All language subtitles for All.Jokinide.2020.HDRip.XviD.AC3-EVO

Okay, by applause,
who has not been here before?

There's no
talking during the show

and there's no heckling.

I don't like
doing jokes when I host,

- so this means I have nothing.
- Is your sister a...

Giant baby?

I have a
lot of depression.

Any of you 20-year-olds

- have depression?
- My dog died

a little while ago, yeah.

- She had cancer.
- I don't know how long

I've been up here.

- Feels like forever.
- Like, it's fine.

I know I'm weird and it's
flaws and whatnot, like...

And my entire
night rests on you.

I am allergic
to talking about gluten.

I was born
on a go kart track.

- That's why I look like this.
- I'm a potato with sad eyes!

- Welcome to the family.
- She wanted to play doctor,

so I made her wait for an hour

and then told her insurance

doesn't cover
elective procedures.

How about
a round of applause

- for everybody?
- Guys got a great rest

- of the show coming your way.
- Guys, thank you so much.

Did you guys
do anything today?

Were you, like, at a
Jimmy Buffett concert

before you came here?

- What's...
- And after I text my mom

and I was like, "Mom, I
have two gold teeth now."

And she text back, "We'll
have to remember that

- "when we cremate you."
- Guys, this is my job

for the first time, it's nice.

Good people, good
food, their accents,

- they are disgusting.
- Every spring, my apartment

- gets invaded by ants.
- 'Cause my brain is trying

to get back at me, you know?

No comic
wants to be a comic.

We all wanted to be actors,
but crunches are hard.

On the entertainment hierarchy,

it's slightly above mime

and slightly below
giving handjobs

- under a bridge.
- Cool, all right.

- Have a good night.
- That's it.

Thank you so
much. You've been great.

Goodbye.

All right, let's keep
it going for Stevie Allen.

Good job, buddy.

- Did I miss it?
- No.

All right, please
welcome Charlie Murray.

Thank you.

Should probably wait
till the end, though,

I might not be very good.

How's everyone doing tonight?

Woo-hoo.

Why is it that men
suddenly decide they can cook

when it's time for a barbecue?

When it's barbecue season,

they suddenly become
culinary wizards,

but stand them up in a kitchen

and they develop some
sort of food amnesia.

Do we have any drivers
in the house tonight?

I just started my lessons.

Please do not do
a bit on women drivers.

Who says it's a
bit on women drivers?

Oh, it's not?

My apologies.

Do continue.

Thought so.

You can move on to your
time of the month gags now.

We're waiting.

- Bob!
- Why don't you just quit it?

We're here to see her
comedy, not listen to you.

I'm here to see comedy too.

What time does it start?

What's your problem?

Oh, is this part of the act?

You're a ventriloquist,
she's the dummy?

Tell me something, how do
you get your hand up her ass

from all the way over there?

Bob!

You gonna respond, sweetheart?

I mean, you've done
this before right?

You know what, it's
her first time up there...

Oh, we got a virgin!

Well, don't worry, first time
always hurts a little bit.

He never treats you
right, but trust me,

one day, you'll find
the right career

and he'll treat you much better.

Oh, there she goes.

Charlie, wait.

You're a prick.

Guilty. Whoa!

Well, folks, that's my time.

You've been a great crowd.

What
was I thinking?!

Charlie, that
guy was an asshole.

- I'm not ready yet.
- You are!

I don't know how to open
or close or structure.

- Charlie!
- The second I stood

on that stage, I froze.

And when that guy
went at me, I ran.

That's it, let's go,
I'm taking you out.

No.

Fine.

I'm staying here tonight.

You are the best.

Yeah, remember that
when it's my birthday.

Hey, customer feedback
report alert, uh-oh.

And it reads, "The young
woman who served me,

"I think her name was
Charlene," that would be you,

"Did not smile.

"I mean, is it
that hard to smile?

"Is it? Is it?

"Is it?"

He actually asks
that three times.

I mean, you see, Charlene,

smiling is the key to
world-class customer service.

Wouldn't you agree?

Right, so, you think we can
see that great smile of yours?

Boom, that's what
I'm talking about!

Up top!

Boom.

Also, you keep that smile
there, by this time next year,

you could find yourself
shift supervisor,

like Bill over there.

Look at him, look
how happy he is.

Bill!

Bill!

Bill.

Ah, he's working, that's, Bill!

Anyways, looks
great, looks good.

Need a hand?

Thank you.

Still gotta do this
every month, huh?

Yep.

Here.

Thanks.

So I brought a
present for you.

Okay.

So what if it takes
you a little longer

to get to where you wanna be?

There's nothing wrong
with having a bit of help.

All right,
that looks awesome, Mimi.

- Thank you.
- No, you're welcome.

Oh, is that a stegosaurus?

- Mm-hm.
- Think it might be.

Good job, guys.

It's so cute.

Come on, now, children, time
to get your things together.

We need volunteers for
the event if you're free.

- Oh, sure.
- I mean, it's nothing

- very exciting, I'm afraid.
- Oh, that's okay.

Just projector and
PowerPoint kind of stuff.

Oh, I'm actually not...

I'll put your name
on the list, then.

Thank you so much for today.

Okay, kids, you ready?

Everybody ready?

Okay, so one person's
gonna be playing defense,

facing this way, other person
is gonna have the ball,

pivoting, you know, taking
the ball away, okay?

Let's see how it goes.

Sis.

Hey.

How's it going?

Good.

How's coaching going?

It's going great.

So you're helping out next door?

Yeah, it's been really nice.

Coming to see
Mom might be nice.

I can't figure out what to
get you for your birthday.

Any ideas?

I was thinking
about hiring an artist

to come sketch us all.

You know, one, big, happy...

Maybe you should
be doing the comedy.

So how'd the show go?

Great.

You should get
back to your team.

I'll see you later.

Charlie.

