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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:07,400 WwW.SubYab.CoM Subtitles ripped by Worst 2 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:25,634 Andy, what have we got penciled for Episode 6? 3 00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:28,071 The bogus therapy center or that bloke who's fobbing off 4 00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:30,873 St Thomas' transplant unit with buffalo parts. 5 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:32,752 Yes... hold that space 6 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:34,552 I've just been for a dip at the sports centre 7 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:37,114 in Whitbury Newtown... weird place! 8 00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:39,435 Woman on reception looks like she's been released 9 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:42,154 into the community and a fella dishing out towels 10 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:43,918 looks like he's got some flesh eating disease. 11 00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:45,314 Yes well, we've done the health and safety piece 12 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:46,350 already this series. 13 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:49,995 Yes but the public have a right to know... besides it's just 14 00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:51,838 round the corner so it will be cheap to film! 15 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:55,549 That Nigerian trip has blown the entire budget 16 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:59,029 speaking of which... here is the secret filming 17 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:01,515 from inside that millionaire's villa in Lagos. 18 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:04,438 You know the white slave trader who's been 19 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:05,754 claiming social security. 20 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:07,154 We had to panicky call from the housekeeper, 21 00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:09,111 she wants to keep her identity protected. 22 00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:12,835 No way! No, no we have to see those lash marks on her cheeks. 23 00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:15,990 It took our make up girl an hour and a half to do that. 24 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:18,510 Well the release could always get lost in the post, 25 00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:19,834 couldn't it? 26 00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:20,915 Yes, it happens all the time. 27 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:24,037 Hello Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre? 28 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:26,196 Yes, can I speak to a Mr Britts please? 29 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:30,350 Well the woman on reception told me it was Britts. 30 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:33,633 Brittas, alright yes I'll hold. 31 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:36,513 I'll arrange the interview for later this afternoon 32 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:38,551 and sneak round with a secret camera earlier. 33 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:41,836 Hello Mr Brittas? 34 00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:45,635 It's Roger Ferguson here, Crusader Television. 35 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:50,915 I was wondering if we could pop round and interview you for a... 36 00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:54,316 ...for a documentary we're doing? 37 00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:58,196 You'd be delighted? Excellent! 38 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,390 Yes, 3 o'clock this afternoon? 39 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:03,956 Ok, look forward to seeing you then, bye. 40 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:08,595 Right Brittas... I'm gonna have you for breakfast! 41 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:18,028 Come on then what do you want, tea or coffee? 42 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:22,311 That's a very interesting question Julie and one that must 43 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:25,955 be taken very seriously indeed, especially as the overall 44 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:29,038 well being of my staff has to be taken into account. 45 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:30,639 Because you know... 46 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:34,032 at the end of the day, it's... 47 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:37,630 at the end of the day it's their commitment to the customer 48 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:41,753 here at Whitbury Leisure Centre that is of paramount importance 49 00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:43,711 You've lost me. 50 00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:45,558 Julie you've just been handled. 51 00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:46,829 You what? 52 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:50,236 I turned your question into an opportunity to make a policy 53 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:53,079 statement on behalf of Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre 54 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:56,715 primary skill in media and public relations Julie. 55 00:02:56,840 --> 00:03:00,196 This afternoon we have a company called Crusader Television 56 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:01,878 coming to make a documentary about us. 57 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:04,309 Tell the staff... briefing in one hour please. 58 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:06,594 Is that tea or coffee then? 59 00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:09,594 Firstly, I think it's important we put 60 00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:12,518 tea and coffee in context. 61 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:15,274 - Can we open them? - No 62 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:16,594 - Why not? - Dunno! 63 00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:18,597 Morning, morning everyone! 64 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:23,311 Glad to see everyone in such high spirits this morning. 65 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:27,069 Right, as you know this afternoon a television company 66 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:30,317 is coming to the centre to do a documentary about us. 67 00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:33,910 You'll be sharing your lives with six million others. 68 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:35,519 I told you we needed a bigger duvet. 