Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org

Doesn't it always start with a girl and the guy in a bar?

But did you ever think,

"Hey, maybe that's the wrong girl and maybe that's the wrong guy?"

Actually, you know what?

I think they're perfect for each other,

but you can't hide from who you really are

any more than the moon can hide from the sun.

I mean think about it.

If you're a selfish person you could try and duck behind a cloud or whatever,

but eventually who you are is gonna shine through.

If you're an angry person, everybody knows an angry person.

Can they hide? I don't think so.

And if you're a passionate person,

that passion's just gonna shine all over everybody.

So maybe all you gotta do is just step out of the shadows.

You never know who might see you.

You know what, fellas? I'mma tell you what it is, okay?

And it's gonna sound crazy, whatever, alright?

But it's that freaking lunar eclipse tonight.

You're sayin' that Miranda left Pete here stranded at the altar,

because the moon controls her?

You know how you say that the moon controls the tides and stuff, right?

Well, I saw this thing where it also controls your emotions.

Or perhaps she's just a bitch.

- I mean that goes without sayin'. - Not helping! Not helping.

- You're not helping. - Sorry, man.

Y... you know, you know what the worst part is?

It's... it's the looks.

You know, you... you got everyone that you know, your friends and family,

and they won't even look you in the eye anymore.

It's like you have a disease or something's wrong with you.

That's what I'm talkin' about! That, right there!

- We were lookin' at... - That, that, yeah. That's what I'm talkin' about!

Oh.

Listen, man, I'm just gonna say it.

Um, I'm... I'm sorry I... I've... I've sat on this for so long,

you can hit me afterwards.

In fact, I want you to hit me afterwards.

- Man, just go ahead and say it, please. - I deserve it.

- Slap me, kick me. - Can you just blurt it out, bro?

- I never liked her. - Yes, bingo.

- Never liked her. - Yes, sir.

The way that she treats you, the way that she talks to you, looks down on you...

- All the time. - Contradicts you, condescends you,

she drags you down, and she takes your underpants off,

and leaves you standing there naked in front of your own mates.

She's such garbage, man. I mean I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy

and I hate everybody for the most part.

Pete, you are such a beautiful, blue-eyed, redheaded woodpecker who used to fly.

- Hmm. - You're like a shadow of your former self.

Brother, she's holding you back.

Oh, my gosh! I wish I could just like go somewhere away from everyone,

but with someone who... who has no idea who I am, just s...

- You said that the, um... - (sighs)

...hotel room was paid for, right?

- Tonight, by the in-laws. - Yeah, it's paid for.

- So what? - Well, come here.

I wanna tell you somethin' real quick. Uh...

- Let's just... - I've got a good idea.

- ...see what the hell's goin' on, man. - Good idea!

Who knows? He may have an answer to somethin'.

Okay, hotel room?

Okay. Alright.

So I'm saying that you should use the hotel.

Yeah, that... that sounds great. How... how about this?

How about I go sit in a hotel room by myself on my honeymoon?

Oh, I didn't say sit, nor did I say by yourself, I said use it.

- Use it? - No.

Yes, just... just zip that.

- This guy that I know, right? - Hmm.

He knows these models, he shoots them, he's a photographer.

Sometimes these models get a little bit hard up for cash, right?

And they are willing to do whatever it takes to make ends meet, let's say.

They'll spend the night and do anythin'.

Now, you... when you say anything, now, do you mean that...

- Sex. - Okay, we... we gettin' our boy Pete a hooker?

A model.

How about this? How about no hooker for Pete?

- No hooker, model. - Tomayto, tomahto, man. Whatever.

Tomayto, tomahto. That's, mm, playin' words.

That's... that was... that was great.

I'm not talkin' of bus station skank here, my friend.

No, siree Bob. I'm talkin' about gorgeous elegant ladies of the night.

Ah, elegant. That sounds so good, don't it?

They're not cheap either. They're at least um, 13, 14, or $1,500.

- Fifteen-hundred. - You're... Yeah, that's great.

Let me... let me pull out my $1,500 here.

I don't have $1,500. Are you crazy?

Maybe I am, but you know what's crazier?

It's you standin' in this toilet on what is supposed to be the happiest day of your life.

Have a look around.

Does this look like the happiest day of your life?

- No, sir, it doesn't. - No, it doesn't. Thank you, Chucky.

Pete, I'm sorry that she didn't love you.

I am.

And you know what? We love you.

And that's why we're here. We do not want to see you hurt.

We're tryin' to fix things a little bit.

- Pete, do it for yourself... - Do it for you.

And if you don't do it for yourself, well, please do it for me.

I'm begging you.

Okay, I have like 650 from the honeymoon. That's...

- There we go. Cash. - Now, we're startin' now... - We're movin' forward.

- This is what we're talkin' about. Okay, great. - Okay.

I've got $50. So okay, 650 plus 50, that's 700.

- And I got 200 in. I got 200. - Two-hundred from Chucky.

- Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Seven.

Eight. Is that eight? Um, yeah.

So that's not exactly where we need to be, but we're definitely movin' in the right direction.

Maybe get you a discount chick or somethin'?

- Whoa, man! - What?

Have you got a coupon that you're gonna throw in or somethin'.

Maybe your mom's up for givin' him a pop?

Oh, now it's my mom, douche! Wow, we're goin' moms now? How original is that?

I'm just sayin'.

Discount chick is not the way to go.

- I get it. We won't do a discount, okay? - Do you get it?

- Why did you even bring it up? - Dude, no discount.

- There's no discount. - Yeah. - Okay.

- No discount. - Guys, I... - Jeez.

...appreciate it, but, uh, we're like what?

That's probably $700 short, so barring a miracle, it's not gonna happen.

Thank you very much.

Hmm, we do need a miracle.

True, true.

Hello?

Uh, hello?

We could totally sell the tuxes, resell 'em.

We paid like 200 bucks for 'em, right?

No, we... we... we rented the tuxes.

We... we don't own the tuxes. You have to take that tux back.

Dude, where's your jacket?

- Don't worry. Oh. - Don't worry. Love.

