All language subtitles for The.Brittas.Empire.S07E03.DVDRip.en

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BRITTAS: Whitbury
Newtown Leisure Centre,

welcome to the 21st Century!

Oh dear...

Microbyte, Dwayne speaking,
how may I help you?

Hello, it's me again!

DWAYNE: Hello, Mr Brittas.

Right, now, I've configured
me system memory,

added RAM drive command line at
the end of the MS Dos prompt,

specified a path of 324 70
kilobytes capacity,

copied the expanded
memory regulator .486,

allocated 192 handles and 238
fast alternate register sets,

reserving 1 77 kilobytes for
buffered direct memory access.

DWAYNE: So what seems
to be the problem?

Well, I got a bit of
doughnut down me scroll key.

Do I just leave it there, or
poke it out with a pencil?

Welcome back everyone, hope
you all had a good week?

Oh, it's so good to
be back, Mr Brittas!

So what's the big
surprise then, Mr Brittas?

Yeah, we noticed you'd
changed the locks.

Locks? We don't have
locks any more Julie,

we've got Time Instigated,
Totally Integrated Security.

We've got 'TITIS'.

These doors are programmed
to open at 7.30 am precisely

and close at 9.30pm precisely.

Not a second sooner,
not a second later.

And they're due to open in
exactly five seconds from now.

Right, if I could have your
attention for one minute.

Up until last week all
of us at this Centre

had been groping around
brainlessly in a primeval swamp!

Oh, thanks Mr Brittas,
we aim to please!

As from today, we
crawl onto dry land,

sprout legs and learn to walk.

Eh, did you lock
up the Night Nurse?

You know what happened to
Paul on the road to Damascus?

Well, it happened to me at the
Basingstoke software show.

I'm pleased to announce that
everything in the Centre

from salaries to the
steam flow in the sauna,

everything has
been computerised.

Heating, lighting, the
lot! Carole, come here...

Now, in the dark old
days, when someone came in

wanting to go for a
swim, what happened?

Well, he'd give us L1 .50,
and we'd give him a ticket.

Exactly! Out of the Ark! As of
today, this is what will happen.

Right, name?

Age?

MaleIfemale?

Swimming standard?

Foot or mouth infection?

Lane swimming or splash around?

Goggles needed?

Shampoo?

Used centre before?

Daily papers taken?

Two most recent holidays?

Booking complete!

Well, that seemed
to take a while.

Carole, into the
envelope, please.

Your ticket madam.

Do I get Air miles?

We have an advanced booking
facility of 3 years,

so if someone who runs a tight
sort of diary, wants to book

in a game of squash say at
2.30pm October 25th 1999,

they only have to ask!

Yes! There's a court free!

Right, everyone
follow me, please.

So the pool is at a pleasant
72�, which is automatically set

to adjust by a maximum
of 5� Fahrenheit

either way at the height
of winter and summer.

- Now, Linda...
- Yes, Mr Brittas?

A swimmer comes up to
you while you're on duty

and asks for a float.
What do you do?

Ah, ah, ah, ah,
ah! New procedure.

Right, you go into your
swimming pool file,

click on equipment,
click on float,

BRITTAS: total stock
360, units available 360,

click 'OK', 'enter', float
order slip number 0001 .

What could be simpler?

Just taking a float?

But what if one had reserved a
float over the phone in advance,

then comes to the Centre to find
that they've all been given out?

All 360 of them?

Think about it, Linda!

The entire Whitbury junior
school turn up unannounced,

plus our Saturday
morning turtles club...

...and somebody wants to make
a scale model of Atlantis...

Good one, Tim,
didn't think of that!

Aggravated psoriasis of
the elbow and knee joints.

Right, do you need
any towels, Colin?

Oh, and of course ringworm.

Ringworm... any towels?

Oh, and a little bit
of dermatitis down...

Dermatitis... any towels, Colin?

And I sometimes get that
flaky dandruff, you know,

like those little snow scenes
and you shake 'em and they go...

Thank you, Colin.

Can someone else volunteer to be
a customer for the tanning bed?

I've only got ten lines for
pre-existing skin conditions.

Right, and now for the
piece de resistance!

Timothy, you've arranged
to play squash with Gavin,

you're all set and raring to go,
when suddenly he stands you up

because he's decided to go
out with his girlfriend.