69 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:40,552 So it is vital that what we say and how we present ourselves 70 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,717 comes across as positively as possible. 71 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:46,115 Oakey Dokey you can open your packs... now! 72 00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:48,071 I haven't got a pack Mr Brittas. 73 00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:49,394 What's this? 74 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:50,999 Those are your scripts. 75 00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:52,473 But we don't know what they are going to ask us yet! 76 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:55,319 Right rule number one Linda of handling the media, 77 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:57,590 take the game to them, dictate the agenda. 78 00:03:57,720 --> 00:03:59,358 Mr Brittas, I haven't got a pack. 79 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:00,230 Who's this? 80 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:01,839 That is your wife and children. 81 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,109 My what? 82 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:06,198 Essential for all seated interview situations, 83 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:09,517 vase of flowers on one side, family photo behind. 84 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,312 Calming, reassuring 85 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:12,634 Mr Brittas 86 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:14,591 Look Gavin, I know you wouldn't have chosen carnations 87 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:16,199 but we don't have a lot of time. 88 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:19,437 Also in your packs you'll find a timetable for your make over 89 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:20,754 and a list of sound bytes. 90 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:21,995 Mr Brittas! 91 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:24,873 Platform heels were only a suggestion, Linda. 92 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,116 We can always find you a waste paper bin to stand on. 93 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:28,434 Mr Brittas! 94 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:29,788 If it's about the cosmetic dentistry... 95 00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:33,196 My bottom Mr Brittas does not need tucking! 96 00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:34,594 I haven't got a pack Mr Brittas. 97 00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:36,233 This whole thing is absolutely outrageous, 98 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:38,157 why can't we be our natural selves? 99 00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:41,192 People pick up on the slightest thing Linda. 100 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:46,269 Take me for example to all of you I'm in charge, 101 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:47,753 I'm in control. 102 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:51,589 I oversee a vastly sophisticated operation 103 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:53,915 yet something is letting me down, 104 00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:57,237 something is sending out a signal that I'm not in charge 105 00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:00,272 that I may well be making a bit of a fool of myself. 106 00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:02,590 Any guesses? 107 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:03,948 Mr Brittas 108 00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:05,274 Exactly 109 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:08,358 Tie and hanky not co-ordinated! 110 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,272 Television is merciless. 111 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:13,594 Mr Brittas! 112 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,280 Right go away and learn those scripts please. 113 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:17,874 What is it Colin? 114 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,355 - I haven't got a pack - Er, no. 115 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:23,074 Please tell me they're going to film my new methane generator. 116 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:25,270 I'm sorry about that accident the other day Mr Brittas, 117 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:27,118 if I'd known there was going to be a wedding ceremony... 118 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:28,719 It's alright Colin it'll be in. 119 00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:31,274 And the children's corner, my snake breeding program 120 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:33,436 has exceeded wildest expectations. 121 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:36,677 Colin please relax they are a vital part of the program. 122 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:40,998 However, I do have to tell you that... 123 00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:45,830 TV prefers the bland, the inoffensive, the camera friendly 124 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:49,475 people like yourself with distinctive, characterful looks 125 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:51,875 can often be cruelly distorted. 126 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,070 And you wouldn't like that would you? 127 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:55,633 I wouldn't Mr Brittas, no. 128 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:57,398 Right so, as a special favor, 129 00:05:57,520 --> 00:05:59,750 I've hired a double to stand in for you. 130 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:03,672 Thank you Mr Brittas. 131 00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:06,071 Welcome to Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre 132 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,599 how may I help you? 133 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:11,235 Steady with those arms Carole. Too many gestures distract. 134 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,710 Welcome to Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre, how may 135 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,918 Welcome to Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre, how may I help 136 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:19,553 I'm sorry 137 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:23,719 Carole watch me. Welcome to Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre, 138 00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:25,114 how can I help you? 139 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:28,514 Got it? 140 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:32,633 Welcome to Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre, how may I help? 141 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,079 I'm sorry Mr Brittas. 