Mad love all day, every day.

- Love. - Love.

- Yep. - Well.

I don't know why I love you, but...

- Uh, deuces. - No, no, no, no, no. - What?

You ain't goin' nowhere, mate. No, no, no, you're staying with us today.

- Yeah. - No, no. I'm gonna turn that frown upside down.

Well, that is peculiar.

That's right in time, innit?

And talk about bein' tardy.

Last one in first one out.

Yeah, well, thank you for bringin' that up again, no one's here, so...

- Um, sorry. - Well, okay.

- Hey, Mr. Johnson. - Hey, Pete.

Look at you, you look terrific.

Hey, you... you better get in that church or you're gonna miss your own wedding.

Uh, yeah, I... I think it's... it's probably over.

Oh, I... I... I got you a present.

Uh, it's just a picture frame that says family on it.

Maybe now you should return it

and use the money to buy yourself something that you really want.

Now, don't go buying anything crazy.

- Okay, thank you, again. - You boys, behave yourselves.

Alright, thank you, Mr. Johnson.

What are you doin'? Just... No, go ahead and open my present, right.

- What are you doin'? - I'm looking for something.

It's a picture frame. Um...

A miracle.

Come on. Yo, yo, yo, yo!

. Present.

Stop it.

♪ Knowing sounds so simple ♪

♪ So easy like the breeze ♪

♪ Pull out the ends of ♪

♪ The tie that binds ♪

♪ Tuggin' and loosen ♪

13, 14, $1,500.

16, 17, 1,800 smackeroonies!

Woo-hoo, whoo!

There's a, uh, a lot of money there.

- Pete. - Yeah.

Known you for a long time, mate.

You're havin' second thoughts.

- I'm... I'm... I'm good. I'm... - Yes, you are. - I'm not.

- You're overthinkin' it. - Mm-mm.

Man, do not think, okay?

Nothing goods comes out of people thinking, alright?

- Please. - Listen, you deserve this.

You, my friend, are worth every single red cent of this after what she put you through today.

Today has been awesome.

I think I've even seen you smile a couple of times.

- Did you seen him smile? - I saws a plenty of enamel.

At least a couple of times.

Just give me the money, please. No speeches, just give me the money.

- There you go. That's a little gift to you... - Okay.

- ...from you. - Okay, thank you.

Along with phone number from mademoiselle,

who would love to see you tonight and take care of your needs.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, my gosh, you guys are crazy. Get out of here.

- Call the number, man. - Good luck.

- No follows. - No, no.

If you don't call the number, I will go to the hotel room,

I will sneak underneath the bed to make sure you go through with it, okay?

- He'll do it, too. - Under the bed. Breakfast for three, I got it.

That's right, it can get awkward, okay?

- And not for me, for you. - Right, I got it.

Okay, I love you guys. I'm leaving!

You aren't following.

Well, we might follow if we don't see you send.

- I'm tryin' to tell you. - Oh, my gosh.

Okay, guys. Are you guys gonna shut up now? Are you gonna shut it?

We're following you unless you press send.

Oh, my gosh. Yeah, no, I'll do it right now. I'm gonna do it right now.

Press!

Oh, my gosh.

Go on, Pete, you sexy dancer!

- ♪ Put this back ♪ - ♪ I touch myself ♪

Hey, mom.

Don't... don't cry, mom.

No, keep crying, that's fine. It makes me feel awesome, thank you.

Come on, buddy. Just do it.

It's easy. Just do it. I'mma do it. Screw it.

Fuck you! I'm not good enough for you! I'm not good enough!

No!

Hang on, I'll be right... Um...

- Hi. - Hi.

- I'm Heather. - Heather.

- Ronnie sent me. - Ronnie. Ronnie.

Oh, you are Pete, right?

Hmm.

Um, Pete.

Mm-hmm-hmm, mm.

Do you want me to come in?

Mm...

- Um, you... you look really nice. - Thanks.

Um, you too, a tux, wow.

So um, let's... you know, I wanna make sure that... that...

that we're, uh, straight on this whole, uh, money thing.

It's 1,500.

- Do you... do you normally like get all the money up front or... - Up front.

Here's the thing, I... I, uh...

I'm sure you're a trustworthy person and all,

it's... it's... it's just that, you know,

if I give you all the money up front,

then you could just leave whenever you wanted to, right?

Look, it's 1,500 up front or I can leave.

So...

Okay, well, that settles that.

Thank goodness.

- What did you say? - Huh?

You said "thank goodness".

I did?

- Your friend Ronnie called me, remember? - Mm-hmm.

And now you act like you can't wait until I go.

I mean I... I come in here, and you've got chocolate-covered strawberries

and roses all over the room,

I mean that's kind of creepy by the way, like duffel bag creepy, so what?

Do you want me to stay or do you want me to go?

Uh, you think maybe we could just like hang out or something for...

No.

I...

truthfully just don't wanna be alone tonight.

So here's my offer, okay?

I will give you $700 up front

and then $100 for every hour you spend with me.

You'll give me 700 right now and then 100 each hour?

Yeah.

Sorry about the roses.

And I forgot my duffel bag, so you're gonna have to fit in my backpack.

It's funny.

Impressive.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Come on, come on, come on, man.

Um, are you okay in there?

Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

What is that?

You say you were here on business?

Uh, yeah. Uh, somethin' like that.

You sure you're okay in there?

Uh, yeah, yeah, everything's good.

You're good, buddy. You are good.

Okay.

Be a man.

Phew!

Mm. I'm sorry, they looked really good.

No, uh, are you hungry? Do you want somethin' to eat?

We can... we can get somethin' to eat.

Let's... let's get somethin' to eat, okay?

- Okay. - That'd be great.

Well, let's get somethin' to eat.

♪ I went to the river ♪

♪ Took my fishing pole ♪

♪ The fence post a standin' ♪

♪ Like soldiers in a row ♪

- Hi. - Hi. - Good evening.

We have the same haircut.

I'm Wilma and I am here to take your order.

- Oh. - Oh, sorry, there we go.

Thanks.

