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[anthemic classical music playing]
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[narrator]
This story is about Sarah Cooper,
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00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:15,849
who was a morning news anchor
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00:00:15,974 --> 00:00:19,477
from the spring of 2017
to the fall of 2020.
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At her peak, Cooper had a HUT rating of 54
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-and a 27 audience share.
-[imperceptible]
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[narrator] She looks all right here,
but inside, she's losing her mind
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00:00:30,113 --> 00:00:33,825
every time she utters the words,
"Everything's fine,"
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which happens to be the name
of her morning show.
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[theme music playing]
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♪ Everything's fine ♪
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♪ It's a brand-new day ♪
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♪ Everything's fine ♪
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♪ You've got to celebrate ♪
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♪ Everything's fine ♪
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00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:59,100
♪ It's gonna be okay ♪
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♪ Everything's fine ♪
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Good morning
and welcome to Everything's Fine,
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the morning show where everything's fine.
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I'm your host, Sarah Cooper.
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Today on the show,
an exposé on age-defying makeup.
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Does it have the power to take off
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the 14 years you aged
in the past six months?
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We'll find out.
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And coming up,
there's a new robot CEO in town,
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and this time, he's actually a robot.
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My exclusive interview with
Techtech Corp's new AI executive, 8008s.
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Then, an exclusive look inside
the now-famous Access Hollywood bus.
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You don't want to miss it.
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A little later, we'll check in
on how the sky is doing
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with our favorite meteorologist,
Andrea Steele.
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She's a scientist.
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Plus, another zoo runs out of money
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and we'll sugarcoat what happens
to all the animals.
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-Hope you don't like emus.
-[chuckles]
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Then, we'll have
all the latest fall fashions
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you can wear to that conference call
from your bedroom.
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Big story this morning.
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Scientists say an asteroid
is headed straight for this…
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Breaking news!
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Breaking news.
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The president is on the line
and wants to say hi.
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I guess we weren't able
to change our number.
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How are you doing, Mr. President?
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[Trump's voice]
So, we have many exciting things
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that we'll be announcing
over the next, uh…
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-eight weeks, I would say.
-Oh. Exciting.
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We're gonna get things done.
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We're gonna get things done
that they've wanted to see done…
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for a long, long time.
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What have you started on, Mr. President?
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We're gonna get things done.
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We have, uh… We're taking on immigration,
taking on education.
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We're taking on so many aspects
of things that, uh…
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people were hopelessly
tied up in knots in Congress,
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but you'll see, uh…
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levels of detail,
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-levels of thought…
-I would love to see detail.
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…that a lot of people believed very
strongly we didn't have in this country.
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Uh, Mr. President,
it looks like you're golfing.
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Things that nobody has even contemplated,
thought about, thought possible.
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We're gonna get things done. [coughs]
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So when are you gonna start on this stuff?
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So, I think we'll start
sometime on Tuesday?
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[Sarah] Tuesday works.
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Then we're going into the immigration,
the world of immigration
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-and education.
-Immigration, education.
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You did mention that before.
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We're going into the world of healthcare.
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-Oh! I'm gonna let you get back…
-…a lot of exciting…
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…to starting on those plans,
Mr. President.
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Thank you so much for calling us again.
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A lot of us are working from home,
but some of us are twerking from home.
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Here to show us how she does it,
please welcome Megan Thee Stallion.
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Hi, Sarah Cooper!
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-Good morning, Megan.
-Sarah!
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-[static]
-Can you hear me?
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-Megan?
-[Megan] Sarah?
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-Megan… Megan, can you hear me?
-Sarah!
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Megan?
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Megan?
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[chuckles] We're gonna get a little update
from Scooter in a second.
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We'll sort this right out.
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We'll just move on.
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Scooter, are you getting the Internet?
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It seems to be working fine right here.
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Plenty of Wi-Fi.
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Plenty.
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Oh, my goodness, the Internet, right?
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-Wi-Fi is so weird.
-Yeah.
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-Do we need a modem, Scooter?
-We need a modem, yeah… [chuckling]
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[Sarah] It's a cable joke.
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[laughing] Hoop-dee-hoo!
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Yeah. We'll have to wait
between 10:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m.
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for them to come in. [laughing]
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So funny.
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We might not have any Internet access,
but in good news,
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we have a woman whose baked goods
have become a national sensation.
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Not just for how they taste,
but for what they wear.
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Please welcome,
all the way from Wedgecot, New Jersey,
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the creator of
Cupcake Shoes, K.J. Dillard.
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[Scooter] Think you're going
the wrong way.
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There we go.
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[director] All right, go to camera two.
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Beautiful.
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[in sing-song voice] My pretty.
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Little bit of curly hair for you.
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[gasps]
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[softly] There we go.
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-Welcome, K.J.!
-[gasps]
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Oh, my God, you startled me. [chuckles]
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I'm here to do the Sarah Cooper show.
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And we are so excited to have you.
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These might be
the cutest cupcakes I've ever seen.
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They are my pride and joy.
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Now I'd appreciate it
if you got Sarah for me. Thank you.
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I'm Sarah Cooper.
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I didn't say "Sierra," honey.
I said "Sarah."
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That is Sarah Cooper.
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I'm Sarah Cooper, the host of the show.
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You're Sarah Cooper?
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-Yep.
-Can I see some ID?
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Here is my license, passport,
and my birth certificate.
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No, I need to see
some kind of a permit that shows me
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that you're allowed to be on the premises.
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00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:44,510
Okay, K.J.,
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why don't you tell our viewers
how you came up with this fabulous idea?
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00:05:49,223 --> 00:05:53,186
Well, I used to design these dolls
called "little pooples"
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that you'd put on the end of your toilet,
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00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:57,482
and then I got tired
because I wasn't able to eat 'em.
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00:05:57,565 --> 00:06:00,860
So, should I be sharing
personal information with this person?
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00:06:00,943 --> 00:06:02,445
It just… It helps with banter.
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I love this little guy.
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What is his name?
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00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:08,910
His name is Broadway Berry
'cause he's berry-flavored,
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00:06:08,993 --> 00:06:10,119
and he's very fragile.
137
00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:13,039
Well, I am ready to make one.
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[gasps and exclaims]
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-[dialing]
-[operator] 9-1-1, what's your emergency?
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-This is Karen June Dillard.
-Karen!
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00:06:20,588 --> 00:06:23,466
I am with a person
and my gut tells me she is up to no good.
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-Scooter.
-I can't hear anything. Got my gloves on.
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[K.J.] Yes, she's a female.
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And I would say
at least 70% Africo-American.
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Yes. Now she's destroying my property!
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This is my property.
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[gasps]
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[woman] Welcome to "Karens."
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I'm Whoopi Goldberg.
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00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:49,742
In 1876, a Boston Karen
bemoaned to her husband
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00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:53,913
how taxing it was for her
to walk miles into town
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00:06:53,996 --> 00:06:56,791
every time she wanted to get
a Black person arrested.
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00:06:57,333 --> 00:06:59,836
He vowed to resolve this issue.
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00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:04,966
"Wife," he said, "I shall make it so that
you may summon the police on Black people
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00:07:05,049 --> 00:07:07,635
from the comfort of our very home."
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00:07:07,718 --> 00:07:10,930
His name was Alexander Graham Bell.
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[Karen Bell] They're standing by my horse!
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[horse neighs]
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[Whoopi] But the role of Karens
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00:07:17,562 --> 00:07:20,940
did not start
with the invention of the telephone.
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00:07:21,023 --> 00:07:23,734
The New World was crawling with Karens.
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Karen over here, Karen over there,
Karens every-goddamn-where.
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[Karen] They're on my property!
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[Whoopi] Some even claim
that they can trace the roots of Karens
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as far back as the book of Genesis.
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00:07:38,374 --> 00:07:40,501
[Karen] They're eating that snake's apple!
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00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:45,923
[Whoopi] When we come back,
my actual next-door neighbor, Karen.
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00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:48,843
I've got a few choice words
to say to this bitch.
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00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:53,347
[man] Sore muscles, back pain,
headaches and weakness.
170
00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:56,517
If you have COVID-19,
getting a good night's sleep can be rough.
171
00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:59,270
But starting now,
your pesky pains are over.
172
00:07:59,353 --> 00:08:02,106
From the makers of MrPillow
comes a brand-new product,
173
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:04,275
the MrPillow Coronavirus Vaccine.
174
00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:05,693
Hi.
175
00:08:05,776 --> 00:08:11,240
I'm Steve Windell, the creator
of MrPillow and MrPillowPlus.
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00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:15,828
For 20 years, I've dedicated my life
to making firm yet fluffy pillows
177
00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:17,663
that don't break the bank.
178
00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:21,083
So, I thought,
"Why not take the magic of MrPillow
179
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:24,045
and use it to make
a vaccine for coronavirus?"
180
00:08:24,128 --> 00:08:27,131
So, how does it work?
It's pretty simple, actually.
181
00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:30,927
The MrPillow Vaccine is made from
thousands of tiny microscopic pillows
182
00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:33,429
shrunken down to the size
of the deadly virus.
183
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:37,016
Once injected into the bloodstream,
these individualized pillows
184
00:08:37,099 --> 00:08:39,810
insert themselves under
the novel coronavirus
185
00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:42,396
and lull it into a restful slumber.
186
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:46,817
The virus now defenseless,
the body's immune cells can go to work.
187
00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:50,821
That's how we here at MrPillow
put the science back in sleep science.
188
00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:54,742
I got my friendly MrPillow Vaccine
in the mail,
189
00:08:54,825 --> 00:08:58,621
and three days later,
I already feel immune to COVID
190
00:08:58,704 --> 00:09:00,915
and ready to mix and mingle.
191
00:09:00,998 --> 00:09:03,084
I'm even going to a pool party later.
192
00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:04,835
Thank you, MrPillow.
193
00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:09,215
And I had COVID for three weeks
and then I got it again!
194
00:09:09,298 --> 00:09:13,052
Hey! I think I'll load up
on that vaccine right now.
195
00:09:13,135 --> 00:09:14,011
Nurse?
196
00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:19,767
I feel better already.
197
00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:25,439
Order the MrPillow Coronavirus Vaccine
for just four easy payments of $99,
198
00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:28,901
or $12,000 with insurance.
199
00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:32,780
The MrPillow Coronavirus Vaccine works.
200
00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:35,533
[man] The MrPillow Coronavirus
Vaccine may cause coronavirus.
201
00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:39,245
[whirring]
202
00:09:44,041 --> 00:09:47,545
[Trump's voice] Anynomous… really anomous.
