Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

(upbeat music)

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- Is that an apple in your pocket

or are you just happy to see me?

You're tardy, Everett.

You have to be taught a lesson.

- I'm hungry, Everett.

All I have is this banana.

Join me in the cafeteria.

Meet me there.

- It's your report card, Everett.

(laughing)

- Oh no.

Oh no.

- Everett?

Everett?

Get your rump out of bed.

You don't want to be late for school on the last day.

(bell ringing)

- [Voiceover] Attention students.

This is Principle Muckel saying go on,

bon voyage,

salom, sayonara,

but first, remember,

I'll see you all at graduation ceremonies

one week from tonight at 8 o'clock sharp.

- Nancy, have a wonderful summer vacation,

but you watch out for those boys.

- Thank you Ms. Bagley.

Hi Everett. - How are you doing?

- Good.

- MacDill,

your timing is perfect.

School's over.

- F minus? - You are the worst student

I've had in all my days of teaching.

- Aw, come on.

All those years and I'm the worst?

- You are a coarse

indolent lecture deviant

insubordinate rebel rouser.

- Well, what do you know?

I guess I am the worst. - Oh laugh loud,

laugh, oh.

You'll be laughing you're way back here next year.

- Wait a minute,

are you saying I'm not gonna graduate?

- Well that's the first thing you've gotten right

all semester.

You are a complete disgrace.

You have given Nickson High School a bad name.

I wish I could say there were some hope for you,

but it's simply too late.

I'm afraid there's nothing left

but to inform your mother.

- I don't have a mother, Ms. Bagley.

- Oh, Everett I'm sorry,

I didn't know.

- You see, I was right there until the bitter end.

It was horrible, but she was brave.

And I can remember the last thing she said to me.

She leaned forward,

and whispered in my ear in a raspy voice,

"Remember me, on your graduation day.

"And son,

"make me proud."

And then she quietly passed on

to a much better existence.

- Well I had no idea. - Neither did I.

I mean,

surely someone kind hearted like yourself

could understand.

- I do understand, Everett.

You see, I recently suffered a loss too.

My pigeon,

Homer.

(sobbing)

- Oh, my mother loved pigeons.

Can't you give me one tiny break?

- Alright Everett, I'll give you another

chance. - Great.

- Don't thank me yet.

You still have to write a term paper,

a special assignment.

- Hey, no sweat. - I want no less than 40 pages

let's see the topic we'll make it,

the decline of moral values

in 20th century western society,

now you might learn something from that.

- Moral values in 20 societies.

Right. - I want it on my desk

Monday morning at 9 AM. - Be there.

- You can't graduate without it.

- Monday at 9. - And Everett,

you make your mother proud of you.

- Yeah.

- So my parents are going to see that play

Chorus Lines in the city tonight.

So you know what that means.

- Trace, look, why don't we get together

tomorrow night, I'll take you to

Manny's House of Ribs,

and my friend's working, get us into the movies for free.

- Really? - Uh huh.

- Well maybe he can get us

some free popcorn too.

You are such a cheap bastard.

What are you gonna do tonight?

You gonna go pick up some girls

with smart ass MacDill

and lard ass Kevin at Kmart?

- Look, every Friday night I've hung out

with Kevin and Everett,

and every Saturday night I've hung out with you.

We've been doing that for the past year.

- Yeah, that's right, we've been doing that

for the past year.

But things are going to be a little different

from now on.

It's about time you accept some responsibility,

I mean what's gonna happen when you

start working for your old man?

Now I think it's about time we got

our shit together.

Don't you?

Because hopefully we're gonna be seeing

each other every night.

And Senior Week can be a start.

So call me at 7 sharp.

And bring all my stuff with you.

- How you doing? - Hi.

- Watch it, goof.

Hey Jimmy, how's it going? - It's Jody.

- Yeah, Joey.

Say what are you doing anyway?

Haven't you heard?

School's over. - I know,

I was just returning these books.

(shuffling, birds chirping)

- Hey you didn't actually read all these books did you?

- Yes as a matter of fact I did.

- Say aren't you the kid going to Princeton?

- Yeah.

- I bet you got an A on Baglady's term paper.

- No, A+.

- A+.

Say Joey,

can I give you a lift?

- [Jody] A lift?

(whimsical music)

(grunting, muffled mumbling)

- This is Joey.

He's gonna help me write my term paper.

Now, I know this is a little unusual.

- A little unusual?

It's pretty freaking strange if you ask me.

- I'm gonna free up your mouth,

but one false move, and you're dead meat.

- [Kevin] Everett are you out of your mind?

- I must warn you that

according to Federal and State laws,

the penalties for kidnapping range from

12 years to life.

And accessories to such crimes also face

similar convictions.

In a recent case in Maryland,

the United States of America versus Burnboun,

deliberation of,

(mumbling)

- Isn't this turkey great?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, if the cops come by,

they can stop by for dinner. - Right.

Everett man, long as I've known you,

you've never pulled off anything like this before.

Senior Week.

(upbeat music)

Big deal.

Everett, what are you looking at?

Everett?

Everett?

Oh Everett?

Earth to Everett, come in please.

Everett man, where are we going?

- South.

- South.

Alright listen,

there's a McDonald's about three quarters

of the way up on the left, alright?

- You're still hungry?

- Excuse me Everett,

this has all been real fun,

could you please take me home now?

- What's the matter, man?

Don't you wanna go to Florida?

- Florida?

I've gotta go home. - Hey,

did somebody say Florida?

Now wait a minute,

that's way past McDonald's, man.

- I don't believe it.

- I think he's serious, man, he's serious.