BRITTAS: Course of action?

Well, there are a number
of options Mr Brittas,

tampering with his brakes,
electrocuting him with a stereo

No! You play with yourself!

Virtual... reality... squash.

You may be at home, you may not
want to go out into the traffic,

all you do is dial the
centre on your own computer

and you can be playing squash in
the comfort of your own sofa.

I thought the whole point was
to get fit and lose weight?

In that case, you go to the
virtual reality fitness salon!

BRITTAS: There you go!
Traction machine, bike, sauna.

The choice is yours!
In five years from now,

you won't even need to
set foot in the Centre!

This is all very
impressive Mr Brittas,

but what if there's a power
cut or it breaks down?

Aah! We have a standby
generator and a back-up system!

What if they break down?

We have a back up generator
and standby system. Ha!

But the chances, Tim,
of that happening

are about the same as
my winning the lottery!

And where did all the money for
this come from, Mr Brittas?

From the lottery...

L27,892 to be precise...
plus L13,450, from the

European Sports Facilities
Capital Improvement Fund.

A windfall that will prove
to be a turning point

in the operational
history of this Centre.

And the money will be totally
squandered! Lucky Ron!

I've let him oversee everything,

from the software contracts
to buying the hardware.

He's even tried to save money by
going on some cockamamey course

and installing it himself.

So, fingers crossed
for a catastrophe!

The Sports Council Lottery
Committee will want his head!

What the... ?

Gordon.

BRITTAS: Councillor Druggitt,
what a pleasant surprise!

What the hell's this barrier
doing here? I can't get in.

The staff car park only
accept swipe cards

from staff, customers
with special needs or VIPs.

What am I then?

- BRITTAS: Nothing yet.
- Why's that?

BRITTAS: I haven't done
a code for you yet.

BRITTAS: You'll have to
be a temporary visitor.

BRITTAS: Dial 4921 ...

BRITTAS: 677 4...

BRITTAS: 3.

Get a move on! We've been here
since a quarter to ten!

- Please try...
- CUSTOMER: I can't remember!

- Think!
- March... 1976, I think.

March 1976... wrong
swimming certificate!

- Do you need a towel?
- No.

- Goggles?
- No.

- Float?
- No.

- Shampoo?
- Oh, I suppose...

- Dry, normal or greasy hair?
- What!

Dry, normal or greasy hair?

[whispers] Greasy...

Greasy!

Now, how long to you intend
to spend in the pool?

I don't know.

Well, 10, 20, 30, 45 minutes?

30 minutes!

Now, do you want a lane
swim or a general splash?

... Lane swim!

Crawl, breaststroke,
butterfly or back?

I don't know! I want to
do a bit of everything.

Crawl, breaststroke,
butterfly or back?

Crawl!

No, wait, breaststroke!

Sorry, it's too late.
Oh dear, pool's full!

- What?
- Have a standby ticket.

A standby ticket?

Oh, yes, certainly
madam, no problem.

So that's Mrs Phillips
for a standby ticket,

swim session in lane two,

with a sachet of
shampoo for greasy hair!

Now, if you'd like
to wait over there,

I'll call you if
there's a cancellation.

Right, next!

I just want to book a
badminton court, please.

Right! I'll just look up
the badminton booking code.

SWIMMER: Can you hurry?

I'm trying, I'm trying!

Look, my life belt!

My wife's drowning!

Drowning... look out for
the code for emergencies.

The Sports' Council Lottery
Committee Rep. will be here

tomorrow at twelve sharp
for an initial inspection.

Everything will be going ok
with the new system by then?

It is already, councillor.

No teething problems?

Not a squeak! Watch this...

- Oh, there it is!
- Thank God!

Oh no! It's gone to
children's parties!

Erm, are you busy Colin?

Not really, Mrs Brittas. All
seems to take care of itself,

I don't really seem to have
anything to do anymore.

You couldn't help me
for a moment, could you?

There's this thing in my room...

Brittas, I can't get out!

BRITTAS: It's
alright, councillor.

Your visitor's pass
expired 2 minutes ago.

I'll have to get
you a new number.

- What is it?
- It's a computer.

Yeah, I know that,
but why do I need one?

We've all got them now.

In fact, I think he's set up
your counselling file already.

Let's have a look...

I think you just
press counselling...

Yes.. there we are!

