Original subtitles

Subtitles ripped by Worst

BRITTAS: Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre,

welcome to the 21st Century!

Oh dear...

Microbyte, Dwayne speaking, how may I help you?

Hello, it's me again!

DWAYNE: Hello, Mr Brittas.

Right, now, I've configured me system memory,

added RAM drive command line at the end of the MS Dos prompt,

specified a path of 324 70 kilobytes capacity,

copied the expanded memory regulator .486,

allocated 192 handles and 238 fast alternate register sets,

reserving 1 77 kilobytes for buffered direct memory access.

DWAYNE: So what seems to be the problem?

Well, I got a bit of doughnut down me scroll key.

Do I just leave it there, or poke it out with a pencil?

Welcome back everyone, hope you all had a good week?

Oh, it's so good to be back, Mr Brittas!

So what's the big surprise then, Mr Brittas?

Yeah, we noticed you'd changed the locks.

Locks? We don't have locks any more Julie,

we've got Time Instigated, Totally Integrated Security.

We've got 'TITIS'.

These doors are programmed to open at 7.30 am precisely

and close at 9.30pm precisely.

Not a second sooner, not a second later.

And they're due to open in exactly five seconds from now.

Right, if I could have your attention for one minute.

Up until last week all of us at this Centre

had been groping around brainlessly in a primeval swamp!

Oh, thanks Mr Brittas, we aim to please!

As from today, we crawl onto dry land,

sprout legs and learn to walk.

Eh, did you lock up the Night Nurse?

You know what happened to Paul on the road to Damascus?

Well, it happened to me at the Basingstoke software show.

I'm pleased to announce that everything in the Centre

from salaries to the steam flow in the sauna,

everything has been computerised.

Heating, lighting, the lot! Carole, come here...

Now, in the dark old days, when someone came in

wanting to go for a swim, what happened?

Well, he'd give us L1 .50, and we'd give him a ticket.

Exactly! Out of the Ark! As of today, this is what will happen.

Right, name?

Age?

MaleIfemale?

Swimming standard?

Foot or mouth infection?

Lane swimming or splash around?

Goggles needed?

Shampoo?

Used centre before?

Daily papers taken?

Two most recent holidays?

Booking complete!

Well, that seemed to take a while.

Carole, into the envelope, please.

Your ticket madam.

Do I get Air miles?

We have an advanced booking facility of 3 years,

so if someone who runs a tight sort of diary, wants to book

in a game of squash say at 2.30pm October 25th 1999,

they only have to ask!

Yes! There's a court free!

Right, everyone follow me, please.

So the pool is at a pleasant 72�, which is automatically set

to adjust by a maximum of 5� Fahrenheit

either way at the height of winter and summer.

- Now, Linda... - Yes, Mr Brittas?

A swimmer comes up to you while you're on duty

and asks for a float. What do you do?

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! New procedure.

Right, you go into your swimming pool file,

click on equipment, click on float,

BRITTAS: total stock 360, units available 360,

click 'OK', 'enter', float order slip number 0001 .

What could be simpler?

Just taking a float?

But what if one had reserved a float over the phone in advance,

then comes to the Centre to find that they've all been given out?

All 360 of them?

Think about it, Linda!

The entire Whitbury junior school turn up unannounced,

plus our Saturday morning turtles club...

...and somebody wants to make a scale model of Atlantis...

Good one, Tim, didn't think of that!

Aggravated psoriasis of the elbow and knee joints.

Right, do you need any towels, Colin?

Oh, and of course ringworm.

Ringworm... any towels?

Oh, and a little bit of dermatitis down...

Dermatitis... any towels, Colin?

And I sometimes get that flaky dandruff, you know,

like those little snow scenes and you shake 'em and they go...

Thank you, Colin.

Can someone else volunteer to be a customer for the tanning bed?

I've only got ten lines for pre-existing skin conditions.

Right, and now for the piece de resistance!

Timothy, you've arranged to play squash with Gavin,

you're all set and raring to go, when suddenly he stands you up

because he's decided to go out with his girlfriend.

BRITTAS: Course of action?