142 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:38,079 Carole there's only one thing for it... turn round please. 143 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:39,428 Yes Mr Brittas. 144 00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:41,353 Right, give me your arms. 145 00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:42,674 Yes Mr Brittas. 146 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:44,711 - What are you doing Mr Brittas? - There you go. 147 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:47,111 Right, again please. 148 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,832 Welcome to Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre, 149 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,279 how may I help you? 150 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:51,594 Perfect. 151 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:52,755 Yes but my hands... Mr... 152 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:55,553 Colin, what are you doing? 153 00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:56,908 He's just having a swim. 154 00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:58,598 It's against all the regulations. 155 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:00,119 He's nearly four. 156 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:02,117 He's a rat! 157 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:07,598 He is not a rat! He is an Agunati. Good lad! 158 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:09,039 They spread disease, 159 00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:10,991 he should never have left children's corner. 160 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:12,314 We will have to tell Mr Brittas, 161 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:13,839 the water will have to be changed. 162 00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:17,316 Oh, please don't do that Linda he lives for his morning swim. 163 00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:18,839 He's cooped up all day in his pen 164 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,951 dreaming of his lake in the Andes 165 00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:23,710 I'm sorry Colin if you don't, I will. 166 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:27,230 Look, the only way they infect the water is if they do their... 167 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,159 Oh! 168 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:33,115 Must be the bit of black pudding I gave him for breakfast. 169 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:37,357 I was just thinking how lucky we are 170 00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:39,038 we've got good staff relationships 171 00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:42,675 a subsidised canteen with at least two vegetarian options. 172 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:45,360 and uninterrupted views of interesting 173 00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:46,799 parkland and shrubbery. 174 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,673 Mr Brittas I can't do this, it's so contrived. 175 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:53,031 Nonsense. It sounded fine. Let's go from the top again please 176 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:54,832 and Tim, a little bit more passion on 177 00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:56,791 stacking the safety floats. 178 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,034 Mr Brittas, I think it's time we changed the water in the pool. 179 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:03,879 No, it's... I think it's time we roped off the ducklings, 180 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,274 and you've come in far too early. 181 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:06,833 No, I really mean it! 182 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:07,915 Now what page are you on? 183 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:10,679 I'm nowhere Mr Brittas, we must change the pool water. 184 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,950 Linda, as soon as we start ad libbing 185 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:14,433 the whole thing falls apart. 186 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:15,788 I'm not ad libbing I'm trying to... 187 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:18,673 Right... let's take it again from the top of scene three please. 188 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:20,358 Come on... out you go, come on! 189 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:22,313 Welcome to Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre, 190 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:23,714 how may I help you? 191 00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:26,434 Hi, I'm Colin... Colin Wetherby. 192 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:29,958 Yes, and I'm Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine. 193 00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:33,755 Actually I'm Brett Daniels, I'm standing in for him today. 194 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:36,549 Ah, you must be the model. Come with me. 195 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:37,908 Mr Brittas, Mr Brittas! 196 00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:39,234 You're doing fine Carole. 197 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:41,799 Can I have my bag please? 198 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:43,148 Yes of course. 199 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:52,436 Colin, this is Brett, he's going to be your double today. 200 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:53,834 Hi. 201 00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:56,954 I'll just have a quick dip and a workout before I'm on call, 202 00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:58,798 - alright? - Of course. 203 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:06,715 That's what the camera likes Colin. 204 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:14,079 This is shameful Mr Brittas! 205 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:16,191 You can't just dump Colin like this. 206 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:18,595 No-one said anything about dumping. 207 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:22,030 He's simply being enhanced a bit when he's in vision. 208 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:24,198 And on sound. 209 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:28,753 Hi, I'm Colin. I've just unblocked cubicle three 210 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:31,110 and I've put alpine fresh in the urinals. 211 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:35,071 Now if anybody wants me, I'll be outside in the car park 212 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,760 waiting for the chicken droppings delivery. 213 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:40,993 Does he really say things like that? 214 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:45,871 Oh, yes, yes. Brett, this is Tim, this is Linda. 