(beeping)

- Say Everett, can you pull over?

I gotta make a call.

- What do you think this is,

a limousine service?

We're on the interstate here,

do you see any payphones?

- Everett,

I can't go to Florida.

- Don't worry buddy,

we're gonna take good care of you

on this little trip.

You see this?

We're gonna find you 10 of these girls.

I need your help, pal.

So I can graduate. - Well what do you

want me to do?

- Just write this little term paper

that Baglady stuck me with.

You see, if I don't turn it in,

I don't get my diploma.

Poor mother would be heartbroken.

She doesn't have much time left.

She's only hanging in there so she can see me graduate.

- Everett, exactly what is her problem?

- She's in a coma.

Just when she was taking a turkey out of the oven,

she passed on.

She's having an operation right now.

- Are you kidding? - You're the only one

who can save my ass.

- Holy moly.

- Is it a deal?

- Well,

hey, wait, wait a minute,

if your mother's in a hospital,

how come you're not there with her?

- What?

And miss Senior Week?

- [Kevin] Yeah.

(car engine humming, soft music)

- [Voiceover] You're listening to Z69,

serving Northern Florida

in beautiful downtown Bernadina Beach,

if you've just arrived in our sunny state,

we'd like to say good morning.

Good morning to you Chris Glen.

Breakfast this morning, drop by Biff's,

and have breakfast in four

or five different countries.

Cripsin, flaky, French cuisine.

Along with a mouth watering Hungarian sausage,

and Mexican eggs, your choice.

This international food emporium

and video cassette,

- Where are we?

- I don't know man.

I'm starving, let's go.

- Perhaps we should drive a little bit farther

to a Howard Johnson's. - Come on.

(men shouting, commotion)

- Don't you think it looks a little rough in there?

- Joey, listen, just be yourself.

Hi, we're from New Jersey.

(gunshots)

(screaming)

- Let's get out of here. - Go Everett, go!

- Hey, hey, you New Jerseyans!

(shouting, indistinct chatter, car engine rumbling)

(cans clanking)

- [Everett] We are lucky to get out of there alive.

(laughing)

- [Kevin] Man, this is the life.

This is Florida.

With the tititas.

The ones you can grab.

(laughs)

The women.

This is the life.

- Dad, it's Jody.

No, Jody, your son, remember? - Hello, Mrs. Harrowick.

Is Tracy home?

The shower? - [Joey] I'm in Florida.

Florida.

Well, you see,

it's a field trip to my Biology club.

Species here I've never even

seen before. - Okay, I'll tell you what,

I'll give you a call.

No, no, no, she,

she can call me on, - [Joey] Dad, tell mom not

to worry. - I gotta go.

- [Joey] Okay? - I can't hear you,

- I'll be back, - bad connection,

gotta go, - I will, I will, okay.

Bye bye.

- So uh, Jeremy, you having a good time?

- Yeah. - That's good.

(shuffling)

(car engine rumbling, doors shutting)

(shouting, tires screeching)

(rock music)

- Holy shit.

Look at that, will you?

You're beautiful.

- [Kevin] What?

They're all blonde.

- I wonder if they're natural.

- [Kevin] Look.

(tires screeching)

(crashing sound)

(clanking)

Good one Mario.

- What did you do my Motel?

What do you do?

You drive right into wall, you crazy?

- Listen,

we came a long way. - Oh, you need room?

No problem, I give you good deal.

- Good, because we're on a tight budget.

- One room 40 dollar, everybody,

sound okay? - Well,

- I tell you what.

Make it 10.

(door shuttering, whistling)

(dial tone, beeping)

- Yeah, operator,

can I have area code 201 please?

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

Hello pookie. - Jamie, where the hell

are you, what happened to you?

Oh Everett, me and Kevin,

we drove to Wildwood and we slept in the car.

And then we got a flat tire,

can you believe that?

- He's at the beach.

- Oh, Tracy,

Tracy, Tracy.

I will be home soon, I swear.

- No, forget it,

don't even bother, just stay there.

This is Senior Week, remember?

Have a good time, have a great time.

I'm sure there will be plenty of action.

(yelling, glass shattering)

(phone ringing)

- He's not worth getting upset over, Tracy.

- I never wanna see him again,

as long as I live.

(phone ringing)

- I'll get it.

Hello, Jamie, this is Stacy.

You know I,

operator?

$2.65 for a call from Wildwood?

What?

Florida?

Can I have that number please, operator?

(keys clicking)

- Will this thing really type a term

paper? - Well sure, it's easy.

Watch.

Word processor.

300 pages in memory concerning modern culture.

This is fun.

You see Bagley's topic is really quite relevant.

- Whoa. - [Joey] Just consider the

disappearance of Victorian ethics in modern society.

- [Everett] You look great. - This place is a dump.

- I think it's over. - What happened?

- Stay tuned for the next episode

of I married a monster from outer space,

when Jamie tries to convince Tracy

that Florida really is a suburb of New Jersey.

- Come on you guys, we're going to the beach.

- Well wait a minute, are you gonna bring

some girls back? - Just you wait man,

you'll be the most popular guy in Florida.

Just keep writing.

(upbeat music)

- [Kevin] Ah, the wonders of nature all around us.

- [Jamie] Hey Kev, look, there's your girlfriend.

- [Kevin] Bite this.

- How's it going? - Hey.

- Hey check this out. - Look at that,

oh my gosh.

My heart, I can't look, I can't take it anymore.

(laughing)

- How's it going? - Hey, where you from?

- Up north. - Say, tell me,

where do we find the babes, huh?