Tonight's special is the lunar eggs-clipse.

Oh, what's that?

It's basically a sunny-side-up egg on top of a waffle.

Oh, yeah, so I... I get it.

So like the... the egg is actually eclipsing, uh, the waffle.

There's a lunar eclipse tonight.

Ah, okay, yes.

I get it now. Yeah, that makes me... Wow.

I... I think I want the special, uh, with a glass of OJ, please.

I, uh, would not love the special,

uh, but I would... I'd like some toast, uh, no butter, please,

but I'd like apple butter on the side, coffee, and, uh, some grits,

but just have those, uh, dry with...

Do... do you wanna like write any of this down?

- Oh, no. - She's good.

- I got it. - She has it.

- Um, okay, so I'll have the eggs scrambled. - Hmm.

No cheese.

And I don't know if you can do this, but I like my bacon crispy, no... no limp bacon.

You don't need to write this down?

- No, I got it. - She got it. - I'm good.

- Yeah. - She's good.

- I'll get these. - Mm-hmm.

- And I will get your drinks. - Thank you.

Okay.

Okay, I am, uh, definitely screwed. Um...

She could surprise you, though.

- She could surprise me. - She could.

Yeah, well, you are very confident with my food.

There you go. If you need anything else, just call my name.

Thanks, Wilma.

- Thank you, Wilma. - You're welcome.

So no limp bacon, huh?

I don't like limp bacon.

Yeah, okay.

I like my bacon crispy.

I want my bacon snap... This is horrible, isn't it?

- - It just sounds horrible. - Yeah.

So, uh, uh, Heather, is that your... your real name

or is... is that like one of those sexy names that they give you?

If by "they" you mean my parents, then, yeah.

Ooh, sorry.

Why rose petals on the bed?

I mean it's almost as though it was for someone else and that I was just like a backup plan.

- Uh, what are you doing? - What? I'm just asking you a question.

Uh, no, you're interrogating me.

Alright.

Does this look crisp to you? Is that... is that crisp to you?

No, it's not crisp, is it?

You wonder why it's not crisp, Wilma?

Because you didn't write it down.

Here's a little tidbit of information.

When a customer asks you to write something down, write it down, Wilma.

Don't cry, Wilma. I'm sorry. Don't...

Don't cry.

Don't, Wilma.

- No, I.,.. I'll eat it. - He'll eat it, that's fine.

Mmm. Mmm.

You, uh...

You can just go.

I found that.

I, uh...

I was supposed to get married today.

- I'm sorry. - Oh, no, no.

It's no big deal, you know? She just left me stranded at the altar.

All that kind of fun stuff.

Maybe Wilma could tell you why she left.

Yeah, she's probably not a good person to ask right now.

No, I did that. That's not me. I, uh...

I'm no expert, but I'm gonna say that it had something to do with you being left at the altar.

You know, the craziest thing is that

you just begin to question your whole relationship, you know?

Yeah, I know.

Did you love her?

Did you love her?

That's a pause, my friend.

There are no pauses in love.

Hmm, what, uh, Lifetime movie did you just pick that line up from?

Come on.

It's just today, you know,

was supposed to be the happiest day of my life.

It's still today.

Does this technically mean we're on your honeymoon right now?

Yes, it really does.

Wow!

- It is off to a boring start... - It's...

- ...I would say. - Yeah, it's the most exciting honeymoon I've ever been on.

Amazing. Tell you what? Since you are on this honeymoon with me, uh,

I think it is only fair that you get to pick what we do next.

- Really? - Yeah, why not, right? - Oh, okay.

- Think about what you wanna do. - Okay.

And I will be back in just a second, okay?

I'm sorry.

- Hug? - Okay.

- Crock pot. Nice touch. - Thank you, thank you.

- I got you something. - No, you didn't.

I did, I swear.

- You got to close your eyes. - Uh, okay.

- Stick your hands out a little bit further. - Okay.

Awesome, perfect.

Hold it.

Open your eyes.

Oh, God! That's gross! Uh, okay.

- I think that is one hour down. - Thank you.

Have you, uh, put any thought to what you wanna do next for this honeymoon?

Might have a little somethin' in mind.

- Better than this place? - It's better.

Alright, alright, ladies and gentlemen, welcome tonight.

Let's get this show rollin' or should I say bowlin'?

Ho-ho! No, he didn't, he did.

- Perfect form. - Oh!

- Magic, yes. - Whoo!

- You know what I just realized? - What?

- I... I really like bowling. - Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, you know? I haven't done this in forever.

- Why? - Uh, Miranda, she hated it.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, she said that any game that had the word gutter in it,

uh, must be for gutter people.

Wow! She just... she just sounds so delightful.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- Who doesn't like bowling? - Uh, Miranda.

If these are gutter people, then they're my kind of people, you know?

And who says gutter people?

Uh, yeah, again, that would be Miranda.

But, uh, hey, looks like I'm your people.

We'll see. We'll see.

♪ I was curled on the couch ♪

♪ A burnin' rage ♪

♪ Undercover ♪

♪ And unexplained ♪

♪ My blood boiling ♪

♪ Crushing the will ♪

♪ Gotta learn the rules ♪

♪ To break 'em right ♪

We're gonna slow things down right about now.

This song's for all the lovers, it should be right up their alley.

Okay, now, I get to decide what we do next.

No, I... I thought I was making the decisions.

No, you are not making the decisions.

- You told me, yeah. - No, the honeymoon power reverts back to me.

You can't revert the power.

I'm sorry, it's already done, there's nothing we can do about it.

It's over, but you're gonna love it.

I don't know. You picked out the diner.

- It was, mm. - I did not pick out the diner.

- You... you chose the diner. - No, that was all you.

No, uh, I thought it was a mutual thing.

- No. - Alright, that's fine.

- I, you know, I take responsibility for the diner. - Okay.

That's fine, but this you're gonna love.

Do you trust me?

Give me your hand, girl? Get on uphill.

Okay.

You know what one of my favorite things about bowling is?

Uh, balls?

- The floor? - Shoes.

The shoes?

