All language subtitles for The Office S01E03 The Quiz

One of the other themes in The Office
is comedy itself, you know.

You get a lot of things off your chest.

We had a go at
people just shouting catchphrases.

"Ricky, leave it!"

Props. Just bringing in a funny thing.

Brilliant. Oh, God, look at that.

Pointing stuff out.
Bad observational comedy,

just pointing stuff out
and expecting to get a laugh from it.

Impressions.

Impressions particularly
of other comedy characters.

- Timothy!
- Hello.

Also, the parameters of jokes, you know?
Good taste, bad taste.

And what you think
you can get away with.

What you should say
and what you shouldn't say.

I'd say at one time or another,

every bloke in the office
has woken up at the crack of Dawn.

What?

People write good sense of humour

as the thing that they most want
in their partners.

And very, very few people actually
have a good sense of humour.

And David Brent is a fabulously
tragic and comic creation.

Because he really thinks he's got
a great sense of humour.

He thinks he's a great undiscovered
comedian and he really isn't.

We were very careful that David Brent
didn't say, "I want to be a comedian."

He'd say, "I'm a comedian."

He thought he was a comedian
who just hadn't been discovered yet.

And now, he's thinking that if this
goes out, this is his series.

This to him
was like his own comedy show.

Have you heard Michael Jackson's
new song he's doing?

He's teamed up with
West Ham football team.

Doing I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles!

I think Tim genuinely wants

to be able to honestly laugh
at stuff David says.

'Cause he can see he's dying every day.

He sees that he's failing

in all his attempts to be
everyone's mate and to be funny.

And Tim sees he's failing
and he wants to...

He would love to think, "He's really
going to make me laugh now."

Um, uh...

What's white and slides down
toilet walls?

- I don't know.
- Michael Jackson's latest release.

George Michael's.

(LAUGHING)

Good, isn't it?

The pregnant pauses that take place
on The Office

are just, I think that they're longer.

Those comedic beats obviously
have existed before.

And they're always sort of fun to play

as long as there's emotion
and feeling behind them.

Er, but,

but The Office takes those moments
a little bit longer.

- What?
- Nothing.

- See you later.
- See you later, mate. Take care.

Finch was brought in to show people
that Brent wasn't a bastard.

Because everyone said, oh,
he was the boss from hell, he was awful.

He's not that awful.
He's a bit of a twit.

He wants to be loved,
he wants to be hugged.

He's like all of us,
he wants to be popular.

And his biggest mistake was confusing
respect with popularity, okay?

Whereas Finch is a nasty man.

He's a bully, he's a narcissist,
he's spiteful.

Speak to yourself...

Spit it out,
as your boyfriend said last night!

I was just going to say that
back to you.

Yeah, but I don't have
a boyfriend, you do.

- Can't get a bloody word in edgeways!
- Can't get a what in edgeways?

- Ooh, matron!
- Come on, then, fat lad.

Oh, we're always...

Oh, God. Finchy.

By having talked about
Finch for so long,

to see Brent's excitement
about this man,

to finally have him arrive and
obviously be a crushing disappointment.

GERVAIS: What was fun about that
is that whenever anyone says to you,

"Oh, you'll love my brother.
He's just like you."

No, he's not. I'm going to hate him.

I don't ever want to meet him.
He's going to be a nightmare, isn't he?

Right? And the other thing,
of course, is the...

Once again, Brent's blind spot.

Finch doesn't love Brent
like Brent loves Finch.

They're not a double act.

Current champions are
this team here, The Dead Parrots.

- Fit enough to fly.
- He sleeps.

If you hadn't nailed him
to the perch, he would be

- pushing up the daisies!
- Pushing up the daisies!

One of the main themes of The Office

was men as boys and women as adults.

So, boys never grow up.

Their ego, their competitive spirit,

their "Mum, look at me!"
never really goes away.

And nothing brings out that male ego
like a quiz.

Which insect produces gossamer?

- I want you to answer, Finchy!
- DAVID: What is it?

It's a spider.

A spider is an arachnid, not an insect.

- Ha, yes!
- Six legs or eight legs? Thank you.

We can't stand to lose a quiz.
Men can't stand to lose.

