All language subtitles for Prozac Nation 2001f.e

Back, back, back.

How fucking far back
do you go?

My mom and dad were divorced
before I was two,

and from then on,

my father was almost
uninvolved in my life

and my mother,
much too involved.

She wanted to make up
for all her mistakes
through me.

One night, there was something
in my pants, like, blood.

My mom said,
"Oh, hell. Your period.

This is where
all the trouble starts."

She was right.

(* "The Promise"
by Bruce Springsteen*)

(* "The Promise"
by Bruce Springsteen*)

(* "The Promise"
by Bruce Springsteen*)

Now Mom and Dad
really had something
to fight over -

me.

Then one day,
my dad disappeared.

No number, no letters.

Just gone.

I wrote
to Seventeen magazine,

a long letter about us.

They wanted to publish it
as an article but kept asking,

"Your dad going away -
does he come back?

Does it have a happy ending?"

In reality it didn't,
but I thought,

"What the hell?
I'll give them what they want."

This is it. Time to go.

Mom, please don't...

No way
are we gonna be late.

We have hours.

Honey, honey,
you've got registration
at four.

Come on, now.

Oh, Lizzie...

you wanna take your rug.
Mom.

What? Come on.

This is
the most important day
of your life.

I thought that's
when you got married.
Ha!

No, honey,
that's the worst day
of your life.

Yeah, she is so excited.
Oh, Mom, she looks beautiful.

Pity, I was aiming
for psychotic.

Well, yeah.

Grandma's so excited,
she's crying.

It's a journalism scholarship,
Mom. Journalism, yeah.

She wants to be a writer.

The first few days, that's when
everyone makes friends.

I know.
It gets harder later.

Mom, I think I'm old enough.

Don't get upset.

I'm not getting upset.

Why are you saying
that I'm upset?

I'm just trying to help.
You know that.

You know how proud
I am of you, Lizzie.

You have so much potential,
honey...

Are you listening to me?

Lizzie?

Lizzie, Lizzie,
what are you doing?

Come on, let's get this stuff
down to the car.

I don't have to go to Harvard
to become a writer.

Lizzie, what are you
talking about?

At Harvard,
you'll meet people.

You'll get contacts,
you'll...

People to help you.

I know what
I'm talking about, Lizzie.

I had my whole life
ahead of me.

You don't want
to go to Harvard?

Well, you just wait

until you have
no choices left,

where you've got
nothing, no one,

no one
who cares about you.

Then you see how you feel.

Mom, I didn't say
I wasn't going.

Dr. Isaacs warned me.
Mom, I said I'm going.

He told me you'd isolate,
stay in your room all day.

I'm not isolating, OK?
I'm not gonna isolate.

I want things to be different.

Well, fine.

That's all you need, then.

That's what I've been
talking about.

You'll see, Lizzie.

It'll be a whole other world
up there.

Young...
God, I was so young.

You be careful.

When I think of it,
just a year older than you,

and I was already
a housewife. Oy.

God, I was so bored,
I bought a monkey

just to have someone
to talk to.

But then you came along.

Oh, my God.

Lizzie, Lizzie,
it's so...

Harvard.

But you're
on the fifth floor.

I know.

Well, how are we
gonna manage, huh?

I can do it, OK, Mom?
Don't do anything.

Oh. No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

Hi.

May I be of assistance?
Could you?

Oh, that's too kind.

My pleasure.

Ever since
she was in second grade,
she was always writing...

The man has "good catch"
written all over his forehead.

Any minute now, she's gonna
ask me to confirm it.

(mother) Lizzie.

I've always helped
my mother pick up boyfriends.

The only one
I never got a say in
was the one that mattered -

my dad.

Wow.

Now, that's quality.
That's a father.

Could you imagine your father?
We'd still be in Manhattan.

I told him you've already
had things published.

Mom, don't you think
you should be getting
the car back?

It's kinda getting late.

Yeah.

Don't forget to eat.

Bye, sweetheart.
Bye, Mom.

Ever since
I was a little kid,

my mom and I
always hung out together.

I didn't fit in
with most kids in school.

They thought I was strange,

so they made me feel
like a stranger...

...and my mother
took advantage of it
from an early age,

throwing me into plays,

spelling bees,
studying, writing,

museums, concerts
and even more writing.

She convinced me this
would lead to the Holy Grail -

Harvard, a place where
I would finally be surrounded

by people I had something
in common with.

I'm not gonna ask for much.

They don't have to be
a Springsteen fan.

Nice meeting you guys.

Hi.
Hi.

You're Elizabeth, right?

Yeah, I thought
that I recognized you
from the face book.

You know, I read that...
I read that article
that you wrote

about your parents' divorce.

That was brilliant.
Thank you.

I'm Ruby.
Hi.

We're gonna be roommates.
Oh, cool.

Seriously,
you don't have any idea
what that article meant to me.

You were telling
the full grisly truth
about your parents,

exposing
all their lies.

And then meeting
with your father
and reconciling with him -

so inspiring.

Do you smoke?

You know, I've never smoked
in the daytime before.

Well,
we're at Harvard now.

We can do
whatever we want to.

Cool.

We'll be like these
beautiful literary freaks,

being brilliant
and dark and sexy.

Trouble is,
I'm deadly serious.

( *"Mystery Achievement"
by The Pretenders*)

Boys never used to
notice me before.

I wasn't even
on their list of alternatives.

Every day

Every nighttime I find

Mystery achievement

You're on my mind,
on my mind

(glass smashes)

Every day

Every nighttime I feel...

Ruby gets it.
She gets me.

If she were a guy,
everything would be perfect.

When Lou Reed
was 17 years old,

he was diagnosed
as suffering from mood swings.

He was subjected to
electric-shock treatment
three times a week.

