Original subtitles

A Royal Air Force bomber No. 261 Squadron...

Is flying over Germany on a night mission codenamed

"TEA FOR TWO"

- Right. To the right. - Right, right.

- Steady. Steady! - Roger.

Turning, turning.

Go!

- Bombs are off! - Roger.

(The Great Stroll) US: Don't Look Now... We're Being Shot At!

- Are you hurt, Majors? - No, are you?

Are you all right, Sir?

I'm all right, but, that bloody engine's been scotched.

One engine's gone, with wireless blown up.

How are we going to make it back to England?

Bloody tune! Peter, come up here, will you?

Roger.

Where the bloody hell are we?

Right here, Sir.

No, seriously, where are we?

We should be right off Calais, Sir. - Calais!

Calais?

Alarm! Air alarm! Combat stations, everyone. [GER]

Enemy aircraft, incoming. Prepare to fire.

Fire at will!

Tail's on fire! Tail is on fire, Sir! [ENG]

Pilot to crew, pilot to crew: get ready to bail out!

- OK, let's go! - Aferwards Sir, where do we rendez-vous?

- What? - Rendez-vous!

Oh, yes, the Turkish Baths. Remember I told you about them?

- Near Austerlitz Station, eh? - Good show! First in, ducky!

Another chute! [GER]

Three parachutes.

What the..?

Hello. Water's nippy this morning, isn't it? [FRE]

M-hm...

Quick, quick, come!

Take my hand. Take my hand, quick!

Do it quick!

- Thank you. - American?

No, English.

Hurry, the zoo opens in 3 min. The Krauts are everywhere.

You'll get yourself arrested, and me too.

Give me the parachute.

Get all your things. Come, come!

♪ La la la, hmm...

Get back up! Go back!

This guy won't quit till my skull's cracked!

Achtung! Shoulder rifles! [GER]

Present arms!

Eyes right.

All set Herr Obergruppenführer.

1st Troop, SS Section 12...

Er... Excuse me.

Sabotage! Get me that man!

Did I stain your uniform?

This is a misunderstanding.

I think we'd better get the hell out of here![ENG]

- No way. - It's your funeral.

On the scaffold. Fire at will!

- Help! - I'm coming.

Cease fire!

Search the building and take them alive. Schnell! Schnell!

Search the building.

Schnell! Schnell!

What a spot to land in!

- Oh, you're injured! - It's nothing.

That's high!

Thank you, messieurs, that was very good. VERY good!

For me, too.

You were good, over there.

You were goo... well, comme-ci comme-ca.

You two: we didn't hear you. We never hear you.

You never stop chattering Watch your step! Watch it, huh?

I have a personal concept of this work.

And this is not triumphal enough. I mean, pride, goddamit!

♪ Pa-pa-pum pa-pam pa... Tchanng!

♪ Pa-pa-pum pa-pam pa... goddammit!

What's this 'nyi-nyi-nyi'? That's just pap!

It's not just bad, it's 'VERY' bad. Voila!

Take it from 17... Hup!

No messieurs! More chatter?! Tongues always wagging!

Keep up with the rest of us!

Bloody chatterboxes, goddamit!

Take it from 17 again.

Who did that?

Me, Maestro.

- Where do you think you are? - At the Opera, Maestro.

Amusing. GET OUT!

Mephisto, Marguerite, Faust, out!

I don't want anybody in the room when I'm working!

Only Berlioz and 'MOI'. Voila!

Hey, you! Less noise, please.

Excuse us, monsieur Lefort.

From 17.

Messieurs, more sonorous. It's still tinny.

The flash before the lightning.

- Not coming, snookums? - Sure, I'll join you in a instant.

- Bébert, the plastic explosive? - Here.

The wires... Make sure nobody's outside.

Fill in the gap.

If you keep making noise, Lefort will poke his nose in our business.

- All done? - All wrapped up and ready to blow.

One flower is sticking out.

Don't touch, it's wired to detonate!

It could blow the whole thing.

Achtung! Silence! [GER]

Search everywhere!

Lights! [FRE]

Everyone stay here!

Leaving is verboten! "Defendu!"

An English parachutist is here in the opera house.

Verboten to give assistance on pain of death!

- Achbach. - Stanislas Lefort.

Herr Kapellmeister, over Paris, we have shot down: British bomber.

Two aviators: prisoners, one, here, is hiding.

It upsets me to stop the music.

You hear that?

Messieurs, it's over.

Our rehearsal has been reduced to 12 minutes

by the force of machine-guns.

Tonight's will be one hell of a performance!

Take that... that... that... and that!

Coming through.

What gall! Stopping a rehearsal.

- Don't move! - What did you say?

- Ne bougez pas! - Yes.

- Ça va? - Yes. - All right? - Yes, yes.

Follow me, follow me. Suivez-moi.

- Come, come. - Right-o

[GER]

[GER]

[GER]

I'm English and I'm wounded.

I'm French... The Germans... I beg you.

Scneller, scneller! [GER]

I'm fed up! I've had it, up to here!

Open up!

Want us to break your door down?

Alright, alright, I'm coming!

- Oh, pardon me, messieurs. - General search!

Me too, I've had it!

Shut up, you pain in the ass!

Can't you see we have visitors?

Never mind her, messieurs, would you come in?

You're lucky, your wives are far away.

Hey, you, soldier, while you're there,

take this suitcase and put it on the bed.

I'm getting, the hell, out! Raus!