- Look around, there's plenty of babes

around here.

There's plenty action, just play it cool kid,

play it cool. - Okay, alright, alright.

- Well,

I think we should go that way.

- I think we should go that way.

- No I like this way.

(laughing)

- How's this guys?

- Hey, hold the fort, guys.

I'll be right back.

- Where's he going? - I don't know.

I hope he's going to get some food.

(whistles)

- Hello ma,

what's cooking?

- Where the hell are you?

Florida?

Why you little monkey. - Yeah, you know,

soak up some sun and surf.

Sure I'll be back by Friday.

That's graduation.

Of course I'll be going to graduation.

- Okay.

You be sure and bring me back a souvenir

you hear?

Bye.

- Where'd he go?

(whistling)

- [Jamie] Gee, I wonder if they deliver.

- Hello?

- Hello, this is Madeline Bagley from Nixon High School.

I'm calling to send my condolences

regarding Everett's mother.

- What do you wanna know about Everett's mother?

- Everett said his mother was dead.

- No, she isn't deceased.

She's alive and kicking, honey.

- Can I speak to Everett for just a moment please?

- Oh he's in Florida.

For what do you call it?

Seniors Week?

Oh he'll be back for graduation.

(dramatic music)

- And that's a royal flush.

- What, again?

- Oh man.

(shuffling)

- You sure you're not a professional?

- I get around.

- So,

where are you girls from?

- We're from Ohio.

- We went to Ball University.

- And what did you girls study at Ball U?

- I studied to be a dental technician.

- I'm a nurse. - Oh yeah?

- You wanna play doctor?

- No I think one game of strip poker is enough.

- Oh, thanks.

- We're going to Penrots tonight,

maybe we'll see you there.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Look out Florida,

here we come.

Smile, Trace.

- I can't wait to see the look on his face.

- Thank you.

- Excuse me,

may I have a ticket to Florida, please?

(upbeat music)

- I can't believe we actually did this.

- Sometimes you just do what you gotta do.

- Goddamn son of a bitch.

- [Voiceover] Wrong way, please exit.

Wrong way, please exit.

- Stop it.

- Look, I don't think she's showing up.

- Look, she said she'll be here,

she'll be here.

- Well what does she look like?

- I told you I haven't seen her in 10 years.

- Well are you sure she said it's alright

for us to stay with her?

- Listen, this is a matter of life and death.

- I could swear that was Ms. Bagley.

(car horn honking, tires screeching)

That's her?

(screaming)

- Hi! - Hi.

- Hi. - Stacy, this is my cousin,

Debbie Sue. - Hi, nice to meet you.

(tires screeching)

- We're here!

(car honking)

(indistinct chatter)

Whoa, what do you have in there, bricks?

Come on!

Mom you're here.

- Hi Tracy. - Hi.

How are you?

- And you must be Stacy.

I've heard so much about you.

It's a pleasure.

Come on girls.

(animal growling)

- Is this a live alligator?

- Of course he's alive,

that's Chuckles.

Come on girls. - Oh my God.

- We're going to have a scrumptious dinner tonight,

my mom made her famous Iranian chicken.

(upbeat music)

- Come on guys.

- One here.

(commotion)

- Yeah, alright!

(yelling)

- Yeah!

- Hey.

- Yeah.

- Yeah. - [Kevin] Yeah!

Alright Everett!

- [Jamie] Come on, Everett.

Come on.

(cheering, shouting, bell ringing)

- Yeah!

(indistinct chatter)

- Let's go this way.

(dramatic music)

- Amen.

- [All] Amen.

- Miss Tracy, you first.

(giggling)

- Thanks.

- You girls want a beer?

There's nothing like a good cold beer.

- We haven't been up North

since I've been married to Ernest.

- So we almost forget what winter's like.

I feel so sorry for you.

- The sludge, the sleet.

- It makes us start to shiver.

- Must be nice living with the alligators.

(upbeat music)

- Hold on. - Shit, could you

please slow down?

(tires screeching)

- How you doing? - Is this a party or what?

- It is now.

- Would you like to dance? - Sure.

(commotion)

(clapping, cheering)

- You guys do not want to go in there,

people are obnoxious.

Look, why don't we go candlepin bowling?

We always go candlepin bowling on Saturday nights.

- Stacy, I don't want to be here.

I want to go find Jamie.

- No way Trace, listen.

I am 50% of this trip,

and we are going in here. - Fine.

(upbeat music, clapping)

(commotion)

(sneezing)

- God will you look at that pervert.

- Oh my god, that guy looks just like Kevin.

- That is Kevin. - Trace.

(growling)

- Look out. - Look out yourself.

- Will you let me get by? - Take it easy babe.

- I'm not your baby. - Relax.

You're pretty hot.

Hey you from around here? - No.

- No, we're just visiting from up North.

So shall we get some air? - Listen, relax,

relax.

Hey what's your name? - Tracy.

- Tracy, now that's a beautiful name.

Tracy how about if I give you a call sometime.

- No, I don't think so,

see we're only here for a couple of days,

- Great, great, great.

Well listen, I'd like to get together sometime.

I'd love for you to give me a call.

I'd love to show you around.

Your friends, too.

(commotion, upbeat music)

- That was some catch, buddy.

Who is she? - Some chick from up north.

- So what's the deal? - We'll see.

We'll see.

- Well, I'm sorry you didn't like my eggs Floridian, but,

how would you like some pickles

or peanut butter or,

fruits?

(snoring)

(triumphant music)

- Welcome to the Miss Florida contest.

We're featuring the most beautiful girls

from this lovely state of ours.