''Q1 : Are you
claustrophobicIrecently widowedI

depressedIimpotent? YesIno''.

I think you can just
choose one, Mrs Brittas.

''Depressed. A bit or very?''

COLIN: I see... ''Are you
contemplating suicide?''

Hmm...

''GasItabletsIcarbon
monoxideIbodily wounding?''

Erm, I think I'll go for gas.

Gas... gas is a good choice.

Now, have you closed windows,
extinguished all naked flames,

informed gas board
to settle final account?

Hang on a minute, this is for
people to fill in themselves.

Where do I come in?

Do-it-yourself counselling?
We'll soon see about that!

Please have a children's party.

No! I don't even have any kids!

I can lend you some.

It would help me so much. I
can't get out of this file.

Look, I just want a
game of badminton...

Look, I tell you what,
book the children's party,

then book the badminton,

and then I'll cancel the
children's party afterwards.

Alright, alright,
fine, anything!

So, you've booked for
45 children, 2 helpers,

1 puppet show, jelly and ice
cream after, on 5th July, 1998.

Right, now can I
book my badminton?

I'll have to have a L50
deposit for the party first.

Did I see a set of golf
clubs in here earlier?

Yeah, in the bin.

What you doing, Julie?

Christmas cards.

These are for the people who've
used the Leisure Centre once,

these are for the
ones who came back,

- This one's for Mr Jones.
- Who?

The season ticket holder.

CRASHING SOUND

I've just found out
how to delete a file.

It's a doddle!

Anyone need any help
with the roster?

- Computer's done it.
- The cleaning rota?

The computer's done it!

Actually Colin, you can help me
do the vending machine restock.

That's what I like to hear,
something to get my teeth into!

Right... I'll press enter,

and you can tear off the sheet
of paper when it comes out!

Of course, this is the thin
end of the wedge, you know.

What do you mean?

Well, now that
everything's on computer,

soon Brittas will
only need himself

and someone to water the plants,

because we're all going
to be made redundant!

Mr Brittas would
never get rid of us!

Oh no? Then tell me this...

Why can the computer can take
bookings for the next 3 years,

but can only do the staff
roster for the next 2 weeks?

Yeah, you think about that!

Right, everyone, I'd
just like to say,

counselling is now available
from me in the utility room,

for any of your
personal problems,

such as bereavement
or redundancy...

Do try not to get post
traumatic stress syndrome,

because I spilt
coffee over that page.

Almost there...

I don't want to play
badminton anymore.

- Tough!
- I wanna go home.

Look, it's not my fault,
it's this wretched thing!

That's what they all say, people
always blame the computers!

- What?
- Let me have a go.

You've got to close down all
your files and applications

before you open new ones.

Haven't you got a
sandpit to go to?

- Is everything alright, Carole?
- No!

There's nothing wrong with
the computer, it's the user.

So, you're a bit of
an expert, are you?

I've hacked about in my time.

Do these things ever go wrong?

They can get jammed
if a virus gets in.

Really?

And how exactly
does a virus get in?

BO Y: So is that clear?

I need an uninterrupted 15
minutes at this main terminal.

Half now, the rest
on completion.

Did you say you once
got into a bank?

Southern Provincial,
transferred L20 million

from their investment fund into
my dad's bank in the Caymans,

earned a couple of weeks' of
interest then put it back!

They still haven't found out!

Can we get a move on? I've
got my mock chemistry at two.

Colin, Tim's called an emergency
meeting in the staff room.

Redundant! Redundant!

If we can convince Brittas
that the system is unreliable,

then maybe it will
bring him to his senses.

Now, this boy Danny's got
this special disk thing

that he says can jam the system.

All we have to do is get
Brittas away from his office

for 15 minutes until
the signal is given.

We'll never get him
away from his desk.

He's been chained to that
PC ever since it arrived.

Any bright ideas?

KNOCK AT DOOR

- Mr Brittas?
- What is it, Gavin?

I was just wondering, Gordon, if
you'd like to go for a drink?

What?

Well, we haven't had a drink
together in quite a while.

Gavin, we haven't been for a
drink together in six years!

I just suddenly thought, ''Why
not?'' Just the two of us.

Take time out for a while.

Gavin, did Alexander
the Great stop off

for a gin and tonic when
he was conquering Persia?

