Original subtitles

Come on Kobna, read the letter from your grandma.

"Dear Walter," thank you for the money."

(DOOR OPENS)

Dad, is that you?

(MUSIC PLAYS)

Hey! Hey!

Valentine! Eh, eh, eh!

The boat party! What boat party?

What did you done do to me, brother?

(TURNS MUSIC OFF) Kobna is not going to a boat party.

Eh, my sister, you know this is our favourite.

What boat party?

Kobna, go and get your schoolbag.

Ah, but hey, you want to know about the boat party? Hey?

Every few months our brothers

bring produce on a big, big, big, big ship from Lagos, yeah?

And exchange for a special shipments of records for me,

I DJ at the welcome party, eh?

Everybody will be dancing to my music with smooth dancing moves.

(MUSIC STARTS)

What sensible person wants to hang around with drunkard sailors

and women of ill reputes? I do.

But I must warn you, this is a naughty bastard zone...

Are you sure you're ready for this? Of course.

Hey, this is very good, you need to teach me this.

Kobna, you are not going. Why?

Because I said so, now go and get your bag.

Eh eh eh, you don't know about my poppin' body eh?

Wow.

AGGIE: Say no to regeneration. Save the Eastbridge.

Say no to regeneration. Save the Eastbridge.

Say no to regeneration, save the East...

Oh! Oh!

Come in, come in Aggie. I need to talk to you.

Now come on through...

Ah! What is going on, Kirsty?

She's bloody lost it, that's what's going on.

Just stir the bloody pot, Bagpipes. Oh what?

And give myself carpel tunnel syndrome?

You'll be wishing you had bloody carpel...

Oh, let me just do... Oh shit.

I'll do that, Bagpipes, let me help.

Well, look, it's not gonna be sniffed at Kirst, alright?

What's that? Is that burnt toast. That's a sign of a stroke.

I'd better get my medical dictionary.

It is toast you...

So, what am I doing here, Kirsty?

Kirsty's Katering, with a K,

has got its first proper job

with some yuppies tomorrow.

Oh, congratulations.

Yeah. well, Nicola's supposed to be helping me out

and she's got one of her bloody cold sores again.

So, and that's not the type of image

that I want Kirsty's Katering, with a K, to project so...

Ag?

I have a favour to ask...

Please?

Please?

Fine, I'll be there.

Thank you.

I think me eyeballs are too dry.

BOTH: What?

(CHICKEN DANCE PLAYS)

(LAUGHS)

If I was to do this on the boat,

they will make me walk the plank, argh.

Ah, you wouldn't catch me on a boat, it's too risky.

It is not moving.

Well, sinking's moving.

Eh, next you will tell me that fishing is too risky, eh, Bagpipes?

Err, it's not without risk Valy,

I mean the rivers are teeming with parasites.

Those hooks are bloody sharp and all.

Bagpipes, you love fishing, what has happened?

Well, last time I went I nearly died, mate.

Eh? Mmm. I'm not going back.

So, let me get this right,

you are telling me that if you go fishing tomorrow you will die?

Hey? No. Oh...

Err, well...

No. I don't think so.

Um, nah, of course not.

Um...I think.

Then go!

Be brave, confront your fear.

I can't. I can't... Why not?

I, err...

I haven't got anyone to go with, yeah.

And err it's like sex,

you know, it's only fun with someone else, ideally wearing waders...

Eh, Walter is free. Tomorrow he will take you to the riverbank, huh?

Riverbank? You're going to the riverbank tomorrow?

Mm-hm.

Fantastic, I'll bring, err, sustenance.

Eh. Right. OK.

Cheers. Cheers.

Cheers.

Psst! Oi oi.

Nice shirt. Hey hey.

Is that why you left this one at mine?

What? This is ugly.

If you want, I can burn it for you?

Hey, this is C&A's finest tailoring, huh?

Mmm. You are looking pepper today, hey?

Hey! Nephew!

AKA house boy, good news, you are coming to the boat party today.

But what about Mum? She doesn't want me to go.

Don't worry about her,

I told her you are going fishing with your father, huh? Huh?

Well, seeing as your uncle's not gonna introduce us,

hi, I'm Dawn. Aunty. Yes. Err, Aunty Dawn.

Err this is your Aunty Dawn, Kobna, mmm?

And, err, this is, err, Kobna's friend, Mr Barney.

Hi.

Yeah, I can't go to the boat party.

What?

I've got things to do.

You nutta, it's a boat party. Exactly.

What things are greater than listening to great music

and dancing with many beautiful err...

..sailors, like many sailors.

Oh, looks like you're gonna have a lot of fun.

Nice to meet you Kobna, Barney.

Aunty's gotta go.

