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Julie, can you come in and take a letter, please?

Come on, get on with it, I'm eating a yogurt.

Thank you, Julie.

Right, ''Dear Councillor Druggitt, re. your memo of the 1 4th inst.

I'm seeking clarification on council policy

regarding the buying in of alternative services.

Can I take it this does not refer to

alternative religious services, as was first thought.

If so, I shall inform the Reverend Bernie Simpson,

that he can't hold voodoo sacrifices in the squash courts.

Yours etc, etc...

Oh, PS. Most of the chicken blood is now off the walls.

Greg, mind me yogurts!

How long's this gonna go on for, Julie?

Just until the trial. Is that it, then?

VOICES SHOUTING

Ooh, he's at it again!

Gordon, there's a man out there!

That's Greg, he's with me.

But Gordon, he's just...

I know my darling, he's doing it to everyone, it's his job.

Really...

I've got an important meeting to go to. What is it you want?

Money, cash, lots of it.

Is this for your counselling course?

No, no, it's not. Come on, I'm in a hurry, too.

- What's it for? - How do you expect me to know?

If I'm giving you money, I'd like to know why.

So would I, but that's not how it's done, is it?

Come on, get a move on, empty your pockets!

Before we start the meeting everyone, a little question,

has anyone noticed anything unusual this morning? Colin?

Yes, Mr Brittas, I have, something most unusual,

there was a woodpecker in my garden this morning.

No, Colin.

I found this little mangled body on the step,

COLIN: I think a cat probably got it.

No, Colin, anything unusual here.

There's a man with a gun at the back of the room.

That's right, Linda, well spotted!

I expect you'd all like to know why?

I think we would really, Mr Brittas.

- Well I can't tell you, Linda. - Why not?

That information is on a strictly ''need to know'' basis.

- We need to know! - No, you don't Tim.

- May I know, Mr Brittas? - No.

Well, as Deputy Manager, I need to know, Mr Brittas.

No, you don't. Only I know who needs to know.

- I don't need to know? - No.

- I don't need to know anything. - No, that's right, Colin.

He's with me. He's my Rapid Response Unit.

Anything you need to know, ask me.

Right, thank you, Julie, for that.

Now before I forget, after the meeting, Tim,

birth certificate, my office.

- Ah, the thing is... - Have you brought it in?

- Yes, but you said... - Good!

Moving on, in the interests of monitoring and evaluating

the efficient delivery of our service to the community,

I'm gonna initiate a staff review.

Oh, how lovely, Mr Brittas!

With sketches and songs. May I play the piano?

No Carole, it's not that sort of review.

It's a sequentially generated staff performance review.

Sorry, Mr Brittas?

Basically Carole, each one of us undertakes and delivers,

a free and frank appraisal of a colleague's performance.

This assessment will ascertain the optimum attainment levels

of that colleague in pursuance of their operational duties.

I think he means how well we're doing in our jobs.

That's one way of putting it Tim, yes.

I want them by tomorrow, please.

- Tomorrow? - Yes, first thing, please.

Gavin, I'll do you if you do me.

Er, no. You can't do that, Tim.

You see, this is a sequentially generated performance revue,

which means that each one of us has to report

on a colleague directly junior to us.

For example, I shall be reporting on Colin.

- Really, Mr Brittas? - Yes, Colin.

I don't know what to say. I'm moved, deeply moved,

and honoured. If there's anything I can do for you...

There is, Colin. You can report on Gavin,

- Gavin can... - No, that can't be right!

I'm not junior to Colin, I'm Deputy Manager.

He's just a glorified handyman.

I beg your pardon?

You spend most of the day with your hand down the toilet!

Up the toilet, if you don't mind?

Don't you know anything about U-bends?

Please, please, please, please. The point is Gavin,

Colin is Deputy Manager, you're only acting Deputy Manager.

But he doesn't even do the job, Mr Brittas!

Yes, I do! The fact I was removed from certain pool duties

due to an attack of scaberous dandruff,

is neither here nor there.