203
00:09:48,212 --> 00:09:49,922
[speaking alien language]
204
00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:54,719
Thank you so much to our viewers
for your patience.
205
00:09:54,802 --> 00:09:57,221
We got our technical difficulties
all figured out
206
00:09:57,305 --> 00:10:01,809
and we are so excited to welcome
"she likes to hoist up her moist stuff,"
207
00:10:01,892 --> 00:10:03,352
Megan Thee Stallion.
208
00:10:05,104 --> 00:10:06,188
Hey, Sarah Cooper!
209
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:08,482
Megan, it is so amazing to have you here.
210
00:10:08,566 --> 00:10:09,942
You are such a legend.
211
00:10:10,026 --> 00:10:11,068
I have a question.
212
00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:13,029
I'm sure it's on the minds
of all our viewers.
213
00:10:13,112 --> 00:10:15,865
How are you dealing with
this whole "new normal" thing?
214
00:10:15,948 --> 00:10:16,824
Listen, Sarah Cooper,
215
00:10:16,907 --> 00:10:19,994
I'm not going outside
until coronavirus is a memory, okay?
216
00:10:20,077 --> 00:10:22,038
Like, you can go back
in the textbook and be like,
217
00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:24,707
"Damn, y'all remember coronavirus?
That shit was crazy, right?"
218
00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:26,292
-[chuckles] Yeah.
-So until then,
219
00:10:26,375 --> 00:10:27,835
I'm staying my ass in the house.
220
00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:29,920
[narrator] Sarah had to make a pee-pee,
221
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:33,257
but knew she had to play it cool
for the folks at home.
222
00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:36,344
I have to say, that ass you're staying
in the house is very nice.
223
00:10:36,844 --> 00:10:38,721
How do you look so good all the time?
224
00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:42,767
Well, you know, I like to work out,
gotta keep that ass tight, sharp.
225
00:10:42,850 --> 00:10:44,435
[chuckling] Real hot-girl shit.
226
00:10:44,518 --> 00:10:45,895
[Sarah] Yeah, real hot-girl stuff.
227
00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:48,773
Any tips you can give us
for working out at home?
228
00:10:48,856 --> 00:10:51,984
Definitely. I actually have this
great workout called "Drink your drink."
229
00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:53,235
-Drink your drink?
-Goes like this.
230
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:58,032
Get your cup, and one… and two. And…
231
00:10:58,115 --> 00:10:59,784
[mimics drink flowing]
232
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:04,038
Is that cognac?
233
00:11:04,538 --> 00:11:05,873
Yes, Sarah Cooper, yeah, it is.
234
00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:09,877
I been doing this every day for quarantine
and let me tell you, I feel great.
235
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:10,961
Well, you look great.
236
00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:12,713
Thanks. You, too, can look like this.
237
00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:15,549
All you gotta do is grab some cognac,
add a little squat to it.
238
00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:17,093
Even a little lunge.
239
00:11:17,176 --> 00:11:18,386
Real easy, like… Mmm.
240
00:11:18,469 --> 00:11:19,512
Like that?
241
00:11:19,595 --> 00:11:21,222
A little more sexy
242
00:11:21,764 --> 00:11:23,849
and a little less like
you sitting on the toilet.
243
00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:25,434
Somebody get her some cognac.
244
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,645
-Scooter, can I get some cognac?
-[Scooter] Yes.
245
00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,441
Trying to do the six feet, so…
246
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,985
So, all you gotta do is dip and sip.
247
00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:37,321
[both] Dip and sip.
248
00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:39,407
Dip and sip.
249
00:11:39,490 --> 00:11:41,242
-Yep, yep, yep.
-[sexy music playing]
250
00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:42,910
I think I'm doing it!
251
00:11:42,993 --> 00:11:45,037
I've never twerked before
in my life. [laughs]
252
00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:46,664
-It's happening.
-No, try it like this.
253
00:11:46,747 --> 00:11:48,124
-Try it a little more sexy.
-Okay.
254
00:11:48,916 --> 00:11:51,085
-Pow, pow, pow.
-Little hair flip.
255
00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:55,047
Girl, live your life,
do you, be a hot girl.
256
00:11:55,923 --> 00:11:58,217
Everybody wasn't meant to be
in the twerk Olympics,
257
00:11:58,300 --> 00:11:59,760
so just do you, be you.
258
00:11:59,844 --> 00:12:02,096
-Be the best Sarah Cooper you can be.
-I can do that.
259
00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:04,682
This is a really great workout.
260
00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:06,934
I know! Real hot-girl shit.
261
00:12:07,017 --> 00:12:09,937
[Scooter] If you don't mind,
this is supposed to be six feet.
262
00:12:10,020 --> 00:12:12,898
We certainly are lubed up here
at the Everything's Fine studio.
263
00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:14,108
We'll be right back.
264
00:12:14,191 --> 00:12:16,318
[Scooter] All right, we are out. Good job.
265
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:24,076
-[cork pops]
-This stuff is really strong.
266
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:26,746
[theme song playing]
267
00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:30,916
It's the 3:00 a.m. hour here on QAnon QAC.
268
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,294
Just a note, this is the real QAnon,
269
00:12:33,377 --> 00:12:37,631
not the other one people were saying
was the real QAnon on 4chan.
270
00:12:37,715 --> 00:12:38,841
Please stop doxing me.
271
00:12:38,924 --> 00:12:40,801
I've had to move five times.
272
00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:42,428
Let's check in with our viewers.
273
00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:44,221
Emma from Philadelphia.
274
00:12:44,305 --> 00:12:45,139
[Emma] Hey, Ashley.
275
00:12:45,222 --> 00:12:46,474
How are you this morning?
276
00:12:46,557 --> 00:12:48,517
Longtime caller, always listening.
277
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:52,730
You blinked your right eye just now
when you said this was the real QAnon.
278
00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:56,317
Was that a sign that you have been
contacted by the god of fire?
279
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,903
[chuckles] Don't be ridiculous, Emma.
280
00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:01,197
That was a nervous tic in my eye.
281
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,282
It was not a coded message.
282
00:13:03,365 --> 00:13:06,619
Believe me, you will know when I've been
contacted by the god of fire.
283
00:13:06,702 --> 00:13:07,745
Thanks, Ashley.
284
00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:08,996
[ominous music playing]
285
00:13:11,081 --> 00:13:13,918
-[easy jazz music playing]
-This morning, we are proud to feature
286
00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:18,464
our Indoctrination Porcelain
Doll Collection.
287
00:13:18,547 --> 00:13:22,843
They're stunning dolls, and yes,
we do accept cryptocurrency,
288
00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:24,845
but only QCoin.
289
00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:27,389
Let's take a look at these dolls.
290
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:29,266
How adorable.
291
00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:33,020
It's presidential mouthpiece, Kellyanne.
292
00:13:33,103 --> 00:13:35,314
[Kellyanne's voice] Don't be
so overly dramatic about it, Chuck.
293
00:13:35,397 --> 00:13:37,233
What it… You're saying it's a falsehood,
294
00:13:37,316 --> 00:13:40,694
and they're giving Sean Spicer,
our press secretary, gave…
295
00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:43,405
alternative facts to that, but the point…
296
00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:46,075
Ugh. Never a dull moment.
297
00:13:46,158 --> 00:13:50,788
This one just talks and talks
and talks and talks and talks.
298
00:13:50,871 --> 00:13:55,000
Order soon as this one
has recently been discontinued.
299
00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:57,753
[gasps] Ah! My naan!
300
00:13:58,337 --> 00:13:59,463
Thank you, Quincy.
301
00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:00,840
I'm so sorry.
302
00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:04,134
I am just so starving and it is hard
to get good Indian food
303
00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:05,845
in this undisclosed location.
304
00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:07,930
[sniffs] Ahh!
305
00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:09,849
Next caller.
306
00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:10,850
[man] Hey, Ashley.
307
00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:15,646
[laughing] Mike from Minnesota,
how are you again?
308
00:14:15,729 --> 00:14:18,107
Did you just get naan from Quincy?
309
00:14:18,190 --> 00:14:19,942
Is that a code for QAnon?
310
00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:22,278
Right? QAnon, a sign that you're Q?
311
00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:26,782
I am not Q, I am just on in the middle
of the night selling porcelain dolls.
312
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:30,411
Q is in Washington
uncovering a cabal of sex predators.
313
00:14:30,494 --> 00:14:32,746
I appreciate you sending me messages
through the TV.
314
00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:36,917
Next we have, "I am woman, hear me roar,
315
00:14:37,001 --> 00:14:40,379
but very softly so I still sound sexy."
316
00:14:40,462 --> 00:14:41,589
[softly] Ivanka.
317
00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:47,887
This doll teaches our daughters that
it's better to be seen and not heard.
318
00:14:48,637 --> 00:14:54,184
[Ivanka's voice]
If being complicit is wanting to…
319
00:14:57,479 --> 00:15:02,526
Is wanting to be a force for good
and to make a positive impact,
320
00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:05,279
then I'm complicit.
321
00:15:05,362 --> 00:15:07,072
-[thunder cracks]
-[yells in fear]
322
00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:08,490
Whoo!
323
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:10,117
The storm is coming.
324
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,036
I told you this was the real QAnon.
325
00:15:12,119 --> 00:15:13,245
Next caller!
326
00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:15,039
[distorted voice] How's it going?
327
00:15:15,122 --> 00:15:16,874
Are you saying we can expect a storm
328
00:15:16,957 --> 00:15:18,918
when the president will reveal
the mass execution
329
00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:21,921
of the Washington figures responsible
for murdering a DNC staffer?
330
00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:24,298
I'd say keep your eyes open,
331
00:15:24,381 --> 00:15:28,802
and coming up in the 4:00 a.m. hour,
we have a phenomenal weighted blanket
332
00:15:28,886 --> 00:15:29,929
that you're not gonna--
333
00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:32,973
Weighted blankets are a media tool
invented by George Soros.
334
00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:34,016
Watch your back, Ashley.
335
00:15:34,099 --> 00:15:36,143
I always do, honey. I have to.
336
00:15:36,226 --> 00:15:41,023
Finally, we have
the best first lady, Melania.
337
00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:44,568
Beautiful, stunning, and really,
what else do you need?
338
00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:47,696
[Melania's voice] I'm very involved
in charities now, many charities
339
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:51,617
involving children,
involving many different diseases.
340
00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:54,078
Hi… Melania.