It'll suck a little
less next time.

Okay?

What are you so
desperate to show me?

Why do guys do that?

Dicks are ugly.

You've only slept
with three guys.

Yeah, and they
were ugly dicks.

You think they're ugly?

Well, not most of the time.

Most of the time, they're
Gizmo, small, innocent,

but when they get those
ideas in their head,

well, that's like feeding
Gizmo at midnight,

and you know what happens then.

Scary Gizmo,

ugly, veiny, ready to burst,

but that's the only Gizmo
guys wanna send photos of.

Oh, you just ruined my
favorite Christmas film.

What's with this guy?

Weird.

There you go.

Um, we didn't order these.

Your friend's food.

You waved.

He is not my friend.

He said he was.

And you just believed him?

You waved.

We're not paying for this.

He just walked outta
here with four donuts.

Yeah, he did.

We're not paying.

Well, then my boss is
gonna take it outta my tips.

Let's just pay.

What?

I'll find him and
get it back later.

That guy looks familiar.

I think it's the guy
that heckled you off.

No.

Any room on Saturday?

We're full.

Sorry.

Is that
who I think it is?

Depends on who
you think it is.

The guy from the other night.

He was a big deal, wasn't he?

Not as big as he
should have been.

He turned down all the TV stuff.

Just gigging two or three
hundred shows a year.

Became sort of a
comedy urban legend.

What do you mean?

Well, I was in Chicago
once, this club owner said,

"You heard about this
guy, Bobby Carpenter?

"Heard he did a thousand
shows this year,

"all of them different."

Is that true?

Those numbers?

Every gig unique?

Absolute fucking nonsense.

He did gig a ton, and
his material was edgy.

There was nothing safe about it.

People were so desperate

to say they'd seen
him in the flesh.

I mean, if you knew
comedy back then,

you knew Bob Carpenter.

You still shouldn't let him
act the way he does in here.

I booted him out!

I'll be ready for him next
time, though, just you wait.

Oh!

Just need a little more
training, and then...

Nah.

Hey!

Those people are shit!

Anyone that's taken
that course has bombed.

Did they at least
finish their sets?

You wanna learn how to do
stand-up, sit there and watch,

or better yet, get
up there and do.

And in between, find
someone that's lived

and breathed it all,
and scrape their brain.

Those people people
aren't stand-ups,

they wannabe stand-ups.

Ah.

Come with me.

Come on.

Ah, there it is.

A single bound.

Land on his head and
walk away unscathed.

Look!

Down on the ground, it's
a rat, it's a roach,

it's Tweakerman!

I remember that night.

- Yes, it's Tweakerman.
- Just before he went up,

said, "What should I
bullshit about tonight?"

Crackheads was the first
thing that came to my mind.

And he did it, just like that?

Just like that.

You think he had any formal
training or any comedy classes?

He didn't?

No, he'd just come in
and he listened, watched.

He always had a notepad.

Always observing.

Why doesn't he
perform anymore?

No.

I bet you think
that's one of the perks, huh?

Came in that night,
just went at the crowd.

Huh?

You wanna fuck me now?

Come on, Darryl, come suck...

He threw the mic at a heckler
and blinded him in one eye.

We were shut down after that.

Shit.

What made him go at
the crowd like that?

Oh, he was going
through a rough patch.

His wife had left
him, took his kid.

So that makes it okay for
him to act like an asshole?

No.

But
you still let him.

We go back a long way.

What do you want me to do?

Excuse me.

Can I borrow your pen?

Sure.

Have you got tickets
for the show?

Thank you.

She's actually not that bad.

All the duck ponds, in all
the parks, in all the world,

she walks into mine.

You owe me 10 bucks.

Mm.

Do you think this is a joke?

So you are
familiar with jokes?

- Hm.
- I'm being serious.

Call the cops, sweetheart.

It's your word against mine.

Are the puzzles your way
of fending off dementia?

Drop 'em off at a
thrift store every week.

Buy 'em in the
morning, open 'em,

take out a piece,
and then donate 'em.

Why?

My little way of giving back.

Anyhoo, this is great, but if
you don't mind fucking off,

I like this bench to myself.

I want you to help
me put together a set.

Wow.

Yeah, I was wrong about you,
you're fucking hilarious.

Why not?

Because I've seen this movie
a dozen times, sweetheart.

The old mentor always
dies right before the end.

So it's a yes, right?

Look, girl, there are two
types of people in the world:

funny people and happy people.

You cannot be both.

Do yourself a favor,
go try to be happy.

Hm, what?

From the girl at the bar.

It's water.

Says it'll sober you up, you
can help her out a little.

Could you give
her this for me?

What do you think
about using props?

I'm trying to
take a shit in here,

for Christ's sake!

I'll be waiting right outside.

Bob!

Stop talking to me.

Top three tips for
writing a great opening.

Go.

Worst thing you can
do in an opening joke?

Jesus, are you all right?

Yeah, just fucking with you.

What we've learned
is you do have

something beating in there!

Bob!

That girl was in again
looking for you earlier.

Oh, you mean my stalker?

Mm, she just wants
some advice, Bob.

There's no harm in it.

The only advice I'd give her

is to run a mile
from this shithole.

Shame.

She's hungry.

Can't see her giving it up.

Do you want any of this stuff?

The cellar has got 40 years
worth of it down there.

Oh, sure, I'll take it all,

reminisce about the good times.

I want another drink.

You can wait.

There are other
bars, you know?!

Fuck off to one.

One of these days...

Why'd you keep that?

You know, Bob, we've been
friends for almost 35 years.

Here we go.

Best
man at my wedding.

Yeah, and look
how that turned out.

Let me help you.

Jesus, Dennis,
you give me this

"let me help you"
spiel once a year.

Give it a rest.

You keep drinking like this,
you're gonna be dead in two.

You wanna help someone?

Sponsor an orphan.