Most of it's actually still there, Colin.

But anyway Gavin, you shall be reporting on Julie,

Julie will be doing Carole...

Whilst I appreciate that we're on the same grade,

I have always assumed that I was senior to her.

I mean, after all, I have been here longer.

Yeah, but she gets paid more than you do.

Does she?

Quite a lot more actually, yes.

Anyway, you shall be reporting on Linda,

and last but not least, Linda will be assessing Tim.

So I don't have to report on anyone, then?

Oh yes you do, Timothy.

You see, this is a 360� appraisal, which means

the subject of your free and frank appraisal,

will be... think about it...

- You, Mr Brittas. - Correct!

So, I have to say how well I think you do your job?

- That's it. - And I can say what I like?

You can say all the things you like about me, Tim.

Any chance of a bit of reflexology, Linda?

Oh yes, you do seem a bit tense...

Do I? Oh good, get a move on, then.

Now, have you had reflexology before?

Yeah, once, I hated it.

I can't bear people fiddling with my feet.

Well, just sit back and try to relax...

No, I don't want to relax, I want to be tense.

I want to be like a coiled spring.

Sorry, I don't understand.

I'm going to an auction, so I need to be fully alert,

get the adrenaline going.

Oh, it's great! You can get some real bargains.

Last week I got an Edwardian bicycle pump for L1 25.

Really? How much is it worth?

About a tenner, but that's not the point.

The point is, I got it, I outbid everyone!

Oh, it's a fantastic feeling!

Oww, that's horrible! Can you do it to this foot now?

Tim, in a 360� appraisal, we're all linking arms,

we're holding hands, we're coming together as a whole.

You don't build a hole, do you? I mean, you dig a hole?

No, not a hole, a whole... a w...hole.

Sorry?

A whole, not a hole in the ground,

but a whole with a 'w', see?

A hole with a WC?

No, not... just give me your birth certificate please, Tim.

Oh, do I have to? There are certain things in it which...

The DSS has lost you Tim, they can't find you.

I'm here!

Yeah, but where are your pension contributions?

There's ten years worth of National Insurance

whacking about the computer with nowhere to go.

They need to have your details.

Oh, alright, but just let me say this, Mr Brittas.

Things aren't always what they seem.

No, but they usually are Timothy, they usually are.

Right, name, Timothy Whistler, date of birth... hang about,

this is not your birth certificate Tim.

- Yes it is. - No, it's the certificate of...

Yes, yes, I know what it says. That's my real name.

What, Timothy Goebbles?

- Yes. - Your name is Goebbles?

No, not anymore.

I'm sorry Tim, you're losing me.

Look, I was born Goebbles, my mother was German.

Right, and your father...

''Not known''.

So, legally speaking Tim, you're a German?

Who exactly are you, Tim?

Tim... Tim Goebbles, but I wanted to keep it private.

What, Private Goebbles?

Look, I got rid of Goebbles years and years ago.

What, you killed him?

No, I just became Whistler.

So who's this Whistler?

There is no Whistler! I just made it up, alright?

No, it's not alright. You can't just make yourself up.

Does this Timothy Whistler have a birth certificate?

- No. - National Insurance number?

No.

Are there any legal documents at all for Timothy Whistler?

No!

So there's nothing to prove that Timothy Whistler exists?

Well no, apart from the fact that I am here.

Not according to the DSS, Timothy.

To them you're a non-person,

and you can't argue with a government department.

Legally speaking you are not here,

so as far as I'm concerned young man, you don't exist,

there is no Timothy Whistler.

Assume the position!

And which position would sir like me to assume?

That's enough Greg, put it away!

Oh he's not upsetting you is he, Carole?

Of course not.

A professional receptionist is never upset.

She is trained to deal with every eventuality

with courtesy, respect and patience... CRAP.

You'll find professionalism is my middle name.

You might like to put that in your report.

- Where's this letter, then? - Here it is.

Now listen, have you started doing your report,

I've started mine on Linda, I'm giving her a glowing report.