Look at 'em, they're pretty kick-ass, huh?

They are pretty kick-ass actually, yes.

You know what? We're gonna take these shoes.

- What? - Yeah, they've got a million pair,

they're never gonna notice.

No, I'm not gonna take the shoes.

What? What do you care? You came in tux shoes.

It's like trading one rental for the next.

So are you ready to live on the wild side, Ponyboy?

- Did you just do an Outsiders reference to me? - Mm-hmm.

Are you gonna be a Greaser or a Soc?

You know what?

- I'm gonna be a Greaser? - Yeah, you are.

Okay, now, I'm gonna distract him while you go and get my shoes.

What? No! No, no, no, no, no.

That is... that's not part of the bargain.

Yeah, I need my shoes. Those are my favorite shoes!

Oh, I hate that.

Please, please, be my hero, Ponyboy.

- Uh, just... just... - Please!

Whatever. Don't call me Ponyboy again, please.

77 goes in.

177, alright.

- Hey there, handsome. - Hey there, beautiful.

- How you doin' tonight? - Oh, good.

- Havin' a good time? - Yeah.

- I saw you over there sprayin' and... - You did?

- You're... you're really good. - Yeah, well, uh, thank you.

You know, a lot of people don't notice that,

but I appreciate it when beautiful women like yourself do notice that.

Uh, can I spray one?

Well, how about this?

How about you watch me do it first and then I'll let you do it?

Here it is.

Alright, you ready? So you pick the shoe, you get the shoe.

You get... You go 1, 2... 3, 3. You know what I'm sayin'?

You go right in there, lift and pow! That's a quick job.

Hang on. You know what?

I don't usually let people do this.

- Go on ahead. - Whoo!

Yeah, give it a shot. Now, you hold it and that's the business in.

And you take this here shoe.

Yeah, alright, maybe... maybe a little closer.

Alright, yeah, that's good.

Okay. Oh, now, you're gonna... a lot... Hey, don't spray it in there.

Now, you're just bein' a jerk. Okay!

- Thanks for, uh, yeah. - Oh, hey, yo!

- Hey, okay! - I have your mic.

- Alright, that... - This thing on?

- Ma'am, do not, please... - Thompson lane 6 is now open.

- No. - Thompson, no.

- No, it's not. - No, no.

- No. - Yeah. Yo! Whoo! - Yeah, give me my...

- Thompson. - No, ma'am, please... - You can come on up.

- No, just... - To the booth.

- Just give me my mic, ma'am. - Your lane is open. Oof.

- There is no... - I have a song for you.

I don't wanna hear a song, ma'am.

♪ How deep is your love ♪

♪ How deep is your love ♪

- Ma'am, I need you to get down. - Oh, whoo!

- I need you to... - Y'all have been great!

- No. - Thank you, good night and God bless.

- I need you to get down. - Whoo!

Okay. Alright.

Thank you for coming.

He has no clue that we took those.

That is like amazing. You earned every penny of this.

- Thank you very much. - You are welcome very much.

Unfortunately, you gotta go back in there and apologize to him.

- No, I'm not going back in there. - Yes, get back in there!

- I apologized to Wilma! - Okay, you have a toaster in your trunk?

- I'll give him a toaster. - I do have a toaster, actually.

You want me to go get it? I'll get it.

- I'm not going back in there! - Ow! What?

What is wrong with you? Why did you just punch me?

- That was pretty good, huh? - Yeah, that's pretty good.

- That's great, yeah. - Yeah, uh-huh-huh, uh.

Ow! Stop, I'm bruised! I'm a little injured, okay.

Hey, you wanna learn how to fight?

I sure don't wanna learn how to fight.

I know a place.

No, are you're like a member of an underground fight club or something like that?

Oh. Come on.

Wait, are you really a member of an underground fight club?

- Hey, Brookes! - Hey, how you doin'?

It's alright, go on.

Check out this room.

Oh, yeah.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Oh, my God. That was pretty something.

Whoo!

Yeah.

See? I told you this place was really nice.

Why are you wearing that ridiculous hat?

'Cause I don't want anyone to see me.

So look, I wait in the foyer outside, you go inside,

make sure the coast is clear, and then come and get me when you're done, alright?

Okay.

Hello, Mr. Turner!

Um, hi, Mr. Turner, hi.

- Hi! - I didn't expect to see you here.

I heard about what happened.

Just a little spat. Yeah, we're... we're working things out.

Well, I just talked to Mr. Kinnebrew.

And he said that it didn't go well.

Um, as a matter of fact, he should be on his way here now.

Mr. Kinnebrew is coming here? Now? Great.

That's good. Good old da... dad's comin'.

- I think I better call her. - No, no, no, she's here.

- She's here, she's here. - Mrs. Kinnebrew is here?

Yeah, she's just in the... the... uh... uh, reception uh, hall.

- Well, I'd... - She's there, but you... - ...love to tell her hello.

No, you don't have to, it's fine, it's good.

- No, really! - It's good. You don't... it's fine.

- Uh. - Uh, listen, I... I appreciate what you're doing here, but...

We're kinda workin' things out together.

And thank you so much.

You're a lovely person, love your outfit.

- Okay. - Love your location, bye-bye.

- Uh, okay. - Thank you so much.

Is it as magical as you thought it'd be?

Yeah, it's beautiful.

Yeah, it's somethin' else, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's not always that perfect, is it?

No, it's not.

Perfect is boring anyway, you know?

You know what isn't boring?

Dancing.

Stop staring.

Let's dance, come on.

- ♪ Dance with me ♪ - Wish me luck.

- ♪ Dance with me ♪ - It's totally embarrassing.

Okay, tell... tell... oh, tell me.

It was the theme song from Titanic.

- As I told you it was horrible. - That was your choice, huh?

Clearly, clearly.

We need to go.

Okay, but not before I try a piece of your cake.

Mmm, oh.

I... I'm... I'm good, thank you very much.

- Okay. - We can go. I... I...

Oh.

Isn't that good?

That is delightful.

- That is delicious. - I know.

We are takin' a couple pieces for the road, okay?