If you're playing Trivial Pursuit,
I've heard myself say,

"Oh, you got a pie for who's
Mickey Mouse's girlfriend.

"I got Dostoyevsky's first three novels.
It's ridiculous."

And it would go, "Forget the pie, just
answer questions, who knows the most?"

You know, we can't stand it.

So we thought it was just a great way,

apart from it being a good office
observation,

it was to bring out
the absurdity of men.

(HOOVER HUMMING)

TIM: I'm 30 today.

My mum got me up really early
this morning to give me my present.

Yeah, this is it, actually. It's nice.

I'm into... I like ballet.
I love the novels of Proust.

I love the work of Alain Delon.

And that's, I think, what influenced her
into buying me Hat FM.

I like the radio, too.

Nah, it's all right. It's all right.
I think it's quite a sweet present.

I have to make sure Finchy gets here
on time for the quiz tonight.

7:00 on the dot.

Six... Six years in a row. Winners.

So, er... You know...

Finchy! Brent. All right?

Don't forget tonight.
Oh, here we go. Straight away. Go on.

What's black and slides
down Nelson's Column? Don't know.

Winnie Mandela? Oh, yeah, that's good.

No, it's not racist. I thought
the column because he's... Yeah.

And she is black, and she's married.
It's not even low.

Yeah, 7:00. See you. Bye.

What you doing in so early?
Shit the bed?

(LAUGHS) No.
I haven't done that for weeks.

No, my mum got me up at quarter to seven
to give me a birthday present.

- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.

What did she get you?

Something you can wear.

- The hat?
- The hat, yes. Well done, yeah.

Hiya. All right?

- Happy birthday.
- Thank you very much.

Ta.

- Oh, yeah.
- Nice hat.

Thanks.

Um, good. That's all in order.

"What's the difference
between your wages and your penis?

"I can find you lots of women
who will blow your wages."

- What's that?
- (LAUGHS) I don't know.

Why has that happened?

Lock up your daughters, as they say.

- Finch is on his way in for the quiz.
- Oh, yeah?

Chris Finch. Innit, Gareth?

- Yeah.
- Isn't he? Oh.

Keep it that way and you'll only be able
to use about 20% of it

when you get me and him together!

Gareth, innit?

Hat.

- It's Tim's birthday.
- Oh, yeah?

To be honest, I think you're mad to let
me and Finchy on the bleeding telly!

We're like Morecambe and Wise
when we get together.

Actually, not Morecambe and Wise,
because there's no straight man,

so there's no dead wood.

So, um... I'm more sort of character
based, and he's more of a gag man.

I do gags as well.

But I mean, good together, by now.

We sort of read each other's minds
when we're doing a bit of stick.

We just start cracking up, and people
watching go, "Why is that funny?"

We tell them why and they go,
"Oh, yeah. You are the best."

It's their opinion.

- Happy birthday, by the way.
- Thank you.

- Which one is it?
- It's 30.

The big 3-0.
That's the worst one, isn't it?

I know what you're thinking,
"My youth's over."

I remember when I was 30,
like you, I was going,

"Ooh, I'm in a rubbish job.
My life's rubbish.

"Nothing good ever happens to me.
When will it change?"

But, you know...

- Things do change.
- Mmm.

And it could be worse.
There's a neighbour of mine, Kelvin.

He's 32 and he still lives
with his parents.

- I live with my parents.
- Cherish them. Really.

Because you will miss them
when they're not around.

Both, um... Both of mine are dead.

- Oh.
- So, er...

Dad isn't dead. He's in a home.

So as good as.
Shot to bits. He was... Oh, God.

Called out the other night,
3:00 am by the nurses.

He was convinced there was a Japanese
sniper on the roof of Debenhams.

Does that look into his room?

The back of the roof
looks directly into his room, yeah.

Good spot. It's a good spot.

That's where I'd be if I had to
take someone out that lived there.

And I had to go up to
the room with him, and go,

"Look, Dad,
there's no Japanese sniper."

- So, who was it? Who was up there?
- DAVID: No one was there.

It was his imagination.
There was no one there.

GARETH: Lucky. That's lucky.

'Cause if there was a sniper up there,
you wouldn't see him.