Oh Greg, it's another one...

''I'll get you in the end!''

This is the fourth one I've had, threatening letters.

''I'm coming for you'', ''You can run but you can't hide'',

''Make my day'', someone's trying to kill me.

It's beginning to get on me nerves!

Zero 1 , this is PCGE, yeah, another one.

With respect Julie, who'd want to kill you?

I ask, of course, with courtesy and patience.

Professional hit men. Do you remember a year ago,

I saw that robbery? well, they're coming up for trial.

I'm the star prosecution witness, apparently.

So they're trying to get rid of me,

that's why Greg's here, police protection.

4 7, 51 , 10/4, ten minutes.

Is he talking to Headquarters?

No, Ho Won, the Chinese takeaway.

I've never known anyone eat so much, morning, noon and night.

You mean, he's with you...

Yeah, 24 hours. He never sleeps, which is quite good really,

because he's the one who gets up and feeds the baby.

How does Alex take to that?

- Alex? - Your Alex, the baby's father.

Oh, him! No, I haven't seen him since I chucked him.

It's very difficult being a single parent, isn't it?

I know, though I would never let it adversely affect my work.

Perhaps you might like to put that in your report?

Oh, I'm not doing one of those, I can't be fagged.

Why not? You must, it's very important, it's my career,

I want to get on, I want to make something of my life.

Well I just want to hang on to mine.

- Are you spying on me? - Yes!

Haven't you got anything better to do?

No toilets to unblock?

I'm assessing your optimum attainment level

in pursuance of your operational duties,

so, frankly Mr. Acting Deputy Manager,

I've yet to find out what those duties are.

Oh, give it a rest!

Insubordination...

So what are you doing out here then? Skiving?

No, I'm making sure that there is no un-authorised parking.

I see... Skiving!

On Mr Brittas' orders?

No Colin, some of us don't need to be told what to do,

some of us use initiative.

Going behind Mr Brittas' back,

in an attempt to undermine his authority.

I notice that there are no illegally parked cars.

- No, thanks to me. - No thanks to Gavin.

I'm going, I've got a job to do.

Well make sure you don't block the toilet again!

I'm sorry Mrs Brittas, I'm afraid you can't park there.

What?

These spaces are for... No, nothing!

you park wherever you want!

I've had a fantastic afternoon Colin, I went to the auction.

L35, miscellaneous bric-a-brac!

Brilliant! I got such a buzz I went blind!

Are you alright now? Are you sure you should be driving?

I mean I was bidding unseen.

There could be anything in here, it's a sort of...

Pandora's box!

No, no, it's mine, I outbid everyone.

It's like a sort of lucky dip.

There's a... a...

Mrs Brittas, I haven't seen one of those since I was 1 2!

What is it?

It's a pea shooter, though interestingly enough,

seldom used for the shooting of peas.

I used chewed up blotting paper. Over a three-year period

I managed to cover the entire ceiling of the chemistry lab!

Well, you have it then Colin, keep it.

No, no, I couldn't.

Yes, yes, you must. You see Colin,

It's important to learn how to give,

but it's just as important to learn how to receive.

That's on this week's counselling course,

it's called transactional psychosynthesis.

Fascinating, I expect.

You see, the act of receiving is itself an act of generosity.

By accepting my gift to you, you give me the pleasure of giving,

I derive pleasure from giving.

I should be thanking you.

So, thank you Colin, thank you.

No, no, thank you.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Clear the pool, please. Everyone out!

BRITTAS: Unsupervised swimming is against council regulations.

Oh, but Mr Brittas, I'm here.

Due to an oversight it would appear that no one is on duty.

What are you talking about?

Ah Linda, I'm glad you've arrived,

could you take over, please? I'm afraid the pool has been left

without a qualified lifeguard.

- What about Tim? - Who?

Tim. Tim, there! Tim Whistler.

I'm sorry, there is no Tim Whistler.

It is now safe to return to the pool,

BRITTAS: Linda is here, she's a qualified lifeguard,

BRITTAS: everyone back in the pool, please.