Just remember, when
that first chunk of dirt

hits your casket, this ugly
mug will be the only one there.

Well played, Bob.

I'm sorry about the timing.

I missed her birthday.

I thought I'd bring her a...

A gift?

Really?

No, Robert, we don't
want any gifts.

We don't want your time.

We don't wanna hear where
you've been all these years.

We don't want anything.

Sandy...

Well, 20 years
of child support?

Maybe I'd accept that.

Hi there.

There are other food
groups, you know?

Not very original, is it?

Why couldn't the washed
up comic be addicted

to something other
than alcohol for once?

Invent a new cliche, like,

ooh, you could be
an adrenaline junkie

and try, like, paragliding
or bungee jumping,

you know, something
really, really dangerous.

Wait.

Did I win this one?

What is it you think
you need help with?

How to structure a set.

Like, where to put
your best stuff.

How to open, how to close.

How to deal with
heckling assholes.

Lots of stuff.

It's gonna cost you.

250 bucks a week.

That's not a problem.

Really?

Really.

Huh.

Guess I picked the
wrong line of work.

So?

Tomorrow afternoon, 4:00
p.m., Prospect Park, our bench.

See you then.

Have you noticed
any change in their appearance?

No.

Well, my mind always thinks
there is, but I get paranoid.

The one in the center
on the base of your spine,

how long has it
looked like this?

I don't...

I thought that might
have changed, but...

I'm gonna send
you for an excision biopsy.

When?

As soon as possible.

Why? Is it back?

Oh, it's just
precaution, Charlene.

We should have results
in a week or so.

- How's it going?
- Good.

But I can't chat long, the kids
are more hyper than normal.

We have a guest speaker coming
in to talk about dinosaurs,

and the kids are
counting down the days.

That's cool.

Found this last night.

Where'd you find it?

In some old
boxes in the attic.

All Dad's best jokes
are in that book.

And some of mine.

"What do you get if you
cross a dinosaur with a pig?"

Jurassic Pork.

Do you remember me
and Dad used to perform

for all my stuffed animals?

- Yep.
- And then Mom used to rag

on him for filling my
head with his pipe dreams.

Come on, they argued.

I get it.

I should get back.

Still on the clock.

Just so you know,
it was actually Mom that found the book.

She wanted you to have it.

It's freezing.

Yeah, animals still gotta eat.

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't feed 'em bread.

Why?

Stops them from getting
the proper nutrients.

Then they get Angel
Wing and they die.

Trust me, it's a thing.

So, what do you think
we should start with?

I was thinking we could
do structure first.

Like, how to get from
one bit to the next?

Why do you wanna do this?

What's wrong with just
wanting to make people laugh?

You're lonely, aren't you?

Don't.

That's not why you're here.

There's nothing wrong with me,

I just want you to
help me out with a set.

That's it.

Okay.

Let's role play.

Make me laugh.

- What?
- Oh, my god!

You're a comic, that's amazing.

Make me laugh.

- I don't...
- What, you think this

is easy, doing this?

A comic is judged every
12 seconds of his life.

Her.

Her life, I'm not a man.

You live in a man's
world, sweetheart.

Then I'll be sure to ask Santa

to bring me a dick
for Christmas.

Ask him for some
decent fucking material

while you're at it.

- What?
- Make me laugh!

I find men have a really
hard time with female hormones.

No.

Go again.

Just started a new diet...

You're not fat.

- What?
- So why the fuck

are you on a diet?

- Because...
- Because you think that's

what people expect
you to talk about?

Diets and PMS?

Safe comedy's about as
exciting as safe sex.

Like you can remember.

You have no identity, no
voice.

What is it about you that's
gonna make people listen?

If I was still in the game,

do you think you and
I would be writing

about the same type of shit?

No.

Why not?

Black, white.

Vagina, dick.

- Young, old.
- Exactly.

I can't do stuff about being

pulled over constantly
by cops, right?

So you're saying
I should write

a set about being a
young, black woman?

That is what you are, yes,
and that will be part of it,

but you're not the only young,
black woman doing comedy.

There was a guy,
used to work with him

back in the circuit in the
'90s, he only had one leg.

He would fall on
stage every night

with a different version
of how he lost it,

and he would bring
the house down.

Every night, never failed.

This guy was so good.

I swear to God, I was
jealous of his fucking stump.

Okay, write this down,
this is important.

What is unique about you?

What is it that you can
say that nobody else can?

Focus on your vulnerabilities,
your weaknesses.

Who the fuck are you?

Figure that out, then
you can tell them.

What the fuck are
you laughing at?

It's expensive living
in New York City.

I saw a cardboard box in Central
Park with a sign that said,

"Luxury one bed
apartment, $2,500 a week."

So, obviously, I went for it,

but I'm gonna sublet part of it.

So that's a no to
the donating, then?

Yeah.

The best thing about being a
21-year-old living in New York

with no money in the bank

is that I'm immune
to credit card fraud.

Can I have my guitar
back now, please?

You like making us
think we're in control,

but if aliens landed today,

they'd know the real
leaders are the ones at home

licking their balls all day

while we're out
earning the rent.

Thank you for your honesty.

Good morning.

Hey.

What are you up to?

Scraping brains.

Oh.

Well, fuck me, Dennis,
how long have I been gone?

What?

Come here.

Notice anything different?

- No.
- No?

Nothing.

How about now?

Want me to sign you up?

Nah.

You need to enter this.

$500?

That's right.

But more importantly,
you'd be playing

Eddie's Comedy Club
in a few weeks.

Not bad for a rookie.

And if I win, I get
one night to open for...

Shit.

Tracy Johnson?

The Tracy Johnson?

- No.
- Yes.

I'm never gonna be good enough
to win something like this.

Don't worry about winning it.

Winning a contest means shit.

Do you know how many contests
I've won over the years?

Me neither.

Lost count.