I'm your host Mark Bartz,

and our judge today,

Everett McDill.

And now on to our first contestant from Miami Beach,

Everett, take a look at this.

- Hi my name is Bonnie,

and I'm 5'2".

I like to swim and water skate,

and read Harold Robin's novels on the beach.

- Thank you, thank you my dear,

thank you very much.

And now on to our second contestant

from Tampa, Everett, check this out.

- Hi, I'm Pamela,

and I'm from Tampa.

I like a warm fire on the beach at night,

sound of pounding surf,

very sensuous.

Maybe we could put a blanket down

and start a fire of our own.

- Next please,

okay baby thank you, thank you sweetie.

Thanks.

And now Everett, contestant number three,

she hails from Daytona Beach,

here she is.

- My name's Roxanne.

I'm a lifeguard.

Maybe you could help me practice my

lifesaving techniques.

I give great mouth to mouth resuscitation.

Want me to demonstrate?

- Thanks baby, thank you sweetheart,

thank you very much.

And now Everett, here's a face I know you're gonna

recognize, she's from New Jersey.

She's into English, she's into Kurney Vant,

she's into birdwatching, she stands 5'4",

and her nickname is the Baglady.

- Working hard, Everett?

Getting a lot done, Everett?

Everett, Everett, Everett,

work hard,

working hard?

- I guess I better go feed Chuckles.

- Come on Tracy, cheer up.

- I can't believe this is happening.

(alligator growling)

- See you later.

- Who needs her, too?

(upbeat music)

- Wow, Princeton at last.

(knocking)

- Come in.

- You're a college man now.

It's about time, don't you think?

- Could I,

get you girls some,

charatures or something?

- We want you, big man.

(calm music)

- Wine, your highness? - Only the largest of your

mugs, oh Digitera.

(chuckling)

- Fruit, oh great big one?

- Only the ripest from your vine,

oh Flatesia.

- May I make you more comfortable, my lord?

- My, but your pillows are fair, my dear.

(chuckling)

- Is there anything else you desire,

king of kings?

- How about some raw, unadultery,

totally raunchy fornication?

- Your wish is my command, sire.

- Oh boy,

finally a pickup line that works.

- [All] Anything you want, your highness.

Anything you want.

Anything you want, your highness.

Anything you want.

Anything you want, your highness.

- Baby.

Anything you want.

- Did you girls want a cup of coffee?

There's nothing like a good cup of coffee.

(sighing)

(snoring)

(upbeat music)

(whipping sounds)

- What are you doing?

This wasn't part of the plan.

What are you?

Get back here!

Get back here!

(shouting)

Did you see how much fun he was having

with that girl last night?

- Trace, I think this is a sign.

I mean, I think it means it's time to move on

and find a new boyfriend.

Hey, let's do something, okay?

We'll get dressed, we'll go out,

and we'll check out the sights, okay?

That's what we're here for.

- Okay.

(beach music)

(shouting, indistinct chatter, cans clanking)

- Lifeguard, lifeguard excuse me.

I'm looking for three young men.

- Well what do these studs look like?

- Well they're from out of town,

they're from up north. - Oh those guys,

they said they were looking for action.

- Have you seen them lately? - Not today, babe.

- Will you be on the lookout, will you?

- Sure thing sweetheart.

Say, is one of those guys your boyfriend?

- Absolutely not. - Good,

because you're kind of cute. - What?

- What do you say we meet up later?

- Can I help you? - Yeah, do you

have hoagies here?

- Hey Arty, we got any hoagies?

- [Man] Who wants to know?

- A couple of guys out here want hoagies.

- [Man] What kind? - What kind?

- I don't know, what kind you got?

- He says what kind you got?

- [Man] Tell them to read the fucking sign.

- Oh.

I'd like a

a pizza hoagie with extra cheese,

hot peppers, kielbasa,

gurkins, sauerkraut,

sardines?

- Yeah. - Yeah, sardines.

- Pizza hoagie, extra cheese, hot peppers,

- Uh, no hot peppers. - 86 the peppers,

gurkins, kielbasa, sauerkraut,

and sardines.

- And extra oil.

- Grease it.

Anything else? - No.

Oh, provolone instead of mozzarella.

- Provolone, 86 the mozzarella.

- And leave out the kielbasa and get us

some pepperoni instead.

- Pepperoni, 86 the kielbasa.

- No extra oil. - Squeeze it.

- Oh never mind it. - Leave the oil.

- Are these domestic sardines or imported?

- I don't know bud,

I didn't check their passports.

Anything else?

Hurry up, I got people waiting.

- You'll have to excuse me ma'am,

I'm a little nervous about my graduation.

- Anything else? - Do you think that there's

life after death?

- What?

- That'll be $8.50.

- You got your dough? - No, man, this was on you.

- It is? - Read my lips,

$8.50 I said.

- I'll tell you what.

I'll take this home and eat it,

and then I'll go get my wallet, okay?

- You can't pay for that?

- Well,

- It's guys like you that caused me to have

a heart condition, you scumbag!

- Take that!

(yelling)

- I think we should ask before we took the car,

don't you Trace?

How are you gonna find him?

- Got the street address on the payphone.

- You're crazy.

(growling, grunting)

- Hey, check this one out. - Who?

- [Everett] Looks like the girl from the magazine.

- Oh my god, Everett.

It is the girl from the magazine!

She's fantastic.

- Hey, hey,

want a bite of my hoagie?

How about some salami?

Maybe a beer later tonight?

(shouting)

- [Kevin] Oh man. - [Everett] She's incredible.

- This is it, Trace.