You'd be like, "Oh. Oh. No one there."

(IMITATING GUNSHOT AND SPLATTER)

Anyway, he is a vegetable now.

And that's something
we've all got to look forward to, so...

Happy birthday.

See you later.

Wotcha.

Shall we get him over here?

Tim? Got you a pressie.

- Oh, thanks a lot. Thank you.
- Happy birthday, mate.

Thanks very much, Lee.
You're a good man.

This is exciting.

This is big. Big and exciting.

It's a big, exciting,
huge inflatable cock. God!

- You can sit on that if you like.
- Yay.

It's not just from me, mate,
it's from Dawn as well.

God! You haven't got one already,
have you?

Um, no. You can never have
too many, anyway.

And you do prefer it to the money?

Yeah. I'd have only spent it
on a huge inflatable cock.

- That is...
- (DAVID LAUGHING)

All right. Stop playing with it!
Did you get him that?

Brilliant. Oh, God, look at that.

Let's have a little... Doink, doink!

Ex-sperminate!

(LAUGHING)

Oh, no, no.

"Hello, Austin Powers.
I'm the naked Mini Me."

I've got one.
Thomas the Tank Engine rolled into town!

Dickhead.

Ringo Starr. Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Don't grab it unless you've got one
ready because it slows it down.

Oh, that is brilliant.

- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.

Remember, you're only as old
as the woman you feel.

- I say that sometimes.
- I heard you say it the other day

and I thought, "He's using
one of my catchphrases."

I don't mind influencing
a young comedian.

You're not a comedian.

But, I usually credit somebody
if I use their comedy.

- What ones of yours do I use?
- "Same shit, different day."

That's mine.
"Ex-squeeze me", instead of "excuse me".

- Oh, "wank you very much".
- Yeah. I invented that one.

Say that to a waiter or something.
Wank you very much!

And here's one.
Witnesses that I started this one.

If someone's unlucky, you go,
"I'm not saying he's unlucky,

"but if he fell into
a barrel full of tits,

"he'd come up sucking his own thumb."
Bit naughty.

Suck tits? I thought you sucked knobs.

Do ya? (LAUGHS)

Got you!

They're cracking up.

Oh, God.

Yeah. There are limits to my comedy.

There are things I will never laugh at.

Um... the handicapped.

Because there's nothing
funny about them.

Or any deformity.

Yeah? Um...

It's like when you see someone look
at a little handicapped and go,

"Oh, look at him. He's not
able-bodied. I am. I'm prejudiced."

Yeah?

Well, at least the little
handicapped fella is able-minded.

Unless he's not. It's difficult
to tell with the wheelchair ones.

So just give generously to all of them.

Guys? Don't forget to say
happy birthday to Tim today.

And, also, we'll be going out
for drinks later this evening.

- What time?
- Not tonight.

- Why?
- Quiz.

Well, we can go out before.
When does it start?

- 7:00. Always.
- Okay. Drinks at 6:00, then.

- Did you get him a gift?
- No. But it starts at 7:00.

I know. Well, okay. Drinks at 6:00.

- Shall I get him a card from you?
- Whatever.

Finch is coming down,
so got to be ready to go at 7:00.

- Drinks at 6:00.
- But starts at 7:00.

DAWN: Drinks at 6:00.

Studying? Quiz. Are you a team again?

- Just three of you, is it?
- Yeah.

- Are you excited? First big quiz?
- Looking forward to it.

It's not the first, though.

I, er, was on Blockbusters.

- What, on the telly?
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Uh-huh.

Were you one of the two, or by yourself?

If there's two of you, it's cheating.

- Yeah. Just one.
- Just one.

Did you win anything or...

Yeah. Two Gold Runs.
Camping equipment, Walkman.

- I usually get five, to be honest.
- Five Gold Runs?

But you know you have to answer
loads of questions before...

- Yeah, I do.
- You get them all?

Give me one of the ones you had.
Fingers on the buzzers.

Um... Okay.

Right. Which Y was... Which Y had
a hit single with The Only Way Is Up

- and sang with Plastic Population?
- Yazoo!

- Yazz.
- Yep.

- You said Yazoo, which...
- I know.