Let's just worry about getting
you back on the stage, huh?

Right.

Okay.

Shit.

Supposed to be at work.

Can we do this tomorrow morning?

Already counting
down the minutes.

Money for the first week.

See you later.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're 10 bucks short.

For the donuts.

This one slides here, and
then here, and then here,

oh, fun fact, this is
the exact same method

they used to build
the Eiffel tower.

I am, of course, kidding.

And then he goes right there.

C'est magnifique.

- Pete.
- Yup?

I was wondering, if
there's any available,

if I could get some overtime.

Yes.

Of course, you can get
as much as you want.

I wish there were more
like you, Charlene.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Charlene.

Please, can...

Is that
supposed to be a bed?

No, it's modern art.

The Guggenheim made
an offer, actually.

Why are you
sleeping on the floor?

Because I loved
camping as a kid

and it reminds me of that.

I loved climbing
trees as a kid,

but I don't live in
a fucking tree house.

Huh.

I opened for him in '91.

He's a hell of a writer.

Dennis said you were the
best in the city back then.

That was Dennis's opinion.

He also showed me the
tape of your last gig.

Well, he shouldn't have.

What happened?

Did your old
man ever teach you

how to change a light bulb?

There's something
wrong with the switch.

Dennis said your
wife left you and...

And what the fuck does
that have to do with you?

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have...

It's fine.

Look, being a comic, on
the road 300 nights a year,

back and forth
across the country,

it's a lousy way to
lead a normal life.

So if you're thinking
you're gonna meet Mr. Right,

settle down, and become
a comedian, forget it,

you're gonna have to pick one.

Now, we need to get
you ready for this,

so tonight at Yuk Yuk's,
there is an open mic.

Every comic is
allowed three minutes.

You think you can manage that?

I've been working on a bit.

Great.

See you later.

Are you leaving?

You just got here.

I'm gonna need a tetanus shot

if I stay in this
shithole any longer.

Just drop by the Hyena
tomorrow morning.

Let me know how it goes.

Wait, you're not
coming tonight?

Not to the first one.

The temptation to heckle
will be too great.

Who here works for
a living?

You ever think about how

we're the dominant
species on the planet,

but we're actually the only
ones paying to be here?

I mean, you literally cannot
exist on Earth for free.

Unfortunately, space is also
really fucking expensive.

And you thought, like, New York
City rents were outrageous,

I would volunteer to be
a test subject for NASA

if I knew I would never
have to pay another bill

or look at my boss's face again.

You could just catapult
me into the sun, right?

Yeah, you'd be doing
me a favor, seriously.

I mean, I working for
minimum wage right now

and I gotta tell
you, it's such a rush

at the end of the night
when you're calculating

exactly how many hours you've
drank away on your life

when you're paying your bar
tab at the end of the night.

All right, thank you very much.

You guys have been great.

Have a good night.

Bye-bye.

All right, kiddo, you're up.

So?

How'd that first step
back on the stage feel?

Someone did my bit
right before I went up.

And?

And I had nothing else,

and I just waffled
through my entire set.

What bit did he do?

Some bit on being
broke and shitty jobs.

Girl, you're at an open mic
night with a bunch of comics.

Everybody's broke and
everybody's got a bit on it.

Best thing about being a
comic is I don't have a boss.

I can come into work
late, blackout drunk,

with a gerbil's tail
hanging outta my ass,

and nobody can say shit.

I'm sorry, that
was inappropriate,

and, of course, it's not true.

I never come to work late.

Being your own boss sounds great

until you realize you can't
give yourself a raise.

My Christmas bonus
to myself this year

was a drink ticket I happened
to find in my pocket.

Next year, I'm
hoping to find a pack

of cigarettes on the ground,

you know, something
I can give my kid.

You know who else
is their own boss?

Six-year-old girls
with lemonade stands.

We make about the
same yearly income.

There you go, little bit on me

being broke from way back when.

And still not funny!

I thought I told you
to wait in the car.

That's how you
deal with hecklers.

Now, write this
down, it's important.

Parallel writing
happens all the time,

so you're gonna have
to learn to improvise.

If it really is too
similar to yours,

make sure you have something
you can fall back on.

I had nothing else.

Really?

What'd you do yesterday morning?

I got up.

Was it funny?

- No.
- Then what did you do?

I brushed my teeth.

- Was it funny?
- No.

- Then what did you do?
- I cooked breakfast.

Was that funny?

It was a riot.

The eggs did a musical
number for the sausages.

Hey, do you wanna
be a stand-up?

- Yes.
- Then find the funny

in the mundane, the everyday.

It's there, all around
you, waiting to be mined,

but you gotta dig for it.

Tomorrow, what are you doing?

I'm working and
then I'm giving blood.

Okay, everything
you do tomorrow,

everything you see, I want
you to find the funny in it.

Everything.

Then get your ass to
an open mic night,

and tell the audience how
goddamn funny your day was.

Thus ends the lesson.

You can go now.

Me and the wife like our
alone time in the morning.

Okay.

You like her.

You think I like you.

What the fuck do you know?

Charlene?

Charlene Murray.

Oh, my god, it is you.

Hey, Sam.

I prefer Samantha.

Right.

Wow, you look great.

Did you put on some weight?

You're carrying it so well.

No more gaunt face.

It is so good to see you.

What, last time, I
guess, was prom, right?

Didn't go to prom.

Oh, yeah, no.

Of course.

Well, how are you, anyway?

Oh, who are you with?

So I have this
picture of my boyfriend with me.

Hot, right?

Like, way hotter than me?

It's okay, you can say it.

I brought it with me
to prove to anyone

who's struggling
with their love life

that if you have a
great personality

and you put yourself out there,

you can always cut a picture
of a hot guy out of a magazine

and people will believe
he's your boyfriend.

My last real boyfriend was
way too scared of intimacy.

