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SEAGULLS SQUAWKING

'GF'. Gavin Featherly

Much as I hate to say this,

I'm afraid it looks like Gavin may have drowned.

Well, it's all your fault, Brittas!

If it hadn't been for you, Gavin would still be alive!

Ah, there you are Gavin, been looking for you everywhere!

Well, I'm sorry, I'm just using Julie's tape recorder.

Staff meeting in five minutes, please.

Right...

That's rather nice, what is it?

It's Tibetan chimes, Mr Brittas.

It's a relaxation tape that Mrs Brittas lent me.

At our last counselling session she said I needed to relax more.

I've... been a bit depressed recently.

Have you? Oh, dear!

Hang on, there are two tapes there.

Yes, that's because I'm recording it.

You're recording the tape Mrs Brittas lent you?

Well yes, that way I'll have a copy of my own.

I cannot believe I'm hearing this Gavin!

What?

A member of my own staff openly committing

a crime on the premises?

I'm sorry?

My office please, Gavin.

- Come on, sit down, please. - Yes, Mr Brittas.

Now, what does it say on that box?

'Unauthorised duplication is a violation of applicable laws'.

Precisely!

Everybody does it, Mr Brittas.

If everyone went around killing people,

would that make it any less of a crime?

Well, no but...

Now, I want you to do the only decent thing.

- What's that? - Confess.

What?

I want you to write to this record company

and tell them that you've made illicit recordings.

You are joking, Mr Brittas?

No, I'm not! I want you to clear your conscience, Gavin.

As my acting senior deputy manager,

it's up to you to set an example.

Yes, Mr Brittas.

Right, Item Number 28, the staff weekend away.

ALL GROAN Do we have to go?

Yes, we do, Julie. As I've said before,

the staff weekend away is an excellent opportunity for us

to bond together in a non-working environment.

So where are we going this year, New York?

Paris? Or Rome?

Burbage-on-sea!

- Oh, not again! - We went there last year!

And the year before.

Burbage-on-Sea is a good, honest...

Boring!

... beautiful English resort, Julie.

Right, the room arrangements, I've spoken to Mrs McGinty,

I'm afraid she can only provide six guest rooms this year.

So Tim, is it possible for you to share with Gavin?

Especially... as he's feeling a little bit depressed

at the moment, he probably could do with the company.

Yes, I can grin and bear it, Mr Brittas.

Good. Right, now we leave after work on Friday,

which gives you plenty of time to think about packing,

but just in case, I've drawn up my usual check list...

... there it is, anorak, warm cardies, spare sink plug...

I'm sorry I'm late, Mr Brittas,

I've been having a bit of trouble with my lilo.

Sit down please, Colin.

I've got it working again and as far as I'm aware...

Thank you, Colin.

... it's the only lilo in the world powered by potatoes!

Sit down please, Colin!

Right, spare sink plug...

Potatoes?

You just stick the potatoes in like this...

You mean it actually runs on potatoes?

That's right, Gavin!

King Edwards are, generally speaking, the best.

You can get about seventy miles to the pound for them!

Amazing, Colin! The first ecologically sound motor boat.

Lilo, Linda. I prefer the word 'lilo', it has a gentler sound.

I like to think you can lie back and relax

as it cruises gently across the ocean.

That thing is lethal!

It must have been the Maris Pipers, Mr Brittas!

Right, quick as you can everyone, please.

Timothy!

BRITTAS: Come on!

Carole, what's all this?

It's my luggage, Mr Brittas!

You're going away for the weekend, not emigrating!

- Yes, Mr Brittas... - Right, come on!

Mr Brittas! Can I have a word please, Mr Brittas?

Not now Gavin, we're running late as it is.

But this just came in the post, it's from the record company,

the one who you told me to write to.

'Dear Mr Featherly, thank you for your letter.

The duplication of pre-recorded material without prior consent

is strictly prohibited under the Copyright Act of 1951.