Okay.

- Well, this one's for you. - Thanks.

I'm gonna take this all.

Oh, can you hold mine?

I'm gonna... I'm gonna go run to the loo, okay?

Be right back.

Okay, I'll be holdin' your cake.

Good cake, huh?

You know, I don't know what you're doin' here

and frankly, I don't care,

but you're probably thinking you're gonna see Miranda, try to get her back,

that's not gonna happen.

I told her, right from the beginning,

that you were no good, but you know how bullheaded she is.

Some people are meant to fly.

My Miranda is meant to fly.

And the sooner you learn that, the sooner you go on with your life.

But I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand by and watch you pull her down with you in the gutter.

Enjoy that cake, I paid for it.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hi.

My name is Yvette Chastain.

- Okay. - I am... I'm with Walton Estates.

I'm so sorry that the restroom's temporarily out of service for remodeling.

Remodeling?

We have this place rented for a wedding tonight.

Well, heh, they told me that it was canceled and to go ahead with the work order.

I'm so... I'm so sorry, but you know there is a Porta Potty outside for your convenience.

I've never used a Porta Potty in my life!

- Oh, I'm so sorry. - Okay, thank you very much.

What are we doin' here?

You father-in-law's a dick. Agreed.

Well, what... what are we doin' here?

I have an idea, come with me.

Hey, what the hell are you doin'? Leave me alone!

- - You're crazy! - Come here. I need you.

I'm not doing that.

- What was that for? - It's a diversion tactic.

- Did it work? - Okay.

Okay, stop, stop! What... what are you doin'?

Alright, come on.

I'm just tyrin' to pee here.

I got it in the mouth.

You are like insane, like certifiable.

I am only as good as my accomplice.

I mean he is gonna have to like boil his skin off, right?

♪ I'm feelin' crazy ♪

Wait, hold up, who taught you how to sing?

Hey, listen, I used to write songs and sing 'em all the time.

- I mean you're with a pro here. - You used to write.

- Why'd you stop? - Oh, give you one guess.

Oh, Miranda.

Yeah, I used to have like practice with my headphones on,

"You're being too loud, Pete."

Ugh, there is not enough Porta-Potties for this family.

No.

- Oh, do you miss it? - What, the singing?

Yeah. I'm playing like every day, yeah.

Hmm.

What are you thinkin'?

♪ I'm fallin' on the ground ♪

♪ I'm fallin' on the ground ♪

- I cannot do this. - Yes, you can.

It's gonna be fun.

I... I... I'm seriously havin' a panic attack right now.

You'll be fine. You're gonna go up there and I'm gonna do like "Gangsta's Paradise"...

- Oh, yeah. - ...right after you. - Right, sure.

- I promise. - Oh, my gosh.

- No, it can't be that bad. - Yes, it can be that bad.

♪ I'm fallin' on the ♪

That's called "I'm Falling on the Ground" and I just wrote it.

Alright, that's great. Let's keep this thing going.

Apparently, there's another brave soul in the room tonight.

He's written an original song as well.

Give it up for Mr. Pete Turner. Alright, Pete, let's go.

Whoo! Go, Pete!

Alright uh, since we are, uh, making up, uh, songs up here,

um, alright, I'll make this up.

Just whatever.

♪ I don't think That I owe you nothin' at all ♪

♪ I don't think That I owe you nothin' at all ♪

♪ I don't think that I owe you ♪

- ♪ Nothin' at all ♪ - Go, Pete! Ow!

Okay, hold up. Okay, hold a sec.

Uh, alright, guys, you're in for a rare treat tonight,

because in our midst

is the country's best female freestyle rapper.

You know who you are. Don't turn away.

Heather, come on up here.

I... I'm up here. There she is.

Turn around..

You just finish what I say, okay?

You ready? Here we go, 1, 2, 3, 4.

- ♪ The other day I was walkin' down the ♪ - ♪ Street ♪

- ♪ Saw a pretty girl That I like to ♪ - ♪ Meet ♪

- ♪ She said, hello, my name is ♪ - ♪ Heather ♪

- ♪ The sun is shinin', I'm loving this ♪ - ♪ Weather ♪

- ♪ Took the girl by her ♪ - ♪ Hand ♪

- ♪ Said, It's time to under ♪ - ♪ Stand ♪

♪ It's all about laughing And having fun ♪

♪ This girl brings it out In everyone ♪

Yeah.

That's good, baby. You know, okay.

Alright, let's go with the band, here we go.

♪ I don't think That I owe you nothin' at all ♪

♪ Suck it, Miranda ♪

Okay.

♪ I don't think That I owe you nothin' at all ♪

♪ Suck it, Miranda ♪

♪ I don't think That I owe you nothin' at ♪

- ♪ Suck it, Miranda ♪ - ♪ Suck it, Miranda ♪

♪ I don't think That I owe you nothin' at ♪

- ♪ Suck it, Miranda ♪ - ♪ Suck it, Miranda ♪

- ♪ Suck it, Miranda ♪ - ♪ Suck it, Miranda ♪

- ♪ Suck it, Miranda ♪ - ♪ Suck it, Miranda ♪

Whoo!

Pete Turner, whoo! Take a bow, baby.

Yeah, thank you.

Whoo!

- Whoo, that was amazing. - Yes.

I think we could start our own band.

- How are you feeling? - You know what?

I actually feel like I might... might be high right now.

pretty awesome. I... you know what?

And I wanted to seriously thank you for making me do that, cause...

- I was petrified. - You're welcome.

Is that... Do you... It seems like you wanna say something else.

No, uh, I... Are you... You gonna say anything else?

Oh, well, while we're thinking of, um, what to say, I'm gonna

go to the bathroom.

Um, you watch my stuff?

- Sure. - Okay.

Hey, hope everything comes out okay..

I hate everything about you right now.

Jenny, it's cousin Ronnie here.

Just checkin' in on our Petey, the woody woodpecker,

making sure he's doin' alright, the poor fella.

Told you he's harmless, doesn't really have it in him, so you're safe.

You get a little money, he feels good about himself, win-win situation.