Stop it. Can't you see you're making a spectacle of yourself?

I will not stay one more minute with this cretin!

Wait till they're gone. I'll give you one...

- No one on the balcony, Sergeant. - Nothing to report, Sergeant.

Oh... oh.

Let's get outta here! Raus!

Let's go upstairs.

I'm sorry... terribly sorry.

[GER]

They're upstairs. Quick.

If the elevator goes up to 6,

the Englishman will be crushed against the roof.

Wait.

Can you help me up?

You're too heavy.

It's always the same ones who leave the doors open.

- I lost it. - What? - The key.

I always put it under the mat but...

Hurry!

It's nothing, nothing.

Thank you, it was hell.

Thank you.

Peter Cunningham, Royal Air Force

Augustin Bouvet, Painting and Restorations.

Bury this right away. Dangerous.

Hah, I have a wife and 6 kids.

This'll make shirts for them till the end of the war.

- Shirts... - Oh, ahah-hah! - Yes.

Thank you.

Hey, mister, mister!

The mustache... Dangerous!

Alright, they're gone. There's no one on the street.

We'll leave too. I'll try to bring him to my place.

- Your place? - Where do you suggest?

- The Germans must be there, already! - At my place?

- Do you have a telephone? - Yes, Clignancourt 1335. - Wait.

It won't answer. I'm not there, I'm here.

Hello.

Hello? Monsieur Augustin Bouvet, please.

Speaking.

He's lying, he's not me.

What has happened?

The Germans are in my home.

I am sorry. I'm responsible for all this terrible mess.

Without you we'd have gone home and be done for.

Oh, what a mess! What a mess!

What will I do now?

I'm sorry but I must be going.

I have to go to the Turkish Baths.

- What?! - What'd he say?

He wants to go to the Turkish Baths, now.

No, you're clean You are very clean. Alright.

No you don't understand. No.

Our Squadron Leader gave us rendez-vous

at the Paris Mosque.

He has a rendez-vous with his pals at the Turkish Baths. - Yes.

There's an English idea for you: the Turkish Baths!

Plus, he's wounded, and not speaking French!

He won't get 10 metres before he's arrested.

Fine... I'll go.

I-I-go to your Turkish Bath.

You? You're going to...? Oh, you're wonderful!

I'll find him clothing.

- We'll meet at my grandfather's place - What's the address?

He owns The Puppet Theatre on Champs-Elysees. And I work with him.

How I recognize your 'Escadron' Leader?

Ah, yes, yes, well, he's got an enormous mustache.

- And the signal is, Tea for Two. - "Tea for Two"?

- Yes, i-it's a song, you know. - Song? Ah, oui.

- ♪ Tea for two - ♪ Tea for two

♪ and two for tea,

♪ Me for you and you for me.

♪ La la-la la-laaaa...

Still, it's dangerous.

- What? - It is very dangerous.

Check here.

Search here.

I'll check in here.

ENTREZ!

Fa, Fa... Now in Do.

No. No, tiggy-diggy-diggy-di...

Quick, quick, like the birds.

Tweet-tweet-tweet, Goddamit!!

No, up-stroke, by stroking upwards! What, now?

Pardon!

This time I won't stop the music. Continue. Tiggy-diggy-diggy-di

This time I'll stop the music!

What are you looking for? Your Englishman?

- It's not me. - Nein. - It's not him. - Nein!

Come with me.

Come, come, right here.

- He's not here? - Good.

- Not here? - Yes, I see, fine.

- Not here! - Calm down, Herr Kapellmeister. (maestro)

Before, you stopped rehearsals with my orchestra.

Now, you stop me working with my student.

- Excusez-moi! Excusez... - Yeah, you're excused.

C'mere. He's not here, alright?

He's not there, anymore.

And here, what's in here?

Permit me!

Ach, so!

Black Market!

Eh, no. It's for the 'entr'acte'.

During the intermission, I always get hungry.

My stomach goes like this...

So I need to eat. That's why I keep provisions.

Big crook!

No, little crook.

- Wollen Sie? - Nein, nein, Herr Kapellmeister.

- Excuse me, Herr Kapellmeister. - Ja.

I wish you, a successful performance, tonight,

despite the interrupted rehearsal.

- Auf Wiedersehen. - Oui.

Thank you, so much, sir.

Ah! Now, let's resume lesson Number 4.

- Ah, let's see now... - Sir, there's something I...

No talking allowed, especially speaking.

- Be quiet. - But, it's important.

Quiet! Sit on the stool, here!

- We're going to do a bit of music theory. - Let me talk. - Shh!!

You must go to the Turkish Baths.

I gotta go to the Turkish Baths?!

Look in here.

My name is MacIntosh.

- Me: MacIntosh. - You: MacIntosh, yeah.

- And the signal is "Tea for two". - The signal...

♪ ♪ ♪...

No, don't whistle that!

- Is an American song! - Yes. - Is verboten, ici.

So it goes like this: ♪ Da, da-da, da-da...

Shhh!!

Hold on, explain me this.

If I go to the Turkish Baths, I risk,

- I risk 'enormement'. - Yes.

But, if you, you go out (sortez) the Germans (les allemands)

They'll nab you and crrk, crrk, crrk... you'll talk,

- and I risk even more. - Yes.

Donc, I risk on the two tableaux, - Yes.

- Is 'yes' all you can say? - Yes. - Apparently, so.