What's your cut-off point, though? Yazz.

But you said Yazoo first.

You would've got it wrong
on Blockbusters.

I wouldn't have said it
on Blockbusters.

You'd have been all right, then.

I'll give you one. A proper one. Um...

- Do you want a hand?
- No, no.

- Are you getting it?
- Yeah. A tiny bit loud.

- Sorry.
- Can I have this when you've finished?

- Yeah, you can have it.
- When will you be finished?

I don't know. Maybe we could share it.

- Okay. I'll just have it on weekends!
- Okay.

- Is this going to take...
- No, it was going to be what D

and the answer was going
to be Dostoyevsky.

- I couldn't think of the question.
- All right. Okay. Well...

What D was a Russian dissident who
wrote the novel Crime and Punishment?

- Would you have got that?
- I'd have had a guess.

You don't get prizes for guessing.

Unlucky. See you later.

(EXHALES)

You can't come in here.
Quiz officials only.

TIM: What are you doing?

I'm the quizmaster and
I'm doing the questions.

Get out now, or I'll report you.
Simple as that.

- Are these the questions?
- Yeah, do not look at those! Right.

Disqualification.
You're both disqualified.

Um, Gareth, we're having an argument.
We need your help.

- Not interested.
- No, listen. 'Cause you can help.

No, I don't want to help.
I haven't got time to help, all right?

- Right. It's about the army.
- Go on, then, quick.

I was wondering
if a military man like you,

a soldier,

could you give a man a lethal blow?

If I was forced to, I could.
If it was absolutely necessary.

If he was attacking me.

If he was coming really hard.

Yeah. If my life was in danger, yeah.

And do you always imagine doing it
face to face with a bloke,

or could you take a man from behind?

- Either way is easy.
- Either way.

And so you could do a man from behind?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Lovely.

It's got an error, an offline error 324.

So I'm going to have
to take the paper out.

That comes out.

- Hiya.
- Hiya.

Do you know about these?
I'm trying to fix this.

It's got an offline 243 error
that I just...

- No.
- I don't really know what that is so...

You know, we were talking earlier
about Dostoyevsky, weren't we?

- Oh, yeah?
- Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky.

- Born 1821. Died 1881.
- That's right.

Just interesting that stuff about him

being exiled in Siberia
for four years, wasn't it?

Well, I don't know much about that.
I didn't cover it, really.

All it is is he was a member
of a secret political party

and they put him in a Siberian
labour camp for four years,

so, you know.

Hang on. I read about it in, er...

He wrote House of the Dead.

I think he put all his memoirs in that.

Didn't he?

Yep.

Oh.

So, you've dug your foxhole
and you've pitched your tent.

- GARETH: Right.
- They've discovered your camp,

and you're lying there, and they've
caught you with your trousers down,

and they've all entered your hole
without you knowing.

No, because I'd be ready for them.

You'd just be lying there
waiting for it?

Yeah. Well, no. What's more likely
is that I wouldn't be there

if I knew they knew where I was.

I'd be hiding, watching the hole,
using it as a trap.

- So, you'd be using your hole as bait?
- Yeah.

You're how old? 30? And you're getting
off on pretending Gareth's gay.

- What?
- What?

I think she's been on the waccy baccy!

Yeah.

Oh. Wassup.

It's very complicated.
You open that, put that in there,

put that down there, and you...

- Hiya.
...push the green button.

Were we talking earlier about
Dostoyevsky's House of the Dead?

- Yeah. I think we mentioned it.
- Which he wrote in 1862.

I was just going to say
that it wasn't his first major work.

Wasn't it?

No. His first major work
was Notes from the Underground,

which he wrote when he got back
to St Petersburg in 1859.

- Really?
- Yep. Definitely.

Well, of course, my favourite is
The Raw Youth.

It's basically where Dostoyevsky
goes on to explain

how science can't really find
answers for the deeper human need.

Yeah. He does.

Yeah.

Whatever happens,
it ain't going to be a flashy wedding.

- Heaven forbid.
- No.

Yeah, it'll just be a registry office.
Save money.

Then what we'll probably do is
move in with me mum for a few months.

- Save on rent?
- Yeah.

