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(SOFT MOANING)

(HEAVY BREATHING)

(ALARM RINGS)

MAN: Oh!

That was good.

(INHALES)

Top dog, big dog, bad dog.

Who's the best dog?

It's my dog.

Who's the best dog?

It's my dog.

(FAX MACHINE RINGING)
It's the big, bad dog.

Number one dog,
dog at the top.

Slow down, Fido.
We need to talk.

MAN: (ON PHONE) Yeah?
Vince.

Did you see those
Vita Girl numbers?

We hit that
demographic dead on.

Yeah, looking good.
Talk about what?
Us.

VINCE: Man, look,
we're 24 hours away

from fast food fame
or oblivion.

Are you gonna sign off
on that copy or not?

No.
No? No? What do
you mean no?

Look, Nelson, we've been
killing ourselves with this.

Vince. Vince!
What?

Meet you in 20.
Nelson--

MAN: (ON TV) I remember
a lot of things

about growing up.
Summertime...

BOY: (ON TV) I'm starving.
...baseball...

MOM: (ON TV)
Ready for the big game?
BOY: You bet!

Go get 'em, champ.

MAN: (ON TV)
And Dr. Diggity Dogs.

Us? Isn't there some
kind of limit on
"us" talks?

One, okay.
Two, if necessary.

Three, cruel and unusual.

Great dog, big dog.

Forgot about my parents,
didn't you?

I can't make it.
I'm sorry.

Nelson, this is their
third trip to the city.

You could make an effort.

This is important to me.

This account is
very important to me.

Come on, it's Dr. Diggity.

It's practically
an American institution.

American institution.
Dr. Diggity.

An Ameri... No.

Do you know there are
actually people

who don't work
24 hours a day?

They stop, relax,
have lives.

I have a life, Angelica,
and I'm late for it.

Look, I'm not sure
I like the tagline anymore.

It's working too hard.
Needs to be deadpan.

I want to keep
playing with it.

Look, cut it out, man.
The copy's good.

If it ain't broke,
don't fix it.

(CHIMES)

(CHIMES)
That rule applies
to mediocrity.

We want perfection.

What we want
is a check, Nelson.

Bonuses, promotions.
Man, you worry too much.

I worry because
worrying about losing
keeps you winning.

Congrats, Nelson.
You got the ad age
for the Pelican spot.

Give that to me.
Give it, give it!

Look, it says "team."
I'm "team." God!

Morning, Mr. Moss.

Thanks.
Vince.

Beatrice, I'll have the...
The tea.

Hey, did you hear
Edgar Price is coming
out of retirement?

Says he's tired of
being ripped off,

might as well get
back in the game,
rip himself off?

Edgar Price, huh?
Mmm-hmm.

He was the best.

Remember that Mercedes ad
about a trillion years ago?

The car just floating
in outer space,

come right at you,
boom! Genius.

Check this out.
What?

Balance.

How's my dream team?
Got it locked up?

Sure, Chief,
just finessing--

No, no, it's all
locked up, it's locked up.

It's minor, minor details.
Minor details.

See that?
Uh-huh.

Make it happen.
Right.

Red! Blood red!

I can't read this.
Is English her
second language?

I mean this is...
Hey, Nelson.

You're gonna love
these frames.

I took your idea,
you know. I ran with it.

It's still you idea.
It's just better.

Client will love it.

Ethnic.
Ethnic?

Give me a bonfire.
Make it 3/4.

More cleavage,
more dogs.

Nelson, I've got
three girls here.

Let's make this night.

Night? Night.

What's this? Porno?

Well, you said
you wanted edge.

I don't feel it.
There you are.

Blood red.
VINCE: Blood red.

Did you forget your
1:00 at the DMV?

Reschedule.

Beatrice, I don't have
time for this.

Wait until
the presentation's over.

If you don't renew today,

they will suspend
your license,

which means the next time
you get pulled over

they can throw you in jail.

And I bet you don't have
time for that, either.

Nobody beats
the DMV, Nelson,
not even you.

Bye-bye. I got it.

Yeah, yeah.
Gotta feel it.

Yeah, I'm feeling it.
Blood red.

Blood red! Let's go!
Let's bleed!

(BABY CRYING)

Thank you.

All right, they'll
be no talking,

eating, or drinking
during the test.

If your personal hygiene
becomes a distraction,

you'll be asked to leave.

Sorry.

If you need to use
the bathroom,

raise your hand.

Could you pass me
the Columbo, please?

Yeah, the salami.

Thanks.

PROCTOR: You cannot
take the test with you
to the bathroom.

If you do not come back
from the bathroom,

you cannot pass the test.

You may begin.

Falling rock zone?

Oh, Christ.

(WHISPERING)
Hey. Psst. Psst.

Number nine.
True or false?

Oh.

I'm not there yet.
Sorry.

But for 19--

Excuse me.

(TAPPING ON DESK)

Bring your test papers
forward, please.

Me?

You.

With the scarf.

Yes.

I really wasn't cheating.

I mean, why would I cheat
on a DMV test?

You may re-take
the test in 30 days.

(SNORTS)

That's a joke, right?

Thirty days? That's
a whole month.

Great.

Fine.

Guess I'm going.

Walking.

Hey, good luck.

WOMAN: (ON PHONE)
Shane and Dunne.
Nelson Moss for Vince.

Just a moment.
VINCE: Yep?

Hey, did Ruben
tweak the music?

No, he's said it's fine.

Shit!

Cut him.
What?

Get Johnson McDonald.

Give him the sample.
Tell him--

Nelson, you've
lost your mind.

WOMAN: Hey! Hi!
What time tomorrow?

VINCE: Come on, that's crazy.

WOMAN: How'd it go?
Did you get your license?

VINCE: Look, what we've
gotta do now--
Hey, Vince.

What?
What do you think
about this?

Barking mad for Dr. Diggity.

That sucks.

Congratulations.
You can read.

Call you back.
No, no, no--

Can I help you?

Hmm. Can you help me?

Yeah.

Hmm.

That's your van,
isn't it?

Is this your car?

Wow! Nice.

And you can't
drive. Right.

No.

And this is
the way that you...

Right. Shit.

How much do you
make a month?

Doesn't look like much.

I'll cover your expenses.

Here. Call my secretary.
We'll work it out.

This quest for redemption,
is it coming from
true remorse,

or are you just scared
my sitting on your car's

gonna cause a big dent?

The dent, I guess.

That's what I thought.

What are you doing?

Buying redemption.

Redemption's not
for sale today, sorry.

Okay. Guess
I'm going to hell.

Get off the car.

Okay.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Bye!

(TIRES SQUEALING)

♪ You told your great tale

♪ And it's always the same

♪ Quite a shame that
it goes this way

♪ Is what you said

♪ How very bizarre ♪

Okay, here we go.

We're gonna get it.

Get it.

Okay. What is it?

It's a hot dog.

It's a hot dog.

It's a hot hot dog.

MAN: (ON INTERCOM)
Excuse me, Mr. Moss?

Mr. Moss?

It's a hot dog.

Ay! Yeah?

Yeah, Mr. Moss,
uh, it's Manny
from downstairs.

We have a bit of
a situation here.

There is a certain
lady here

who says some
very strange

and personal things
about you.

No, no, you cannot
talk to Mr. Moss.

I've got it. It's okay.

No, you cannot
talk to Mr. Moss.
I can talk to him.

Look, I'm gonna
talk to him, look.

Hey, how are you,
big spender?

Remember me?
I'm downstairs.

You wanna come
down here?

I can't stop
thinking about you.

Did he hear me?

MANNY: Yeah,
he hear you, okay?
You sure?

MANNY: Yeah,
he hear you, okay?
Hello!

Yeah. Yeah, okay.
I'll, uh...

What?
I'll see you in five.

Okay, I'm down here.

MANNY: And then my wife,
she says to me,

"Manny, you can
fix nothing."

So then she leaves me
for plumber.

WOMAN: No.
Yeah. Plumber.

WOMAN: Aw. Oh!

Look at that, Manny.

My very own
Prince Charming.

I don't think
I've ever met

such a royal asshole
in my entire life.

So...