OK, listen. Do you promise me, 'que' if I bring 'ici'

- le big mustache, you 'partez avec lui'? - Yes.

- 'Definitivement?' - Yes. - Fine.

'Alors', I accept to go to the Turkish Bath,

I accept the mustache, I accept 'tout'...

'Et puis' you... attendez.

- You, you go 'la dedans' - No, I... - You go 'la dedans'!

- I can't breathe in... - 'La dedans', immediately! Voila!

Don't move! 'Je reviens', I come back.

Wait and see, please!

♪ Tea for two and two for tea,

♪ Me and you and you and me.

♪ ♪ ♪...

♪ Tee dee-dee, dee-dee...

♪ Mm hm-hm, hm-hm...

♪ Mm hm-hm, hm-hm...

♪ Tea for two and two for tea,

♪ And you and me, and me and you.

- Are you? - You are?

Yes.

- Happy. - Glad.

Where is big mustache?

I don't know.

And if you don't know, I don't know, no?

I don't understand.

You come with me to pick up Peter?

No, YOU, you come with me to pick up MacIntosh.

- No, no. You, you, you... - I beg your pardon?

And if you don't come I...

- Ah, merde alors! how do you say? - Waddaya mean, 'merde alors'?

But, 'alors', you are French?

- Hm? You are not English? - No.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪...

Gentlemen, excusez-moi.

I overheard you.

You were talking of MacIntosh and Peter, right?

No no no.

Oh, no-no, I dunno what you're talking about.

I'm looking for a friend, who's lost in the fog.

- In the fog. - Yes...

Have you met him by chance?

- He has a big mustache. - Big mustache.

Yes! I'm big m... I WAS big mustache.

I had to cut it off. Trop dangerous.

Too English. Trop anglais.

Follow me.

He has the right accent. I think we can follow him.

Did you check the attic? Under the stage?

Herr Kapellmeister, are you there?

Herr Kapellmeister!

Herr Kapellmeister!

Open this door, now! Scnell!

Herr Major, look!

Aha!

Herr Major, the window!

Quick after him. You too!

Put that back in the drawer and get lost.

Ja... ja, ja...

Nobody here, Herr Kapellmeister?

I'm waiting for you...

The Opera House. Quick, quick!

Coming.

Perfect.

Are you crazy?

Stealing German uniforms in mid occupation!

Please...

Necessary for operation MacIntosh tonight at the Opera House.

Nothing doing, it's too dangerous

I don't want to, understand?

I do not want to.

What's this guy getting me into?

Mr. MacIntosh?

Its me. I have good news for you.

I have good news for you.

Me too.

- Aah! - Hah!

Where is the Englishman?

- Well? - Ich bin sick. - You're not sick!

Was it him?

No, that's a harp.

- Where is the Englishman? - Any Englishmen around here?

Out with it!

Um, er... ah,...

- Your explanation does not satisfy me! - But it's clear!

I'm Wehrmacht, not Gestapo, Herr Kapellmeister

But if you don't talk, I'll gladly refer you to

a department which has ways of making you talk.

Naturally.

After tonight's gala, you'll conduct for our Obergruppenfuhrer.

Until then, Herr Kapellmeister, you are my prisoner.

In the name of the law, I arrest you, Madame Crook.

You have no right to arrest me. Isn't that so, children?

NOOO!

If Guignol was here, He would save me.

He won't come.

Help me call him, children. Guignol...

Guignol, Guignol.

Some nerve, going around as German officers.

What if a cop asks for our papers?

You are talking too loudly. She can hear.

Oh, she's 3 years old.

You're right, she's looking at me.

Two Germans at the back.

- Augustin! - Our Squadron Leader!

Fortunately, General AUGUSTIN will come to my rescue.

Help me call him, children. Augustin...

AUGUSTIN, AUGUSTIN...

- Sir, Reginald! Ohh... - Peter, what's the matter?

Er... Nothing, sir. Nothing, I'm all right.

But, what happened to you? Your 'tash?

Oh, yes... I had to prune it.

Didn't seem to go well with the uniform.

You're vey smart.

Messieurs, it's a great day for me.

Two English aviators!

And a French hero!

My granddaughter spoke of you and your great courage.

Really? You spoke of me to your family?

How about her? She was marvellous.

I'm not surprised.

Messieurs, my noble theatre makes a poor refuge.

But, Juliette and I can help you leave Paris.

Splendid!

If we can get to the 'Zone Libre', we're sure to make it back to England.

England? I don't wanna go to England!

Go with them. It's safer for you.

She's right, 'Augustine'.

- Got your map, Peter? - Yes, sir.

Thank you.

Et voila, la belle France!

To recap: tomorrow morning 8:05, Gare de Lyon,

you take the train for Burgundy.

When you get to Meursault,

go directly to the Hotel du Globe.

No need to take notes. My granddaughter will take you.

Jolly good!

You're coming too? Of course, the adventure continues.

It's fascinating, Augustin.

In a sense, yes.

Thank you. Thank you all, very much!

But first I must go get my friend, MacIntosh, tonight at the Opera.

The Opera! Oh!

With that arm you'd better stay here.

You come with me, 'Augustine'.

Err... the thing is...

All right, I'll go.

It'll be quick: we enter, pick up MacIntosh, we exit, and...

'piss off'?

(Get your opera programmes here...)

We have to get backstage.

Herr General, wir spurtzu suchen gerad' starten, gesente oeupf!

Eh? Oh, ja, ja, ja...