We therefore require the standard penalty payment... '

Yes, it's L10,000, Mr Brittas! they're suing me for 10 grand!

- Oh, dear! - But what am I gonna do?

You'll just have to pay it Gavin Featherly!

Come on!

Right, straight to bed everyone!

Very early start in the morning. It's Crazy Golf at 8.30!

L10,000! Where on earth am I gonna find 10 grand?

- We'll have to sell the flat! - Oh, don't be daft!

I'll have to get a second job, work nights.

They'll probably drop the charges, you're small fry.

It's not worth their while taking you to court.

- Court? - Mmm.

Oh my god!

How do you find the defendant?

Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!

ALL: Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!

Gavin Featherly, you have been found guilty

of the most wicked and heinous crime.

I therefore recommend the maximum possible sentence.

That you be taken from here to a place of incarceration

for a minimum of 40 years psychotherapy with Mrs Brittas.

Please... I beg of you. I'd rather die!

I'd rather die!

What did you say?

Nothing.

I'm just... gonna go out for a... moment.

Get a breath of fresh air...

... and I may be some time.

WAVES CRASHING

MOTOR STARTS NOISILY

BRITTAS: Relax Tim, Gavin probably just went for a swim.

What, for two days?

Look, I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation.

Here comes the coastguard, Mr Brittas.

With Gavin, no doubt.

No luck, Mr Brittas. We've covered a radius of 30 miles.

All we found was... this.

GAVIN: I may be some time...

I'd rather die, I'd rather die, I'd rather die!

''I'd rather die.''

Let's not get melodramatic, Tim.

No, that's what Gavin said... oh my god!

Look, don't start jumping to any stupid conclusions!

Mr Brittas! Come and see what I've found on the beach!

GF... Gavin Featherley.

Much as I hate to say this,

I'm afraid it looks like Gavin may have drowned.

- It all makes sense now. - What do you mean?

Well he was depressed, Mr Brittas.

People do stupid things when they're depressed.

Are you saying Gavin deliberately drowned himself?

It was that letter from the record company...

... that was the final straw.

Oh god, he's killed himself... he's killed himself.

Tim, we have no evidence to support that.

I'm telling you he's killed himself and it's all your fault!

You made him write to that record company,

if it hadn't been for you he'd still be alive!

It's all your fault! It's all your fault!

I've just broken the news to Gavin's parents over the phone

and needless to say, they were very distressed.

Especially when you reversed the charges!

This Centre can not afford long distance phone calls Julie,

especially to Fiji!

They have asked to me to make the funeral arrangements,

it will be Thursday afternoon 2.30 at Whitbury New church.

Did you say funeral, Mr Brittas?

As far as Gavin's parents are concerned, this is a funeral.

You see, it's an essential part of the grieving process,

to dispose of the body of a loved one in a ritual manner.

We don't have a body, Mr Brittas.

You know that Carole, I know that, but Gavin's parents don't.

You mean you've lied to Gavin's parents, Mr Brittas?

I have learned by experience Colin,

that sometimes and I stress only sometimes,

we need to tell a small untruth

in the service of a higher goal.

In this case, to help Gavin's parents' grieving process.

Does the vicar know we haven't got a body?

Actually Linda, we'll be taking the service ourselves.

- Us, Mr Brittas? - That's right, Colin.

It's what Gavin would have wanted.

His friends and colleagues holding a special service

for him and I'd like us all to take a little part.

Linda, I'd like you to lead the service, please.

Me?

Yes, it'll be good for when you go to theological college.

Gosh, a funeral, me!

I've only ever done my nephew's Christening.

Still, I suppose a funeral will be more or less the same.

I'd imagine you might have to change the words a bit, Linda.

Carole, I'd like you to play something for us.

- Play? - A hymn or something.

Oh, I'm afraid I haven't played for a long... I'd be delighted!

Well done, Carole!

Colin, I'd like you to make a contribution, please.

I don't think it would be right, Mr Brittas.

What do you mean?

Gavin and I never exactly saw eye to eye.