Oh, thank you, Mrs Brittas, it's lovely!

I think it's gilt, isn't it?

No, no, I don't feel guilt anymore,

it's a simple act of giving and receiving,

one friend to another.

No, I mean gilt as in gold, not as in, oh, you know...

I'm so sorry, it's all my fault.

What is? Do you want to come and see me

for some counselling, you know, to talk about it?

- Talk about what? - These feelings of guilt.

And, well, I suppose, low self-esteem.

I don't have any low self-esteem.

Oh come on, you must have.

No, no I don't, not after my assertive training.

Yeah, but that didn't work, did it?

Yes! Yes, it did! Mostly...

It's good to talk Carole, you can turn things around, I did.

You could be like me.

Really?

Let's see if we can find something for Ben!

Oh look, here's a little water pistol.

Now something for the twins.

Oh, look at this!

I've been to Gravesend...

Oh, Gravesend!

There used to be a lovely little bistro on the river,

called, 'The Lonely Mariner'.

I'm sure he has very low self-esteem.

Carole, where's Colin?

He's gone through to the staff restroom, Mr Brittas.

Gordon, I've been to Gravesend!

Have you, my darling? That was quick!

No, look, this is for you, ''I've been to Gravesend''.

You've been all the way down to Gravesend to buy me

a cigarette case? You know I don't approve of smoking.

No, it's a present, a souvenir.

It's supposed to make you remember.

But I've never smoked, my angel.

Just take it!

Don't be so selfish, learn to receive... graciously.

What are you doing, Colin?

I'm timing Gavin, Mr Brittas.

He told me he had a job to do,

but I didn't think it would be this big a job.

He's been in there for 23 minutes.

Colin!

He's skiving, Mr Brittas.

According to a recent time and motion study,

the average duration of a bowel movement

in this country is 6 minutes and 70 seconds,

There are regional variations due to dietary considerations.

You can take a fibre, curry, Brussels sprouts, and so on.

Colin...

But 23 minutes is pushing it in anybody's language!

While you've been in here timing what Gavin is doing in there,

officially speaking, no one has been manning the pool.

Tim's supposed to be manning the pool.

I'm afraid to say, that officially speaking,

Timothy Whistler does not exist.

But I saw him less than an hour ago!

Ah, you may have thought you saw him.

I'm with you now, Mr Brittas!

It's a bit of a philosophical poser, isn't it, eh?

Does Timothy Whistler still exist

when I can no longer see that he exists? It's Descartes!

No, it's Goebbles.

No, no, I'm sure it's Descartes!

I read it on the back of a Weetabix box,

''Great thinkers through history'', seeing is believing.

Take this chair...

Colin, what are you rabbiting on about?

Your philosophical conundrum, Mr Brittas.

Now, I can see that this chair exists, but does it still exist

if I close my eyes and can no longer see it?

No, Colin, and that's coming out of your wages.

Assume the position!

I'm sorry about this, I had to bring Greg down.

You see, he has to go everywhere with me,

but that means I have to everywhere with him,

and he needs to go, badly.

Come on Greg.

Er, Julie, you can't go into the Gents' with him.

I know that, we go to the Ladies'.

GAVIN YELLS

COLIN: 24 minutes, 50 seconds.

Bye Carole, see you tomorrow.

Linda, before you go, when was it you won 'Best of Breed'?

- Sorry? - Which year in the county show?

It was when I was four, and my dog won, not me. Why?

Oh, I'm putting it in the report.

Chapter 4, little Linda's lurcher is top dog.

Do you really need to know all this?

It's supposed to be a job appraisal?

This is background information, it's absolutely essential.

If it's worth doing, it's worth doing well.

BEN LAUGHS

Ben, stop it!

It's the, er, water pistol.

Here's your cocoa.

Thank you, my darling.

Oh, it's thank you now, is it? Tut!

Do I sense a certain atmosphere, my sweet?

I don't think you sense anything.

Sensitivity isn't your strong point, is it Gordon?

