?
687
00:35:38,572 --> 00:35:39,739
And I had nothing else,
688
00:35:39,773 --> 00:35:42,274
and I just waffled
through my entire set.
689
00:35:42,308 --> 00:35:43,511
What bit did he do?
690
00:35:43,544 --> 00:35:45,913
Some bit on being
broke and shitty jobs.
691
00:35:45,947 --> 00:35:48,883
Girl, you're at an open mic
night with a bunch of comics.
692
00:35:48,916 --> 00:35:51,620
Everybody's broke and
everybody's got a bit on it.
693
00:35:52,888 --> 00:35:55,458
Best thing about being a
comic is I don't have a boss.
694
00:35:55,491 --> 00:35:57,760
I can come into work
late, blackout drunk,
695
00:35:57,794 --> 00:35:59,562
with a gerbil's tail
hanging outta my ass,
696
00:35:59,596 --> 00:36:01,031
and nobody can say shit.
697
00:36:01,065 --> 00:36:02,600
I'm sorry, that
was inappropriate,
698
00:36:02,633 --> 00:36:03,901
and, of course, it's not true.
699
00:36:03,934 --> 00:36:05,836
I never come to work late.
700
00:36:05,869 --> 00:36:07,472
Being your own boss sounds great
701
00:36:07,505 --> 00:36:09,808
until you realize you can't
give yourself a raise.
702
00:36:09,841 --> 00:36:11,576
My Christmas bonus
to myself this year
703
00:36:11,610 --> 00:36:13,813
was a drink ticket I happened
to find in my pocket.
704
00:36:13,846 --> 00:36:14,947
Next year, I'm
hoping to find a pack
705
00:36:14,981 --> 00:36:16,381
of cigarettes on the ground,
706
00:36:16,414 --> 00:36:18,551
you know, something
I can give my kid.
707
00:36:18,584 --> 00:36:20,353
You know who else
is their own boss?
708
00:36:20,386 --> 00:36:22,589
Six-year-old girls
with lemonade stands.
709
00:36:22,623 --> 00:36:24,891
We make about the
same yearly income.
710
00:36:24,925 --> 00:36:26,961
There you go, little bit on me
711
00:36:26,995 --> 00:36:28,730
being broke from way back when.
712
00:36:28,763 --> 00:36:31,634
And still not funny!
713
00:36:31,667 --> 00:36:33,569
I thought I told you
to wait in the car.
714
00:36:34,670 --> 00:36:36,572
That's how you
deal with hecklers.
715
00:36:36,605 --> 00:36:38,440
Now, write this
down, it's important.
716
00:36:39,542 --> 00:36:41,578
Parallel writing
happens all the time,
717
00:36:42,712 --> 00:36:45,415
so you're gonna have
to learn to improvise.
718
00:36:45,449 --> 00:36:47,317
If it really is too
similar to yours,
719
00:36:47,350 --> 00:36:49,521
make sure you have something
you can fall back on.
720
00:36:49,554 --> 00:36:50,956
I had nothing else.
721
00:36:52,390 --> 00:36:53,058
Really?
722
00:36:54,425 --> 00:36:56,361
What'd you do yesterday morning?
723
00:36:56,395 --> 00:36:57,630
I got up.
724
00:36:57,664 --> 00:36:59,032
Was it funny?
725
00:36:59,065 --> 00:37:00,833
- No.
- Then what did you do?
726
00:37:00,867 --> 00:37:02,102
I brushed my teeth.
727
00:37:02,136 --> 00:37:03,537
- Was it funny?
- No.
728
00:37:03,570 --> 00:37:05,072
- Then what did you do?
- I cooked breakfast.
729
00:37:05,105 --> 00:37:06,006
Was that funny?
730
00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:07,441
It was a riot.
731
00:37:07,475 --> 00:37:08,843
The eggs did a musical
number for the sausages.
732
00:37:08,877 --> 00:37:10,578
Hey, do you wanna
be a stand-up?
733
00:37:10,612 --> 00:37:11,880
- Yes.
- Then find the funny
734
00:37:11,913 --> 00:37:13,616
in the mundane, the everyday.
735
00:37:13,649 --> 00:37:15,751
It's there, all around
you, waiting to be mined,
736
00:37:15,785 --> 00:37:17,352
but you gotta dig for it.
737
00:37:18,989 --> 00:37:20,724
Tomorrow, what are you doing?
738
00:37:20,757 --> 00:37:23,126
I'm working and
then I'm giving blood.
739
00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:24,861
Okay, everything
you do tomorrow,
740
00:37:24,896 --> 00:37:27,732
everything you see, I want
you to find the funny in it.
741
00:37:27,765 --> 00:37:28,700
Everything.
742
00:37:28,733 --> 00:37:30,668
Then get your ass to
an open mic night,
743
00:37:30,702 --> 00:37:33,572
and tell the audience how
goddamn funny your day was.
744
00:37:33,605 --> 00:37:34,740
Thus ends the lesson.
745
00:37:37,409 --> 00:37:38,078
You can go now.
746
00:37:39,679 --> 00:37:42,549
Me and the wife like our
alone time in the morning.
747
00:37:42,582 --> 00:37:43,450
Okay.
748
00:37:48,756 --> 00:37:49,624
You like her.
749
00:37:51,193 --> 00:37:52,661
You think I like you.
750
00:37:52,694 --> 00:37:54,563
What the fuck do you know?
751
00:38:29,637 --> 00:38:30,805
Charlene?
752
00:38:30,839 --> 00:38:31,974
Charlene Murray.
753
00:38:32,875 --> 00:38:34,810
Oh, my god, it is you.
754
00:38:34,843 --> 00:38:35,811
Hey, Sam.
755
00:38:35,844 --> 00:38:37,680
I prefer Samantha.
756
00:38:37,714 --> 00:38:38,815
Right.
757
00:38:38,848 --> 00:38:40,817
Wow, you look great.
758
00:38:41,751 --> 00:38:42,786
Did you put on some weight?
759
00:38:42,820 --> 00:38:44,722
You're carrying it so well.
760
00:38:44,755 --> 00:38:46,490
No more gaunt face.
761
00:38:46,524 --> 00:38:48,692
It is so good to see you.
762
00:38:48,726 --> 00:38:50,562
What, last time, I
guess, was prom, right?
763
00:38:50,595 --> 00:38:51,630
Didn't go to prom.
764
00:38:51,663 --> 00:38:52,831
Oh, yeah, no.
765
00:38:52,864 --> 00:38:54,132
Of course.
766
00:38:54,166 --> 00:38:55,601
Well, how are you, anyway?
767
00:38:55,635 --> 00:38:57,136
Oh, who are you with?
768
00:38:57,170 --> 00:39:00,740
So I have this
picture of my boyfriend with me.
769
00:39:00,773 --> 00:39:02,042
Hot, right?
770
00:39:02,075 --> 00:39:03,744
Like, way hotter than me?
771
00:39:05,045 --> 00:39:06,747
It's okay, you can say it.
772
00:39:06,780 --> 00:39:08,850
I brought it with me
to prove to anyone
773
00:39:08,883 --> 00:39:10,585
who's struggling
with their love life
774
00:39:10,618 --> 00:39:12,822
that if you have a
great personality
775
00:39:12,855 --> 00:39:14,657
and you put yourself out there,
776
00:39:14,690 --> 00:39:17,960
you can always cut a picture
of a hot guy out of a magazine
777
00:39:17,993 --> 00:39:20,630
and people will believe
he's your boyfriend.
778
00:39:20,664 --> 00:39:24,234
My last real boyfriend was
way too scared of intimacy.
779
00:39:24,267 --> 00:39:26,737
Every time I said "I love you,"
780
00:39:26,771 --> 00:39:29,941
he'd say, "Who are you, and
how'd you get into my house?"
781
00:39:31,543 --> 00:39:34,580
I saw on the news
that Hurricane Doris
782
00:39:34,613 --> 00:39:36,783
is closing in off
the coast of Florida,
783
00:39:36,816 --> 00:39:38,685
which is weird because usually
784
00:39:38,718 --> 00:39:40,620
my mom calls before she visits.
785
00:39:43,257 --> 00:39:46,861
I am terrified of having kids.
786
00:39:46,894 --> 00:39:50,232
My coworker showed me a 3D
ultrasound photo of her baby,
787
00:39:50,265 --> 00:39:51,733
and it looked like
it was on its way
788
00:39:51,766 --> 00:39:53,835
to ring the bells of Notre Dame.
789
00:39:57,306 --> 00:39:58,541
What are you doing?
790
00:39:59,842 --> 00:40:02,145
Tell you what I'm not doing,
791
00:40:02,179 --> 00:40:04,915
breathing in black mold
and getting emphysema.
792
00:40:07,252 --> 00:40:08,953
You get some laughs?
793
00:40:08,987 --> 00:40:10,221
Barely.
794
00:40:10,255 --> 00:40:12,724
I don't have 20 seconds,
let alone three minutes.
795
00:40:12,758 --> 00:40:14,226
Yeah, but it got
you writing more.
796
00:40:14,260 --> 00:40:16,595
Yeah, I guess.
797
00:40:16,629 --> 00:40:17,863
So give me the bit you did.