Each treatment hit him
as a blinding white light,

and therein lies his genius -

to embrace
his own psychic carnage

and create some
of the greatest rock-'n'-roll
the world has ever heard.

( *"Sweet Jane" by Lou Reed)

*That pretty women
never really faint*

*And that villains
always blink their eyes*

*And that children
are the only ones who blush*

*And that life is just to die

*Oh, oh, oh

*Anyone who's ever had a heart

*Wouldn't turn around

*Wouldn't turn around
and break it*

*Anyone who's ever
played a part...*

I feel his cold embrace,
his sly caress,

lying in my room
for days on end,

everything cold,
dark, silvery.

I'm scared he'll take me
back to the depths
of my own twisted desire,

to a place I'm too afraid
to go to because maybe
I will never escape.

I bet you've got
thousands at home.

Cigarette packs
with tiny little writing on.

Your life story?

Diary? No?

Come on,
this is killing me.

It's an assignment.
You're the most conscientious
student at Harvard.

It's a music review.

Ah.

I'm trying
to start a music column
for the Crimson.

That's great.

You wanna do some X?

You've never done X?

Acid goes to your head, right?

X goes to your heart.

( *"Perfect Day"
by Lou Reed*)

*Feed the animals in the zoo

*Then later a movie, too

*And then home

*Oh, such a perfect day

*Feed the animals in the zoo

*Then later, a movie, too

*And then home

*It's such a perfect day

*I'm glad I spent it with you

*Such a perfect day

*You just keep me hanging on

You just keep me hanging on...*

(running water)

Hey.

You OK?

What are you doing in here?

Oh, no.

Do you want to go
back inside?

There's a guy out there.

I think he's looking for you.

*You're going to reap

*Just what you sow

*You're going to reap
just what you sow*

*Oh, what a perfect day

His voice comes to me
under the covers...

"Come here, baby."

He's inside of me
where no one else has been,

in my dark and secret place.

I let him take me there,
but then my fear returns.

I want him to stop.

How do you think it feels
and when do you think
it stops?

I don't want him in control.
I want him to be gone.

I want him not to exist.
I mean, let's face it...

"Lou Reed should be dead."

It's great.

Are you gonna
sleep with me tonight?

Don't say I didn't warn you.

What's that
supposed to mean?

It means don't say
I didn't warn you.

Great.

I've been wanting so badly
for sex to happen
the right way,

with the right person,
at the right time,
in the right place.

It wasn't any big deal.
Oh, when is it, though?

It should've been.
Well, at least
he's good-looking.

It was my first time.
Yeah, sure.

No, I'm serious.

Are you kidding me?

It's true.

No way.
I don't believe you.

I just figured
I should start having sex
like a normal 19-year-old.

Well, I happen to think
that this calls for
celebration.

We could have a party!
A party?

It was meant to be subtle,
but, of course...

Elizabeth, this is great.

It's such a wild idea.

Everyone got it.

Only not everyone
was so pleased.

I wish I'd have thought
of something like this.

Thanks.

Hey.
Hey.

How can you take something
that's private and turn it
into something public?

It wasn't private
to begin with.

All right, it was good,
it was interesting.

Interesting?

I just mean it wasn't
about me, you know?

It wasn't special.
It was just sex.

OK. That's cool.

You don't
look cool with it.

I'd been saving my virginity
for someone who truly loves me,

who really knows
the inside of me.

Noah wasn't it.

He told me afterwards that
in terms of absolute value,

sex and drugs were
equally meaningless to him,

just two different ways
to have fun.

Which is all well and good...

until a girl tries out
the same approach.

Lizzie?

Hey, have you guys
seen Lizzie?
(both) No.

Lizzie?

Lizzie?

Lizzie?
You got a phone call.

Who is it?
Rolling Stone.

Rolling Stone?

The college journalism award
for 1985

goes to Elizabeth Wurtzel

for her Harvard Crimson piece
on Lou Reed.

I want to forget everything
that has happened to me before.

I want to freeze
this moment...

...forever.

Thank you.

That's great.
No, you're great.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

I'm just thinking
about all the bands
coming to Cambridge

who you could cover.

It's very rare we get somebody
who's going to all the gigs,
writing with such clarity.

So, I'm thinking
he's coming on to me,

and he's, like, an editor
at Rolling Stone.

And how old is he?

Oh, my God.
What?

That's my dad.
Oh, cool.

Look at that.

What? What's the matter?
I haven't seen him
in four years.

Wait a minute.
I thought you said in...
I know what I said.

(young Lizzie) Dad,
when are you coming back
to live with us?

Well, I'm not, honey.
You know that.

But Mom said
that if you want to,
she wants you to.

I'm sure your mom
didn't say that, did she?

She did.

Honey, you know, that...
that's just not gonna happen.

Which doesn't mean
that I love you any the less.

Who does he think he is?

He disappears
for four fucking years,

and then he thinks
he can come back here

and take pictures of
his perfect Ivy-League daughter?

Well, this place
has nothing to do with him.

The least he could do
is have the decency
to understand that.

Well, maybe you should
say something to him.

Like what?

I don't know.

How's your new life?
How's your new
fucking girlfriend?

Lizzie, he's your father.
He loves you.

No, you don't know
what it was like.

When I was eight, we went
to see The Last Waltz.

He passed out
on tranquilizers.

I had to sit through the movie
three fucking times
before he woke up.

What kind of a person
does that?

I-I didn't realize.

That article,
it was just wish fulfillment.

I was writing about
how I wanted things to be,

and the way
people talked about it,

the way you talked about it,
it made it seem real.

Well, maybe it can be.

No. It was just a dream
I held on to for way too long.

I'm happy here.
I don't need him anymore.

