Original subtitles

(music)

Maeve is dead!

Maeve is dead.

Maeve is dead?

More tea, three spoonfuls of sugar

and a crisp sandwich. Go!

Maeve is dead.

We have that covered, love, to be fair.

Can you explain to us what happened, was she sad?

(sighs) She had the name of a Welsh nightclub tattooed on her forehead,

so no! Not at all!

Had she mentioned anything?

(sighs)

No...

She was dying to get back, though.

So how are you, Trish?

My husband left me. (gasps) Told ya!

I beg your pardon?

She predicted it.

I'm sorry, darling.

I... I give myself a pain in the arse at this point.

Maeve is de...?

(music)

God, it's so mad,

I needed to go exactly here on the way down.

(sighs) Guys, you really don't need to come,

the moral support is lovely, but it's really not necessary.

I'm coming because I met her, Joy, remember?

And that's what friends do.

They support each other. Besides.

I wanna support my lovely Stan.

Guys.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I didn't bring any black!

Well, there'll be a shop down there.

A women's clothes shop in Bray?

Bray's a big town, Joy.

We need to go back.

We can't go back.

I need black!

We're not going back!

(music)

(knocking) Ah! Come in!

There yiz all are!

(laughs) They sent me down to say hi!

Who died? (laughs)

Maurice, I'm Joy.

Maurice, I'm Joy.

Maurice.

What's your surname? Morris.

No, your surname? Morris.

Maurice Morris? Yeah!

OK...

Can I sit down?

Please.

Jayzus, you're all very sad-lookin'.

It's a very sad day, Mr Morris.

You can call me Maurice.

It's a very sad day... Maurice.

Yeah, but you have to remember,

Maeve lived a very full life.

And it's hard to be too sad when you think of it that way, huh?

How are you able to find that perspective, Maurice?

Sure yous were with her when she got the forehead tattoo in Wales!

In Holyhead, yeah!

Did that not say anything to ya?

That she was a legend!

She didn't tell ye?

She didn't tell us what?

Maeve was dying, lads!

What? She got a severe diagnosis about three months ago.

Came like a bolt out of the blue.

Well, she knew when she wanted to go.

And she knew HOW she wanted to go.

She wasn't going to go flying off to Switzerland, or one of them places,

she wanted to go here in Bray.

So she enlisted the help of a few friends.

You seriously didn't think she was that mad about Welsh discos, did ye?

(laughs)

(bangs table) Right! Let's go!

Get your drinkin' boots on and follow me!

(laughs)

Oh my God, she's tight, isn't she?

(laughs) Tight as the top of a tin whistle!

She was dying!

(music)

(hushed conversation)

God... this session...

is a-full of a-fitties!

Shit! You're like, you're probably related to them all! (tuts)

Shhh! Mm-mm!

I'll be your wing-woman. (incomprehensible muttering)

I'll be subtle with a silent b!

Don't! Don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't!

Hi! (laughs)

Do you guys know her?

Yes, we're Morrises. We're cousins.

So how distant? 'Cause third's fair game right?

No! Maeve was our aunt. We're second cousins.

Joy was her second cousin! So...

You guys are like brother and sister.

That's a bit too much, right? Mm-hm!

Excuse me, cousins.

(whispers) You are being disrespectful!

Just trying to cheer you up.

Everyone's celebrating Maeve's life

the way she wanted it to be celebrated!

But you're being flippant!

And you're being melodramatic.

My second cousin died!

Did you know her, ah... 48 hours ago?

Yeah! Did you KNOW her?

Or had you forgotten about her,

until she actually reminded you of her existence in person?

Take your time!

That's not the point!

That's totally the point!

You can play serious, that's fine!

But you have to wait until something serious happens to you,

otherwise YOU are being disrespectful.

To the people who actually knew her

way better than you did!

And they're grieving for real!

Here today, you're supposed to just put on a brave face!

So budge up and have a sandwich!

(sighs)

(music)

Hi, I'm Joy.

Sadness. Nice to meet you.

Oh. Is Sadness a... an Irish name?

No. It's a joke.

Joy...

Oh, yeah.

(laughs nervously)

God, no.

God, no.

Would you like to dance?

There's no music.

Yeah, I guess.

(ominous music)

Hi. Aah!

We need a favour.

They want a cousin to speak at the funeral.

It's all tributes, no prayers.

I personally am a hardcore Catholic

and wouldn't mind bashing out a few decades of the rosary there.

But no one wants to listen to Maurice Morris.

It's like my name is a joke.

It's like...

my actual name is funny.

You know how it is these days!

And another thing...

I will be stoned, I know that.

And your other cousin

thinks one of the egg sandwiches is gone off.

He's a dicky tummy at the best of times.

So he doesn't know how the next 24 hours are going to pan out.

And you're in the media!

So... Oh, listen...

There's no way...

that I would be able, like... Thank you so much

for saying yes, dear.