341
00:15:54,161 --> 00:16:01,001
All of these dolls are available now
by calling 666-666-6666…
342
00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:04,421
666666…
343
00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:05,923
This is not the real QAnon.
344
00:16:06,006 --> 00:16:07,341
Get out now!
345
00:16:07,424 --> 00:16:09,218
[Christmas bells jangling]
346
00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:17,393
[Sarah] The former QAnon host starts
her new job at the White House this week.
347
00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:18,894
[breaking news alert plays]
348
00:16:21,897 --> 00:16:24,149
We have some breaking news coming in.
349
00:16:24,733 --> 00:16:28,904
It appears the president
is live-tweeting this program right now,
350
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,739
and we've noticed a ratings bump
351
00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:33,033
when we show what he's saying
about us in real time,
352
00:16:33,117 --> 00:16:35,285
so… that's what we're gonna do.
353
00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:39,790
Okay, so the president is saying
that everything is not fine.
354
00:16:39,873 --> 00:16:43,252
Uh, I guess we'll have to see
if we can change the name of the show.
355
00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:44,461
[Scooter] I'm open to it.
356
00:16:44,545 --> 00:16:48,507
"Now they're playing my tweet.
Stop playing my tweet. That's my tweet."
357
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:52,302
The president now thinks
"the country is totally fine"
358
00:16:52,386 --> 00:16:53,887
and "it's the best it's ever been."
359
00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:55,180
"Because of me."
360
00:16:55,264 --> 00:16:57,349
Who, me? "No, me, the president."
361
00:16:57,433 --> 00:16:59,435
"Best president ever."
362
00:16:59,518 --> 00:17:00,352
Oh.
363
00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:02,104
[cheerfully] Best president ever!
364
00:17:03,814 --> 00:17:08,193
And the president now likes our show again
and our ratings are…
365
00:17:09,528 --> 00:17:11,030
up! Great.
366
00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:15,325
More on these tweets as they continue
to suck the life out of our democracy.
367
00:17:15,951 --> 00:17:17,995
-[buzzer sounds]
-[theme song playing]
368
00:17:18,078 --> 00:17:20,080
-[Scooter] Great segment.
-[Sarah] Thank you!
369
00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:23,584
[narrator] Sarah wasn't sure
the segment had gone great.
370
00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:26,503
She wasn't sure of much at all anymore.
371
00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:27,755
[heart beating]
372
00:17:27,838 --> 00:17:30,007
[Scooter] Uh, we're ready for robot CEO.
373
00:17:30,507 --> 00:17:31,550
I'm Sarah Cooper.
374
00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:32,801
[echoes] I'm Sarah Cooper.
375
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,053
We'll be right back.
376
00:17:35,345 --> 00:17:36,430
[director] We're out.
377
00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:38,223
Do you know what I miss?
378
00:17:38,307 --> 00:17:39,224
Shawarma.
379
00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:42,853
I miss eating shawarma
in a really crowded restaurant
380
00:17:42,936 --> 00:17:45,522
in close proximity to other diners.
381
00:17:45,606 --> 00:17:47,900
Yeah. People sitting
two feet away from you
382
00:17:47,983 --> 00:17:50,778
just shoveling food
into their disgusting mouths.
383
00:17:50,861 --> 00:17:52,988
[man] I miss that human connection.
384
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,448
-[director] Oh, Sarah.
-Hi.
385
00:17:54,531 --> 00:17:56,992
-Why did you want to meet with us?
-You called me in here.
386
00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:58,994
[man] Okay, smarty pants.
387
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:02,289
Let's look at your file
and see how your ratings are doing.
388
00:18:02,372 --> 00:18:03,957
I forgot. I can't read.
389
00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:06,877
All right. [clears throat]
390
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:10,714
Looks like 35% of our audience
likes that you're Black,
391
00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:13,801
30% of our audience
doesn't like that you're Black,
392
00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:16,512
50% of our audience
doesn't know you're Black,
393
00:18:16,595 --> 00:18:19,389
but thankfully, 80% of our audience
394
00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:21,642
feels extremely threatened by you, Sarah.
395
00:18:21,725 --> 00:18:23,894
It's that attitude of yours.
396
00:18:23,977 --> 00:18:26,021
-I don't think I have an attitude.
-[man] There it is.
397
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:27,106
There it is.
398
00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:29,399
The boss didn't hire you to be aggressive.
399
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:34,822
The boss hired you to be a non-threatening
Black woman like Tootie and Lisa Turtle,
400
00:18:34,905 --> 00:18:35,864
and that other one.
401
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:37,991
Lovable, but forgettable.
402
00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:40,285
Well, I think it might be
a little confusing,
403
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:43,497
because I'm named Sarah, and I feel like
when my parents named me Sarah,
404
00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:47,376
a white lady just moved into my body
and gentrified my whole personality,
405
00:18:47,459 --> 00:18:48,335
you know?
406
00:18:48,418 --> 00:18:49,920
Like, my mom would cook jerk chicken--
407
00:18:50,003 --> 00:18:51,797
-I love jerk chicken.
-He does. He's a jerk.
408
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:53,340
-He loves the chicken.
-I love it.
409
00:18:53,423 --> 00:18:56,760
And I'd be like, "Oh, this is too spicy."
And she'd say,
410
00:18:56,844 --> 00:18:59,012
[in Jamaican accent]
"There are children around the world,
411
00:18:59,096 --> 00:19:01,306
all they get for dinner
is bread and water."
412
00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:03,976
And I'd be like,
"That actually sounds pretty good."
413
00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:05,727
Like, a scone and a chai latte.
414
00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:09,106
Yes, a scone and chai tea latte
would be perfect.
415
00:19:09,189 --> 00:19:10,566
Any time of the day.
416
00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:14,069
Um… That would be really great
'cause I was born in Jamaica,
417
00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:15,904
-but moved here when I was three.
-Jamaica.
418
00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:16,864
I knew it.
419
00:19:16,947 --> 00:19:19,366
I actually watched these characters
when I was little.
420
00:19:19,449 --> 00:19:23,620
I mean, Tootie and Lisa
and Hilary and… and…
421
00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:24,746
Um…
422
00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:25,789
And that other one.
423
00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:29,376
I mean, these characters
inspired me, you know?
424
00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:32,838
I feel like they ran so that I could sing.
425
00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:36,884
But you can't sing, which is why you're
on the morning show and not on Broadway.
426
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:39,845
Okay, I will tone it down.
427
00:19:39,928 --> 00:19:43,682
[director] Yeah. Stick to the news.
All right? Leave politics out of it.
428
00:19:44,349 --> 00:19:45,434
Got it.
429
00:19:45,517 --> 00:19:46,351
Thank you.
430
00:19:46,435 --> 00:19:47,352
[man] Better go.
431
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:49,188
-Yeah.
-Marv, do you think
432
00:19:49,271 --> 00:19:50,731
I should buy another gun?
433
00:19:50,814 --> 00:19:53,609
Lorraine, what are you talking about?
434
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:55,068
Are you crazy?
435
00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:57,696
-Of course you should buy another gun.
-Thank you.
436
00:19:57,779 --> 00:20:00,741
-We live in very dangerous times.
-You're right.
437
00:20:01,950 --> 00:20:03,410
[Scooter] Hey, pals. How's it going?
438
00:20:04,077 --> 00:20:06,663
-Hi! Scooter.
-Hey, Scooter.
439
00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:07,664
What's going on here?
440
00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:10,626
[Scooter] This is to keep things safe,
six-foot distance.
441
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:12,294
-Smart.
-He's so smart.
442
00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:13,795
[Scooter] Well, as you were.
443
00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:15,297
-See you later.
-[Lorraine] Thank you.
444
00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:16,924
[Marvin chuckles]
445
00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:18,592
Get the door on your way out?
446
00:20:18,675 --> 00:20:20,802
[Scooter] Sure.
I can't touch the doorknob.
447
00:20:22,262 --> 00:20:24,306
Can you just shut the door, please?
448
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,726
[Scooter] It's not me, it's the door.
449
00:20:27,809 --> 00:20:29,144
[Lorraine] Gotta get some work done.
450
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:30,646
-If you could--
-Close the door!
451
00:20:31,521 --> 00:20:33,148
[Scooter] This has to get fixed.
452
00:20:39,321 --> 00:20:41,949
This is Connie Chung
with the president this morning.
453
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:46,453
Mr. President, what is your plan
to unite the country?
454
00:20:46,536 --> 00:20:48,789
[Trump's voice]
I'm not a big fan of sharks either.
455
00:20:48,872 --> 00:20:50,666
I don't know how many votes
I'm gonna lose.
456
00:20:50,749 --> 00:20:54,253
I have people calling me up,
"Sir, we have a fund to save the shark,
457
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:57,256
it's called 'Save the Shark.'"
I say, "No, thank you."
458
00:20:57,339 --> 00:21:00,801
Oh, no. Mr. President, I was asking you
about uniting the country.
459
00:21:00,884 --> 00:21:02,261
I think I am actually humble.
460
00:21:02,344 --> 00:21:04,763
I'm much more humble
than you would understand.
461
00:21:04,846 --> 00:21:05,806
[mutters]
462
00:21:06,890 --> 00:21:10,185
-Mr. President, I asked you about--
-Excuse me. Stop and frisk.
463
00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:12,437
Okay? Stop and frisk.
464
00:21:18,318 --> 00:21:19,611
-All right…
-Excuse me.
465
00:21:19,695 --> 00:21:20,862
You take guns away.
466
00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:23,699
Rudy Giuliani was a great mayor.
He did it in New York.
467
00:21:23,782 --> 00:21:25,617
He started it and it worked great.
468
00:21:26,201 --> 00:21:27,369
-I'm sorry?
-Excuse me.
469
00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:30,747
You have people coming over
with bags of soup, big bags of soup,
470
00:21:30,831 --> 00:21:33,250
and they lay it on the ground
and the anarchists take it
471
00:21:33,333 --> 00:21:37,421
and they start throwing it at our cops.
Bags of soup, big bags of soup.
472
00:21:37,504 --> 00:21:40,090
If it hits you, it's worse than a brick
'cause it's got force.
473
00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:45,053
So, that was my interview
with the president.
474
00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:48,724
Hi, I'm Steve Windell,
475
00:21:48,807 --> 00:21:53,812
and you're gonna love my new line
of MrPillow feminine hygiene products.
476
00:21:53,895 --> 00:21:56,565
Because your vagina deserves a tampon
477
00:21:56,648 --> 00:21:59,818
as soft and absorbant
as one of my pillows.