We should go.
Are you coming?

No. I promised my editor
that article by next week.

( "Who Is Who"
by The Adolescents)

Friends call me enemy
'cause they're a fucking joke

They'd better
get their act together,
it's time that they awoke

I'm cast out by my relatives
'cause they don't want me round

Just sit in a corner
and I don't make a sound

Not one word

The walls
are closing in on me

I don't know what to do

Jesus, Lizzie,
it's 4:00 in the morning.
Do you mind?

I know. I'm sorry.

Music helps me concentrate.

Springsteen's like
this garage-mechanic poet.

You can feel the sweat
in his voice,

the grime in his guitar.

When he sings,
I see steamy streets,

lovers' groping hands,

busted fenders.

The dirt is under his nails

and the clairvoyance
in his eyes.

( "The Promise"
by Bruce Springsteen)

When the promise is broken

You go on livin'
and steal somethin'...

Jesus, Lizzie,
you haven't slept in days.

I had it perfect before.

I know I can get it back.

His words twist and grind
and hammer out a story
for the brain,

but his guitar and voice
go straight for your heart.

Music bellows
from his insides

and out comes
the struggles of the world.

(whispering) Springsteen's like
this garage-mechanic poet.

The music bellows
from his insides...

...and out comes
the struggles of the world

with the knowledge that comes
with some perfect connection.

It's like
he feels with the knowledge
that goes back through the ages

to a single core in our brains,
a beacon that can be touched.

He has the powers
of both pure emotion,

emotion so intense,
the body is flooded

and literally
must do something.

(whispering continues)

Fuck.

She still hasn't slept.

(whispering) So we tap
our feet and we cry, we dance,
and the sweat rains off us...

Lizzie.

Lizzie!
(whispering stops)

I don't know how
to say this to you, all right,

but you are
starting to smell.

This is important.

Lizzie, it's not as important
as your health, all right?
You gotta get some sleep.

Will you just fuck off?

I just have to finish this.

I can get you
some downers, OK?

Yeah?
(man) Yeah, yeah, sure.

Noah! Noah, come on,
give it to me. Noah!

Lizzie,
this is just scribbling.

What?! What the fuck?
Asshole!

Stop it! Noah!
Noah, stop that!

Jesus! She's turning into
the Harvard bag lady.

What the hell
do you think you're doing?
(banging on door)

She needs something.
What?

I don't know.
Some kind of medical help.
Ruby!

...all your papers.
It's OK, Lizzie.

I got 'em, I got 'em,
I got 'em, I got 'em.
It's all right.

(whispering)

Lizzie. Lizzie.

You gotta calm down, OK?

That's not what you said
when I had your dick
in my mouth.

Have you had any drugs
in the last 24 hours?

No.

Well, I guess
I snorted some coke
and smoked some pot,

but, you know, that was
just to make the ecstasy
last longer.

Sure you're not
forgetting anything?

Maybe a few beers?

Did you ever think you might
have a substance-abuse problem?

The only substance problem
I have right now

is that I need you
to give me some tranqs

so I can come down
off this fucking coke.

And then what happens?

So, you don't like coming here,
and you don't want to talk.

You don't have to talk.

You don't have to say anything
you don't want to say.

But if you don't say anything,
if you don't talk to me,

I can't help you.

You know, if you're gonna
suggest therapy, don't.

I'm living proof
it doesn't work.

So what are you
doing here, then?

My friends brought me here.

It had nothing
to do with you?

Are you gonna
give me something, doctor?

No. Not today.

I'm falling.

I can't even
finish my article.

Maybe Noah's right.
It's all scribble.

I don't really have
anything original to say.

Writing can't save me.

Even Harvard can't save me.

How can I escape
from the demons in my head?

So, what? Did she blow you,
or did you go... wh-what?

Yeah, she fuckin' blew me,
all right? But I was...

You fucking shithead.
How fucking could you?

How fucking...
I...

Lizzie!

Lizzie, stop!
(horn honks)

Lizzie!

Lizzie, I'm gonna
fucking kill you.

I'm gonna fucking
kill you, you bitch.

Sam told me.
He told me everything.

Losing your virginity,
was that just some
motherfucking lie?

You don't understand, OK?

You don't understand.
It was an accident.

An accident? You call that
a fucking accident?

It was...
It was sort of, you know...

Come on, what?
An accidental blow job.

Oh, fuck you.

I could fucking kill you,
Lizzie.

(fading) I swear to God,
I could fucking kill you.

How could you do that?

(silence)

Hemingway
has his classic moment
in "The Sun Also Rises"

when someone asks Mike Campbell
how he went bankrupt.

All he can say is,
"Gradually, then suddenly."

That's how depression hits.

You wake up one morning afraid
that you're going to live.

(mother) I can't believe
we're back to this.

You think I want
to be like this?

I don't know.
I don't know, Lizzie.

I thought everything
was gonna be OK.

I was so proud of you
at Harvard.

Is it because I haven't come
to see you?
No, Mom.

I thought all this
was behind us,

then I get a phone call
to come...

Mom, this has nothing
to do with you.

I mean,
it's nothing you've done.

Why did they move you here?

I asked for a single room.

Why?

Reasons
of mental instability.

I told them
I just... I can't live
with other people.

You told them...

You said that?

Oh, Lizzie.

Your education.

This opportunity.

I'm sorry, Mom.

You know, I just can't
cope with this.

It's just all too much.

It's all so crazy.

I am not going
to do this anymore!

No, you listen to me.

I raised her!

I raised her all by myself
with no help from you!

No help from me?

I'm the one
that does everything,
and I never get credit!

You put yourself as the one
who makes all the decisions,

and they blow up in your face,
do they not?

What are you talking about?!
You do nothing for her!