215 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:47,194 - Hi. - Hi. 216 00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:48,673 This is Gavin 217 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:50,474 Hi! 218 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:55,028 Hi! 219 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:58,393 I'll just get myself ready then Mr Brittas, if it's ok 220 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:00,431 I might catch ten minutes on the tanning bed. 221 00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:02,039 Yes that's fine B. 222 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,754 Mr Brittas, I'm not standing for this. 223 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:08,108 Nor am I. 224 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:10,708 Personally, I think Brett should be given a chance! 225 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:15,638 Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Colin. 226 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:18,797 I don't understand. 227 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:22,435 I won the most beautiful baby at the Bishop Auckland cattle show. 228 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:29,835 That's me at school, teachers pet three years running. 229 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,188 What's that? 230 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:33,356 Ah it was a game she had, if we were good in class 231 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:35,072 we got to wear a paper bag over our heads. 232 00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:38,591 And at secondary school? 233 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:40,551 I was in all the school plays you know, 234 00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:41,999 Phantom of the Opera, 235 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:43,348 The Man in the Iron Mask, 236 00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:46,068 Moby Dick! 237 00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:53,072 Aah... Romeo and Juliet. I played Romeo, 238 00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:55,998 we did a modern version set in the East End. 239 00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:59,430 There I am Romeo the bank robber with a sawn-off shotgun and a... 240 00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:02,154 stocking over my... head. 241 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:06,949 Oh my God! 242 00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:09,674 All these years and I thought... 243 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:11,558 Loss of self-esteem, Colin? 244 00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:13,999 Happens to us all sometimes. 245 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:17,910 Main thing is to keep your dignity and rise above it. 246 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:19,919 It just happened to me. 247 00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:23,350 I went on a revenge reconciliation week. 248 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:26,553 Hit it off with this man, he seemed like my soul mate, 249 00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:29,592 same star sign, same childhood trauma. 250 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:32,595 On the final night we went back to his room for some... 251 00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:34,594 Shiatsu. 252 00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:37,712 And after we finished Shiatsu I went into the bathroom and... 253 00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:40,195 found his wallet lying open on the floor. 254 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:44,469 He wasn't who he said he was at all, he was a damn journalist 255 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:47,239 come to investigate our Guru, he'd used me! 256 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:51,431 He had a secret camera hidden in his briefcase. 257 00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:57,918 Anyway... I conquered my feelings, put it all behind me. 258 00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:00,270 I can honestly say I've completely, 259 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:01,719 got 260 00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:03,068 over 261 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:04,394 him 262 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:21,515 A spot! 263 00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:24,151 Oh my God I've got a spot! 264 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:28,877 What is going on here? You know you're not allowed to faint 265 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,070 in a place that might cause an obstruction. 266 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,838 He's broken out in spots Mr Brittas. 267 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,871 Look how they are sweating! It's fever. 268 00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:36,194 Mr Brittas, Mr Brittas come quick please, please! 269 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:37,673 Not now Carole. 270 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,233 Come with me Linda. 271 00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:42,679 Now come on Brett. 272 00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:46,240 Come on, let Mr Brittas have a quick look at your face. 273 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:47,588 Go away! 274 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:49,870 Oh come on, let's just have a little peep, go on. 275 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,878 Brett, show me your face, there's a good model. 276 00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:59,228 Uuurrgghh! 277 00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:01,715 - That is ghastly! - Yep, it's a tragedy! 278 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:03,239 He's got a fever too! 279 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:04,793 We'll have to check the whole centre. 280 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:07,714 I'd better call your agent, they'll dock your fee for this. 281 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:40,156 LINDA: Oh my God! Colin what have you done? 282 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:45,714 Hello! 283 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:48,918 No you're fine! 284 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:53,194 Marvellous. 285 00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:57,674 Ah! 286 00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:59,028 SCREAMING! 287 00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:02,357 It's OK ladies... just checking... yes, fine. 288 00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:06,318 Well it's definitely everyone who used the pool. 289 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:09,318 Right, have Tim and Linda round up everyone who's used it today 290 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,715 and quarantine them in squash courts two and three. 