(car door slamming)

- This is the one all right.

- I'd rather have

2 girls at 16.

Than one at 32.

Oh shit.

- So,

having a good time in Wildwood?

What happened, did you take the wrong turn?

- Trace, I,

- Yeah, yeah, come on, let's hear it.

- I was with Everett,

we were drinking some beers,

and we ended up here. - I don't wanna hear

your bullshit. - Tracy, I had nothing

to do with it, Everett just kept on driving.

- Right.

And I suppose that Everett forced you

to dance with that girl last night.

See, I was there.

I saw it all. - How can you say that?

We were just dancing.

Look, why don't we just have a good time?

Now that you're here,

pookie.

Can we just have a good time?

I mean, it's Senior Week.

I'm sorry.

- That's not a bad idea, Trace.

- Hi there, care to go jogging?

- You scum sucking pig.

I hate you!

- Hi, I wouldn't mind going for a run.

(upbeat music)

- My life has definitely reached rock bottom.

Hey look at me.

I haven't even graduated from high school.

And I already feel ancient.

Why can't I just meet a normal guy?

You know, that's all I want.

Is that a lot to ask? - Tracy,

just remember that Jamie is not the last

guy on Earth, you know that?

- Hi, is Lance there?

He's in the jacuzzi?

This is Tracy.

Tracy Hartwick.

- Good boy. - Does he catch frogs?

- Well, he tried, - Hi,

- Yeah, - and that's the important

thing. - How are you doing?

I'm fine thanks, you know,

I'm really sorry about that, - Mom is making

lasagna. - wasn't quite my day

yesterday.

- We are going out tonight.

- Yeah me too.

(dog barking)

- What?

- Sure, - Chuckles, no!

- Is everything okay?

(alligator growling)

- No, bad, bad!

(screaming)

(rap music)

- What'll it be, sweetheart?

- I'd like something cold to drink, if you please.

- You got a preference? - Just something cold,

thank you.

(exhaling)

- I'm looking for somebody,

I was wondering if you might be able to help me.

- What does he look like? - He's rude,

he's obnoxious,

and he's not going to graduate.

(laughing)

- That guy?

You're related to him?

- Why, have you seen him?

- Seen him?

You wanna know what he did to me?

Come here, I'll show you.

(screaming)

(typing sounds)

- [Kevin] I can't believe it's the same girl.

- [Everett] Honey I love you, too much.

Too much.

- Damnit.

Where were you guys?

I can't take it anymore.

Look, you said you'd bring me back a girl.

And you told me that yesterday before you

went to the beach,

you told me that last night before you went out,

and you told me that again today.

What about our deal, huh?

Hey look, you brought me down here.

And all I do is sit at that table

and write your term paper.

Because I feel so sorry for you and your sick mother.

Plus I had to sit through Jamie's soap opera all day.

(heavy breathing)

That's it, I've had enough.

- Hey, cool out, Joey.

- It is not Joey.

It is Jody.

- She's here, dude. - What?

- Tracy's in Florida, man.

- Well it sure is a good thing you called.

(beeping)

(commotion)

- Pod fish.

(crashing sound)

- Oh, oops. - Excuse me.

- Excuse me.

(crashing sound)

- That's rotten, God.

- Come here often?

No I'm from up north.

- Oh, what a coincidence,

my cousin and her friend are visiting

from up north, too.

Karma, huh?

- Yeah.

Uh, do you work in a hospital?

- No,

my dog had a little accident.

What'd you get? - Well you see,

I'm trying to find some health food.

I've been eating junk for the last two days.

- Why's that? - Because I was kidnapped,

that's why.

- Oh.

(sneezing)

- Gesundheit.

- Thank you.

- Do you have hay fever?

- Do I ever.

- Gee, I had hay fever once too,

but then I got shots.

- Dr. Fitzelberger, you know,

the world famous allergist? - I hear he's wonderful.

- Oh, yes,

it was horrible, I couldn't even see,

(crashing sound)

Well, I,

guess I better get back to that damn paper.

- Well take some time out,

you look out awfully tense.

I know a great way to relax.

I read in Tiger Beat magazine

that David Lee Roth uses whipped cream.

- What? - It's great for those tense

aching muscles.

- Whipped cream?

- You rub it in,

it's all natural.

- [Kevin] I don't know, maybe he hitchiked

his way back to New Jersey.

- Joey?

- Where could he be?

Look at this.

- Joey baby.

- Hi Everett.

Meet Debbie Sue.

(laughing)

- So your girls' names really Stacy and Tracy?

You've gotta be making that up.

- No, we're not, everybody always kids us

about it.

- So what would you guys like to drink?

- I'll just have some OJ, please.

- Could I have a glass of chablis, please?

- I think we can arrange that.

The regular, LX?

- LX? - My middle name is Xavier.

- Oh wow. - Music?

- Yeah. - Sure.

- That's a $6000 system.

(upbeat music)

- I can't believe it man, Jody.

- Hey what brand do you think he used?

- I think it was Reddiwhip.

- Hey check out that dude's car man,

he looks really rich.

And check out the babe.

Wait, that's Tracy!

Holy shit, stop the car!

(tires screeching)

- Oh my God.

- Take your hands off my girlfriend.

- Tracy, do you know this

person? - Jamie, what are you

doing here?

Why don't you just leave us alone?

- I said take your hands off my girlfriend.

Or I'm gonna rip off your head

and shit down your neck.

- Calm down, killer.

Remember what your parole officer said.

- This guy giving you a hard time, man?

- Stay out of this, ass face.

- I think they're all drunk. - Nah, nah, nah.