You do nothing for her!
You never even see her.

You don't take her
on vacations,

you don't take her
on the weekends.

What the hell do you ever do
for her, Donald?

I'm her father.
I put her in the clinic,
and what do you do?

You're looking in Manhattan.

You son of a bitch!
Goddamn, I hate you!

I hate you, I hate you,
you son of a bitch!

Aah!

What is wrong with you?

Nothing.

Oh, God. You're not...

Pregnant? No, Mom.
I'm not pregnant.

Anyway, it's the '80s.
That would hardly be a problem.

Please, Lizzie,
don't speak like that.

What, then?

I don't understand you,
Lizzie.

This place is filthy.
I'll help you clean it up.

Mom, no.

I don't have
a simple solution, OK?

I don't know
what to do, Lizzie.

I've taken
a couple days off work.
No, you can't.

I wanna help.

God knows
I can't afford it, but...

I'm much better
by myself, OK?

If I'd known
you'd react like this...

Look, I have to study.

You know, I've been working
really hard, and I just...

I've been having
a difficult time.

I just needed a few days.

I'm so worried about you,
Lizzie.

I promise
I'll take care of myself.

OK?

And I'll come and see you.

(laughs)
I've seen enough already.

We'll spend time together
in New York.

Please? I promise.

I just have all this work
I have to finish here.

Maybe for your birthday.

Hmm?
Yeah.

I promise I will be home
for my birthday.

We can celebrate.

We'll have a party.
OK.

I'll make those pear tarts
that you like.

That would be great.

( rock)

Hey.

(glass shatters)

Lizzie, I love you dearly,
really, I do,

but you can only hang out
in my room

if you don't drink
or do drugs.

Come on, you can't be serious.

Totally.

Just say no.

But, Noah, there's no reason
to be in your room sober.

I want to explain to Noah
how exhausted I am,

even in my dreams,

how I wake up tired,

how I'm being drowned
by some kind of black wave,

but I can't write

and he doesn't really
want to know about it, anyway.

(man) There you go.
Thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

Ruby, this is crazy.
We have to talk.

You know,
I'd really rather not.

I'm sorry. You know that.

And I have no excuse.

So then why?
Why'd you do it?

You know,
I'm just really fucked up.

I'm like a defective model,

and you don't know that

until you've been
around me a while.

You know,
some days I wake up

and I just feel
so flat-out fucked

that I'll do anything
to feel different.

Lizzie, when we're together,
you're fine.

You're fun, you're...
I'm faking it.

Well, everybody does that.

Not like me.

Look, we all have bad days.

This is what people say
in situations

when they don't know
what else to say.

Fuck.

I don't know what
to suggest, either.

People care about you,
Lizzie.

What I want
is for someone
to understand,

but they don't, really,

and that makes the platitudes
harder to bear.

They do. People
want to help, all right?

I want to help you,
but I don't know what to do.

You know, I don't really need
the company line right now, OK?

OK.

Jesus. Listen to me.

All I see
is the dark side
of everything.

Poor Ruby.

I kill her joy.

Look at her
sad, discouraged face.

Lizzie, I don't know
what to say.

How about, "Shit. Call in
the professionals"?

So I guess
this is the Freud part,
where I don't say anything,

and then you don't
say anything.

All of a sudden, it's...

(German accent)
"Obviously you wish to sleep
with your father."

So I'm to take it
you don't wish to sleep
with your father?

(normal voice) No.

And I don't want to talk
about my childhood, either.

I don't know why I'm here.

Why might you be here?

I can't write.

What do you write about?

I write stories,
poems, articles.

I'm here
on a journalism scholarship.

I'm writing forever.
I have to.

How long has it been
since you stopped writing?

About a month.

Do you remember
the first thing
you wrote?

A poem.

A poem. About what?

My dad.

Can you remember
anything that it said?

I told you, I don't want
to talk about my childhood.

I just... I feel so stupid
sitting in therapy.

A lot of people have much harder
childhoods than mine.

But we're not talking
about other people.
We're talking about you.

I'll give her that much.

I'm the problem.

I worry about
being in therapy.

I worry about
not being in therapy.

I even worry I'm not
entertaining enough
for Dr. Sterling.

I just keep thinking
that if I could just
be normal...

You know, if I could just
get out of bed in the morning,
everything would be OK.

OK, well, what do you think
normal is?

Most people, you know,
they cut themselves,

they put a Band-Aid on,
they keep going.

Mm-hmm, and what do you do?
I just keep bleeding.

So you think that being normal

is having a wound,
putting a patch on it

and then just go on
with your life?

Isn't that what functioning is?

Isn't that what living is?

You know, you keep going,
no matter what happens to you.

Is that the way
you want to live?

Mom.

Aw, come on, now, honey.

Why don't you tie up
your hair anymore, huh?

Your face is so pretty.

(doorbell ringing)

Here they are.

OK. Phew.

Come on, now, Lizzie.

Oh!

Honey! Oh!

Hi, Daddy.

Is she home, dear?

(mother) Come in.
Yes, she's home.

I need someone
to shut off my brain

and turn on my heart.

Well, I have long brown hair,
dark eyes...

But, hey, you probably
meet tons of girls
in the men's bathroom.

(Rafe) Oh, yeah.
The ecstasy goddess.

Yes. I can't believe
you remember that.

(knock at door)
Lizzie.

Can you hang on a sec?

Grandma and Grandpa
are here.

Yes, I heard.

(softly)
You know, the only reason
I threw a birthday party

was to make you happy.

I don't understand
how you can treat me like this.

Mom, can I have
some privacy, please?

(slams)

That was my mother.

It's my birthday,
and she's throwing
this big party for me.

Cool.

Well, no, actually,
it's not.