798
00:40:17,897 --> 00:40:20,901
It was just a bit on women
who insist on showing everyone
799
00:40:20,934 --> 00:40:23,203
an ultrasound of their babies.
800
00:40:23,236 --> 00:40:24,104
It wasn't funny.
801
00:40:25,072 --> 00:40:26,707
Then why did you say it?
802
00:40:26,741 --> 00:40:28,576
Because, I wanted
to make the point
803
00:40:28,609 --> 00:40:30,645
that while I criticize most guys
804
00:40:30,678 --> 00:40:33,081
for sending dick picks
to anyone with eyes,
805
00:40:33,115 --> 00:40:34,783
that this is no different.
806
00:40:34,816 --> 00:40:36,719
I mean, these women think
they're just showing off
807
00:40:36,753 --> 00:40:37,787
a picture of their baby,
808
00:40:37,820 --> 00:40:39,889
but what they're actually
doing is flashing
809
00:40:39,923 --> 00:40:42,826
an up close and personal
3D picture of their vagina.
810
00:40:45,963 --> 00:40:47,231
What's wrong with that?
811
00:40:48,967 --> 00:40:52,370
That was actually funnier
than the bit I did last night.
812
00:40:52,404 --> 00:40:55,141
Writing is rewriting.
813
00:40:55,174 --> 00:40:57,610
It may take you a hundred
gigs to get the bit right,
814
00:40:57,643 --> 00:40:58,945
but that's okay.
815
00:40:58,978 --> 00:41:02,049
Oh, by the way, I booked
you a spot tonight too.
816
00:41:02,082 --> 00:41:04,685
- What, but I...
- Ah, ah, ah, ah, easy.
817
00:41:04,718 --> 00:41:05,585
Breathe.
818
00:41:08,957 --> 00:41:11,926
Okay, let's assess
your first performance.
819
00:41:11,960 --> 00:41:13,696
Why do you think you bombed?
820
00:41:13,729 --> 00:41:16,031
'Cause some asshole
heckled me off stage?
821
00:41:16,065 --> 00:41:17,066
Apart from that.
822
00:41:18,667 --> 00:41:19,769
I don't know.
823
00:41:19,803 --> 00:41:20,904
Okay.
824
00:41:20,937 --> 00:41:22,672
What's the most
important joke of a set?
825
00:41:22,706 --> 00:41:23,873
The last one.
826
00:41:23,907 --> 00:41:25,109
Your last joke
doesn't do you much good
827
00:41:25,142 --> 00:41:27,345
if nobody sticks
around until the end.
828
00:41:27,378 --> 00:41:28,579
Your first?
829
00:41:28,612 --> 00:41:33,018
Bingo, which is why you
don't wanna get up on stage,
830
00:41:33,051 --> 00:41:34,987
ask how everybody's doing,
and then claim the audience
831
00:41:35,020 --> 00:41:37,190
has lost their voice
when they don't respond.
832
00:41:37,223 --> 00:41:39,993
And for God's sake, if
some asshole harasses you,
833
00:41:40,026 --> 00:41:42,295
stand your ground,
use it as a way
834
00:41:42,328 --> 00:41:43,831
to win the audience early.
835
00:41:44,732 --> 00:41:45,966
Capisce?
836
00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:47,401
Capisce.
837
00:41:47,434 --> 00:41:50,171
All right, so are we having
a good time, everyone?!
838
00:41:50,205 --> 00:41:51,272
Yes!
839
00:41:51,306 --> 00:41:52,240
You are, are you?
840
00:41:52,273 --> 00:41:53,274
Wait till you get the bill.
841
00:41:54,777 --> 00:41:56,245
Okay, enough of me
and my bad jokes.
842
00:41:56,278 --> 00:41:57,780
Let's go on with the laughter.
843
00:41:57,813 --> 00:41:58,914
Ladies and gentlemen,
844
00:41:58,948 --> 00:42:02,052
please put your hands
together for Charlie Murray!
845
00:42:02,085 --> 00:42:03,720
Someone heckles you,
846
00:42:03,754 --> 00:42:05,722
for God's sake, shut him down.
847
00:42:05,756 --> 00:42:07,091
Another fucking chick?
848
00:42:08,126 --> 00:42:08,993
Problem?
849
00:42:12,096 --> 00:42:13,999
It's okay, you can say it.
850
00:42:14,033 --> 00:42:17,002
No offense, I just think
women suck at comedy.
851
00:42:19,039 --> 00:42:21,441
And I think that if your
dick was as big as your mouth,
852
00:42:21,474 --> 00:42:22,876
you'd have a date tonight.
853
00:42:28,049 --> 00:42:30,251
Let 'em know you're
worth sticking around for.
854
00:42:30,284 --> 00:42:32,054
So for the last year,
855
00:42:32,087 --> 00:42:34,022
I've been trying to
be a better person.
856
00:42:34,056 --> 00:42:35,891
And one of the ways I
thought I could do that
857
00:42:35,924 --> 00:42:37,493
is by donating blood.
858
00:42:37,528 --> 00:42:38,961
Has anyone here ever donated?
859
00:42:40,997 --> 00:42:42,098
Good for you, that's your blood.
860
00:42:42,131 --> 00:42:43,333
Fuck sharing.
861
00:42:43,367 --> 00:42:44,902
And remember,
during your setup,
862
00:42:44,935 --> 00:42:46,904
make sure the audience
can relate to you.
863
00:42:46,937 --> 00:42:48,305
Make it personal for them.
864
00:42:48,338 --> 00:42:49,808
Build common ground.
865
00:42:49,841 --> 00:42:51,109
Well, I'm telling you now,
866
00:42:51,142 --> 00:42:53,044
everyone in here should
be donating blood.
867
00:42:53,078 --> 00:42:54,045
It's a great thing,
868
00:42:54,079 --> 00:42:57,049
and I believe it can
make a huge difference
869
00:42:57,083 --> 00:42:58,451
in allowing you to be smug
870
00:42:58,484 --> 00:43:00,186
and remind those around
you that you're nicer
871
00:43:00,219 --> 00:43:01,221
and better than them.
872
00:43:02,557 --> 00:43:05,992
I even have this sticker
as a visual reminder.
873
00:43:06,026 --> 00:43:07,862
You can actually get
hold of one of these
874
00:43:07,895 --> 00:43:09,030
without even giving blood,
875
00:43:09,063 --> 00:43:11,399
so if you have a busy schedule,
don't have the time...
876
00:43:13,469 --> 00:43:16,472
I have a stash of these in
my purse if anyone needs one.
877
00:43:16,505 --> 00:43:18,975
Try to take 'em so
far in one direction,
878
00:43:19,008 --> 00:43:22,011
that when you reverse it,
they never see it coming.
879
00:43:22,045 --> 00:43:23,313
Giving blood
can get you out of
880
00:43:23,346 --> 00:43:25,349
all kinds of
annoying situations.
881
00:43:25,382 --> 00:43:29,854
Take, for example, those
terrible, inconsiderate people,
882
00:43:31,524 --> 00:43:33,792
oh, yeah, charity workers.
883
00:43:34,560 --> 00:43:35,760
We do what we can to avoid them.
884
00:43:35,794 --> 00:43:39,999
We keep our earphones in or
pretend we don't speak English.
885
00:43:40,032 --> 00:43:43,237
And if you can make
it visual, great.
886
00:43:43,270 --> 00:43:46,140
We pretend we're deaf,
but our sign language is.
887
00:43:49,944 --> 00:43:51,880
Well, we don't know
sign language, do we?
888
00:43:51,913 --> 00:43:55,384
But you don't need any of
that when you have this.
889
00:43:55,417 --> 00:43:57,119
Stay in that zone.
890
00:43:57,153 --> 00:43:58,454
Keep the energy flowing.
891
00:43:58,487 --> 00:44:00,055
Emphasize words.
892
00:44:00,089 --> 00:44:00,957
Repeat.
893
00:44:00,991 --> 00:44:03,226
Wait, you want
me to donate money?
894
00:44:03,260 --> 00:44:06,029
Oh, I see, you're
one of those people.
895
00:44:06,062 --> 00:44:09,568
Well, as you can see,
I only donate blood.
896
00:44:09,601 --> 00:44:11,402
You know, blood,
that stuff you need
897
00:44:11,435 --> 00:44:14,039
to survive or you'll die?
898
00:44:14,072 --> 00:44:15,908
That's right, you'll die.
899
00:44:15,941 --> 00:44:18,143
Like, dead, gone, forever.
900
00:44:18,177 --> 00:44:20,480
And I just give it away,
for free, just like that.
901
00:44:22,015 --> 00:44:25,186
Can't transfuse money, folks.
902
00:44:25,219 --> 00:44:26,387
Thanks. That's my time.
903
00:44:31,026 --> 00:44:31,893
Well?
904
00:44:35,263 --> 00:44:36,131
Come on.
905
00:44:38,234 --> 00:44:39,969
It was okay, yeah.
906
00:44:40,002 --> 00:44:42,238
And if you had one criticism?
907
00:44:42,271 --> 00:44:43,541
I'm only allowed one?
908
00:44:43,575 --> 00:44:44,441
Uh.
909
00:44:46,143 --> 00:44:48,245
Okay, I'm listening.
910
00:44:49,447 --> 00:44:52,350
Don't trap yourself
behind the mic stand.