Let Dawn get a few kiddies
under her belt.

Which'll be nice because then
my mum can look after them.

You'll probably go out and get a
part-time cleaning job or something.

Got to dream the dream.

(TIM LAUGHING)

What's that?

I was just laughing at what Dawn said.

- 'Cause you're such a big high flyer.
- No.

I was laughing at her joke, that's all.

When you get a life, mate,
you can take the mickey out of ours.

- I'm not having a go, I'm just...
- No, listen, mate.

I don't mean to have a go at you.
You're fine. No worries.

- We've all had a coffee.
- No worries.

Is it questions?
Is it an intro? What I'm saying is...

Oi! Finchy!

Tell me, man. When's it due?

Here we go. Fasten your seatbelts.

There's not a seatbelt big enough
for you, you fat bastard.

All bought and paid for, innit?

I'm not saying he's fat, but when
he jumps in the air, he gets stuck.

"I'm David Brent. I'm David Brent."

Jim Carrey on acid!

You know what they say,
there's none so queer as folk,

- or David Brent.
- Oh, speak to yourself...

Spit it out, as your boyfriend
said last night!

I was just going to say that
back to you.

Yeah. But, I don't have
a boyfriend, you do.

- Can't get a bloody word in edgeways!
- Can't get a what in edgeways?

- Ooh, matron!
- Come on, then, fat lad.

Oh, that, we're always...

Oh, God. Finchy.

Come and check out the opposition.

- Yeah, uh, Ricky, this is Chris.
- Hello, mate.

I'm Chris Finch.
I heard about Blockbusters.

You'll need more than that tonight.
I heard about your Dostoyevsky.

I read a book a week, so a question
like that's not going to catch me out.

- While you're down there, love...
- Close to the bone but harmless, innit?

Christ. Give me half hour with her,
I'll be up to my nuts in guts.

Sorry. Exactly which books
do you read every week?

Science. Science and nature.

Everything on the Trivia board.
All those different subjects.

In books.

These lot sound like they haven't
read a book between them!

- College boys.
- Bloody students. Waste of space.

"Oh, I don't do anything all day,
but I need more money to do it."

(LAUGHS) Political.

Yeah. I had a job
when I was studying, so...

Yeah, right! And what was your job?

Professor in charge of watching
Countdown every day?

He's clever and funny.
I bloody hate him.

That's why we get on, really, innit?

Similar.

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

Can I have everyone's attention, please?

Welcome to the seventh annual
Wernham Hogg quiz night.

Current champions are
this team here, The Dead Parrots.

- Fit enough to fly.
- He sleeps.

If you hadn't nailed him
to the perch, he would be

- pushing up the daisies!
- Pushing up the daisies!

Monty Python.

- Question one. All right...
- Hang on.

David, we haven't...

Oh, yeah. Tim's birthday today.

He's 30 years young, as I always say.

(APPLAUSE)

So what better way to celebrate
than a battle of wits?

Speech!

GARETH: Okay. Question one.

In the mid-1960s,

the US Army replaced
all existing infantry guns

with the M-16 rifle and which
fixed-rate, repeat-fire machine gun?

- You what?
- Write the answer if you know it.

Next.

DAVID: We've been quiz champions
for six years now.

We nearly lost it
two years ago, unjustly.

Because Gareth was quizmaster then
and the question was,

what type of alien is Mr Spock?

Everyone put Vulcan, which is incorrect.

Mr Spock is half-Vulcan,
half-human, okay?

And Gareth went,
"Oh, look, everyone gets one point,"

but I said,
"No, everyone does not get one point.

"Carpet Munchers don't get a point,
Dr Wankenstein doesn't.

"Steven Hawkings' Football Boots
don't get a point. I do."

I had to go home
to get a book to prove it.

They went, "Oh, yeah, you're right.
Well done. You've won. Sorry."

No apologies necessary.
Let's get on with the quiz but...

Remember. Learn.

Okay, question two.

In the song 19 by Paul Hardcastle,

he told us that the average age
of a soldier in the Vietnam War was 19.

Hardcastle also told us
the average age of a soldier

in the Second World War.

What was it?

Gareth, are all these
going to be about war?