For me to partake in this ceremony would be, well,

hypocritical to say the least.

Colin Wetherby, I'm surprised at you.

I'm sorry Mr Brittas, it's just the way I feel.

Oh, Carole...

Mrs Brittas?

I can't believe it.

I know.

Here one minute, gone the next.

Yes.

- He was so kind... - Please don't...

... considerate.

I mean, he had his off days like anyone else,

but his heart was in the right place.

I'm gonna miss him, Mrs Brittas.

Me too.

He could always tell when I was feeling a bit low.

He'd come over and rub himself up against me.

Really?

Place his wet nose in my lap.

Wet nose?

His big floppy ears dangling all over the place.

Floppy ears, Gavin?

Gavin? I'm talking about Winston.

Who's Winston?

My pet cocker spaniel.

I found him in his basket this morning,

he'd just passed away in his sleep.

Oak, mahogany or plastic?

Pardon?

For the coffin. I've got the funeral parlour on the line.

They want to know which sort you want.

Julie, who's paying for this funeral?

Gavin's parents.

And what did I tell you about Gavin's parents?

I can't remember, he's an army colonel or something.

A retired army colonel.

Therefore, they'll be living off his pension.

Therefore, he won't thank us for spending a fortune.

Let's keep costs down, shall we?

ORGAN MUSIC

What on earth is that?

Carole! Turn it down, Carole!

Carole!

Mr Brittas?

What is that racket, Carole?

That racket Mr Brittas is my laudate Gavinum.

What?

It is my requiem mass that I've composed

especially for Gavin's funeral.

I thought we agreed Carole, if I let you

bring this equipment in, it was to be used sensibly.

Yes, Mr Brittas.

Keep it down!

LOUD NOTE

I'm sorry, Mr Brittas.

I got up this morning and the bed was empty.

Yes.

I went into the bathroom

and there's his toothbrush in the cup.

That silly Daffy Duck thing he used to take into the bath

just lying there on the floor.

I really, really miss him.

He would have died anyway.

What?

He was seventeen and he'd been arthritic for a long time.

What are you talking about?

What? Oh ... I know, it must have been awful for you.

But you must allow your feelings, let yourself grieve.

The awful thing is, it's all my fault!

No, no, it's all my fault!

I should never have given him those prawns!

They were four days past their sell by date.

No, you don't understand.

I was the one who wrote the letter from the record company.

It was just a practical joke to teach Gavin a lesson

and stop him being such a slave to Brittas.

And then he goes and kills himself all because of me.

There, there... blaming yourself...

... it's just a way of avoiding pain.

But it's Mr Brittas I'm putting all the blame on!

Come to think of it, it was Gordon's fault.

He found those prawns in the 'Reduced to Clear' bin.

Size? Oh, how the heck should I know?

Erm, just make it the cheapest you've got.

Right... bye!

Poor Gavin, 36 years on this planet

and you end up in a Formica box.

Still, I don't expect you care now... wherever you are.

-Oh, merci. -Cava?

Cava, vous avez sauvet mal vie!

Quell bateau avez-vous eu?

C' est un lilo de pommes de terres.

Un lilo de pommes de terres?

Vous etes pecheurs?

Des pecheurs!....eh Michael, il pense que le pecheurs!

Non mon petit anglais..... nous sommes des pirates!

Pirates... Oh God!

HELEN: Gordon, can I have a word?

Can't stop now, gotta interview someone for Gavin's job.

Could you just have a quick look at these brochures?

What's this? 'Pet Cemeteries'?

There's one just outside Whitbury,

it's got it's own little church, you get a proper service

and for an extra hundred pounds

Winston could have his own lamp post in the memorial garden.

My darling, I've got rather more important things to think about

than a pet that's just died.

How can you say that?

Winston was a friend, a member of the family.

Winston was a lovely and affectionate animal, Helen.

At least he was to you and the children.

But at the end of the day, he was only a dog,

if you'll excuse me, I must get on.

Vous allez en Angleterre?