I'm perfectly sober, and I know what I see.

(shouting)

- Will you just grow up?

You blew it buddy!

So why don't you just go back to your

little robocize queen?

- Tracy. - No, save it.

It's over, asshole.

(car engine rumbling, tires screeching)

- Sorry about it.

- So am I.

- Look, why don't we just go back to my place,

have a drink and forget about the whole thing?

- Sounds great.

- So that's when dad sold the house out in Malibu

and we moved here.

We were living right next to Linda Ronston.

- Really?

I love Linda Ronston.

- Why don't we go make ourselves more comfortable?

It's a wonderful night,

in spite of the commotion.

- I'm really sorry about that. - Don't worry about it.

You know,

you're very pretty.

In fact, I think you're one of the nicest girls

I've ever met.

I wanna make out with you baby.

- What? - There's something in me,

I just can't control it. - Stop, stop it.

- Don't fight it, just let it happen.

- Stop. - Tracy, I am so sorry.

I'm out of line.

Please forgive me.

- Don't you think you're rushing things

a little bit? - I'm sorry.

Truly, I am.

Please, let me make it up to you.

We can all get together on my yacht tomorrow.

Jake and I will pick you up, say,

10:30?

- Okay.

Can you take us home now? - Yes.

(knocking)

- Hi Debbie Sue.

- Hi there, cellar boy.

- Hi.

- Ow, stop.

Something happened between the two of you,

I know it. - Nothing happened.

He was a complete gentleman.

- How old is he? - I don't know,

he's a lot more mature than Jamie.

- Older men are great,

they pay for everything.

(giggling)

- Yeah.

I can't remember the last time Jamie treated.

- Excuse me girls, have you seen Deborah Sue?

I just can't imagine what happened to her.

(clicking sound)

- So how long do you wanna wait?

- I don't know, he said he'd be here.

- I think we should just go to the beach and leave a note.

- Okay.

(snoring)

- You're very pretty.

In fact, you're one of the nicest girls I've ever met.

- Hold it.

- I can't imagine what could have happened to him.

You think he would at least call.

- Come on. - They're cute.

- The worst meatloaf I have ever tasted

in my entire life.

- Anybody wanna get a hoagie?

- You know, you move something in me

that I just can't control.

(screaming)

- Come on, let's check it out.

(screaming)

- What the hell is wrong with you?

Here I go I'm right behind you.

(shouting)

- Stay away from me!

This pig's trying to rape me.

- Me, trying to rape you?

Well that's utterly ridiculous.

Well you must know it was I who was solicited.

- You sure get around, don't you?

- What's it to you, maggot?

- Can you believe this guy tried to rape me?

- I think you ought to apologize to this chick

before I rip your lips off.

Then you can apologize to me

for calling me a maggot.

- Okay, she's not a whore.

But you're still a maggot.

- Drown, dipshit.

(cheering)

- Hello, Everett.

- Miss Bagley.

How did you get here?

- I flew, that's how.

Your term paper was due at 9AM this morning.

- And it's almost done.

Honest.

How did you know I was here? - Nevermind it.

I called your mother, she's alive.

- Mom's alive?

Oh shit.

Mom's alive.

Mom's alive! - Everett, Everett,

you come back here.

- My mom's alive! - Everett!

Come back here!

Give me that term paper now!

(laughing)

- I don't give a shit,

just get your ass over here.

This guy is gonna get what he deserves.

- Did you miss me pookie?

- Of course I did, you big jerk.

- Alright, you love birds,

come on kiss and make up will ya?

Please?

Oh, come on.

- So are you having a good trip?

- Fabulous.

(upbeat music)

- Hello Joey.

I need the term paper right away man,

is it finished?

Good, meet me in 10 minutes at the arcade.

You don't know me, but I'm madly in love with you.

Come with me.

I know how to make you happy.

- So many have tried,

but so few have been successful.

- Well, could I have a shot at least?

- Many have yearned for me,

but weren't man enough to endure

my unbridled lust.

- Really? - My untamed passion.

They had to beg for mercy.

Beg to be released from the unquenchable fire

that rages in my loins.

- Let me, honey,

I can take it.

I can get you references and everything.

- Well meet me tonight then,

at Pinrod's.

Will you be there? - Yeah.

Sure.

Say, how hot are those loins?

- Be there and find out.

(tires screeching)

- Come here big boy and give me a kiss.

- No, Debbie Sue, I can't,

I gotta go meet Everett. - Oh let him wait,

I'm sorry that I risked the term paper.

- I can't, it took 20 minutes for this

to print out in the first place.

- I'm going home and I'm gonna change.

If my mom doesn't kill me,

I'll see you later. - Okay.

Meet me on the beach. - Alright.

You were wonderful last night.

(car engine rumbling)

- Whoa, excuse me.

Look I finished the paper. - Great,

come on let's go.

This is great.

I gotta get this to Baglady right away.

I think she's gonna like it.

- We meet again.

- So what's this? - It's a term paper.

Everett's gotta turn it in right away.

- Turn it into the trash that is.

Got an F, what a pisser. - Hold it.

Hold it, let's have a look at this.

The decline of moral values

in 20th century western society.

Final assignment,

by Everett MacDill.

(laughing)

Hey check this out.

- Okay, be careful with that.

I may wanna submit it to Rolling Stone

after all. - Oh is that right?

Well,

I got something else you can submit to.

Jake?

- [Jody] Everett!

You okay?

Everett.

Everett, you okay?

- Yeah, sure.

- They got the paper.

- You made a copy I hope.

- I've got to tell you,

it accidentally got erased from the memory.

