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A TRIP

What, Mom?

Listen, everything is going to be OK.

It's my decision, period.

I can't speak right now.

You're breaking up... hello...

Do you happen to have the Minesweeper or Solitaire?

Has the recession hit you too? Yes or no?

This "beep-beep" all day suits you? Beep. Beep.

You've really accomplished a lot, scanning barcodes all the time.

How many dicks did she take between her tits?

I would say about beep, beep.

Beep. Beep.

Don't mind him, he's a fag.

Beep. Beep. Beep...

Oh really? -Yep.

For me, Dickhead? - For you, Fatass.

With my name on it? - With your name on it.

What's up!

I didn't bring you anything.

Not even flowers?

There are no flowers there.

At least not pretty ones.

Put that back.

Thank you.

When are you going back? - Soon.

They let you fly kites there?

What? Do they what?

Do they let you fly kites there?

Yeah. On Wednesdays.

Here, have a drink, kid. - I don't like beer.

I don't like beer! - Fuck you, Fatass.

Hey, only I call him Fatass. Right, Fatass?

Well said, Dickhead.

What about the others? - Who?

From high school. I missed the reunion.

Do we look like we care?

Fuck'em. Klavdija's still stupid,

Tercek still hasn't got laid, Peru still oozes sweat playing ball.

Like you ever played! - I liked taking a shower afterwards.

Vanja got married. - Really? To whom?

Some Croat.

Well at least he's not Italian - Why?

Cause they're the biggest cunts in the unit.

In the unit! Wow, that's badass. The unit, I mean.

Are there tanks in your unit? Is it nice in a tank?

Have you ever been in one? - I'll pay.

Will you give me a ride if I come to visit? -You need some cash?

Don't worry, she's got daddy's credit card for everything.

Fuck off, auntie.

And you - you know what I want to know, right?

Yes Fatass, it's lovely inside a tank.

I even have an ikebana in there. Anything else?

Do you ever play cowboys and indians and climb trees?

There are no trees where I am.

I'd be a soldier anytime. Catching the bullets with my mouth.

Improved your sense of humor in past months, have you?

Sol have. Here, hold this. Do you know what this is?

No, what? - A dead Italian. Cool, right?

Do you know what this is? - Yes. Beer.

Yes. I mean no. Well, yes. No. Summer refreshment!

Great, I'm wet now. -All set.

Hey, Ziva! - Go, go, go!

Oh come on. - Hey, fuck off! Move!

Fucking electric company. Move!

All of your music requests are welcome at this number.

Text us something nice and original and your request will come first.

News today - S/oven/an highways with 12 million euros

per kilometer among the most expensive in Europe.

Nice, a?

Gimme five!

Ouch! It hurts!

Look, Dickhead, three trucks ahead!

Come here, trucks, feel my piss! Yeah!

Dickhead, cabrio car! Hit it, hit it!

Ah, it burns, it burns!

Touchdown! - That felt majestic.

Are you jealous cause you can't?

No, don't, Ziva, I have it at my feet already... Ziva, don't...

There's nothing I wouldn't dare to do.

Would you dare going on a trip with me alone?

Is it here? - Without a doubt.

It's not here. Next crossroad. - You'll get us lost, Dickhead.

Tell me, Ziva. Who do you trust when it comes to pathfinding?

I vote for Gregor. - Hey, it's my car, Hairy Mary.

Don't call me that. - It's not my fault you didn't

shave your legs in high school. - We're not leaving until we find it!

Hairy Mary, her armpits are scary, since they popped her cherry,

she'll put out for a sherry.

Yo yo yo, Fatass is ful of gas because he is fat-ass.

You suck. - Here, turn around.

I think this is that tree. Turn around, will you? -Is it here?

We definitely buried it here. - That's what Rambo says.

Are you two gonna help me or not? - You won't find it anyway!

Hey Dickhead, it's abandoned.

The plates are still on. So there might as well be

a wallet in the compartment. - And a dead body in the trunk.

Oh come on!

Go to hell you two.

What are you doing? - Updating my list.

List? - Yes, list. Ask me what list.

What list?

A list of things that annoy the fuck out of me!

Newest addition: women, going through grass searching for shit.

I'm gonna read the rest from the start.

Things, that annoy the fuck out of me. Colon.

Provincials. People, wheezing through their nose.

Arts students. Female Arts students.

Cyclists. Professional cyclists.

People mowing the lawn shirtless. Eurozone.