911
00:44:52,383 --> 00:44:54,085
You're hanging on to it
like it's a lifeline.
912
00:44:54,118 --> 00:44:56,455
It's not gonna save you
from drowning up there.
913
00:44:56,488 --> 00:44:58,257
Use the stage.
914
00:44:59,191 --> 00:45:00,226
Own it.
915
00:45:01,361 --> 00:45:03,964
There was a lot of potential
with what you just did.
916
00:45:05,098 --> 00:45:06,266
Now, it's time to enjoy it.
917
00:45:07,435 --> 00:45:09,136
This is supposed
to be fun, right?
918
00:45:10,471 --> 00:45:12,306
- Right.
- Right.
919
00:45:13,508 --> 00:45:16,111
Don't shy away from
the physical stuff.
920
00:45:16,144 --> 00:45:17,346
People love slapstick.
921
00:45:17,379 --> 00:45:19,449
You watch Richard
Pryor or Robin Williams
922
00:45:19,482 --> 00:45:22,051
with the sound
down, still funny.
923
00:45:24,287 --> 00:45:26,323
Comedy is more than just words.
924
00:45:29,360 --> 00:45:30,227
But you did good.
925
00:45:32,732 --> 00:45:35,668
Nice burn on Mr.
College over there.
926
00:45:35,701 --> 00:45:36,536
Thanks.
927
00:45:57,426 --> 00:45:58,360
Charlene.
928
00:46:00,062 --> 00:46:01,164
I'm here for Daniel.
929
00:46:02,566 --> 00:46:03,433
Come in.
930
00:46:11,342 --> 00:46:12,679
It's so good to see you.
931
00:46:15,113 --> 00:46:17,382
Your annual checkup
was just due, right?
932
00:46:17,416 --> 00:46:20,587
I'm sorry, I have the
dates written down.
933
00:46:20,621 --> 00:46:22,656
I wanted to call you
myself and ask, but...
934
00:46:22,690 --> 00:46:24,992
I wouldn't have answered.
935
00:46:25,025 --> 00:46:27,294
And I couldn't
deal with that again,
936
00:46:27,328 --> 00:46:29,496
another door in the
face or another...
937
00:46:29,530 --> 00:46:32,200
What does that have
to do with anything?
938
00:46:32,233 --> 00:46:36,171
I need you to understand why
I stopped trying to mend us,
939
00:46:36,204 --> 00:46:38,207
and how hard these past
two years have been
940
00:46:38,240 --> 00:46:39,442
since you cut me out.
941
00:46:39,475 --> 00:46:43,013
I found out you
cheated on my dad.
942
00:46:43,046 --> 00:46:44,749
How did you expect me to react?
943
00:46:45,616 --> 00:46:47,250
What do you want me to say?
944
00:46:47,284 --> 00:46:49,153
Your father and I,
we drifted apart.
945
00:46:49,187 --> 00:46:50,254
I fell in love with another man.
946
00:46:50,288 --> 00:46:52,725
I am sorry, but it happens.
947
00:46:52,758 --> 00:46:54,325
Well, it shouldn't.
948
00:46:54,359 --> 00:46:57,262
Please, Charlene, I just
want you back in my life.
949
00:46:57,296 --> 00:47:00,332
Like I said, I'm
here for Daniel.
950
00:47:01,501 --> 00:47:02,535
Mm.
951
00:47:02,570 --> 00:47:05,171
Well, go join the party.
952
00:47:05,205 --> 00:47:07,174
I mean, everyone's
in the basement, so.
953
00:47:19,288 --> 00:47:21,357
Okay.
954
00:47:21,391 --> 00:47:22,693
Is it funny?
955
00:47:22,726 --> 00:47:24,260
Hilarious.
956
00:47:24,293 --> 00:47:25,396
I got takeout.
957
00:47:25,429 --> 00:47:27,064
Please don't buy me food.
958
00:47:27,732 --> 00:47:29,299
It's not for you.
959
00:47:29,333 --> 00:47:31,436
How are things
with you, anyway?
960
00:47:31,469 --> 00:47:33,104
Dave still being weird?
961
00:47:33,138 --> 00:47:35,574
Dave wants us
to film ourselves.
962
00:47:35,608 --> 00:47:37,410
That's nice?
963
00:47:37,443 --> 00:47:38,612
No.
964
00:47:38,645 --> 00:47:40,546
I'm not famous enough
to have a sex tape yet.
965
00:47:40,580 --> 00:47:42,449
But it's good to
have career goals.
966
00:47:44,251 --> 00:47:45,419
What is this?
967
00:47:45,452 --> 00:47:48,690
It's my LA yogi bit.
968
00:47:51,492 --> 00:47:52,460
Nice.
969
00:47:53,729 --> 00:47:55,865
People love physical comedy.
970
00:47:55,899 --> 00:47:57,700
It's about more
than just the words.
971
00:47:59,301 --> 00:48:00,537
He tell you that?
972
00:48:00,571 --> 00:48:02,272
Yeah.
973
00:48:02,305 --> 00:48:03,707
There must be a thousand
other comics in this city,
974
00:48:03,741 --> 00:48:05,241
I don't know why you
asked him for help.
975
00:48:05,275 --> 00:48:07,646
He's not as big of a
jerk as he pretends to be.
976
00:48:07,679 --> 00:48:09,213
Hm.
977
00:48:09,246 --> 00:48:10,147
What?
978
00:48:11,449 --> 00:48:12,451
I know you miss your dad...
979
00:48:12,484 --> 00:48:14,386
That's not what this is about.
980
00:48:15,420 --> 00:48:16,589
Okay.
981
00:48:16,622 --> 00:48:18,892
Well, I'll leave you
to your research, then.
982
00:48:18,926 --> 00:48:19,793
Kim.
983
00:48:25,466 --> 00:48:26,333
I think,
984
00:48:27,569 --> 00:48:28,770
I think maybe,
985
00:48:30,371 --> 00:48:32,207
maybe you should do the tape.
986
00:48:33,475 --> 00:48:34,877
There's porn
awards these
987
00:48:34,910 --> 00:48:36,110
days. You could win a Porny.
988
00:48:36,746 --> 00:48:38,180
Okay.
989
00:48:38,214 --> 00:48:38,882
Bye.
990
00:48:40,516 --> 00:48:41,751
And the
brachiosaurus was the tallest
991
00:48:41,785 --> 00:48:44,387
of all the dinosaurs
in the Jurassic period.
992
00:48:44,421 --> 00:48:48,392
It was as tall as
993
00:48:49,895 --> 00:48:51,830
four school buses.
994
00:48:51,864 --> 00:48:53,164
Next slide, please.
995
00:48:56,636 --> 00:48:57,904
Hm?
996
00:49:00,975 --> 00:49:02,442
What
have you done?
997
00:49:02,475 --> 00:49:04,410
I don't know.
998
00:49:04,444 --> 00:49:05,846
Oh, I'm so sorry.
999
00:49:07,381 --> 00:49:08,249
It's dead.
1000
00:49:10,251 --> 00:49:15,190
You mean, extinct,
kinda like the dinosaurs.
1001
00:49:15,591 --> 00:49:16,759
Appropriate, no?
1002
00:49:19,663 --> 00:49:22,599
- I'm so sorry.
- Does anyone here have kids?
1003
00:49:24,501 --> 00:49:28,706
Why?!
1004
00:49:28,740 --> 00:49:31,610
Was it really a meteorite
that killed the dinosaurs?
1005
00:49:33,612 --> 00:49:35,113
Roar.
1006
00:49:36,214 --> 00:49:38,083
I'm just saying, it
could have been a bunch
1007
00:49:38,117 --> 00:49:39,318
of critical eight-year-olds
1008
00:49:39,351 --> 00:49:41,688
because they're
fucking terrifying.
1009
00:49:41,721 --> 00:49:43,991
That's not what
a T-Rex looks like.
1010
00:50:01,244 --> 00:50:03,047
I'll be honest,
I haven't spent
1011
00:50:03,079 --> 00:50:04,014
much time around dinosaurs,
1012
00:50:04,048 --> 00:50:06,149
and so that impression
was pretty shitty,
1013
00:50:06,182 --> 00:50:07,719
and it did not go unnoticed.
1014
00:50:09,654 --> 00:50:11,555
I gotta say, I really
feel for the T-Rex
1015
00:50:11,590 --> 00:50:13,759
that's not so good
with the ladies
1016
00:50:13,793 --> 00:50:17,763
because masturbation is
clearly not an option.
1017
00:50:25,572 --> 00:50:26,808
I would just like to point out
1018
00:50:26,841 --> 00:50:28,776
I did not do that
bit for the kids.
1019
00:50:31,080 --> 00:50:32,047
Thank you so much, guys.
1020
00:50:32,081 --> 00:50:33,281
You've been awesome.
1021
00:50:34,950 --> 00:50:38,655
It was a heart attack,
but it was painless.
1022
00:50:38,688 --> 00:50:39,889
Pain-free?
1023
00:50:39,923 --> 00:50:41,591
No.
1024
00:50:41,625 --> 00:50:48,800
It was painless and fast?
1025
00:50:49,500 --> 00:50:50,368
No.