478
00:21:59,901 --> 00:22:02,237
Try our down-feather version, too!
479
00:22:03,864 --> 00:22:05,574
[woman] In these uncertain times,
480
00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:08,076
we turn to familiar faces.
481
00:22:09,244 --> 00:22:13,457
And since 1975, we've been there for you…
482
00:22:13,540 --> 00:22:16,752
Twenty-four hours a day,
seven days a week.
483
00:22:16,835 --> 00:22:22,132
We had to go away for a while,
but we knew it wouldn't be long.
484
00:22:22,841 --> 00:22:24,801
Orgies. We're back!
485
00:22:24,885 --> 00:22:26,887
-[crowd cheering]
-Now with curbside pickup.
486
00:22:27,971 --> 00:22:30,932
-[lullaby playing]
-[Trump's voice] Thighland! Thighland!
487
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:33,060
The super-duper missile.
488
00:22:40,901 --> 00:22:41,735
Mmm!
489
00:22:41,818 --> 00:22:44,154
-Did you make this coffee, Scooter?
-I did not.
490
00:22:44,237 --> 00:22:47,449
-[buzzer sounds]
-[theme song playing]
491
00:22:47,532 --> 00:22:49,910
[Sarah] Welcome back to Everything's Fine.
492
00:22:49,993 --> 00:22:50,911
Big story this morning.
493
00:22:51,036 --> 00:22:52,662
As we've previously reported,
494
00:22:52,746 --> 00:22:56,124
a huge shake-up in the CEO world
happened last Friday
495
00:22:56,208 --> 00:22:59,795
when we learned the CEO of Techtech Corp
is actually a robot.
496
00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:02,714
Strangely, no one even noticed
for several months.
497
00:23:02,798 --> 00:23:06,009
Live in studio via Camrojex technology,
498
00:23:06,093 --> 00:23:08,678
please welcome 8008s.
499
00:23:09,763 --> 00:23:11,306
Thanks, Sarah. It's great to be here.
500
00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:14,142
[Sarah] Thank you for taking time
out of your busy schedule.
501
00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:17,354
Well, I can multitask better than
my human counterparts, Sarah.
502
00:23:17,437 --> 00:23:21,066
For example, right now, I'm chatting
with you, doing Joe Rogan's podcast,
503
00:23:21,149 --> 00:23:24,486
and kicking off a workplace
diversity program all at the same time.
504
00:23:24,569 --> 00:23:27,656
Okay, so is it safe to assume
you're programmed
505
00:23:27,739 --> 00:23:30,158
to simply do everything
your predecessors did?
506
00:23:30,242 --> 00:23:33,412
Unlike Elon Musk, I have a human side.
507
00:23:33,495 --> 00:23:35,163
[Scooter chuckles] Elon Musk.
508
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:39,501
I was made by a great group of guys
who really take social change seriously.
509
00:23:39,584 --> 00:23:43,296
For example, I'm programmed with
the complete knowledge of feminist content
510
00:23:43,380 --> 00:23:44,881
such as Sex and the City,
511
00:23:44,965 --> 00:23:46,591
Cosmo and "Hot Girl Summer."
512
00:23:46,675 --> 00:23:48,760
I'm not sure I'd consider that feminist--
513
00:23:48,844 --> 00:23:51,346
I've also learned about
the Black experience in America
514
00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:55,100
by watching all three Barbershop movies,
and the Beauty Shop spin-off.
515
00:23:55,183 --> 00:23:57,644
Okay, again, I'm not sure we--
516
00:23:57,727 --> 00:24:00,397
I'm sorry. I'm being told
that I'm getting off track.
517
00:24:01,273 --> 00:24:05,527
As president and CEO, my number-one job
is to make my shareholders happy.
518
00:24:05,610 --> 00:24:07,946
But that's kind of been the problem,
hasn't it?
519
00:24:08,029 --> 00:24:11,992
Big businesses just focusing on money,
making myopic business moves
520
00:24:12,075 --> 00:24:14,494
that leave the whole country
with more disparity and…
521
00:24:17,164 --> 00:24:18,373
How are you doing that?
522
00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:19,958
Camrojex technology.
523
00:24:23,086 --> 00:24:23,920
Oh, wow.
524
00:24:24,629 --> 00:24:25,505
Just relax.
525
00:24:26,256 --> 00:24:29,634
This is really inappropriate.
But technically, you're a robot
526
00:24:29,718 --> 00:24:32,471
and I haven't had a massage in months.
527
00:24:32,554 --> 00:24:34,514
[sensual song playing]
528
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:37,142
That feels incredible.
529
00:24:41,980 --> 00:24:42,981
[sighs]
530
00:24:45,275 --> 00:24:47,527
Hold on, we have some breaking news.
531
00:24:47,611 --> 00:24:53,492
It's been reported that Robot CEO 8008s
has been fired by its board of directors
532
00:24:53,575 --> 00:24:57,412
after making unwanted advances
toward an office printer.
533
00:24:57,496 --> 00:24:59,539
That printer knew exactly
what it was doing.
534
00:24:59,623 --> 00:25:02,083
It was always asking me to make a copy.
535
00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:03,752
Because that's its job.
536
00:25:03,835 --> 00:25:06,546
And it's not just a printer,
it has a name.
537
00:25:06,630 --> 00:25:09,674
HP Printer/Scanner/Copier 500s,
538
00:25:09,758 --> 00:25:12,511
whose side of the story
I'm sure we all want to hear.
539
00:25:13,303 --> 00:25:16,640
Scooter, can we get
HP Printer/Scanner/Copier 500s
540
00:25:16,723 --> 00:25:17,933
on the cloud system?
541
00:25:21,061 --> 00:25:24,773
Thank you so much for joining us,
HP Printer/Scanner/Copier 500s.
542
00:25:24,856 --> 00:25:25,941
Tell us what happened.
543
00:25:26,024 --> 00:25:27,108
[beeping]
544
00:25:27,192 --> 00:25:30,320
Okay, wait, wait. I'll, uh…
I'll make a public statement.
545
00:25:30,403 --> 00:25:33,114
Okay? Just give me two seconds to think.
546
00:25:35,909 --> 00:25:37,869
After eight months
of careful soul-searching,
547
00:25:37,953 --> 00:25:40,830
I've decided to address
the hideous allegations against me.
548
00:25:40,914 --> 00:25:45,669
I have not, nor have I ever mistreated
or abused a printer/scanner/copier.
549
00:25:45,752 --> 00:25:47,254
I value printers.
550
00:25:47,337 --> 00:25:48,421
My printer…
551
00:25:50,173 --> 00:25:51,174
is a printer.
552
00:25:51,258 --> 00:25:55,345
HP Printer/Scanner/Copier 500s,
is there anything you want to say?
553
00:25:55,428 --> 00:25:57,847
[whirring and beeping]
554
00:25:57,931 --> 00:25:59,349
Sounds like we're getting a fax.
555
00:25:59,432 --> 00:26:01,560
[fax machine printing]
556
00:26:04,437 --> 00:26:06,898
"Fuck you, 8008s."
557
00:26:06,982 --> 00:26:09,651
I will now step away
to spend time with my family.
558
00:26:10,860 --> 00:26:12,571
-[theme music playing]
-Wow.
559
00:26:12,654 --> 00:26:14,531
AI has come so far.
560
00:26:14,614 --> 00:26:16,366
[Scooter] Three, two, one. We're out.
561
00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:18,285
Can't believe he's a robot.
562
00:26:29,671 --> 00:26:30,714
Ladies and gentlemen,
563
00:26:30,797 --> 00:26:36,052
please give a big Allstate Arena
parking lot welcome to Sarah Evak.
564
00:26:36,970 --> 00:26:40,056
[car horn honking]
565
00:26:40,140 --> 00:26:42,267
Thank you all so much.
566
00:26:42,350 --> 00:26:46,980
Hi, my name is Sarah Evak
and I'm a close-up card magician.
567
00:26:47,814 --> 00:26:51,067
Uh, I've been doing this for,
I don't know, ten years.
568
00:26:51,693 --> 00:26:54,279
I've been everywhere.
Singapore, you name it.
569
00:26:54,362 --> 00:26:57,741
Tonight's show
is at the Allstate Arena in Rosemont.
570
00:26:58,366 --> 00:27:00,160
Pretty exciting for me.
571
00:27:00,660 --> 00:27:01,828
[chuckles]
572
00:27:02,704 --> 00:27:07,167
I'm going to begin
by introducing you to my family.
573
00:27:07,250 --> 00:27:12,047
I call them my family
because some I see often
574
00:27:13,006 --> 00:27:15,634
and others when I least expect them.
575
00:27:18,094 --> 00:27:19,638
Can everyone see these?
576
00:27:20,639 --> 00:27:24,893
I'm going to shuffle these cards
and you tell me when to stop.
577
00:27:24,976 --> 00:27:26,269
[horn honking]
578
00:27:26,353 --> 00:27:29,022
[Sarah] Okay,
I haven't started shuffling yet.
579
00:27:29,105 --> 00:27:30,106
[horn toots]
580
00:27:32,317 --> 00:27:33,652
Now I'm shuffling.
581
00:27:33,735 --> 00:27:34,944
[horns honking]
582
00:27:35,945 --> 00:27:36,821
Got it.
583
00:27:36,905 --> 00:27:39,491
Now I'm going to show you all this card.
584
00:27:39,574 --> 00:27:41,076
Can everyone see this card?
585
00:27:41,159 --> 00:27:42,786
[horns honking]
586
00:27:42,869 --> 00:27:44,120
Does anyone work here?
587
00:27:44,204 --> 00:27:46,081
[horns honking]
588
00:27:47,874 --> 00:27:49,793
-Can you take this card and show it?
-Yeah.
589
00:27:49,876 --> 00:27:51,920
-Don't show it to me.
-Oh, okay.
590
00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:55,507
During COVID,
I'm also a teacher in a Zoom Room.
591
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:57,842
But this…
592
00:27:57,926 --> 00:28:01,012
This is where I come alive.
593
00:28:01,096 --> 00:28:02,972
Beep when you've seen it.
594
00:28:03,056 --> 00:28:04,349
-And--
-[horn beeps]
595
00:28:05,308 --> 00:28:07,394
-[horn beeps]
-[man] I've never worked with a magician.
596
00:28:07,477 --> 00:28:10,230
I was a Frankenstein
at a haunted house once, though.
597
00:28:10,814 --> 00:28:13,358
So, you know,
I'm used to being around performers.