Well, there are a number of options Mr Brittas,

tampering with his brakes, electrocuting him with a stereo

No! You play with yourself!

Virtual... reality... squash.

You may be at home, you may not want to go out into the traffic,

all you do is dial the centre on your own computer

and you can be playing squash in the comfort of your own sofa.

I thought the whole point was to get fit and lose weight?

In that case, you go to the virtual reality fitness salon!

BRITTAS: There you go! Traction machine, bike, sauna.

The choice is yours! In five years from now,

you won't even need to set foot in the Centre!

This is all very impressive Mr Brittas,

but what if there's a power cut or it breaks down?

Aah! We have a standby generator and a back-up system!

What if they break down?

We have a back up generator and standby system. Ha!

But the chances, Tim, of that happening

are about the same as my winning the lottery!

And where did all the money for this come from, Mr Brittas?

From the lottery...

L27,892 to be precise... plus L13,450, from the

European Sports Facilities Capital Improvement Fund.

A windfall that will prove to be a turning point

in the operational history of this Centre.

And the money will be totally squandered! Lucky Ron!

I've let him oversee everything,

from the software contracts to buying the hardware.

He's even tried to save money by going on some cockamamey course

and installing it himself.

So, fingers crossed for a catastrophe!

The Sports Council Lottery Committee will want his head!

What the... ?

Gordon.

BRITTAS: Councillor Druggitt, what a pleasant surprise!

What the hell's this barrier doing here? I can't get in.

The staff car park only accept swipe cards

from staff, customers with special needs or VIPs.

What am I then?

- BRITTAS: Nothing yet. - Why's that?

BRITTAS: I haven't done a code for you yet.

BRITTAS: You'll have to be a temporary visitor.

BRITTAS: Dial 4921 ...

BRITTAS: 677 4...

BRITTAS: 3.

Get a move on! We've been here since a quarter to ten!

- Please try... - CUSTOMER: I can't remember!

- Think! - March... 1976, I think.

March 1976... wrong swimming certificate!

- Do you need a towel? - No.

- Goggles? - No.

- Float? - No.

- Shampoo? - Oh, I suppose...

- Dry, normal or greasy hair? - What!

Dry, normal or greasy hair?

[whispers] Greasy...

Greasy!

Now, how long to you intend to spend in the pool?

I don't know.

Well, 10, 20, 30, 45 minutes?

30 minutes!

Now, do you want a lane swim or a general splash?

... Lane swim!

Crawl, breaststroke, butterfly or back?

I don't know! I want to do a bit of everything.

Crawl, breaststroke, butterfly or back?

Crawl!

No, wait, breaststroke!

Sorry, it's too late. Oh dear, pool's full!

- What? - Have a standby ticket.

A standby ticket?

Oh, yes, certainly madam, no problem.

So that's Mrs Phillips for a standby ticket,

swim session in lane two,

with a sachet of shampoo for greasy hair!

Now, if you'd like to wait over there,

I'll call you if there's a cancellation.

Right, next!

I just want to book a badminton court, please.

Right! I'll just look up the badminton booking code.

SWIMMER: Can you hurry?

I'm trying, I'm trying!

Look, my life belt!

My wife's drowning!

Drowning... look out for the code for emergencies.

The Sports' Council Lottery Committee Rep. will be here

tomorrow at twelve sharp for an initial inspection.

Everything will be going ok with the new system by then?

It is already, councillor.

No teething problems?

Not a squeak! Watch this...

- Oh, there it is! - Thank God!

Oh no! It's gone to children's parties!

Erm, are you busy Colin?

Not really, Mrs Brittas. All seems to take care of itself,

I don't really seem to have anything to do anymore.

You couldn't help me for a moment, could you?

There's this thing in my room...

Brittas, I can't get out!

BRITTAS: It's alright, councillor.

Your visitor's pass expired 2 minutes ago.

I'll have to get you a new number.

- What is it? - It's a computer.

Yeah, I know that, but why do I need one?

We've all got them now.

In fact, I think he's set up your counselling file already.

Let's have a look...

I think you just press counselling...

Yes.. there we are!

