All language subtitles for The.Brittas.Empire.S07E01.DVDRip.en

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Subtitles ripped by Worst

Note 1 : Pile of
dung in car park.

Re. pile of dung, who's
is it? End of note.

Someone's been fly-tipping
again, Carole.

It's not Carole, it's Linda.

Does the word 'dung' mean
anything to you, Linda?

Yes, it's the sound bells
make, Mr Brittas, dung!

Yes, but what is a huge great
pile... where is Carole?

She's on that self-assertion
course. I'm helping her out.

Of course! Self-assertion,
excellent!

That rather stimulating
weekend in Nuneaton.

But today's Monday,
why's she not here?

She rang to say she's
going to be late,

and if you don't like it, tough.

Good, it's working.
She's asserting herself.

Investment in people. That's
what we're all about, Linda.

Oh, er, Councillor
Drugget is in your office.

- Yes, I know.
- How?

He's trod in manure and
left a trail of footprints.

Get it cleared up, please.

Actually, I think you did that.

Well you'd better follow me with
a damp cloth, hadn't you, Linda?

I've made you a cup of coffee.

- Thank you, Julie.
- I wouldn't drink it, though.

- Stop kicking!
- You're pregnant, aren't you?

Oh, spotted that
did you, councillor?

Take any prize
off the top shelf!

You'll be wanting
maternity leave?

Get back in the knife drawer.
You're too sharp for life!

Alright, Linda, don't
over do it. Go away!

Morning, councillor! Come to
sign on for the bungee jump?

No, I haven't.

We've been getting complaints
about these leaflets

you keep putting
through people's doors.

Crisp and very
much to the point,

''Bungee Jumpers Do
It On The Way Down!''

Witty, Jack.

Vulgar, Gordon.

The council is not happy
with Macho Max as sponsors.

Councillor, Macho Max is the
nation's foremost suppliers

of rugged equipment
for the outdoor male.

Foul weather gear, survival
clothing, proactive trousers...

Half the users of this
Leisure Centre are women!

What's Macho Max
got to do with them?

Been thought of,
councillor. Macho Maggy!

Survival clothing
in pastel shades.

Little zip at the front,
out pops an apron!

An apron!

Our women councillors will go
beserk when they hear that!

Do you realise how politically
incorrect that is?

Councillor, Macho Max
offered the best deal.

They provide the bungee back-up,
transport, insurance...

Alright, it has to go ahead
but no more publicity.

INTERCOM BUZZES
Yes, Julie?

Does he want another
cup of coffee?

I think we'll take that as a no.

Oh, welcome to
Whitbury New Town...

Ssh, ssh! Gavin, it's me!

Oh, Mrs Brittas,
you're a bit dressed up?

No, no, I'm not, ignore this.

I had a fantastic idea just as
I was cleaning out the kennel!

I'm going into business!
The franchise is up

for the sauna solarium and
I'm putting in a bid for it!

Well, you'll need
L10,000, you know?

I know, I know,
that's why I'm here.

Gavin, I need someone for a
desperate criminal enterprise.

Who's the most daring, the
most macho member of staff?

Is it Tim? Colin? ... Or you?

I'd say Julie!

Julie? But she's
nine months pregnant!

That doesn't worry her. She's
doing the bungee jump tomorrow!

Ooh, well she's the
girl for me then!

Oh, damn. Can you clean this up
with a damp cloth or something?

Tim, time for the meeting.

No, no, I'm staying up here.

You're shivering?

- A bit...
- You're dripping wet!

You're sitting in a draught.

- How long have you been here?
- Two hours...

- You'll get pneumonia.
- I was planning on a chill...

What are you doing?
Come on, come down.

No!

We've got a meeting, come down!

- What's this for?
- I'm not saying!

It's the bungee tomorrow, isn't
it? You don't want to do it.

No, I don't. I've got to
get myself a sick note.

If you don't want to jump,
why don't you just say so?

You don't have to
make yourself ill.

I don't want Gavin to find
out and you mustn't tell him!

Of course I won't tell Gavin.

Gavin thinks I'm tough but the
bungee jump scares me to death!

You're going to die anyway
if you get pneumonia.

I don't mind dying of
something I'm not scared of.