291 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:13,673 Hadn't we better close the centre down? 292 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:15,233 Why Gavin? 293 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:17,590 Well, we've clearly got an outbreak of some sort of 294 00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:19,073 highly contagious disease. 295 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,394 No we don't! 296 00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:23,478 It's just a minor incident, which we must contain 297 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:26,672 and manage in such a way so as not to cause panic 298 00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:29,598 and hence spoil the enjoyment of other people. 299 00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:32,518 Module 3, we did it after coffee and doughnuts. 300 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:34,434 Right. 301 00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:37,518 TIM: In you go, you've been great, come along now, let's go. 302 00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:38,834 In you go, in you go. 303 00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:40,439 What the hell is going on? 304 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:42,118 - Um. - Fire drill. 305 00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:44,435 - Fire drill - Yes, fire drill! 306 00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:46,915 In there, let's go, ok that's it. 307 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:51,873 So what do we say if people ask about the pool being closed? 308 00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:53,474 Operational reasons. 309 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:55,592 Why have the swimmers been locked up in the squash courts? 310 00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:57,791 Our monthly random verruca check... 311 00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:00,390 And the hysterical banging on the doors? 312 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,592 They're rehearsing the Whitbury Carnival while they wait. 313 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,312 Look as far as everyone else is concerned 314 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:07,795 everything is normal and it's business as usual. 315 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:13,870 Right, scabies, shingles, tropical viruses, hello... 316 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:17,390 sudden rash of pustules accompanied by fever, 317 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:20,956 tropical viral infection transmitted only in water 318 00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:24,868 usually prevalent in swamp areas. Bobula fever. 319 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,558 Bobula fever? 320 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:29,319 Usually originating in rodents 321 00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:33,752 Incubation period 24 hours to 7 days, outlook if treated in time 322 00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:35,996 full recovery possible, if not 323 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:38,190 oh, there's a page missing! 324 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:43,632 We don't have any rodents in the pool, unless we've 325 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:45,751 suddenly got very slack in issuing leisure cards. 326 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,876 Nah, we can rule out Bobula fever. 327 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:53,117 Um, Mr Brittas. Colin's got something to say. 328 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:55,196 Thyrotixicosis... pardon? 329 00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:56,833 There might have been... 330 00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:58,394 Yes Colin? 331 00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:01,080 one or two rodents who might have got into 332 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,031 contact with the pool, a little bit. 333 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:06,670 It's just the Agunati's were getting so cooped up 334 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,028 in children's corner and... 335 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:10,071 How much contact exactly Colin? 336 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,236 Enough for them to learn butterfly. 337 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:16,832 Colin Wetherby, I'm surprised at you! You of all people. 338 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:20,111 Not only have you put the lives of the entire population of 339 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:22,629 Whitbury at risk, but you've also broken Leisure Centre 340 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:25,399 regulation 38b concerning amphibious 341 00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:27,397 and semi-amphibious wildlife. 342 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:32,149 These things spread like crazy, it'll be up the M3 round the M25 343 00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:33,918 and on mainland Europe by the weekend. 344 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:36,478 I don't think so, Mr Brittas, the road works in the 345 00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:37,828 Surrey section are terrible. 346 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:40,114 I'll deal with you later Colin. 347 00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:43,675 I want those animals disposed of now please. 348 00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:47,155 It's because you're not camera friendly isn't it? 349 00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:49,748 That's why Mr Brittas wants you put down. 350 00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:53,917 If you were peacocks or tigers, glamorous animals, 351 00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:55,758 that would be quite a different matter. 352 00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,791 I just can't do it. 353 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,557 Right well I've phoned Whitbury Hospital tropical disease unit 354 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:05,875 and they're sending round a consultant with a batch of 355 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:07,194 anti-Bobula serum. 356 00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:08,912 Excellent Julie! 357 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:11,716 So, what are you gonna do if the press get hold of this? 358 00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:13,512 You know how they made a mountain out of a molehill 359 00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:14,755 when the centre burned down. 360 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:17,314 All handling our friends in the media Julie. 