2 in 1 perfumed deodorants. Dog owners.

Dogs. Public administration.

Everyone over 50. Are you listening?

The TV Slovenia Symphony Orchestra.

TV Slovenia. Slovenia.

Street musicians of Romanian nationality. Romanians.

Greeks. 200 euros per each, fuck them.

Gypsies. Germans. The French

The Chinese. Asparagus. - Why Gypsies?

And that offends you? - Yes.

Do you feel sorry for them?

What about asparagus, no place for it in your liberal heart?

They annoy the fuck out of me. - Yeah, but why?

Well, why?

Because they steal and smell bad! Everyone's allowed to be annoyed

by anything, except Gypsies and faggots. That's a no-no!

Speaking against Church is enlightened, throwing rocks

at the parliament is rebellious, having sex with Nubas in Africa

is humanitarian. But being annoyed by Gypsies and homos means being

a xenophobe and a racist.

You are really something.

Hold still.

What are you doing?

Nothing... except, there's a spider on you.

I hate spiders! - I hate spiders!

I hate spiders!

I hate spiders!

I hate being cold at night.

I fucking hate still living at my mom's.

I fucking hate my old man having no idea what it feels like.

I fucking hate my mom smothering me.

I fucking hate my job that any moron could do.

We received an extremely alluring offer from a lady named Ziva.

In exchange for her favourite song, she promises to provide

lifelong sexual favours to the who/e radio staff.

Ziva also mentioned that she is no stranger to more deviant

sexual practices, which she will provide to her friend Gregor.

This does not apply to Andrej, who, says Ziva,

prefers his holes hairier.

Watch out!

Hey, Dickhead.

What do you bring to a dead baby's birthday?

What? - A dead kitten.

Well, kitty. It was not your fault, you were minding your business.

Shit happens.

Fuck!

There was a spider on you.

There was a spider on you!

Oh yeah - and I won. I like to win.

You won at what?

I was the first to spot the sea.

You never played that when you were a kid? -No.

I guess your childhood sucked.

You've got that right.

Everyone in the car plays by default. Dickhead.

Your mommas face.

Fatass,

how's college?

No Internet in the desert? If you'd written to me,

you would've known I quit it.

I don't have time to write there.

Well than - what do you do?

Stuff.

What stuff?

Hey, does this slow motion effect ever happen to you during battle?

Andrej, you woke me up! - I'm so terribly sorry!

Stop it! - I can't control it, it's alive!

Ziva!

Get in the water!

Leave her alone, Dickhead, you'll fondle her later.

Why doesn't she come?

Come on, Rambo!

Don't give me this military training shit...

Oh you like it! - A military fag! Get lost!

Come on, tell me. I just wanna know.

Mind your own business, Fatass.

Five dollars.

Awesome, man. Awesome.

Or ten. Depends on her age.

You actually picked up hookers?

The correct term is prostitutes, Ziva. Prostitutes. -Right.

And that's it?

Is that all you're gonna say?

What else should he say?

How they all fap on their mom's photos together, or what?

We once ran over a child.

It wasn't me who was driving, but some American named Patrick.

Irish descent, a hardcore dude.

So five of us left the base in a Hummer.

It was hot as hell.

The kid appeared there all of the sudden, hands up.

We told Patrick to stop, but he yelled: "It's a trap!"

There was no blood. The kid just disappeared under the vehicle.

A little further on, we stopped and saw a whole bunch of kids,

one had a football in his arms.

They were playing soccer and dropped the ball.

So what did you do?

Nothing.

We drove on.

Are you OK?

Yeah, no big deal.

What do you mean 'no big deal'?

That's why I do what I do.

Cause it's no big deal.

You're not sorry at all?

Well, of course I'm sorry!

Of course. I'm sorry.

Shit.

Dude,

I saw something like that in a movie.

You're a fucking imbecile, Andrej!

In a movie? What movie?

OK, OK. Don't mind me. I have no idea.

That story with the kid... so sad.

Don't bring it up. It's gonna be OK.

Where'd he get those? On a mission?

Sure, they're free the second time you go on a mission.

No. I found the receipt that fell from his pocket.

Guess how much they were. - How much?

Four euros! - Oh come on.

Yes. Four euros.

Something new for you to mock him.

I won't.

Why not?

Cause he thought of me.

Let me go change, OK?

I don't know how. - You guys suck. Watch me do it.

Bitch.

I will never learn this! - Look. You inhale some air,

and then release it!

How can you call yourselves men? - Shut up!