Does your mom know you
treat women like hookers,

or did she raise you
to believe

that being nice means
patronizing the whole world?

Uh-oh. I smell trouble.

Can I talk to you?
Yeah.

Bye, Manny.

How'd you find me?
I'm smart.

So, I need a ride.

Is this a joke?

Well, you're the reason
why I can't drive,

so, you know,
the least you can do
is schlep me somewhere.

Come on. It'll be quick,
painless. Where's your car?

Been a ball,

but some of us
have to work.

Okay, please don't make
me throw a tantrum.

Hi, would you like
to get naked with us?
We live here.

We have a tub full
of fudge and vodka.

Ignore her!
Come on, it's
gonna be fun!

Ignore her,
ignore her!

Hey, what are
you doing?

You know what.
You're a flasher.

You're a flasher!
It's gotta be stopped.

Mr. Johnson,
Mrs. Johnson.

Don't walk away,
Mr. Johnson!

I'm gonna call
the police.

He keeps flashing
everybody in this building.

Hey, hey,
what are you, nuts?

I live here.

Do you have
any shame at all?

Well, I just want a ride.

Please?

Oh, by the way,
I'm Sara Deever.

Nice to meet you.

Okay, well, you wanna
get into the right lane
up here.

Just put your
indicator on--
I know how to drive.

Okay.

We want to take the 80
to Oakland, okay?

Oakland.
Yeah.

You said this
would be quick.

I also said
it would be painless.

This is really nice of you
to this for me, Nelson.

And I'm sorry
if I went a little
too far back there,

but I really did
need this ride,

so I really
appreciate it. Thanks.

Right here, right here.

What do you plan
to do with that?

Commit a heinous crime,
what else?

You'll wait for me, right?

Right?

Of course you will.

Shh.

What am I doing?

What am I doing?

(MEOWING)

(ALARM BLARING)

Go. Go!

Go, go, go, go!

Whoo!

Oh, my God!
That was go great!

Oh! Don't you feel
like Bonnie and Clyde?

No, I don't feel like
Bonnie and Clyde.

Why not?
They got shot, okay?

Don't open it.
I don't want to know.

Don't open it!
Just relax, Nelson.

They're just five little
furry friends.

Say, "Hi, Nelson."

Yeah, somebody
was gonna do

nasty little experiments
on your brains,

but I wouldn't have it.

Say, "No!"

What do you do,
by the way?

I'm in advertising.

Advertising.

So, you enjoy it?

People tend to enjoy
what they're really
good at.

(DOG WHINING)

So, besides your job,

what else makes
you miserable?

I mean, what do
you do for fun?

I didn't think so.

No hobbies?

No diversions?

No kinky obsessions?

For one quick
second there

I really thought
that you were--

Just get in the car.

(HUFFS)

Hey, you want to come up
for a cup of cocoa?

As scintillating as
the evening's been,

I'm afraid not.

Okay.

How about I make
you a deal?

You come up for one cup,
and I'll never ask you

for another ride
as long as I live.

No, thanks.

Okay. Thanks.

I'll see you
tomorrow then, okay?

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, hold on!

Hold on.

8:00, right?
That's good for you.

You, me, Manny the doorman,
that whole thing, huh?

Come in.

There you guys go,
okay? Yeah.

Nelson.

I can help you.

See, I have a gift.

A special ability
to help men with problems.

I don't have
problems.

Ah. Now, see, that usually
is the first sign.

Of what?
Denial.

Denial.

First of all, I think
you work too much.

Really?
Mmm-hmm.

And what do you know
about work?

Plenty.

You admitted
you do nothing else

and it doesn't
make you happy,

so how's that
for screwy logic?

I admitted nothing.
I was silent.

No special interests,
no pets. You hate dogs.

Busted.

Actually, I do have
a pet, a fish.

A fish. Doesn't count.

Cold-blooded. Sorry.

Nope, you are
a walking case study.

Look at you.

You're a workaholic
at such an advanced stage

that your intimacy skills
have withered away

to almost nothing.

Left untreated, Nelson,

you could become
emotionally extinct.

Out of sheer
perverse curiosity,

how does a lunatic
like you help
a guy like me?

You live in a box.

I could lift the lid.

Let some light in.

Wow, that's deep.

I feel almost cured
just hearing it.

Well, if you want my help,

it will require
a commitment on your part.

You have to live with me
here for a month.

(LAUGHS)

No more, no less,

and no work allowed.

You don't even know me,

and you're inviting
me to move in?

Mmm-hmm.

And how's my girlfriend
supposed to feel
about that?

Girlfriend?

You don't have
a girlfriend.

I mean, it's something
that you feel.

There's something
very intimate

that a woman
leaves on a man

that you definitely
don't have.

Her name's Angelica.

Well, I feel sorry
for Angelica.

Great.

I'll relay that to her
when I leave,

which is, uh,
right about now.

October's almost over.

We can start midnight.

First of November.

If you're brave enough
to commit,

I will devote myself
entirely to you.

Brave enough,
but not stupid enough.

Now, listen up, Moonbeam.

Here's how it works.

No more harassment,
no more rides,

no more extortion.

Next time you come
into my building,

I really will
call the cops.

This is your brand
image, Mr. Leach.

We polled your
primary demographic.

You know what 89% said?

Boring. Safe.

We need to drop a bomb.

We don't want
hot dogs, safe.

What's in a hot dog?
Don't tell me.

I don't want to know.

(MEN LAUGHING)

They're dangerous.

What are we selling here?

We're selling temptation,

desire, animal instincts,

gluttony, sin.

We want to show man
as he really is...

A savage.

He needs fire.
He needs food.

He hunts and gathers.

What does he get?

He gets a hot dog.

We're pagans.
We love our rituals.

Our team hits the ball
out of the park.

We're screaming,
we're insane.
What do we want?

We want a hot dog!

Let's go straight
to your pre-teen
demographic.

Kids, the little angels.

They're not angels.
They're monsters!

We give them
a tuna sandwich.

They don't want
a tuna sandwich!

They want a hot dog!

We need women.
We've got the mothers.

We want the daughters.

Let's ask that
age-old question.

What does a woman
really want?

You know. I know.

She wants a hot dog.

We're hot-blooded.
We need sex.

We need a sinful,
dangerous food.

What is it?

It's a hot dog!

It's a hot dog!

It's a hot dog!

It's a hot dog.

Dr. Diggity.
It's a hot dog.

No.

(CHUCKLES) No?

What do you mean?

It's not for us.

You don't understand
our company.

I don't understand?

(CLEARS THROAT)

What did you ask us for?

Edge.

This is edge.

We're going with
Baker-Bohanen.

Excuse me, I think
you're making a mistake.

Nelson.

I've seen your sales.

I mean, you're
in big trouble.

Oh, no.

We are America's
favorite hot dog, son.

Were. Were.

You're a dinosaur.

You're flatlining!

Ha! You're dead meat!

And you just went
too far, you little punk,

so I'm gonna tell you
what I really think
of your campaign.

This is cheap,
tasteless crap.

Oh, really?
Well, that's funny.

Because so's
your product.
Nelson, stop it.

I make a wholesome
hot dog, you prick!

It's mystery meat!

Hey, come on, Nelson,
calm down!

You're killing me!

You're killing us!
You're killing all of us!

Buddy! Hey, hey, buddy!

What the hell
happened in there?

I know. Can you
believe that asshole?

Baker-Bohanen. Hmmph.

Um, I... I've always said
you're brilliant, Nelson.

A goddamn machine,
but I knew that
one of these days

you'd snap
and we'd all burn.

What are you talking
about, burn?

Do you have any idea
what was at stake here?

How many millions of
dollars you just lost?

You just dragged
my agency's name
through the gutter.

Hold on a second.

Gutter? I'm the best thing
this agency's got.

Oh, oh, and that
rabid dog routine

makes you the best?
I don't think so,

Nelson, it makes
you a wreck!

It makes you a liability.

You need a vacation, now.

Screw vacation.

Give me another
account. Come on.

Nelson,
did you hear me?

Take a vacation.

Short or permanent,
your choice.

Are you threatening me?

(NELSON LAUGHS)

That's hilarious.