- You didn't memorize it? - What do you mean?

It's 46 pages long. - Come on.

(upbeat music)

- Hey you guys. - Hey,

hey!

Everett, what happened to you man?

- This big guy punched him out.

- Nevermind now, that Lance guy stole my term paper,

we gotta get it back from him.

- Let's get the turd!

- Hey, there he is! - Get him!

(shouting, indistinct chatter)

(shouting)

- I must find him, I have to find him,

you must tell me where he is,

you must tell me right now!

- Look lady, I don't have no idea

who you're talking about.

(engines rumbling)

- Hey, wait, no!

Hey, somebody help!

Hey, stop!

- Get back here you lying son of a bitch!

- Come on!

You're gonna be sorry.

Get back here.

- Hot stuff. - You're going too fast.

- Calm down. - We're going too fast.

- I said calm down already.

- Come on!

(police sirens blaring)

- And what we found is that the action

of the recreational vehicles on the beach

tend to accelerate the erosion process.

It's a process that is continuously in motion,

- Jim let's go!

(engine rumbling, upbeat music)

- In pursuit. - [Voiceover] What's up 55?

- Pack of dune buggies. - [Voiceover] Please repeat.

- Dune buggies on the loose.

(tires screeching)

- Look out!

(crashing sound)

(car doors slamming)

- Alright get your hands up.

- It was accidental, honest.

- Accidental?

You keep driving that way

and you'll have a real accident.

- Wait a minute.

Could you please explain it? - It wasn't my fault,

I was just trying to get my term paper back.

- No, no, wait, wait please!

Put it down, put it down.

- Now wait a minute officer,

let him get his story out.

Jim, will you get this please?

- Well, it all started when my crabby teacher

gave me this assignment.

Then I stayed up all night to get it done

on my vacation too.

We're on a trip from up north. - Is that so?

Go on. - Well, then some bad guys

stole my paper and took off with it.

- Is that it?

- You know, this really is a wonderful state.

The hot sun and the girls,

what more could a man ask for?

- Well, thank you, very nice of you to say,

and I'm glad you had a chance to stay here.

Cut, please.

- Incredible story, just incredible.

- Hey Everett, I found it!

- Wait, here it is!

- I found it, I found it.

(cheering)

- One moment.

Let me see that. - [Officer] Who are you lady?

- Madeline Bagley,

I'm the one that gave this young delinquent

this assignment and I have tracked him here

to get it.

- This is splendid.

A young man, an eager student,

determined to finish his final assignment.

Retrieves it from the garbage,

and here stands his teacher,

at the culmination of his valiant struggle.

Oh Jim, please,

let's get a shot of this.

Ms. Bagley, excuse me,

excuse me?

Could you stand right here,

with the garbage truck in the background,

and what's your name? - Everett MacDill.

- Everett, great,

why don't you come right over here,

great, now what I'd like you to do is,

hold up the assignment, right like that,

so we can get a good shot of it.

Okay, what's the topic?

- It's about morality, and you know,

how things are really going downhill.

- Timely, that's terrific.

Now if you could just hold it up,

and then sort of hand it to Ms. Bagley symbolically.

And this was the scene today near the boardwalk area.

One of those truly human stories

which has special meaning for us at this time

of so many graduations in the area.

Honor student Everett MacDill,

- [Kevin] It's the Baglady!

- [Reporter] out of a northern school,

after miraculously halting a runaway garbage truck

which contained his final term assignment.

Seen here, about to hand the paper

to his waiting teacher Ms. Madeline Bagley,

near tears with joy.

- Gee, Betsy, that's quite a story.

And I'll bet she gives him an A+ on that one.

- I would certainly hope so.

He wouldn't have graduated without it.

(cheering)

- Yeah!

(commotion)

Whoa.

- Many have yearned for me. - Well hot dog baby.

(indistinct chatter)

- Beg to be released from the unquenchable fire.

- I can take it.

Hey listen up everybody, listen up.

I'd like to propose a toast,

to Jody.

I couldn't have done it without you, man.

- Thanks.

- Hey everybody, stop,

look at the TV.

- And once again topping the news tonight,

honor student Everett MacDill

went above and beyond the call

of normal duty today,

when he jumped into a garbage truck

to save his final term paper from destruction.

Hats off to this model,

- [Everett] Hey, turn it back on,

they're not finished yet. - But you are.

- Ms. Bagley.

- You may be able to fool the media,

but you can't fool me.

You didn't write this assignment.

There are words in here you've never even heard of.

I don't know who wrote this for you, Mr. MacDill,

but there is no way I'm going to pass you.

You may have gotten an A+ on television,

but in real life you're getting an F.

Do you know means, Everett?

No graduation, period.

- That was sensational.

What a woman.

(laughing)

(birds chirping)

- Hey, what's another word for ethical?

- Republican.

- What are you writing, anyways?

- The term paper. - Relax, will you?

Leave it up to me.

- Alright everyone,

we'll get started as soon as Ms. Bagley arrives.

(upbeat music)

(laughing)

- You can fool some of the people

some of the time,

but you can never fool

Madeline Bagley!

(laughing)

- My mother's gonna kill me. - How is she doing anyways?

- Oh, much better, thanks. - Oh good.

(laughing)

- Oh, Homer, I wish you could be with me to celebrate.

(laughing)

(gasping)

- I followed you all the way from Florida.

And I'll follow you

until the ends of the Earth.

My belladonna.

Oh my God.

Oh my God,

oh my God.

- I can't understand where she is.

- Principal Muckle, if I may,

while we're waiting?