You're disgusting!

This looks fun! - Which one first?

That one!

Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

Go Fatass! - Fuck yeah!

Let's go. -Look at this. - Let's go.

Good afternoon, ma'am, Grega speaking. What?

Well of course it's evening already. What did I say?

Oh. Yes, she's here.

She's great. We keep an eye on her, why wouldn't it be?

Is it mom calling? You fucktard. - What? I was just having a chat.

You remember, right?

Of course you do.

Oh come on dude, that happened so long ago.

They stripped me in the locker room after gym class.

Go and stroll around the school naked, homo, they said.

Then they left,

and it was you who brought my clothes back. -Oh, come on.

Come on nothing. You are awesome!

Awesome! Awesome!

What am I? -Awesome! - What? -Awesome!

Who? - Awesome!

Give me a kiss. -No. - But I'm awesome.

Come on. Give the awesome dude a kiss.

Kiss him first, then me. If you're that awesome.

Come on. She'll kiss me, man!

Enough!

Come on... I'm sorry, dude.

Sleepy, huh? - Yeah.

Go beddy-bye.

We did technically kiss, you know. -Very funny.

Sweet dreams.

Morning.

Morning.

Sleep well? - Like a baby.

Have you ever told Fatass what really happened in the locker room?

No.

And I'm never going to.

Hello, hello. - Hi. -Hey.

I think you're stupid. Both of you.

Why?

He's a soldier. Need I say more?

And you're going to study abroad. And we all know

that's just another name for sex tourism in this country. Right?

Where are you going anyway?

Abroad. - Abroad.

But where?

Far away, ok?

And you, Fatass? Why are you so much better?

I'm paying taxes, you moron. - And I don't?

Military uses up 1.7% of the national GDP,

so don't get smart with me, Dickhead.

Go and study something already, you annoying fag!

Blow me. Do you wanna hear why I'm not studying?

This professor lectured about angular momentum... -Please, stop!

Do you know what that even means? -Yes, I know.

No, you don't! So shut up.

Maybe you can start your reference letter with this new info.

So, the guy lectured on angular momentum.

He had some sort of machine which turned around,

and then he took a bicycle rim and put it on this machine,

so that when the rim was spinning that moron began circling around

with it in his chair. -And then this geeky guy gets up...

Right! And then this geeky guy got up and started to applaud!

The classroom was full and he was the only one applauding!

And then I knew I'd never be that much into studying

as that guy applauding an old, bald, ugly physicist

who is circling in his fucking chair...

And I got up and left I never came back.

Cause, if you're not into it like that guy, you can't study this.

At least I'm being fair You two are merely pretending.

I'm doing things as they should be done.

You're doing great here, right?

Yes. I'm doing great.

With Gypsies and fags.

Yes. And hardworking citizens. - We're hardworking all right.

We're so hardworking that we never stop repairing our highways.

And we're all young. Like the politicians, all fresh faces.

Jobs waiting around the corner.

And if it doesn't work out, we pray to Europe for guidance.

We can be dishwashers in Dublin!

Or engineers in Slovenia, the pay's the same!

And if anything goes wrong, call me and I'll kill them all.

Why are you laughing? - We're doing great here.

Yeah, we're doing great.

What? You wanna help me?

Well you can't.

You know I wanna fuck you.

I'd get that even if I was blind and deaf.

What's the problem then?

Look, Grega...

What if I die?

What if some guy shoots me, and my only wish was to fuck you,

while you're being a prude.

Come on. I won't tell anyone.

Just imagine that I get shot.

Wouldn't you feel guilty for not letting me fuck you?

Not even if you were dying here on the floor, with a hard on,

and I'd have to sit on it to save the world, you stupid fuck.

Dude, when this cow licks you, new hair starts growing on your head.

That is a healer cow.

Imagine, let's say two of your fingers are missing,

and when it licks you, new ones grow.

Or if it licks your dick! It becomes bigger, like a python.

Badass, right?

Are you afraid of death, Andrej?

What a delightful question, Hairy Mary. Why?

Gregor mentioned that before.

That he is afraid.

Oh, he is? Is that true, Soldier boy?

Well, I'm not afraid.

No?

No. Why would I be?

At our age you are immortal. You die when you're old and miserable.

Wouldn't it be nice to just end it all?

Right, Grega? - Ziva, what are you doing?

Try it. Then come back and tell us about it. -Shut up!

I'll throw myself off.

No, you won't.

Just imagine that I do.