Is that your girlfriend now?

Err, girlfriend. Sheesh, house boy, ha you have a lot to learn, eh?

So, err, are you coming or not?

Ye-yeah, yeah, I've just got to sort something out first.

Oh, Ag, a mixer tap...

And Fairy bloody liquid!

(INHALES DEEPLY)

When Kirsty's Katering, with a K, takes off, I'm having all of this.

Agnes, there's something I have to tell you.

This job, it kind of came from...

Charles. You're bloody psychic.

Ah.

Yeah. Well, he's a friend a client so it kind of came from him.

And I'm sorry I didn't tell you before

but I thought you wouldn't help me if I did.

Mmm. You're right about that. How could you do this to me? Huh?

I was desperate.

Oh, please, Ag?

I need this.

Sorry.

OK. Oh...

I'll be professional.

Oh great, great.

Thank you.

Oh...

Bloody hell, Bagpipes. It's been two hours, is anything gonna happen?

Christ, I hope not.

Well here's to Sierra Leone's best creation.

What's in there? Something Indian? Yeah.

My daddy.

He died last week.

Christ, what'd you bring him here for?

It is my duty to spread him on a river that flows into the sea.

It should be the Ganges but I couldn't afford the airfare.

But I mean I think by the time you get to err...

Yeah. It all connects. Battersea...

Connects up, you know?

You think?

Rajesh man, what happened?

He was err, he was on the settee watching his err Blockbuster,

you know that err...

Dah, dah, dah, dah...

..that one. Yeah.

I sat and told him my big news...

He listened, no interrupting, no telling me I'm getting fat.

But he wasn't listening, Walter, he was dead.

A heart attack took him.

Bloody hell, a heart attack, err, had he had dry eyeballs?

Rajesh, I'm sorry man.

What was your big news? Oh...

I'm going to be a father!

Hooray! I'm so happy.

Get in there, my son. You know what?

You need some, you need some...

I'll hold Daddy.

What the hell is that?

It's disgusting. Err...

It's a bit warm, that's a bit warm. Get me a beer please.

Ah, good, good, err, go around the back.

Yeah, uncle. I can't work for you today or any other day.

What is this?

A debt is a debt and it must be paid in full.

Yeah. I must've paid off my debt by now.

The monetary debt yes, but the Lord's debt?

The Lord's debt?

Causing a near-fatal collision.

Ha, he saved me

and thankfully it was only my neck that was injured.

Just today then? Mmm.

However, God does love a cheerful giver

so I will cheerfully give you the day off.

But!

Be back tomorrow, or your father will hear from me.

Hi, would you like some smoked salmon or vol au vents?

One has done many of these soirees,

Mick Jar-ger, Michael Caine, Noel Edmunds.

Eh, it's not a bin.

The Queen Mum always insists on these at Clarence House.

Your English is very good.

Yours... Is... Not.

Charles warned me they were a bit rough around the edges.

Oh, yes, Charles does say a lot of stupid things.

Agnes?

Can I conversate with you about the hor-derves, please?

Yes, ma'am.

Huh?

How can you make all these lovely foods

and all they want to do is eat olives?

(HORN TOOTS)

Are you ready?

Hey. Mr...

Hey, Sharon, where's your husband, eh?

Hey, come on.

There's only one rule at this party.

What happens on the boat stays on the boat.

Yes?

Kobna, nephew, hey, look at your face, eh?

Hey, my shipment, how are you, my brother?

Hey, hey house boy, close your mouth and concentrate, eh?

Look at this...

Oh, Orchestra Muyei, hey, Afro-National, Super Combo, hey!

When London hears me play Maringa, Afropop and...

Legs!

Legs?

Oh...

Hey, do I look good?

OK. OK. You watch these while I watch them.

But... Uncle Valy!

Uncle Valy!

They are rude people, Kirsty, no manners.

They're not used to people like us. That's all.

Mmm. I'm not surprised, huh?

They are friends of Charles Lander. I knew it.

You couldn't let the Charles thing go just for one afternoon.

Let it go?

He wants to destroy our community.

The estate's run down, you said that yourself.

Maybe the regeneration is actually a good thing.

You said you'd be professional.

Yes...

..boss.

Professional.

Thank you. Thank you, darling, I'm going to go and check...

Arrgh!

The cleaner's cupboard is in the utility room.

The what?

The cleaner's cupboard, it's in the utility room over there, please.

Who is the cleaner?

It's over there.

Thank you.

I'm ever so sorry about that.

Oh, that's embarrassing.

I like your shoes.

I like your shoes, do they come off?

No. No. No. But seriously...

I, err, never thought it was possible

but beautiful mermaids do exist, eh?

That line is probably going to work well with the girls back home.