Anyway, if you need anythin' give us a shout. Bye.

- Were you texting? - Uh... - Who're you texting?

No, it's... it was a... a telemarketer.

- Again? - Yeah.

Whoo!

Oh, my gosh, you feel that?

Alright, I don't know if it's the moon or if it's me or what,

but I... I can tell you, I'm one horny bastard right now.

What?

I think you should get all your stuff, get together,

we should go back to the hotel, and just get our freak on.

That's what it's about, right?

Come on, let's go. Grab... grab your stuff.

Don't wait.

You are you being so weird.

Hey, come on.

- Maybe we should you know... - Do what? What? What?

Like bump uglies like sea otters, is that what you wanna do?

I mean that is what I'm paying you for, right?

Let's just do it here, I mean no one's around, right?

This is a perfect spot. I mean look at you, baby.

You're so hot, so sexy.

We could do a little role play maybe, you know?

Maybe you could call me uh, Big Red.

What could I call you, though? What would that be?

How about Jenny?

It's... it is Jenny, right? There's a Jenny, Jenny, Heather, I don't really remember.

You're... you are such a jerk.

I'm... I'm a jerk, that's right. I'm the jerk, right?

I'm the one takin' advantage of someone on their wedding day,

it's not your fault, though, it's not Ronnie's fault, right? It's... it's my fault.

Uh, continue to go ahead and just steal all my money.

No. We didn't do any stealing.

There was no stealing there. Ronnie did this because he loves you,

I needed money for school, and he was going to pay you back.

- Right, he's gonna pay me back! - He was gonna pay you back!

Pete the charity case, "We're gonna pay you back."

We got you covered, buddy. That's okay.

Uh, don't worry, though, 'cause Pete won't do anything, right?

He's too "sweet" a guy. He don't have it in him, but...

Are you seriously upset that I'm not a hooker?

At least with a hooker, I know that I'm not gonna know her real name,

we're not gonna be friends, and at the end of the night, I'm never gonna see her again.

Actually, you know what? You've done a pretty damn good job.

Enjoy the eclipse.

Wait.

Wait.

- Hey, wait up! - Freaking turd. Turd!

Are you really about to leave me right now?

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

Then why did you just answer me?

- You got your money, you can go! - I'm not gonna go.

- You go. - I'm... I'm going.

- Uh, how can I go with you there? - Go ahead. You can go.

I'm going!

- You stop the car now! - I'm not stopping the car! Oh, what's wrong?

Pete, can you just take this money? I don't really feel safe around here. Just...

Oh, you don't feel safe, so you give me the money that way I'll get killed

or mugged or whatever. So sweet of you. That's great.

Hey, also make sure when you don't feel safe that you keep saying,

"Here, take the money, take the money, take the money!" That's awesome.

So you're gonna take the money. There you go.

Thank you very much. It's been a great night.

Actually, you know what? No.

Uh, why did you come here tonight, huh?

I know Ronnie sent you on some kind of a little rescue mission

or... or somethin' like that,

but I'm tryin' to figure out what kind of sick sadistic person

preys on someone else's emotions.

You know, especially someone they don't know.

Just... just tryin' to piece that together.

I don't know, okay?

I don't know why I came here tonight.

I... I thought it would be harmless

- and maybe just a little... - "Just a little"... A little what?

- It would be fun! - Fun?

Yeah, I'm having fun. How about you?

- Yeah, a blast. - A blast, okay, great, yup.

Oh.

- Pete. - Hey, so when you're not, uh, crushing men's souls

or hooking, uh, what do you do for a day job?

I work at a bank.

- What's that? - I work at a bank.

What?

Oh, I... I'm just laughing, 'cause you... you do take people's money for a living.

Wow!

As the night goes on, you just get more and more charming. Don't you?

- Oh, oh, thank you, bank teller. - Stop it.

- What's that, bank teller? Is it? - It's Jen.

Oh, Jen bank teller? Or Heather bank teller?

- I... - Wait.

- What's that noise? - Uh, I don't hear anything.

Okay, now, I do hear something.

Ranchera music?

- Hello. - Hi.

- Hey there. - Sorry.

Uh, my name is Pete. Anyone speak English?

English anyone? Nothing? Okay.

Uh, this is... is Jenny. Uh...

She's a... a liar.

Yeah, someone who doesn't tell the truth.

A fibber, a shyster.

A shyster? Am I in the mob now?

You might as well be, 'cause you lie just like a mobster.

You don't even make sense right now.

What? You think they don't lie in the mob?

They lie in the mob every day.

I've seen the Godfather, it's in there.

Uh, yeah, I've seen it, too. It's not about lying.

Well, it's not not about lying.

So anyone have any jumper cables?

Jumper cables? Jumper, jumper cables.

Oh, Gabriela, traya Maria.

Right, jumper cables.

Does she have the jumper cables?

Jumper cables.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Jump, no, no. Uh, no.

Oh, she wants to dance with you.

No, no bailar.

Go. It's... it's the birthday girl, don't let her down, Pete.

- No, oh... Oh, okay! - Ow!

Alright. Hey, hey, alright.

Yeah, okay, yeah! It's good.

Alright.

So the door flies open, the cook runs out of the kitchen,

and says, "Uh, I think we're having nachos."

Maria!

She's mine!

- Are you her lover? - No! No! No, no, no, no, no!

No lover. You can have her.

- We fight now. - Oh, my tattoo.

- I'm a lover, not a fight... Not her lover... - Fight!

Okay, I... Mm...

Oh, crap.

Oh, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Oh, oh, oh.

Okay, what are you doing?

I'm openin' the car!

- Open me! - Now, you... we... we gotta pull the handle on the same time!

Ready? One, two, three. Together!

One, two, three.

- Mother lover! - God, um, do you want me to try?

- If you think it'll start this... - Okay.

...please, come.

Ow!

Crap it.

- Hello, door, door! - Okay, 1, 2... - One, two, three.

One, two.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Uh...

- Should go. - Uh, uh, okay. - Okay.

- Phew. It should go. - Said nothing.