''Q1 : Are you claustrophobicIrecently widowedI

depressedIimpotent? YesIno''.

I think you can just choose one, Mrs Brittas.

''Depressed. A bit or very?''

COLIN: I see... ''Are you contemplating suicide?''

Hmm...

''GasItabletsIcarbon monoxideIbodily wounding?''

Erm, I think I'll go for gas.

Gas... gas is a good choice.

Now, have you closed windows, extinguished all naked flames,

informed gas board to settle final account?

Hang on a minute, this is for people to fill in themselves.

Where do I come in?

Do-it-yourself counselling? We'll soon see about that!

Please have a children's party.

No! I don't even have any kids!

I can lend you some.

It would help me so much. I can't get out of this file.

Look, I just want a game of badminton...

Look, I tell you what, book the children's party,

then book the badminton,

and then I'll cancel the children's party afterwards.

Alright, alright, fine, anything!

So, you've booked for 45 children, 2 helpers,

1 puppet show, jelly and ice cream after, on 5th July, 1998.

Right, now can I book my badminton?

I'll have to have a L50 deposit for the party first.

Did I see a set of golf clubs in here earlier?

Yeah, in the bin.

What you doing, Julie?

Christmas cards.

These are for the people who've used the Leisure Centre once,

these are for the ones who came back,

- This one's for Mr Jones. - Who?

The season ticket holder.

CRASHING SOUND

I've just found out how to delete a file.

It's a doddle!

Anyone need any help with the roster?

- Computer's done it. - The cleaning rota?

The computer's done it!

Actually Colin, you can help me do the vending machine restock.

That's what I like to hear, something to get my teeth into!

Right... I'll press enter,

and you can tear off the sheet of paper when it comes out!

Of course, this is the thin end of the wedge, you know.

What do you mean?

Well, now that everything's on computer,

soon Brittas will only need himself

and someone to water the plants,

because we're all going to be made redundant!

Mr Brittas would never get rid of us!

Oh no? Then tell me this...

Why can the computer can take bookings for the next 3 years,

but can only do the staff roster for the next 2 weeks?

Yeah, you think about that!

Right, everyone, I'd just like to say,

counselling is now available from me in the utility room,

for any of your personal problems,

such as bereavement or redundancy...

Do try not to get post traumatic stress syndrome,

because I spilt coffee over that page.

Almost there...

I don't want to play badminton anymore.

- Tough! - I wanna go home.

Look, it's not my fault, it's this wretched thing!

That's what they all say, people always blame the computers!

- What? - Let me have a go.

You've got to close down all your files and applications

before you open new ones.

Haven't you got a sandpit to go to?

- Is everything alright, Carole? - No!

There's nothing wrong with the computer, it's the user.

So, you're a bit of an expert, are you?

I've hacked about in my time.

Do these things ever go wrong?

They can get jammed if a virus gets in.

Really?

And how exactly does a virus get in?

BO Y: So is that clear?

I need an uninterrupted 15 minutes at this main terminal.

Half now, the rest on completion.

Did you say you once got into a bank?

Southern Provincial, transferred L20 million

from their investment fund into my dad's bank in the Caymans,

earned a couple of weeks' of interest then put it back!

They still haven't found out!

Can we get a move on? I've got my mock chemistry at two.

Colin, Tim's called an emergency meeting in the staff room.

Redundant! Redundant!

If we can convince Brittas that the system is unreliable,

then maybe it will bring him to his senses.

Now, this boy Danny's got this special disk thing

that he says can jam the system.

All we have to do is get Brittas away from his office

for 15 minutes until the signal is given.

We'll never get him away from his desk.

He's been chained to that PC ever since it arrived.

Any bright ideas?

KNOCK AT DOOR

- Mr Brittas? - What is it, Gavin?

I was just wondering, Gordon, if you'd like to go for a drink?

What?

Well, we haven't had a drink together in quite a while.

Gavin, we haven't been for a drink together in six years!

I just suddenly thought, ''Why not?'' Just the two of us.

Take time out for a while.

Gavin, did Alexander the Great stop off

for a gin and tonic when he was conquering Persia?