Every time I said "I love you,"

he'd say, "Who are you, and
how'd you get into my house?"

I saw on the news
that Hurricane Doris

is closing in off
the coast of Florida,

which is weird because usually

my mom calls before she visits.

I am terrified of having kids.

My coworker showed me a 3D
ultrasound photo of her baby,

and it looked like
it was on its way

to ring the bells of Notre Dame.

What are you doing?

Tell you what I'm not doing,

breathing in black mold
and getting emphysema.

You get some laughs?

Barely.

I don't have 20 seconds,
let alone three minutes.

Yeah, but it got
you writing more.

Yeah, I guess.

So give me the bit you did.

It was just a bit on women
who insist on showing everyone

an ultrasound of their babies.

It wasn't funny.

Then why did you say it?

Because, I wanted
to make the point

that while I criticize most guys

for sending dick picks
to anyone with eyes,

that this is no different.

I mean, these women think
they're just showing off

a picture of their baby,

but what they're actually
doing is flashing

an up close and personal
3D picture of their vagina.

What's wrong with that?

That was actually funnier
than the bit I did last night.

Writing is rewriting.

It may take you a hundred
gigs to get the bit right,

but that's okay.

Oh, by the way, I booked
you a spot tonight too.

- What, but I...
- Ah, ah, ah, ah, easy.

Breathe.

Okay, let's assess
your first performance.

Why do you think you bombed?

'Cause some asshole
heckled me off stage?

Apart from that.

I don't know.

Okay.

What's the most
important joke of a set?

The last one.

Your last joke
doesn't do you much good

if nobody sticks
around until the end.

Your first?

Bingo, which is why you
don't wanna get up on stage,

ask how everybody's doing,
and then claim the audience

has lost their voice
when they don't respond.

And for God's sake, if
some asshole harasses you,

stand your ground,
use it as a way

to win the audience early.

Capisce?

Capisce.

All right, so are we having
a good time, everyone?!

Yes!

You are, are you?

Wait till you get the bill.

Okay, enough of me
and my bad jokes.

Let's go on with the laughter.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please put your hands
together for Charlie Murray!

Someone heckles you,

for God's sake, shut him down.

Another fucking chick?

Problem?

It's okay, you can say it.

No offense, I just think
women suck at comedy.

And I think that if your
dick was as big as your mouth,

you'd have a date tonight.

Let 'em know you're
worth sticking around for.

So for the last year,

I've been trying to
be a better person.

And one of the ways I
thought I could do that

is by donating blood.

Has anyone here ever donated?

Good for you, that's your blood.

Fuck sharing.

And remember,
during your setup,

make sure the audience
can relate to you.

Make it personal for them.

Build common ground.

Well, I'm telling you now,

everyone in here should
be donating blood.

It's a great thing,

and I believe it can
make a huge difference

in allowing you to be smug

and remind those around
you that you're nicer

and better than them.

I even have this sticker
as a visual reminder.

You can actually get
hold of one of these

without even giving blood,

so if you have a busy schedule,
don't have the time...

I have a stash of these in
my purse if anyone needs one.

Try to take 'em so
far in one direction,

that when you reverse it,
they never see it coming.

Giving blood
can get you out of

all kinds of
annoying situations.

Take, for example, those
terrible, inconsiderate people,

oh, yeah, charity workers.

We do what we can to avoid them.

We keep our earphones in or
pretend we don't speak English.

And if you can make
it visual, great.

We pretend we're deaf,
but our sign language is.

Well, we don't know
sign language, do we?

But you don't need any of
that when you have this.

Stay in that zone.

Keep the energy flowing.

Emphasize words.

Repeat.

Wait, you want
me to donate money?

Oh, I see, you're
one of those people.

Well, as you can see,
I only donate blood.

You know, blood,
that stuff you need

to survive or you'll die?

That's right, you'll die.

Like, dead, gone, forever.

And I just give it away,
for free, just like that.

Can't transfuse money, folks.

Thanks. That's my time.

Well?

Come on.

It was okay, yeah.

And if you had one criticism?

I'm only allowed one?

Uh.

Okay, I'm listening.

Don't trap yourself
behind the mic stand.

You're hanging on to it
like it's a lifeline.

It's not gonna save you
from drowning up there.

Use the stage.

Own it.

There was a lot of potential
with what you just did.

Now, it's time to enjoy it.

This is supposed
to be fun, right?

- Right.
- Right.

Don't shy away from
the physical stuff.

People love slapstick.

You watch Richard
Pryor or Robin Williams

with the sound
down, still funny.

Comedy is more than just words.

But you did good.

Nice burn on Mr.
College over there.

Thanks.

Charlene.

I'm here for Daniel.

Come in.

It's so good to see you.

Your annual checkup
was just due, right?

I'm sorry, I have the
dates written down.

I wanted to call you
myself and ask, but...

I wouldn't have answered.

And I couldn't
deal with that again,

another door in the
face or another...

What does that have
to do with anything?

I need you to understand why
I stopped trying to mend us,

and how hard these past
two years have been

since you cut me out.

I found out you
cheated on my dad.

How did you expect me to react?

What do you want me to say?

Your father and I,
we drifted apart.

I fell in love with another man.

I am sorry, but it happens.

Well, it shouldn't.

Please, Charlene, I just
want you back in my life.

Like I said, I'm
here for Daniel.

Mm.

Well, go join the party.

I mean, everyone's
in the basement, so.

Okay.

Is it funny?

Hilarious.

I got takeout.

Please don't buy me food.

It's not for you.

How are things
with you, anyway?

Dave still being weird?

Dave wants us
to film ourselves.

That's nice?

No.

I'm not famous enough
to have a sex tape yet.

But it's good to
have career goals.

What is this?

It's my LA yogi bit.

Nice.

People love physical comedy.

It's about more
than just the words.

He tell you that?

Yeah.

There must be a thousand
other comics in this city,

I don't know why you
asked him for help.

