Original subtitles

Subtitles ripped by Worst

It's so inconsiderate of Mr Brittas

to keep us away till Christmas Eve.

I don't want to go either.

But Ben was very happy when I took him to the kennels.

You put him in kennels?

He loves dogs. He's sharing with a nice cocker spaniel.

There you are Linda, I thought I'd dish my

Christmas cards out before the off.

Oh, thank you Colin.

I made them myself you know, here's one for you Carole.

Oh how kind!

''The robin taps upon the winda,

with seasons greetings for my friend Linda'' love C

- That's me Colin. - Thank you Colin.

''Merry Christmas to you Carole, we all agree you are a barrel'',

oh of laughs, hah, hah, love C and Rex, who's Rex?

No, no, that's Andrex, I made then from recycled paper.

Festive salutations to one and all.

Welcome to Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre,

how may I help you Mr Newmark?

It's the appointed hour dear lady, and I am here again to

give my Santa. I'll set up my grotto in here as usual.

Oh, leisure centre post mark!

Whenever I need a little prod,

you're always there with your great big ...

Who'd send this to Gordon...

it's from Carole, that cow.

Ah, Mr Newmark.

Gordon dear boy, hail fellow well met,

I come most carefully upon thy hour.

Ah, old friend, it hardly seems the twelve months

since last I donned the scarlet robe.

Been a good year then as it Mr Newmark?

Oh quiet Gordon, very quiet.

Did your agent send you here because I

haven't actually spoken to him this year?

Nor have I, no, I'm mistaken, we had a brief chat in July,

we were discussing my career as Father Christmas,

he told me that in Australia they have Christmas during the

summer, so I went over there in August, it's a complete lie.

They have Christmas in December the same as we do.

Yes of course, the reason I haven't spoken to your agent

Mr Newmark, is we are not actually booking you this year.

Oh, Oh, Oh, you jest?

Hah, hah, hah, no I don't jest. You see we are closing the

leisure centre today, and we are not opening it until after

Christmas, staff training in Wales.

But I always play Father Christmas.

Not this year, you are surplus to requirements.

You can't give Father Christmas the sack.

Don't tell me, because he's already got one, naaaaahh.

This is madness. I mean it's practically suicidal, a survival

course halfway up a freezing Welsh mountain.

Oh will you stop waving that thing around.

I'm trying to get a signal on it.

Hello boys, I've got a Christmas card for you.

Oh, I'm afraid we haven't got you one Colin.

Oh that's all right, neither has any one else at the centre.

Well I expect you got lots of others though, yes.

No, no, just the one, from the lads at Dynorod.

We always exchange cards.

But you can't do this to me, it's my life.

Oh come on, it's only four days dressing up

in a silly costume!

Fool, Philistine, don't you understand,

I am Father Christmas.

Not this year.

I have a calling, a vocation, I need to be Father Christmas.

I don't see why, you are not very good at it.

- What?! - You scare the children.

Now you have gone too far,

he that filches from me my good name,

robs me of that which not enriches him

and breaks me poor in...

I didn't say you were poor, I said you weren't very good.

Are you some sort of critic, it was the critics that destroyed

me at the Theatre Royal, Northampton, they mocked my

Micawber, they vilified my Vanya, they savaged my Bottom.

I can't take criticism any longer,

not even with the medication.

Warwick, it's not criticism, it's helpful advice,

give it up, your in the wrong job.

That's what they said in Northampton,

you're in league with them aren't you?

Look Wozza, I'm doing you a favour really, on your bike,

see you next Christmas, maybe.

Brat, fool, tch, grrr!

I'll be revenged on the whole pack of you, aagghh!

Mrs Brittas, what are you doing here?

I'm going to Wales, you got a problem with that.

You're coming with us, it's gonna be a nightmare out there.

I certainly hope so.

Time to hit the road.

COLIN: Right you are Mr Brittas.

-Let me help you in. -Thank you Mr Brittas

Hello darling, didn't expect to see you here this morning

I bet you didn't!

Are you seeing us off Mrs Brittas?

Don't push your luck Carole or I might see you off.