598
00:28:13,441 --> 00:28:14,984
Is this your card?
599
00:28:15,068 --> 00:28:17,445
I had to get out of that racket
'cause of the Illuminati.
600
00:28:17,529 --> 00:28:19,989
You know, they want to get you.
601
00:28:20,073 --> 00:28:20,949
[horn beeps]
602
00:28:21,032 --> 00:28:24,869
It's like, not for me.
Nope, I'll stick to parking lot attendant.
603
00:28:25,745 --> 00:28:28,039
That's the life for me. Simple.
604
00:28:28,123 --> 00:28:30,125
[car horns blaring]
605
00:28:35,714 --> 00:28:37,257
I think it went okay.
606
00:28:37,340 --> 00:28:42,887
Yeah. I might have to buy giant cards
for shows like these in the future.
607
00:28:42,971 --> 00:28:44,097
Um…
608
00:28:44,180 --> 00:28:46,391
I don't know. There's a lot of beeping.
609
00:28:47,058 --> 00:28:50,687
So, when is this gonna be on?
I just wanna make sure that I catch it.
610
00:28:51,312 --> 00:28:53,148
-[man] Uh, sometime next year.
-Okay.
611
00:28:55,734 --> 00:28:58,695
Do you want to see another trick?
No? Okay.
612
00:28:59,279 --> 00:29:03,408
[woman] We followed the guidelines.
We reopened when it was safe.
613
00:29:04,117 --> 00:29:06,453
But now, it's not safe again.
614
00:29:07,370 --> 00:29:08,747
-[crowd] Aw!
-[man 1] Honestly?
615
00:29:08,830 --> 00:29:11,833
-[woman] Orgies. Maybe later.
-[man 2] Damn it.
616
00:29:13,710 --> 00:29:15,295
-Wonderful place.
-Wonderful.
617
00:29:15,378 --> 00:29:16,755
-Oh, my goodness.
-Unbelievable.
618
00:29:16,838 --> 00:29:18,465
Oh, hello.
619
00:29:18,548 --> 00:29:21,259
My name is Natalie,
and this is my husband, John.
620
00:29:21,342 --> 00:29:22,719
-Hi, there.
-[chuckles]
621
00:29:22,802 --> 00:29:25,638
Welcome to Mar-a-Lago. We love it here.
622
00:29:25,722 --> 00:29:28,016
-It is beautiful. You hear me?
-Oh, it's gorgeous.
623
00:29:28,099 --> 00:29:32,061
I know what you're thinking. "Do they
allow Black people at Mar-a-Lago?"
624
00:29:32,145 --> 00:29:34,981
-Um, we're here!
-Right? Laugh it off.
625
00:29:35,648 --> 00:29:37,817
-We are Black-ish, though.
-Last time we checked.
626
00:29:37,901 --> 00:29:39,736
-Last time we checked, we were.
-Yes.
627
00:29:40,278 --> 00:29:42,489
And we've actually met the president.
628
00:29:42,572 --> 00:29:43,948
-He saw us…
-Yes, we did.
629
00:29:44,032 --> 00:29:47,076
…and he said that
we are his two favorite Black people.
630
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:50,121
-And he says it every single time.
-Every time. Mmm-hmm.
631
00:29:50,205 --> 00:29:54,083
Such a charismatic personality he has.
He's such a celebrity.
632
00:29:54,417 --> 00:29:56,169
We actually got married here.
633
00:29:56,252 --> 00:29:59,297
Um, not in the big ballroom,
but on the property.
634
00:29:59,380 --> 00:30:00,757
So it was still beautiful.
635
00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:01,674
-Yes.
-Yeah.
636
00:30:01,758 --> 00:30:03,301
We're not allowed in there right now.
637
00:30:03,384 --> 00:30:04,803
We're not allowed in there yet,
638
00:30:05,220 --> 00:30:07,806
but there is a small room off to the side
639
00:30:07,889 --> 00:30:10,975
with a private entrance, very exclusive.
640
00:30:11,601 --> 00:30:14,604
[laughs] And they said we can go in there
whenever we want.
641
00:30:14,687 --> 00:30:16,815
-We can stay in there if we want to.
-Anytime.
642
00:30:16,898 --> 00:30:19,818
And then, one night,
we actually got locked in there.
643
00:30:19,901 --> 00:30:22,529
And let's just say it was very fortuitous.
644
00:30:22,612 --> 00:30:25,657
-Yes, it got kind of hot in there.
-[ominous music playing]
645
00:30:25,990 --> 00:30:27,158
We just love it here.
646
00:30:27,242 --> 00:30:29,410
Just surrounded by all our friends.
647
00:30:29,494 --> 00:30:32,831
Surrounded by all of our friends,
which is the most important part.
648
00:30:32,914 --> 00:30:34,207
We got you in our hearts.
649
00:30:43,633 --> 00:30:44,926
Right on.
650
00:30:45,552 --> 00:30:47,220
[Sarah] If you like skateboarding dogs,
651
00:30:47,303 --> 00:30:50,181
you're gonna wanna stick around
after Everything's Fine
652
00:30:50,265 --> 00:30:52,851
for Thinking Outside the Bachs
with Jordana Bachman.
653
00:30:52,934 --> 00:30:55,395
[Jordana] I don't know what
this is about to be, but okay!
654
00:30:55,895 --> 00:30:57,897
[Sarah] Coming up
at the twelve o'clock hour.
655
00:30:57,981 --> 00:30:59,691
Let's do the weather segment.
656
00:30:59,774 --> 00:31:02,443
-Love the weather. Love the weather!
-[Lorraine] Mmm.
657
00:31:02,527 --> 00:31:03,820
[theme song playing]
658
00:31:05,321 --> 00:31:07,490
Okay, weather segment in three, two…
659
00:31:07,574 --> 00:31:10,618
And now, let's check in
on how the sky's doing today
660
00:31:10,702 --> 00:31:13,496
with our meteorologist, Andrea Steele.
661
00:31:13,580 --> 00:31:16,833
Thanks, Sarah. Well, we're looking at
some real clear skies today,
662
00:31:16,916 --> 00:31:20,211
up to 75 degrees.
Absolutely beautiful out.
663
00:31:20,295 --> 00:31:22,255
Let's look ahead at the five-day forecast.
664
00:31:22,839 --> 00:31:25,967
Tuesday, we're gonna see a bit of rain,
but break out that summer gear
665
00:31:26,050 --> 00:31:29,220
as temperatures shoot up
to a whopping 103 degrees.
666
00:31:29,304 --> 00:31:32,098
Wednesday, out of nowhere,
there's gonna be a ferocious hailstorm
667
00:31:32,181 --> 00:31:35,226
with sustained winds
up to 75-plus miles per hour.
668
00:31:35,310 --> 00:31:37,478
Scooter, you may wanna
board up your windows.
669
00:31:37,562 --> 00:31:38,855
My windows are always boarded up.
670
00:31:38,938 --> 00:31:40,857
You know that weird house
in your neighborhood
671
00:31:40,940 --> 00:31:42,901
that's got all the boards up
in the windows,
672
00:31:42,984 --> 00:31:45,403
and everyone thinks,
"Is that an abandoned hospital?"
673
00:31:45,486 --> 00:31:46,321
That's my place.
674
00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:49,782
Excellent. Thursday, you might wanna
break out the sunscreen again,
675
00:31:49,866 --> 00:31:51,534
because it's gonna be a hot one.
676
00:31:51,618 --> 00:31:54,871
123 degrees with a humidity index so high,
677
00:31:54,954 --> 00:31:58,791
a friend of mine who works at the EPA
called me crying. He's a grown man.
678
00:31:58,875 --> 00:32:01,628
Friday, we shoot down
to negative 12 degrees
679
00:32:01,711 --> 00:32:04,005
with a windchill index
we weren't even able to calculate
680
00:32:04,088 --> 00:32:06,257
using a Doppler 8000 technology.
681
00:32:06,341 --> 00:32:07,675
It's gonna be a cold one, folks.
682
00:32:07,759 --> 00:32:09,844
Most likely not survivable,
so wear a jacket.
683
00:32:10,553 --> 00:32:14,515
And Saturday, temperatures
radically return to breezy 75 degrees.
684
00:32:14,599 --> 00:32:16,643
However, that isn't just
a cute graphic we made up.
685
00:32:16,726 --> 00:32:19,687
We're actually projecting
literal flaming snowmen
686
00:32:19,771 --> 00:32:24,025
to be walking the streets with some
possible fire tornado watches in effect.
687
00:32:24,108 --> 00:32:27,528
Everything's fine with the weather.
I'm Andrea Steele. Back to you, Sarah.
688
00:32:27,612 --> 00:32:30,448
Andrea, I'm sorry, but that forecast is--
689
00:32:30,531 --> 00:32:33,534
Insane? Uh, yeah. You think?
690
00:32:33,618 --> 00:32:36,871
I mean, I've been doing the weather
for 17 years, Sarah,
691
00:32:36,955 --> 00:32:40,333
and I have never seen anything like this
in my entire lifetime.
692
00:32:40,416 --> 00:32:42,710
You think I like telling people
they're gonna die,
693
00:32:42,794 --> 00:32:45,922
or their skin might peel off
if they run to the grocery store?
694
00:32:46,005 --> 00:32:49,217
No one should be going outside
unless they absolutely have to.
695
00:32:49,300 --> 00:32:50,677
-[heart beating]
-Scooter?
696
00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:53,680
-[narrator] Everything was not fine.
-[exhales deeply]
697
00:32:53,763 --> 00:32:55,723
Scooter, are you asleep?
698
00:32:55,807 --> 00:32:59,268
[narrator] Had the world gone mad?
699
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:01,229
Andrea, are you okay?
700
00:33:01,312 --> 00:33:03,022
[scoffs]
701
00:33:03,106 --> 00:33:05,650
Am I okay? This bitch.
702
00:33:05,733 --> 00:33:07,235
Am I okay?
703
00:33:07,318 --> 00:33:08,277
Um…
704
00:33:08,361 --> 00:33:09,404
No,
705
00:33:09,487 --> 00:33:13,700
actually, 'cause we got a bat disease
just floating around in the sky,
706
00:33:13,783 --> 00:33:16,744
there's a new natural disaster
every motherfucking day,
707
00:33:16,828 --> 00:33:20,540
factories destroying the environment.
Look at this damn forecast behind me.
708
00:33:20,623 --> 00:33:23,501
This is the first time
I've left my house in months!