It's just that we don't see
as much of you as we used to,

GAVIN: and, well, I'd
like to see more of you.

That is very touching, Gavin.

- Oh, alright then!
- Thank you!

I'll book it in 1 2.30
Thursday fortnight.

Just a swift half, mind you.

This place means everything
to me, Mrs Brittas.

It's like a second home.

Oh, it's much more
than that, Colin.

Is it?

It's your whole life. Now you're
being thrown on the scrap heap.

Well, it certainly
looks that way.

It's like being snatched away
from your mother's breast.

Really?

There you were
all snug and cosy,

sloshing around in
your amniotic fluid

and now you're being
slung out into the cold.

But I wouldn't put
it quite like that.

Resentment is perfectly
natural, Colin.

But I don't feel resentful.

What Mr Brittas is doing is
probably good for the Centre...

You may be stoical
on the surface Colin,

but deep down you are a bubbling
cauldron of resentment.

- Am I?
- Very dangerous.

Why don't you book yourself
in for my next anger weekend?

L180, three nights B&B,
including karaoke.

Okay...

That's your anger sorted, now
let's deal with your depression.

Hello Macrobyte, Dwayne, please.

Dwayne's sick? That's funny, he
was right as rain 2 minutes ago.

- Mr Brittas, come quickly!
- What is it, Linda?

- Fire!
- Fire? Where?

Er, in the staff room. Come!

I didn't hear any alarms, Linda.

Still, better safe
than sorry, eh?

There you go, all sorted, Linda!

It's no use bottling
it up, Colin.

- But I'll get over it, won't I?
- No, you won't.

This is major trauma, on
a par with bereavement.

Now, let's see you're going to
go through the following stages:

1 : Shock,
2: Numbness, 3: Tingling,

partial loss of consciousness
and paralysis of the limbs.

Oh no, hang on,
that's decompression!

Argh!

Stop fighting it
Colin, let it out.

Argh!

15 minutes? How am I going to
keep him busy for 15 minutes?

Oh come on, Julie, I'm sure
you'll think of something.

I'll give you 3 buzzes on
your intercom when I'm done.

Oh, gawd!

Hello, Macrobyte!

ANSWER PHONE: The Microbyte
helpline is now closed.

ANSWER PHONE: Our offices
are open from 8...

Eh?
INTERCOM BUZZES

JULIE: Mr Brittas?

Julie, we've got a
web, fill my box!

JULIE: Get in here now!

Better make this quick, I'm
cleaning me back-up files.

So far so good!

How long to go?

Almost done, won't
take much longer.

- Julie!
- I'm sorry, Mr Brittas.

This is a turn up for the book!

Six years I've been in
the office next to you,

watching the way you
label your folders,

and sharpen your pencil,

it sends a tingle
down me spine...

I'm very flattered,
Julie, but...

I just couldn't help it, it's
having the baby, Mr Brittas,

it's made me all confused.
Did I choose the right man?

What am I doing with my life?

And all the while, there you
are, so strong, so decisive...

INTERCOM BUZZES THREE TIMES

It's alright, I'm over it now!

The view of the Sports Council
Lottery Committee is that it's a

pretty hefty donation for a
municipal leisure centre,

you're sure that this Mr
Brittas knows what he's doing?

Well, I've left
everything to him.

He was very insistent on
overseeing the whole thing.

Just a moment, he's had
the parking computerised.

Oh dear! Teething problems...

I've told you, I'm ok.

It's off to the counselling
room for you, young lady.

- Everything alright Carole?
- No, it's not Mr Brittas!

It's a learning curve,
Carole, learning curve.

Do us a post-natal, will you,
Hel? She'll sort you out!

SCREAMING IN POOL

Pool temperature's 193, air
temperature's 1 42! Marvellous!

Hello, what's this?

Tim Whistler - salary: L3.1 7?

What? Let me see!

Gavin Beverley -
salary: L227,642!

I thought you were just
gonna jam the system?

It must have been the
way it was installed!

Well, we've have to
shut it down completely.

We'll have to go into override
at the main terminal.

Carole, we've gotta get back
into Brittas' computer!

Whatever you do, don't
let him back up. Okay?

Oh, stop it!

Sorry about that
delay gentlemen,

member of staff had a
bit of a personal problem

and you can't just bung
in a new floppy disc, eh?