I'm two Clios ahead
of the game, Ray.

You can't afford
to lose me.

You're fired.

Say that again.

I don't think
I heard you.

You're fired!

Hmm?

(DOOR SLAMS)

God, am I glad
to see you.

Oh, you've gotta
be kidding me.

(CLATTERING LOUDLY)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

MANNY: Mr. Moss?

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

You have a delive...
Ah!

You have delivery.

Leave it!

Oh, no, I do not think
you want me do that,
Mr. Moss.

It's from the crazy lady
from the other night.

She tell me I have to
deliver in the flesh.

I said leave it!

Okay.

Uh...

Whew. Shh.

Whew.

(BARKS)

Oh, you gotta
be kidding me.

♪ I don't wanna rock, DJ

♪ But you're making me
feel so nice

♪ When it's gonna stop, DJ ♪

Hey.
Whoo!

Hey, do me a favor.

Stay out of my life.

Goodbye.

Is that Ernie?

It's Ernie. Yay!

I missed you
so much. Hi.

Did you re-think
my offer?

The last thing I feel
like doing right now

is playing the Sara Deever
Mad Hatter game.

What is this?
What happened?

Nothing.
Well, can I look at it?

Why?
Because I'm a vampire.

Because it's bleeding,
and maybe...

Maybe I can help you.

What are you after?

What do you want from me?

Ew.

You should come with me.

Why are you sending me
dogs, huh?

So, what did you
do today?

What'd I do today?
Mmm-hmm.

I got fired.

They took the company car,

and my girlfriend left me.

Ah, perfect.

Define "perfect."

Well, it's the first
of November.

Our month to be together.

You're actually serious
about this, aren't you?

Oh, yeah. Very.

You think I'm just
gonna drop everything.

I really don't wanna
bust your bubble here,

but it sounds like
you already have, Nelson.

Live here and let you
mess with my head

for a whole month.

Well, I don't know
if I would put it that way,

but... Yeah.

That's what I think
you should do.

I'm sorry.
I can't stand watches.

So this, whatever
you call it...

Help.
Help.

Mmm-hmm.

What are you doing?

Taking your shirt off.

Why?

So you can clean up.

Why?

Because you smell
like puppy pee.

♪ There is a diamond

♪ Inside of me

Just for the night.

♪ That lights up
the sky of my soul

♪ Black fell the diamond

♪ When I believed

♪ That all of the hurt

♪ Was my fault

♪ I'm opening the heart door

♪ Letting in the light

♪ Opening the heart door

♪ Giving life to me
that died

♪ You ended us
with that person

♪ Who comes home too late
from the bar

♪ And I ended us... ♪

Hey.

Oh, whoa, wait.

Okay...

What?

(SIGHS)

Slower, you know?

Yeah.

Gentle.

Look at me.

Oh, it's not
very comfortable.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What are you doing?

What does it look
like I'm doing?

Hey, wait.
Just go slow.

Just... What's wrong?

What's... What's wrong?

Where are you going?
To hell with the whole
goddamn thing!

What? Wait...

Nelson.

Nelson! Please wait!

(RAIN POURING)

Nelson, will you
just wait a second?

I have no words
to describe

how positively
whacked you are.

What are you
so pissed off about?

This has been
the day from hell.

The absolute
last thing I need

is you telling me
what to do in the sack!

I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to, I just--
Just what?

Making sure your,
your little game

was going according
to plan?

It's not a game.
Really?

Then just what the hell
is it, exactly?

I'm trying to help you.

I don't need help.

Nelson, it doesn't get
much sweeter than this.

What I'm offering to you
is a win-win situation.

Yeah? And what
do you get out of it?

I get to help you.

I don't understand you.
This whole thing.

You don't need
to understand me.

You just need
to let it happen.

Please, don't go.

Why not?

'Cause I know
you don't want to.

Have you, uh,
ever considered
a career in sales?

No.

Well, you should.

You're relentless.

Nelson...

Would you like
to be my November?

Yes.

(CAT MEOWS)

(BARKING)

How ya doing?
What's your name?

Raquel.
Raquel.

That's a beautiful
name.

Could you put
an extra shot

of chocolate
in my mocha? Yeah.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Chocolate's an aphrodisiac.
Did you know that?

You look great
in that smock. Yeah?

NELSON: Vince.
Nelson, where the hell
are you, man?

I've been calling you.
What...
Edgar Price.

Edgar Price.
Edgar Price.

Edgar Price?
(STUTTERS) What?

Can you get us
a meeting?

VINCE: You and me?

You and me.

Edgar Price's
new company. Game?

Oh, that is brilliant, man.
That's genius.

I will get us that meeting.

They stuck me
with that loser,
John Headley.

I can't keep going
on like this.

Vince...

Call my cell
with news.

VINCE: Yeah, absolutely.
SARA: Hey!

Stop what you're doing
right now.

Why?

Because it's the same
boring thing

you do every day
of your life.

And you can't
do that with me.

What's wrong
with your TV?

Good morning.

It doesn't work.

Of course it doesn't work.
It's a planter.

Right.

Where are my clothes?

I gave 'em away.

You what?

I gave 'em away.

Oh, but...

Look at this.

Whoo! Oh, yeah, baby.

Freedom. No more suits.

I got you those.

Sara, this is not helpful.

Give me my shirt
and pants back.

What? It's clothes.

It's just gonna
cover your body anyway.
What do you care?

Hey, um,
do you like cheese?

(ERNIE WHIMPERS)
Hey, there, Ernie. Hi.

Ernie. Are you sad?
Do you miss your brother?

You'll stay with me
till we find you some
decent parents, okay?

Hey, by the way,

when do I get to meet
your parents?

My parents are dead.

I'm sorry.

Sara, I'm not amused.
I want my clothes back.

Now.

I told you.
I gave them away.

I promise
I'll never lie to you.

So...

Would you like
vegan sausage,
vegan bacon...

Yeah, well, that's
all we got now. Huh?

I make it with a lot
of vegan butter

so it gets really nice
and black and crispy.

But if you don't
like it that way,

I won't make it
that way, okay?

Hey, hey!

Three hours sleep last night.

Tried valerian root.
Melatonin.

The Shopping Channel.

You know what did
the trick in the end?
What?

Jimmy Cagney.

Public Enemy.

Violence as a tranquilizer,
how twisted is that?

Ah.

You're looking
very sexy today.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Wow.

I do believe that is
my favorite sweatshirt I see.

SARA: Mmm-hmm.

You must be November.

I must be November?

That's Nelson.

Hey, Nelson. Howdy.

I'm Chaz.

Hey.

You know what?

Keep the sweatshirt.
Looks better on you.

Is this some kind
of a communal, culty,

Squeaky-Charlie
type of deal?

That's very good.
He's very funny.

Much cooler
than October.

What a wanker he was.
All right, I gotta go.

Mmm.
Mmm.

I love you, baby.
I love you.

Are you sure
you don't want any food?

And get fat like you?
Ah.

See you around, Nelson.

NELSON: See ya.

I think I'll pull myself out
of monthly rotation
while I'm ahead.

What? Nelson.

Who the hell was
that? Your pimp?

Chaz?
Chaz lives downstairs.

We just look
after each other.

I think Chaz can
take care of himself.

He just needs
a good night's sleep.

Hello, sweetheart
how are you?

Hey, you guys.
Nelson, these are...

Sorry.

I was trying
to introduce you.

That's Al and Osiris.
They own that bookstore.

They used to be
really close friends
with Jack Kerouac.

I don't care.
I don't read.

Sara, can you spare
15 bucks?

Bruce, I just gave
you those clothes.

Why you gotta be
so greedy?

That's my shirt!
Those are my pants!

Hey! Hey!

SARA: Doesn't it
feel good to give?

Leave me alone!
No.

You November?

Where am I?

Boy, you guys
have to meet.

Nelson, this is Abner.
Abner, Nelson.

Abner's gonna set
a world record
one day, right?

Yeah.
What's today's project?

Standing on one leg.
You wanna time me?

I have to break
the current record
of 300 hours.

No.

Loser.

Get a life.

Good one. (LAUGHS)

You let a 10-year-old
wind you up?