- Talk to Mr Brittas...
- No, don't tell anyone...

Alright, but pull
yourself together.

Be your usual self at the
meeting or people will guess.

Alright...

Morning, all! Still
no sign of Carole?

Oh, she rang to say she's
listening to woman's hour first

then she'll come in
if she feels like it.

Good! She's being
assertive, it's working!

Now, Timothy. What does
this whistle say to you?

Er... beep!

No, not ''beep''. Listen...

SILENCE

No, I can't hear anything.

Precisely! You blow this when
you're in your snow hole.

Only the St.
Bernard's can hear it!

You seek help without
annoying human beings.

Another superb product from
the exclusive Macho Max range!

Now, for tomorrow's bungee
jump, courtesy of Macho Max,

we'll all be wearing top
quality Macho Max T-shirts,

showing a well-muscled
male torso.

I'm not wearing one of those!

Of course not, Linda! There's a
female torso version as well.

Certainly not wearing
one of those...

Alright, you can wear the
aluminium survival bag.

She'll look like a baked potato!

Right, so at 1000
hours tomorrow morning,

the bungee crane will be in
position. Who's gonna be first?

- Come one! Anyone?
- I'll be first, Mr Brittas.

- I've done it before...
- Well done! then... Gavin!

- Oh, right...
- Right...

And Tim, you'll be
jumping, will you?

Oh yes, absolutely.
Straight in and down, mate.

Good man!

Right, to put you more
fully in the picture,

Macho Max will be flying
their advertising balloon

above the Centre... Carole,
you're back! How was the course?

Don't bother me with your
stupid questions, Brittas.

The public are waiting to
come in and enjoy themselves.

Now why don't you stop all your
yapping and get back to work!

DOOR SLAMS

That's what I want. A
receptionist with attitude!

The new, assertive Carole.

She said you were
stupid, Mr Brittas...

Yes, she did, but
remember, Gavin,

''Management accepts new ideas
and criticisms''. MANIAC

When you see me doing
managing, think ''MANIAC''!

We do, Mr Brittas, we do.

Right, end of meeting!

Urgh! What's that
horrible smell?

I'm sorry I'm late, Mr Brittas.

Colin, is that manure?

Now how did you know that?

- Is it yours?
- Oh no, it's elephant's.

Where's it come from, Colin?

From the back ends of
elephants, Mr Brittas.

I've got nine cubic yards of
the stuff in the car park.

Colin, it's a health risk. Put
it back where it came from.

The elephants won't
like that, Mr Brittas.

Colin, it's being trodden
into my Leisure Centre,

what have you got
it here for anyway?

I'm sorry, Mr Brittas, but
that is a personal matter

and I reserve to myself
the right of silence.

Get rid of it, please!
Right, end of meeting.

Er... AOB, Mr Brittas.

Oh yes, any other business?

Yes! There's another load
arriving at dinnertime.

Julie?

Ssh! I'm playing it classical
music to give it good taste.

Oh, how lovely! Bach? Mozart?

Elvis!

Yes... Julie, I want you
to help me do a burglary.

Can we do Mothercare? There's
this nursing bra to die for!

No, not Mothercare,
here, at the Centre!

Here? what's there to nick here?

This coat.

Oh, the coat... you've got
it, why do you wanna nick it?

INTERCOM BUZZES

BRITTAS: Julie, bring me the
ping-pong ball register, please.

I'm exercising me pelvic floor!

BRITTAS: I'll come and
get it myself then!

Not a word to Gordon. I'll
see you in Colin's room in 5.

Ping-pong balls?

Just where do you
think you're going?

Oh, just to have
a little swim...

I don't think so. Just
look at those shoes!

It's from outside. It's
all over the car park!

Yes, well you can go right
back out there with it!

Go on, out! Out!

BEN MOANS

Oh, be quiet, Ben. We'll
have our quality time later.

Carole, can I book
the sauna, please?

Yes, just after you've
cleaned up that mess!

I'm not a cleaner,
I'm an attendant!

Well maybe you'd like to attend
to it with a dustpan and brush?

- No way!
- Don't push it!

Oh god, I hope I
can keep this up...

Oh, I wasn't expecting you.

Come in, Julie.