I'm coming with you I'm not letting you out of my sight.

What a devoted little wife I've got eh, naaaaahh.

COLIN: We're all going on a winter holiday...

TIM: Oh shut up Colin!

LINDA: Wasn't that Mr Newmark?

BRITTAS: Look, he's waving at us, Happy Christmas Mr Newmark.

BRITTAS: Ah, just smell that fresh air.

Huuurrgghh!

How many times is that Colin?

15 I'm afraid Mr... huuurrgghh!

16!

That was the worst journey I have ever had.

Oh I don't know, I quite enjoyed it.

Captain Kipper B Brown, I run the centre.

Gordon Brittas, I run the centre,

Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre, naaah.

Right, get your kit off...the roof...I'll show you your dorms.

Briefing room 1800 hours, introductory chat,

intensive team building through survival techniques,

believe me, you're gonna need them.

If I could just clarify that, briefing 1800 hours,

introductory chat, intensive team building through

survival techniques.

I just said that.

Yes, and I just clarified it for you.

KIPPER: Over the next two days you're going to achieve what I

call team maturity.

That's what I call it too.

You are going to be moulded into a highly motivated

fully functional team. How do we do that?

Forming, storming, norming and performing,

I've done the course, did an afternoon workshop in Swindon.

Really?!

KIPPER: When a group first meet, people don't know what

they are expected to do.

Forming.

Everyone has different ideas and opinions.

-Storming. -Would you keep quiet please.

In the third stage, roles are clarified.

This ones called norming.

Finally, solutions to problems emerge and we are able to start

Performing.

No, we don't call it that.

Oh, that's what they called it in Swindon.

My darling, I was definitely performing in Swindon.

Helen! I'm sorry about that, I'm afraid my wife's a woman,

she gets a bit over emotional.

I quite understand. Right, lets press on to session five,

coping with difficult team members.

Good, I'm glad, for some reason they didn't let me do

this one at Swindon.

As I was saying...

CRASHING AND SHOUTING

It's all right every one, it's just a lump of rock

with a note on it. It's part of the course.

You're going to die.

Oh very good, we did this at Swindon, it's called team

formation through fear. Tell him Captain Brown? There's nothing

to worry about Gavin. I had seventeen

death threats at Swindon.

Ah Mrs Brittas, there you are.

I'm going to kill him.

Mrs Brittas, if I'm not mistaken something

appears to have irritated you, now what might that be?

Carole, I'm going to kill her.

Oh my, you did get out of bed on the wrong side this morning.

She's having an affair with Gordon.

- Surely not! - That's why I am here,

to make sure they don't get up to anything.

No I can't believe it.

She sent him a love letter, it was pure filth, she had the

nerve to send it to our house. It came this morning.

Oh Mrs Brittas, I'm devastated.

Not half as devastated as that cow is going to be.

This is a trust exercise, it's all about cooperation.

Get partnered up.

Tim, I suppose I can trust you.

Carole, you can do it with me.

Mrs Brittas, I would be honoured if you would do me the

honour of trusting me in this exercise.

Later we will talk about why you chose the person you chose.

Why don't we talk about it now.

No one chose me.

-You can team up with me. -Oh thank you.

Right, one of you will wear the blindfold and be unable to see,

the other will wear the ear protectors and be unable to

hear. It's about cooperation and getting back through the trees

to the land rover. Get kitted up.

Which shall I wear?

You better wear both of them, I've got to stay alert,

there's someone out there you know.

Is this team building through fear again?

No, this is fear.

Okay everyone, lets go.

Right, follow me Carole.

So shall I lead the way Mr Brittas?

No Carole, I'll lead the way, this is a trust exercise,

you've got to trust me.

Come on Colin, we are going to follow them.

He's dragging her off into the woods.

I'm not letting them out of my sight!

Right you are Mrs Brittas.

Are we going to start?

I didn't sleep a wink last night after all that rock business,

it was dangerous you know.

Well I think it's stupid to make us frightened,

and it was dangerous, you are right.

I said it was dangerous.

I was just agreeing with you!