Forget him.
What about you?

You sleep
with half the city,

get the whole
neighborhood involved.

What? You'd prefer
if I was a virgin?

Considering
the alternative, yes.

I'm yours.

All yours.

Look, Sara, you're great.

You're a very sexy,
smart, interesting,

somewhat unusual woman.
But we, uh...

I always think it's best
to clarify issues.

You are the most
egotistical man
I've ever met.

I am talking
about a month.

The truth is,
I don't have a month.

Time is money.

(SIGHS)

Okay, this...
Let's just...

Just how long do you
think you can put

this big, fat lucrative
career of yours on hold?

(STUTTERS) Just...

God, what am I
talking about?

You don't,
you're are unemployed!

You don't have a job!
You got fired, Nelson.

You have nothing
to go back to.

You know, the more
I think about it,

this project of yours
feels like an excuse
to get laid.

Sara.
Sara, I'm sorry. I...

Sara, I didn't mean to...
I didn't think you'd...

I...

I just don't understand why
you're doing this is all.

I told you.
I have my reasons.

Still friends?

Only if you give me
what I want.

(CHUCKLES)

What?

Time.

All I can do is a day.

I'll take it.

Okay.

I'll take it.

Always a thrill to explore
new career possibilities.

How much do you
charge for this?

I don't do this
for the money.

Why do you do it?

Because I like it.

You can take 'em
off the leashes.

Come here. Oh, yes.

You're so excited, I know.

Yeah, go raise some hell.
Come here.

Don't tell your mom, okay?

You can let 'em go,
you know, Nelson.

Whoo!

Come on!

♪ He was your imaginary
friend ♪

Yippee.

♪ You were partners
till the end

♪ Then something bends
and then it breaks

♪ Your worst mistake accepting

♪ Enemies on bended knees

♪ A litany of tragedies

♪ You're vexed
It seems you're hexed

♪ And after sex

♪ He expects you'll
let him off the hook

♪ Till something
that you heard

♪ When you were sleeping

♪ Left you shaken
while he stirred

♪ When you awaken you will

♪ Make him eat his words

♪ Right off the hook ♪

(LAUGHING)

Get off of me.

(BARKING)

Yeah.

So, tell me.
When was the last time

you spent a whole day
outside?

When my parents
dragged me to Alcatraz

for the day
at the age of nine.

Wow.

Now you tell me
something.
Anything.

What was so enlightening
about what we did today?

Why is letting
some dogs go wild

a better way to live
than my way?

I mean, granted,
it was mildly amusing.

But I gotta tell you,
my third eye didn't open.

Well, these things
take time,

and you don't have time.

No, seriously, it's
a question of values.

Why is doing something
fundamentally trivial

better than living
a responsible life,

boring as that
might seem to you?

And who made you
the expert,
the doctor, the guru?

Why do you have
all the answers?

Well, I used to own
this company
called Sublime Pets.

Uh-huh.

No, I really did.
And then I quit

because it wasn't
fun anymore, you know?

NELSON: Was that before
or after you toured
as a stand-up comedienne?

Mmm-mmm.
I never did that.

Well, this...

This will be
really good for you.

Uh...

Sharpen your instincts.

No, no. (CHUCKLES)

Not those kind
of instincts.

So the object
of the game,

if you get
your hands off me,

is...

I run around and
you lose track of me,

then you...
No, no peeking.
Hands off.

Count to ten...

(WHISPERING)
And come find me.

One, two, three,
I'm gonna get you.

Four, five six,
I know where you are.

Seven, eight, nine, ten.

(BARKS)

(WHIMPERS)

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Oh, Nelson,
that was terrible.

You didn't even
get close.

This is funny?

I'm sorry. You okay?

(ERNIE WHIMPERS)

Sara, you not
going to be upset
when I leave tonight?

I told you one day.

Yeah, of course.

Mitch was my October.

(SARA CHUCKLES)

He was so shy.

I think he was
the shyest man
I've ever met.

So,

we focused
on strengthening
his confidence.

And was the patient cured?

Oh, yeah. My, um...

My treatment
was so effective

that we had to terminate
the month early.

And what
about September?

No. No September.

What?

You didn't think
I was weird about it
or something, did you?

And you
and all these guys...

Does it really matter
that much to you?

Why a month?

Because it's long enough
to be meaningful

and short enough
to stay out of trouble.

(SIGHS) Well...

It was delicious.

Thanks.

It's getting late.

Yeah. So, um...

Don't worry about this.
I'll clean it up.

(ERNIE WHIMPERS)

What are you gonna do
when you go home?

I don't know.

I don't usually
map out my evenings.

You're gonna go home,

turn on your TV...

Get bored.

Turn on your computer...

Go through your work.

Get bored.

Surf the Net.

Get bored...

Then think of me.

♪ Are you breathing
what I'm breathing

♪ Are your wishes
the same as mine

♪ Are you needing
what I'm needing

♪ I'm waiting for a sign

♪ My hands tremble

♪ My heart aches

♪ Is it you calling

Shh.

Ernie.

♪ Is it you calling

Try to be wrong
once in a while.

It would do my ego good.

♪ I don't think I can face

♪ The consequences
of falling ♪

NELSON: I still don't see
why we couldn't take a cab.

Because I make
the rules, Nelson.

Rules you must
submit to utterly
and completely.

You know, if you want to be
a dominatrix that badly,

why don't we just go
and buy you the leather
and get it over with?

Ooh. I think
I'm strangely aroused.

SARA: That's Abner.

Hi.

Hi.

Is that you?

So, he's got a face.

It's a good one, too.

Did you wait long?

No.
Good.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

What is that?
No, you didn't.

You did not
bring that here!
What can I say?

Yeah?

VINCE: Just call me genius.
I don't mind.

What up, Vince?

What up? You. Me.
Edgar Price.

November 17th. Friday.
That's what up.

I'm your little
rainmaker, brother.

You're a genius.

Well, it's about time
you said so. Hey, hey!

Hey, I heard about
Angelica, man. I'm sorry.

You know, as much
as I despised her,

I knew she wasn't right
for you.

Uh, so, do I smell
new female friend?

What makes you say that?

What makes... You don't
return my phone calls.

Come on, there's
estrogen in the air.
Don't insult me. I got a life.

Come on, who is she?

You wouldn't know her.

I would, yeah, but... I know,
but would I despise her?

That's the question.
On a scale of 9 to 10,

is she, what, a "9"
or a "10" or a what?

Listen, I gotta run.

Great news
on the Edgar Price thing.

Hold on to it, okay?

(BOAT HORN BLOWS)

Oh, that's really cool. Not.

What is it?
Pokemon's dinghy?

All right, guys,
let's do this!

All boats!
All boats in the water!

Except for this kid's.

That's not a kid.
That's a girl.

BOY: He is a girl.
What's with that boat?

Maybe I should
just forget about it.

Just ignore them, Abner.

BOY: Abner?

EVERYONE: Abner.

Hang in there, Ab.

All boats in the water.

All right, guys,
let's do this.

(AIR HORN BLOWS)

BOY: Say your prayers, Abner.

Whoo!

Go, Abner.

SARA: Go, Abner!

Go, Abner!

Excuse me.

You wanna make
100 bucks?

Sure.

GIRL: I'm in second.

BOY: Look at that.
GIRL: I'm in second.

Come on, Abner!
Come on!

(CHUCKLING)

Hey, my boat's all...

What's going on?

(CROWD CHEERING)

Straight. Straight.

Come on, Abner!
You can do it!

I guess I'm winning.

Hold on. That little
creep is cheating.

No, I'm not.
My boat's just better.

Go, Abner!

(AIR HORN BLOWS)

Oh!

I guess I won.

That was fun.

Next time, can we
do it with cars?

Sure.
No.

Bye.
See ya, Abner.

Good night.
Good night.

You know,
that was really nice
what you did today.

Thanks.

But it's not
gonna help him.

What do you mean?

Well, he's gonna have
a lot of obstacles
in his life,

and he's gonna
have to learn
to deal with 'em.

Those kids
were laughing at him.

You ever been laughed at?

Okay. Cheating's bad.
I guess.