Oh, it's a bit pongy in here.

Is it? I'll get the
Airwick out then.

Do you know, I've
had this bottle

since 1977 and
it's still effective.

You don't mind if
I get on, do you?

No, what are you doing?

I'm going through this
lot with a fine toothcomb.

Right... there's something I
wanted to ask you, a favour.

For you Julie, anything.

Colin, you know I got
rid of my boyfriend,

well I was wondering...

I'm sorry, Julie. I do
appreciate that it's a leap year

but I am afraid I can't marry
you, I'm already spoken for.

No, not marry me!

I mean, would you like to
be my baby's Godfather?

That is the nicest thing
anybody's ever said to me...

... in my whole life.

Is it? Not been much
of a life then, Colin.

I will be honoured
to be his Godfather...

Or if it's a girl, Godmother.

Oh, ta!

I'd give you a kiss but I can't
find an appetising place.

So, you're spoken for, you say?

I have proposed to and been
accepted by Mrs Harcourt.

Mrs? Is she married?

She maybe Julie, she didn't say
and it's not my place to ask.

She said yes, and I know why!

I popped the question in
the most romantic place...

Venice, in a gondola,
in the moonlight?

At the zoo, right by
the elephant house.

Picture this: in my hand, the
antique diamond engagement ring

that belonged to my granny.

I kneel down in front
of Edwina, Mrs Harcourt,

I reach out my hand and at that
moment, the elephant's trunk

comes through the bars,
takes the ring and eats it!

Oh, Colin...

Naturally Mrs Harcourt wont
marry me until I find it.

The trouble is, I didn't
know which animal it was.

I've had to purchase everything
those 5 elephants have done

in the bathroom for
the last 3 days!

Somewhere in here is that ring,
my passport to happiness.

Oh, it's elephants doings!

Julie, keep your
eye on that lot,

keen gardeners will
stoop to anything...

Hello Mrs Brittas,
is it cold out?

You make yourselves at home.
Julie, put the kettle on.

Hmm, what a nice smell!

Oh, it's horrible in here.

Oh, I've just come down
from the changing rooms,

this place is like a
breath of fresh air.

Where did you get that
coat from, Mrs Brittas?

My mother gave it to me,
it's insured for L5000,

which is half what I need
for the sauna/solarium,

so it would be very
convenient if it got stolen.

I would wait for a burglar but,

well, criminals, they
can't be trusted, can they?

So you want me to come round
to your house and steal it?

No, no, we will steal it
together, and it's got to be

from here because we are not
insured at home at the moment,

not after the second explosion.

It's got to be taken
from a locked cupboard

in order to get the
insurance money...

This cupboard would be ideal!

Of course I need
a signed receipt.

Oh, I can get you one of
those from Mr Brittas.

Choose your moment and
he'll sign anything.

Great!

What a lovely,
cosy-looking nightie!

I've got my nightie on!
How am I going to get home?

I can take you home in
the back of the van,

I'll put some newspapers down.

No thank you, Colin. No one will
notice if I run fast enough.

Tim? Tim!

JULIE: Tim, what are you
doing? What are you doing?

TIM: No, no, let me go!

You are going to kill
yourself, you're half-cooked!

Yes, yes, but what does
the thermometer say?

- Is it over 100?
- It says 1 28!

Ah well, there you are you
see! I'm not well, I'm ill,

I'm feverish, I should go home
and stay in bed for a week!

You've got to tell Mr Brittas
if you don't want to jump.

No, because he'll tell Gavin,

and Gavin is so tough he'll just
have complete contempt for me,

he'll never talk to me again!

Do you know, Gavin's
got friends in the SAS,

and they bungee jump all
day, just to go downstairs,

and that's the sort
of man Gavin likes,

that's the sort
of man Gavin is...

I'm sorry Mr Brittas
but I can't do it!

I can't face this
bungee jump thing!

Of course you can, Gavin!

No I can't, Mr Brittas!
I suffer from vertigo.

I have this terrible fear
that I'm going to fall,

then I get this horrible
urge to throw myself off!

Well done, Gavin! That's the
whole point of bungee jumping.

Keep that, we'll build on it.

I've got a doctor's certificate!