Non, nous n'allons pas en Angleterre.

France?

Nie en France.

A la Republique l'Ettienne en Afrique.

Et moi?

Tu j'ai avec non?

Non, ce n'est pas possible.

Ce pas possible. Chez les arrive les un homme anglais

vaut beaucoup d' argent

- Mr Brittas! - Not now, Colin.

I've gotta collect Gavin's parents from the station,

I'm running late as it is.

Mr Brittas, I just wanted to say that I've had a bit of a think

and I would like to do something for Gavin's funeral.

Oh, I'm glad you've seen sense at last, Mr Wetherby.

If it's ok with you, I'd like to dig the grave.

Dig the grave?

By burying Gavin, it's a bit like burying the hatchet,

letting bygones be bygones.

Well, I suppose that's something...

What the flaming heck's going on?

Helen! What are you doing?

I'm digging a hole, what does it look like I'm doing?

You can't just dig up council property!

Well, it was either that or your vegetable patch

and I didn't think you'd be very happy about that.

What are you digging a hole for anyway?

I'm burying Winston.

Will you please take that animal down to the vet

and let him dispose of it.

- But I... - Now!

He's a lovely little fellow, isn't he?

Take him to the vet, honestly!

Why don't I just shove him in a skip and be done with it?

Why don't you leave it with me, Mrs Brittas?

What?

I'll make sure Winston has a lovely send off.

Really?

Er... no, thank you.

Colonel and Mrs Featherly, please, do come in.

- Take a seat. - Thank you.

- Julie, coffee, please! - JULIE: I'm busy.

It's for Gavin's parents.

JULIE: Well, why didn't you say so?

I'm sorry, I forgot to ask, how was the flight?

Wearying to say the least, twenty two hours is a long time.

Yes...

Still, there's the in-flight entertainment!

Did they show a movie?

I expect so, my mind wasn't really on it.

'It's A Wonderful Life'... it was Gavin's favourite.

Now, now, Enid.

I still can't believe this has happened...

... and neither can his brother and sisters.

Brother and sisters? Gavin never told me.

One brother and two sisters, scattered all over the world.

There's Sally in Tokyo, Alice in Brussels and Peter in Zambia

and they'll all be at the funeral.

It will be lovely to see Peter, we haven't seen him in years.

Funny how it takes a tragedy to bring the family together.

Alright, Enid!

Thank you, Julie.

I can't believe how you snubbed Peter,

just because he wouldn't go in the army.

The Featherly tradition has always been...

- Damn your tradition! - Coffee?

Because of your tradition we haven't seen him in 15 years!

- Black or white? - Enid, you're being hysterical.

And if Gavin hadn't died,

we probably never would have seen him again!

- Biccie? - No, thanks.

Very wise, too much sugar can kill you!

I took the liberty of clearing out Gavin's locker,

I thought you might like some of his things.

That's very kind.

There's his uniform... his mug...

... and staff duty rosters going all the way back to 1991 .

Sorry, did I say something wrong?

Seeing his belongings, it brings it all back.

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in!

Mr Brittas, I heard Gavin's parents were here, so I...

... are you OK?

What does it look like, Tim?

- Hello, Mrs Featherly. - Oh... hello.

I'm really, really sorry.

Oh, thank you.

I miss him too.

In fact, there's not a second goes by I don't think about him.

You and he must have been great friends.

I'm Tim... you must have read about me in Gavin's letters?

Tim? I remember there was a Colin and a Carole and a Linda.

And a Julie!

We are gathered here today...

- I hate him! - Who?

Gavin, I hope he rots in hell!

That's a terrible thing to say!

It's meant to be. I've just been with Gavin's parents

and do you know, they've never even heard of me.

Ten years we've been together

and not once has he mentioned me in his letters.

He said he'd told them all about us. Liar, I could kill him!

Gavin's gone now and nothing's going to bring him back.

TELEPHONE RINGS

- Hello. - GAVIN: Tim!