You're a father
figure now.

Get out of here,
father figure.
The kid just met me.

Well, when you
don't know your dad
you're not that picky.

Look at that,
Nelson. That's life.

It's just happening
around us all the time.

I think that's
so beautiful.

Tell me your
secret dream.

I'm not much
on that kind of thing.

Oh, come on.
Everybody's got one.

One they only tell
after a couple of drinks.

Tell me.

My father sold
door-to-door.

Vacuum cleaners,
life insurance.

For a while,
he even sold plastic food.

We were, uh,
kind of the joke
of the neighborhood.

And believe me,
the neighborhood

was a pretty grim
joke itself.

Where'd you grow up?

Here. I, uh...

I still own
the house, but...
I never go there.

Anyway, uh...

Every night after dinner,
he would...

Shut himself in the TV room

and listen to 45s.

Bobby Darin, Perry Como,
Tony Bennett.

For a year or so...

I desperately
wanted to be a singer.

'Cause you thought
it would make him happy?

No, I...

I thought those guys...

Were everything he wasn't.

Successful, proud...

In control.

I'd like to hear you sing.

(CHUCKLES)
That will never happen.

(LAUGHS)

Come on. One day.

One day you'll
sing for me, right?

WOMAN: What are we doing?

The movie starts
in 10 minutes.
Maybe we should skip it.

I'll get you
a cappuccino.

God, if I can find
a cappuccino. Relax.

I hope that I can
eat all this.

VINCE: Oh, my God.

Somebody went
domestic on me.

Okay. Okay, wow.
No, I get it.
It all makes sense.

Mystery woman unveiled,

and what... Uh,
what is this place?

What kind of bohemian
backwater is...

Do they read poetry here?

Sara, Vince.
Vince, Sara.

Hey.

Very nice to meet you.

I got to go.
Bye, Abner.

Something I said?
Vince, the movie.

Oh, that's my
good friend, um...

Uh...

What, you can't
remember her name?

Oh, she shouldn't care
if I remember her name

as long as I remember
to pick up the check, right?

That's incredible.

That is, I think,
the most astute
observation

of female behavior
I've ever heard.

She's funny.
You're funny. That's funny.

This is my very good
friend Nelson,

and his very good
friend, um...

Uh... Tell me.

Sara.
Sara.

Hi. Lexy.
Hi, nice to meet you.

Lexy, Sara. Sara, Lexy.

We all... We should
all go out sometime,

get drunk and nasty.
What do you say?

Hey, uh, quick order.
One cappuccino to go.

Uh, quick answer.
No quick orders.

Okay. Well, we love
this place.

We'll be back every day.

I got to go take care
of, uh, Lexy.

Remember the 17th,
you, me and God.

Sara, very nice
to meet you.

It was an honor.

Very entertaining.

"God." Wow.

We're going
to be late,

and it's your fault.

He's actually
a good guy, deep down.

Somewhere.

Yeah.

I just mean
the glibness...

It kind of wears you out
after a while.

(CHUCKLES)

Do you trust him?

Like friends do,
you know?

Do you think he'll
be there for you?

When?

Like a scary situation
or something.

Well, you may
have noticed I...

I don't put myself
in scary situations.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, you know what?

Why don't we go see
that house
you grew up in?

Wanna do that?

That's not
too scary, is it?

It's just a house.

Come.

(BOBBY DARIN SINGING)

I've tried so hard
not to come back here.

Come here.

(SINGING CONTINUES)

Sorry.

Ouch.
(SARA GIGGLES)

Sara,

I know I don't
know a lot of things,

but, uh, I do know
how to slow dance.

You're terrible.

(BOTH SMIRK)

Here, here,
let me show you.

Follow me.

Aah!

Whoa!

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Yes, one apple.

Oh, no, no.
No pay, no pay.

You eat two.
You too skinny.

I'm too skinny?
Yeah, yeah.

Should be fat.
Much better.

Whoo!
Thank you.

...the party,
and the sound,

and everything.
I mean, I'm totally...

It's just insane.

I looked up your website
the other night.

Your sister's pretty.

Looks a lot like you.

Yeah, well, it's not
my website anymore.

It's not my anything
anymore.

Why'd you quit?

It started out small
and then it got big.

That's generally considered
a good thing in business.

Yeah, well,
everything got big.

Egos. Lives. Desires.

I didn't like
the big me.

I wasn't very happy.

You want to know
the most amazing
part of it all?

What?

I got out before
it got really big.

Can you imagine that?

No, I can't imagine you

with millions
and millions of dollars.

(LAUGHS)

CHAZ: Did you change
the beans or something?

SARA: Yeah.

It's hazelnut.
You don't like it?

Honestly?

It tastes like camel piss.

Let's stick
to the classics in future.

Excuse me.

Privacy.
Heard of it?

Very impressive set of pecs
you got there, Nelson.

Do you work out, then?

Me, I haven't got time.

Your pecs, on the other hand,
darling,

are just edible.

(SCOFFS)
Now, don't forget,
dinner's at 8:00.

It's dressy,
'cause we're gonna eat,

and we are
going dancing.
SARA: Whoo!

We're gonna see if
Last of the Mohicans here
has got rhythm.

(LAUGHS)

Doesn't that guy know how
to make his own coffee?

(LAUGHS)

You ready to go?

Yeah.
Okay, good.

'Cause I told Chaz, Cherry
we'd be on time.

Oh, we're calling everyone
by their first
and last names now?

I don't wanna waste my night
with Chaz, Cherry.

I want to get naked
with Sara Deever.

(SARA GIGGLES)

You look beautiful.
Hmm.

Thank you, Nelson Moss.

Come on, you won't be bored.
I promise.

Chaz, Cherry's a great cook.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Yoo-hoo!
We're here.

Oh! Hallelujah!

And we're hungry.
Ah, it's too late.

I sold you dinner
to the homeless.

Nelson, look at you.

Didn't recognize you
with your clothes on.

(SARA CHUCKLES)

Nelson, you've met Chaz.

This is Cherry.
Enchante.

(MUSIC PLAYING IN BACKGROUND)

CHAZ: Oh, watch the nails.

Thanks very much.

Hmm.
Wow.

Wow.

Very, uh...

Pink Flamingos.

Oh, my God!

Sweetheart! He says
I look like Divine.

Oh, that's awful.

Although you could
lose a few pounds.
Stop it.

Stop it. Bitch.

Brandy, this is Nelson.

Nelson, this is Brandy.

Hi.
Oh, he is handsome.

Put it back in your pants.

Grab a drink, Nelson.

You all right? You seem
a little bit uncomfortable.

Looking a wee bit peaky.

Come over here and let me
loosen you up a little bit.

Just one top.

CHAZ: Hey, is the music,
maybe?

No, it's great.
'Cause we've got some, um,

Michael Bolton,
if you prefer.

Alabama.
Ah, yeah. Yeah.

(CLEARS THROAT) No.
Or is it the decor?

No, it's, uh...

(GIGGLING)

You're in dresses.

Well, this isn't a dress.
This is a sequin sensation.

Cheers.

That's not a dress.

CHAZ: Oh, God, lassie.
Come on.

BRANDON: Start in.

I'm hungry to have
some delish.

Do you want those?
Thanks very much.

Oh, God, they're
absolutely beautiful.

Brandy,
take care of them.

Very nice.

♪ A little lovin'
from the oven ♪
(SNICKERS)

Couscous for everyone.

Wow. Did you make that?

Mmm-hmm.

Excuse me,
what did you just say?

Well, making, buying...

It's all a very thin line.
CHAZ: (LAUGHING) Oh, my God!

I don't believe it.

You know what's
a very thin line

is your outfit.
A thin line between

late Cher and early
Howard Keel.

Mmm, mmm.

CHAZ: Eat up, 'cause
where we're going,

you get in before 10:00,
you get a decent place
on the dance floor,

and boys get in free.

BRANDON: Did you bring
your dancing shoes?

CHAZ: Can you dance
with your shirt off,
'cause that happens

where we're going.
(LAUGHING)

BRANDON: Are your
nipples pierced?

Do you have a "mom" tattoo
on your ass?
CHAZ: Are you waxed?