'Barton mozieur, vhere isst ze packstage?'

Backstage? End of the corridor, on your left.

Danke.

First floor, Herr General, please.

This way.

ACHTUNG!

- Poor Lefort! - What do we do now? Cancel?

Too late.

Too bad for Lefort. Let's go.

Thank you. Thank you.

Follow me.

In 30 seconds...

5, 4...

Zero.

Shit. It failed.

This time, it wasn't me!

Don't speak French silly!

Block the exits. Arrest those resposible.

Halt. Halt!

That way.

Das ist der entr'acte...

Tragt und... mit der entr'acte sind fut pelig

diese entr'acte

bisher entr'acte

It wasn't me, it wasn't me!

- It's me! It's me! - Me too. It's me!

Well, then, it's me.

- Pretend you're our prisoner. - Yes.

- What'd he say? - Pretend you're our prisoner.

Achtung! Schnell! Raus! Vorwart!

I want men on all the exits!

Move, you lazy sods!

No, no, go left.

- Oh! - Shh!

[GER]

[GER]

- Sir! - MacIntosh?

Marvelous!

Is this the descent into Hell?

No, at the bottom of these steps flows 'la Grande-Bateliére',

the underground river under the Opera.

- Where does it lead? - According to Victor Hugo, nowhere.

You stay here guard the top, the rest come with me!

What's this, here?

You, that way! Schnell! 1, 2, 3, 4, turn right!

Whatever! Just hurry!

May God keep you.

You'll catch cold with that cue-ball for a head. You want my cap?

Leave me, the hell, alone and row!

I say! Easy on those bass notes!

Germans?

No,... the metro.

Just a minute.

- Perhaps we can get out, here. - What?

- 'Get out', there. - Ah, 'get out'. Right.

Come on, hurry.

We can't go out, dressed as we are,

we'll all be caught.

Hang on a second.

- MacIntosh. - Sir?

Would you mind standing to attention?

Ah...

Ahah...

- Sir, what are you doing to me? - Oh don't be so girlish, MacIntosh.

- Et, voila! - Voila, what?

- Who are you? - Don't worry.

We won't harm you.

Lemme go. Hey, my wallet!

- What time is it? - 8:04.

Come on.

(Train No. 121, destination: Sens, Dijon, )

(Chalons sur Saône, Lyon...)

Pardon me, was this the train for Chalons-sur-Saone?

- Yup. - When's the next one?

Dunno, ask at 'Information'.

Look, a police cordon. Must be something serious.

Papiere, bitte.

Halt! Tickets.

Tickets.

Halt! What have you got there?

- Postal Service. - OK, Post. Ja, gut.

Zut, alors!

Don't waste your breath. It's out of gas.

- What now? - No more petrol.

- Push the car over there. - Push?

- Hide it, hide it! - Ah, hide. All right, push!

OK... PUSH, YOU!

Don't speak to me in that tone of voice, please!

- Would you mind pushing, maestro? - Voila! That's better.

Easy, easy...

Easy, down there...

Stop, stop.

And now, my friends, we'll distribute our ration tickets.

- Got yours, MacIntosh? - Yes, sir.

French ticket, printed in London.

- For eats. - Yeah.

- And French money. - Not printed in London.

For you. For us.

Well, it's alovely day for a walk. Come on MacIntosh.

Jogging, 'Augustine'.

Augustine! Why must he call me Augustine?

I didnt get any. HEY, I didnt get any!

Wait a second!

I'm short, one.

- You figure?! - Yes.

- Wait for me, goddamit! - Well, hurry up!

- My feet are swollen! - Swollen feet, now?!

You've no idea...

HEY!

Oh la-la!

Hey!

Leave me, the hell, alone! My foot is enormous!

Come on, let's hit the road. Get up... Stanislas.

I'll have none of this familiarity. Please, NO FAMILIARITY!

Don't imagine you can make ME march by waving your baton!

Look, my dear fellow. We're not of the same world.

Between us, there will always be, this...

Give me your hand. Give me your hand!

Get a load of this swell-headed, cue-ball!

Watch it... Be very careful.

- Fine. Fine! - Wait for me...

Nice chaps, those Froggies.

I think the small one's rather full of beans.

Yes, he is a bit noisy, isn't he?

Look over there!

Let's go, MacIntosh.

We'll be back!

What'd he say? Look, they're pissing off, and dumping us!

I'd have never believed that, of them!

What'll become of us?

Don't worry, we'll keep walking.

We'll get out of this, all the same, messieurs!

Put on your shoes.

- Lean on my arm. - No, this is better.

See, that? THAT's the English!

- I'm surprised, they were rather nice- - Rather nice?!

Did you have an English nurse?

Look at that lovely thing, over there!

The nun, sir?

Bloddy fool, the car!

- Good show, Mac. - Thank you, sir.

- Where do we go, now? - Pick up the French. Miss them already...

Thief! Thief!

We're English! Nous sommes des anglais!

Aviateur anglais! Aviateur anglais, Royal Air Force!

Royal Air Force?

Obviously your shoes are no good for long marches.

Since you offer, so kindly, I accept.

- What? - To lend me your shoes.

- What's your shoe size? - Same as you.

All right.

Ah, that's better!

- Wait for me, at least. - Come on!

- I need to break them in. - Come on, come on, dammit.

- Oh! The Germans! - No... - Yes, it is!

I say!

Fortunately you have quick reflexes.

- Thank you. - Never mind.