361 00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:20,193 Nip it in the bud with some swift positive action. 362 00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:22,514 Hello, Whitbury Evening News? 363 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:24,232 News desk please. 364 00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:27,998 Hello Gordon Brittas, Manager of Whitbury Leisure Centre. 365 00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:30,953 I'd just like to quell any rumours you might have heard 366 00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:33,992 about there being an outbreak of contagious disease here at 367 00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:35,394 the leisure centre. 368 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:38,990 Oh and by the way, it's definitely not Bobula fever. 369 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:41,988 There you go, piece of cake! 370 00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:45,279 I'm from the Whitbury Evening News may I speak to Mr Brittas? 371 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:47,709 Business as usual, everything is normal! 372 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:50,229 TELEPHONE RINGS 373 00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:52,476 Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre. everything's normal, 374 00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:53,874 business as usual. 375 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:56,076 Excuse me, I think I left my wallet here. 376 00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:58,549 Operational reasons, everything's normal. 377 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:01,480 I was in earlier, I think I left my wallet in the changing room 378 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:02,828 or the swimming pool. 379 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:05,713 Swimming Pool! You were in the swimming pool? Today? 380 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:09,753 We'll stick him in court number three! 381 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:12,471 Everything's normal, business as usual. 382 00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:23,271 JULIE: Oh, there's another one turned up. 383 00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:25,709 Yeah, it's a mystery to me Julie how it got out. 384 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:30,277 We've obviously got a leak, have all staff report for fresh 385 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,595 security clearance first thing in the morning please. 386 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:34,073 Right, so what do we do now? 387 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:37,559 Well, there's only one thing to do Julie, we'll have a 388 00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:40,114 press conference, that'll knock it on the head! 389 00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:44,989 At 10.28 this morning, a minor incident occurred here at 390 00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:48,351 Whitbury Newtown Leisure Center. Our staff fully qualified in 391 00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:51,472 such minor incidents, took appropriate steps to deal with 392 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:52,874 the minor incident. 393 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,797 Why is the pool closed? 394 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:57,036 Why have you cordoned off areas of the building and 395 00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:00,470 why have you lost an entire swim class since this morning? 396 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:03,190 And why do you people in the media always focus on the 397 00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:06,232 negative side of things. When so much of what happens in this 398 00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:10,512 leisure centre is a success story. Last year 600 people 399 00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:14,030 visited this centre and nearly 500 returned home without any 400 00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:15,878 loss of life or serious injury. 401 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:19,229 Right end of conference please... right out you go! 402 00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:31,591 I can't get in Angie, they said it's closed 'til further notice. 403 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:33,959 Yeah, something very fishy going on here... 404 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,275 Yeah ok, keep me posted 405 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:40,678 Right, I think this is a job for Brian Watkins, 406 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:43,109 Whitbury Area Health Authority! 407 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:47,675 if it does the trick... OK let's fire her up! 408 00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:50,232 Thank God for the Japanese! 409 00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,360 Right, I'll start with a camera piece outside the centre. 410 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:57,592 Oh no... spots! Blimey! 411 00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:03,917 Sorry we are closed today. 412 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:06,831 Oh Whitbury Hospital? 413 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:11,439 You must be Doctor Simpson. 414 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:12,959 Er... yes, yes, that's me. 415 00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:14,798 Well you've not come a moment too soon, 416 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:16,638 bit of a crisis going on here. 417 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:17,954 Really? 418 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:19,274 You have got the serum haven't you? 419 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:22,517 Serum, yes... It's in the car. I'll have a look round first. 420 00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:25,229 Feel free, the bulk of the casualties are 421 00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:26,634 down that corridor there. 422 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:28,193 Casualties... right! 423 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:31,437 By the way, I'd prefer it if you didn't say anything to the media 424 00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:32,834 just at the moment please. 425 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,188 Mum's the word! 426 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:36,439 Business as usual, everything's normal. 427 00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:38,957 If you need anything, give me a shout. 