(BRANDON AND CHAZ LAUGH)

CHAZ: You know what,
you're not exactly
a muscle Mary,

but somehow I think
you're gonna cut it.

WEATHER MAN: Rain being
included in tonight...

I'll go see what
lover boy's doing.

You can talk about me
when I'm gone.

We will.

(WHISPERING) A lot.

MAN 1: (ON TV) ...our guest
tonight for the...
MAN 2: ...spray once a day,

relieves nasal allergy
symptoms...

You want an Advil?

How'd you know?

The couscous.

It was the couscous...

I'll be right back.
Thanks.

WOMAN: (ON TV)
...averaging more experience

and more sales than
other real estate agents.

Remax can help you find the...

Oh, God, I love this one.

It's brilliant.

I mean, the tartan's for shit.
(CHUCKLES)

What's wrong
with the tartan?

Oh, phew...

Scottish thing.
But, I mean,

from concept to execution,
it's just sublime.

There you go, sweetie. Okay.
Thank you.

MAN: (ON TV) ...dot com.

Your home base
for everything,

from fast searches
to one-stop shopping.

Get whatever it is
in the world you want.

Just an ad.

Oh, now, don't be modest.

I know you won
a Gold Pencil for this.

How do you know that?

Well, I've got a day job
as well, you know.

What do you do?

Work in the dreaded
world of advertising.

Oh, really?

Oh, really. (LAUGHS)

What firm?

Baker-Bohanen.

Oh, my God.
You're Chaz Whatley.

Oh, look. Baby's famous.

Don't even go there.

You've been that
Chaz Whatley...

All this time?

Wait a second. You didn't get
the Dr. Diggity account,
did you?

Oh, my God. Nelson,
just let it go.

Cherry doesn't care
about things like that.

(SCOFFS) Oh, really?

Cherry doesn't care
about things like that.

I bet Chaz cares
about things like that.

Or do you two not talk
to each other?

(LAUGHS)

I know Nelson cares
about things like that.

She should have told me.

(PHONE RINGS)

This is...
(CONTINUES RINGING)

This is awkward. I mean,
if I'd known who you were,

I wouldn't have...

Hello?
What?

You would have worn a dress?

Don't think so.

You would have been
especially nice to me?

Yeah, something like that.

(LAUGHS) Thanks very much!

Shh.

SARA: He's not here right now.

I said, he's not here
right now.

Why are you calling here?

How long have you
been doing this?

How long have you
been calling here?

I asked...

I can't... I can't talk.

I can't talk right now.

I said I can't
talk to you right now.

(BEEPS)

Is everything okay?

Ten guesses who that was.

Oh, shit.

So...

How long has it been going on?

It's not what you think.
How long have you been
talking to her

behind my back?
Sweetheart, do you really
want to talk about this now?

No. I'm sorry.

Guys,
I don't think I'm gonna go
dancing tonight.

I feel so tired.
No.

Come on, sweetheart,
come on.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

What was that all about?

She gets migraines,
you know.

Terrible headaches.

No, the phone call.

Who was that?

Her sister.

It's a long story, and I am
not going to tell it.

Hey!

I'm sorry
about what...

What happened down there.
That's okay.

Gives me a little boost
to know that
you're not perfect.

(CHUCKLES)

Feeling better?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Chaz told me it was
your sister on the phone.

Why does it upset you so much?

Remember talking about
getting naked? (CHUCKLES)

Naked with Sara Deever.
I think that's a good time

for that right now. Come on.

Don't dodge me. Talk to me.
Come. No.

Come on. Come get naked
with me.
What happened?

That's not fair.

You expect me to be
so honest,

so forthcoming.

I do.

Because it's your month,
Nelson.

Not mine.

Come on, you don't
want to hear about

stupid family stuff.

Don't be mad.

Please.

Please.

Please.

You're not feeling well,
are you?

Maybe tomorrow
we'll get naked.

And tonight,

we'll wear PJs.

(LAUGHS)

NELSON: Every woman I know
spends $200 on a haircut.

You use a vacuum cleaner.

Quit trying
to change the subject.

You made a commitment,
Nelson.

Our time isn't over.

It's one meeting.

Why is going to some pow-wow

with this slicko guy Vince
such a big deal?

Because it's probably
the chance of a lifetime,

that's why.

Well, if it's
a whole lifetime,

why don't you just postpone it
for one more week.

Sara, when Edgar Price
says he'll meet you,

you don't say, "Wait,
how about next month?"

You say, "Thank you.
I'll be there."

He's one of the greats.

Where's my phone?

I hate it.

SARA: Nelson!

Nelson!

Damn it!

VINCE: We can take
anything and just...

Sell it, make it work.
Exactly.

I mean, we've done
very well with, uh,

Pelican Beer.
Actually, I'm sure
you're aware of the ad...

No, I wasn't.

It just actually won
the Ad Age award for that...
Oh, did you?

I think that was
last year's spot.

So, we have a symbiosis,
the two of us, as a team...

We know a lot of guys

who do this for the awards,
Mr. Price.

Yeah, but that's not to say
that we don't get the awards.

But still...

We're not about the acclaim.

Hand-holding
and dinners, or...

Sending prostitutes
to the client.

Prostitutes?

Who, uh, who sends
prostitutes?

Who doesn't?

We're about the work.

If the work is great,

it speaks for itself.

That's all I need to know.

But are you married?
Any kids?

Oh, no, we've avoided
the family thing

for quite some time.

Uh, you know.
Most of our lives.

Good. Because if you're
worried about

quality of life
or paternity leave

or any of that other
New Age crap,

much as I like you,
we can stop right here.

I want to be your
full-time commitment.

I can do that.

(SIGHS) We still had a whole
two weeks to go, you know?

What's two weeks?

You're gonna kick him out
in the end anyway. Good shot.

Thanks.

You know what
I should have done?

I should have
locked him in there.

I should have
tied him to the bed,

that's what
I should have done.

You mean, you didn't?

Wouldn't have stopped him.

You know, you can't
force people

to do things they
don't want to do.

That's the whole point
of this thing, isn't it?

Besides, I know guys
like Nelson.

You might have bitten off
more than you can chew
this time.

Oh!

That's what I like about him.

It's also what scares
the living hell out of me.

VINCE: Yeah,
just so you know,

um, we've got a couple
of great clients

in our hip pockets,
plus some leads
on some new accounts.

So we come to you
fully loaded.

You're not selling me
a car, Holland.

And frankly, I'm not overly
impressed with you anyway,

but your reputation
precedes you.

And if I have
to take him to get you,

I will.

So, here's my offer.

It's good as long
as we're at this table.

Ow!
(CLATTERING)

Oh, my, I'm so...

Sorry.
Excuse me.

That's okay.

Stop it.

You know, sweetie...

We are what we do
in this world,

and you're a waitress.

All that requires
is that you bring the food

and the drink
to and from the table

without making a mess.

That's it.

So, when you screw up

something as incredibly
simple as that,

it doesn't say a whole
hell of a lot about you,
does it?

I'm... I'm sorry.

If you gave her
a penny for her thoughts,

you'd get change.

They ought to fire her.

I always say, a bad hire

strengthens
the competition's hand.

A good general
feeds off his enemy.

Actually Sun Tzu
said that last line

in The Art of War.

You're right, Nelson.

You're very smart.

Nelson...

Take a look, buddy.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Not interested.

You don't like my offer?

It's not the offer
I don't like.

(SIGHS) It's you.

(SCOFFS)

Nelson, wait... Nelson!

You know what, I'm...
This is not...

I hope you can afford this.

Uh...

Shit.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

What the hell
is wrong with you?

You just shit in God's face.
Do you realize that?

If that's your God,
you're in big trouble.

The guy's not for me.

He's not for you?
Well, he is you, man!

You're cloned
from the same DNA.
What're you

talking about?
I am nothing like that man.

If I am, shoot me!
Well, where's the gun?
Shoot me!

This is my career, too,
Nelson!

You just blew it
in there!

What is going on, man?

I know, I know what it is.
It's the girl, isn't it?

Your mystery date.
The new mystery woman.

What's her name?

What's her...
Don't ignore me, Nelson!