(whispers) It's so awkward that we're all still here,

why are you still here?

I came to pay my respects!

Look... (sighs) Can you pay them and then go?

Joy, that's kind of mean!

Em, I... liked Maeve, a lot!

(sighs) Also, I wanted to ask what the hell happened the other night?

Between us, I mean, what was that, Joy?

That was... that was a mistake, Stan, it was a mistake.

I'm sorry.

No... I'm sorry.

Look, I think Christie likes you.

So you should go for that.

I won't breathe a word to a soul!

Why is that bad?

Because... (sighs)

The thing is...

I think I...

I... have to tell her, Joy.

Hard pass on ever telling her!

No, no thank you! No way! No thanks! Next?

I can't lie to her, Joy!

Well, if you tell her, you're the bad guy,

and if I tell her, I'm the bad guy!

And... then... that's how it goes!

Well, could we not just tell her together?

Like... we literally say it at the same time, like...

one, two, three! Go!

Yeah!

OK, but not now, not here in front of everyone, so can you just

go and hide! Just go to the kitchen!

They're looking for more sandwich-making volunteers,

I cannot look at large amounts of butter in one place,

I can't even smell it, I can't even...

look at it! Can you just...

OK, fine.

(phone rings) (sighs) Hello?

OK. Bye.

Will Dack posted another vlog...

about Ireland, online last night.

Em... another update about the

crazy woman who took a baby, and pretended to be its mother.

Eh... he remembers new details...

apparently.

The papers are calling Emer.

They're calling it...

Dingogate.

It's all gone batshit.

(Will's voice) I'm pretty sure it's a global phenomenon,

and I'm gonna be the ambassador, who stamps it out!

Hashtag Let's Hit Baby-Stealing!

Hashtag... The Time Is Now!

Hashtag... Stand With Will!

(phone rings) Oh! Huh?

To what do I owe this goddamn pleasure!

Where have you been, you absolute fugitive crazy person?

Oh, what... what... what... what... what?

Your phone doesn't even ring any more, what the hell?

Yeah, it's... it's sort of at the bottom of the Irish Sea, so...

Joy? You need to issue a response.

A clap-back. You know, "I knew what I was doing all along",

that kind of thing.

You and Will Dack has got very Biggie and Tupac!

If you don't issue a response,

any chance of sponsorship goes away!

Which means no channel,

which means no income, which means...

well, you know what it means. We're all fucking broke.

And I just bought one of those really expensive hoovers,

with a see-through back?

That you have in the wall? (sobs)

And it recharges.

I understand.

Issue a response, Joy.

You're Tupac.

Joy's a goner...

What?

She's gone.

Where's she gone?

She's just gone, she's not coming back.

Remind me what you do again?

I'm a lawyer, I've been working in the same office as you for...

ages!

And Stephen, what do you do?

Phillip. What do you do!

I'm a marketing guru.

What does that mean?

I've got a degree in marketing.

A d... a diploma in marketing? Yeah.

(laughs) OK, guys!

I've got some really good news for you!

What, is she coming back?

You're hired!

OK, Karen, I need you...

to generate content.

No, but I'm a l... I'm a lawyer.

I, eh... Yeah, obviously I'm not telling you

that you can't be a lawyer, but just not when you're here.

OK, Stephen... Phillip!

Stop saying that. Have you heard of the word "unique"?

Of course.

Market that.

OK, I was... I was gonna meet up with my mum...

Yeah, I'd probably pop a pin in that?

Do I have time to call her? I'd pop a pin in that too. OK.

Eh, question?

Eh, where do I find content? What is it?

Do you have a laptop?

Yes. Do you have internet?

Yes. Question time's over, guys. OK?

(music)

Look, I don't even care what it looks like, so long as it's black.

It's mainly... jumpers, and...

grout.

(horror movie music) Hi!

Can I help you?

My client

is looking for a chic, sensible, breathable,

grievable funeral outfit.

It must be black,

can you help us?

Yes please.

OK.

(elevator music)

(whispers) What are you looking at?

Sir, could you not... look there?

I can tell a woman's size by measuring her with my eyes...

Women prefer it this way.

It's less creepy than getting my tape out

and measuring all the relevant bits?

'Cause this way is not creepy at all!

Just doing the waist, and now the flank...

Found one!

Perfect! (laughs nervously)

Changing room please?

Yes please.

Oh. Yeah.

Just...

(gulps)

(horror movie music)

Just to let you ladies know, I'm here to help you squeeze into

and out of things.

Quite a lot of experience in that area.

I've seen it all.

So don't be shy.

This is a family store? Would anyone like a 99?

(elevator music)

Christie, you don't have to stick around, honestly,

you should just head home!

Have a free gaff!

You know, throw a party, just...

wreck the place!

Oh! Thanks babycakes, but

I'm happy to be here!

More so, it was a nice excuse to see Stan.

Oh!

Meanwhile, in fashion news...

saying a hard yes to that dress, my friend.