Wouldn't you feel guilty for not believing me?

Daddy's credit card can't buy you a new head, you know.

I'm only joking, you assholes.

There's no way I would, I love myself way too much.

Hilarious. Really.

You two go on, I'll watch the tent.

No way, you're coming with us.

Don't worry. Really.

Dickhead, let's go.

Did she mention she has problems? - No.

But she has been acting strange lately. -Strange?

Classic women behavior, just stranger and stupider.

Where are your dogtags?

Shit. I must have lost them while swimming...

Don't sweat it. I'll bring you new ones.

Oh, they grow on trees there?

They grow on trees there? Of course not. But you have to...

What? - You have to get permission...

And? - Commander has to agree with it...

I get it. Great gift, man.

I really liked them. - That's what counts.

I think we should go back.

I enjoy being here with you two. It's just that I always want to return.

And when I'm there, I want to come back here.

Get it? I don't know. Is that even right?

What's right anyway? History taught us that everything fails.

It's all our parents fault, and now we have to recycle

and be fucked by this shitty economy.

It's a good thing I'm a fag, there are more divorces

than weddings anyway. What am I supposed to do?

Eight hours of work and sixteen of jacking off.

At least you believe in shooting those muslims.

I don't believe in anything. - I don't either.

Well why do you do it then? - It's a job.

Ziva!

Stop that! What are you doing?!

Hey! - Leave me alone!

Hey, let her go! - Stop grabbing me, fuck!

Ziva, what is your problem? - Let me go!

I'm gonna hit the bitch! Let me go, Dickhead!

I'm gonna kick the shit out of her. Stop it!

Leave me alone. - What the fuck?

Go on, ask him.

Ask him why he brought your clothes back that day.

Ask him why he brought your clothes in the locker room!

Because I fucking told him to! He planned the thing himself!

He planned the thing himself! He told them you're a fag.

And then he watched out for the professors in front of the door.

And then I came, and told him to give you back the clothes.

And that was the beginning of our wonderful fucking friendship!

Fuck you. No seriously, fuck you. Fatass... -Leave me alone.

Don't touch me, Dickhead. - Wait, let me explain.

Are you ashamed of being friends with a faggot?

Is that whyyour gang almost raped me in the locker room?

Is that what you do to people you're supposed to care about?

Do you treat women this way?

Maybe you do, soldier.

Rape is probably one of the honors you get there...

Man, you know how young we were... - Have you ever raped a woman?

Andrej, stop it! - Shut up

You're sick! Both of you!

Don't touch the kite. - So this is therapy?

Is this therapy? Dude, I was in fucking

engineering club because of you! - Put the kite back!

Does it relax you, Gregi? Look at it being all easy and calm.

Grega!

Andrej! -Andrej!

Andrej... -To the town? - No problem.

Just a second.

Why do you even bother being friends with me?

Andrej, where are you going?

I can leave too.

I'm not going to be the only one that stays.

Grega, please... - Shut up! Just shut up!

Grega, come on... - Ziva, where are we going?

Stop!

Stop and tell me what you want! What?!

You wanna kill yourself and make me watch?! Is that your thing?!

What is wrong with you, Ziva?!

No, I've had it with you...

I'm not going to study abroad.

I'm going into treatment.

The therapy usually continues immediately, but...

I wanted to take this trip, although they advised I don't.

Why didn't you tell us?

I wanted to take this trip. Like we used to.

Don'? worry; they make you a new one, even prettier.

But...

What?

Will you be OK?

Sure.

You die when you're old and miserable.

If I was afag...

you'd be the only one who could fuck me.

I have to tell you something.

Nothing is going on there, man. Nothing.

I'm just eating, drinking, jacking off and waiting.

You're even a bigger loser than me, then.

But a better paid loser. - True.

About the locker room... - Forget about it.

There are other things now... - Yeah.

I want to go somewhere else.

I want to find it.

Can we go, please?

Why are you still here, car?

Ziva!

You found it?

I can't believe this.

Thank God for crib notes! - Do you remember?

You got caught cheating!

It was hot as hell...

My first cigarettes!

How many are there inside?

This is yours.

You threw it in Dickhead's head, remember?

Oh, come on.

Flowers?

This song reminds me of a certain young lady named Ziva who made

a promise she never fu/lf/'/ed. Ziva, wherever you are,

this one's for you. I hope Grega got what he was promised

and I'm sorry Andrej, you were never in at all

And now for the weather, it's partly cloudy

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