Mmm.

But I'm Karla from Essex, mate, just buy me a drink.

Hey...

Hey, get me some triple hairy naughty bastards, man.

Actually, forget that, let's go and dance eh?

Look at you, show me what you can do eh?

Mm mm mm hey.

Let's get...

Yeah. Woo!

Sad and happy and guilty all at the same time.

Is this a mental difficulty?

No, man. That is fatherhood. You will feel all them things everyday.

Mmm. Yeah.

And then you die.

It's always there, death, always...

..waiting.

Message received loud and clear, ta.

No more risks, Bagpipes, stay safe.

No more saveloys, I'm on a health kick.

Cheers.

Compliments on the food, Kirsty, such an interesting mix of cultures.

Although you might want to make your hiring policy

a little less interesting, if you get my drift?

Yeah?

Oh, there you go. Thank you.

They docked me for the broken dish.

Yeah.

It's not right, Kirsty.

I know, Ag.

I can't go pissing off clients just because they've ripped off my mate.

Shit.

Right. Stick this lot in the car and then I'll be back in a minute.

Ah, I'm glad you haven't left.

Yeah. I wanted one more last look at all this.

This place, it's the reason why I started my business,

why I graft so hard.

But there ain't no point

if I'm selling out my mate to some chinless prat...

Excuse me, what...

That woman out there is a proper lady mate.

The classiest bird you've ever met. But I'm not.

So if you don't wanna be digesting some poxy knick-knack

for the next week... Oh...

..you'd better hand over the...

What's that?

The...this is your friend's money.

I gave you the envelope for the cleaner by mistake.

Oh... Right. Um...

Careful, it's an antique.

Any chance of a recommend... Oh, none whatsoever.

Didn't...didn't think so.

Ta.

Fish! Fish! Fish! Fish!

Oh, err... Fish!

Reel it in. I... I can't.

What do you mean? I can't.

Yes. You can.

Yes. You can, bring the bloody thing in man.

Come on. Pull it, pull it. Pull it, pull it!

A-ha, here he comes. Put your back into it.

Yeah. Alright. OK. Alright.

Gotta do, you know, you've just gotta play it.

Alright. Alright here he comes. Here he comes.

OK. OK. OK.

He's gone.

No. No. No. No.

No. He's gone, he's gone. What do you mean?

He's in there! Pull it, pull it, pull it!

(ALL EXCLAIM)

Come on!

Oooh...

Let's go and find somewhere quiet... Wait, wait, wait.

Wow, wow what am I doing? What?

Ah, eish, I cannot, err, I cannot go with you, Karla.

I'm sorry. Oh, why?

Err, it would be a mistake because um...

Eh, I have a girlfriend! Hey.

Oh you know what they say... What is this?

What happens on the boat...

..stays on the boat.

Ha. Eh, no, no, no, no, no,

that is why I need to get off the boat.

Look, ah, I'm sorry, you are a very...

Eish, err beautiful...

..mmm, mermaid, but I must return to land.

You sure?

Hey, stop it.

Hey. Oh, sorry. Forgive me, Eh? Eh, next week, Kwame, yes?

Eish no, err Kobna! House boy!

Time to go!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Ha!

I don't believe it. It's the same bloody fish!

What do you mean? Eh?

I'd recognise that face anywhere.

But brother, it's just a... it's just a fish, Bagpipes.

No no no, it's not just a fish, is it?

It's just a fish minding its own business

and then plucked from very existence by some silly sod who wants a laugh.

And now he's over and done with! What do you mean?

He's not done with, he's still here! Yeah. He's still here, man.

He's a happy fish swimming in the water, making tadpoles,

eating maggots and then...

Listen, he knows that one day the big hook is gonna take him out

but until then he's just livin', otherwise he's already dead.

And you are like him, Baggy!

You are like this, strong like this salmon.

You are exactly like him, just a happy fish...

Gasping for air, oh... he's gasping for air.

He's gasping. He's gasping. Shit.

Yeah...

I think he's gonna be alright.

Of course he is, Bagpipes. Of course he is.

Many rivers to cross...

But I can't seem to find...

Time to see to Daddy.

Wandering, I am lost

As I travel along... Goodbye, Daddy.

..the white cliffs of Dover

Many rivers to cross...

Dear, Mama, Sorry it has been so long since I wrote

but I've reached an important decision in my life

that I want to share with you.

It is a decision about the sort of man that I am

and what I want to be...

..someone who is honourable and loyal,

someone who is there for the good moments as well as the bad.

Someone with love in his heart.

Many rivers to cross

But just where to begin

I'm playing for time

There are times I find myself

Thinking of committing

Some dreadful crime

Yes, I've got many rivers to cross...

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0