You are letting them get away!

I don't care, my life has ended.

If you were my friend you would kill me right now.

What are you doing, you idiot?

You told me to kill you!

If I'm gonna die, I'll die like a man!

1, 2, 3, then you run over me.

What's wrong with you?

1, 2, 3, and run over me.

On 3 or after 3?

1, 2, 3, and run over me.

This is the last time, understand?

Hello?

No, my love, forgive me. I'm on my way!

I promise. Forgive me, forgive me!

She loves me!

Of course she loves you!

She wants to go back to the house!

Whoo!

- I don't see him anymore. - Yeah.

I think we're good.

- Nice driving, by the way. - Thank you. Well, it's pretty good.

Hey, I... I guess I have to say, uh, thank you

for potentially saving my life by punching that guy also.

Come on, potentially? Come on.

I definitely saved your life.

Okay, so I owe you or am I supposed to be like your indentured servant or...

It's exactly what I need in my life, an indentured servant.

Cool.

But I will let it slide

if you can, um, forgive me for lying to you.

I forgive you.

By the way, it's nice to meet the real you.

Jenny, right?

- Hmm. - Right.

Yeah, turn right here.

I bet you never thought your day would end up like this when you woke up, huh?

I guess not. I... I mean probably right about now Miranda and I...

Hey, okay, enough with the Miranda.

It's time to get her out of your life once and for all, you know?

- What do you mean? - I... I think we should just get rid of everything in your life

that has to do with Miranda.

Um, I don't think we have anything that has anything to do with Miranda.

I could think of a few things.

Overhand or underhand, you got to make a decision.

- I'm gonna do over. - Overhand, okay.

Okay, make sure you lift... lift your leg up high.

High, oh... Uh-huh! I see what you did there.

No, it's for distance. I just want to make sure it's gonna clear the plate, alright?

- You know, baseball card. - Nice.

Is it good? No? Alright, whatever.

I like this pattern.

I can tell you you're in trouble, girl.

- Ready? - One, two, three.

- Whoo! Ow! - That just happened, people.

- That just happened... - How did it feel?

- Are you ready? - Up top. - Alright, here we go.

- It's my turn. - Okay, you pick your poison.

- I want that one. - Okay, sure.

This is for you. I'm coming at you, okay? Three, two...

♪ Wrapped in a blanket Too thin ♪

♪ Isn't it somethin' ♪

♪ How solace is holy ♪

♪ Isn't it somethin' ♪

♪ How dark it gets out here ♪

Why would a bank teller pretend to be a mistress of the night,

- a hooker, a hoebag... - Okay, oh, oh, no.

- No, hoebag's too far? - Yeah. - Is that the line?

Okay, I'm sorry.

Ronnie... Ronnie just told me what happened to you

and it's a soft spot, I guess I kinda...

Um, don't say you feel sorry for me.

I don't feel sorry for me.

I mean it sucked, right, but

I don't know I got to meet you. That has been pretty awesome.

Look, I want you to keep the money.

No, I'm not gonna keep your money.

Yes, just... just keep the money.

Look, I would pay it all over again if I could spend another night with you.

What was that? Like, oh my gosh!

It's just so sappy, and horrible,

and will you just punch me in the face right now, please?

How about that moon, huh? Look at that moon.

Let's get this show on the road.

- Oh, okay, we're layin', okay. - Oh, my gosh.

Oh, what...

I think your hair is in my mouth right now.

Oh, sorry.

You know, we've met before, right?

- What? - Mm-hmm. - Uh...

You and Ronnie came to the bank drive-through window.

You filled up the deposit container with soda

and then you sent it back up the tube to me, do you remember that?

Yeah. Yeah, that was you, huh?

Oh, so sorry.

Yeah, that was me. And you guys just drove off laughing.

I was like, "Who's this jerk that thinks he's so funny?"

Oh, uh, the reason I thought that is because I was so funny.

- No. - That's funny, that's comedy gold, you have to admit.

It's not funny.

Nice.

It'll happen any second now.

Oh, I cannot believe we missed the eclipse.

I know.

Uh, I mean this thing comes what, once every 50 years and then we miss it.

Really, 50?

No, actually, I have no idea. I totally made that up.

Uh, I'm gonna get somethin' to drink. You want somethin'?

- Yeah, get me one of those, um... - Wait, hang on, let... let me take a guess.

You're probably like what, one of those, uh, passion fruit tea girls, is that right?

You spend one night with a girl and you think you know what she wants, huh?

Um, I pretty much got you pegged.

- You think so? - Yeah, I do.

Actually, I think I pretty much got you pegged.

Okay, well, let's see who knows who best.

That's a challenge that you're gonna lose.

- Okay, we each get $5. - Okay. - Five.

- Mm-hmm. - Just 5. - Mm-hmm.

I buy you something, you buy me something, and we'll see what happens.

Alright, so this place probably has like, you know, canned caviar

and Boone's Farm is that... is that... That's more your taste, right?

- You're not funny. - I actually am funny.

- You're not funny. - Hmm, I'm funny. - Yeah.

- Boom. - Boom, but can you top this?

Huh?

The awesome insert here. Looks like another little cat.

Hey, little fella.

Okay, feminine product. Whoa! More feminine products, yes.

- Here, you need this. - Maybe.

- Hmm. - Thanks. - Yeah.

Oh. What is that over there?

- What? What? - Just... - I'm sorry.

- Stop it. - What?

Right, now, you... you're tryin' to peek, so stop.

No, somebody was watching me like a hawk.

- Okay. - Okay, um, you first.

Here we go.

Bam! Kung Fu DVD!

- Cool. - Oh, come on!

Seriously? The wrestling match, the fiesta.

- I know. - True, true.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

Okay, give me mine.

I don't know why I'm giving this to you.

Are you having second thoughts?

I am totally having second thoughts.

Mm-hmm.

Who's this pretty lady?

- The reason I got that for you is... - Is I am hot in a bathing suit.

Um, I can only imagine.

That is probably a true statement.

But apparently, I would rather see you dance

than get laid by you.