He's not as big of a
jerk as he pretends to be.

Hm.

What?

I know you miss your dad...

That's not what this is about.

Okay.

Well, I'll leave you
to your research, then.

Kim.

I think,

I think maybe,

maybe you should do the tape.

There's porn
awards these

days. You could win a Porny.

Okay.

Bye.

And the
brachiosaurus was the tallest

of all the dinosaurs
in the Jurassic period.

It was as tall as

four school buses.

Next slide, please.

Hm?

What
have you done?

I don't know.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's dead.

You mean, extinct,
kinda like the dinosaurs.

Appropriate, no?

- I'm so sorry.
- Does anyone here have kids?

Why?!

Was it really a meteorite
that killed the dinosaurs?

Roar.

I'm just saying, it
could have been a bunch

of critical eight-year-olds

because they're
fucking terrifying.

That's not what
a T-Rex looks like.

I'll be honest,
I haven't spent

much time around dinosaurs,

and so that impression
was pretty shitty,

and it did not go unnoticed.

I gotta say, I really
feel for the T-Rex

that's not so good
with the ladies

because masturbation is
clearly not an option.

I would just like to point out

I did not do that
bit for the kids.

Thank you so much, guys.

You've been awesome.

It was a heart attack,
but it was painless.

Pain-free?

No.

It was painless and fast?

No.

The doctor said it was quick,
which is good thing, right,

which is amazing, apparently.

Hello?

You're supposed
to be helping me.

Sorry, I'm just...

Are you sure you wanna go there?

I think he'd appreciate it.

But I didn't wanna
hear it was quick

'cause that sounds too
much like quitting.

No, it's...

That's... that's
some weak-ass bullshit.

I mean, man up, show some fight.

Hello?

This is Charlene.

Really?

Can't I get them any sooner?

Okay.

Yeah.

I'll see you then.

Biopsy results?

I can't get them
till next week.

It'll be fine.

I hate the waiting.

I'm so fucking paranoid.

This used to be a perfectly
respectable greasy spoon,

now look at it.

Fucking gentrification, huh?

The hell's the matter with you?

Nothing.

Go on, cancer, you
know you want to.

Jerry Garcia's idiot brother.

Thailand, so bad, young
women will actually

fuck a corpse to get out.

Why are you judging
everybody that walks by?

I'm not judging,
I'm analyzing.

No, you're
judging and mocking.

You know, being your usual self.

I'm analyzing, and
you'll do it too.

- No, I won't.
- Yes, you will,

because you're gonna be on
stage one night prancing around

and you're gonna forget
what you were gonna say,

so you'll go with the front row.

You'll work someone for a laugh.

So the next person
who walks by here,

I want you to analyze 'em.

You mean judge.

They can't hear us.

And
that makes it okay?

Just do it.

Is an excellent mother,
will be a future doctor,

nominee for father of the year.

There.

What's up?

I just have a lot
going on right now.

You and everybody else.

Look, I booked you
in at Yuk Yuk's.

I'm not going on tonight.

Oh, you're one of those
fair-weather writers, huh?

Leave it at the door?

Make the stage your happy place.

Work your shit out up there.

All right,
folks, before we bring

our next act to the stage,

I just wanna take a moment
to send some love out

to the bar staff
here at Yuk Yuk's.

Andy, Kelly, Miranda,
you guys are awesome

and you make me wish
I had a real job

- so I could tip you better.
- Do us all a favor,

try smiling sometime.

It's almost
New Year's Eve

and the tickets for our annual

comedy spectacular
are selling out fast.

Trust me, you don't
wanna miss it.

Now, back to the comedy.

Your next performer is
a very funny young lady.

Please welcome to the
stage, Charlie Murray!

Evening.

Some guy just told me I
should try smiling more.

Yeah, I know.

That happen to any other women?

Yeah, hey, fucking
annoying, right?

"Smiling is the key to
good customer service."

"Oh, you're so much
prettier when you smile."

"Hey, if you smiled more,

"it would really
bring out your tits."

I bet men think that
if all of the women

in the world smiled in unison,
we'd cure fucking cancer.

So anyway, some more about me:

I'm 21, love movies,
enjoy eating takeout,

my dad died of a massive
heart attack two years ago,

love dogs, long walks.

What?

Who doesn't love dogs?

Oh, you mean about my dad dying!

That's all good, don't
worry about that.

The doctor said it
happened pretty quickly,

which is a good
thing, apparently.

Although, I have to be honest,

I was a little disappointed
when I heard that.

I mean, my dad always taught
me never to be a quitter.

And then his heart just
craps out just like that,

like in a matter of seconds.

That's some weak-ass bullshit!

I wanted to hear about
some sort of, like,

seven-day long new world
record of a heart attack

where his heart was
trying to crap out

and then his brain
just wouldn't let it.

Like, Heart: "I'm done."

Brain: "You're not
going anywhere."

"What's the point anymore?

"All the best food's
bad for me, anyway."

"Who is gonna pump all
the blood without you?"

"Beats me.

"Why don't you ask the appendix

"to do some fucking
work for once?"

Thank you.

Hey.

What?

Here.

What's wrong?

I took the cash
in, like you asked.

She gave it all back.

And she gave me that.

I'm sorry.

Can you blame her?

No, I don't, Bob.

How's the girl?

Charlie.

I like her.

I know you do.

Just not the way she reminds
you how you fucked up.

I get it.

Toss it.

You mean, out?

Horses.

You think you know someone...

Hey.

You made it.

So
is this like a job

or volunteering for pleasure?

And is that manure?

What brings a man more
pleasure than shoveling shit?

So
you do have a job.

If I didn't have a job,
Dennis would be out of business.

And we'd have never met.

Oh, so it's all
your fault, huh?

- Can I?
- Yeah.

My daughter loves horses.

I used to bring her here.

Between tours, I mean.