1026
00:50:51,603 --> 00:50:54,439
The doctor said it was quick,
which is good thing, right,
1027
00:50:54,473 --> 00:50:56,375
which is amazing, apparently.
1028
00:50:57,509 --> 00:50:58,543
Hello?
1029
00:50:58,577 --> 00:50:59,779
You're supposed
to be helping me.
1030
00:51:00,881 --> 00:51:02,448
Sorry, I'm just...
1031
00:51:04,652 --> 00:51:06,420
Are you sure you wanna go there?
1032
00:51:08,589 --> 00:51:09,991
I think he'd appreciate it.
1033
00:51:14,462 --> 00:51:15,965
But I didn't wanna
hear it was quick
1034
00:51:15,998 --> 00:51:18,567
'cause that sounds too
much like quitting.
1035
00:51:19,803 --> 00:51:21,605
No, it's...
1036
00:51:25,610 --> 00:51:28,378
That's... that's
some weak-ass bullshit.
1037
00:51:28,412 --> 00:51:31,050
I mean, man up, show some fight.
1038
00:51:35,621 --> 00:51:36,656
Hello?
1039
00:51:37,724 --> 00:51:38,625
This is Charlene.
1040
00:51:41,061 --> 00:51:41,928
Really?
1041
00:51:44,665 --> 00:51:45,866
Can't I get them any sooner?
1042
00:51:49,771 --> 00:51:50,639
Okay.
1043
00:51:52,674 --> 00:51:53,541
Yeah.
1044
00:51:56,012 --> 00:51:56,913
I'll see you then.
1045
00:52:01,484 --> 00:52:02,585
Biopsy results?
1046
00:52:04,420 --> 00:52:06,157
I can't get them
till next week.
1047
00:52:06,191 --> 00:52:07,458
It'll be fine.
1048
00:52:08,727 --> 00:52:09,761
I hate the waiting.
1049
00:52:11,062 --> 00:52:13,398
I'm so fucking paranoid.
1050
00:52:21,641 --> 00:52:24,010
This used to be a perfectly
respectable greasy spoon,
1051
00:52:24,044 --> 00:52:24,912
now look at it.
1052
00:52:27,014 --> 00:52:28,750
Fucking gentrification, huh?
1053
00:52:32,921 --> 00:52:34,156
The hell's the matter with you?
1054
00:52:35,758 --> 00:52:36,626
Nothing.
1055
00:52:40,230 --> 00:52:42,133
Go on, cancer, you
know you want to.
1056
00:52:47,270 --> 00:52:49,440
Jerry Garcia's idiot brother.
1057
00:52:52,376 --> 00:52:56,149
Thailand, so bad, young
women will actually
1058
00:52:56,182 --> 00:52:57,850
fuck a corpse to get out.
1059
00:52:59,584 --> 00:53:02,256
Why are you judging
everybody that walks by?
1060
00:53:02,288 --> 00:53:04,258
I'm not judging,
I'm analyzing.
1061
00:53:04,290 --> 00:53:06,593
No, you're
judging and mocking.
1062
00:53:06,628 --> 00:53:07,929
You know, being your usual self.
1063
00:53:07,962 --> 00:53:10,064
I'm analyzing, and
you'll do it too.
1064
00:53:10,098 --> 00:53:12,066
- No, I won't.
- Yes, you will,
1065
00:53:12,101 --> 00:53:14,770
because you're gonna be on
stage one night prancing around
1066
00:53:14,804 --> 00:53:16,205
and you're gonna forget
what you were gonna say,
1067
00:53:16,238 --> 00:53:18,108
so you'll go with the front row.
1068
00:53:18,141 --> 00:53:19,575
You'll work someone for a laugh.
1069
00:53:19,608 --> 00:53:21,278
So the next person
who walks by here,
1070
00:53:21,310 --> 00:53:22,946
I want you to analyze 'em.
1071
00:53:22,979 --> 00:53:24,148
You mean judge.
1072
00:53:24,715 --> 00:53:26,117
They can't hear us.
1073
00:53:26,150 --> 00:53:27,285
And
that makes it okay?
1074
00:53:27,317 --> 00:53:28,252
Just do it.
1075
00:53:32,124 --> 00:53:36,963
Is an excellent mother,
will be a future doctor,
1076
00:53:36,996 --> 00:53:39,699
nominee for father of the year.
1077
00:53:39,732 --> 00:53:40,767
There.
1078
00:53:41,734 --> 00:53:42,602
What's up?
1079
00:53:43,804 --> 00:53:46,240
I just have a lot
going on right now.
1080
00:53:46,273 --> 00:53:47,875
You and everybody else.
1081
00:53:49,044 --> 00:53:50,779
Look, I booked you
in at Yuk Yuk's.
1082
00:53:50,812 --> 00:53:53,215
I'm not going on tonight.
1083
00:53:53,248 --> 00:53:55,685
Oh, you're one of those
fair-weather writers, huh?
1084
00:53:55,718 --> 00:53:57,620
Leave it at the door?
1085
00:53:57,653 --> 00:54:00,057
Make the stage your happy place.
1086
00:54:00,090 --> 00:54:02,826
Work your shit out up there.
1087
00:54:02,860 --> 00:54:04,594
All right,
folks, before we bring
1088
00:54:04,628 --> 00:54:06,396
our next act to the stage,
1089
00:54:06,430 --> 00:54:08,532
I just wanna take a moment
to send some love out
1090
00:54:08,565 --> 00:54:10,802
to the bar staff
here at Yuk Yuk's.
1091
00:54:10,835 --> 00:54:14,673
Andy, Kelly, Miranda,
you guys are awesome
1092
00:54:14,707 --> 00:54:16,642
and you make me wish
I had a real job
1093
00:54:16,675 --> 00:54:18,845
- so I could tip you better.
- Do us all a favor,
1094
00:54:18,879 --> 00:54:20,213
try smiling sometime.
1095
00:54:20,247 --> 00:54:21,513
It's almost
New Year's Eve
1096
00:54:21,547 --> 00:54:23,449
and the tickets for our annual
1097
00:54:23,482 --> 00:54:26,553
comedy spectacular
are selling out fast.
1098
00:54:26,586 --> 00:54:29,522
Trust me, you don't
wanna miss it.
1099
00:54:29,556 --> 00:54:31,492
Now, back to the comedy.
1100
00:54:31,525 --> 00:54:34,595
Your next performer is
a very funny young lady.
1101
00:54:34,630 --> 00:54:39,002
Please welcome to the
stage, Charlie Murray!
1102
00:54:42,840 --> 00:54:43,707
Evening.
1103
00:54:44,708 --> 00:54:48,512
Some guy just told me I
should try smiling more.
1104
00:54:49,613 --> 00:54:50,614
Yeah, I know.
1105
00:54:50,649 --> 00:54:52,449
That happen to any other women?
1106
00:54:53,385 --> 00:54:56,923
Yeah, hey, fucking
annoying, right?
1107
00:54:56,956 --> 00:54:59,759
"Smiling is the key to
good customer service."
1108
00:54:59,792 --> 00:55:02,495
"Oh, you're so much
prettier when you smile."
1109
00:55:02,528 --> 00:55:03,764
"Hey, if you smiled more,
1110
00:55:03,797 --> 00:55:05,732
"it would really
bring out your tits."
1111
00:55:08,069 --> 00:55:10,705
I bet men think that
if all of the women
1112
00:55:10,738 --> 00:55:14,677
in the world smiled in unison,
we'd cure fucking cancer.
1113
00:55:16,577 --> 00:55:19,983
So anyway, some more about me:
1114
00:55:20,016 --> 00:55:24,922
I'm 21, love movies,
enjoy eating takeout,
1115
00:55:24,956 --> 00:55:28,591
my dad died of a massive
heart attack two years ago,
1116
00:55:28,625 --> 00:55:30,696
love dogs, long walks.
1117
00:55:32,397 --> 00:55:33,665
What?
1118
00:55:33,699 --> 00:55:34,933
Who doesn't love dogs?
1119
00:55:36,402 --> 00:55:39,604
Oh, you mean about my dad dying!
1120
00:55:39,639 --> 00:55:41,506
That's all good, don't
worry about that.
1121
00:55:41,540 --> 00:55:42,776
The doctor said it
happened pretty quickly,
1122
00:55:42,810 --> 00:55:45,779
which is a good
thing, apparently.
1123
00:55:45,813 --> 00:55:48,016
Although, I have to be honest,
1124
00:55:48,049 --> 00:55:50,752
I was a little disappointed
when I heard that.
1125
00:55:50,785 --> 00:55:53,620
I mean, my dad always taught
me never to be a quitter.
1126
00:55:53,655 --> 00:55:56,058
And then his heart just
craps out just like that,
1127
00:55:56,092 --> 00:55:58,394
like in a matter of seconds.
1128
00:55:58,427 --> 00:56:00,831
That's some weak-ass bullshit!
1129
00:56:02,099 --> 00:56:04,701
I wanted to hear about
some sort of, like,
1130
00:56:04,735 --> 00:56:08,806
seven-day long new world
record of a heart attack
1131
00:56:08,840 --> 00:56:11,541
where his heart was
trying to crap out
1132
00:56:11,575 --> 00:56:13,045
and then his brain
just wouldn't let it.
1133
00:56:13,078 --> 00:56:16,682
Like, Heart: "I'm done."