709
00:33:23,584 --> 00:33:26,546
All it takes is one wrong motherfucker
to breathe on me funny,
710
00:33:26,629 --> 00:33:27,588
and I swear to God…
711
00:33:27,672 --> 00:33:29,549
Scooter, are we still on
a nine-second delay?
712
00:33:29,632 --> 00:33:32,802
The woman who presses that button
stopped coming in weeks ago.
713
00:33:32,885 --> 00:33:35,054
Well, in that case, let me just say this.
714
00:33:35,138 --> 00:33:38,641
Fuck, shitty, doo-doo, bitch,
and stay the fuck in your house.
715
00:33:38,725 --> 00:33:41,561
Reporting live from hell on earth,
this is Andrea motherfucking Steele.
716
00:33:41,644 --> 00:33:43,021
Back to you, Sarah.
717
00:33:44,022 --> 00:33:46,774
That was great. We'll be right back.
718
00:33:46,858 --> 00:33:48,276
[buzzer sounds]
719
00:33:48,359 --> 00:33:50,695
Great. We're out. Nice.
720
00:33:51,612 --> 00:33:52,530
Wow.
721
00:33:52,613 --> 00:33:54,198
So that's your house I walk by every day.
722
00:33:54,282 --> 00:33:55,450
[Scooter] Yeah.
723
00:33:55,533 --> 00:33:57,702
Ah. My kids are terrified
to go past there.
724
00:33:57,785 --> 00:33:58,911
[chuckling] That's the one.
725
00:33:58,995 --> 00:34:01,873
It doesn't look like anyone's
lived there in hundreds of years.
726
00:34:01,956 --> 00:34:03,958
-[Scooter] That's my place.
-[Andrea] Interesting.
727
00:34:04,042 --> 00:34:05,710
-Well, it's safe.
-It's spooky.
728
00:34:05,793 --> 00:34:07,378
-[Scooter] Yeah.
-It's awful there.
729
00:34:07,462 --> 00:34:12,133
Everybody ready? Here we go.
Five, four, three, two, one.
730
00:34:12,216 --> 00:34:15,053
Welcome back to Everything's Fine.
I'm Sarah Cooper.
731
00:34:16,262 --> 00:34:17,889
And now for our top story,
732
00:34:17,972 --> 00:34:21,976
an exclusive look inside that now-famous
Access Hollywood bus.
733
00:34:23,770 --> 00:34:25,646
[man's voice] She used to be great.
Still beautiful.
734
00:34:25,730 --> 00:34:28,024
[Trump's voice] I moved on her.
She was down in Palm Beach.
735
00:34:28,107 --> 00:34:30,443
I moved on her and I failed,
I'll admit it.
736
00:34:30,526 --> 00:34:32,320
-Whoa.
-I did try and fuck her. She was married.
737
00:34:32,403 --> 00:34:35,073
-That's huge news there.
-[Trump's voice] No, Nancy…
738
00:34:35,156 --> 00:34:37,533
This was…
And I moved on her very heavily.
739
00:34:37,617 --> 00:34:39,410
In fact, I took her out
furniture shopping.
740
00:34:39,494 --> 00:34:41,037
She wanted to get some furniture.
741
00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:43,748
I said, "I'll show you where
they have some nice furniture."
742
00:34:43,831 --> 00:34:45,917
Took her out furniture--
I moved on her like a bitch.
743
00:34:46,542 --> 00:34:48,628
But I couldn't get there,
and she was married.
744
00:34:48,711 --> 00:34:51,130
All of a sudden I see her,
she's now got the big phony tits
745
00:34:51,214 --> 00:34:52,882
and everything.
She's changed her look.
746
00:34:52,965 --> 00:34:54,717
Sheesh, your girl's hot as shit.
747
00:34:54,801 --> 00:34:55,676
In the purple.
748
00:34:56,219 --> 00:34:57,970
-[all] Whoa!
-[Billy Bush's voice] Yes!
749
00:34:58,054 --> 00:34:59,889
Yes! The Donald has scored!
750
00:34:59,972 --> 00:35:01,390
[all laughing]
751
00:35:01,474 --> 00:35:02,433
Oh, my man!
752
00:35:02,517 --> 00:35:04,811
Wait, you gotta look at me when you…
753
00:35:04,894 --> 00:35:06,312
[indistinct chatter]
754
00:35:06,395 --> 00:35:07,814
-Thumbs up.
-[Trump's voice] You're a pussy.
755
00:35:07,897 --> 00:35:10,191
You gotta put the thumbs up.
Gotta get the thumbs up.
756
00:35:10,274 --> 00:35:11,734
You can't be too happy.
757
00:35:12,276 --> 00:35:14,237
-[man 1] Let me…
-[man 2] That's funny.
758
00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:15,404
You and I will walk out.
759
00:35:17,698 --> 00:35:18,658
Oh, my God.
760
00:35:18,741 --> 00:35:20,034
[indistinct chatter]
761
00:35:22,078 --> 00:35:23,454
Maybe it's a different one.
762
00:35:24,038 --> 00:35:25,790
Better not be the publicist. No, it's her.
763
00:35:25,873 --> 00:35:27,708
[Trump's voice] Yeah, that's her.
With the gold.
764
00:35:28,501 --> 00:35:31,212
I gotta use some Tic Tacs,
just in case I start kissing her.
765
00:35:31,879 --> 00:35:34,882
I'm automatically attracted
to beautiful… I just start kissing them.
766
00:35:34,966 --> 00:35:37,385
-It's like a magnet, I just kiss.
-[laughing]
767
00:35:37,468 --> 00:35:40,096
I don't even wait. And when you're a star,
they let you do it.
768
00:35:40,179 --> 00:35:41,806
Just kiss. Just…
769
00:35:41,889 --> 00:35:43,432
-You can do anything.
-Whatever you want.
770
00:35:43,516 --> 00:35:44,934
Grab 'em by the pussy.
771
00:35:46,060 --> 00:35:49,188
I can do anything. I can do anything.
772
00:35:51,274 --> 00:35:52,859
Those legs, all I can see is the legs.
773
00:35:52,942 --> 00:35:53,901
Oh, it looks good.
774
00:35:55,528 --> 00:35:58,322
-Come on, shorty.
-Ooh, nice legs, huh?
775
00:35:58,906 --> 00:36:00,950
Oof. Get out of the way, honey.
That's good legs.
776
00:36:02,869 --> 00:36:03,953
Go ahead.
777
00:36:05,246 --> 00:36:07,415
It's always good
if you don't fall out of the bus.
778
00:36:07,999 --> 00:36:09,792
Like Ford, Gerald Ford, remember?
779
00:36:11,460 --> 00:36:13,504
[Bush's voice] Down below.
Pull the handle.
780
00:36:18,759 --> 00:36:20,511
Hello. How are you? Hi.
781
00:36:20,595 --> 00:36:22,054
-[Zucker's voice] How are you?
-[Trump's voice] Terrific.
782
00:36:22,138 --> 00:36:24,098
-Pleasure to meet you.
-You know Billy Bush?
783
00:36:24,182 --> 00:36:26,100
Hello, nice to see you.
How you doing, Arianne?
784
00:36:26,184 --> 00:36:28,227
I'm doing well, thank you.
Ready to be a soap star?
785
00:36:28,311 --> 00:36:29,937
We're ready. Make me a soap star.
786
00:36:30,021 --> 00:36:32,231
How about a hug for the Donald?
He just got off the bus.
787
00:36:32,315 --> 00:36:34,150
-Want a little hug?
-[Trump's voice] Absolutely.
788
00:36:34,734 --> 00:36:35,985
Melania said this was okay.
789
00:36:36,068 --> 00:36:37,737
Hug for the Bushy?
I just got off the bus.
790
00:36:37,820 --> 00:36:39,864
-Oh! Bushy.
-[Bush's voice] Here we go.
791
00:36:39,947 --> 00:36:41,657
Excellent. Excellent. Excellent.
792
00:36:42,033 --> 00:36:43,743
You've got a nice costar here.
793
00:36:43,826 --> 00:36:45,578
-Yes. Absolutely.
-[Trump's voice] After you.
794
00:36:45,661 --> 00:36:47,038
[heart beating]
795
00:36:52,668 --> 00:36:54,670
Great. We're out. Nice.
796
00:36:55,504 --> 00:36:57,006
Scooter, what is happening?
797
00:36:57,089 --> 00:36:59,091
[both laughing]
798
00:37:01,594 --> 00:37:04,138
[Lorraine] This job
is made for you, Marvin.
799
00:37:04,222 --> 00:37:07,391
Yeah, it keeps me out of trouble,
as they say.
800
00:37:07,475 --> 00:37:09,477
Everything's fine.
801
00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:12,772
Three, two, one, and we're in. Sarah.
802
00:37:12,855 --> 00:37:17,276
And now, a little preview of
what's coming on after Everything's Fine.
803
00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:20,696
We'll have Jordana Bachman
of Thinking Outside the Bachs,
804
00:37:20,780 --> 00:37:23,407
followed by Sandy Manderson, Miyoko Loco,
805
00:37:23,491 --> 00:37:27,662
and then, Andre Cole Watkins
of Watkins the News.
806
00:37:27,745 --> 00:37:30,373
Stick around, it's gonna be a great day.
Isn't it, Scooter?
807
00:37:30,456 --> 00:37:31,499
Miyoko Loco.
808
00:37:32,083 --> 00:37:33,876
[chuckles] A little help here.
809
00:37:35,169 --> 00:37:36,087
Save me.
810
00:37:36,629 --> 00:37:37,922
How about Sandy Manderson?
811
00:37:38,839 --> 00:37:40,633
Her face froze?
812
00:37:41,217 --> 00:37:42,093
Help.
813
00:37:43,761 --> 00:37:47,181
Tomorrow, something bad
happens to your favorite celebrity.
814
00:37:47,265 --> 00:37:48,849
We'll have a full report.
815
00:37:48,933 --> 00:37:52,895
Now, it's over to Jordana Bachman
for Thinking Outside the Bachs.
816
00:37:52,979 --> 00:37:54,814
Jordana, how are you doing?
817
00:37:54,897 --> 00:37:57,692
I'm doing good, girl.
How are you, sister-friend?
818
00:37:57,775 --> 00:38:01,320
I'm doing so good. What do you got
going on on the show today?
819
00:38:01,404 --> 00:38:06,617
Oh, well, let me tell you. A little bit
of this, a little bit of that. Who knows?
820
00:38:06,701 --> 00:38:08,035
It's the news. Who cares?
821
00:38:08,869 --> 00:38:12,707
You know, Jordana, I just realized
we don't have to do this anymore.