When she was little,
I'd lift her up,

she'd rest her head against
their necks, feel 'em breathing.

Do you see her much?

My daughter?

I see her every day.

She's beautiful.

Are you sure she's yours?

I really fucked things up.

I reach out to her, I
have over the years,

she's not ready to forgive me.

Maybe she never will be.

So, you thirsty, Charlene?

What did you just call me?

It's your name, isn't it?

If we're doing names
now, I prefer Charlie.

Well, Charlie, I
could use a drink.

Come on.

That's Buddy.

Hey, Bud.

Water?

You know you can
actually drink this stuff?

I mean, who knew?

That thing must be
practically full,

the amount you scribble in it.

Yeah.

Mind if I take a look?

Christ.

It's loaded.

It's not all mine.

That was my dad's notebook.

"A dyslexic walks into a bra."

Classic.

He loved that joke.

Your dad's a comic?

He wanted to be.

Hm.

My mom wouldn't have it.

There was me and
Daniel and a mortgage.

She wanted him to
get a real job.

Smart lady.

Well, people get into
it late these days.

- Maybe your dad...
- He's dead.

Huh.

- Well, that would...
- Make it difficult, yeah.

You asked me why I
wanted to do this...

You can't do it
for him, Charlie.

I'm not anymore.

I'm doing this for me.

So, where's your
mom in all this?

I don't know.

I don't really care.

I take it the two
of you are not close.

Haven't been
in a couple of years.

Why not?

She cheated on my dad.

They divorced.

It was a stressful time
and he had a heart attack.

I'm sorry.

But don't be too
hard on your mom.

Parents are human, we
do the best we can.

Sometimes, it
still isn't enough.

Just don't let it go too long.

Trust me, you'll regret it.

Well, this is a
fun conversation.

Hey, misery loves comedy.

You show me a happy comedian,
I'll show you a liar.

Charlene.

Come in.

So how's work?

It's been fine.

Daniel told me
you have a show.

Yeah, it's this contest thing.

Well, I'd like to
come, if you don't mind.

You don't have to.

I know it's not your thing.

No, I really wanna be there.

Charlie.

Care to join us?

As in you two?

No one else here.

Want you to go with me
to Eddie's tomorrow night.

It'll be good for you to see
the place before you play it.

Okay.

That should do it.

Give it a try.

That work?

Yeah.

Oh, my god, are you okay?!

You jerk.

What?

I'm just fucking with you.

Delivery.

I wonder who that could be.

Charlie Murray?

- Yeah.
- Sign here, please.

- What is it?
- It's big.

Let me grab it off
the truck for you.

Thanks.

I bought you a bed.

A bed?

Mm-hm.

Why?

Can you even afford that?

Oh, yeah, some smart-ass
has been paying me

to show her a few things, so.

Thank you very
much, you've been great.

Give it up for Eddie.

Guy was a fucking hack.

Be nice, it's a big room.

Who's the headliner?

Jeez, I don't know.

Guess we're gonna
have to wait and see.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have something
very special tonight.

In just a couple of weeks' time,

we're going to have to
share this next young lady

with the rest of the world

as she hits the road for a
completely sold out arena tour,

but tonight, she's
still all ours.

So let's go crazy
for New York City's

very own Tracy Johnson!

Come on, bring her out here!

Thank you!

I love you Brooklyn,

even though this is where
I met my ex, the rat.

I call him the rat because
he ate all my food,

was unemployed, and my
landlord couldn't get him

out of my apartment.

He wasn't a couch surfer.

It was more like the moment
he made contact with my sofa,

he sunk like he was
encased in concrete.

We met on the subway.

I thought he was a musician
because he had a guitar.

He made more money
when he didn't play it.

You know, it's tricky,

'cause the lighting can be
very flattering in a subway.

And he looked like
an attractive rodent,

like the type that you might
wanna test cosmetics on.

Actually, he turned
out to be a feral rat

that carried the plague.

It's okay, you guys,
I just finished

my last course of antibiotics.

Thank you, you guys are awesome.

Woo.

Woo!

So what'd you think?

Amazing.

Thank you for bringing me.

You hungry?

I could eat.

I'm gonna go have a smoke.

When I get back, I'll
take you for a bite.

Okay.

Bob.

Damn.

Eddie.

Fuck, I thought
it was you in there.

Jesus, man, how is it
you're still alive?

Ah, one of the mysteries
of modern science, Ed.

Right on.

Wanna go up and do
a couple of minutes

just for old time's sake?

No, I'm good, thanks.

Huh, all right.

Say, who's the chick
you're with, by the way?

Chick?

Oh, nah, she's a young comic,
just showing her the ropes.

Screwing her?

Eddie, I'm a lot of
things, I'm not that.

Bullshit.

You got more ass
than anybody in town

back in the day, brother.

That was a long time ago.

You're welcome for
the set the other night.

What?

You were riffing
off what I said.

You see, that's the
kinda person I am,

you know, just always trying
to build up the little guys.

You know, maybe if
you ask me nicely,

I'll let you open
for me sometime.

Huh, I didn't know
busboys had openers.

I'm gonna go.

Yeah.

So you're telling me that
you're just training a comic?

That's it.

What the
fuck happened to you?

Yeah, tell me about it.

So, mind if I take a shot?

A shot?

- With her?
- Yeah.

Eddie, you're a hundred
fucking years old.

Well, fuck you.

I've still got a dick.

And it still
doesn't suck itself.

So what do you say?

I say she's a millennial

with daddy issues
and a pipe dream.

There's nothing remotely
special about that girl,

so don't waste your time.

Chicks with daddy
issues are the very best.

They'll do anything for you.

Eddie.

Yeah?

You and I go back a long way.

- Yeah.
- Leave the girl alone.

All right.

You ready?

What?

Hey!

Hey!

What the hell's going on?!