1134
00:56:16,715 --> 00:56:19,618
Brain: "You're not
going anywhere."
1135
00:56:19,652 --> 00:56:20,887
"What's the point anymore?
1136
00:56:20,920 --> 00:56:24,458
"All the best food's
bad for me, anyway."
1137
00:56:24,492 --> 00:56:26,994
"Who is gonna pump all
the blood without you?"
1138
00:56:27,028 --> 00:56:27,928
"Beats me.
1139
00:56:27,962 --> 00:56:29,130
"Why don't you ask the appendix
1140
00:56:29,163 --> 00:56:31,066
"to do some fucking
work for once?"
1141
00:56:35,636 --> 00:56:36,506
Thank you.
1142
00:56:41,711 --> 00:56:42,713
Hey.
1143
00:56:45,115 --> 00:56:45,983
What?
1144
00:56:48,486 --> 00:56:49,354
Here.
1145
00:56:51,523 --> 00:56:52,390
What's wrong?
1146
00:56:55,027 --> 00:56:58,030
I took the cash
in, like you asked.
1147
00:56:58,064 --> 00:56:59,564
She gave it all back.
1148
00:57:09,944 --> 00:57:13,715
And she gave me that.
1149
00:57:17,052 --> 00:57:17,921
I'm sorry.
1150
00:57:20,657 --> 00:57:21,758
Can you blame her?
1151
00:57:23,193 --> 00:57:24,627
No, I don't, Bob.
1152
00:57:31,002 --> 00:57:32,437
How's the girl?
1153
00:57:32,471 --> 00:57:33,138
Charlie.
1154
00:57:35,674 --> 00:57:36,876
I like her.
1155
00:57:36,909 --> 00:57:38,511
I know you do.
1156
00:57:38,544 --> 00:57:42,716
Just not the way she reminds
you how you fucked up.
1157
00:57:42,749 --> 00:57:43,784
I get it.
1158
00:57:56,832 --> 00:57:57,867
Toss it.
1159
00:57:59,535 --> 00:58:00,537
You mean, out?
1160
00:58:13,252 --> 00:58:14,953
Horses.
1161
00:58:14,987 --> 00:58:17,122
You think you know someone...
1162
00:58:17,156 --> 00:58:18,657
Hey.
1163
00:58:18,691 --> 00:58:19,559
You made it.
1164
00:58:20,693 --> 00:58:22,595
So
is this like a job
1165
00:58:22,629 --> 00:58:24,865
or volunteering for pleasure?
1166
00:58:24,899 --> 00:58:25,766
And is that manure?
1167
00:58:27,568 --> 00:58:29,971
What brings a man more
pleasure than shoveling shit?
1168
00:58:30,005 --> 00:58:31,673
So
you do have a job.
1169
00:58:31,706 --> 00:58:33,775
If I didn't have a job,
Dennis would be out of business.
1170
00:58:33,808 --> 00:58:35,878
And we'd have never met.
1171
00:58:35,912 --> 00:58:38,214
Oh, so it's all
your fault, huh?
1172
00:58:39,916 --> 00:58:41,050
- Can I?
- Yeah.
1173
00:58:46,156 --> 00:58:47,691
My daughter loves horses.
1174
00:58:48,960 --> 00:58:50,228
I used to bring her here.
1175
00:58:51,930 --> 00:58:52,897
Between tours, I mean.
1176
00:58:54,200 --> 00:58:57,369
When she was little,
I'd lift her up,
1177
00:58:57,970 --> 00:59:00,974
she'd rest her head against
their necks, feel 'em breathing.
1178
00:59:04,211 --> 00:59:05,512
Do you see her much?
1179
00:59:07,381 --> 00:59:08,716
My daughter?
1180
00:59:10,551 --> 00:59:12,221
I see her every day.
1181
00:59:20,396 --> 00:59:21,898
She's beautiful.
1182
00:59:22,065 --> 00:59:23,701
Are you sure she's yours?
1183
00:59:29,607 --> 00:59:30,842
I really fucked things up.
1184
00:59:32,611 --> 00:59:35,313
I reach out to her, I
have over the years,
1185
00:59:36,882 --> 00:59:38,584
she's not ready to forgive me.
1186
00:59:41,788 --> 00:59:42,990
Maybe she never will be.
1187
00:59:50,131 --> 00:59:53,635
So, you thirsty, Charlene?
1188
00:59:53,668 --> 00:59:54,870
What did you just call me?
1189
00:59:54,903 --> 00:59:55,871
It's your name, isn't it?
1190
00:59:55,904 --> 00:59:59,108
If we're doing names
now, I prefer Charlie.
1191
01:00:00,910 --> 01:00:03,880
Well, Charlie, I
could use a drink.
1192
01:00:04,981 --> 01:00:05,850
Come on.
1193
01:00:13,892 --> 01:00:14,926
That's Buddy.
1194
01:00:14,960 --> 01:00:18,931
Hey, Bud.
1195
01:00:26,974 --> 01:00:28,008
Water?
1196
01:00:28,042 --> 01:00:30,345
You know you can
actually drink this stuff?
1197
01:00:30,378 --> 01:00:31,246
I mean, who knew?
1198
01:00:34,215 --> 01:00:35,918
That thing must be
practically full,
1199
01:00:35,951 --> 01:00:37,153
the amount you scribble in it.
1200
01:00:37,186 --> 01:00:38,988
Yeah.
1201
01:00:39,021 --> 01:00:40,022
Mind if I take a look?
1202
01:00:46,698 --> 01:00:47,631
Christ.
1203
01:00:48,433 --> 01:00:49,334
It's loaded.
1204
01:00:50,335 --> 01:00:51,336
It's not all mine.
1205
01:00:52,337 --> 01:00:54,006
That was my dad's notebook.
1206
01:00:54,973 --> 01:00:57,443
"A dyslexic walks into a bra."
1207
01:00:57,476 --> 01:00:59,378
Classic.
1208
01:00:59,411 --> 01:01:00,914
He loved that joke.
1209
01:01:02,282 --> 01:01:03,350
Your dad's a comic?
1210
01:01:04,384 --> 01:01:06,020
He wanted to be.
1211
01:01:06,053 --> 01:01:06,987
Hm.
1212
01:01:07,021 --> 01:01:07,955
My mom wouldn't have it.
1213
01:01:09,323 --> 01:01:12,127
There was me and
Daniel and a mortgage.
1214
01:01:12,160 --> 01:01:14,329
She wanted him to
get a real job.
1215
01:01:14,363 --> 01:01:15,864
Smart lady.
1216
01:01:18,000 --> 01:01:19,869
Well, people get into
it late these days.
1217
01:01:19,902 --> 01:01:21,204
- Maybe your dad...
- He's dead.
1218
01:01:22,205 --> 01:01:23,907
Huh.
1219
01:01:23,941 --> 01:01:27,044
- Well, that would...
- Make it difficult, yeah.
1220
01:01:32,150 --> 01:01:34,152
You asked me why I
wanted to do this...
1221
01:01:35,353 --> 01:01:37,123
You can't do it
for him, Charlie.
1222
01:01:38,991 --> 01:01:40,025
I'm not anymore.
1223
01:01:40,960 --> 01:01:42,295
I'm doing this for me.
1224
01:01:44,498 --> 01:01:47,033
So, where's your
mom in all this?
1225
01:01:48,102 --> 01:01:49,137
I don't know.
1226
01:01:49,170 --> 01:01:50,905
I don't really care.
1227
01:01:50,938 --> 01:01:53,040
I take it the two
of you are not close.
1228
01:01:53,074 --> 01:01:54,276
Haven't been
in a couple of years.
1229
01:01:54,309 --> 01:01:55,177
Why not?
1230
01:01:56,345 --> 01:01:59,750
She cheated on my dad.
1231
01:02:00,984 --> 01:02:01,886
They divorced.
1232
01:02:03,052 --> 01:02:06,090
It was a stressful time
and he had a heart attack.
1233
01:02:07,558 --> 01:02:08,426
I'm sorry.
1234
01:02:11,898 --> 01:02:13,398
But don't be too
hard on your mom.
1235
01:02:15,534 --> 01:02:19,873
Parents are human, we
do the best we can.
1236
01:02:19,907 --> 01:02:21,842
Sometimes, it
still isn't enough.
1237
01:02:23,342 --> 01:02:25,045
Just don't let it go too long.
1238
01:02:25,780 --> 01:02:27,749
Trust me, you'll regret it.
1239
01:02:36,058 --> 01:02:39,428
Well, this is a
fun conversation.
1240
01:02:39,462 --> 01:02:42,132
Hey, misery loves comedy.
1241
01:02:42,966 --> 01:02:46,603
You show me a happy comedian,
I'll show you a liar.
1242
01:02:54,546 --> 01:02:55,414
Charlene.
1243
01:02:56,348 --> 01:02:57,216
Come in.
1244
01:03:03,389 --> 01:03:05,058
So how's work?
1245
01:03:06,260 --> 01:03:07,929
It's been fine.
1246
01:03:07,963 --> 01:03:09,530
Daniel told me
you have a show.
1247
01:03:10,598 --> 01:03:14,169
Yeah, it's this contest thing.
1248
01:03:14,202 --> 01:03:16,571
Well, I'd like to
come, if you don't mind.