- No, really, thank you. - Come off it.

- The Englishmen! - What about them?

- They'll get caught! - Yeah, you're right.

They should've stayed with us

Hup. Let's go.

Wait, let me return your shoes.

I'm afraid of stretching them.

Ah, you're wrecking them.

- My shoes fit you, OK? - Yeah, a bit large.

Well, excuse me.

- Are you coming? - Yeah...

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!

Who'd you steal this truck from?

- From me. 'Morning, messieurs. - Good morning, Sister.

Let's hurry. I'm expected at the Beaune Hospice.

- Yes, yes... - Get in. - Quickly, quickly.

Allez!

Ah, merci!

Pass the salt please, monsieur.

Merci.

It needs pepper too.

Ah, la France...

"Etoile de la mer Star of the sea.

"voici le lourde nappe It is the thick blanket

"et la profonde houle and deep welling up

"et I'océan des blé's" of an ocean of wheat

Charles Péguy. Admirable poet, isn't he?

You see, I know your language well.

Danke.

I'm so sorry.

(Hallo, ja...)

- What is it? - For you, Herr Major.

Achbach.

What's that you say? Really?...

Wonderful! Great!

We checked everyone on the train. He was the only Englishman.

I'm absolutely certain he had no companion. He was alone.

Good. Increase surveillance in the whole area.

Ja.

Jawohl, Herr Major.

Where's the nearest (HQ) Kommandantur? Meursault?

Send him there right away.

Meursault... Ja!

Meursault. I'll be there tonight.

Oh!

Might be wiser to do a u-turn.

Sorry chaps, can't go back, now.

- OK, Mac? - OK.

Papiere, bitte. Oh!

[GER]

Oh, Scheisse!

Throw the pumpkins at them! Go MacIntosh.

- What'd he say? - To throw pumpkins at them.

Allez!

Ow, ow!

Do you think my head looks like a pumpkin?!

Bowling!

Don't push, you'll throw me off this heap!

KEEP RIGHT! We're not in England!

Gimme a pumpkin, quick!

There's no more, we're out of ammunition!

Got him!

- It's Meursault. - Don't tell me. I can see!

Now we have to find I'Hotel du Globe'. And you can't see that.

You're such a bore! Give me a push.

No, the saddle.

Don't forget the brakes. Otherwise you'll roll backwards.

What's the matter? Why all this racket?

My chain popped off.

Hold this for me. I'll fix that.

You are a clumsy oaf!

Look, here...

To go faster, you take mine which doesn't work

and I'll ride yours.

- Allez! - Hang on!

It's the second time you've done this. First my shoes, now my bike.

- Yeah, so? t's normal, no? - Ah, well, excuse me.

- Anyway, why is it normal? - It's normal, because...

Because I'm a manual worker, no doubt?

- Yes, exactly, voila! - Very well

But you know, It's not your fault.

This arrangement won't last.

I'm fed up of traveling with a guy like you. Piss off!

You wanted to dump me, and now you've found a pretext.

Egoist!

- And it's all your fault. - My fault?

We shouldn't run errands for the English.

They stayed with the Sisters and should've stayed, too!

They certainly couldn't go fetch Peter!

I don't give a fuck about Peter! And neither do you! - What?!

You dragged me here for that puppet theatre girl!

- Oh, please! - The puppet girl!

I forbid you to talk about the puppet theatre girl!

Anyway, I've had it up to here! You're on your own!

- I never want to see you again! - Suits me.

Quick! Hurry!

Thank you.

Quiet!

- But... - All right!

Nobody here. You got a match?

I got nothing.

Ahh!

♪ Hoch sol er leben Hoch sol er leben

♪ Drei Mal hoch

♪ Hoch! Hoch! Hoch!

Is this any time for you two to show up?!

We've been waiting for hours!

And drunk again, of course!

Huh?

- Excuse my husband, General. - Mine, too, General.

Hop to it! In the kitchen!

There are dishes waiting! Hooligans! C'mere!

NEIN!

My birthday. Champagne for these men!

Wife: never be boss. Husband: wears pants!

Even if pants: too big.

Prosit!

To health!

Your health!

Comrades, we're riding to?... Kameraden, wir reiten eine?

Attacke!

Squadron, mount up! Ganze Schwadron aufgesessen!

Musik!

♪ Ein Jäger aus Kurpfalz der reitet durch den grünen Wald;

♪ er schiesst das Wild daher gleich wie es ihm gefüllt.

♪ Trara, trara Gar lustig is die Jägerei

♪ allhier auf grüner Heid, allhier auf grüner Heid.

♪ Trara, trara Gar lustig is die Jägerei

♪ allhier auf grüner Heid, allhier auf grüner Heid.

♪ Trara, trara Gar lustig is die Jägerei

♪ allhier auf grüner Heid, allhier auf grüner Heid.

How do I get to the Hotel du Globe?

- Straight ahead, Herr Major. - Danke... Drive on.

This is it. Number 6.

Sorry messieurs, but you'll have to sleep in the same bed.

- Impossible! - Yup. - In the same bed?!

- During wartime, you know... - Oh, leave me alone!

- It's all part of the horrors of war. - Leave me alone, I said!

- What? - Please, move over.

- Augustin, help me. - With pleasure, Juliette.

We were losing hope we'd ever see you, here.

They're going over the region with a fine tooth comb.

No doubt, because of Peter's arrest.

Peter arrested? That's terrible!