Let's go!

(horror movie music)

Have you girls ever heard of the internet?

It's unbelievable!

Can we pay?

Yes please.

Please.

(whispers) Please.

Oh. Not a big mover.

I wouldn't say that!

Oh! Take your time...

Yeah.

Maeve was brave.

Maeve was daring, Maeve was honest.

(church organ)

And Maeve would have wanted me to talk.

Maeve was a...

and I'm sorry, father, I mightn't be able to say this word, but eh...

but sure this is hardly a funeral at all, is it?

You've hardly said a word! I haven't been asked!

Apparently no one wants to hear from the priest these days,

they just want to... rent the hall.

So you may as well use the word.

Well, she was a countr... Ah now that's unacceptable!

She was a country... bumpkin, father.

If you'd let me finish.

And we all loved her.

And we all knew she was sick, she only had three months to go.

And she went the way she wanted.

So today is a celebration.

Though I'm absolutely rattling with the hangover after last night!

Now, I... I couldn't let Maeve go without

giving her... one of my songs, you know, some of ye know...

She loved my songs, em...

I didn't have a lot of time

on this one. But it comes from the

(sings) Where are you gone?

On the crest of that wave

Where will you be when we fly?

Or drive?

Oh where oh where will you be?

Not alive

(ominous music) Are you ready?

Oh! Eh, not really, I'm really nervous!

(laughs) Who are ya tellin'?

I'm so glad you're doing it!

You wouldn't get me up there for all the tea in China!

Are you allowed say that?

I'd sail cross the ocean

If I took the notion

That there I'd see you some more

But I won't, oh

You always want to...

get it right, don't you?

To do the person a justice.

Well, good luck!

All I'm saying is...

if I was asked I wouldn't do it! No!

You know, if the shoe was on the other foot, like!

And you asked me!

I'd be gone!

On the bus! Just... gone!

Legger!

Maaaaaaaaeve!

Maeve! Where you gone, oh Maeve?

And what if you forgot her name?

You know? Or you burped?

Or ya...

ya peed yourself!

Or you cursed!

You know, like. What if

Have... have you seen the ice cream truck outside?

Oh Maeve! Everybody, join in if you want!

On the crest of a wave

On the crest of a wave!

Maybe

Just out of reach

And now,

someone from the media.

Whatever that means.

(clears throat)

Thank you.

(phone rings)

Sorry.

Oh!

God, is there wi-fi here?

Network is "Godrocks", all one word.

And no password.

God doesn't require it, he trusts you!

No, I'm just gonna shut that off, it's my mum, Facetiming.

She's in Canada with my dad.

Oot and aboot.

Oot and aboot. Hi guys.

Let us pray, I guess.

Let me have that bit, for God's sake!

Oh... sorry, you go.

Yeah, go for... you go.

Let us pray.

Exactly. Deadly. Thank you, father.

So who was Maeve?

What was she like?

Well...

she had green eyes,

and... red hair...

and...

was very tall.

But you guys knew her better.

You know, I hadn't seen her in years.

I had one day with her as an adult,

two days ago, and it was so much fun!

She was my second cousin,

and... we were friends,

one summer when we were fifteen.

God, that was a great summer.

(music)

And that was it.

I abandoned Maeve, I...

didn't come back the next year.

I went to Brittany in France...

which was crap!

Maeve and I are Irish women.

(music speeds up) We're...

neatness hiding a mess,

we are... good make up over bad skin.

We are...

desperate to be liked, but we're afraid to be loved.

We're our parents, but

we're still us!

We're all their good bits, and all their bad bits,

baked into a cake that no one's even sure they wanna eat!

Least alone, me.

We're... our roots, we're the

green, white and orange, we're...

we're Anne Doyle, we're...

Mary Black, we're Niall Horan.

We're Phil Babb!

And... Zig and Zag, and...

all of their zogabongs, and we're Bosco.

And we come out of the box, and we go "Hi!" and then we go back inside, and

I loved when he went back inside, and you saw his really cute bed.

(orchestrated music) We're Michael Flatley's beautiful smile!

And we're Jean Butler's hair, and every one of her freckles!

Is she OK? We're Johnny Logan.

We're Terry Wogan.

We're Bernard Brogan, we're Larry Gogan,

we're slit for our mocks, but we're gonna get the Leaving Cert!

We're Nadine Coyle,

getting caught in a lie! "What year did I say, did I say 1984?"

"Did I say the 25th or the 6th?"

"Does that make me a Gemini?"

Maeve was brave.

Maeve was honest.

(sighs)

Christie, I slept with Stan!

(crowd gasps and mutters)

(microphone feedback)

(breathes heavily) I'm so sorry!

(exhales) Wow.

Turns out I'm no good at predicting things!

I thought we were going to tell her together?

I know we were, and I'm sorry, Stan.

Sorry!

For God's sake, Joy!

I would never have put the two of them together.