Original subtitles

(vacuum cleaner whirring)

LOIS:

Hal?

Are you smoking again?

No!

I am cleaning.

Do you smell smoke?

No, but I...

No, Lois, if I wanted

to smoke a cigar

I wouldn't be sneaking around

like a scared little

schoolboy.

I would do it

out in the open like a man.

That was our third shop vac.

That is our last shop vac.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss

of me now ♪

♪ You're not

the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss

of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss

of me now ♪

♪ You're not

the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss

of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

LOIS:

Francis, I don't want to hear

another argument about it.

You are going to fix

the roof.

That is totally unfair!

I come home

from school and

you immediately

put me to work.

Well, someone has to do it,

and you know your father

is terrified of heights.

He is not terrified!

The last time

he changed a lightbulb,

we had to talk him down

from the table.

You are going to do this.

Why don't you just put

a choke chain around my neck

and make me sleep

in the garage?!

This is what we call

a "level four" rage.

The only way not to get nailed

is to make no sudden moves

and avoid eye contact

at all costs.

(spoon clatters

on bowl)

And you...

You think just because

you hide the note,

the parent-teacher meeting

will just go away?

Mom, Mr. Woodward

is totally out to get me.

Every teacher

since kindergarten

has been out to get you.

I know. It upsets me, too.

(sniffs)

(Hal whistling)

Why is the drain

still clogged?

(stammering)

Uh, honey, there was

a, you know...

I was only seconds away from...

It's a funny thing,

see...

Oh, what a mess!

Look at that!

That is a milk ring

on the table.

Reese is still searching

for academic truth.

His...

focus is diffuse.

His initiative

is waning, and...

it's preventing

his full potentiation.

What?

To put it simply,

Reese isn't self-actualized.

Look, maybe I could

just give you a topic

and you could tell

us "good" or "bad."

That would help

us here.

Reese is flunking

almost every subject,

and I'm going to recommend

that he be moved

into the remedial class.

And that's

a euphemism for...

The remedial class.

(laughs)

No. No, no, no,

no, no, no, no.

No, no, that is

not an option.

We'll get him

to buckle down.

I hope it's that simple.

Reese will get

back on track.

We'll see to it

if it kills him.

I'm glad to see

your level of commitment.

I'm really happy we had

this chance to talk.

So we can go now.

I don't want to hear

any excuses.

You will sit down every night

and work

until those grades are up.

Why do I have to tutor him?

Because

God gave you a giant brain.

Blame him.

Reese screws up,

and I get punished for it?

Where's the logic

in that?

Malcolm, I have zero tolerance

on this one.

Finally, Mom found

the courage to

speak her mind.

Why aren't you fixing that roof?

It's 40 degrees out there.

I'll freeze.

And it's going to rain.

That's why you have to fix

the roof.

Well, maybe if you didn't buy

such crappy shingles,

it wouldn't leak all the time.

Francis, as long as you are

in this house,

you will do as I say.

You know what, Mom?

No.

I'm too old to be

bullied by you.

Our whole lives,

you have done nothing

but dictate what

you wanted.

You're the boss

of the world,

and we're all

sick of it.

This may be your roof,

but we live here, too.

We are human beings

with rights, and I'm hereby

putting an end

to your reign of terror.

You should have seen

the look on her face.

It was totally

worth it.

Sounds like

you-you've had it rough.

Oh, man, you have no idea.

Thanks.

I've got a place

near the bus station.

It's warm and fairly dry.

You can stay there

for a while.

If-if you want to.

You'd do that for me?

It's a tough world.

We've got to look out

for each other.

Thanks.

Richie!

Dude!

I heard your mom kicked you out.

You want to stay at my place?

You are a lifesaver!

Could you give me a lift to...

Sorry, man. We're

going the other way.

Hi.

Why aren't you flying?

My name is Dewey.

Good to meet you, Tony.

Want to play?

Okay, but I get to be

the red team.

Look, I don't like this

any better than you do.

Let's just get

it over with.