What about us? What do we do? What'll become of us? - Shh!

Tomorrow, at dawn

I'll get you into the Zone Libre♪ by my escape line. (free zone)

There, you'ill meet up with your English friends.

What's that?

Curfew.

They cut the electricity.

- Who's knocking? - It's downstairs.

Don't move.

Yes?

Room: requisitioned, from Paris, Fraulein.

Coming, messieurs.

- Maybe it's for us. - Huh?

No it's for me, a requisition.

Good night. Rest up.

You'll sleep well, I'm a nitpicker for comfortable bedding.

I'll wake you at 5 am. Coming, Juliette?

Excuse the wait, messieurs.

If you'd care to come in...

Good night Juliette.

I wanted to say... I'm happy to be here.

Very kind of you Augustin...

Get in, quick!

Sorry, messieurs, but the hotel is full.

I could only reserve a single room with one large bed. Number 9.

- That's war, for you, madame! - Yeah, right.

You have small sink here, messieurs.

But, if you want to shower, it's at the end of the hall, on your right.

- Thanks. - You will sleep well.

Schlafen sie gut.

I'm a nitpicker for good bedding.

- You pick nits?! - Yes, I nitpick over the bedding. Er...

- Allow me...? - Oh pardon.

Messieurs.

Come on!

- I'll never get used to this. - Sure you will, don't make a fuss.

Little Stanislas will be snug as a bug, huh?

Don't make fun. Please.

- The blanket... - Pardon me.

- You're not married? - No.

Me, neither. But...

it won't be long. Because, Juliette...

War has its advantages.

By the way, I wanted to ask you...

What do you think of me, physically?

It's late, we need to sleep. C'mon.

OK, good night.

Oh! I forgot to tell you...

I snore.

But it's ok. Just whistle and I'll stop.

I don't intend to whistle all night long!

What is it? Are you upset?

It's the entr'acte. It's intermission time.

My stomach's tied up in knots. Like this... So, I have to eat.

Are you crazy? You can eat tomorrow morning!

The hotel is full of Germans!

Am I married to the innkeeper, or not?

Keep this closed.

And aren't I Juliette's husband?

♪ Tee-dee, doo, lala, lali...

♪ Cuckoo!

- Stuermer! - Jawohl, Herr Major?

Go fetch some food while I take a shower.

Jawohl, Herr Major!

During the war, a house painter...

a charming man...

met a ravishing blonde.

She passed him off as her husband

to save his life.

Today, the war is over.

Victory is ours.

So, of course, we kiss...

Augustin?

Yes, yes... I missed my mark.

The war ISN'T over, Augustin.

You really think we should wait for victory?

We should definitely go to sleep. For real, this time.

- What is it? - Oh, pardon, monsieur.

Mmm... hmm!

One more, here.

And one more, here.

Mm!

Hmm! All right...

Lieutenant Stuermer.

Pardon me sir. Who are you?

- Whaa...? - Who are you?

Ich bin the Innkeeper's husband.

Ich bin the Maitre d'. And Ich...

- The boss? - Not boss.

- Husband of boss lady. - Ah! Bossy lady, ja.

Komestibles, here?...

Essen? Eat?

No, nothing to eat. Nothing left. Nothing at all!

Und that?

Ah, yes, I forgot. It's comestible, yes. - Komestible?

But, it's a German officer?

A German officer? Really?

Reminds me of mein General.

Oh, it's dein General? But...

Komestible. Gut, gut General. Mmm....

Wollen sie a little bit?

No-no-no! I... I...

I, not essen German officers.

But, it's gut.

Kannibale?

Gute nacht, mein Herr. ('Night, sir)

Aahh!

Thank you for reserving snack for my officer.

Little liar.

Herr Major, your food.

Huh? What a nice gesture!

Thanks Stanislas.

Ah... How are we today?

How about a smile? Yes, that's better.

Continue the treatment for 48 hours.

Then... reduce it progressively.

Are you comfortable here?

Stop sulking. Right now, it's better to be sick, in here,

than, healthy anywhere else.

Next!

Well, well, a new one!

So, what's ailing you my son?

Oh, this man looks dreadful!

Sit up!

Show me your tongue.

Your tongue!

White tongue, yellow eyes, red nose: it's the liver!

- Oi! - Did that hurt?

It's the liver.

You like things that taste good?

They're very bad!

Sit up.

Say: "trente trois"! (33)

Trente trois!

Trente trois!

Well?

Thirty three.

Thirty three. Thirty three.

Yes, yes...

I admitted these two emergency cases, doctor.

This one and the next one.

Only one remedy: a change of air. Immediately!

Right away, doctor.

But, look here, pal,

you will, nevertheless, need to watch that liver!

Ah, my favourite medicine!

Juliette get up. Prepare the coffee.

Be right down.

Wake up, it's time!

Who gets up at this hour, I'd like to know! Coming!

- Ja, what is it? - Oh, I beg your pardon.

Excuse me, I...

I got the wrong room.

They're all crazy in this hotel, Stuermer!

- Right? - Ja.

Wake up, it's 5 o'clock.

What? It's 5 o'clock!

These people are insane!

- Ja, what is it? - Excuse me, wrong room.

5 o'clock! Are you crazy?

No noise! Major: tired, sleeping.

What are you doing here?

Allez, Cleo. Come, puppies!

Mine's passable, but yours...

Your helmet.

And yours.

Your Feldgendarmerie badges. (military police)

Your rifle.