I'd just like to say that I've known Everett

for 11 years. - Alright,

there will be plenty of time for that,

once the hearing begins.

- Yeah, and thanks to Everett,

I got to see Florida.

- Oh you beautiful thing, you.

You're hotter than I ever thought you could be.

I'm gonna make you proud to be a woman.

Baby, here I come.

- Principal Muckle, may I remind you

that rule 168, sub paragraph 6 of the student code

stipulates a student hearing should commence in 10 minutes,

and it pointed out ensuring fair and prompt consideration.

- Alright, we,

can't delay this any longer.

We'll start.

We'll hear from Ms. Bagley once

she decides to get here.

You may proceed with your opening part.

- If it pleases the court,

I intend to prove that my client,

Everett MacDill,

was simply a victim of extenuating circumstances.

Why he nobly attempted to fulfill his academic

obligations to this school.

And, that Florida provided the ideal laboratory

for the examination of his assigned topic.

For my first character witness,

I'd like to call Jamie Murphy.

- Lovey dovey.

- This has been the most enlightening week

of my life.

I feel like I've been cultured.

I learned a great deal about substance.

Thanks to my buddy, Everett MacDill.

- So Everett spent the whole entire trip

working on that term paper,

and we were all out having a good time.

- Everett deserves a lot of credit.

I mean he was a local hero.

He was on TV news all over Florida.

Oh, and we even got on camera.

- Homer, let me kiss your beak

and nuzzle your feathers.

- Oh, now this is getting kinky.

I love it.

I love it.

- The term paper was stolen,

and we had to get it back at any cost.

His graduation, his entire future was at stake.

- Then this really crazy lady

came running out screaming,

her hair standing on end.

She said she was Everett's teacher.

You know, she was so weird,

I thought she was gonna have a seizure

right then and there, I did.

- Thanks honey, I think that's enough.

(laughing)

- The hearing, the hearing,

I've gotta get to the hearing.

Get out of my way!

(whimsical music)

(imitating bird noises)

- Everett MacDill was not on vacation.

He was on a field trip,

gathering research for Ms. Bagley's final term paper.

You've heard the testimony,

it speaks for itself.

Everett MacDill may not be an honor student.

But he has fulfilled his academic obligation

to this institution with honor.

I move that the case be dismissed.

(applause, cheering)

(tapping)

- Settle down everyone.

This hearing is not over,

until we've heard from Ms. Bagley.

- Where is Baglady anyway?

(crashing sound)

- Everett MacDill is guilty!

- Madeline?

What the hell is going on here?

- He can't graduate, he won't graduate!

He's rotten to the core.

- This is absolute absurdity.

I don't know what you have against

that fine young man.

But as far as I'm concerned,

this case is dismissed.

(applause)

(upbeat music)

(commotion, indistinct chatter)

- So, did you get to see Disney World?

- No, but I did meet the girl of my dreams.

- We all have to follow our dreams.

So, what are you planning to do

after graduation?

- Well, I think I'm gonna go

back down to Florida.

I have a little unfinished business there.

(cheering, applause)

- You're gonna really like Florida.

I got a big palm tree in my front yard.

♪ I got a yoko-maka huba bakwa ju ju hand ♪

♪ The yoko-maka huba bakwa sure is grand ♪

♪ Makes your eyes look red ♪

♪ And your tongue turn green ♪

♪ The strongest mess that you ever seen ♪

♪ The Mojo hand used to be real strong ♪

♪ It kept you straight when you did me wrong ♪

♪ As time went by ♪

♪ You just got so mean ♪

♪ But the yoko-maka huba bakwa is the thing ♪

♪ I got a yoko-maka huba bakwa ju ju hand ♪

♪ The yoko-maka huba bakwa sure is grand ♪

♪ Makes your eyes look red ♪

♪ And your tongue turn green ♪

♪ The yoko-maka huba bakwa makes you scream ♪

♪ Mojo hand used to be real strong ♪

♪ It kept you straight when you did me wrong ♪

♪ As time went by you just got so mean ♪

♪ But the yoko-maka huba bakwa is the thing ♪

♪ I got a yoko-maka huba bakwa ju ju hand ♪

♪ The yoko-maka huba bakwa sure is grand ♪

♪ Makes your eyes look red ♪

♪ And your tongue turn green ♪

♪ The strongest mess that you ever seen ♪

♪ Yoko-maka, huba bakwa ju ju hand ♪

♪ Your picture ♪

♪ Makes me love you so long ♪

♪ Makes me drill to your dawn ♪

♪ Your picture I love so much ♪

♪ Your eyes ♪

♪ Just as clear as the sky ♪

♪ Now I seem to realize ♪

♪ That it's you I adore ♪

♪ You're better ♪

♪ Your eyes ♪

♪ These all ♪

♪ Are my dreams ♪

♪ Your picture ♪

♪ On the wall ♪

♪ The greatest of them all ♪

♪ Your picture ♪

♪ Makes me suddenly weak ♪

♪ Makes me cry in my sleep ♪

♪ Now I pray on my knees ♪

♪ That you'll come back to me ♪

♪ Your picture ♪

♪ Your picture ♪

♪ Your picture ♪

♪ You're better ♪

♪ Your eyes ♪

♪ These are ♪

♪ My dreams ♪

♪ Your picture ♪

♪ On the wall ♪

♪ The greatest of them all ♪

♪ Your picture ♪

♪ Makes me suddenly weak ♪

♪ Makes me cry in my sleep ♪

♪ Now I pray on my knees ♪

♪ That you come back to me ♪

♪ That you come back to me ♪

- [Voiceover] Baby, here I come.