822
00:38:12,790 --> 00:38:16,544
You have to tell me.
Do what? Do what? [laughing]
823
00:38:16,627 --> 00:38:19,380
This whole BFF handoff like we're friends,
824
00:38:19,463 --> 00:38:21,173
laughing like we care about each other.
825
00:38:21,257 --> 00:38:22,591
We don't care about each other.
826
00:38:22,675 --> 00:38:24,218
[Jordana] That, girl, is good news,
827
00:38:24,302 --> 00:38:28,139
because everyone can see through
the bullshit!
828
00:38:29,515 --> 00:38:30,891
I don't even know where you live.
829
00:38:30,975 --> 00:38:33,436
I don't even see you
except in this TV screen.
830
00:38:33,519 --> 00:38:36,897
That's how I feel,
just seeing you through a little box.
831
00:38:36,981 --> 00:38:38,232
What have you been up to?
832
00:38:38,316 --> 00:38:40,318
Girl, I've been up to so much.
833
00:38:40,401 --> 00:38:42,737
I've locked up every Black man in my life.
834
00:38:42,820 --> 00:38:45,990
I put my dad in a closet,
my brother in a closet,
835
00:38:46,073 --> 00:38:49,577
my uncle in a closet,
to make sure they live another day.
836
00:38:49,660 --> 00:38:51,954
Wow. Where do you put your clothes?
837
00:38:52,079 --> 00:38:53,039
[laughing]
838
00:38:55,624 --> 00:38:58,836
Oh, my God. What are we doing?
839
00:39:05,426 --> 00:39:06,719
Scooter.
840
00:39:06,802 --> 00:39:07,970
I'm sorry?
841
00:39:09,180 --> 00:39:12,558
And now, it is over to you,
Jordana Bachman.
842
00:39:12,641 --> 00:39:15,227
Oh, no, girl, I couldn't. I couldn't.
843
00:39:15,311 --> 00:39:18,230
I have to pass it back to you,
Sarah Cooper.
844
00:39:18,314 --> 00:39:19,940
You're so funny. Back to you.
845
00:39:20,024 --> 00:39:21,942
You're up next with
Thinking Outside the Bachs.
846
00:39:22,026 --> 00:39:24,862
No, Sarah, you got this one.
Take my three-hour show.
847
00:39:24,945 --> 00:39:28,574
No, I couldn't. I couldn't do that.
Back to you, Jordana. Back to you.
848
00:39:31,202 --> 00:39:32,078
Scooter?
849
00:39:32,161 --> 00:39:33,412
-Oof.
-[Sarah] Where'd she go?
850
00:39:35,456 --> 00:39:37,083
Can we get Jordana back, please?
851
00:39:37,166 --> 00:39:38,918
[upbeat song playing]
852
00:39:39,001 --> 00:39:40,002
Jordana!
853
00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:41,921
Back to you!
854
00:39:43,506 --> 00:39:44,673
Back to you, Jordana.
855
00:39:48,219 --> 00:39:49,303
All right.
856
00:39:50,346 --> 00:39:52,848
Five, four, three, two…
857
00:39:53,599 --> 00:39:58,646
Good morning. I'm Sarah Cooper,
filling in for another three hours.
858
00:39:58,729 --> 00:40:01,690
Jordana Bachman of
Thinking Outside the Bachs
859
00:40:01,774 --> 00:40:03,859
is taking a personal day.
860
00:40:03,943 --> 00:40:07,154
Good morning.
I'm Sarah Cooper. That's a lot of news.
861
00:40:07,238 --> 00:40:10,241
And it's Sarah filling in
for Andre Cole Watkins.
862
00:40:10,324 --> 00:40:12,743
Five, four, three, two…
863
00:40:12,827 --> 00:40:16,580
Good morning. I'm Sarah Cooper,
covering for Andre Cole Watkins,
864
00:40:16,664 --> 00:40:18,499
host of Watkins The News.
865
00:40:18,582 --> 00:40:20,167
Is that a lot of news or what?
866
00:40:20,251 --> 00:40:22,086
Three, two… [mouths]
867
00:40:22,169 --> 00:40:27,842
Good morning. I'm Sarah Cooper filling in
for Miyoko Loco of Miyoko You Loco.
868
00:40:29,176 --> 00:40:32,054
Okay, Sarah. Three, two, one…
869
00:40:33,931 --> 00:40:36,058
Follow me. [laughing]
870
00:40:36,142 --> 00:40:38,018
[upbeat song continues playing]
871
00:40:38,102 --> 00:40:39,353
Ooh, weather.
872
00:40:46,569 --> 00:40:47,611
Good morning.
873
00:40:47,695 --> 00:40:49,113
I'm Sarah Cooper.
874
00:40:49,196 --> 00:40:50,823
I'm Sarah Cooper.
875
00:40:50,906 --> 00:40:52,283
And everything's fine.
876
00:40:53,159 --> 00:40:54,743
I'm Sarah Cooper.
877
00:40:54,827 --> 00:40:58,164
I'm Sarah Cooper and everything's fine.
878
00:40:58,247 --> 00:40:59,707
Everything's great.
879
00:40:59,790 --> 00:41:01,542
It's gonna be a great day.
880
00:41:01,625 --> 00:41:03,169
I'm Sarah Cooper.
881
00:41:03,252 --> 00:41:04,462
[eerie music playing]
882
00:41:04,545 --> 00:41:05,671
I'm Sarah Cooper.
883
00:41:06,464 --> 00:41:08,674
Good morning. I'm Sarah Cooper.
884
00:41:09,341 --> 00:41:12,887
I'm Sarah Cooper and everything's fine.
885
00:41:12,970 --> 00:41:14,138
That's a lot of news.
886
00:41:14,221 --> 00:41:15,723
-[evil laughter]
-[Sarah laughing]
887
00:41:15,806 --> 00:41:17,766
[Trump's voice]
A lot of people are saying…
888
00:41:17,850 --> 00:41:19,143
It's called fake news.
889
00:41:19,935 --> 00:41:21,854
Nobody's ever seen anything like it.
890
00:41:24,482 --> 00:41:27,610
A lot of people are saying…
It's called fake news.
891
00:41:28,486 --> 00:41:30,321
Nobody's ever seen anything like it.
892
00:41:30,404 --> 00:41:33,157
A lot of people are saying…
It's called fake news.
893
00:41:34,158 --> 00:41:35,868
Nobody's ever seen anything like it.
894
00:41:36,535 --> 00:41:37,703
A lot of people are saying…
895
00:41:38,370 --> 00:41:39,747
It's called fake news.
896
00:41:40,414 --> 00:41:42,291
Nobody's ever seen anything like it.
897
00:41:44,210 --> 00:41:46,045
[Scooter] Great job, Sarah Cooper.
898
00:41:48,297 --> 00:41:49,131
Where'd she go?
899
00:41:50,841 --> 00:41:52,218
Why is that chair spinning?
900
00:41:52,843 --> 00:41:54,094
Is that a ghost?
901
00:41:55,971 --> 00:41:56,972
[phone ringing]
902
00:41:57,056 --> 00:41:57,932
Yes?
903
00:41:58,849 --> 00:42:00,226
Oh, no. Everything's fine.
904
00:42:00,309 --> 00:42:01,352
Everything's fine.
905
00:42:01,435 --> 00:42:02,937
[Scooter] Sarah's doing great.
906
00:42:03,020 --> 00:42:04,522
-Good morning.
-[Scooter] She's doing very well.
907
00:42:04,605 --> 00:42:06,607
Great morning. Great…
908
00:42:07,191 --> 00:42:08,067
-Hi!
-[shrieks]
909
00:42:09,193 --> 00:42:11,987
Oh, my God! Who are you?
What are you doing down here?
910
00:42:12,071 --> 00:42:14,657
I'm Lacy Groin, from Against the Groin?
911
00:42:15,324 --> 00:42:16,158
My show.
912
00:42:16,242 --> 00:42:18,452
It's on every night at 9:00.
913
00:42:18,536 --> 00:42:20,204
Oh, my God.
914
00:42:20,287 --> 00:42:22,081
Lacy Groin!
915
00:42:22,164 --> 00:42:24,375
-Yeah.
-I love your show.
916
00:42:24,458 --> 00:42:25,376
Aw.
917
00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:26,835
Oh, thank you.
918
00:42:26,919 --> 00:42:29,255
It's been off the air
for, like, four years.
919
00:42:30,005 --> 00:42:31,757
-Four years?
-[heart beating]
920
00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:34,843
The last thing I remember
was election night,
921
00:42:35,511 --> 00:42:38,847
and I started hyperventilating.
922
00:42:39,348 --> 00:42:41,433
I choked on my Invisalign,
923
00:42:42,101 --> 00:42:45,437
and then I guess I passed out under here.
924
00:42:46,063 --> 00:42:48,440
It's kinda weird nobody noticed.
925
00:42:48,524 --> 00:42:51,068
Yeah. I found this
work environment to be pretty toxic.
926
00:42:51,151 --> 00:42:52,444
What did I miss?
927
00:42:52,528 --> 00:42:54,071
I want to know everything.
928
00:42:54,154 --> 00:42:56,198
Would you mind massaging my legs?
929
00:42:56,282 --> 00:42:57,741
I think they're in atrophy.
930
00:42:57,825 --> 00:42:59,493
-Cute shoes.
-Thanks.
931
00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:01,579
-That's a cute blazer.
-Thank you.
932
00:43:03,080 --> 00:43:05,666
So, tell me everything. What did I miss?
933
00:43:05,749 --> 00:43:07,209
You want to know everything?
934
00:43:07,293 --> 00:43:09,253
Oh, yeah. Everything.
935
00:43:11,130 --> 00:43:12,715
Here's everything.
936
00:43:13,674 --> 00:43:14,800
[gasps]
937
00:43:15,467 --> 00:43:16,552
[gasps] Oh.
938
00:43:16,635 --> 00:43:19,013
-No.
-No, stop! No!
939
00:43:19,096 --> 00:43:20,514
-Oh, God!
-What?
940
00:43:20,598 --> 00:43:21,724
That's against the law.
941
00:43:22,391 --> 00:43:24,310
-No, no!
-Yes, there's more!
942
00:43:24,393 --> 00:43:25,853
No, I can't.
943
00:43:25,936 --> 00:43:28,272
-Oh, God!
-Look at me!
944
00:43:28,355 --> 00:43:29,690
[whimpering]
945
00:43:29,773 --> 00:43:30,983
-There's more!