It's just that we don't see as much of you as we used to,

GAVIN: and, well, I'd like to see more of you.

That is very touching, Gavin.

- Oh, alright then! - Thank you!

I'll book it in 1 2.30 Thursday fortnight.

Just a swift half, mind you.

This place means everything to me, Mrs Brittas.

It's like a second home.

Oh, it's much more than that, Colin.

Is it?

It's your whole life. Now you're being thrown on the scrap heap.

Well, it certainly looks that way.

It's like being snatched away from your mother's breast.

Really?

There you were all snug and cosy,

sloshing around in your amniotic fluid

and now you're being slung out into the cold.

But I wouldn't put it quite like that.

Resentment is perfectly natural, Colin.

But I don't feel resentful.

What Mr Brittas is doing is probably good for the Centre...

You may be stoical on the surface Colin,

but deep down you are a bubbling cauldron of resentment.

- Am I? - Very dangerous.

Why don't you book yourself in for my next anger weekend?

L180, three nights B&B, including karaoke.

Okay...

That's your anger sorted, now let's deal with your depression.

Hello Macrobyte, Dwayne, please.

Dwayne's sick? That's funny, he was right as rain 2 minutes ago.

- Mr Brittas, come quickly! - What is it, Linda?

- Fire! - Fire? Where?

Er, in the staff room. Come!

I didn't hear any alarms, Linda.

Still, better safe than sorry, eh?

There you go, all sorted, Linda!

It's no use bottling it up, Colin.

- But I'll get over it, won't I? - No, you won't.

This is major trauma, on a par with bereavement.

Now, let's see you're going to go through the following stages:

1 : Shock, 2: Numbness, 3: Tingling,

partial loss of consciousness and paralysis of the limbs.

Oh no, hang on, that's decompression!

Argh!

Stop fighting it Colin, let it out.

Argh!

15 minutes? How am I going to keep him busy for 15 minutes?

Oh come on, Julie, I'm sure you'll think of something.

I'll give you 3 buzzes on your intercom when I'm done.

Oh, gawd!

Hello, Macrobyte!

ANSWER PHONE: The Microbyte helpline is now closed.

ANSWER PHONE: Our offices are open from 8...

Eh? INTERCOM BUZZES

JULIE: Mr Brittas?

Julie, we've got a web, fill my box!

JULIE: Get in here now!

Better make this quick, I'm cleaning me back-up files.

So far so good!

How long to go?

Almost done, won't take much longer.

- Julie! - I'm sorry, Mr Brittas.

This is a turn up for the book!

Six years I've been in the office next to you,

watching the way you label your folders,

and sharpen your pencil,

it sends a tingle down me spine...

I'm very flattered, Julie, but...

I just couldn't help it, it's having the baby, Mr Brittas,

it's made me all confused. Did I choose the right man?

What am I doing with my life?

And all the while, there you are, so strong, so decisive...

INTERCOM BUZZES THREE TIMES

It's alright, I'm over it now!

The view of the Sports Council Lottery Committee is that it's a

pretty hefty donation for a municipal leisure centre,

you're sure that this Mr Brittas knows what he's doing?

Well, I've left everything to him.

He was very insistent on overseeing the whole thing.

Just a moment, he's had the parking computerised.

Oh dear! Teething problems...

I've told you, I'm ok.

It's off to the counselling room for you, young lady.

- Everything alright Carole? - No, it's not Mr Brittas!

It's a learning curve, Carole, learning curve.

Do us a post-natal, will you, Hel? She'll sort you out!

SCREAMING IN POOL

Pool temperature's 193, air temperature's 1 42! Marvellous!

Hello, what's this?

Tim Whistler - salary: L3.1 7?

What? Let me see!

Gavin Beverley - salary: L227,642!

I thought you were just gonna jam the system?

It must have been the way it was installed!

Well, we've have to shut it down completely.

We'll have to go into override at the main terminal.

Carole, we've gotta get back into Brittas' computer!

Whatever you do, don't let him back up. Okay?

Oh, stop it!

Sorry about that delay gentlemen,

member of staff had a bit of a personal problem

and you can't just bung in a new floppy disc, eh?