Is this about the cigarette case?

Well, of course it is...

I gave a little present to everyone in the Centre today,

giving and receiving. Everyone accepted graciously...

... except you.

I'm sorry, my darling. I didn't realise it meant so much to you,

I will treasure it, I will keep it next to my heart.

How could you forget Gravesend?

I've never been to Gravesend.

Oh no? So where were you on my birthday two years ago then?

Two years ago? Let me see... Of course!

Management training weekend at Hemel Hempstead, wasn't it?

Can I get you some more cocoa, Gordon?

No thank you, my darling.

I do love you really, you know.

Yes, I know you do.

I don't deserve you, I'm such a fool!

I'm always jumping to the wrong conclusions,

I'm always getting things wrong.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're not!

So I'm wrong again?

Pardon?

I bet I got all the other presents wrong, too.

They probably didn't want them, they were just being polite.

Oh God, I feel so stupid now.

Why did I feel the need to give everyone a present anyway?

I expect you thought you were doing it for the best,

but remember, you can't buy friendship.

Is that what I was doing?

I remember when I was at school, we had one little lad

who always carried a bag of sweeties around with him.

He always gave sweets to all the other boys and girls

because he wanted them to be his friends,

but do you think he could buy their friendship?

No...

No, it didn't work for me then,

and it's not going to work for you now.

So, if you never knew your father's name, why Whistler?

He was a whistler, you see, he was a guide,

and his whistle was the signal that the coast was clear,

he was East German, he never came across himself.

No, but your mother came across.

So, so beautiful...

I'd have used the sewers myself!

Assume the position!

Give it a rest Greg, heel, sit.

Right, morning all, staff performance review time.

I hope you've all got your reports finished

because they're gonna help me enormously

with my process re-engineering strategy.

- What's that then? - Any questions?

- Yes, what's that then? - None at all?

Yes, Mr Brittas, what's that then?

What's that then? Good question, Gavin.

Process re-engineering strategy creates an efficient machine.

I think it's going to make somebody redundant.

Right Linda, can I have your report on me, please?

I have done one on Tim.

I've done one on you, it's a belter!

I'm afraid you have been wasting your time then, Linda.

According to the DSS,

we do not have an employee called Timothy Whistler.

Right Julie, your report on Carole, please.

Oh, I couldn't be fagged!

- I beg your pardon? - I haven't done one.

Julie, this is very bad.

D' you wanna want to make something of it?

No... no hurry, in your own time. Gavin!

Er, it's my writing hand, Mr Brittas.

Ah... Colin, where's your report on Gavin?

Who knows Mr Brittas?

Sorry?

Does it exist? Did it ever exist?

Do I exist? Is life but a dream?

Has he been cleaning out the septic tank again?

Does an object still exist in the room after I have left?

Our old friend Descartes.

Colin, I just want the flaming report!

Well that's what I am trying to tell you, Mr Brittas.

I was finishing my report in the pub last night,

not a very complimentary one I must say,

so if you are looking for redundancies...

Get on with it!

I was finishing my report, which I put on a table,

while I nipped for...

... for a comfort break,

and when I got back, the report was gone, it no longer exists!

Descartes strikes again!

Well, I am appalled, I am...

A wally.

I've finished mine, Mr Brittas.

I've called it, ''Love conquers all''.

It's a heart-warming saga of a young girls passionate quest

for fulfillment through fitness.

Linda's heart swelled with pride

and the colour rose in her cheeks

as she threw open the doors to the gymnasium.

What a day to...

What sort of drivel is this, Carole?

I did my best, Mr Brittas.

I thought I'd make it more interesting, more in depth.

Yes, well frankly Carole, you're out of your depth.

Thank you, Mr Brittas.

What conclusions can we draw from the staff review?

That it has been a great success,

because it has been a total failure.

What a jerk!

It's been proved that we don't have the time

to do our everyday jobs and to report on each other.

We're overworked and understaffed.

There was a potentially life-threatening incident

in the pool, because it was left unattended.