Well you can wave
it on the way down,

and on the way back up again,

and on the way back down again.

Alright, I'll tell you the
truth, I'm terrified.

Tim may never speak to me
again, but I'm terrified!

I don't wanna die!

Gavin, Gavin, Gavin.

Since I've been
manager of this Centre,

I'm very proud to say there
have only been 23 deaths...

and not one of them
was a staff member.

INTERCOM BUZZES

JULIE: Detective Inspector
Thompson on line one.

Thank you, Julie.
Excuse me, Gavin.

Brittas! Hello Inspector.

Running down the High Street
dressed only in her nightie?

Well it could be my wife, yes.

Abusive and violent?
Alright, you win.

Well look, you know the address,
and once she is safely home,

if you could lock the door,
please? Thanks, bye, bye.

Gavin...

I'll get to the top of that
crane thing and I'll wet myself!

In front of everyone,
television are gonna be there!

I want to talk to you in
private. About Tim, it's urgent.

Not now, Linda.

You said your door
was always open.

It is, so go out of it!

- I'm not going.
- What's this about Tim?

I'm not saying.

Councillor Drugget's come
back and he's dead mad!

Well tell him to make an
appointment please Julie.

Gordon, 8 men in camouflage
smocks, spelling out the words,

'Macho Max', have abseiled down
the front of the Civic Centre.

I tell a lie, 7,

one fell off watching a
mad woman in her nightie.

I suspect you're at
the bottom of all this,

get on the phone to this awful
company and tell them...

- Councillor...
- Sign this.

I hear what you're saying...

These 'Macho' people
are a private army.

Now listen, all of you!

This Centre is a
financial disgrace.

Entirely due to this Centre,
we have had to set the highest

council rate in the
country, twice Liverpool's!

I give you permission to
seek your own sponsorship,

you come up with your
own ideas and what hap...

Where are
they all going?

Sorry councillor...

Nice speech, bad timing. Fire
drill, every day, 1 1 o'clock.

Coffee in the car park,
watch where you tread.

FIRE BELL RINGS

We'll just sit here a second and
make sure the coast's clear.

Did you bring something
to open the cupboard door?

I found one of these
in the bathroom.

Bathroom? The mind boggles.

And I brought a brick
to break a window with.

And a spare brick in case
there's double glazing.

It's all quiet.

It's Colin!

Still doing his muck spreading.

Hello Julie, hello Mrs Brittas.

Colin, it's 2 o'clock
in the morning!

The best time for
disposal, Julie.

Everybody's tucked safely
up in bed, you see.

I've manured 1 7 gardens already!

Just think how pleased they
will be when they wake up

in the morning and find
the manure fairy's been.

Why don't you just
chuck it away, Colin?

It's too good for that,
elephant's is best!

What are you doing
here at this time?

Well apparently there's an
eclipse of the moon tonight,

er... Patrick Moore said,

so Julie and I have
just been driving around

trying to find the best
place to watch it from.

I can't see any moon.

Oh well, this is the place then.

Brilliant! Right,
I'll leave you to it.

I've got one more border to
do at number 29 The Grove,

and then it's
my big challenge...

Number 30 has got window
boxes, on the first floor.

Ooh mind where you
tread, it's everywhere!

I'm not going to Africa
if it's like this underfoot.

Oh, here we are!

Oh thank goodness
it's not been stolen!

Right, so what do
we do with it now?

Oh, I hadn't thought of
that... Put it in the boiler.

Oh, the boiler, but
it's a really nice coat.

Look, I'll tell you
what, we won't burn it,

I'll take it, no
one'll suspect me.

But they'll see
you wearing it...

- Oh, I wont wear it.
- What's the use in it then?

The baby can be photographed
on it like a bearskin rug.

But they'll see the photos.
No, it's got to be burnt.

I need the money,
franchises cost money!

Animals gave their
life for this coat!

They were lemmings,

they were only going to throw
themselves off a cliff!

Oh! I fell right in it!

Oh, I'm sorry, are you alright?

Yeah, I'm alright... Oh my god!

- What?
- Somethings happened!

- I think I've started!
- Started?

You can't give birth now, we're
in the middle of a burglary!

My bag's at home, I
forgot to get some soap,

I've got to go and get some
soap and talcum powder.