It's just me and my mother
and my grandparents.

I haven't even been
out there yet.

Aren't they missing you?

Well, now you sound
like a nice Jewish boy.

Well, I might,
if I was Jewish.

Well, I just wanted
to call and say hi.

Well, let's meet up
when you get back to school.

OK. That'd be great.

Hey, um, happy birthday.

Thank you.

Rafe didn't seem to realize

he'd just been appointed
to save my life.

Rolling Stone magazine.

It's the music magazine.

That's wonderful, honey!

They want her
to work for them. Yeah.

Paid work for Rolling Stone.

They'll pay her!

I think she was up writing
late last night.
Ah.

Were you up writing
late last night, honey?

I haven't written anything
in months.

She's always working
on something.

She just doesn't like
to talk about it.

Oh, like you've
ever read any of it.

Lizzie, this isn't
very nice.

You want one?

What's wrong with her?

Nothing! Ma, nothing's
wrong with her.

She's drunk.
'Course I'm drunk.

She's just tired.

She's as skinny as a ghost.

She's overtired.
They work so hard up there.

Lizzie.
Is she on drugs?

Oh, I wish I was on drugs.
Lizzie.

Did she say that she...

No, Ma. It's OK.
Everything is OK.

Mom, believe me,
if I was on drugs,
I'd tell you.

People don't behave this way
if they're not on drugs.

I fucking do.

I'm so sorry, Mama.

I dream about all the things
I wish I'd said,

the opposite
of what came out of my mouth.

I wish I'd said,
"Mom, please forgive me.

"Please help me.

I know I have no right
to behave this way."

(phone ringing)

Hello.
(man) Hey.

Hi.
How's my birthday girl?

You're late.
You're a day late.

What can I say?
You know how it is.

Anyway, you know what?

I thought I'd have
to be dealing with
your secretary by now,

you're such
a big-shot journalist

writing for Rolling Stone.

Did you read it?

You know, I want you
to remember this, honey -
they're lucky to have you.

These guys,
well, they're smart.
They're really smart.

They know what they're doing,
and they can see talent.

You know, I'm probably
gonna get assignments
all over the country,

so I could
maybe come visit you.

Who are you talking to,
Lizzie?

It's no one.

Who is it?

Mom, it's no one.
Don't listen to her.

Please, Mom.
(chuckles)

Look at you, the two of you.

Go on. You're
so in love with him.
Mom.

Can you hear that?
Do you hear why I don't call?

Where was he
your whole childhood?

Where?
Stop it! Just stop it!

I just wanted
to talk to him.

You know, Lizzie,
I'm at the end of my rope.

I've been
working extra hours,

I never go out,
I never buy clothes.

I spend all our money
on your therapy.

All our money?
Daddy pays, Mom.

You think he pays?

You think he's paying?

He doesn't pay one cent.

Not one single red cent!

That's not true.

You want me to show you?
Huh? You wanna see?

You want to see
how much I'm paying,

still paying
on your last term bill? Huh?

Here. Here. Look at these.

Look at these.
There. Look at that, Lizzie.

I'm sorry, Mom.
Look at that last one.

You want to see how much
I'm paying this Dr. Sterling?

I'm sorry.

No, you're not going
to talk your way out of this,
Lizzie. Ask her who pays her!

You know, it's my fault
for spoiling you the way I did.

I kill myself
to get you to Harvard,

and you come back
looking like a zombie.

I know. I'm sorry.

I'm so...

Why won't he? (sobbing)

Why won't he?
I know. I know, honey.
I know.

Oh, and I hate myself.
I hate the things I do.

Lizzie, Lizzie, it's all right.
It's all right.

It's awful.

It's awful.
It's so awful.

And I... I hurt the people
who love me.

But when he calls...

My God, a party?

And your stupid pear tart.

Why do you do this, Lizzie?

'Cause I'm not
your goddamn monkey!

(sobbing) I'm sorry, Mom.
I didn't mean it. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it.

I'm sorry.

(Dr. Sterling) She threw
the party for herself?

I guess for Grandma.

Why would she
want to do that?

To show her
what a good little girl
she was.

That must really hurt.

Look at her. This isn't
a breakthrough, darling.

My Mom pays
$100 an hour for this.

This is the same bullshit.
Insight time.

It's like that stuff
with that guy Rafe.

I don't have to be Freud to know
I have a fear of rejection.

And I know where it comes from.
I know it's from my dad.

But it doesn't change anything.
I still can't go out with him.

Why not?

I just told you.

You didn't tell me anything
about Rafe.

Has he ever given you
any reason to believe
that he would reject you?

Do not show him
how crazy you are.

A monkey?
Called Percy.

I know, it beats me.
She said she needed
someone to talk to.

Well, she had you.
No, no. This was before.

Are you listening?
God, yes.

I'm not boring you?

Please, Lizzie,
I met you in a men's room.
You're anything but boring.

What am I?

Scary.

So, are we gonna go
to this gig?

I'm not sure.
I don't really know
where it is.

You came to see a gig,
and you don't know where it is?

I said
I came to see the gig.

Uh-huh.

You know.

What?

OK, now you're
just being cruel.

No, no. You said...

I said I came
to see the gig, but...

I came to see you.

Waiting,
waiting, waiting.

Waiting for him
to make the move.

Doesn't he know?

He's gotta be my salvation.

It's lovely that he's
caring, compassionate
and politically correct,

but I need him to kiss me.

Right now.

Ruby!

Ruby!

Hey.

Hey.

I didn't know you'd
moved room. I thought you
were still in here.

Ruby was just telling me
all about those articles
that you're planning to write.

That stuff's
always been easy for me.

Dr. Sterling
must have called him.

Why else would he be here?