428 00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:41,719 No, no... I'll er... I'll be fine. 429 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:45,394 Carole, try and use your arms a bit more, 430 00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:46,714 you're looking terribly wooden. 431 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:55,430 Hello Roger, I've found you now, found where you live, 432 00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:59,075 where you work, where you park your car. 433 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:00,872 Before you turn on the engine, 434 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:04,913 take a quick look on the back seat, I've found you a present. 435 00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:07,234 Does Colin know you've got this? 436 00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:08,918 Oh, he's got another sixteen of them Julie. 437 00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:13,795 Julie, while I think about it, this afternoon's looking a touch 438 00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:16,115 congested, better postpone that Roger Ferguson. 439 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:18,038 Roger Ferguson the reporter he's coming here? 440 00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:20,589 He's coming to the centre to do a documentary my darling. 441 00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:22,837 Well it's a bit late now he'll be on his way. 442 00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:24,871 You can't let him in here, he's a muck raker, 443 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:26,513 he'll tear this place apart. 444 00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:28,471 My darling, what is there to tear apart? 445 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:31,239 This place is a jewel in the crown of our nation's sports 446 00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:32,554 and fitness heritage. 447 00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:34,636 No, I met him on my therapy week, he goes round 448 00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:37,274 impersonating people he's even got a secret camera hidden 449 00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:38,594 in his briefcase. 450 00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:42,713 Whoa... well that's a different matter. Using false ID to enter 451 00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:45,752 centre premises is a serious breach of the regulations. 452 00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:49,836 Carole, get Gavin, Tim and Linda to be on the lookout for someone 453 00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,269 with a false ID, carrying a briefcase 454 00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:53,594 - Fortyish - Fortyish 455 00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:54,869 - Brown hair. - Brown hair. 456 00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:57,230 - Calvin Klein underpants - Calvin Klein underpants 457 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:16,674 Come in, we've been waiting for you. 458 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:19,553 Hey! I'm a doctor. 459 00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:21,714 Get his briefcase. 460 00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:24,753 Help! 461 00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:26,108 Help! 462 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:27,434 Help! 463 00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:29,516 There's no camera in there. Right, strip him! 464 00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:30,630 Help! 465 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:34,676 For the last time my name is Geoffrey Simpson, Senior 466 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:38,076 Consultant at Whitbury Hospital viral diseases unit. 467 00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:41,716 What more do you want? You've got my ID card, my driving 468 00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:43,558 license, my video club card... 469 00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:47,434 Don't push it sunshine! So far you've been caught trespassing, 470 00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:50,632 using our car park without a prepay ticket and falsifying 471 00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:53,957 identity documents. I could have you banned from this leisure 472 00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:56,071 centre for the rest of your living days. 473 00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:57,714 Leave me alone. 474 00:22:57,840 --> 00:22:59,068 Shut up! 475 00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:00,713 British Home Stores Mr Brittas. 476 00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:03,351 Just wait until I let my lawyers loose on this. 477 00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:06,311 Gordon, what on earth is going on in here? 478 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:09,193 My darling we have found your reporter friend, trying to pass 479 00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:10,548 himself off as a doctor. 480 00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:11,908 Oh, that's not him! 481 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:14,358 Linda off you get, off you get! 482 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:18,759 Sorry about that Doctor Simpson. We upped security a bit this 483 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:20,472 morning. Had a couple of bum bags go missing. 484 00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:33,553 Right. We've got enough serum for about forty it's fast 485 00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:37,116 acting a mixture of morphine, opium and trimoxyl and that 486 00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:39,959 should keep the fever down, but before they'll have a high and 487 00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:42,230 experience delirium for about six hours. 488 00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:45,158 Ooh... I think I'm coming down with it too Gordon. 489 00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:49,436 Any overflow, I'll arrange ambulance transfer to 490 00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:50,754 Whitbury Hospital. 491 00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:53,668 Well at least we've located the source of the outbreak, 492 00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:56,394 I'm afraid we had a touch of rodent infestation. 493 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:58,398 No, no, no... it didn't start here. The Foreign Office have 494 00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:01,239 been trying to trace eight people in the Whitbury area who 495 00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:04,352 stayed at the Peanut Hotel in Lagos over the last two weeks. 