No. I got loads of...

I got one on tennis,
one on the Suez Canal. Loads.

Okay. Question three.

Which canal links the Mediterranean
with the Red Sea?

Oh, I don't want to talk about Mr Spock.
That was all sorted out then.

Questions were asked.
Certain parties weren't happy.

The questions were solved.
End of discussion.

All right? Don't rake up old graves.

I don't want to go through
all that again

about whether he's a Vulcan
or a human or vice versa.

All I will say is what
I said at the time. Okay?

Look at his ears.

How could you confuse Howard Jones
with Nik Kershaw? Shame on you.

- Nik Kershaw's the little bloke...
- Howard Jones was the one with the...

That whole round's about
old entertainment.

It's about old entertainment.

It's all about late '60s, early '70s.

- Which insect produces gossamer?
- Shh! Come on, man.

- Which insect produces gossamer?
- DAVID: What is it?

- I want you to answer, Finchy!
- What is it?

It's a spider.

A spider is an arachnid, not an insect.

- Ha, yes!
- Six legs or eight legs?

- Thank you. Am I right?
- Two out.

DAVID: Shame on you.

Ha! Eight legs, six legs.
Eight legs, six legs.

You just need to spend a few
terms at the university of life.

A spider is not an insect officially.
Thank you.

RICKY: We'll see, we'll see.
We'll see when this is over.

People go, "Why is it important,
a question about Mr Spock?"

I go, "It's like saying,
I've got a new pedigree dog breed.

"It's half Alsatian, half Labrador."

I go along to Crufts, I go, "Can I
enter this dog in the Labrador section?"

"No." "Why?" "Because it's not
a Labrador." "Correct."

"Can I enter it in the Alsatian
section?""No. For the same reasons.

"Now, get that dog out of my sight."

"Thanks, I will.
You've proved my point."

And that's Crufts. All right?

Who had a hit single with Don't Speak?

No Doubt.
Yeah. I thought it might be No Doubt.

Why did you say Four Non Blondes, then?

I got Hootie the Blowfish,
so let's move on.

East... East Side.

Oi.

- I didn't know.
- You do know.

Didn't know.

- Missed.
- Did I?

I said No Doubt.
That was the first thing that came in.

And then you're putting
this thing in my mind.

Poison with your bloody
Four Non Blondes.

- Eh?
- Both good groups.

Just don't guess. Think. Logical. Think.

There's no logic to music, it's art.

- God!
- Is this the first time you've lost?

We're not losing.
The right questions aren't coming up.

It's the whole point of a quiz, isn't
it? Isn't it supposed to be random?

Yeah, well, randomly awful.

- Next time, I'll choose the questions.
- Good quizmaster.

- Choose a topic.
- All right. Sport.

- What's the capital of Iceland?
- Reykjavik.

- Is that still a sport?
- All right. You. Capital of Borneo?

- Don't care.
- See? It doesn't have one.

- You didn't get any of those, did you?
- (MOBILE RINGS)

- And they were random, yeah.
- It wasn't really random.

DAVID: Hello, Doctor.

He's asking after me?

No. There's no way I can get away now.
I am snowed under at work.

Can't you give him something
to help him sleep?

Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Thanks. Oh...

You don't know who sang
In the Summertime do you?

Mungo Jerry. Okay. Yep, yep. Cheers.

All right, yeah. Ha ha! Very funny.

Do you want to hear the results or not?

Okay. In position number four,
Universally Challenged.

Third place goes to...

Malcolm and Dennis!

Er, which means that... Well...

It's a dead heat between
the Dead Parrots and The Tits.

So tie-breaker situation.

Could you send one member of each
of your teams up for a tie-breaker?

All right. Come and stand here.
Tie-breaker question. Are you ready?

First person to shout out
the correct answer wins.

All right? So, if you're ready.

Which Shakespeare play features
a character called Caliban?

- Macbeth.
- GARETH: No. Ricky?

- Midsummer Night's Dream. Hamlet.
- No. You've had your go.

No. You said the first person
to shout out the answer wins.

You didn't say you only had one chance.

- The Tempest.
- The Tempest. He's got it!

There it is.
Ladies and gentlemen, the winners.