This is a very proud day
for the Leisure Centre.

Please, this way...

Gentlemen come through
and gaze at the future!

Teething problems I see...

I'm sure Mr Brittas
knows what he's doing.

Typical! You install 30K's
worth of Hi-tech equipment

and the light
bulb's start going!

Mr Brittas, don't go up there!

- Why not?
- Because!

Yes?

I... want you to stay here.
I've missed you so much!

Oh not you as well...

Don't leave me! Let's spend
the afternoon together.

Carole, this is
gonna have to wait,

I've got show Mr Driscoll and
Druggitt the nerve centre.

Override, override,
got it! Oh sugar...

- What?
- He's made it secure.

- What does that mean?
- We need a password.

Well, we don't know it,
only Brittas knows it.

We'll have to go
by trial and error.

Any combination of letters
or digits, max. 15 letters.

Usually something personal,
wife's name, pet... think!

- Helen?
- No!

- Whitbury?
- No!

Try his car number F299 NPA.

ALL: Oww...

DRISCOLL: I think
I've seen enough.

You want to stay for
coffee and biscuits?

MRS BRITTAS: Please, Julie...

JULIE: No, I only did it to
get him out of his office.

But an affair would do
Gordon the world of good!

No!

- He's not unattractive, is he?
- Yes!

So Brittas was left to oversee
the whole project alone?

Yep!

And you let him
install it himself?

Yep!

No technical backup,
no executive support.

We're going to
have to investigate

your council's handling
of this affair.

What?

Well, Mr Brittas is
obviously overstretched

and there was a failure
in offering support.

Drive on!

Carole!

Carole!

Colin, did you just...

"Simple, no flowers.

The only music I
want is Jerusalem

and then Mr Brittas' Christmas
foot hygiene speech for 1992,

which I've got on cassette.

As for my ashes, I'd be
grateful if they could be mixed

half and half with
mulching manure

and then used to
plant a memorial bush.

What are his favourite things?

Oh, try 'Tin Tin', he's got
loads of 'Tin Tin' books.

Chicken Dansak!

Er, Top Gear!

- He likes that...
- Er, Thunderclap Newman?

Er... Geoff Tracey?

Yes, yes! No!

- Bambi?
- ALL: Yes!

BRITTAS: It was the scene
where his mother got shot.

He went out to look
for her in the snow.

I never got over that scene,
I'm human, too, you know.

Mr Brittas...

So... sabotage, eh?

Mr Brittas, all we
were trying to do...

Don't I know you?

I played in the chess
tournament here last year.

That's right! Three Russian
masters stormed out in a sulk.

Mr Brittas, we did it because...

Yes?

Because we were
worried about our jobs.

Mr Brittas! Please!

Stay with me! We never spend
time together anymore!

It's alright, Carole,
you can stop now.

Please, Julie! I'll
lend you my tigersuit!

No!

Yes, I wondered why everyone had
become so affectionate today.

Wait a minute!

It's this, isn't it? This...
is what's come between us.

We did rather feel you'd
forgotten us, Mr Brittas.

Well, there's only
one thing for it...

I'll cancel the contract.

- What?
- It was on trial, anyway.

You mean our jobs are safe?

I took my eye off the
ball, didn't I, Timothy?

Look at this...
this human being...

he can see, can hear,
feel, laugh, cry, sulk,

clean the pool, do Kermit
impressions at parties,

doesn't need downloading
at the end of the day

and doesn't pick up
any nasty viruses.

You show me a computer
that can match that.

Oh, I must go and tell Colin,
he'll be over the moon!

No wait! Mr Brittas,
come quickly!

It's Colin, he's up on the roof!

The roof?

Colin!

- It's for the best, Mr Brittas.
- Don't do it, Colin!

I've cleaned and
pressed my uniform,

I've given the urinals
a final hose down

and changed the toilet
ducks in the Ladies'.

Oh, and I've ordered a skip,

COLIN: so there
won't be any mess...

Colin, come back!

I shall miss you, Mr Brittas.

It's alright, Colin. You're
not going to lose your job.

- What?
- It's all over...

I'm sending the computer back!

Oh, Mr Brittas!

Argh!

Seems like we're back to normal.

I wouldn't speak too soon.

It's good to be
back, Mr Brittas.

Thank you, Colin!

TITLE MUSIC