No, not now, the
shops aren't open.

Look, sit yourself down, this
isn't going to happen at once.

Mr Abdullah said if I got
to the clinic in good time,

I could have my
baby in the pool.

I want my baby in the pool!

Ooh, but it's full of chlorine.

Not this one, the
one at the clinic!

I've got to get to the clinic...

No, no, now stay
still and calm down,

then I'll take
you to the hospital.

Oh, oh, it's too late,
it's contractions!

How often are they coming?

How do I know? I've
only had the one!

Well, can you hurry up a bit
before Colin gets back?

I'll have my baby in my own
good time, thank you very much!

You don't want it born
with a criminal record.

Oh! It's another one... Oh, oh!

Look sit down, lie
down, on my coat, yes.

Oh I don't want to
mess your coat up.

Oh just now we were
gonna burn it.

Oh, oh, two contractions
at once! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Shhh! Shhh!

What am i saying 'shhh' for? We
haven't done anything wrong,

we just happened to be watching
the eclipse of the moon,

when you started having a baby.

It must happen all the time...

What's wrong with the phones?

Oh, they're switched
off at night.

Oh my god. I could...

Oh no, I can't!

I never thought I'd say this,
but I wish Gordon was here...

This is a citizens arrest!

- Helen?
- What are you doing here?

I might ask you the same
question, my darling.

I thought you was
beside me in bed.

Oh, I did the old
trick with the pillow!

I thought you were a
bit unresponsive...

Then I got a phone call
to say they'd found

one of the Leisure Centre
ladders in the garden of No.30,

with a smear of manure down
the house wall above it.

Colin!

Definitely one of our ladders,
make a note, please Julie.

Oh, I'm having a baby!

You've been saying that for
nearly 9 months, Julie.

Well I'm saying it again!

Then, I follow the trail of
manure to this very building

and I find you here, Helen.

Now look, I know you're a
troubled woman, but writing

rude messages on walls with
manure is not the answer.

Gordon, Julie is giving birth.

- Ooh!
- Right, leave it to me!

Has it started
dilating yet, Julie?

I'm not telling you,
you pie-faced git!

I know you are under
a lot of strain,

but a simple yes or
no would suffice.

Yes you great pudding!

Right, now, time for action!

Let me hereby inform
you of your rights.

- You're not arresting her?
- No...

I'm informing her of her
rights as a Euro mother.

Now, you should of applied
for your maternity grant

a week before your
confinement...

Do something! She's having a
baby and the phones don't work!

You are the expert when it
comes to child birth, my sweet.

Well, you were there...

Only in an advisory capacity,
you were in the driving seat.

Never mind your bloody memoirs!

Have you got your mobile?
Phone the hospital!

I'll call 999...

Gordon, please, not the police!

Hello? Ambulance please...

Hello, my name is...

Don't say Brittas!
They wont send anyone!

Hello, my name is Philpot,
can we have an ambulance

round at Whitbury New Town
Leisure Centre please?

- Hello? Hello?
- I told ya...

It's the reception.

Hello? Hello? This is
Helen Brittas. Hello?

I can't here a damn thing. It
might be better somewhere else.

Ooh, ooh, it's coming! Ooh...

No it isn't and
that's an order, Julie!

It isn't... Thank you.

Ah, I'm sorry I'm
early, Mr Brittas.

It's alright, Colin, everyone's
early, especially Julie.

- What's wrong with your leg?
- Nothing.

You're limping.

I had a bit of an accident, er,

I was watching the
eclipse, yes, that's it,

and I climbed up a ladder to get
nearer the moon and I fell off!

You are the phantom manure
spreader of Whitbury!

And I'm Jeremy Beadle,
this is a crisis!

If it's a crisis I'll get the
kettle on and we'll have...

She's having a baby!

In that case I'll
get two kettles on!

COLIN: You're in safe hands now!

You will wash them
first, wont you?

Yes, both of them...

I was reading in the paper,
they don't use forceps anymore,

they use suction
on the baby's head.

I thought we might have
a go with one of these.

Argh! Don't let him near me!

Hello? Hello? Oh, damn...

Who's that? Hello? Hello?

Stop! Stop!