I don't care if
you think I suck,

but if you have something
to say, say it to my face.

What are you talking about?

"A millennial with daddy
issues and a pipe dream"?

Seriously?

Okay, listen to me...

You're
a piece of shit.

- Charlie...
- No.

I guess the people
agree with you.

I don't get it, I
think she's funny.

So do I.

I got your text.

Biopsy results.

This is great.

Why aren't you happy?

I am.

How's prep with Bob going?

It's not.

We're done.

What?

We're done.

But what about the contest?

I don't want him there.

I don't think he cares, anyway.

Bob fucking Carpenter.

That's my actual middle name.

And you are?

Kim, Charlie's friend.

Best friend, actually,
so I know everything.

Look, I'm an asshole.

What I said, it's not
what it sounded like,

certainly not what I meant.

So fix it.

She's performing at
Eddie's tomorrow night.

You should be there.

She doesn't want me there.

Yeah, she does.

You may have been
an asshole, Bob,

but you've done more than
help her make people laugh.

Thank you, thank
you, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, so, feminism
is largely bad.

Yeah, but you know what,
there are some positives.

First, it made it okay
for women to be sluts,

and I fucking love
that kinda girl power.

You know, I'd say
I'm body-positive,

in that I'm positive I
want your body on me.

Fatties need not apply.

And I love the Women's March.

You know, it got my
roommate's girlfriend

out of the apartment.

You know, I just wish
she had kept marching

and never came
back, but she did,

so I guess she just
wasn't that dedicated

to the cause, I suppose.

You know, if women
are so oppressed,

then how am I hearing
about it all the time?!

Seriously, "Ooh, I
want equal rights!"

"Ooh, I want equal pay!"

"Ooh, don't grab my
pussy, Mr. President."

Slap.

No, and now I need tampons
because my ears are bleeding

from having to
listen to this shit

and I need something
to stop the flow.

Tampax.

So do feminists really
know what oppression means?

Like, the textbook definition.

You live in New
York fucking City.

The only oppressive
thing about living here

is the crushing weight
of your broken dreams.

That's it for me tonight, folks.

Thank you so much for having me.

And give it up for
your wonderful host!

Nice job, Paul.

Beautiful, man.

Very, very nice.

And we're gonna keep
the funny going tonight

because coming up on
the stage right now

is a very funny young
lady from the Bronx,

but please don't hold
that against her.

Let's make some noise now,
please, for Charlie Murray!

There she is!

Come on!

Charlie!

Thank you.

So, when I was 18, I was
diagnosed with cancer.

Wow, tough crowd.

Now, I don't wanna brag,

but you are in the
presence of greatness.

It was skin cancer.

I am black.

That shit is rare.

I'm like a unicorn.

I'm like a unicorn who's
dating the Easter Bunny.

No, I'm like a unicorn who's
dating the Easter Bunny,

whose best friend is Jesus.

That's how fucking
rare and special I am.

And you all get to watch me
on stage for just a few bucks.

How fucking lucky
are all of you?

As you can see, I am not a
stereotypical black girl.

I have no ass, no aversion
to getting my hair wet,

and I had skin cancer.

I basically had my black
card revoked by this point.

Still have my
marijuana card, though.

Yes.

And what better excuse to smoke
weed is there than cancer?

I mean, not even your mom can
tell you no at that point.

Isn't that right, Mom?

Hey, Mom.

That's my mom, everybody.

I was a teenager lighting up
a joint in the living room,

like, "Y'all better be
thankful I'm hitting this blunt

"and not biting the dust."

And there would be
nothing anyone could say!

Getting cancer has
made me super paranoid.

Like, I am afraid of any
and all sources of light.

I am the only person

who's actually not
comforted by a nightlight.

I've sort of just accepted
that I'm gonna come down

with some other
illness in my life,

so now I spend most of my time
looking up ailments online

and praying for a
really, really good one,

like, it's some
sort of fucked up

catalog service that God offers.

Not arthritis, that's boring.

Not an STD either,

I can find a diseased and
willing dick on my own.

Maybe something more
like glaucoma or anxiety

because I've already got a stash

of, like, 20 years
worth of Kush.

Thank you so much, everyone.

Thanks, everybody.

Thank you.

Thank you, you've been amazing.

Oh, there's nothing
wrong with second,

but you should have won.

Ah, winning contests
doesn't mean shit.

Hey.

Why don't you do us all a favor?

Try smiling sometime.

Told you it'd
suck a little less.

I hope you know that
your dad would be so proud.

And so am I.

So proud.

Mm.

Bob was there.

Just so you know.

You should have seen his face.

- Food?
- Food.

Yeah. Okay.

Whoa.

I decided to embrace
the inevitable.

Well, good for you.

So how did our young
Charlie do tonight?

She did great.

Bruce Willis.

That's who you look like now.

Ha, should have
done that years ago.

Wanna grab a coffee?

Yippee-ki-yay.

You know where the key is.

Why do
you wanna do this?

What's wrong with just
wanting to make people laugh?

Mm, you're lonely, aren't you?

I saw your show tonight.

I heard.

You did good.

Why didn't you tell
me you had cancer?

You never asked.

It's okay.

I'm fine now.

I'm glad.

You look good up there.

Maybe you should
give it another shot.

You know, watching you
tonight, did cross my mind.

Ooh, a baby boomer
with heckling issues?

Ugh, I don't know, Bob.

After everything
I've done for you,

least you can do is
give me a few tips.

Okay.

Well, first off, you need
to work on your posture.

- Really?
- Yeah, no one wants to watch

a slouchy comic.

And no focusing on the floor.

You're not looking
for loose change.

Make eye contact.

Build common ground.

Remember, a comic is judged
every 12 seconds of his life.

Her.

Her life.

Write this down,
this is important.

The first joke of a set
has gotta be the best one.

You gotta make a splash.

Make sure they know you're
gonna show 'em a good time.