You prat!

Which means we have a vacancy for a pool attendant.

Applicants should have a polite personality,

previous experience as a lifeguard

and be able to prove they exist.

WALKIE TALKIE MESSAGE

Yeah?

OPERATOR: Code 1 4. Protection suspended. Return to base.

Okay, Roger.

What was Roger on about? What's Code 1 4?

They're pleading guilty, you won't be going to court.

You don't need protection.

Aww, but I was enjoying myself, it's been fun!

And you get served much quicker in the pub

when you're with a gun-toting bodyguard.

The thing is, Mr Brittas, I'm a little bit worried

because you haven't actually mentioned your report on me.

Don't worry Colin, it's generally pretty good,

it's hovering between a B+ and a B++.

Oh, bless you Mr Brittas!

I was so nervous, it's such a relief!

Yeah, so I see...

Oh no, that wasn't me, that was Ben the little scamp!

Ben and his water pistol!

I took the liberty of confiscating it.

Oww! Oww!

- Oh, shut up! - What did you do that for?

I've learnt to give, I've learnt to receive,

and now I'm learning to take back what's mine!

Yes, and I've told Tim to apply.

Mrs Brittas?

- Come on, give! - Sorry?

The water pistol, where is it?

Well, Ben had a little accident and Colin took it away.

He had no right to! I'm the one who's taking things away.

- Where's yours? - My what?

The book.

Oh, this? I'm enjoying it actually, it's really good!

Tough luck!

And don't expect Gordon to give you any sweets either.

We don't buy friendship.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hello, I, er, understand there's a vacancy for a pool attendant?

Indeed. And you are...

Timothy, Timothy Goebbles.

Good, Mr Goebbles.

Have a seat, please. Have you done this sort of work before?

Oh, come on, Mr Brittas, you know I have.

Excellent! Well Tim, may I call you Tim?

Well, that is my name...

You can't always be sure, I have been caught out in the past.

Well, I'm glad to say that you've interviewed very well,

Mr Goebbles, you've got the job!

As simple as that?

Yes, well in fact no, because you're German, aren't you?

No, my mother was German...

You are, in fact, a Euro import.

Now, council regulations mean I won't be employing you,

but I will be buying in your services.

Sorry.

And as a freelance, I won't be able to pay you the same wage.

- Yeah, that figures. - No, I'll be paying you more.

Really?

In Deutschemarks. You see, as a contract employee,

you come from a different part of the budget,

you are an EC acquisition, alternative services.

Paying you more represents a considerable saving.

It's called, creative accountancy.

Sorry, I don't understand...

I'm not surprised, it's a full weekend course!

Anyway, welcome to Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre!

I've got most of them back and I don't think I've got

a single friend left in the building.

Is that alright, Gordon? Just gotta find Colin now.

- Oh, Julie... - JULIE: Yeah?

These flowers have arrived for you and this letter.

Greg, it's another one. I'm not out of the woods yet, oh god!

Another threat?

''You're going to be mine forever, please marry me,

your little lamb chop, Alex''.

It all makes sense now, what a berk!

''I'll get you in the end'', ''Make my day''.

It's Alex proposing again. It's been him all along.

How nice, love conquers all!

You don't have to go just yet, do you?

Because there could be other people trying to kill me

but they just haven't bothered to write.

You'll love it here, Tim. I know I do. This place is my life!

Go on, give it to him.

Ah, Mr Brittas, here's the gun and shooter.

MRS BRITTAS: Gordon!

Look what you've done!

This was a present from my wife you vandal.

He's ruined it, darling.

It saved your life! ''I've been to Gravesend...''

Well, I'm glad you did now!

Colin, are you alright?

Fine, thank you, Mr Brittas.

I've just been shot through the head, that's all.

A mere flesh wound, I'll be back to work on Monday.

I can't let the side down when we are under staffed, eh?

Good man Colin, I'll put it in your report.

Thank you, Mr Brittas, and may I say,

it's an honour to share the same bullet with you.

TITLE MUSIC