Talk to yourself, oh for God's sake!

Have we started yet?

You see Carole, when you are deprived of one of your senses,

the others are automatically enhanced.

My hearing is now super sensitive.

-Yes Mr Brittas, but you... -Sshh, sshh

No extraneous noise Carole,

I'm listening for the metallic clicking sounds

made by the cooling engine of a Land Rover.

- There it is. - SCREAM

Oh Mrs Brittas, how can I help you?

You are going to die.

Is that you my angel.

I'm sorry Mrs Brittas, I didn't hear what you just said.

Oh this is ridiculous, oh dear me.

Is that you Mrs Brittas?

SCREAM

Don't distress yourself Mrs Brittas,

all marriages have their ups and downs.

Well done, over here!

Do you know what that was Carole,

the sound of a passing squirrel!

Well what a successful day, not only did Carole and I win the

race, but I was first across the rope bridge!

It is not a competitive exercise,

it's a team building exercise.

Exactly, I'm just saying I am the best at team building.

It was absolutely terrifying, the rope bridge collapsed, just

as I was about to get on it. I could have had an accident.

It wouldn't have been an accident,

it's the same as the boulder.

What boulder?

The one that almost killed us Mr Brittas. It missed me by inches.

Shame.

Mrs Brittas you didn't really try to...

No, no you wouldn't.

BRITTAS: I didn't see a boulder.

You said it was a squirrel Mr Brittas.

What, a squirrel that nearly killed us?

Colin tried to kill me.

No, no, I thought you were Mrs Brittas.

So you tried to kill me?

No, I didn't try to kill anyone. Nor should you!

It's me they are trying to kill.

You what?

The Iraqi's,

maybe even our side.

I've been expecting it, I know too much.

Military secrets, over ten years in the SAS.

There's someone out there trying to kill you?

There's always someone out there trying to kill you.

Are you listening Carole!

You people are safe, I'm the target but I can handle it.

I know 97 different ways of killing people.

Can you teach me some of them?

He's very good isn't he, he's really got you going,

I could almost smell the fear.

That could be me Mr Brittas, haven't changed my socks.

97 different ways of killing people, naaah!

I've just thought of number 98.

The name of the game is?

Survival!

Living off the land, working as a team. Phone!

-It doesn't work. -Just give it to me.

In there's everything you need, map, compass,

survival blankets, two tents.

For the next twenty four hours you are on your own.

Come on, kitted up.

I'm not going, I'm not going, there's a maniac out there.

Tim, we are better off out there Captain Brown's the target,

if he's not with us we'll be safe.

I will meet you at the rendezvous point, Felin Bog...

-Right. -Marked on the map.

I suggest you camp there, everything else... improvise.

Remember your training and you'll survive.

I wouldn't count on it Carole.

Mrs Brittas?

On Snowden, no one can hear you scream.

Mrs Brittas please!

Carole, I'm disappointed in you.

Sorry Colin?

Can't you keep your hormones under control.

Mr Brittas, it's out.

What is Colin?

You and you know who... I know you know!

What?

We all have juices Mr Brittas, even I have juices,

but I have learned to control them, well, most of them.

I'm not following this Colin.

You're a very handsome man Mr Brittas.

Are you feeling alright?

Like a young Errol Flynn, who wouldn't fall in love with you?

Power is a great aphrodisiac, but I beg you to stop it,

give it up, stop it before it's too late.

You're walking a dangerous path.

She's on the edge!

Which way now?

Due west please. Straight up that hill.

Come on.

I think we're lost.

Good, then Captain Brown wont be able to find us.

If there is a madman out there trying to kill him, if he's not

with us, then we are safe.

- Aagghh! - Timmy!

Come on, let's keep moving, stop hanging around at the back.

-Oh, that's cold. -It's supposed to be.

Do we have to stay here for 24 hours Mr Brittas?

I'm getting frightened!

It's alright Carole, you are perfectly safe with me.

That trap was set deliberately, he could've killed me you know.

Probably by a hunter Tim,

these mountains are teeming with wildlife.

This is a hunter's paradise.