- Gavin? - Tim, you've gotta help me.

Gavin, is that you?

Look, I haven't got a lot of time.

I'm coming, where are you?

On a pirate ship.

- On a what? - I can't explain...

Gavin? Gavin, hello?

My word, Gavin never told us that this Centre was so big!

Oh, it's big and he did very well to work his way up

to senior deputy manager, you should be very proud of him.

Mr Brittas! Mr Brittas! Can I have a word please, Mr Brittas?

Excuse me.

Tim, I'm taking Colonel and Mrs Featherly round the Centre.

I must speak to you now, it's very urgent.

- What is it? - In private, please.

Please, do excuse me.

Now, I don't know how to break this to Gavin's parents,

but I think we should do it very, very gently.

- Break what to them? - Gavin's still alive!

- What? - He called! I spoke to him!

- Everything alright? - Fine, thanks!

- Where is he? - On a pirate ship.

On a pirate...

Of course he is, Tim. Was he flying the Jolly Roger?

Did captain not make him walk the plank?

Oh, you don't believe me, do you?

Tim, look, you've been through an awful lot,

I think you should go down to the restroom, put the kettle on,

have a nice cup of tea and have a nice lie down.

But I'm telling you the truth!

Go!

LOUD FOOTSTEPS

- You okay, buddy? - Who are you?

Interpol. We've been after this lot for years.

Right, Gavin's parents are waiting, let's go.

TIM: Mr Brittas, I implore you to call this thing off!

Not now Tim, go and get changed!

Mr Brittas, Gavin is still alive, he is on a pirate ship,

why won't anyone believe me?

- I believe you, Tim. - Oh, do you?

Only, last I heard, he'd been captured by Vikings!

For god's sake! I'm warning you, if you don't go out there

and tell Gavin's parents, I'll do it myself!

Linda!

Are all these people for Gavin?

Don't sound so surprised, Gavin had a lot of friends.

Oh, there's Sally and Alice... and Peter!

- Peter! Oh my god! - Hello, mum.

- It's so lovely to see you. - PETER: You, too.

Hello, dad.

Hello, Peter... good to see you my boy.

Sorry to interrupt, but if you'd like to make your way through.

We'd like to go in with Gavin if we may?

Yes, of course. Can you get it out now, please?

BRITTAS: Julie, what's going on?

Oh heck! Well, you said get the cheapest!

Is this some kind of a joke, Mr Brittas?

- Actually, I can explain. - You'd better!

- He shrunk in the water. - What?

Julie! The truth is, Colonel Featherly...

- We only found part of him. - Part of him?

He'd been tossed onto the rocks, you see.

Oh my god!

I hadn't the heart to tell you.

It's alright, I understand.

Home sweet home, eh?

- Yes, thanks for the lift. - How do you feel?

Just glad to be back really, that's all, glad to be back.

Funny when I phoned earlier, there was no reply.

Probably all gone to a party.

Yes.

That's my gift to you Gavin, rest in peace, my friend.

Anyone there?

Help! Help!

And now to end our service,

Carole Parkinson will play her own composition

in tribute to Gavin's memory,

entitled, 'Laudate Gavinum'.

LOUD ORGAN MUSIC

LOUD EXPLOSIONS

Lord, bless the soul of Gavin Featherly,

as we return his body to the earth,

dust to dust, ashes to ashes ...

- Gordon? - Not now, my darling.

HELEN MUMBLES

- What? - The coffin!

- Oh my god! It's... - A dog!

What the devil's going on, Brittas?

I wish I knew, Colonel Featherly. Colin...

I'm sorry Mr Brittas, I just thought as it was free,

it seemed a shame to waste it.

What do you mean, 'free'?

Look, I can explain!

- You see... - GAVIN: Hello, Mr Brittas.

ALL: Gavin?

Peter, dad, mum, Sally, Alice... what are you all doing here?

They've all come here for a funeral, Gavin.

Oh, I'm sorry, anyone I know?

TITLE MUSIC