Dude, this book's

totally wrecked.

What did you

do to it?

I threw it at a duck.

Well, where's

your math book?

Which half?

We'll just start

with geography, then.

I don't take geography!

Yes, you do.

You got a grade in it.

Oh, that can't be good.

Mi casa es su casa.

This may be

my parents' house,

but, dude...

down here,

anything goes.

Oh! What is that smell?

It could be

the laundry.

It could be

the mildew.

It could be

that rat I shot.

I think I wounded it.

It probably crawled

into a hole in the wall

to die or something.

What's this?

It's your bed.

You got to blow it up.

(television

playing softly)

Welcome to Chez Richie.

Rule number one:

there are no rules.

Rule number two:

no shoes on the sofa.

It is so real.

Come on. What's the answer?

You can do this.

We've gone over this

a thousand times.

You have to carry the tenths.

Tenths have to go someplace.

Tenths don't just float around.

Get smarter already!

Think. Make your brain work.

I could be outside doing

anything other than this.

But, no. I'm stuck in here

babysitting this...

4.2.

That's right.

I mean...

I actually understand this.

The tenths have to go someplace.

Great. Let's move on

to the next one.

(hammering)

(sighs)

Hal! Come down from there!

(high-pitched voice):

Hi, honey.

What do you think

you're doing?

Oh, just... fixing

the shingles.

Francis has responsibilities.

You can't keep covering for him.

This is not about him.

It's about me.

I just wanted to get

some fresh air and...

the view from up here is...

is incredible.

Did you ever think

that I might be

enjoying myself?

(screaming hysterically)

I spent two days on it.

There was even a paragraph

that I thought really sucked

so I went back and rewrote it.

Malcolm, I'd never

done that before,

but last night...

I mean, look at me.

I'm going on and on

while you're sitting

here trying to read.

How's the grammar?

Never mind.

Reese...

This is C-minus work.

All right!

Nice job!

You're not just saying that?

No. This is seriously the best

work I've ever seen you do.

Yes! That's great!

I couldn't have done it

without you!

Thanks, Malcolm.

BOTH:

Ew!

I kicked your ass!

LOIS:

You got another "F"!

Mom, I read that paper.

It's not an "F"!

Then what is this?

We've been studying

four hours a night.

Well, guess what.

It's not enough.

You're going to study

eight hours a night

if that's what it takes

to get your grades up,

and that's what

you're going to do.

But, Mom...

I don't see a mother here.

All I see is a warden

with two prisoners

who are out of their cell.

Now get back in there!

HAL:

Oh, oh, oh!

Not like this.

(screaming)

I'm okay! I'm okay!

Okay, you know what?

It's freezing, but

I don't need heat

'cause I got

justice on my side.

Mom will cave.

She'll cave.

It's going to

be so sweet.

(grunts)

Could you do that in

the bathroom, Richie?

Dude, no one's going in there

for at least six hours.

Well, then, could you do it

over a wastebasket or something?

And can we cool it

on the porno for,

like, five minutes?

Yeah. When this is over,

I'll just pop in

Sluts of the Big Ten.

No. No more porn.

Dude...

that's a documentary.

Ow!

God, my eye!

Hey, try to find

that toenail, Francis.

It is so creepy

to step on those things.

Ow!

Come on, Reese, the

test is in two hours!

This is too much, Malcolm.

I'll never pass this thing.

There's 30 true-false

questions and five essays.

It's impossible.

So, Reese,

today's the big test?

What do you have to get

on this thing

to say out of remedial class?

A "B."

(laughter)

No, guys, he's serious.

But you're... an idiot.

You're right.

Yeah. The only way

this idiot's going

to pass the test

is if somebody else

takes it for the idiot.

Right, idiot?

Stevie set the precedent!

You had a chance

for rebuttal,

but since you

didn't answer

you waived your right!

Therefore, it's an

agreed-upon term!

What am I going to do?

I can't get put in

the remedial class.

They walk to

the cafeteria

holding each other's belts.