Careful they're loaded.

Juliette, open the door.

They'll guide you across.

They know the way as well as any homing pigeon.

Come nearer, they don't bite.

With my dogs and uniforms, you're the patrol.

What if we meet the real patrol?

They'll take you for another patrol.

Come.

Don't let go of their leash.

It happened before and the men got lost.

- Good-bye Juliette. - Good-bye.

- Going back to Paris? - Yes.

Back to the puppet theater.

No more General Augustin.

No. But he promised he'd come see me, afterwards.

About that, I wanted to tell you...

- There's a wall. What do we do? - Dunno.

They don't know where to go. They're confused too.

Hold both leashes.

I'll scale the wall and get them on the other side.

- They'll bite me. - They can't from that side!

Don't move, eh?

- What are you doing? - I'm over.

Climb over the wall.

Ow! Hey, I'm here!

- Hey! - Huh? - Help me get down.

I can't, I have the dogs!

- Come closer. - Huh? - Come closer.

- Stop, stop. - Why do you want them to stop?

So, you can get down.

We're doing fine like this.

Hey! You don't really think I'm gonna piggy-back you all the way?

Let's not waste time chatting. Let's go.

This is the third time you've done this.

My shoes, my bicycle...

- Yes, what is it? - Go left, there.

- You think it's this way? - Yes. - All right

You're darned heavy for your size.

Hey, hey, hey!

Wait for me!

Goddammit!

Goddammit!

Where has he gone?

Oh, come back, come!

Komm, komm!

Ja.

Ja, ja!

Stanislas!

Stanislas!

Stanislas!

Stanislas!

I'm here.

You saved my life again.

I want to thank you.

Yeah, but, we have no dogs. We're lost.

Dammit, I can't take this, anymore.

I'm tired.

Look, If we stay here, we'll get caught.

- So, what? - No, come on.

No, I'm staying here.

Come on...

Piss off, eh?

This guy's getting me down!

I wanna go back to Paris,

- back to my work. - You'll get back there again.

- No. - Sure you will.

- No. - YOU WILL!

My brushes... My brand new, bristle brushes.

Tomorrow, I'll buy you a big box of flat brushes. Let's go.

No, I need round ones. You don't know anything.

You can come to the shop we'll pick them out together. Let's go.

Oh, no, no...

What about my paint?

We'll buy 3 pails, in the same shop. Come on.

If Juliette were here, she'd know.

But, I'M here! Look.

It's not the same thing.

You'll see your puppet girl again, huh?

Kwa kaa pow pow paf ta-ta-ta!

Don't make fun of her, or you'll have to deal with me!

Excuse me. Feeling better?

I might need another one.

OK?

Say, don't you want one too, hm?

- No, not at all. - You'll get one anyway!

Take that!

Shh!

First, we go to the Kommandantur. (H.Q.)

I'm delivering the 2 barrels of wine behind you.

- And they'll renew my 'Ausweiss' - 'Ausweiss'. What's that?

It is a pass to get into the free zone.

What if they refuse?

It's never happened. They like our wine too much.

And right, they are!

Then, we'll cross the demarcation line.

Hide, we're approaching.

They're arresting each other, now.

Things can't be going too well.

- Achbach. - Von Korf.

Please use my office.

I'll have the Englander, here, soon. - Danke.

Bring the Englander down.

Komm! Raus!

Schnell!

- Hello, messieurs. How are you? - Guten tag, Zister.

I bring wine for colonel Von Schmertz.

Ach, Zister, sehr gut!

Four barrels!

No, only two... Zwei!

This one and that one. Das und das.

Did you understand?

Jawohl, Zister. Rudy, Zwick, Ludwig!...

Ausweiss, Zister?

Komm, Schwester. Komm.

Bitte.

Nein! Das und das.

- Bitte. - Voila, Zister.

Thanks.

Both of you, Halt!

About face!

- What? - Turn around!

Vorwarts, marsch!

Platoon, Halt!

Wegtreten! (Fall out)

Hey, you! Here...

There!

Here you can sleep in peace!

Woah!

They've got M. Augustin and M. Stanislas!

What do we do, now?

MacIntosh.

- Hello. - Hello, sir.

Do you feel all right?

Yes, never felt better in the whole of me life.

Yes, aren't we lucky!

- Another cellar. - German Cellar.

Ah, yes, but the bottles are French.

- Where's that nice nun? - Must be her, now.

It's a wonderful vintage. [GER]

That's no nun.

Just one cup, no one will notice.

Good show, MacIntosh!

My name is Peter Cunningham,

my rank is lieutenant in the Royal Air Force,

my number is 221.

You said it 10 times!

- What happened to your comrades? - My name is Peter Cunningham,

my rank is lieut...

Are these the two Frenchmen you're looking for?

- Ja. - We have them.

- They're here. - Ah, finally!

Your friends, prisoner, here.

So what, let them kill me, I won't talk!

Me neither! Let them kill you, I won't talk!

I knew, I could count on you.

We gotta get outta here.

We can't!

Oh! I have an idea, c'mere.

You've played Wagner, before,

how do you say 'come in', in German?

- Come in? - Knock, knock...

Eh... Herein.

- Ja? - Herein.

- What is it? - Heil Hitler!

- Heil Hitler! - Heil Hitler!

- Was haben sie gesagt gut? - Nahme ich so den feder?

- Ja. - Der schliessen aus? - Ja, aber 'not' so spät.

- Warum nicht? - Ja, naturlich.