1249
01:03:16,605 --> 01:03:17,506
You don't have to.
1250
01:03:17,539 --> 01:03:18,541
I know it's not your thing.
1251
01:03:18,574 --> 01:03:20,978
No, I really wanna be there.
1252
01:03:23,212 --> 01:03:24,481
Charlie.
1253
01:03:24,515 --> 01:03:26,517
Care to join us?
1254
01:03:27,017 --> 01:03:28,318
As in you two?
1255
01:03:28,352 --> 01:03:29,353
No one else here.
1256
01:03:34,359 --> 01:03:36,495
Want you to go with me
to Eddie's tomorrow night.
1257
01:03:36,529 --> 01:03:39,098
It'll be good for you to see
the place before you play it.
1258
01:03:40,599 --> 01:03:41,601
Okay.
1259
01:03:42,602 --> 01:03:43,703
That should do it.
1260
01:03:43,738 --> 01:03:44,604
Give it a try.
1261
01:03:46,741 --> 01:03:47,943
That work?
1262
01:03:47,976 --> 01:03:49,110
Yeah.
1263
01:03:50,511 --> 01:03:52,313
Oh, my god, are you okay?!
1264
01:03:57,152 --> 01:03:59,187
You jerk.
1265
01:03:59,221 --> 01:04:00,456
What?
1266
01:04:00,490 --> 01:04:01,992
I'm just fucking with you.
1267
01:04:05,194 --> 01:04:06,096
Delivery.
1268
01:04:06,130 --> 01:04:08,132
I wonder who that could be.
1269
01:04:10,568 --> 01:04:11,603
Charlie Murray?
1270
01:04:11,636 --> 01:04:13,204
- Yeah.
- Sign here, please.
1271
01:04:14,306 --> 01:04:16,008
- What is it?
- It's big.
1272
01:04:16,042 --> 01:04:17,643
Let me grab it off
the truck for you.
1273
01:04:17,677 --> 01:04:18,544
Thanks.
1274
01:04:24,585 --> 01:04:26,086
I bought you a bed.
1275
01:04:26,119 --> 01:04:27,087
A bed?
1276
01:04:27,120 --> 01:04:28,121
Mm-hm.
1277
01:04:28,155 --> 01:04:29,122
Why?
1278
01:04:29,156 --> 01:04:31,060
Can you even afford that?
1279
01:04:31,092 --> 01:04:33,929
Oh, yeah, some smart-ass
has been paying me
1280
01:04:33,963 --> 01:04:35,664
to show her a few things, so.
1281
01:04:36,665 --> 01:04:38,001
Thank you very
much, you've been great.
1282
01:04:38,034 --> 01:04:39,069
Give it up for Eddie.
1283
01:04:41,170 --> 01:04:43,173
Guy was a fucking hack.
1284
01:04:43,206 --> 01:04:45,241
Be nice, it's a big room.
1285
01:04:45,275 --> 01:04:46,610
Who's the headliner?
1286
01:04:46,643 --> 01:04:48,046
Jeez, I don't know.
1287
01:04:48,080 --> 01:04:49,915
Guess we're gonna
have to wait and see.
1288
01:04:49,948 --> 01:04:51,248
Ladies and gentlemen,
1289
01:04:51,282 --> 01:04:53,417
we have something
very special tonight.
1290
01:04:53,451 --> 01:04:55,287
In just a couple of weeks' time,
1291
01:04:55,320 --> 01:04:57,957
we're going to have to
share this next young lady
1292
01:04:57,991 --> 01:04:59,358
with the rest of the world
1293
01:04:59,391 --> 01:05:03,596
as she hits the road for a
completely sold out arena tour,
1294
01:05:04,765 --> 01:05:08,003
but tonight, she's
still all ours.
1295
01:05:08,036 --> 01:05:10,204
So let's go crazy
for New York City's
1296
01:05:10,237 --> 01:05:12,507
very own Tracy Johnson!
1297
01:05:12,540 --> 01:05:16,711
Come on, bring her out here!
1298
01:05:19,148 --> 01:05:19,983
Thank you!
1299
01:05:22,318 --> 01:05:23,587
I love you Brooklyn,
1300
01:05:23,687 --> 01:05:26,223
even though this is where
I met my ex, the rat.
1301
01:05:27,825 --> 01:05:29,928
I call him the rat because
he ate all my food,
1302
01:05:29,962 --> 01:05:32,131
was unemployed, and my
landlord couldn't get him
1303
01:05:32,163 --> 01:05:33,631
out of my apartment.
1304
01:05:34,432 --> 01:05:36,335
He wasn't a couch surfer.
1305
01:05:36,368 --> 01:05:40,172
It was more like the moment
he made contact with my sofa,
1306
01:05:40,205 --> 01:05:43,276
he sunk like he was
encased in concrete.
1307
01:05:44,377 --> 01:05:46,680
We met on the subway.
1308
01:05:46,713 --> 01:05:50,618
I thought he was a musician
because he had a guitar.
1309
01:05:50,651 --> 01:05:53,088
He made more money
when he didn't play it.
1310
01:05:55,925 --> 01:05:57,126
You know, it's tricky,
1311
01:05:57,160 --> 01:06:00,363
'cause the lighting can be
very flattering in a subway.
1312
01:06:00,396 --> 01:06:04,034
And he looked like
an attractive rodent,
1313
01:06:04,068 --> 01:06:07,371
like the type that you might
wanna test cosmetics on.
1314
01:06:07,404 --> 01:06:09,974
Actually, he turned
out to be a feral rat
1315
01:06:10,008 --> 01:06:11,308
that carried the plague.
1316
01:06:11,341 --> 01:06:12,945
It's okay, you guys,
I just finished
1317
01:06:12,978 --> 01:06:14,880
my last course of antibiotics.
1318
01:06:17,215 --> 01:06:19,820
Thank you, you guys are awesome.
1319
01:06:21,988 --> 01:06:22,989
Woo.
1320
01:06:25,059 --> 01:06:26,094
Woo!
1321
01:06:29,063 --> 01:06:30,465
So what'd you think?
1322
01:06:30,498 --> 01:06:31,967
Amazing.
1323
01:06:32,000 --> 01:06:33,267
Thank you for bringing me.
1324
01:06:34,435 --> 01:06:35,872
You hungry?
1325
01:06:35,905 --> 01:06:36,773
I could eat.
1326
01:06:37,406 --> 01:06:38,808
I'm gonna go have a smoke.
1327
01:06:38,842 --> 01:06:40,743
When I get back, I'll
take you for a bite.
1328
01:06:40,777 --> 01:06:41,444
Okay.
1329
01:06:52,289 --> 01:06:53,525
Bob.
1330
01:06:53,558 --> 01:06:54,392
Damn.
1331
01:06:54,426 --> 01:06:55,795
Eddie.
1332
01:06:55,828 --> 01:06:58,197
Fuck, I thought
it was you in there.
1333
01:06:58,231 --> 01:07:00,633
Jesus, man, how is it
you're still alive?
1334
01:07:00,666 --> 01:07:03,436
Ah, one of the mysteries
of modern science, Ed.
1335
01:07:03,469 --> 01:07:04,403
Right on.
1336
01:07:06,406 --> 01:07:07,441
Wanna go up and do
a couple of minutes
1337
01:07:07,474 --> 01:07:08,475
just for old time's sake?
1338
01:07:09,510 --> 01:07:11,278
No, I'm good, thanks.
1339
01:07:11,311 --> 01:07:12,647
Huh, all right.
1340
01:07:14,415 --> 01:07:16,484
Say, who's the chick
you're with, by the way?
1341
01:07:16,518 --> 01:07:17,720
Chick?
1342
01:07:17,754 --> 01:07:20,556
Oh, nah, she's a young comic,
just showing her the ropes.
1343
01:07:21,590 --> 01:07:23,325
Screwing her?
1344
01:07:23,359 --> 01:07:26,097
Eddie, I'm a lot of
things, I'm not that.
1345
01:07:26,831 --> 01:07:28,465
Bullshit.
1346
01:07:28,498 --> 01:07:30,301
You got more ass
than anybody in town
1347
01:07:30,334 --> 01:07:31,369
back in the day, brother.
1348
01:07:31,402 --> 01:07:32,771
That was a long time ago.
1349
01:07:36,675 --> 01:07:39,411
You're welcome for
the set the other night.
1350
01:07:39,444 --> 01:07:40,646
What?
1351
01:07:40,679 --> 01:07:42,883
You were riffing
off what I said.
1352
01:07:42,917 --> 01:07:44,151
You see, that's the
kinda person I am,
1353
01:07:44,185 --> 01:07:47,521
you know, just always trying
to build up the little guys.
1354
01:07:47,555 --> 01:07:49,291
You know, maybe if
you ask me nicely,
1355
01:07:49,323 --> 01:07:50,457
I'll let you open
for me sometime.
1356
01:07:50,491 --> 01:07:53,528
Huh, I didn't know
busboys had openers.
1357
01:07:56,232 --> 01:07:57,399
I'm gonna go.
1358
01:07:57,432 --> 01:07:58,301
Yeah.
1359
01:07:59,535 --> 01:08:01,939
So you're telling me that
you're just training a comic?
1360
01:08:01,972 --> 01:08:02,873
That's it.