Probably to see
how dire the situation is,

see if his little girl
can get through the day still.

Or...

maybe he really did
finally miss me.

That's my girl.

Dad, you know
those medical bills?

The ones for
the psychiatric treatment?

Uh-huh.

They keep
sending them to Mom.

So I guess you haven't paid.

I can't even believe
you're asking me this.
Oh, you have paid?

You're all
cold and distant,

and now you're
asking me what?

What are you talking about?

If you don't know...

No. No, I don't know.
You made a promise.

You haven't written me.
You never call me.

It's like
I don't even exist.

Who do you think
you're talking to?

I even come and visit you.
Fuck you.

You watch that language.
No.

Is that any way
to talk to your father?

Listen to me.
You're the one who left.

You're the one
who walked away
for four years.

You think I don't know that?

Is that what you think?
You think I don't feel it?

Do you think that
it's easy for me,

away from you?

I hated the effect
it had on you -

your mother and myself.

I hated watching you
get trapped right in the middle
of everything,

in between the two of us.

Dad, please.
You know...

Please!

You're my father
and you won't even pay
my medical bills,

even though it won't
cost you anything.

All you have to do
is sign the papers.

It's 10%.
It's, like, nothing.

No.

I lost my apartment,
everything,
when we got divorced.

It won't
cost you anything.

Sorry, Lizzie.

It's your mother's
responsibility.

What do you want me to do?

You want me to slit my wrists
so that I'll qualify
as a trauma case...

This is killing me, too.

This is killing me.
I mean, I feel so powerless.

I look back at all
the mistakes that I made,
I made a lot of mistakes,

and there's
really nothing I can do.

What am I gonna do?

Hey, you.

Hi.

Guess who.

What are you doing?

Nothing. Just walking.

Walking with somebody.

Don't be ridiculous. I could
be walking with a girl.

OK, fine.
You're right, it's a boy.

He's tall.

Very tall.

Of course he's taller than me.

How tall are you?

Tall enough.

I'd say 6 feet.

Long lashes, brown eyes.

He's kinda got that
sexy-intellectual-preppy thing
going on.

What? Oh, cool.
Yeah, I will.

I'll ask him
as soon as I hang up.

All right. OK.

Bye. Bye.

Well? Who now thinks of me
as a sexy intellectual?

My mom.

Oh.

She wants us to come visit
over the holidays.

She just moved.
I'm going, anyway.

( "Das Testament des
Dr. Mabuse" by Propaganda)

Why does it hurt
when my heart misses the beat?

He's devoted to the devil,
fascinated by crime

Glamorous death
is his destination

Eternal passion

His gain

Sell him your soul,
sell him your soul,
sell him your soul

Never look back

Every time I'm with him,
I see myself doing these
horrible things.

And I hate myself for it,
but I just... I can't stop.

OK, let's say that you could.
What would you do differently?

So when I saw you with her,
I just... I don't know.

I mean, I know it's crazy,

but, uh...

I can't help it.
I just have these feelings.

I'm sorry. I didn't...

I didn't realize.

Hey, it's gonna happen.

Beautiful women
just throw themselves at me.

It's Earl Grey.
Shit. Sorry.

I'll get you another.
It's OK. Forget it.

No, it's no problem.
I said I don't want it.

Could we get another Earl Grey
over here, please?

I said I don't want it.

Would you relax, Lizzie?
It's just a goddamn
cup of tea, OK?

Don't yell at me.
Just don't
be ridiculous, OK?

You fucked her,
didn't you?

What? Are you crazy?

Don't yell at me.

You know, I really don't know
what the problem is.

Why don't you
just keep fucking her,
if that's what you want?

Just go away!
Lizzie!

Hey, Lizzie, listen.
Lizzie. Come on.

I'm sorry, OK?

I'm s... I'm sorry.
I didn't understand
how upset you are.

It's not your fault, right?
It's my fault.

You're gonna leave me,
aren't you?

No, I could never...

I love you.

Why?

There's nothing you feel
that...

that you don't feel right down
to the bottom of yourself.

You're incredible.

I understand now
how people sometimes
want to kill their lovers...

eat their lovers,

inhale the ashes
of their dead lovers.

It's the only way
to possess another person.

My mom's gonna love you.

You want juice?
Sure.

Lizzie, listen.

I'm not gonna be able
to make it back with you
for the holidays.

There's something that
came up with my mom,
and I need to go home.

But it's the holidays.

I need you to be with me.

And I wish I could be.

I just... I can't be
in two places at once.

OK. I'll come with you.
I'll help you with your mom.

It's totally
the right thing to do.
My mom'll understand.

Your mom
just moved apartments,
Lizzie.

But I want to be with you.

But right now,
your mom needs you.

It's just... It's a really
complicated situation.

Lizzie, my mom,

she isn't real easy
with strangers, OK?

Look, I am right in the middle
of some shit here

that is not
making me happy, Lizzie.

I know. I know.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I just... I love you,
and I wanna help.

No, you are. Lizzie,
you are helping me.

Just...

Just knowing that
I'm gonna see you...

We'll have all next term
together, OK?

OK?

OK.

So he asked me to help him,
you know, to be strong for him,

and I said OK.

But I really did, you know?
I did the whole thing.

I kissed him goodbye,
I made it so easy for him,

and it actually
made it easier for me.

And we're both
really happy.

Well, that's great.

Oh!
Hi.

Wow.

Did you get everything
moved in OK?

Sure. I mean,
it's not too much.

You know, it's
a south-facing apartment.

I get light all day long.

And it's so much easier
to clean, you know?

I think
you'll like your room.

Oh, yeah.

So I'll just, you know,
put my things away.

I haven't made you
any dinner, honey.
That's OK.

I'll pay her back one day.

I swear I will.