This is a very proud day for the Leisure Centre.

Please, this way...

Gentlemen come through and gaze at the future!

Teething problems I see...

I'm sure Mr Brittas knows what he's doing.

Typical! You install 30K's worth of Hi-tech equipment

and the light bulb's start going!

Mr Brittas, don't go up there!

- Why not? - Because!

Yes?

I... want you to stay here. I've missed you so much!

Oh not you as well...

Don't leave me! Let's spend the afternoon together.

Carole, this is gonna have to wait,

I've got show Mr Driscoll and Druggitt the nerve centre.

Override, override, got it! Oh sugar...

- What? - He's made it secure.

- What does that mean? - We need a password.

Well, we don't know it, only Brittas knows it.

We'll have to go by trial and error.

Any combination of letters or digits, max. 15 letters.

Usually something personal, wife's name, pet... think!

- Helen? - No!

- Whitbury? - No!

Try his car number F299 NPA.

ALL: Oww...

DRISCOLL: I think I've seen enough.

You want to stay for coffee and biscuits?

MRS BRITTAS: Please, Julie...

JULIE: No, I only did it to get him out of his office.

But an affair would do Gordon the world of good!

No!

- He's not unattractive, is he? - Yes!

So Brittas was left to oversee the whole project alone?

Yep!

And you let him install it himself?

Yep!

No technical backup, no executive support.

We're going to have to investigate

your council's handling of this affair.

What?

Well, Mr Brittas is obviously overstretched

and there was a failure in offering support.

Drive on!

Carole!

Carole!

Colin, did you just...

"Simple, no flowers.

The only music I want is Jerusalem

and then Mr Brittas' Christmas foot hygiene speech for 1992,

which I've got on cassette.

As for my ashes, I'd be grateful if they could be mixed

half and half with mulching manure

and then used to plant a memorial bush.

What are his favourite things?

Oh, try 'Tin Tin', he's got loads of 'Tin Tin' books.

Chicken Dansak!

Er, Top Gear!

- He likes that... - Er, Thunderclap Newman?

Er... Geoff Tracey?

Yes, yes! No!

- Bambi? - ALL: Yes!

BRITTAS: It was the scene where his mother got shot.

He went out to look for her in the snow.

I never got over that scene, I'm human, too, you know.

Mr Brittas...

So... sabotage, eh?

Mr Brittas, all we were trying to do...

Don't I know you?

I played in the chess tournament here last year.

That's right! Three Russian masters stormed out in a sulk.

Mr Brittas, we did it because...

Yes?

Because we were worried about our jobs.

Mr Brittas! Please!

Stay with me! We never spend time together anymore!

It's alright, Carole, you can stop now.

Please, Julie! I'll lend you my tigersuit!

No!

Yes, I wondered why everyone had become so affectionate today.

Wait a minute!

It's this, isn't it? This... is what's come between us.

We did rather feel you'd forgotten us, Mr Brittas.

Well, there's only one thing for it...

I'll cancel the contract.

- What? - It was on trial, anyway.

You mean our jobs are safe?

I took my eye off the ball, didn't I, Timothy?

Look at this... this human being...

he can see, can hear, feel, laugh, cry, sulk,

clean the pool, do Kermit impressions at parties,

doesn't need downloading at the end of the day

and doesn't pick up any nasty viruses.

You show me a computer that can match that.

Oh, I must go and tell Colin, he'll be over the moon!

No wait! Mr Brittas, come quickly!

It's Colin, he's up on the roof!

The roof?

Colin!

- It's for the best, Mr Brittas. - Don't do it, Colin!

I've cleaned and pressed my uniform,

I've given the urinals a final hose down

and changed the toilet ducks in the Ladies'.

Oh, and I've ordered a skip,

COLIN: so there won't be any mess...

Colin, come back!

I shall miss you, Mr Brittas.

It's alright, Colin. You're not going to lose your job.

- What? - It's all over...

I'm sending the computer back!

Oh, Mr Brittas!

Argh!

Seems like we're back to normal.

I wouldn't speak too soon.

It's good to be back, Mr Brittas.

Thank you, Colin!

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