1361
01:08:04,842 --> 01:08:06,510
What the
fuck happened to you?
1362
01:08:06,543 --> 01:08:08,213
Yeah, tell me about it.
1363
01:08:16,322 --> 01:08:20,327
So, mind if I take a shot?
1364
01:08:20,359 --> 01:08:21,560
A shot?
1365
01:08:21,594 --> 01:08:22,628
- With her?
- Yeah.
1366
01:08:22,661 --> 01:08:24,966
Eddie, you're a hundred
fucking years old.
1367
01:08:24,999 --> 01:08:26,700
Well, fuck you.
1368
01:08:26,733 --> 01:08:28,435
I've still got a dick.
1369
01:08:28,468 --> 01:08:29,905
And it still
doesn't suck itself.
1370
01:08:32,274 --> 01:08:33,876
So what do you say?
1371
01:08:33,909 --> 01:08:35,444
I say she's a millennial
1372
01:08:35,477 --> 01:08:37,280
with daddy issues
and a pipe dream.
1373
01:08:37,313 --> 01:08:39,581
There's nothing remotely
special about that girl,
1374
01:08:39,615 --> 01:08:40,850
so don't waste your time.
1375
01:08:45,289 --> 01:08:47,893
Chicks with daddy
issues are the very best.
1376
01:08:47,926 --> 01:08:50,262
They'll do anything for you.
1377
01:08:50,295 --> 01:08:51,595
Eddie.
1378
01:08:51,629 --> 01:08:52,529
Yeah?
1379
01:08:52,563 --> 01:08:54,867
You and I go back a long way.
1380
01:08:54,901 --> 01:08:56,568
- Yeah.
- Leave the girl alone.
1381
01:09:01,775 --> 01:09:02,642
All right.
1382
01:09:18,494 --> 01:09:19,362
You ready?
1383
01:09:22,032 --> 01:09:22,899
What?
1384
01:09:24,869 --> 01:09:25,735
Hey!
1385
01:09:29,607 --> 01:09:30,474
Hey!
1386
01:09:31,442 --> 01:09:33,278
What the hell's going on?!
1387
01:09:33,312 --> 01:09:35,614
I don't care if
you think I suck,
1388
01:09:35,647 --> 01:09:37,616
but if you have something
to say, say it to my face.
1389
01:09:37,649 --> 01:09:39,352
What are you talking about?
1390
01:09:39,385 --> 01:09:41,521
"A millennial with daddy
issues and a pipe dream"?
1391
01:09:41,554 --> 01:09:42,957
Seriously?
1392
01:09:42,990 --> 01:09:44,358
Okay, listen to me...
1393
01:09:44,391 --> 01:09:45,491
You're
a piece of shit.
1394
01:09:45,525 --> 01:09:46,626
- Charlie...
- No.
1395
01:10:08,386 --> 01:10:09,988
I guess the people
agree with you.
1396
01:10:12,657 --> 01:10:14,692
I don't get it, I
think she's funny.
1397
01:10:16,561 --> 01:10:17,430
So do I.
1398
01:10:36,886 --> 01:10:38,888
I got your text.
1399
01:10:39,989 --> 01:10:41,492
Biopsy results.
1400
01:10:48,699 --> 01:10:49,733
This is great.
1401
01:10:50,667 --> 01:10:51,702
Why aren't you happy?
1402
01:10:53,939 --> 01:10:54,874
I am.
1403
01:10:54,907 --> 01:10:56,409
How's prep with Bob going?
1404
01:10:57,476 --> 01:10:58,811
It's not.
1405
01:10:58,844 --> 01:11:00,613
We're done.
1406
01:11:00,646 --> 01:11:01,614
What?
1407
01:11:01,647 --> 01:11:02,615
We're done.
1408
01:11:04,184 --> 01:11:06,553
But what about the contest?
1409
01:11:06,586 --> 01:11:07,621
I don't want him there.
1410
01:11:08,622 --> 01:11:10,358
I don't think he cares, anyway.
1411
01:11:19,469 --> 01:11:20,870
Bob fucking Carpenter.
1412
01:11:21,871 --> 01:11:23,606
That's my actual middle name.
1413
01:11:24,607 --> 01:11:25,708
And you are?
1414
01:11:25,742 --> 01:11:27,445
Kim, Charlie's friend.
1415
01:11:27,478 --> 01:11:29,680
Best friend, actually,
so I know everything.
1416
01:11:29,713 --> 01:11:32,783
Look, I'm an asshole.
1417
01:11:34,152 --> 01:11:37,523
What I said, it's not
what it sounded like,
1418
01:11:37,557 --> 01:11:39,058
certainly not what I meant.
1419
01:11:39,092 --> 01:11:40,725
So fix it.
1420
01:11:40,759 --> 01:11:42,429
She's performing at
Eddie's tomorrow night.
1421
01:11:42,463 --> 01:11:43,497
You should be there.
1422
01:11:45,499 --> 01:11:47,502
She doesn't want me there.
1423
01:11:47,535 --> 01:11:48,436
Yeah, she does.
1424
01:11:51,539 --> 01:11:53,108
You may have been
an asshole, Bob,
1425
01:11:54,742 --> 01:11:56,812
but you've done more than
help her make people laugh.
1426
01:12:01,251 --> 01:12:03,453
Thank you, thank
you, thank you.
1427
01:12:03,487 --> 01:12:04,620
Thank you.
1428
01:12:04,653 --> 01:12:09,527
Thank you, so, feminism
is largely bad.
1429
01:12:10,794 --> 01:12:12,730
Yeah, but you know what,
there are some positives.
1430
01:12:12,763 --> 01:12:15,733
First, it made it okay
for women to be sluts,
1431
01:12:15,766 --> 01:12:19,139
and I fucking love
that kinda girl power.
1432
01:12:20,706 --> 01:12:22,942
You know, I'd say
I'm body-positive,
1433
01:12:22,976 --> 01:12:26,679
in that I'm positive I
want your body on me.
1434
01:12:28,748 --> 01:12:30,085
Fatties need not apply.
1435
01:12:30,118 --> 01:12:32,954
And I love the Women's March.
1436
01:12:32,988 --> 01:12:34,923
You know, it got my
roommate's girlfriend
1437
01:12:34,956 --> 01:12:36,658
out of the apartment.
1438
01:12:36,691 --> 01:12:39,128
You know, I just wish
she had kept marching
1439
01:12:40,263 --> 01:12:42,966
and never came
back, but she did,
1440
01:12:43,000 --> 01:12:45,169
so I guess she just
wasn't that dedicated
1441
01:12:45,202 --> 01:12:46,802
to the cause, I suppose.
1442
01:12:49,874 --> 01:12:54,880
You know, if women
are so oppressed,
1443
01:12:55,848 --> 01:12:59,853
then how am I hearing
about it all the time?!
1444
01:12:59,886 --> 01:13:01,787
Seriously, "Ooh, I
want equal rights!"
1445
01:13:01,821 --> 01:13:03,156
"Ooh, I want equal pay!"
1446
01:13:03,190 --> 01:13:04,858
"Ooh, don't grab my
pussy, Mr. President."
1447
01:13:04,891 --> 01:13:06,594
Slap.
1448
01:13:06,627 --> 01:13:09,830
No, and now I need tampons
because my ears are bleeding
1449
01:13:09,864 --> 01:13:11,667
from having to
listen to this shit
1450
01:13:11,699 --> 01:13:14,903
and I need something
to stop the flow.
1451
01:13:14,937 --> 01:13:15,904
Tampax.
1452
01:13:17,005 --> 01:13:21,878
So do feminists really
know what oppression means?
1453
01:13:22,946 --> 01:13:24,048
Like, the textbook definition.
1454
01:13:24,081 --> 01:13:27,750
You live in New
York fucking City.
1455
01:13:27,784 --> 01:13:29,854
The only oppressive
thing about living here
1456
01:13:29,888 --> 01:13:33,558
is the crushing weight
of your broken dreams.
1457
01:13:33,592 --> 01:13:34,693
That's it for me tonight, folks.
1458
01:13:34,725 --> 01:13:35,661
Thank you so much for having me.
1459
01:13:35,695 --> 01:13:38,197
And give it up for
your wonderful host!
1460
01:13:39,165 --> 01:13:40,566
Nice job, Paul.
1461
01:13:40,600 --> 01:13:41,235
Beautiful, man.
1462
01:13:41,268 --> 01:13:42,703
Very, very nice.
1463
01:13:42,735 --> 01:13:44,804
And we're gonna keep
the funny going tonight
1464
01:13:44,838 --> 01:13:46,073
because coming up on
the stage right now
1465
01:13:46,106 --> 01:13:47,875
is a very funny young
lady from the Bronx,
1466
01:13:47,909 --> 01:13:50,845
but please don't hold
that against her.
1467
01:13:50,878 --> 01:13:54,816
Let's make some noise now,
please, for Charlie Murray!
1468
01:13:54,850 --> 01:13:56,085
There she is!
1469
01:13:56,118 --> 01:13:57,019
Come on!
1470
01:13:57,052 --> 01:13:58,786
Charlie!
1471
01:13:58,821 --> 01:13:59,689
Thank you.
1472
01:14:00,924 --> 01:14:04,861
So, when I was 18, I was
diagnosed with cancer.