- Did you just make that up? - Uh, only if it worked.

Okay. Um...

Wow. I guess it worked.

Awesome.

There you go.

♪ The windows swingin' And the blinds rolled up ♪

♪ The chimes a ringin' And the leaves blow past ♪

♪ Clouds of blue And green block my sun ♪

♪ The storms a comin' load up And run ♪

Hey, Jenny.

Jenny?

Jenny?

Just...

Oh, man.

Mr. Turner? Mr. Turner?

- Hello? - Oh, hey, Mr. Turner. - Hey.

There's a young lady here who said she's with you.

- Okay. - Okay, I'll send her up.

- Thank you. - Oh, one more thing, you wanted to ask...

Shoes. Shoes, shoes.

Knot. Let's do a knot.

Hang on.

Hang on.

Pete.

Pete.

I know that I'm the last person that you wanna see right now.

I just had to do some thinking and I did.

I... I needed to clear my head, I was so confused.

Can I help you?

Your breakfast, Mr. Turner.

What on earth do they let these people wear?

She looks like she's straight from the gutter.

You can go now.

Oh, honey, take care of her. Give her a tip.

You can't give that to her. What are you doing?

Sorry, sometimes my husband is a little generous.

That should do.

I'm okay.

Wow, you really did miss me last night, didn't you?

If I didn't know any better, I'd say you had company.

You won't be needing her anymore.

I talked to dad and... and he said no worries at work.

He'll take care of everything and you can go back to work in just a couple of weeks.

I was thinking maybe we could have a wedding on the beach.

Maybe we could even do it at a resort and then just enjoy a couple of weeks of quiet,

and beach, and relaxing.

It'll be so nice,

And then when we come home, we can start our life together, for real here.

It'd be so nice. Pete?

And then when we come home, we can start our life together, for real here.

Pete?

Hey, whoa!

About time, Petey!

I've been here for about 10 minutes, man!

- Hey, buddy, how are you? - I'm good, I like that jacket.

- Good to see you. - Oh! Relax, man! - Oh God.

Oh yeah, that hurt worse than I thought it was gonna hurt.

Oh, that was bad.

- I deserved that. - Yeah, you did.

Oh, it hurts bad, but I deserve it.

I really gotta learn how to punch more.

- You need to punch from the hip. - Yeah, shut up.

Okay.

I'm sorry, man.

Phew!

- Are you cryin'? - No.

- Are you sure? You ain't... ain't... - No, I'm not cryin', man.

Listen, I just didn't want you to be alone is all.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

Yeah, well, you know what?

Don't be.

She's like amazing.

Why didn't you tell me you have a cousin like that?

I don't. She's not my real cousin.

You know our families just kinda grew up together. I call her my cousin.

Pete, I love her.

I'm just kidding. Ouch.

- Oh. - Oh, you are like the bastard of the year.

I hope your jaw's like broken in like three places.

It's still there, though, right?

Yeah, it's still there I'm afraid. Do you know where she's at?

Yeah. Ouch.

- Every time I laugh at you... - Yeah.

Man, you're gonna run me over the parking like... like that.

You're... you're... you're not coming with me!

You're not coming with me!

- Well, uh, you don't... - Go back!

Go back to your curb!

How're you gonna get there?

- You don't... - In the car!

- You don't know where you're going yet? - Oh, yeah, that's right.

Get in the car, but I'm droppin' you off!

I'm sorry.

How are you, Mr. Miller? Good.

Deposit?

You have a good one.

So technically, I was kinda thinking

that maybe this honeymoon thing is still happening and that...

Hey, hang on a second, bud, okay?

The thing is it's...

it's not really fun when you're doin' it by yourself you know...

Hey, hang on a second, okay?

And I... I was just thinking that...

Dammit. Hey, I'm talkin'! I'm trying to have a moment, dude!

Can't you see this? I'm here with this lady. We're tryin' to do something!

Shut your pie hole or your horn hole or whatever noise you just made!

I will destroy you with these hands!

I'll destroy you, sir!

I'm talking to the lady! Please, shut up!

I like you.

I like you and I don't care if we're gettin' coffee or dancing or crashing some random party.

I... I just wanna be with you

and I was kinda hopin' that maybe if you felt the same way,

we could keep this honeymoon thing rolling a little bit longer.

Of course.

Whoo! Whoo!

Yeah, buddy, what do you think of that, son?

You better get out of here, Casanova. Get off my ass!

Whoa. I'm gonna call you, okay?

Bye, oh, crap.

♪ ...the swelling sea ♪

♪ She's in her element And loves it dearly ♪

♪ She's out of body And her smile is easy to see ♪

♪ Now, paddle faster In the swift dark current ♪

♪ The waves a comin' And I see you on the surf ♪

♪ The day is wanin' And the sun has gone now ♪

♪ The top was spinnin' Now it's slowin' down again ♪

♪ So now we wander On the aging boardwalk ♪

♪ You hold my hand ♪

♪ And it's chilled down To the bone ♪

♪ We talk about the day And all its wonder ♪

♪ Someday, we'll move And we'll do this every day ♪

- Okay, here we go. - Ready and action.

- That is really cute. - It's disgusting.

Oh, my God.

- Alright, here we go. - It's only Red Bull.

Go on. Go on, son. Go on, go on, go on.

♪ It's goin' down It's goin' down ♪

Ow, ow, ow.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Please.

- We fight now! - Oh, my tattoo.

Fight.

He said, "Oh, my tattoo."

Where do you wanna go, sweetheart? Oh.

You wanna go to 171, don't you? Well, here you go, baby.

I got it in my mouth.

Fix it.

- Yeah. - Uh, again.

- Jumper cable. - Yeah, okay, yep.

Yeah, up... up here. Jumper cables.

Jumper cables.

And action.

Yeah, love's a funny thing, Pete.

Hold on, I'm sorry.

- I just... - And more cars.

- So, we're... we're gonna... - I had some background

You're in love with that kid.

Oh, that's funny, because I just talked to Mr. Kinnerbrew...

Uh, it's uh...

♪ Fallin' on the ground ♪

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