Wild boar, red deer, mountain hare.

Can I tempt anyone for a spot of water rat?

That's disgusting.

I've had my fill of rats.

Mr Brittas, we ought to go back, it's not safe out here.

Naaah, bit of a problem Gavin. You see, we are here at

Trabignog Point, and there's no stream marked on this map.

But we are sitting right next to a stream.

Precisely Gavin, the map is wrong.

Mr Brittas may I have a look?

Oh Carole, what would be the point in that?

Well I've got geography A-level Mr Brittas, I got a B, and I got

a distinction for my project on the River Darling.

Don't call him darling you bitch!

I thought we were supposed to be working as a team.

Shut your face!

Surely if Carole really does know...

Gavin, you keep out of this, you don't know what's going on.

and will everyone try and remember,

this is the season of good will!

You tried to kill me yesterday.

Excellent!

Everyone is making a contribution,

we've done the forming, now we're storming, soon we will be

norming and performing.

Right, by my calculations, we are here, and

the rendezvous point is there, which means, yes, a hundred and

forty two miles to do before tea. Best get started.

Come on, lets see those happy smiling faces please.

Well, at least it's not raining.

THUNDER

COLIN: Do you know...

earlier on Mr Brittas, I actually thought we were lost!

Did you Colin?

Especially when we found that dead sheep for the third time.

When they all sat down and refused to follow you a step

further, they were all united weren't they.

They were working as a team.

Which is just what you intended.

Yes.

Marvellous, how you made them use their initiative

and ignore you completely, was a master stroke.

Well of course I knew...

Everyone pulled together, and here we are

at the rendezvous point earlier that expected.

Just keep digging Colin.

Right you are, just set up the latrine first eh!

Which is where my travel trowel comes in handy.

I always carry it about my person.

Oh, I seem to have hit a natural fissure in the rock Mr Brittas.

One banana, two banana, three banana, four banana...

PLOP

four banana's to the plop Mr Brittas.

That's about a hundred and thirty feet deep.

That should see us through the night.

BRITTAS: Can we really eat this Colin?

COLIN: Absolutely Mr Brittas.

This looks like some kind of root.

Yes it is Gavin, I think it's a member of the swede family.

I found it when I was digging out the latrine.

Are you sure these aren't poisonous Mrs Brittas?

Just get them down you Carole.

How can you eat when there is a psychopath after us?

No there isn't Tim.

I can't take much more of this, it's just terrible.

It's the most ghastly Christmas I've ever had.

Really Tim, I'm quite enjoying it, but then again,

I always enjoy Christmas.

I remember some of the Christmas'

I had as a boy, marvellous,

We had good food all the year round,

but at Christmas, we were all allowed seconds.

And then, on Christmas Eve when Father Christmas came, he left

all of us a special present, it was a Satsuma.

I always hoped it would be a bike,

I'd always wanted a bike, but I was really grateful for a

Satsuma, Satsuma's were hard to come by in those days.

And then one year, one Christmas Day, the house mother came to

me, and she said, Colin, come outside, and I

went outside, into the snow, and guess what was there?

-A bike. -No, a satsuma.

But there were tyre marks in it.

What's that noise?

Oh, that'll be Captain Kipper B,

he's a bit early for the rendezvous.

No it isn't. That's not him!

We are all going to die!

Hello, Dial a Pizza, a pizza for a Mrs Brittas of Felin Bog.

That's me.

That'll be L5.50 then please.

We don't get a lot of call for pizza's up here at Felin Bog.

Mind you, not a lot of people come up here,

- the bogs quite dangerous. - Where is it exactly?

- Over there's Felin Bog. - Welsh name is it?

No, it's English.

It's a bog see, and lots of people fell in.

Cheerio then, enjoy your meal!

God I'm starving.

What's this?

What's it look like, it's a pizza isn't it?

I phoned up earlier.

That's my mobile phone, where did you get that from?

Nicked it out of the Land Rover, it's flipping useless!

It only worked for about ten minutes earlier on.

You could have phoned for help.

I don't need any help for what I've got planned.