It's me, Carole. You're
interrupting my schedule.

But it's ten past
three in the morning!

It's my new fitness regime,
100 lengths before sunrise,

I'm sponsoring myself and saving
up for a Harley Davidson.

Oh! Erm, Julie's having
her baby in the basement.

Ah, now that's a good idea!
Who's sponsoring her?

Just let me get my towel...

I want me mum!

Of course you do, Julie.

I think we could offer her a
free entrance to the Centre.

Shut up! Just do something!

It's alright Julie, I'm here!

CAROLE: Start your breathing.
They taught you at ante natal?

Good. You, get scrubbed up!

- But I'm clean!
- Not clean enough.

Mrs B, over there...

Hold her head, with a damp
flannel at the ready! Colin,

stoke the boiler,
it's freezing in here.

Thank god someone's in charge!

Now mother, we're gonna
time your contractions,

did they give you a song?

- Three blind mice.
- Good, well let's here it then.

- Three blind mice...
- ALL: Three blind mice...

Good!

ALL: See how they
run, see how they run,

ALL: they all run after
the farmer's wife...

Breathe... breathe... breathe...

ALL: They cut off their tails
with a carving knife...

ALL: The three blind mice.

NEWBORN BABY CRIES

She came at dawn.

I think I'll call her Dawn.

Julie, she's a little boy...

Ive always wanted
a boy... or a girl.

What you gonna call
him now he's a him?

Oh, that's easy, he's going to
be Gordon Colin.

Because Mr Brittas
helped to deliver him,

and Colin kept him warm.

That's the nicest thing
anyone has ever said to me

since the last nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

I'm honoured Julie, but the
credit has to go to Carole,

she asserted herself.

No, no.

Carole, a receptionist
beyond the call of duty

who took charge in
no uncertain manner.

I know I did, but I don't
know how Mr Brittas,

because it's all gone,
my assertiveness.

I think it was the baby coming,

you've wasted all your
money on that training,

I'm sorry Mr Brittas, I can't
keep it up, I'm just me.

We prefer you as you, Carole.

We'll dock the assertiveness
course fee from your wages.

That seems very
fair, Mr Brittas.

Fried bread, anyone?

No charge today.

Here's my L1 , and
here's my sister's 75p,

because on the bus her...

No, there's no charge today.

Do you mind if it's all in...

I said there's no charge today,
now go and enjoy yourself!

Oh, it's still there.

Right, can I have your
attention one and all?

I've just had word that the
bungee gantry is now in position

so we can move to the
main business of the day:

bungee jumping, courtesy
of our sponsors, Macho Max!

CHEERING

Right, now first to jump
will be Linda Perkins!

I'm ready, Mr Brittas!

Followed by my second in
command, Gavin Featherly!

Then it will be Tim Whistler,

and then, my lovely wife Helen,
has consented to join me

in a dramatic occasion, what is
known in bungee jumping circles

as a BJ double header!

Not now my darling...

If you would now like to move
to the bungee jumping area,

quick as you can, please.

- You're shivering...
- So are you!

GAVIN: Well I'm cold.

- I don't want to jump.
- Nor do I!

What, you mean you
don't wanna jump either?

I'm terrified!

You never told me that! I'm
terrified as well, but I thought

you'd think I was a wimp, as
you've got friends in the SAS.

I do, Scandinavian
Airways, it's their school.

- Then I don't have to jump!
- If you're not, I'm not!

Well, I'm not jumping either...

Hey! Argh...

Ladies and gentlemen,
may I say how glad I am

about the wonderful
turnout of... 23,

don't tie me on yet, I'm not
jumping till later, alright?

Argh!

CROWD: Behind you!

- What?
- CROWD: Behind you!

Heil Brittas?

No, no, no, no! I'm just a
normal human being like you are.

What, what,.....

Gordon!

SCREAMS

Colin, I thought I told
you to move this pile?

Thank heavens I
didn't, Mr Brittas.

I'm so sorry, Gordon.

It's alright my darling,
it's not your fault.

I think I've just swallowed
something hard and round.

My engagement ring, Mr Brittas.
You've found it! Oh, thank you!

Save your thanks, Colin.

You're gonna have to wait
a few more days yet...

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