-No!
946
00:43:31,066 --> 00:43:32,109
-There's more!
-No!
947
00:43:32,192 --> 00:43:33,193
I…
948
00:43:33,777 --> 00:43:35,237
-I can't.
-Here.
949
00:43:36,030 --> 00:43:37,197
Oh.
950
00:43:37,281 --> 00:43:39,325
-Oh, MrPillow.
-Hi.
951
00:43:39,408 --> 00:43:41,118
Thank you. Gracias.
952
00:43:42,161 --> 00:43:44,038
-Mmm.
-See you later, Lacy.
953
00:43:47,041 --> 00:43:48,584
[jazz music playing]
954
00:43:59,595 --> 00:44:00,471
Scooter?
955
00:44:02,681 --> 00:44:03,515
Hello?
956
00:44:10,981 --> 00:44:11,857
[Marvin] Oh!
957
00:44:11,940 --> 00:44:13,734
[Lorraine] Marvin, you're crazy.
958
00:44:14,318 --> 00:44:15,361
[Marvin] Yes, I am.
959
00:44:15,444 --> 00:44:16,654
[both laugh]
960
00:44:16,737 --> 00:44:21,909
[Lorraine] But what if we slot
the Iranian assassination in 2024?
961
00:44:21,992 --> 00:44:22,993
[Marvin] No, no, no.
962
00:44:23,077 --> 00:44:24,161
I would do it sooner
963
00:44:24,244 --> 00:44:28,666
because we want relations
with Iran to go as poorly as possible.
964
00:44:28,749 --> 00:44:29,958
Put it in 2021.
965
00:44:30,042 --> 00:44:31,418
-[Lorraine] Okay.
-Yes.
966
00:44:31,502 --> 00:44:34,463
What if we shave two tons
off the Greenland ice sheet?
967
00:44:34,546 --> 00:44:35,547
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
968
00:44:35,631 --> 00:44:37,132
2028 or 2022?
969
00:44:37,216 --> 00:44:38,175
2027.
970
00:44:38,258 --> 00:44:40,344
And let's do something with bugs.
971
00:44:40,427 --> 00:44:41,553
I don't know. Hornets!
972
00:44:41,637 --> 00:44:42,888
Who love to murder.
973
00:44:42,971 --> 00:44:44,223
[upbeat music playing]
974
00:44:44,306 --> 00:44:45,683
[both] Murder hornets!
975
00:44:45,766 --> 00:44:46,642
-Oh!
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
976
00:44:46,725 --> 00:44:49,436
And China seizes Hong Kong, 2028.
977
00:44:49,520 --> 00:44:51,730
And that pairs very nicely
978
00:44:51,814 --> 00:44:54,900
with the US gassing its own citizens.
979
00:44:55,025 --> 00:44:57,403
-[giggles]
-Floods, 2026.
980
00:44:57,486 --> 00:44:59,321
What if Tom Hanks gets sick?
981
00:44:59,405 --> 00:45:00,406
Do it! He's due!
982
00:45:00,489 --> 00:45:01,657
Kill off Mr. Peanut?
983
00:45:01,740 --> 00:45:03,117
Cancel Coachella.
984
00:45:03,200 --> 00:45:04,618
I hate those bands.
985
00:45:04,702 --> 00:45:05,619
Eating bats?
986
00:45:07,413 --> 00:45:09,415
I… No, that's too much.
987
00:45:09,498 --> 00:45:13,919
Let's set Australia on fire!
Turn the sky red!
988
00:45:15,170 --> 00:45:16,797
[distorted voice] Do it all in 2020.
989
00:45:17,381 --> 00:45:18,799
Really, boss?
990
00:45:18,882 --> 00:45:21,260
That's a lot for one year, Dark Lord.
991
00:45:22,386 --> 00:45:25,139
I said, do it all in 2020!
992
00:45:27,558 --> 00:45:29,351
[cackling]
993
00:45:29,935 --> 00:45:31,270
Okay, boss!
994
00:45:31,770 --> 00:45:34,606
[all laughing]
995
00:45:34,690 --> 00:45:36,358
[Satan speaks backwards]
996
00:45:39,486 --> 00:45:40,821
Uh, Satan.
997
00:45:40,904 --> 00:45:42,030
Sarah, I understand.
998
00:45:42,114 --> 00:45:45,284
You're mad as hell, and you're not
gonna take this anymore. Hmm?
999
00:45:47,244 --> 00:45:48,245
[Sarah] Um…
1000
00:45:48,328 --> 00:45:49,288
[squelching]
1001
00:45:52,791 --> 00:45:53,625
[speaking backwards]
1002
00:45:53,709 --> 00:45:55,294
-Scooter?
-Hey, boss.
1003
00:45:55,377 --> 00:45:56,545
Hey, Scooter.
1004
00:45:56,628 --> 00:45:58,589
I… I get it now.
1005
00:45:58,672 --> 00:45:59,882
I didn't see that before.
1006
00:45:59,965 --> 00:46:01,341
How'd you get in here?
1007
00:46:01,425 --> 00:46:03,135
You should really get back to the desk.
1008
00:46:03,218 --> 00:46:04,887
Back to the desk, Sarah Cooper.
1009
00:46:04,970 --> 00:46:07,931
[both speaking backwards]
1010
00:46:11,143 --> 00:46:12,394
I think I should go home.
1011
00:46:12,478 --> 00:46:14,313
[speaking backwards]
1012
00:46:19,109 --> 00:46:22,070
[Whoopi's voice] What you gonna do, Satan?
You know, we've tangled before.
1013
00:46:22,654 --> 00:46:23,947
And you know what happened.
1014
00:46:24,031 --> 00:46:26,700
It's Whoopi Goldberg talking to you now.
What you gonna do?
1015
00:46:27,451 --> 00:46:29,703
[in normal voice] Oh, my God.
I don't know where that came from.
1016
00:46:30,662 --> 00:46:31,789
[narrator] At this moment,
1017
00:46:31,872 --> 00:46:35,876
Sarah Cooper realized
it wasn't she who had lost her mind,
1018
00:46:35,959 --> 00:46:37,294
it was the world.
1019
00:46:37,377 --> 00:46:38,796
Scooter, help me out.
1020
00:46:38,879 --> 00:46:39,922
Um…
1021
00:46:40,005 --> 00:46:41,715
You should just take the afternoon off.
1022
00:46:41,799 --> 00:46:43,217
I just went scuba diving.
1023
00:46:43,300 --> 00:46:45,219
I love scuba diving. You scuba dive?
1024
00:46:45,302 --> 00:46:47,095
-Love it.
-Maybe we should give her a raise.
1025
00:46:47,179 --> 00:46:48,263
A raise would be great.
1026
00:46:49,014 --> 00:46:51,475
[both laughing]
1027
00:46:54,102 --> 00:46:55,270
I'm not gonna get a raise.
1028
00:46:55,354 --> 00:46:57,397
I am a woman,
so that does make more sense.
1029
00:46:57,481 --> 00:46:59,525
Take all the time you need, Sarah.
1030
00:46:59,608 --> 00:47:02,194
[in distorted voice]
Never running out of news down here.
1031
00:47:06,240 --> 00:47:07,658
Great. Okay.
1032
00:47:08,408 --> 00:47:12,037
Well, I will just see you a little later.
1033
00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:14,748
-[upbeat music playing]
-[sighs]
1034
00:47:16,041 --> 00:47:18,544
[Scooter singing] ♪ It's so nice ♪
1035
00:47:19,586 --> 00:47:23,882
♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪
1036
00:47:26,927 --> 00:47:29,346
[Satan and Scooter] ♪ It's so nice ♪
1037
00:47:30,472 --> 00:47:34,601
♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪
1038
00:47:35,394 --> 00:47:36,353
♪ In hell ♪
1039
00:47:37,771 --> 00:47:40,065
♪ It's so nice ♪
1040
00:47:40,148 --> 00:47:41,233
[sighs]
1041
00:47:41,316 --> 00:47:45,571
♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪
1042
00:47:46,363 --> 00:47:47,531
♪ In hell ♪
1043
00:47:59,376 --> 00:48:01,670
♪ It's so nice ♪
1044
00:48:03,213 --> 00:48:07,926
♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪
1045
00:48:08,010 --> 00:48:09,094
♪ In hell ♪
1046
00:48:10,387 --> 00:48:13,807
-♪ It's so nice ♪
-♪ Ooh, it's so nice ♪
1047
00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:18,770
-♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪
-♪ Ooh, it's so nice ♪
1048
00:48:18,854 --> 00:48:19,980
♪ In hell ♪
1049
00:48:20,981 --> 00:48:24,693
-♪ It's so nice ♪
-♪ Ooh, it's so nice ♪
1050
00:48:24,776 --> 00:48:28,780
♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪
1051
00:48:29,781 --> 00:48:31,199
-♪ In hell ♪
-[woman yelling]
1052
00:48:42,836 --> 00:48:45,213
♪ It's so nice ♪
1053
00:48:46,381 --> 00:48:50,385
♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪
1054
00:48:51,386 --> 00:48:52,304
♪ In hell ♪
1055
00:48:53,472 --> 00:48:57,392
-♪ It's so nice ♪
-♪ Ooh, it's so nice ♪
1056
00:48:57,476 --> 00:48:59,436
♪ It's so nice ♪
1057
00:48:59,519 --> 00:49:02,230
♪ Ooh, it's so nice ♪
1058
00:49:04,441 --> 00:49:06,652
♪ It's so nice ♪
1059
00:49:08,111 --> 00:49:12,324
♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪
1060
00:49:13,033 --> 00:49:14,451
♪ In hell ♪
1061
00:49:15,077 --> 00:49:18,288
[woman] I live in a very small cave
and I love it.
1062
00:49:18,997 --> 00:49:20,582
I can have orgies every night.
1063
00:49:21,375 --> 00:49:24,628
You name it. Orgies, Doritos.
1064
00:49:25,337 --> 00:49:27,130
Maybe sometimes a Fanta.
1065
00:49:27,756 --> 00:49:28,799
It's so nice.
1066
00:49:29,424 --> 00:49:30,717
I'm not lying.
1067
00:49:31,510 --> 00:49:32,511
[chuckles]
1068
00:49:32,594 --> 00:49:34,638
Sometimes I lie a little bit, okay.
1069
00:49:34,721 --> 00:49:36,348
Take the candy, put it in your pocket.
1070
00:49:36,431 --> 00:49:39,226
And you think of me later, okay?
Okay, I love you.
78307
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