(phone ringing)

You said that your friend...
He had a family emergency.

Oh. But he was
going to come?

Yes. He just...

He had to go back to Texas
'cause... I don't know.

His name's Rafe.

That's a nice name.

You'd really like him.
He's good-looking and kind.

And he's Jewish.
Oh!

And, you know, he works
really, really hard.

Well, maybe next time.

Yeah. He wanted to meet you.

He has a very close relationship
with his mother.

That's nice.

(piano plays
"Deck the Halls")

I gotta make a call.

Lizzie, don't. It's, like,
the tenth time today.

So?

So, so you'll drive him crazy
and piss him off.

You don't know
what you're talking about.
And fuck you for saying that.

Hello, Mrs. Stevenson?
Hi, this is Lizzie.

Lizzie.
I'm a friend of Rafe's.

Is he there?

Oh, he's busy? Well, could you
tell him it's urgent?

OK. Bye.

(hangs up)

Why won't he
pick up the phone?

I would never
do this to him.

So how is he?

I don't know. He was out.

I wonder if he lays awake
at night missing me

the way I miss him.

You ever love anybody, Ruby?

I mean really love somebody?

Are you kidding? Sure.

You think you have.
You have no idea.

I suppose that you do?

Real love is total.

It's like life or death.

Like you know you're
gonna die when you're apart,
because the need is so pure...

so complete.

All you know is sex.

Christ.

You gave me a hard time
about Sam.

You never loved Sam.
How could you?

Ach... Oh, was I mean?

You can't take it?
The happening chick
that you are.

Lizzie, I'm not crying
'cause you're mean.

I just can't imagine
how incredibly painful
it must be to be you.

Listen. I'm at the airport.

No. No, I mean I'm here
at the Austin airport.

Oh, my God. I've become
the ultimate nightmare
girlfriend.

Maybe you should
call your mom,

let her know you're OK.

I can't.

Lizzie...

Look, you remember I told you

you coming here
wasn't such a good idea?

If you loved me enough...

All right, look.

There's something
that I haven't told you about.

Oh, Christ. Don't look at me
like that, Lizzie.

Just tell me.
It's not what you think.

Bastard. Cheat bastard.

It's my sister.
It's my sister, all right?

So you're from New York
originally?

Manhattan. I grew up
on the Upper West Side.

Rafe showed me copies
of your articles.

That's quite an achievement
for a first year.

(groaning)

Ellen. Ellen. Hey. Stop.
Come on, please. Hey.

Let's eat, OK?
(groans)

You promised me.
You promised me
you'd go to bed, OK?

Good. Come on.
That's it. Come on.

Hey, come on. Come on.
(Ellen screams)

Stop it.
(Ellen groans)

Ellen, you go to bed,
and we'll go to the park
tomorrow, OK? Come on.

Come on, please.
Just... Please?

Hey, do you want to go
to the park tomorrow? Huh?

(whimpering)

(Ellen wails)

We might have to take her
to the doctor.

If this carries on
much longer,

I don't know
what we're gonna do.

What is it?

You get off on this.

What?

This does it for you.

What are you talking about?

You hid her from me.

Don't you think
there's a reason for that?

Don't you think
that tells me something?

Oh, Christ.

You're some kind
of creepy voyeur.

You like
other people's misery.

You're sick.

You're really...
You're really sick.

Tell me it's not true.
(squealing)

(Mrs. Stevenson)
Rafe, please!

I'll get the car.

(car starts)

Mom? How have you been?

How do you think I've been?

Christ, Lizzie,
don't you ever think?

I'm sorry. I just...

I had to get to
the airport right away.
I would have told you.

We've been
having some problems.

It's just been really hard,
but we're patching things up.

Yeah, he loves me.
I know he does.

It's just...

He's just got all this
weird family stuff.

And he's trying to help them
and me and...

He's got to help himself first.

And when he does,
everything's gonna be OK.

I'm sure.

I know we'll be fine.

I know that.

Do you think?

I'm no real help to you
there, Lizzie.

I know. I know.

Mom, I'm sorry
you had to move.

I know, sweetheart.

I'm going to go now, OK?

Mom?

You call me...

Mom?

...when you've...

...seen Dr. Sterling.

Mom?

Bye, honey.
Mom!

I should've listened to him.

He told me not to come here.

I'm more trouble
than I'm worth.

Well, what about your reading?

No, no.

Honey, you gotta
get some work done.

Lizzie, this isn't working.

I know, I know, I know.

As soon as I get back,
I'll get your exam schedule
for you.

No, there's no need, OK?
There's no need.

Well, then, I'll call you.

No! No calls!
No calls, OK?

(sobbing)

Look, this is not working,
all right?

This is not my life.
I don't want this anymore.

(laughing)

What do you want?

Oh, you just woke up
and decided that you wanted
to fuck freshman girls

and do lots of drugs?

Is that what you want?

Yeah.

Yeah...

that's exactly
what I want.

I want to party.
I want to have some fun.

You're the one who told me
to trust somebody.

Look what happened!

You trusting Rafe
has nothing to do...

No. All I want
is for Rafe to come back,
and you're talking about pills.

Because things
are more difficult
for you right now,

I think you could
use some help.

You said that
I was making progress.

Sometimes things
are more painful
before you feel...

You said that all this
would amount to something,

all this fucking pain!

And I am still saying that.

I can't believe
you're pushing drugs
after all of this.

I'm recommending
that you try this medication

so that you can
gain some perspective
and not spin out of control.

Lizzie, isn't that
what you want?

(Dr. Sterling)
It takes two to six weeks
before your system responds.

I know you don't feel it,

but I can see it working
already.

(phone ringing)

Your mother's been calling.
She wants to come and see you.