Ja, ja, ja!

Bring him up to his cell.

Take your bloody hands off me, I'm not trying to escape!

Let go of me, I'm a British officer!

What's gotten into him?

Monsieur Lefort! Monsieur Bouvet!

What a nice surprise!

This way, messieurs.

THIS WAY, MESSIEURS!

The English are here. We gotta buy time.

Herr Kapellmeister, this time I'm holding the baton.

And you're going to sing!

12 bullets for you, 12 bullets for you.

24 bullets. What a waste, for the likes of you!

Who gave you the dogs?

Who provided those uniforms?

Who are your accomplices?

Enough shaking!

Monsieur Police Commissioner...

I'm not a Commissioner! I'm Major Achbach!

Major, I won't buy time, er... waste your time.

I'll tell you everything.

About time! You are becoming reasonable, Herr Kapellmeister. Well?

So, I had a rendez-vous on Monday November 15th.

- Excuse me. - Bitte.

So, I had a rendez-vous, Nov. 15th with Commandant Jean-Pierre,

who in reality is Sergeant Henri.

His real name: Marechal!

- No. - Yes. - No. - Yes.

No, he made a small error, Major Achbach.

- It wasn't a Monday, - When, then?

- It was a Sunday. - Yes, that's true.

That's one. And it wasn't in November,

since it was January.

And the so-called Henri wasn't yet called Marechal.

No. But I was born in '14?

- Yup, yup, it was the Great War. - Yeah, the Great War.

- The Great War? - For 4 years, 4 years.

Awww... terrible. 4 years!

Who is Marechal!

I dunno anymore! He interrupts all the time,

he coughs and spits, coughs and spits!

- Try to remember... - Yes.

- It was in Place des Victoires. - Yeah.

Just across from the statue of Louis XIV.

- You saw a satue of Louis XIV there? - Yeah. - That's not possible. - Why?

Because at the time, the Germans had already removed the statues!

- Er... - Never mind.

They take me for a fool.

How dare you, to take, out of me, the piss?!

I know we're missing two English aviators!

- How many? - TWO! - That's not so many.

You know where they are, and I know they're not far!

Vive, Napoleon!

C'mon, Pete. C'mon, lads.

I feel as if I were in the Spanish inquisition.

- Here we go! - Cheers!

- I gave you the wrong barrels. - What?

- Wrong barrels! - "Barrels?" Was ist das?

ONE, TWO, THREE!

FIRE! FIRE!

FIRE!

FIRE! FIRE!

Quick, there are two men downstairs, inside barrels. They'll be burned!

Sister, take my mask!

ALARM!

ALARM!

Monsieur Lefort!

Nein!

Ah, Monsieur Bouvet!

MacIntosh! Why don't you get back to Canada?

- It's me. Stanislas. - Come on, let's go.

Verdammte mist.

French firemen, do your job, put out the fire!

ACHTUNG!

Into your vehicles and go after them!

We're too heavy. Dump the barrels!

Hah! Hah!

Quick, we're losing ground!

We're expecting two armored vehicles.

Is the reconnaissance plane on its way?

Ja... Very good, Danke. Out.

Woah!

It's that way!

Hyah! Yah, yah!

Spotted fugitives.

Road 328. Heading South. Over.

Understood. Out.

Let's go!

Be careful, for god's sake!

- That wasn't me!! - Yes, it was!

Look! Look!

Will they shoot us?

No. Reconnaissance plane.

No, don't look. They're spying on us.

Make like we haven't noticed.

You like Westerns, hm?

[REGIONAL GLIDING CENTER]

[CLOSED FOR THE DURATION OF HOSTILITIES]

Come on, it's closed. Padlocked!

Shoot the damned thing off!

Get back.

Slide open the big door.

Gliders!

I knew they'd still be here!

- There's no prop. - That's the prob.

Fugitives turned south at the Marble Cross.

Do not copy. Repeat.

I repeat: South at the Marble Cross. Over.

Ja! I read you, loud and clear.

Peter, check the controls!

Yes, sir!

- Push, back there! - I AM pushing!

Release the clutch, goddammit! Oh, pardon me Sister.

- Disengage it! - It's no use, there's no gas!

There's one litre! It's enough.

Out. Get out and push! You get on my nerves!

- Where's second gear? - In the car!

- Where? - Between first and third!

- 2nd gear, voila! - Thanks. Now, push!

Push, you! Don't look at me, push!

- Let's go. - Come on, Sister!

Don't straggle! [GER]

I hope it's well fastened.

OK, get in.

- What'd he say? - He said 'get in'. 'Montez!'

Allez-hop!

Ah, no, I can't.

- Scared, shitless, huh? - No, I'm not scared!

It's just, er... It's for two, and we're three.

Look up there!

- I'm getting in! - No, wait, me first!

ME FIRST!

- Crank! - Here!

Let me try it.

It's my maiden flight. Never been on an plane, before!

Settle in. Come on, come on!

Easy.

GO! - I'm sitting on thin air!

Jump! Hurry!

As fast as you can!

They're over the border, now.

The wind's blowing them back!

Not this way!

The air current's dragging us!

- Be careful! - What a bloody wind!

Set up the Anti-aircraft gun!

What's the matter dummkopf?

Aim at the target! Can't you see it, or what?

Get up!

There!

Are you crazy? Where are you shooting, you fool?

Vive la France!

Permettez, Sister!

Hey, me too!

Thank God!