496 00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:06,471 They've all got the disease and one of them must have 497 00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:07,271 used your pool. 498 00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:10,040 Hang on a minute Mr Brittas, if this is the real Doctor Simpson, 499 00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:11,798 who's the other chap roaming the centre at the moment? 500 00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:13,999 Roger Ferguson! 501 00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:16,116 The journalist... Crusader Television. 502 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:19,269 He's one of the eight we're looking for. He was filming in 503 00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:21,470 Lagos last week, flew back on Tuesday night. 504 00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:23,949 Yes, I remember now, he said he was going to Nigeria. 505 00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:26,594 I remember seeing his hepatitis jab on his backside... 506 00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:28,073 His back! 507 00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:31,674 Yesterday! 508 00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:33,028 What? 509 00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:34,513 Could it be that bulgy guy with a bathing cap, the one who 510 00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:35,834 kept asking all those questions? 511 00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:38,628 If he used the pool he would be the one who 512 00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:39,988 introduced the disease. 513 00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:41,314 Then what are we waiting for? 514 00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:43,635 Oh no you don't he's all mine! 515 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:46,553 Oh my darling, I'm glad you feel as strongly about trespassers as 516 00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:48,636 I do, but I'm afraid this is a job for... 517 00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:51,148 Helen? 518 00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:53,634 JULIE: I see you got over him then. 519 00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:56,798 Oh yes, Julie. Time's a great healer. 520 00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:58,753 I've got it Mr Brittas. 521 00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:00,957 - What? - The hidden camera tape. 522 00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:02,274 I'll throw it in the incinerator. 523 00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:03,958 No Gavin. 524 00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:06,355 We're gonna have a staff viewing. I think it will be 525 00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:08,789 very educational for us see the centre through someone 526 00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:11,388 else's eyes for a change. Come on! 527 00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:21,033 Right! Away we go. 528 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:32,398 On the outside this looks like an ordinary modern sports 529 00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:35,671 complex, that can be found in any town across the country, but 530 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:39,315 on the inside, it's quite a different story. This week on 531 00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:42,432 the Ferguson File, we go under cover at... 532 00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:44,755 Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre. 533 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:53,550 Well I'm in the centre now posing as a health and safety 534 00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:57,229 inspector. Ah staff room, let's see who's in here. 535 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:01,478 Just one man... Hello. 536 00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:02,828 Oh, get out! 537 00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:08,080 A member of staff there clearly showing signs of mental stress 538 00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:09,428 or even derangement. 539 00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:14,429 Ah yes... coming to the squash courts now. Very strange noises 540 00:26:14,560 --> 00:26:19,475 coming from somewhere. My God! People clearly being 541 00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:21,556 detained here against their own free will. 542 00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:25,389 They're all affected by some appalling disease. 543 00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:27,670 There's no doubt about the Ferguson file has hit on 544 00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:29,119 something major here. 545 00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:31,435 People clambering to be let free. 546 00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:34,438 Much as I'd like to help them. I'll have to carry on and finish 547 00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:36,994 this report in the best interests of the general public. 548 00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:39,430 This is great/ 549 00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:42,314 Out of order. 550 00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:44,112 Obviously something to hide in here. 551 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:48,278 Everything seems to be normal. 552 00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:53,754 Apart from fruit and veg... not very hygienic oh well, 553 00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:09,872 1990's, public toilet and the place is infested with rats. 554 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:14,634 And this place is open to the public it's a national scandal. 555 00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:17,714 Ah, come to some sort of storeroom now, 556 00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:19,637 after what I've seen this place will probably 557 00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:22,320 - leave a lot to be desired. - SCREAMING. 558 00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:26,589 I've only been five minutes inside Whitbury Newtown Leisure 559 00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:28,836 Centre, and I've witnessed severe infestation, 560 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:31,952 a major outbreak of a major disease, fires raging... 561 00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:34,834 Is there anything else that can possibly happen now? 562 00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:37,639 What the? 563 00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:03,752 This is Roger Ferguson, 564 00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:05,359 Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre, 565 00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:07,869 unbelievably still alive. 566 00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:22,276 Alright, so he caught us on an off day! 44657

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