What's her name?

Sara.

Don't you see
what's happening, man?

She has got
your balls in a jar,

and you don't even...
I'm your friend.

I wouldn't lie to you.
That's what's happening.

You blew it in there,
Nelson.
Vince...

I'm sorry I cost you--
I don't need your...

I don't need
your pity, Nelson!
You blew it!

You're a loser, Nelson!

Loser!

Fine. I don't
need you, Nelson!

Have you ever heard

of a Falenopsis
sanderiane?

It reminded me of you.

You got the job,
didn't you?

Best offer anyone
ever made me.

So when do you start?

We had a little problem
agreeing on that.

He suggested immediately.

I suggested...

Never.

Never?

Never.

(ENYA SINGING "ONLY TIME")

Come on. Let's keep Ernie.

No.

He found a home.
He's got to go.

But you love
this little monster.

Soon, I'll have another
little monster,

and I'll love him.

Cold, heartless woman.

Oh...

What about vegan turkey

stuffed with tofu
and cranberries?

Hmm?

Ordering sounds better.

We're not ordering
thanksgiving dinner.

It's the one time in life
that it's good to be trad.

In that case,

are you inviting
your family?

No.

Holiday fights are a little
too traditional for my taste,

if you know what I mean.

What do you fight about?

Everything.

Religion, money, sex.

(SIGHS) Sara's decision.

Sara's unconventional ways.

Sara's lifestyle.

They think I'm a freak.

You are a freak.

(WATER RUNNING)

Anyway, boring subject.

I'm sure they miss you.

I know they do.

You know, there's a good
tradition called "making up."

You could try it.

Yeah.

Someday I'll
have to do that.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(ERNIE WHINES)

(BARKING)

You mind
walking him down?

Sure.

Thanks.

Come on, boy.

Say goodbye to Sara.

(WHINES)
Bye.

Hey!

Come on, puppy.

(ERNIE WHINES)

There.

Thanks.
Yeah, sure.

See you, Ernie.
(WHINES)

Hey.

Why can't she just
keep one for a change?

I guess she helps
more this way.

I been thinking.

Oh, yeah?

If you want to adopt me,
you can.

I mean...

Father-son day's on Monday.

It would be good timing.

I don't quite know
what to say, Abner.

I'll tell you what.

I can't adopt you, but...

I'll come with you
to father-son day
if you want.

Promise?
Promise.

Wait till my mom hears!

OSIRIS: Dear heart,
a little bit...

Yeah, up a little.

No, no,
that's too high.

Okay, here's
another bag for you.

(GASPS IN PAIN)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

(DOOR OPENS)

NELSON: Sara?
(DOOR CLOSES)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

I have an announcement
to make.

What's wrong?

Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.

What do you keep in there?

Nothing.

Nothing usually
doesn't require a lock.

What's wrong?

So...

What's
the big announcement?

Don't do the dodge.

Am I okay?

No, I'm not okay.

I miss Ernie.

And I've got a migraine.

So...

What's your big announcement?

Marry me.

What?

Will you marry me?

Sara, I stood on the street...

And I realized...

This is it.

Life will never be better...

Or sweeter than this.

I'm happy.

I'm in love.

Marry me.

That's incredibly sweet.

But you don't understand.

No. Yes, I do.
It all makes sense.

I want you.

I want this life.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

(RINGING)

(RINGING GOES OFF)

Marry me.
(GASPS)

Marry me, Sara.

I can't.

Why not?

Because of me.

What about you?

For God's sake, Sara,
please, just...

Just tell me what's wrong.

Tell me the truth.

(SOBBING) I can't.

Sara?
(SARA WEEPS)

Sara.

(SARA MOANS)

Sara?
(SARA GROANS)

(GROANING)

Jesus.
No.

Sara.
I'm fine.

No. Ugh! I'm fine.

I'm fine. I'm fine.
What the hell's goin' on?

No, Nelson.

Nelson!

No! Nelson, no!

No.

Is this what you
wanted to see?

(SOBBING) Is it?

Is this enough
truth for you?

Does this make you happy?

Goddamn you!
Sara!

You couldn't leave it alone!
You couldn't leave it alone,

alone, could you?
Sara, stop.

Couldn't leave it...

Just leave it alone!

Shh.

Sara!

Sara?

Sara. Sara?

(MONITOR BEEPING)

CHAZ: It's Non-Hodgkin's
lymphoma.

It's a type of cancer.

You shouldn't have to
find out like this.

I'm sorry, Nelson.

Look, she's gonna
be asleep for hours.

You want to go
for a walk,

have a chat or something?

Yeah.
Yeah? Okay.

You said she stopped her
treatments a year ago?

What about the pills?

Ah. That just gets her
through the day.

She's still trying
to beat it, you know.

She did it all
for a year.

No, nothin' worked.

Well, look,
I'm no doctor, but...

One year unchecked...

Wouldn't that...
Yeah.

It's spread everywhere.

How could she
get involved with me

and not tell me
she was sick?

(SCOFFS)

I mean, what
was she thinking?

She was thinking

you'd be the same
as all the others.

She'd dumped me
after a month.

You got to understand
something, Nelson.

She's completely powerless.

But these rules,
you know, they...

They give her the illusion,

and dignity, of control.

It's kept her alive.

The rift with her family.
That's what
it's about, then.

These rules.

Yeah.

They couldn't handle it,
her family.

They wouldn't let go,
you know.

They kept tryin'
to run her disease.

So she took off.

And came here.

(CHUCKLES)

She told me

if she couldn't
live a normal life,

she was determined
to live an abnormal one

the best way she could.

I don't get it.

I, uh...

She loves life
more than...

Anyone I've ever met.

How can she
just give up?

Are you listening
to anything I'm tellin' you?

She's not givin' up.

She's making the most
of the time she's got left.

Don't mess with that.

(WHISPERING)
I'm sorry.

I didn't want you
to see any of this.

I wanted you

to know me

living life. You know?

Come here.

Will you do
something for me?

(SHAKY SIGH)

Anything.

Will you get me
out of here?

Take me home?

Okay.
Mmm...

Hey...

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)
Jesus.

(DOOR OPENS)

They're here.

Hey, darlin'.

Hey, sweetie.

They told us
you were sick.
You look fabulous.

Oh, this is just a lie.

Okay. You look great.

Let me take you.
Do you want a nice
warm bath? Huh?

Come on, sweetie.
We'll run you a bath.

And what's
on the menu tonight?

Oh, we have
a lovely appetizer.

Some nice codeine. Hmm?

Codeine? What
else do we have?

A little Donnatal.
CHAZ: Donnatal.
That's your favorite.

(SARA CHUCKLES)
BRANDON: Come on, girl.

Let's get you in here.

Okay. Sit.

Nice and easy.

Sara.

I know doctors I can call.

No doctors.

I'm gonna be
fine, Nelson.

Lift your arm.
But you can't be here.

I don't want you here.

You can't see this.

Please. (SOBS)

Go.
CHAZ: Okay.

Okay, okay. He's going.

I can't stand by
and do nothing,

just watch her...

Die?

That's why
she wants you to go.

Go on.

(SIGHS)

Hey, Abner.

Today's not gonna be
a great play day.

I know. It's gonna be
father-son day.

Did you forget?

Oh, God, I'm sorry,
Ab. I can't.

But you promised.

ABNER: I guess I don't
have a dad.

I mean, I do...

But I don't know who he is.

So I brought Nelson.

We do stuff, and it's fun,

'cause he makes me
feel smart.

I guess I feel like

if I got into trouble,

he'd take care of me.

Kind of like
a best friend.

Just bigger.

TEACHER: Thank you, Abner.

(APPLAUSE)

I guess I'll
see you tomorrow.

I don't know, Ab.
I probably won't be
around here tomorrow.

How come?

Gotta do some thinkin',
make a tough decision.

Sara thinks you don't
respect her choices?

Something like that?

What?

I don't know.
You always see
that stuff on TV.

I think you're the coolest
kid I've ever met, Abner.

I'll see you, huh?
See ya.

Take care, huh?

(SIGHS)

(ENYA SINGING "ONLY TIME")

Shit.