Unless...

maybe Lloyd's right.

Maybe someone should

take the test for you.

You mean cheat?

We can't cheat.

Mom will kill us.

And it's wrong.

But more importantly,

Mom would kill us!

Hey, we're out

of options here, Reese.

You're going to get caught.

No, we're not.

And you know why?

Because we have four

brilliant minds here

to help plan this out.

You had to appeal to my vanity,

didn't you?

I'm in.

I'm sorry,

but I am honor-bound

to report this conversation

to the vice-principal.

Then we're

honor-bound to report

you still sleep

with an Elmo blankie.

Okay, I'm in.

We, uh...

here's the VCR you ordered.

I didn't order a VCR.

Yes, you did!

Feel free to call and verify.

I know the extension number.

There's someone there right now.

That won't be...

Or you can take a look

at this A/V

equipment schedule.

Your name and class hour's

right here on page seven

in nonstudent handwriting.

WOODWARD:

All right.

Go ahead and leave it.

Okay.

No, no, you said

you didn't order a cart

so you're not going to get one.

We'll just be leaving and

pushing this out the door.

Ah, here it is!

Hey, watch out!

Be... the cannonball.

Are you all right?

Way to go... hot rod!

(coughing)

Okay, well, there's the rat.

No, Tony, that's not fair.

Today it's my cartoons

before school

and your cartoons after school.

Fine, Tony, be that way.

I don't want to be

your friend anyway.

Tony!

I can't stay mad at you either.

Hey...

Did you get that

history test back yet?

Not yet.

No, haven't seen it.

You both better

pray for a "B."

Hey, did Francis call

you at work yet?

No. No, I haven't talked to him

since he...

He thinks he's making

some kind of point

by cutting off all contact.

You know, he should know.

Till he's ready

to apologize,

there's really no

reason to call.

I can't wait to see

the look on his face

when he realizes that

we have figured him out.

Ah! What have we

to figure out, dear?

That I'm in it

for the long haul.

He should know

I am prepared

to go the distance!

You know, I think he likes

tomatoes on his sandwich.

Other bag, Hal.

Ah, right. Bye.

Bye.

LLOYD:

A masterful "B,"

Malcolm.

I could never dumb

myself down like this.

I find this "F"

very troubling.

Something... stinks.

He knows we cheated!

We're going to have

to start cutting separate deals.

He doesn't know anything,

Dabney.

I'm gonna go talk to him.

Mr. Woodward?

I'm Malcolm,

I'm Reese's brother.

Oh, hi, how are you?

Well, Reese is upset.

He thinks he did

better than an "F"

on his history test.

I read it over,

and I sort of thought...

it wasn't half bad.

Do you think

there's any way

you can maybe

take another look?

Malcolm, you should be

commended for your fraternity,

but, uh, the test

deserved an "F."

Mr. Woodward, maybe if you

just looked at it again...

I can't spend a disproportionate

amount of time on Reese.

It's not fair

to the other students.

But he didn't deserve

an "F" on this.

Look, Malcolm, I-I've been

a teacher for a long time

and, uh, I think I know

what Reese is capable of.

I really don't think

you do, because...

Look, you may not want

to hear this about your brother,

but I've known kids like Reese

my whole life.

They're the ones

who throw water at you

so it looks like

you wet your pants.

They aim for your legs

in dodgeball,

and you fall down

and you break your jaw

and you need to have

your mouth wired shut

and your teeth

don't set properly.

And you spend six years

in orthodontia

with the most painfully

embarrassing headgear

ever designed,

which is only because they

don't feel fully actualized.

That guy's totally

out to get you.

Man! I was just using that

as an excuse.

He is so dead

when Mom finds out!

Reese, we can't bust him.

If we rat him out,

then Mom will know

we cheated.

We're doomed.

KIDS (chanting):

Two is after one.

Three is after two.

Four is after three.

Something is after something

and then we get

to ten!

(footsteps on stairs)

Good lord!

FRANCIS:

Thank God

you're here!