(man) The engine's beginning
throttling down now at 94%.

Normal throttle
for most of the flight - 104%.

The three engines
are running normally.

Three good fuel cells.
Three good APUs.

Velocity
2,257 feet per second...

Hey! Hey!
What the hell are you doing?
Nothing.

Trying to steal my purse.

(mission control)
Challenger, go at throttle up.

(pilot) Roger,
go at throttle up.

(reporter) The
space shuttle Challenger
exploded in a ball of fire

shortly after it left
the launching pad today.

(reporter #2)
...which the fragments

from the STS-51-L

(reporter)
Officials are saying
that there is no evidence

to indicate that any of
the seven astronauts...

(reporter
#3) President Reagan
is promising to continue...

(Reagan) ...honored us
with the manner in which
they lived their lives.

(reporter #4) Some material
from the scattered craft
is reported to be...

(reporter #3)
...the worst accident
in the history...

(Reagan) ...which Lincoln
called "the last best hope
of man on Earth,"

was built on heroism
and noble sacrifice.

Ruby?

Ruby?

Jesus! Lizzie, hold on,
hold on, all right?

Ruby, come on.
This is serious.

What?

My mother's been mugged.
I have to go to New York.
You've gotta come with me.

No.

Ruby, come on.
I am asking for your help.

Lizzie, I'm done helping.

You're done?

How can you...?
I can't.

I've had it. All right?
I can't do it anymore.

This has got to end.
Next week, it's just gonna
be some other crisis.

One for the road.

She refused
the intravenous Demerol.

She refuses
painkilling drugs?

Can we possibly be related?

Looks like she's gonna
be here for a few days,
but she'll be just fine.

She'll need some help
when she gets back home,
but everything will be OK.

It's scary.

For the first time,
I'm being deprived of my tears.

I don't know
what I'm doing.

I mean, let's face it,
me being here to help
is like a cruel joke.

Not even heights
freak me out anymore.

You look a lot better.

That's what everybody says.

You know, Lizzie...
(clears throat)

I'm fine.

And there's
no reason why you can't
go back up to Cambridge.

Mom,
I've spoken with the nurses,
and they say that you need...

Honey, you've got exams
coming up.

You have to have somebody
with you, even if it's
just for a few days.

I can take care of myself.
I always have.

You're not going home alone.

It's the other cupboard, Ma.

Oh, I don't know.

Grandma, I'll get it.

I don't know what
I would have done
without Lizzie here.

None of this
would have happened...

Shh, Ma, don't say that.

...if it hadn't
been for her.

They're gone.

Yeah.

I didn't really feel like
saying goodbye.

After all this time,
I never asked you about Rafe.

Well, that's over.

He... He never wants
to see me again.

You know,
when Donald left me...

...it seemed so incredible.

I just couldn't believe it.

I think I just forgot
about you, Lizzie.

You know?

You were just a child.

So little.

But you needed me.

And that forced me
to pay attention again.

You know what I mean?

I had to take care of you.

And in a way,
you brought me back to life,

and you became
everything for me.

I was so wrapped up in you.

But, God, you were so full
of promise, Lizzie,

and I wanted so much for you
in your life.

And I couldn't see
that it wasn't good for you.

You just...

You know, you wanted me
to be everything,

and I can't be.

I can't be.

Look, Lizzie.

You don't have to be
anything for me.

You don't have to be
well for me.

You understand?

You don't have to pretend.

I'm gonna be OK, Mom.

I'll be OK.

I promise.

I'll be OK.

And there's a reason.

I call this the crackhouse
where I come to score.

Dr. Sterling is my dealer.

Seems like everyone's doctor
is dealing this stuff now.

Sometimes it feels like
we're all living in
a Prozac nation -

the United States
of Depression.

I don't know
who I am anymore.

I have this personality,

and it's fucked up,
but it's me.

And I see myself
becoming this person
who does the right thing,

who says the right thing,
but that's not me.

You feel different, don't you?
Of course I feel different.

I'm on medication.
That's the whole point,
isn't it?

Yeah, that was the point.

You're not comfortable with
who this new person is yet.

But I can't be this person
without taking pills.

The pills are giving you
breathing space.

This feels like everything's
just being covered up.

I recommend that you
stay on the medication,
but it's not my choice.

It's your choice.

Do you want to
get off the pills?

Oh, sweetheart, come here.
Come here. It's OK.

It's OK.

(sobbing)

If only my life could be
more like the movies.

I want an angel
to swoop down to me

like he does to Jimmy Stewart
in It's a Wonderful Life

and talk me out of suicide.

I've always waited
for that one moment of truth

to set me free
and change my life forever,

but he won't come.

It doesn't happen that way.

All the drugs,
all the therapy,

fights, anger, guilt,
Rafe, suicidal thoughts,

all of that was part of
some slow recovery process.

The same way I went down,
I came back up -

gradually and then suddenly.

The pills weren't a cure-all,
God knows,

but they gave me
breathing space

which allowed me
to start writing again,

only this time,
it wasn't as if my life
depended on it.

*Love

*Is a thousand churches
burning*

*Love

*Is a frozen heart
left yearning*

*For blood

*'Cause nothing
comes for free*

*If I survive another fall

*You can take
what's left of me*

*Love

*Is a handsome scar
left hurting*

*And love

*Is a broken engine turning

*And turning

*Searching for a spark

*If you can find me
in the dark*

*You can take
what's left of me*

*We are holy whores

*We're walking wounded
over distant shores*

*Only love will comfort me

*Only love can comfort me

*'Cause love is heat

*Love is cold

*Love is peace

*Love is war

*So if you find me
on the floor*

*You can keep
what's left of me

*You can keep
what's left of*

*You can keep
what's left of*

*You can keep
what's left of me*