1473
01:14:05,963 --> 01:14:07,698
Wow, tough crowd.
1474
01:14:08,798 --> 01:14:09,967
Now, I don't wanna brag,
1475
01:14:10,001 --> 01:14:12,604
but you are in the
presence of greatness.
1476
01:14:12,638 --> 01:14:14,339
It was skin cancer.
1477
01:14:14,373 --> 01:14:16,275
I am black.
1478
01:14:16,308 --> 01:14:18,044
That shit is rare.
1479
01:14:19,979 --> 01:14:21,981
I'm like a unicorn.
1480
01:14:23,016 --> 01:14:26,887
I'm like a unicorn who's
dating the Easter Bunny.
1481
01:14:26,920 --> 01:14:29,658
No, I'm like a unicorn who's
dating the Easter Bunny,
1482
01:14:29,691 --> 01:14:31,993
whose best friend is Jesus.
1483
01:14:32,027 --> 01:14:34,729
That's how fucking
rare and special I am.
1484
01:14:34,763 --> 01:14:37,933
And you all get to watch me
on stage for just a few bucks.
1485
01:14:37,967 --> 01:14:40,136
How fucking lucky
are all of you?
1486
01:14:42,272 --> 01:14:46,643
As you can see, I am not a
stereotypical black girl.
1487
01:14:46,677 --> 01:14:51,349
I have no ass, no aversion
to getting my hair wet,
1488
01:14:51,382 --> 01:14:53,018
and I had skin cancer.
1489
01:14:53,052 --> 01:14:57,022
I basically had my black
card revoked by this point.
1490
01:14:57,056 --> 01:14:58,991
Still have my
marijuana card, though.
1491
01:15:00,026 --> 01:15:01,061
Yes.
1492
01:15:02,462 --> 01:15:06,667
And what better excuse to smoke
weed is there than cancer?
1493
01:15:06,701 --> 01:15:10,004
I mean, not even your mom can
tell you no at that point.
1494
01:15:10,037 --> 01:15:11,239
Isn't that right, Mom?
1495
01:15:12,874 --> 01:15:13,742
Hey, Mom.
1496
01:15:16,078 --> 01:15:19,682
That's my mom, everybody.
1497
01:15:21,317 --> 01:15:24,888
I was a teenager lighting up
a joint in the living room,
1498
01:15:24,922 --> 01:15:29,227
like, "Y'all better be
thankful I'm hitting this blunt
1499
01:15:29,260 --> 01:15:31,262
"and not biting the dust."
1500
01:15:32,897 --> 01:15:36,001
And there would be
nothing anyone could say!
1501
01:15:39,071 --> 01:15:42,743
Getting cancer has
made me super paranoid.
1502
01:15:42,776 --> 01:15:46,246
Like, I am afraid of any
and all sources of light.
1503
01:15:46,279 --> 01:15:47,915
I am the only person
1504
01:15:47,949 --> 01:15:51,285
who's actually not
comforted by a nightlight.
1505
01:15:51,319 --> 01:15:54,823
I've sort of just accepted
that I'm gonna come down
1506
01:15:54,858 --> 01:15:56,392
with some other
illness in my life,
1507
01:15:56,425 --> 01:16:00,063
so now I spend most of my time
looking up ailments online
1508
01:16:00,096 --> 01:16:02,432
and praying for a
really, really good one,
1509
01:16:02,465 --> 01:16:04,100
like, it's some
sort of fucked up
1510
01:16:04,134 --> 01:16:06,303
catalog service that God offers.
1511
01:16:14,146 --> 01:16:16,248
Not arthritis, that's boring.
1512
01:16:19,318 --> 01:16:20,987
Not an STD either,
1513
01:16:21,020 --> 01:16:24,391
I can find a diseased and
willing dick on my own.
1514
01:16:26,059 --> 01:16:30,064
Maybe something more
like glaucoma or anxiety
1515
01:16:30,098 --> 01:16:31,366
because I've already got a stash
1516
01:16:31,399 --> 01:16:33,401
of, like, 20 years
worth of Kush.
1517
01:16:35,237 --> 01:16:39,108
Thank you so much, everyone.
1518
01:16:39,141 --> 01:16:41,011
Thanks, everybody.
1519
01:16:41,044 --> 01:16:42,078
Thank you.
1520
01:16:46,116 --> 01:16:48,921
Thank you, you've been amazing.
1521
01:17:01,601 --> 01:17:02,903
Oh, there's nothing
wrong with second,
1522
01:17:02,937 --> 01:17:04,103
but you should have won.
1523
01:17:04,137 --> 01:17:06,474
Ah, winning contests
doesn't mean shit.
1524
01:17:09,109 --> 01:17:10,511
Hey.
1525
01:17:10,544 --> 01:17:12,013
Why don't you do us all a favor?
1526
01:17:12,047 --> 01:17:13,348
Try smiling sometime.
1527
01:17:16,151 --> 01:17:17,820
Told you it'd
suck a little less.
1528
01:17:19,121 --> 01:17:22,558
I hope you know that
your dad would be so proud.
1529
01:17:22,592 --> 01:17:24,194
And so am I.
1530
01:17:24,228 --> 01:17:25,095
So proud.
1531
01:17:28,265 --> 01:17:29,200
Mm.
1532
01:17:30,201 --> 01:17:31,937
Bob was there.
1533
01:17:31,971 --> 01:17:33,438
Just so you know.
1534
01:17:33,471 --> 01:17:35,207
You should have seen his face.
1535
01:17:37,409 --> 01:17:38,477
- Food?
- Food.
1536
01:17:38,511 --> 01:17:39,578
Yeah. Okay.
1537
01:17:45,418 --> 01:17:46,889
Whoa.
1538
01:17:46,922 --> 01:17:49,156
I decided to embrace
the inevitable.
1539
01:17:50,091 --> 01:17:51,626
Well, good for you.
1540
01:17:51,659 --> 01:17:53,963
So how did our young
Charlie do tonight?
1541
01:17:54,898 --> 01:17:55,564
She did great.
1542
01:18:00,203 --> 01:18:01,271
Bruce Willis.
1543
01:18:01,304 --> 01:18:02,973
That's who you look like now.
1544
01:18:04,107 --> 01:18:05,476
Ha, should have
done that years ago.
1545
01:18:07,378 --> 01:18:08,379
Wanna grab a coffee?
1546
01:18:10,447 --> 01:18:11,383
Yippee-ki-yay.
1547
01:18:12,584 --> 01:18:14,619
You know where the key is.
1548
01:19:01,641 --> 01:19:03,543
Why do
you wanna do this?
1549
01:19:08,282 --> 01:19:10,317
What's wrong with just
wanting to make people laugh?
1550
01:19:10,351 --> 01:19:13,455
Mm, you're lonely, aren't you?
1551
01:19:16,424 --> 01:19:18,694
I saw your show tonight.
1552
01:19:18,728 --> 01:19:19,963
I heard.
1553
01:19:21,330 --> 01:19:22,198
You did good.
1554
01:19:26,004 --> 01:19:27,704
Why didn't you tell
me you had cancer?
1555
01:19:28,773 --> 01:19:30,009
You never asked.
1556
01:19:31,242 --> 01:19:32,744
It's okay.
1557
01:19:33,012 --> 01:19:34,178
I'm fine now.
1558
01:19:35,314 --> 01:19:36,348
I'm glad.
1559
01:19:39,551 --> 01:19:41,022
You look good up there.
1560
01:19:42,123 --> 01:19:43,958
Maybe you should
give it another shot.
1561
01:19:45,358 --> 01:19:48,529
You know, watching you
tonight, did cross my mind.
1562
01:19:48,562 --> 01:19:51,365
Ooh, a baby boomer
with heckling issues?
1563
01:19:51,399 --> 01:19:53,069
Ugh, I don't know, Bob.
1564
01:19:53,102 --> 01:19:55,303
After everything
I've done for you,
1565
01:19:55,337 --> 01:19:57,305
least you can do is
give me a few tips.
1566
01:19:58,808 --> 01:19:59,676
Okay.
1567
01:20:02,712 --> 01:20:07,718
Well, first off, you need
to work on your posture.
1568
01:20:09,054 --> 01:20:10,654
- Really?
- Yeah, no one wants to watch
1569
01:20:10,688 --> 01:20:11,690
a slouchy comic.
1570
01:20:12,024 --> 01:20:13,658
And no focusing on the floor.
1571
01:20:13,692 --> 01:20:15,493
You're not looking
for loose change.
1572
01:20:15,527 --> 01:20:18,131
Make eye contact.
1573
01:20:18,165 --> 01:20:19,665
Build common ground.
1574
01:20:19,699 --> 01:20:24,105
Remember, a comic is judged
every 12 seconds of his life.
1575
01:20:24,138 --> 01:20:25,006
Her.
1576
01:20:26,673 --> 01:20:27,574
Her life.
1577
01:20:30,179 --> 01:20:32,047
Write this down,
this is important.
1578
01:20:33,281 --> 01:20:36,152
The first joke of a set
has gotta be the best one.
1579
01:20:36,186 --> 01:20:37,820
You gotta make a splash.
1580
01:20:37,853 --> 01:20:40,790
Make sure they know you're
gonna show 'em a good time.
109480
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