I was afraid you weren't going

to get my message at work.

What happened

to your eye...?

Hey, how do you guys want

your burgers?

Just a sec, man.

All right, so

I got it all worked out.

You tell Mom that you need me

to repair the lawnmower,

and then I hang out

and I just...

No, no, I-I'm just not going

to do that, Francis.

Hey, you

guys better

figure it out quick.

This cheap-ass trash can's

melting.

Well, maybe you could

talk to her then?

Just calm her down

so that I could come

home, maybe today even?

Francis, you've got to stop

putting me in the middle!

What, you're just going to let

her win this round, too?!

Francis, there is

nothing that I can do.

You know what

the problem is here?

You and your mother

are exactly alike!

That's a lie!

That is true!

You're both stubborn

and unwilling to bend.

So, fine, you win!

Congratulations!

This is your prize!

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go.

It smells like something died

in here.

Your father's right, man.

Sometimes you can be

so stupid.

Uh-oh.

WOODWARD:

I'm sorry.

No one wanted it to

turn out this way.

I feel like

I let Reese down.

Just keep moving, Tony.

So where does

this leave us?

I think it's best if we make

the switch as soon as possible.

We need to look at this

as an opportunity.

Big opportunity,

being in the dumb class.

Reese, this isn't

what I wanted,

but you haven't

left us any choice.

Mom, don't do this.

It's not

Reese's fault.

He didn't deserve an "F"

on that test.

Malcolm, we've already

had this discussion.

I saw the test,

he did a good job.

He deserved a "B."

This guy is totally

out to get him.

Malcolm...

Look, I'm sorry

you feel that way,

but you can't blame me

for Reese's shortcomings.

Mom, this is the test.

Take a look

at this question.

"What was the cause

of the Great Depression?"

He put down "Black Thursday."

That's a correct answer.

No, that's only

a partial answer.

To get full credit

he should have included

the vast overproduction

in the U.S.,

protectionism

in the foreign markets....

Overexpansion

of credit

and stock market

speculation?

Yes. That would

have been

a complete answer.

Ha! You didn't read

the answer

because that's exactly

what I wrote.

"I" wrote?

The royal "I,"

as in Reese.

Because I think

we can all identify

with what he's going through.

You took that test,

didn't you?

You cheated...

You let him cheat for you?

You gave something

he wrote an "F"?!

(thunder crashes)

You are out to get him.

Oh, I can't wait to see you

expelled or disbarred

or whatever it is they do

to creepy little men

who abuse their power.

There is no need

for name-calling.

I suggest we just leave

things as they are...

Oh, I don't think so.

WOODWARD:

Here's the situation:

if you notify the school,

then the school will find out

Malcolm cheated.

He'll be expelled.

Don't you threaten me.

This isn't a threat.

I just don't think

you'd throw away

the son who achieves for...

well, Reese.

You don't think I'd

sacrifice this one?

Let me explain

something to you.

I would sell Malcolm

down the river

in a heartbeat

to save Reese.

What?

Malcolm's

gonna be fine

no matter what happens.

Maybe he'll have to go

to junior college or

start off blue collar,

but he'll work his way up

to management eventually.

Reese is the one

who needs saving.

I don't believe you.

No mother could ever be

that callous to her own son.

Mom, please let me come home!

I'm cold and I'm hungry!

Please,

I'll fix the roof!

I'll paint the house,

I'll do anything, Mom!

Please, just let me live

indoors, Mom!

Please, I want to be warm again!

Mom, please!

(sobbing)

Maybe we can work something out.

There you go, Tony.

Night-night.

Oh, my God, look at

the size of that thing.

(screams)

Dewey, what in the...?

Run, Tony, Run!

Why are they always named Tony?

Bye, Tony.

I love you.

(hammers pounding)

Yeah, it's cold, filthy

and dangerous,

but I say we got off easy.

If we all pitch in,

we should be done in a week.

Hey, hurry up.

I'm trying.

I've got tar in my eyes.