That's Blockbusters!

(ALL CHEERING)

You didn't say you only had one go.

You said the first person
to shout out the answer wins, yeah?

The first person. That's my point.

Here he is. Chris Finch.
Is it Hamlet or is it Macbeth?

Maybe I'll write the questions next time
and you can have this fat bastard.

- Banter.
- No, it's not banter.

- It's not banter, not now.
- Okay. When we had the question,

"Name the Cuban leader who's been
in power since the revolution in 1959."

- Fidel Castro.
- You know it now. But what did you say?

- It's in that situation...
- Tell them. What did you say then?

What did you say then? Go on.

Who's the Cuban leader?

- Fray Bentos.
- (MAN LAUGHS)

No wonder this place is going down
the pan. You're a waste of space.

Hey, don't get at him
just 'cause they beat you.

- They beat me?
- Yes.

I could give you a list of 50 things
I could beat them at.

- Like what?
- Like throwing.

Throwing. No. That's good.

The landlord of the Lamb Pub
in Chichester

challenges me to throw one
of these copper kettles over his pub.

So I go outside, take off my tie,
tie it to the handle. (WHISTLES)

Did it go over?

(WHISTLES AND IMITATES CRASHING)

Obviously. That's actually
an official Territorial Army method

if you're in the jungle.

Except you wouldn't use a tie obviously,
you'd use vines from the trees.

- DAWN: Would you use a kettle?
- No, it'd be the equivalent. Coconut.

I will throw anything
that you choose over this building.

- lf I do it, we win the quiz.
- New challenge.

- Double or quits.
- It's a challenge.

So you choose anything,
if he can throw it over,

we've won the champagne, and that it.
That's the real quiz.

That's the real quiz. Choose one thing.

You really are a couple of
sad little men, aren't you?

Oh, they're sad little men?

He's thrown a kettle over a pub,
what have you done?

Do you want a challenge or not?

If I do it,
we win the quiz, we win the prize.

- That's the real quiz.
- Now, you choose something.

- Choose something.
- (ALL CLAMOURING)

- A chair?
- No, not a chair.

- Throw Gareth over.
- No, seriously...

How about the birthday boy?
Throw him over.

- Throw his shoes over.
- His shoes.

- TIM: No, no!
- (ALL CLAMOUR NOISILY)

It's just a challenge.

Tickle him! Tickle him! Tickle him!

Can I have it back? Oi!

- Using the tie method?
- Oh, no. The shoelaces.

- He's using the laces.
- Bastard! I knew he would!

- DAVID: Typical. That'll work!
- So, Finch...

- Thank you very much...
- You'll get it back.

(ALL CLAMOURING)

RICKY: How are we going to know
if it goes over?

- What?
- How're we gonna know if it goes over?

Go and check if it goes over.
Sussed. Go on.

Right. Here we go.

Two and three and four...

- Hooray!
- Oh, yes!

Looking good.

- Come on now.
- RICKY: Did it go over?

DAVID: Did it go over?
SHEILA: Yeah. It came right past me.

(ALL CHEERING)

- The Wonder Horse!
- Screw Blockbusters!

Screw Bob Holness
and screw your Gold Run.

- You're right. I'm a loser. I'm a loser.
- You're shit, you're shit!

- That's the boss.
- Yes, I am the boss.

Like Springsteen. Born to run.
The Slough branch.

Your university education
didn't help you there, did it?

Now, let that be a lesson to you.

Respect your elders
and do not fuck with the big boys.

- Life! Life!
- Chuck his hat over.

No, don't! It's a radio as well.

(DAVID IMITATING GUITAR SOLO)

DAVID: What an office. What an office!

- Do you want any... help?
- Dawn, let's go. See you, Tim.

See you later.

# So what becomes of you, my love

# When they have finally stripped you of

# The handbags and the gladrags

# That your granddad had to sweat
so you could buy #

One thing we were always very keen to do

whenever we cut to
Gareth's talking heads

was just make him look even more sickly

and what's the word I'm looking for,
translucent,

than he normally is,
so we would always ratchet up the green

on him a bit so he just looked
even more unusual and odd.

- Is that fair to say?
- And that's coming from him.