You all right?

Yeah.
Yeah?

Yeah, I'm fine.
Good.

You know, I was planning on

serving the pumpkin
on the floor, so this is...

This is really good.

Oh, God, Chaz...

Please tell me
we're gonna have fun.

(BOTH SIGH)

Thanksgiving is fun, right?

It's fun. It's...

It'll be a riot.

Here. Come here.

Give us a cuddle.

Thanks.

(SMOOCHES)

I need some fun.

Mmm.

You know, he asked me
to marry him.

He's not the first.

No, but it was the first
time I wanted to say yes.
(CHUCKLES)

So why didn't you?

Because, Chaz...
(SIGHS)

I let the whole thing
go too far.

Oh, yeah?
Too far for who?

Both of us.

Anyway...

No need to talk about it.
He's gone.

Well, you did kick him out.

He'll be back if you let him.

I don't want him
to come back.

Right.

You know, it's okay to break
your own rules, Sara.

You fell in love.

That's great.

It may not be according
to your master plan,

but you can't
control everything.

Okay, just stop it.

I really don't need
this right now, Chaz.

Jesus.

There's... There's no rule

that gives me the right
to put him through

all of this...

This hell.

I don't...

(SIGHS)

It's just gonna
hurt him in the end.

It'll hurt,
whatever you do.

We all will.

Oh, but...

If I've learned anything,

it's that you should have
the people who love you

around you

as long as you possibly can.

Yeah.

AL: Yeah, a toast. Toast.

SARA: Ah.

AL: Okay.

Happy we-stole-your-land-
and-killed-your-people day.

Oh, Al!

That's a good one, Al.
I'll drink to that.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

OSIRIS: Here's to ya.

Here you go, babe.

OSIRIS: Here's to you.

Merry Christmas!

Oh...

NELSON: Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, Sara.

Well, I think
it's Thanksgiving, isn't it?

Not for you.

You shouldn't have to wait.

(CHORTLES)

Uh... Is it just me,

or has anyone else
got a sudden desire

for Chinese food?

Right on!
Yeah.

Yes. Fine.

It's good to see
you, Nelson.

Do you know
how the Chinese

celebrate Christmas...

See you, sweetie.
And Thanksgiving?

Well, at Thanksgiving,

what they do is...

Thought you'd
never get here.
Thanks.

BRANDON: Come on, let's go.

(DOOR CLOSES)

For you,

my sweet Sara,

I bring you

12 gifts of Christmas.

One!

The famous Columbo log,

the salami
that started it all.

Two,

a kaleidoscope
of a coiffure

for the barking mad
pet crusader.

Number three,

a bullwhip,

for the dizzy
dominatrix

so you can rule
your world in style

and whip me
into shape.

Four.

I present...

"Sara," a custom-made
fragrance

capturing
that special something

a woman leaves
on a man.

Nelson, this is...

Only the beginning.

Five.

Why is Harriet so hairy?

(CHUCKLING)

The definitive guide

to understanding
our transvestite friends.

(CHUCKLES)

Six.

Tiny bubbles,

for those leisurely soaks
we love so much.

Oh...

Number seven...

A hundred muni train tokens,

for the many, many

great rides of your life.

Number eight.

A collection of music
to swoon by.

Which, by the way,

happens to go very nicely
with gift number nine.

Dance classes.

Mildred's Academy of Dance,

guaranteed to get you
off my toes...

In a week.

You're sure? (CHUCKLES)

I'm positive.

Number 10.

For the gentle lady

who hates doing dishes.

A dishwasher!

(SARA SCREAMS)

Nelson,
this is too much.

It's not enough.

Number 11.

Live and in your apartment,

back by popular demand,

I give you...

Ernie!

(GASPS)
(ERNIE WHIMPERS)

No!

Hi!
(WHIMPERING)

Hi, baby.

Hi.

Oh,
I missed you.

And if this last gift
doesn't prove
how much I love you,

nothing will.

♪ Only know

♪ What I know

♪ The passing years
will show

♪ You've kept
my love so young

♪ So new

♪ And time after time

♪ You'll hear me say
that I'm

♪ So lucky

♪ To be loving

♪ You ♪

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

(WHISTLING)

(WHISTLING)
Whoo!

Every month is

November, Sara.

And I love you
every day.

Nelson, there's...

This is our month.

It never has to end.

You know that--
I surrender all attempts to

control life...

Yours or mine.

I live for one thing...

To love you,

to make you happy,

to live firmly

and joyously
in the moment.

November
is all I know...

And all
I ever wanna know.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

What are you doing?

Where are you going?

Out...

So it'll give you time to
get your stuff together...

So you can go.

Our month Is over.

Sara, I'm not leaving.

(DOOR OPENS)

Sara.

Sara!

Sara!

Sara!

Sara!

Sara, stop!

(SOBBING)

Sara!

Sara, stop running!

Sara!

Sara, please.
(SOBBING)

I'm not leaving you.

I know you love me.

I do!

I've never felt
anything like this!

I never thought
I'd have the chance,

and you gave that
to me, Nelson.

Then why
are you doing this?

Because it's starting
to happen.

I don't care!

Nelson, if you leave now,
everything we had

will be perfect forever.

Sara, life isn't perfect.

All we have is how
you'll remember me,

and I need that memory
to be strong and beautiful.

Don't you see?

If I know that I'm
remembered that way,

then I can face anything.

Anything.

God, Nelson,
you're my immortality.

I want to take care
of you, Sara.

I'm gonna be all right.

I'm going home.

They know I'm coming.

I need to do this.

It just doesn't seem--

Just like
I need to know

that you'll go on
and have a beautiful life,

the one you deserve.

I only want you.

You have me...

Forever.

Now let me go.

All right, Sara.

All right.

Close your eyes.

I love you, Nelson Moss.

I love you,
Sara Deever.

Remember me.

(INHALING)

♪ The time has come

♪ What's done is done

♪ It's time to move on

♪ To another place

♪ Another space

♪ We recircle
in some other song

♪ Don't ask why

♪ Don't ask how

♪ Still can't explain

♪ To say goodbye again

♪ Goodbye for now

♪ Till I see you again

♪ In the sunlight

♪ That's where I'll be

♪ In the moonlight

♪ Close your eyes

♪ And you will see me

♪ In the sunlight

♪ In the twilight

♪ I'll be the mornin'
and the evenin' star

♪ I will be there
with you

♪ Wherever you are

♪ I will be there
with you

♪ Wherever you are

♪ Nobody moves me

♪ I've been through this life

♪ With no place
that I can call my

♪ Own

♪ Thinkin' above me

♪ I never seem to find

♪ Anybody that can feel like

♪ Home

♪ And I try and I try

♪ And I try and I try

♪ Funny how it feels

♪ When there's nothin'
to say

♪ Trapped with

♪ My ideals

♪ I can't contain

♪ I'm wrapped
in cellophane

♪ Cellophane, cellophane

♪ I'm wrapped in cellophane

♪ Cellophane, cellophane

♪ I'm wrapped in cellophane

♪ Cellophane, cellophane

♪ And it knows my name

♪ Name, name

♪ Nobody told me

♪ Obsessive needs
were always followin' me

♪ Around

♪ And you can't ignore me

♪ And look at my face
and then tell me my place

♪ In town

♪ Then he's in
and she's in

♪ And he's in
and she in

♪ Funny how it feels

♪ When there's nothin'
to say

♪ Trapped with

♪ My ideals

♪ I can't contain

♪ I'm wrapped
in cellophane

♪ Cellophane

♪ I'm wrapped
in cellophane

♪ Cellophane

♪ I'm wrapped in cellophane

♪ Cellophane

♪ Cellophane

♪ And it knows my name

♪ Name, name, name

♪ And I try and I try
and I try

♪ And I try and I try

♪ And I try and I try
and I try

♪ And he's in
and she's in

♪ And he's in
and she's in

♪ And he's in
and she's in

♪ Funny how it feels

♪ When there's nothin'
to say

♪ I'm wrapped
in cellophane

♪ Cellophane

♪ Cellophane

♪ Cellophane

♪ Cellophane

♪ Cellophane

♪ Cellophane ♪