Helen, I forbid you to eat that,

this is a survival exercise, and that is cheating.

Oh and you know all about cheating, don't you Gordon.

Helen, as your husband and team leader I insist that you spit

out that Quattro Staggione.

BRITTAS: You heard what I said.

What was that?

An olive stone, come on, you can do better than that Helen,

I want anchovies and pepperoni.

Oh, the noise.

It sounded like a scream.

It was more like a waaah, waaah, probably an owl,

I'll go and have a look.

Oh no!

Oh dear!

Captain Kipper B Brown.

Mr Brittas, can I have a word!

-They've got him. -Who?

Captain Brown, whoever was out to get him, they've got him

they've dumped his body in my latrine.

Can I have your attention please every one.

I'm afraid we've got a bit of a problem.

SCREAMS.

ALL: Silent night, holy night, all is calm all is bright,

Actually it is fairly bright, I'll be able to lead you all

back to Llanwyled House soon.

We lost the map in the fire Mr Brittas.

- LINDA: And the tents! - Yes, alright.

Mr Brittas, why can't we wait for Captain Kipper,

he should be here now, why is he late.

Well I've been thinking all through the night, he's the one

who's been attacking us. He was the one who set the trap for me.

He was the one who burnt down the tents to see if we could

survive, he's not late, he's out there.

He's both actually Tim

He's out there and he's late, he's very late.

He is the late Captain Brown.

Foully murdered and shoved down the lavi.

He was dead before the camp burned down.

- I'm too young to die. - No you're not,

you're well past your sell by date.

Helen, please.

Oh I see, you take your fancy woman instead of me do you,

well that's it I've had enough!

Helen, you're not still cross about that pizza?

Helen Brittas, I have a shrewd suspicion that

something is wrong, what exactly is it?

It's one thing having an affair, but flaunting it in front of me

and the whole staff, it's something else.

Err, run that one by me again please.

Carole, your bit on the side, I know all about it.

I opened a letter she sent you. It was disgusting.

No, still not quite au fait with this one.

This is what she wrote...

When ever I need a little prod, your always there with your

great big rod. Once a month with a little luck...

You'll come along with your pumping truck.

That's amazing Mrs Brittas, that's exactly what I wrote on

my Christmas card to the boys at Dynorod.

In fact, that is my card. Look, I signed

it there, C for Colin.

C for Colin.

On the front is a drawing of a plunger in a holly wreath.

Is that what it is?

Where did you get it Mrs Brittas?

I got it in the post, I thought it was from...

COLIN: I must have put them in the wrong envelopes.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go and find the...

the other one's occupied as it were!

So you haven't been unfaithful,

you're not having an affair with Carole?

With Carole! Of course not, what would I want to have an

affair with Carole, I love you my angel,

I wouldn't have an affair any more than you would.

Oh Gordon.

SCREAM

That sounded like Mr Brittas!

-Maybe they've got him. -Oh I hope so!

Oh no they haven't.

Mr Brittas...

-Oh Carole... -Keep back Mrs Brittas!

I'm really sorry Carole,

there's been a bit of a misunderstanding,

I wont try to murder you any more.

Oh thank you Mrs Brittas.

Merry Christmas.

I wish it was.

We should be at Whitbury now, it's Christmas Eve.

PHONE RINGING

Hello?

Hello, it's Dial a Pizza here, I'm afraid I forgot the

garlic bread, shall I bring it up now?

No, but you can bring the police, bring mountain rescue.

It's all right, everything's going to be fine.

Oh thank you Father Christmas, it's what I've always wanted.

They'll be here within the hour.

We are going to be safe, we are not going to die.

Of course we are not going to die.

MR NEWMARK: Oh yes you are!

Alas, the whirly gig of time brings in his revenge

and now, you finally get yours Brittas.

This time you won't escape.

Aagghh!

Oh, poor Mr Newmark.

He always was over the top.

Yes, now he's down at the bottom.

COLIN: Mr Brittas, Mr Brittas..

Father Christmas has brought me a bike,

nothing can spoil my Christmas now.

Bad news I'm afraid Colin.

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